Infidelity Valentines Contest 2025
It’s time again for our Infidelity Valentines contest, where we immortalize our cheating exes in verse. Forget the chocolate and pink teddy bears! Bring me your bad poetry!
Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience.
A haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Extra bonus points for anyone who rhymes anything with Esther Perel. (Bad smell? Where goblins dwell? Pustules swell?)
Please no lugubrious long-form verse.
Keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
Put your submissions in the comments. (You’ll have to register on the site to comment.) Please do not email them to me, as much as I enjoy your witticisms, they are to be shared.
Looking for other ways to celebrate liberation from a FW?
For a small donation, this animal shelter will Neuter Your Ex. Okay, not really. But they will neuter or spay a feral cat in their name. The dick may still wander, but it won’t reproduce.
And this shelter will name a pee pad after your ex!
However you celebrate, send me your Infidelity Valentines poetry!
The winners will be announced on Valentine’s Day.
Snark on, CN!
TGIF!
I believed he was-
My Oberon, but he was-
Just a big fat fuck.
🤣
😆
HAHAHAHA. Shakespearean references, yay. 😉
Brilliant!
Methinks I was enamoured of an ass 😆😆
🤣
Whoops, meant to type Puck, Freudian slip 😉
Brilliant 🤣🤣🤣
I think you got it right the first time
Thank you for my first laugh of the morning! Still chuckling.
He said he wasn’t ready to settle down🤣
After 27 years, 3 kids and a mortgage -what a clown.
There was another woman- this was just a front
Now he’s lost everything -what a silly c.u.n.t
Do you remember,
Sending two cards that one year
Or was it more than once?
LFTT
Beautifully understated with a sting in the tail — the essence of haiku.
Btw, Your Dick is The Pier
At five most people learned they don’t always get what they want.
And when you’re married that means you can’t have someone else’s Cunt
Cake is good u selfish 40-year-old boy
You traded an entire family for that stupid toy
Take a long walk off a short pier, I hope you enjoy your jaunt
Points for that great title
You binge-watched Esther Perel
Decided to cheat and not tell
You’re on AP eleven
You think you’re in heaven
But your life post-divorce will be hell.
My partner decided to cheat
He DARVO’d and thought I was beat
The lawyer I hired
Uses PIs–inspired!
And now we have got the receipts.
Smart and funny 🤣
🙌
You stole my panties
to wear while with your girlfriend
Yes, you have no shame.
Sparkletwat ran away?
No one to monkeybranch to
Such a sad sausage
Caught cheating, pants down
Get the F out of my house
Consequences suck
There once was a man named Scott,
Who mistakenly thought he was hot.
I must also warn,
That he likes child porn,
And now I have left him to rot.
There once was a man-child from Berwick
Who believed himself to be perfect
Ten mistresses he carried
They didn’t know he was married
Out of the house he got kicked
She looked in my eyes and swore
That she loved me forever more
Except every Wednesday
When she gave *him* a lay;
He can keep the miserable whore
Challenge accepted
There once was a man who was feral
A disciple of one Esther Perel
He was married to me
Alas that he
Did my health very much imperil
Oooh, “Esther Peril.” 😀
Bobs phone full of Kate
Divorce drains 401k
Worth it to be free
Amen!
Weekly therapy,
Wellbutrin and Lexapro:
Betrayal trauma.
You did this to me,
And you never gave a damn.
So glad you’re gone.
There once was a guy called Mitch
Started cheating before he got hitched
Once wed thirty years
Fessed up, shed some tears,
And was shocked (Shocked!) he got ditched
That second “shocked!” really made me laugh 🙂
Great one!
flash insight during
sex – there’s someone else but he
“doesn’t remember”
Your fetish was what got you lit,
To cheat and get away with it.
When you look in the mirror
It could not be clearer
That you’re still a huge pile of shit.
Five years at the gym,
I look and feel fantastic!
This is my justice.
This is too rambly to be in the running but just for fun. 😉
Humpty Dumpty pitched an epic rage
When sidelined to side chick’s Valentine’s Day
That’s how the buzz spread and a fuckwit got caught
Humping dumpy coworkers in parking lots
Since then our poor Humpty kept striking out
When the local profession learned what she’s about
She pulled stakes for fresh hunting in Washington DC
Axis mundi for dicks of the patriarchy!
To Humpty’s big mouth I owe my liberation
And pray her homewrecking so too serves the nation
May her headlining Valentine’s faux #MeToo-boo-hoo
Cancel the whole global fuckwit coup
there once was a hubby named james
whose affairs were many and lame
he thought I would stay
but I left without delay
and he has only himself to blame.
My vag started to fester and smell
But my OB’s no Esther Perel
She said “That shit is abuse–
Cut his ass loose–
But first take this shot to get well.”
Lol! Your username is not accurate.
There once was a traitor and harlot
Who opened their own massage parlot
Ensuring supply
Of secrets and lies
For wearers of letters in scarlet.
Parlot! That is inspired!
Yes, extra points to VH for “parlot”
One day I found his
secret sexual basement
He can have the house
Yes, well done
That is a high-quality haiku.
Justice is coming
And Karma has their address
Being them is it
I’m not a monster
You are overreacting
The gas light is fine
This is great!
We married on Valentine’s Day
And then you quit your job right away.
I supported your ass–
And you cheated? Alas,
Now your bills can be Schmoopie’s to pay.
She has three young kids of her own,
And, like you, quit her job and stays home.
You’ve only met “once”
But I’m not a dunce.
She must give you really good phone.
Excellent!
Lol😙😁 my wedding to cheater was on Valentine’s too🤮 22 yrs ago, he left me for schmoopie ages ago and married her. My kids now in college tell me they just discovered he has a secret love child 4 years old with yet another schmoopie… and he just lost his big new job after moving 1000+ miles and buying a big new home while the old home still hasn’t sold…fun times . …
Cheaters are losers
You cannot be both at once
Stick with the winners
They’re nice to others
But treat spouse and kids like shit
They’re not truly nice
When they lie to you
They’re showing you who they are
And not who you are
This is on the level of Taoist canon. Clap, clap, clap.
Very high compliment coming from you, HOAC, O Educated Eloquent One. I’ll accept….thank you!
You are so sweet. I graduated Summa Cum Latte from Midvale lol.
After all the pain
Gratitude that l’m divorced
Could not be greater
He’a an awesome guy
He fucks over his wife and child
Delusion required
A dipshit named John had a kink
And he found it quite tiring to think
So he cast his net wide
And upon the moontide
His catch was the lost missing link.
Funny! 😄
LOLOLOLOLOLOL wide, moontide… fab.
Meant to capitalize Missing Link but missed edit window.
Secret sexy fun
New gets old and boring too
Dopamine wears off
Ha ha ha ha ha
He is lying to you too
Ha ha ha ha ha
Oh dear, Velvet Hammer! This one is making me laugh.
You really need to publish a booklet of these.
Self-defeating is
cheating on your diet when
you want to date teens
Victory is mine
I am smelling like a rose
She won my problems
Amicible split?
You are fucking delulu
Where’s my money bitch?
“Delulu”! Ha!!
I lost a liar
How can there be a down side
Losing is winning
As a past winner, I was going to abstain today but then the haiku tsunami struck.
Sorry!
And a grateful world applauds you. 😀
😜
Tsunami of pain
Recedes and takes out the trash
The clean beach is mine
Wow. Excellent.
Keeps getting better. Must publish.
D-Day post death sucks
I cannot cut his balls off
After cremation.
Very nice
Wow.
If I was alone
Without this blog and Tracy
I’d be a goner
Do your best to take very good care of yourselves today.
❤️
Cheryl, a mistress most ignoble
Blew up my life like Chernobyl
Her ex picked up the pieces
I’ll soon be his Mrs.
Happily after and a proposal.
According to Esther Perel
People would do very well
To pretend it’s okay
To lie, cheat and stray-
So Esther Perel? Go to Hell.
👍🏻👍🏻
Love this. ALL of the thumbs up!
Devotees of Esther Perel
Love to play kiss-and-don’t tell.
But when Chumps change the rules
They start looking like fools;
Their shenanigans hear the death knell.
Super!!!!!
Aw thanks ☺️
FW had left me for dead
Thought I’d never get up out of bed
Then I found Tracy Schorn
As a Chump, was reborn
Now I hear all the lies I was fed.
Inspiring. 😀
Last year I was too late for the contest, but wrote an epic limerick for my own entertainment. Here are three of the stanzas (I couldn’t choose just one):
I believed you hook, line and sinker
Didn’t know you were boning this stinker
She’s the “love of your life”
Going to make her your wife
Why would you choose such a clinker?
Caught just like a rat in a cage
Explosive and reeking with rage
“The best woman won me,
Get over it honey”
Fool, I’ve already turned the next page
She will be wife number two
After betraying your first while you screw
She’s had so many dicks
You’ll be hubby six
In a series that won’t end with you
Best ending line ever.
You’re too lazy for a free fuck
Your whores rub, ride, moan, and they suck
But you won’t get laid
Unless they get paid
A woman to love you? Good luck!
Brava!
Our friend/the A.P. is named Mel.
About the affair they never did tell.
They betrayed my ring.
My walls now do sing.
And their lives, I’m sure, are pure hell.
She said everything was all right
Lover boy was her secret delight
Late nights out seemed shady
I’ve been saved by Chumplady
My future without her is bright
There once was a cheater named Dave
Who was just a big fat lying knave
More kibble, said he
Cause it’s all about ME
As he ran out the door to his fave