I won’t get into my entire chumped history (newly divorced, narcissistic FW lead open affair during my entire pregnancy last year, failed reconciliation twice, he finally divorced me for his affair partner, who knew I was pregnant).
I have done a tremendous amount of work both in therapy and spiritually. I love my newfound life, but still find myself grieving what I thought I had and what should have been with a man I have been with for half my life, and I still find it really hard to watch his new life unfold before my eyes.
Just 12 weeks after we divorced FW closed on a half a million dollar home with his AP, whom he had assured me was no longer in the picture.
Last I knew, he was hurting for money and work (he is a self-employed landscape designer and stone mason). I was the breadwinner on paper. My two daughters, ages 4 and 10 months, are not allowed to meet any significant others until May 2024, which means his AP had to keep her lowly apartment to live in part time. My FW must be a real prize for her to agree to buy a home with him that she can’t live in 7 days a week.
I guess the reason I am writing to you is because I feel myself inching closer and closer to meh but then have a setback when, for instance, he bought the house with her (and she thinks she’s getting a happily ever after fairytale). I’m sure that elopement or engagement are not far off given he needs health insurance and needs to prove that the decision to abandon his family was the right one. After all, he believes he is dad of the year based on brand new bedrooms he put together in his new house for our daughters.
His AP has no qualms about taunting me that she “won”. Logically, I know she won a narcissist who will suck her soul out over time, but obviously there is still some kind of trauma bond for me that still exists. With everything seemingly moving so quickly and I am still raw over an affair during such a vulnerable time and a fresh divorce, what are your best tactics to get to meh and stay there? I am no contact unless it involves the girls and we use a coparenting app. I still find myself occasionally pain shopping on social media. Thank you for empowering chumps everywhere.
Chumped Mom Getting to Meh
I could just tell you how much these two people obviously suck, but I’m not sure that’s going to help you right now. You’re still deep in the injustice and fresh off a divorce, single parenting a preschooler and an infant. Lean in here for a big, squishy Chump Nation hug. Feel the solidarity?
Now then, I’ll tell you what helps me choke down life’s shit sandwiches. I ask myself, “What next?”
Fill in whatever horror or even banal disappointment. You didn’t get the promotion. Your mother still invites your ex to Thanksgiving. The Other Woman is living in a new $500K house.
Ball’s in your court. What next?
Face your fears and accept the worst. Okay, they won. She gets all the goodies, and you get a flaming bag of dog shit. WHAT NEXT?
Watch the dog shit burn? Or fling it and flee? What’s your next move? Just break the heartbreak down. Step by step. What’s your plan for today?
You don’t have to achieve meh now. You just have to figure out your next move. Maybe it’s “I Will Not Stalk Them on Social Media.” That’s your goal. You’re going to go pull weeds instead. Or have a Paw Patrol party with the 4 year old. Or get a sitter and take a well-deserved break. I mean, Girlfriend, you only have so many hours in the day. Do you really want to spend it on Schmoop’s Instagram feed? That’s precious time that could be spent unclogging a toilet.
BUT THE INJUSTICE, TRACY!
Sometimes the fuckwits win. The OW is doing her triumphant pick-me-dance conga line. It’s just a window in time. It’s their window — just focus on your next.
That is not a satisfying answer, Tracy.
Okay, Trust That They Suck. These are two fuckwits in a house they can’t afford. Can they afford it? Then I think your child support needs adjusting. Is she paying for it?
That’s gonna end well. Or maybe she’s just so desperate for dick that she’ll buy a house with a guy who abandoned his pregnant wife and small child, such is her super specialness. She’ll finance a house, finance him, do whatever it takes to win the turd.
That person is taunting you?
That morally corrupt, broke-ass idiot wants a reaction from mighty YOU?
Look, it hurts when someone we respect rejects us. But when someone you don’t respect thinks you’re less than? Why should that hurt?
Do you want to be her? Is your ex such a prize? He’s just a corrupt person you thought was more. She won a monster. A man who can cheat on his pregnant wife.
I bet you think he’s only a monster for you. And in your darkest moments you feel like you failed somehow to make him behave this way.
No. He’s just a monster. Good men don’t court gonnorhea. They don’t fuck their pregnant wives when they’re fucking someone else. They don’t goad vulnerable partners into humiliating contests. Only MONSTERS do that.
She won a monster. They live in a monster house with matching monster throw pillows.
His AP has no qualms about taunting me that she “won”.
How is she taunting you if you’re no contact on parenting software? Is there some fuckwit Mardi Gras parade going on? Stop looking at Monster media. And if she’s literally taunting you? Stand up to your full height with your best bitch look (Channel my Grandma Vi) and stare back. Who does she think she’s condescending to? Condescend right back. Be a dear, go put some ice in my drink. That’s how you face monsters.
Better days ahead, Chumped Mom. You’ll get there.