My Cheater Raped Me

broken heartHello Chump Lady,

I stumbled on your site after about five D-days (I lost count, one was too many) and two years of pick me dances. I’ve been getting my ducks in a row carefully and stealthily as I have small kids with my FW and have to maneuver my moves very carefully.

I moved out of the bedroom into the guest room, but fell asleep in the bedroom we used to share while working on my laptop on the bed. I woke up to him groping and undressing me. I told him “no” and to stop many times, but he overpowered me and my attempts to leave were futile.

I feel so defiled. This isn’t the first time this has happened. (Please don’t judge me, I didn’t recognize marital rape for what it was until recently, years of endless mindfucks have really messed me up) but there was something about this time that has just left me reeling. I’ve lost appetite, I’m walking around in a daze, I can’t think straight, my depression has reared its head. He has put me at risk for an STD before. His affair partner tested positive. The thought of having to get tested again infuriates me.

With an impending divorce, I don’t know if I have the mental and emotional strength to pursue this legally plus FW makes very decent money and I don’t want to ruin him career wise with charges as I’ll need him to pay up soon (is this cake eating?). What can I do?

Depressed Chump

***

Dear Depressed Chump,

You can do a lot. I think I speak for everyone here at Chump Nation when I say that I hate this FW with the fire of a thousand suns. Sending you solidarity to leave this motherfucker.

This kind of abuser is dangerous. And leaving is the scariest time of all, so please put together a support team ASAP with a domestic abuse organization. Womenslaw.org has a list of them broken down by state in the U.S.  They also have an email hotline staffed by law students.

Some other DV resources:

The Domestic Abuse Hotline — one stop shopping here on how to make a plan.

Mosiac Threat Assessment — some handy quizzes and resources for exactly how nuts your nut is and how to get away.

There is ZERO SHAME in contacting a domestic abuse organization. I did it. They can direct you to free or low-cost legal assistance, counseling services, or temporary shelter. (And CN, it’s always good to remember these organizations in your charitable giving. Especially this time of year.)

Cheating is abuse (let’s hope the world catches up on that) and marital rape is abuse. (It was not recognized as illegal in the U.S. until 1993.) This man is trying to control you, and he’s not going to take kindly to a divorce summons. FWs rarely do.

Please talk with the professionals, but I think the time to line up ducks is over. It’s GET OUT NOW before he kills you. I don’t mean to alarm, but you can’t predict these kind of freaks.

I feel so defiled.

(((Hugs))) He’s the sicko. You’re a strong, resilient woman trying to escape his abuse. You’re not filthy. HE is filthy.

Please don’t judge me

No one here judges you. You’re among chumps. Please don’t judge yourself. It takes a woman on average seven times to leave an abuser. Please improve those odds and get out. Of all the obstacles to leaving one of these freaks, cross shame off the list. HE is shameful. You never, ever should’ve been put in this situation. He’s got you so mindfucked you’re wearing HIS shame. Drop that hot toxic potato.

I’m walking around in a daze, I can’t think straight, my depression has reared its head

Which is exactly how he wants you — too traumatized to act in your own best interest. Which is why you need a team of advocates to help you.

His affair partner tested positive. The thought of having to get tested again infuriates me.

Get tested and let that fury FUEL YOU through this.

And please DOCUMENT what happened. Call an attorney, tell the DV people, get this on the record. Whether or not you press charges, this is important information to have a record of as you go through divorce. I wouldn’t want this guy having custody. At the very least, get a temporary protection from abuse order STAT.

With an impending divorce, I don’t know if I have the mental and emotional strength to pursue this legally plus FW makes very decent money and I don’t want to ruin him career wise with charges

Let your support team — an attorney and DV folks — help you weigh this. The important thing is your immediate safety. Long-term, I’d work on a plan to be forever financially independent of him, because you can never count on abusive FWs to pay for their children or abide by legal orders. BUT YOU SHOULD TRY. And failure to abide by court orders has consequences.

Again, focus on just the next step that helps YOU and the kids escape him. Don’t second guess yourself with how this impacts HIM. He’s a rapist, fuck him very much.

I’ll need him to pay up soon (is this cake eating?)

He needs to pay up because you are divorcing him. Holding him to his financial responsibilities does NOT make you a bad person. Prosecuting him for rape isn’t a call I can make or CN — please talk to the DV folks. Personally, I’d like to see him rot in a cage for eternity, but I’m evil like that.

We’re all here rooting for you. Please keep us posted.

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MotherChumperNinetyNine
MotherChumperNinetyNine
4 months ago

I am so very sorry that he raped you. Please call a DV line this morning. Get help- it’s there for you if you ask. You expressed a thought I also shared after Dday when I was physically assaulted by FW (in front of our child)— “I needed FW’s financial support/our assets.” No. That’s a thought error. I wanted support. I didn’t need it. My life and well being was worth far more than his income or our assets (even though we built those assets over 25 year marriage). I wish I could rewind 9 years to Dday and reassure myself that I could earn. I could count on myself. I could be more secure in every way, including economically, without FW. I think our culture/my family conditioned me to think otherwise. I’m far far far happier with less. Things do not bring me peace. Freedom from abuse is the source of peace. I controlled that by leaving.

Last edited 4 months ago by MotherChumperNinetyNine
Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
4 months ago

Oh Depressed Chump, I’m so sorry that monster raped you. You did not deserve it. And no, expecting him to shoulder his responsibilities is not cake eating. You need to get this one thought into your mind – You are married to an abuser. Cheating is abuse. Rape is further down the abuse trail. And if he will rape you, he might kill you. This is a dangerous man and you need to get away from him.

Please, please go to the Mosaic Threat Assessment website and use the tools there to check your danger level. It’s something I did when I was first separated, and it gave me a lot of peace of mind. I was able to recognize the issues that might cause my STBX to lose control and take steps to protect myself and my children.

Last edited 4 months ago by Elizabeth Lee
OHFFS
OHFFS
4 months ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

“And if he will rape you, he might kill you.”

1000%. Truer words were never spoken.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
4 months ago

I’m walking around in a daze, I can’t think straight, my depression has reared its head

This is a symptom of complex trauma. It takes time to get past the fog, but removing yourself from this man is one essential step. Navigating the meat-grinder that is the divorce process is hard enough; you aren’t going to be able to advocate for yourself and your children in this mental state.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 months ago
Reply to  walkbymyself

So true.

Also, don’t take that on that it’s “your depression” flaring up, it’s not. You’ve been hurt on the soul level and healing can only start when you are in a place of physical and emotional safety.

Conchobara
Conchobara
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

That’s such a good point, NotAnymore! I was blaming my depression too until my therapist said that I had depression and anxiety but I was SUFFERING from C-PTSD and betrayal trauma. That was what caused the fog, the hypervigilance, the constant fear and panic attacks.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
4 months ago

Dear Depressed:

Your story is absolutely awful and I’m so sorry for the physical abuse you’ve undergone. But I’m even sorrier for the mental abuse he’s perpetrated against you because it’s (quite understandably) clouded your thinking and made you believe you can’t make it without his support; as CL pointed out, this is precisely what he was hoping for. But it’s imperative that you banish that lie from your consciousness… IT IS NOT TRUE.

I pray you avail yourself of the many resources Chump Lady has recommended, because the sooner you get away from the monster you’re married to, the safer you will be. Stay underground, prepare yourself for battle, and keep every last morsel of your exit strategy quiet. Never leave any clues behind and when you’re to go (hopefully with help and when he is not at home), leave without saying a single word to him; you do not owe him an explanation, answers, or advanced notice of your departure. In fact, if you provide those to him, you may be placing yourself in mortal danger; he will find out soon enough that you’ve moved to higher ground.

And above all, believe a better life is out there waiting for you! After spending 40 years being gaslit, brainwashed and homogenized by my serial Jesus cheater FW, I was completely and totally convinced that if our marriage ended, I’d find myself adrift in a shark-infested ocean with no provisions, no oars, and no land in sight. Alone, thirsty, sunburned, desperate and at the mercy of the waves. The mere thought of it kept me stuck — for decades. Unfortunately, I’d not yet heard of Chump Lady. I didn’t know there were resources available for abused spouses. I couldn’t bear the shame and humiliation of getting a divorce after growing up as an adult survivor of TWO nasty parental divorces. So I danced longer and smoked deeper and peddled faster just so I could somehow be good enough to save my marriage, my family, my reputation. Of course, none of that worked because FW had his own agenda for the future and apparently, I was not part of it. So not only was I abandoned, cheated on, betrayed and lied to, but even worse? I was convinced that I was helpless and couldn’t depend on my own capabilities. Thankfully, after he dumped me for Married Howorker and I made it through the first 6 terror-filled months of fear, depression, shock, panic and emotional distress, my paradigm mysteriously shifted and I WOKE UP! I woke up to the truth that I was intelligent enough to figure things out and I would be not only survive without him, but I had the potential to thrive. And now, 8 years post-divorce, thrive I have! What I needed to set things in motion was to remove him — via (1) maintaining Zero Contact and (2) creating strict boundaries for physical, emotional and mental distance — to get out of my own way, and to allow the “potential” to become reality.

Mehitable
Mehitable
4 months ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

“What I needed to set things in motion was to remove him — via (1) maintaining Zero Contact and (2) creating strict boundaries for physical, emotional and mental distance — to get out of my own way, and to allow the “potential” to become reality.”

THIS, Depressed Chump, I think whatever you can do even now to minimize any contact or cut him out of your life will help you. What he did to you was NOT SEX, it was a violent attack designed to control, degrade and depress you. It was a tactic. It’s the equivalent of beating a man almost to death, although rape is even worse, IMO. It is possible he will get even worse. You need to protect yourself and I personally would file charges just to put it on record even if it’s not possible to actively prosecute.

lulutoo
lulutoo
4 months ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Love this, MyRedSandals!

KatiePig
KatiePig
4 months ago

I’m so sorry he did that to you. You don’t have to press charges if you think it will hurt you. You are not obligated to do that. When my ex talked about k*lling me, my lawyer wanted me to call the police and have him arrested and charged with domestic violence. But I was afraid that would motivate him to act. I didn’t want to increase my chances of being k*lled. So I definitely won’t judge you because I made the same decision.

My lawyer gave me a list of things to do to try to stay safe. He had me pack an emergency bag and keep it in my car in case I needed to flee at any point. He also instructed me to tell trusted people what had happened so if anything did happen to me or I disappeared, they could go to the police with that information. During divorce negotiations, my ex was informed that I had sent videos to my relatives so if anything happened to me, the police would know it was him. He laughed at me and mocked me for it but he also signed everything immediately after hearing that. It took his power away.

You can get help dealing with this without having to go through the legal system. You’re a victim of domestic violence. Reach out to some local groups for support if you need it. I’m so sorry and I wish you healing and freedom from this monster.

susie lee
susie lee
4 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

“You don’t have to press charges if you think it will hurt you. You are not obligated to do that. ” So true. I know it feels good to say screw it all, but we have to live in the reality of making choices among no good choices and we have to consider our safety and our children’s safety (physical and financial) like it or not.

susie lee
susie lee
4 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

Also states vary. Some states can go forward with charges and prosecution without the victim.

I was on a jury in a case like that. The victim refused to prosecute, (she was severely beaten) but the state went ahead, and he was convicted.

I would definitely get help from a DV organization to move forward and protect yourself and children.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
4 months ago

Dear Depressed Chump,

As a former resource advocate for survivors of domestic violence, I hope you are able to follow CL’s very sound advice and immediately gather a team of experienced supporters to explore your legal options because your abuser just went nuclear in terms of using violent tactics against you.

The reason that rape has historically been a weapon used in war to crush opposing populations is because it’s a form of violence that, aside from physically injuring victims, also induces catastrophic psychological wounds that only the victims of it understand so that, even aside from inducing terror and injury, it psychologically divides the target population and condemns victims to being poorly understood even by their own “side.”

In other words, your abuser dug deep into the arsenal of abuse and pulled out the worst weapon short of turning you into a quadriplegic or killing you. He intended deep and grave harm. Furthermore, he intended to doom you to psychological isolation by inducing a trauma that not everyone else will understand. For very real and practical reasons, you cannot put anything past him now, even murder. Someone capable of doing what he did is statistically capable of anything.

Aside from gathering emergency supports, you also need emergency triage to keep the time-release damage that your abuser just unleashed on you from sinking in deeper. Think of it as a snake bite or STD but in a psychological sense. You need an antidote in the form of social support and empathy stat.

If it helps to understand the the nature of the “venom” that was just “injected” into you, one of the common psychological wounds from sexual assault is something called “projective identification,” a theory meant to explain the entirely baffling process by which victims of sexual violence end up– quite falsely– feeling the shame and self loathing that the perpetrators of it *should* feel but generally don’t.

No one understands why this process of transference and displacement of a sense of guilt and shame is so effective but I chalk it up to a process of “mesmerization.” Like they say, lies become more believable when the liar believes their own bull. And *no one* believes their own bull more than serial sexual perpetrators who are the most loathsome, detested and lowest types of criminals around. Because serial sexual abusers like domestic batterers and rapists are rightfully reservoirs of so much shame, they have all the more need to externalize this toxic burden of shame/blame/guilt to others, namely their victims. This is why all engage in a specific mental trick called “neutralization” whereby they manage to entirely delude themselves that their victims “deserve” abuse, violence, punishment, etc. I imagine that it has something to do with the fact that the abuser is so utterly convinced of their own righteousness and the victims’ unworthiness that “projective identification” is so effective in displacing shame to victims. Victims are literally spellbound.

I hope it helps a little bit to understand that, at this moment, all the unbearable feelings you’re experiencing belong to someone else. All the activating, self-protective, energizing and rebellious feelings (that led you in part to write a letter to CL for instance) are rightfully yours but not the shame, not the guilt, not the sense of embarrassment and not the despair. The latter all belong to your abuser and you need to “return to sender” by literally immersing yourself in a sea of supporters and people who fully get what you’ve been through and will help to protect you.

Another thing to discuss with legal advisers is how your response to this assault can either help or not help in terms of getting full child custody. You may also want to consider filing an injury lawsuit for domestic violence. If the jury rules for malice in this type of suit, the perpetrator can never declare bankruptcy to avoid paying. If you’re concerned about being left high and dry with small children, then this may be a viable and justifiable route. Furthermore, this type of suit can leave a permanent, unexpunge-able record of the crime. That could come in very handy when your abuser goes scorched earth and tries to malign your character in every way possible as all rapists do in order to discredit their victims whether the victims fight back or not. But the issue of suing– like getting divorce settlements– is also a place where the “venom” of false shame might deter you because you’re afraid of being seen as “out for money.” Please get help in getting that venom out and don’t let false shame make you pull your punches at a time when your and your children’s future welfare depends on taking action now.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 months ago

I have nothing to offer but hugs and support and empathy.

When my husband did this to me I lost my ability to speak for three days, and in hindsight, my ability to leave him for 15 more years.

Looking back, so much of what he did was to keep me too busy and traumatized to leave.

Your safety is the most important thing right now. I know it is one of the hardest moments to stand up for yourself and keep yourself safe, but there is no human alive who deserves to live in an environment like the one you are in. Anywhere else will be better.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

I’ll add, when you do find your voice again, don’t talk to him about it.

I made that mistake, thinking maybe he didn’t know how much he hurt me and if I could just explain it well and get him to understand it…

He told me it was a “misunderstanding” that I was “blowing out of proportion.” He told me that I told him to do it (totally crazy making that comment). He actually tried a few times to tell me it didn’t happen at all. He told me I “love being mad at him” and that I like “finding things to be mad at him about.”

If he cared about my feelings he wouldn’t have done it in the first place. That’s the hard truth.

Juniper
Juniper
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

Do NOT talk to him about it. Do not share your feelings about anything with him. Just wanting to reiterate this point.

SortofOverIt
SortofOverIt
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

NotAnymore,

I’m sorry that you and the OP experienced that.

My FW said and did a lot of terrible things. Not rape, it was just terrible things that he said.

He later wanted to reconcile when things with Schmoops went belly up. And when I repeated some of the things he said, he denied them at first. And also said I must have heard him wrong. He eventually acknowledged them and apologized. It will never be clear to me if he truly could NOT remember, or if it was just straight up gaslighting. It doesn’t particularly matter. Obviously, gaslighting is terrible. But it’s equally bad if you can say and do terrible things and FORGET as if they were nothing.

I am just curious sometimes if he was truly trying to erase what he did even in his own head, because he wants to believe he is a good person.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 months ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

“It’s equally bad if you can say and do terrible things and FORGET as if they were nothing”

This fact took me quite a while to realize. I remember thinking, okay he is either sadistic and manipulative, or incredibly stupid and incapable of caring about others. Either way that’s not someone I want to be with.

Juniper
Juniper
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

NotAnymore – Yes. For years – before X’s cheating came to light – I thought the same. Either he doesn’t understand how he’s hurting me or he doesn’t care. It was a truly hopeless, despairing feeling.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
4 months ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

It’s hard for normal people to wrap their heads around criminal mentality. We project this idea that, if we ever did anything so terrible, we’d probably never forget it and would spend the rest of our lives trying to make up for it. But that’s not how serial criminals think or behave. What absolutely defines the criminal as a criminal and the crime as *deliberate* is the coverup and lack of remorse.

Stepbystep
Stepbystep
4 months ago

Depressed Chump – Please follow the advice you received from Chump Lady, BUT do not tell your FX what you’re doing. Not a whiff.

Your safest course, and your most empowering course, is to leave and divorce this guy. If he had financial resources and an image to maintain, your attorney (not you) will leverage that.

Being away for even after a couple weeks will give you time to heal and rest and the fog will lift a bit. You can do this !

Stepbystep
Stepbystep
4 months ago
Reply to  Stepbystep

sorry for typos – wish I could edit.

Mehitable
Mehitable
4 months ago

This is not sex. This is an animal trying to control its prey. Worse than an animal, a monster. I don’t really have advice here other than if this happened to me, I would call the police and file formal charges. I understand the money issue but this could be about life and death. A man like this might be capable of almost anything. I’d want a restraining order and charges be brought if they could. Don’t let him get away with this because of money – the more he gets away with, the more he might do. Obviously it’s insane to live with him in the house, at the minimum he should never be allowed back in the house, near you, or near any kids. This behavior, as horrible as it is, should be exposed, even if it can’t be fully prosecuted.

As for your feelings, it breaks my heart that you went through this. I think you should see a rape counselor, hopefully this is available in your area, as this is a very specific type of violence that damages people in very deep ways, which IS THE INTENT. I would urge you to not keep silent about this but to expose him, at the minimum to a counselor. I would not be surprised frankly, if he’s also raped other people. Rapists seem to be like that.

Last edited 4 months ago by Mehitable
KADawn
KADawn
4 months ago

OH dear sweet DC; please please heed the warnings that CL has given you! You will get no judgement here; this kind of situation is so difficult to navigate, and now you’re traumatized, on top of prior trauma.

He committed a crime. Whether you try to get prosecution started on that in the future or not, doesn’t matter. WE KNOW. YOU KNOW. He’s NOT SAFE. For anyone. Let other folks help you with weighing the possibility of future assets later, for NOW, you need to get you and children to safety.

Sending you strength and compassion and kindness and the ANGER that you will need to fuel your way through this.

FYI_
FYI_
4 months ago

omg, be careful with your exit!!!

Conchobara
Conchobara
4 months ago

I don’t know if the OP will come here to read responses, but if she does, my overwhelming thought on reading this is similar to CL’s: please know that CN is not judging YOU. Your FW is the problem here; he is the abuser. Also, you have nothing to be ashamed of! Again, he is the abuser; he is the monster who thinks his behavior is acceptable to “keep you in line.” Please do what you need to do to protect yourself (and children, if you have them).

2xchump
2xchump
4 months ago

OK so my FH was using COERCION and threats of OW and threats to me because of me not giving him what he demanded. He threw away my underware saying I wasn’t pleasing him. He slept on the couch to punish me. All this while doing strange woman on the side. My counselor met him once and then met me once and told me to lock him out of the house immediately as I was in line to be his victim. Please call a Safe shelter and get your kids ready to go if you can’t lock him out and file right away. My therapist told me few woman stay away but he told me with coercion I was in deep denial and brain injured from abuse and threats. Yes my brain was gone but I was angry and that anger and fear and care for my own life, led me to freedom I had never known. It sounds like his money/job is overpowering your senses. Let anger drive you, not depression. Let HOW DARE HE TREAT ME LIKE TRASH OR HIS TRASHY FOR HIRE SEX WORKERS!!! HOW DARE HE!!!! And the children, he does not love them or you in the least. He is a user of people as objects. My therapist said no one could save me but myself. NO ONE ELSE CAN SAVE YOU BUT YOU! Let the love for your children to have a living mother fuel your actions. Listen and get yourself moving asap. Your life is in danger. When you cannot move yourself anymore with depression, you are in serious trouble. He wants you gaslite, crazy unstable and dependent!!!Your husband is very sick, nothing he does to you is healthy or normal. Listen to us at CN and CL. She and us have the experience. I also called Focus on the Family and got one hour of Christian counseling free over the phone. That Christian counselor I got told me my husband’s lies were BULLSHIT and he was a liar and cheat. He told me to protect myself. And FILE !!!You are a captive in your own house. In a sexual prison.
Also, stay out of the bedroom you used to be in together. That just looks like consent to a disturbed man.and he will hurt you and blame you. None of this is your fault. Protect yourself.Save yourself until you can get out but get busy. You are at red alert right now. Get up get going asap!!!

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
4 months ago

Dear Depressed Chump, I am sending you love and strength through this horrific situation. Please know that everyone in Chump Nation is rooting for you and your children. Take CL’s advice and be safe. With love…

weedfree
weedfree
4 months ago

I am a DV lawyer in Oz. You’d get an interim protective order in any State through either police or court ousting him from home if you allege recent sexual assault, even if not proven (hearings come later).
There are also new multidisciplinary centres in some States to help victims of sexual assault decide what they want to do (don’t need to make formal complaint or even talk to police, but police are co-located).
Even if a victim reports to these centres for information purposes only, it helps police map/track offender behaviour to manage risk issues (in this case there may be other victims of the poster’s FW).

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
4 months ago

I believe you can file a police report without a formal charge. That way its on record. You can speak with an officer. You should get tested for 2 reasons to treat anything and also again to have it on record with an MD. People always say why didnt you report the abuse when it happened. You should have reported it. Its insensitive for sure. People dont understand unless it happened to them.
Here is a window into my FW mind. He used to enjoy light BDSM. I asked him why he enjoyed tying me up or light spanking. He said because he liked the control, dominate and to subjugate me. Barbed wire monkey.

Leedy
Leedy
4 months ago

Dear Depressed Chump,

My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry you’ve been put through this terrible abuse. The one thing I’d want to emphasize, in addition to the excellent advice given by others, is that ANY shame or self-doubt you feel–about any part of this–is just the result of a trick the abuser has played on your mind. When you find yourself feeling “defiled,” it’s probably impossible to make that feeling go away completely; but just please, if you can, remind yourself that a) in time those feelings will be in the past, and b) the feeling of shame has nothing to do with who you are but is just part of the abuser’s RECIPE or TRICK for making you doubt that you have a right to live a free life, apart from him. You will not be living under the shadow of this destructive abuse forever.

It’s wonderful that you wrote to CL. We are here for you.

Cam
Cam
4 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Please keep us posted!

Leedy
Leedy
4 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m glad really to hear she’s in the process of leaving him. And I’m so glad she wrote to CL.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
4 months ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

We’ll all be thinking heavily about her and her children and hoping that she truly knows she’s not alone, that there are decent people in this world who will be outraged on her behalf and that we all know that absolutely no part of this is her fault.

Elsie_
Elsie_
4 months ago

Depressed, I’m so sorry that you are in a tough spot.

It does seem impossible, but getting away from this potentially dangerous creep is a must. They tend to escalate, not get better. The Mosaic Threat Assessment is a start as it will both give you an overall score of potential danger and guide you into seeing the unhealthy behavior. My attorney had me do it and bring in the results, and then he also sent me to a domestic violence specialist who asked more detailed questions. We did that both as cross-check and as evidence in case the divorce went to trial.

Ultimately, we settled without a trial, and all things considered, I was happy with my settlement. It is very unlikely I would have gotten more than I did, even in front of a judge. Some would say that he didn’t entirely “pay” for his misdeeds, but the key is that I got away with what I needed to start over.

You can do it!

Last edited 4 months ago by Elsie_
Getting There
Getting There
4 months ago

Hello everyone. I’m the OP. Changed my name to “Getting There”. I was able to get away today. I’m headed to a safe location with family and away from FW. I followed CL’s advice and made sure to get professional and medical documentation of this.Thank you all for your compassion and kindness. I’m physically and emotionally drained and know the battle hasnt even begun but this feels like a step forward. Thank you so much again. Chump Nation is a wonderful place.

Cam
Cam
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Thank God you’re out of there! I’ve been thinking of you all day. Stay strong, lean on your family right now, document everything and talk to a lawyer. I’m a fellow rape survivor. I know it’s hard right now but better days are ahead.

Shadow
Shadow
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Ah I’m so relieved you’ve got away from that vile excuse for a man!
It’s no wonder you feel drained after what he’s inflicted on you, but hopefully the feeling of being safe will help you get some sleep. I’m glad you’re getting help. Don’t be afraid to ask for a short course of sleeping tablets or sedatives. I found half a tablet was enough to help me sleep for the few weeks after I made my FW leave, but ask your doctor. Try and feed yourself too, even if it’s only soup, or even milky coffee with a bit of butter in it, which was all I could manage for the 1st week or so. It’s sounds goppin’ but it’s actually quite nice and gives you some energy and nutrition!
Really look after yourself DP and your kids, and keep us posted!

Leedy
Leedy
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

This is the best, best news. I know it took a lot of courage to do what it took to get safely away, and I’m really proud of you. Your update made my day. Big hug.

Elsie_
Elsie_
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Be brave and keep on! You are on the right path with all of us cheering you on.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Sending an ocean of strength and good wishes to you. Also sleep. Lots and lots of uninterrupted sleep in order to rebuild your resources. I hope you’re able to rest up for awhile in relative safety and with your family around you.

Conchobara
Conchobara
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Oh, I’m so PROUD of you. I know it’s a hard place to be and it’s not going to get easy for awhile but everyone here is rooting for you!!

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

I am so proud of you! You fought through the fog of trauma to make a plan and leave! Good job!

OHFFS
OHFFS
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

Wonderful! You are mighty!

justme
justme
4 months ago
Reply to  Getting There

You are well on your way to being Mighty! When you can find the time , check out CL’s older posts. Between CL and CN , there is at least a Great Library or two of info and words of wisdom. Huggs and Peace.

justme
justme
4 months ago

I am so angry for you. Please, do as CL has suggested. You are in a lot of danger right now. I feel like I got lucky, neither of my XFW’s pushed things this far. You need to take your precious children and run far. Run fast. And never look back. This is not a person who is going to “lose” graciously. Make safety #1. You matter, as do your kids. This asswipe? Not so much. World would be a safer place without POS like this. You deserve support, love and safety. Prayers for you and yours.

OHFFS
OHFFS
4 months ago

Depressed Chump, this is not depression coming back, it’s rape trauma. It’s CPTSD from years of abuse, plus acute trauma from the rape.
As CL said, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You have plenty to be afraid of. Shame keeps you stuck. Fear and rage compels you to act to protect yourself from further abuse. It’s great news to hear you have tapped into that and left!👏👏👏

I am so very sorry for what that psychopath has done to you. Know that Chump nation has your back. You’re free, and it’s going to get better. Keep that thought in mind and let it drive you forward. ❤

Last edited 4 months ago by OHFFS
2xchump
2xchump
4 months ago

YAYEE if you left! Please do not return- your husband may get charming like mine did to reel you back in. He will charm a snake if it works to get you back. Then you can really get hurt. My FH would have shot me dead if he had gotten back with me. He was armed and our bedroom had 4 different places for his guns. These guys are ticking. Please please go NOT CONTACT. Live anywhere but with him. His talking to you has worked in the past and he will get you back into his lair. It is hideous. Some people can go back, but once he is raping you and holding you hostage, the gig is up. Stay strong. Get help and STAY AWAY!

Shadow
Shadow
4 months ago

I really hope you’ve managed to get away Depressed Chump, because like all of CN and CL are saying, that man is dangerous and he has committed a serious, criminal attack on you. He needs locking up but your priority is the safety of yourself and your children!
Go to a domestic violence shelter if you’ve nowhere else, but get away asap!
Then you can seek legal advice and of course, the DV staff will advise, guide and support you!
Please let us know how you get on. You’re in my prayers. Hugs from Ireland!

Lola89
Lola89
4 months ago

I’m so, so sorry this happened to you – I’me in tears for you. This. Is. Not. OK. Please, please follow the advice and pick up the phone to the DV folks. Get your support team. For you and your kids. This will only get worse (been there – it was awful at first saying it out loud but thank god I did and for Chump Nation). Everything Chump Lady is saying is spot on. You’ll look back and wonder why you even questioned it, but right now he’s ripped all your strength away (he has, he’s wrong, he’s bad, he should be behind bars). And he cannot be relied on for money. It’s hard but in some ways easier once you accept he’s void of any morals or ethics. You’re AMAZING and it took real COURAGE and STRENGTH to write this email. That’s a great first step. Pick up the phone and protect your family. Lots of love and huge hugs xxx

Shadow
Shadow
4 months ago

I’m wondering how you’re getting on Getting There? I’d imagine you’ve a lot to deal with, and are exhausted but if you get a chance, let us know how you are!
Sending you love and hugs!