What Lessons Did You Learn From Cheating?

So, I was going to decode the other part of the inexorable piece of crap “12 Lessons I Learned from Cheating” by Parker Barrett today. But I decided to spare you. Spoiler alert — it’s not what she did, it’s your reaction (judgement) that’s the problem. Which pretty much sums up any dealings with disordered fuckwits — don’t use your judgement. Swallow the bullshit and we’re all good here.

Bullshit such as, it’s impossible to end relationships honestly!

“I think affairs can be really useful, because let’s face it, life is fucking scary, and it’s hard to make big changes all by yourself.”

Yes, Parker, life is fucking scary. Especially when the person you trusted most pulls the rug out from under your world. You’re called upon to make some big changes all by yourself.

So Chump Nation — what were those changes? What did YOU learn from cheating? Give me a list. It can be 12 or 2, or 27 items.

I learned:

  1. If I’m finished with you? I’m really not to be fucked with.
  2. I have a great capacity for forgiveness. I tried to reconcile. (But give me another D-Day? See item #1.)
  3. I’m so much stronger than I ever knew.
  4. With some help, I can move out of a 3,500 square foot house in under 3 hours and turn off utilities.
  5. That I can do my job even in times of terrible crisis. I’ll still show up.
  6. That yes, children are resilient. They shouldn’t have to be, but over time, they are. Be the sane parent.
  7. It’s super hard some days to be the sane parent.
  8. There’s a good life on the other side and I built it.
  9. Who my friends really are and who’s a waste of space.
  10. That I could love again.

Your turn!

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Loveydovey
Loveydovey
7 years ago

1) when you marry you are responsible for the fuckwit’s debt

2) two people in a bad marriage can create two awesome kids.

3) I don’t need to like my ex in order to sanely coparent with him
4) caring for myself is creating a good parent for my children.

5) although I would not turn down love, I’m OK being a singleton.

6) friends are wonderful.

7) life is worth living even with pain

8) a good job is worth it’s weight in gold

FarBetterOff
FarBetterOff
7 years ago
Reply to  Loveydovey

I love all of these! Excellent perspective.

Todova
Todova
7 years ago

I learned that he was always an asshole and he will never change. It was all him and never me.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Todova

THIS^^^^!!!

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Learned from divorce
1. If an excuse seems ridiculous, it is.
2. Stay quiet, get ducks in a row and sign off within 6 weeks. Guilt only lasts so long
3. Register your separation agreement with maintenance enforcement immediately. Things won’t always be amiable esp when new love interests come on the scene.
4. Determine your best case scenario for parallel parenting and be clear/stand firm.
5. State your expectations rather than ask can you, would you pick up ds after school
6. Parenting transfers are best left to third party ie pick up and drop off at school or day care NOT at your house. Requires non custodial parent to be on time and can’t jerk you around. They don’t like looking bad to others but it’s ok with you.
7. Let the kids talk about their time with their other parent on their time (I find this the hardest)
8. Expect NOTHING from former partner. You will always be disappointed. My therapist suggested I pretend he was dead and then ask what would you do?
9. Have a back up for custodial issues. Their children are NOT their priority.
10. Limit communication to ONE email address.
11. Document/keep receipts for everything.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  PhysicsGal

Totally second these, Physics Gal. I was warned about number 2 and acted just in time. OW hit the roof and demanded he pull out of our financial settlement but the next day it came back from the court, signed sealed and delivered. Backup plans are wise too. If mine knows I’ve got something important on or am away during their weekends with him, he inevitably throws a spanner in the works

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

I learned
1) That I am mightier than I ever thought possible
2) Thst someone who says they love you can be capable of doing the most evil things to you
3) That a parent who claims they love their child can pull some spectacular crap on their child too
4) That being the sane parent pays huge dividends
5) That lawyer who are supposed to be on the side of the wronged party can be just as bad as the stbx
6) That the pain and grief are finite and there is a good life to live on the other side

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I love all these NewLady15!!! Especially 1, 2, & 6.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I could have made this same list. I would add:

7) That I am getting good at judging people by their actions and not their words.
8) That if people overlook STBX’s bad behaviour, they are probably behaving in an equally bad way. Cut them out of your life.
9) That there are a lot of really good people out there who if they know your situation will surround you with love and support
10) That even while dealing with the disordered, there is a peace that comes from removing them from your heart and life (no more pick me dance or dancing on eggshells)

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

THIS: “That the pain and grief are finite and there is a good life to live on the other side”. YES. Hell yes.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I learned that I had to marry, bond, have kids, live life then divorce to be fully convinced of the horrible woman that she always was all along.

sewingchump
sewingchump
7 years ago

SureChumpedAlot – I have learned the same thing minus kids. Such a hard lesson. One word – Hubris. My own hubris that I could make a bad man be an altogether better, decent person with love. Doesn’t work that way unfortunately.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago

We may learn slowly, SCAL, but we do learn thoroughly, don’t we?

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

1. Never trust anyone more than your own gut instincts.

2. I can bend an awful fucking lot before breaking. That’s a testament to the strength of the stuff I’m made of.

3. Don’t deny yourself indulgences, but always act for winning the long game.

4. As gut wrenching as my personal situation is, there are others who have gone through far worse from ehom I can learn a whole lot.

5. Kunty Kibbler is every bit as fucked up as I secretly feared she was capable of being.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

#1 and #4

I almost left the wedding ceremony … wedding pictures show me backing away… LOL

Should have trusted my gut feeling and ran.

Yep, my situation is not special ~ good gawd I’m amazed at how many chumps there are out there. But I learn something all the time from my fellow chumps. The biggest thing I’ve learned? It’s the cheaters loss ~ we rock. We always did.

ChumpedbyLoser
ChumpedbyLoser
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

#5 combined with #1 sums it up for me. I should have known. Nobody else, even to this day, would believe it, but I should have. I will never know why I ignored it. Both being from a small town, nobody understands why I am now being so cold. They don’t have to. This is now my life, and it rocks!!

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

” I can bend an awful fucking lot before breaking. That’s a testament to the strength of the stuff I’m made of.”

This is GOLD. And so true!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

#1 is so true. My gut instinct told me to leave after the 1st date (and many after that) but I let the love bombing and societies sayings overrule it! Never again!

sewingchump
sewingchump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Me too! I didn’t even get love bombing. I received two years of dating torment and hell before I talked him into marrying me. Yes, I talked him into marrying me. I was desperate and felt that I would never again have the chance to get married. Wish I could go back now and bitch slap myself and insist that I dump the creep.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

There were signs, early on, that I attributed to his young age (he was 22, I was 32). I felt neglected, passed over for the “fun” thing — That scene in “Say Anything” where John Cusack & Ione Skye are at a party and, though they separate to talk to other people, he still keeps popping up to check on her? Yeah, that never happened for me — he’d ditch me at the door.

But for me, I didn’t stay because of love-bombing. I stayed because he seemed a good person, other than being “young.” He was kind. He didn’t mind that I was a woman who made more money than he did — no sexism. He had a job and went to work every day. Also he was pleasant, happy, fun, easy-going — a nice counterbalance to my sometimes high-strung intensities. Also, he seemed so “normal,” a change from my own highly dysfunctional family.

Gorilla Poop
Gorilla Poop
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

You described my marriage too. He was 8 years younger, a nice guy, I felt very emotionally supported. Now that we have been separated for 6 months, I can separate his behavior from his words. He was mostly self-centered and controlling as a husband and a father. I know I am better off without him, but getting over this is going to take a while. I see myself alone for a very, very long time.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Omg, you just described my STBX perfectly. But the “nice guy” thing was all an act. He maintained it only when I was completely focused on him.

icandothis18
icandothis18
7 years ago

My ex told me after walking out on me and the kids, “I’m tired of being the good guy that everyone expects me to be.”

Chumpedat65
Chumpedat65
7 years ago
Reply to  icandothis18

EXACTLY what my STBX said. Do they all have the same cheater playbook?

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

This!

Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump UK edition
Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump UK edition
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

OMG Me too – stood there on my wedding day thinking WTF are you doing – alas Love Bombing is highly addictive – stupid me

EMC
EMC
6 years ago

I’ll validate trusting your gut! The two thoughts that crossed my brain when I was about to say, “I do,” was that, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by saying no, and that I should enjoy it while it lasts.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago

Same here! I knew I was making a bad decision but felt too far in to back out. Doing so would have been the MIGHTIEST choice I would have ever made. Took me way too long to get mighty. 🙁

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

I’m relieved to confess I felt the same. I was panicking in the weeks leading up to our wedding day, wondering why I was marrying this man with increasingly bullying tendencies, and suffocating all my dreams to support his ambitions. I was terrified of humiliating myself, hurting ex and upsetting family. If only I’d listened to my gut.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  Vastra

My first reaction to meeting X at uni was “stay away from that creep”!

Seeking Peace
Seeking Peace
7 years ago

1) actions speak louder than words
2) forgive myself for picking a flawed character as the father of my children and husband
3) keep finances separate
4) trust your gut instinct
5) there are good man out there
6) I am much stronger than ever thought and not crazy
7) I have been given a second chance and will rebuild a much better life

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Seeking Peace

Love this list!
# 2 is really, really hard – especially when I see my children hurting.

angelgirl
angelgirl
7 years ago

Of all the evil I have been thru and all the pain, this one is the hardest to deal with. I made my choices, my children had no say in the matter. I have spent the rest of my life trying to make up for it as much as I can. But I know it made them who they are now. They all deserved so much better!

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  angelgirl

I am with all of you on the ‘children’ regret thing. (Think I’ve made a lot of positive progress on it, though)
I believe that is likely the #1 regret / sadness for Chumps with children.
However, my own son feels much like angelgirl……Seeing the ‘stupid’ results of his cheater-dad’s repeated sick choices caused him to choose to be polar opposite——Kind / a truly Good Man / etc.
However, the regret is still there, is it not? We would rather our children have 2 goods parents!
Remember: We did the best we could with what we knew at the time, so Stay Sane now

Love You, Nation!!

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago

I still have not been able to manage #2. IT tears me up.

LiveForToday
LiveForToday
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Me too #2. My kids are awesome. I feel so bad he is their dad.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  LiveForToday

My biggest regret is breeding with X, I’m ashamed and so very sorry. My son deserved so much better,

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

1. Jesus is a tried and true anchor for the soul during stormy times, including times where people abuse His Name.

2. Take emotional affairs seriously.

3. Don’t allow others to distract you from making the cheatibg, THE ISSUE needing addressing.

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago

Amen to #3! Assholio kept trying to say that the cheating was a “symptom,” not the cause of our bad marriage. Because the way to make a struggling marriage better is to screw around…

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

OMG! No kidding the way STBX was “fixing”our marriage (which BTW I thought was pretty freaking good!) was by talking shit about me to the whoremat and hating on their spouses together. And then the BIG fix was to fuck each other. That was the way to fix that marriage right up! Thank GOD for the whoremat. Otherwise where would we be right now? Definitely not in Fixed Marriage Wonderland! Which includes such mindblowing sights as Untangling the Fucked Up Skein Falls and the River of Shed Tears and the Ruined Lives Rainforest. THANKS OW!

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

I like the walking path next to the River of Shed Tears. I especially like the fainting couches that dot the shoreline and the Kleenex dispensers every 4 feet.

Sad Shelby, please don’t take this the wrong way (because I’m sane, heterosexual, and completely joking)…but I wanna marry you and have, like, a thousand of your babies. You are my kind of hilarious. Note: there is absolutely ZERO funny about our circumstances, which is why a heavy dose of non-sequitur and sarcasm feels so damn good. What else can we do but mock the absurdity of what’s been done to us, to our families? Our exes are boggarts, and this is how we cast the riddikulus spell.

Chumpedat65
Chumpedat65
7 years ago

“fucked up skein falls, river of shed tears and ruined lives rainforest”
“fainting couches dotting the shoreline..”
ROTFLMAO!!!
I love you both, Honey and Sad Shelby, for giving me a huge belly laugh after nearly two days of sobbing grief. Thank you thank you

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedat65

Same here. I’ve had a major set back this week and I’ve spent basically everyday since Sunday crying non-stop. I’m trying. Just not very successfully. ☹️

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago

Thank you so much. Honestly, I think my best quality besides my inherent and epic goodness?, loyalty and ability to love is my sense of humor. It’s the number one thing I’m complimented on. I like to make people laugh. And it makes me feel better when I can laugh, especially at my own jokes. It is literally the only way I’ve been able to get through this. Just when I start to feel stronger I’m knocked back on my ass and I spend days upon days sobbing over my losses. It SUCKS! I used to be happy go lucky Shelby and maybe eventually I be her again someday. It’s hard to imagine because the person that made me laugh the most and encouraged my silliness the most was STBX.

Thanks for brightening my day ?

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago

Amen to Number One. His NAME is Faithful and True. Rev 19:11 My knight in shining armor!

lldodd60
lldodd60
7 years ago

Amen to #2. In retrospect I should have gone to her next and told her to get out of my marriage and told him to quit Boy Scouts.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Thanks CL for sparing us. I was losing the will to live thinking about reading more of her shit. You know your nation.

1). Actions not words (repeat daily)

2). Nice isn’t kind

3). Life can take very sharp corners but I can still steer

4). I can cope with what I thought would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.

5). I can love and value myself a lot more than I knew

6). I cannot fucking stand cheaters or their apologists

7). There is more goodness and love for me in the world than I suspected.

8). My children can learn appalling life lessons but we can come together to thrive.

9). Work can be a life saver

10). I can have the future that I choose for myself.

11). Extreme emotions are survivable

12). I can choose to be happy.

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Cap, I love your list, especially #2 and #4.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Chump Lady and Capricorn; thank you for doing the heavy lifting today! My only addition would be:

1. Lying by omission is still a lie.

jumper
jumper
7 years ago

+1 yep

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Yes Capricorn! Number 4!! “I can cope with what I thought would be the worst thing that could ever happen to me.” It still amazes me that I was able to make it out and now be relieved that he is out of my life. Before the idea of living without him seemed like an impossible hell, but now feels like heaven.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Yes!! I used to wish I would die first!

Gail
Gail
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

My 2 grown sons have finally witnessed me stand up to their bully, narcissistic, greedy, selfish, lying, cheating , pig father after 36 years of being his doormat in front of them! Many people including them don’t like the woman I have become post divorce and NO CONTACT! I RESPECT ✊ myself now! My needs come first! None of them cared when they seen him killing me in front of them!

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

#2 on Capricorn’s list is very important, and it took me a while to figure this out. One of the first things the MC asked me about Assholio was, “is he kind?” I had to think about it, which is not a good sign. Well, everyone thinks he’s “nice” because he will do anything for anyone who asks (outside of the family, that is), because it’s all about maintaining his image. Is he actually kind? No, because he only cares about himself, so he’s not able to truly be a kind person. He can only imitate what that looks like to the outside world and go through the motions.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Sausalito

^*^*^*^
Is he kind? He can imitate kind, to what looks and sounds to the outside world as kind and go through the motions.
Everyone seems to think he’s a great guy, he puts on a great act. He would tell me that everyone liked him but me.
It never occurred to me at the time that he was a different person to outsiders.
Charming, funny, empathetic, people would tell me how lucky I was.., I was brainwashed into thinking it was my fault he was cruel to me and nice to outsiders.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

‘Bout time ya ‘got with the program’, Brit, Sausalito and all y’all. You be such bad, ungrateful spouses for not realizing that they are just sooooooooo nice! (sarcasm!) Barf!!

Yeppers….Page 298 of ‘The Cheater Handbook’…….Freaks!……ALL of them

I have been trying to educate people I know as to the difference between ‘nice’ and ‘kind’ Lots of people thought cheaterpants was sooooo nice….and he was / is. As long as you are not his spouse or child! It still amazes me how many just do not get the difference. Even Ted Bundy could be ‘nice’…….(Yep, I know someone who actually met him once……Said he did ‘Nice’ real well!)

Love Ya all as we all ForgeOn!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Absolutely nice isn’t kind! One lesson learned here too, and I had no idea until the whole cheating thing.
I’ve learned that there are cheaters and chumps everywhere. Now that I tell everyone WHY he’s gone, turns out nearly everyone who is divorced, there was cheating and horrible discoveries for male and female chumps.
I’ve learned that so many people who are divorced because of cheating are afraid to tell, feel forced to “get over it” and only talk freely to other chumps. Start talking to them about how you really feel and you open the floodgates of the nightmare they’ve been through.
I’ve learned that I have great friends in this rural town, that my neighbours like me and are good people, that we are not surrounded by idiots and enemies as the traitor made them out to be.
I’ve learned that I can cope with a huge workload, lack of experience and physical strength and still do well on the farm.
I’ve learned that my body is still my friend. I spent years feeling unwell with the traitor, since he’s gone I’ve been healthier than in the last 9 years. Strange, eh? No UTIs for a start…
I’ve learned that I can be strong and confident, I didn’t know I had it in me, but I do,
I’ve learned that UNM is right, sometimes hope is your worst enemy. I thought I was pessimistic, in fact I can be overoptimistic and refuse to face harsh realities.
I’ve learned that I am my own social capital. The traitor spent years telling me that I had financial capital but no social capital (no family, no kids). Just another way to make me feel deficient because he was jealous I had done so well financially all by myself. He brainwashed me into believing that bullshit when my success was due to my determination and work, my personality, my social capital. He didn’t want me to remember that.
I’ve learned to look at people’s behaviour a lot more closely and I think I am getting better at reading them.
I’ve learned that I am too trusting, after years of being told that I wasn’t trusting enough.
I’ve learned that my beloved mother did something absolutely horrible to my father’s wife and his kids. Far worse than I ever imagined or was able to empathise with until it happened to me. I really don’t know what this would have done to our relationship if she were still alive…
I’ve learned that the last thing I want to see before I die is a dog’s face. I want to always be surrounded by animals, I have found the right place for me farming livestock and being close to nature.
I’ve learned that I want to earn other farmers’ respect for being a good farmer and steward of the land.
I’ve learned I am lucky because I am content with this, it leaves nothing to be desired but the traitor and the whore will NEVER be content.
I’ve lost everyone I loved and survived.

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

kiwi you are damned mighty girl! 🙂

Way to inspire!!! 🙂

ClaireM
ClaireM
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

These are so true! And expanding on #4 – it makes things that used to feel terrifying feel a whole lot less scary. Skydiving? Sure! Rock Climbing? Yes please! Making new friends? I can handle that.

beginningtohope
beginningtohope
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireM

I love this – I had a friend tell me that after her divorce, she would have said yes to someone who asked her to go pet tarantulas because the worst thing that could have happened to her already had. Bring on the tarantulas!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Im gonna jump on Capricorns list since it is so close to what I would write if I weren’t just waking up.

My additions are

1. Some people can lie so well for so long that you have no idea that you are living with a chronic liar.

2. There are people who write books about “Christian Marriage” who either
A) know they are making stupid shit up
or
B) genuinely have no clue how badly disordered some spouses are

3. Sometimes hope is your very worst enemy

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

This^^^^
“Some people can lie so well for so long that you have no idea that you are living with a chronic liar.”

SoonToBeFree
SoonToBeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yes ^
That is such a stunning lesson–that people will flat-out lie with such sincerity and passion.
My counselor told me that there are people who will NEVER admit to doing anything wrong.
Hard lesson, but it explains a lot.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Amen! # 2. I remember in counseling be told to buy a book called, “The Excellent Wife”. What about the excellent husband? Then, I was told I had to change somethings. Yeah, like leave this church #1.

PF
PF
7 years ago

The Fifty Shades of Poop : part two

Getting caught is scary, std’s are not as scary as getting caught

I fucked a village and every time I fart a random dude pops out, taking a dump is scary

I have a lot in common with typist monkeys and swing from branch to branch cuz life is Scary

Judgey people I judge are not evolved if my cheating is not judged as evolved, I like bananas

Shiny things are shiny!!! duh…..

You don’t know me, I’m really really nice, just ask my 1212 facebook friends

Affairs taught me so much, it’s not lying if you omit, overthinking is not healthy…..people who think too much are downers and duh…..

What was I going to say….giggle giggle….I forget,…see how easy it is to not be burdened with over thinking

Fake boobs don’t make me a fake person

Men love me because I’m cheaper than paying for a hooker….I Fuchs them for compliments and connection….i have standards…duh

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

OMG, this is quite scary and hilarious! I hope I never meet this person…

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  PF

Lmao!!! Every time I fart a random dude pops out???

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago

1. “There’s no art to find the mind’s construction in the face.” Shakespeare. People really can be indecipherably good liars and you may NEVER know.

2. Never say “My husband would never cheat.” You do not know what people are capable of–see 1.

3. Moral cowardice is pandemic in our current culture.

4. Victim blaming–it’s a thing. See 3.

5. I deserve birthday presents too.

6. Stop making him look good for other people. Let people face the consequences of their behavior. He doesn’t send Christmas presents? Don’t wrap some of yours with a label saying they’re from him. Let his kids SEE he doesn’t care. It hurts them less in the long run.

7. Always keep a close eye on the finances. Affairs take money. YOUR money. Your mortgage money. Your retirement money. Your kid’s college money.

8. A court order is just a piece of paper. Don’t think that having one ensures anything. Getting it enforced is sometimes nearly impossible and expensive. Consider getting away from Fuckwit your reward.

9.Do not try to “Be friends” with the EX. Find friends that don’t make you cry yourself to sleep at night.

10. Unscrew the dashboard panel of his prized camaro. Slip a little fish behind it. Wait. You may be the only Karma you get. Do not feel bad about this ever–see 1-9.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Love all your list!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Jojobee, you deserve to be celebrated on your birthday and everyday.

We all deserve to be celebrated, especially Chumps.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Thank you. I know I don’t know you–but you saying that was kinder to me than he was in 10 years.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

I remember my STBX standing in the doorway of the bathroom trying to tell me that his serial cheating was my fault, that I had never supported or loved him enough. I said, “I see” and calmly shut the door in his face. I then grabbed his toothbrush from the holder and liberally scrubbed our toilet, especially the “landing pad” where the shit collects. I lost count how many times his brush got dunked, sometimes twice a day, but I really can’t be held accountable for my actions. If only I had been supported and loved enough.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

2nd Gen, ” I lost count how many times his brush got dunked, sometimes twice a day, but I really can’t be held accountable for my actions. If only I had been supported and loved enough.”

IF ONLY I HAD BEEN SUPPORTED AND LOVED ENOUGH!!!!!!

You have me rolling around laughing my head off. Not a good thing lol, because I’ve been sick and my congestion is killing me. But I’m still laughing.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

Hahaha!

Mary beth
Mary beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

This, all of this!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Oh I love your list so much! Especially #10. Bahahahahahaha

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Well, it is a small act that certainly didn’t repay what he did, but it did make me feel less powerless.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

#3, 8 and 10.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

Saw, I think a lot of us learned the hard way that someone who doesn’t mind lying to you certainly doesn’t mind lying to police, judges, child support agency, employers etc. Mr. I work for cash under the table and move every six months (sometimes into the neighboring state) is pretty hard to collect child support. Maintain health insurance what’s that? The $40,000 dollars worth of secret credit card debt I ran up fucking whores, who cares if I was ordered to assume it? Never take my name off the mortgage to the house you signed over and then abandoned leaving a bankruptcy on my credit for seven years, hey what’s your problem Bitch! And yeah the banks, credit card people etc. give fuck all what your court order says.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Hahaha! Number 10!
????

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago

He never found it. I heard through the grapevine he tried to sell it and couldn’t get a taker because it reeked. Odd how that happens…

SheChump
SheChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

omg – I’m SO glad I didn’t read the Fish Idea earlier.
I would have totally unscrewed that, inserted fish – hopefully already dead, in his brand new spendy dandy sports car that SHE loved, apparently.

What’s with old men and sportscars – biggest cliche~

msquags
msquags
7 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

My secret Karma…Before we were separated but after I knew about his affair with a disgusting criminal whore, with a different daddy for each of her babies, all of whom had spent time in jail for various criminal charges…I found out how to make homemade itch powder, and I put it in cheater asshole’s underpants! I have no idea if it worked or not, but it makes me smile every time I think about it.

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago

1. Hurt people hurt people

2. His cheating is not my fault

3. If it looks like a duck and walks like a duck, it’s probably a cheating asshole

4. Many people blame the victim

5. I accepted a lot of unacceptable treatment for a long time and while I don’t fully understand why, I know I won’t allow that anymore in my life

6. Chumps are the kindest, wisest, funniest, honest people I’ve ever “met”

7. I never expected to be at meh but it’s a Real Place and I’m in the suburbs

Roaring
Roaring
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

x’s family had generational incest. He was molested, he in turn molested his sister. His cheating is of the extreme perversion nature.

He is also a selfish, dumb jerk. But everyone in his family is deeply wounded spiritually. It’s not a pass for making decent choices, but it is something I realized when I discovered some of the depth of deception and sickness after D-day.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

X had the nastiest father, who had an even nastier father. He was hurt, and I was stupid enough to think it would end with him.

It didn’t. He hurt me and hurt our sons. Over and over. And still.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

#4 True, but hey, fuck them!

learning
learning
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

this

ItsNotJustMe
ItsNotJustMe
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

YES to #5, all day long!!!

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Not persuaded that these cheaters have the moral or emotional capacity to be hurt. People who do not give one fuck about others hurt people on purpose, without provocation, and without guilt.

Mary beth
Mary beth
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Normal people don’t go around destroying other people’s lives..

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary beth

Right, but “not normal” is not equivalent to “hurt.” We are hurt, but we don’t go around damaging and abusing random people, much less supposed loved ones, because of it. Narcissists are not wounded little victims.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

^^^THIS! They aren’t hurt. Poor sad sausages. They aren’t abused and have low self-esteem. That’s one of the lies they hide behind when they get caught in order to distract us. They think they are GREAT. They don’t get hurt, they hurt. They aren’t abused. They abuse.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

1. That it really is black and white. All or nothing. One way or the other. And that isn’t a bad thing.
2. That I was always too good for him.
3. That some people can rationalize anything.
4. Parallel parenting is the way to go.
5. The kids will be just fine because I am a good enough mom and person to assure that they are.
6. Sisters and friends are amazing.
7. That a lot of our mutual college friends were not surprised that he turned out to be awful.
8. That the sex was, at best, mediocre.
9. That my libido didn’t die.
10. That cheating is normalized a lot and that I don’t have to be a part of that. I’m not going to watch movies and shows about glorified cheaters.
11. That cheating is indicative of a character flaw. I won’t associate with cheaters just like I won’t associate with people who are racist, sexist, or homophobic.
12. That cheating public figures such as politicians have proven themselves to be untrustworthy and I absolutely believe that it affects their ability to do their job with integrity.

ChumpedbyLoser
ChumpedbyLoser
7 years ago

I like #2. We always were too good for them. We just didn’t know it.

Bud
Bud
7 years ago

So many good ones here. The ones that jumped out at me. #1, #4, #4, #4, #4, and #10 – #12. Did I mention I really like #4.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Bud

Bud
Took me a while but yes I believe you did say….??‍♀️

Mary beth
Mary beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Bud

#4—-oh, hell yeah. The rat bastards never do anything wrong. It’s always, always someone else’s (mostly me) fault. They’re perfect, always will be. How he rationalizes three failed marriages is beyond me. Now he’s on number four, with someone young enough to be his daughter. He’s the same person that failed in three marriages. Chances are good for this one. She’ll put up with anything, because when he checks out of life—-there’s going to be a real nice payday. Half as much that it could have been.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago

10-12! So much yes. Brilliant.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

1. Yeah he DID really mean to do that.
2. Never let him near your finances.
3. Let him sink or swim by his own actions – don’t cover for him.
4. You CAN do this.
5. I always knew I was tough – but hey, I’m SCARY tough. This backbone is made of solid steel (who wudda thunk)!

Digbert
Digbert
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

? well said

WhoamInow
WhoamInow
7 years ago

1. Evil really does exist

2. Cheaters, and their apologists, are evil

3. Revamping your entire life after decades of marriage is really hard and sometimes necessary because (see #2)

4. Finding a community of friends to help you through these times is INVALUABLE

5. Working a job you love and earning enough to make ends meet for our kids can help you maintain your sanity and realize you are a good person (no matter what cheaters say about you)

6. If you leave a cheater (and really leave those f##kers in your rear view mirror) you can gain a life

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

For the win!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

Evil really does exist. The number one thing X imprinted on my brain that I will NEVRR forget.

Mary beth
Mary beth
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yes, evil is real. I called my ex Lucifer, in the flesh.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary beth

#1 Agreed!!!!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Yes, I have learned that evil really exists and that I wa really close to it for a very long time and did not see it!

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

Love your list, it says it all!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

1. I learned I have a badass part of me and she’s not only mighty and brave, but she’s strong and could probably beat the crap out of someone if they messed with her kids or those she loved.

2. I’m a nice person, but I’m also angry at times too. And being angry is okay. Being angry doesn’t make you a bad person.

3. I learned how to spell narcissist. I have learned just about everything about NPD and probably could teach a class on it.

4. I learned that God *really* does love me. Like I know it to be true at a heart level. Actions not words. He has shown up so much in the past two plus years. I cannot only give Him the credit and glory for all the small miracles (they were miracles to me) that happened.

5. I learned that evil can be cloaked in “goodness.” Just about everyone who knows my ex thinks he’s such a “nice guy.” To me, he’s a fake, phony and evil person.

6. I learned there are very many good people in the world and they want to help if they can.

7. I learned my exes family never really did love me, even though they said they did all the time. When I stood up for myself for the first time to my fake, lying, manipulating, ex-MIL — they all turned on me. At least I now know who they are too.

8. I learned there’s a blog writer named, Chump Lady. She uses her own money to keep a blog going, because she sees there is a need in the world for her blog. She’s a good person (see #6)).

I could write so much more, but I ditto all of the above.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Right on Martha!

Especially this: 7. I learned my exes family never really did love me, even though they said they did all the time. When I stood up for myself for the first time to my fake, lying, manipulating, ex-MIL — they all turned on me. At least I now know who they are too.

I tried for 18 years to be part of their “family”. “We love you like a daughter! – Love, Mom A. and Dad A” cards and notes. All fake. 3 weeks after a 70 day divorce, they let XH’s “Just-a-friend” stay with them for Thanksgiving. “Mom A.” tells XBILs wife that she called MY house and a MAN answered the phone. Hmm…no man was in my house and not even my dad would answer my phone. Nice projection on behalf of her cheating son.

When I realized they welcomed his whore immediately after our divorce, I sent good ‘ole Mom A. some very honest and critical texts. 18 years worth of anger over her interfering in our marriage (She likened herself to “Marie” on “Everybody Loves Raymond” – except she couldn’t cook and wouldn’t clean – and Marie dressed better!). I was ruthless and mean – but she drew first blood…

Newme
Newme
7 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Yep, my XMIL always did that after 32 year of love you like a daughter, your my daughter, blah, blah. Threw her son out and she never talked to me again. Had dinner with the whore and now best buddies!

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

#4,5,6 and 8 yes yes yes x1000! ??????

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

1. Once a whore always a whore (men & women)
2. Some people lie so well that they even believe it.
3. Jesus cheaters are the worst of the worst.
4. I can survive alone.
5. My kids are amazing and supportive. So sorry they had to watch me almost self-destruct.
6. Do not project my values on someone else.
7. Blood is thicker than right or wrong.
8. My kids are worth the BS I went through to have them.
9. I have grit way beyond what is average.
10. I know that life can be better and I do not have to push myself to love someone unconditionally. Love is my choice I can make every day. It can also have stipulations.
11. No-contact is by far the best step to implement in dealing with these type of people.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

Good list.
I’d submit that closeted gay cheaters (married to unknowing straight spouses) are just as bad, if not worse, than Jesus cheaters, but spot on with this list.
xxoo

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Oh, mine was a real piece of work in that way. He was hiring female prostitutes, but most had very short hair and looked like 10 year old boys.

Then I found Thai ladyboy porn: Male on the bottom, female on the top.

He was too much of a narcissist to admit he liked little boys… to himself or anyone else, so it came out in this way.

He is truly a sad sausage, and a bad example of a human being. At least be what you are, even if that thing is despicable. Don’t hold me captive as a stepford wife! Leave me out of it.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

LNT, yes yes yes

#2 –>I think one of nowdeadcheaters biggest surprises when he got to Purgatory to have his God debrief is that when God told him to go ahead and take off his cheatergoggles and look down at me, he saw (maybe for the very first time) that I am a wonderful gal…not the villain his mind had created to justify every crappy thing he ever did

Mary beth
Mary beth
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

And when he was done with his exit interview with God, he was given a ticket on the express south. Enjoy your forever and ever.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Mary beth

Lmao!!!! ?

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

1. You don’t know a man until you’ve divorced him. I think Zsa Zsa Gabor said that first — but, boy, is it true!

2. When you are young, you don’t fully understand your boundaries. Never again will I put up with life in an emotional desert.

3. I am stronger and happier than I ever gave myself credit for. Cheating taught me that, no doubt. Thank you, cheating!

4. Yes, hurt people hurt people. Profoundly traumatized families produce people who are profoundly traumatized themselves, and take it out angrily on others. Run-of-the-mill fuckedupedness, on the other hand, produces chumps.

5. Walking away from abuse is not failure. Not my job to fix the abuser. Not my job to make it work. Not even “for the sake of the kids.” My job is to care for myself so I can give the kids the best version of myself.

6. I will be blamed for the cheating, or for not knowing about it, or for the marriage itself — by the cheater, by his family, by well-meaning strangers. I can live with that. The cheater, on the other hand, will have to live with what he actually did. Sweet revenge.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
7 years ago

Excellent list. I “know” these things, but too often still need reminders!

WhoamInow
WhoamInow
7 years ago

The cheater, on the other hand, will have to live with what he actually did. Sweet revenge.

Yes + 1000

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  WhoamInow

No, he doesn’t.

All he does is tell himself he doesn’t care. Or you were the problem.

The End.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

1. The things that seemed at first like the core problems of cheating (the sex and betrayal) aren’t the actual core problems of cheating (deceiving a person you profess to love while secretly violating relationship agreements and causing the person harm are indicative of severe untreated illness and the betrayed partner may be in extreme danger.)

2. You will never know the cheater’s entire story.

3. Even when you think there could not be more, there is more story.

4. No amount of love, history, commitment, or desire to protect children is worth this shit.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

You have to come to accept #2 & #3-most cheaters are NEVER going to give you the details & will only admit to what you have tangible proof of. And when you get to meh-you won’t give a shit, you will just be thankful that they are gone.

When things first came crashing down at D-Day, stbx told so many lies even he didn’t know what he was saying! I was initially obsessed with knowing everything…every little horrible detail and he refused to talk. I was the marriage police & it sucked. Thankfully, CL & CN slapped me back into reality that it doesn’t matter how many women or times he cheated-he cheated. I didn’t waste any more time untangling the skein…..I spent my time productively & planned my escape. I’m sure stbx thinks he got one over on me because he was able to get away with it for so long. Now, I couldn’t care less now what stbx did or does-I’m just enjoying the peace & quiet in my life.

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

#2,#3 YES! This shit is like an iceberg. Whatever they admit to is only about 10% of the reality.

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

Your words have meaning. Your actions mean more.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

He came to the house tonight to crap on about the bed because he is moving into a rental on Friday. I had emailed and said he could collect it from the garage when he had paid up his part of the utilities. Didn’t like that so he came over. I told him through the door to leave or I would call the police. Him ‘oh our house is a fortress for the kids rant rant rant.
My jobs on the line and I need of every penny atm. I call the shots now ‘ little miss control’ is what he said in a txt then told me to fuck off, anyways v mails, delete before listening, emails same.
Txt him with my requests ie do this or this doesn’t happen, its the approach he understands as he is disordered and unreasonable, petulant like a spoilt child, then block, nice one way dialogue.
Nearly sorted with his stuff out of the house and my grey rock is working.
Think the rage may be coming soon but I can handle it. 11 days out my hearts busted but I’m angry and can’t stand to even think about that fucker let alone set eyes on him, time and NC but just got to weather the shit storm. Despite being a trooper at work no days off, some fuck ups, I feel like the village outcast and rocks are going to be coming my way soon, thought it would be my refuge but can only think boss has cheater issues in family maybe and he cannot deal with it one bit not one bit of ‘yeah that must suck’ freaks me out. sorry it’s off subject just need to vent in the shit storm.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B
I think you are learning like I did that when CL says it will hurt like a motherfucker, she meant it.
You are/ will be fine considering where you are. I can’t even remember 11 days out. Just a bit blank. Try to carve out some moments of quiet and breathing for yourself. Five minutes here and there adds up. It is what it is. Keep trying to grey rock. Ignore people at work unless they get it. You can deal with that later. Just focus on getting through each day best you can. I discovered that wildlife documentaries were my way to calm down. Watched HOURS of them. Only thing I could watch. Try to eat protein. I ate a billion hard boiled eggs. Felt like it anyway.
It’s just getting through at first. Hugs hugs hugs to you. You are mighty. You can do this. ❤?

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

The only thing I remember is that feeling when you wake up… “Where am I? Oh yeah. I was lied to and betrayed and now I have to find strength to get out of this on my own. *sigh*

In my case, he wouldn’t let me back into our bedroom and when I tried to sneak past him to get in he cried “physical violence!” And called the cops on me to try and have me removed. Thank God the cops have seen this kind of thing before, and actually gave me the option to file a restraining order against him. I’ll never forget the look on his face, and his comment about how 2 of the 3 cops were women, so of course they were going to side with me. What a tool. I tried to duck under him to get into that room and he called the cops on me saying I’d shoved him? Wow. First moment I realized I was dealing with a manipulative nutbag for real.

But, on the advice of my lawyer and the cops, I was relegated out of the master bedroom and into the pokey second bedroom (my lawyer said I could fight him on that but it just wasn’t worth it), where I remained for the next year and a half while fighting for my new life and my financials in the divorce. I had a lock installed on my door.

That teeny room had two small windows. At first it felt like a prison cell. I was trapped in this house trying to avoid him, and all I really had for solace and protection was that 8 x 12 box with a single bed, a desk, a bookcase, and a padlock on the door.

I remember buying small, plastic storage solutions at the dollar shop to fit into small spaces available in that room, to organize my important or frequently used possessions. That room had doubled as an office, so I got a TV Tuner and attached it to the computer. This was a few years ago, and in Australia. The TV tuner didn’t work so well, but between it and my iTunes video library I had the company of a 19″ computer monitor as a TV screen to cry myself asleep to on those lonely, shocking, scary nights while I was trying to detangle the skein of fuckedupness in my head.

Meanwhile, he had a master bedroom with a California King, a flat screen TV, and most of the time would manage to beat me to the living room to watch cable. If I passed by to get some food in the kitchen, he would stare at me blankly as I passed. I felt like I was living with a psychopathic stranger. Which, really, I guess I was.

The big break finally came when a friend got me a month contract job that paid as much in a few months as a year of full time employment would have. This got me out of the house, around people who had nothing to do with him, and kept my mind off the grief to a large extent. My friend was in IT services sales, and I was project managing one of his client’s projects. He spent quite a lot of time schmoozing for new clients and more work from existing clients, so my days and evenings were filled with work, and then accompanying him on sales expeditions at a bar/restaurant near the office. It nearly felt like a social life, and one I’d been deprived of for the whole of my marriage, surrounded by real people, instead of the fuckedupness I’d come to know as normal.

The narc was very confused at first. I could see him peering through the window at me leaving for the bus in work clothes. It was creepy. Of course, he brought it up in court. I had another job. Surely he was entitled to that money. Since it was contract, I played his little game and ran the financials through a friend, so he could never track that money and he ended up with not a single cent of it! Which was good, because it largely went to the lawyer!

And despite having supported us in style for many years, he somehow manipulated the numbers for our company to prove it was worth nothing as an asset for the divorce. He insisted I keep doing the books till we reached financial settlement, so I was doing that in my spare time from the other job. Really, I was so busy most of the time that it left precious little time to feel sorry for myself, which was good.

There was a miraculous flip from hopelessness to hope ( the real kind, not the hopium kind) during this time. I was mighty. I was standing on my own two feet. I was killing it!

That pokey room slowly became my haven. Spring had arrived, and out the little side window, I could smell the jasmine in bloom. Out the tiny, slit window facing the back of the property, I would peek out, see lush, green landscape, and sunlight filtering through the trees. That prison turned into a place I could be at peace. I would wake up ready for work, or on the weekends, ready to go waterskiing on a nearby river with another friend and his family who I had renewed friendship with… an activity I’d done in my youth before I was married to assbucket, and which I proudly embraced and caught up with that youthful feeling again.

I would come home from work at night tired, but calm. I would come home from waterskiing on the weekends, exhausted, but happy and peaceful. I had my own life, and his bullshit could no longer hurt me. Did I mention that this was Australia, and my family and close friends were in the US? I did this all by myself. I had phone support long distance from my parents, but it’s not the same.

Nearing then end of my contract job, I reconnected on Facebook with an acquaintance I’d known in high school who had also been divorced. We were inseparable after that. We spent hours everyday getting to know each other very well before re-meeting in person. The Facebook phone and Skype became our two best friends. I can remember getting threatening e-mails from my ex regarding bandwidth. I was using too much. He was having to pay extra every month to buy extra bandwidth. I thought, “Great! Let the business which has no reportable income for the purposes of the divorce pay for that bandwidth.” I have no idea if he knew I was using that to talk to my new love. But I hope so.

Things didn’t go well for me in court. Despite being able to prove with hard copy evidence all the money he had spent on hookers and 16 year old girlfriends, and money stolen from our bank accounts and taken to other countries to spend on women, even a receipt for a car he’d purchased for an Australian girlfriend, it was a no fault state, and the court didn’t care. In addition, he was trying to say that money his mother had given to us for a down payment on our house was a “loan” and that I had to pay my half back. So his mother, who often told me I was like a daughter to her, who I took care of when she broke her ankle, and her own son wouldn’t cancel one of his (as I now know) prostitute fishing expeditions to Thailand to look after her, was turning her back in me. Typical.

My job, my waterskiing and my new love were all there to distract me, and to remind me I was mighty, and would be OK.

1.5 years after d-day 2 and moving into that pokey bedroom, I left town for the US for Christmas, planning to come back to fight for the divorce financials in the new year. I left with 3 suitcases on the plane, and 2 small boxes I mailed home to the US. That’s it. Once I touched down, I knew it would be detrimental to go back, and I never returned to Australia, but instead chose to fight from overseas. A weaker position, my lawyers told me, but a stronger position in my head, and one I wished I’d done sooner, being back with my family and massive support structure. Six months later, we reached settlement. I got about 42% of the assets that I knew about. It was enough. It turns out he wasn’t fighting for money, but for power. The one thing he could never get his hands on was my car, it was in my name only, and I left it with a friend rather than him when I left town. When I offered him up the car, he agreed to all the other terms. A good lesson, remember sometimes they just want to feel like they’re getting one over on you, especially these narcs.

Grief is a funny thing. I remember the good times and bad in that pokey little room. I remember my mightiness and my weak moments. But every once in awhile, even when things were looking up, I’d sit down on the only little bit of available floor near the door of that room, and just cry uncontrollably for maybe 10 minutes. Then I’d get up and continue about my day as if everything was fine. I believe it was one of the last stages of major grief I experienced. I was learning to respect the grief by crying hard, but also to let it go when I had to get on with life. And it felt good, this process. It helped.

At the time, it felt unpleasant, but the tears were the physical manifestation of all that ick of that 20 year farce of a marriage leaving my body. Every single teardrop was worth it. I learned so much about me. I found myself again.

Now, 3.5 years after d-day 2, I’m back in California with my family and my new love. I have a house, a job, a new life. A genuine life. There is no doubt like there was in that 20 year farce of a marriage. There is happiness and certainty. On those rare moments when I don’t trust my gut or am not being true to myself, I pull back and right that wrong.

Every hard bit of it, every tear, every stress, every moment in that pokey room were all worth it.

Sorry to have gone off topic, but Lady B’s story of the early days after d-day triggered those memories and I hope provide a good example of how things will unfold. At first it’s survival, then it becomes fixing yourself and learning to trust the real you. Then you internalize it until you become you again to the point that you know the chumpy will never be able to happen to you again, but if it did, that you could handle it.

Stay strong, my fellow chumps, you are mightier than you know!

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

Wow, what a story DWM, you deserve all the good things you now have in your life, you are mighty. Thanks for sharing.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  jumper

Why thank you!

Lady B’s post just triggered something in me. Brought me back to a feeling at that time.

I remember knowing that I had to get out, but waking up every day, wondering how I was ever going to get out of that mess. I didn’t quite have Chumplady at the time, although by midway through it, a friend in the US put me onto her, and that helped immensely.

I think it’s important to keep telling these stories of “I was in your shoes and I remember that feeling, and here’s how things went from there. And now I am mighty, and I have a much better life. Trust it will happen for you, too… but it will take some time.”

That’s what that story is meant to reflect.

And in maybe 2 years, I expect to hear Lady B’s story of her great new life too, and how she got out! 🙂

Necessity truly is the mother of invention, and when your hand is finally forced, most of us chumps are well positioned to stand up and fight, and so we do. And then we learn how mighty we really are. Narcissists are no match for Chumps when push comes to shove!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

DancesWithMeh
Thanks for posting that. It was so timely for me too. Today I had plans to go into town and run errands but could feel the sadness and tears heavy inside. So made the decision to go home, cuddle up with the cat and a hot water bottle, crap TV and cry it out. I have learned that if I do that I will be so much better when it passes. The passing gets quicker. Used to be I couldn’t stop crying (or start) then days, now hours.
I’m happy to see the tears now as it is a sign to me I am processing and recovering, I’m not in denial or shut down.
Your story is a fantastic survival one full of guts and courage. You are mighty. Thanks for sharing. ❤

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Yes! Exactly!

When it first happened I spent 36 hours in bed, practically comatose.

Over the next 1.5 years, I would have bouts of crying. They got shorter and shorter, until they got to a point where I would sit down on the floor and cry for about 1 minute, and then stop as abruptly as I started, get up, and go on with my day as if nothing had happened.

Like I said, grief is a funny thing. And oddly enough, it felt like I was able to actually “control” it, but in a productive way, towards the end of that. I would cry intensely for that one minute, it was real and intense, then I would just stop and get on with things. I never knew exactly when it was coming, but I learned to respect it, not to try and throttle it but to just stop what I was doing, cry and then get on with things.

In 2015 once I was back in the US, every couple of months I would have a really sad, depressed, stressful day and question everything. That was almost worse, but it was more about adjusting to some of the hardships and trials of restarting my life in a new country.

Then I got my own house and a job here in the US, and have hardly looked back. Again, been too busy to! One thing this does is makes you appreciate being busy and less prone to wasting your time on unimportant things.

I think now, at long last, the writing has become cathartic. People kept telling me to write, but the words would never come. Just now, at 3.5 years out, the words are finally flowing!

Kara
Kara
7 years ago

1) There is no pain worse than a broken heart. So go ahead and get that tongue piercing you want and fear the needle no more…you can handle it.

2) You know who your real friends are when you are bottoming out, on the floor, and they come to pick you up. Literally.

3) It’s ok to make jokes about your ex.

4) It’s also ok to admit when you miss them.

5) Return to yourself. If you buried a part of your identity to make room for them, dig that shit back up. There’s room for more than one artist in the world.

6) Maybe your next partner will be someone different than you expected, but their willingness to be with you will be both scary and refreshing. Scary because you’re used to feeling like you’re a waste of space, refreshing because you’re not.

Merry Meh-hem
Merry Meh-hem
7 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara: awesome, and so true! My ex hated tattoos; so to celebrate cancer survivorship and flip him off simultaneously, I took that step and have never regretted it. I’ll collect a few more, and leave him to his STD collection. I’m sometimes sad because I always believed the very best about him, and now can readily believe the very worst.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Kara

love this

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara. Love this list. ❤

Kara
Kara
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thanks!

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago

Thanks for sharing all of that horribly won learning, Chump Nation.

I guess what I would say is that I’ve learned to deal with character-disordered people.

I’m nice, and used to be naive. The Jesus Cheaters are the worst, yes, and they are attracted to the faithful (double-meaning intended) like a cat to catnip.

thensome
thensome
7 years ago

These are great. Thank you everyone for sharing.

Mine in no particular order;

1) I’m a lot stronger than I thought I was (much stronger)
2) My mental health is better (so better) since leaving a cheater
3) I can travel happily on my own and enjoy it
4) I’ve learned boundaries and deal-breakers
5) I can make new friendships and learn to let go of others
6) Even if I’m scared I can make it through just fine
7) It’s nice to feel strong and happy again

Strad
Strad
7 years ago

In my post-cheater life, I have found out that I am enough.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Strad

THIS!

In my post cheater life, I have found that I am enough

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
7 years ago

That author was sick in the head, as sociopaths are. Grrrr. This really does stick out:

“I think affairs can be really useful, because let’s face it, life is fucking scary, and it’s hard to make big changes all by yourself.”

BS Translator says “Goody, goody! I’m too much of a chicken shit to tell everyone else that I just kind of went along the whole Wedding>Kids Thing because I didn’t want to seem like The Bad Guy; I didn’t really mean my promises and I didn’t consider that the expectation REALLY IS to be this Nice Guy FOREVER But I’ve *grown* and now I am considering it… and it fills me with dread that I have to keep this charade going forever. So, I’ll do nothing about it and instead tell my ho-worker, who really listens so well and isn’t bad to look at either, about my problems and SHE’LL help me with a plan… because I’m a coward and am incapable of making big, scary changes by myself. “

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

1. If your “partner” says he left you because you valued your dying dog over him, be glad that you did.
2. If your “partner” adds, “and other reasons”, don’t bother asking what they are. His answers will be as fucked as No. 1.
3. I’m my own best friend.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
7 years ago

Best thing I learned….I am not the consolation prize that honor goes to your Pookie. I am First Prize, The Emmy, The Oscar, The Tony, The Grammy, The Pulitzer Prize, The Nobel Peace Prize! You told me I wasn’t for a long time and I believed it but after two months of detox I’m realizing how great I really am! Now get back in line!!!?

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

?

violet
violet
7 years ago

1. Being lonely in a marriage is far worse than being alone. In fact, there are many things worse than being alone. Living with a cheater is one of them. 2. The kids look to you. If you are okay, they will be. 3. Liars lie and cheaters cheat. Do not expect them to change who and what they are. 4. Solitude is not punishment. In fact, it can be positively delightful. 5. Love takes many forms. Romantic love is only one of them. 6. If you do not believe you are deserving of love and respect, no one else will either. 7. We come into this world alone and we leave it alone. What we do in between is what matters.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Beautiful.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet, THANK YOU for that list. <3

I would rather be alone and at peace than married and abused.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Me too. I just want peace in my life!

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

1. I can change the locks in my house in under 45minutes, including the trip to the hardware store.
2. Amputation hurts like a mo, but I’ve got what it takes.
3. I’m really good at keeping composure.
4. Dating at 44 sucks.
5. Who’s who among the people I know.
6. I can take care of business despite my emotional state. See #3.
7. There’s life after divorce.
8. I don’t need to be nice to be polite.
9. My picker is better.
10. It’s not me, it’s you.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Per #1; I never changed the locks. I rescued a dog with aggression issues instead (X was scared to come to the house to pick up more clothes). I’d kind of like X to try coming back to the house; Tramp doesn’t like intruders ; ).

Michael
Michael
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That’s so much more fun! Why didn’t I go that route?

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Oh, I learned #1 too! I felt like such a badass!

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

The dating thing scares me to death. Haven’t dated in almost 30 years. Afraid my picker isn’t fixed enough for that. Good for you for getting out there. That’s AWESOME!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Special, I felt the same way. Guess what? IM SINGLE! Ha, I never pictured myself with anyone else.

It’s just a date, being open to it is the first step.

YoungChump
YoungChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

Don’t feel so bad. Dating at 24 sucks too!

ClaireM
ClaireM
7 years ago
Reply to  YoungChump

I’m 26 and can also confirm this. The shock on people’s faces when you say you’re divorced creates its own set of issues.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireM

Not as young as you ladies but I’m NOT looking forward AT ALL to men. I seriously feel like I got burned so badly I don’t think I’ll ever trust another human being again. Besides the five or whatever I trust now. I’m an emotional wimp and I don’t open up to people for fear of being hurt. Then this happened and now I feel like I’ll probably never open up again! I trusted my STBX with my life ( like all of you did) and he threw me away like a flaming bag of dog shit. It sucks so much!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Hoping and waiting to be treated well is not an effective strategy.

Sometimes you have to start over whether you like it or not.

There are so many good people in the same situation as you.

Family members have no more right to manipulate you than anyone else.

Life is full of joy and beauty whether you take notice of it or not.

Nasty, hateful people will not change just because you want them to do so.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie, hoping and waiting, decades for me and nope it did not work out. Great List!!!!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Love the way you express things Dixie. All spot on of course.
You list made me laugh. I immediately started thinking ‘oh Dixie’s list is charming. Why did I go so orderly and numbered. I’m so controlling and overly organised.’ Hahaha. Sheesh.
I should add to my list 11). Being gentle with ones self is a long process!! Lol.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

LOL. #1 on your list made me laugh. So true!

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Your first point is painfully true. Shudder, now, to think of how long ng I did exactly that. Sigh.

catdance62
catdance62
7 years ago

ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT! (i second-guessed mine for the first time in my life and it was a MISTAKE)

Friends are the best!

Once a cheater, always a cheater. They just get better at hiding it.

Once again: FRIENDS ARE THE BEST!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  catdance62

Yes!!! I’ve learned that I have fought against my gut, my intuition all my life instead of listening to it. No more!

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
7 years ago

I have such a long list of what I’ve learned, but everyone has covered it already – lol! I will say this, which is maybe a small thing, but was a life-changing discovery for me:

Charm is a skill, NOT a character trait.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Yes!! And, charm can be turned off and on.

saw
saw
7 years ago

Charm is a skill not a character trait. Yes!!!

Emm@
Emm@
7 years ago

1.The pain was bad but it was useful cause I really love the person I became
2.Now, I recognize immediately attention seekers and “I-will-make-you-feel- guilty” narcissists
3.I was much more lonely when I was with my ex than not now that I am alone
4.All the things I thought were scary are actually pretty fine. I can deal with that shit easily. I am a bad-ass
5. Nope, I don’t care about what people think about me. I care about what I think about me
6. Discovering that someone you trusted can damage your self esteem and break your heart is bad. Realizing that you can start from scratch and rebuild everything, is awesome
7.I have a five dollars bright pink carpet. I love it and I am considering to buy a furry pillow in the same shade. My house, my life, my rules: I am driving my train and I do not ask for permission
8. There is a huge difference between compromise in an healthy relationship and the pick me dance
9. My guts were right. From now on, I will always trust my guts. They are my friend. They are cool
10. If someone would give me the choice between going back in time, keep living with my ex without knowing of the cheating or going through the pain again but becoming the woman I am today, I have no doubts: I would still choose the pain.

Emm@

jumper
jumper
7 years ago
Reply to  Emm@

Emm@ great list!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Emm@

Buy the pillow!!
❤❤❤

Chumplawyer
Chumplawyer
7 years ago

1. I’m stronger and more resilient than I ever thought possible.
2. I like myself and my life more once I got the strength to move on without him.
3. My 2 children are doing better after seeing they have a mom with the strength to get out of a marriage that was harming the 3 of us.
4. My career skyrocketed once I got rid of my ex, I believe because I became more fearless and willing to say yes to more opportunities.
5. It takes a village and it’s ok to ask for help. It is a sign of strength, not weakness.
6. I didn’t realize and appreciate how much my friends and family loved me until this happened.
7. Always be able to take care of yourself financially. I was fortunate to have a great job and it was still scary to end the marriage, despite what he did.
8. The pain is temporary and though you don’t want it, you will survive it and thrive despite it.
9. Despite currently being single and having some “interesting” dating experiences so far, I do believe there are good men out there and someone will be in my future should I want it.
10. Cheating is an absolute deal breaker for me because the trust and respect is gone. Some things can’t be fixed.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumplawyer

ChumpLawyer, I relate to #4. Surviving a divorce definitely infused me with more courage to tackle things that were too scary before.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago

1. This utterly sucks on every single imaginable level: spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, economic. Only those who have been there really know.
2. Infidelity and divorce are not the romantic perfection Hollywood makes them out to be. (Snort. But true.)
3. My heart can be wounded but is essentially impossible to kill. Although this is part of what made me vulnerable to 34 (holy shit, it’s hard but necessary to acknowledge the reality of that) years of chomping, it is also one of my finer qualities. Never going to lock the heart in a steel box and throw away the key.
4. Despite the deep damage, which may take the rest of this lifetime to heal, and despite the scars that will always remain, I have strength and a capacity for joy that I never fully appreciated before. Almost every single day of this whole tragic mess, something has delighted me: certain configurations of clouds, silliness with kids, coyotes sounding in the night, church bells in the distance–millions of things large and small. This quality saw me through a rough childhood, and it will see me through this. Grateful for it.
5. Moving on is not at all a linear process. I have moments of resolve, pain, joy, anxiety, energy, fatigue. That will last for awhile, and that’s okay.
6. He cannot change. This is harsh but freeing.
7. Feelings about the other woman are complicated, because that’s how it is for decent people. She’s a slut, because there’s nothing mysterious at all about the wedding ring, the children, the wife she interacted with many times, but she’s also the latest in a long series of chumps. My feelings about her run the gamut from “eat dirt and die, whore” to a somewhat compassionate “careful what you wish for, kid.”
8. Being cast in the role of the enemy really and truly rankles, but there’s nothing for it but to let go. I was there. I know what happened. That’s all I can control.
9. “Mindrape” is a more accurate term than “mindfuck.” Against my will, scary as hell, not pleasurable, traumatizing. Best to call things by their true names.
10. The trek to Tuesday sometimes seems like a hands and knees crawl across burning desert sand toward a total mirage of freedom that promises no shade, no water, no respite. But Tuesday lives in me, always has, so I will carry on.

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

“1. This utterly sucks on every single imaginable level: spiritual, physical, mental, emotional, social, economic. Only those who have been there really know.
2. Infidelity and divorce are not the romantic perfection Hollywood makes them out to be. (Snort. But true.)
3. My heart can be wounded but is essentially impossible to kill. Although this is part of what made me vulnerable to 34 (holy shit, it’s hard but necessary to acknowledge the reality of that) years of chomping, it is also one of my finer qualities. Never going to lock the heart in a steel box and throw away the key.
4. Despite the deep damage, which may take the rest of this lifetime to heal, and despite the scars that will always remain, I have strength and a capacity for joy that I never fully appreciated before. Almost every single day of this whole tragic mess, something has delighted me: certain configurations of clouds, silliness with kids, coyotes sounding in the night, church bells in the distance–millions of things large and small. This quality saw me through a rough childhood, and it will see me through this. Grateful for it.
5. Moving on is not at all a linear process. I have moments of resolve, pain, joy, anxiety, energy, fatigue. That will last for awhile, and that’s okay.
6. He cannot change. This is harsh but freeing.
7. Feelings about the other woman are complicated, because that’s how it is for decent people. She’s a slut, because there’s nothing mysterious at all about the wedding ring, the children, the wife she interacted with many times, but she’s also the latest in a long series of chumps. My feelings about her run the gamut from “eat dirt and die, whore” to a somewhat compassionate “careful what you wish for, kid.”
8. Being cast in the role of the enemy really and truly rankles, but there’s nothing for it but to let go. I was there. I know what happened. That’s all I can control.
9. “Mindrape” is a more accurate term than “mindfuck.” Against my will, scary as hell, not pleasurable, traumatizing. Best to call things by their true names.
10. The trek to Tuesday sometimes seems like a hands and knees crawl across burning desert sand toward a total mirage of freedom that promises no shade, no water, no respite. But Tuesday lives in me, always has, so I will carry on.”

This list -yes. (All the others are great too)
I learnt too how intensely the body can react to betrayal. My doctor and psychologist said that I had physical trauma reactions (along with the emotional and mental trauma).
Still dealing but getting better.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Bravo! #4 speaks to me as well.

PuraVida
PuraVida
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Love this list.

blondebarrister
blondebarrister
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

This is fantastic chumpionsahm!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Love #4!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Add me in for #4, too!!!?

logo65
logo65
7 years ago

1) if someone wants you to change to be deserving of their love ( thinner, sexier, etc) – they will never love you nor are they capable
2) you are enough, just as you are, right now (thanks Brene brown!)
3)happiness is a choice, one that you make for yourself and comes from within
4)being alone is so much better than being lonely in a couple
5) the karma bus sometimes misses and ex’s can live happy lives, so make sure you are content in your own

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  logo65

Perfection!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  logo65

Absolute truth here: “being alone is so much better than being lonely in a couple”

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yes!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

Quick list:

1. Not everyone can be redeemed. Redemption is an internal process, and I am an external influence.

2. I am loved by people worth loving even when I am so emotionally broken and financially broke that I feel I have have nothing to offer.

3. Little red flags add up to big character flaws. Lack of remorse and accountability is always a major problem even if it only appears in small increments or insignificant places.

4. I have been surprised by both the capacity of my forgiveness and the depth of my rage when they are deserved.

5. I have narcissist radar now. I can spot one at a mile away. They are remarkably alike.

6. I am now grateful for receiving, because I finally feel worthy of it.

7. I matter. A lot. So do my principles. They are inexorable connected.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

#5!!! I am so glad I have my narc radar now as well!!!!

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Solid list, Free Vixen! I especially appreciate #2 and #3. It seems those lessons are easy for me to forget (even if I’m not broke anymore!)

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

So smart. Oh, how I wish I had known all of this and all of you many years ago.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

You and me both!

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

1. Sometimes you can do everything right – taking your time and not rushing into the relationship, marrying your best friend, etc. and it still turns out wrong.
2. Forgiving yourself for picking the wrong partner and wrong parent for your children is critical to moving forward in your life. Understand that you did the best you could with the information you had.
3. The character disordered are capable of fooling everyone for years, decades even. Don’t beat yourself up for falling for it – a lot of other people did too. See no. 2 above.
4. Trust your gut instincts. When that little niggling voice inside is telling you something is wrong believe it no matter what your heart believes.
5. You are stronger than you ever believed yourself to be.
6. You will never again let someone else define who you are as a person, a parent or a partner.
7. Sex is really fantastic with someone who is present with you in the moment. [How sad it would’ve been to go through life without know that.]
8. Staying with the cheater “for the kids”can do an incredible amount of harm to the children you are trying to protect.
9. Life is SO MUCH BETTER without a cheater. Your mental, physical, financial and emotional health will improve so much you will hardly recognize your new self.
10. Once you survive what you once thought was an impossible amount of pain and heartache, you will never fear walking away from a toxic relationship again.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

This is a great list-
#2 is the one that really stands out for me. Stbx was polar opposite of everyone I had dated before and I thought that made him safe. Yes, I loved him when we married but he had everyone convinced he loved me so much more-even me. And then the truth came out-he never loved me & had played me all along. He rarely was there for me or our son for the first few years & now wants to be Disneyland dad. I just hope one day when my little boy is older he will see who the sane/stable parent really was.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

I’m betting on your boy figuring it out CC. I feel very fortunate that my kids were already adults when DDay #2 happened. My daughter already had her dad’s number so it was a no brainer for her to figure out who was the sane parent and my son, who had hero worshiped his dad got a rude awakening when he accidentally walked in on his dad moving his stripper girlfriend into his house – the gf who’s existence he had vehemently denied on many occasions. Oops.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Wow, CurrentChump, this is so much like what I thought I had found with the traitor! “Stbx was polar opposite of everyone I had dated before and I thought that made him safe. Yes, I loved him when we married but he had everyone convinced he loved me so much more-even me. And then the truth came out-he never loved me & had played me all along.”

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

This list is excellent, Beth! #9 is so true, all of your list actually!!!! It is so true that just because you take your time getting to know someone doesn’t guarantee that they are not disordered, they just had the ability to keep the mask on longer.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

NME, you are so right about the mask. What’s ironic in my case is that my family saw that my ex’s mother was severely character disordered (although we just referred to her as bat shit crazy, not disordered) and we were all so relieved that Ex had escaped all that damage unscathed. WRONG. He just learned to hide it better than his mom did. He fooled everyone – my parents, my brother, my grandparents, all of our friends, etc. so I give myself a pass for falling for it too. People STILL tell me, that they can’t believe how thoroughly he fooled everyone into believing he was a stand up guy. Luckily for me, he gave up the mask when I filed for divorce. That he lives with a stripper, has no contact with his grown children, and his only daughter changed her last name to my maiden name so as not to be associated with him pretty much says it all. I don’t have to say a word anymore.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I agree with everything on your list, Beth!

Survivor
Survivor
7 years ago

I learned that anger can be my friend. I also learned that there is no need for revenge. Life will take care of cheating assholes in due time.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago

Mine’s simple. There are really scary monsters in this world, and they’re not under the bed. She was in it right next to me the whole time. I will know better where to look next time.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Like the worst horror flick ever. Be gone, monster.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago

1. I am resilient.

2. A cheating spouse is a liar, a coward, and a thief. Cheaters know all the angles and believe they are just in their deceptive actions. Once you know the truth, don’t believe their empty promises.

3. You find out who your true friends are when you are raked over the coals by a cheater. Keep your tribe of supporters close!

4. Emotional abuse is a serious problem that is not widely addressed in society.

5. Once you commit to freeing yourself, don’t look back. Focus on moving forward and making positive changes. It is totally worth it!

6. It’s never too late to start over. If you put your mind to it, you can work past your fears and overcome obstacles.

Glinda
Glinda
7 years ago

OK, if you haven’t seen Deadpool but planned on it, spoiler alert. What I learned? I can be a superhero for 4 or 5 moments. After that, I am done. NC stops the abuse and the droning and narcs abuse and drone too much.

[Deadpool is about to shoot Ajax]

Colossus: Wade! Four or five moments.

Deadpool: Sorry?

Colossus: Four or five moments – that’s all it takes to become a hero. Everyone thinks it’s a full-time job. Wake up a hero. Brush your teeth a hero. Go to work a hero. Not true. Over a lifetime there are only four or five moments that really matter. Moments when you’re offered a choice to make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend – spare an enemy. In these moments everything else falls away…

Colossus: [Deadpool gets bored and shoots Ajax in the head, killing him]

[vomits humourously]

Colossus: Really? Was that necessary?

Deadpool: You were droning on.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Glinda

Love Deadpool!

HateThyNeighbor
HateThyNeighbor
7 years ago

I learned:

1) My instincts are valid and I shouldn’t just assume I’m paranoid
2) That I deserve be taken care of, not just be the caretaker
3) That hell yeah I’m an awesome Dad and it’s not cool to overlook that
4) That I have the best friends a dude could ask for
5) That deep down I’m actually an optimist — not sure what the future holds, but it’ll be good!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

HateTN
I like number 5. I always thought and described myself as an optimistic pessimist. Now I’ve inched forward to being pessimistic optimist…
Honestly I thought this would drive me deeper down but in a strange way I do feel happier (even through the grief).

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

#1 resonates with me! I guess we learn to trust ourselves more and other people less.

Living Well Best Revenge
Living Well Best Revenge
7 years ago

1) That I’m so much stronger than I knew I was
2) That if something doesn’t feel right, I should never be afraid to question the perpetrator
3) That I should pay attention to a person’s actions, not just his words
4) That I should value myself and not be so afraid of being lonely that I ignore RED FLAGS for fear of losing the person and being alone
5) To build boundaries!!!
6) That I’m able to make HUGE positive changes in my life on short notice
7) That I can’t control the others, only myself and the way I think about and react to things
8) That I’m a SUPER MOM!!
9) How to navigate the US education system and get my child into a good public school even though I wasn’t born here
10) That I CAN, I WILL and I MUST GAIN A LIFE!!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

Living well, I love #6!

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Along with my X, I lived with Satan.

1) Evil is real.

2) I learned who were my friends are.

3) I learned to trust my intuition.

4) Actions speak louder than words.

5) Justice isn’t always served in family court.

6) There are people who don’t have a conscious.

7) People blame the victim.

8) I learned the person I married never existed.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit, #8 is what keeps me going.

A “friend” told me you picked him to be your kids father, yes I did, I picked him due to the “facts” that he told me when we married, I did not “pick” this thing that he ended up being.

Onward_chump
Onward_chump
7 years ago

This one. I AM FUCKING FORCE TO BE RECKONED WITH.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Onward_chump

YES!!!!!!!!!!

CrazyDogLady
CrazyDogLady
7 years ago

I learned:

1. When people say: “It felt like the ground fell away from under my feet”, I thought that was a saying. I didn’t know that it was an actual feeling.
2. I’m stronger than I thought I was.
3. But even I need a break.
4. Trust your instincts. I see others picked this one. But do so. 100%
5. Friends will come from different places. A lady that was a friend via another friend, started calling me out of the blue. And now we chat regularly. Another friend developed from my son’s school. She was really important in getting my divorce done. And the last friend, she came from work. We’re both divorced and get along really well.
6. Some friends will distance themselves a bit, and that’s ok. During the divorce, information about the lies my ex had been telling came out. And it was a bit much for some people, especially his “best friend” the past 20 years. I understand she needs some space right now.
7. A new dynamic will develop. And it’ll be ok.
8. Don’t be ashamed to seek help, mental help, medical help, anything that’ll help you.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  CrazyDogLady

CrazyDL

I liked your list. Big yes to number 1. I also discovered that vomiting from trauma is real and not a movie thing. The nuance with friends is a good thought too. And so yes to 8. ❤