Kids Don’t Want to Meet His Affair Partner

Her kids don’t want to meet her ex-husband’s affair partner. Now he’s marrying her and wants to keep it a secret from one of the children.

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Dear Chump Lady,

My ex left  a little or 4 years ago.  My divorce was finalized last spring.  The usual cheater story… had what I thought was a good marriage with a good guy two kids. One day I get the “I love you but I am not in love with you.”  Turns out he was cheating with his associate who he was supposed to be mentoring.  Both lawyers.  She’s 14 years younger married with a baby.  Claims he never cheated on me blah blah blah.  Went from good guy to horrible guy, treated me like crap, dragged out the divorce for 3 years.  Did all the typical narc FW stuff, blamed me for everything, abandoned the kids, played victim and ran off with the Other Woman on multiple trips a year.  Trips that he promised me we would go on.

I was a heartbroken chump for a long time. My kids were heartbroken. Divorce is now over.

Finally getting my life back, taking care of myself and my kids and getting some normalcy in our lives.  Cheater has tried to push his affair partner on my kids (they are teenagers high school /college age) but they want nothing to do with her. 

Recently he told my oldest that he was getting married. He told him not to tell me or younger brother because he wants to tell us himself (we never talk), so I know that is a lie. He was crying and sad to my son and apologized to him, telling him he knows this is hard for him.  Telling my son that he knows that me and my family are pushing him to choose a side (another lie) and that if he accepts everyone on ex’s side of the family that there would be wonderful fun opportunities to travel for him. 

Gross. My son said he was so manipulative on the phone. 

Always the sad sausage.

Despite all my therapy and self improvement and peace I have found, I still can’t get over that my ex has turned into such a disgusting selfish and mean person. At some level I still feel like affair partner has won.  Can you give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to trust that they suck?

Thanks. 

Johanna

P.S.

I find your website and book so helpful.  During the really bad days, I used to go to bed listening to the book on audio tell me that my cheater sucked.  It was the only way I could wind down and go to sleep.  

I have a wonderful therapist and she has helped me a lot. I am Catholic and I have had some priests help me as well and even got my 22 year marriage annulled in the Catholic Church which is no easy feat.

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Dear Johanna,

Your ex’s manipulations to get the kids to accept his old affair partner and soon-to-be-wife is his problem.

He’s responsible for his relationship with his kids.

You don’t have to weigh in on any of it. It’s totally shitty of him to try to press your son into a conspiracy of silence with you and your other child. (I’m sure your ex must miss his conspiracies.) So, I assume your son told you, and the way his father behaved during the encounter (aka “sad sausage.”)

As tempting as it would be to react to all of this with OMG HE IS SUCH A FUCKWIT, I’d cool-bummer-wow my way through that discussion. Don’t center yourself (OMG MY EX IS GETTING MARRIED!), center your kid instead. “You feeling okay? Would you like some pancakes?” Divert attention back to home, sanity, and model We Will Not let FWs Rock Our World.

Your ex imagines you care. Don’t care.

He wants to drop bombs in your life. Treat him and his nuptials like the non-event that it is. You have a life. Your children have lives. I’m sorry he canceled his subscription to adulting to go jet around with Schmoopie for several years, but you don’t pick children back up like discarded knitting projects. Everyone has moved on.

Your children are young adults. It’s their call if they want to attend the giant celebration of monogamy by two cheaters. You’re busy that day doing something improving. Really anything is more improving than thinking about your ex’s wedding to his affair partner. Floss your teeth, vacuum the refrigerator coils, clip your toenails. Your toenail clipping deserves more centrality than your ex.

 He was crying and sad to my son and apologized to him, telling him he knows this is hard for him. 

No, not really. But clearly it’s hard on you, Dad, as only one of us is in tears.

Telling my son that he knows that me and my family are pushing him to choose a side (another lie)

I think your behavior speaks for itself. But it’s nice of you to convey your apologies by shit-talking my family and conscripting me into your secrets.

and that if he accepts everyone on ex’s side of the family that there would be wonderful fun opportunities to travel for him. 

What exactly does that acceptance look like? Is there a quiz? Three guesses at Uncle Martin’s profession and you win a trip to Muskegon?

Trust that he sucks.

Despite all my therapy and self improvement and peace I have found, I still can’t get over that my ex has turned into such a disgusting selfish and mean person.

Quit untangling the skein. Was he always awful, is he only awful to you, will he be awful in the future is pointless energy directed at a FW. The important point is that his behavior — cheating, subsequent abandonment of his children and litigation abuse — is a deal killer. You cannot have this person in your life. He isn’t safe and he doesn’t deserve your care. You have a new life that requires all your attention.

At some level I still feel like affair partner has won. 

It’s a feeling. It will pass. I can tell you many years out that I couldn’t care less if my ex is on his 15th marriage or still madly in love with his dick. If Schmoopie is in the picture, or if she’s pining for some liquor store clerk in New Jersey. I turned off their soap opera long ago. Those people suck.

The memory of them is only useful in so far as it furthers the mission of this blog, which is to get you over FWs and into your new, improved life.

If your ex’s affair partner feels like she won. Okay. Have at it, Schmoops. That guy is NO GOOD FOR YOU. She thinks he’s good? Whatever. It shouldn’t rock your KNOWLEDGE and EXPERIENCE of exactly how bad he is.

Let her take crazy risks with her life. Let her eat the gas station sushi and enjoy the results. It’s going to be different this time!

Can you give me a swift kick in the ass and tell me to trust that they suck?

They suck.