I just impulsively un-friended my soon to be ex-husband of 15 years on Facebook.
He cheated on me with our daughter’s club soccer coach (who she totally loved and admired) while I was pregnant with our fourth baby. I played the pick me dance for a few months but decided raising three kids (plus an infant) would be easier without an alcoholic husband who can be really mean, lies, takes no accountability, and disappears for days at a time to be with his 24-year-old girlfriend. He ran to his mommy and played victim and his parents dropped me like I’m nothing.
Anyway, I instantly regretted it (the de-friending). He barely posts anything on Facebook and is still keeping their relationship on the down low, so it’s not that I want to see what he’s up to. It’s that I want him to see what I am doing — that I’m ok without him — I’m doing the fun things with the kids, going out with my girlfriends, working, sprucing up the house, spending time with my big extended family (who he loved), going on vacation…
I’m ok and living my life. (I’m really not ok). Now I can’t rub any of this in his face and have him see that I’m fine (even though I’m not most of the time). Ugh. I’m so mad at myself. We are totally no contact due to a protection from abuse order, besides communicating regarding the kids on an app, so I already had the no contact covered. (He punched the back of my head while holding our baby after he discovered I looked through his texts and saw that he SNUCK his AP into his PARENTS’ house when he was staying there for a weekend to “help his dad go to rehab”…. talk about a heartless, giant man child…)
After all this, ESPECIALLY after all of this, I want him to see that I’m “GOOD”. I don’t need him. Maybe he’d even question his choices deep down inside after seeing pics of me and my life without him. Now he won’t see it and it’s my own fault. And worse, I might even look like an immature and angry ex because of the unfriending. Ugh. I literally have a pit in my stomach that I just did this.
Dear Facebook Smart Move,
You did a healthy thing unfriending him and it probably feels wrong because you’re used to swirling in a cauldron of dysfunction.
Immature? You’re not the alcoholic cheater living with his mommy. You’re the sane adult parent of four children. Angry? You should be angry — this motherfucker hit you. And he endangered your health with his cheating. He disrespected and abused you. It’s absolutely NORMAL to be angry. I’d be worried about you if you weren’t angry. It’s what you do with those strong emotions that matters.
You channelled your righteous upset productively — no contact. Keep at it. No contact is the best way to protect yourself and your children from further harm. You got the divorce started, you got a protection order, you moved communication to third-party software. Yea you! That took a ton of strength. Don’t falter now.
Will he accuse you of being immature and angry? Sure. Of course. Because DARVO is what these freaks do. Expect a bad case of the sadz when the kibbles dry up. I think you’re reflexively feeling bad for having boundaries. You’re wondering what it looks like to him. You’re used to his opinion of you mattering. Like, his Displeasure could mean life and death because he’s an abusive fuckwit.
HIS OPINION DOES NOT MATTER.
Consider the source. A fuckwit! A loser! A cheater! A drunk! Who cares what he thinks? He has a sadz? Appalling behavior has consequences.
It’s that I want him to see what I am doing — that I’m ok without him — I’m doing the fun things with the kids, going out with my girlfriends, working, sprucing up the house, spending time with my big extended family (who he loved), going on vacation…
You know what says, “I’m okay without you?” No contact. You want to drive home the message? Cue the choir of crickets.
You know what says, “I still care”? Giving him a portal to your life. Caring about his feelings of imaginary regret. Whatever inconvenient feelings he may have — assuming he’s capable of them — he’s drowning in drink or 24-year-old pussy. I’m sorry, expecting him to care is the bargaining stage of grief. It’s hopium. It’s not wanting to face the wall of pain that you and four kids didn’t matter to him. Not enough.
I’m ok and living my life. (I’m really not ok).
It’s okay to not be okay. In fact, it’s to be expected. Don’t wish you were a sociopath, someone who can just walk away and swap people out like used tissues. You’re a human being with feelings. Ending a 15-year marriage with the father of your children is going to hurt — even if he’s a flaming asshole. Even if he needs to be left. You invested deeply in this person and hoped he’d be better. That was a gift. And it’s time to stop giving him that gift. He doesn’t appreciate it and you deserve peace. Your children deserve one sane, show-up parent.
So DO those fun things. Go out with friends, spruce up the house, be with your family. Invest your energies with people who DO care. There’s a lot of fake-it-til-you-make-it, and I’m sure I can come up with some other time-worn cliches, but it’s true. To build a new life, you just gotta slog it out. Your feelings will catch up in time. Allow it to suck right now. Don’t expect a great attitude about your life being in the shitter. This is a FINITE moment. It won’t always suck.
After all this, ESPECIALLY after all of this, I want him to see that I’m “GOOD”.
He can’t see that. If he could appreciate your goodness he wouldn’t have shat on it.
Seek validation elsewhere, but first from yourself. You’re GOOD. Look at all this crap you’ve survived. Imagine how much easier your life will be without it and him. It takes STRENGTH to leave.
Trust me, he’s going to figure out very quickly that you’re okay without him and it will enrage him that he can’t control you. That can go one of two ways — either he hoovers to draw you back into his bullshit. Nice picture you posted of the kids… Or he ghosts you and moves on to his next victim.
Of those two crappy choices, I’d prefer the latter. Neither are any reflection on you and your worth. He’s not hoovering because he cares, but because you’re of use. And he’s not ghosting you because you suck, it’s because he’s figured out an easier way to get kibbles.
It’s all about HIM. Don’t forget that. Don’t imagine it’s more than that. You have ample evidence of who he is. Put down the hopium pipe and stick with the no contact.
As for that pit in the stomach? Feed it. Have some Christmas cookies with friends. Keep rocking that new life. It gets better. ((Hugs))