Man Faked Death to Leave His Wife for Schmoopie
Ryan Borgwardt, who faked his death to leave his wife for his online Russian girlfriend, got 89 days in jail for the deception. The Friday Challenge is the length cheaters will go to lie to everyone.
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Ryan Borgwardt, a Wisconsin man with a name like a venereal disease, was so desperate to shed the crushing bonds of married dad life, he faked his death, pretending to drown in a kayak accident. While his wife and children mourned him, he was shacking up with his online Russian girlfriend and moved overseas to assume a new identity.
FW regrets
The New York Times reports (gift link):
Mark T. Slate, a circuit court judge in Green Lake County, handed down the sentence moments after the man, Ryan Borgwardt, 45, pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge for having led the authorities to believe that he had drowned while kayaking in Green Lake on the night of Aug. 11, 2024.
Mr. Borgwardt had faced up to nine months in jail. He had reached an agreement with prosecutors to serve 45 days, but Judge Slate rejected that agreement and imposed the 89-day sentence instead.
Last week, Mr. Borgwardt also paid $30,000 in restitution for the cost of the search for his body in Green Lake, which lasted for 58 days and involved boats with sonar scanners and a dive team. In brief remarks in court on Tuesday, he expressed remorse for his act of deception.
“I deeply regret the actions that I did that night and all the pain that I caused my family and friends,” Mr. Borgwardt said.
I’m sure they deeply regret finding you, now that they know the truth.
Does $30K really cover the cost of an 89-day manhunt? Wouldn’t a more fitting punishment be using Ryan Borgwardt to dragoon Green Lake? Deeply? During ice fishing season? For 89 days?
Ryan was not meant for ‘everyday life’.
The Green Lake County district attorney, Gerise LaSpisa, said that Mr. Borgwardt had faked his death “so that he could disappear from his everyday life of being a husband and father in Wisconsin” and travel overseas to meet a woman he had met online months earlier.
Ryan Borgwardt is an international man of mystery. He’s not a drab Midwesterner eating noodle hot dishes, taking the kids to hockey practice. No. He’s an enigma with a fuckbuddy.
As part of his plan, he transferred money overseas and regularly communicated with the woman, “professing his love and desire to create a new life with her,” Ms. LaSpisa said in court on Tuesday. He reversed his vasectomy and researched ways to successfully disappear, she said.
Ryan was catfished so he could eat new hot dishes and take the new kids to hockey practice in Russia.
Dude, you forgot your laptop.
The authorities spent weeks searching the lake for his body before a digital forensic analysis of a laptop his wife had given to investigators revealed in October 2024 that Mr. Borgwardt had moved money into a foreign bank account and had been communicating with a woman online.
Using phone numbers and email addresses found on the laptop, investigators located a Russian-speaking woman, who put them in contact with Mr. Borgwardt, the authorities said last year. Investigators began communicating with Mr. Borgwardt and eventually persuaded him to return to Wisconsin, where he was charged in December with a single misdemeanor of obstructing law enforcement.
As criminal masterminds go, Ryan Borgwardt doesn’t appear to be the sharpest tool in the shed. Seriously, Ryan? You forgot your laptop?
Regardless of the outcome of the criminal case, Ms. LaSpisa said, “the destruction to his family can never be undone.”
I want to know if the state of Wisconsin gets $30K, can Mrs. Borgwardt get what Ryan spent on a Russian catfisher back in the divorce?
Ryan wants to make amends.
Borgwardt’s lawyer wants us to know that Ryan deserves a bitch cookie because he came back to the U.S. voluntarily. I suspect, however, that life in Russian Georgia was not the Twu Wuv Shangri-la he expected. He probably discovered he wasn’t the only soul mate. Worse, he had to get a job. In a non-English speaking country. In a land without any cheese or Milwaukee Brewers games. Or chumpy wife appliances.
Mr. Borgwardt’s lawyer, Erik C. Johnson, noted in court that his client could not have been extradited from Georgia on the misdemeanor charge.
“He didn’t want to come back,” Mr. Johnson said. “He didn’t need to come back — he did –he wanted to make amends, and that’s why he returned.”
I think the new life sucked for Ryan. And as a man who faked his death to leave his wife, Ryan is quite adept at extricating himself from situations. But let’s commend him for his bravery coming home to face the cruel, cruel judgment of a misdemeanor charge.
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The Friday Challenge is to share your thoughts on Ryan or the lengths to which cheaters will go to deceive.
I saw this. Dude, if you’re done with the marriage, give your wife and kids a decent divorce and avoid jail time. Now everyone’s life is wrecked, and the divorce trial will be just an ugly add-on to your stupid choices. I do hope his wife will pull the plug and not try a salvage operation.
One of my favorite sayings from my wonderful attorney, “Be an own up, show up person, and you will come out just fine.”
My ex didn’t do this, but the grown, retired man ran off to another state for separation #2. He claimed that it would “save” our marriage when talking to his family, but I knew the truth. My husband was reinventing himself as a single man. I was wavery, but deep down, I knew it was over. Partners who run don’t care about you.
Mrs. B, ditch this dumpster fire and go on to better things.
She filed for divorce as soon as he was found.
YAY!! Haha I love this story. Have a great long weekend everybody this was hilarious although I’m sure not for her. It will probably take a while before she can laugh. Who knows God bless her.
Excellent!
Good for her. With him in jail, the law is on her side.
My former church would say, “God can fix anything.” Yes, and like David fleeing Saul, sometimes we need to get away from the crazy.
Elsie,Yes yes yes!! My own pastor was not equipped to support me in any way, but God put a pastor from another denomination in his place. I wrote out my whole story and outlined how forgiveness does not include zero boundaries and allowing a lying cheater back into my bed. Forgiveness does not include reconnection to unsafe people and it definitely does not include no repentance or amends or heart changes. This outside my church pastor GOT ME and now understands more about what forgiveness is and is not. I was heard and it was truly healing
Good to hear. Yes, my current church gets it too.
I’ve been active in a twelve-step group for years now (my ex was an addict on top of all the mess), and that’s where I learned the different aspects of true forgiveness versus what people normally think. It’s OK if forgiveness is letting go and putting up a wall to keep someone out.
My old church got us through the early part of our mess and then barely came around after my divorce was final. They told me that I wasn’t responsible because he filed for divorce. I didn’t quite get that thinking for a while because indeed my refusal to reconcile was a factor, and I signed the various legal documents saying that the marriage was “irretrievably broken.” I owned some fraction of the end, in my mind, at least.
Then it hit me. They didn’t see me as a responsible woman with my own thoughts and feelings. So I left.
Good for you. Trust yourself
The day the World Trade Center buildings collapsed, my Cheater said to me “There will be men who walk out of there and just disappear” alluding that it was a chance of a lifetime which he rather envied.
I’ve wondered if anyone did that. Probably not, or at least not successfully, but it would be a good plot for a thriller.
Let’s not forget all the firemen and police officers who ditched their own wives and families to play savior to 9/11 widows ! Fuckwits !
That’s a crazy thing to say – and a sign of massive oversimplification.
Disappearing is hard to do.
You need access to various forms of ID and cash to travel any distance and start a new life. The trade-off is that all of those things leave traces to be followed.
Once the police were reasonably certain he wasn’t in the lake, they found lots of evidence he had planned to disappear.
When I was married to my first X, my brother- in -law walked out on my sister and left her pregnant and with an adorable 4 year old son. He then moved across the country to his pastors wife lover. My then husband said and I quote…” isn’t it better to just leave your family than to shoot them all in their home???? 2 years later, he did exactly the same thing. Left me pregnant with a 6 year old son right there.
This is not love.
Ah yes, I remember you mentioning that story before, and it… baffles me each time.
The two genders, abandonment and family annihilation! (sarcasm)
Are they truly that confused by a simple divorce? If you genuinely just want to up and leave, wouldn’t divorce be so much easier? “I want some of my things and my car, I’m leaving everything else to my spouse,” etc.
It stuns the mind..to be honest rather than go underground. I didn’t get hints either..or didn’t want to. My skein
That is so horrifying. I think they see it as some big favor we should be grateful for but they don’t understand that to normal people, it’s horrifying that was an option to them.
My god. To even think that is really, really weird.
Not just weird – terrifying. He was openly admitting he’d thought about murdering his family.
That is such a fucked up thing to say
I remember some of that in the media. The same was said of the Pentagon at the time. Five were never identified.
Some may choose not to be found…
Klootzak was in the Pentagon when it was hit. He was in a meeting with plenty of others who saw him still alive. It happened while we were dating. He couldn’t just disappear or maybe he would have. He was not yet shackled to the dreary bonds of marriage so maybe that’s why he didn’t run.
This is the most FW-ty thing I have seen in quite some time. CL hits it out of the park again!
I’m sure that Mr Borgwardt will see himself as the real victim here …. I mean fancy going to all of that effort to free yourself from your responsibilities at home, only to find out that your new life didn’t quite work out as you thought it would, and that you would have to come home and face [shudders] consequences.
Cheaters are, in my humble experience, mind-numbingly stupid.
LFTT
PS – if there were any justice in the world, his Ex-Wife and children would be allowed to keep any life insurance paid out and he would have to pay back the insurance company.
Amen!!
I’m hopeful that the real reason they yanked him back was so he can pay back all he owes to the police and to his spouse. His attorney saying he didn’t want to come back is particularly disgusting. That should actually have worked against him. He doubled down on his decision to break the law saying he didn’t want to come face the consequences. I mean, really! Wish the judge had sentenced him to more.
Yes it was- wtf- why would you say that??? I read that line over a few times wondering if it was a typo
The courts are too lenient on FWs in general. Just imagine how much better the world would be if they were held accountable to the fullest extent of the law.
IKR. Sigh. A girl can dream.
My ex warned me that if I took him to court he would make sure I got nothing. After I won my court case (he didn’t even show up), he went missing after a boating “accident.” No one has seen him in years. I know it’s not an accident because of all the lead up to his disappearance: Draining his 401K, starting to go by a new nickname, paying for everything in cash, etc. People say I should go on Dateline or something but I honestly don’t want to find him at this point. Yes I would like the money he owes me, but my life is more peaceful and less stressful since he’s been gone.
Good for you for letting go and moving on. I would understand finding him for the money, but I think it’s excellent that you just moved on.
Wow! There are more of these death faking FWs out there, apparently.
Yeah honestly I know it probably didn’t feel this way at first, but this outcome is as good as it gets with these people.
I haven’t heard from my ex in several years, nor have my adult kids.
Someday, I hope for the hard close, but I could completely see my ex doing this as well. He actually talked about knowing how to disappear and not be found…
These fantasists never read the fine print– like how people in Witness Protection programs have a fifty-fold elevated suicide rate.
In the video that Borgwardt reportedly sent from the dingy hallway of his former Eastern Bloc hideaway, he looks slumped and haggard and his voice sounds weirdly husky like he’s in poor health and basically landed in hell.
Living the dream, eh? Apparently he voluntarily sent the video on the belief that investigators were actually checking on him out of “concern” because he keeps assuring that he’s “okay.”
I think it indicates that his next delusion was that the family and first responder community he fucked over would rescue him from his last delusion.
He’s absolutely delusional. He thought it was easier to fake his own death and move overseas than do a clean divorce? Really??
I realize he doesn’t give a damn about his wife and children, but even a narcissist has to realize he’d be insane to walk away from his assets and entire network in his home country, in exchange for a lower quality of life elsewhere. I can’t imagine his mistress is wealthy and eager to spend on him.
Did he think he’d spend the rest of his life having sex with some hot stranger in her apartment, no need to get a job??
Yep, one big fantasy. That’s how they think. And once their money is gone… From what I read previously he is also now broke.
Wow. That high in witness protection programs? So, you really can’t just start over somewhere new and have everything all right? I can think of so many applications of that truth.
Yes, there’s a lot of delusion in general among FW’s, but this dude is extreme. Wow, so your impulsive dream didn’t work out? And now everyone has to get back in place as if it never happened. Life doesn’t work that way. My prediction, given that this due was a Jesus cheater, is that he will push that at some point, saying that he’s now “right with God” and deserves his family again. No, he doesn’t.
I wasn’t privy to all of my ex’s delusions, but his attorney called him “my delusional client” among other monikers in emails to mine. One point he claimed he was being a nuisance because he was “just looking out for poor Elsie.” Both attorneys reportedly joked about that.
I was stressed out of my mind when I studied abroad in college… and that was only for a semester, in a foreign country where I already spoke the language.
I can’t imagine how hard it is for immigrants, especially folks who can’t go home and can’t keep in touch with their old life at all.
The fact this guy CHOSE this and thought it’d be a cakewalk shows how delusional he is.
That because he was following his d#*k!
I think the last time data like this was collected from Witness Protection participants was in the 80s. I assume they stopped collecting and publishing the data for fear the reality of the program would discourage people from turning state’s witness. Or maybe the experience is slightly less demoralizing in the age of the internet but that’s just distraction in purgatory.
It’s so depressing seeing the year old social media updates on the search and recovery operation and imagining Borgwardt reading the same things and thrilling over his own centrality while his wife and kids wept themselves sick.
October 8: still no news. Please lift up Emily, Jeremiah, Levi and Norah in prayer as they are still and know.
Update 9/19: Still no news on Ryan. Bruce’s Legacy volunteers continue to search the lake. Yesterday, Emily posted this on her own page: “While I will never understand why God had to take Ryan home way sooner than I would have liked, I will be forever at peace knowing that he’s enjoying heaven with his Savior.” Please continue to pray for God’s comfort and strength as this family begins to plan a life without Ryan here with them.
Update 8/26: The search continues. See the Green Lake Sheriff’s report from this morning in the comments to this post.
Update 8/14: 𝗠𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗔𝗜-𝗴𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗳𝗮𝗸𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝘄𝘀 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘀𝗰𝗮𝗺 𝘀𝗶𝘁𝗲𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗮𝗿. 𝗣𝗹𝗲𝗮𝘀𝗲 𝗶𝗴𝗻𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗰𝗲𝗿𝘁𝗮𝗶𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝗰𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗸! 𝗔 𝗰𝗹𝗼𝘀𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝘀𝗼𝘂𝗿𝗰𝗲 𝗵𝗮𝘀 𝘁𝗼𝗹𝗱 𝗟𝗟 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗘𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗯𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗶𝗿𝘀𝘁 𝗰𝗮𝗹𝗹𝗲𝗱 𝘄𝗶𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗻𝘆 𝗻𝗲𝘄𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘄𝗲 𝘄𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗵𝗲𝗮𝗿 𝘀𝗼𝗼𝗻 𝗮𝗳𝘁𝗲𝗿 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝘂𝗽𝗱𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘁. 𝗔 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗯𝗶𝗻𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗼𝗳 𝗱𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗿, 𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗻𝗲𝘀, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗗𝗡𝗥 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗽𝗼𝗹𝗶𝗰𝗲 𝘁𝗲𝗮𝗺𝘀 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘀𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗰𝗵 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗥𝘆𝗮𝗻. 𝗔𝗯𝗼𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗹𝗹, 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝘂𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗘𝗺𝗶𝗹𝘆, 𝗝𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗺𝗶𝗮𝗵, 𝗟𝗲𝘃𝗶, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗡𝗼𝗿𝗮𝗵 𝗶𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗽𝗿𝗮𝘆𝗲𝗿𝘀. 𝗕𝗲 𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗹𝗹 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗸𝗻𝗼𝘄.
Please pray for Ryan to be found safe and for strength for his wife, Emily, and children Jeremiah (senior), Levi (incoming freshman), and Norah (at TSL).
Oh, boy. Somehow this makes me sad(der) for her. It doesn’t sound like the kind of church that will support her and her kids in leveling consequences.
Maybe, since she did file for divorce immediately, she is supported properly. I hope she has some sane people to talk to.
I suspect Emily has support in dumping him because he humiliated the whole town.
Imagine being those kids. They’re tweens — minors, but old enough to know what he did. Your dad “didn’t want to come back,” but in the same breath is using the word “amends.” There are no amends for what he did to his kids, except to stay far away from them. It’s monstrous, truly, to con your children into processing the shocking death of a parent.
And I really want to know where he’s getting the $30k to pay back. From marital assets? From his kids’ 529 plans? From the 401k that his wife should have enjoyed in their retirement? Where!?
My guess is he leeched family assets and his kids’ college funds to invest in crypto for years without his wife’s full knowledge or consent until he stockpiled enough to launch his fantasy life.
Apparently this often starts as a way for douchebags to keep Only Fans, hooker expenditures or contraband drug purchases secret. Except you can’t really keep anything secret these days. Maybe the typical delusional FW assumption that they’re smarter than everyone else blinds them to the fact that forensic financial analysts figured out how to trace these supposedly untraceable assets quite a few years ago.
That’s what I was thinking. How AWFUL to be a kid and know that your father didn’t want you so much that he went to such lengths to get away from you!
It’s gotta be hard on his chumped wife, as we in Chump Nation know more than most, but to think that children with still-developing brains have had to go through this nightmare reality – gah! Trying to connect with and attach to our parents is so deeply primal. And this dude rejected his kids in a horrific way.
This exactly why I said it’s better for his kids if he stayed dead. At least they’d get sympathy for dad dying young, instead of notoriety and public embarrassment on top of the trauma. They have an unusual last name too
And of course he will share parenting time with them. The court will say it is in the kids’ best interests after he caused them to believe he was DEAD. Can you imagine the therapy they must need after that mindfuck? And when they don’t like him very much he will go to court alleging the chump alienated them from him.
” share parenting time with them… court will say it is in the kids’ best interests…” No f*king way!
True oh my god ffed up
Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrgh!
I suspect the fact that he burned his church community, local first responders and the whole law enforcement community in such a public way will lower the odds anyone will buy his “alienation” claims and may nix custody.
Ugh!!!
I think the mother requested full legal custody and full physical placement without visitation when she filed for divorce. I hope she has a great attorney and gets everything plus some. Wisconsin courts are notoriously pro-father, even in documented cases of abuse, neglect, drug addiction, and mental illness, etc The fact that he got off with the mildest slap on the wrist by the courts for this doesn’t give much hope.
Appreciate the Wisconsin jokes here.
Men get tired of their wives and children and discard them. It happens All. The. Time. Somehow it’s taboo to say so, though. Nobody tells women getting married that there is a good chance they will be chucked a decade or two down the line, and that their husbands will take the bulk of their wealth with them and leave them struggling. Marriage is a systemic hoax by society on women and children. All that “romantic love”, “they lived happily ever after” and “daddy” brainwashing. The truth is, your position as a woman and mother is perilous, conditional, and temporary, and your children have no guarantee of being looked after by their fathers.
And people wonder why I didn’t want to marry or have children. I figured out in my late 20s that if I had any children, I needed to be prepared to support them myself. Because I knew several divorced women with children who received no child support.
Yes yes yes. I am 30 and trying to impart this message on my female peers as they enter marriages and have children. You always need to make and have your own money.
I certainly hope this is not being normalized so FW can be let off the hook because it happens “all the time”.
Expect more. Demand more. Don’t breed with a FW.
And that is why every woman needs an income of her own. Which thankfully my own mother (who earned a teaching certificate after she had two kids and her husband had attempted suicide) drilled into me from the time I was able to absorb the lesson.
I really wish I had been told that. Starting over this late in life, after being a SAHM for decades is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.
Me too- still stumbling a bit . Worst decision I made even if my sons are grateful for all the time I spent with them
I drilled this into my own daughter too. Every single moment. She has an executive job but I still remind her she can leave too
I think a female Youtuber once pointed out that marriage is one of the most consequential contracts one can enter into, yet people who are getting married are often more concerned with organizing their wedding than with the terms of said contract. I think this is generally much more dangerous for women due to patriarchal traditions, but it can apply to men as well. It is therefore quite ridiculous when FW claim that marriage is a “prison” (it is a contract they entered into voluntarily), but the faithful party also needs to be aware of what may happen to them years or decades later, sadly.
Family law is a joke obviously written by cheaters to serve cheaters.
… and they need to be disabused of the myth that they are protected by the courts, which I always assumed to be the case until I went through a divorce.
My experience may not be the usual one, but in my case the law did protect my interests.
My ex’s proposed settlement was nowhere near 50/50, although he saw it as a fair split of assets, and initially it looked reasonable to me. My lawyer set me straight on that. I did sell him my share of the house for less than market value (I didn’t want to live in it–and clear it out–while it was readied for sale, which I knew I would be saddled with doing), and my lawyer told me that although she understood my reasoning, she would be remiss if she didn’t tell me I was entitled to more. She also said if he gave me any trouble about refusing his proposed deal she would go on the offensive.
My ex didn’t have a lawyer, and I told him I didn’t want him in court for the court date. When the judge looked over the settlement she asked me if I thought the settlement was fair. I said it was what I agreed to, but it was clear she would have been willing to entertain a change.
Throughout the entire process I felt as if the law had my back, which helped buck me up in the face of my ex’s entitled demands.
Fortunate you. I was the one left without a lawyer in my case, after one of my city’s best family law practices billed me over $60,000 for a year spent waiting weeks between calls from my lawyer, who racked up hours talking to my ex’s lawyer and going back and forth refuting my ex’s fabricated examples of his parental alienation claims. Til I was broke and had nothing to show for it except two letters to opposing counsel. Then, after another year, I finally managed to get in front of a judge, with the help of a legal clinic — and the judge denied me an emergency order to require my ex to pay financial support. My ex’s expensive lawyer was there and she lied that he’d been paying the bills.
I’d been imagining a scenario like you describe, the judge leaning over to ask me a few questions, but it wasn’t like that . There were no questions, or explanations of procedure. Just my ex’s face looming over the courtroom on a TV screen, his perfectly made-up lawyer doing her dance for the judge, quiet contempt and irritation from the judge towards me, and the courtroom officials and waiting lawyers all watching with avid pity. The entire appearance took maybe twenty minutes and then I was spit back out. All those months of effort and believing I’d get relief ended in humiliation.
What a nightmare you experienced! The more I learn about such nightmare experiences, the luckier I feel. My ex didn’t want a lawyer, as he was terrified that would result in conflict that would cost him his pension and reveal his secret sexual basement, but considered my lawyer “our lawyer” until my lawyer disabused him of that notion.
I got off for less than three thousand dollars in all legal costs (maybe because I live in a small city in the midwest), and my ex, although making demands of me, ultimately folded and even acquiesced to a very small payout of his 401k funds after I told him that the law entitled me to more than I was asking for. He said he didn’t think it was fair, but “in the interest of not making this more of a shitshow that it already is” (as he put it) agreed.
Your situation sounds like the other end of the spectrum from me.
And in most places, the law largely overlooks the contributions of stay-at-home parents. I somehow thought that would count, even in a divorce. Nope. In my state, less than 10% of divorce cases involve alimony, according to the state bar association. I cried in front of my attorney when I realized that I was very likely not to receive alimony. I was healthy and deemed able to support myself, and I did get a fraction of his pension, but that wouldn’t even cover rent.
My situation ultimately worked out, but every time I go to a wedding, I think about that.
In my experience, women are frequently urged to “invest” in the future of their family by sacrificing their careers while prioritizing their husband’s ambitions (and even their personal hobbies). Yet, when their husband leaves for someone else or their marriage breaks apart due to his cheating or other forms of abuse, the woman’s “investment” is somehow considered nil. Suddenly, she is expected to support herself, no matter how difficult that may be for her after years or decades of being a stay-at-home-wife.
I think this “investment” (at best) only pays off while the marriage lasts, through a comfortable lifestyle and social status. At the same time, the husband could end this at any time on a whim if he wants to.
Even as a young woman decades ago (growing up in a very conservative catholic environment), I secretly found this infuriating. I watched several marriages among older adults break apart in the manner described above, and I was even creeped on by some married older men myself. However, sharing this concern with almost anybody else (including other young women my age) felt deeply “inappropriate” due to strong social conditioning. I was always afraid of either being accused of destroying other women’s capacity for love by sharing something like this, or of being ugly and sexually frustrated myself (or extremely selfish).
This was me too – horrified. At one point I asked him to pay me childcare out of his salary… he got the sads as Tracy would say so I didn’t push it. He became a little more aware? – as in oh you do
Things – I wouldn’t even say grateful. I just try to forgive myself for falling for his crap.
There was a time when I wanted to be a stay at home mother but the budget didnt quite allow for it plus our marriage had crazy ups and downs – enough so that I opted to stay in my profession to support me and kids if needed. I used to make jokes about Cheater “running off with a barmaid”. His AP ended up being a corporate gal who made as much as he did but they ended it and he returned home.
Considering I endeavored to remain employable, its ironic that I eventually painted myself into a tight corner where I became an internationally respected expert on a REALLY specific niche of my profession …so specific that after leaving that job, I am actually unemployable. I probably wont ever have to work again but am very dependent on my second husband. We have a good marriage but Im cautious to watch for storm clouds as life is filled with the unexpected.
What a coward to put his family (and community) through all of that instead of asking for a divorce. Per news reports, his wife of 22 years, Emily Borgwardt, filed for separation or annulment and sole custody of their three teenagers. The entire family had gone to church that morning before he faked his death. Eighty-nine days in jail does nothing to compensate them for their trauma. It also doesn’t compensate the volunteer search and rescue divers who risked their lives and impaired their own health during their deep dive search efforts. He also took out an insurance policy before faking his death, so I can only hope they go after him for insurance fraud.
My ex fell for an online catfish scammer, and within two weeks of connecting online, he started sending tens of thousands of dollars via gift cards he photographed and emailed, so “she” could cash them remotely, without the physical cards. That quickly escalated into wire transfers, credit cards, and store payments. Much of it was funded with money he’d stolen from me, my family, our son, and even over $10,000 from our young grandson. He promised to set up his online Twu Wuv in a business, pay for college, and more. I doubt he’d actually pay for those so in a sense, he was running his own con on what he thought was a stupid, voluptuous young woman who was willing to be his arm candy.
During separation, I discovered that after I won numerous prestigious national awards in my field, he bolstered his image with various groups and employers by falsely claiming to have an MD, to have served in the military as a doctor, to have TWO Ivy League MBAs, a degree in rocket science, and to have won several international awards in the avocation he was trying to turn into a new career. All of these claims were false, yet he convinced family, friends, colleagues, employers and other organizations that they were true. As far as I know, he never tried to practice medicine. He was fired from multiple jobs, probably because he lacked the knowledge he’d get with an MBA, but he apparently used it to get a current position teaching a grad course.
He also love-bombed multiple women with five star restaurants and resort vacations, and was furious when these “sole mates” and “life partners” dumped him in a matter of days or weeks.
Post-divorce, a court found him incompetent to manage money, and he’s gone through several court-appointed money managers because he refuses to cooperate, and reportedly changes emails and financial accounts in order to hide assets. It’s possible that these are the funds that he stole and hid before and during our divorce.
Inexplicably, the most recent order allocates hundreds of dollars per month for him to spend on chat websites. I hope he’s not using those sites to run romance scams.
I’m so glad you are here at chumpnation and free.
Wow, he sounds like a real piece of work. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this.
I am relieved to hear the kids in this case are teenagers, so his chances of getting any physical custody are ultra-law. Hopefully this poor family can leave his stupid ass in the dust.
Next he’ll lay claim to the Nobel Prize (ahem).
Ick. A Jesus cheater, I knew it in my gut.
My ex FW never did anything so dramatic as this guy, but once I realized what was going on, I was continuously impressed at how unneccessarily elaborate his lies were. Especially because due to the level of detail, they could be easily discredited. I think he thought he was being very clever and sneaky, but instead he was hilariously obvious. And he’d get so angry if I guessed the truth (while still loudly denying it). I learned that the angrier he got, the closer to the truth I was. I started asking him about things that I already knew, just to see what he’d say.
I know he lied to AP as much as he did to me (I don’t feel bad for her though). My favorite was when her lease ran out and they decided to rent a house together. I’m sure she thought that meant that he was taking their relationship to the next level. But he admitted in a hearing that he was moving in with her because…he couldn’t afford to live on his own. Poor AP (not).
He also figured out pretty quickly that the grass was not greener on the other side, and his AP left him a few weeks after they moved in together. Turned out that real life isn’t anything like a weekend romance. He hid it (because how embarrassing is that after everything?), but he underestimated my detective skills, and I figured it out pretty quickly. (My attorney’s paralegal told me I should have been a PI, because I put together a really good case from all the disparate evidence I collected – and I was completely correct in my conclusions.) However, FW didn’t admit it until my lawyer asked him point blank in one of our custody hearings.
“the angrier he got the closer to the truth I was”…. that was true in my case but I did not know or understand this until after I was out, after D-day.
Trying to talk to him about money: very very angry response from him. Trying to talk to him about sex (his abusive coercion of me): very angry response from him.
One strategy he employed during his angry reactions to me trying to discuss money & sex was that he’d turn it around on me with angry accusations. “Well then why don’t YOU run my business! Why don’t YOU keep all the books then!” And, “Well obviously there is unresolved sexual abuse issues from your childhood that you refuse to tell me! What did you to as a teenager that you have not told me!? You are keeping secrets from me and that is why you have these sexual hangups!”
Believe it or not, I did not get it, at that time. I did not get what his comments meant and that it was a psychologically abusive strategy. I was just so confused, and felt so hurt and unloved and hated.
The angrier he got the closer to the truth you were. This was true for me , but I only realized it looking back. For some reason and this is good for me regarding trying to get to meh I find this funny. Like a terrified child trying not to get caught.
The part of the NYT article that really threw me was the quote from the sheriff saying this fuckwit needed to come home “for his children.” As if they need a dad like this!
I think that quote (like a lot of the quotes from the local police) from between when the police figured out he was alive in Georgia until he came back to the US need context.
The USA had no way to force his return unless he got on a plane and returned willingly. I don’t know if Georgia has an extradition treaty with the US – but I doubt anyone would try to extradite him when the best charge they had was a misdemeanor for obstruction.
The police were saying anything that might hook him enough to reel him back to the US – and “Your kids need you” (with the implication that he has a chance to be their dad again) is crack to a narcissist in a foreign country where he’s got no job, no marks and can’t do much since he doesn’t speak the language.
Bluntly, I take anything said publicly with a huge grain of salt during an active investigation.
Honestly they’d be better off if he stayed dead
My first thoughts on this were morbid. I was just glad he didn’t kill his wife and children like Chris Watts did. I’m not for one minute excusing his behaviour, but the guy gives me creepy vibes.
Yes
How sad that he returned home before he was drafted into the Russian military.
Which is what usually happens to these idiot conservative men when they run off to Russia.
That would have been a chef’s kiss moment had that happened.
I ADORE that Schmoopie gave him up. “Here, take him back. He hasn’t stopped whining since he arrived and can still only get it up if he’s looking at a screen.”
Hope he enjoys his 89 days reflecting on that.
As my wise therapist told me, “Wherever you go, there you are.”
The part that killed me was him reversing his vasectomy. He abandoned his kids to have more kids with Shmoopie? In a foreign country where he doesn’t speak the language, and where he apparently didn’t plan to get a job? What was he gonna do, put his feet up in Shmoopie’s apartment while she raised the baby?
I know calling mistresses stupid is calling water wet, but I really don’t understand how this woman thought she was winning some prize.
As someone who is friends with people who have escaped Russia, I can tell you that many people there are desperate for escape. She probably saw him as somehow a ticket out.
That is usually why Russian women pursue American men. That’s why I’m an American. My great uncle found a man in America to marry his sister after their family farm was taken by the state so she wouldn’t starve to death.
My therapist said the same when I was still wrestling with whether to reconcile or not. As in, whenever you go with him, you’ll still have him and all of his MANY issues to deal with.
It took me a year to refuse reconcilation, but part of me knew during those months that it was over.
Must add that, although he never confirmed it, my FW’s flat stare when I asked him if Schmoopie dumped him was all the confirmation I needed.
It’s so validating (when you finally decide to LAC/GAL) that no one else wants him either.
This is my dream, but I don’t think it’s my truth. I’m so no contact that I don’t know. I think he’s probably OK because he buried somebody for money and she married him for his money and they might be OK with that. Anyway, I don’t miss him. But I do wish I could get karma. Every day I am grateful that he is not in my life. I’m just not quite meh- and even though I fight it and fighting it doesn’t help, but I wish I had healthcare and had more financial security. I am fine. I think like most people I just wish I had more money. And like most people in this country good health insurance.
My #2 X “fell in love” with the cafeteria lady who made his breakfast buritto just the way he liked it. Later he got her into an empty room at the hospital he worked at and apparently, disappointed her too. She turned him into HR where a review was conducted. They were both slapped on the hand and told not to talk to each other at work again. The cafeteria lady was moved..of course. I only found out by asking my then husband why he was acting so awful. Do you know what? He blamed her being from another country and called her a “lying ( her culture) woman”, like they ALL are. ” I wasn’t special, she wasn’t special. I can only add that it took me 10 days to file as I sputtered around searching for a place to put my feet. It was a nightmare. I only hope and pray very hard, that his wife filed immediately. Oh please Mrs. Borgwardt don’t be a Chump like me!!! Save yourself !!!!!!!!
He returned to the States on December 10. She filed for divorce on December 12.
A 22-year marriage! Godspeed to her …
Thank you!! Can we get her on our LACGAL site?? How do we reach out???
When I first heard about this I wanted to reach out! Just sick and horrific.
I’ll put on my Nancy Drew costume this weekend, find her home address and send her via snail mail xerox copies of this site’s home page.
Wow are they giving this idiot a sweetheart legal deal. This is firing off my “misogyny” radar hardcore. I am pretty sure that $30,000 to drag the lake should have been “a day” instead of for the what…2 months they spent on it?
Things they are not charging him with that they probably should:
-Insurance Fraud (dude, after all, “died”. I’ve seen TV. I know what’s up.) Pretty sure that’s a felony.
-Pretty sure it’s a whole new felony when you cross state lines in the commission of a crime. I would imagine crossing at least two separate borders (did they say he fled through Canada? He left his ID in his tackle box but clearly not his passport.)
-Falsifying records is usually its own crime as well. Do they just not do paperwork in Wisconsin or something? “Faking your own death” seems pretty falsifying to me.
I’m going to go ahead and add this one as a mandated reporter:
-Child Abuse. I don’t know how old his kids are, but he knowingly and willfully traumatized his children by making them believe that he died a sudden and horrible death and would never see them again. (You ever read the accounts of people that have survived drowning? Not the way I’d wish to go out.) Christmas is eternally ruined. I feel bad for whichever therapist pulls “my dad hated me so much he faked his own death to get away from me.”
Like, is the whole technicality “they caught him before the insurance claim was processed/a death certificate was filed” or something? I’m not just saying this as a Chump-this feels way, way more illegal than he is being punished for.
Him admitting that he was trying to escape his family and start a new life is going to be pretty damning in divorce court. Also sounds like he can afford private counsel in all of this as well. I hope our new friend takes him to the cleaners.
Like seriously dude, good luck finding another job ever again. “I cheated on my wife and abandoned my family” can be explained away. “I faked my own death and fled to Russia rather than own up to my life’s mistakes” is going to make that a very awkward job interview. Wouldn’t be shocked if he got his passport pulled as he is a (quite literal) flight risk. Pretty sure he won’t be eligible for bail ever again, either.
And you just KNOW future fuckwits are going to point to that and shout “at least I didn’t fake my death and leave the country” to explain away the end of the family unit.
My personal fuckwit was pretty clumsy with hiding the evidence (as she was also clumsy in most things in life.) The most creative she got was claiming she was “helping a friend establish his breath therapy practice.” The look on her face when I told her that nobody I knew had heard of the guy or that he had no Google/Social Media/Psychology Today presence with which to get clients was priceless. I mean, if you are going to come up with a flimsy story about “out getting strange”, maybe don’t claim it’s something in the field your Chump works in and is well connected in locally? Granted at that point it was pretty flagrant and I think she was trying to actively provoke me into leaving first so I would be the bad guy. Joke’s on me I guess-she made me the bad guy anyway!
Have a Fuckwit Free Friday!
Sweetheart legal deal maybe, But I had my doubts there would even be any legal recourse, that there would be anything that would stick!
Yes to all this
Couldn’t possibly agree more. The slap on the wrist he got is infuriating.
The kids — this is the most galling part for me. The deception of course is horrific, but to deliberately and severely traumatize your children so that you can get laid. Wow. That would for sure count as child abuse if I had any say-so.
Think how public this is too. Think of the mortification they have to endure at school. If I were Mrs. Fwardt, I would be enraged at what he did to my kids.
Seems Borgwardt was in San Diego doing a bro beach bike cruise prior to faking his own death and told an aspiring Tiktoker that he was considering moving to Uzbekistan to meet a woman despite being married.
He looks like a midlife meltdown on wheels. https://www.instagram.com/p/DCYkdYcxk-2/?img_index=2
I have a few impressions from the video:
I suspect the reason he gives his scheme away to Tiktok girl is because he’s in his Cluster B fantasy compartment and needs to brag. Maybe he hopes Tiktok girl will beg him not to offshore his precious sparkle dick by proving American women aren’t “boring” and, more importantly, won’t give the ick face to pervy old guys twice their age?
I’m also guessing that Borgwardt got hooked into the Incel/neomasculine cult through the gateway of cold plunge tutorials, crypto bro content and online porn and– as advised by Redpill gurus on sites like Return of Kings– started trawling former Eastern Bloc cam girls who supposedly haven’t been corrupted by modern feminism.
Hungarian political satirist Adam Something has dissected the trend several times. He’s not the first to identify it some kind of mass psychosis signalling collapse of empire and the slow implosion of patriarchal neoliberalism. Whatever it is, it’s almost too creepy to be funny: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgukAzQ3AaQ
The first video is lawyer porn. The Defendant goes on record to prove himself an arrogrant, self-centered, dishonest, callous liar who disrespects his wife, children and marriage and only values his gherkin. He got surprisingly good free advice from Free Advice Tik Tok girl, but remained too stupid to take any of it seriously or pay attention to the camera because lttle jerkin gherkin was using 100% of his oxygen supply. Bwa ha ha.
The one silver lining in all of this is that the whole world sees what an idiot and liar he is. The truly ironic thing, though, is that I bet he blames his wife for everything.
Love that expression– “lawyer porn.”
Of course he’ll blame his stbxw but since she has deeper ties to the church community through her private Lutheran school teaching role, he might have a harder time than usual controlling the narrative.
Another impression I got from the video is that, when speaking to the Tiktoker, his voice becomes slightly effeminate, almost what some would call “gay voice.”
In solidly straight guys, that vocal quality has become a massive red flag to me and not because it suggests they’re closeted. “Gay voice” in actually gay men doesn’t carry the same signal at all. Instead I think the “fey” quality in straight guys is just an accident of adult men age-regressing– subconsciously trying to sound not just young but prepubescent.
I’ve never seen any in-depth research on this but I’ve personally never encountered a straight guy who spoke that way (either consistently or going in and out of it when drunk, etc.) who didn’t turn out to be scary in some way– sexually compulsive, violent or sadistic.
I’m not sure if it means the individual is a pedophile or not but there is a category of child rapist who basically views themselves as “trans children” so it’s possible. Mostly I think it suggest they’re radically compartmentalized in some way– have fragmented, quasi-split personalities which is apparently associated with all sorts of perpetrators.
I saw something similar in two women I had the bad luck of working with– that they’d suddenly shift into infantile voices while in the midst of violent meltdowns, though they didn’t talk that way all the time. Maybe it means something different when someone habitually talks in an age-regressed manner.
When I watched the video, I immediately noticed the voice (and the creepy “cheerful” smile) as well. It seems to say “I’m just a naughty little boy, no matter how vile my words are”, but also “Don’t contradict me now… or else.” I think I’ve encountered men like this before.
Dear Hell of a Chump:
OMG, you are right. You know how we Chumps, after the fact…sometimes years after the relationship has ended…hear or read or see something and the piled up puzzle pieces of crazy FW behavior slip into place and you can see clearly the picture on that part of the puzzle? Sorry, I am not even sure if there is a word for that. Anyway, that happened to me when I read what you wrote.
My STBXH used to do the thing with the childish voice affect. As in the case of the Borg guy in the video, it was somewhat subtle and yet so creepy. Perhaps the creepiest partof that video is that he is using his infantile affect as a flirting mechanism, a sexual signal. I just realized my husband did the same. I missed it completely until now because this is the opposite of a sexual signal to me. But I see it plain as day after the video and your explication. You’ve given me a kind of Helen Keller at the water pump moment and I thank you for the clarity it brings me.
My husband is an AGP transvestite, who also sometimes spoke in a women’s voice when he was at his most vicious and violent. She was quite real to him and they would convese and argue. I didn’t know any of this until near the end. He was also very sadistic and his porn was basically people being tortured and/or forced to do things against their will. He had pedophilic attraction as well.
You are spot on in terms of that voice being a major red flag. Maybe CL will do a column and see if this is a thing in the panoply of FW perversion. Any woman reading this who see it, please just grab your kids and your purse and leave. Your life is in danger.
Maybe the word “metanoia” might fit the experience of sudden revolutionary reinterpretation? The only thing I don’t like about it is that it has something to do with penitence in the bible and you have f*ck-all to be penitent about. But the root is Greek and I think relates more to epiphany (or can follow epiphany) in popular use.
But speaking of turns of phrase, you’re the one with the gems: “panoply of FW perversion”? Ha, I might have to borrow.
Yes, I’d love to see a poll on the “fey” voice in straight men but the subject would have to be qualified up the yin-yang because the cheater defense hacks at the Times, New Yorker, etc., would love to take this out of context to argue that CL and CN are homophobic in order to cast the cheating-as-abuse view as religiously motivated and puritanical. And, frankly, in the wrong hands that information could be weaponized to persecute gay men even if “gay voice” in actually gay men is something benign having to do with group identification and gender identity, not sadism or pedophilia.
Before I quit my former industry for good, my last boss was a straight guy who consistently spoke in that voice. Some people thought he was a closeted and self-hating homosexual despite his many hetero marriages and brood of kids. But, to quote Red from Shawshank Redemption, “He’d have to be human first.” I knew in my gut he was something much darker.
It’s hard to explain but being around serious predators makes my nervous system go berserk and I feel like I’m losing it. Anyway, sure enough, a few years after I quit that job, he was all over the headlines for raping a dozen or more young women and underage interns over the course of twenty years.
Then the thing that gave me a heads up that “gay voice” in straight men might be an accident of psychopathic age-regression is that the normally “alpha bro” workplace stalker I prosecuted for attempted assault would shift into this mewling Peewee Herman voice when he was in his “pervy trance” mode. Sound familiar? Then when his trance was disrupted by resistance, he shifted into bellowing, “alpha bro” violent rage.
My guess is that the ex boss spoke in that age-regressed tone as a predatory guise because he had pedophilic tendencies. It was to make him seem harmless to kids like “Ooh, I’m just another kid like you! Let’s go play Barbies in the tree house fort!” It might also have been that, deep down, he saw himself as a trans-child who was allowed to have sex with children because he was just a widdle boy himself. But he was a caustic, authoritarian prick to actual adults so it’s hard to say.
But the stalker definitely did the sudden psycho shift into some childish persona. My guess is that he was one of those trauma zombies who internalized sexual abuse from an extremely young age and so, thereafter, associated sex mode with child mode.
Since then, whenever I see solidly straight men using or shifting into this voice, it’s never a surprise when they turn out to be freaks in some way or other. Meanwhile– again– “gay voice” in gay men doesn’t signify anything about character. Go figure.
I am an attorney (obligatory disclaimer that this is not legal advice, and I am not barred in Wisconsin).
“…if the state of Wisconsin gets $30K, can Mrs. Borgwardt get what Ryan spent on a Russian catfisher back in the divorce?” Yes – it won’t be a one-to-one transfer, but divorce courts look at dissipation of marital assets. In practice, this probably means a sale of the house with a division of equity favoring her that “pays her back.”
Also, in my limited experience, it’s remarkably unusual for a judge to give more time in jail than the stipulated sentence. The 30k in restitution is shockingly high, too. Probably the highest I’ve ever seen. They threw the book at this guy!
This is some sweet cheater karma.
I am not an attorney (ha!), but shouldn’t his fine of $30k from the State be separated from her marital assets? In other words, I hope she has a good lawyer, who argues that it is entirely on FWardt to pay his own legal liabilities — not out of their shared assets.
I also 💜d how the judge doubled his sentence. 💃🏽
When my now-ex and I first met I was love-bombed. Flowers, gifts, fun dates and a trip to Key West, texts throughout the day, etc. And I showed up for him as the sort of person who was cherished, someone who got flowers, gifts, went on dates and trips, and texts throughout the day. Once he moved in, once I was locked down, all of that dried up. He became the man who pissed on the bathmat and left it for me to clean up, the man that ate all of the snacks I’d bought us to share, the man who threw a fit if I got the bigger piece of meat, the man who retired to play online games for hours, the man who spent hours texting schmoopies. I became the woman who was taken for granted and disrespected.
If he had taken all the energy he spent chasing new relationship energy and out it into OUR relationship, he’d never have had to leave, to move his stuff, to pay his own bills, would have had someone to hold his hand as we grew old. This guy faked his own death rather than, what, take his kids to school? Put his dishes in the dishwasher? Give his wife enough air to poop in peace and maybe take a shower after?
But men are the rational ones, the logical thinkers. 🤔
Yet despite all the pain he put you through over the cheating, aren’t you glad now that you have been spared that life sentence of not only being the “someone to hold his hand as we grew old,” but also decades more of marriage to someone who “pissed on the bathmat…ate all the snacks…threw a fit [over portion sizes]” and who took you for granted and disrespected you?
Despite my anger over what my ex did, I am often grateful that his actions became so egregious that I felt I had to divorce him, because they spared me from more of the same abuse he had subjected me to.
So glad! Before Chumplady, I thought I needed a “good enough” reason to end a relationship. We’d only been married two years so I thought he was just going through something; if I gave him grace and was patient I’d get the man I fell for back. When I saw the emails arranging Craigslist hookups I was furious, not just at the cheating, but that he’d presented himself as a good man looking for monogamy. It was a deliberate deception to get a wife appliance and a comfortable life so he could keep dating.
If you want to be a player, go play with other players. Leave me out of it.
It kind of shows you how self-hating these man-whores are that most don’t want to marry one of their own kind.
Maybe when average middle class losers get decrepit and desperate enough they’ll run off with the requisite sex worker or catfisher or office doorknob. Beggars with porn dick and mountains of credit debt can’t be choosers. But it’s clear from the manosphere that a lot of misogynist men divide women into “brands”– the type you marry and the type you bang on the side and that twain does not meet.
There have even been studies on this. The results are about as mean and objectifying as you’d expect. For instance, the impression that men like petite, weak women who don’t appear very intelligent is apparently drawn from polling young horny guys who aren’t likely to be in the stage of planning their future “dynasties.” Meanwhile deeply patriarchal dudes who plan to have tall, intelligent, physically fit sons (and be sure of paternity) tend to look for the “broodmares” most likely to produce them and least likely to cheat which pretty much rules out side pieces and party girls.
But the mistake is thinking it’s some kind of honor to be perceived as “marriageable” by people like this rather than seeing how two dimensional and punishing both options inevitably are.
I think many she-FWs are the same– prefer the civilized, good provider/good father type at home while knuckle-dragging thugs are their real kink.
While I was a college student, I was (openly) pursued by a fellow student who was at the same time secretly pursuing another student who was (unlike me) quite obviously the “party girl” type. He hid it very ineptly, so that I noticed it, but others didn’t (my friends didn’t believe me and said he was only interested in me). A few weeks later, he got together with her (another fellow student set them up).
I’m pretty sure I dodged a bullet there.
What I found most disturbing was how purposefully he proceeded, openly wooing me while secretly wooing her. Even if she was taller and heavier than me, it was clear that he perceived me more as a potential “broodmare” and her as the sidepiece (thus the secrecy, which also appeared to prompt her into a pick-me-dance for a guy she maybe wouldn’t have even noticed otherwise).
Lol, I had the same exact experience– realized I was being groomed as broodmare fodder by men who hung out with strippers the rest of the time. I was even rejected by some men because, as they put it (one way or another), they weren’t ready to get married yet. Never mind that I wasn’t either and, even if I was, they wouldn’t be on my list.
Come to think of it, no one talks about how the “broodmare” types get dissed by men who are so terrified of commitment and full of themselves that they don’t bother to find out of the “mare” in question even wants to “brood” with them.
But, before I began the “type of girl you bring home to mom” phase, I’d also been perceived as the other extreme. I think it all boils down to nothing deeper than mascara. Like my mother, I look like a burlesque dancer in heavy eye makeup. But, as a formerly bullied nerd, I deliberately cultivated the Garage Band Barbie image my last years of high school and ran with a group of girls who used the same protective coloring (they all became doctors or psychiatrists, curiously enough).
It was like if you gobbed on enough kohl eyeliner and Shirley Manson gear you could bypass and overshoot the grope/rape-target designation into “femme fatale” territory and could actually avoid bullying and harassment because all the people who didn’t matter wondered if you were armed or crazy while the people who mattered (parents, friends’ parents, favorite teachers, etc.) overlooked the facade.
That was really fun and worked out well in high school but wasn’t necessary in college so I ditched the goth gear and war paint and immediately got pegged as a “virgin.” It didn’t matter if I told dirty jokes or cursed like a dockworker. Without makeup, I’d literally have to argue with people who thought I was somehow overcompensating for or ashamed to admit my “purity,” ick.
That sucks as well because it attracts a particularly puritanical and controlling breed of patriarchal creep (the types who like creased jeans, ew) while everyone else cuts you out of interesting conversations. Anyway, I eventually found some kind of balance (at the Shiseido counter haha) and then become “broodmare” fodder thereafter.
Obviously by about 40, broodmare turns into universal den mom which I don’t mind. But being female is a tightrope walk and there are still other disgusting stereotypes to dodge in middle age like “cougar,” “MILF,” “Karen,” etc.
What is it with being jealous of us *maybe* getting a bigger portion of something we’re eating? Mine was ridiculously controlling in that way – didn’t want me to get a bigger slice of dessert if we were sharing, or any dish during any meal at all, really. He wouldn’t allow me to cut the cornbread – he had to take that over to ensure it was portioned out according to his specifications. I don’t miss that!
Ironically, I was often the more logical one, according to my ex. Perhaps it was my upbringing or my STEM degrees, but this issue came up frequently in our marriage. I was far more deliberate and self-controlled, and he was more emotional and way more volatile. His moods and impulsiveness got worse with his chemical addiction, and our home life was chaotic.
After he left, our college kids both said that I was easy to deal with, even though they didn’t like me at times. Particularly, as I got past being squashed for so many years, I became actually good at dealing with conflicts with them and gained their respect.
Meanwhile, Dad was off at the beach finding himself and acting like they didn’t exist. Well, guess what the young adults thought of that…
Obviously one of the biggest reasons to escape an abuser is the danger that kids may– out of understandable lizard brain fear of being perceived as “disloyal” to the more dangerous parent– start to internalize the abuser’s contempt for the victim parent.
Then of course there’s the fact that no one is at their best while being frog-boiled in stress from a covert abuser. We all tend to be more charming and easy going when there aren’t boots on our necks.
Dr. Emma Katz writes a lot about how abuse compromises victims’ ability to parent with aplomb and how victims who attempt to assert themselves in the face of chronic coercion and control are often perceived as the “bitchy/controlling” ones by bystanders who don’t understand what’s really going on and/or are fooled by the abuser’s tricky ability to play “victim” when there’s an audience.
Also I’ve said before that I feel like abusers almost leave a kind of psychic “stink” on their victims like animals spraying territory as a warning to other animals or sexual rivals. Bystanders intuit from victims’ micro-expressions or gestures signifying “victim stress” that “fuckery/danger is nearby” and avoid it the way hikers avoid baby bears.
Behind my back, but I’ve definitely been called “bitchy” and “ballsy” for refusing to reconcile with my ex. In my former religious circles, you just don’t take that kind of stand, and yet if I hadn’t, I might not even be around still.
I’ve shared before that one of my BILs was trying to convince me that if my then-husband killed me after we reconciled, “at least” I had pleased God by doing the right thing and submitting to my abuser. So Dad would be in jail, Mom would be dead, and our kids’ lives would be utterly shattered. How could God be pleased with that situation? At that point, I wished them well (his wife was there) and walked out of the restaurant. I told them that I would find my own way from then on.
This morning, a friend of mine and I visited a local gal who escaped an abusive relationship and landed in a local shelter with her children. As of Friday, she’s in transitional housing, so we went by to see what she needs immediately (ugh, holiday weekend). Then my friend and I went back to my place to divide up the list and strategize. To me, that’s where it’s at.
Yes, that’s definitely where it’s at. Advocacy and genuine service are where all the cool people are found and it’s just better and more interesting company. And funnier come to think of it. If you want gut-busting humor, hang out with survivors of various horrible things.
Yikes about your ex-BIL: “One of my BILs was trying to convince me that if my then-husband killed me after we reconciled, ‘at least’ I had pleased God by doing the right thing and submitting to my abuser.”
Your ex-BIL’s “god” sounds more like some ancient volcano god than even OT. I hope the ex-BIL’s wife gets combat pay.
Yes, all my current besties have survived horrific things and are as kind-hearted as they can be. I learned that “good church people” are to be avoided. I hang out with the messy people, always.
The friend I went with this morning is that way. What a story, and yet there she was, “Come with me, we need to help!”
My BIL. What can I say. I always knew that he was a bit off, but my ex would never hear of it, being the younger brother. My BIL was the undisputed patriarch of the family at that point, and I knew that they were all dissecting everything I said to any of them as a group. So telling him was enough to draw the line for good. And I did.
FW‘s best and worst attempt to deceive me (besides decades of lies) was for him to take the trash out on what became DDay. I was on to him. He had a new Tshirt after his ski weekend „alone“, which he would not have be able to purchase in the ski village. He tried gaslighting me to say he had it already the tshirt for the last 3 months. Um no. Wife appliance and washing machine appliance are best friends and I did all the laundry and folded it and put it away. (I miss you washing machine❤️). I knew every piece of clothing in the house. Suddenly he gets up and says he has to take out the trash. Trash is not full and not stinky – so very strange for FW to take out the trash. I ended up dumpster diving later in the evening. Found the trash bag. Ripped it open. Found pudding packets with an Eastern European language on it. Knew exactly what/who he had done during his ski weekend. Ran upstairs. Threw the trash bits-covered pudding packets at him, they exploded into a big mess and told him I know he is a lying cheating bastard. What a di**. P.S. CL, I love the Sconnie humor today.
I was rather triggered recently when I found some Romanian currency in the house,
“He probably discovered he wasn’t the only soul mate. Worse, he had to get a job. In a non-English speaking country. In a land without any cheese or Milwaukee Brewers games. Or chumpy wife appliances.”
😆
My my my. What will FWs think of next.
I do think this crime should not be a misdemeanor. He put so many people through the wringer, not just his family, but all the people who helped search for him. He wasted not just money, but all those people’s time, which is a precious commodity. Most importantly, people mourned the bastard. I don’t believe it only cost $30,000 either.
All he had to do was tell his family he was buggering off to parts unknown. Faking his death was not necessary as the chump wouldn’t have found him way the hell off in Georgia in order to get child support out of him. So it was needless cruelty. One can only hope his catfisher has a Russian Mafia pimp who won’t like the money being cut off and decides to come and teach him a lesson.
Couple things;
1) Knowing the brain power of these FWs he more than likely had his bags packed, along with his laptop, two steamer trunks full of trinkets from his childhood and his Brewers Jersey. When he disclosed this to his twu luv he was coached by ‘Natasha’ that taking all of that to go kayaking would be a little too conspicuous. Rather, he should bring only the cashiers checks and himself (if he must).
2) The courts seem to be more upset at the money they spent on 89 days searching for him. They do not seemed concerned in the least about restitution for the 22 + years his wife spent with him. Nor for the years that the anchors that were his kids burdened his free spirit.
Ex-fw in my situation was surprised when ‘Svetlana’ was no longer chatting with him after his credit card was maxed out!
Typical of the court system. Maybe they should sue for pain and suffering, severe emotional distress.
Correct. The courts don’t give a flip about the massive trauma inflicted upon the spouse and the children.
I think the problem here is that modern law tends to give greater weight to “violations of consent” related to financial/corporate crime than interpersonal violations of consent related to finances or bodily integrity and autonomy.
Because courts don’t usually compensate “invisible wounds” unless these wounds involve things that tend to universally shock the public conscience like violent rape, death to family members or calculable financial loss, I think the focus should be on aligning legal definitions of things like sexual and financial consent so that…
A) “dissipation of marital assets” gets the same criminal consequences as embezzling company funds
B) because receivers of stolen goods in financial contexts are legally required to return the value of gifts and amenities to avoid penalties and prison regardless of whether they knew the assets were stolen. These laws should also apply to schmoopies and escorts who accept gifts and amenities drawn from marital assets regardless of whether they knew the assets were stolen.
C) chumps unwittingly conned into having sex with cheating partners could charge the latter with criminal “rape by deception” because this would be analogously criminal according to laws regarding financial deception.
Number 2 is insightful. I remember my attorney explaining that although my cause was just, all that a judge would care about is treating my marriage like a business with assets to divide. At that point, he had been practicing family law for 40+ years and was the son of an appeals judge.
So yes, I had to believe him and process that.
Between Coldplay gate and this as&*”&t I’m very glad 2025 is a year for the public humiliation of cheaters!
None of the Perel exuberant BS or the glamorous true love of movies, but a real unvarnished look at the typical garden variety selfish serial cheater and their horrendous stupidity!
If you’re going to fake your own death, fake drowning is probably a good way to do it, but not in a lake. The ocean is your best bet but if you really can’t take a trip to the coast, a wide, long, raging river will do.
And get a fake ID; if they flag you leaving the country after your “death”, the gig is up. And don’t leave a bunch of Web searches about how to fake your death.
Also, maybe just tell your wife the truth and leave her instead of faking your death? Or don’t cheat? Just a thought.
I followed this story with curiosity and Deja vu. I wasn’t aware at first, but Ex-fw went down the rabbit hole of dating sites of every variety, porn and sending money to all types of scammers trying to have sex. Didn’t try to fake his own death but left abruptly right after Christmas in the middle of the night (left a note). Some of you have heard this story before. Was going to Ukraine to “help with the war effort”, translated: meeting up with Eastern European dating site schmoopie (rather than addressing his alcohol issues and other addictive tendencies). Guess he was planning on having sex in a bunker. Didn’t work out once he got there but in his mind he wasn’t planning on coming back ( I sometimes wish he would have stayed there.) 27/year marriage, was home in 10 days, Got him to move out. Delusional behavior continued, lost most of his retirement, eventually agreed to turn over his cell phone and laptop. That and anti-psychotic med finally stopped the craziness. Had 2 strokes last Fall, did not recover much and is now in a nursing home in long term care. It seems like these bizarre behaviors can be a precursor to strokes and other brain disorders. Aside from narcissism and downright selfishness.
This case falls on the far right of the “How Far Will the Spaths Go” spectrum. The following story is even worse.
In early July of this year, a beloved marketing professor at one of the top public universities in the U.S. was gunned down by his ex-wife’s boyfriend during the summer drop-off of the divorced couple’s children. I contacted Przemyslaw “PJ” Jeziorski’s brother via FB and recommended Bill Eddy’s books to deal with the trial, and custody battle that will surely ensue. The Greek mother was arrested in addition to the hitman and some other sociopathic players in the saga. Where will the children end up ? Greece ? Or Poland where their father was from ?
My heart goes out to the children in both of these stories. Lots of therapy required.
Heartbreaking.
So this FW’s children had to travel through the trauma of a ‘missing, presumed dead’ parent. That is a cruelty they’ll likely never recover from.
And then the double cruelty that he was in fact alive all along and could comfortably live with them going through that angst in the first place.
What a moronic dumbf#*k.
The aspirations of these FW’s are so cliched – “FW lite”. An exotic Russian cat fisher beats out a real life family and children.
My FW 1 sought out a vacuous weight lifting gym goer and FW2 sought out the ‘glamourous’ self satisfied Euro-twat. I think because being French equalled being ‘sophisticated’ in his sad little world.
All is fine if a person is in fact Russian, French or a gym goer. These traits/profiles are neither here nor there. But it’s the FW’s who don’t care to look deeper and APs who elect to peddle two dimensional wares. Tropes are their currency.
He let his children think their father was dead… He let them think he drowned…
When I was a kid, one of my aunts had been diagnosed with schizophrenia after she and my uncle had three children. One of her medications made her sleepwalk. She got out of the house one night and drowned in the river near their home. My uncle was sleeping against the door because he was worried about her going outside. He doesn’t know how she got out of the house. They called it suicide and she couldn’t be buried with her family because she was Catholic.
I just remember what they went through. It was horrible. For years. It was just so horrible and heartbreaking. And this guy did it on purpose to his kids for sex with some rando he had never even met… That’s one of the worst things I’ve ever heard.
It’s not unknown for people to fake their own deaths and disappear, or try to. There’s an article about faked deaths on Wikipedia. I’d guess adulterous relationships are quite often the motive.
I’d guess that now it’s harder to stay dead, what with social media and cameras everywhere.
My lesson is, if your partner seems rather checked out & evasive and refuses to explicitly deal with issues, it’s just the tip of the iceberg.
I knew something was wrong and at one point in the dark fog of gaslighting, no idea of any cheating, I said I wanted divorce. He acted shocked & hurt and hung around a few months pretending to try …. then ran off to schmoopie in another country.
Thoughts on “Borgwardt”: he’s an idiot because he’s truly stupid and he’s a bastard because he caused pain, suffering and trauma to his family.
Lengths my eX chose to go to deceive: he had a traditional and easy setup for his adulterous escapades. He did not really have to go to great “lengths”. Several computers, locked phones, sex worker “finder” websites and frequent long work trips. He had it really easy. Especially with chumpy, trusting wife appliance at home assuming he was as virtuous as she.
I live in the UK and have travelled in Eastern Europe. I think that the shock of how things are on this side of the pond would be tremendous to a FW from the US. Plus, he was catfished so no reason to stay. I am enjoying the schadenfreude. His poor wife and kids though. Absolutely unforgivable. I really hope they recover from this.
Starting with a name change