The Pep Talk You Would Give Yourself at D-Day

baddaysInstead of our usual snarking, today’s Friday Challenge is to think back to your first (or 15th) D-Day and give yourself a pep talk.

I know, I know… you might be four weeks since D-Day and can’t imagine anything as rousing as “perhaps I will drink that entire can of Ensure.” But trust me, however wobbly you feel, you’re far mightier than you know. And everyone who is reading this is ahead of some other chump somewhere, just by virtue of the fact that you KNOW.

My husband told me I should do this for myself. I replied that would just be too incredibly weird. I mean, talk about a trajectory. But okay, if I’m asking you to do it, I’ll do it.

Dear Tracy, 

Stop vomiting for a moment and listen to the Ghost of Your Future Self here. Hey, it’s 10 years later. That sociopathic bozo you’re married to? You feel absolutely nothing for, except a general sense of regretful WTFishness. No pain. No heaving sobs. No murderous revenge fantasies. In fact the only time you’ll be reminded of the bozo is during that idiotic reality TV series Storage Wars (sorry, reality TV is a Thing). That redneck Darrell with the hairy shoulders? You’ll shudder. That’s it. 

But here’s the CRAZY thing — your resilience living through this shit? You won’t ever forget that. Because even though you’re stranded right now, jobless, worried sick about your child, and months from a second divorce? You were triumphant. You rose above it all. You were a bad ass. You escaped. Okay, you fucked up a few times. There were some failed reconciliation attempts, but you learned from it. You made a new home. Got a new job. Found a passion for writing full-time. Your son turns out GREAT (except he’s a business major… I’m sorry, all those violin lessons never convert him to liberal arts) — and that second divorce? Middle-aged loser fear? You remarry.

No REALLY. You meet this wonderful man and he’s a fellow chump, and you’re HAPPY. But you were happy before too! This whole chump thing gives you a clarity you never had before on who’s a waste of space and who’s worth investing in. You discover reciprocity! It’s life changing! 

Okay, it gets crazier! You write about the chump experience, and draw cartoons about it, and start a blog and millions of people read it and you get a literary agent and a book, and then a Hollywood agent…(I don’t know what’s going to happen there — talk the ghost of 20 Years in the Future). Anyway, you’ll find that you’re not alone. That millions of people have been mindfucked and fucked fucked in identical ways — and rose above it. You just take the time to write about it and foment a bit of chump revolution. 

The pain is finite, Tracy. But your potential is infinite. Invest there.

— Future Tracy

Your turn!

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ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Dear ANC,
Quit beating yourself up by not listening to your gut during your red-banner waving marriage (yup, no red flags for you…just a big fucking banner).

You KNOW you are resilient and resourceful- hell you were drop-kicked into a few foreign countries along the way, including the unusual places in the US. You figured.it.out. You learned and adapted to the unknown. You will be ok. Your kids will be ok.

Speaking about your kids…your RIGHTEOUS ANGER over their endangerment is healthy and just. Asshat and his fuckbuddies poked the wrong bear. Be THANKFUL the creep wasn’t around much during their crucial developmental years. They have your moral compass, your conviction to personal integrity and are developing into fine human beings. That’s all you.

The guilt you feel about NOT being able to support them they way you wished you could have during the years of extreme emotional abuse is simply a fact. This is something you will talk about with your older kids and then give all of your kids new skills to listen to their guts and trust their instincts. If it smells like shit, it usually IS shit even shit covered in gold glitter.

This will NOT define you. It is a chapter in your personal history. You will grow and learn from it, resulting in a better life you never thought was possible.

Love,
ANC

Sausalito
Sausalito
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Double Bravo on this! Great post. 🙂

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Good on you, ANC! If we could all just have “This will NOT define you” seared into our brains, we’d all be better off.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Agree 100%

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

You figured.it.out. You learned and adapted to the unknown. You will be ok.

Bravo!

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Danke!

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

Dear Kimhopes,

It has now been 9 months since d-day. You were totally blindsided by the lying, cheating and theft, but you never lost your empathy, compassion and positive outlook. When ex-husband (you can’t divorce till January, but as you are never reconciling he is already gone from your heart) stayed in the house for 9 weeks after you discovered his betrayal, you used that time wisely to collect evidence of his emotional infidelity, his attempted physical infidelity, and his thieving of joint funds to pay for credits on Anastasiadate and send money to overseas scam artists.

You felt your emotions, grieved appropriately, but didn’t stay stuck. You joined a few Meet-up groups, maintained all of your friendships, and made new friends. You exuded true class by pretending to still be married when your mother-in-law took ill, so that she might spend her last months in peace. When she died in May you were at the funeral. When your father had a major car accident in June you flew to his side. Knowing he was going to be okay, you went on your holiday in July to Phuket, so your first birthday post break-up was awesome, and you not only have the memory of a great time, but the knowledge you are perfectly capable of travelling on your own as you did many times before marriage.

Finally, you dated, and at the moment have started a lovely, intimate friendship with a younger man. You are not hung up on what will be, you are confident and secure and continue to work on yourself with your life coach. You don’t know what the future holds, you just know that whatever it is, you can handle it.

Well done. Love future Kimhopes.

sadlady15
sadlady15
7 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Way to go Kim hopes. .I am afraid to travel alone

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

yes, you can handle it!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

Dear UXworld —

So now you know. You’ve given KK every opportunity to demonstrate (not state, not verbalize — DEMONSTRATE) that she is invested in this marriage, and she’s purposely shit on you at every turn.

Put aside her arranging for extramarital sex via text while the two of you were ‘celebrating’ your 15th wedding anniversary. Forget for a moment that she brought someone into your home and marital bed for sex only minutes after your daughters got on the bus for school — twice.

If nothing else, sear this into your brain forever: she sent a photo of herself with a black eye, obtained via rough sex with her BDSM partner, to the Carrot Singer and told him that YOU gave it to her. And when Carrot Singer called you a cowardly piece of shit and told KK she should leave the house with your daughters, she did NOTHING to dissuade him of that notion.

This is a woman that is finally proving to be exactly the type of person you were secretly fearing she had the potential of being for years now.

Get a hold of yourself and follow your instincts. They have always served you well and they will continue to do so. Bring your family in on what’s going on — you’ll feel incredibly ashamed and embarrassed as you confess your situation, but you know damn well they will be there for you and support you 100% in any and every way you need.

Follow the advice of 4a.m. 4ever — she has been there monitoring this fucked up situation since the beginning, has listened non-judgementally and has always been spot on with her comments. She has said to you: FROM THIS MOMENT FORWARD, IT’S ALL ABOUT UXWORLD. KK does not deserve any deference or consideration on any action or matter. You now answer only to yourself — be smart about it, but be brave and unapologetic.

The courts are going to be involved — act as if every attorney, judge and official who will be involved with your case is watching you at every moment of every day. (This should be relatively easy — your an honest and thoughtful person, so you won’t be needing to learn any new skills in this regard.) You’ll make mistakes — you’re only human — but the goal is not perfection; the goal is to increase the time between slips.

Above all else, remember that your girls will be looking to you to not only be a safe, sane and ‘present’ parent for their immediate needs, but also to model the type of person they want to find in their own future relationships. You’ve always done this, but it’s imperative that you continue to do so now, as the world and homelife as they know it is about to become unhinged.

This is not the life you expected. You thought you were going to get through this life with comparatively little rain falling. You were wrong. You’ve invested 20 years and a 15-year marriage in a fraud and a cunt. Accept that now, because nothing is going to change those facts. Now’s the time to show the world what you’re really made of.

Go get ’em.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXWorld can I ask you – what is her relationship with your kids?

She can’t be a great Mom if she treated her own husband with such eye watering disrespect.

Have the kids seen through her?

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

She is acting much more like she wants to be the ‘cool older sister’ than the mom. The girls have become conditioned I think to just make the most of whatever time they have with her. There’s no explicit neglect or abuse — she’s just acting like a woman with a new life beyond the home.

I can’t help but think they know exactly what’s going on, but they understandably don’t want to make any more waves than already exist. I’m just hoping the GAL has seen through her act.

Tracy
Tracy
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Behave as the Courts are watching…..spot on.
This is not the life you expected…
Spot on.
This person has now become the person you feared for years….
SPOT ON.

Perfect post. I also enjoyed fraud and cunt.

You are mighty for sure!! I ❤ Chump Nation!!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

+1, awesome letter UXworld, and you are reading my mind Tracy, your comments were my running thoughts almost word for word, viva Chump Nation :)!

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Inspirational, motivating, honest punch in the gut.

Thank you UXworld.

I need to take care of myself.

I need to Go Get ‘Em!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

One sentence shines out like a brilliant diamond, UXworld. “This is not the life you expected.” So often we get stuck in that hamster wheel of “it wasn’t supposed to be that way, it’s not fair!” This is not the life we expected, any of us. But it can end up being much better than we expected. Keep on truckin’ UXworld.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

This is a woman that is finally proving to be exactly the type of person you were secretly fearing she had the potential of being for years now.

yes, this x100…thank you for putting it succinctly, it would have taken me 1000 words

Broken Hearted Uni
Broken Hearted Uni
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“This is a man that is finally proving to be exactly the type of person you were secretly fearing he had the potential of being for years now.”

OMG me too, I too was just hoping for the best and the best came, but it was all destroyed by what I feared he *may* have the potential to do. And after being together for nearly 7 years together, 5 living together we married and 4 months after the wedding he started an full blown affair.

David2016
David2016
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Brilliant, UXworld. With only a few minor word-replacements (for example, Piece of Shit for Carrot Singer), you told my story to a T and gave my four-year-ago self the words of strength I needed.

Freeholder
Freeholder
7 years ago

Dear Freeholder,

3 years later, all you have to worry about is money. I know it is hard to believe since this is starting off with you being in county jail, but people do hear your tapes eventually. She can’t keep her crazy hidden from people who are tipped off. Her craziness becomes obvious to everyone after she remarries and has 2 more kids after the accusations of being kept pregnant by you. Your reputation will be trashed. Her lies convince alot of people but not everyone and especially not the courts. Family on both sides will stay with you. A few friends stick with you also. You make new friends. The kids will have a rough few months but in the end, you get 100 percent custody and will some day ask how many days it is until your new lady friend (who is very nice and caring) becomes their stepmom. It will be expensive. Hang in there it is worth it.

Tracy
Tracy
7 years ago
Reply to  Freeholder

Freeholder….
Omg….my Ex had me in the county jail….framed me for a gun. I had a text message I saved that he had put the gun in my car and asked me to “put it in a safe place”
I did….and from there….those innocently place fingerprints…I walked thru hell.

Stay mighty….

Special Snowflake Ha!
Special Snowflake Ha!
7 years ago

Dear Me,

I know it hurts right now. He’s finally admitted to “indiscretions” 21 of your 25 years together. You thought he was an honorable man. You had 3 kids together. All those months during wreckonciliation where you were bombarded by your “failures”, your “crazy” and how you weren’t “looking at the situation right” led you to take a handful of pills. And he didn’t even notice that you were fading. Too busy texting his whore….RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU! Glad you decided to LIVE that night.

It’s been a year and a half and he’s gone. You still have to get thru the divorce and all his BS thru that, but you are strong. You discovered that all you did during those 25 years was bend, twist and pretzelize to make him happy and look good to the world. You look back over those years and see that YOU did all the heavy lifting. You took care of him, the kids, his family and your own without any real help from him. You stayed employed, you were at the hospitals caring for all the relatives, you took the kids to all events, you sat thru every play, concert, ballgame, match etc.

You had been with him your entire adult life and he drained you. Made you think you couldn’t function without him. But you already were functioning without him. You were stronger than him. And he hated you for it. Deep down in his tiny reptilian brain-he resented how strong you were. And he cheated. His lose.

You no longer jump at his least little comment designed to make you feel unworthy. You look at him and see a stranger.

You have gotten over him walking out and turning off the utilities. You have gotten over him not paying child support or the mortgage. What did you do? You took care of business. You got a 2nd job. You pay the bills. You love your kids.

Him- well, he’s with a whore. He has no contact at all with one child, little with another and one that was so desperate for dad’s attention that he will eat those shit sandwiches for now. At the end of the day, he’s lost everything that made him look good. You, you gained friendships, self respect and esteem, confidence and YOUR LIFE BACK.

You got this…..it gets so much better down the road. Don’t look back and don’t give him the time of day.

mavis
mavis
7 years ago

Thank you for that SSH ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Made you think you couldn’t function without him. But you already were functioning without him. You were stronger than him. And he hated you for it. Deep down in his tiny reptilian brain-he resented how strong you were. And he cheated. His loss.

You no longer jump at his least little comment designed to make you feel unworthy. You look at him and see a stranger.
Special Snowflake, well said. He had me believe the same BS but really I was strong because I managed to function WITH HIM. It is so much easier to function without him. Having him around and tiptoeing around his ego was a full time job!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

sooooo much better!

Luziana
Luziana
7 years ago

Dear Luzy,
It’s okay to cut your losses. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay that you loved and trusted, but take care of your OWN now and he has demonstrated you mean nothing to him.

Don’t smooth over his exit. If she wants his sweaty pannicula, mediocre bank clerk ass, she can have him. Yesterday. Everyone at their job needs to know, their dignity is something they gave away. This isn’t True Love. It won’t last three months once the sparkly linoleum of secrecy is stripped away. But the implications of their stupidity will affect others for years to come. They don’t get to frame that pitch.

When your MMA trained nephews offer to come and supervise his involuntary ejection from the marital home to which he has no claim, let them. Don’t suffer two more weeks while he flaunts texting the Sluterus in front of you and has the wheels of his spectacularly bad choices financially greased by his elderly father. Let him pick up that overseas wire transfer from the Sluterus’ ghetto apartment, while her kids receive stuttering explanations why a strange married man is sleeping in Mom’s bed.

In short, kindness does not mean suffering fools.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

“kindness does not mean suffering fools.”

Amen

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

+1 on the Amen!

justadad
justadad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I am smiling picturing that as well.

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago

Dear Comic,

Stop being afraid that being alone will be worse than staying. Stop being afraid that your children will be damaged by the end of the family as they know it. Stop being afraid that you will always regret leaving your lying cheater.

I promise you that in less than two years you will meet someone much better. I promise you that in less than two years, even if you hadn’t met him, you’d still be much happier on your own. I promise that having your life back with integrity will give you peace you could not have imagined right now.

Trust me on this, and stop being afraid!

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  UnknownComic

Fear of leaving is a horrible thing. If I could speak to me previous self, here is what I would say.
Leave the asshole. “You gain strength, courage, and confidence by each experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
Eleanor Roosevelt (1884-1962) American columnist, lecturer and humanitarian.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Dear neverwouldhaveimagined,

I know you cannot believe this is happening. You are appalled and panicked. It’s going to get worse, and then it will get better. He is a phony and a fake. I’m sorry. You will be better off without him. You are amazing, powerful, and resilient in ways no one knows but you. You were a good mate, are an amazing mom, and could not have predicted this because you believe the best of everyone and would never deceive or betray others. You will move forward, let this and all of your regret go, and recover. I love you.

GigiG
GigiG
7 years ago

Oh, this is beautiful and what I needed tonight after finding more proof of what he hasn’t the courage to admit to, still. Neverwouldhaveimagined, thank you. I hope it’s okay that I screen-shotted to keep and reread as needed.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

We always forget to love ourselves, because we are so busy loving everyone else.

“I love you.” So perfect.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago

I love this. Adding “I love you” was beautiful. I think we sometimes forget to forget to love ourselves because, at first, we feel unloveable.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago

Wow, neverwould — adding “I love you” at the end is a brilliant stroke.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

If this were a letter to someone else, I would totally write that so why not. Thanks. For a long time, I felt I should have been able to prevent this horrible destruction of our family but could not. No, he kept important information from me, and now I know this is not my fault. Also, just because he did not love me doesn’t mean I am unloveable.

mavis
mavis
7 years ago

+ 1

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Dear LovedAJackass,

First, listen to that little voice that’s telling you that this horrific pain won’t last forever. It will get better. And you are right to think that they key to changing your life is to keep walking through that pain without medicating yourself with a new relationship. For once, don’t collapse into yet another relationship with yet another man until you put a couple of years together as a single woman and figure out how to be a whole person on your own.

Part of that transformation will be something called “fixing your picker” and you will learn about it on a wonderful website for people who have been betrayed by jackasses. There, you will also start reading about disordered people with Cluster B personality disorders and recognize that you were “spackling” a lot of jackassy disordered character traits when you picked Jackass. It’s not just the alcoholics and substance abusers you have to avoid. But instead of just making a list of people to avoid, fix yourself this time. Become the kind of person that drunks and jackasses avoid, just as you’ve trained not to be present yourself as a potential victim for someone looking to snatch your purse, or worse. And you know that Pinterest account you started a year ago and just went back to? It will be a major tool for self-reflection and change.

Years ago, a cute college boy told you to take advantage of every opportunity. You will have a couple of opportunities come your way that will seem strange and risky to you. You’ll find the money (in one case) and the courage (in the other) to test yourself with something new. And you will transform your body and also find something precious that the world wouldn’t let you have as a kid, just because your were a girl. You will have moments of transcendent happiness as a result. You will also meet a bunch of new people who become good friends, including a Very Kind Man.

Be grateful for what you have right now, even though your world is in rubble at your feet. Your best friend will travel 2,000 miles to get you back on your feet. Yoga, exercise, meditation and your work will sustain you. There will be days when you cry on your yoga mat and all through Mass. And there will be days when you want a Jackass back in your life and the people who love you will gently remind you that there’s no room for that in your new life. Three years later, there are new struggles and challenges but you survive financially and you find not only resilience in the face of change but you will have experienced genuinely transformative post-traumatic growth. You will like yourself a lot more than you do right now. And you will take grateful care of “your one wild and precious life.”

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Beautiful, LAJ.

And what a great reminder, “Become the kind of person that drunks and jackasses avoid…”

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thank you!!! Exactly what I would’ve said.

Movingon@51
Movingon@51
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Love this LovedaJackass! Spot on!

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

Hey Done4Good,

Yeah, you there, curled up in a tight ball on the floor with the swollen, red eyes, paralyzed with the numbed feeling of disbelief that this simply can’t be happening to you again. Well, I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but yes, it is. But here’s the good news. You survive. In fact you don’t just survive, you grow stronger and find your true self again. That emotional beating you just took rocked your world but in time you’re going to realize that the empty shell of a person you dedicated over a decade to actually did you a favor. For years you weren’t really living, you were just existing. Trying to build a future with someone that not only seemed to always have one foot out the door but who never really resided on the same plane of reality that normal, well-adjusted, loving human beings do. You deserve better than that and so does your daughter.

Eventually, you‘re going to pick yourself up off the floor, shake yourself off and start making changes in your life. Initially you’re going to tell yourself that these changes are to improve yourself to try and save your marriage which proves to be an exercise in futility. That’s okay, because these changes are positive ones. They help propel you in the right direction to move forward with your life and begin to value yourself again. You’ll eventually realize you really don’t care anymore about how little he values you or whether or not he’ll ever realize what he had or what he’s lost.

You’ll still have days of doubt and loss and longing but those moments of sadness and regret will grow shorter and eventually fade. You think that you won’t ever be able to go on without him or stop the pain in your chest whenever you think about him, but one day soon you’ll come across this wonderful website with people just like you who will show you that you are not alone and that you can do this. Reading their words will help give you strength to do what you need to do to gain back your freedom and your life.

Never give up Done4Good. For your daughter. For yourself. For your life. Because you’re worth it.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

This is so, so true: “Trying to build a future with someone that not only seemed to always have one foot out the door but who never really resided on the same plane of reality that normal, well-adjusted, loving human beings do. You deserve better than that and so does your daughter.”

Glad you’re out of that!

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

“You’ll eventually realize you really don’t care anymore about how little he values you or whether or not he’ll ever realize what he had or what he’s lost.”

Amen to that!

Lori
Lori
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Thank you.

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

Dear Blindside,

She sucks. You need to believe this now and take it as a fact. She really lied to you, she really cheated on you, she is still using you, and she’s not going to change. Don’t wait around for an apology, don’t wait around for her to come to her senses, don’t wait around to try and figure it all out. There will never be remorse. There will never be an explanation. You’ll just waste even more of your life waiting around for her to change back. The fact is she was always this way, she never changed to begin with because this is who she is, you just gave her the benefit of the doubt because you loved her.

File now and don’t flush another 2 years of your life down the toilet. You’ll have plenty of support and understanding from your friends and family. You will not be alone. Trust me.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

These cheaters are very much alike, but then so are we chumps. The disbelief that the person you love could really be this way kept me around another 2 years, too.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

They are who they are and don’t change is so true! If we had just known and believed that back then. I’m am guilty of thinking that exact thought, many times.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I am very happy in my new life but I find it incredible how much time I still invest in wondering how I never saw what I now know, I can’t believe I lived that and never understood how fucked up it was.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

So true, paintwidow. I thought we made it 18 years and then, the morning I woke up to say, ” Happy Anniversary “, he replied, “What “? I said, ” Today is our 18 Anniversary “. He responded, ” Well, you’re the longest one that I have been married to”. That was it. My friends all say that he a drunk and a serial divorce person, along with the narcissistic traits. I know that I was too good for him and too good to him. The divorce is finally in settlement and I hope I never see his ass again. Me: You made some bad choices. Don’t beat yourself up. Yes, you hid from people for over a year allowed him to show his true self, while you cried, laid in bed, couldn’t eat. You locked yourself away to learn who you are and to learn how to be happy alone. You separated yourself from flying monkeys and went no contact. Girl, you are strong and even in your older age of life, after being a SAHW, you can see light at the end of the tunnel. You have a future, true friends and your freedom. Don’t look back. Love, live and laugh today. You love yourself and get your smile back.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

saw – ‘You have a future, true friends and your freedom.’

I grasped ‘future’, ‘true friends’, but the ‘freedom’ thing actually took me a long time to realize how much I hadn’t been free.
Absolute years of him being in control of everything in our lives.
Our first yr of marriage was a disaster because I was a wild child.
I was a hippie, he was a businessman.
Well, didn’t take him long to manage that and change me.

Here I am, after living in my new (old) little abode by myself for the past 10 months (my very own place!), the freedom part has still been evading me. This is too weird. It’s almost like being in prison for years and something happens and you are let free. This has taken me a very long time to accept. You mean, I can just go buy new sheets, without permission? You mean, I can go to a doctor without a full blown explanation of why I went. You mean, I can accept any new friends without your permission?! The list goes on.

But, the more I have been adjusting, the more this freedom thing is hitting me.
It seems so powerful and I’m a bit afraid of it.
Not that I’ll go off the deep end and spend like a maniac. (I’m the opposite – frugal)

But just to be able to choose and decide what *I* want is some freedom I have not felt since I was a single independent woman at 21.

Now, the end is here. I have chosen NOT to wish him a happy 60th b’day! Thanks to the forums.
I don’t give a shit about him.
I’m FREE from guilt!

NewAdventures
NewAdventures
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

“the freedom part has still been evading me. This is too weird. It’s almost like being in prison for years and something happens and you are let free.”

I can really related to this. Having freedom can be scary. I started doing little things that STBX prevented me from doing in the past. And the little things have been turning into bigger things. I hope to get back in touch with the free spirited girl I was when I was younger. Hopefully one day I will.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Shechump, “It’s almost like being in prison for years and something happens and you are let free.”

You had the “I can buy new sheets” and I had the “I can turn the thermostat up or down anytime I want” and not feel guilty……. How in the hell did I end up like that.

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

I had the “I can go anywhere I want without asking permission and checking in every few min” – it’s damn near impossible to explain how it ever got that way, and the liberation is nearly indescribable too. I celebrate it every day

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

And have cereal for dinner! At 10 p.m.!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

I am the female version of you. The hows and whys distracted me for years.

Lori
Lori
7 years ago

Me too!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago

Dear Lulu,

No, you’re not reading into this the wrong way.

No, there’s nothing innocent about this.

DON’T listen to his bullshit.

Yes, this is going to happen again… and again… and again!

I know you want to believe the best of him, but you’re wasting your time… time that you’re going to regret losing when it’s more difficult to have children.

Please listen to your family, especially your uncle, because they’re right. It’s going to overwhelm you how much they love and support you when you finally walk out the door.

It seems like life will be harder, but it will easier. You won’t ever have to wait on him hand and foot. You’ll never have to see his toxic family ever again!

You will only have to take care of yourself. The physical beauty and lust for life you thought you lost will return in abundance. You feel like you just purged yourself of parasites and feel silly for letting them feed on you for so long.

You think you will have never loved anyone or be attracted to anyone as much as him, but trust me… you’re going to meet your true love. He is a handsome, sexy man of impeccable character who’s intelligent, creative, and hardworking… the kind of guy you probably think (because your self esteem is currently in the gutter) is out of your paygrade.

This man is going to care for you and adore you so wholeheartedly that you’re going to kick yourself for ever uttering the phrase, “Marriage is HARD, marriage takes WORK”, because, with the right person, it’s stunning how nearly EFFORTLESS it can be, even during the worst of times.

I bet you’re wondering: “But Future Lulu, what will happen to HIM?” Sorry, but I lost track of him shortly after the papers were filed. I don’t know how or what he’s doing, and frankly, I don’t care!

Future Lulu

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

“You feel you just purged yourself of parasites and feel silly for letting them feed on you for so long.”

This!!!! Inspiring post, Lulu!!!!!

Thalia
Thalia
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Beautiful words, Lulu. I am so happy for you.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Bravo, Lulu, your letter is so spot on, especially “I know you want to believe the best of him, but you’re wasting your time…”

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

+10

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

I love this whole post!

Lulu
Lulu
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Thank you! If only the post office had a time machine. 🙂

Ally
Ally
7 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

You can send a letter to your future self and it will be emailed to you on a date that you pick. Google: Future Me and you’ll see the website.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago

WOW, that is some shit, isn’t it? You feel like you’re in that Indiana Jones movie where the bad guy rips out some no-name character’s heart and shows it to him right before he dies. You’re standing there, looking at that asshole holding your heart, outside your body and he’s squeezing it in an almost joyous manner. as you’re about to die. Spoiler Alert, you don’t die.

If fact you come out better than ever. a year and a half from now you will be as close to on top of the world as you can being financially well off. And you get there because you’re strong, stronger than you’ve ever had to be, stronger than you can imagine. So put down the jar of Nutella and crawl out from under your desk so I can tell you how this is going to work.

You’re going to find an attorney, go over your options and file for divorce. You’ll give that asshole a chance to explain himself but he won’t so you sign the papers and serve his ass. Then you work, every spare moment you have getting your papers together and lining up your ducks until they are ready to march. First lucky break, the attorney your friend recommends is good, and she likes your attitude. Her paralegal likes that you are organized. You team up to roll that divorce through in five months, not two years which is the normal, but five months. Do you see how strong you are? In the end you have your son most of the time, keep the house, your car, your retirement.

Here’s the wild part you can’t even conceive of. After that you start to work on you. You admit you need help, the hardest thing you’ve ever done. You find an therapist and join a group, yes, with other people. You learn from them and start to understand how you got where you are. Then you change the things in your life that need to change. Don’t freak out, but you meet a really neat guy in group. You have a lot of similar interests. You’re both scared at first because you don’t know if you have feelings for each other or it’s just the time you spend spilling your guts to each other in group. You go out a few times and loop in the therapists who talks to both of you individually and says don’t rush into anything but you might want to explore the option of dating. Turns out he’s an amazing man who is wonderfully reciprocal so you agree to take things very slow, but it works for both of you and it’s eye opening to see what you missed out of.

I know its hard right now, the hardest thing you have ever done but I’m here to tell you there will be occasional set backs and bad days but, IT JUST KEEPS GETTING BETTER!

sara_esq
sara_esq
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I am not yet ready to write such a letter to myself. I have done little more than take care of my kids and simply survive. However, reading these POWERFUL letters gives me so much hope!! I am not at Meh yet, so I do wonder how the cheaters referenced in the letters would feel about what you awesome chumps have to say to your future selves Would they be angry? Hurt? Sorry? Regretful? I cannot WAIT for the day that I no longer care. Rock on CN and many thanks to all of you!!!!

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  sara_esq

“Spoiler alert” – love it!
How I wish we could give every new chump that spoiler alert! God I remember tho how hard it is to hear that or see that when you’re in the thick of it. But still, these stories from the other side are truly lifesaving

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  sara_esq

You will get to meh, heck I don’t even consider myself at meh yet.
As for the cheaters, the disordered fuckwits wouldn’t feel a thing, because that’s just it, they don’t feel. Keep moving forward and remember, No Contact is the path to the truth and the light.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Yes, you will get to meh, everyone gets there on a different Tuesday. I’m renting a place there myself. Looking forward to buying my own Meh Cottage one day! Hey, why don’t you do a few vacation rentals there — a day, a weekend, maybe a week — get to know the place as a tourist. Once you taste a bit of meh, you will keep coming back for more!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Fifi. That is an awesome way to look at it!! ???. I can’t see it at all yet but I have heard great travel reviews and know I will get to hang out there all the time one sunny Tuesday….or a rainy Tuesday…I’m living in Wales so I’m working on webbed feet…

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Hahaha, Capricorn! I live in Seattle area – we have webbed feet too!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Dear Flower,
Though you don’t want to believe it, THIS is who he really is. This cold, callous stranger is the person you married. Whether he has become this person or has always been this person doesn’t matter. He is never going to be the partner you need. Whether he won’t be or can’t be doesn’t matter.
Save yourself time, agony, and money. Start and follow through with the divorce now.
It will suck, but I can make you some promises:
-you are strong and always have been
-you will get your kids through this like you have gotten them through everything else
-listen to your sisters and your friends, even when it is hard
-unbelievable as it seems, you will be able to patronize this little Vietnamese restaurant again
-you will meet someone who makes you laugh and orgasm a lot

No mud, no lotus.
Lotus time, baby.

GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
7 years ago

Dear GOYSACA,

It’s October 2011. You are an emotional wreck right now. Your husband of over a decade has suddenly been cruel and so distant for many months. He picks fights and even said he wants to separate, even though he was won’t say why. He takes it back that he wants a separation, though he’s never clear about what this back & forth game is all about. You feel like you are losing your mind and best friend. I’d like to make this very clear to you… this man is NOT your friend. You are going to learn firsthand about gaslighting, cake, and the Pick Me dance you don’t realize you’re dancing to right now. There is a reason your friends and family ask you, “Could he be cheating?” He will not tell you the truth but someday you will have proof, believe me. He can’t be the bad guy, so he has to tell lies as to why he no longer wears his wedding ring. Take one more good look at his fakebook posts, do you really not see what’s happening? He is going to block you soon so look now, if you can stomach it. Divorce is coming…

I know, you cannot even fathom it, but in five years this will be a shrug of the shoulders for you. The only explanation you’re ever going to get out of his mouth was he just didn’t want to be married anymore. Never mind he very quickly remarries to someone you didn’t have a clue existed. Is this too much info? I am sorry, I know you’re reeling but think of this: he’s a liar, a coward and a cheat. He has no integrity. This is a dangerous type of person to head into your golden years with. Better now, when you are stronger.

You don’t feel strong? It’s coming, sister…

Maree
Maree
7 years ago

Dear Maree,

Nearly 47 years ago you met an awkward 18 year old who would become your husband and the father of your children. He was or seemed to be a very honourable and decent young man and if he wasn’t he would never had a chance with you. But what you didn’t know is what lurked behind that quiet exterior. You thought that you had met one of the best young men possible and eventually the 2 of you marry. With your lack of worldly experience or understanding of many things, that so called wonderful young man started to devalue and betray you right from the get go. Sadly 37 years later it all came to a crashing end and you were discarded when you were planning your retirement with the person you had loved for so long but who had never really loved you. Your whole identity as a wife and a mother which you cherished was gone. In your sheer desperation and grief you stumble on a life saving site called Chump Lady and as they say, the rest is history. It is hard to believe that you have come so far. On DDay and many days there after you constantly thought that you dying was the only solution to the never ending and unbearable pain that you were going through by losing your whole family in one foul swoop. Sure, you cried and carried on and had many pity parties for one because you are a very solitary person who relies only on yourself to get through any challenges that life throws your way. You struggle and fall down but you always get back up and you always will. You haven’t changed in 65 years except to grow older and hopefully wiser. You are still loyal and loving to those you hold dearest in your heart and mind and you are a very decent and kind person and never, ever forget that. You were left wondering why you were rejected by the children you raised almost by yourself but you have now found peace with that and maybe one day you will see their beautiful faces and hear their lovely voices once more but you know to live your life and if your wish comes true that will be wonderful. You will stop obsessing over your ex and if he is happy, safe and healthy. That is no longer your job to worry about him because in your heart you know that he never cared about you for one moment. Stop being afraid of living and enjoy the time you have left. You are a terrific person and never forget that.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Oh Maree, my heart goes out to you . . . I am so sorry to hear about the experience you’ve had with your children. It is every parent’s worst nightmare. I hate to even ask and please feel free to take a pass on answering, but can you share what it was your X did to alienate your children from you? You are so MIGHTY to have been able to come to any semblance of peace with it . . .

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

Other Kat, I raised the kids was we were on our own much of the time. The ex was always at work and he wasn’t interested in them and now he is raising the prostitutes 2 little children which does not sit well with me but it is not my circus and not my monkey anymore. I was the so called “bad cop” parent because I was the everything most single parents are, I was the disciplinarian as I firmly believe that kids need boundaries and to be taught right from wrong, good manners, being good contributing members of society etc. I achieved a great result because they really have turned into great young adults except they prefer the “good cop” their dad as he never so much as said boo. I can honestly say that I have no idea what has taken place or been said as the ex is very covert. He set the narrative right from the get go and they have sided with their dad because they like him far more than me. When people don’t speak to you and just push you out and close the door you are left to wonder what happened and why. I may never know why the kids no longer want me in their lives and I respect that but it still hurts but what hurts me more is that they have welcomed the prostitute and her 2 kids into the family and are friends with her on Facebook and vice versa and I have been painted from history. All I can do is sit and wait as I have all the time in the world. Maybe one day …………… !

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree
I was a child of divorce. My dad left us for another woman when I was ten. As a kid I didn’t understand my moms struggle. Dad seemed amazing as he would swoop in every now and then and take my brother and I on trips and buy us stuff. He was also emotionally unavailable but that made me frantic to be loved by him even more. I think I just accepted that my mom would look after us (she was disordered too unfortunately, she didn’t want kids and never stopped telling us how much of a chore we were. No empathy there.).
But I idolised my dad for YEARS. I was spakling hard as a child to cover up his inconsistency his lack of interest his complete indifference really.
Wasnt until I had my own children that I began to see him clearly and understood my childhood history better.
I now don’t have contact with either – it was the only way to keep myself safe.
Please know that what your kids may be feeling is not a reflection on you and keep on living a great life for your own sake. I hope they find their way back to you.
Hugs.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thank you for your response Capricorn. The more I learn and understand, it seems to me that there is not one functional family on earth. The are varying forms/grades of dysfunction. I came from a terrible background and upbringing but my parents were my parents and I loved and respected them. Maybe it is the era I was born in, I don’t know. I was a very good Mother. I know like every person on the planet I have faults and weaknesses and I am not perfect but I protected my children from the type of life I had known and that is how it should be. Now that I reflect back, my ex was physically and emotionally unavailable not only to me but also our kids. Can I tell you, the dentist, the school teachers, the dance teacher, the basketball teacher, the swimming teach etc actually didn’t know that the kids had a father because they had never met him. It was always me doing and taking them everywhere. Maybe it is easier for my kids as things stand and I have to accept that but it doesn’t mean it is right or fair. I may never see them or hear from them again but they will always be my kids and I will always be their Mother. Each and everyone of us gets through this the best we know how and when I read the terribly sad, tragic and horrific stories on this site I consider I got off lightly. As long as my kids are happy, healthy and safe then I am happy for them. I just want them to have good lives and if that means ignoring me, I am okay with that but I still and will always miss them.

poppyfool
poppyfool
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree – I feel sure that your kids will eventually see through your ex. Like your husband – mine would be more like the grandfather than the father. The kids always waited for him to come from travelling – they adored him. After I found out about his affair – he tried to alienate the kids, telling them it was all my fault. They believed him at first. Then after catching him in countless lies – they knew they couldn’t count on him. His slut always came first. If there was a conflict – she would win. What I didn’t realize was that behind my back – he was telling the kids’ I wouldn’t allow him to attend the event. He was blaming me for the choices he was making. After 28 years of marriage – I am realizing he was always disparaging me behind my back with the kids. My eyes have been opened and I realize my kids and I deserve so much better!

Lori
Lori
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

My story exactly. 40 years together. He moved directly from our home to home of his still married white trash whore. I am 5 months out from d day. I am glad you shared your hope. Some days are good. A lot of days are still bad.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Lori, I was blindsided too, although my marriage was shorter in duration. My world imploded inside, yet I had to be there for our 8 year old kiddo. My then-husband is a highly successful and respected professional in his field and I knew that many of my dearest friends and mentors would not believe the level of duplicity I was uncovering.

There are no good options when faced with the reality that you married an intelligent fraud. If your spouse is powerful, his/her word might be believed over yours no matter the amount of evidence you have in your possession. That has been my experience, and that reality decimated my core believe in our world’s fairness and equity system, leading to me to a level of desperation I had never experienced before.

The only choice is to build a new life out of his area of influence. This is an extremely difficult task, but the more you stay No Contact with your X and his minions, the more you connect with people who get what you are going through in person and here at CN, the faster you will be able to distance yourself from the injustice that will be part of your recovery journey.

I am two years out, at 5 months, I didn’t know which way was up anymore, I kept on going because I was not going to let him poison the mind of our kiddo. Go no contact, learn from CN (and Divorce Minister) and use your anger to distance yourself from your toxic environment. Step by step, day by day, build your future community until you can see your X and his defenders for what they are.

Forge on Lori, it gets better, I promise!

(((((Lori)))))

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

I gathered you had to build a life outside of his influence, Chumptitude. That rings true for me and many others here I think.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Lori–I’m sorry; the pain is unbearable for many days the first 6-8 months. Once the worst is over, you will still have days of heightened emotion and disbelief (the rage, when it hits, will be unlike anything you’ve ever experienced). The trick is (a) time, (b) social support–ASK for help, and (c) 10 minutes of self-care every day. It can be a bubble bath, a cup of tea outside, anything that just centers you in the moment. Huge hugs!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Lori, 5 months since DDay is a very short time for you and you will grieve very much and allow yourself to do so because it will be your path to recovery. Every Chump who posts on this site have all grieved and lived through some terrible circumstances. I sometimes feel that I got off lightly compared to some of the horror stories I have read. Please stay with us here and you will receive wonderful support from a very caring community. They will hold you up when you need it. (((HUGS to you Lori))) xo

Lori
Lori
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Thank you. I am struggling. I tried to take my own life in August. My family is losing patience with me. My friends however have been very supportive. My husband was a deacon in our church. Taught marriage classes for Sunday school, led small groups and did premarriage counseling right up to the day he got caught in a local park with his hands down her pants by my best friends daughter. I was completely blindsided. She was an employee and they screwed in the back of service vans at work or at seedy rent by the hour hotels on the other side of town in the afternoons. He was home every night and every weekend. I am so upset with myself that I can’t just let it go and move on. My head says I can. My heart says no way.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Lori, we are here to tell you that you WILL survive this. We know how much pain you are in. Pain that you think you are going to die from, that you want to die so it will stop hurting.

But you will get through this. Just see our footsteps in the road you are walking down. We have walked the road and we are just ahead of you. Life does and will get better. Promise.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Huge hugs to you Lori. It will get better. Time does heal. I cannot say that life will ever be as sweet and secure as it once seemed but I think the day will come when we feel like life is worth living. In my experience, I had a few of those moments about 13 months after DDay. I’ve had more of those good moments when I’ve been no contact for awhile, when something positive has happened in the divorce or my newly focused career.

Come to the CL forum every couple of hours and you’ll get the support you need. That’s what I do.

What he did to you was evil, outrageous, abusive, and robbed you of your basic human rights. It wounds to the very core. I also suffered this same trauma although the details may be a bit different. Most of us here did too. We are in this together trying to heal.

You are not alone. ???

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Lori I am so very sorry for what you have been put through, your pain and the fact that you were so low to try and take your life. Lean on your dear friends for support as well as Chump Nation. As for your husband, I am lost for words. Interesting that you said he was home every night and weekends. So was mine and I blindly thought that I was lucky but there were times when I did doubt him but I brushed that doubt aside. They are snakes who charmed us and then discarded us after we finished being of use to them. Please be gentle with yourself as you come to terms with your betrayal and discard. I no it is hard to believe but in due course your heart and head will agree that it is time to be free of the torment he has caused you. It will happen of that you can be certain. Give yourself time Lori. (((HUGS & VERY BEST WISHES to you Lori))) xo

Lori
Lori
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

Thank you for sharing Maree!

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Lori

We all get it Lori. Most days the sun does shine but now and again a cloud hovers overhead but not for long. My ex now lives in SE Asia with a 24 prostitute and her 2 kids. His choices leave me shaking my head in absolute disbelief but it is the reality of the life he has chosen and he is happy. Nothing more to be said.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree. You have such strength. I hope you know how much of an inspiration you are to others. ❤️

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago

Lost,
You are going to survive and thrive! You gave 28 years of your life to someone that abused you in the end. You made the decision early on to love this person even though there wasn’t a hollywood fall in love moment for you. You had kids with this person but they have turned out to be amazing young women. They also have to deal with the crazy but you teach them what it looks like and that they can’t control it. You will find out who really cares about you. People you didn’t even consider good friends will show up for you. You will restore your close relationship with your siblings. Most importantly, your kids need you as the sane parent to help them navigate this craze world. The future can only be brighter compared to what you’ve been through. Have patience and learn to appreciate the small moments and build real relationships. Amazingly, you will find an internet community that gets it. People share their struggles and you know you aren’t some crazy person. This happens way more than it should. The community is a life saver for many, not just you! Now, go out and live your life!

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

All the surprises that were in store for you, what a great outlook.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

“and you know you aren’t some crazy person. This happens way more than it should.” THIS, thanks LOSTntx

Ms. Machete
Ms. Machete
7 years ago

Dearest Ms. Machete,

It’s been four years since he left you pregnant and devastated, promising to come back and take your baby because “You are a psycho and will be institutionalized anyway.” You can stop worrying.

In this moment, and for many after, you think you will never heal or find your way back to the woman you were.

You’re half right. On your journey to heal and to make this world safe for your daughter, you do eventually approach the woman you were.. and you blow right by her.

Four years later, you are so whole, your baby girl is safe and thriving, you are gainfully self-employed (having started your own business when he threatened to take your child when you went back to work), you are nearly finished with your master’s program in clinical mental health counseling, and will be starting your doctoral program next fall.

Things are good, Machete. Really good.

Love you, lady.

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

The gifts you have to give your daughter are truly mighty

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

Powerful, Ms Machete. Blew right by that former self. Love the imagery.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

“you do eventually approach the woman you were..and you blow right by her.” God, how I love this. Ms. Machete rocks!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

+1

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Ms. Machete

Ms Machete is MIGHTY!!!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

Dear beautiful, sweet, kind, loving, me.

You fell in love with and married a monster – but that does not make you one.

You welcomed his children as your own and it turns out, you had the be the sane parent to them because their Mom was as fucked up as their Dad (Mr. Sparkles). While the two of them continued to have sex after he married you and the kids came to live with you, you gave those kids an example of a different life – one that is led with integrity, compassion, and grit.

This is not your failure. You stayed after your first d-day because your son was only 3 at the time. You stayed and took the abuse for another 6 years so that you didn’t have to suffer the 50/50 custody knowing the damage that Mr. Sparkles would’ve have wrought on your son. You took the emotional and spiritual punches. And look at you – YOU’RE STILL HERE. And even better, you have an amazing son who thrives in school, knows how to build solid friendships, tells you everything running around in his head, and loves going on adventure travels with you. YOU DID THAT.

I know your pain is real. I see you sitting in the corner of the bedroom at night after putting your son to bed. I see you crying, cowering, trembling. I hear you talking to God and to your Mom (in heaven). You get a good therapist and rely on amazing, unwavering friends. YOU FEEL EVERYTHING NOW – and YOU SURVIVE IT.

You file first. You charge him and the OW with adultery because guess what… it was… and you deserve the truth on the record. He’s still stringing out the divorce, but there will be an end there too. It was expensive – but sometimes, freedom is.

Two years since D-day, you’re anchored in your career and doing well. You can live without the child support check, which is good because it is always late and always $$ short. You’ve been to Hawaii TWICE – which was a dream you had before Mr. Sparkles… and it was a great way to spend the money you got from selling your engagement ring. You are no longer burdened by the financial responsibility of 3 stepchildren that are struggling young adults.

OH – and the OW… yeah, they broke up… just like everyone told you they would.

You still have more work to do on you. Have patience with yourself. Life isn’t a sprint… it’s a marathon.

And remember the very very wise words of CL… give it time… give it time.

Your life doesn’t look like you thought it would at 50. So be it. This is the life you have nonetheless. Go live it. You are loved and you are a blessed child of God.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

ICSTMC our stories are so similar! Now it seems I dodged a bullet having six miscarriages with the traitor and no child. At least I don’t have to share custody with him and the ex he always cheated with. She’s a nasty nut job. I can’t see meh coming but have to trust CN that it will come.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Love this. You are mighty!

violet
violet
7 years ago

Dear violet,

Your world has just fallen apart. Your story is all over the press, you called your daughter away at college minutes before the internet exploded. Your husband is lying to you about everything and will continue to lie to you at every opportunity. Stop listening to him right now. What you have learned is just the tip of a very large iceberg.

The OW wants your money. This is strictly a money grab for her, so immediately begin protecting your assets. Husband is still trying to cover his tracks. Use this opportunity to get your financial house in order and transfer everything to a trust. Husband does not love you. He loves the image of a close family. Do not give him one more opportunity to hurt you.

You and the kids are going to be fine. No, you are going to be better than fine. Six years later, your oldest daughter will be out of school with a great new career. Your son will be about to graduate from college and “the baby” will be excelling at university. You will be amazed at how resilient your children are! The kids are alright…and so are you.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Wow, violet. Publicity makes it a thousand times harder. You can’t even grieve in private. Sheesh. At least I could hide out in my new apartment among the moving boxes, and nobody bothered me. Congrats on surviving and raising good kids.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Awesome.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

Amiisfree,

I’m here from the future to share a few things you learned later to help you learn them earlier.

First, you own your life and all of its experiences. If sex is great, it’s because YOU are amazing, not because the other person is amazing. If you’re good at something, it’s because YOU are good at it, not because somebody else taught it to you. If you are a good person, it’s because of who YOU are, not because you are a better person if you are with someone else. If you are beautiful, it’s because YOU were designed by God to be the perfect you, inside and out, and no other person’s perception can validate that because it’s YOURS.

And, all these memories that feel so painful because they are good and they also include him? His role in them will fade in time, and the parts of the memories that pertain to you will always be yours. You remain amazing, and good, and capable, and a complete set of all the things you have learned and enjoyed. You just keep getting better, forever. You are complete.

Second, life is waaaaaaaaay better without an asshole cluttering it up with lies, betrayals, ridiculous and useless competition, and pervasive negativity. There is no amount of companionship or money that is better than an authentic life surrounded by your own self care and beings who are worthy of your time and gifts. He deserves the BS life he has built for himself. You, though? You deserve the authentic life you can finally build now without him around shitting on your new construction all the time.

Third, any person worth your intimate energy will answer your questions fully, honor your life experiences — including your anxieties — with forthcoming honesty, transparency, and reassurance, and consistently offer you warmth and affection. He will speak respectfully to you even if he feels anxious, angry, or defensive. He will apologize, and mean it, and take action for change, if he sees that he is hurting you. If you can do it, others can do it. Anyone who can’t or won’t do it doesn’t qualify at your level.

And, finally, you don’t need a partner, and it’s better to be alone if there isn’t a person in your life who fits you completely. Settling isn’t for you. You just aren’t made that way. You are authentic, so BS isn’t an option. Get really good at being alone and work on your picker AND your patience. Don’t commit until you’re sure, and don’t marry before a few years have gone by. It takes time for people to settle in enough to let their baseline show, and it takes some bad times to show you a person’s mettle. Shiny looks pretty, but it’s the shell. Wait until the egg cracks and see (smell?) what’s inside before you decide what’s really in there.

I love you, Girl, and I am here for you. Now stop fucking around and go get your real life started. You’re a bona fide superhero. Start acting like it.

Love,

Amiisfree

Ali Rose
Ali Rose
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Ami,

Beautiful post. I especially liked

“You deserve the authentic life you can finally build now without him around shitting on your new construction all the time.”

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

I know we use a lot of metaphor here, but I once remodeled a bathroom and I think H1 felt insecure over my success and when the very last detail was drying, he told me “this better be done by tomorrow or I will go in there and rip everything apart. No metaphor of destroyed construction, it was real, and he meant it. asshole

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

What jerks the x’s are or were. the x would not let me paint our house. Once I painted the bathroom and he got “upset”, he wasn’t “happy” until I painted the damn thing white again, asshole. I come to find out that he painted the living room diarrhea brown, something more suited to painting the outside of your southwestern style home. Ugly and dark just like the x.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

🙂

Mehmehdancer
Mehmehdancer
7 years ago

Dear Mehmehdancer,
I know that you are faking it till U make it, filing after DDay, getting up every morning and gg to work, doing ur mum duties, sticking to no contact but respectfully co-parenting for the sake ok the kids. Some days R hard – crying in the car on the way to work, on the way home after work. 19 years of memories , 3 homes, 2 kids . The anger faded to sadness to loneliness. U are stronger now after 4 months but U know the sense of loss and how much was lost and how it hits you in the gut . Cry no more tears for this hollow cheater . U know that U will get thru this . There are 8 billion people on this earth – let the Ass$&@? Go . Even if your inlaws accept his choice, even if your own mother rains blame and guilt trips U , even if the whole world shows no sympathy , know that U really dun need it . U will uphold your own standards in this amoral world . U will live on your own terms .

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehmehdancer

You have a support system right here, Meh. Finding out your life with a cheater was a lie is devestating.

Cheaters detach easily and typically devalue us to others years before we ever knew they were leading a double life.

Making it at this point begins with filing. It took strength to do this. Regardless of what anyone else believes, you know the truth. Now it’s time to fight for your financial future. Regardless of who he has in his camp fight for everything you are entitled to in terms of assets.

You are not alone.

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Mehmehdancer

You get to rest on the victory that your ‘fake it til you make it’ is about a million times better than any cheater bs you had to deal with. It’s real, you are making it, you rock

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Dear Dixie,

Today you have finally learned the horrible truth that you were nothing but a useful beard for a gay man in denial. For thirty years. All those confusing lies about strange things are finally all completely understood. Yes, you feel foolish on top of hurt, disgusted, and angry. So ask yourself this simple question: Would you rather live another 30 years not knowing the truth and being used just to avoid this one very painful moment in your life? No, I didn’t think so.

I can only report to you from 6 months into the future, but you are doing great. He’s out of the house, the settlement is written and signed, and you are merely waiting for the formality of a judge’s signature. Your child is doing great and having a wonderful freshman year and you have the rest of high school to enjoy the rest of your parenting gig while you heal and figure out the big “what’s next?”

Even today, D-day, you already know that you can handle the occasional loneliness and the responsibility of being on your own, because that has been your reality on some level for a good 20 years. That dream of retiring to the South Carolina low country? Of having multiple irish setters and golden retrievers? Of spending time each day on the back of a beautiful horse? Of seeing the sun rise and set over the marsh? That dream is still alive and well and now there is no one telling you that it isn’t what he wants or is impractical or not in the budget. You just lost the 185 pound cheating, lying anchor that was holding your dreams hostage.

And in 6 months, you are going to have an amazing group of online friends and a cute new nickname. Today was a sad but necessary step towards a much better life. So go cry a few tears and then get busy. You have a lot of living still left in you and the time to wait for cheater to stop being an ass is over. Thank goodness.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie
“So go cry a few tears and then get busy. You have a lot of living still left in you and the time to wait for cheater to stop being an ass is over.”

I liked this very much. One of those little snippets that hits home and changes the way you see things. Thank you.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago

Dear GetMeFree,

Your husband just spoke volumes as to his character and his love for you and your children. This is not a simple mistake in judgement. It is exactly in line with the way he thinks.

He has been lying to you, cheating on you, and hiding parts of his life for years. Stop trying to fight for your marriage. There is no true marriage. Stop trying to hold your family intact. You and your kids are and will continue to be a complete family. Let the shithead go. He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t deserve your home and family. Never has. Never will. It was all just an illusion anyways.

Your life and your kids’ lives will have so much more peace without dealing with his disordered ways on a daily basis. You will be able to teach them about distancing themselves from toxic people. You will be able to reinforce moral values without trying to hide or excuse away their father’s behavior and choices. Life will be so much easier when you no longer have to worry about trying to make him happy, make him want to spend time with his family, or deal with the consequences of his drinking, gambling, and cheating.

You will NEVER make him happy because he is too busy chasing the quick hits of pleasure. So stop trying. Instead focus on happiness for yourself and your kids. The four of you know what is truly important in life. Focus on that…not on him.

Time to set yourself free. It may take some time, but life will get so much better without his disordered behavior and thinking around.

Love,
SimplyFree

moxie
moxie
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I love this!

Wouldn’t change a word.

Might print it out to read when I have one of those “did I make the right decision” days.

(Thankfully they are fewer & farther between as time goes by!)

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  moxie

Youu have probably spent way more time agonizing over this decision than he agonized over the decision to cheat.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Amen to all of the above!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Or should we refer to him as “Chump Gent”?

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I prefer “Chump Man” because Tracy has a real man in her life now besides her son.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This was a great suggestion Tracy — give your husband some type of reward for suggesting this.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I have seriously asked myself this very question for a long time and formulated snippets of an answer but never wrote it all out. This was a great exercise and I gained a lot from reading others’ stories. Yes, thanks for this opportunity.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Rob,

She told you she loved you the morning of discovery. She blindsided you. She was cruel. Mask-off.

Deep in your soul you always knew something wasn’t right with her.

Agency starts to permeate in the air.

Shoe-string on finger, no contact in person-mind-soul will propel you to gain the life you so deserve.

Stay on the path of truth and light. It is genuine and bright. Resolve and resilience starts to dominate. It’s your time to shine, now spread your wings.

Gratefulness, acceptance and living in the moment facilitates your joy. Aahhh, serenity knocks. Hybrid parent? Who would of known. You sing with your 3 little birds, and off, off we all go. AhhMeh.n – Life is good.

paula
paula
7 years ago

“Gratefulness, acceptance and living in the moment facilitates your joy. Aahhh, serenity knocks. Hybrid parent? Who would of known. You sing with your 3 little birds, and off, off we all go. AhhMeh.n – Life is good.”

This is so lyrically written that there are tears in my eyes. Beautiful.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  paula

“Three Little Birds,” has to be a Bob Marley reference, Rob, right?

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Yes Ian, yes. I never referred to my 3 kids as my “3 little birds” until right after dday. My young daughter at the time sensed I was down. On her hand-made bday card to me her words verbatim, “Dad we will always be your 3 little birds.” Ahh melt. My “brown eyed girl” loves Marley as I do. Her wordd were unprovoked. I keep that card in my jeep to this day and always gaze at it.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Hey girl, quit vomiting and shaking for a second and listen to me. I am you from the future…I am here to give you a choice. Remember in The Matrix the hot Keanu character has to choose between the red pill and the blue pill, well so do you. Regardless of what you pick, you will be OK, but for hub, it wil mean the difference in heaven or hell, so the real question is, do you really believe what you say that you believe?

You wont remember this when you wake up, but before you decide, I will tell you that this emotional affair you caught him in, no. Its a full blown monkey-sex physical affair and he is convinced he is in love with her. There is more. He has been cheating on you for your entire marriage.

All those times when he acted odd and quirky and you told yourself that he was just a unique person, no, he was living a double life and the cognitive dissonance of doing so made him crazier and crazier. His flat out cold hearted meanness was because he needed a reason to justify his actions and he decided a LONG time ago that you deserved this. Nothing you can do or say will change him, he is as bad as you ever feared he was and worse.

He never had the maturity or sanity to follow through with the vows he made on your wedding day and he has shit on what little bonds of marriage you ever had. You can walk away now, God gave you free will that you can act on just as God gave him free will. Your prayers are sweet, but they will never make him the husband you hoped for.

The other shocking piece of info is that hub’s days are numbered. 7 is the number of completion and in 7 years he will die. Your Church teaches that a spouses job is to get their counterpart to Heaven and that is why God chose you as his wife. I know you thought that a Christian marriage would bring you happiness, well that was mostly modern evangelical BS, you arent in happy clappy land, you are in misery with the saints and martyrs.

You can leave him now and save yourself 7 years of pain and misery. The kids will struggle at first but you will figure things out and do well. He, however, will lose the last thread that holds him close to God. He will act like a triumphant asshole and live brashly but his soul will dive further into darkness and on the night he dies, he goes to Hell.

You can stay and not knowing what I told you tonight you will keep hoping, praying and trying. He will have very brief sparkily spurts of decency but mostly he will act like the selfish ass he is and you will grieve deeply and hurt for a long time. Your presence and intercession will, however keep him connected to God just enough that his soul wont be in mortal sin when he dies. He will go to Purgatory and spend quite a bit of time debriefing his life.

In this second option, you will grieve deeply at first but you will eventually get the Truth you asked for and will be pissed as shit at him. You will build a new life that isnt just good, its great. Remember that life insurance policy he just bought because he was planning to leave you? Well it was in effect when he dies and you will never again live the sorts of financial peril you are in now with his selfish, shortsighted decisions.

Right now your fondest hope is that you and he will go with you to your Church and recommit to the vows he now says he never meant. Regardless of which plan you choose, he will never do that with you. You will go to that Church with a man and marry, but it wont be with him. If you leave now, you will get one spouse I have picked for you, but if you stay, you will reconnect with a person from your past who is right now suffering also.

This choice will be hard and you are free to do either thing. You will question yourself either way. Your sons will both have life altering mental health crisis in the future and if you leave now you will mistakenly think that they would have been better if you had stayed. If you stay you will have more resources to help them with but either way its gonna suck.

You need to stop allowing his selfish, twisted, fucked up, blame shifting, gas lighting self hurt you. You are great and will accomplish great things in life. Your dream of making a difference in the lives of bereaved parents will come to be in bigger ways than you ever imagined…your work will be known throughout the world, no shit.

This all hurts like a fucker and its not over…either path will hurt and be really hard. So if you choose to stay, its like the red pill, you know the true nature of the Matrix. The blue pill leaves him to the path of destruction he freely chose that you arent responsible for. So which do you choose?

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

To my fellow Chumps…even though I really believe that this was my real experience, please dont take it as a judgement for what you chose. We are all in different situations and Im positive that God frequently leads people OUT of abusive relationships and to Truth. My situation was mine alone and had to be lived in its uniqueness.

I come here daily and bemoan the fact that I didnt leave, but a closer look reveals that on some level, I chose my path and deep in my soul, I know it . I think my endless griping has more to do with the fact that Im mad that is was hard.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, I understand completely. You did the right thing for the best reasons, and God has shown you that. Thank you for your courage.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I think that was the Hopium talking while you are doing the PickMeDance jig. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest thing.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“I come here daily and bemoan the fact that I didn’t leave, but a closer look reveals that on some level, I chose my path and deep in my soul, I know it” .

unicornomore, this is what I still beat myself up about even to this day. I did chose my path but I stuck steadfastly to it until it ended. We are safer now, moreso than we were when living with the enemy even though we ignored the signs.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Yes, for so long my struggle was in learning the truth. That shifted to a time if deep self doubt for why I did what I did under the circumstances I was living in and why I refused to see the red flags flying.

Maybe that is why this is such a good exercise for us…to face ourselves and the decisions we made.

When me and newhub went to our marriage prep for the church, they separated out the “never marrieds” and “previously marrieds” for a special session.

The therapist ask us a question that was posed very differently from my loud, incessant interior self talk. I had been thinking endlessly about what I learned about deadhusband and his betrayal…but the therapist said “In your experience in your previous marriage, what did you learn about YOU?”

Well THAT was a horse of a different color. What had I learned about me? I could list stuff, but really, most of it was good…I acted valiantly in the face of betrayal and disappointment. It was an invitation to quite beating myself up over how I reacted to his abuse. I invite you to ask yourself this same question.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I love the last paragraph and I am on to it. Two things I truly did learn about myself is that I have a backbone made of steel and I have the willpower to never give up. There I go bragging again but if I don’t say it, nobody else will. I am slowly learning to give myself compliments and accept them as well !! 🙂

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

You do have willpower, Maree, and you have survived because of it. And are we ever glad you did!!

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

So Calm….life has bottomed out for you. You are in free fall, desperate to snag a hand hold on the way down to mitigate the destruction when you meet the ground.
Except it’s not what you think. Your heart may look like Dresden after WWII, and your future is a blank slate…..but your future is a blank slate. Think about that Calm.
And you do, you will. You are proactive. You will do research on potential careers. You will enroll in school and tou will shine. Your house looks like shit and all 4 of the kids are depressed. But they are going to make it. You are going to make it.
Stop taking the blame for this. Stop believing anything and everything he says. He is not your hero anymore. He hasn’t been for a long time. And if you were being honest, he really never was.
Buckle up, Calm. He is going to continue lying. He is going to throw you to the wolves to protect CFMD. he is going to give you full custody to keep her. Whatever you thought if him, it is so much worse. Every new low will not be the lowest he will sink. Do not trust him. Do not give him one benefit of the doubt.
But do know that you are lived and liked. By your kids, family, friends and even very kind chumps you will find on the internet.
Work hard Calm, and you will be in a much better place in 6 months. I can’t wait to hear what our 1 year future self has to say to us.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

Dear Sylvia,

I see you. I am watching you, as you dry heave over the sink. I see you clawing through all the prescriptions you ever had, and taking as many as you dare, to sleep through the day. So this pain will just be a tooth ache for a moment. Not a serrated stab wound in the guts. As you were unconscious, your dogs laid near your mouth, and when you stopped breathing, their little paws would pad your face, confused.

But you woke up. That pain came roaring back, making everything else recede, the world like the voice of Charlie’s Brown teacher. You are a Dingo, on the streets of screaming Manhattan, crazed and dry mouthed. You are doing risky things in the name of revenge that we both wish you could erase. That have caused you problems in the future. It is okay. It will be all right. I know you could not stop.

You are as close to insane as you have ever been.

But each day, you will keep waking up. You will do the things that keep little hearts beating and happy. I saw you carry the bags of dog food by yourself in the boiling sun. I saw you sit on the floor with a knife and pick balls of dog hair out of the vacuum. I saw you play throw the monkey toy when you wanted to sleep for many weeks.

And still he did not call. The flowers never came, did they, Babe? That No Contact thing….you never dreamed it would be effortless for him, did you? What a shitty revelation. There are more to come.

Do you know why? Because he did not love you. He had a drug whore at the ready, weeks or months before you found your actual evidence. It is hell.

And you still took the drugs, some prescribed and some not. You still cry in the middle of the day, the sounds of someone who lost their way, entirely. Of someone who does not believe in the good of the world anymore. Who has to change songs rapidly for fear of the memories they trigger. But you keep getting up, and paying bills, buying Clorox wipes, making money, brushing your teeth and breathing.

I cannot promise you that life is not going to suck at times. It still does. You messed up recently. It was such a small thing, an innocent impulse to share a moment with Jasen. Remember Sylvia, you can’t regard him as human. He will never met your needs. He does not give a damn IF you have needs. He would shrug and then gossip if you killed yourself. Let that nugget sink in as you calculate doses to unconsciousness.

As you lay in the bed, and wonder if this breading thing is overrated, I want you to know that this never had any other ending. From the moment you entered his orbit- you were doomed. He is incapable by choice of being faithful or honest. He does not want to be decent and kind. Stop thinking about the good times you had. The pain he inflicts is too monstrous for those few snatched moments of ecstasy.

But, knowing me, knowing us, I have to be honest. I can’t let you lay there in your sweat and tangled hair without telling you this: Part of this is your fault.

The rage in your eyes when I say that is the only thing that has sliced through the pain, but hold fast and listen. You saw all the signs. You did. You know it was not normal to burst into tears around a man for no reason. Your body knew his ruthless nature. You know men who are not hiding something do not have whores calling their phones. You know you can’t trust a drug addict.

Why did you? What can we do to fix that girl who always picks the meanest puppy in the basket and thinks she can fix them?

I am not trying to hurt your feelings. By taking responsibility, know that you are not a victim of the world- entirely. The Universe or Spirt or perpetually underrated Common Sense kept tapping you, kicking you, pulling your hair, whispering in your ear: HEY! THIS GUY IS SCARY!!! and you still tucked under his arm in Lowes Hardware like teenagers, and made him pancakes.

This is one of the hardest things you will ever face. No kidding. It has torn you down to rubble. It made you shrink from the world. You hid in your pretty house and read books like a mad woman. Weeks slipped through your hands. But, you are being remade.

When his round house kick to your brain did not knock all the sanity out of your head in one fell swoop, some little bird of hope braced herself and did not fly away. She clasped her perch in your mind, and never left you.

Don’t let him win. Don’t let a stupid redneck criminal drug addict steam roll you. He did steal your joy. Get it back! We just have this one shot, and you have wasted precious years on someone who does not care if you live or die. This can’t be your fate. This is not the woman you were born to be. Self pity is a thankless route. At the end of your life, all you will have is a handful of dust. ” I coulda been a contender” moments. There is reason why that line is so heartbreaking.

Thank you for all the animals you save, all the money you spend on blind cats, crazy dogs and cows that fell off the slaughter truck. Can you love yourself like you love them? Just a little?

Look at the past, but stop staring at it. No one is going to save you. Prince Charming is a lie. Even if you live a life of celibate calm order, it is a far better existence than with a sociopath.

I know I never say this, but I am trying to love you. I love the way you never back down. I love the way you tell the truth. I love the way you don’t flinch when a homeless person meets your eye and you say hello. I love the way you stick by animals that the world steps over. I love the way you can cook anything from nothing. I love the way you can be fearless in chaos. I love the way you listen to people. I love the way you don’t gossip.

If I don’t start loving you properly , no one else will.

Wash your face, take a deep breath and take a baby step. Stop medicating to be numb. The baby steps are going to walk you out of hell, my girl. Right up out of hell and into the Light.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, amazing writing.

Yes, we women GET OURSELVES into these messes. We think we have the power to change them, to love them better, to fill up that hole within them. Who do we think we are, with this incredible power to Impact Life? God?

Is is our outward focus, trying to source love outside of ourselves who will love us and make us feel loved, our lack of self care, our lack of clarity (‘is this acceptable to me?’ the ultimate CL definition), our lack of calling a thing a thing ….

we brought it on ourselves. We invited it. We allowed it. We didn’t love ourselves first.

That isn’t a hating on self, it is taking responsibility.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Right on, Patsy. I have to take responsibility. One of the strangest moments of my life was when I went to a man’s house to pick up money that was owed to Jasen.

There was a husband/wife carpenter team (very kool!) doing the floors. The woman said, Are you Jasen’s wife? I said, No, engaged though.

She said something to her husband and they both looked at me with REAL ALARM and the woman said:

***”You have a lot more guts than I do”***

I did allow it. I was blatantly and willfully blind to the Universe shaking me by the shoulders. I am 40, and I had never wanted to share my life with anyone before, not like this.

He was a core shaker, but real love, good love…is not scary and does not need to be FIXIN’. Hair styles and small wardrobe changes are about as far as it goes in terms of changing a partner, and even that might be a struggle.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

“He would shrug and then gossip if you killed yourself. Let that nugget sink in as you calculate doses to unconsciousness”.
Precisely. Been there too, Sylvia. In the end, I didn’t trust anyone else to look after my dogs, and I found CN. That’s why I am still here.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

KiwiChump,
Well, I am right there with you. I would never leave my boys. One of my best friends gave me the runt of the litter, cross eyed Shih Tzu about three years ago that was deemed not “breed standard”. (Who cares?)
She knew what she was doing. This was before Jasen, but I realized when she gave him to me, that I had to stick around on this mortal plain a much longer time so my little Joji would always have a mommy that anticipates his every need.

I don’t even trust dog kennels.

And, by God, we just can’t let these motherfucker’s win, can we. This life will be over much, much quicker than we know. Wouldn’t it be the worst irony to kill yourself over someone who thought of us with the same reverence he/she did a blowfly?

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, I get by every day on “can’t let the bastards win” too. It works to keep me on my feet. I also dream of him begging me to forgive him, of making him suffer but forgiving him and getting back the man I thought was my man. Of us banishing the whore and her pack together.
Letter to my DDAY self?
Dear Kiwichump, in a couple of months, in MC you will wish for the blue pill while wailing that he has no empathy, he has been replaced by an alien. You will still hang on while he lies and preps the family against you. He will lawyer up with the whore behind your back. He will continue to use you to raise his kids and her kid. He will run the farm into the ground. When he finally leaves he will admit he knew he didn’t love you 8 years ago. He lied to you through six miscarriages. They used you. Everything you suspect, it’s worse. But you will discover when he is gone that you are competent on the farm, resourceful, and respected by your farming neighbours. A lot of people will help. You will learn that you love this job that you had never done until 8 years ago. You will get a shit job off farm on minimum wage to save the business. You will work so much you will often have to choose between eating and sleeping. You have found your true calling. He is still trying to take it from you. So throw him out now and start fighting. He hates you for being capable and that will not change unless you spend your life pretending you’re an idiot and a whore. That’s the ex whore’s job.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Hi Hi Hi SheChump,

I am laughing, because you are so……on it. Yes, I am still deeply in love with Jasen. I wish I wasn’t. It is a toxic stew of love and hate. Like Tempest put most righteously, it IS part of the process. But, I am in quicksand.

I want to kiss him and then bite his arm like a rabid Rottweiler, pulling out chunks of that beautiful skin. I want him to beg me for forgiveness so I can kick in his teeth. I want to lock him in a room so I can watch him.

Never one to mince words, I was not the most stable gal before I tangled with this sociopath. That is why I keep patiently but desperately telling everyone that knows me: Can you help me? I can’t get better. I have intrusive thoughts that will result in me wearing corn rows and having to go down on dirty women for Little Debbie Cakes at the Commissary, or have nude fights in the prison shower. But, people are fatigued of this topic. Hell, I am tired of it.

It feels self indulgent.

But, my mind, like Tempest spoke of: I have monkey mind. Some Buddhist texts say to simply observe the Monkey Mind, don’t judge her, and let her fling her feces and howl. Tempest let her’s stay in the guest room. This was clever.

I do not have this self control. My Monkey shakes me awake, and hisses at me: Do you remember the time you sang Come on Eileen in his ear, and you snuggled like puppies in a tent, and all the orgasms he gave you? The way you would kiss in the kitchen? The way he would call and say “Hey Babe” and your heart would leap like teen age love? Seeing his face and feeling like you won the lottery? Do you remember that a drug whore was talking about her pussy to him?

This is what pops my eyes open in full dark, and makes me still gag over the sink: that OCEAN of feeling I have for the son of a bitch.

From someone who was raised in two religions, to a reader of Hitchens and Dawkins…..to someone who simply does not know what is out there in the void….I get down on my knees….*down on my knees* and pray two things:

-to be released from this pain that colors every thought
-and that he will beg me for forgiveness.

It’s a big ole ball of crazy. I am terrified.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, what would you do if he did beg you for forgiveness. Forget all the pain that he has put you through, like you never experienced it, like he never did things to you that made you experience that searing, soul shattering pain? You would remember that all those times that he was lying and betraying you, he was using the love that you had for him against you. You can’t unlearn that.
You just have to start to see him for the sparkly, gold glitter encrusted turd that he is. He may be shaped in an eye pleasing configuration, but he still is just a turd. You don’t need that in your life.
I liked that one of the chumps once commented that there was no going back like it was before, no matter if the cheater begs forgiveness. You now know that this person is capable of hurting you to your very core and that they just did not give a damn about you when they did it. You would not be getting “back” the person that you had started out with and that person that you started out with probably wasn’t the person that he/she told you they were in the first place. You are no longer the person you were in the beginning either. You are stronger and smarter than you used to be, even though you think you are about as strong as a soap bubble at times.
CL says that we are not in the broken winged sparrow fixing business, if the sparrow comes to you complaining or even begging for forgiveness, you threaten to break its other wing and send it on its way.
You are mighty Sylvia, don’t let those intrusive thoughts get in your way. You will get through this and you will see what a blessing in disguise that new p*ssy girl was to you in a really f*ed up way.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Flutterby,
Your post is dear to me and I am so grateful- I would give you a foot rub if I could get to you. Because you are just right.

“Sparkly gold glitter encrusted turd”…This image will power me through. I pasted your writing in my “Don’t Lose Your Mind” journal because it directs me back to the bottom line: I would never forgive him, even if he sincerely asked.

What would we talk about? Hey, how’d you like that ole nasty drug pussy?

I was having a conversation with him (imaginary, the chair was him) and I was free associating and I said:

“I never knew you anyway, did I?”

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I missed you, Sylvia. I was wondering what happened to you as you haven’t posted in awhile.

You are a beautiful and talented writer.

Your comment on your hair struck me. I’m not a model or anything like that, but I think I’m pretty. I’ve been told I’m beautiful. I’m not sure if it’s true or not. What my ex did to me took my beauty away. I’ve had hair like you described. For almost two years, I just don’t care anymore about my appearance. I’ve never been like this my entire life. I’m afraid I’m going to be like this forever. 🙁

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha O Mine,

You are depressed. When we are depressed, our looks do not matter. If you can muster up the power, it really helps to try and just look nice. But not for any man. Just for you!

I had to get super dressed up about two weeks ago for a meeting. Heels, make up, etc. And even though I sat in the parking lot of my Singles Meet Up and never went in (fail) I did go to a restaurant by myself.

As shallow as it is, the over the top male attention I received did make me feel like this: maybe I will not be alone the rest of my life. I felt like Jennifer Aniston. Granted, I was at a chain restaurant, but I *knew* I looked good. Clinical depression and loss of appetite have resulted in a 37 pound weight loss. That is A LOT for me.

So, Martha of Mine, you will NOT feel like this forever BUT there is a “fake it till you make it” component. Just start by getting highlights and a trim. Or a blow out. Or a new tube of lipstick. A mani/pedi. But let me tell you….looking bad never made anyone feel better.

I say focus all that energy you focused on your piece of shit husband on YOU. Looks, yoga, eating, moving, reading…all those things are energy that sustain, not diminish you.

People who move around a lot look good: surfers, people who do manual labor. It gives them a glow. That glow is sexy. And even if we were in a convent, it feels good to move and be healthy and feel juicy.

I bet you are beautiful and pretty- don’t let that motherless fuck steal that from you. Get it back and rock it out. Fuck his skank ass to hell and back. YOU can outshine him. ?

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Hello, Sylvia. Thanks for reply back. 🙂 You are so right. I know I’m depressed, but I’m doing things that make me more depressed, like not taking care of myself and my looks. I’m off all my prescription meds now, including antidepressants (they have added to unwanted weight gain and another symptom that I don’t like at all.)

I’m going to print out what you wrote and put it on my fridge. I need a kick-in-the-butt reminder every day to be good to myself. No one else will do it for me!

I’m happy you are back at Chump Lady. I always enjoy reading what you have to say. I hope you are doing kind things for yourself, too. ((((HUGS)))) to you. 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha: Go to the Forums and find or set up a Chump Meetup in your area. You have no idea how soothing it is to meet other people who get it, and who, as soon as you start to describe your situation, can finish your sentences for you. The biggest antidote to depression is social support. NOTHING else equals it.

And for today–get thee to a drug store for some bubble bath and a scented candle for 15 minutes of self-care tonight. Hugs!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That is true, (I need to do it) AND Martha O Mine, even if you have to charge it- go get a massage. Post haste.
Not being touched makes us feel bereft and panicked. Massage releases all sorts of feel good chemicals and it makes me feel so much better.

I will post in the forum one day a hilarious story that happened right after DDay where I was wild & I picked a massage therapist off CraigsList and…it was interesting. Let’s just say, I could of had all a different type of release. 😉

Don’t worry- that was me being nuts not realizing most “normal” massage places don’t have Sunday appointments at night. I was in a fugue state.

But do it this week! Baby steps. If you are adding weight and it makes you sad, just skip meals (unless you have low blood sugar or medical issues). I just sort of stopped eating and the weight falls off of me. Remember, the three meals a day thing was for farm and manual labor. There is so much food around that is…cheap, available food with that dangerous triangle of fat, salt and sugar (real addictions) and it is just too many calories unless you are roofing a house or something. Not eating as much does not sell books and products, but it works.

I could easily go the other way and become a small, sturdy house, but for now, I need to NOT feel like a wildebeest.

Also, MOVE AROUND! Dance and sing in your house. El momento es vida-

Movement is life.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Remember this Sylvia, forever and always. He did not deserve you.

None of THEM deserved any of US. If I could, I’d stand on top of my desk right now and shout that at the top of the my lungs.

Never apologize for being who you are. Compassion and loyalty are not weaknesses. You’re still here because you are strong. Your strength is what THEY fear so much and what makes no contact for them a necessity because they cannot face our strength. I know this because I have seen that fear in my cheater’s own eyes.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Done4Gone,
I just pictured you like Sally Fields in Norma Rae, gracefully climbing up on your desk and shouting out the truth! This is a great image. I copied your post and stuck it to my bulletin board.

He did not deserve me. My God, I would be better off living in a ditch with a wombat than him. He is, like your X, pathologically disordered. And, just cruel.

He never got what it meant to love someone. To love them with devotion and constancy that no one could have talked me out of. Not 10,000 men. And he never will.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

My fav actress in one of my fav movies. You gave me the best compliment ever.

Sylvia, you’re caring, compassionate and deserve happiness. Keep reminding yourself that. No matter who or what my ex throws my way I just keep telling myself that he doesn’t get to have any significant role in my life anymore.

Your life force is precious. Don’t waste a single microcosm of it on him. He doesn’t deserve it. He never did.

You will get through this. If you have to, stand on something and shout that out loud until you believe it.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Places in the Heart, too! I can’t take it. I love love love that movie!

I want to live on the farm with them, and help pick the cotton, and help John M. weave the chairs. (I would also help him with other things?)

You see? What attracts us to those movies? Nobility. Strength. Loyalty. Love. All the things these sons of bitches took and shat all over.

That is one thing that comforts me at 3AM: No one will ever respect him. No one does. No one trusts him. They might make small talk with him, or ask him for money, but no one would want him in their home, or in their family, or break bread with him.

I have a key to every house in my development, 9 houses. Because they can trust me. He will never have that.

See, even my movie analysis and love of Sally Fields is hijacked by my hatred of him.

***My love is turning to hatred. Not Meh but a dangerous, menacing thuggish hatred that is without mercy. I hope I keep in check. He better hope I can. I have these intrusive thoughts….they ain’t pretty. They are medieval and brutal. These thoughts make me smile, but there is no light in my eyes.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Tempest’s Hurdy-gurdy monkey was/is key to my healing. Rage is not an emotion men can express freely. Well, they shouldn’t. Well, I can’t. Well, 2016 is a horrible example.

Nevertheless, I felt the rage seething after Match Girl victimized me. I came to Chump Lady, and in the early months, I spewed some of that venom on people here. (I think better here than on a hapless person in real life.) My words were so toxic that I daren’t speak them to even my closest flesh-suited confidante. So Chump Nation bore the brunt. And, I never wavered in my confidence that it would abate. And it has. Only because I never unleashed it, and I never ignored it. (I also never medicated it due to my particular circumstances.) Another one of the small graces that Chump Lady has provided is to “meet” some other intellectual equals who gave me free reign to explore that rage in a non-harmful way.

Now that monkey is back in his cage, and I am free to find my next monkey.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia – ‘***My love is turning to hatred. Not Meh but a dangerous, menacing thuggish hatred that is without mercy. I hope I keep in check. He better hope I can. I have these intrusive thoughts….they ain’t pretty. They are medieval and brutal. These thoughts make me smile, but there is no light in my eyes.’

Well, how about a Chump Dart?
You are still madly in love with this guy, Darlin’.

No, it is as far from Meh as you can get. You are having intrusive thoughts of hatred because, well, you still seem madly in love.
I found the more I ‘loved’ the X, the more I hated him for what he was doing.
And, it was deep deep hatred.

So, when I got to the ‘indifference’ stage (more towards meh), I realized I wasn’t thinking about him much anymore.
I certainly lost my anger somewhere in the time that passed, so he became really nothing to me.
He is just not worth any head space.
Filling it up with revenge with ‘no light in your eyes’ could possibly destroy you emotionally and mentally.

It’s time to quit thinking about HIM and about how fantastic YOU are and what the title of your book will be.
Really, you have a wonderful and talented way of writing and expressing yourself.
The Axe-Murderer really doesn’t suit the Sweet Sylvia is Sad.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

I actually don’t think hate is just a cover for love. So many examples spring to mind–I hate Boko Haram for kidnapping those teenage girls, but I never loved them, nor could I. A person could vehemently hate the person who beat them and stole their wallet, without the hate indicating love. Especially for the justice-oriented, hatred is the response to a violation of a great moral code, and/or a huge personal insult (especially one that leaves us feeling helpless).

And that hatred is a natural part of the healing process after infidelity. You can’t skip it, you can’t mitigate it, you can’t suppress it, without grave harm to yourself and your recovery. Furthermore, rage and hatred are justified after what happened to all of us chumps.

When I was in my period of blackest rage, I pictured a hurdy gurdy monkey on my shoulder who would hiss and spit and throw peanuts. He showed no indication of calming down, or going away, so I ‘invited’ him to use my guest room. After a few months, the monkey would have hours where he just observed passersby (no hissing), and occasionally would feed me a peanut. Take care of your monkey.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Of course, I agree Tempest.
I think we all went through that period of extreme hate towards our spouses.
(I do think a physcopath falls into the same category of hate/love towards his victims)
But, for me – I believe the hate when as deep as the love.
Once I got rid of the love, the hate seemed to dissipate rapidly. As did the anger. (too much of my energy)

I probably didn’t realize Sylvia is still so raw in this. I apologize, Sylvia.
I do believe it’s a totally necessary step to get through.
Face it and I think we had a thread here once where everybody got out exactly what they wanted to do to their spouses during the hate stage.
Some folks here are pretty creative!

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

To my Friends Maree, Loved a Jackass, GotOutYoSeat and Done4Good,

Well, you can’t know what your responses mean to me. Or maybe you do.

I recently made a terrible mistake. I found out something about his parents, (who are dead) and I called him. It was just a horrible but human impulse. Anyone would want to know about their parents.

The pain on the other end of that phone put me in bed for days. He had a harem with him, not just one, but also the one that he slept with while with me. He allowed her to grab the phone and cuss me out. Me out? I was the one being betrayed. I have never experienced something so….surreal.
He is as brutal as a third world dictator. He could have walked away from his harem, listened to my news and then got on with his partying.

After this cunt screamed at me, she then hung up. I did not get to respond. The only thing that does make me smile, is she was hysterical “HOW DID YOU GET HIS NEW NUMBER?”

He sent it to me, bitch! *HE IS TRIANGULATING HER AS HE DID ME*

It made me wild. It made me sick. I hate myself for messing up after so much NC. I never contacted him since Mother’s Day! This was a person I used to speak to 7-10 times a day. It was just a weak moment. I was excited to tell him about what I found about his parents. It was just by accident. (Going through old documents).

I don’t know. I don’t know when I will COMPLETELY understand that this monster just does not give a shit if I live or die. He treated me like a blow fly when I called…an annoyance..I was replaced with 27 year old drug addict.

Who is about as smart as a bag of hair.

I just have to keep living. I am not sure what to do with my mind right now. What a set back.

I recently ordered the Big Book for Alcoholics. Not because I drink, but I have a problem where I cannot truly ACCEPT that this person is like Ebola. That I can’t fix this.

My mother (the withholder of all things compassionate) did say: it was just a normal thing to do to tell someone about their parents but you never grasped he is not normal.

Without of trace of exaggeration, the people on here who must see the AP, my heart bleeds out for you. Hearing her snarled up, dumb voice, and knowing they were chumping me while I made him homemade potato salad and gave him sex on demand, fixed his banking problems and washed his clothes….my friends…it is *almost* too much to bear.

I have been asleep for two days, aside from taking care of the munchkins. I have to get up. I have to baby step. Thank you, and thank you and thank you, Amen.

GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
GetOutYoSeatAndChumpAround
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, you are one of the most gifted writers I’ve ever read at any site. May the love you begin to give to yourself flourish as beautifully as your talents.

You will get there, girl. 😉

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

That is a wonderful thing to say. Thank you so very much. It means even more coming to someone who has been wallowing in the bed for days, indulging in homicidal ideation, with a big tumbleweed of bed hair and eyes red from crying.

Maybe I can write my way out of this.

After I wrote my letter to myself, I did feel better. I can’t be snarky about my experience yet. It is like being snarky about the death of a loved one. I hope one day to think of him as I would dryer lint.

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

You can write your way out of it!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

“Thank you for all the animals you save, all the money you spend on blind cats, crazy dogs and cows that fell off the slaughter truck. Can you love yourself like you love them? Just a little?”
Let me say this to you, too. You’re such a loving person. Love yourself too, like you love those blind cats, crazy dogs, and escaping cows.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ,
I love to read your thoughts. Like big time. Thank you. I recently took in a foster cat that was born with no eyes. If I told you what she was capable of, it would amaze you. (Or you might know).
She plays, snuggles, runs and finds her food bowl. My dogs and cat Ernie think she is the best thing since Catsup and Fries.

The vet who asked me to take her said, What a relief- we know she now had a home for life. (Supposed to be a foster).

I have a neighbor who borders on rude and cruel commenting that I have no children. Looks at me with pity that all I have are animals. ( I can’t have them, you harpee). But, she recently confided in me that her husband gave her herpes from cheating.

I could not resist because she is so smug and insensitive. I said:

“Yes…funny thing about my animals….they never made me have to go on Valtrex.”

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Ha – beautiful come back. I myself have 2 cats, 1 hamster and a couple of goldfish. We had 4 cats but old age took 2 over the years. I’d have more but money is tight now. But my daughter is learning how to love and care for animals. I often thought if my ex had learned the same at a young age he might have been a different person.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

Yes, they are missing that compassion chip. Jasen put on a HUGE SHOW of loving my boys and my recently passed Roxie Music. And guess what? He has never checked on them once.

Your X may have hurt an animal as a child. I read Dahmer did that.

Yes, just wait on the dog. They are like having children. You have to arrange for care if you want to even stay out late. They are not like cats. Cats “sort of” care if you stay away over night, but sort of yawn and stare at the ghosts or spirits we can’t detect.

And, I don’t ever say anything lightly: You are a wonderful mother. Your little girl is going to thrive because of your nurturing. Be sure and make her know that your X’s treatment of her is no reflection of her worth- NADA. Tell her young and often.

There is a book, Daughters Without Dads. I think your little girl is 5 or 6, and some of the concepts might be over her head. I know he is in your life somewhat…but not really, is he? Work on those issues now…so she does not end up like me.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

A wonderful response LaJ to a lovely young woman who deserves much love and kindness herself. Be as gentle, kind and loving with yourself Sylvia as you are to all the animals.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree,
The Dingo reference was for you.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, there is a saying, “when you are going through Hell, keep going”. You will be fine dear girl. Give yourself as much time as it takes to mend. You will get there. ((HUGS)) 🙂

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Hey you. It’s bad right now now no question. Only four months ish since this thing you have discovered people call D-Day. You now know a lot about cheating and lying and deceit and emotional pain that you didn’t know before. But you knew one thing straight away, that it wasn’t anything that reflected badly on you. You trusted, were kind and committed. You are decent and loyal. You loved so much.
You have so much fear but you are learning that facing it and taking small steps into it is ok and makes it smaller.
You know that there is a voice inside you somewhere that is you. It’s faint but it’s determined. It is yelling at you – that this is your chance for your life, this is your time, you can do this, you will soar, trust me, hang on. Keep listening to this voice until it is only whispering because you are there, in your new life.
Just keep going. Keep listening. ❤️

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago

Jojobee (the younger),

He doesn’t love you at all. Really. It’s not that he grew up in a different “style of family,” isn’t “used to showing affection,” or “just needs lots of friends and time alone.” It’s because he really doesn’t love you. CAN’T love you–because he is not a person (in the sense that you and all loving good people define person). He understands what he is doing to you and he ENJOYS it. Believe it. He is a sadistic POS.

Take care of your kids and yourself,

Jojobee (the elder)

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

He doesn’t love you at all. Really. It’s not that he grew up in a different “style of family,” isn’t “used to showing affection,” or “just needs lots of friends and time alone.” It’s because he really doesn’t love you. CAN’T love you–because he is not a person (in the sense that you and all loving good people define person). He understands what he is doing to you and he ENJOYS it. Believe it. He is a sadistic POS.

WOW… this was my life. I could have written this myself… Well… There’s my letter to me! Thanks JOJOBEE!

Jojobee
Jojobee
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

It’s really all our letters. It took me so long to convince myself it was true.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Same here. Just so unbelievable…

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

No, I know he loved me as much as he was able. But it wasn’t enough for my needs, and trying to make my needs smaller and smaller damn near killed me.

Then, when my dissatisfaction became to shrill, that is when the discard and looking for a new appliance (whilst keeping the old appliance because it was of use) happened.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

True love never materializes with people like this… I know what you mean about trying to compensate for lack of love/affection, Patsy. It does make us so unhappy… Our needs not being met.

NewHere
NewHere
7 years ago

Dear NewHere from 2 years ago,

Congratulations, girl. You did it. You stuck to your guns and followed your zero tolerance policy on infidelity. You hired the PI, put a tracker on the vehicle you both owned, downloaded the contents of his cell phone in the middle of the night, Meryl Streeped your way through 5 weeks of pretending life was normal while your lawyer did his thing, and sat calmly watching Kansas City win the World Series while he was at his AP’s house getting served. You were ALL KINDS of awesome! Sure there were some valleys. You cried at inappropriate times (including at work), you had to take a vacation day to get drunk on what should have been your 25th wedding anniversary, you had to change your route to work for a year so you wouldn’t drive past the AP’s house when he moved in with her, you said some things to the kids that they probably already knew but didn’t need to hear from you, but you got through it. All those people who told you, “it gets better” were right! Now look at you. You got your concealed carry permit, you learned to push mow ¾ of an acre of rocky, hilly “yard”, you run and workout with weights regularly and look better than you did when you got married, you have interesting hobbies, you have an incredible support system, you are rockin’ it! You’re rockin’ it so much that ONLY 2 YEARS LATER, the anniversary of tag day (the day he got served by surprise) came and went, and you didn’t even notice. Is that meh? Damn right it is! You always knew you were mighty. The loser just gave you a chance to show it. Thanks, loser. REALLY REALLY great job, NewHere!

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  NewHere

Can I hire you as my life coach? Great progress in such a short amount of time!

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
7 years ago

Dear Snakebit….

Patience. Patience. Patience.

Snake is going to fuck with you, he won’t let you have your freedom easily, but you will get there. While you are stuck in limbo, you’re going to have some good times, reconnect with old friends, and make the best of things. You’re lucky. At the end of the day, when the divorce is final, you won’t have as much money as you thought you’d have, but that’s okay, it’s only money. You won’t have the new house you thought you’d be able to afford, but the older house you do find is still perfectly acceptable, and probably a better fit for you and your four dogs. Yes, I said four. You pick up two more rescues, who bring you love that is endless and joy that is priceless. You could do this because the snake isn’t around to piss and moan and complain about you being a loving and caring human being….

You’re going to find the courage to date again. Unreal, right? You never thought you could care about anyone else, never thought you could find any man as sexy as the fucking snake, but you were wrong. After half a lifetime with a snake, you will stumble in the dating arena, you will be taken in by some wrong dudes, and you will be hurt again, but you’ll pick yourself back up, because surviving is what you fucking do these days.

Oh, and you know those antidepressants and other psych meds you thought you were destined to take the rest of your life? You’re free of those. Once you got out of eggshell and gaslighting land, you started to feel better every single fucking day….

You and your daughter connect on levels that snake doesn’t dominate. At some point, she’ll see that you are happy and off your meds and possibly realize how toxic her father was for you. If she doesn’t, that’s okay too, the two of you get along and that’s what matters.

You’ll eventually be living your life as you please, and I can’t say whether a man will be worthy of joining your journey, but no matter what, life is better. You just have to handle snake being an asshole and dragging the divorce out for a while.

Awake
Awake
7 years ago

Pray, pray, pray and when you are done, pray again. It works!

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago

Dear Fifi,
You’re sitting at your computer in 2016, feeling happier than you have in a long time. Surprisingly, happiness doesn’t depend on having money, or a man in your life, or any number of circumstances arranged just the way you thought they had to be in order to survive J’s betrayal, divorce, and subsequent remarriage to the Ho He Rode Out On.

Back in 2014, you don’t want those fucking growth opportunities, and I understand that completely. You’re going to drink too much wine much too often for awhile, and watch Downton Abbey every single night for an entire year. I get that too. You’ll wonder why you’re such a loser that he never once tries to contact you. Realizations of lies told and disrespect shown will explode periodically in your head like grenades, and you’ll clutch the edges of the sink and cry until you puke. You’ll feel scared of facing old age alone, and broke.

Just know the next two years will be ones of tremendous growth, not showy but deep. Right now you’re desperate to fill the gaping hole in your heart and psyche. In two years you’ll have moved from desperate to content, even though nothing big has changed in the circumstances of your life. You’ll start running (really, I ain’t lyin’!). You’ll learn to be ok with not knowing what the future will bring. You’ll realize you’re an amazing person — strong, kind, generous, funny, and smart. I wish I could tell you about all the inner adventures you’ll have, that will build the foundation for you to get back out in the world and have some fun! Don’t despair. Trust the process. Trust yourself. You got this!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

The “Ho He Rode Out On” — hahahahahahaha.

And for me, instead of Downton Abbey, it was Frasier reruns. Every night. For a year. 🙂

Arlo
Arlo
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

I know right, the ho he rode out on, killed me! One of the best ones I’ve seen on here. Will be laughing at that one for days… 😀

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Arlo

If you like Downton, watch Poldark. Not the 70s one, but the new one. It is now in Season Two, so savor each one.

The leading man is amazing to watch for many reasons, (he is so sexy you squirm watching him) but the story line is gripping and wonderful.

Another series that will take you away is 6 Feet Under. It is older, but give it a chance. It never takes the easy way out, and the characters are rich and complex. (But it will break your heart a bit).

Another good one (you can see I do this too) is the OLD Twilight zones on Amazon. Excellent writing and thoughtful premises. If you like SciFi, those are hard to match.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, good recommendations! I like the old and the new Poldark, for different reasons. But I’m behind a season on the new one. After my Dad died, I binge-watched Six Feet Under. What a difficult, amazing show. Don’t know if I could watch it again, but at the time it was exactly what I needed. Just finished Grace and Frankie, which I like partly because women chumps in their 70s who are intelligent, active, resourceful and sexual are a rarity on TV.

Arlo, you’ve gotten some good ones on these threads yourself! Might as well laugh, right?

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Fifi

Another genre I am obsessed with is North Korean Non Fiction Escape Literature. Not to revel in their pain, but to know that this is happening *right now*…it is heartbreaking. It infuriates me no one helps them. I would rip that smug fat fuck Kim Jong Il apart with my bare hands.

Once you dive into it, your problems will recede while you read. Learning about how people (just like you and me) have to get up and scour the forests for bark and pine needles to make soup….you will go look at your pantry and marvel at the riches you have.

Starvation is theme of most of them. This is from a book called: Every Falling Star by SungJu Lee.

When one boy confronts another about stealing:

“Morality is a great song a person sings when he or she has never been hungry. You can walk the noble road, SungJu. But, if you die because of it, nobody will remember you were a noble person. Just a fool. Our enemy is death now.”

And, how infantile, disgusting, selfish and deluded am I- that I would rather fight starvation WITH Jasen, together, than face what he did, and how he did it. I would rather have been a team and faced down the horrors of hell than for him to have been so utterly sub human.

But, maybe that is because I have never starved.

Either way, these survivor books are just as absorbing as binge watching.

Note:The Walking Dead also rocks. And, of course, the Sopranos is the best TV show ever acted and written, but so many cheating triggers and misogynistic. I have also found it makes me feel more violent and curse more.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

SheChump,
I am not sure where this will show up because I could not find the reply button under your post- I hope you see it.

I think we are focusing on suffering because we have suffered terribly. It might give us some perspective on suffering (Eating hair soup would be worse!)
and it makes us commiserate with people who have been unfairly and horrendously treated.

So, you might as well go for it and rent Shoah. I *believe* it is 10 hours long. It is the best film on the Holocaust….ever. It is a documentary and took many years to complete. You can usually find it at public libraries.

Be prepared.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Heya Sylvia – I just wanted you to know I just got a 6 disc set of Shoah in the mail (love 2 day delivery).
It was extremely hard to find and I had to search for version with English subtitles.
It’s not avail on so many sites – even Amazon.

But, I got it, it cost me a big nickel – but for 6 discs and 70 hrs of viewing, I think it was worth it.
I understand the quality on these newly produced discs is pretty decent…

ok – going away for 70+ hours now…

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Wow Sylvia – you certainly nailed it. I never thought about it that way, that we are relating to people who have suffered great injustices and how we can somewhat relate to that. Perfect.

I also appreciate the movie recommendation. I haven’t heard of Shoah but I’m going to look it up right now. And, here I thought I’d seen most every movie on the Holocaust.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia – ‘Another genre I am obsessed with is North Korean Non Fiction Escape Literature.’

Me too! Oddly enough. I have read many books on some of their stories, which these people risked their lives to tell.
Yes, it makes you realize how these atrocities are going on around us daily.
Certainly it helps us understand their plight and how lucky so many of us are in the rest of the world.
Not sure why I have a fascination with N Korea as well as the Holocaust.

Fifi
Fifi
7 years ago
Reply to  BetterDays

I love you, BetterDays! Frasier was an excellent choice!! DA was my dirty little secret. I was ashamed to tell anyone for the longest time. We’re so silly about ourselves sometimes.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago

Dear Bliss,

I’m writing to you from your future to tell you to dry those tears and kick that fear, no terror, to the curb. He is either a closet gay or has an extreme attachment disorder. You can’t fix him and it’s time to get free. You’ve wasted enough years of your precious life on him. How about you spend some of that lavish care on yourself? Life is going to be so beautiful. You are going to soar and inspire many. Live that joy, that freedom, that bliss. Your kids are going to love you even more. They will actually ask you what took you so long?

Prepare to find your tribe, Bliss. People who understand, who know exactly what the pain is like, who help you to understand what was happening all those years. They will give you the vocabulary and tools to get free and become your best self. You will love them like family. You will see the world with new eyes, and it will amaze you with its beauty.

Hang in there, Bliss. The best years of your life are still ahead. He never could snuff out your candle. Keep on shining.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

You have found your tribe Bliss and we are very happy you are part of it.

JC
JC
7 years ago

Three points for the younger, more foolish JC:

(1) Know your worth. You’ll find a group that repeats this phrase often. And that’s because it’s valid. You didn’t cause this mess; neither did “issues” in the marriage. All marriages have issues. You can work through them, leave, or cheat. Your wife–the person who stood in front of your entire family and swore to be faithful to you–has chosen door #3. She doesn’t respect you and has been lying to you longer than you know. Think about it, if you are discovering this today, that means that she made a series of decisions over the course of months, at least, that led to this moment. You don’t deserve this.

(2) You will be better after this. You will be stronger, and a more well-rounded person–more willing to face fears and make difficult choices. That may seem like a long way off, and in a sense it is. But each hour, each day, that you stand by what you know to be right, stand up for yourself, and do what’s best for you will be a step in that direction.

(3) Think about your family and the values with which you were raised. You used to believe that your wife shared those values. She doesn’t. Begin TODAY the process of accepting who she really is–take off your blinders to her tremendous fault laid bare today, and know that she was always, and will always be, this selfish person.

This all sucks. It will throw your life into chaos for a couple of years. But, you’ll make new friends, become closer to your family, and find life again as your own person. It’s time to worry about yourself, and not about her.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

<3

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago

Dear KathleenK,

I know you are at the end of your rope and you can’t eat, can’t sleep, can’t function. You drink vodka to numb the pain (but in moderation – always worried about the alcoholism in your family. Even in extremis you are a wise woman). You can’t stop shaking for weeks and have to take sleeping pills just to get a little rest. You are shattered, head spinning, unbelieving – you are on the floor. You believe it will never get better, that your life is over, that everything is ruined forever.
Hey, but guess what? You WILL NOT believe this. You healed! Two years later you are divorced and No Contact. Thank you Chump Lady.
The sufferfest 25 lbs you lost? Yeah you kept that off (silver linings!!) and you look awesome. Your house is happy – full of laughter and music. You know who your true friends are. And the non-true friends? It hurts surprisingly less than you would imagine when they go by the wayside.
You have a deeper connection to life, you notice other people’s sufferings and have deep empathy. You are more awake and alive and can take incredible amounts of pleasure in the smallest of things. A cup of tea, a smile from a stranger, a dog in your lap, the sun through the window. Suffering can be a blessing if it opens you up to life and the little moments. That’s all we’ve got; one moment after another. It’s a beautiful world and I am part of it. Believe it because it is the truth. This will happen to you.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

“That’s all we’ve got; one moment after another.”

This is it.

Each moment I waste on pondering his cruel heart can never be recaptured. I must burn this on my brain.

moving forward
moving forward
7 years ago

Hey Girl, I brought you a caramel latte. Yes, it’s future me – you – 9 years from today. What a shit show the past 2 weeks have been! I heard that Short-pants (XH) finally told you about Unibrow (OW#2) or some modest version of the truth – and – that you actually met with Unibrow in your living room. Wow, that one sure has some balls.

I have to tell you a few things. Firstly, your gut was right. You aren’t crazy. He’s been lying to you forever. Secondly, keep going. Use that anger. Don’t worry so much about being fair and understanding everything. Your lawyer is awesome. Thirdly, he’s never going to apologize and he’s never going to do the right thing. (Still waiting nine years later.) This is your ace. Finally, start saying ‘no, thank you’ especially to him. (e.g., No, he can’t have a key to your house. No thanks, he can’t take you out for a drink for your birthday.) Be friendly and pleasant but that is it. No more accommodating. He’s going to waffle a lot. He’s the one who isn’t going to let go. It’s part of the mindf**k he’s being doing for a while. Pay no attention to it. He’s playing games.

I am not going to sugar-coat it. It is going to hurt like a motherf**ker for a while. You have permission to feel everything: be angry, cry, grieve, whatever – for a full year. You need this time to heal. Go back to the therapist, she’s a god send. This part is really important.

I know you are smarting because Unibrow is 26 and Short-pants is 41. You feel discarded and fat and unsuccessful and old-as-dirt. Girl, Short-pants has really done a number on your self-esteem. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Listen, you are going to have sex again – and most importantly – you are going to fall in love. Don’t freak out when I say this, but there are going to be a few really great relationships that show you how great you really are and how much you offer.

There’s a whole bunch of other stuff but these bits are the most important for you to become grounded, stronger and evolve. Girl, you transform and get better. Short-pants doesn’t. (I hear he feels miserable and trapped.) Keep going Girl! You are going to be fine.

Guess what? Short-pants and Unibrow don’t last more than 6 months!

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

NWB,

You know a soft and gentle touch isn’t my style, so first comes the news which is both good and bad:

You are not going to die.

You are going to WANT to die, many many times, but you aren’t going to. Because, whether you know it or not, you are made of stronger stuff and the world is not finished with you yet. You are going to think about trying to cheat the world through one method of suicide or another — because who wants to live in a world where THIS sort of thing can happen, not only XH’s betrayal but also your former friends’ (and the world at large’s) condoning of his behavior? — but you aren’t ever going to do it. On those days, you are going to phone a friend and talk yourself down (and most of those friends won’t even know that’s what they’re doing, because the words “suicide,” “kill” and “death” are never mentioned), and you will go on.

So you might as well get started now. Get busy livin’ or get busy dyin’… You aren’t dyin’, so livin’ it is.

It’s going to be a lot of work with a lot of heartache — that two year rule? Yeah, that’s kinda true. Don’t expect too much of yourself. But you still have to get up, get dressed, care for the dogs, go to work, pay your bills, etc.

Here’s the good news. You know that shitty thing he said to you, “Whatever HAPPENED to you?” — You will find out that you were always you. You were always strong and honest and faithful and loyal. And he was none of those things. And it was you trying to squeeze yourself into that mold of “perfect happy shiny person” that made you not yourself for a while. But here you are, out the other side, and you’re you. And you’re pretty awesome. And the friends that stuck around? They’re much better than those other friends you lost, who you also (let’s face it) never felt “good enough” to hang out with either anyway.

I don’t know what’s in store for us. But we’re doing okay. And those gut problems you’ve been struggling with for the past ten years? Gone. — Funny, huh?

You don’t belong with him. He’s bad for you. He’s bad for OW, also, but that’s her problem. — Your priority is you. You will not die. And that will turn out to be, not your punishment as you think it is now, but your reward.