I Got an Anonymous Nasty Text
She got an anonymous text saying her cheating ex is so much happier without her. She thinks she knows who sent it.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Divorced over 6 years. He did the traditional midlife crisis affair with a girl in his office who wasn’t even born when we met, and since I was pretty sure it wasn’t the first time, it was definitely going to be the last. We were divorced in five weeks; the paperwork had already been drawn up when I had filed for separation, then put it on the back burner when my father was terminally ill.
I also, have many, many reasons to suspect he was gay. It didn’t seem like much at the time individually, or when spread out over a 20+ year marriage (spackling…). Looking back now, being aroused by gay p*** (hey, the internet was new), saying a man’s name during sex a few years later (“I thought that turned YOU on”), and not having sex for YEARS at a time… There was a lot more that was even more damning, but it didn’t really matter at that point anyway. My therapist said the affairs with young girls could have just been a smokescreen.
I went no contact, wasn’t perfect, but did not reach out to him unless I absolutely had to.
I got rid of the Switzerland friends, avoided pain shopping and gossip, and got to “meh” in a couple of years. Of course.It wasn’t as easy as that sounds. But I even had a very special 3 year relationship that ended (amicably) a few months ago. Overall, life’s been good.
Until tonight, 1 a.m. Sunday, when I got a text from an unknown number that said:
“(Ex) looks incredibly happy… a different person now that he is away from you and your evils!”
WTF.
(I mean, who even talks like that?)
FB and instagram have occasionally “suggested” an account I suspected is the woman he moved in with after the 25 year old dumped him. A quick glance at that showed a wedding picture of her and Ex. Proud to say I felt nothing over that.
But my blood is boiling over this text.
I’m guessing the wedding was this weekend and the text is from his sister, who tended to get VERY inappropriately talkative with a little alcohol in her.
I am SO tempted to text back, “Oh, that’s so nice to hear! I’m guessing he finally came out to all of you? I’m really happy for him!” Because it would be the perfect crime. She can’t tell Ex I said anything because then she would have to tell him that she texted me. My best friend, of course, said, Go for it! (that’s why she’s my best friend, LOL).
If I can hold out until the morning I’ll talk to my sister, who’s usually more the voice of reason. I DO remember, “If it feels good, don’t do it” but I honestly don’t remember WHY! Or maybe I just don’t want to.
Signed,
GTFO of my Brain at 1 am
***
Dear GTFO of my Brain at 1 am,
DO NOT REPLY.
Whoever sent this wants to get under your skin. If you reply, you’re confirming that they rattled you. You’re deluding yourself if you think your snappy “He’s gay” comeback is going to land. It won’t. Your troll will see this as defensive posturing coming from your pain and conclude “Yay! I hurt GTFO!”
You have rebuilt your life for the better. Do not let one idiot destroy your peace. The itchy trigger finger feeling will end. Mortification that you replied to a FW goes on forever. Let’s go over this.
I got rid of the Switzerland friends, avoided pain shopping and gossip, and got to “meh” in a couple of years. Of course.It wasn’t as easy as that sounds. But I even had a very special 3 year relationship that ended (amicably) a few months ago. Overall, life’s been good.
Gold star on the gaining a life. So why falter now?
Until tonight, 1 a.m. Sunday, when I got a text from an unknown number that said:
“(Ex) looks incredibly happy… a different person now that he is away from you and your evils!”
WTF.
This person does not know you. They know what your ex told them.
Let me repeat: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW YOU. It might be the new wife. It might be your ex-SIL. Whoever your troll is, they don’t have your lived experience of your marriage. This troll is a nobody to you. Their opinion of you doesn’t matter. And whatever they THINK their opinion is, it’s based on secondhand bullshit from a FW.
If a Martian told me I suck and I cheat on my taxes, the insults couldn’t land. This Martian doesn’t know me. This Martian can’t see my tax filings.
Consider the person who insulted you a Martian. A stranger from outer space.
Now, let’s defang the hurt.
“(Ex) looks incredibly happy…
Maybe he got married, maybe he had a good bowel movement. Who cares? He’s your EX. His emotional state for good or ill is none of your business and not of interest. That’s the joy of no contact.
Whoever sent this presumes to think you care. Join the pick me triangle (rhombus, dodecahedron…)! If you reply, you’ll show you care. And that you can be manipulated further.
STAY NO CONTACT.
a different person now
He’s not a different person. He’s the same FW with a double life. But this is the nexus of the hurt. Your troll wants you to fear that He’s Better For The Next One. Nearly all chumps suffer from this FOMO. Especially if you spent any time with the Reconciliation Industrial Complex telling you that the cheating was your fault and you can save this.
Your ex isn’t attracted to women. Nothing to save. And you do not care if he’s a different person now, do you? By volleying back some version of HE STILL SUCKS demonstrates you think there’s an argument to be had.
And return to our first point — we don’t care if he’s different now. Happy, unhappy, gay, straight, attracted to goats. He’s the past. No one gives a flip.
You’re ‘evil’?
now that he is away from you and your evils!”
Anyone who thinks you’re evil is not a safe person to be communicating with. Period.
What are you, a supervillain? If you’re going to accuse someone of being evil, you need some specifics. You drown kittens in wells. You embezzle pension funds. Just being all purposefully evil isn’t terribly convincing.
If this troll wants to confront you with how much you suck, they’re making a terrible argument. This isn’t speaking truth to power, it’s a lame, flaccid noodle insult.
What this tells you, is that your ex paints himself as a victim in his first marriage. To his new wife, to his SIL, probably to everyone. And of course he does. This isn’t news to you, I’m sure. Character assassination is what these freaks do. Again:
This person is not safe to reply to.
am SO tempted to text back, “Oh, that’s so nice to hear! I’m guessing he finally came out to all of you? I’m really happy for him!”
You’re not happy for him. He didn’t come out. Don’t feed kibbles to FWs.
Because it would be the perfect crime.
It’s not the perfect crime. Also, you’re above committing crimes. You’re the actual harmed party (chump) here.
She can’t tell Ex I said anything because then she would have to tell him that she texted me.
He’d be thrilled she’s texting you. Kibbles of centrality for him. If you accuse him of being gay, he’ll deny it. It’s just a mud fight you won’t win.
My best friend, of course, said, Go for it! (that’s why she’s my best friend, LOL).
Okay, Chump Lady is the friend who grabs you by the lapels and tells you to stop being stupid. Your 1 a.m. brain is full of bad ideas. Do not listen to your 1 a.m. brain, go have a bowl of Raisin Bran and forget your ex and his flying monkeys.
I agree with Chumplady.
The sender wanted to rile you.
Not letting them know they riled you is truly the best response as any reply will let them know you saw the text and that it riled you.
Let them wonder. Heheheh.
We don’t control what happens to us. We control our response, and no reply is YOU staying in control and foiling the anonymous bear poker.
♥️
CL is absolutely spot on. Why on earth would you give this moron who lacks grammatical skills, (quite apart from being an obvious bell end) the time of day? If you respond, you’ll writhe later. Just ignore and rock on. Forgive me, but the fact you’re even tempted to respond tells me you’re not as securely at meh as you think you are, so shields up is even more imperative. Please don’t do it.
Chumpnomore, with respect, I don’t know that I agree that feeling tempted means someone is not in the Land of Meh.
Sometimes things bother me, sometimes things don’t faze me.
For me, triggers and temptations can pop up unbidden and unwelcome out of left field. This happened to me just last night and it surprised me. If someone slapped my face, I’d feel
It and be tempted to react. A surprise provocative text is like being slapped in the face.
My goal is not to not feel anything. My goal is to pause if agitated, and carefully consider my response. That’s what being at Meh looks like to me.
♥️
“For me, triggers and temptations can pop up unbidden and unwelcome out of left field.”
I don’t think I am fully at “meh” yet in general. It’s hard bc I can’t go fully no contact because we have kids. I am also in the marital home (with him still on the deed, he doesnt live here though, to be clear and thank god) until the youngest graduates high school in a few years.
Our divorce is settled and finalized. But when repairs are needed at the house, I need to keep him in the loop as it is still his investment. And soon I will have to start seriously thinking about where I am going to live in a few years when we sell the house. That part doesn’t require me to currently deal with him at all, but it sort of makes everything less “final” in an odd way. I can’t afford to stay in the house alone. I wish I could. I am wrapping my head around the fact that moving is going to have to happen, and I have time to accept that and make some plans. All to say that sometimes I still get angry about how his poor choices have left long lasting affects on my life.
But while I am not fully at meh, I am pretty deep on that road. I think we can all have triggers no matter how long the FW has been out of our lives.
Recently I was scrolling my instagram and an old mutual friend posted a photo with him and his current gf. (not AP) As you said, it was like a slap in the face. That mutual friend? He hasn’t seen them in decades, so I never in a million years expected his face to show up on my feed and it definitely caught me off guard. His current gf is half his age and cute as a button. I already knew that, but again, to have photographic evidence just pop up like that was so unexpected. It left me feeling icky for quite awhile afterwards and I didn’t love that. Definitely felt like failing at ‘meh”.
The thing is, I’m not jealous of the gf. I do NOT want him back ever. She isn’t the AP. She has done nothing to me. It’s more like I am just mad because he doesn’t “deserve nice things”. Not that she is “a thing”. But I know he loves showing her off and bragging about his decades younger pretty gf. And that annoys me.
Maybe “meh” is getting to a point where it doesn’t annoy me at all. But I also try to give myself a break because it isn’t like I walk around 24/7 in a blind rage over his latest relationship. I truly don’t. But it popped up on my social media feed in a completely unexpected way, caught me completely off guard and made me feel icky for a few hours. Now I am back to my regularly scheduled program of not caring and am again unbothered. That’s progress. I think?
I dunno, “meh” is what you make it.
I think I hit “meh” when I saw that the divorce was final. Every weird thing that my ex did after that just made me laugh. I lost no sleep over it and just kept moving on.
During closeout, he emailed me long, blaming diatribes along with the business side of things. So for a particularly long one, I emailed back, “The car titles are in the mail, along with a postage-paid envelope. Please sign and send them back. Thanks!” Something about that made me very, very happy!
Thankfully, he finally drifted off to do whatever, though. I guess that I became a hard target.
Well, I agree; I meant though that the OP is still to some extent vulnerable, which is all the more reason for battening down the hatches and shields up. It’s interesting that whichever cretin sent the OP such a ridiculous text is evidently still trying to inveigle the OP into the triangle; if it’s the now wife, or the ex-wife, or the fückwït himself, none of *them* are at meh! 😈😆
I too struggle with meh. There is this thing where intellectually and when I reason with myself, I KNOW I am so much better off without my ex, I do not miss him. But his second marriage is not doubt one where he is different, in that he married someone rich and socially prominent and that is what he wants. He doesn’t care about anything but money and social climbing, and I was the best he could do at the time. HAHA. I do think it’s funny. Why do I care?I don’t really.But I do. Meh is a bit of a shapeshifting thing for me. I keep thinking I’m close, then like letter writer,I’m up in the night revisited by horrors, regrets, etc. I have been no contact for 10 years, and even before I knew what Switzerland people were, before I found this amazing place, cut out anyone not on my side only. I think you can be as well as you can be, and still wish to ruin a person- she wants the world to know he’s a HUGE liar.I get it1 I guess that’s why Tracy runs karma stories, of which I don’t expect one for me personally, but I do enjoy reading them. Anyhoo. Point is,Tracy is so spot on! This person is not a safe person to communicate with!
Oh, I get it too. I’ve been no contact for as long as you, and even though I have no idea what fückwït and the rat faced wh*re are doing, or whether they’re still together, it does occasionally cross my mind to wonder. I think that’s inevitable when you’ve been in a long marriage, (24 years for me) it’s a very significant chunk of one’s life, it would be against human nature not to wonder now and then I think. I just hope the OP doesn’t succumb to a natural temptation and give whoever this pos is the satisfaction of responding, because she’ll write over it and bitterly regret it later.
Writhe, not ‘write’. 🙄
Yes mine was a 30 year relationship most of that married. Barf.
I needed to read this this morning for a few reasons. It’s Monday? I like how Tracy says that the writer is not safe- “Anyone who thinks you’re evil is not a safe person to be communicating with. Period.”
It was the raisin bran that originally brought me here. Raisin bran makes everything better. 🙂
At some time in the late 1960s I wrote to the address on the back of the box of Raisin Bran to tell them how much I loved the cereal. I remember being so excited at the age of about nine years old to get a response in a real envelope addressed to me. It’s probably in my scrapbook in a box downstairs, which I’ll have to dig out some day. I still love Raisin Bran.
My 89 year old friend Yoma turned me on to middle-of-the-night Raisin Bran as cure-all. She’s 89, and going strong. There’s the proof.
“Let me repeat: THIS PERSON DOES NOT KNOW YOU. It might be the new wife. It might be your ex-SIL. Whoever your troll is, they don’t have your lived experience of your marriage. This troll is a nobody to you. Their opinion of you doesn’t matter. And whatever they THINK their opinion is, it’s based on secondhand bullshit from a FW.”
Excellent advice!
My ex also tormented me with things to the effect of “my friends all think you’re horrible” and “everyone involved thinks I should be with OW.” He later admitted “everyone involved” were mutual friends of him and OW who had literally never met me and only knew of me from what those two told them about me. Not exactly objective sources.
When an ex sends friends / relatives to torment you, or torments you by citing the opinions of friends and relatives, there’s only two options here:
1) They’re legitimately horrible people like your ex is; OR
2) Your ex has lied about you to them, but they aren’t likely to listen to you even if you try to set the record straight because they are friends with your ex and predisposed to believing your ex’s lies
Neither is really worth responding to or engaging.
Which is all to say: I concur w/ CL. OP (GTFO), you should absolutely NOT bother responding to that text.
Right. And I would add that responding puts you in a defensive posture of trying to prove you’re not a horrible person. People who really care about you wouldn’t believe someone’s badmouthing, let alone confront you with your “crimes.” As they say in politics, if you’re explaining, you’re losing.
ETA, there’s more nuance to this. (What if you really committed crimes? Do we have to be unswerving loyal always?) People who matter in your life do their due diligence about your character. And character is revealed over TIME. FWs tend to be FWs with many burned bridges. People with integrity, not so much.
On cheaters being “happier”…
Good people don’t defraud and betray others.
Good people don’t intentionally cause grievous psychological harm to others.
If someone feels “happier” for defrauding and betraying and intentionally causing grievous and severe psychological harm to others, especially those they call family, I’d call that depraved.
By extension, I think being unbothered by that kind of “happiness” is a bad thing….
During the divorce process, my wonderful attorney emphasized several times that there was happiness in just being what he called an “own-up/show-up” person. And he valued polite, strategic negotiations over threats and insults. Those aspects spoke to me.
My ex’s attorney was ugly about the whole thing until he got sick of my husband and decided it was time to quit or get it settled. His attorney was a fan of mine and completely changed his tone in the last months of negotiations. The attorney’s dad had died, and mine had announced his retirement and had given most of his cases to the other attorneys. My attorney’s father (a retired judge) was in hospice. So my husband’s attorney would call mine and chew the fat for an hour. Mine would bill 12 minutes, and his would bill 60. And my attorney felt very much that those chats settled it without a trial. Yes, polite, strategic negotiations.
No matter how bad the other person is, don’t let them pull you down the hole with them. That was another saying that my attorney gave me.
Consider the person your ex is, and realize that anything that makes him happy simply proves how effed up he is.
I’m sure my ex is happier away from what he surely considers my “evils.” He’s in a new relationship with a woman he lied to about his sexual compulsions–and she believed him (this is not the ex-student with whom he was “experimenting” with gender). He moved into her house, and I have no doubt that she now fulfills the wife appliance role I did, managing everything in the house and yard, and catering to his moods, whims, and being groomed to accept his sexual proclivities. Of course he’s happy–he’s got everything his selfish and self-regarding self wants, all of which proves only what a glassbowl he is. She may be happy, too (I know her), but it’s early days yet. I spent forty years with him, married for 36, so I can say with some confidence that it is unlikely he has become a new man.
I do, however, still get furious that he has had to suffer no consequences for what he put me through and has a public persona that conceals the selfish prick he is. That feels supremely unfair to me. But at the same time I have washed my hands of him (and know that too many people in this world live in situations that are far more unfair than mine). I don’t want him back and wouldn’t take him back, and whatever happens in his life now has nothing to do with me.
If someone said to my face something like what the letter writer’s text said, I would probably say something back. But an anonymous text? A person who spreads poison anonymously is beneath contempt.
Welcome to the world of wives who were chumped by secretly gay men.
I agree that there’s nothing to be gained by rewarding this troll, but we here can get a big kick out of your dream response.
Whoever sent the message sounds pretty insecure to me. After all, the real reason they texted anonymously isn’t because they don’t want you finding out who they are. It’s because they don’t want your ex finding out they’re poking the bear.
Somebody out there is feeling very insecure in their position, and needs desperately to believe that all that gay stuff is just a phase he went through that was all your fault.
Sometimes I laugh so hard at the pros CL deals out its better than a Red Bull to help.me get to MEH. Tracy is hysterical!!
This is soo True!! Never, never wrestle with pigs- they love the mud, you want to stay clean,don’t throw your pearls into the swine pen, don’t JADE- Justify- Argue-Defend or even Explain to anyone attached to your Ex. He found his level of people and its below ground. You can’t dig down far enough.
There is something to be said for dignity and turning up.your nose at provocation. Not good enough to hook you or throw your energy into. I must admit that even today, 2 years post divorce, I still find myself wanting to defend why I filed, answer those people who wiped my XHC tears away and let hlm.wipe snot on their shirts. I want to tell them all the WHY I DID IT details so they will be on MY SIDE and see my light. But no one, not one person who hasn’t lived my life, understands my level of coercive intimate abuse that I experienced. I wouldn’t wish that on any woman or man. Even my worst enemy.
And so I have to choose dignity and have chosen to recuse myself around the Swiss friends, the flying monkeys, the people who are clueless and those that are anonymous trackers. I divorced my cheater to be free of him, not to keep reacting to anyone’s provocation or give then positive or negative kibble.
I hope Tracy will write on the topic of “forgiveness “with these wing nut cases because any kind of contact or saying sorry or responding to friends of Cheater is kibbles to them all. And any contact or saying I forgive you— out loud, is permission to keep doing what they are doing because they have gotten to you in some way . Today’s writing is one such event. They got to you and you reacted. Dont.
GTFO,
This text is just further proof that you won. Sounds like your ex was surrounded by terrible people. Getting away from them was clearly a massive upgrade for you.
No happy person harasses a stranger in the middle of the night, let alone years later. You clearly hold a lot of power in their minds if they’re so desperate to “prove” to you that they don’t need you.
Excellent point that I overlooked when reading the post. I was so focused on “Noooo…GTFO, don’t reply” that I didn’t think much about the person who texted them.
GTFO has been divorced for six years. That;s not even counting any time between D-Day and the actual divorce being finalized.
If someone is reaching out to her at this late a date? WOW. They must really have an axe to grind.
Happy to report that the (literal) light of day, and a conversation with my sister has realigned my thinking. I also realized that I would feel the same power NOT responding to *this* person that I felt during the breakup by NOT responding to the Ex’s “I’m trying to trigger you” texts. I think the only reason my “meh” was challenged was that I had NOT gone to bed – at all – the night before. I’m a night owl to start with and got deep into cleaning out the garage and decided to just keep humming along until it was finished. So at the time I got the text I had been up for over 40 hours.
Also remembering now: it’s way more about THEIR character than it is about me. I’m now amused to realize I’ve been living rent-free in SOMEBODY’S head for over 6 years.
I’m so glad! Onwards and upwards! And I love your last sentence – whoever that moron is, they’re obviously still obsessed with *you*! 😂
Yup, that’s the way to view it. They’re still obsessing over you 6 years later? Losers.
I’ve dealt with my fair share of disordered wingnuts. These people are DESPERATE for you to engage with them, because they’re insecure people and any reaction from you makes them feel powerful for a moment.
Never respond to them. Nothing drives these people crazier than no response.
Last I heard, mine was still obsessing over how I destroyed the marriage. He left eight years ago after completely blowing up marriage and family. We haven’t heard from him in three years.
Other than a passing thought, he’s not in my head.
If I got a text like that, I’d block the number, delete it, and move on. People are weird, and I don’t need that sort of thing clouding up my day. I’ve also been divorced 6+ years.
Back in the day, I had evils too. My ex claimed that I was a nut job with all kinds of secrets that he had to flee. All the way to another state! He was projecting. His very religious family used religious guilt on me and ignored his issues. I cut them loose, along with a number of other guilters and people from Switzerland.
Over a year ago, a relative of my ex contacted me. His family was horrified by the woman he showed up with at a family wedding. Not the family norm, to say the least. And they think she’s taking advantage of him. Well, not my committee, is it? And I didn’t reopen anything with his family. Not at this time.
I refuse to engage with anyone about him unless I choose to. And I mostly don’t. Someone that I thought was a friend said something in February about “so sad” that we didn’t hear from him at Christmas. I was blunt, “Yes, the holidays are lovely, but please don’t bring him up again.” I changed the subject. I only see her once a month, so maybe it was just a fluke, but whatever.
“Well, not my committee, is it? ”
People really can just be so crazy, can’t they? Your ex cheated, blew up the marriage and 5 or so years later his FAMILY comes to you because they are worried about who he is dating? I mean, I could see it if you were still married and he showed up to a family wedding with somone other than you, THEN maybe it would make sense for them to reach out. But you’d been divorced for half a decade in this scenario. What on earth does his dating life have to do with you? And what would make them think anything in his life is your concern?
My ex recently reached out bc he is having trouble with his family. They have semi cut him out. It’s because he is a d8ckhead. But he thinks it is bc he cheated on me. Which, I mean, the cheating does illuminate his d8ckhead side, but I really don’t think he would be cut off for “JUST” cheating on me. He’s acted like a jerk to family members too. I think a few had their fill and perhaps also didn’t like the cheating.
I essentially said “I don’t know why are you telling ME?” And that was all I said. Nothing further. The thing is, I truly can’t grasp why he would tell me that. I have completely cut him out of MY life for cheating on me, so I 100% support and understand the actions of his family.
I think he told me because for decades, I had been the only person he told his troubles to. And I was the ever-present supportive cheerleader. He has a gf (not an AP) but my guess is he doesn’t want to tell her about the issues he is having, because how would he explain it? There is a less than zero chance he told her we got divorced because he cheated and was emotionally and verbally abusive. So he out of habit came to me? I m not his friend. I avoid him at all costs. If I could ship him off to Mars, I would happily do so. It is so bizarre that he “confided” in me.
I went on a whole long tangent re “meh” below. But as far as responding to this poerson? I implore you not to. I understand every single tingle of temptation you have to do it. But for me? Ultimately, I agree with what so many others said. If you reply AT ALL they are going to eat it up.
The absolute best thing you can do is ignore it.
The AP once sent me a message way back when, and I didn’t reply right away. At first I was just trying to think of the BEST thing to say, then over time I worried that if I replied then, she might block me, and that would mean that in the future if I ever really wanted to reach out, I couldn’t. So I sort of held off responding so I wouldn’t ruin future opportunities. I also held onto “if it feels good, don’t do it” like my life depended on it. It was NOT easy.
Now? I am no longer even remotely tempted to connect with her, and I am glad that I never gave her the satisfaction of a reply.
I just want to add “block that number.”
Here’s a kinda dumb analogy: I get many texts from political figures wanting money. Sometimes they tell me that only my money can save the country from ruin. But I don’t reply or send money to anyone who texts or emails me. Never, ever. Not once. I’m smart enough to choose my own candidates to support, to decide if a political party will spend the money wisely, or to choose a charity that resonates with my values (World Central Kitchen, my local pet foster organization, etc.).
Block any unsolicited text messages. That’s a direct line to you that you can close, just as in the pre-digital world, we could hang up the phone if the call was obscene. Remember that ignoring a narcissistic person is the greatest injury they can receive. Your anonymous texter would have to sit and wonder if you even got the message and if you did, whether it hurt or upset you. No contact with disordered people, whackadoos, and mean folks.
What really makes them happy is the duplicity. After all is said and done the duping is delicious. What’s really nasty is exposing a chump to STD’s, financial abuse and lies. As if it’s not enough they feel the need for the chump to bathe in their bliss of infatuation of the latest next. Triangulation for centrality is pathetic. Who cares.
Delete and block the number. You’ll feel better with some distance from it. It’s best to show them that you don’t care by not engaging. That is truly the best revenge.