Not Your Job Anymore

It doesn’t hurt to follow up that ‘No, it doesn’t work for me, but thanks for thinking of me.’

You are right of course, That’s still hard for me, leaving out the I’m sorry. But I can see how that is still Chumpy!

Hi getting real. Don’t know if you will see this as it is quite old. I work in GVA but live in France. Putain as about the reality of it. A

It’s hard to believe someone else was going through the same thing isn’t it. Listening for that key was hell.

Clearwaters.

I think at the time I THOUGHT mine was a bit dumb around certain things (never maths stuff but always spelling, planning, money), but what I realise now is it was part of the act and guaranteed (for him) the continuation of me doing everything. His lazy unaccountable arse would much rather I saw him as a bit stupid around things than actually have to do them himself. A trade-off he was willing to make. And when I think about it, he didn’t care about my opinion or feelings about him in any other domain so why would he care if I thought he was stupid?

Since we have no kids and the property settlement is virtually concluded the need to write business emails to each other is pretty much gone. but what I did notice is all his correspondence when it came had reverted back to teenage text talk. You know: “I can’t do it str8 away soz, will do it tonite” I know that part of this is because his new primary source is 27 and he needs to be hip, but mostly it’s because he knows it annoys the crap out of me! I think 50 year olds should speak and spell like 50 year olds and show at least some modicum of intelligence.

Wow I’ve gone off thread, but I am recognising more and more (still only five months from separating and final mask drop so still at point of realising on a daily basis the levels of non human-ness, deception, absolutely meaninglessness of the past 8 years) just how many ways in which they love to fuck with your head, get a reaction, demonstrate how little they think of you. And mine is an expert in stealth. Take one of his actions (like text talk for instance) and explain it to someone else – how it is a flagrant Fuck you Zhuchi, and the listener would just look at me as though I’m mad and completely over reacting. Mine does not attempt murder by a big sword to the heart, but by a million tiny pin pricks raining down.

Doh. Something just got triggered. Clearly. Having an angry!!!

Clearwaters, Mine definitely couldn’t add up. Aside from spending a fortune in bars buying rounds of champagne, buying himself whatever he wanted (60,000 euro car anyone), he took care of nothing at all. BUT in response to your question, I genuinely don’t think he could add up. I mean, it stands to reason that if you have 1,500 dollars and your rent is 500, you only have 1,000 left to live on right? If you then go out and buy yourself a new guitar for 800 and a new bedspread for 400 you don’t exactly have money for groceries, electric bill do you? Not even rocket science is it, but I’m amazed at how many people can’t even do that.

Mine had his MBA and is a CFO/COO for a state agency in SC and one that stresses family values. He could never understand the financials I provided every month.( I am a CPA) (took an accounting class at University of SC together cause he had failed it and I had the highest grade in the class) never understood bank reconciliations, never paid a bill, and used all that extra time to pursue women at work, 3 sexual harassment charges where I was a total chump. His last work conquest was the final one for me. Found out around midnight July 9 and had his ass out the door July 10. Divorced on February 2. Can you believe he asked me to do his 2016 tax return and said I was the only one he trusted. Of course I said no and will be filing married filing separately. I think they are insane.

Unfortunately, the fiscal infidelity theme runs very, VERY deep among cheaters. My cheating ex had racked up something like $100K in debts and penalties in secret. I did manage to get some recompense for that in my settlement, thankfully. But my ex was no different than most other cheaters, she had little or no regard (and/or understanding) of consequences.

“Doing Me” – i heard this recently and I love it.

“If we stay in the chump condition, we eliminate uncertainty. We give our authority to fuckwits who will tell us what to think and how to act. (And where we missed a spot.)” To me this is by far one of the most powerful statements I’v read here on this site. It speaks to me in so many ways.

While no one would willingly allow a partner to inflict pain and abuse upon themselves it becomes our normal way of functioning despite having the ability to leave. The path to trusting ourselves is overwhelmed by pain and self doubt. While the pain subsides with clarity, self doubt lingers much longer. Our very identity was in being a wife/husband and part of a couple. At first we do gain ‘freedom from’ and this in itself is a necessary step. Yet getting them out of our heads and gaining emotional strength takes much more time.

Abuse is often unrecognized within a relationship as often times present and rooted in our families of origin without recognizing how this impacted our choices and what we were willing to tolerate. Or we were in a healthy family growing up and never saw the signs until it was too late.

How do we detach and become strong? It is with the development of rebuilding through self-efficacy, as LAJ so eloquently describes. That is the foundation which supports ‘freedom to’. The role an abuser plays in our lives is to always maintain power and control and is either blatant or covert in nature. It is usually present long before we become aware of infidelity. We are groomed in many ways prior to ever becoming aware. The goal posts move, and we up our support and feel helpless/hopeless and yet plug through it under the guise of having equal power in decision making because we are invested.

I can relate to becoming a prisoner who upon having the ability to gain freedom, remained captive due to Stockholm syndrome as Muse describes. What was absent was my knowledge of the breadth and depth the face of abuse can develop over years. Infidelity is often times the catalyst used to further break us down; it’s always the tip of the iceberg. The abuse came long before it was recognized as such.

Gaining self-efficacy takes one step and then another. Yes, I learned how to start a lawn mower, rewire electrical outlets, figured out how to replace lights in my car and remove the yellowing of my headlights. I supported my son and granddaughter while eating chicken legs for a year, learned how to cut and color my hair, and shop at consignments stores for clothing. And now after three years of supporting myself living on a good income, yet paycheck to paycheck I have learned to put my needs first. It’s been an uphill battle leading to ‘freedom to’. Yes, its and attitude knowing you can trust yourself regardless of the roadblocks because mightiness is knowing your self worth and living it each and every day with peace.

Ouch. I know that feeling of being with someone who just doesn’t care when there are medical concerns. It sucks horribly — and I’m very sorry you had to go through that.

My STBX was the type who just couldn’t be bothered when someone else was sick. Of course, if he had the smallest thing wrong, the world was ending and he expected me to baby him. And, when I didn’t (as I learned far too late) – it was fodder for covert revenge (woohoo – she didn’t baby me, time to go get laid somewhere else!).

Whatever comfort we thought we had with our disordered fuckwits just wasn’t real. Such a hard truth to accept, but true nonetheless. But, being away from that kind of degradation is a saving grace – as you said, even if it means we are dealing with the bumps in life by ourselves.

(P.S. It’s excellent to hear that your mammogram came out clean!)

Actually, I think it is just because this group has probably never mediated a case that involves infidelity before (they take a highly collaborative approach) and they are trying to make our case fit the non adulterous break-up box. Everything he said about paramours would have made perfect sense if we were getting divorced, waiting a bit to heal and then casually dating before then finding that special someone. This case is different and mediator guy just doesn’t get it.

The other thing is that it is clear STBX doesn’t really want 50/50 placement, but the mediators are trying to shame him into it because in there experience (dealing with people who don’t have a current love interest in the mix), it is normal for both parents to want their share of time with the kids. I get the impression that they think that is coming from me and STBX is going along with it out of guilt. For now we are looking at a temporary agreement that gives me more placement with a future shift depending on conditions (such as a bigger apartment). My goal is to come up with “conditions” that would make it possible for him to bow out in a way that saves face. If he really does want that much time with his kids in the future I don’t want to deny him that as I see his desire to be a Dad as a positive thing, but I don’t want him to take on placement just because he doesn’t want to look like a jerk for not doing so. Yes, my trying to give him a graceful out is solving a potential problem for him, but in this case I am really doing it for the kids so they are only living with a parent who really wants them there.