My Wife Cheated and I’m Stuck Blaming Myself
His wife cheated and he’s stuck in a loop, blaming himself instead of leaving her. Why is he stuck in limbo when she hasn’t even apologized?
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Dear Chump Lady,
About 3 months ago I caught my wife in a lie about her whereabouts. She said was at a Halloween party with friends, when the location sharing she enabled on our phones gave away her true location. (Nowhere near the mentioned party.)
Fast forward about two weeks, and the same thing would happen repeatedly.
My suspicions grew and my nervous system felt like someone lit it on fire.
Without going into every single detail, I found out whose house she was going to. She was using an elaborate method of hiding it by parking her car in a different neighborhood, turning off her location, then riding with the other man to his house.
However, one day, she forgot to hide that, which led me to gathering enough evidence to confront her. I felt like I was trickle-truthed until I showed her I knew who lived at the address she kept going to.
Eventually, she owned up to the lies, but she said nothing intimate happened.
I naively tried to believe that. But feel I feel like it doesn’t matter. Why would she go to such lengths to hide whatever she was doing? It’s not something someone who isn’t cheating would do, right?
In fact, she didn’t even think what she did was wrong or that it was infidelity. She said she just didn’t want me to be mad about where she was. In spite of her knowing that I would be upset about the lies if I found out.
She admitted she had feelings for this man after I had asked a few days later.
She has barely apologized. Many conversations later, she was still hanging out with this guy, just “not at his house.” And she hasn’t put any effort into working on our marriage. I made it a point for us to try and spend time together, to work on us. But instead, she spends more time hanging out with her friends (of which this guy is one).
We haven’t started marriage counseling because I’m doubtful it will actually fix the problem. When we spend time together, it feels awkward, and I’m sure she is still with this guy, but goes to even greater lengths to hide whatever’s going on.
I don’t understand why I feel stuck with not being able to end my marriage.
(I’m 30 and we’ve only been married for 5 years). Despite what has happened and my wife’s lack of repair effort, I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of blaming myself. I rationalize and intellectualize her behavior instead of respecting myself. Frequently, I think it isn’t actually as bad as it could be and maybe I’m just overreacting?
Am I just crazy?
Am I just in denial when she said nothing “intimate” happened between her and this other person? Or am I just stuck in the same loop so many people get stuck in where they see the exit but can’t seem to make the move to walk right on out? Could she be manipulating me, where I’m just being taken advantage of through subtle means?
I’ve left out a lot of details for the sake of keeping this brief. I am in therapy actively working on myself so I can unlearn some of my bad habits, but think at this point I probably need blunt advice. I just found your blog today and think I am slowly coming around to the idea that I am probably better off leaving my marriage sooner rather than later.
Shattered_Skies
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Dear Shattered Skies,
You wrote to the “Leave a Cheater” lady, so you probably know what my blunt-shovel-upside-your-head advice is going to say.
Go. You have nothing to work with.
She’s not sorry, transparent, or invested. I’m skeptical about reconciliation, but you at least need the raw materials. You have none. Instead, I’d say you have a coward, but it’s worse than that — you have a cake eater. Her behavior says she wants both the security of what you’re providing, plus the excitement of dating (screwing, holding hands and chastely watching Little House on the Prairie or whatever they’re up to). All at your expense. Because that works for her.
Your pain is not part of her calculus.
But your paralysis and disorientation are. Sure, Chump-o, book that therapy appointment. Go work on your faults. Chase down every lead on where she is. Stick your head in the mindf*ck blender. Then do it again. Collapse in exhaustion.
No biggie to her, she’s got a party to attend and you’re not invited.
I found out whose house she was going to. She was using an elaborate method of hiding it by parking her car in a different neighborhood, turning off her location, then riding with the other man to his house.
What’s the most likely explanation for this behavior: Is she a spy? An undercover FBI informant? Or is she a cheater?
Does anyone innocently behave this way? You are not her jailer. Or the mean, mean parent issuing a curfew. But she’s casting you in that role — an oppressor to rebel against. You, with your mean, mean requests that she be transparent. Or act with consideration. How unreasonable of you to insist that she not date other men while married to you.
However, one day, she forgot to hide that, which led me to gathering enough evidence to confront her. I felt like I was trickle-truthed until I showed her I knew who lived at the address she kept going to.
There is no such thing as ‘trickle truth’.
Call it what it is: further lying.
Trickle truth is some Reconciliation Industrial Complex bullshit to reframe continual lying as timid, but incomplete, truth telling. Oh, the poor sausage is trying! But the SHAME!
No. She knows exactly what she’s up to, but telling you would disturb the power imbalance that is currently in her favor. So why would she do that?
In fact, she didn’t even think what she did was wrong or that it was infidelity. She said she just didn’t want me to be mad about where she was. In spite of her knowing that I would be upset about the lies if I found out.
She’s blameshifting. The problem isn’t what she’s doing, it’s your reaction to it. And even your potential reaction. You’re the controlling ogre, she’s the timid forest creature. Next, she’s trying to move the battleground to defining infidelity. Refuse to engage.
You know enough.
You know that she unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage to behave like a single person. Whether she gets to first base, third base, or they’re watching Mary go blind from Scarlet fever while knitting potholders for the church bazaar — she’s checked out with another man. And doesn’t care how you feel about it.
I don’t understand why I feel stuck with not being able to end my marriage.
(I’m 30 and we’ve only been married for 5 years). Despite what has happened and my wife’s lack of repair effort, I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of blaming myself. I rationalize and intellectualize her behavior instead of respecting myself. Frequently, I think it isn’t actually as bad as it could be and maybe I’m just overreacting?
You’re not overreacting, you’re in the bargaining stage of grief. Betrayal is traumatic. You thought you were in a committed relationship and had a future with your wife. Bonding is what normal, loving humans do. And now, abruptly, and painfully, you have to un-bond.
One way we chumps cope with that is by untangling the skein, or as you say, getting stuck in a loop of blaming yourself for your wife’s affair. We try to decode our cheaters, and decode ourselves to figure out where it all went wrong — instead of doing the critical job of self-protection.
She is HURTING you. GET OUT.
This person is not your friend. I’m sorry, because I know it hurts like a mofo, but you can sort out your feelings later. Right now, you need to sort out your finances and living situation. Talk to an attorney, freeze your credit, and do all the things people who end marriages do. You’re not being hasty or unkind. She unilaterally changed the terms of the relationship to act single. You are just mirroring that. You are living in the reality SHE created. Single people are not financially vulnerable to each other. They don’t share a bed.
She won’t stop the cake-eating. You must stop allowing it.
Is that fair? No, of course it isn’t. But we’ve all survived it and you will too.
You’re not crazy, you’re heartbroken. The good news is you have a heart to break. You loved with your whole self and invested faithfully, and those are beautiful qualities. Sure, work on your faults, but don’t lose sight of why this relationship is broken. She broke it. We don’t control other people. There’s no loving someone without that terrifying vulnerability. Fixing your faults doesn’t control her investment in you.
Your devotion is a GIFT. She’s not entitled to it. Invest your energies in people who reciprocate and treat your heart gently. But right now, focus on getting free and investing in yourself. That pays dividends. Further fealty to a cheater, not so much.
Shattered, why do you consider for one hot second that she might be telling the truth when she says she isn’t intimate with this guy? She’s already shown you she’s a liar. Nobody reading this believes she isn’t screwing this guy.
You know who he is – that’s awesome. Your attorney can depose him and he can detail exactly what he did with your wife under oath.
You have a chance to get away before you’ve been married twenty years and have kids forever saddled with a FW for a parent. Seize it.
I’m hearing no mention of children & Hallelujah! Stop being intimate with her before you end up with an anchor baby or STD. You are young, there are probably few marital assets to split. You get a clean break and new start in your life. Take it!
Shattered_Skies,
Your wife has given herself permission to repeatedly do things that harm your marriage and harm you. She also shows no concern or remorse about the impact that her actions have had and continue to have. None of this is your fault; it is as a result of her unilateral choices. So, you should prioritise yourself; get out, get a divorce and build a better future for yourself. Invest your time and energy in yourself and, when the time is right (and if you choose), in someone who is deserving of you and who can put your interests ahead of their own once in a while.
Doing this will take time and effort and will be painful at times, but a better future – a future free of your Cheater – is possible if you set your mind to it. The longest (and hardest) journeys start with a single step.
LFTT
It isn’t your fault and you’re not overreacting. It’s her fault and it’s that bad.
She’s cheating on you and lying to you about it. You don’t want this to be true, so you think maybe she isn’t lying to you or cheating on you, but it is true and she is both lying and cheating. People don’t act in the ways she’s acted–lying about where she was, taking steps to cover her tracks–for innocent reasons. It’s not believable that she has gone to this man’s house repeatedly for any reason other than to fuck him.
Now that you have confronted her with the evidence of her lying about where she was and who she’s been with, she’s shifted to “yeah, ok, so I went there, but it was innocent, and I did it because I thought you’d be upset, even though it was over nothing.” That’s blame-shifting and making you the problem–CL’s “It’s not what I did that’s the problem; it’s your reaction to it.”
She’s continuing to see the guy. She has no remorse. She’s unwilling to spend her time with you repairing the trust she ruptured. You have nothing to work with.
You say you are “working on” your “bad habits,” which makes me wonder whether you believe that something about you “made” her cheat or “led” her to cheat. When a spouse cheats, it’s a blow to our self-worth. It makes us feel as if we aren’t good enough, and often that’s exactly what they say to us or convey to us to us through their actions. We think we need to “work on” ourselves for whatever “bad habits” or bad qualities that “drove them” to cheat.
I say that instead of blaming yourself further for not having the “self-esteem” to leave, I re-frame the idea of “working on” yourself away from “bad habits” to “working on” getting away from your cheating wife.
I can definitely say after breaking this down in therapy that I have absolutely been letting myself take the blame for her actions. I dived straight into different articles before finding CL and so much of the language pointed towards ‘what was I doing wrong’. I won’t say I was the best husband, there are things I could have probably been better at but I’ve come to terms with the fact that is no excuse for her to do what she did.
My fiancé, also a chump had a exW much like yours (minimal attempt at false reconciliation, carrying on with AP, occasional crumbs to confuse chump into more self-blame & pick me dancing).
The utter cruelty and contempt demonstrated by her entitled actions were so humiliating and painful he wasn’t able to truly accept what a POS he had married. Big mistake! He was unprepared for her dirty tricks during the divorce. Lost custody time, money and finally at one point his will to live.
Read here and learn how not to repeat our collective mistakes.
We have all been blamed for our ex’s bad behavior. If you hadn’t done …… I wouldn’t have had to ……….. fill in the blank. You can analyze every second of that 5 years and drive yourself crazy. You aren’t perfect, no one is. Has she ever come to you and said; I feel like we’ve drifted apart, or given any indication she was that unhappy. You have to be really unhappy to screw around because you are taking the chance of losing your spouse. I always figured if you are that unhappy, you try to communicate your feelings and if no matter what you do, nothing improves. You leave the marriage before you start dating.
What she is doing right now is making sure she doesnt let go of her sure thing before she is certain the new guy has swallow the hook.
And you can bet he’s being his best self proving to her that he’s a better choice.
I’ll let you in on a little secret. Taking the blame for her infidelity, you making the only effort to fix the relationship, you hurting, is unattractive. Begging someone to please love you is unattractive. I’ve done it! Believe me. But it rarely, if ever ends up being being beneficial for the relationship.
What is attractive is someone who walks away. Someone who doesn’t make any big fanfare of the goodbye. Just quietly never comes home and gets on with his life.
You don’t have kids, no need to stay in contact. Have your lawyer do the talking. Don’t engage, the time for apologies, tears, and her being “honest” has passed.
Get your ducks in a row and the next time she goes to a “friends” or even on a day off get a friend to help you move your stuff out.
No forwarding address. Change your phone number, block her in social media, and if you want to curl in a corner and lick your wounds, have at it!!
Just don’t give her the satisfaction of watching you in pain.
It sounds like a plan to get her back. But it isn’t, its the best way to heal. Away from her blaming and rubbing your nose in it. The plus to no contact is you start to think clearer because you dont have that constant negativity in your life. Things will become so clear and you won’t want her in your life because it feels so good with her out of your life.
Don’t go out and get laid right away. Rebound is not going to help. Take up a hobby where you’ll meet other singles, volunteer somewhere,take finance lessons, learn pottery. Anything to keep busy and retrain your brain to think of something else than her.
Good luck, you got this!!
You just keep reminding yourself that whatever your faults, she had the option of divorce, but chose not to take it. Instead she chose to cheat. As CL says, she’s a cake eater.
Shattered, I’m glad you found this site and I urge you to get the book and read the archives.
She schemed to hide her location, going as far as to park her car in another neighborhood so he could drive her to his house.
What’s there that they couldn’t find elsewhere? Why didn’t they come to YOUR house or talk on the phone if they were just having conversations?
Almost certainly because they wanted a bed and privacy. If she’s not going to his house now that you outed her, they’re probably going to a hotel, friend’s house or someplace else. For sex.
As you read the archives and open your eyes, you’ll probably see her previous actions in a fresh light, and possibly discover some unfavorable truths about your wife.
She deliberately plotted at length to deceive you about this location and this person.
Keep quiet about your intentions, and be just as deliberate with your exit strategy.
Good luck!
Yeah, so um…”having feelings for” is code for screwing, and “not at his house” is a lie. “Spending time with friends” means one-on-one dates (You know, when they say, “I’m going out with friends” and then all of the other friends miraculously “can’t make it” except AP).
At least, that’s what it was when my FW said those things to me.
Don’t waste ANOTHER 5 years like I did (I had already invested almost 15 years and we had a kid – you don’t, so there’s literally no reason to try to stay). Get out. Your hurt will heal, your heart will recover. Don’t spend any more time on someone who lies to you and shows utter disregard for your feelings.
No one causes, cures, or controls the behavior of another person. But it’s the natural first stop for almost everyone after being hit by infidelity freight train. 😪
My former fake husband and I were in therapy, at my request, as preventive maintenance, to learn healthy long-term committed relationship skills, on a frequent regular basis, the entire 27 YEARS I was with him. Both of us came from seriously effed up families and I did not want to repeat what was modeled to us.
I found out in YEAR 27 he had been lying and keeping secrets THE ENTIRE TIME.
IMHO, going to therapy after finding out your spouse HAS BEEN LYING TO YOU is like calling the fire department AFTER your so-called intimate partner has intentionally burned the house to the ground.
THERE IS NO TRUST AND SAFETY WITH A PERSON WHO DOES THAT. Which are the two ESSENTIAL, NON-NEGOTIABLE characteristics of a healthy relationship.
I would now NEVER advocate anyone staying.
My sincere condolences. Please keep coming here and reading.
♥️
I definitely do the whole ‘what could I have done’ thought processing the first time I found out what was going on. I honestly wasn’t even sure how to react when I found out. I will say that therapy has mostly been on helping me break down conflict avoidant and people pleasing habits from how I grew up (Grew up more or less neglected most of my childhood with a hoarder for a parent). In fact my therapist was blunt about saying ‘You’ve been here for numerous sessions and I’m not sensing any effort on your wife’s part for her actions’ which eventually got me to realize there is no fixing this. I’ve definitely learned the hard way that I need learn how to fix my picker and be better judge of character.
The time I spent in therapy was NOT wasted. I participated sincerely and learned a ton….and my beloved therapist, who was also lied to, became an invaluable living record of what actually happened after Fake Husband began his campaign of rewriting history, another behavior typical of TLC’s (traitorous lying cheaters).
When I was in the stage that you are in right now, I found that I suffered from a situation of unrealistic expectations. Every Hollywood tale of betrayal had a specific path: the cheater was confronted whereupon they said 1) Im sorry 2) I love you 3) Ive never done this before andI will never do this again.
My Cheater didnt seem to enjoy lying as much as Ive seen here, he seemed to do it just enough to get away with his cheating.
I kept expecting him to say these aforementioned things…I opened the subject over and over thinking that he would say what I expected him to and he never did. HIs response was “I wont apologize for falling in love and I never loved you like I love her”, he never said it was his first rodeo and he never promised to not do it again.
It took a long time for me to connect the dots of what I was seeking and what it meant that he was not telling me what I wanted/needed to hear. I wanted to hear true contrition and start healing. He wasn’t ready to give up cake.
I ate shit for a long time and never had anything resembling a loving relationship with him after that (or really before that either). I was with him for 25+ years then found the love of my life after my cheater died.
Run.
I didn’t think my spouse would cheat on me, but I know that it happens so it wasn’t inconceivable. Like you, though, I figured that if it were to happen (which it wouldn’t anyway), then of course the next steps would be – as you write – 1) I’m sorry 2) I love you and 3) I’ll never do this again. I was honestly flummoxed when I didn’t even get to step 1. Actually there’s a step 0 (“I did it”) and I didn’t even get to that.
In the midst of it, I fully understood that my marriage might not survive but I really couldn’t wrap my head around my wife not caring about me enough to just say “yes, I did it and I’m sorry”. Even if I really matter so little to her, how about our kids? How could she refuse to make any step – no matter how small – that could have preserved our family? Realistically, I knew that there was a very good chance the family wouldn’t survive, but to refuse to try even once not necessarily for me but for the kids?
Kids are merely pawns or scenery in the self centered life of a narcissistic cheater. They’re fantastic sources of narcissistic supply and especially easy source for a female FW. Until they age out.
Maybe I’m just old and sexist, but whenever I hear that a mother puts herself before her kids that is a screaming indication that there is something not quite right in the brain, never mind the heart. But I don’t think that about a father doing the same. I think of him as merely selfish and not personality disordered. Maybe I need to rethink that one.
That may be based on the notion that women bond more strongly with their children than men do. There might be some truth to that, considering that women are the ones who have the physically based bonding through pregnancy and nursing and take the risks of pregnancy, so there is more of an investment. I wouldn’t say the notion is sexist exactly, it’s just not taking into account that individual personality traits make people either more or less likely to bond deeply. There are shallow, selfish women who can carry the child for nine months, nurse that child yet still not bond deeply or not even bond at all. All women are not maternal by nature. Sometimes even the oxytocin brain bath associated with pregnancy, birth and nursing isn’t enough because she doesn’t really want to be a mother and resents the responsibility. I do agree that it sounds bizarre when you look at it from this standpoint. How can you invest that much, have all that touch bonding, go to the extent of sustaining a life at risk to yourself, and ultimately not care? I don’t get it either. The father’s investment just isn’t comparable, so I can see your point. As you say, it’s worth rethinking.
It’s a new world and women can do anything that men can, including being terrible parents!
No kids, she’s a cheater and liar…so leave before this becomes a bigger mess if she decides you’re worth it and wants to try and have a child. You have a lot of life and living ahead of you and possibly finding love again with someone who values you and your marriage.
Aside from the special hell of finding out your children aren’t really yours, If I was a guy chump married to a she-cheater, I would be bearing in mind a risk which male chumps in particular face regardless of whether it was the OM or the chump who sired children with a female FW.
Because studies on cheaters have found statistical associations with “high risk lifestyle,” including higher tendency to binge drink and develop substance use disorders, I’d be concerned about children carried by cheaters suffering from preventable congenital issues like FASD or other conditions caused by prenatal toxic exposure.
Dad’s toxic exposure at the time of conception can potentially put unborn children at risk as well if the effects alter sperm health or damage DNA but this doesn’t typically include being drunk at the time of conception or else more than half of all children born would have serious problems. Also if dad continues to binge drink through pregnancy, other than the stress this can cause a pregnant partner and the way stress can impact fetal health, the behavior doesn’t pose a direct toxic threat to the fetus whereas mom’s continued drinking does.
Female chumps and male chumps both face higher risk than average that cheating partners will contract STDs that affect the health of unborn children whether the mother contracted the disease through her own cheating or was exposed through a cheating partner. But it seems like congenital risks to kids from the most commonly abused substance (booze) is higher when the cheater is female.
So though there’s no research that I know of explicitly reporting that she-cheaters are more likely than average to bear children with FASD or more likely to drink or use other mutagenic substances in pregnancy (or have related accidents), the assumption might be cobbled together from studies arguing that affairs tend to be booze-fueled, that cheaters are more likely to be high in dark triad traits including proneness to addiction, that cheaters tend to lack empathy and to take inordinate risks with not only their own health and welfare but also the health and welfare of others.
Considering the already existing risks to children from the chemical sh*tstorm we’re all swimming in, anything that increases that risk is no bueno. And, as a side note, it’s not “ableist” to discuss the prevention of preventable disability in unborn children if only because this frees up limited resources to support the disabled individuals who are already here.
I know you dont feel lucky right now, but you are. She has given you a gift. You can now build a beautiful life with a wonderful woman have a family and spend the next 60 years living a peaceful existence with the love of your life.
Dont look back! Get some therapy so you dont pick another woman who is chaos. I see so many people, myself included who passover nice, sweet, stable people because we deem them boring. Instead we choose the crazy because we feel “chemistry”. That chemistry is the unstable, crazy making chaos, which feels normal to us. Being unsafe feels safe. Thats on us to relearn that quiet peace is beautiful and healthy. I wish I could time travel and make different choices based on my life today.
Ah………to be 30 and leave after my first D day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It’s not just narcs who cheat. I married “boring”… it was the sense of stability, security and feeling safe (emotionally and physically) that I could see in him and that I fell for (obviously I was physically attracted too!). So, yeah… although perhaps the upside is just the one affair, not a lifetime’s worth.
Everything you said above. I remember a post in one of those advice columns from a man in his 60s finding out all three kids weren’t his because the wife was a serial cheater and they were the bio kids of different affair partners.
He was devastated to put it mildly.
I hope OP listens to CN and run before she entraps him with a baby
Yeah thats a good point. Alot of cheaters want an anchor baby. Entrap the chump so that they are obligated. Then go after them financially and emotionally for all they can get. Babies are a tool to extract goodies from well meaning chumps. I had a classmate who was daddy duped. Woman got married to my friend, but never broke up with BF, knocked up by her ex boyfriend unbeknownst to my friend. Years later she left him for her BF moved in with their daughter. My friend was on birth certificate and did not cut off contact immediately when he found out. He had bonded and considered her a daughter. As a result he was on hook for child support until she was 18. She bonded with her bio dad and spent little time with my friend. Eventually she stopped wanting to go with him because her mom trash talked him said hes not your real dad. Very sad for my friend. Meanwhile the looser ex and her BF got a good payday.
This is one of the more horrible stories on this site. And that’s saying something.
Shattered, I was gifted with anger when I discovered that my ex of almost 30 years was cheating. I was also gifted with a therapist who knew with complete certainty that I needed to get out. My anger gave me strength & fortitude. My therapist gave me the tools I needed. Both these gifts (and a good divorce attorney) gave me the fuel I needed to help myself and my children. I hope you can dig deep and find what you need to get out of the marriage. Because it will never get better (“When someone shows you who they are, believe them” – Maya Angelou).
I now believe that much, much stronger than “I love you” is “I trust you”. Hindsight is 20/20 and I can now see ifat there were signs that my ex was not trustworthy, even though he didn’t cheat until late in our marriage.
Without trust, true love cannot exist. Your wife will never have true love with the new guy because their foundation is built on lies. And you can never go back to what you thought you had because shattered trust can never be restored. Every day you stay will chip away at your soul. You deserve much better. GTFO!!!
Excellent post.
You are so young, no kids, that my heart breaks for you to even be considering remaining shackled to this narcissistic POS cheater!
I did not leave FW narcopath after DDay #1 when I was kid free, employed and young. Crap therapists didn’t tell me to get out and I stupidly believed the fake remorse.
Fast-forward 30 years to find out FW was cheating for decade(s) and considering a fatal accident for me. Gray divorced with minor kids and counting pennies, still traumatized. That’s me now instead of looking forward to a secure retirement.
Read this blog enough and you’ll see my story is not unique.
Run and escape as fast as you can!
Dear Shattered,
I hear SO MUCH of my previous shattered self in your letter. I am 3 years post final D-day and freedom. It hurts my friend, I know it hurts. My God the lie feels so much sweeter than the truth at the stage you are in. I’m glad you found “us.” Please be brave. You know the truth. You need us all to tell you right now that everything that woman is saying is a LIE, a bold faced LIE, and YOU DESERVE BETTER. Stop trying to figure her out, you can’t. Stop trying to justify the lies and the betrayal, you can’t. You know in your heart that the stupid shit she is saying is a lie and you owe yourself the respect and dignity to let her have her lies to herself and free yourself from a moment more of pain. Imagine what staying with her would mean….. I promise you that it would be a greater and more prolonged agony than the hurt of abandoning the dream. All of us here know that the pain of betrayal and leaving a cheating partner is the death of the dream. Leaving the cheater is freedom. But leaving the dream of the love that we so badly wanted is where many of us feel the devastation. Separate the two. Leave the abuse. Leave the lies. Honor your truth. It will be painful, but you can’t stay and hold on to the dream that will never be. She will neverrrrrrrr be what you hoped. like ever. Stay Strong. Big Hugs.
Your pain is not part of her calculus.
That was a big part of why I finally told my ex “no reconcilation ever” after a year of long-distance separation. He was all focused on his “struggles” walking on the beach and making “friends,” and didn’t care that I was stuck explaining and dealing with two very angry college students who were trying to process everything. He was retired with endless time and a fancy rental house in a gated community. I had two jobs and all the rest.
He had some weird plans for reconcilation, but I also began to think that he was going to want to take up where we left off, pretending that none of it ever happened. He didn’t want any responsibility or accountability. Nope. We divorced.
So true. Your pain didnt factor in. I’m very introspective and have thought to myself…if I had a chance to cheat, would I? If not, why? Being a chump hurt me in such a cataclysmic ways, I cant fathom doing that to my husband. Is it because he is a perfect spouse? No, everyone makes mistakes, but my beloved s and would suffer so much if I did that.
Ive read “an unguarded strength is a double weakness” soI avoid saying “I would never!!!” as that tempts the Universe more than Im interested in doing, so instead, I focus on the daily work of being a trustworthy spouse who respects the feelings of the person (Im remarried after Chumpdom) I vowed to protect.
So Elsie’s advice above is good
Shattered, absolutely do not have sex with your wife ever again. She is a confirmed liar. You do not want her to have the opportunity to trap you and/or force you to write a large check to her every month for the next 18+ years. Or, at best, give you an STD or ten.
She does not want to lose her cake. You have no idea what she may do to keep it.
She is no longer your partner or friend. Time to treat her like the enemy that she is. Do not tell her what you are doing. Do not confide in her or anyone that may communicate with her. Freeze your credit/accounts. Meet with an attorney. Now.
100% this. Understand she is an enemy combatant. She does not have your best interests in mind.
Why would a childless young female cheater stay married? To extract resource$ from the chumpy man. To use and abuse him.
There’s nothing to work with her. Even assuming she’s telling the truth (and there’s no reason to assume that) she knows that a behavior she ACTIVELY engages in hurts you and she continues doing that. A person who does that is just cruel. Leave.
Shattered, I can feel your pain. I can see that you’re trying to blame yourself. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Please read the stories here and see that yours is one of legions. Your wife is not just friends with this guy. She’s lying to you. About everything. They are having an affair and she was going to great lengths to hide it from you. She cannot be trusted. You need to leave now.
I left DECADES after the first Dday in my marriage. I’m now old, tired and broke. But I’m out. Please don’t be me. Leave while you’re still young. Leave before you have children with this liar. Save yourself.
Shattered_Skies,
I have been where you are and it sucks. Please do not let it get worse for yourself like I did.
Supposing for a second that she is not being intimate (spoilers: she is) with this guy, NOTHING about her behavior at all indicates respect for you. At all. She has gone to extraordinary lengths to hide her relationship with this other guy from you. Any pretense of innocence ended when she turned off Location Services. If she knew it would make you mad, why do it without talking to you about it first? Why the dishonesty?
That’s easy. She didn’t think she would get caught. It’s an entitlement. It’s a criminal thinking error.
Like all Traitors, she got sloppy (“Love makes you stupid”) and she’s mad that she got caught and now she is doubling down rather than admitting fault. She is still not giving you the whole truth-you are getting that Star Wars horse hockey of “from a certain point of view.” Mine did the same thing.
You have been betrayed.
Where you are right now? You are used to her being right, being trustworthy, and having your best interests at heart. You are trying to convince yourself that she is doing nothing wrong, that you are paranoid, because well, that is what he wants you to believe. You have already identified it-there are no reparative efforts on her part. The time with her is stilted and awkward because she would rather be out playing with schmoopie than honoring her commitments.
If she was bored, if she was unhappy, if the only thing that was going to make her happy was somebody else, she had the ethical responsibility to sit you down and have an adult conversation with you. This does not include little obtuse hints that she dropped or the mental telepathy “you should read my mind”/”I shouldn’t have to tell you“-children do that, criminals do that, grown adults do not. That did not happen. Instead she went to bank robbery levels of planning to make sure you didn’t notice her stepping out. Does that seem right to you? It was OK to make your relationship legally binding but not be honest in it?
And by the way, this says NOTHING about you as a person or as a lover. You will accept that with time-for the short term it’s going to suck. You are going to be spending a year or two deprograming yourself from her messages. The further you get from the bomb crater of the marriage the more you will see other impaired thinking and behaviors as well. “When you wear rose colored glasses, red flags just look like regular flags.” It’s all well and good to accept somebody else’s flaws. It’s when quirks turn into abuse that it stops being OK.
I watched that happen in real time, too. It was extremely heart breaking, disempowering, and mind breaking. I thought everything was my fault and that I deserved it. I tried to win her back(the “Pick-Me Dance”). To no avail. It continued, the outward abuse intensified, and she finally left after she had picked me clean. My world was destroyed and the future I built was in ruins. All because she wasn’t happy with me anymore because I had needs too and loved this other person instead because I wasn’t OK with watching her give my love away.
Spoilers-it turned out my exit from the involuntary polycule made their little fluttering of wings unsustainable. It never entered that idiot’s mind as she was leaving that I was doing the emotional heavy lifting as well as everything else.
Don’t make my mistake. Divorce the idiot. Whatever you worry about losing in the divorce? Let me save you the calculus-You have already lost it, friend. All of it is replaceable or never yours to begin with.
You have some rough days ahead of you. The good news is that this ends when you decide it does. One way or another she has continually disrespected you, has shown no remorse, and has demonstrated no signs of stopping. Keep reading here-pretty much every story that was punctuated with “they agreed to stop seeing schmoopie and focus on “us”” ended with “they kept seeing them or got another Schmoopie”. The Traitor culture is filled with people that are justified based on flimsy technicalities.
And for the love of God and all of her whacky nephews-skip couples counseling. That ship sailed right before that Halloween party. That needs to happen before someone cheats. The relationship and trust are damaged beyond repair. She is not going to be triangulated into being the person that you fell in love with. By all means, get your own therapy (you are going to need it), work on yourself, but free yourself of this moron.
Welcome, Brother, to the ranks of the Guy Chumps. I am so sorry.
Today is Tuesday, the holy day of our people. Get rid of her and get closer to yours.
“When you wear rose colored glasses, red flags just look like regular flags.”
That one’s a keeper!
One of your best.
You need a lot of accurate input to reprogram your thinking. Reading here daily was and still is an invaluable remedy for keeping my thinking in the right place.
Grab some books….Tracy’s Leave a Cheater book and Cheating in a Nutshell are two very good ones.
My first therapist did workshops with Dr Frank Pittman, a brilliant therapist who put things in very simple, no-nonsense, enjoyable-to-read terms. I start to lose consciousness when things I read are dry, scientific, and academic…..
Here’s an excerpt from Private Lies by Dr Frank PIttman:
“In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy. In marriage intimacy is developed through confessions, explanations, and soul searchings. But of course intimacy involves equality, and people who are telling lies are not seeking any aspect of intimacy, especially equality. Liars are hoping for advantage, which will be produced by disorienting and distracting the other person. The liar is stepping outside the relationship. The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave them detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and threw in only one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma.”
-Dr. Frank Pittman
Private Lies
(p. 59)
He also wrote another great book called Grow Up! In it, he says he tells cheaters, “YOU are what is wrong with your marriage.”
Again, the antidote for how you are feeling is CHANGING YOUR THINKING, and that means daily exposure to resources that keep your perspective in the right place. It’s daily reprogramming and it’s a process. LIke any other medicine, it takes time, so be patient, kind, loving, and compassionate toward yourself.
LYING PREVENTS INTIMACY. You don’t have intimacy with your so-called spouse, and cheaters and side pieces don’t have it with each other.
Contentment, bliss, peace of mind, and joy are the rewards of a relationship with an honest person. Hold out for it.
XXOO
♥️
Such excellent advice
Yes, the lies were a big part of why I refused to reconcile. How could I believe him on anything after all of the prevarications, including serious gaslighting?
My ex even promised-promised-promised an easy divorce because he still “loved” me. I laughed. Seriously. Then he promised more. Within weeks, I knew that I was 100% right and that it would be messy and long. I hired my attorney accordingly, and never regretted that.
Late in the divorce process, he shared a detailed plan for my demise with his attorney. Of course, the attorney called mine, and mine called me.
Ah, yeah, the lies. He didn’t love me at all.
He promised you an easy divorce while planning your death. Dollars to donuts it was not going to be an easy death. Kudos on surviving the madness and living to tell the tale.
Yes, the contrast. He was just an overall wreck.
Chumplady is 100% correct. You have nothing to work with here. For your own mental health, your self esteem, and your future prosperity, you need to part ways with this person. She’s not the woman you thought you married. I forgave my husband’s first trespass – well, the first one I discovered. Years down the road I figured out he’d become much better at hiding what he was doing. I made that discovery in my gynecologist’s office. You don’t want to be me, buddy. The diseases are so much deadlier these days.
I got some gynecological parting gifts as well. So gross.
Shattered:
I am standing right next to you in the Chump Hall of Fame. My STBX claimed he was on a gay website having video chats with randos because he was so interested in video chat technology, and there was nothing sexual, in his mnd, about it. For 5 years. (I found out from trickle-lying years later.)
Who on earth would believe this nonsense? Me. Because I could not fathom he was capable of such deception.
Your wife goes to a different neighborhood, runs through other people’s backyards pulling their clothing from closelines, changes in a storm drain to a new outfit, steals a car and drives to a crowded public place and meets her friend who is wearing a fake moustache and false leg wherepon they retire to a hidden underground mall bunker to watch amusing cat videos, in perfect innocence.
I know if it was my partner, I would have likely believed it too. That is where having access to a large group of seasoned chumps is helpful: we’ll keep slapping you until you wake up from the dream.
So very sorry this happened to you. Allowing yourself to aknowledge reality hurts like having your skin blowtorched off. The only thing that hurts worse is staying with an abuser and enduring the upside-down world for years.
You are young, stronger than you know, and capable of loving deeply. Run like hell and find a woman who values that.
Shattered – please get out now. You are in this for five years only, you are still a young man, and best of all you are in therapy working out how to become a better man. I missed the part of your letter that says your wife is in therapy (either alone or with you in couples counseling) to become a better woman. Wouldn’t it be great to have a partner who did not sneak around behind your back, and then lie about it? Did they have sex or not? Doesn’t matter at this point. I was also married for five years when my FW had an emotional affair. I am 99.99% sure that there was nothing physical, not because of FW but because of the young woman involved. Long story, but FW and I ended up in marriage counseling wherein the therapist said something that rings in my ears to this day (35 years later): In an individual session I was talking about how the marriage could be a good one if he would stop giving his time and attention to other people and focus on his wife and kids. The therapist replied “Best Thing, he doesn’t care.” Was I unhappy? Doesn’t care. Heartbroken? Doesn’t care. Lonely? Doesn’t care. Overwhelmed? Doesn’t care. Reading your story I had the same phrase going on. You don’t like what is going on? She doesn’t care, gonna do it anyway. Imagine making my mistake, and 30 years from today when you are 60 your wife comes home from wherever she was this time, and says “You need to move out, my fiance wants to live here.” What then, at age 60? With half of your assets gone, and all the other stuff that comes with divorce. Decide today if what you have now is acceptable to you. If it is not then get gone, before, God forbid, your wife gets pregnant with a baby which may not be yours – and things would be worse if it is yours. You have a golden opportunity here to start over at a young age and find someone who does care. I wish I could go back to age thirty and run like the wind. And Shattered, please understand that it is not only painful to choose to get away, but it is scary as hell. But the pain and fear don’t last forever, and your future looks bright if you leave. It’s just the present and the past that are going to suck.
As an aside to all of Chump Nation – I just don’t get it when married people have a “friend group” separate from their spouse. I get having a friend or two with whom your spouse is not involved. That’s healthy enough. But I don’t get when a consistent group of people hang out with spouses excluded. Why was Shattered not invited to a Halloween party? That’s bizarre. If it’s a crochet club or auto mechanics get together or whatever I can understand. But to have a group of friends that excludes your partner… Idk. Red flag to me.
The funny thing is I at one point hung out with her friend group but eventually she stopped asking me to go a few months before we had a talk about why she was becoming so distant to the point I asked her “Is there someone replacing me?” which she said no to a couple months prior to D-Day. I also met that guy in person months before the incident and at the time I couldn’t place it but I felt immediately hostile like I wanted to punch his lights out. Kind of wonder if my body already knew what was happening then or what was about to happen. Whatever it was turned out my gut feeling definitely was onto something the rest of me hadn’t caught on to.
From my situation, my xh was not naturally social, it was an effort for him he had to “switch on” to engage with people at social events. Just the way some people are wired. So he came to a few things, but then we didn’t reciprocate and so asked out less. So I didn’t actively have a social life outside the marriage. I had a few social occasions that came with my commitments. And I certainly had coffee dates with friends! But definitely not an active social life without him… so yeah, I see what you mean in that sense.
Bear this in mind if she is sleeping (and risking pregnancy) with someone else:
In many states, the baby is legally the husband’s, even if the baby was fathered by another man.
My brother had to lay down a LOT of money to get divorced before his (new!) cheating wife gave birth. He needed a fast divorce so he wasn’t on the hook for someone else’s baby. And, yes, it was definitely not his; he had had a vasectomy years before.
Dear Shattered_Skies
Poor you this is truly horrible!
My D-Day was when my xh disclosed he had “feelings for someone else.” He’s such an honest man with a strong work ethic, respectful, considered, etc that I believed him. I believed it was feelings.
A few days later I checked his phone and found a “thinking of you xxx” text from the “unhappily married ” ho-worker Twiglet. I didn’t tell him but asked if anything had happened between them. Reply: No, no kisses no holding hands. Just a light hug and “what are we going to do?”.
Fast forward the next week when I check his emails and I find they started shagging three months prior.
S_S – I’m 10 months out from D Day. One month legally separated. Not in a million years did I think I’d be in this position after 20 years with my trusted husband. I’ve now crossed the other side to join the rest of CN, where they say, hand on heart, yep, she is definitely lying, and yep, they most definitely screwing around. And yep, most definitely get to a lawyer asap (not your regular lawyer, a family/divorce lawyer). And DEFINITELY DO NOT sleep with her. You do not want any chance to get her pregnant.
She has treated you like sh*t. You look after you now. Cut her out of your life. It’s the consequence of her choices.
With both my cheaters, I NEVER would suspect them of truly cheating…they were not that” kind of men ” and I was totally fooled by their shy quiet ways and the way they acted with women in front of me. But underground was way worse than anything I ever imagined. People are capable of double lives and acting like they care. I PROJECTED me being caring with them being caring and that was a living lie. I’m so sorry this is happening to you . A nightmare but you’ll wake up from it and be better for it. Press forward
Thank you for sharing 2xchump. When I reflect, I just don’t think I had a broken picker. Especially as I took a loooong time to find “the one”, I was mid-30s. Like yours, he wasn’t the flashy type either. I’ll continue to press forward. Thanks again. 🙏💕
MCC- how I have untangled this guy who so tenderly took care of his mentally ill father and also his very disturbed mother. I mean extraordinary care from a guy..and how I translated that into OUR care for each other into our old age…was first– my xh was mentally unstable and second, he lost both parents and 4 close friends during Covid. His disease was Porn addiction and emotional affairs and then into strangers that he told me was just for massage 💆♂️. But was more. Then it was coworkers. Do doing what Tracy told us not to do but not too much skein untangling..is To say my nice turned into creep husband over 30 years was1. Character defects that grew bigger than he could cope with and most of all PROGRESSION of his disease of porn and turning woman into objects to please him alone. It was an increase of arrogance and entitlement that was his coping style. My coping style was THIS HAS GOTTEN UNACCEPTABLE and I had absolutely no option but to leave him. I could not control.him. I could not help him, though I tried until I lost myself..and I did not cause his addiction though for YEARS I enabled him..I could not be part of his cure because I was part of the problem of overlooking his abuse of me even though he was extremely kind to his parents. It did not include me. My being allowed to stay was because I helped care for his sick and later dying parents. I WAS ONLY OF USE, I was not loved at all. Sad but I rest my case
Dear Shattered Skies, I am so sorry this woman treats you so rubbish. Follow CL advice and get your ducks in a row and get out. This self doubt keeps coming up for me. Write down every crap thing she said and did on your phone or a piece of paper (or giant notebook). When you feel sad or guilty or shame, come back and read it. It will help you realize she sucks. I told my story (also no hard proof, and similar to your story ) to my therapist. It took weeks. She said „it is enough„ – it is enough proof and it is enough to leave and divorce. Keep saying that to yourself. Be ready that once you leave, she may go into self pity and charm and try to get you back. You need to be strong. Look at that list. Know in your heart you deserve better. Move forward through the wall of pain. I am one year out and haven’t slept this well in years.
Let me repeat. LOADS of crap therapists out there. Why is OP in therapy going in circles trying to better himself? I see no mention of marriage counseling her in therapy or even his own counselor talking about divorce, leaving, abuse.
This she-FW is in a prime position to baby trap the hapless chump here with someone’s kid. Time is of the essence! No sex and get out do not waste time with bad therapists!
An ATTORNEY is what you needed yesterday.
Shattered-
Notice that none of the commenters have said, “Oh, you should stay and work it out with Cheater.” 100% have said, “Leave quickly and definitely do not have a final bedroom romp.” We’ve been there and we know that the self-blame is just your chumpy good heart, misappropriating blame to yourself because you’re believing the best of your spouse.
If only I would’ve had the self-awareness to leave when I first discovered all the lies (mind you, I hadn’t discovered the cheating yet, just the multitude of lies), I would’ve gained years of my life back. You are very lucky to still be young.
We’re in your corner and we’re behind you. As someone else said, you are stronger than you know.
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for your comments. Luckily there are no kids involved just a couple of dogs and our house. At the moment we are now sleeping in separate rooms and I’m in the process of finding an attorney. Frustrating thing is my state requires 1 whole year of separation before this can be completely over plus its a ‘no fault’ state but that said while I feel rough the advice and blunt responses to my letter made it much easier to accept its over.
I did try at first to reconcile but months past and she never put much effort in. What I have learned at this point is I need to forget empathy for her as that is what I think is partially keeping me stuck. That and denial that it isn’t as bad as it looks. Looks like I’ve got a long road ahead, but I think it’ll be a lot easier than staying and letting myself get pummeled emotionally.
Shattered_Skies
Remember do NOT alert your soon to be ex wife that you’re talking to attorneys.
I know a number of male chumps IRL and they’re often emotionally unprepared for the battle trying to still be the ‘good guy’. Unfortunately female FW can be especially superb manipulators using false accusations of DV, bandaid baby, paternity fraud as dirty tricks up their sleeves.
Set your emotions aside and ACT, PLAN your escape. Process the emotions later. Get out ASAP you have no idea how lucky you are this came out now at 30 & no kids. It does not feel like luck but trust us we’ve been in your shoes and many of us chose wrong, didn’t have this blog’s wisdom, chose to reconcile and we have all lived to regret it!
Dear Dear SS! Just listening to your story gives me flash backs of lies I tried to believe for 15 years out of
30 with#2 cheater..that online porn was not a problem, staying out late, no problem, phone sex bills, not too bad as it wasn’t a” real affair.” Emotional affairs NOT A PROBLEM. I think trickle lies are like turning up the flames on boiling the 🐸 frog,- YOU! The constant lies lull you to sleep and you can not move unless you’re hit with a snowplow. Many cheaters like to hold a pregnancy discussion to assure you they love only you or to bring you “closer”. Until I believed my husband did not love me at all and I was being used for cake for years…then I acted though almost too late. I did not have CL calling the plays until I filed, but now I know the play book cover to cover and you, my friend are in deep trouble for the rest of your life unless you believe she does not love you at all a go see your lawyer. I don’t know if guys get checked for STDs, but finances definitely and legal advice, and your position post divorce. Get a jump on it or your wife may figure out her plans while you are sleeping. Remember, You are NOT LOVED AT ALL, you are of use.
Shattered, if you’re still around and reading, I would say you have analysis paralysis. Stop trying to explain that woman’s appalling behavior. That’s how you need to think of her, as “that woman” rather than as your wife. She is in no way a wife to you. The only cure for inertia is to marshall all the will you have to make a move and that’s what your update says you’re doing. You’ve lawyered up. Good for you! Please look into alternate living arrangements. If you both own the home it’s more complicated and you probably don’t want to be the one to move out, because why should you have to. However, if she won’t leave, you’ll have to leave. Staying in the mindf*** of in house separation is not a viable option. It will destroy your mental health. It’s pretty much guaranteed that she has had sex with that guy and continues to do so. She is lying to you. The woman who pledged to be loving and loyal to you lies right to your face and openly humiliates you by continuing to see the affair partner when she knows it hurts you terribly. Even if they hadn’t be physical that would still be a proof that she has contempt for you and your feelings. Let that truth sink in and fully accept it. Then keeping busting those leave a cheater moves. Also, stick around for support. There are lots of veterans here who can help you out.
Shattered_Skies: So on Halloween, your wife left home dressed as a faithful, loving wife but as soon as she arrived a block away from the OM’s love nest, she quickly donned her proverbial French Maid costume and started serving up sexy party favors.
No amount of wreckconciliation is going to fix what ails your marriage. Your wife is a shameless cheater. A pathetic liar. An abuser. And for good measure, let’s throw in disrespectful, dismissive, dishonoring, disloyal, disgraceful, disconnected and totally disgusting. Even if divorcing her is the hardest thing you can ever imagine doing, Do It Anyway so you can rebuild your self-respect, reclaim your dignity, and have a future that brings you authenticity and joy.
Shattered_Skies,
Listen to CL. Run. Don’t walk. Get out. She doesn’t give a sh*t about you. Take it from a man whose wife abandoned him after almost 25 years of ”mirage” for her ugly, rich, older boss.
She didn’t give a sh*t about me either. Our FW’s share that lack of sentiment. They don’t bond. They’re not normal, and they’re not worth fighting for (internally or externally).
You’ll figure it out as you go, but get away from her, and if there’s no kids, go full no contact. If there are, then hard grey rock.
You will make it, and also thrive without such an uncaring person in your life. Well, she cares about herself, that’s obvious. You? Not so much.
Good luck, brother. We’re here for you. Peace, happiness, and maybe even love will come back to you. Just slip away, and plan your new life while you divorce her *ss.
Often we refer to our FW spouses as a best friend, or at least we thought they were. Here’s a quote on friendship which applies
“But when you are looking on anyone as a friend when you do not trust him as you trust yourself, you are making a grave mistake, and have failed to grasp sufficiently the full force of true friendship.” – SENECA
If someone can’t even meet the bar for friendship they’re definitely not spouse material.
What a good point you make. And we do of course want a best friend and a lover and trust them with our hearts and lives.
And then they violate our boundaries and there goes the trust and how can you be friends even with someone you can’t trust?
Anyway, I may be a bit off topic but I have to say that I’m about at the point I’m not even interested in being physically intimate anymore. It no longer has any meaning. Just a sport to get some good feelings for a few minutes.
It’s emptiness to me.
Shattered Skies,
You have come to the right place, you have found your community. She thinks she is so special (two people (or more) interested in her!) but they are not – it’s the same old playbook that has been done over and over again.
Lawyer up and strike fast while she is still in the fog. Let her think you are getting a divorce because it’s in her best interest – so she can move on and be happy. Stay disciplined throughout the process and remind her that this is what she wanted.
Don’t ever expect accountability or apologies from her – it won’t happen. These are people who lie and deceive their spouses, children, (and the rest of the family) and make their friends into enablers.
Get out of the marriage, put her in the past and move on. There are lots of beautiful people out here looking for love. Go find them.
Be thankful you don not have children together. The lying is very disorienting. You can feel the lying on a visceral level, while also totally believing them. It is very wierd and you almost have to go through it to understand it. You made the decision every day to live up to your vows, and cause no intentional harm to your FW. Your vows do not say to not being perfect, we are all flawed. Those flaws don’t lead to harming your spouse.
It gets easier with time. Once you have children it gets very entangled. Navigating the tourist parent, out in public with school parents is rough. Biting your lip for your childs benefit sucks. I am still struggling with it. I feel for you bro. But the advise is true, leave her, work out, do gratitude work. Buy books for rebuilding your life. The most true thing I have heard is you will never be cool with what happened you will just get to…meh.
Hey man, you sound a lot like me. And your wife sounds a lot like my ex wife. Similar timeline too. All I can say is that you serve yourself well by being here. Read the articles. Cut through the b.s. as much as possible.
Also, what helped me personally was to really try to separate the love of what once was from the reality of the present. Sadly, those two things became different. You could spend as much time as you like trying to figure out why, but it doesn’t change that those things have diverged.
I’m sorry for your grief. I’m sure it is immense. Just know that it is okay to grieve the loss of the relationship. But don’t grieve separating yourself from what many of us to consider to be a form of abuse. Be well. Make it through one day at a time.
I do nothing but cry happy tears now that I am FW free (my lawyer hates it because he is super gruff). My roommate and my business partner are hosting an early birthday party for me tomorrow. FW would always ignore my birthday and it feels incredible to be honored by the new people in my life that care about me. Trust us when we tell you that better times are ahead. CL knows: Get Out!