OW Taunting, Hard to Be ‘Meh’
The Other Woman (OW) is taunting her. How can she keep her cool? Why does the OW want attention so badly?
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Dear Chump Lady,
I won’t get into my entire chumped history (newly divorced, narcissistic FW lead open affair during my entire pregnancy last year, failed reconciliation twice, he finally divorced me for his affair partner, who knew I was pregnant).
I have done a tremendous amount of work both in therapy and spiritually. And I love my newfound life, but still find myself grieving what I thought I had and what should have been with a man I have been with for half my life.
I still find it really hard to watch his new life unfold before my eyes.
Just 12 weeks after we divorced FW closed on a half a million dollar home with his affair partner (AP), whom he had assured me was no longer in the picture.
Last I knew, he was hurting for money and work (he is a self-employed landscape designer and stone mason). I was the breadwinner on paper. My two daughters, ages 4 and 10 months, are not allowed to meet any significant others until May 2024, which means his AP had to keep her lowly apartment to live in part time. My FW must be a real prize for her to agree to buy a home with him that she can’t live in 7 days a week.
I am writing to you because I feel myself inching closer and closer to meh, but then have a setback when, for instance, he bought the house with her (and she thinks she’s getting a happily ever after fairytale). I’m sure that elopement or engagement are not far off given he needs health insurance and needs to prove that the decision to abandon his family was the right one. After all, he believes he is dad of the year based on brand new bedrooms he put together in his new house for our daughters.
The OW has no qualms about taunting me that she “won”.
Logically, I know she won a narcissist who will suck her soul out over time, but obviously there is still some kind of trauma bond for me that still exists. With everything seemingly moving so quickly and I am still raw over an affair during such a vulnerable time and a fresh divorce, what are your best tactics to get to meh and stay there? I am no contact unless it involves the girls and we use a coparenting app. I still find myself occasionally pain shopping on social media. Thank you for empowering chumps everywhere.
Chumped Mom Getting to Meh
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Dear CMGTM,
I could just tell you how much these two people obviously suck, but I’m not sure that’s going to help you right now. You’re still deep in the injustice and fresh off a divorce, single parenting a preschooler and an infant. Lean in here for a big, squishy Chump Nation hug. Feel the solidarity?
Now then, I’ll tell you what helps me choke down life’s shit sandwiches.
I ask myself, “What next?”
Fill in whatever horror or even banal disappointment. You didn’t get the promotion. Your mother still invites your ex to Thanksgiving. The Other Woman is living in a new $500K house.
Ball’s in your court. What next?
Face your fears and accept the worst. Okay, they won. She gets all the goodies, and you get a flaming bag of dog shit. WHAT NEXT?
Watch the dog shit burn? Or fling it and flee? What’s your next move? Just break the heartbreak down. Step by step. What’s your plan for today?
You don’t have to achieve meh now. You just have to figure out your next move. Maybe it’s “I Will Not Stalk Them on Social Media.” That’s your goal. You’re going to go pull weeds instead. Or have a Paw Patrol party with the 4 year old. Or get a sitter and take a well-deserved break. I mean, Girlfriend, you only have so many hours in the day. Do you really want to spend it on Schmoop’s Instagram feed? That’s precious time that could be spent unclogging a toilet.
BUT THE INJUSTICE, TRACY!
(Sigh)
Sometimes the fuckwits win. The OW is doing her triumphant pick-me-dance conga line. It’s just a window in time. It’s their window — just focus on your next.
That is not a satisfying answer, Tracy.
Okay, Trust That They Suck. These are two fuckwits in a house they can’t afford. Can they afford it? Then I think your child support needs adjusting. Is she paying for it?
That’s gonna end well. Or maybe she’s just so desperate for dick that she’ll buy a house with a guy who abandoned his pregnant wife and small child, such is her super specialness. She’ll finance a house, finance him, do whatever it takes to win the turd.
That person is taunting you?
That morally corrupt, broke-ass idiot wants a reaction from mighty YOU?
Look, it hurts when someone we respect rejects us. But when someone you don’t respect thinks you’re less than? Why should that hurt?
Do you want to be her? Is your ex such a prize?
He’s just a corrupt person you thought was more. She won a monster. A man who can cheat on his pregnant wife.
I bet you think he’s only a monster for you. And in your darkest moments you feel like you failed somehow to make him behave this way.
No. He’s just a monster. Good men don’t court gonnorhea. They don’t fuck their pregnant wives when they’re fucking someone else. They don’t goad vulnerable partners into humiliating contests. Only MONSTERS do that.
She won a monster. They live in a monster house with matching monster throw pillows.
The Other Woman (OW) has no qualms about taunting me that she “won”.
How is the OW taunting you if you’re no contact on parenting software? Is there some fuckwit Mardi Gras parade going on? Stop looking at Monster media. And if she’s literally taunting you? Stand up to your full height with your best bitch look (Channel my Grandma Vi) and stare back. Who does she think she’s condescending to? Condescend right back. Be a dear, go put some ice in my drink. That’s how you face monsters.
Better days ahead, Chumped Mom. You’ll get there.
It’s so heartbreaking that people (letter writer in this case) have to go through this. The fuckwit is one horrible matter, but I will never for the life of me understand a woman who would be happy to help destroy a family and who would think the FW is a prize when his scum of the earth behaviour proves otherwise.
Keep taking care of yourself as much as you can. Every single act of self love and self-care will eventually add up. Pain shopping will set you back every time – believe me I know unfortunately. This is a crappy hand you’ve been dealt. I’m so sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you’re doing great in so many ways. Really stop looking at social media, it’s all a façade anyway – they are up their own ass.
Speaking of side pieces who are happy to destroy families, there’s the horrifying case of Lucy Letby. Except it seems it wasn’t enough for Letby to be a home-wrecking accomplice to a cheating doctor and father of two (who surprisingly is not being investigated for initially shielding Letby from suspicion). That was just Letby’s warm up.
Obviously not all side pieces are serial killers or we’d all be done for. But, to be honest, it’s the first thing I suspected and cross searched when I first saw the headlines if just because I sense something malevolent about someone’s willingness to act as a proxy to domestic abuse, particularly when there are children involved. It’s a kind of Rubicon where, if someone is able to cross it and even court the risk of harming kids, what can you safely put past them? That’s why I wanted to suggest a Friday challenge to list any way in which chumped kids may have been harmed by the actions or attitudes of APs whether from callousness, greed, competition for attention or outright cruelty and ways in which FWs’ allowed these things to happen.
‘Obviously not all side pieces are serial killers or we’d all be done for’ 😂
But they are relationship killers aren’t they!
I know there’s FW supreme, but OW FWs get a medal in zero empathy and true Narc entitlement also.
Hey, my alias was inspired by the AP’s nickname for me: “Devil woman.” Never mind that she’d never once met me and was in the process of gobbling through the kids’ college funds to pay her epic bar tabs. And never mind that she repeatedly wished me dead. I was somehow the irredeemable “demonic force” in the scenario (while nearly single handedly caring for three kids and trying to make a living)?
Obviously the AP wasn’t alone in wrecking a family. But I don’t understand the typical defense that APs aren’t deserving of any blame because they didn’t make vows. It’s not like prosecuting the getaway driver automatically subtracts from the sentence of the main bank robber. There’s plenty of culpability and Cluster B traits to go around!
I think it burns me so much because they are often deemed free and clear because of that ‘didn’t make the vows’ saying. But the reality is, OW’s who know the FW is married, generally do more than just drive the getaway car. They are instrumental in the demise of a family and seek to replace the wife at all costs. They deserve a fair chunk of blame too.
This is absolutely true. I can tell you that when FW and I were reconciling, and I was 8/9 months pregnant she did everything she could to gain his attention. She even planned a weekend getaway to a place he had been wanting to go (he didn’t go, and she went alone). She has painted him pictures of things that appeal to him, wore his sweatshirts and posted pictures in it the weekend we were in the hospital and I was giving birth), and even started managing his business website and took away all my site access. Before the divorce was even finalized she brought him to a wedding as her guest. It takes a truly disturbed individual to pine after such a thing….
I get very depressed when I recall all the ways in which the AP competed with my kids for FW’s attention. I’m able to fathom how side pieces might try to square off with spouses for cheaters’ attention. It’s sick and twisted and typically one-sided if the spouse doesn’t even know the AP exists, but I’m at least able to wrap my head around the concept. But learning that the AP ran out to get a full bum-wax (not kidding. She made a last minute appointment and nearly got into a car accident getting there) because FW had to break a secret date with her to stay home while our son was having seizures did some real damage to my faith in human decency. It was like “Damn that attention-grubbing kid for nearly dying! Tsk, I can top that with a hairless twat!!!”
She also suddenly started demanding money to pay for a very expensive musical instrument that she hadn’t touched since seventh grade on hearing FW brag about how our son– the one who barely survived infancy– got into a college music program at age 14. It’s like looking into the seventh ring of hell to conceive that anyone could be that monumentally callous and self absorbed. There’s no bleach strong enough to sterilize my brain. I think of it every time my son has another seizure aura (rare now, thank God) and want to sink into a heap and cry.
This, Zip, this is what I feel too….I have so much anger towards people who would do this to a woman and her small child and infant. I cannot even imagine this level of evil, not only for this foul FW to abandon his family but for this WHORE to encourage it and then to try to rub it in this woman’s face. And no doubt the whore will want a family of her own with this POS. I do think people like this should face LEGAL CONSEQUENCES for what they do and I think adultery and abandoning your family should be PUNISHABLE CRIMES. Otherwise it’s just poor betrayeds like this woman trying to deal with not only the anguish of abandonment on top of giving birth, and raising two small children, while dealing with this massive level of evil which NONE of us should tolerate. The answer should be a societal one. It used to be and we need to go back to black and white and no more areas of grey. Moral areas of grey is where society goes to die.
I agree, Mehitable. But really the US courts do.not.care.
This is hard to accept. FWs and APs will not be punished for fraud or even assault if you are gifted a disease from these freaks.
I still get angry when I jump into this thought loop. It IS injustice. And I recognize I need 3rd party help to sort through this. For chumps we need to focus on positive forward motion, even in small steps sometimes. This is hard and instead of speaking at length of the injustice, we need to prioritize those steps we can do every day to move to MEH. Steps that have a positive effect on our lives.
So fresh off the divorce (from a marriage where you were the main breadwinner) “they” bought a $1/2 mil house that he gets to live in but not her. Sounds like her comeuppance is already hitting home. He tricked her well, didnt he? Yes, she did win a monster.
Healing does take time and Chumps normally require a bit of space and time from the end of the marriage to really start to heal and gain objectivity. Trust CLs suggestions, live your life and one day you will feel more Meh than you ever imagined possible.
It’s too early for meh. Focus on fortifying those boundaries. With a bit more time and distance, you’ll come to believe what “sane” people know – FW and OW are creeps. Then what? You will make decisions which reflect your values.
Exactly. Meh takes time. And you are dealing with a big injustice. The person you trusted most treated you abominably. I’m nearly 15 years out of a 25-year marriage. For me, meh didn’t fully arrive until all the kids were over 18 which was about 5 years.
Meh creeps up on you when you’re living your life. At first it’s a huge win if you spend entire minutes not thinking about the pain. Slowly, slowly over time that expands to hours, then days, then weeks. Eventually I realized that the monster I was married to is still a monster, but his bad character does not affect my daily life. Going through that experience has changed me. I’m more compassionate than I used to be, and I’m also more able to see through the facade of the bad people. Life is good on the other side.
If a total stranger pistol whipped you within an inch of your life and left you for dead, it would make sense to me if you never felt neutral about that person.
That the person you were supposed to be able to trust the most did that, with the help of a willing assistant? It makes even more sense that you do not feel
neutral about it.
Some reach neutral about their intimate assailants. Some may always feel a charge. Both are normal.
I found out in June that Traitor Ex bought a 700K condo with the Craigslist cockroach, who he has sworn for years is history. He deeded half of it to her. She was a roommate in a crummy house in a bad neighborhood when they met. Now she is Cootie Queen of the Condo. He sees this woman more in a day than he sees our daughter in a month.
My feelings are similar to our letter writer today. But my feelings are not about being bonded. It’s about being assaulted and soul raped and left by the side of the road like trash, and so has our daughter.
It’s called rage.
Really sucks. FW holds the mortgage on commercial property he sold days after divorce and deeded half to 33 years younger AP. Maybe it’s because he owes taxes to IRS idk. All in all a big FU to our 3 adult children, all older than AP
Wow, that is devastating. One might marginally “understand” that an ex would shit all over the spouse they abandoned….it’s another big load of crap. But to do that to your KIDS is unspeakable. I don’t understand how they can treat their kids this way – no love, no honor, no concern for their future, no concern for their OWN future….and who is going to take care of you when you’re a disgusting old fart except your kids? No one’s gonna wanna kiss that crusty old face or touch those nether regions except for diaper changing. Your kids are the fruit of your body, they are your legacy to the world, they are the future….as the song goes. How can people do this to their KIDS. The lowest of the low.
I would feel the same way, I’m not sure I could ever get past the rage I would feel towards someone who treated me and my kids like that. It was hard enough for me to get past being dumped on my own but we weren’t married and thank God had no kids. It just blows my mind what some people are willing to do to THEIR OWN FAMILIES. Their own children. I don’t think that man should EVER be allowed to see his kids. I mean…ever. Unless they wanted to as adults. But I would never forgive him and I don’t think some people or actions deserve forgiveness. Forgiveness is way over-rated and it should be earned…not “given”.
“My feelings are similar to our letter writer today. But my feelings are not about being bonded. It’s about being assaulted and soul raped and left by the side of the road like trash, and so has our daughter.
It’s called rage.”
Preach!
Velvet Hammer, I’m so sorry for your horrendous experience also. The stupidity of these people, FW, their AP, flying monkeys, etc really astonishes me! I guess that’s because we chumped, are all sane, reasonable people who would never make such risky decisions. I hope you too find meh over time… even if not bonded, it’s an awful feeling to have been discarded.
CMG2M,
I’m not sure how sane and reasonable I am, but I do know that my feelings are accurate for what has happened, as are yours.
I am glad not to be married to him but going on six years, I do honestly have episodes of pain and anger to manage, especially since he was the Baby Cheerleader, very much on board starting a family, and left her in the ditch too. I had her at 43.5 years old (I got pregnant very easily after surgery to remove fibroids) and we had been together sixteen years, so there was a very long lead time to exit if he did not want to honor the commitments he made.
VERY big hug to you. Your feelings sound completely normal to me according to the circumstances. It is really awful and uncomfortable, but I have found that respecting
and acknowledging my feelings is the quickest and only way to the other side of them and allows me to experience episodes of peace and contentment too.
Velvet Hammer, you sound reasonable and sane to me!! And you’ve been through a lot, too! I have also found that acknowledging my feelings, sitting with them for a bit, and then picking myself up again shortly after also helps me move on slowly but surely. Of course for nearly an entire year or more that felt impossible as I was in a near constant fight or flight mode and always on edge. It takes so much work to get to that point. Props to you for continuing to push yourself too.
That being said, I am also glad glad glad I am not married to him, which in my book is a major win.
I spent half my life with Traitor Ex, had a child with him, unfortunately still own a business with him that we built together. Even when and if I can go completely no contact, it’s a war wound that flares up and needs periodic cleaning. Yes, I wish it didn’t hurt, but that’s not how it is.
I look at it as chronic emotional pain management, and I treat it accordingly, which has been very helpful to me.
In case anyone here today needs a reminder that things like being in a relationship, living together, getting married, buying real estate, and having children are proof that one is a mentally healthy emotionally mature adult, I submit the following as proof it is not:
https://www.reddit.com/r/iamatotalpieceofshit/comments/br0cmi/just_throw_this_woman_awayfound_on_facebook/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
It’s not the initial act doing those things that signifies emotional maturity. It’s how the commitment and the agreement is honored afterwards.
I hope that this couple never married. OMG. What a horrible person.
Please look at exactly who he is. He left a wife and young children for a person exactly like him. This happened to my brother. Not only did she leave she disappeared. Really disappeared. He fell apart for about a minute and then found the outrage he needed to move on.
When I look at who his ex was, and is, I see an incomplete person. That is who you were married to. The charming man she won has no depth. None. Look at what he thinks is important…a large house. Who is going to pay heating, and air conditioning, bills? How about taxes? Look at what he has gotten himself into and with whom. Their life is a surface life. It won’t last. Honeymoon stages never do.
Who knows if it will or “won’t last”. My ex fuckwit married his skank a year after our divorce (8 years ago) and is still with her. She was ‘his best friend’, or so he told me. (It took me finding out after 15 years that he was fucking around on me, and me having to divorce his ass, before he decided to be with ‘his best friend’.) My ex fuckwit was 58 when he married his skank. But you know, it may last because…, he’s getting old, he has to show his kids that he wouldn’t have dropped their mom unless it was true love, and he’s getting old. I don’t know for sure, but even old skanks would rather stay with what they have than risk starting over. Once you start with the wrinkles and go bald, you really have to face the fact that you’re not as attractive as you once were. My ex fuckwit was handsome and charming in his youth. He’s now wrinkled with very thin hair and might even have issues with erectile dysfunction. He has a bad back and kidney stones (or at least he did when he was married to me.) I have absolutely no doubt whatsoever that he’s still the same prick that he was when I was married to him. People’s character does not change. His skank won the turd and I have no doubt he makes her dance to his tune. Is that what she wanted? Who knows? Maybe that’s all she knew and so in her mind, as long as he’s not fucking around on her, she’ll continue to put up with his sorry ass until he dies. Sometimes, the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t. Are they happy? Who cares? All I know is that I am no longer dancing to his tune. He is not my problem anymore. I have more important things to worry about.
Agreed, we have to come up with something else besides ‘it won’t last’. It might!
But just as their relationship with us was an illusion ….
Let’s not buy into their projected fairytale.
Staying together does not equal undying bliss.
I think we can confirm that their initial ´twu wov’ won’t last!
“Agreed, we have to come up with something else besides ‘it won’t last’. It might!”
My FW is not currently with his AP, their affair was ongoing for years unbeknownst to me, but they broke up before we separated. Admittedly, that is a relief because the stuff the letter writer posted about is something that I have so much sympathy for. It’s actually something that I worried so much over in the early days post D-Day. The idea that this AP was going to be around my kid. That I would have to see them because of my kid. I can’t tell you how much stress I dealt with in worrying over that and then, it became a moot point. She’s gone. (And I still worry that she will come back, just because they cut things off doesn’t mean they will stay that way) We split anyway, for obvious reasons.
But had they stayed together, and god forbid, bought a 500k home, got married and /or even had kids, yes, that would have been really hard for me to cope with. But the facts remain. Most cheaters are not just jerks in regards to their vows. From what I see here, and experienced myself, they are jerks in other ways too. In fact, I find it interesting that so many of us chumps put up with so much from our FWs, and the cheating is always the straw that breaks the camel’s back. “Trust that they suck” is the best advice, but yes, it can be hard to follow. But the truth is, the AP that “wins” doesn’t just win a cheater, which is bad enough. They win a cheater that is also just a run of the mill daily kind of asshole, too. So if my FW went off and married his AP and stayed married for a few decades, I should probably remember that the AP is going to have the same asshole behavior for decades, with the added bonus of worrying he’ll cheat. (At least I didn’t worry about cheating on top of everything else, I was blindsided by that aspect)
All so true! I really worry about the day when legally, there are no grounds for her to be around my kids. And they will be around her. They currently live part-time in a house that she signed a mortgage on. What really makes me sick and I try not to think about it, is, while I was pregnant, she attended the same workout classes as me, saw me pregnant, carrying around her “boyfriends” baby… and in just 7 or so months she will be able to be around that baby. My therapist urges me not to get ahead of myself and I’m getting better at it but it’s a likely fact that will happen.
And you make another good point, “they are jerks in other ways too” – this is accurate. My FW definitely has NPD or is very far on the narcissistic spectrum, so in addition to the cheating, I was constantly criticized, handled all responsibilities at home, disrespected, etc. I put up with a lot. I am much more mentally healthy now and for that I am grateful. She can have him!
This is truth. Thank you <3
CMGTM, you say you’ve known the FW half your life and you just had a baby. I’m guessing you’re young and you’ve known FW since you were a child or at least a teenager? You have a whole adult life to grow and move away from this FW (emotionally and physically).
Yes, I met FW at the end of highschool. I’m 34… and even with the trauma I’ve endured, I’m grateful that I this all happened now while my kids are young rather than 10-15-20 years from now.
Well, it may not be much use for me to say this, but most men aren’t like this….it sounds like he just couldn’t handle the adult responsibilities of being a husband and father and bailed to live some kind of fantasy life. I hope you realize this is ALL on him, not on you at all, and that your life will eventually end up much better than his and it might not even be that far out in the future. Don’t rush to forgive him or be too nice about this, what he did truly IS monstrous and evil and really marks him as a bad person. The best of luck to your and your kids from here on in! I think you are right that it’s best this happened when they are young because they don’t have a period of time to compare it to that might make them feel worse. It’s easier to lose a father that you never really had.
Oh you bet! You’re so young and have 2/3 of your life left to live. Enjoy it being fuckwit free!
Dear CMGTM,
thank you for sharing your story. It is truly sad how unbelievably shitty and awful some people are. Getting over a narcissistic FW is fucking hard. The cognitive dissonance is real. I haven’t lived with my FW for almost a year and a half and I still feel sad and grieve on many days, even though in my head I know he is a piece of shit and I’m better off without him. I don’t know where meh is, but it doesn’t feel like it’s anywhere near. And it’s not so much about the FW, as it is about the future you had planned and imagined for your family. Being a single mom and on the verge of being burnt out most of the time, without any personal life or anyone to share my life with at the end of the day really wasn’t my dream or how I imagined I would spend my mid 30s. But here we are.. As CL said, just go one day at a time, step by step, remind yourself as often as you can that he is a piece of shit, which he has more than proven to you.. and that you are way better off without him. And just feel whatever you need to feel – the sadness, the loss, the grief – it’s all valid. Meh will come some day, one day, slowly.. and probably we won’t even realize it.
Sending big hugs!
Thank you for these kind words.. I’m so sorry you too have gone through the pain of betrayal as well, and also grieving a life you had imagined. It’s very real. And that’s also exactly how I feel. I tell myself, and know, that my daughters are much better off that we are divorced; and I would say your kids are too; just knowing that they have a mom who demands respect and lives a life with morals. I hope you have friends and family to lean on <3
Yes, betrayal truly is hard. And I think it changes you forever in many ways. Just the whole perception of the world and people around us.
I do have friends and family to lean on. However, most of my friends are (still) married and busy with their family lives, having second, third, fourth babies.. So, it does get lonely sometimes. And it does feel like I don’t fit in anymore sometimes. It’s just hard to grasp that almost 50% of the time you can be this free and single lady, who can do whatever she wants..and 50% of the time you’re a full time mom with no time for yourself basically. I think it’s the extreme of both versions of the new life that makes divorce and single parenting so hard.
But I do agree that the kids are most definitely better off. Like you wrote, I also tried to reconcile with my FW for over a year. And it was the worst time possible, the lowest I ever felt in my life. These people have a way of pulling you down and truly sucking the life out of you. So think about that when you imagine your ex with the OW, living a happy life. That doesn’t exist. She gets the man who cheated on his pregnant wife, which I believe is one of the worst imaginable. He will do it again. She’s just his next victim, supply or whatever. I have a different situation, where my ex FW is single (probably just fucking around) and is still trying to use me as his primary kibble supply, by trying to trigger me in some ways or just convincing me to get back with him, how he’s changed etc. Both situations are hard anyway. Stay strong!
I don’t get why these people act this way. I really don’t. They think they are all kinds of wonderful, but they aren’t.
Because I was naive and hopeful, I ended up the way I did. I couldn’t believe that my ex was a world-class destroyer, especially because he said he wasn’t and used religious guilt and manipulation. He truly thought he could control the situation and get me back in the end, but I was done. I had to lean into the buzzsaw to get to the other side. It was agony, but the chapters since have been better and better.
The reality for them is that they aren’t building anything that is going to last, but so be it. You can build a wonderful future without them that stands.
So many people leave their spouses or cheat right around life changing events like marriages and babies. These are the things that force them to accept adult responsibilities, especially legally and they don’t want to do that. They want to be perpetual Peter Pans (or Petra Pans) with all kinds of options open to them rather than mature adults that make choices and live up to their responsibilities to build something for the future. They’d rather have options than decisions and live in the eternal present.
CMGTM, Big Hugs and sorry you have to go through this. First off, good on doing the app and cutting contact. The only question is how is Schmoopie taunting you? Is this through your pain shopping? Just stop that because why shoould you care about a FW and a Schmoopie. They are not good people and they are not winners! You are the person capable of loving, you are the person who will be the role model for your two kids, you are sane and stable. They just suck! Don’t stalk their social media because you don’t care.
Sschmoopie may have a big house but you have a big heart. She is going to pay dearly for that house because she has to deal with an abusive FW who will eventually move on to his next victim. That is what her life will be but you don’t care because you are not invested in either of them anymore except what you legally have to do.
You cannot will Meh to happen. It will just happen one day as you start to live for you and your kids and become less concerned with FW and whatever sidepiece he has that day. You will get there. It takes time. Meanwhile feel everything that you need to but trust that they suck!
Thank you Chump Lady for publishing my letter. You have really empowered me to move along and heal faster than I had expected, even with the occasional setbacks (pain shopping, etc).
I am going to write this on my mirror in lipstick, lol, to remind myself every day not to give away my precious time, “Girlfriend, you only have so many hours in the day. Do you really want to spend it on Schmoop’s Instagram feed? That’s precious time that could be spent unclogging a toilet.”
Thank you! <3
I think the “can they afford it” is a good question. In some states, (the one I divorced in) child support can be based on both wages of two married partners. They don’t call it that, but there is a calculation based on full assets etc.
Now one may or may not choose to fight that battle, as there is also a chance of losing custody to the wealthier scum bags; but certainly something to consider.
Fellow pregnant chump here – it is hell on earth. My ex started sleeping with his last mistress when I was 6 months pregnant with our second planned child. Two months after I gave birth, she gave him the ultimatum to choose her or me. It was a nasty and abusive 2 year divorce. He married her a month after the paperwork was signed. He brings her to every school and extracurricular event to rub her in my face.
My ex had his rich buddy by a million dollar house during our divorce and then ‘rented’ it to him for $5k/month while we were still married. Then shockingly immediately turned and bought it once we divorced and it was no longer community property. He wasted tens of thousands of dollars on that property while we were married. He also opened up a joint bank account with his mistress while we were married and put in a million dollars. (Yes, I filed for marital waste in the divorce. No, the sexist judge did not award it to me)
You need to accept that he is going to violate your divorce decree and have the mistress around your kids. I had temporary orders that she could not be around my kids, and he did it secretly including moving her into his house for 1.5 years. They just kept her driver’s license at her old address and testified in court that she was homeless and sleeping on various friends’ couches. I had bank statements from her bank with my ex’s address. The judge could not have cared less. Anything your kids tell you is hearsay and not admissible in court, and your ex will just lie. It is completely unenforceable in court. So accept that it is going to happen and be prepared for it.
This is all horrible but – please don’t discourage the LW from going through the court system or demanding what she and her children are due (with the help of her lawyer). One bad and sexist judge does not mean “it is completely unenforceable in court” and so the LW should just give up and expect this.
Ugh I am so sorry… it is truly a horrific experience and it really pains me that our courts and systems just dont care about infidelity and the impact on kids, etc. It is far too prevalent for them to care. Take care of yourself <3
Yikes! I’m sorry! That sounds like a real shitshow. Hope you are recovering well!
CMGTM, are you living in a half million dollar home also? How does a guy who is hurting for money (and work) buy such an expensive home with a renter? Did he hide assets or lie about his income? Might be time to hire a forensic accountant. As for the rest, I highly doubt the AP goes back to her hovel. She’s sneaking in after the kids are asleep, no question. Plus, if he’s hiding assets, I doubt he’d care about whatever other rules are in the divorce decree. He’s slimy, and the AP will discover that herself in due time.
I’m living in a home that I can afford however my FW who most definitely was hurting for money over the winter signed the mortgage with her on it. Based on tax return documents, how would not be able to buy this himself. She is a lawyer and I assume makes a nice salary. I guess I very well could hire a forensic accountant but that will likely hold me back from getting to a state of meh and healing. I don’t want to stay stuck in this puddle of mud / quick sand.
From what you describe, there is no way their relationship makes it long term. Right now it’s all love bombing and “I’m so excited to embark on this journey with you (i.e. FW)!” but when cold hard reality hits and she feels the resentment and bitterness of taking care of FW and living the actual day to day with someone so narcissistic, she will be miserable. It may take years, but it will happen. I never could have imagined during the pain and despair of being chumped the joy and beauty of my life now. Just focus on yourself and your little ones. And stay off social media- with FW and AP, it’s all image management aka Fake News
Social Media is so often a lie. I have a friend whose day to day life is pretty darn miserable. I know this because we are close enough that I know all the struggles her family is dealing with. No cheating, they just have a lot of unfortunate stuff going on and it makes her entire family really unhappy. If you look at her social media, it looks like they are living it up. You’d have no idea. That’s because sometimes they go on vacations, or do fun things, and they are only sharing that stuff. I don’t think they are managing their image intentionally. I think they just don’t like to share their struggles. But if their social media can be so misleading without trying, imagine what a FW and their AP could present with a little effort?
Oh so he monkey-branched to a Mommy-Wife who would support his lifestyle like the child he is. I’m convinced he just didn’t really want kids without cutting down the time he had to invest and insulating himself with an AP to babysit during his custody while he plays video games or watches football or goes out with the buddies.
Unfortunately it takes time to get to meh. You just had a baby, so your hormones are crazy. You have 2 young kids. You are in the trenches. You are figuring out your new life. Trust that you will get to meh. But be kind to yourself now.
Those taunts for winning the prize will bite her down the road. Never buy into an OW’s specialness or the fantasy they create. Money doesn’t give either of them a character transplant. As OW go, my X, The Limited hit the jackpot of disordered. One might believe she’d be over it nine plus years after I divorced the cheater. Nope, she’s still on a rant telling his family and my adult children of my supposed addictions. And they laugh! Telling my daughters they are just like their mother is in fact a compliment. The reality is that I live better! You will too! Pay no attention to OW who has to fill your shoes with her foot in her mouth.
Nine years and she’s still talking you down? That’s one sick puppy. She won the turd, but it’s not enough. She’s jealous of you for something, and I’d bet the fuckwit taunts her with how life with you was so much better. She’s pissed. Good for you!
CM, huge hugs!!! What you are going through is soooo hard! What kind of man does what he did? He is truly worthless. I get the wedding anxiety.. I had to sit at a table with my ex at my sons wedding. It was very hard! Meh takes it time showing up and will quickly submerge in these situations. So I spent most of my time on the dance floor and talking to old friends. I stayed away from him as much as possible because I really didn’t want to talk to him. I had nothing to say to him that was socially acceptable and managed to screw up my speech cuz of nerves..so embarrassing .
If you are going to a stepdaughters wedding and have 2 small children, it sounds like he has done this before. I wonder if the step daughters mom will be there which could be an interesting conversation. The truth is if you decide not to go, the bride will likely not really notice cuz of the excitement of the day. You’ll be more aware than she will. Or if you do go, stay long enough to wish them well and leave. Really it is totally up to you what makes you feel more comfortable. Or send a gift and just stay home and play with the babies which would be way more fun! Be kind to yourself! You are early in this process so best to avoid emotionally charged situations with a FW idiot and his b$&h
This is a great post. Great advice.
It’ll be repeated many times that meh takes time. It’s worth repeating. It’s not a flip-switch.., more a dimmer.
Somedays are better than others. Somedays suck hard. But it’s early and thats ok. Inside you are slowing changing.
You will get there.
Just today I had a memory of that life and a) it was pleasant to recall and b) I had no negative reactions to this.
It happens often cause I’m about 6 years out. Just saying it’ll happen.
Start by turning up your dimmer!
I love that analogy. Thank you for the kind words <3
May 2024. 6 year old know it all with boundless energy and a 2 year old still in nappies. Have fun step mum. Meanwhile ……..
I had to find my consolation elsewhere as my fuckwit didn’t leave me until our sons were in their twenties and on their own. I was tormented that now, because he had no family responsibilities, he cold go out and do all of the fun things that he was supposed to do with me in our middle age. That’s one of the good things about raising and saying goodbye to your kids, i.e., that you can finally do what you’ve been wanting to do. Well, he did, and left me devastated. I found consolation knowing that he’s now taking care of the skank’s elderly parents, taking them to and from doctors’ appointments (because the skank is still working towards her retirement), picking up their medicines and groceries. I also found consolation that he put his kids’ (not our kids’) children (his grandchildren) ahead of her. That must truly piss her off. She didn’t count on having to compete with his grandchildren for his attention. And like I said before, he didn’t get a character transplant. He’s the same prick with her that he was with me. Do I know this for a fact? No. But people don’t change. He’s still a dick.
Clumped Mom, I remember the year after my divorce, and all those years before. Five years out now and it does get getter. The pain will lessen, you will start to objectively see more of who he really is and how lucky you are to be without him. Keep taking the steps forward!
Do yourself the biggest favor and shut down the social media lines. If that means you block him and/or unfriend flying monkeys, so be it!! Believe me, giving yourself this gift from knowing and stewing over things you cannot change is the way to peace. You don’t need this…
Thank you… trying my best to disconnect from them all and also working through my best interests in therapy.
Dear CMGTM, These skanks will never changes! Soon they will begin to distrust each other, because they are both skank cheaters. A relationship born from cheating is doomed.
In reality…Winner, Winner, Chicken Dinner!! You are the winner in the whole ugly story. You are rid of that dirt bag who put his DICK before his family!! That is a poor excuse for a man! My advice to you…. take care of yourself.!! Get the mani/pedi that we all love. Have your girl friends over for dinner and wine. Make personal goals for yourself. Relish in the fact that skank man will NEVER have you again. Most important, don’t forget to pop, the pop corn for the Greatest Shit Show on Earth, staring Skank Dick and Fire Crotch! It’s going to be a Epic Disaster watch!
Only my best wishes to you, hang in there, life will become easier!
I’m three years out from the divorce. Pain shopping is so much less traumatic now – maybe a few minutes of pain. Not days of crying. So, it does get better as time and self-care build.
I like to compare pain shopping to….for instance…..if I lived in Romania for 40 years and now I’m sitting in a restaurant in Chicago because my life was abruptly uprooted and is now in Chicago….and the couple one table over are discussing Romania…. they are talking about my life! They’re mentioning streets and cafes and museums and whether or not the government should have made that last change in the pedestrian laws…..and this is my home, my neighborhood, my identity for almost my whole life. Of course, I’m going to listen in. And hurt. But, they are reaffirming that my neighborhood did exist, my memories there are real and I also know the most intricate details of that same place or event they are discussing. Because, it was my whole life.
After this being my identity and focus for forty life years….. it’s okay if I feel desperate to know what’s happening. Did that street ever get repaved? Oh, no! The favorite coffee shop’s owner had a heart attack? Will they be able to reopen? Oh, good, the daughter is moving back to help them. I met her once when she was in college………. There’s comfort in that.
Fuckwit is disgusting. And schmoopie is a perfect match to him. Thank God everyday that I won the set of luggage instead of the sparkly turd. But, I get some comfort in being able to read tiny facial tics he’s sure no one else sees because they don’t. I’m the one that lived with him and was totally devoted to him most of his life. It’s somehow calming now to notice his surroundings in photos and see the stark contrasts of what he always proclaimed loudly to hate being now what he chose to marry and where they chose to live. Which was the lie? He wouldn’t be able to answer that question even if asked. He’s as shallow as a puddle of piss and every photo they post reveals that to me more clearly.
I’m saying that I know No Contact saved my life. And I am strict No Contact even four years later. But, there also can be a bit of grace in accepting that this was ME for most of my life. And it’s okay to want to pull it out of the scrapbook and just look at it occasionally. You just have to ground yourself, limit yourself and have a NEXT activity lined up to help you rebalance as quickly as possible.
Dear TG, here is a ((hug))! I understand 200%
I am sorry you are going through this. I thought I would share my secret “meh” recipe that helped me expedite my meh progress. I’ve used a combination of cord cutting, saging myself and my house, journaling, talk therapy and sound healing/clearing with a healer. While some of this sounds like woo-woo, it has worked a miracle here. Of course this in addition to reading everything from Chump Lady 🙂 and going no contact. There are a lot of videos, etc on cord-cutting online. Find one that works for you. There were days I was doing it every time I had a thought about my ex.
There’s also the option of peeing on your property lines. Of course, no one would ever actually do that!! hahaha!
Many animals pee on the boundaries of their territory – letting all those who come near know that this spot is taken!
Whatever works! Pinterest helped me. I had boards for all the things I wanted in my life, from my character to my health and fitness to my house and pets and other interests. 78 of them! Collected on the boards helped to pay attention to who I wanted to be and what I wanted in my life. It’s also something real to do when pain shopping rears its ugly head.
I have a somewhat similar story, but from the male side. My ex left me for her affair partner 10 months after our daughter was born, leaving me to be the sane parent with a four year old son and 10 month old daughter. She soon moved in with her affair partner and they also bought a half million dollar house. As awful and crazy as your story is, rest assured others have gone through surprisingly similar situations, and as one of those people who went through this, I can tell you that life will get better, and you will come to realize that your ex did you a favor by doing this now rather than later in life. I’m three years out and I of course have moments where I hurt for the nuclear family that I longed that my children should have, but ultimately I realize that I’m dreaming of doing that with a person that’s incapable of it. My ex, and yours, is never going to be that person. You see the house and the curated images on social media, but that’s not reality. Your ex didn’t become the man of your dreams with her; he’s still the same guy who has no issue hurting the people who love him most.
It won’t be perfect, but life will get better and you’ll eventually not care at all about the life portrayed by your ex. Focus on yourself, your kids, your career and your actual friends and one day it will hit you that you don’t give a fuck about your ex and his life at all. And it will be a glorious moment.
I love your handle. (Big Bill Watterson fan.) Wishing you a life full of Treasure Everywhere, and Days that are Just Packed with joy.
“…he’s still the same guy who has no issue hurting the people who love him most.”
This, 100%.
Wow, first, I am so sorry to hear you have been through something sooo similar. I applaud you for your resolve and the way you can offer advice with first hand experience. If you don’t mind me asking, did you have shared custody? How soon were your kids able to be around the affair partner?
And yes, we have 50/50 joint physical and legal custody. They are at mom’s house on Monday and Tuesday, my house Wednesday and Thursday, and we flip Friday-Sunday.
Well, my ex’s affair partner was a friend of mine and I didn’t have the typical D-Day that so many on here have experienced. We were already going through the divorce process when I learned of the affair, and of course looking back there were so many signs/hints/clues as to what was happening right under my nose. So my kids were around him immediately and there was nothing in our divorce document regarding being around new partners.
I’m sorry; I think that when the AF is a knowing participant, and also knows you (same in my case! AP attended our very small community gym) it is even more cruel. It sounds like you put in a lot of work into healing and being a great parent for your kids; I really admire this and it gives me hope for myself, too. I really do strive to focus on myself, my mental/emotional health, career, kids, etc… but it certainly is easy to slip up and sometimes change the focus to FW and AP. Thank you again for sharing your experience.
Spaceman, thank God you got your kids!
See, this is the difference between Chumps and OW/OM: They know what a piece of shit they are getting. My favorite thing to remind myself is that I would never ever have married Cheater if I knew what he really was. I would not have even dated him. But he was a Fraud who presented himself as a “Good Guy!”. Not as the lying, cheating, whoring lazy selfish prick that he actually is. The broads these guys pursue know exactly what they are but are so desperate and egotistical they ignore it. Probably cause they are the same. So ask yourself, would I have married this guy if I knew what he really was?? I bet the answer is Hell, no.
You are 100% right!!!
Chumped Mom–First, hugs. But what did OW win? A man who cheats on his pregnant wife–the lowest of the low, moral primordial ooze. She’s gloating because she’s insecure in her station–her bf buys a fancy new house and doesn’t let her live in it. Lol. And not to worry–these stories always turn out the same way: Whatever public image they present, OW has to live with a narcissistic, selfish man child.
My X, Hannibal Lecher, also bought a new mansion after the divorce to live in with OW. They jet around the world to exotic vacations, put on a good front. The truth (heard from a mutual friend)? OW had to go on anti-depressants within months of moving in with my X. Karma almost always visits cheaters if you wait long enough. Go live your best life (though healing is one small step at a time).
Hannibal lecher I’ve just spat my coffee out 😂😂
Yeah, just stay away from the mess. I have learned that. Even off of social media, you will hear it from your children.
New Cars-Check.
New 500k house-Check.
More vacations-Check.
Engaged within six months-Check.
Married this weekend-Check.
It’s all fake and phony, and they will try hard to replace you in the lives of your children. Use mediation, or legal remedies and gentle reminders that you are co-parents and Ms. wonderful is not their mother. You have better days ahead of you, and you may have some bad ones too. But at least you’re free to live the life you want and not have to answer to a garbage human anymore.
I have noticed that affair partners who race to re-marry and buy real estate tend to be doing so out of a frightened desperation and fear that the party will end before they secure their parting prizes. They want to legitimize it fast and Orvieto everyone else how theirs is twu wuv.
Yeah, it’s almost entertaining to watch. I wonder what her parents think.
CL pegged it: You don’t need to reach Meh right now, just make it a goal.
I want to take a moment and un-knot what feels like your humiliation. (And sheesh! OW is really pouring vinegar into your wounds, eh?). To do this, let’s examine the factors.
Any friends or family who are witnessing this ginormous cluster f**k. Your family knows what’s up and they aren’t buying that OW “won.” FW’s family might do what every FW family seems to do and circle their wagons around him, but ultimately they know this: he cheated on his pregnant wife and left to be with the OW. Sure, they have to accept them at the Thanksgiving dinner table, but facts are facts, and even the most fiercely loyal mama knows when her son does wrong and she knows what the OW is. As for OW’s family…who cares? But you can bet they know the truth as well — and even if they believe some kind of fantasy scenario, (“his ex wife is a psychotic and vengeful monster!”), they will come to understand that you were pregnant and OW was cheating with your husband. Also, there’s a pretty good chance they already fully know her character. And friends? True friends will stick by you and avoid the happy couple; friends who don’t are not your friends and never were.
The big new home. Okay, here is where I tell you to sit back and bide your time. This is just a numbers game. If OW is the main mortgagee she won’t like hiding out in her apartment during visits, so that’s going to cause fighting. If FW has s paying for it, eventually the IRS s going to want to know exactly how much money he has been making and why it wasn’t reported. Double down on this scenario, because there’s a good chance you will be getting a lot more child support. Imagine the fun that’s going to happen in the big new house when they’re fighting about not being able to afford new lamps because of his CS obligations.
You are still solid gold. You didn’t cheat, you’ve brought two beautiful children into this world, and you CAN weather this storm. It sucks to be a single parent, but your integrity is still intact. And at the end of the day and the end of your life, YOU held fast to do what was right for your children while FW followed his man-parts sniffing at other women. OW won’t be his last, trust me, and in a year or so when the triumphant glory comes f “winning” that dog turd wears off, OW will start casting her eyes elsewhere. It’s predictable.
Hold your course. You’re doing fine.
CMGTM, I’m 4 years out this week, nearly 3 years since divorce. No kids, completely no contact for 3 years. Minimal contact in the year leading up to that. I’m still healing (we heal slow at 63!). You are expecting a lot of yourself when you have your work cut out coping with two tinies, a job, a house, plus emotions a year down the line! Therapy has helped me to ask myself why I feel as I do when it all gets too much. Often I find that I’m tired, lonely, hungry, feeling short of cash. I then say ‘ah, I need to rest, call a friend, eat, look at what I have rather than what I lost’. For me, that’s ‘meh’ enough. I have accepted that I am unlikely ever to be the same person I was before I was dumped for a school exgf 30 years down the line. I’m a different, stronger, more resilient, person. You will get to whatever ‘meh’ means to you with time. You need to give yourself much more of that.
Adding that there comes a point when the cheater and the AP can’t blame the chump for the situation that the cheater and AP created. It’s right that the chump is persistent in getting a fair settlement for themselves and the children. It’s right that the chump is assertive in getting and enforcing child support payments. But once these situations settle, from what I have seen, the cheater/AP create new externally-focused drama. Without the drama, there’s no one else to blame when the roof starts leaking except themselves. It’s no longer them against the world. So they blame each other. Chumps manage so much of the cheaters’ dysfunction, often for years, with minimal complaint. But a cheater and another cheater are incapable of managing their dysfunction without an external focus. I’ve been careful to not let that be me, which was, I understand, a disappointment to the ex at least. I was supposed to fight harder but I didn’t care to!
“I was supposed to fight harder but I didn’t care to!” This phrase resonates with me. They must be completely delusional to think they can do anything they want without consequence. I am constantly surprised that more FWs don’t realize how close to death they are from all the pain and misery they cause. My FW died before I found the evidence of his 36 years of infidelity. He’s lucky I didn’t slit his throat, because I would have done it, gladly.
“But once these situations settle, from what I have seen, the cheater/AP create new externally-focused drama. Without the drama, there’s no one else to blame when the roof starts leaking except themselves. ”
It is funny you mention that. I remember about 3 ish months after fw left, and it was all out in the open, he came by out of the blue one day and had some excuse for coming by (can’t remember what). Anyway, after he got in he said oh while I am here Whore says she is getting phone calls… I cut him off and said I didn’t call whore or anyone else, if you think I did file charges. I actually screamed it at him. He retreated and hauled ass as fast as he could. I never heard another word about calls. I didn’t really think much about it then, other than I knew I didn’t call the whore, never even crossed my mind. But, I wonder if that was her/him/both trying to get the excitement back up. Hmmm, could very well be.
I see this ALL THE TIME….men abandoning a pregnant wife (or new baby) for some whore. I am SO GLAD I can openly use the word “whore” here because it really DOES apply. A woman who would be involved in something like this is a WHORE and we need to start using hard words for terrible behavior. As for him…..rotten, evil bastard. If you loved someone enough to make a child with them…2 children here…..you should have commitment to them. I think this is a larger social problem where divorce is too easy and adultery goes unpunished. I’d like to see behavior like this PUNISHED by society. Instead I see this eye-winking kind of attitude especially in Hollywood and the Media where they, if not actively promote adultery (which I think they do because they’re all alley cats) they wink at it. I remember Doctor Zhivago in the 60s where the good doctor had such a WONDERFUL love affair with this whore Lara that it was not only okay for him to abandon his wife and family because….he was writing such WONDERFUL POETRY about muse whore.
I think that’s part of what makes this whole thing so galling is that society has no response for degenerates like this and it all falls on a betrayed spouse with tiny children to endure this horrible injustice and survive it. We should have a society answer to this and it should involve punishment. This is not right and nothing can make it right – no amount of poetry or songs or houses with multiple bedrooms can make this right. I don’t know if I have anything to share with our writer as for a personal tactic because I think mine would involve razor blades and flame throwers. I guess it’s what we always advise about having a good lawyer, getting all she can in the settlement, taking care of herself physically and the kids, getting her family & friends around her, going completely non-contact, etc. To me the most important thing to remember is that EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY….even the worst heartache….and that this too shall pass. She has, and should keep, main custody of the kids….again, I think she should get 100% custody because a man like this and his whore(s) should have NO influence or contact with children…..but she will be the primary force in raising them and despite the hardship, children are a great joy and blessing. I can’t imagine abandoning children….I wouldn’t abandon a cat or dog, much less a child. It’s unimaginable. This is temporary and some day she will find a man who will love and appreciate her and her children. She has to build for the future.
Again, personally, I don’t think this kind of societal/generational behavior will end until we collectively, as a society, toughen up the divorce and custody laws and start PUNISHING THIS BEHAVIOR. No one should be allowed to just walk away from their kids. At minimum, he should have to pay everything and have ZERO CUSTODY RIGHTS. And NO, the kids do NOT have to get to know this awful man and his whore(s) either.
“A woman who would be involved in something like this is a WHORE and we need to start using hard words for terrible behavior. ”
Absolutely. I am so sick of the soft pedaling of actions. The person driving the get away car (knowingly) is the same level of criminal as the one who does the robbing. And most times they are in on the planning and execution of the crime. No difference between robbing/stealing from a spouse or a bank. Only difference is one is prosecutable the other is not, but should be.
Whores get paid and these whores get paid plenty. I have the CC and bank statements to prove it.
Why isn’t he a whore too?
In fact, he’s the whore if she’s buying a house for him and supporting his underemployed ass. She’s the john.
Yep, whores all get paid whether they are lay whores or professionals.
My thoughts, too.
And the thing about the Lara whores is that THEY GET THE SONGS written about them and they get the fashion magazine lay-outs and articles and usually they’re WHORES in real life too and the elites of our society idolize whores and whore mongers because that is what THEY ARE LIKE. I can’t stand it when they keep promoting this kind of behavior because the ideas DO seep down to ordinary people that this kind of thing is okay….and it’s NOT. The movies have been promoting this kind of behavior for decades….Brief Encounter comes to mind. Now we have Fatal Attraction where the wife is supposed to take the husband back after he shits on her with some crazy whore. This kind of behavior has increased because it’s tolerated and even promoted.
I would say that if OW is bothering her or her children directly, go for a restraining order. Even if it’s not granted, it puts it on the record that something was going on with this whore. Same for the Ex if he seems threatening or harassing, always go for the maximum fire power, go for the restraining order. PUT IT ON RECORD. And get camera, like the RING system for your house in case Bunny Boiler shows up. You never know with some of these whores.
All the advice CL and Chump Nation give you hear is good–starting with no more pain shopping, cutting off the source of “taunting” contact with the MonsterHo, and looking carefully at where you might be enabling them to peak at YOUR life. Is your own social media locked down? Are both of them and their flying monkeys defriended or blocked? That includes mutual friends who are really not your friends. If you can look at the monsters, they can look at you.
The next step, though, is continuing to recover. That will mean as much rest as you can get, as much exercise as you can get (with kids in tow, sometimes), and how much happiness can you make right now?
*The biggest change for me was learning to live in the present moment. Right now, you are a single parent with big responsibility but remember that the past is PAST–it’s behind you. And it’s the work you do on yourself and for your family that will create the future. Simple example: save money now and you can get the downpayment for a house. *And look into mortgage programs for single mothers. And so on. When your mind wanders into the past or future, call yourself back to the present. Listen to the birds, notice the sunrise or sunset, feel the air.
*Where I spent time thinking about the past was in looking for patterns in my relationships, hoping to discover or uncover who I am and what I wanted to be in 1 year, 5 years and onward. Jackass’s only appearance in that thought process was as the latest in a long line of me I hoped consciously or otherwise) would fill the voids of an abusive childhood. (Relationships and Marriages can’t do that.)
*The very best things I did: I didn’t date for 2 years or more. And I did a better picker job but I was clear to both of use that marriage was out of the question because the guy I dated was not a parent substitute. And I threw myself into recovering things I lost along the way, once having a boy/man became my misguided life goal. Sports, music, photography, friends, family time.
Who were you becoming before you met this guy, half a still-young lifetime ago? What did you put aside to be with this selfish jerk? What got lost? What other dreams or “selves” might have been squelched by school or parents or other peoples’ rules or opinions? Focus on you, who you are at the core and who you want to be.
And practice some discipline about distracting yourself when fantasies of their life haunt you. He hasn’t changed. He lies, he manipulates, he cheats. It may be that he found another slime slug to live with, someone on his level, and he will be happy with that slime slug. Or it may be as I suspect, that he didn’t really want the responsibility of two kids tying him down for years. See how divorce and remarriage fixes that? When he has custody of the kids, she can watch them so he can play. When you have custody, he can play. I suspect her role in his life is to allow him to stay an emotional child, but what do I know?
One of the fastest ways to kill trauma bonding is to stop calling it “trauma bonding” and return to the older, far more serviceable and legitimate original term “captor bonding” with all its built-in hints about cause (captivity!), culprit (the captor!) and acknowledgement of a genuine victim and genuine victimization in the mix (the captive!).
What’s in a word? I think a lot. I’ve said all this before but it bears repeating. Captor bonding was first coined in the 1970s by the very humane, forward-thinking founding psychotraumatoligist Frank M. Ochberg when he was consulted about the infamous Stockholm bank hostage crisis in which hostages formed “bonds” with the robbers. The press dubbed the concept “Stockholm syndrome” and, these days, Ochberg will use both terms. Though the DSM– which is notoriously political and “patriarchal”– still refuses to apply “captor bonding/Stockholm syndrome” to domestic abuse survivors, Ochberg has no qualms about doing this and his work on that score has changed how abuse survivors are viewed and treated, moving the field away from the old victim-blaming concepts of “why survivors don’t leave” to the idea that the abuse is bad and scary enough that it causes victims to play psychological “possum” in order to survive.
But along came CSAT/sex addiction guru Patrick Carnes who wanted to turn the coddling (excuse me, “treatment”) of garden variety sex offenders (excuse me, “addicts”) into a cottage industry. Carnes– who ultimately removes partial blame from abusers and places some of it on victims as part of his snake oil approach– had to provide at least a few sympathy hooks and lures to get victims of sex offenses (excuse me, “sex addiction”) into therapy because offenders generally refuse to go unless compelled or dragged in by their victims. But offenders (excuse me, “addicts”) weren’t going to agree to attend or pay for therapy if the terminology used by CSAT therapists unambigiously depicts “addicts” as captors/victimizers and their victims as captives. So Carnes hijacked the term “captor bonding” and Frankensteined it into “trauma bonding” which, instead of evoking a kind of criminal hostage taking scenario and a terrorized victim, evokes the image of two equally sad sausage victims clinging together in a flood and pulling each other down.
I know a lot of well meaning therapists like Dr. Ramani now use the term “trauma bonding” and may even be pushing it towards a less blame-splitting meaning than Carnes originally intended. But, again, the new Frankenstein term doesn’t have the implications of victimization, culprit and hostage taking built into it, meaning the term itself is not a reminder of how the victim got beaten down to the point that they were somehow “bonded” to the abuser. And the “how” is so important. It’s a cue for clinicians and survivors to comb over memories of the entire abusive relationship in order to identify even the most subtle things the abuser/captor did that might have instilled fear, obligation, guilt or exhaustion in the victim, specifically fear of consequences if they attempted to escape. Because the whole agenda of abusers is to enforce one sided monogamy and keep the victim paralyzed and nailed down until the abuser decides the victim is “all used up” and discards them. All abusers use fear as a tool of control. But the most skilled ones never have to take their hands out of their pockets to instill it. The truly gifted ones even manage to veil their intimidation, coercion and destabilization and pretend none of it was intentional to the point victims don’t even realize they were being systematically terrorized.
Ochberg and others point out that captor bonding is such a universally hardwired tendency that veteran intelligence specialists are rarely given whole parcels of sensitive information but only bits and pieces of state secrets because, if these agents are captured by hostile forces and subjected to certain interrogation techniques, whether violent or not (which have been compared many times to typical tactics used by domestic abusers), they’ll crack, spill all the secrets they carry and bond with captors. This is why, on release, formerly captured spies are routinely deprogrammed in order to break whatever bond they formed for survival. The reason people do this is because it generally works to promote survival by inspiring a shred of “mercy” in many captors who are not immune to the shows of loyalty displayed by captor bonded hostages.
Basically captor bonding is the farthest thing from actual love possible but it’s only effective to the degree that victims internalize it on a cellular level since abusers/captors have an almost psychic ability to smell rebellion in their prey. So victims have to convince themselves that this is “love” in order to produce the seamless display of loyalty required to keep the abuser/captor from destroying them completely. As effective as captor bonding is to promote “mercy” in abusers, it’s also hard as hell to shake off after the fact. I think one of the first steps to “deprogramming” from captor bonding is to recognize that it’s a fear response and start to deconstruct the past to understand what induced that moral terror and to understand that inducing fear and paralysis was deliberate on the part of the abuser because these things served a control agenda.
Anyway, food for thought and peace and strength moving forward.
Thanks for sharing again about the fraud Patrick Carnes. I paid for a twenty week program (a decade ago !) based mostly on John Bradshaw’s work and the therapist also provided a reading list including Carnes’s work. The first time I saw you address Carnes’s flawed thinking I was tempted to print out your wise words and send it anonymously to the therapist but I don’t think it would have changed his opinion. He’s in his mid seventies and has been a counselor for decades.
I figured out that one of the women in the group was an OW (other woman), wife #3 for her “man baby” (her words) husband. This is her second husband and he played White Knight to her, rescuing her from her abusive first husband. She has a law degree and was living in her car at one point. White Knight donated some money to help with the renovation of the therapy practice. OW convinced her second husband to move out of state, far away from his four adult daughters who were taking away resources ($$$) from the OW. She can now purchased as many Carolina Herrera dresses and Manolo BlahBlah shoes as she likes. She looks very tired and too thin on social media.
I befriended another woman from the group, one who was in the process of leaving a long relationship after discovering he is a cheater. The therapist was seeing the two of them in couples counseling yet wasn’t addressing what the jerk was doing as A-B-U-S-E.
OMG, I hate John Bradshaw. I remember someone sending me one of his books when I was in college and literally throwing it against the wall after reading some passage about how all activists for humanist causes are really “pathologically codependent.” Really? MLK was just a head case? And Alice Paul was just a misguided neurotic? Thank God I’d read Susan Faludi before getting the Bradshaw book in the mail. Faludi very neatly tears the whole “coda” nonsense to shreds.
Why does it not surprise me that the same people who subscribe to Bradshaw also subscribe to Carnes? It makes me depressed when I think of the generations of domestic abuse victims who might have been nearly or actually driven to suicide by these pop psych abuse apologists/victim blamers. To quote feminist ally (and Andrew Dworkin’s widower) John Stoltenberg, these mofos were “investing in Krugerrands during Apartheid.”
Good stuff. I have never heard this research. One of the things that is separating me from life, from friends, etc. is my recent full understanding of this captor bonding situation. It became so clear to me that it was done purposefully over time with full intent…and now I’m angry at the rest of the world for not waking up and seeing it for what it is. I’m trying to be graceful about it because I lived in these captor bonds for 60 plus years of my life and did not see it for the truth of it. But, now that I can see – it’s so frustrating that others are not seeing what I’m screaming and pointing at!
Tallgrass–
Welcome to the dark side. We have cookies. 😀
I have such a tender spot in my heart for people in the throes of “Cassandra syndrome”– you know, that moment when anyone suddenly sees some horrific injustice in full technicolor detail, wants to warn the world and experiences that crushing blow on realizing how blind and suicidal their fellow humans can be. Idiots and shallow people might only see some wild-haired, wild-eyed maniac muttering nonsense in a trembling voice. But, to me, there’s nothing more beautiful than someone undergoing that process because every inch of human progress in the history of the planet has been achieved by people in this mental and emotional state. Survivors and front line witnesses have saved the world many times over.
I think it takes super human strength to withstand that kind of passion voltage. I also think it’s the most lovable and glamorous trait. It doesn’t matter at what stage of life or over what particular humanist cause that someone is “called to action.” It could be environmental or about human trafficking or relational abuse. The important thing is that it’s brave because it squares off against abuse of power. Obviously that can’t be confused with the psycho passions of bigoted fanatics because the latter are all about defending the abuse of power.
If you want some encouragement for being you, see the film “Citizen X” (grisly because it’s about the hunt for a serial killer but it carries that encouraging message). And read up on the underappreciated theory in psychology called “Positive Disintegration.” Wikipedia has a decent article on it.
The good news is that people who heed the call of “humanist passion” and justice can develop a kind of emotional athleticism over time and build support networks among others who care about the same things.
How does an affair partner who is a lawyer (an officer of the court) get away with openly colluding in the destruction of a marriage?
Does anyone have the legal explanation for this? Does it vary by state?
Since it’s her personal life and not professional life, the BAR in my state does not care…. I’ve spoken to my attorney at length on this.
If she’s taunting you, your opinion matters to her. Maybe things are getting boring without you as the hypotenuse to their triangle? Know nothing hurts them more than your indifference. Feigned indifference works, but practice makes perfect (aka actual indifference).
By not pain shopping you not only protect yourself, you frustrate her mean little plans to get to you.
I LOVE it when people ask me if FW is dating, or what job he’s doing now, and I can honestly say, “hm, well I haven’t asked, I have no idea. It doesn’t really matter.”
I don’t know how many times FW told me he was taking the kids to his promotion ceremony, just so I was aware, of course. I really thought he would tell me infinite times until I congratulated him. He gave up after the ceremony happened but for a while there, counting the mentions (and the times I replied “ok.”) was a fun little game. I also, early on, counted the number of vanity (versus actual fitness) workouts on Schmoopie’s Pinterest. If Schmoopie updates are being inflicted upon you without your consent, or if you pain shop in a moment of weakness, maybe you can count the number of times she broadcasts how much something costs, for example. How many times she uses his pet name in social media (define thresholds to signify how desperate she is).
When you can see them as ridiculous clowns desperately performing for kibbles, it really does help.
People don’t ask this but…..when did this kind of behavior become acceptable on such a large scale in society? If men acted like this when I was a kid (and I am old), or a woman betrayed another woman with small children like this, they would have been treated exactly like the SCUM that they are. This is a societal change and it’s a bad one. We need to go back to ostracizing people like this, shunning them, and I think there should be laws against adultery and abandoning your family. Until we have a societal response that shows that this behavior IS NOT acceptable, it’s only going to increase because as a society we have NO CONSEQUENCES….we can only hope that there are personal consequences but frequently that doesn’t happen either and it takes too long to develop if it does. We should not accept behavior like this.
I think it’s because people started saying, “I’m not judging”, which is really a cop-out for not wanting to make a decision. I’ve heard more and more people in their thirties say, “I’m not judging”. I’ve been accused of being judgmental for calling out bad behavior. Well, I. Don’t. Care. If I’m called judgmental for not going along with the crowd, then too bad. Maybe too bad for me…, but really, I don’t have to ‘pretend’ to myself that what someone does is acceptable just so I’m liked. I’m too old to worry about whether somebody wants to be my friend (especially on Facebook). However, I find I have to curb my tendency to tell somebody (when they say, “I’m not judging”) that there’s nothing wrong with calling out bad behavior, and in fact, it’s quite cowardly to go along with the norm. Oh well…, I guess I’m just too judgy!
Tell them they don’t understand what discernment is.
I completely agree with this statement. It is a huge societal issue and one that is so prevalent that courts dont care. My state is a no-fault state and they do not care, at all, about infidelity or its impact on mothers and/or small children. I recently wrote to a state representative with these concerns and urged her to bring attention to domestic violence, etc.
It’s always for “the children”…
Is it bad that I am unsure what is best: when they leave or want to stay?
I’ve had BOTH now and feel the first ex did my daughter an I a favor, in the end.
This one “wanting” to stay feels a bit torturous.
Like he’s here but not fully participating. I don’t know what else to say about it…
I am actually happy for the writer that she can start fresh and process her pain. Mine seems to be in repeat
Anyone?
I agree, Shann. It’s better the band-aid be ripped off quickly than to have the FW torturing you with false reconciliation for months, even years more. The non-participation you are perceiving? It’s because he’s probably still cheating, or at least wants to. He has one foot out the door.
So why don’t you be the one to rip that band-aid off? Tell him to get both his feet walking. Then you can start fresh yourself. Don’t waste any more of your life on him.
Ohffs
Thank you for taking the time to respond, and I’ve asked myself this so many times. I don’t deny that he could be or at least thinking about it like you say. I sure have thought what it would be like to have a healthy relationship and I’ve been with so long that I’m not sure.
Recently had a 10th wedding anniversary in the card said thank you for hanging on I promise always be here for you never ever hurt you again and it made me so mad and I kind of didn’t feel anything when I read the car at all.
And he’s making me feel bad for having issues with him spoiling his daughter which shouldn’t even BE an issue but she’s getting nails done and shopping trips while I take care of myself.
It would be nice to be pampered as well but instead it’s- “why are you always complaining about (daughter) I’m just taking care of her”
The problem is that it sounds like he treats you less well than he treats his daughter, and that creates a perception that you might be less than. How did he treat his daughter’s mother? Was she pampered or not? The image came to my mind from The Color Purple, where Celie is a wonderful person who is treated like crap and Shug is not wonderful (until she finds her humanity and truly sees and values Celie) and is treated like a queen. Your partner should be treating you best of all the women in his life; Mom, sister, boss, daughter, etc. You’re his partner and equal and you should be the queen bee. If you’re not, he’s just triangulating again. I understand treating the daughter to nails and shopping, because she probably doesn’t have her own money, but he for sure should be pampering you, too. He could pick something out for you on each of those shopping trips (they could pick something out together), and bring you nail products back for you if you didn’t have time to go with them, but hello, you should be at least invited to go along and Dad can pay for you, too!
Not to mention most of our “troubles” currently are from him treating the daughter like a partner. They have conversations and make plans. They shop and go out to eat while I’m at work(I totally appreciate him being a good father) but since it’s her mom he cheated with I suffer a lot of issues from this being pushed aside
CL, I find this piece of advice SO HELPFUL for thinking about my own far-from-meh brooding: “You don’t have to achieve meh now. You just have to figure out your next move. Maybe it’s ‘I Will Not Stalk Them on Social Media.'” So smart–to think of one’s day in terms of practical tactics or “moves,” some of which might be quite small. I will try to put this into practice today.
“Living Well Is The Best Revenge”
Do your best Academy Award Oscar worthy performance as the sane parent even if you’re crumbling inside.
Until you reach Meh – do your best acting job. Do not show blood in the water. The fkwits and OW’s thrive on getting a reaction from you. The best and only way to deal with them is with no contact and zero reaction. And read Chump Lady daily – she’s brilliant – chump nation is brilliant. Good luck – “life is too serious to take seriously” Live your best life now. You are a role model for your daughters.
“Living Well Is The Best Revenge”
Do your best Academy Award Oscar worthy performance as the sane parent even if you’re crumbling inside.
Until you reach Meh – do your best acting job. Do not show blood in the water. The fkwits and OW’s thrive on getting a reaction from you. The best and only way to deal with them is with no contact and zero reaction. And read Chump Lady daily – she’s brilliant – chump nation is brilliant. Good luck – “life is too serious to take seriously” Live your best life now. You are a role model for your daughters.
As CL notes, the best tactic to get to meh is applying NC strictly, which means no more pain shopping on their SM, and to get on with your life. Is it hard? Oh hell yeah. Can you do it? Oh hell yeah, and you will. It takes time. You can’t rush meh.
I haven’t checked FW’s SM since I left, but I would not be surprised if he is kissing mucho ass and playing the nicest guy alive on there. It’s what he does. Stop looking at the things your FW and his ghoul of an AP do that are infuriating and eventually they lose their power to infuriate you.
Some justice would also help. Get that child support amended based on him being able to afford that house. Unless the AP bought the house, he must have been hiding income. A forensic accountant could find it. Now, it may not be worth doing if it means a campaign of harassment by those monsters. It depends if what you are getting now is adequate. If it is, I’d say let them ooze off into the sunset, knowing there is never a happily ever after for monsters. If they had the capacity for real happiness, they wouldn’t be monsters. Should you happen to run into the proud pick-me OW at any point and she brags about how she won the turd, I’d just leave her with; “My condolences.”
SM was not a thing when I went through mine, but I did a while ago look at whores site (I never had before, never thought of it). I saw her “like” something on my sister in laws site, and I wanted to see what was written about my sons dad when he died.
Not much about his dad, but I lover her memes about herself and how awesome and honest she is, and how independent she is. Lol. Independent, I supported her sorry ass unknowingly for several years. Just so you know whore hates a liar and can spot one a mile away. Don’t ever lie to whore. Hilarious.
Chumped Mom, is there another question here that needs answering? Namely, did he hide money from you during the divorce? I’m just wondering how with you as the breadwinner and psycho slut in a lowly aparment, they can afford a half-million house? I have no idea what your recources are or how to find out, so hr’s hoping a chump lawyer may be able to speak to this…
I don’t think he hid money, and truthfully I’m not sure I have the emotional energy it will take to even pursue this with a financial accountant and potential backlash from him. AP is a lawyer and I assume that she does fairly well salary wise since she has no other responsibilities in life other than a pretty heavy lululemon addiction. I had also heard she received a settlement from a lawsuit against a past employer. I mean to me, it’s clear as day he is using her. I am doing alright financially however I totally feel like I got duped during mediation. I’m at a point where I feel like I have to make decisions that will get me closer to meh, not farther away.. and since I’m doing alright I’m stay away from pursuing more CS unless anything else major happens to which I’d have grounds.
It appears he went for a bigger meal ticket. What a guy! He’ll take what he can, suck her dry if possible but at the same time end up resenting her for holding the purse strings.
Don’t feel alone
That’s one important thing I’d like to share. I’ve had to dig out of some dark spaces
But the night passes. (Take advantage of the beautiful sky. The moon and the stars) the sun rises, and morning comes☀️🩷
Last year I was taunted by the OW aka Hell, my father’s third wife, with a 30 pound box of documents and photos to sift through. I believe she was the OW in my father’s second marriage when his second wife was diagnosed with terminal pancreatic cancer. “If there is anything I can do, you just let me know !” touching his arm. You all get my drift…
Her wish as written under her senior high school portrait was to marry a millionaire. It took her decades after a divorce and then widowhood and she succeeded ! So the box contained my grandparents’ estate tax returns, all the documentation for the sale of their material possessions (furniture, artwork, some jewelry), their house AND the sale of things my father acquired during my parents’ divorce about twenty years before my grandparents’ deaths. My mother had great taste in furniture and artwork. None of the things my brother and I grew up with were offered to us. I recognized Hell’s handwriting on the back of photos of some pieces that were sent to a second cousin I met once as a pre-teen. Second cousin on my father’s side. My favorite legal document was my father’s younger brother’s will. Hell worked as a paralegal (at one time in my paternal grandfather’s firm) and she made notations in the margin. It thrills her to no end that my uncle made no mention of me and my older brother in his will from 1989, after he finally married his own sociopathic wife, when he was fifty. Uncle’s disordered wife is future faking an inheritance for me and my brother but I see who she is. That’s another story for dealing with the disordered.
When I opened the box, the note on top said “Perhaps these papers can answer any question you may still have about your paternal relatives’ intentions.” In 2014 she sent a goading email to other family members, as well as me, about a “vitriolic tirade unleashed” by me against my father when a private investigator contacted me via phone. I’ve been “No contact” since 2005 ! Good Lord, some people can’t stand loss of control and being ignored !
Chumped Mom, here’s a little exercise that may help you when you’re having moments of “they won, you lost.” Sit down when you have time to do this properly. Take a clean sheet of paper and don’t scribble. Take the time to write deliberately and neatly. List as many horrible things he has done to you and be specific with detail. For instance, “FW came home after having sex with her and called me (fill in the blank) to my face, laughing (or whatever sinister emotion he had).” Write in detail how he cheated on you and treated you horribly while you were carrying his unborn child. Be specific. Now that some of the “love haze” smoke has cleared, list his true character flaws. Again, be specific.
Your children are too young to read, so place this somewhere where you can read it daily. Preferably in your bedroom (tape it to a mirror) where you won’t have to explain if someone comes into your house and reads it (like on the fridge.) Reading this daily should help the reality of his awfulness sink in and help you get to the big picture gratitude of being free of him. At one time you thought you wanted him, but the Universe showed you his true colors before you spent any more precious years of your life with him.
And, when you slip and look at his “FB picture perfect I’m moving on in happiness” curated life with his equally morally-corrupt partner, chew on this: The odds are overwhelmingly against that they will live “happily ever after.” Google a few old Dr. Phil shows on YouTube. Relationships that begin as a deceitful affair with morally corrupt actions and character RARELY end up happily ever after. Sometimes they do, but again, it’s like hitting a few hundred thousand on a state lottery Cash-5 game. It happens, but it is not the norm. It’s the exception. I doubt these two shitheads in your story are an exception.
And, if it’s any consolation, I had to sit back and watch (or hear) as my FW went on to remarry and build his new shiny life. Fast forward — it did NOT end well. In fact, it ended tragically and disastrously. I won’t go into detail but she (his new wife) most certainly did not get her “happily ever after.” Not. In. The. Least.
Happy healing.
On social media, FW and OW’s new life looked like a perfect fairytale. Constant compliments between them, “I love you”s and fun outings, a happy blended family, blah blah blah.
Until the day that OW fled from their house in terror and left the state because he became abusive (duh). Seems like he started treating her the way he had treated me. I guess OW found out why I couldn’t gaze at him with stars in my eyes anymore.
After FW died, I found heaps of evidence in their home (I had to get my son’s things and the marital property FW had absconded with) that their relationship was tempestuous and miserable. Full of screaming, physical arguments, depression (TONS of medications in the bathroom closet – sleep aids, painkillers, anti-anxiety, anti-depressants), alcoholism, money proplems, etc. I even found a big bag of OW’s letters (hundreds of them) from the first three/four years of their affair when they were supposedly so happy. And in between her juvenile flattery of FW, her letters are filled with uncertainty, evidence of her getting the silent treatment, multiple breakups, her begging forgiveness for some imagined transgression, and on and on. Anything but a perfect, happy, love-filled relationship. FW’s suicide letter described the nightmare of the last few months of their relationship.
What I’m saying is, the public images and social media are a carefully curated and artificially shiny image. It doesn’t reflect reality. They could have stayed together for 20 years. It doesn’t mean it would be a happy relationship. Over the course of the affair, I watched OW get thinner and thinner, look more and more tired, stressed, and sick. I knew why. She was trying to please him (he liked “tiny” girls) and living in a constant state of walking on eggshells and fear that he’d go back to me or cheat on her. Even if your FW and his OW bought an expensive house, it could mean that now they’re house-poor and up to their ears in credit card debt to keep up appearances (and don’t discount that they know you are watching). FWs don’t change.
Meh comes when you realize that you didn’t lose anything, you were freed. Now 6 years out, I don’t have any pain, or sadness. I can look at OW’s social media, or read her letters, and I just laugh. She’s pathetic. FW is gone, and I don’t grieve for him either. He made a series of terrible choices, and he suffered the consequences of pushing away everyone who actually cared in favor of people who only offered empty flattery. It is sad that my son lost his dad, but my son is doing great (better actually – he suffered a lot of anxiety and depression with his dad’s instability and emotional disregulation, and the joint custody was hard on him). It does get better. You can get to a place where you don’t care anymore. It takes time. Focus on making your life what you want it to be. For me that was a life of peace, contentment, stability, joy, and love. FW didn’t want peace, he thrived on drama (peace and contentment were “boring”). He didn’t know how to experience joy – it was all temporary “happiness” based on externals. When those externals (including OW) disappeared, he didn’t know how to go on living. I made my home beautiful, spent quality time with my son, cultivated my hobbies (especially things FW had discouraged me from doing or made fun of me for liking), I spent time with my friends, I kicked ass at my job and got a promotion and a big raise, I took a hard look at my finances and made a plan to pay off all my debts (and I did, in just one year). I had had a really hard time not checking up on FW and OW’s social media. But when I focused on myself and my own life, I got too busy to waste any energy on the two of them. I would get to the end of the day, and realize I hadn’t thought about them even once.
This is such great advice and I am going to put it into action. Thank you. Truly.
And even if they stay married, likely almost none of them are living the dream. It takes honestly and commitment to stay in a healthy marriage; what are the odds that two lying shits have that in them, when they didn’t have it before.
Chumped mom. I understand perfectly what you are going through. I was chumped when baby was 6 months old after 5 miscarriages. And he got her pregnant 2 months into their affair. It’s been one all of a shit sandwich. I pick me danced my way into a 2nd pregnancy. My baby is now 11months old. I left and he wasn’t there the entire pregnancy just having sex with her. But here’s the thing she never fails to gloat about winning and it may look like she has won. He has professional family photo shoots something he never did with us. Took them on vacation but with us there wasnt ever enough money for trips.Refused to pay for my children’s schooling but here he is paying for her child’s play group. And it sucks knowing hes doing all these things he didnt for us.But here are a few things:
1) baby doesn’t even know he is dad. Both of them two busy fucking & clubbing to pay attention to that
2) They fought on vacation when he called her my name mid sex . I know this because she sent me pictures to goad me and explaining that he might have mentioned me but hrs hers now
3) OW is it for the money. She has other partners but this isn’t my job to warn FW
4) OW is trying to be me in mannerisms, phrases I use, dressing, parenting choices, career all these being things FW tells her about me.
Does meh come easily ?no but slowly but surely it creeps up on you and one day you wake up and find you are peaceful. No walking on egg Shells trying to win back a cheater. Your anxiety fades, u stop pain shopping. You love your children more. Your children thriving and alas.Tuesday comes and you are free.
There’s an end to the pain. Hugs
“2) They fought on vacation when he called her my name mid sex . I know this because she sent me pictures to goad me and explaining that he might have mentioned me but hrs hers now
3) OW is it for the money. She has other partners but this isn’t my job to warn FW”
I can’t imagine ever telling anyone something like that….aside from being incredibly hurt….it’s really embarrassing…..I don’t know how she can think of that as a win….and tell you about it. She’s completely insane. I would probably break up with a man if he did that to me – shows where his mind is at….or the sex has gotten REALLY rote. Re #3…..I would tell him, heh heh heh. Even anonymously. I’d love to see her eggs get scrambled. I’m a strong believer in revenge though.
So many hugs to you too. You are resilient and strong. What a wonderful mom your kids have. Thank you for your kinds words. This community is amazing.
I have no idea what my ex’s affair partner says and I don’t care. Who are they trying to convince of their happiness me or themselves? My assumption is you already know what’s up – I hope you just ignore all of it. They’re both just terrible people so who really cares? It’s the equivalent of a dog barking at you while on a walk- acknowledge it and move on.
OW thinks she’s special at the moment. It won’t last and with these types of cheaters the blow up (and there will be a blow up) is pure entertainment for those on the sidelines. I’m sure she’s posting away on social media, banking on you viewing her posts and having her asswipe friends click on “like” or make phony insipid replies. All the while knowing she carried on with a married guy with a pregnant wife. These types suck too. I get that you are annoyed, frustrated and hurt at the moment, but in another year you will be relieved that you are no longer married to this degenerate.
This time in your life will suck in many ways, but it is also incredibly freeing. You’re free of living in the same house with a horrible person. You’re free to pursue your interests and prioritize your success. You’re free of his energy siphoning and lies. One way I got through this part was to make my life BIG and BUSY. The bigger and busier your life is, the less you have time for, or care about, your ex’s BS. I took up new hobbies with my daughter (skiing, painting, collecting records, we even got a puppy!) and started taking her on mini weekend adventures to nearby interesting places. I went to graduate school. I volunteered at my kid’s school as much as possible. I visited old friends I hadn’t seen in a long while. I got off social media for long stretches of time. I took long baths before bed while watching old movies I love. Just fill up your life to the point of exhaustion, and eventually everything else becomes a blur. You should be collapsing into bed each night. You can slow down later once meh sets in, if you want.
“One way I got through this part was to make my life BIG and BUSY”
Yes, this! I ended up realizing just how SMALL my life had been with FW. It was all wrapped up in HIM and what he wanted. Without him, I had a whole world to explore.
To a Chumped Mom from another Chumped Mom…you’re not alone! I am going through EXACTLY the same story. My husband abandoned me for his coworker (someone I’d met several times) and I later found out they’d been having an affair during my second pregnancy, possibly before! We were barely married 3 years, a toddler and a 1 year old when he left me for this awful woman. It’s devastated me and destroyed the dreams I had for myself and my children’s futures. I have to work to stay present each day and to redirect my thoughts when anger and bitterness enter my mind. I still haven’t gotten rid of my social media creeping…I know it does nothing positive! It’s probably the main thing holding back my healing. Some days the pain of betrayal and the loss are too much to handle…but I am wise enough to know that I will get to the other side of this some day. You will too…we deserve much better. The OW can have our lying, cheating, immature exes…that is what she deserves. 😊❤️
So many hugs to you; we do deserve SO much better. The social media creeping/pain shopping is the main thing for me too and I am trying hard to stay far away.
If she ever tries to get in your face, maybe say something like “no hard feelings, I realize now that you deserve him more than I do”.
Or something of that nature.
This also makes me think, the fact that this is so common, this abandonment by men of their pregnant wives for these conniving whores, that I have to consider not having Dad around these kids might ALSO be for the best as he’s not a good person. Anyone who would do this stuff to their pregnant wife and abandon their baby & other kids, is probably not someone who should be involved with kids AT ALL. While we all lament the loss of an ideal nuclear family, sometimes a really messed up, uncaring, dysfunctional parent is better OUT of the picture and as much as possible. I wish that had been true of my own violent, alcoholic father. While he was a highly intelligent man with some good traits, if he had been absent from my life, I think overall it would have been an improvement.
I read maybe like 2 paragraphs in and I’m just balling my eye out on the response. Im clearly a newby but reading “Lean in here for a big, squishy Chump Nation hug. Feel the solidarity?Now then, I’ll tell you what helps me choke down life’s shit sandwiches. I ask myself, “What next?”
man I felt the hug thru the internet. I needed to hear that. its only been 4 days since i found yall but man am i happy to find yall.