I have been cheated on by my wife a few times. She has also committed financial infidelity a few times. I have stayed and tried to work things out in fairness to our kids. Our youngest turned 18 and is off to college. That was my finish line.
After reading your book, I realized how close you described my life and experiences with this women. No real remorse, no real empathy, no real apology, just the claim that she was in a “dark” place.
I want to make her read your book to realize what I have experienced, because I don’t think she is capable of seeing things as I do. Would you recommend offering up your book before we make any decisions to move on. Or wait, and let her have that reality after the fact?
My book is not a tool for reconciliation. Nor does it have the magic power to confer empathy on fuckwits. I mean, thanks for the vote of confidence and all, but if your PAIN doesn’t move her, I doubt my unicorn cartoons will.
This is a common chump mistake — thinking that your cheater has an insight problem. Why, if I only buy the right book on Amazon or download the proper TED talk, they will see! Then you do the codependent thing where you highlight all the relevant chapters and leave them by their bedside. Or forward a thousand improving articles. Or casually drop, “Oh hey I was reading this discourse on Borderline Personality Disorder and it made me think of you.”
(Collective forehead slap.)
Jim, she doesn’t have an insight problem, she has a character problem. (Pulling the ol’ Dr. George Simon axiom out of my pocket…) “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.”
It’s not that she doesn’t see that her infidelities hurt you, it’s that she doesn’t care. Not enough anyway to change her behavior. And why should she? You rewarded her with 18+ years of faithful service. She did the cost-benefit analysis and her entitlement won out over your pain.
She’s not UNAWARE of this. She PREFERS it. Cheating is a power play.
Of course, that’s all very ugly to cop to, so reconciliation resources and cheater themselves use a lot confusion-speak. They’re wayward and lost. It was a dark time and they bumped into a dresser and created a dating profile…
My point is, sharing my book with her isn’t going to save your marriage or give her perspective on your pain (she doesn’t care!). It’s just going to piss her off. And both provoking anger and attempting empathy are engaging with her, and I very much recommend NOT engaging with her.
Would you recommend offering up your book before we make any decisions to move on.
Dude, stop trying to achieve consensus. And definitely don’t use my liberation manifesto as an offering. (shudder) Divorce means moving on WITHOUT her. Did she consult you about her affairs or secret purchases? Did she do these things unilaterally, or after a thoughtful discussion?
Divorce is for YOU. You are permitted to have deal breakers and lay this burden down. Really! “We” aren’t making decisions about ending the marriage. Cake is working out very nicely for her. YOU are making this decision. OWN it. Embrace it. Go line up your ducks and talk to a lawyer and don’t feel one iota of guilt for not telling her about it.
Oh, if only I’d made her read Tracy Schorn’s book, she would’ve woken up from her decades-long spell of shitty behavior and seen the error of her ways and how much she hurt me!
That’s not going to happen.
Or wait, and let her have that reality after the fact?
She’s also not going to feel your pain after you leave her. She’s going to feel HER pain, because… consequences.
Let her sit with that. You go free yourself.