Infidelity Valentines 2026
It’s time again for our Infidelity Valentines contest, where we immortalize our cheaters in verse. Forget the chocolate and pink teddy bears! Bring me your bad poetry!
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
A haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky cheater valentine gems.
Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse.
Keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
Put your submissions in the comments. (You’ll have to register on the site to comment.) Please do not email them to me, as much as I enjoy your witticisms, they are to be shared.
Looking for other ways to celebrate liberation from a FW?
For a small donation, this animal shelter will Neuter Your Ex. Okay, not really. But they will neuter or spay a feral cat in their name. The dick may still wander, but it won’t reproduce.
And this shelter will name a pee pad after your ex!
However you celebrate, send me your Infidelity Valentines poetry!
The winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.
Snark on, CN!
TGIF!
There once was a FW from phoenix
Whose whole world revolved round his penix
Entitled to stray
But there came a day
When he was tossed out in the remix
Penix! Ding ding ding we have a weiner!
Penix! 😆 I love it!
I’ll try and get the ball rolling with this …….
Did you really think
that you were “all that” and more?
B*tch …. I am the prize
LFTT
Funny and charming oh my
Covert narc in human disguise
Snuck outta work to f**k
Two bit hos that suck
Porn dick with potbelly full of lies
There once was a girl from Passaic
Who turned out to be just a fake
She screwed all those guys
But then I got wise
And told her to jump in a lake
There once was a man named Rick
What he loved most was his dick
Now I am free
When he wanted to be
Oh, why did I love such a prick?
Trust is a real thing
Funny how you can’t touch it
but you can lose it
There once was a fraudster named Ester Perel
On whose excuses for cheating we wont dwell
She has chumps take the blame
And frees cheaters of shame
Such fuckery brings fresh hell
There once was a fraudster named Ester Perel
On whose excuses for cheating we wont dwell
She has chumps take the blame
And frees cheaters of shame
Such f*ckery brings fresh hell
There once was an asshole deceiver.
I loved him with faith and fever.
Indifferent and cold he remained.
My heart, he hurt and pained.
Till divorce made me a “Leaver”
There once was a geezer named Pete
An epic liar and cheat
He delighted in duping with futures fake
All so he could gorge on unlimited cake
Exposing this f*ckwit feels sweet.
OT FW news; bizarre (and at times darkly hilarious) infidelity scandal.
https://www.thebulwark.com/p/shocking-sex-scandal-rocks-trad-right-elijah-schaffer-sarah-stock
Holy sh*t—These are some lunatics! Thanks for sharing this hot tea! I knew what trad wife means (omg puke) but had to look up e-girl. Their hypocrisy is bottomless…
There once was a cheater named Sam;
Tried to undo all that I am.
Preyed on children, women, and men;
There were at least over ten.
Until finally I told her to scram.
He’d told me that she was a lesbian
He faked just like a true thespian
When I learned the truth —
Though I was no sleuth —
His excuses were Esther Perel-ian
A cheap, married grifter named Roger
Loved playing the suave artful dodger
One move wasn’t so slick
A misdirected d*ck pic
Now he lives as a rootless c**klodger.
Normalize cheating
We all do it so what’s next?
Pedophilia?
This cheater in a man suit
Proclaimed his life’s pursuit
His childhood was bad
Did not want to FW like dad
Turns out that tree has some roots