Problem? Adult solution vs. Cheater solution

Cheaters often react to adult problems in selfish ways. CN member Chris described the issue this way:

PROBLEM: My wife and I argue often, mostly over financial matters.
ADULT SOLUTION: From now on, we’re going to keep a closer eye on our finances, cutting costs where we can. We’re also going to work to improve our lines of communication, particularly where financial matters are concerned.
CHEATER SOLUTION: I’m gonna go fuck a 20-year-old.

So your assignment today is to pen your own little problem/cheater solutions.

I think it’s a great exercise for several reasons. A) It’s making fun of the absurdity of cheaters. Always fun. And B) It’s a good way to remind yourself that these people have CHOICES. That you didn’t drive them to cheat. There were grown-up ways of addressing real marital issues or their lives’ dissatisfactions and they chose infidelity. Good way to rewire your brain to think about this.

So have at it — problem? Adult solution? Cheater solution?

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Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Problem: We are having financial problems on our monthly budget of 3k per month on living expenses (not including mortgage). Within the first week of the month we already have 2k in expenses, mostly on clothing and stuff bought at local department stores. (All of this shopping was done by the cheater)

Adult Solution: We both need to monitor what the expenses are and look at the Credit Card (which is paid in full each month) to see how much is on it and try and budget accordingly. Provide online access to both of us so we can see the credit card charges on an as need basis.

Cheater Solution: Yell at the other spouse and accuse them of being a control freak and trying to control them (cheater) through money. Deny that she (cheater) purchased anything and when asked about it just looks around saying ummm. Provide her (cheater) with access to the accounts so she can see for herself but never look because to look would mean taking responsibility for ones owns actions. So by not looking we can continue the denial, controlling freak argument.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Holy crap, this sounds incredibly familiar. #cheatersareallthesame

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

I second that. #noreallycheatersarethesame

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

My STBX loves to call me a control freak. Every time I tried to establish a budget so we could add college savings for our kids, he would just reply that he wasn’t afraid of a little debt. He would say it in a condescending tone to try and make me feel as if I was boring and unwilling to “live” life.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Me as well. “Controlling” because I insisted the kids be in car seats, we arrive to events on time, etc. And that he keep his dick in his pants. That one was REALLY over the top controlling.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  OhHellNo

Yeah…I was “controlling” too, because I wanted him to come home, instead of hanging out, or “working,” or whatever.

Justquestions
Justquestions
6 years ago
Reply to  GoWithYourGut

I asked me to be home before midnight, or stay art art studio for safety reasons if he couldn’t. He decided that coming home at that hour for 4 years was too hard …and I was a neurotic control freak for asking.

Peachy Again Soon
Peachy Again Soon
6 years ago
Reply to  Justquestions

I never knew what time to expect my EX home from work. For 30 years I asked him to just call or email or (more recently) text me so that I would have an idea and wouldn’t have to worry. He rarely ever did and then would act completely surprised when I would get upset about it. He said, at the end, that I was trying to control him and just wanted to know where he was all the time. No – I actually just wanted to know that he was ok and not hurt in an accident or being mugged or in the hospital or something. After he told me he was moving out, THEN he started letting me know whether he would be home for dinner or not. I told him I really didn’t care at that point. What a POS!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Justquestions

During marriage policing I read that Bazooka Jane thought Woody was cheating on me with her because I was “so controlling.” I must admit, I was pretty insistent on making him tell me the truth and keep his dick out of my niece.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

Problem: being on a limited budget due to military service. Husband demands to know where his money is going. I’m not to buy any furnishings for our coming child or household items.

Adult Solution: I show him our outlays for utilities, rent, groceries, etc. I buy only things that are discounted to “Cheap”!, or get hand-me-downs for the baby. When complaints continue, I give him the task of paying bills.

Cheater Solutions: Doesn’t pay bills. Takes “his” check, turns it into a cash wad so he can carry it around in his pocket and drag it out when he buys for his shipboard buddies.

This lasts for two months before we no longer have lights or heat in the house and I take it back. My mother helps pony up the missing funds so we can get the power back on (in January), his mother declines to help…

He goes onto shakedown cruise; refuses to give me funds for support, no allotment. Three months later, I’m about to get evicted with our two kids (one is less than one y.o.)

Adult Solution: He finally gets back from sea. Gives me $300.00 to pay for the expensive tires his little sports car HAD to have (but he hadn’t paid that bill either). I take that money and hire a divorce attorney. Ta Dah! Also manage to appease the landlord with a payment plan that will clear the past due rent and keep it current at the same time.

Linda
Linda
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

You need to address this with his chain of command. They would see to it you are provided for…

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Soldiering On – can’t you tell his commanding officer about his refusal to financially support his family and also about the infidelity?? Those are punishable offenses in the military, aren’t they? Even if not, just to get his ass kicked and the financial support you need would be worth it.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

Believe me, I tried. I even spoke to his commanding officer personally. The problem was that the Cheater was at a certain paygrade above which they have decided that the enlistee is responsible enough to take care of his family without being compelled to do so. This is obviously without actual evidence

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago

Believe me, I tried. I even spoke to his commanding officer personally. The problem was that the Cheater was at a certain paygrade above which they have decided that the enlistee is responsible enough to take care of his family without being compelled to do so. This is obviously without actual evidence!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

If command does nothing contact the adjutant general about the non-support. Let them know if they don’t do something about the non-support that you will be contacting your congressman and media outlets to let them know that command is covering up sexual misconduct.

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago

My ex was a Navy Seal. His command did nothing. I even showed them posts where he advertised on Craig’s List saying he was a Navy Seal looking to party!! He left took all the money. His command told me they couldn’t do anything.

MindfuckedChump
MindfuckedChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Ispyacheater

Oh My!!!! So was my ex….he totally abused me and our son, and when I tried to get help from his command…pointing out I was afraid…they did nothing. Instead, they told him I contacted them and it just pissed him off more.
He put me and our son in a position we were homeless for 5 weeks…I couldn’t believe the Navy would do nothing to help us, or to stop the constant psych-ops….he was the best at mindfuckery.

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

That was probably the best $300 you ever spent. The fact that he handed it to you makes it even better.

Proving yet again that cheaters are cheapskates. Actually, that could make an interesting thread. “Cheapskate Cheaters.” Maintaining a sports car while your wife and kids have no electricity is just beyond scumbag.

You on the other hand are mighty as hell!

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  Soldiering On

Wow, you are one resilient chick.
Look after yourself.

heissobroken
heissobroken
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Ta Dah – you are mighty – love it!!!

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  heissobroken

Thanks! I have to confess this was about thirty years ago; I managed to overcome his Jack Assery and got a great job and raised my kids alone (mostly), with lots of help from my mom and dad.

Cheater, however, went on to do the same stupid stuff with two other wives. One divorced him just before she retired (so he had to do without her retirement income) and the second one bought his stupid “Wad-O-Cash” trick until she found out that he was essentially broke, whereupon she kicked him out of his own car in the middle of the San Joaquin Valley and let him get himself home, then divorced his butt.

He doesn’t change much over the years.

Heather
Heather
6 years ago

Problem: First child born, life is no fun anymore and all things are not about the cheater. Cheater is not happy but says that babies are no fun but it will be better when baby is older and can do more things. I also didn’t like that my wife was sick during pregnancy. So inconvenient.

Adult Solution: Support my wife by helping out with baby and enjoying his age and stage to an extent.

Cheater Solution: Find a girlfriend and bring home the gift she sends for baby and put it on baby. Tell wife the gift is from someone at work who doesn’t send a card with gift. How fun is that, getting to silently laugh at your stupid chump wife.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Hey, that’s me too!

PROBLEM: Exhausted high-risk-pregnant wife works full time as primary breadwinner, raises toddler, attends university and doesn’t have much time left for husband.

ADULT SOLUTION: Work together to manage the household, parent, and balance life better.

CHEATER SOLUTION: Get child-free unemployed young girlfriend, support her, and be home even less.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

My cheater’s solution to the same problem: go out alone (because I was reluctant to leave a few month old baby with a babysitter and we had no family around) and blame me for being a party pooper. Then start travelling on weekends alone, and then taking longer travelling time alone. Or so I thought…

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

It wouldn’t have mattered. Children = less focus on the Cluster B. I DID go out and leave a young child with a babysitter every weekend to keep “couple time,” I gave Hannibal sex even during pain from an episiotomy, I did ALL the work with a new baby (ALL), worked a full time job, paid a lot of attention to my fuckwit husband, and he still screwed around.

That’s who they are; nothing (and I mean nothing) we did or could have done would have prevented them from fulfilling their evil, deceptive natures.

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It sounds like we were all married to the same guy. My husband was like a third baby (we had twins). I did everything for them while working at a full-time job. He drove a truck during the week and did as he pleased on the weekends. If he changed a diaper or picked up a colicky infant he acted like he deserved a medal. Yet he claims to love kids!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you , Tempest. I sometimes go back in my thoughts as in “what if I did this, or did’t do that, what would have been different?” But as you proved again their goalposts shift all the time. Good to be away from this mindfuckery.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

I honestly don’t know what they thought having a baby was supposed to be like. I had a little bit of disengaged kickback from my cheater X too. How about you buckle down and help your wife while she’s trying to figure out the whole parenthood thing too (and recovering from a beaten up downstairs area)? (Adult solution) Instead, he continued fucking prostitutes (cheater solution).

Chumpychump
Chumpychump
6 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Almost my story exactly, except no gift from other woman at the time. Mine just became a complete ass hole, who played victim all day to his new father role, which he barely participated in.

These guys gave us an even better reason for divorce than cheating; they were willing to treat there own babies poorly. Complete lack of empathy.

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpychump

Exact same scenario here except I’m such a nice person, spouse asked me to buy a baby shower gift for his married howorker (before I knew..). I wrapped gift thoughtfully and did not even receive so much as a “thank you” from her. Spouse hated when the kids were babies. He even blamed our marital issues on having little children because they took too much of my time. He doesn’t get it and I don’t think he ever will.

Merrychump
Merrychump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpychump

Chumpychump, you’re so right about how they treat their own children poorly. Let CN know.
Mr Nobody (ex/narc/serial cheater) admitted him being jealous of our three children. He always neglected both emotionally and financially the family needs (stealing money here and there), he never participated and became resentful for being set apart according to his sick point of view.
That’s one of his excuses for cheating.
The worst thing is that now my adult children fall for his charm, his sudden urge to love them. They don’t question him.
They witnessed the abuse and the cheating. They just split the blame on both of us though I never cheated and took care of the family, all the family needs. I mean bills, private schools, clothes, mortgage, restaurants, vacations.
My children have fallen for his love bombing. They’re blind even if they helped me find evidence of his multiple simultaneous affairs and encounters with prostitutes and proof of his financial damage.
So Chump Nation should know that after staying years for the sake of the intact family what you get is: cold treatment by your family members and Switzerland friends who blame you half and… adult children who are either the next potential victims or groomed narcissist enablers.

Been Chumped
Been Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Merrychump

I could have written that. My heart wasn’t broken by my ex–it was broken by my grown children who seem to want to be closer to and in more communication with their lying, cheater-narcissistic dad than with me. I will never understand it.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Been Chumped

Please don’t put your worth on that.

I saw that with asshat’s very own bio narc dad and his siblings, codependent and didn’t know. They ALL fell for the love bombing until they had marriages and kids of their own:

1.Asshat swore he would never be like his father, but he is. Only difference is asshat keeps a harem, not x wives.
2.Codependent is in a similar abusive marriage and used to try to have a relationship with him. I heard that ended.
3.Didn’t know fared the best. He was never raised around the clown and had good male role models growing up. He DID believe bio narc dad was the bomb until his mid-30’s when cognitive disssonance smacked him hard. He put the pieces together, his older siblings filled in the gaps and he has since gone full NC.

Just be present for your adult children. When they grasp the extent of fuckery, there will be some quiet support needed.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Been Chumped

They are awesome actors who play their charm and self-pity stations for the kids.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
6 years ago
Reply to  Merrychump

Merrychump- I’m going through the same thing as you. It was my son who caught dear ol’ dad cheating….. Yet he sees Judas more than me. AND my daughter (who is 20) doesn’t talk to me. She lives with her dad. I guarantee my son told my daughter what happened, yet – she doesn’t talk to me? How the fuck does that work? (Pretty sure the manipulation tactics from X has worked on her – as it did on me for so many years) And ya – the switzerland friends. I’ve come to realize they are just as big of assholes as my X. Who needs them? Not ME and neither do you!

Then There Was Me
Then There Was Me
6 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Merrychump, LadyStrange – it took my kids years of adulthood to wake up. After they had established their own homes and relationships, they put the jigsaw puzzle together on their own.

8 years after their dad died (suicide during his marriage to schmoopie) DS stated “Dad was a narcissist”.
Wow. I didn’t see that coming.
I didn’t ask why DS how he came to this conclusion. I trust he reviewed the evidence in his own time. DS also had information that I am blissfully unaware of. DD doesn’t speak of her dad at all.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
6 years ago

I’m sorry it took them so long TTWM. That is what I am afraid of, but there is nothing I can do about it now….
The other day my bf was telling me how great he thinks I am (of course he’s only known me 6 months….) and it “Boggles his mind” how anyone can treat me like shit. He was of course referring to Judas, but I said “Are you referring to my daughter?” That took him kind of by surprise and he replied “Ya – that too. It’s really too bad about your daughter cuz she is missing out on a great mom…” I cried after he said that.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago

Wow TTWM, You have been through some tough painful stuff! I’m gobsmacked. I’m so glad you’re DD & DS came around finally. Unpacking that shit must have been awful for them as well. Thanks for sharing your story at CN. It’s resonating with me.
In other news..I just got a text response from both my grown kids within an hour… I’m gobsmacked by this as well…

Merrychump
Merrychump
6 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Blessings to you, Ladystrange. Who needs them, you’re right.
We would have loved more people, friends, relatives without cheaters intoxicating our environment. But it’s the occasion for spotting fake friends. As for our children… obviously they are being manipulated. I just hope they won’t have to pay for cheater’s further damage. I know he’s preparing for more financial exploitation. Cheaters are emotional and material thieves. They just manage somehow not to end up in jail.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago

Problem: cheater cheated with friend of both of us for a year( first saying it was a one night stand and he f#cked her in our bed because they both got drunk). But hey wife is supporting me because I’m a lousy businessman and business is already going downhill
Adult solution: separate in preparation for divorce. Pay for lawyer and split assets.
Cheater solution: RIC–ask wife to get remarried on our 30th anniversary in central park(a major expensive trip from where we live). Because hey she supports me financially. Keep amusing her every which way for 4 years, stop working and steal 400k of family money to pay my way including sluts. What fun!

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

NewLady, take the financial stuff out but mine suggested we re-marry in an exotic location somewhere and start a new life. Get all the guests that attended our wedding 13 years ago, also in an exotic trip, and splurge on this big party. Have the new wedding bands now (because I refused to wear mine after DDay) tatooed on our fingers. He came up with the theme and then gave me a project to research various designs. And I did. Just give me a project, cheater, and I will go heads on into it while it gives you time to breath a little bit.

Sigh…I am glad we did not get there. I caught him again before we even started the planning. But boy, I was so excited that he came into his senses and is now a family man!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Newlady, I’m sorry that selfish bastard used image management to bleed you dry. You are sooooo better off without him!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

You bet I am! I am building my new cheater free life and it is sooooo much better without him!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Abusing –gah! Autocorrect!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago

Problem: Life does not deliver unending bliss and uninterrupted joy.

Normal Person Solution: Of course it doesn’t, but facing challenges and savoring joys makes for a good life.

Cheater Solution: My every desire needs immediate satisfaction, thus porn, strippers, affairs, stuff.

outofashes
outofashes
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

I think this one much sums up all of our relationships with our cheaters 😀

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yup x1000 But “adulting” is too hard for cheaters!

Newchump89
Newchump89
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

This exactly sums it up for me!

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

This! Well said Cashmere.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Wow, described X asshole to a T. Funny, because I seem to also be having existential troubles figuring out who I was, what I wanted to do, etc., and never once did I cheat. Oh, but I was the negative/pessimist/unhappy person. Hm. I guess all I needed was a hooker.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Oh, and a new SO immediately post(?)-divorce. XD

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

It in their case before they even leave the marriage

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Cashmere: In your problem set, you forgot to mention “…takes work and requires compromise.”

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Yes. This x10000

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Ding ding ding ding!!!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

And we have a winner.

catharsis2017
catharsis2017
6 years ago

Problem: Since the chump-induced marriage counselling did not lead anywhere, we need to get this divorce done.
Adult solution: file for divorce, sort out finances, separate.
Cheater solution: do fuck all.

Mim
Mim
6 years ago

Problem: Loving husband working away for long periods of time for work.

Adult solutions: phone, Skype, move and follow loving husband to new city/state/country. Trust. Need to say it again. Trust.

Cheater solution:brothels, hot dates, girlfriends. Yeehawww!

Post hoc: Get caught by bank records, lie, gaslight. Look like a full-on dickhead.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mim

Add to the cheater solution here: gaslight the poor chump and make her believe that she is the jealous, insecure, inconfident one. He is away for work to PUT BREAD ON THE TABLE, and it’s hard, you chump. What do you know by being in your home comfortably and enjoying child-rearing. I have to be away and work, work, work (fuck, fuck, fuck).

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

These fuck heads gaslight the hell out of us especially after they get caught. The abuse seems to ramp up- yes! I was also told I was insecure, jealous and had issues

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

Mine told me I had “been sitting in my ass” for 15 years.

Hmmm.
1) Full home remodel.
2) Raise child alone during week.
3) Trek back and forth to mountains every weekend in the winter so ex can ski. (That means packing the fridge every week, ski, dinners, pack fridge again. Repeat every Friday and Sunday.)
4) Volunteer at school
5) Conceive, research and write business plan (so I can generate income from home without affecting his lifestyle.). Get ZERO support except critism for doing it differently than he would.
6) Conceive, research and write second business plan (same support as above.)
7) DD#1, followed by MC where he continues to gaslight.
8) Take daughter to Europe for 6 months for educational travel and online school. (Of course, now he has complete freedom with new AP.)

Yes, I’ve been sitting in my ass, raising a beautiful daughter while you travel for business while you fuck you AP of the day/week/month.

Oh, and did I tell you just how exciting it is to be home? How happy I am to have given up my career so you could be successful?

Fuck you!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Giddy, I also sacrificed my career so X could advance in his or as he would say “our career.”
X was able to commute to where we were living since his job at the time was 2 weeks on 2 weeks off but he didn’t want to be alone. What was I thinking?
We moved far from my family with our then one-year-old to a duplex in the middle of no where. Twenty minutes the nearest store, which by the way was a feed store.
In contrast, X traveling all over the world, usually tropical, sleeping in 5 star hotels.
I was home with our baby, snowed in, power outages, little income and an undependable car.
I lived in sweats, colored my own hair to save money, never colored my own hair before and it turned jet black (I’m blonde). Kept my chin up encouraged X to hang in there when he had setbacks, entertained his family when they came to visit. I lived like this for years, trusting that eventually these sacrifices would someday pay off.
I’ve never been in such distress financially. X knew how much I valued having financial security and medical insurance. I have neither.
My friends who I went to college with, are now retired and living a comfortable secure existence I struggle.

I fucking hate him and what he’s done to my life and our son’s life.
X is an arrogant, condescending pathological liar, without a conscious nor regard for anyone other than himself.

I’ll never know how he and people like him live with themselves yet they do.
X certainly does and appears to be doing very well.

onthehill
onthehill
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit, I could have written your post.

I started my life over a few years ago – in my mid 50s.

We had a small company for many years, which he ran it into the ground. Several times when I saw the handwriting on the wall – and urged him to find employment – there were always excuses why not … “I’m too old”, “I don’t like that company”, etc., etc. …..including insisting that I call his potential employers about work because he was “too busy” to do so himself.

We had no health insurance for years. Then, I found out he was writing checks to the one person who worked for us to cover HIS health insurance bills! OMG I was FURIOUS.

When I decided to look for work?? In a rage – he would accuse me of “abandoning” him. And if I decided to work from home? Whatever I did was “shit”. Well guess who would come a-calling if he was out of money??

This guy ruined our lives financially, and I will ALWAYS regret leaving my job to join him in that business.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

🙁

Another teaching moment for our kids- no NOT give up your career. Go PT, go flex or stay FT. If your partner is truly a partner, any of the above solutions will work. Someone who complains or is unsupportive in actions, words mean nothing, it’s time to move on and away from that clown.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

I am so sorry that so many chumps gave up their careers for their cheating shits.

It does validate my decision to not do that when ex wanted me to. I am so glad I didn’t because my marriage would have ended the same way anyway. The compromise was that I went down to 32/wk so I could have an extra day every week to give the family. I was also the one who always took kids to doctor’s visits, went to daytime school events etc. I put his career and family first and basically just held my place (and gained experience) in my work. Eventually ex was happy I had a career when he wanted to leave his job to be a SAHD and simultaneously work on a career change. It wasn’t long before he started complaining, however, that I wasn’t making enough money and I should be farther along in my career after having worked for so many years. What a jerk. At least I am far enough along to have kept my place and I am advancing now that I work 40+ hours a week. Thank God I don’t have to be fully dependent on him financially.

It is a good thing that the kids are older, however, as I am now the primary parent again what with ex’s new job, his no longer living with us, and Schmoopie being priority. Yes he still comes around and gives the kids some attention, but it isn’t the same.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago

Chumpinrecovery, you said “he started complaining, however, that I wasn’t making enough money.” Oh yeah, been there, done that!

I financially subsidized The Python for years (not to mention I bought him 2 – count ’em 2 – cars; both used, but not very). I had been at the same job for almost 25 years and things started going bad there. I wouldn’t have risked my job by speaking up on behalf of myself and the other employees if I didn’t think he’d be happy to support me and repay some of the tens of thousands of dollars I’d shelled out for him for years . I didn’t get fired, but management made things so miserable for me I quit.

Problem: wife needs his financial support for a change.

Adult solution: Decide together reasonable ways to cut costs and be supportive to wife as she looks for a full time job. Wouldn’t hurt to mention that she shouldn’t feel bad because this is a chance to reciprocate after all the money that went the other way.

Cheater solution: Buy additional expensive toys; convince wife to use her savings to buy one toy for $2500 because his credit cards are maxed. Berate wife for not getting a full time job right away (part time didn’t cut it), for leaving the lights on when leaving a room (because it wastes a few pennies a month), ask her to save and show him grocery receipts, and turn into a grumpy a-hole. Oh, yeah, and have an affair.

Chumped but good
Chumped but good
6 years ago

They complain when you make more than then also and cheat because they are emasculated and you end up apologizing for being successful. Can’t win.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Problem: Cheater believes wife doesn’t make enough money.
Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

Problem: Families are expensive and cheater feels burdened by having to work. At all.
Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

Problem: Kids take time and need attention. Cheater feels neglected.
Adult Solution: Open your mouth and tell your wife of this frustration.
Cheater Solution: View porn after wife goes to bed and at work. Also, find another OW.

Cheater Problem: Get busted … 20+ years of lies, porn, and cheating.
Adult Solution: Own it. Then leave peacefully when your wife tells you it’s over.
Cheater Solution: Lie. Lie. Lie. Blame Wife. Lie. Lie. Lie. Call your wife a whore. Lie. Lie. Lie. Come unhinged. (Wife gets a restraining order against you — after that clears you only get supervised visits with your youngest child while the older two refuse to speak with you.)
Bonus Cheater Solution: After all of this, pretend to the world that YOU are the victim who was “kicked out” by your cruel wife — for no reason at all.

chumpsterlinzz
chumpsterlinzz
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Ding, ding, Agree on the winner.

Newchump89
Newchump89
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

This x100000!!!! ????????????????

Aletheia
Aletheia
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I think I know that cheater!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Open your mouth FTW. Cheater X’s family never spoke of negative feelings (anger, sadness, etc.) and so perhaps he was not “able”…but then again, he didn’t like what he grew up with so…OPEN YOUR DAMN MOUTH. So yeah, I don’t know what’s wrong, he continues dragging us both down a bad path (without my knowing it’s happening), and a marriage (and family, with the adoption of our dog and birth of our daughter) is irreparably ruined. Just like his narc-o dad, who, with painfully passive mother, has been doing whatever he wants to “cope” with his own unaddressed issues from childhood. But they’re still married because that dynamic “works”. *shudder* Definitely don’t ignore FOO, even when cheater professes to not like them/not want to be like them. Ugh.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

OMG, @ChumpOnIt, I so wish I’d heard your words of wisdom before I married The Python!! You said:

“Definitely don’t ignore FOO, even when cheater professes to not like them/not want to be like them.”

Cheater had nothing but disdain for both parents. From his accounts plus those of siblings (I know now to doubt everything he says and get verification), I figured his mother was most likely BPD, but didn’t realize his father had a personality disorder too until I read more about NPD.

Mother not only beat but threw things at kids, lied a LOT, and threatened as well as attempted suicide. Father spent most of his spare time going to honky tonks all over the south and midwest to play his country music, convinced he would be the next country superstar. (Narc much?)

There is a family rumor that a couple of siblings born before the parents’ divorce – they have Dad’s last name – were not really fathered by Dad.

All The Python’s sibs (full, half, and step, total = 10) had drug or alcohol problems (some, fortunately, sober now). He rarely drinks so I used to marvel that he had avoided being damaged like all the sibs. Ha! Dopey me – dopey and duped.

I was blind to his chronic overspending – mostly on toys for himself. He never wanted to get in touch with his Army buddies and I thought it was PTSD “avoidance” – but it was more likely because he made up heroic military exploits that never happened and he didn’t want his lies exposed.

The lying cheater a-hole is probably the MOST damaged of all the offspring.

Laughing Gator
Laughing Gator
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

My Ex and her brother were badly abused by their father and step mother. When I met them they were in their early 20s, hated them both and wanted to be the opposite of them. Flash forward 20+ years and they both slowly became carbon copies of the people they hated and are now even close to their abusers. They also gaslight and totally have rewritten history and claim that none of the abuse ever happened.

Sadly, I was warned before I married the ex that this might happen but I was young and dumb and didn’t listen. FYI per therapist friends of mine, this USUALLY happens.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

X said he had a “nice” conversation with his narc-o father after I told him I wanted a divorce and we were separated but still living in the same house. These were the same people who didn’t have very much to say in response to the whole thing from the start (all his mom had to say was “did you get checked (for STDs)?”). And the same father that would inevitably talk on and on about whatever minute thing he was doing and never ask how someone else was. “Nice” conversation. Right. I’m sure all of that progress he was making in counseling figuring out what happened in his (apparently) screwed up childhood is becoming gaslit as we speak.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Laughing Gator

Both CheaterX and his cheater brother were sons of a cheating father. Apparently there is at least one study that indicates that men whose fathers cheat (and whose parents didn’t divorce–so no negative consequences to cheating evident) are likely to be cheaters themselves.

Sunshine
Sunshine
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

Jeez. My son’s father and grandfather are cheaters. But both of them got kicked out and divorced by their wives so maybe there’s still hope for him.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunshine

Same here, Sunshine!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

My STBX is a coward and a bully. He abhors disagreement and honest confrontation. Though, he certainly relished “punishing” me behind my back for the stuff he refused to tell me about.

The only times he opened his mouth about his marital frustrations were during his rages — sometimes years after the event that frustrated him. He would say it with pure vitriol (no intent to communicate, discuss, fix, etc.). As if the offense should have been obvious. Whatever it took to sink in the fangs and cause me to doubt myself.

STBX has FOO issues too — but so do I. Hell, I have more than he does! But, I don’t use my FOO issues as an excuse to hurt others like he does. Where I think “I know how much that hurts, I could never do that to someone else …” HE thinks “Yep, hurt like hell … now I want to cause the same pain for someone else.” His perspective makes me physically ill.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yeah…I know a lot of chumps on here do have FOO stuff too. Definitely not saying it only leads one place (why I thought cheater X was better than that — he seemed so aware and against what he grew up with), but cheaters obviously don’t put the two and two together to really make a change for themselves, they just continue to destructively self-medicate. Not an excuse at all, just a flag, especially when you start noticing certain behaviors. I’m sorry you had worse FOO issues than your asshat ex, JesssMom (and I’ve read your stories here and cringe over your dad — I’m so sorry you had to experience that growing up), but you are clearly the bigger person in all of this and I’m glad you’re on a much better path now.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Thanks, ChumpOnIt. (((Hugs)))

I do agree about the FOO issues being a flag. If the basic drive to at least try to be better than what happened to them isn’t there, then they will almost inevitably end up causing just as much damage to their loved ones. It pisses me off … but it makes me sad too. So much damage … so many innocent lives harmed … for nothing.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Agreed. And with such a clear example of what NOT to do too. At the very least, the kids shouldn’t have to deal with that throughout the rest of their lives with the now higher probability of it happening again (either who they become or who they choose as their partner). So awful that a parent could place this rot anywhere near their children.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

I used to believe he was not able to open his mouth too. His father is a walking shit, full narc, mom can’t deal with frustration so she throws tantrums when things don’t go her way. He belongs to a very toxic family (most males are cheaters, some batterers; I didn’t know this was important). But then I realized he doesn’t have any trouble communicating in his work, for example. So it’s not that he can’t: he just _doesn’t want_ to.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

True..he keeps up a good face at work. So yeah, probably just bushed from managing his public image.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

I agree, Gato. They are fully capable of communicating — but choose not to.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

They are lazy bastards and can’t be bothered communicating with their bitchy wives who just don’t get them. Easier and more fun to spill their little hearts to Schmoopie so she’ll soothe his poor ego with a nice blow job! Poor whittle boy!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Ding ding ding ding! Yep.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago

Problem: My Wife has purchased a red microwave for 27 dollars at WalMart. She is asking if that is okay, and if we can get rid of the 27 dollar black microwave I brought to the cohabitation situation and is now crusted with food. I don’t like red. She didn’t ask me if I like red. Together, we make six figures, 70 percent is hers, and that bothers me. Not enough to bring it up, or stop enjoying kickass hobbies, lunch out every single day, my brand new car I got from my DTI paying not a penny of rent for two years, and vacations on her sweaty back, or the fact that I don’t like red microwaves. Or my half hour daily commute since moving to her home. Or her talking about buying a home together. Sweaty backed Bitch.

Adult Solution: Speak Up. Show a few photos of decorated kitchens I like. Admit to myself and God that I’m not as all in on this family as she is. Say I Don’t Instead of I Do. Maybe stop gleefully burning her money while I’m at it. Use the 7K we have in the Bank to move out instead of a trip to Disney where I act like a complete Jackass and lie to the wife’s face.

Cheater Solution: Hold On. I’m finna put a baby in This Stranger I barely know. But we’ve texted in every public toilet in Disney World. Then I’m gonna borrow several thousand pounds from my 83 year old Dad I can also barely stand with a Flying Monkey Story about how bad my marriage is. I’ll leave out the part about Stranger Baby. I’ll find I can’t really stand The Sluterus either. I’ll move in with a Third Lady. She’ll carry me on her Sweaty Back for Three Years whilst I fight The Sluterus over visitation and Child Support and whether the Sluterus really likes Ladies, Men, or just lying to everyone most of all. I will find Third Lady is tiresome and unwilling to fight with Sluterus as enthusiastically as I require my hypoteni. I will have forgotten entirely about my older daughter and stepdaughter by this time. I feel young again!

I will reunite with The Sluterus just so I can decide where my paycheck goes and avoid paying Child Support from my Pensioners check. We’ll make well under six figures. Her teeth will remain too fucked up to photograph.

But there will be NO RED MICROWAVE.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

LOL. Cheater wouldn’t like certain things I picked out around the house, but couldn’t ever express why or suggest things that he liked (I always asked!). Later I figured out it was because he has no style of his own. They’re unhappy leeches.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Yes! His style is barren airport apartment I just rented because permanence bores me. His aesthetic is ‘Peep These UHaul Boxes I Moved All By Myself Because Nobody Supports My Poor Choices.’

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

My ex apparently felt I squashed his decorating preferences too. He usually left that kind of thing up to me. He even commented that he’d never have thought to choose some of the things I did, but was surprised how nice they looked after the room was put together.

After we divorced, my kids told me his new house looks like a rodeo cowboy museum. My youngest commented that he can’t believe a grown man has the things his dad has in his house. LOL.

Apparently my ex and Schmoopie really got into discussions on home decorating. He never seemed interested when he was married to me.

Chumped but good
Chumped but good
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

My X’s decorating style was whatever his mother likes. Red flag anyone? Now I decorate however I want ????

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

My
ex’s style was barren, hard surfaced, cold, and almost empty—like the inside of his chest where a human heart SHOULD be.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

It’s why I call the ex Cold Slab O’Meat. Also he weighs 320 lbs. Also he was ‘allergic’ to vegetables.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I feel like the red microwave should become a meme.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

The Red Microwave of Discontent! It remains sparkling clean and in service for a few more weeks, till my kitchen is remodeled and a new over the range one goes it. Still have all red things. Even the ice cream scooper is red!

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Right on Luziana! I have a red kitchen too!

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Let’s see if this works:

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

That’s hilarious, Luziana!

Of course the red microwave made him do it!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Beautiful microwave. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oFEX9EVmnZA
Maybe you could have microwaved his…

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Yes! HA! Thank you for this. Needed a laugh so badly today!

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

????????????????

This totally made my day.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Exactly, this. Well done.

Sausalito
Sausalito
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Hilarious!! You’re very talented!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

LOL!! Thank you! I really needed that laugh. 🙂

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

The red basket is what drove him to the brink, Luz.

You’re welcome for that tidbit that I’m sure you didn’t realize.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

I probably bought the wrong bread too. Sluterus buys the best bread. Tremendous! She buys only the most Cheerful Slices of Bread!

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

It’s good you are seeing your responsibility in the breakdown…

/s

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

hahahaha! This is freakin’ hilarious!

Also, your idiot ex is a real piece of work.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

this is funny!!!!!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Hahahahaha … Luziana, thank you for that laugh! It was needed this morning. 🙂

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I’ve always loved this story, but the meme makes it gold. lololol

outoftheblue
outoftheblue
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

that is brilliant!

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Lmfao!! Too funny!

kmanning
kmanning
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Yes! Or @Luziana could change her avatar pic on CL for today.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Well, red microwaves can’t warm food properly, dontchyaknow. 😉

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Problem: Cheater wants multiple sex partners but also wants monogamous partner, a.k.a. chump.

Adult solution: There is no adult solution to that kind of narcissistic entitlement. The only reasonable adult scenario is for cheater to transparently state what s/he wants so chump can make informed choices, but cheater can’t get kibbles that way.

Cheater solution: Lie, deceive, gaslight, and in all other ways behave manipulatively to keep chump confused and relationship-engaged and affair partners on the hook so/he can have all the things s/he wants no matter who gets hurt.

Result: Cheater caught (the truth almost always comes out eventually) and tossed out on his/her ass, chump healed (healing always comes around when the cheater poison is extracted) and moved on. 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

To be clear, I don’t mean to suggest that adult solutions don’t exist. I mean that a person who lives with that staggering level of narcissistic entitlement running through his/her veins will never be willing to consider the adult options. It takes a real douchebag to think it at all feasible to agree to monogamy then secretly cheat. That person is not playing with a healthy full deck in the first place.

longtimechump
longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, If the cheater was ok with having one stable partner (chump) who was also allowed to have multiple partners, and if that chump was ok with the arrangement, that could have been another adult solution. But this requires certain negotiations from the outset.

Mine told me recently “What can I do? Women flock to me! I am attractive!”, to which I said go enjoy your women, I am not one of them anymore.

Then he said, “But it’s not about sex only, I am a curious human being, I like discovering live, I like discovering and learning from new personalities! And sometimes you HAVE to do it through sex as people open up to you!” to which my reply was why wouldn’t you then discover men? they also have personalities, poor creatures, and they also open up during sex. Give them a chance.

Then he said, “All I want from you is to accept me unconditionally, the way I am.” to which I said “I have. Unconditionally. And I realize you go against all my values. So not interested anymore.”

Then he said, “Why can’t you be one of those wives that feel proud of their husbands when they are surrounded by women? Doesn’t that make me more sexually attractive to you?” – Uuuuuuuummmm, no! sexually disgusting.

Then he said, “There is this woman on facebook, she found a second wife for her husband when he asked. Why can’t you be one of those?” – Well, the difference between you, the cheater, and her husband, is that he came clean to her and asked for that favour (Still can’t believe things like this happen in the middle east, but they do, and it’s not part of my and my cheater’s culture, he just happens to live there), while you chose to lie and gaslight me making me believe I was the only one. “But if I said it to you, you would have disagreed!” – Correct. I would have. There is no polyamory in my language and values. I don’t judge others who want it and agree on it from the outset, but you knew I would not and you still wanted to pursue it. Buh-bye…..

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  longtimechump

longtimechump, send your cheater to Esther Perel — she can use him in her next book!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Yeah, I thought about it: Esther Perel interviewing LTC’s ex. They engage in the rhethoric only the two of them can understand but the audience is mesmerised with their dialogue peppered by new age-y terms. What a shit story.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

You give me hope today, Amiisfree. Cheater explained everything as low self esteem because he didn’t fuck many women as a manly male should do. That way he could pin it on me, I didn’t make him feel the latin lover he feels he is. But the truth is that he wanted multiple sex partners and me at home taking care of the rest. It hurts so much these days, but your result will take me to tomorrow.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

EXACTLY what I heard, Gato. Boggles the mind and same with wanting multiple sex partners while I waited patiently at home for my turn.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Gato

My STBX tried the whole “I feel bad about myself” routine with me. It worked for a while — until the little light-bulbs started firing off in my head:

1. Bad self-esteem doesn’t make a person lie to, gaslight, and verbally abuse ONE specific person (the spouse).
2. Bad self-esteem doesn’t make a person risk his or her spouse’s life with STD’s.
3. Sex with random people does not fix bad self-esteem.
Rather, BAD CHARACTER causes these actions.

I’m 100% certain of the above — because my STBX utterly destroyed my self-esteem in so many ways, for so long. Yet, I did none of those things. Not one. People with bad self-esteem still have agency.

These revelations helped me (finally) to hold him accountable for his very conscious decisions.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I guess for me the light came after I explained to him, and apologized, for my responsibility in not making him desired. There was a problem there and as any sane and sensible person would do, I explained what happened, warts and all, and apologized.

The asshole replied my letter (we were in opposite sides of the US by then, only talking by email) saying that he wanted so much to have another day to have sex with me, and make me love my body the way he loved it. I was “uh?”. Didn’t you tell me you felt a terrible lover because of me? And are you really saying that in just one night you are going to take me to the 7th heaven, when you could not do it in 16 years, when I loved and worshiped you? Only then I saw the lie. He never felt any of that. It was the excuse he got from his incompetent or red pill IC, I don’t know which one.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amilsfree, I guess I think there are adult solutions to wanting multiple sex partners.

Stop viewing porn.

Add in several neglected aspects of life, take your pick: an art or music is one; sport or exercise another; improve your work skills; make effort in your marriage; improve your relationships with your parents and siblings; hang out with same-sex friends (must be decent people); find a mentor who is a person of integrity.

It’s a process, just adding in slowly one of the above might be enough to reduce the urge to self-destruct your life.

Take time everyday to strengthen a spiritual life. (Did you know that Jerry Seinfeld meditates twice a day?)

How do the Hindus view excess of sexual desire? My understanding is they call sexual desire “Kundalini” (wd?) and visualize themselves pulling this energy up and away from the sexual organs to be used in the higher chakras for energy in higher uses such as the heart, the voice, the mind, etc. Use that power to create instead of fuck-up your life.

I inadvertently witnessed an incident between a husband (a man of integrity, I know him) and a sexy low-morals woman. She verbally made a come-on and moved in to hug him. He reached out his arm, patted her on the back, keeping his distance, and said, “My wife told me to tell you hello.” Keeping sluts at bay is possible, you married men out there.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

This is so sad. You said everything that I said to my STBX when he wanted me to become polyamory so he could have his cake and eat her, too. Or other men, still not sure about that. Always the problem solver, I suggested all of that to make him “happy” but his answer was to stop being so controlling and he needed to be alone to find his BLISS. Now he’s causing much damage in the divorce and has stayed in the role of monster. No sign of the loving man I thought he was. Those FOO issues erupted after 26 years and he’s so self destructive. I had to jump off the sinking ship.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

BeowulfSabrina, I guess I think all of his dirty behavior created a whole new rotten level of problems that really dwarf any influence the foo issues could have provided.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Queen Mother, you are so correct. After threatening to punch my lawyer (wish he had so he’d end up in jail) he sent me a big sheet of paper with one tiny word on it, “sad”, which I suppose was supposed to make me feel sorry for him, but not this time. His FOO issues didn’t make him cheat and then try to take $$ from me in a continual rage. I’m sorry for all of us chumps who loved and were tricked into thinking that love could make it all better.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago
Reply to  BeowulfSabrina

The “sad” paper made me snort!

Felicity
Felicity
6 years ago

PROBLEM: sex life has dwindled to almost non existent
ADULT SOLUTION: wife tries to instigate but gets ‘I’m tired but tomorrow I promise’ line. Wife asks if everything is ok. He says I’m just not in the mood lately it’s not you honey it’s me I’m just tired and stressed
TRUTH: screwing the waitress at work

PROBLEM: Living from payday to payday no money concerns but no future dreams or goals have ever been talked about so the living day to day living continues because …there’s no long term joint plan or even dreams.
ADULT SOLUTION: Let’s sit down and do a budget together and let’s plan towards a goal we both want to work towards
CHEATER SOLITION: Avoid all talk about plans and budgets. Screw the waitress

Rennyroo
Rennyroo
6 years ago
Reply to  Felicity

Yes! What’s the deal with these guys not wanting to have sex with their wives because they feel guilty for cheating on their “girlfriends”?!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

I feel like the red microwave should become a meme.

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago

Problem: I have a piece of shit “classic” car that I’ve been dragging around for half my life, across the country and taking up space in my family’s garage for years. I pull it apart in the middle of the summer, hauling the guts to the basement and pretending I’m going to be working on in said garage for the next 15 years of my life. Then I decide to blow up my life, get kicked out of my house and start spending cash like I’m on a gameshow where the object is to have actual moths fly out of my wallet. I need to move the car out of the house before it’s sold, but I’m bleeding money every month! I owe my STBX thousands in child support that she agreed to wait for until the house sold, WHAT DO I DO!!

Adult Solution: Sell the car. Put the parts in boxes. Move the boxes. Put the car back together with the pieces it had in it for the last decade. Definitely DON’T buy new car parts.

Cheater Solution: Buy new car parts. Borrow money from Daddy-Cheater-Pants. Leave car parts all over the garage, scattered amongst open Amazon boxes as evidence so that STBX will see them, become furious and want to rip of your balls. Get confronted about the thousands of dollars of unnecessary spending. Call STBX mean for taking the parts as collateral. Threaten to call the cops. Act like the piece of shit car is worth more than a marriage, family, stability, a child, a dog and a partridge in a pear tree.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

Problem: (Cheater’s point of view) Wife of 14 years (together 19) has caught me cheating twice but has decided to forgive me and work on our marriage. But….I want both wife and mistress…Hmmm…

Adult Solution: That’s not right or fair. I have a ten year old in the mix. I must make a decision. I can’t keep playing God with people’s lives.

Cheater Solution: Wait, I know…I’m an IT guy. Let me just create a new email account…a new facebook account and yahlah…I can continue to be with my soulmate and stupid wife won’t ever know! Am I a genius or what?

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Cheater Woody is a computer science engineer too, and a whiz at all programming things, but got caught when his Google Hangouts chats synched to one of his many devices without his realizing it. I found it in a little box inside a little box at the end of his apps icons. I think there was some kind of update that went on and added a new “thing.” Thank goodness for progress!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Ugh, my cheater X is an IT guy too. Used it to cover much more than he disclosed to me, I’m sure.

nowewontbefriends
nowewontbefriends
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

That worked great for my cheater except he wasn’t smart enough to figure out that linking it to the main email account for password retrieval would come back to bite him and be how he was caught.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
6 years ago

Problem: My minister father left my mother for her best friend/choir lady when I was 16 years old. There was too much mayhem for anyone to prioritize me getting my license before punting me out into the world, even though I came from a remote area where cars were necessary. My parents let me drive without a license. I based college location and subsequent moves on not needing a car. I do not have a license but no one knows I don’t have a license. I now live in a place where a car is necessary most of the time.

Adult Solution: Tell people your parents never taught you to drive and moved from an island that didn’t require a vehicle. You had a bicycle, like everyone else. Your co-workers and friends are surprised but gladly help you. Take your permit test, practice, take your driving test. ($150 cost and a month, at most, from start to finish.)

Cheater Solution: Don’t tell anyone you don’t have a license. Move close to work and say you enjoy the fresh air of the walk and don’t have a car because you used to live on an island. When someone asks you to be the DD, you gladly take the opportunity to practice driving… because who is a drunk person to accurately remember how poorly you drive, at first? Build up driving skills and continue the farce with your girlfriend too. Then she becomes your fiance. Then she buys a new car so you can have her old one and takes that opportunity to put you on her insurance. You give her number off the out-of-state ID card (that looks like a license) and she yells at you to get a license in this state; it’s been 2 years that you’ve lived here, after all. She ::GULP:: takes you to the DMV and you come back from the counter, lying that your current state doesn’t have reciprocity with your old state and you need to start from scratch. You take the permit test. She schedules the driving test and drops you off for it… but you never take it, chill with OW instead, and tell her you passed, of course. Four years later, the large, international insurance company calls with fury, marveling that their system has *just now* realized that you don’t have a license… because they received notification from the state that your permit was about to expire. You rush out and take the test, getting the OW to bring you, and LUCKY FOR YOU, there is no penalty by insurance for such fuckup-ery. They’ve never encountered such a thing and have no procotol for retroactive sub-licensure. Your wife, unfortunately, gets an email about it and loses her shit. She is SO mad that you’ve been driving around without a license, risking your car being impounded every time you were pulled over (but got out of the ticket before it was even issued; you really are very smooth), and the ENORMOUS fines it would have been if you’d been caught.

Proceed to amp up affair by telling OW how beaten down and emasculated you feel with your wife. You were SCARED to tell her the truth.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Ha, ha, ha, emasculated. They all say that when they behave like whinging 13 year olds.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

The entitlement is high with that one. Jeez, even 15 year olds can get permits that turn into licenses.

Chompingchumo
Chompingchumo
6 years ago

Wow, that one takes the cake! It illustrates the peculiar insanities of cheater mindsets.

DeAun
DeAun
6 years ago

Adult problem: I discover my husband’s affair. We go to reconciliation counseling, husband swears to devote life to me. Says he will spend the rest of his life proving that I can trust him. Cries that I mean more to him than anything.

Cheater Solution: Continue to call and text Schmoopie everyday, BUT get very smart and diligent at hiding and deleting all calls and texts.

PROBLEM SOLVED!!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

How familiar that one sounds!

Cheater Problem: I’m getting older and I’m no longer King of the Hill in my profession and the younger folks are getting more attention.

Adult Solution: Recognize that aging is part of life. Decide to mentor the many people who need help getting started in the profession. Decide to spend time with your wife and family, who have sacrificed so that you can achieve your professional success.

Chapter Solution: Start fucking a woman with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Introduce her to all your professional peers. Bring her to your home. Look the other way when she begins stalking your wife and kids. Get caught with her in such a way that everything you have ever worked to achieve is blown to smithereens. Continue to see her, despite repeated assurances that she is out of the picture. Act shocked when your wife divorces you and blame it all on her inability to “forgive” you.

Riley
Riley
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

OMG what is wrong with these people?

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago

Cheater problem: I didn’t feel accepted at home (whatever the hell that means) because you were too busy taking care of your health and I needed validation

Cheater solution: *Saying* that I seeked validation from my guy friends at work, I *say* that I started doing what they were doing, which was gallivanting on female coworkers Facebook pages (the friends actually were not, in case you were wondering) and oh, when I *say* they dared me to go out when a coworker who was making googly eyes at me, for fear of being rejected by them (they knew he had a long-term, live-in girlfriend), I had to pursue her and go out with her. Oh, and in order to do that of course I needed to pretend I was single. (And remember chump, this has nothing to do with the other coworkers I was linked to previously, this is a different scenario.)

Sane person solution: Speak up and discuss thing with your partner when you feel th- oh wait, there is actually no sane solution because the problem itself is made up!! CAKE!!

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
6 years ago

Problem: he is becoming increasingly disabled due to disease and he didn’t earn as much as he hoped selling his Silicon Valley company.
Adult solution: Appreciate his actual accomplishments, which are still considerable. Plan financially for future disability expenses for himself and his kids future. Get a job he can do. Spend time with family doing the things he’s always wanted to do while he still can. Eventually apply for disability.
Cheater solution: Lie blatantly about how much money he earned selling his company. Bolster lies by spending money that we can’t afford on cars and electronics. Claim he is getting better due to snake oil miracle cure and refuse real treatment. . Refuse to apply for disability for years until he no longer qualifies while also not working. Claim he can make unlimited amounts of money in the stock market with no risk. Ask me to quit my job to spend more time with him though it’s thing keeping us afloat financially. Claim I don’t love him because I refuse to quit my job. Cheat the entire time with the help we hire for his disability, give me an STD and run off.

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

And the crazy thing is — I also became disabled during this time period — I was in a wheelchair for several years and I also thought I had no hope of recovery. So it’s not like I didn’t understand what he was going through. Except I chose the adult solution. And then I found a cure that got me walking again.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Chompingchump

He’s a special kind of sh#t chomping chump. I’m so glad you got better.

nowewontbefriends
nowewontbefriends
6 years ago

PROBLEM: Living paycheck to paycheck trying to pay down debt from his 18 months of unemployment.

ADULT SOLUTION: Review financials, budget, and work together.

CHEATER SOLUTION: Use his AmEx for all his “day to day expenses” so he isn’t part of the spending problem on the joint account —to the tune of $5-8K a month. AmEx is also the ONLY statement I have zero access too.

PROBLEM: His over priced “Ultimate Driving Machine” needs monthly repairs and guzzles gas at an unbelievable rate because he drives like a flaming type A asshole.

ADULT SOLUTION: Dump the sucker and find a more reliable vehicle that gets better gas mileage.

CHEATER SOLUTION: Refuse to trade in vehicle and take a one time hit on equity because you are upside down by about $2000 and instead
incur repairs and maintenance of over $5000 YTD because I’m sure image is everything to his skanks.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago

X opened up a checking account to supposedly deposit money into for hobbies, etc. as a result of sorting/selling his electronic doodads (IT guy). I didn’t have access to that, and why would I need it? It was essentially a short-term savings account. I accidentally received a paper statement saying he was withdrawing money from it while on business in Germany so he could go to titty bars with his co-workers AFTER he was supposedly making amends to me for the hooker use he confessed to me only a month or two prior. We trust, they abuse.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

The kicker is he really didn’t seem to understand why I was upset (I didn’t let him back in the house when he got home…he decided to sleep in his car toward the foot of the driveway and stew over it, angry at ME). I think we see in many of these “cheater solutions” that they don’t ever accept responsibility for the shitty choices they make.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

Problem: Cheater has an issue with gambling.

Adult solution: Realise that you have a problem as this isn’t the first time. Talk to wife about re starting and get some help.

Cheater solution: Lie again about re starting the gambling but take it further underground so wife doesn’t find out. Take out credit cards and pay pay loans to fund habit. Stop paying bills and then when questioned about it gas light wife and continue to lie. Make up elaborate lies about items that you have purchased. When wife questions these things confuse her by being loving and thoughtful one minute then condescending and withdrawing the next. Realise that wife is going to find out the lies so discard her and find a young replacement.

Problem: Cheater doesn’t feel wanted anymore after birth of 1st child.

Adult solution: Talk to wife about issues and realise that this is normal for families with small children.

Cheater solution: Not say anything for two years and then tell wife you have replaced her with a younger model because of this problem.

Oh yes I forgot part of the solution was also to get wife pregnant with 2nd child just before the discard but he didn’t feel wanted. Huh????

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

It feels like they try to make the life they’re ruining “stick” (or perhaps more nefariously trying to trap us into staying with their sorry asses). Confession of prostitute use came out a month before our daughter’s first birthday. Probably should have told me a little sooner there, buddy. Nope, let’s just keep this person tied to us as we see if the life we’re trying out works for us (never considering the other person — or people, if kids — involved).

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Exactly he didn’t think or more likely care about the fact that he wouldn’t have to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed, look after the child, potentially give up their career etc.
He put as much forward thought in having our children as he did the actually consequences of his actions. I also think it’s a way to insure that they can run off into the sunset with someone new and because you are dealing with the children and the affects of the discard it’s not likely you will find anyone knew anytime soon.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Totally agree with that last part. No matter how close to feeling meh I get, to think about this makes me simmering mad at him all over again. Of course I’m going to care for my child and try to continue this whole family thing on my own since he destroyed what we had together. But now with all of his free time he already has a girlfriend (probably in the works before the divorce was even final) to “cure” whatever ails him, and I’m caring for our daughter nearly full time and struggling with my loneliness for adult partnership/company at the end of the day.

YouCantMakeThisShitUp
YouCantMakeThisShitUp
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

I’m in the same boat, ladies. He “let me” move back to my hometown with our 4 month old while he’s off chasing schmoopie (who is about to give birth to their child) and report to his far away military duty station. I am grateful beyond words for my daughter but it’s impossible to raise her alone and begin any sort of dating life. He’s such a shit.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago

Problem: with the help of my incompetent and red pill therapist I’ve decided the problem is that I’ve fucked too few women (4), so my self esteem is nonexistent. We also decided that the real root of the problem is that my wife is to blame as the real root of the problem, because she did not make me feel like a great lover, even if I know she has several problems including been sexually abused in the past.

Decent adult solution: divorce my wife, for she can’t give me what I need or be multiple woman, and then fuck everything that open holes for me.

Cheater solution: – fuck his cousin-whore, a broken toy who is not only immoral, but that was also abandoned by his teenager son (probably because she is a horrible human being) and his last partner, ergo, she is easy to use without consequences.
– as he could not live a double life without being discovered, try to trick chump wife to stay while he “decides” who of the two he wants
– after chump wife leaves and tells him she never wants to see him again, and knows he is actively hunting holes to put his dick in and build his self confidence, refuse to answer any of her lawyer’s letters regarding the divorce.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

PROBLEM Husband doesn’t know how to communicate about uncomfortable feelings and avoids conflict, feeling injured by even the smallest of disagreements or differences of opinion. Wife becomes frustrated with his increasingly long silences and passive aggressive actions used to communicate what he won’t say. The more she attempts to communicate, the more sullen and resentful husband becomes. On the rare occasions when he does talk about his problems with the marriage, he gaslights, projects blame, and gunnysacks his wife with long lists of bottled-up resentments worded spitefully.

ADULT SOLUTION Counseling, self-help books, mutual effort.

CHEATER SOLUTION Lead a secret life of emotional affairs with troubled married women who make you feel good about yourself when you help them with their problems (especially their marital problems with asshole husbands). When that gets boring, find a damaged teenager who will adore you and never challenge you to be your soul mate and fuckbuddy. Preferably, make it your wife’s niece who is living in your home so you will have constant access and a plausible cover story for why you are so close. Also, this will get back at your wife for all the hurt she has caused you!

When your wife finds out, tell her you have been unhappy for the whole 13 years you were married. She knew you had trouble communicating but she is really good at communicating and should have been able to read between the lines to make you happy! You needed to turn to others for validation because she made you feel so bad about yourself and afraid to express your real feelings to her. She conditioned you to be dishonest with her, but now you will be in the best relationship of your life with sweet young Schmoopie.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

WTF? Your niece, who lives with you? How old was she? Can you say predator?

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Predator. Yep. I sent her home to my brother after I learned about the fucking. But a month after I left on my Road Trip to Meh, he moved her in with him to be his new primary source of supply. We all tried to tell her she’s being manipulated and preyed upon, but she won’t listen to anyone but him. They’re in twu wuv!

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Wow. Thank you. You described my soon-to-be-ex-husband perfectly in your statement of the problem, and although our details don’t match perfectly, mine is also passive aggressive, involved in a series of emotional affairs and infatuations, the longest lasting with a “troubled woman” who is an ex-student with daddy issues who convinced him that he’s transgendered. And I, too, got the “you are more in touch with my emotional state than I am so it’s your fault if you let me become distant and disconnected and I had to seek out emotional connection elsewhere,” at the same time he was writing public emails at work saying he’s feeling “so emotional” that he’s “crying” over the work of a younger colleague with whom he’s infatuated.
I’m sorry about your humiliation and discard for the niece, but you’re well rid of him!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Oh boy, I think I could do these all day long but most have the same cheater solution. Many of mine stem from the hate journal cheater gave me after I left and I hadn’t raleized they were problems.( cause they were really just excuses he came up with when he decided to leave with schmoopie.)

Problem: feelingit buys fresh produce and stbx finds it rotting in the fridge 3 weeks later so he has to throw it out.

Adult solution: realize that feelingit is raising and homeschooling 5 children who each participate in multiple activities. She makes a family dinner every night. We almost never eat out and only get take out or pizza on rare occasions. Understand that meal planning can be a challenge and sometimes produce goes bad. Accept you may have to throw some out. Be grateful for healthy meals. Maybe even help with meal prep and cleanup to show appreciation.

Cheater solution: accuse feelingit of being completely crazy and incompetent. Tell her she is a failure as a wife and mother. Tell her if she would just order her groceries online and not go to the grocery store so often, the produce wouldn’t rot. Leave feeling it, so now she has 100% care and keeping of shopping, cooking, cleaning…. Tell feelingit, your mom, lawyers, schmoopie how abused you were by crazy feelingit (After all, you had to throw out rotting produce)

Purple mountain
Purple mountain
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Wow you are me!. I homeschool 5 kids and have been known to throw out the odd punnet of toms. How criminal of us whilst we plan healthy food for our kids.

Stbx is exactly the same as yours too!.

We are mighty!.

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feeling it- mine had no kindness for me being human either. Leaving toothbrush angled the wrong way as an issue. But hey- his mom thinks he’s perfect and hates every single woman he has been with (has nothing nice to say- we are dumb idiotic bad responsible loving women with no def and education) but jail bird, IRS debt, divorcee son who mistreats women is perfect

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago
Reply to  crushedfifi

*women with no debt and a good education*

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

They just show how crazy they are don’t they?(((hugs))) feelingit

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Oh, yes this format is great!

I often wonder how his mother and schnoopie would feel if they read his horrifying hate journal. They would write it off somehow because they are under his spell but it is full of his evilness.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

This one is on my mind from journal today. He wrote about a night where feelingit came into the bedroom and complained about dreading a call she had to make to school dean of students the next day regarding son.

In the journal he writes. “ the bedroom is for Fucking and for sleeping not talking”.

I can hear schnoopie’s spackle now: That was just feelingit putting those evil thoughts in him. She abused him and made him say those awful things.

I, Schmoopie, however, am the Goddess of twinkies. I am so amazing and treat this poor abused man like the king he truly is so he would never say or think those things about me, the epitome of new and fresh.

We will forever have the most mind blowing sex imaginable and his majesty will love me until the end of time. I will be his queen. The bedroom will be reclaimed for lovemaking, joy, and meaningful conversation. All of our dreams will be sweet.

Foggy Days
Foggy Days
6 years ago

Problem : Cheater wants multiple sex partners, claims polygamy is a good system.

Adult solution : Talk to wife. When she offers an open marriage, as long as it is fair, assess and accept, or decide that monogamy is fine because you don’t want her to sleep with other people.

Cheater solution : Rage at wife for ‘wanting to sleep with other men ‘. Lie. A lot. Tell her you don’t want an open marriage. Keep a long term girlfriend in another state anyway because you travel for work all the time and she’ll never find out. Find multiple OW on Facebook to tide you over when you’re not traveling.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago

Problem: Wife wants to talk about something.

Adult solution: Use words to communicate thoughts in head.

Cheater solution: Silently stare, shrug, and mumble “I dunno” to frustrate wife until she gives up and problem goes away.

Which leads me to the observation of who differently cheaters and chumps identify what the problem IS. I thought lack of communication was a problem. He thought my expectation of communication was a problem. And therein lies a fundamental and irresolvable misalignment of character and values.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

In my case ex told me about a month before DDay that we weren’t communicating well and needed MC. He implied that I was equally responsible for this. I thought “great, we can fix some of the issues we have been having lately” (issues being that he was treating me like dirt). It turns out that he was the one who wasn’t communicating. He neglected to mention that he was fucking other women. I guess he was hoping the MC would help him figure out how to communicate that. Schmoopie’s husband communicated it before ex had a chance.

Jgirl
Jgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Very good point! They think communication is a problem because they do NOT want to share what’s inside their head or, even worse, have to think about what’s inside their head.
They don’t want consensus, so to them talking = fighting and they try to avoid it for their own well-being.

That’s no couple, that’s warfare.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Mine just never said what he really meant. Apparently “I can’t believe you are reading to the kids when there are dishes to be done” means “I am not getting enough attention (i.e. sex)”. Silly me thought it was about dishes being left in the sink for a couple of hours.

I guess he tried to communicate he just never did it very effectively.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Maybe someone could write an app for that.

Nah, the algorithm would be in a constant state of flux.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Perfectly sums it up!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Agreed, FreeVix. Cheater’s family never openly discussed problems, but I didn’t realize how impaired that made him at whole thing until we got deeper into the relationship, when more disagreements/issues naturally arise. If you can’t express it, how are other people supposed to know and/or help you solve an issue?

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

My ex’s family is that way. They are kind people but also very much of the put-on-a-brave-face-and-stuff-it-down variety.

Greenerpastures
Greenerpastures
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Couldn’t say it any better!

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpOnIt

Yes people who are dysfunctional never discuss issues. That’s why the dysfunction continues, because the issues are never talked about or addressed. That’s how my parents acted, they would get viciously angry whenever I tried to discuss issues or bring up a problem. They would aggressively shut me down, so the problems never got solved and we never moved forward, nor had peace as children. These people are sick individuals.

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

“I thought lack of communication was a problem. He thought my expectation of communication was a problem. And therein lies a fundamental and irresolvable misalignment of character and values.”

Free Vix this was my life for 21 years! Eventually, any time I attempted to communicate, it got turned into the “problem” the cheater had and I ended up apologizing and offering what I could do to fix the problem (super chumpy). Now I realize this was blame shifting, avoidance, gas lighting, and a serious deficit in the cheaters life skills.

Free Vix I wonder if this is a common cheater characteristic?

Foggy Days
Foggy Days
6 years ago

“Eventually, any time I attempted to communicate, it got turned into the “problem” the cheater had and I ended up apologizing and offering what I could do to fix the problem (super chumpy)”

This, for the entire relationship. Amazing how unoriginal these people really are, and how much better you feel when you don’t have to massage their fragile little egos!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Foggy Days

Yes me too. Whenever I went to him with a complaint about anything I ended up begin the one apologizing in the end. I stopped voicing my grievances because I didn’t want to offend him.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago

Notaddictedchump – No this is a common characteristic of people who have personality disorders. Their thinking is dysfunctional and they can never react normally or have a normal discussion with anyone. They see interactions as power plays and no other way. So when you are trying to discuss the issue, you are seeking a resolution, working towards mutual understanding. These disordered individuals see everything as a power play, of who is at fault. So if it’s a power play, it’s either they are at fault or you are, and since they don’t want to be at fault, then they blameshift and YOU are the problem. It never fails. They are wired differently than we are.

Notaddictedchump
Notaddictedchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia I appreciate you!!!! Your insight is very helpful. You are an inspiration to have gone through what you did with your parents and to emerge on the other side free and as your authentic self. In honor of the post earlier this week…I want what your having:)

The understanding that you bring regarding interactions with these dysfunctional people (that it comes down to a power play and balance of power) provided a lot of clarity for me today. It was very hard to see the power plays with Tweaker (STBX) bc he was so quiet, easy going, and passive. I don’t know if the drugs changed him or if the drugs just let the mask slip to reveal true character but I can see more and more evidence of the issues that don’t have a fucking thing to do with me and nothing I did or could do would change his choices. Thankfully, I’m learning to pay more attention to his actions and not his words (still a work in progress on my part).

Ironic that you use the word “power play” because that is what he accuses me of doing now with the kids. I told him I would never try to take the kids away from their father (regardless of what he did to me and to this day he never admits to cheating on me). But I found physical evidence of him doing meth and I asked for a hair follicle drug test (and the court saw fit to order him to take the test, he took it, and HE didn’t pass). Never mind that I had started suspecting a serious drug problem (months before he walked out on me) but I was lied to and gas lighted. Chumpy me wanted to trust my husband and I spackled and spackled! Now, I am accused of making a power play with the kids and I am accused of being a horrible parent, evil, and a vindictive bitch. This whole thing has taught me to trust my gut, not to trust a cheater, and not to ever fucking trust a drug addict! I guess these cheaters all have their own special combo of fuckedupness.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kelli’s, enlightening- it all stems back to control and power over.

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Exactly! Any time a person is dysfunctional, the interaction becomes one of gaining control and power over another. It’s never a mutual or reciprocal interaction, where it’s loving and kind. My parents were exactly like this with my father being a Narcissist, and my mother who is a Malignant Narcissist. Anytime I tried to communicate with my parents, they would argue me to death about normal things. I would tell them the sky is blue, and they’d both gang up on me and argue with me until exhaustion that the sky was pink with green lines. I lived through hell as a child, so I can relate as to your being married to a character disordered person. It makes my skin crawl…

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Oh and I was SO difficult to get along with and was told by my parents that I had such a nasty personality. All for wanting to explain normal things to disordered folk. Yeah, I sure was the problem… Eye roll.

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Yes!! My parents were exactly the same way. They would say I was nasty or had an attitude or was always difficult. Made me perfect prey for narc

Kellia
Kellia
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Aww what a sweet thing to say Feelingit. I cut off complete contact from my parents for 6 years and I did 3 years in intense therapy. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my entire life, as during that time, I wanted to end my life as I lived a completely isolated existence without any family around, but I finally emerged on the other side free and my authentic self, full of vitality. I am the family champion that broke the chains of abuse.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

You are amazing- how did you break the cycle?

I too, was always the one with the problem growing up so I guess it was easy for me to continue with that role with fuckwit.

Ever the pleaser, I catch myself trying to please my children at all costs sometimes. I will catch myself sometimes now that I am aware but it ain’t easy.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

YED, Yes and yes!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Plus, ayuh, uh-huh, yeppers, got that right!

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

*how differently, not who differently

notaddictedchump
notaddictedchump
6 years ago

Problem: Pregnant wife WANTS more sex. And wants to not feel so unattractive/unloved in the late stages of pregnancy.

Adult Solution: Talk to wife and support her during pregnancy. Be more attentive and affectionate (wife would have settled for this and not more sex).

Cheater Solution: Sleep with wife but then go watch porn in the kitchen in front of pregnant wife as pregnant wife is cleaning up house and walking through kitchen. Then Cheater goes out to the garage and does Meth (or god knows what else) and comes in and spends an hour in bathroom masturbating and comes to kiss pregnant wife later (cheater reeks of vanilla scented lotion).

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

Mine is more recent than D’day. I can say I have hit Meh. I am now watching his childish bullshit play out with our youngest. So here is just a sample of the most recent crazy making behaviour.

Dear youngest daughter ceased visiting her father back in June, no attempt by the Ex to rectify the issue legally, after having her big sister for a week and a half during school holidays Ex messaged DYD suggesting milkshakes to discuss any concerns she may have. She declined. Three months later Ex finally asked her what her concerns were, when she shared some surface issues that he could easily address, he did not even acknowledge what she had said in the moment, he instantly jumped to “would you consider going to a counsellor with me?” Knowing he does not believe in them she said yes. Ex jumped at the chance to triangulate in a third party to clean up his mess. DYD changed her mind on the Counselling when Ex could not tell her what he hoped they would get out of it, instead deflecting her question to me to answer because I have been studying for my degree in Counselling for the past three years. When I redirected her question back to him as I was not the “client” I was accused of passing the buck. Yes no matter how Meh you get you still have to manage the lack of insight they have, when co parenting.

So DYD turned 13 last week, a big thing seeing she had cancer in 2014, we were an hour away at a national football comp that we have gone to for the past 5 yrs, her brother was playing I was also managing a team. No call from Ex in the lead up to her birthday, no call during the day, at 4pm he just shows up and expected her to leave with him. Maybe go for dinner and a movie. She says no, her brother is about to play in his semi, then my team were in their final which her brother would also take the bench for. He doesn’t care his son is playing, he attempts to bully her, she needs to compromise, just because it is her birthday does not mean she can call all the shots. He agrees to stay for the first game, does not watch our son, only looks up from his phone to take photos or selfies. Once the first game is over we head to the official area for my teams final with Ex following, I am so Meh, he could have sat in our interchange to spend time with not just DYD but also both her siblings (the grown up thing to do), but no he then insisted that she leave with him. She stood her ground, though frustrated at his behaviour she politely states she is not going and why. He then physically steps up to her, she is not a big 13, but it was a deliberate attempt to intimidate. I then say (still calm, still Meh) there will be no fight over this she has made her decision. The childish behaviour continues from Ex because his response was to snap at me “I’m not fighting with you” he then turned briefly hugged DYD wishing her a happy birthday. He then hugs her older sister saying goodbye to her and heads of. Not able to leave without a passing shot at me he says as he walks off “thanks so much for the support” in other words thanks for nothing. Meh, you’re welcome ????. DYD and her sister go grab dinner in the dining hall returning in time to see their brother come off the bench and score the winning goal. We had an awesome night. Later on our way to bed ( we were staying on site) I ask DYD what she got for her birthday from her dad, “I don’t know, I was only allowed to have my presents if I went to dinner” was her response. I apologised that this has happened but she assured me that it was ok she was glad she stayed. It is pretty sad when the just 13 yr old has more maturity than her 45 yr old father.

If you are a newly minted Chump and are co parenting with a disordered cheater hang in there, remain the sane parent, the example, and don’t give a shit what your cheater says to you or about you. They are entitled to an opinion but it doesn’t pay rent so don’t give it space, they want you to feel as though you are the one messing up because it could not possibly be them, but smile politely because you know it is!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful. They are not our problem anymore.

My son stopped talking to his dad after he showed up at his soccer game with OW. Son didn’t ‘t even know about OW yet (just a couple months had past since his leaving and a month after baby sister was born).

I finally convince son that he should do something with his dad for Father’s Day. Both older kids were afraid to go to dinner with him for fear that dad will surprise them with OW and neither is ready for that.

They decide to have me drop them off at Outback and have dad meet them there with me nearby in case OW shows up and they want to leave. I buy a $50 Outback gift card so they can buy dinner.

STBX gets pissed off about them wanting to meet them at the restaurant and refuses to go.

Kids mail their card along with the gift card to his work (because they do not know where he is living).

STBX sends them a text saying thank you but he would have rather spent time with them instead of a gift card. WTF?

STBX then texts daughter asking her what he could do to get son to talk to him again.

Daughter replies that maybe he should have gone to dinner for Father’s Day.

STBX blames me and claims that I refused to cooperate and wanted to limit his access to them by not letting him pick them up.

Daughter then texts back that meeting him was son’s idea, not mom’s.

STBX then responds that it was Father’s Day, not son’s day.

Daughter closes phone and refuses to repsond.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GMF,
The line ” STBX then responded that is was Father’s Day, not son’s day” made me LOL.

My kids and I know too well that when it is about Ex it is all about Ex, and when it is about us it is still about Ex. I had to make allowances in our parenting plan that included him having them for an extended period of our summer holidays to include his birthday, on my birthday if they are with him I am luck to get a phone call. Everything is about them it is all part of the supply that feeds their ego. The minute you make noise that supply is being cut off watch the mask slip and the angry spill out.

And
Feelingit,
WTF? Gave her gift to good will? What an ass.
Since separating Ex has insisted that all gifts given to our girls while with him are to stay at his house, this includes clothes, shoes, gift cards the works.
DYD is visiting on Saturday for a few hours to celebrate her stepsisters 10th birthday, she is already planning what she is going to attempt to smuggle home as she no longer has regular visits. Partly I think she is curious to see what he will do, as she is not fearful of him.
Big hugs to you and your daughter, this would not be easy and she deserves praise for not feeding the toxic behaviour.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

We ought to collaborate on a book. The crazy kid and dad text exchanges. I cringe every time I see my phone light up with a screen shot of texts from my kids. It is always can you believe dad said this and just when I think he can’t surprise me anymore, he does.

The latest one berates 17 year old son for “dragging his mom into a discussion about (son’s) car insurance.” Really, dragging Mom in?, I am his custodial parent. He accuses son of dodging responsibility even though there is a court order saying stbx is responsible for auto insurance for son. It goes on and on about son being irresponsible and lacking in maturity.

He ends it with #grow up.

Need I say more?

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, your cheater and mine have the same brain function! The birthday scenario was so similar with my 15 yo daughter. He forgot until his mother reminded him and then he blamed my 21 yo son for not telling him, Then he calls her that day and expects her to plan a birthday outing with him. Meanwhile, he is leaving with schmoopie in 2 days for 10 day’s in the Bahamas. He still blames her for not planning something and told son he is donating the 80 dollar bracelet he bought her upon learning it was her birthday to goodwill because she didn’t plan an outing. WTH?

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, you are mighty! What a great mom. You navigated that little minefield beautifully.

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago

Problem: After D-Day and filing for divorce, I go into labor with our 4th child. She is born emergency c-section and has a large blister on her hand. The doctors immediately tell me they believe she may have the STD HSV, which is often a dangerous, even fatal complication for newborns. Newborn is immediately whisked away for comprehensive medical testing (spinal tap, etc).

Adult Solution: Give the team of medical professionals the truth about your sexual history when they ask you, so the Infectious Disease Specialist can create an accurate risk algorithm and treatment plan for newborn daughter. For example, I told the doctors the truth: I have had no physical contact of any kind with anyone other than my husband, since I met him as a teenager (with the date of the last time we were physically intimate, which was right up to D-Day).

Cheater Solution: Lie to the Infectious Disease Doctors about ever having had sexual relations with your wife since the conception of child, giving the doctors a completely different timeline of events than your wife just gave and causing great confusion amongst the Physicians in charge of your newborn’s care. Tell lies because protecting YOURSELF from having the OW find out that you actually were sleeping with your wife the entire time of the secret affair is more important to you than giving the correct information to the doctors who are trying to protect your newborn daughter.

(Every day I am so grateful that we both turned out healthy and received such meticulous medical care.)

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

Stalked, what a horrible man! I’m so happy that you and your daughter are okay.

28yearsgone
28yearsgone
6 years ago

That’s truly evil -so sorry you had to go through that. And really glad you are both healthy now.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago

What an absolute dirt bag. I’m so glad your daughter came through it OK!

Stalked, name changed
Stalked, name changed
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Thanks y’all ????

The timeline all came down something called “seroconversion”, so accurate dates where literally essential. Every week of inaccuracy changed the risk algorithm greatly. Without the risk of my spouse’s extra-marital affair during my pregnancy, we had no risk. OW refused to supply her STD results, which would have provided at least some peace of mind during literally the most stressful experience of my life.

While I was still in the hospital, recovering from the c-section and staying in my newborn’s hospital room while she was treated with anti-viral medicine, my then-husband forwarded me an email written to our children’s Gaurdian Ad Litem by his attorney (who was BFF with OW, also a divorce attorney) BLASTING me for our newborn’s hospitalization, saying it was my fault and my obstetrician’s fault (never cheating ex-husband’s fault). She then had the gall to list an entirely, completely false timeline of when I had last been intimate with my husband! As if she knew better than me! As if I would ever want an emergency c-section and a newborn with an extended hospital stay to be treated for neo-natal STDs!

My ex-husband completely threw me under the bus with his bold lies. What he did is absolutely despicable and abusive.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Wow. Heinous doesn’t begin to describe this. I’m speechless.

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