Other Woman Suggests We Be a Throuple
She’s in a pick me dance with the Other Woman who suggested that they can all live together as a throuple. Her partner likes the idea.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
A woman I had met a few times, who my partner of 5 years worked with, showed up to my house to ask if we were “still together.”
She is part a group of his coworkers who he goes out with on the weekends. One of the nights we were out, I felt there was something weird going on in the background, but stupid me ignored it. I felt he was being secretive with texts and such. I voiced my concern.
Of course just got told it was nothing and all in my head.
Anyways, I found out from this woman (31) that he had been with another woman they both worked with (who was in my bed while I was on vacation). Then once that girl moved on, that they had gotten together and had been together for about a year or so. She said they had got a place together 4 months before she showed up to tell me the devastating news. She sent me the lease agreement to prove it, along with pictures of them making out and the perfect little family they shared (she has 2 kids).
He was staying there on the nights I thought he was working. I ended up with way too many details of their relationship. Absolutely heartbreaking. I was completely blindsided by this. Especially since I had supported him, to find out now he’s using it to support a family. When confronted, he did everything that was expected in order to reconcile: We went to counseling. I admitted I had my part in him seeking someone else out by not being “sexual” enough. He told the counsellor they were over and she was doing a different job now.
I found out a month later he was still seeing her. She texted me everything that was going on. He once again admitted his faults and said he just needed the time to let her go, but has made his decision and it was with me. He had left the house to “figure himself out” said he has ended up in this Great Depression so bad that he’s lost all ability to love. I tried to help him through this terrible time in his life.
Then I found out he is still connected to this woman.
She had this idea of us living this unconventional lifestyle as a throuple where we all live together in harmony and share finances and vacations and shit.
He had the audacity to bring this up to me a few nights ago. How he would just be so much happier in his midlife crisis if he could just have us both, because she completes a different part of him so he could be whole. He’s also finding it so hard that three women are fighting for his affections. I absolutely lost it!!!!
This man was my best friend. He knew my history, how my ex husband cheated on me. I NEVER thought would do this to me.
All of my family is in a different province and I never made any friends here since I have moved. My 19-year-old son (who lives with us) is even wanting to return to his dad’s as he’s finding it hard to connect here as well.
I’m feeling abandoned, lost and alone. I will totally admit that I have attachment issues so this is absolutely devastating me.
3 Times a Fool
***
Dear 3 Times,
Please stop supporting this fuckwit immediately. He and the Other Woman can go live the throuple lifestyle with some other hypotenuse.
If I were you, I’d move with your son back to your family and some other support network. You’re isolated with this jerk and it’s affecting your decision-making and mental health.
You did not make him cheat by not being “sexual” enough.
That’s some RIC blameshifting bullshit. You don’t control him, or what he did, but you get to choose how you’re going to move forward. So let’s examine what’s happened and other choices you could’ve made. This isn’t an exercise to beat you up — we’re all chumps here — but to show you that YOU are the decider and you matter.
A woman I had met a few times, who my partner of 5 years worked with, showed up to my house to ask if we were “still together.”
As in, your partner had told this woman lies that you were NOT together, and she was verifying his story.
I felt there was something weird going on in the background, but stupid me ignored it. I felt he was being secretive with texts and such. I voiced my concern.
You’re not stupid. You trusted him. But his shady, secretive behavior is a dealbreaker all its own. You don’t need a Schmoopie landing on your doorstep to end things. Actually, you can end it because you don’t feel safe with him. YOU ARE THE DECIDER. YOU MATTER. (Perhaps tattoo this on your forearm.)
I found out from this woman (31) that he had been with another woman they both worked with (who was in my bed while I was on vacation). Then once that girl moved on, that they had gotten together and had been together for about a year or so.
HE IS A SERIAL CHEATER.
He has a double life and doesn’t give two shits about you. Anyone who fucks someone in your bed is someone who despises you. Oh, no! It was just convenient! They’re too cheap for a hotel! No. They hate you. It’s a transgressive power trip. They could screw on the kitchen counter and it wouldn’t be the same violation as your BED. The place you lay your head at night. Or where you’re intimate with your partner. A bed is your safe space. That choice was deliberate.
This is the part of your letter where I’m yelling at you in my head to LEAVE.
She said they had got a place together 4 months before she showed up to tell me the devastating news. She sent me the lease agreement to prove it, along with pictures of them making out and the perfect little family they shared (she has 2 kids).
HE HAS A DOUBLE LIFE!
How do you spackle over — he signed a lease with another woman?
Especially since I had supported him, to find out now he’s using it to support a family.
HE IS FINANCIALLY USING YOU!
We went to counseling. I admitted I had my part
Could we dunk that therapist’s head in a toilet and give him a swirly? (I imagine it’s a him.) What kind of misogynistic, blameshifting bullshit is that?! Your boyfriend HAS A DOUBLE LIFE and it’s your fault, HOW? How are you supposed to know about his secret lease? A Ouija board? Spirits from the afterlife?
Poor sausage doesn’t get his sausage touched often enough? And he can only express his sadness through furtive real estate transactions? FUCK THESE PEOPLE.
Why on earth did you think that reconciliation was the proper response to abuse?
Oh right, there’s a whole industry predicated on it. But look at your forearm again — you are the decider. You MATTER. Do you want a serial cheater, financial abuser as a partner? Not his mythical potential — but the actual fuckwit you have right now and the stains he leaves on your sheets — THAT guy. Is he acceptable to you?
I found out a month later he was still seeing her.
Of course he is.
You can leave now! Pack that suitcase! Call mom and dad….
he just needed the time to let her go,
His time ain’t your time. He can get all the time he wants in his life without you.
He had left the house to “figure himself out”
He’s a fuckwit. There. I figured him out.
Do you want to be in a throuple with the Other Woman?
She had this idea of us living this unconventional lifestyle as a throuple where we all live together in harmony and share finances and vacations and shit.
This is the pick me dance as “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.” I’m sure the Other Woman would love to be a throuple where you continue to perform all the partner appliance jobs she doesn’t want. Like paying the bills. And watching small children.
Look, I’m not convinced the Other Woman suggested this. I think your FW is suggesting this to BOTH of you, and attributing it to you both as your idea. Because cake. Because it’s so nice to dress up his entitlement as sophistication. You don’t want to be one of those conventional, vanilla people do you?
Why, yes, FW I would.
You are the decider and you matter!
Did you sign up for polyamory? Or (as it usually is on this blog) was this arrangement thrust upon you after the discovery of cheating?
Honestly, I don’t get this throuple thing that’s in fashion at the moment. If it works for some people openly and with full consent, okay. For middle-aged straight people, it just seems like some patriarchal Sister Wife shit. Show me two guys over 40 who want to share one woman. That’s half an appliance. Are they fighting each other to unload the dishwasher? I doubt it.
How he would just be so much happier in his midlife crisis if he could just have us both, because she completes a different part of him so he could be whole.
He can look for his missing puzzle piece without you. (Oh, there it is, stuck up his butt. #asswhole )
3 Times, dump this loser. Like yesterday. We all have attachment issues, because we’re humans who bond. Naturally, if you’re fully human, you’re devastated by betrayal. So, I’m sorry. You’re not excused from dumping him. Yes, it hurts. But not nearly as much as having this freak in your life another second.
DUMP HIM.
You know what a give a person attachment issues? Being with a cheater. Break it off, go no contact, and watch your sense of sanity come back once you’ve extracted yourself from the mind fuck blender.
Move back home, with your son. No contact is going to be vital here, I think, because you sound pretty vulnerable to the horseshit that this guy is spewing. Every single syllable he said is a lie.
oh my lord… I must be getting closer to Tuesday, because this made me laugh! Honey, NO!!
Whichever way you spin this, it’s a variation on the unilateral “I want an open relationship after the fact” gambit. I hope that 3 Times is eventually able to see this for what it is and that she kicks the whole flaming dumpster fire of sh*t that it represents to the kerb.
LFTT
I hope the OP listens to your advice. Good on her for reaching out to you – someone finally with some common sense. Oh Lordie, has she ever gone down a rabbit hole of McFuckery! Spackle, Delusions & Bargaining lay at the bottom of it. He’s not your BF sister, he’s just another player playing with people’s lives. I wonder if your son also wants to move because of your romantic entanglement & is not copping to that because your reaction would be negative?
3 Times, you’re not a fool, you were deliberately duped by a selfish, corrupt cheater. Get a lawyer ASAP, and get the best settlement possible using all of this: She sent me the lease agreement to prove it, along with pictures of them making out and the perfect little family they shared (she has 2 kids).
It sounds like it’s time to move as well as move on. All of my family is in a different province and I never made any friends here since I have moved. My 19-year-old son (who lives with us) is even wanting to return to his dad’s as he’s finding it hard to connect here as well. Is your son’s dad in the same province as your family and friends? If not, figure out where you think you will be happiest and best able to connect to new friends and a new job.
Figuring out where to move and getting a new job are challenging under the best of circumstances, and these are not the best. A t least you won’t have to move the creepy cheat of an ex with you, or the bed he defiled. You can start fresh without any ugly encumbrances.
Don
t forget to get tested for STIs ASAP. And find a new therapist, without cheater.
I ran to get the STI, STD, all the ST’s tests done
They aren’t married. So no need for lawyers.
She might, if she’s in Canada. In Ontario, you’re considered to have a common-law marriage if you’ve lived together for three years.
Better yet!
Was I the only one yelling at my phone just now? Holy cow, lady. SHE SHOWED YOU THE LEASE. She gave you PROOF that this FW is a FW. Stop ignoring your own eyes. You are being financially abused. Take your son and go back to where ever “home” is for you both. Block this FW, divorce him fast, and get him out of your life. What a lunatic he is!
Sex in and of itself is not intimacy.
Being in a relationship with someone is not in and of itself intimacy.
Intimacy is truth and honesty.
Lying prevents intimacy.
People have sex without intimacy and participate in relationships without intimacy all the time. You are doing that now, like everyone else who finds themselves here.
If you want to know what guys like him think of women and sex, spend a minute or two reading reviews on massage parlor review websites. If you can refrain from vomiting for a whole minute or two. These men are the lowest of the low. Compatriots of the men who raped Gisele Pelicot.
It was there that I finally met the real unfiltered
in his own words person I married, after spending twenty seven years with him, in counseling (as preventive maintenance) the entire time. It made me sick and drove home that I lost not a marriage but a MIRAGE.
This man is like ABC gum stuck under the table. Yuck, eeeew, gross. Run, don’t walk.
❤️
My story too. A total mirage, absolutely, great image. There was never a real man there, just a shell of one. He didn’t really exist at all. So sad.
Thank you for this clarity about what a guy like this is REALLY like. Women are just walking boxes of kleenex for them except we can make sandwiches too.
You can tell they don’t always think these things through very completely. When OP turns him down (and you will, right?) this is going to make it so much harder for him to pivot to “I never loved you anyway, you sexless old hag” – the next step in the cheater handbook.
I guess maybe kudos to him for trying to think outside the box, but the standard procedure is the standard procedure for a reason. OP’s husband is trying to insert an additional step (“the throuple”) between “the devaluation” and “the discard” and it looks like he’s seeing that the cheater’s handbook is resistant to change. It’s been honed and perfected over many generations and shouldn’t be tampered with lightly.
I did tell him I cannot live this life anymore. Trying to find the strength to cut all contact
“He’s also finding it so hard that three women are fighting for his affections.”
THREE women?? Who is the third woman? He’s already cheating on the hypothetical throuple he’s asking for?
Make it easier for him, and get out. You’ll remove one of those women (yourself) from his equation, thereby solving a third of his problems and ALL of yours.
You’re still reeling in disbelief, but believe us when we tell you that this guy will use you as long as you let him. Stop letting him.
Oh, and also, throuples and polyamory work only when they are based on a foundation of trust from the very start. You don’t have that, so it would never work out, and would only bring more heartbreak.
1st person in workplace happened early summer 2023, 2nd person in workplace happened late summer 2023. Pretty sure there was sleeping with both of them at the same time, not sure why they couldn’t have had this throuple and just left me out of it!
Good point. I guess the third one was the OW who proceeded the current OW. Also, just get out because this is a workplace sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.
And sometimes there’s a danger that they go after whoever has money and our LW has the money. She needs to bail on this, protect herself and son, and let this guy fund his harem fantasies on his own.
Except they aren’t married. So, unless “palimony” is a thing where they live, or common law marriage, or they have a joint bank account, or have a loan in both their names, he has no claim on her money. But I wouldn’t put it past him to try to extort more money out of her.
thankfully none if this is now happening. I was married before, I don’t think I will ever do that again, and I am glad I didn’t marry him though I was close
Another good point. So many of these creeps seem to go through an inexorable process of snowballing entitlement and delusion that makes them progressively more and more deaf to the word “no.” Divorcing and separating finances is the only way to avoid the risk of having joint assets drained in an eventual lawsuit.
CL, I am thinking of a Friday poll. Who thought prior to DDay, this is like ingrained our brains due to our own childhood trauma that a man can cheat if you don’t “put out enough” or be “sexual enough”. I don’t know where I learned this but thought this early on. I am guessing, movies, Hollywood, any other RIC BS.
I love Velvet Hammers definition of intimacy. They nailed it.
And then there’s the question of WHAT is enough? Especially with these guys that need to take pills. Man, erectile dysfunction may be God’s way of telling you to hang it up, bro. Learn to cuddle. Most of these guys who want multiple women are not good in bed anyway. They’re 3 time thrusters or they take an hour and you just have to look for the vibrator later anyway. And they young women they chase are just after money or status anyway and probably cheat on them as soon as they feel secure enough. Hollywood is always pushing sex, sex sells, but it’s highly unrealistic especially once you get past producing kids. No one can – or should – stay in biological heat for ever.
I have learned that so many women have had the same experience and it blows my mind. First I wanted it too much so I stopped cos who wants to be rejected all the time? And then I was “frigid” and uptight and he used THAT excuse to cheat, too. It was never really me. I wanted an authentic, heart centered marriage. Apparently he wanted to screw lots of people but have me to come home to. Well, that was a hard no. After 30 yrs, I went completely no contact. He can enjoy his midlife crisis with everyone BUT me. Good luck to him and his erectile dysfunction. I didn’t cause it.
I’ll second the poll! I had a 12 year old male class mate tell me I should “put out”. Where the F does a 12 year old learn that? Watching porn on their phones, watching their sexist dads, & their horny friends who also are subjected to the same things.
Marriage/committed relationships should be mutual love making and not perverted to a gnashing of genitals. Once a spouse or partner does that, times up on the relationship. It’s hard to hear that & even more harder to walk away. But that’s when they start abusing you & your relationship. I hope to teach my kids when to walk away.
Three times,
Be like my hero and kick this idiot to the curb…three times faster. He is using and abusing you and it’s only going to get worse. Our fearless leader is right-he is welcome to have a throuple(is that how that’s spelled? Huh. Must not be up on my neologisms)-elsewhere. He’s burned that bridge with you.
He has already put you through this three times. He will continue to lie and betray you. This is all about him, not you. He had the opportunity to do the right thing if he was not happy with the amount that he was “getting”. Seriously, what is he doing FOR YOU? This is you making more compromises for this loser to hang around.
This man is not your friend at all-let alone your best friend. Explain to yourself how ANY of this is “friend” behavior-let alone “best.”
It’s not. You were betrayed.
I know that pain all too well-I was with my best friend and she betrayed me. She pulled the same dumb shit in couples counseling(granted that was after the break-up). She unilaterally changed the terms of the relationship and I was expected to compete to keep her and the…actual nothing she contributed to the household. I should not have had to do more to accept less. You’re better than that.
And Midlife Crisis? Don’t make me laugh. I got a LaserDisc player when I hit midlife crisis because I never had one as a poor college kid(and there was a coupon involved, mind you). I don’t understand what makes it so hard for people to make peace with what they can’t have or appreciate the things that they DO have better.
Have a Mighty Monday!
Great question – who cares that he’s asking for more and more – what is he doing for you??
He is doing nothing for me, but causing me pain, and heartache and misery. He was my best friend for 4.5 years, we did have an amazing relationship before all of this happened. This was the easiest relationship of life so far. He is not the person he once was. That is the hardest part of this all, losing that is harder than the rest.
When someone is supposed to be your BF, your “ride or die”, and have your back. They carry the knife to protect you, but instead stabs you in the back with it when you are least expecting it, then just watches you bleed out, that’s the ultimate betrayal.
Believe me, I hear you. As I said-mine was my best friend. She told me that I was the same. I told her-she was my ride or die. I made a lot of sacrifices for her. That is what “best friend” is to me. To her? I was her favorite person that paid for things and made her life easy. Looking back on it(rose colored glasses vs. red flags and all), I see more and more times where I was weak and she withdrew-up to and including when she decided to cheat on me because I “was hopeless.” Rather than address the problem she headed for high ground-particularly painful given all of the “I don’t want to lose you” rhetoric over the years(daddy issues.) It has cemented No Contact-if you can betray a friend because they are no longer useful to you, what kind of friend are you?
It’s a hard vacuum in my life to overcome, isn’t it? I know it gives me a lot of trust issues and not wanting to give that sort of power to another person ever again. I have a need to be vulnerable and to share those parts of my life. It kills me that I doubt people because of that.
You deserve better than continued abuse. Get out!
This IS the person he was all along. He just masked it better during the limerence phase when he didn’t have any alternatives to being with you.
And yeah, there’s nothing like the betrayal of the person you trusted most to have your back the most stabbing you in it, and then going ‘what knife?’ when you fall to the ground bleeding.
dear 3X,
sorry that you’re here, but it’s good to meet you. i hope you’ve found your own therapist to talk to, had a full exam with your GP and STI testing. check your BP. talk to your GP about what’s going on–they can be supportive. mine was integral to my recovery after D-day.
so, he lied. he’s being lying for a long time. and you felt it before you saw it. having a relationship that has no intimacy (how can you have intimacy with a liar?) is destabilizing. so, stick with the facts. repeat to yourself the following: he’s a liar. i have the evidence. why should i trust a word he says?
he is using you for your $$. that’s another fact. and, he’s transmitted that fact to his AP, a woman who is suggesting you all live together, so you can PAY THEIR BILLS AND TAKE CARE OF THE KIDS.
stick with the facts. he’s a liar + he’s using you for your $$. that’s not a relationship.
i’m not going into the learned helplessness and immaturity that your X exhibits when he says things like “i don’t know what to do with the situation of having 3 women chasing me” FFS. what a ridiculous thing to say. he’s like a 12-year-old boy at the buffet who can’t choose between heaping his plate with bacon, brownies, or waffles.
i know, it’s hard. they say the weirdest things and it’s one thing after another and you’re trying to figure the situation out. again, stick with the facts. he’s a liar + he’s using you for $$ + he’s immature and exhibiting learned helplessness.
and you deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this FW.
change your phone number and go no contact with your X. focus on your son. he’s 19. soon he’ll be out of your house–don’t give him a reason to leave early. and don’t talk to him about this whole weird situation with your X.
I wish I could change my phone number, but its a work number.
And unfortunately, my son knows everything because when the crazy lady showed up to my house he was right there, then he went in and my door cam plays everything right to the alexa… thanks alexa!
The things you dont think of when you are being told your partner is cheating on you and how traumatized she is about it… poor thing.
She actually told me, “its easier for you, this is devastating to me, I actually love him….”
Tell your work you are being harassed and need a new number. If your workplace won’t arrange it, and there’s no way to block a number on their phone system, what kind of place do you work for??
SHOW your son how an adult manages their emotions and ends contact with assholes like this. Teach him that this is no way to treat a loved one, and that the appropriate response to being betrayed is to prevent further harm.
“Show me two guys over 40 who want to share one woman. That’s half an appliance.”
Once again CL for the win, using the squeegee on the bullshit covered window to a FW “soul”!
This may happen somewhere but I never see it. I never see Brother Husbands. These guys treat women like herd animals and THEY are special, like they’re the rooster or the sheik or whatever fantasy they’re having, and it’s just a load of bullshit. People always want to have slaves and harems, it’s one of those evil things people get in their minds, and this shit always has to be denied and discarded. Every individual should be valued, loved, and given security and stability – that is the ideal we should pursue as a civilization.
Oh my god. His missing puzzle piece is stuck up his butthole. Laughing so hard.
Once again, playbook antics. I got many of these, the least of which was to open up the marriage AFTER the cheating fact.
The irony of the claim that they have “so much love to give” is that they are completely devoid of love. They are crammed to the rafters with greed and entitlement and it smells exactly like shit.
Coincidence??
More like a lot of venereal disease to give!
Mehitable, no kidding. I got that too as a parting gift. High risk HPV which puts me at cancer risk. I’d like to see him get colposcopies every six fucking months. On this dick.
#Asswhole… hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
Love it. But I hate hearing about what you’re being put through, 3 Times. Between the abuse-rationalizing/victim-blaming therapist, this sociopathic FW, his psychopathic clown brigade and whoever else in their sick work cluster knows about it all, I think you and your son are literally surrounded by evil on all sides and should move far away and cut all ties for safety.
I wasn’t raised religious so, when I say evil, I mean criminality and actual danger. Your hopefully-soon-to-be ex and every individual you’ve mentioned who’s in “cahoots” with him has done off-the-charts spooky, aggressive things starting of course with your partner putting your life at risk through potential exposure to STDs not to mention financial abuse (which is listed as a form of “violence” in the domestic violence advocacy arena), not to mention rape-by-deception in that he continued to pressure you for sex while he engaged in activities that would likely have made you refuse sex, not to mention how he’s been putting your mental health at serious risk through a campaign of aggressive gaslighting.
He’s an abuser, full stop. Like all abusers, the only safe way to factor the risks of the situation is to consider that the forms of “subviolent” abuse you’ve already been subjected to are merely starting plays and the tip of the iceberg. Read up on coercive control (for a good introduction, listen to coercive control legislation spearhead Dr. Christine Cocciola describe the progression. Just swap out the buzzword “narcissim” for “abuser” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyszZ2gJ9sA). Furthermore, consider this guy isn’t operating alone and seems to have gathered a bully gang of equally antisocial enablers who seem quite willing to do you harm. Never mind that recent social research has found a high incidence of psychopathy in so-called “mate poachers,” you have the direct evidence that your partner’s enablers are scary people. For instance, the shocking brass neck move of the current AP showing up at your door with a weaponized report intended to shatter you in order to expedite your break-up. No psychologically normal person would be in that situation to begin with much less confront the victim in that malevolent way.
Like a lot of garden variety antisocial personality disorder types, the AP may never do anything more overtly criminal than pirating cable, embezzling a workplace accounts or slowly draining elderly relatives of pensions but the point is that even the FBI wouldn’t like the odds of ruling out what more these kinds of people are capable of. Like what’s the AP’s next maneuver to win the pickme death match? Slowly poisoning your oatmeal? Then the other one agreeing to have sex in your bed. CL is right– that’s a truly chilling level of gratuitous hostility to someone who’d never done anything to her.
Just the “cahoots” part– willingness to triangulate against an innocent third party– is a dead giveaway for serious personality disorders. If they’re all alcoholics or substance abusers on top of it, that adds to the risk for worse. From a statistical perspective, you can’t really put anything past people who are empathy impaired on this level. At the very least they’d see you infected with cancer-causing strains of HPV and not care a damn if it killed you.
Just being in proximity to people this spooky is like falling into a manure pit: though the sensible thing would be to jump out, the effects of the methane gas make that far more difficult. Yet you would have to take yourself out of proximity to even give your system a chance to heal and regain your own perspective. As far as whether you yourself had some “attachment disorder” that acted like a Voodoo tractor beam that “drew” abuse to you or drew you to abuse, that’s thinking (likely encouraged by that lousy therapist if not all the crappy RIC resources that dominate the web) relates to the moldy old debunked victim-blaming theory in victimology that used to be aimed at battered women and contributed to harming generations of victims and their children in the bad old days. But the takeaway there is that that victim-blaming bit of tripe was specifically designed to shift the blame to battered women. That’s the one little shred of truth you can take from being slapped with the blaming theory– that you are, in fact, an at-risk victim of abuse.
“Just being in proximity to people this spooky is like falling into a manure pit: though the sensible thing would be to jump out, the effects of the methane gas make that far more difficult. Yet you would have to take yourself out of proximity to even give your system a chance to heal and regain your own perspective.”
THIS IS SO TRUE. People are living in toxic, absolutely toxic situations, sometimes literally (look at the hoarder homes for ex), and they have no idea because they’re so used it and people can grow to tolerate almost anything over time. But when you break free, even just a little bit, even one ray of light, and you see what an ugly thing your life has been and what a prison, and you have to break out. Humans are so susceptible to conditioning and a desire for stability that we will do almost anything to avoid change unless we actually feel like we’re gonna die. It almost takes basic threats to existence to force change in many instances. That’s a big reason why it is so important not to become isolated as our Letter Writer has because we NEED the feedback of other people in our lives. That’s how we establish a sense of what “normal” is….”normal” is a group construct and consensus. Not always correct perhaps, but helpful in regulating ourselves.
Great point about social isolation. We’re social animals and need that consistent, supportive community touchstone to maintain a healthy perspective. Regarding the OP, I wonder who drove moving to a small town far, far away from family supports and old friends. Maybe the FW took advantage of the OP’s urge to get a fresh start away from a crappy ex but, considering how this has so far served his devious agenda, he likely didn’t discourage it.
Okay, let me try to contain my rage on your behalf. In fact, this is what I would like YOU to be feeling right now…RAGE. How dare this piece of skunk shit lie to you, deceive you, knowing you’ve been through this before, taking your money to give it to another woman and her kids, and then have the absolute fucking nerve along wit this bitch to suggest you all share his freeloading behind like he’s the latest god out of Hollywood!!!! Woman, you should be OUTRAGED by this. I know you’re shocked, devastated, hurt – shocked mostly – that a person you loved and trusted could do shit like this, but he did and HE IS NO FUCKING GOOD. That’s your bottom line….anything he says is self serving bullshit to get women fighting over him….and HE IS NO FUCKING GOOD. You remember that old Linda Rondstadt song…”you’re no good, you’re no good, you’re no good, baby you’re NO GOOOOOOOOOD”? That’s him.
This relationship is an insult, he is not salvageable. If she is so desperate, probably for money, that she thinks sharing a man is acceptable – maybe she figures she’ll push you out over time anyway – let her have this pile of skunk shit. She can roll around in it and spread it on her muffins.
This man is NO FUCKING GOOD, and you’ve just been isolated too much – it’s a big thing many do, btw, is isolate their spouse so all you’re listening to is the Bullshit Channel. CL is right, move back to where you have support, even if it’s temporary, you need people you know, familiarity, love, support around you right now. If you have to just leave your stuff, it’s only stuff anyway. Believe me, I know….there’s always MORE stuff. Or you can put it in a storage unit, but break all ties with him, especially legal and financial ones and just get up and GO.
As for thruples or polyamory, this is some mentally ill shit, and YES I AM JUDGMENTAL because this IS some mentally ill shit that almost never works out. Sister Wives is always about the man being in control. Frankly, I never heard of Brother Husbands – I don’t think that would work out but women get beat down and unsure of themselves and get into that pick me dance, in their own fucking homes, this shit has to DIE AND BE BURIED UNDER CONCRETE. The Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashonah just happened and I was invited to go to temple and part of the service, the gospel portion, was the story of Hannah, who was a sister wife with some bitch named Penninah….who is specifically described as her RIVAL and who routinely mocked and tormented Hannah for not having kids. Now the husband, some asshole named Elkinah set this up for his own benefit for whatever reasons, and he just didn’t understand why his “love” wasn’t enough for Hannah. Well…DUH!!!! And the Bible is full of these stories of the misery of polygamy and how it works out badly for the kids too. Intimacy is intimate because it’s shared between TWO PEOPLE. You can’t have intimacy in a crowd. Three’s a crowd. More is a show. What do you get out of this thruple bullshit? Well….YOU get to pay the bills for these losers!!!
So put yourself together, figure out what you need to do to break off with this piece of skunk shit, and go back to where you have family and know people. Once you are away from this man, you will start seeing things clearly and you will start feeling better about yourself. Believe me, in no times you’ll even be wondering what you saw in him. But don’t you EVER let anyone devalue you because you are worth more than this guy and all his playmates rolled up into one!
Stay with us, come back to us and let us know how you are. We care.
Word
I’ve never seen an “open” relationship that didn’t involve heavy use of substances. I suspect that has something to do with a flawed operating theory– the idea that monogamy is never “natural” to humans. Hmm. A lot of human history not to mention some leading evolutionary scientists argue otherwise. It may be that, among a few other ways we diverged from our ape ancestors (like not thinking cannibalism, rape and infanticide are groovy), humans have generally evolved to prefer that their partners be monogamous even if they themselves have other plans. So maybe mind-altering or numbing substances are required when people find their emotional responses are not conforming to their evolutionary hypotheses and they still find themselves feeling hurt, jealous, territorial, competitive, etc.
In any event, most open arrangements I’ve seen devolve into chaos. But I can still conceive of the idea that some individuals are wired a little differently or have to make concessions for other reasons. For instance, I know a throuple in their sixties involving two women and one guy. One of the women is bisexual, the other (an artist friend of my parents and former babysitter from when I was five) is gay and the guy is the one “sharing.” Don’t ask me how it’s worked for more than thirty years. Maybe part of it is there are pretty limited options for bisexuals to be long term relationships. Maybe part of it’s that they all look and sound exactly alike– like a rare species of tiny, harmlessly whimsical super nerds. Not “Aspergarian” but I’m guessing (not from first hand experience lol) that freakishly high IQs make it harder to socially “mesh” with most average bears so they created a little society of their own. They don’t foist their choices on anyone else, never talk about it, don’t put down monogamy as a repressive invented construct, etc.
As far as I know this isn’t a poly or “open” arrangement and they’re not bringing in outsiders. Furthermore, I noticed that all seem very sensitive to the issue of sexual consent and intimacy. Like one time we were talking about how I’d tried out many different roles within the media industry and I was asked why I didn’t also try acting. This wasn’t the first time I’ve been asked this so I gave my stock reply: because, despite being a touchy-feely/huggy type of person, I would never be able to tolerate love scenes– having people I didn’t know well or didn’t choose pawing at me. Rather than sneering at my uptight vanilla squareness or insinuating that I must be “damaged” like typical “swingers” would, they all nodded (in unison) thoughtfully and talked about how sexuality can be an inviolable thing for some people and, even if it’s a strong drive, may not for sale or use or separable from the personal. And then everyone wondered aloud in that “Hey, come to think of it” way if this was part of why actors seem especially prone to mental health issues compared to other categories of artists.
So I’d guess the three people above would think the OP’s situation is completely violating to her and abusive. I know polyamorists who aspire to be ethical would say the same because the polyamory world has a long lexicon of terms and red flags to describe the types of people who misuse open arrangements merely to abuse others and the types of abuse, gaslighting and hypocritical rationales they engage in. Those lists get into really nitty gritty specifics and I think I remember reading about the kind of “bait and switch” and triangulation that the OP’s abuser is doing.
I agree with your comment, but I did want to refute this statement: “Maybe part of it is there are pretty limited options for bisexuals to be long term relationships.”
Bisexual does NOT mean you HAVE to have partners of both sexes, does NOT equal polyamory, and does NOT mean you are less likely to be faithful to your partner. It just means you are sexually attracted to both men and women. I am bisexual and FIERCELY monogamous. Once I am with someone, no one else exists sexually for me. I was with FW for 15 years and never thought about another person. My best friend is bisexual and has been with her husband faithfully for over 20 years. It is exhausting to have to keep explaining this to people. It’s no different that a straight person choosing a person to marry and promising fidelity. If all other men are off the table once you marry your husband, it is the same for me, except all other men AND WOMEN are off the table (or vice versa if I were to marry a woman). I have zero and no desire to be in a polyamorous relationship.
Just pointing that out.
Great point that I’ve heard before so I have no excuse for not being more careful in how I framed this. Many apologies. I should have written “limited options for people– rare as they might be– like the woman I know who didn’t seem to want to choose a partner of one gender to the exclusion of the other.”
I wrongly assumed that all the other stuff I wrote about these people being unusual in many ways might have illustrated that I see their situation as an exception. They reminded me of harmless little unaggressive lemurs clinging to tree branches and playing some positive role in the ecosystem. Though I can imagine the guy member of the throuple making an intellectual argument that his partner should bring a girlfriend into the mix on the theory that it would be a more– in his view– natural and fulfilling arrangement for her because these are very hyperintellectual people. But I can’t imagine this guy ever coercing or pressuring his partner to bring in a third party because he got off on it, can’t imagine his partner ever caving to coercion like that or coercing her original partner to accept something he didn’t feel right with and I can’t imagine the “third party” in this case ever getting or staying involved in a coerced arrangement.
They all seem to be very close friends. Maybe the secret is that both women are actually gay and that the guy member of the team was an earlier attachment from a pre-awakening “straight” phase who became so close that no one could give the other up? Or maybe there’s a special kind of loneliness to being a genius (again, I wouldn’t know lol) that leads to a willingness to shuffle around priorities? But given that most cheaters are hardly geniuses, that latter alibi would rarely apply aside from the simple fact there’s never an excuse for coercion and abuse.
I think the polygamy/thruple stuff is 99% bullshit for cheaters to fuck other people. And if you set up the rules for an open marriage/thruple, whatever….they always violate those too. These people refuse to live within rules or boundaries, it’s ALWAYS about THEM. There might be the rare trio like the ones you know who have this as a way of life that they all agree to, but that’s very unusual and they would have to be unusual people. And it takes a lot of commitment and discipline. The overwhelming majority of people won’t and can’t live like this for any length of time. Some women get so beaten down psychologically like that Sister Wives show on TV that they go along with this for some years before they wake up and escape but…..they are beaten down, it’s not a free choice or preference, it’s just what they do to hold on to some man who should roam free like Swamp Thing.
Sometimes young people like college kids experiment with this stuff but they soon find out it doesn’t work. That’s why we don’t have Romeo and Juliet and Tiffany. Or Tony and Maria and Steve. You have to develop intimacy on a one by one basis and the more people that are involved, the less intimacy you necessarily have. The container only holds so much.
It’s interesting to think about whether monogamy is “natural” – as you say, but many things are “natural” like cannibalism or killing infants or whatever, but at some point our remote ancestors came to realize that we had to think LONG TERM if we wanted to have some kind of society. Or some wandering guru taught us this. Monogamy is about building stable, long term families that become part of stable, long term communities that eventually build nations and civilizations. If we spend all our time running around chasing strange…we use our energy for things that are self limiting and don’t build anything that outlasts us. That is why monogamy is important – for a society it builds the most stable, productive ones. It’s also the system that gives women the most rights and best living conditions because as a singular wife/partner you inherently have more value than one of a group. The drive for promiscuity that we have been exposed to for a couple of generations now is destructive to individuals and to society for too many reasons to go into here, but it periodically emerges as a fad every few generations and always dies out because it actually makes us devolve as people.
Wolves are monogamous, so are coyotes, and other animals. It’s NOT unnatural. Lying and cheating and causing harm for selfish reasons IS abuse.
Personally I think monogamy or the lack of it is pretty hardwired in various species even if it’s hypocritically practiced in some. Some hints that, to survive, humans may have had to evolve towards monogamy could arguably relate to aggression, developing larger brains and weaker immune systems.
Regarding aggression, we evolved from the most violent species of ape that ever existed which has made chimps– due to being evolutionarily “conservative” and very slow to accrue mutations, has likely changed very little from our shared ancestors– quasi-suicidal as a species. Not only do they wreck every habitat they occupy but they also kill each other off at very high rates for the sake of mating dominance. Chimp “war” is all about killing off males from other troops and abducting females.
Even within their own troops male chimps reportedly become very agitated and “jealous” watching other males mate with females and get into frequent aggressive conflict in which females are often injured or sometimes killed. Contrast this with the males from a particular breed of monkeys who passively lounge around chewing bark and leaves waiting their turn as females run through the whole battalion. No jealousy, no agitation, no fighting. Apparently this is because the sperm of these monkeys is particularly abundant and aggressive (their sperm actually “assassinate” other sperm as they race for the finish). This does all the fighting for them so the males don’t have to violently compete to pass on their genes.
Humans and chimps, by comparison with many mammals, have very low sperm counts and not great motility so they have to do their own competing.
Maybe when we came down from the trees, started cooking our food and got smarter, we also got better at killing each other. It might have gotten so out of hand that it was mostly the genetic outliers and weirdos who naturally formed pair bonds which in turn reduced a bit of conflict and made those mutants more likely to survive while the rest went extinct.
There may be another deciding factor as well that made it better for humans not to “share” mates which is that we have far weaker GI tracts and immune systems compared to chimpanzees. It could relate to the same “expensive tissue” theory behind the view that the discovery of fire and cooking food gave us bigger brains because, as our guts and immune systems (85% of which resides in the gut) didn’t need to be as strong in order to ward off pathogens from raw meat and break down uncooked fibrous plants, our bodies had enough metabolic energy left over to “spend” on brain development. But that would also make us far more susceptible to “cooties” so, again, it may be that pair-bonding mutants (and also who were more discriminate in general about where they pooped and peed and what they ate) had a better shot of surviving while the more traditionally promiscuous (and indiscriminate poopers) eventually died out.
There are various theories floating around but the above are the ones that seem the most cohesive. Richard Wrangham, who applied the expensive tissue theory to explain human’s larger brains, theorizes that the development of language among early humans may have been largely driven by an impulse to keep tabs on mates through gossip so, according to Wrangham, the “missing links” were already leaning towards monogamy by that point.
In any case, Wrangham laughs off the pop-science theory that humans descended from the kinder-gentler, orgy loving feminist bonobo which is popular among the poly set and promoted by Esther Perel, probably because it lends nonmonogamy more pleasant associations (chimps are equally randy as bonobos but also rape, cannibalize babies, etc. Not so groovy!). Aside from basic carbon dating making it impossible, human history alone argues we were never such egalitarian peaceniks.
I might also note that the more intimacy you have with one person you love – and hopefully are sexually attracted to – the better the sex becomes because you know each other so well, you care so much, and you’re much freer to be yourself, to do different things, to have an orgasm (for women) because you know you are safe and secure and loved. Monogamy leads to BETTER SEX if you try to deepen the intimacy.
I think Frank Pittman makes the same point. It takes commitment and intimacy to build a truly virtuoso sexual chemistry.
Hey, you and your son matter, not him. He is not a prize worthy of anyone. He is such a complicated individual that it requires two women to complete him, I just have to laugh.
That’s kind of like how, as people with celiac disease, my kids and I will have to take certain vitamins and minerals in supplement form for the rest of our lives because the specific parts of our intestines that would otherwise absorb those nutrients were damaged and scarred by past exposure to gluten and will never again absorb those things from diet alone.
There’s probably a parallel there due to whatever horror show FOO experiences most domestic abusers had in childhood that “scarred up” their ability to love and absorb love from normal channels. Apparently they require “supplemental nutrition” in the form of rando booty. But where the analogy falls apart (and where my sympathy ends) is that, in the case of cheaters and other domestic terrorists, the “extra nutrients” being consumed by the “damaged” person are human souls.
I’m even careful to purchase supplements from fair trade companies that don’t derive source ingredients from slave labor or environmental devastation so I really don’t relate to this willingness to do harm in order to survive.
Just wanted to comment please don’t make the mistake that I did. I am so glad you responded with anger and reaching out to CL. My mistake: I actually agreed to the thrupple with one of the many many MANY affair partners. The consequences were: loss of self respect and boundaries, a nasty infection that lasted months, cheater STILL continued to cheat on me, cheater also abused the other partner and actually managed to destroy their life with false accusations, cheater angrily confonted me about cheating on cheater with the other partner in a terrifying exchange in which I beleived cheater was going to kill me if I made a wrong move, after I FINALLY left this circus cheater proceeded to harass and stalk me. Don’t do it. Just leave. The promise of the thrupple solves nothing and only becomes an excuse for them to abuse you further.
omg… that’s like a movie…. I am so sorry you went through all that. It is very courageous of you to speak of this, I’m sure that was hell to recover from. Glad you are safe now!
Yup, this is the way it usually works out. So glad you escaped this and thank you for sharing your experience because as awful as it sounds, you are helping other people avoid this cheater trap.
Thank you for saying that! I hope that sharing my experience helps someone to not repeat my mistakes. It was terrifying towards the end and in the aftermath and I spent a long while after escaping fearing for my safety. It DEFINITELY did not improve the relationship one bit and took it from survivably abusive to suddenly wildly out of control fear for your life and other people’s lives abusive. The thrupple was an abuse fire accelarant.
It absolutely DOES help, and I hope you can share it with young people too in some way. Especially as our sick society is promoting these kinds of ideas which are so destructive, IMO. So many women are kind of mentally bludgeoned into this bullshit because most women really just want to get along….we tend to try to form consensus rather than bullying people and I think women feel like, oh if I’m good and patient, it’s just a phase, he’ll come out of it, or he’ll realize I’m the best, and that’s not what happens. It’s also important that people know about how physical abuse and infidelity – and often financial abuse – are so often linked. Because people who shit on you, shit on every part of you. You’re very brave to have survived this and I hope you thrive from here on in!
Thank you for saying this! “t’s also important that people know about how physical abuse and infidelity – and often financial abuse – are so often linked. Because people who shit on you, shit on every part of you.” So much this. All forms of abuse for sure. I would emphasize sexual abuse personally as that’s what cheater did most to me and many others. The cheating was just one single facet of the whole monster package. That experience seems deeply shared among this community…
Dear god, so sorry you went through that
Thank you for listening and your support! <3
How did I know he was already cheating and wasn’t the least bit sorry for violating the terms of our marriage and living a secret sexual basement life? He presented me with a book on polyamory and made me have to swish the disgusting taste of that self-serving, self-centered decision around in my mouth. And I did it. Because I was married to this liar. Because I had loved him. Because we had an infant child. Get out. Get out now. There is no reason to be attached to this parasitic piece of human excrement any longer, except for the lies your heart is telling your head about who this man really is. I am so sorry. It’s the most devastating mindfuck I never thought I’d encounter in my life.
I’m so sorry that he, she and others have caused you this much pain.
They are clearly both completely delu-lu about what prizes they are.
They’re conducting themselves like they’re throupling in the Court of 18th century Versailles- all King Louis and Madame du Barry like – but I’m getting a distinct picture of 21st century banality.
Yawn, yawn, fuckity yawn.
You deserve infinitely, infinitely better than these pieces of low grade rubbish.
You deserve respect, dignity and a real authentic love and intimacy. NOT the role of perpetual third wheel in a household led by skanks. That’s a vacancy you’re too magnificent to fill.
Please remind yourself frequently – you didn’t sign up for this rubbish. You deserve infinitely better.
I think I would be so tempted, were the throuple suggestion to be made again by either of them , to give a bit of a ho hum, yawn response.
Hint that he’s just not high calibre or attractive enough to you anymore to warrant the extra logistics.
“Hmmm, throuple you say? Yeah….I thought about what you said…. but yeah, nah….”
I agree with the comments here about protecting yourself of course . Get that oxygen mask on, find emotional and geographic safety with those that love you.
On the down low, get the financial, therapeutic and legal expert support you need. File. When the moment is strategically right go completely no contact with the lot of them.
Their toxic verbiage must be polluting your sense of mental balance.
Concentrate on beautiful you and your son.
Leave them to it. They sound (and are) as boring as bat shit. A throuple does not a sophisticate make….
Hugs.💕
“I’m getting a distinct picture of 21st century banality. Yawn, yawn, fuckity yawn.”
I feel like I get to witness frequent spontaneous bursts of literary brilliance here. Yay, yay, fuckity yay.
“That’s a vacancy you’re too magnificent to fill.”
LOVE this!
After 37 years together and finding out he had been “exploring” his sexuality the entire time, FW declared that nothing had to change. Weekends would be for his happy endings, and he granted me permission to “date” one of my guy friends. WHAT A NIGHTMARE. It is a miracle I survived the trauma, (secret sexual basement style). Lost trust can never be recovered after 37 years of lies, secret shenanigans. At 70 I start over. Lost my home, my parter, my tended garden of 30 years. My financial security. All gone in an instant. No pick me dancing, just 2 by 4 TRUTH. It took 4 years to settle my overactive amygdala. Living one day at a time. I WILL NEVER BE THE SAME. Part of me died and the new growth has sprouted. No going back. Thank you Tracy, U R A lifesaver.
70 here too. 30 years for me. It’s beyond devastating. One day at a time is exactly right. I don’t ever expect to fully heal. Too much damage. But I know that I’m a good empathic human and he’s what I refer to as the “undead”. He’s dead to me. Completely no contact.
Dear dear CarolinaChump. The scale of your loss is staggering and yet, here you are, You are truly mighty and also magnificent. I wish you so much new growth. Much love.
I am so sorry you went through this. They are just words, but I mean it. I’m nearly 70 myself so I can imagine what you are going through. So glad you are making it. Out of curiousity, what happened to the asshole? Nothing bad enough, I fear.
If you don’t agree to this arrangement, move far away. You can’t fix someone’s desire to stray, period. If you don’t want other women being intimate with your partner, move on.
My ex wanted to try a threesome. Nope. He asked me if I knew what an open marriage was. Nope. He went to a massage parlor known for happy endings. Nope.
Then he took off. Yup, the garbage took itself out. I had a lot to work through, but the marriage was over in my mind when I started with my attorney. Sure, I felt wavery at first, but nope. The marriage had to end.
Quoted for TRUTH: “Show me two guys over 40 who want to share one woman. That’s half an appliance. Are they fighting each other to unload the dishwasher? I doubt it.” 💯
RUN 🚩🚩🚩🚩
When an ex-boyfriend asked me for a threesome once, “I said right on, I know a guy that’s hot!”. Well, the look on his face haha. Shut him up quick. 99.9% for certain their threesomes don’t include another man!
I don’t get the men with 2 women thing. Most of these cheaters can’t satisfy one woman, what are they gonna do with two?
Many years ago, I hung out with a group of blokes in their early 20s in a UK inner-city where many were unemployed, broke, variously marginal kind of people. One of them went by the nickname (everyone seemed to have a nickname) of A*** the Pervert. He was fairly horrible and had a substantial (I was told) porn collection at a time when that must have been on VHS. One of the most entertaining stories about him was the one time he persuaded two women to go to bed with him. The venue was apparently a small town miles from the city centre, and it cost him his last few quid to get there. When he did get there, the women fell out with each other and he had to walk 15 miles home. It still makes me smile 🙂
This hit home for me in so many ways. The “undead” as I refer to him since I’m 100% no contact, said he “needed more time to make a decision” between me and the coworkerwhore, also that he needed “time” to let her go, and he could love both of us, but in different ways. I heard it all, trust me, and it was a time like all of us, when I was most vulnerable to maybe thinking he actually cared about me (after 30 years). He started talking about polyamory stuff too, AFTER he had been living a secret double life and cheating. It’s so sad to hear about women who have been in the same boat and need to walk this hellish painful journey. I’m not at meh yet cos the damage I’m healing from was beyond cruel, but I’m peaceful now.
Answer: “Sure, you can have as much time as you want because I’m divorcing you.You’ll have plenty of time after that.”
Pretty much what I said. Now he has all the time in the world.
Dear 3 times, CL is absolutely right. Just LEAVE. RUN. You should’ve already left. After some time will pass and you’re out of the brainblending phase, you’ll regret not leaving sooner. We all do. And my FW was not nearly as bad as yours in the months after D-day, he really put a mask on of “I would do anything and everything for you” for a long time. Guess what. It was still fake. Just took some time for me to really see it and accept it. Your FW is just showing you who he really is. Believe him and leave all the disfunction he created. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t love you. There’s nothing there for you. Get angry and start moving. You won’t be lost and alone for a long time, you’ll find peace soon. And even if you’ll still feel lost and alone it’s still better than being lost and alone AND abused by a FW at the same time.
These kind of cheaters are just fishing for bottom dwelling woman who will do what their told. Like pimps or whatever you call them today. The manager of a harem. It’s the same thing. What can I get away with and who will obey my wishes. Lying is the same as breathing. There is no winning. Leave NOW.
First of all, thank you for posting my story CL! I am so happy I found a safe place where reconciliation is not thrown down your throat. Do you know how many self-help books I could find in Chapters that were about leaving and healing…0! So I made the mistake, and I purchased the “submit, admit faults, give patience and understanding, blah blah blah BS!!”
Same with the therapist, yes it was a male, and he actually said to me “he is drowning, and is just trying to grab onto anything that is around him. You weren’t there to throw him a life-line… she was” and I was like “oh ya, that makes so much sense” WTF!!!! Some of you have asked me why I stayed… this is why… My head was manipulated by therapists and the people around me saying reconciliation is the only way, the only choice, and it works! So when the throuple came about I said no way is this okay, there has to be another option, and I somehow stumbled across you amazingly strong people who are taking a stance.
I do need to make some little note to clear some things up since not everything can be in your story:
– I was supporting my partner before he left, now he is supporting me. He knows he fucked up and owes me that. I am no longer being financially abused. Thankfully not that fooled
– My son was planning on leaving over the summer to go to school, it didn’t work out for medical reasons and also a reason why he is going back now, there are no specialists in Ontario, let alone doctors, but that’s a different conversation.
– I, unfortunately, cannot find any job within my field right now back home, and get paid very well and would have a hard time leaving that now I am established here. I am looking daily, but so far not successful
I’ll try to comment on other things as I stumble across them, sorry I wasn’t around yesterday, for some reason I could not log in.
Oh, and I must be really old or something, but I have no clue what any of these abbreviations mean. Is there a glossary for those somewhere? Lol
Thanks to every one of you for showing your support, I need help through this badly, so if I can make some connections here with people who believe that leaving is empowering, I would really appreciate you helping me find ways to love myself enough to run!
As someone who stayed way too long trying to figure out my part in his “naughty” behavior (his cute words for betrayal) Stop thinking and GO. Run faster than you thought possible. My X also entertained in my bed and offered me a new mattress as a means to help me cope and take him back. Yup,the problem was the Serta, not the serpent in my bed. Mine also suggested a throuple of sorts because he too was enamored of both of our roles in his miserable middle aged entitled mind and needed and wanted us both. I want to eat french fries and M&Ms at every meal and call it health food. He’s all yours other woman, best of luck in your new mattress shopping.