On the First Day of Christmas My Cheater Freak Gave to Me…

You didn’t think I forgot our little contest did you?

Chumps, it was so hard to choose a Freak of the Week winner. You were all partnered with super freaks, every one of you. Even the benchmark of all things batshit crazy — our dancing Sasquatch — had some stiff competition. So, I took Bud’s suggestion… sort of. I cartooned more than one entry.

So in the spirit of the holiday, let me present to you (hum along if you like) The Twelve Days of Christmas.

On the first day of Christmas my cheater freak gave to me:

Xmas1

On the second day of Christmas my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas2

On the third day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas3

On the fourth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me a…

Xmas4

On the fifth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas5

On the sixth day of Christmas my cheater freak gave to me…

xmas6

On the seventh day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas7

On the eighth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas8

On the ninth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas9

On the tenth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas10

On the eleventh day of Christmas my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas11

On the twelfth day of Christmas, my cheater freak gave to me…

Xmas12

Merry Christmas chumps!!!

May your days be filled with more than half eaten boxes of Cream of Wheat (I was sorry I couldn’t fit that one in) and have a very happy holiday! I’m going to take a couple days off from blogging and I’ll see you back here soon.

— Tracy

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redless
redless
10 years ago

There you go CL, your contest idea for next year–“The 12 days”. Perhaps a dirty limerick contest for March (insert sinister smile). Mele Kalikimaka and Hou’oli Makahiki Hou (Merry Christmas and Happy New Year)

Janet
Janet
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I will start working on mine now!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

CL, this literally made me laugh out loud! Good thing my son isn’t home, I’d hate to explain why I was laughing so hard!

So many unbelievably freaky cheaters. Sometimes you just gotta laugh to keep from crying. To all my fellow chumps, have a wonderful, wonderful holiday!

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

GIO…aren’t you so glad you made the list, despite the fact that you were “uninvited” to participate?! Dubious, honor!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Only thing funnier than a dancing bigfoot is *six* of them!

Meg
Meg
10 years ago

Love the pictures!! You’ve outdone yourself!!

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago

Thanks CL and happy holidays to everyone!

RisingPhoeinx
RisingPhoeinx
10 years ago

Thanks CL, I needed this laugh today ! Love them cartoons πŸ™‚ To You and All Chumps here have a Safe and Joyful ( joy to be without a cheater) Holidays !!!

Still a Chump
Still a Chump
10 years ago

Hilarious and spot on! Thanks for the laughs!!!

ColdTurkey
ColdTurkey
10 years ago

Good cheer to everyone, and hold your heads high!

river
river
10 years ago

Fans of plumbers! Laughed ’til I cried! Thanks Chump Lady!

Kim
Kim
10 years ago

Awesome! Love it!

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago

Such talent!!

Mehphista
Mehphista
10 years ago

Mehrry Chumpmas Eveyone
-x

Digbert
Digbert
10 years ago

Awesome πŸ™‚

RumbleKitty
RumbleKitty
10 years ago

Sweet Jesus CL! You, your commentators and this blog are single-handedly getting me through this holiday season. Thank you from the bottom of my black, little, shriveled up heart.

Janet
Janet
10 years ago

#4 the beribboned dick My Eyes My Eyes actually found something similiar on the secret cell phone with the text I MISS YOU however she bemoans they NEVER SEE each other and I just sit back in wonder of it all.
Merry Christmas to you CL and to all my fellow chumps.
May 2014 be a banner year for all of us!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago

Love the Lyrics and the Visual!! You are too talented CL! To CL and Chump Nation, Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to the greatest bunch of people in whose company I have found a measure of peace.

Disappointed
Disappointed
10 years ago

Love this! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year everyone!

Rally Squirrel
Rally Squirrel
10 years ago

Sonnet from the Portuguese bathroom:

Oh, toothbrush
How do I defile thee?
Let me count the ways
LOL

Outstanding work as usual, CL! Merry Christmas to you and the most amazing collection of folks ever assembled in one chumpy place. I come here and it feels like the best kind of home — they “get” you, they support you, they understand your pain and anger, they make you laugh, they don’t mind at all if you cuss.

May the new year bring us closer and closer to the lives we want and deserve. Peace, y’all.

jamberry
jamberry
10 years ago

Tracy, love the drawings, especially the ribboned dick. Happy Holidays to all the Chumps! Move forward in joy, the best revenge is a life well-lived!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

The beribboned dick needs to be a t-shirt.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m so glad I didn’t mention the dildo headwear that my STBX was so fond of using. Now there’s a cartoon!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

how could you NOT tell us that story, dildo headwear would have made it in!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I will give you the abbreviated version –

Towards the end, the STBX mainly wanted to have sex using sex toys and one of his favorites was a dildo which straps over your head and extends from your chin. I’m sure you get the picture. He would strap it on and grin and wink at me as if he had discovered the cure for herpes. When I finally said, “You know, honey, there are times only a real dick will do,” (pun totally intended), he became incensed and then told the marriage counselor he had to divorce me because he had decided we weren’t sexually compatible – after 28 years.

Not being able to constantly wear a plastic dick on his chin was a deal breaker for him I guess.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

This cracked me up, CP! Plastic dick on the chin, yeah, that wouldn’t have done much for me either. What is up with these perverted cheaters?

Janet
Janet
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I am sitting here trying to visualize it and not really sure I want to CP how did you ever keep a straight face?

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Save it for next time, Princess πŸ™‚

Julie
Julie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I read this site every day. How did I miss the story of ribbon dick ? Seriously…what story is behind that ?!?

Wastedheart
Wastedheart
10 years ago
Reply to  Julie

I’m sad to say it’s mine. Though I must say, having seen the original, the illustrated version is quite a bit … um … enhanced. πŸ™‚

Merry Christmas to all!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Julie

Julie, it’s one of the stories in the “Freak of the Week” contest, click the link CL put in the first line of this post. That thread is epic, last time I looked there were nearly 600 comments.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

about that, it’s the only cartoon in your lexicon that I wish I could unsee! No hey, no way should that ever be on a t-shirt!

thensome
thensome
10 years ago

Ha!

Happy Holidays Everyone!!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago

Twelve inside jokes for chumps! Great work CL!

Happy Holidays to my homies!

Looking forward to reports of all the cheater origin heart string pulling and guilt tripping over the holidays. I know it’s starting my world already.

kb
kb
10 years ago

Awesome cartoons. The beribboned dick is a sight I cannot now unsee. I bet my STBX would text his to OW, especially since he is not getting any until she recuperates from her hysterectomy (at least I won’t have to worry that he’ll father a child with her before I file).

Chump Lady Husband’s story of the troll priest was a winner in my books. I play online games with an established community. Cheating on your spouse with someone you meet online is a sure sign of the disordered!

Thanks for the holiday cheer!

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

<i Cheating on your spouse with someone you meet online is a sure sign of the disordered!

You think? Hmm, my ex did that twice.

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Mine did too…and got her pregnant πŸ™ he is 50 and she was 22.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

Yep, especially if you’re like my ex who met his on Ashley Madison. *vomit*

Nicole
Nicole
10 years ago

Love all of these! I spy my disordered Ex in the Jesus Cheater category and also the list of faults (mine was a spreadsheet showing that I averaged 3 hours less “work hours” a week…a lazy little woman was I…). Thank you for making the sad and disturbing seem just…funny! Crazy! Realizing they are wacko makes it easier to move on and let go of the hurt. How can someone not in touch with reality hurt me in the real world??

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago

Thanks CL, it must have been so hard to choose! I can’t believe my ex is immortalized in CL cartoon land! hahaha

Thanks to all of Chump Nation for sharing the crazy train you rode – so crazy no one can make that shit up!!!

Merry Christmas to all, and wishing you all; the best gift of all, a full life on the peace train πŸ™‚

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago

Ha ha ha!

Glad the kiddies are still with ex so that they didn’t accidentally see some of the pictures!

Merry Christmas, CL and fellow chumps. May there be a New Beginning under your Christmas tree and nothing but coal for your ex-cheaters!

Red
Red
10 years ago

CL, I think that post had more responses than any thus far, yet you managed to break it down into 12 categories. Great job! The similarities are CRAZY!

Kiwi Angie
Kiwi Angie
10 years ago

Freaking funny CL, you are a clever one.

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.

Angie

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago

Merry Christmas to CL and all my fellow chumps. Here’s to a strength-filled and peaceful 2014 for all of us…. Or as Tiny Tim said, “God Bless us, everyone”

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago

CL, thank you for the laughs. I didn’t know I was going to stumble upon a cheaters’ scrapbook when I checked the site yesterday!

To all the chumps and CL, have a blessed and peaceful holiday season with promises of getting to meh sooner rather than later. Thank you for all your wisdom, support and your willingness to be vulnerable. 2013 was made a lot easier and my healing faster because of all of you. By the way, my counselor told me to keep on reading CL every single day. I told her all about the site and she’s pretty impressed with it.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

I second all of these sentiments, uniquelyme.

CL, what a service you do for all of us. Thank you!

RobinLee
RobinLee
10 years ago

Every cartoon is a gem and I thank you so much for including me. Chumplady, I’m not sure you realize just how much you validate us by speaking the truth! Thank you, thank you!

Casey
Casey
10 years ago

CL, that was hysterical!
Merry Christmas to you all and a big thank you for being there for me when I needed it the most. You all are incredible people!!!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago

Thank you for the laugh, CL! I needed it.

I can just hear a choir singing this in song, the soprano voices reaching the rafters: “Nine pounds of porn!” lol

Chrissybob
Chrissybob
10 years ago

Brilliant!

Happy Holidays everyone. Reading here has helped sooooo much so I wish all of you strength and happiness.

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

Dday hit about 7 weeks before Christmas. I kicked ex out after a couple of days. He was still hanging around a lot and his parents were putting a lot of pressure on me to still go ahead with Christmas plans. I was such a wreck I did. But I told Ex that I didn’t want anything from him. He was very upset by this. But he showed up to watch teh kids open their presents and commented on how much I had bought (which was not a lot, by the way). And then he took final OW, whom he told everyone he had ended it with, on a trip the next day and left the kids (whom he was supposed to be spending time with) with his parents. Me and the kids figured it out on New Years Eve when they tried to call him to wish him a happy happy and it turned out he was out of the country and had blown them off to fuck OW. Yep, that was a fun NEwYears. I stayed up for two days packing his crap into garbage bags and texted him to come get his shit immediately. Absolutely worst couple of days of my life because I was falling apart while my kids were falling apart and we realised that he was a total asshole who really didn’t give a shit about any of us.

The best part? He told us we ruined his New Year’s Eve.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Were we married to the same guy?

My STBX told me I “ruined Christmas”, due to some unknown imperfection of mine, but actually because me (his wife) and kids were getting in the way of him spending his holiday with the OW.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

LiningUpDucks, I think we were ALL married to the same guy. Now that we’ve found CL, it is truly uncanny how our experiences are so similar. Tracy should have a post on “How life with a cheater unfolds” – and we can all put check marks on each stage.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I got my “I love you but not in love with you” final speech on a Christmas Day last year. I didn’t find out about the OW until a month later. Those were tough times. A year later? I’m spending the holidays in a beach front resort with my son. The cheater? Miserable and stuck with the OW and her kids. I know why he wanted to reconcile a couple of weeks ago. He wanted to join us. Nope. The best part? Ex and OW had booked a very expensive trip abroad months ago when they were still in wuv (I found out by sheer accident) and that’s happening next week. So cheater ex has forked out thousands of dollars for their trip and then some when they get there. Karma bus seems to be making a lot of U-turns.

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
10 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

They must sit there and think, “When is the worst possible time to announce I am a total asshole who is out to ruin your life? Why I know, it’s Christmas!” Mine did the Christmas Fa-la-la-la-la-FU routine two years ago. It does not appear that the karma monster truck has landed on them yet. But I’m not holding my breath. I don’t have that kind of time.

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago

Mine was my birthday…only time he EVER gave me a present in 18 years. 16 dd picked it out

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
10 years ago

Dr., I am actually shocked how quick and hard the karma bus came for them. I never waited around for it to come, though. I got busy rebuilding my life and learning to love myself. You’re right; who has time waiting for karma? We’ve wasted enough time on them!

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I did a garbage bag move out too. Sooooooooooo satisfying as well as symbolic.

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

I came to CL for the straight talk and accelerated healing. I stay for the wisdom and wit…you all put the FUN in dysfunctional. Happy and merry and new to you, my fellow chumps.

namedforvera
namedforvera
10 years ago

Wishing each of you all the best: May the Karma Bus be on time; may it always be Tuesday and you all get to Meh; and let all have fun in our new lives….we deserve it!

CW
CW
10 years ago

Hoping everyone, the regulars, semi-regulars, and the lurkers have a freak-free Christmas.

(but, to keep with the theme of the post, I best identify with #2)

exrepeatedmeme
exrepeatedmeme
10 years ago

Thank you, CL, for sharing your hard-won experience and clear-headed advice in this wonderful safe place. It’s been such a gift. And especially thanks for your wicked sense of humor, which somehow puts the cheaters firmly in their place and shows them for the absurd immature powerless people that they really are. So much easier to heal and rebuild once I saw the truth.

And thank you to everyone in this wonderful community of caring, helpful and hopeful souls, lurkers and posters. Wherever you are on the road to Meh, and whatever your tradition, may you have peace and joy this season, and may 2014 bring you serenity, love and a happy journey.

RecoveringHoper
RecoveringHoper
10 years ago

I read a lot of the entries and am pleased to see the “7 Fans of Plumbers” made the list. My STBXW was cuddling up to a plumber.

Thank you, again, CL! I’ve had a great Christmas and have spent more time on this site than almost any other over the last couple months. This helps me see through the bullsh*t.

2014 is the quest of “Meh”!!!!!!!!!!!

kb
kb
10 years ago

I have to say that this Christmas, STBX actually gave some decent presents. Oh, there were a couple that fell flat, but he overall did well. In fact, the best in years.

However, the problem is I know he’s sleeping with OW and in fact I happened to see his phone log for Christmas day (he was using the gps on his phone, and I had to use it to call a family member), only to see that he had missed 3 phone calls from OW, and talked to her about 8 times. What this means is that I can never receive anything from him without asking myself what the nice thing is supposed to offset. I do this because I know that he has some kind of balancing thing going on in his head along the lines of “okay, I gave OW X, so I’ll give Y to good old kb. It’s of comparable worth.” This is how I can tell he’s going on breakfast dates with OW. Every time he takes her out to breakfast, he calls me up to find out what I want from the local butcher shop, which is very close to the nice breakfast place.

And this is the real problem with cheating and reconciliation. Clearly STBX is trying to play nice so that the family will think he is a nice guy. I know he’s an adulterer. Nothing he does can make that go away, and because he tries to balance out the bad thing he does with some sort of good thing, he thinks that karma is in his corner. I am sure he’ll be very surprised when he learns that I don’t look at things quite the same.

In my world, a couple of pounds of turkey sausages doesn’t offset the quick fuck with OW.

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
10 years ago

Thank you, Chump Lady — I laughed so hard when I saw my “Crazy in a Sleeping Bag” jumping his way to the coveted Partridge in a Pear Tree spot. And I don’t know how you did it without knowing any physical description of the guy, but it actually resembles my XH. It appears that once one reaches the State of Meh, Chumpy-omniscient abilities are possible!

I hope you had a lovely holiday, and that we may look forward to more posts and support for 2014. Your site has been SUCH a massive benefit to me, and I’ve been recommending it to my newly-chumpified friends and acquaintances. Wishing you and all the fellow chumps a stronger, happier, and better 2014.