Is It Too Late to Leave a Serial Cheater?

She’s been married for 20 years and is wondering if it’s too late to leave a cheater? Her husband has never been faithful.

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Hello Chump Lady,

I have been wanting to write this letter to you for over a decade and I am finally doing it.

I have been married for 20 years. My first D-Day was 17 years ago.

I was holding my newborn and reading an email from my husband to his coworker reminiscing one of their Wednesdays together, very explicitly. In that moment, I felt so weak I still don’t know how I did not drop my baby. Before I found proof of his affair, I had suspicions for months.

He never really confessed or give any details so I never new when it started. They saw each other everyday at work and went to her place once a week or more. We had two kids in diapers at that time. He blamed pressure, kids, no help, struggling with finances, me not wanting to go out much, etc. It did make me feel guilty because my mother passed away before I had my first child and I was still grieving her, especially having babies, missing her, her never meeting my children. His family never really showed up, they barely speak.

He never did much to rebuild our relationship and I was overwhelmed and could not see myself alone.

So I stayed.

Then came D-Days 2, 3, and 4. And figuring it all out on my own going through his phone records, finding more emails and searching his phone. Always with coworkers, except for one being his ex-girlfriend that he never really stopped seeing while we were married.

I threw him out several times, but it never lasted more than two weeks. Later, I found out from his friends that he had been unfaithful the whole relationship, 5 years dating and 20 years of marriage.

I come from a broken home where my father cheated and had a child out of wedlock with his mistress. His affair started when I was five years old and he would tell my mom he was working night shifts until she figured out he had lost his job and was at the OW’s house on these nights. He lived a double life and would spend every other night with his OW until my mother passed away. I had promised myself to never ever live through such a toxic relationship, which ruined her life and ultimately killed her. She got sick and died shortly after I got married. My father moved in with his affair partner and we barely speak. 

Unfortunately, here I am, doing exactly what I swore I wouldn’t never do: staying with a cheater.

Throughout the years I have heard different reasons for my husband’s behavior. According to him, he is like a kid in a candy store that needs to have it all, or I’m too absorbed by motherhood. After D-Day 1, I overheard him say to one of his friends that he was no longer interested in me, the flame burned out and he did not see how or want to relight the fire. But he never left and still today says he wants to stay married because he wants to be with me.

He blames me for always referring to his old ways to prove my point, saying his affairs are  in the past but every year something comes up. Like getting a phone call a couple of years ago from my relative, telling me she saw my husband at a restaurant with a woman when he left our home to attend a conference supposedly. That woman was his ex-girlfriend that he went to have breakfast with on the other side of town, never thinking that he would see my cousin there.

Last summer, he went out and forgot his phone, which he never does. I ended up going through it to find a voice mail that he erased, from a colleague not understanding why he was so cold and distant when she thought they were friends and telling him to please erase all of her pictures and messages. I believe they were more than friends….

He always refused to cut ties with any his OW.

They all work in the same field, ex girlfriend included, and he said they share information and work together so it has always been out of the question. We did therapy for a few sessions but all he wanted was for the psychologist to tell me I also had a problem because I became a germophobe, had OCD, worried too much about the kids. But when they started telling him about his behaviour and his problems, he did not want to go anymore. I did go to therapy alone for many years, helping me to cope with my situation.

After hearing that voice mail, confronting him and hearing him blame the woman because SHE was after him, I told him he had to leave. Our teenagers were devastated because it was the first time they were aware of him leaving. I told him that I was not going to tell them why we were splitting, that was his job. He said nothing. They cried so much and I thought I was gonna be able to go through with the separation, but I did not and he came back after a week saying he would show me how good of a husband he can be. He agreed to couple’s therapy that he had to schedule. Never did.

I am now 50 and feel so ashamed for not thinking about my well-being and prioritizing my marriage.

I have other goals I want to achieve like going back to school but I have no motivation when it comes to me. He was never supportive because he knew I would not go through with it  but he had my full support to get two degrees and be promoted at his job. And still I stayed.

My children are older so I cannot say that I am staying because of them. And I do not depend on him financially, so that is not an issue either. I look back and feel I wasted so many years hoping for the impossible. I feel stuck and unable to move on, always waiting for another D-Day to try to leave, as if I did not have good reasons to want out. Still.

Stuck.

P.s. English is not my first language, apologies for any syntax or grammatical errors.

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Dear Stuck,

Imagine I’m on a rooftop, with a megaphone, shouting at you:

IT’S NEVER TOO LATE TO LEAVE A CHEATER!

You’re not stuck, you’re just exhausted from the bullshit and have forgotten you have agency.

This has been a long recitation of what a total creep your husband is, as if you feel you must marshal your evidence to convince me, the Leave a Cheater lady, to give you my blessing.

Okay, fourteen D-Days, I feel she has suffered enough. Permission granted.

The only person you have to convince is yourself. You have the power to say ENOUGH. Is this relationship acceptable to YOU? He doesn’t have to be a flaming serial cheater. You can leave him because you don’t like his haircut or the way he chews his breakfast cereal.

Those would be very superficial reasons to leave someone, Tracy.

They’d be honest. But the way you’re living now is dishonest to yourself. And to your kids. To the best of your ability, you’ve hidden your husband’s abuse from them. His continual devaluing of you, the risks he’s put to your health and your children’s intact family home, for 20 straight years.

He continually hurts you and you continually take it.

But you matter. You don’t have to take it. YOU MATTER.

I’ve written a lot about what keeps us stuck with cheaters. Heck, I devoted a whole book to the subject and how to leave. We’ll discuss you, but remember, you’re not feeling anything we haven’t felt before you. Your situation isn’t unique. Sadly, it’s incredibly, distressingly common. But take heart, there is a good life on the other side of abuse, and it’s waiting here for you.

It might feel like it’s going to take a superhuman amount of strength to leave him, but it takes way more strength to live like you’ve been living. He’s depleted you.

Take your power back.

I come from a broken home where my father cheated and had a child out of wedlock with his mistress.

Interesting you said “broken home” when your mother stayed with her cheating husband. The trope is that divorce makes broken homes. But you rightly intuit that dysfunction makes broken homes.

I had promised myself to never ever live through such a toxic relationship, which ruined her life and ultimately killed her.

Leave for yourself. Leave for your mother, who didn’t. Do it for your kids. Break the cycle.

Stop looking to your FW husband.

Throughout the years I have heard different reasons for my husband’s behavior. According to him, he is like a kid in a candy store that needs to have it all, or I’m too absorbed by motherhood.

Who CARES? Seriously, who gives one flipping burrito what a fuckwit thinks about why his dick wanders? There’s only ONE question: IS THIS RELATIONSHIP ACCEPTABLE TO ME?

Do you want to be married to a toddler in a candy store? Or a man who thinks devotion to his offspring is a FAULT? I’m sorry this misogynistic stand-by-your-man garbage was modeled to you, but you DO NOT NEED HIM. You don’t need his excuses for his bad behavior and you do not need him. You’d get more devotion from a toast rack.

But he never left and still today says he wants to stay married because he wants to be with me.

Of course he does. You’re a good wife appliance with a paycheck.

WHO CARES WHAT HE WANTS!

After hearing that voice mail, confronting him and hearing him blame the woman because SHE was after him, I told him he had to leave.

He doesn’t believe you. This is your first fatal mistake. You keep expecting him to behave with accountability and HE NEVER DOES. So, take the message. He has zero intention of cleaning up his mess. This works for him. He doesn’t care that it doesn’t work for you. Pay attention to his behavior.

In this scenario, YOU leave. You file the divorce papers. You take the reins. Stop offering him the reins. He’s going right back to the cake trough.

Our teenagers were devastated because it was the first time they were aware of him leaving.

Why are you shielding your children from the truth about their father? He’s created this human shield problem. You do not need to keep his secrets. “I’m divorcing your father because he hasn’t been faithful in our 20 year marriage and this is unacceptable to me. His behavior is incompatible with my idea of marriage and my values.” That’s the truth.

STOP IT!

Stop handing a FW responsibility for your life. Not once in 20 years has he put your well-being, or his children’s, first. YOU be the sane parent. YOU tell the children YOUR “this is unacceptable to me” truth.

Is that fair? Quit getting hung up on fair. Waiting for him to bust a move is your way of chickening out and delaying the clock. I’ll just sit here and let him make a decision about us, marriage counseling, telling the children….

It never happens. Because IT WORKS FOR HIM.

He does not care that it hurts you. In fact, humiliating you is probably a turn on for this sadistic POS. You’re in an abusive relationship. I’m sorry no one mentioned it to you in those years of therapy, but there’s a lot of bad therapy out there. You’re the only one who can save yourself. And you, Stuck, are so worth saving.

I have other goals I want to achieve like going back to school but I have no motivation when it comes to me. He was never supportive because he knew I would not go through with it  but he had my full support to get two degrees and be promoted at his job.

Imagine how wonderful your life could be if you directed all that energy you’ve poured into him into yourself instead? What if you were your own supportive partner? How amazing to have that kind of love! DO IT.

It’s not too late to go back to school or leave a cheater. You’re only 50! Get out now before he needs a nurse or spends the retirement funds on his affair partners. Talk to a lawyer today!

Go through with it.

You’ll be so proud of yourself.