Moments of Meh

MEHMeh, that Promised Land of indifference. Many have reached its shores, others see it in the far-off distance, and some just have to take our word for it that Meh exists — they aren’t there yet.

Meh, for the newbies, is that beautiful place of acceptance, where you Trust That They Suck, you see the true crappy person there, and you no longer feel enmeshed in the drama.

Meh is when the cheater flips through the three channels of mindfuckery — rage, charm, and self-pity — and it does. not. work.

Poor boo is frothing at the mouth in fury? Not my problem.

Mr. Sparkles would like another chance? No thanks. I’ve got more improving ways to spend my time. Unclogging drains. Cleaning up dog vomit. Wiping up spills with Esther Perel articles…

Sad Sausage needs a hug? Call Schmoopie.

Meh! Ain’t it grand?

Today’s Friday challenge is to share your moments of meh. You might not be totally there, but meh comes on gradually. You’ll have moments where you’ll realize — OMG I don’t GIVE A SHIT! Hallelujah!

Tell us about it. TGIF!

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Bamboozled
Bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My Meh moment was Black Friday. Instead of going out shopping I decided to clean out the attic. It turned into a glorious evening. I found my wedding dress, which I thought I had thrown away. I didn’t. So I wanted to see if that sucker fit… It didn’t (not well anyways).

In that moment I drank a glass of wine (in my wedding gown) and decided to take photos of myself, in my wedding dress, which I later turned into a video. It was probably one of the funniest most freeing things I have ever done in my life. I took photos of myself sipping wine in front of the fire, sitting with the dog, reading a book, in my cowboy hat and boots, cooking, with the veil, without the veil, and the list goes on.

I made the video and attached the song “I’m so fancy” by Iggy Azalea. It was so FREEING!! I felt nothing for ex-hole. The dress held no meaning, it wasn’t holding me hostage to memories or feelings of sadness or even regret.

I am a very sarcastic person and I love to laugh and that night the real me was back, finally!!

Braveheart
Braveheart
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Bamboozled, I put a match to my wedding dress on the Primos grill I gave my wasband for our 24th wedding anniversary… it was cathartic! I have reached the utopia of MEH!

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

So awesome Bamboozled! Iggy Azalea’s songs are cool 🙂

(She has been chumped too.. Right after she got engaged).

Finally Moving Forward
Finally Moving Forward
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Awesome! Loved this! ?

GoFYourself
GoFYourself
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

When you do not wave to them then they go mad with the fury, frothing at the mouth about how rude you are!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

That is awesome!!!! 🙂

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Wow, this is so awesome! A total meh day!! 🙂

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Excellent choice to take back your power and personality! Laughter is the best!

So glad you could have fun with it and turn it into a powerful statement of freedom and healing.

MightyAgain
MightyAgain
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Love it! That is the best!! You ROCK!!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Love it!!!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Oh my gosh that is the best!!

It reminds me of National Lampoons Christmas Vacation in which Clark Grizwald (Chevy Chase) got locked in the attic and was doing similar things – as a male! The picture has been painted very well Bamboozled! Just awesome.

NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
7 years ago

Love that movie! Only problem is that it’s a trigger now. Griswold is the last name of one of the ho-workers. ?

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

That movie is a trigger for me now, too. The ex and I watched that movie every single time we put up the Christmas tree. I should have known something was totally off our last time putting up the tree with the kids. He was acting strange and distant; ho-workers and thinking about divorcing your wife to fuck the new whore will do that to a cheater.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I’m sorry, can I try to to put the smiles back on you? ….:) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

Just remember NIKWHLL, with a name like “Griswold” that should explain the dysfunction in the ho-worker. More smiles for ya,,,,:) 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Good Lord Tracy, there are over 800 responses! Wow, do you have a lot of work coming up. Betcha we will hit 1000 posts!

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago

The fastest way to Meh is No Contact.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Bravo!
Embrace No Contact, the path to the truth and the light!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I am counting on it.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Yes x1000

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Agreed! 100%

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago

Just this last week at his parents house, where he has his visitation with the children, STBXH said, “Don’t pretend you care about me.” … I kid you not, within his words, I could see it. He broke character.

He is always acting (AKA lying). …but this time I saw it. I could see the mismatch between the words and his expression. Acting… Lying… Faking it… Like we weren’t together 8 years. Like I don’t intimately know him. Did he, just for a moment, forget I was not one of the randoms who will fall for his crappy acting skills? Oh meh… I can see you on the horizon!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Did you say, “Okay, I won’t pretend that I care about you?” with a smile.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wish I had been of that mindset and thought of saying something similar when X said to me, “you never loved me.”

Who told you? the secrets out.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

@Brit – On DDay, my then-husband said “but I love you…”

I shot back something along the lines of “we obviously have very different definitions of love.”

He never tried that again.

Since then, he’s clearly shown that he can change word definitions at will, while failing to inform anyone else of that change…

This is why NC is so central to chump recovery, it allows us to stop exposing our mind to their manipulative toxicity.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes yes Aloha Freedom how did you respond????

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

“Yep… Okay… I’m going to go. Bye girls… Mommy loves you.”

Idle hands
Idle hands
7 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Perfect!

Murphy Cee
Murphy Cee
7 years ago

I am still in the process of the divorce (we own a partially cash business). He recently stopped paying the mortgage so I filed for temporary support. He’s supposed to paying $989/month. I just got a deposit of $456.64 and thought awww……poor baby needs money for his new GF. It is all my lawyers problem now, not mine!

Just Not Sure
Just Not Sure
7 years ago

How do you know the difference between being emeshed bc you’re not meh and every-idiotic-thing he does by way of mistreating the kids or not complying with a decree angers you; and just being bat-shit angry at the way he treats your children and how he uses them to get under your skin?

GraceInMotion
GraceInMotion
7 years ago
Reply to  Just Not Sure

I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to explain this right but the worst thing that you can have is any sort of expectations. Do not expect him/her to behave normally or to have normal reactions, do not expect him/her to behave properly or respond as a good parent would to your children. That is what used to set me up for despair and anger and kept me from “meh”.
Approach every single thing in your life as a single individual even as it pertains to the children. Assume nothing, don’t figure anything is obvious, approach it all with a solo mentality and expect nothing. Do this, with as much “no contact” as the situation allows and “MEH” will be yours sooner than you can imagine.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  GraceInMotion

This hasn’t been that hard for me because I became conditioned early on to have few expectations of him, and eventually, none. I did have to break myself of the habit of telling him everything, and seeking his approval. I sure don’t miss his criticism! He expected me to act as his surrogate in matters with the kids – he wanted me to do things how he would have done them had he been there (instead of spending time with APs).
We never co-parented, so it is really liberating to do things according to my philosophies alone and not give a damn about his 50s era parenting ideas. (My sisters say he is a Mad Men father. I never watched the show, but the description seems to fit him well.)

Cori
Cori
7 years ago
Reply to  GraceInMotion

I like your share. ..it helps me…I kind of have been doing this recently without realizing that is why I feel better. ..divorcing him so some contact for practical issues. ..move issues, etc. But the more I think of each communication as an incident on its own…I can more easily not obsess, or have emotional overload..I was telling my therapist how I just don’t care enough any
more to get into any sharing with narc
..it’s like he’s someone else’s annoying, mean child , 5 yrs old!
Ignore behavior and go to different room in my brain.
I am no longer on emotional hook that causes me to respond to bait.
Tried to bait me with dumb accusations about how I left , etc. via email..
No response.
Anyway, thanks for taking time to share what works as it clicked with my out of the fog phase Aha moments.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Just Not Sure

Say, maybe,something like you child calling in a whisper to say “mom, dad doesn’t have any food in the house because he’s going on a trip tomorrow, can I stop at your house on the way to school and pack myself a lunch?”

You trust that they suck and be the sane parent. “Of course you can.” And know it’s one more example your child will get to see of you being the sane, with it parent who always has his back. Not that this happened to me recently or anything,but I think it’s a good example of me getting to meh. Go me!

OutWest
OutWest
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

AOK,

My ex doesn’t keep food in the house either! took several months for kids to tell me and for me to figure out that he was having son make lunch with week old lunch meat because “the package says it’s still good”. Yes, it’s still good until you open it and then you have 4 days to use it, not a week dipshit! Had a kid with the runs for a week after that….talked to son and said, “just buy lunch for school when you are at your dad’s”. Problem solved! These little events let me know that I’m every closer to Meh.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Just Not Sure

I think it’s similar to having a shitty coworker, instead of a shitty Life partner. Which is to say, when someone I work with pisses me off because of something they did or didn’t do, I can call them on it, deal with it, and move on. Whereas when it was XH, everything HURT, it was all so personal (or seemed/felt that way)… until Meh.

When I had IRS problems with XH earlier this year (it’s been about two years since Dday for me), every time he’d send an email with his excuses, etc., I was just like, “Oh, god, THIS guy — he just cannot get his shit together and nothing is ever his fault,” (aggravation, frustration, anger) instead of “He’s always been this way! If he really cared about me, he’d pay the fine/tax, and I’ll bet he’s spending that money on Schmoopie and taking her to Hawaii and …” (hurt, injustice, pain) blah blah blah. See the difference?

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Yes, I see this difference, and I like it!!

Empowering.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Just Not Sure

Just not sure, I don’t think meh means the dumb shit stops getting under your skin. Because when somebody fucks with my kids or my finances or my life….trust me, that shit still gets me pissed.
For months after he left when I was still willing to pick me dance a little, when he would call I would kind of take this breath when I saw it was him and kind of say to myself ” don’t mess this up”, now if he calls I say “ugh….wtf does he want??” to myself. That’s my meh.
I don’t have to trust that he sucks, I know he does.

ChumpDude
ChumpDude
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow, boy do I remember that place of Pick Me Dancing and the “don’t mess this up” self-talk whenever I had contact with him. Nearly complete self-abandonment. I put such pressure on myself to be perfect. It’s been two years since he walked away from our 20 year relationship, and I’m about 70% of the way to meh (it’s tough around the holidays). I’m proud of myself. I’m surviving, and at times I really didn’t think I would.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Just Not Sure

That’s where you have to trust that he sucks AND expect that he will continue to be a jerk doing jerk things. There is no co-parenting with a disordered nitwit. He won’t step up to the plate and do what’s right. Let your anger be a motivator in finding ways to cope without his help. Journaling and documenting the BS I dealt with was a great emotional outlet for me. I wrote it out on paper to get it out of my system and then I made a conscious effort NOT to think about it every waking moment. It’s hard to do, but necessary for your own sanity.

You only have control of how you react and respond to life’s injustices. It IS infuriating when our exes do idiotic and cruel things for selfish reasons. Anger is a call to action, but don’t let it consume you. Do what you can to make sure your children feel loved, secure, and protected emotionally and physically with you. If your ex is not holding up his end financially with the divorce decree, sic your lawyer on him. If he’s trying to play head games with you, refuse to play along. Gray Rock and No Contact as much as possible.

You will find your footing again and Meh will follow in time!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Plus one to this. Get it outta the heart and onto the page. Soon, this ritual will translate to meh as you continue to see a narc acting like a narc, time after time. Nothing you can do about it. Meh will follow!

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

I am getting therapy from the Institute of Relational Harm Reduction the website is saferelationshipsmagazine.com. (Women Who Love Sociopaths and How to Spot A Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved books by founder Sandra L brown) One of the exercises I did was to start a Him Journal. One page for every year with him.
When you have a memory that pops up Jot it in the journal in the year it happened as best as you recall. Just enough to recall the incident not enough to trigger you. It really made it apparent his disorder is pervasive and ongoing, one of the hallmarks of a cluster B. It also helps you get these memories out of your brain because you have a place to put them when they pop up.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

I have been journaling for almost four years, throughout the whole process. It is amazing how writing it down brings clarity. Sometimes I look back over the years and it seems like someone else’s life, then I think, how did I survive all that!

Susan
Susan
7 years ago

I too read some of my jounal and freak that I went thur si much emotional shit. I feel so sorry for this person I’m reading about the pain this poor person was in, then I realize too, how did I make it?

My meh came, almost 6 yrs past, when I told my son, I wished my estranged huband, his father, held fall in love again. Held find happiness again.

My son doesn’t get it? ((26 yrs old)) loves his father, but doesn’t think he deserves to be happy. He cheated on us…

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago

The whole experience is surreal to me now, too. I feel pretty damn proud of myself for having pulled myself out of a truly bad situation. Facing the unknown and starting over when I was 46… Terrifying!! But here I am 6 years later, happy and free and truly loving life again!!

Cheers to all the brave chumps out there!!

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

Two incidents that crack me up. When I was still Facebook friends with him (post d-day – I am a gold medal chump) he saw that I was going to a ball and texted me at 6pm the night of (it started at 6:30) that he wanted to pick up the Murano glass set the next day. I didn’t put two and two together until later. I replied it was fine and asked what time? 2pm. He picked it up without bubble wrap or a box – he was obviously upset I had a life – it was worth over $1000.
The second incident was when I asked for him to provide a written list or highlight the Moneygram payments on the bank account. When my lawyer chased it up he wanted the coffee machine. I gave it to him happily as I don’t drink coffee and was sick of it being on the kitchen bench.
Both times I had zero feelings about the stuff. A great life does that for you. I am at meh.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

So, he was trying to get into your head just before you went out?
Did he expect you to have it wrapped and ready?

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

I think he thought two things – 1. That it would upset me (it didn’t). 2. That he couldn’t be bothered wrapping it because he is lazy and as I realise now, he values nothing.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

I think it’s important to note that the land of Meh is not Nirvana, a state of total perfection.

By Chump Lady’s definition (none of the pathetic tactics work, you’ve turned the corner and are moving on), I reached Meh sometime around the time 4am 4ever introduced me to Chump Nation and I started reading everyone else’s stories. I was already on my way there, as Kunty Kibbler kept constantly demonstrating her supreme shittiness. With each overnight ‘outing’ with a ‘friend,’ with every ‘come hither’ selfie and self aggrandizing commentary on social media, and with every turn through the channels of mindfuckery, Meh was easier and easier to accept.

But that doesn’t mean there still aren’t challenges — weekly, hourly, DAILY. These rotten anchors leave a residue that unfortunately will be with us in some form, probably forever. Like any scars left over from some injury.

To me, Meh means (1) accepting who and what they are, clearly and with as much objectivity as possible, and (2) being able to deal with them accordingly and effectively without upsetting the rest of your life or those around you.

When they’re just another entry on the roster of necessary annoyances that we all have, I think you’re in good shape. My opinion.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I’m still unable to achieve “meh” because he continues to emotionally abuse my kids and take pleasure in maligning me every opportunity he gets: when he gets together with our sons, or when I have the now rare (thank God) times I have to contact him regarding our kids.

However, I have experienced moments of actual gratefulness.

Like when it occurred to that in a twisted way, I’m ironically indebted to Skanky for having enough money and epic dimwittedness to “lure” him out of my immediate orbit. He’s her daily problem now, and my life has improved tenfold since he left.

Oh, she’ll never get a handwritten, thank you note on embossed stationary from me. In fact, I refuse to ever acknowledge her. But I’m genuinely thankful they found each other, as I believe the universe righted itself when I finally I lost a loser and she gained one. It’s been a painful experience, but I’m thankful my disaster of a marriage is now and forever, in my past.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXWorld

Thanks for this way of looking at ‘meh’. It made a huge difference to me when I read this as now I will be realistic about what to expect and not waiting for some kind of seamless perfection to roll around.

KJ
KJ
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Beautifully and succinctly put, UXWorld!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I remember reading Chump Lady say that you can’t ever truly achieve Meh until you are divorced. I think that’s true and worth bearing in mind. I think we must have realistic expectations of ourselves.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

I also remember reading that you can’t ever truly achieve Meh until you are divorced. Im close and divorce trial is in 4 weeks! ?

The fact that I’m excited about the trial and wanting resolution and an end to any sort of control and attempt to manipulate me by douche bag is a sure sign that Meh is the next stop after divorce and I can get off this crazy train for good.

No contact has broken the chains of bondage that abusive mindfucker had on me for 25 years. I’m completely done pick-me dancing.

A few months ago before I went completely no contact he tried again to Hoover even though he’s living with the gold digging home wrecking whore. I was able to tell him and mean it that we are not compatible, he does not have the core values that are necessary for any sort of partnership with me : fidelity, integrity, sobriety, family focus. You’ll never guess how he responded: a long pause and then a weak-voiced and lame “yes I do.” My retort: “Nope–actions prove a man’s worth.” I never felt more powerful in all my life.

Now whenever I wax nostalgic about him I bring myself up short and admonish myself: “He doesn’t share the same core non-negotiable values as you do.”

Baaahaaaahaaa

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

@MotherChumper99 I may or may not have priced confetti cannons for the courthouse steps on the day I finalized my divorce

@Attie that’s damn mighty of you!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Confetti cannons! What a great idea!
I have seen pictures of people who decorated their cars with “just divorced” stuff.
I am curious how chumps act around their kids immediately post divorce. Do you celebrate in front of them? With them? In general, my kids are a lot happier since STBX moved out. They know I am happier too.

Yesmehlady
Yesmehlady
7 years ago

In the UK it is usually a quiet and anti-climactic event. Unlike the wedding where you orally contract your marriage vows in front of everyone, I got a slim envelope one dark evening in February advising me that several days previously a Judge had unilaterally dissolved that contract.

The information had passed through the hands of clerks and varied postmen before it reached me. I opened it whilst making supper for the kids. After supper I sat alone and read it properly and took it in. It wasn’t a moment of elation, nor was it despair it was just a quiet moment of resolution. For several weeks after though I was still in a high anxiety state, I liken it to post exam time when you haven’t really taken on board that it has stopped. That it really is over and there are no more lies to counter or work to be done.

I told the kids the next day, just simply over supper. They just responded they thought we had been divorced a long time. It took years. Nearly a year on and the realisation that I am divorced has well and truly sunk in. I am so happy to be free. Life is fine, and the problems are mine alone. I got to Meh. Next!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

???

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

Ha MC99, I (finally) had mine up in Court on domestic violence charges. I didn’t have to attend Court if I didn’t want to but I chose to (knowing that I could also be put on the stand). Ex lied about a couple of things and how they absolutely did NOT happen to the Judge and I just stared at him. Have you ever stared someone down when you both know they are lying and he couldn’t turn his head and look at me. Kept staring straight ahead but the veins on his neck gave him away. Judge must have seen that (plus the photos I had of my battered body) and he now has a conviction for domestic violence. MF. And of course, he never pinned me down on the bed and threatened me with a broken whiskey bottle and said “I’ll do it you know, and I will do the time for it”. Nah, that never happened either.

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Yah, I showed up for domestic violence court, too, and I’m so glad I did!!

ALSO, at the pre-trial court, I turned my back on James Bond, could not bear to see or hear him. I still held my head up and with straight posture, looked straight ahead.

At the end of this pre-trial session in front of the judge’s stand, before I could walk away, the judge leaned forward and said, “Thank you, ma’am.” I don’t why he said thank you, but he did.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

MC99 and QM, you are both super mighty!

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Because you served justice, QM (and MC99).

Mighty!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Attie, oh my fucking God!!!! He is truly evil incarnate. I am so sorry you were harmed like this. I hope he gets a drug resistant strain of syphallis and his nasty bits rot off slowly and painfully. Ebola would be too quick of an end for someone like him.

MovingOn
MovingOn
7 years ago

It is also hard to achieve (based on my personal experience) when you have young children with them. I am pretty sure that I would be at total meh if I did not have kids with the bottom feeder. There are days when he doesn’t even cross my mind, but then one of my kids will get upset about going over for visitation, or he will send me one of his pompous, condescending emails about something trivial that he has to make dramatic, and I will get annoyed. I’m not in full-blown rage stage anymore, but I can’t fully be “I don’t think about you meh” because I’m forced to think about him due to our kids.

2days19hrs
2days19hrs
7 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

I agree if I didn’t have sole custody and supervised (by me) visitation I would likely have not reached the level of meh I’m at (maybe 80% or more which is amazing considering how truly f-ed up I was this time last year). I have an almost 3 yr old and an almost 10 yr old so if we had regular visitation seeing him and handing them over to that irresponsible arse hole would drive me crazy.
I truly feel for you and I hope you cab keep pushing for meh.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Okay, I think I found Chump Lady February of 2016 and wrote her a letter she answered the same month. I was not even close to meh. I’d say I was pretty close to Hell.

Today I no longer care what he is up to the weekends he doesn’t have the kids and the evenings the kids are with me. I never stalked him or any crazy thing like that, but he did cross my mind (trauma bonding jealousy is real — I should have no reason to be jealous of the OW, but he was my husband for 20 years — I was blindsided/discarded — that takes awhile to adjust to.)

I 100% totally accept that he sucks. I 100% totally accept that he’s NOT the “nice guy.” The “nice guy” is the mask he wears. The real him is the snake, cold, emotionless, mean person under the mask. I no longer have cognitive dissonance over whether he is the nice guy or mean guy.

I’m no longer triggered when I get an email from him (we have kids together and we need to stay in contact.)

I no longer miss the “nice guy.”

I didn’t think I’d ever adjust to my kids being gone at their fathers (the first weekend they were gone, I cried almost the whole time), but I now enjoy my alone time. I enjoy not having to make dinner seven nights a week.. I still wish my kids were with me, but I now look at the bright side.

I enjoy not having to take care of the cheater anymore. I have much less work to do now that my home is smaller. My life is simpler without him. My life is free of lies. My brain is no longer confused. I no longer have to listen to my husband and wonder if what he is telling me is the truth. I no longer have that pit in my stomach when I heard him tell a lie and I knew he was lying, but I didn’t want to say anything because I knew the conversation would go no where. I no longer have to do the Pick Me (spend time with me!) dance.

I still have a ways to go to getting to meh, but I’m getting there. I never would have thought last February that I would be feeling this well today. Thanks CL and CN!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thank you, everyone, for all your kind and encouraging comments!

I realized towards the end of my work day that yesterday was the 2nd anniversary of receiving The Divorce Letter from my ex. Realizing that didn’t make me feel bad either emotionally or physically. I ended having a great day. Took my kids out for dinner and Rogue One for my daughters birthday. That movie was great. We all had a nice time and we had an enjoyable evening once we got home.

Meh! Here I come!!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

So true, Martha!!!!! 🙂

meb
meb
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

We didn’t have children, but other than that my story is so identical that I could have written it. I think when we’re going through this living hell, you feel like this has never happened to anyone else. Then I found this site, and I no longer feel alone. Some days I’m closer to meh than others. Our divorce was drawn out to four years. It’s impossible when you’re in the trenches fighting the rat bastard for every cent to reach meh. I have never thought of him as anything else but a rat bastard. I was devastated that the life I loved made absolutely no difference to him. I have trouble with memories of wonderful vacations, times that I thought were special. I haven’t reached the point where I can go back to the vacation places where I also have many loyal friends. Somehow I have to get over that it was “our special places”and make them mine, I see no other way than to face the memories and realize that it won’t be easy.
P.s.: the rat bastard married the third “love of his life” a week after the divorce was final. She’s 25 years younger than him. He has a daughter the same age. Maybe they can arrange okay dates.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  meb

Meb- I completely understand! You stated it perfectly,” I was devastated that the life I loved made absolutely no difference to him. I have trouble with memories of wonderful vacations, times that I thought were special”. This has been one of my toughest battles. How could our years together of love, laughter, datenights, support, emotional intimacy, beautiful vacations, shared everyday life mean nothing to him? How can he discard me and our life of 12 years together? Just last night I was triggered and remembered an Alaskan cruise we had taken and the great time we had with one another. But I’m getting closer to meh. At the end of the day I don’t have to understand, I just have to realize there are non-negotiables in my life and cheating is one of them. I am worth more and want more for my life than living with a cheater. Grief is a process, and meb we will get there! We will move past the memories and be able to live a better life than before.

meb
meb
7 years ago
Reply to  meb

Spell check makes things up as it goes along…..”okay” above should be play dates. Not even close spell check.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Very well put, Martha!

” I 100% totally accept that he sucks. I 100% totally accept that he’s NOT the “nice guy.” The “nice guy” is the mask he wears. The real him is the snake, cold, emotionless, mean person under the mask. I no longer have cognitive dissonance over whether he is the nice guy or mean guy.”

You have perfectly described my ex as well. For me, this realization was my first foothold in Meh. When you have been lied to for so long that you don’t know what is true and what isn’t, this moment of clarity begins to bring back reason.

I too am more at peace, life is definitely easier, and I love being free of the mind movies and replays. I feel free and have rediscovered who I was and what I wanted before ex ever sucked the joy out of life.

I’m 17 months post-divorce, and spend the majority of my life in Meh. The occasional day trip to my former “residence” is quickly followed by the realization that I don’t want to go there any more–why the heck would I want to visit that chumpy place any more?

Hang in there, newbies. Your cheater-free life will be so much better.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

17 months post-divorce! I can’t believe it has really been that long! Time really does fly when you’re cheater free!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, I think you described Meh perfectly and I relate to a lot of your experiences. I’m still having a bit of a hard time with not seeing my kids as often, but I agree that life is simpler without the cognitive dissonance.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

^^^^❤️❤️❤️this^^^

lovedandlost
lovedandlost
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

This is my story as well! But 3 yrs after, still not totally meh but I can see it now

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha don’t you enjoy not having to deal with conflict with every day tasks and decisions.
X had a habit of making things more difficult than they were. I remember a couple of weeks after he moved out one of the smoke alarms started beeping. I knew it needed a new battery, remembering
how difficult it was for X and how long it took him I was afraid to change the batterie but it had to be done.
I was so surprised when I found out how simple it was. Must have taken X at least 15 minutes for a simple battery replacement. He’d climb the ladder get back down while giving me the evil eye.
He’d go back up and then down the ladder huffing and puffing, more dirty looks.
I couldn’t believe how easy it was to change the battery.

scharklady
scharklady
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit,
After I read your post about the battery changing, I remembered a similar experience after I broke up with my college sweetheart (a bit of a passive narc control freak). His big agonizing feat was putting up the tent when we went camping. Seriously, I would have everything unpacked, gone for a hike, collected fire wood and started making whatever meal it was time for and he would still be working on the fucking tent.

After we split up I bought my own tent and set it up in my parent’s back yard. It took me two minutes! The very first time! I rolled around hysterically laughing in that tent, so loud that my mom came out in the yard to check on me. Then we made a fire and we burned shit from the relationship. It was an awesome day.

desdemona
desdemona
7 years ago
Reply to  scharklady

Dear CAGal ,brit and starkly

“I have to rethink my approach to so many things that I approach with dread, because he trained me to think they are impossible and drama filled.”

I totally agree with you. The ass made – anything worth fighting for – a waste of time.

I am self employed and the last business I worked for, owed me 40 grand . After 1 yr of polite emails and requests , I had enough and decided to take to proceed legally. The ex who earns 300k a year remarked that it was petty for me to run after 40K and propagated enough doubt and dread that I didn’t go forward.

Now I know better ,but it is so hard to unlearn some abuse!
I always wanted to start a business by myself, but dread it. Its funny, how all my family and good friends believe that i can succeed and I am the only one who has lost faith.

I am still a distance from Meh, I think.

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Those who are old enough may remember a commercial for Rice Krispie treats and the mother who made them seem like a huge production. Makes me think of it in a whole new way now..

CAGal
CAGal
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

I have definitely noticed how easy so many things are now that he is out of the house. Whether it be getting the place ready for company, getting in and out of the attic, making travel plans… he made everything so fucking difficult. And then of course when things went badly because he’s fucking crazy and was horrible at logical thinking or planning it was my fault. I have to rethink my approach to so many things that I approach with dread, because he trained me to think they are impossible and drama filled. And it’s so true… it was to make sure I never made a demand of him again. Even my father, who is nice and generally does not say unkind things made the observation that “Asshole-Ex just seemed to resent having to be an adult. Like the usual tasks of being an adult were just a lot of trouble for him.”

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  CAGal

Ditto! Douche bag was highly capable when he wanted to be, such as in his career or when he wanted to impress someone. However he was a complete fucking toddler when it came to our marriage.

What makes me sad is that I saw a red flag in the first couple months of our relationship: I was doing way more for him than he ever did for me. I asked him to install some shelves in the closet. In the four years we live there together he never did. I gave up asking him. For 24 years I had to either go without or hire things done if I couldn’t do it myself.

that’s why having him gone is actually easier.

brit
brit
7 years ago

Motherchumper~
When my son was three-years-old, I asked X to put shelves up in his bedroom to display his toys. My son is 23 years old now and the shelves were never put up.

He was more than enthusiastic to do things to impress someone or bring attention to himself but never for me or our son. When I’d ask him to do anything he would respond with “not right now.”
If I’d ask again he’d answer annoyed then say “I told you I would do it,” not right now.

There were many red flags I ignored while we were dating that I should have paid attention to. One which always stood out is early in our relationship one morning after he stayed the night I was getting ready to leave for work and as we were walking out the door I asked him take my garbage out to the dumpster not far from my apartment. He hesitated as if he was about to say no, I must have had a WTF look on my face, because I remember it being an awkward moment. He took the bag to the dumpster but it was definitely not without hesitation.

X never planned or made a suggestion for one event, vacation or day out for our us or our family.

CAgal, It didn’t matter what it was X would turn the smallest suggestion, idea into something catastrophic. I don’t care what it was he’d complain or think he was doing more than his fair share even though he did nothing. Never planned anything for us, if we were to go out for the day he’d complain about carrying a lawn chair and want to know what I was carrying. This would be after I had packed everything, bought what we needed to go and researched the place etc.
Same coming back from a vacation unloading the car and luggage. He’d want to know what I brought in from the car. I’m the one who packed, washed and ironed clothes, and when we get back who runs to the grocery store no matter how tired we are, then come home and cook dinner while unpacking and doing our laundry.

Tempest~X would announce anything he had done repeatedly through out the day.
Chump, I emptied the garbage, Chump did you notice the trash is emptied?
I put my clothes away.. yes, it was very much like living with a toddler or a learning disabled teenager with an oppositional disorder.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit? You are going to LOVE being on you own and meeting up with meh.
Your life sounds like mine – that unpacking a car from a trip, running to the grocery store exhausted, to make something for dinner after scrubbing ugly pans we cooked burgers on.. He rarely helped me unpack, unload and run things up the hill. Thankfully, it kept me in good shape but I also had to feed many dogs he never helped with. It bugs me 4 yrs later he never actually saw all I did, and in the end, told me I was lazy when I’d be on the computer – never mind I was reading a book and was fully aware of his presence. Good grief! Fine. Fucker.

“I can’t believe how much I was controlled.”
Quote from ‘Lost in America’ movie – Albert Brooks

The Ex-orcist
The Ex-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit-
What a fucking asshole
They do this so you don’t ask them to ever do it again
Lazy puke face whorefucking demons

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Oh hell yes Brit !!! He made everything hard! The first year after he died that I did my own taxes (it was my second tax season, I let the accountant do the complicated one right after I closed down his business) I was scared to death to do them because he would sit at his computer and scream, bellow, curse, demand, harass and abuse be while I scurried around getting him every last scrap of paper he demanded.

When I finished the taxes, I said to myself “That was it? That is what he abused me over? asshole”. He didn’t do a fucking thing around the house without griping and resentment.

whodoesthat
whodoesthat
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

This is so funny – my fucktard used to stomp about the house like some sort of performance just to put a shelf up. Then after several massive holes in the wall later, cursing and yelling for help even though we were all standing around like scared rabbits he blamed not having the right tools…. yep – I have to agree – his tool was crap.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I always got a list of what he’d done “for me.” There is no partnership with an asshole.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

This has been my experience too. My ex would act like he was the only one expending an effort and really turning simple events into occasion for glaring and grumpiness. It’s so nice to discover these “real life” moments don’t have to be filled with anger and drama.

KJ
KJ
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Love this Martha! I hope you feel as proud of yourself as I felt of you reading that! Look how far you’ve come in just 10 months, its incredible! And you now have a whole life ahead of you cheater-free, pain-free, lies-free. It must feel absofuckinglutely glorious!! ❤

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Beautifully and clearly written, this is exactly the point that I am at too with crazy lady.

The Chump struggle is real
The Chump struggle is real
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Beautifully explained, love this!!

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Love it. Well done.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
7 years ago

Moment of MEH:

When I found out he has cancer…and it really didn’t phase me. at. all.

Not totally to MEH…with one step at a time, it is on the horizon!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

The last hurdle was when The Limited came to my granddaughters therapy session after abandoning her for over two years.

He simply said I miss you without owning his shit. I got the call the night before that he was going to be there.

When she ignored him and didn’t come up with a time to fiit him into her schedule he looked distressed. He lived ten minutes from her home

I never looked at him directly or said a word to him. I had no emotion sitting there. The only thing I said wss that I had her on the weekends and that wouldn’t change.

Later she said I could give a fuck about seeing him. It had nothing to do with me and yet her mother stated later that I had the power to encourage her to see him

I have no such power. I never did. A I was taunted by the slunT for two years. She mocked me repeatedly saying she was a grandmother,ran me off the road, and made fun of me for crying after DDay.

I hung in there and did what mattered every weekend. And now he cries and blames.

I saw a pathetic man that day who now lives with his actions. It is sad that he still has no insight and can’t self reflect or take responsibility.

This was the turning point for me as I no longer care. I’ve made the changes and done the work. My life is mine. Meh

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Gosh Doingme, our stories have always had striking similarities with the whole covert narc thing. The genders are just merely reversed.

”He simply said I miss you without owning his shit.” – I received a lot of that even though I was no contact. She would call my youngest and say “pass your phone to Daddy” – Bitch! – this was a year ago.

She would then dump a very well assorted medley of sad sausage cliché’s. She was usually shit-bagged when she was doing this. Rinse. Repeat. Next day. Same Time. Same “Bat Channel”.

Now, keep in mind I was at Meh during this time. But eventually I texted her and told her to stop and I wasn’t comfortable speaking via phone with my abuser – only email/text and only kid related.

Her narc injuries then propelled her to ramp up her narc abuse and make my life – and my kids life – a living hell. That was almost a year ago.

As most of you know, I have full custody now, but she is still fighting. She is still convinced she did nothing wrong to have the kids pulled from the original 50/50 custody agreement. “It’s a set up” – “It’s all exaggerated.” Not sure how you can exaggerate when I have tangible proof that she is telling the kids that she hates them OR telling them to ditch school OR telling them to lie to me OR driving them drunk on documented dozens of time OR passing out in front of kids under the Christmas tree OR I can go on and on and on….

So, I know what Meh is because I achieved Meh. But when someone is fucking with your kids – all Meh is off!!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Thank you Sure,

Ha, he ever said he missed me,once.
He was attempting to see our granddaughter we had co parented since she was very young.

After DDay he ignored her saying he was ‘away’. I set boundaries around my life and he stopped seeing her.with the exception of a few hours a year.

She was in a treatment program and we had weekly sessions. He invited himself. It’s been 32 fucking months and all he could cough up is, I miss you (to her).

Missing me? Hmm.. He’s with a crazed borderline who hat attachment issues. And him being a covert the last thing he wants is attachment, lol.

He’s in need of supply and I am not accessable therefore, in her time of VULNERABILITY he makes his move. There is no doubt he misses the independence, trust, and unconditional love he had.

Yours is a piece of work. Abandonment is difficult for children and they are at risk for depression and self Abussive behaviors down the road.

I congratulate you for getting full custody. Funny thing is that they give up their future, their children.
It’s what proves to me just how disordered they are.

Meh for me is knowing he can no longer have power and control over me as well as gaining cintrol over my emotions. It’s a long haul. Well worth the energy and work.

Keep on rocking sure!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Agreed … there is no Meh when the kids are in danger. None.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I am divorced over 3.5 years now. Been at Meh for a while. You can really feel the defining moments. The same moments that would of crippled you a year prior. Ahh meh n.

Of course, I am currently embroiled in a child custody war, and its impossible to be at meh. Meh shouldn’t even be in the same sentence with child custody war.

You know you are at meh when you see her/him with another man/woman and you just don’t give a shit because you are too busy living your awesome life.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Sure, I really despise your cheater. No way to be @ meh when the wellbeing of your little ones is on the line. You’ve been on a mission. You’re Sure to be back to meh soon. She is on her way to self-destruction like a freight train that has jumped the track. You’ve got to get your kids out of the way.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Oh one more thing,…

Meh = Indifference

peaceatlast
peaceatlast
7 years ago

One of the most profound things a therapist told me, and it has stuck with me my entire life (and through two marriages and divorces to impaired sick fuck narcs): “The opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference”. It is a state of mind that takes TIME and WORK to arrive there and to stay in that state of mind. I have had to:

* Learn to know and trust that they suck and they will not change
* Learn that their suckiness has nothing to do with me, or anything I have done
* Learn that I can’t fix him
* Learn to tell my kids the truth, in an age appropriate manner, when his behavior was affecting their lives or he was telling lies about me
* Learn that I am better off without him. Better financially. Better emotionally. Better physically. Better spiritually.
* Learn to reconnect with friends and family.
* Learn to recognize Switzerland friends and flying monkeys and rid them from my life
* Learn that his smear campaigns are going to happen, out of my control, and a good opportunity to find out who my true friends are.
* Learn to find my mightiness. This includes trying new things, especially things he told me I sucked at or could not do without him.
* Learn to take back what is mine. My home. My life.
* Learn to change my reactions to his attempts to hoover and to understand his hoovering is just his attempt to continue to abuse me.
* Learn to set healthy boundaries and stick to them
* Learn to go gray rock when I had to have contact
* Learn to go NO CONTACT and stick to it.
* Learn to forgive myself for being a chump and fix my picker.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  peaceatlast

Great list of advice!! Copying to my notes. Thanks! 🙂

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  peaceatlast

Great list peace!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Yes!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Ah, the pleasure of indifference. I saw Hannibal Lecher for the first time in 2 years yesterday. He had the left turn in front of me. I noted, hm, still wearing his characteristic scarf and felt….nothing. Back to my mental to-do list.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yay, Tempest! Feeling nothing for him is a big deal! 🙂

Mehphista
Mehphista
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Booyah! Leave the pusillanimous twit to his bottom-feeding.

CalmityJane
CalmityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest…that is HUGE!

Congratulations!!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Sure chumped. Totally agree. Meh equals indifference. It still smarts at times but the meh is with me!

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
7 years ago

Our son graduates from college Saturday. My son lives with him about 300 yards from me but on another street. We have been divorced about a year. My daughter and I live in a garage apartment so we don’t have room for all the family coming in for the graduation. I actually texted him (usually 98% NC) and asked him if my nephew who is also in college could spent the night with my son at his house. When son first moved back in with ex it hurt like hell. “How come the one who blew our family apart gets son back?” type of pain. But today I feel nothing. I just need another bed and he has an extra one. Simple logistics. I never thought during the breakup and divorce that I wouldn’t hurt anymore but here I am. I DONT CARE! No contact really is they way to meh. It’s time, distance, and the ability to clear your mind from the mind fuck. I wouldn’t have made it without CL/CN. You guys rock!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
7 years ago

Honestly, this man is like nothing to me, like just another ex boyfriend creep.

Took longer to get over than any other ex. But it still feels the same. He’s like a cardboard cut out. It’s like he’s not really there and all the crap that he talks is just…. breeze.

The main thing that bothers me now is his shit parenting skills and him taking me to court for a share of my assets, lots and lots of lies and bullshit. But even that is just annoying, not crushing.

To think of how destroyed I was at the beginning, it’s hard to believe now. I don’t think I’ve moved on, I think that I have a better understanding, I really do trust that he sucks.

Once he told me he was a “good” man and that he was a “good father”, and that he was not seeing anyone while we worked on our marriage and it hurt so much. I quickly realised that when I felt crushed, there was always a LIE at the middle of it. Think about it long enough, you’ll find the incorrect information in the middle of the hurt.

I.e., he was NOT a good man. Not a good father and he was seeing his AP, acceptance is ok.

My mother who has been through a lot had a great quote for me, she said “darling, there is no misery in this world, only facts. When you understand the facts, the misery goes. Every time we learn something that contradicts what we thought we knew, it hurts, you only have to see a crying toddler to see that this is true. The pain comes from letting go of what we believed and learning something new. Once we have understood our new reality, the pain goes”

Jewelsie
Jewelsie
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I love this. I’m copying this and hanging it EVERYwhere.
It’s so true. Great Mother you’ve got there.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
7 years ago
Reply to  Jewelsie

Ha ha. ill show her this. Usually she can’t remember saying these things.

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Cakeless,
Yes! I have experienced the exact same thing, moments of mindful meh. Not worrying about the future, not angry about the past, just existing in the here and now. And savoring the joy of loving my children. I hope that you all feel better soon, and that these moments of mindful meh come more frequently, for both of us. Hugs.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I love that! Thank your mother for me. That is such a brilliant way to frame this whole shit situation. I have found out a truth I didn’t know or want to know. Now I need to accept it as the cold fact it is. Brilliant!

Michiganchump
Michiganchump
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Smart mama!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I love this. You have a smart mama. ❤️

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
7 years ago

Meh is still an elusive and hard to catch little animal, especially this time of year, but a couple days ago I held it fleetingly in my arms and it was an enchanting creature.

The baby and I have been sick all week. She just sick enough to stay home from school, to have explosive pants accidents all day long but to still want to eat all the things that will make them worse i.e. fruit, cheese, cookies for dessert and not want to et the things that will help like yogurt, crackers and rice. I’ve had a horrible cold/sinus infection, fall asleep as soon as I sit down, the house is a disaster and I am so. sick. of. scrubbing. out. toddler. pants….

Maybe it’s due to my feverish mind, being so exhausted I don’t know which end’s up or a combination of both, but we’ve also gotten a ton of snow. Several inches, and my son can’t find the snow shovel he and his brother used to play with last winter. So we’ve been snowed in, sick, DS has had two snow days and it would be one of those times where I used to catch myself thinking if ex were here, I could get some help. Or a nap. Or someone else to cook dinner just this once so I can relax…

Instead, we spent a lot of time curled up on the sofa together under blankets, the family cat included, watching movies and reading books. Wednesday afternoon was especially nice. I had hot tea, my son curled up against my side, the baby in his arms and the cat on his feet, and we watched Kung Fu Panda 3 and I laughed until I almost cried and then, much like zen, I realized I was just existing. Sick as fuck, but happily existing. Not pining for the past, not wishing ex were here, not bitter at my predicament. I had my young children, a warm place to keep us safe and fed, my cat and a silly movie I love.

I see you, meh. And I’m coming for you… Just as soon as I can stand up without feeling dizzy. lol

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago

Love this!!! Sometimes all we need to do is to Be.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

You are so mighty, Cakeless! Keep on being the loving, strong mama.

newme
newme
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Cakeless, if I knew you and we lived close I would so take your kids for the day and night so you could get some rest! Feel better soon!

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago

Cakeless,
Whoops somehow posted my reply to you, on the comment above. Look up 🙂

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

Love it, Cakeless! Hope you all feel better soon.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

Wildly applauding!! Good for you. I hope you feel better soon!

lady jane
lady jane
7 years ago

Sometimes you also have to pretend you’re Meh. Fake it till you make it….blah, blah. You know the drill. It hurts like hell. But you have to choose to not care also. This person has hurt you in a very intimate way. Yes, grieve, but then we have to choose to go on with our lives. Trust they suck.

I’ve had a rough week and it’s sucked me down the ruminating path. I hate that. I’m choosing right now to stop those constantly recurring thoughts. They do no good. It doesn’t change what happened. I only control me.

scharklady
scharklady
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

lady jane
I’m so glad someone else is doing the ‘fake it till you make it’ thing. I’m nowhere near Meh with Fuckwit Supreme. I pretend every day that this path is actually what I wanted. The true part is now I can do all sorts of things I would love to do without his skanky judgy commentary.

Sometimes I just focus on the choices I made and it really helps. I chose to leave an emotionally abusive cheating Fuckwit. I graduated from college with two degrees, got my own place, moved most everything I own, got a new job, and had a baby without his help this year.

Meh may be a long way off, but pretending and acting certainly got me through some tough times.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  lady jane

You go Lady Jane! Control only you! You are mighty!

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago

I think I’m almost at meh. It’s been three years since my world crashed in around me. Two days ago I received a Christmas card from my ex-in-laws. After 30 years of being the “son they never had” they abandoned me quicker than my xw did. Not a word for 3 years and now I get a card? WTF! Since my parents passed a while ago, they were my family. And they just dumped me.

But I believe I’m near meh because I was more amazed than hurt. This “effort” just amazes me in its complete denile of reality. They’re picking up as if nothing ever happened. Just amazing. Meh, here I come. 🙂

Moose
Moose
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Must be something in the punch…
2years out, xmil sends a card to her grandchildren whom she dropped instantly. She has ignored them for 2 years. One child says, “Its a little late, dontcha think.”

That’s MY Kid!

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Moose

Yes! 🙂

NewLife2015
NewLife2015
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

lol–my EIL stalk me on Facebook like crazy…liking everything I post. Honestly, it’s more annoying then anything else. They dropped me within days of MASSHOLE walking out…and never, ever bothered to check on me. After everything I did for them…at least with them, I’m totally at meh.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  NewLife2015

My TBXIL were easy to dump. MIL a narcissist- everything is about her. Of course her children are perfect. Her son would never be a lying, cheating, crap father – it has to be my fault.
I have occasional twinges about SILs – I thought we were close, but they were hoping for Switzerland and that ain’t happening.
I unfriended the whole family on Facebook. If they want a relationship with my kids, they have to go through their defective offspring.
I didn’t buy them Xmas gifts this year for the first time- I did toys for tots, winter coats for recent immigrants, and other great stuff with that time and money.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

STBXIL
soon to be ex in laws

newme
newme
7 years ago

Louisvilleflower I did the same thing with his family, blocked them all off my facebook. I will give it about a month before my XMIL will be friends with the whore her son left our 27 year marriage for.

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

OMG ****** I just realized I received their card on a Tuesday! 12/13. I’m so close I can taste it. 🙂

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Mark711,

If you are no contact with your ex, stay no contact with the ex-inlaws. Not sure if they are narcs, but narcs hoover (try to suck you back in) around the holidays.

Try not to take it personally with the in-laws dropping you. It seems this type of behavior is more common than people remaining in their lives. The parents usually stick with the cheater. I look at it that I’m better off with them not in my life. They were a bunch of takers in my situation, so not having those emotional vampires in my life is very freeing. And the fact that someone can just drop someone says more about them then it says about you.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Marked711

Yay for you, Marked711!

The family systems with the perfected denial of reality are a real bonus, aren’t they? Just like nothing at all happened.

Have a great cheater-free holiday!!

newme
newme
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Marked711, my mother-in-law dropped me faster then you can blink after being part of the family for 32 years. the day I threw her shithead son out, was the day she stopped talking to me. I was her only DIL and mother of her grandkids.

David2016
David2016
7 years ago

My own manifestation of self-pity and anger is that I absolutely know I would have been completely ensconced in the Land of Meh four years ago, XW a distant memory, had I not had children with her. (Don’t get me wrong: my kids are my world; I’m not suggesting I regret having them!) But complete NC being an impossibility, just when I start unpacking my bags in the Land of Meh, boom–up she pops with some new stupid move (a drop of parental alienation here, threats of court there) and Meh fades away. Eight years until my youngest is 18 and I will run for the Mayor of Meh.

unencumbered
unencumbered
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

I feel this constantly – well on the way to Meh, and then he pulls a new shitty move. The latest – moving 1300 miles away even though his kids and job are here, leaving me with the kids 90% of the time, refusing to any kind of parenting schedule (he just wants to see them when it’s convenient for him – and they have to fly there, he doesn’t want to be here). I am also counting the years…I have 6 more until my youngest goes to college.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

At least you have a road map and a plan of where you want to get to, David! That in itself is progress. Stay strong, remember that you are worth so much more.

I’ll vote for you when you run for office.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

I think my very first was right after the divorce and I made him host our son’s graduation party. I didn’t do a thing to help. I did show up, realized what a mess things were, bought some ice for him, but basically let him deal with it. Later, a woman showed up that had written me on Facebook, I guess she had been sleeping with him and wanted to tell me things, which I ignored. I was very nice to her and introduced myself. I hugged guests and laughed and truly had a nice time with old friends while he kept staring at me, which I was told because I was ignoring him. Then I left without helping to clean up, which is basically what he did to me for 20 years, had his fun and left. Super meh!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

“left without cleaning up.” Oh, that’s just so AWESOME!!!! And MIGHTY!! 🙂

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

“Then I left without helping clean up …” excellent metaphor!!!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

SUPER MEH!!

Anny
Anny
7 years ago

I was with him off and on for over a decade. Finally after two moves further and further away, we stopped seeing each other. Three years after that, I stumbled across a picture of his 3 year old daughter, whom was born just one month after I saw him last. It was then that I realized that I was truly over it. It was a glorious “meh.” QueenMother is right…even though we stopped seeing each other, we still corresponded on very rare occasion but it started to dwindle away. The last message I got was last Christmas, and I did respond but he must’ve gotten the hint because that was the end of all correspondence. No “I miss you,” no “Happy Birthday, doll,” nothing. And it’s wonderful. I thought I would never feel this way…that this man could sway me back into his arms till the day I die. I’m still single and I’m happy. If the right person ever comes along, I’ll be ready but I am also perfectly content with solitude. I like myself and I respect myself…now.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  Anny

Good for you to get that ahhh moment. It’s more than just Meh.

Anny
Anny
7 years ago
Reply to  IamAphool

So very true.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  Anny

Gods for you to get that ahhh moment. It’s more than just Meh.

little red riding hood
little red riding hood
7 years ago

NC, is the only way to meh. I have educated myself about all that shitstorms that swirl around these walking narc tornados. The gaslighting, the blameshifting.
I had to have limited contact because of child issues , I kept tight boundries and would stick right to the point and shut my ringer off after information was givin, bye fellicia …
I have come along way from the days of checking phone all day to see if i would get a crumb, or hoping he would walk out of a gasbag filled mid life crisis fog.
I trust he sucks all day long and so does his flying monkey family, i thank god everyday I’m free !!!
I finally have peace emotionally ( I never ever thought it would come). It was the hardest life lesson, I have ever been thru. Please believe it comes.
The only way i can describe what happened to me is, getting
a bungee jumping harness on and telling the instructer, I’m afraid, don’t let go and they kick you off of a cliff. I would cling on for dear life as the instructer would pull me up a bit then drop me some more, finally I let go and was free falling saying holy shit, holy shit…and then i took in the big view, and its amazing.
I will never let anyone throw me off a cliff again.

Heissobroken
Heissobroken
7 years ago

+ 1

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago

Our divorce was finalized about 2 months ago and dday was almost a year ago.

I’m not at Meh yet. I still think about the asshole everyday. Mostly with anger and disappointment. Even wonder how he’s doing. Or who he’s doing. But it is dissipating, slowly.

When divorce was finalized we walked out of the court together. He cried and hugged me. I didn’t show him any tears. I gave him a quick hug. Told him it’s not my job to comfort him anymore. Walked away. Blocked his number on my phone and have been no contact since. That has helped but I still have a ways to go to get to Meh.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  IamAphool

Two years, Iamaphool, give yourself two years. In the meantime, let the rage monkey have free range; anger emotionally distances you in a way nothing else can.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks Tempest – hope you’re right.

Kath
Kath
7 years ago

I’m having a DDay tonight (I’m in Australia). I separated from DH in June because my instincts were screaming that he was more than just good friends with his female best friend. For months I’ve been vilified as a crazy person, he’s just helping her through her divorce and he’s bad mouthed me to all and sundry for leaving him.
Tonight her ex husband showed me screenshots of their text messages, gave lots of information and basically confirmed everything I “knew”.
Feels good to know but stings like a bitch and with perfect timing my brother (the lawyer) arrives tomorrow for a visit. I’m going to put him to work.
Meh is a promised land for me. I’m gutted.

kharless73
kharless73
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

Gaslighting us when we know something is going on is their signature move. I knew something was going on and he lied over and over that there wasn’t…..2 months later he told me he was having an affair – but emotional affair only. I didn’t think that was true, but he swore it was…..4 months later he finally admitted they had been having sex, and they still were.

I am now almost 5 years past that, and nearly 4 years past the divorce. I finally trusted that he sucked about 2 years ago. It took that long. Maybe that was because we had been together for 23 years since we were 16/17….or maybe it was because of other hurts in my past (addict father). Who knows, but I got there. And I trust my intuition now. I no longer question when my alarms go off in my head. I trust them and act accordingly. It took therapy, medicine for depression, and Chump Nation but I’m more me now that I might have been since I was 9, frankly.

If you have not read the book that Tracy wrote, please do. It is transforming. I am certain it saved me from the brink.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

Jedi Hugs Kath! It will get better with truth out there, he can’t gaslight you anymore.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

Now you know what you are up against. Now you will know your instincts are sound. And so very glad your brother will be able to take care of the legal end. It’s still painful as hell, but you are on the road to healing–and Meh.

Heissobroken
Heissobroken
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

Kath – that’s terrible. I had the same feeling and just “knew.” He never confirmed and continues to deny but he is living with her ? Cheaters are ridiculous liars.

NewLife2015
NewLife2015
7 years ago
Reply to  Heissobroken

XH still denies the affair, but they were married in less than 8 months after the divorce…and she had Sunday dinner with his family four days after he left. They are honestly shameless.

ChumpedinDenver
ChumpedinDenver
7 years ago
Reply to  NewLife2015

My STBXH took skanky-whore’s-a-lot to his cousin’s wedding in another state with his parents less than 2 months after we separated, but still to this day expects me to believe that he met her the week we separated. He’s currently pissed the the judge still hasn’t set final orders 4 months after the trial, and I’m speculating it’s because he wants to propose for Christmas. I honestly think he’d already be married if the judge would just rule.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago

Oh I hope the Judge does it – then he can marry Schmoopie! Now why the hell would any sane person want to get married again so quickly? Oh sorry, I forgot he’s not sane. But we all know how that marriage will work out don’t we. Blessings to you. A

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Heissobroken

Pathological liars, part of their lying besides covering up is a method of control.
They feel power over the Chump by lying. Making Chump and others believe something
they know isn’t true gives control of those who they perceive as less educated, beneath them.
Ridicule and creating doubt is one of my X’s favorite things to do when anyone mentions me.
X refers to me as the parasite…, I wasn’t the parasite when he was unemployed and I stuck by him and encouraged him to keep applying and getting the education he needed to get his dream job.
No, I wasn’t a parasite moving all over the country so he could advance in his job.
Or when he was away from home for weeks flying all over the world. Meanwhile I lived in the middle of nowhere away from family and friends with our toddler son. He didn’t think was a parasite when X talked me into sacrificing my career so he could succeed in his. At that time he referred to it as “our job.” “Our job” with great insurance which he knew was so important to me
is his job and he couldn’t care much less about me.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Makes me so sad and pissed to hear these stories. People get put away for stealing, assaulting, trespassing, involuntary manslaughter, just to name a few – why the hell not for cheating? They deliberately hurt us in so many ways, steal so much from us, abandon their responsibilities, ruin lives, or try to….yet they get away with it. And don’t tell me Karma will get them one day.

Be Strong Brit

kharless73
kharless73
7 years ago
Reply to  IamAphool

Before coming to grips with Switzerland friends and flying monkeys, I kept trying to explain to my “friends” that what he did was every bit as brutal as beating me. I would ask them to imagine that every lie he said, every time he screwed her/called her/texted her, every dollar he spent on her, was a bruise on me. It was assault and burglary. That was too icky for them to think about though. I must be exaggerating.

The only thing I exaggerated was my naive belief that these people were my friends and loved me. That they has a sense of empathy. I’m relieved to say that you can get to Meh with them too. Some I have cut out all together, while others I have remained acquaintances but limit their access to my heart and soul.

From this exercise it is clear to me that society will never leverage appropriate punishment for a cheater. It can be infuriating to see the injustice. And I haven’t seen karma take care of my XH either. I have finally reached acceptance that the general population does not want to be bothered with the icky reality. It is too easy to say it isn’t their problem. It used to fill me with rage, but I finally found a way to be at peace with it. At least most days…. 😉

vanessa
vanessa
7 years ago
Reply to  kharless73

Four states in the US still consider adultery a crime. I live in one of those four. I chose not to file under adultery and cost him and his trampy AP their jobs (they work together of course) because I decided “he has the power to take away my marriage, but he does NOT have the power to change the type of person I choose to be.” There have certainly been days when I wish I had ripped them both to shreds and left them jobless and maybe homeless, but those days are few and far between and are only the really BAD days.
And one day, when you are living your happy cheater free life, it will somehow come to your attention that the karma bus came by while you were busy living that awesome life and ran the fuckwit over.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

So sorry you found out you were right. But better to know the truth. Hang in there.

Kath
Kath
7 years ago
Reply to  IamAphool

Thank you, it’s 1am, I’m trying to stop making myself crazy thinking about the crazy! Easier said than done.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  Kath

Very true Kath – its been almost 11 months since i found out – i dont know how I got through it, but like all of us here, I did and still getting through it…and you will too. The first couple of months, maybe even longer, are painful as anything you’ll ever experience. Just take it day by day and let yourself cry and be angry and hurt, but then know, don’t let one person take over your life.

I read this article just yesterday because I still need help moving forward. One quote from it is hard to accept, but the truth:

“You need to focus on looking forward, forgetting what you’ve “lost” and ask if it was a loss. The ultimate realization is when you accept that you did not lose anything that had any real value; you merely were shown you were investing your life and time into the wrong person.”

Its still raw for you so hang in there. Baby steps..keep coming here and sharing and reading. It really does help.

d2
d2
7 years ago

Here’s the best “meh” song ever:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4tefnQGtNY

QueenMother
QueenMother
7 years ago
Reply to  d2

LOL!!

Thank you —

“Hell no!!!”

d2
d2
7 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I hereby nominate Ingrid Michaelson as ChumpNation’s official mascot!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
7 years ago
Reply to  d2

Absolutely love this, d2. Should be played every morning until meh…

d2
d2
7 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

The video’s just priceless…

Heissobroken
Heissobroken
7 years ago

Get a text from Fucktard: “can you let me know if I will be getting son for xmas if at all”

Sad sausage ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

My response: Christmas Eve to noon Christmas!

Him: what time can I pick him up?

My response: what time do you want to pick him up? (Look at me all coparenting and shit – JK – I just like to let him think he has some tiny control over something in his life.)

Him: 12:00 pm

My response: ?

Meh one text at a time which are become less and less!!!

NewLife2015
NewLife2015
7 years ago
Reply to  Heissobroken

AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME

YOU ARE MIGHTY!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

When cheaters discard their partners without a backward glance, no contact is their choice. “Meh” for me in this instance came at the moment I realized that Disappeared Jackass when the light came on and I FELT that the man I still kinda sorta wanted back was a fraud.

Jackass has a good bit of “book intelligence” and talent in the manual arts. He also developed from a young age expertise in his field. He has built businesses, worked for others, taught, been an expert witness, etc. I bought into his assertion that he was the smartest, the best, etc., based on what he told me (never mind the red flags and the way he blameshifted to explain them away).

I told this story the other day, but when I moved into my current home, I paid Jackass to help me get everything in the best shape possible. Everywhere he looked he saw a doomsday problem–the shed needed to be torn down before it collapsed; the bathroom had to be gutted; the sewage stack had to be replaced. Problems with the water lines! Doom. Thousands and thousands of dollars. He of course could do it all! And as all of this was going on, he was gaslighting me about his own living arrangements and plans for the future. By the time he was supposed to move in with me, he was already in contact with the MOW, which explained his interest in moving in with mommy–who lived around the corner from his new love interest. The calls diminished, although his basement was full of his furniture. He wouldn’t make plans to see me. A month later and he had discarded me completely. Meanwhile, I am worried about all of these awful house problems and wondering where I would find thousands of dollars to fix them. And the worst part? I measured all my own efforts by whether they would come up to Jackass standards.

Six months after D-Day, when the polar vortex was a memory, I had an friend who is an expert in building construction and maintenance walk the house and property so I could get ready to tackle the list of doomsday problems Jackass has provided. The my friend thought I had lost my mind. The bathroom is fine. The shed was fine, too. The noises in the water lines–nothing. And the expert shut some valve that eliminated the air in the line and the noise. 1 minute. He said the house is in fine shape and I could take my time making changes and improvements. The moment he said the shed was fine I thought “Jackass is full of shit. He was wrong about everything.” Then–“Whoa. I thought he was smart, but…” And suddenly, he was no longer something precious I had lost; he was a bullet I had dodged.

I had spent that six months worried about all of these non-problems that Mr. Stupid Jackass had imagined. I wonder now if this wasn’t a giant gaslighting operation or if he is just stupid. Either way, he was down off the pedestal for good, not even just an ordinary person in my mind but someone who is repulsively cruel and indifferent. If he really thought all that stuff was wrong, how could he leave me to deal with it? If he was gaslighting…wow. Very cruel.

My college-boy house painter had the idea of turning it into a woodshed, which my construction friend did for–$85. A year later, I made the floor myself, with support and supervision. Voila–woodshed. This spring, I will finish the trellis for the sweet pea vines that frame the door and replace a cracked window. The bathroom will get a makeover–but probably just a re-painted vanity for now (I’m dying to try it) and a new light and mirror. No need to gut the place. I will do most of it myself with help from the Very Kind Man. And Jackass–after 35 years of pseudo-friendship–is no longer my standard for “doing things right”; he’s just a bad experience that taught me that no one is all that and a bag of chips.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Those moments of clarity are priceless. To see their lack of character, and to know they are not the “all that and a bag of chips” that they proclaim, causes a paradigm shift. Our main task is disengagement; seeing the cheater/abuser for who they are is critical to that disengagement.

Attie
Attie
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Oh my goodness, when you know that anything that is yours will be spoilt but his goddamn guitars were wrapped in angel floss! I know this sounds silly but I bought a pretty table cover for the garden table and then a plastic “flowery” cover to cover that for when it rained. I had only just put it on when I KNEW he would spoil it that day – and of course it had cigarette burns on it within about 2 hours. Stupid I know but why is it impossible to stop them spoiling your “pretty” stuff when their own stuff is wrapped in cotton wool?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Attie

My XH the drinker was Dr. Destructo of anything I cared about. Honestly, I still can’t believe what he broke over the years. And not a bit sorry about it.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Sad, but true story. Met my STBX the first day of college. He lived across the hall. He walked into my room and immediately broke something of mine. After he apologized and left, I told my roommate “NEVER let that guy back in our room…”
Sigh. If only I had stuck with it.

IamAphool
IamAphool
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

That is awesome. Things weren’t as bad as they seemed – and for you, use it everyday.

d2
d2
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Anybody who isn’t twisted can have real problems grasping that some people, like this guy, are masters of the self-serving fake reality. Glad you were able to disengage from his.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

***my basement was full of his furniture. And dear God, that was not a Freudian slip.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

He married a woman he had know for a couple of weeks just days after the ink dried on the divorce. They divorced about a year later, I presume because he discovered his dalliance with the teenager he married shortly thereafter.

I knew for sure that I was at “meh” when wife #2 asked mutual friends for my number so she could commiserate with me. They asked me if it would be ok to share my number, and I laughed out loud, then said “no, no, I don’t think that will work for me, thank you for asking first”.

Of course, since we had wreckonciled for over a year, I already had a head start toward “meh”. There were so many fuckbuddies. So many lies to me and about me. All I wanted was out, and when I got that gift, I didn’t ever want to go back in there.

The more energy you put into rebuilding you with as little of the cheater as possible, the faster you get to meh. That’s why as little contact as possible is so important.

You’re a phoenix! Nobody can keep you in ashes. It’s your nature to be reborn. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I write this stuff on my phone, and between autoincorrect and typos, sometimes stuff comes out wrong. I trust you’ll figure out the things I meant above, such as *she figured it out, meaning wife #2. 🙂

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

He married a teenager?!? What is wrong with these creeps?

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago

I knew I’d reached the land of Meh when I sat in the same hospital room with my ex all afternoon the day he came to visit our first grandchild. My ex uncharacteristically got up and hugged me when I entered the room and said, “Congratulations, Grandma.” This was nice, but didn’t spark any strong feelings in me. We all sat around talking, and then I left and my ex and I just kind of waved goodbye. I didn’t cry or fall apart, or long for our family to be together again. I did get teary eyed looking at the picture my son wanted to take of me and his dad standing next to each other holding the baby. After looking at it awhile, I put it away. When I looked at it the next day, it didn’t hurt any more.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago

I had a big reinforcement of Meh just this past weekend. One of our kids had a milestone event and I spent several hours with my ex, his current wife and my ex-in-laws. I faced them all by myself — no posse of my own in tow! (I’m very much happily single!)

Ex is still an idiot and made an ass out of himself a few times (nothing directed at me, just general acts of idiocy) but it didn’t bother me one bit because he is not my problem anymore!!! His wife, mother and our son were obviously embarrassed by stupid comments he made. I, however, sat there thinking how GLAD I was that I am no longer part of that dysfunction! I felt nothing but relief that I didn’t feel a need to apologize to anyone for his behavior. Our son, unfortunately, still carries that burden. But, he knows to expect that kind of stuff from his dad, and he forewarned his guests in advance so it wouldn’t come as a complete shock. Even so, there were a few jaw-dropping moments during dinner conversation… The man has NO filters whatsoever and offensive remarks just slide off his tongue. He really has no clue.

Tracy is right — getting to Meh is a gradual process. It took me about 5 years to fully process my emotions and rewire my thought patterns. I think having children together adds to the difficult task of emotionally disconnecting. I had 23 years of marriage to a covert narcissistic, abusive wolf in sheep’s clothing from which to recover and sort through. Educate yourself and continue to work on healing yourself. CN is a wonderful resource and support group! You are worth it and you will find happiness in life again!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

“It took me about 5 years to fully process my emotions and rewire my thought patterns. I think having children together adds to the difficult task of emotionally disconnecting.”

Over and Out, this rings true to me. It often felt like my brain was going through a rewiring process, much like a computer that’s getting upgraded to a new system. My neurological pathways had structured themselves around the 36 year centrality of my husband, and had to forge all new connections when he abruptly extricated himself. It would be very interesting if someone could map the brain of a chump during the process of betrayal and recovery. Even more interesting if they could compare it to the cheater’s during the same time period.

Scott
Scott
7 years ago

I have 2 Meh moments within the last 2 months. I am about 3 years out from D-Day and 1.5 years of being officially divorced.

About 2 months ago, my XW gave our daughter her old phone. Guess what? Yep, she never erased any of her messages from the last 4 years. I backed the phone up and downloaded some software and read every last email. Yes, I was a basket case for about a week, but you know what? She and her AP have already hit rough waters, and she is playing the same games with him as she did with me. When he wanted to pull back from the relationship because his daughter was having a tough time getting along with my XW, she pressured him to go all in, and they bought a house together. How stupid? Let’s see how long things last? He’s her bitch now. Meh 1.

I was reading Chumplady a few weeks ago about being divorced during the holidays, and it caused me to think about all the things I do not miss about my XW, especially spending time with her family. They are so dysfunctional, and I am not going to miss one thing about him. Her dad is a drunk who loves to pick fights with everyone once he has tied one on. I don’t have to deal with him. Her mom would often change plans at the last minute, because her husband and my XW did not get along. We would get a call the day before we were supposed to leave, and she would cancel on us, and my XW would be devastated. Finally, my XW would always complain about what I got her, or that I did not help enough, when all I did was take care of the kids and get the house ready for the holidays. Now, I have a lovely, relaxing holiday with no drunk, inconsiderate, and ungrateful people. Meh 2.

NfV
NfV
7 years ago

I have learned that there are many ways of moving on. Not only from Captain Underpants and Narcissa California, but also from Chump Nation. It’s been such a wonderful help and resource for the past 4 years. I’m not sure how I would have gotten over without it. But most of my cohort have moved on.

Then, I also learned that (being an internet communication place) people misunderstand each other here, blame gets flung around, there are mean girl clubs. You can easily get accused of things you didn’t say or mean. You can fuck up, and no one asks, “why”, it’s just a pig pile of…”wow are you ever a Big Bad Person.”

So then you get to a growth point where you are Meh about CL and CN, because it’s painful (and basically you need to go NC), and also, it doesn’t serve your needs any more.

I think that actually may be a step in the direction of getting a life?

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

In the less than a year that I’ve been on this blog, I’ve only seen maybe a dozen times where people got nasty, etc.

One post was taken completely down. OW sent in a letter and CL replied to it. I saw the beginning of the comments from that post as I usually read CL first thing in the morning.

The political post I think I stayed away from, but I did read some of the comments.

99.99% of this blog has been helpful and supportive. I can see that some people are closer “friends” as they get each other just like in every day life you click better with some people. It only makes sense that would happen on a blog. I’ve never seen a Mean Girls club. Everyone has been kind, helpful and supportive to me. I honestly don’t know where I’d be at today without CL and CN. I’m sure someday I won’t be reading every day, but I’m not there yet.

This whole thing made me feel so lonely in the beginning. I can’t tell you how many people told me to “Get over it.” Or that I shouldn’t still be grieving. Or “You’ll find another man again.” And lots and lots of other stuff that was hurtful. I have had people in my life that have listened to me and have helped me tremendously. And I’m so grateful for that! But CL and CN has made me feel less lonely in this. I’ve gotten so much healing in sharing my story and hearing others stories. No one gets a chump like a fellow chump! And if real life, people get tired of hearing your story. And sometimes you need to tell your story over and over again in order to process and make sense of what happened to you. For sure last February my brain was still hurting. It was a mess of memories, thoughts and questions. CL gave me the platform to tell my story and to continue to tell my story by commenting on other peoples stories. And I also realized that people were finding “a-ha” moments for themselves in my story, which brought a bit of healing to them. That made me feel good. That my mess was helping someone else to heal a bit.

CL and CN is definitely the most helpful blog I found in the last two years. I will NEVER feel meh towards it. Meh is indifference. I feel brotherly love towards it. 🙂

I need peace
I need peace
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Chump lady has kept me grounded and as happy as possible and I will be forever grateful. Period.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

Wow–you must have been reading a different blogsite. I’ve rarely read anything close to what you’ve mentioned.

Yes, if you wander off of CN, maybe you are approaching Meh; being dependent on anyone or anything besides yourself is not growing, and this site is about growing strong and independent if it’s about anything.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

Rambling story to come, stay with me.
I was at a store today after I had dropped my youngest kid off at school. I was looking around and a young woman came into the store. She asked the clerk if he knew where such-and-such elementary school was because she needed to find it and her directions had gotten her lost. The clerk looked confused but I walked over to her and said “I know where it is, let me help.” Why? Because I heard mama panic in her voice. I recognized immediately the sound of a scared mother. It has been a while since I’ve experienced it myself, but I have been there, and I will never forget feeling scared, and worried, and needing to get to my kid. So I reassured her: my kid goes there, they have great staff. She shared that her kindergartener was ill and she got a call from the nurse and needed to get there. I showed her the way on my phone, gave her a hug, and sent her on her way.

I am that scared Chump right now, and CN is the friendly stranger. It makes me feel safer, the recognition that I am trying to do the right thing but get lost sometimes, and the safety net that people here will nudge me if I get off track. CN is my village. It is the kindness of strangers.
People here hear the anguish in my words and offer comfort. I am so, so grateful.
Someday, I know I won’t need to come here everyday. But I know that I will always be able to recognize the pain that others chumps feel. And I hope to always be able to offer comfort, even if I just tell some sobbing woman in the grocery store about this site.
CL is a guardian ass-kicking, tell-it-to-you-straight angel. Her book, her columns and especially this site have saved so many of us, giving us just what we needed just when we needed it.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Well said, Louisvilleflower. You have a gift with words. I’m in total agreement with your sentiments towards CL and CN. I’m on the other side of divorce now, but will always hold a place in my heart for this community.

Hugs.

moominmamma
moominmamma
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

This site keeps me sane- ish. If there ever comes a time when I don’t need it anymore, my gratitude is still going to be here, permeating the internet. Meh is for things that deserve indifference.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

It seems universally true to me that in any group of people that meets regularly, a similar mix of personalities crops up. Some of the personalities won’t mesh well with mine and some won’t mesh well with yours. Yours won’t mesh well with some, and mine won’t mesh well with some.

Sub-groups will form that feel like a lifesaver to some and a clique to others. Some people who aren’t very nice will loudly spew vitriol and call it truth telling. Some people will troll the joint. Some will use it as a platform to push personal agendas and sell things. I have yet to join any group that didn’t include these personality types and more.

We live in a diverse world, so part of hanging out in e-space like this is choosing to either tolerate that diversity or move on to a group that fits your desires better. Neither is better than the other, but the beauty of it is that you get to choose.

I originally chose to join the conversation even though my divorce is many years old because the support I never had then still helps now, even years into meh. I stay because sometimes I can help someone else, and I like giving back.

There are some conversations I choose to avoid. I sometimes get replies that make it clear to me that the responder didn’t understand me at all. Written word lacks many components of communication. Misunderstanding is more likely than unlikely. It happens.

It’s great that you found the support you needed here to move on. That is a beautiful thing. I hope all bright things fill your future for always!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  NfV

NfV
I get the point about moving on eventually from CL and CN as your life becomes about other things than the cheating and the cheater and you’ve fixed your FOO stuff and your picker and so you can cycle off into the world without your chump stabilising wheels. And you may just need to check in eventually to re-set or re-learn something or feel like helping a few newbies.
BUT. It’s not ‘meh’ and never will be for me. I will never be indifferent to the life saving support I have had here.
And apart from the recent politics posts which did get a bit shrill I don’t recognise any of this

“people misunderstand each other here, blame gets flung around, there are mean girl clubs. You can easily get accused of things you didn’t say or mean. You can fuck up, and no one asks, “why”, it’s just a pig pile of…”wow are you ever a Big Bad Person.”

I have only been here a few months so maybe it has changed here but I have never seen any of this at all. I have the utmost respect for the kindness and civility and generosity and sheer honesty of the posts under the most difficult circumstances. The forum is also a great place to express pain or frustration or anything else with CL and/or chump nation if that’s what you need.

You obviously have learned so much and can be of so much help to us newbies so I hope you do feel it’s ok to come back occasionally and give us a hand up!

I think I will be here for a long time! And I’m not beating myself up for that. It’s my journey and I have a lot to fix and get over but if this site is always part of that I don’t consider that a failing. We all have different needs and ways of coping.

I wish you every happiness!!!

ChumpDude
ChumpDude
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn, thank you for this! Your words feel like my words. I will be here for a long time as well. The support here so far has at times brought me to happy tears and helped me come in touch with my anger (which has been the hardest part for me). Here I don’t feel judged. Here I can let the darkest sides of my emotions show. Here I feel seen and validated.

CeliA
CeliA
7 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDude

^ Ditto.

However I can also see NfV’s point about gaining a life. Sometimes CN/CL becomes like a crutch. Something to hold on and grasp to. Which is why I also sometimes wonder if I should ever move on someday.

But, I think I will still check back here every so often. There is no other place like CN/CL for me. This place will forever be in my heart.

Miromesnil
Miromesnil
7 years ago

Meh moment for me…. 16 months post d-day, 7 months post divorce… I decide to tell my ex that I planned to introduce my girlfriend (of 5 months) to the boys. We had previously verbally agreed that we would always notify each other prior to introduction. I had envisioned that moment as something that would bring me tremendous pleasure to flaunt how I had moved on to someone better in sooo many different ways (I am pretty sure her AP dumped her). The conversation which was mostly unremarkable brought me no personal pleasure. I would have preferred to keep her in the dark and have my private life be all mine! She was a little surprised… Full privacy on everything feels better than sharing even great successes with your cheater. I have no desire to share any information (good, bad, or indifferent) with her other than as necessary for our boys.

Kate
Kate
7 years ago

Meh was nearly insight and he came back out of no where! No contact and then I received a text from his adult daughter saying I had supposedly sent some text to him while I was at church! It set me off and I should have known he was fishing. I called him out but not with as much emotion as previous encounters. Classic… Someone hacked his old facebook account and said he was gay also while I was at church. (He is homophobic and was in the military… Uses PTSD and TBI as the excuse for why he is the way he is… Funny he has 4 children and married multiple times before that could have actually occurred). Its not my problem. Not my circus. My MEH begins again… But it ticked off the new OW and she blames me. Funny.. She’s the only one with his account passwords etc now. He of course called me the stupid dumb ass etc… Still have to deal with joint property from 6 months ago but stuck because he’s still married to wife #5…. And that’s not me… I guess I can be thankful I didn’t have children with this moron… And i didn’t marry him! Now to remind myself that drama will continue with the Facebook thing and I’m gonna sit back and just watch it all from afar… Do not interact!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Complete and total Meh when you are still sharing limited visitation with a drug-addicted alcoholic is probably not possible. I cannot afford to be completely disinterested in what he’s doing. Moreover, I am taking great delight in watching him react to the implementation of the settlement. His whiny “I can’t add, please do it for me” emails are making me laugh. And when all financial hell break’s loose in January? Where’d I put that popcorn bucket?!

None of that is Meh.

But at least I suffer no further feelings of loss, grief (other than “Good grief … what a moron!” type of grief), endless rumination, and so on. Having the divorce final and closing in on 8 months from d-day is highly therapeutic. Having complete control of my life and finances is really, really good. And my indifference to him grows and grows. When I no longer cringe at the idea of having to speak to him face to face, I will be fully there. That thought still strikes me as highly unpleasant. So much inspiration here today.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie,

This had me thinking…..” When I no longer cringe at the idea of having to speak to him face to face, I will be fully there.”

I have been at Meh for a bit as you know – minus all this custody stuff, of course. I don’t speak to the ex face to face at all.

I am just typing out load here so please bear with me. I guess my thoughts on this whole matter of face to face is I just have zero real-estate in my mind to give – OR – waste even one breath to my disordered ex. This goes the same for any other disordered freaks I once knew. They don’t deserve my attention.

I have no plans on ever speaking to her again. In the hypothetical event that I had to speak to her, how would I feel? You have me thinking now. Very challenging. Well, if I had to speak to her I can honestly say that I wound not cringe but I think I would probably feel absolutely nothing. I think, I would just look at her as a blank piece of paper with no inspiration to write on.

Hard to cringe at something that means nothing – I believe is your point.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Blank piece of paper. I like that. I currently have no need to speak to him. But there will be times when we are in the same room … piano recitals and such. I plan to avoid him completely. But the fact that I have thought about those instances and know I will feel discomfort is telling. He will feel more discomfort, I am quite certain. Complete disinterest is right around the corner … my interest is much more focused elsewhere! 🙂

babe99s
babe99s
7 years ago

15 Yrs with the ex could not put my finger on what in the hell was happeneing, all the lying cheating never said he was sorry. I tried harder to make him see what he had he could not of cared less. Then one day I got him red handed no denying it anymore, so he left for the stripper skank packed all 15 yrs worth of stuff moved in with her. Well the next year was a year of triangulation me her etc etc. Till Dec 20, 2015 he again packed those bags and moved back with the stripper skank he said why do all the women want me, I was caught off garde did not say anything, he was digging the knife in deeper as he was speaking the hate you could see it in his eyes I never did anything but love the ex for 15 yrs. So Feb 2016 he hoovers back at my place stole a key when he left walked into my house like he owned it, I was angry he has never seen that side of me had enough he thought I would have my arms open to Mr Cheater Pants again and say come home, not this time I told him don’t want to here is bullshit anymore and to get the hell out he still tried to tell me about his life I said no again I opened that door said get out he turned and gave me the evil smirk and was still trying to talk he walked out I slammed the door and that’s history. on December 20, 2016 it will be my 1 year narc free anniversary and it was 10 months NC on December 13th. He came back thinking I will abuse her somemore of the shit sandwich well I opened that door and finally got ride of that piece of shit for goo.

Pricklypear
Pricklypear
7 years ago
Reply to  babe99s

Wow, I started hearing “I Will Survive” in my head. “Go on now go, walk out the door, just turn around now, you’re not welcome anymore….” Perfect! Congratulations!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Pricklypear

I had that song on endless loop for 3 weeks after D-day (that is not an exaggeration). I knew I was getting a little better when I started alternating it with the Ramones (“I want to be sedated”):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYkACVDFmeg

MidlifeBlast