Rage Plumbing and Other Acts of Productive Anger

The Friday Challenge is about productive anger. So you were chumped. So you’re angry as hell about it. What GOOD thing did that anger make you do?

I’m not talking about creating a funeral pyre of all your cheater’s things and dancing around it. We’re not about revenge scenarios here. I’m talking about the kind of righteous anger that creates showdowns with household appliances and lawn equipment.

“YOU WILL NOT WIN STRING EDGER! For I am STRONGER!”

When your world has fallen apart, when you’ve faced greater humiliations than failing to understand string edgers, suddenly lesser hurdles are not so intimidating. Goddamn it, I WILL MASTER THE STRING EDGER! Anger can make you mighty.

Luziana made this point in an excellent comment yesterday:

The Summer that Cold Slab O’ Meat dawdled on paying for the dissolution whilst he played poor discarded me to a host of co workers, internet dates and pregnant Schmoopie who couldn’t decide whether she was really a lesbian or not, my daughter and I built a deck. By ourselves. A 45 year old lady and a ten year old girl. EVERY NAIL had his and The Sluterus’ face on it.

This spring we remodeled three rooms more in our house. The rage of being alone to have to move a disgusting old toilet off the pipe, and my savings gone that I could have used to pay a plumber drove me. When I set the new one properly and bolted it down, the roar I let out felt like fear breaking off my heart and being permanently banished. Yeah, I know. For a toilet.

Rage plumbing. Is there anything mightier?

As I’ve told the story here many times, when I left a cheater I took up welding. (That picture is CL circa 2008.) Not for any practical purpose, like pipefitting, just because I heard about a course being offered and I thought WTF, why not? Welding is essentially like playing with a glue gun that can kill you. In fact, once I didn’t ground it right and I shot a volt of current through the fleshy webbing between my thumb and index finger. Burned a perfect cauterized hole right through my hand. But the crazy thing is, when you’re in a world of heartbreak, burning a hole through your hand doesn’t really faze you. Bring it on MIG welder, I’ve suffered worse. 

So what did productive anger make you do? Start the lawn mower alone? Take up public speaking? Run for office?

Tell me about it. And TGIF!

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KeepSmiling
KeepSmiling
6 years ago

I’m on a mission to re-paint/re-model every room in MY house! Kids and I are having fun and learning a lot along the way! 5 rooms down including a bathroom with a broken sink that d-bag cheater was “getting around to” for 2 years and he is a plumber!! Don’t need you as a plumber or as a husband asshole! Good riddance!

Kristen
Kristen
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepSmiling

Me too! I remodeled my bedroom first and painted it purple, which ex would have hated. Then I tackled the guest room where I found them on DDay: ripped down wallpaper, painted, refinished the floors, and got all new furniture. I learned to spackle (the useful kind!) and then to tile, so I went ahead and tiled my kitchen back splash. I hung art that I liked. I bought myself a brand new shiny red car with bells and whistles, which stills whispers “freedom” to me every time I climb inside. My garden is thriving and my house is uncluttered as a result of having angry energy to spend. And when it really gets bad, I walk for miles; the madder I am, the faster I go!

Renee
Renee
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepSmiling

I was already the plumber and painter and assembler of furniture in our house. Cheater O’Mine hated doing things like that and always did a terrible job of it so I wouldn’t want him to do it next time.

My mighty house project was that I packed everything I owned into a 26′ rental truck and drove it across three states and through the traffic of several major cities. I was terrified, but I am still proud of myself years later. Also, while I hope I don’t have to do that again, I know that I CAN and that knowledge has powered many more things that scare me.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Renee

Oh yeah the silent subconscious rage .post horrific discard within months sold a house(wank face just stopped paying the mortgage on 10 yr family home) lost job / gained new job….found rental for me 3 kids and dog. Ex of 12 months divorced me / dealing with mental health of kids / 90% of mutual friends deserted me (later realised i had been unmercifully slandered for YEARS) lost rest of 5 family pet rabbits to poisoning …. ???? Thinking bunny boiler fatal attraction. So yes rage is an emotion that stops you from self destruction and just getting the fucking job done.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

Errata ..ex of 25 yrs within 12 months filed divorce no reason .. except to others gave random justification that ‘kids and homelife were suffocating him and he couldnt do what he wanted …..’ poor lamb.
Yes silent rage propells you past the urge to step in front of a bus and get things done.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepSmiling

Keep Smiling – I’ve been doing the same thing… I’ve repainted rooms… installed a new front door… finally moved my laundry from the basement up to the mud room… I even updated the bathroom.

When Mr. Sparkles left I gave him our marital bed (always hated it)… living furniture… kitchen utensils… bathroom towels… whereas I bought new furniture and “restyled” the whole VIBE of my house.

As my son says, “Dad’s house looks like the past. Our house is brand new.” Makes me feel good. I kept the physical house for my son’s stability but created a new life for us there. WIN.

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

+1

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
6 years ago

So far the mightiest thing I’ve done is divorce him. I am still a work in progress. I have mighty plans, though. I just need to get through my days.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Girl – you did the hardest thing first… rock on!

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Supreme,

You are way ahead of me. Carry on getting through those days, oh mighty one. Plumbing will wait for you.

learning
learning
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

good for you !!

CharityFroggenhall
CharityFroggenhall
6 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Well done!!!

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

Stbxh left us for the last time in March 2016. We have 3 children. Currently they are 4, 3 and 23 months old. He is an idiot who is now living with an affair partner in his parent’s home. They sleep in his childhood bedroom. How romantic… Anyway…

I’ve always wanted a garden but we live in bear country in the mountains. There are many black bear and dozens of white tail deer who visit our house daily…but this year I was determined. The kids and I started several mini greenhouses inside in February. Then I transferred the best seedlings to containers. I dismantled our old shed and used the frame to create a large garden box. I wrapped the entire thing in chicken wire to keep the deer and small animals out and even built a gate for access to the plants. We know have 25+ vegetable plants growing. The children enjoy checking the garden and helping me water the plants in the evening. We are doing our best to stay focused on good things!

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Here’s where your ex and his AP are doing it. Right next to the cat puke. LOL

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-QG-rFf4po

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

Hahahaha….”do it in my twin bed!”

MJB
MJB
6 years ago
Reply to  MehGloriousMeh

That is hilarious!

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  AlohaFreedom

Now that is mighty! No challenge too huge for mama bear Aloha! (And her cubs)

LRC
LRC
6 years ago

Let’s see…. I sold all my wedding rings and got LASIK eye surgery.. painted and redecorated my daughter’s bedroom and son’s bedroom as well as mine. Had the shutters taken down and plan to paint them and the front door, took my kids to Florida, Cape Cod and Hershey Park.

No drama, no stress and no looking at a lazy ass lay on the couch while I do it all like I always did.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  LRC

After we married I always wanted one of those eternity anniversary bands. The anniversary after he confessed a 4 year affair, he got me one……then I found out a year later he was still seeing her. I always called it the poison ring because it meant nothing when he gave it.
Fast forward 5 years ( chump much??) there is another anniversary band to replace the poison ring. 18mo later he tells me he’s leaving me for his latest AP. Now I have two poison rings.
I sold every piece of jewelry including my wedding bands and the original poison ring and helped pay my pit bull atty and bought a Labrador puppy that I love more than I ever loved my ex…..my dog is loyal, my ex, not so much.
I wear the second poison ring to this day to remind me of what I survived and who I deal with. Just because something is beautiful to you doesn’t mean it’s not poison.
As for my mightiness?
Good settlement, divorce done, don’t give a fuck about him or what he does, I’m purging my house of all things ex husband and making it my own.
I’ve dealt with two fender benders by my daughter in my own, replaced a car battery, and redid my patio.
Fuck him.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

You rock, Paintwidow!!

LRC
LRC
6 years ago

Let’s see…. I sold all my wddding rings and got LASIK eye surgery.. painted and redecorated my daughter’s bedroom and son’s bedroom as well as mine. Had the shutters taken down and plan to paint them and the front door, took my kids to Florida, Cape Cod and Hershey Park.

No drama, no stress and no looking at a lazy ass lay on the couch while I do it all like I always did.

neveragainchump
neveragainchump
6 years ago
Reply to  LRC

We were married to the same man. So glad he is gone.

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago

Thanks!

AlohaFreedom
AlohaFreedom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My thoughts exactly!

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago

I moved into my own rental townhouse a few months after D-Day. I bought my daughter new bed from Ikea and had them deliver it to my place. Except instead of leaving it at my door they delivered it to the front office, about 1/3 of a mile away. The office called, angry that they had such a huge package that needed to be picked up right now. So I ran over with my 2 year old daughter and little Pontiac Vibe and quickly realized that the package wasn’t going to fit in my car. So maybe on my car? Somehow I shoved it and got it on the roof of my car and then drove slowly to the other side of the complex. Down little inclines, and over about 6 aggressive speed bumps. I don’t know how that bed didn’t slide off my roof along the way.

Then at home I needed to get it inside, somehow single handedly lifted up a full sized bed frame and getting it off my roof into my townhouse.

But the biggest challenge was putting it all together. I would plug along, thinking it was looking good only to have the bed just collapse repeatedly. I desperately needed an extra set of hands to hold pieces in place while I tightened the screws. Somehow I managed to complete it all by myself one afternoon. I screamed, I almost threw the pieces of the bed frame out the window. But in the end I won, and the Ikea bed, while a formidable opponent, was not as stubborn as me.

PianoMom
PianoMom
6 years ago

You are mighty, for sure! Somehow, when we think we can’t , we push ourselves to get it done, dammit!

Nora
Nora
6 years ago

IKEA should offer a Chump discount.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  Nora

Seriously!! I went to Ikea too – a 2-1/2 hour ride over the Sierras from here – and bought a pretty white pine entertainment center. That came in 5 large, HEAVY, boxes. Got those suckers into the garage (borrowed my son’s pickup for the trip) with the help of a girlfriend, then unpacked and carried it into the house one piece at a time. Took a bit, but I DID IT! And I love it, looks so pretty in my grey, white, and aqua living room!

This weekend, I started building the waterfall I’ve always wanted in my backyard! It’s dug, liner’s in, big rocks moved, I collapsed. 🙂 I’ll finish up next week!

It feels SO GOOD to do and get it done without having to beg someone to help, be criticized if I didn’t wait and just did it, or be informed that he could have done better.

Away with you, Shithead! Go impress Liver Spot Lolita with your big talk and now action. I am getting shit done!

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

That should be “no action” not “now.”

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago

That whole story needs an SNLvideo like the one above!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

StrawberryJellyfish – I’m in the “more stuborn than ikea furniture” camp too!

Within a week of stumbling on hundreds of his emails to his AP, I secured an apartment and ordered all new ikea furniture. While my then-husband was at work, I moved more financial stuff to the new place and put furniture together… At night, after putting my little one to bed, I would leave “for a walk” in fact putting more furniture together in my new place. I have no recollection of how I put all the 2-people projects together on my own (e.g. my kiddo’s loft bed, an L-shaped sofa and my bed)…

A month after DDay#1, I had a custody plan, a lawyer retained, a new fully furnished place of comfort for my kiddo and myself to come to, all the financial documents, and 1/2 of our liquid assets wired to my own account. I can say it was largely due to the action plan local friends gave me, as well as the burning anger I felt after uncovering his affair.

I’m almost 3 years post-DDay, and still angry, no surprise given the shit sandwiches of having to share custody a disordered fuckwad. But overall, I’m pretty proud about how bad ass my post-DDay exit was.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Putting together ANYthing from Ikea is a feat worthy of celebration!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

when my sweet husband was dumped, she convinced him to move her into her new place and put all her Ikea stuff together…he was doing the pick me dance so he did it …regrets it to this day

FindingPeace
FindingPeace
6 years ago

You are incredible!!

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago

This may sound strange – and lame – but I am finally able to do fun things with my children without having to take into account STBX – ‘I have to work’, ‘sounds boring’, ‘I’m too tired’, ‘we can’t afford it’…. I took them to a huge flea market, a renaissance fair, a water park, a ranch and more. The freedom! My eldest is 16 and this is the first time we could just say ‘let’s go do …’. On our first weekend away I kept apologizing that I was so excited! No more controlling, selfish git who was having all of his fun outside of his family.

SlowlyRisingAbove
SlowlyRisingAbove
6 years ago

I love this! My stbx never wanted to attend family days so I always felt like I was “begging” him to join us and then when he did (which wasn’t often) he would brood the whole time and be miserable. My kids always tiptoed around him when he was in a bad mood. I got used to just doing things alone with my kiddos and now it doesn’t feel much different. Recently my son had his 14th birthday and his dad wrote “I know I haven’t always been the best dad but my love for you is strong.” I want to scream “actions speak louder than words, asshole!!” But I won’t, of course, as I am the sane, dutiful parent. Per the usual. Keep up the family trips! Good for you!

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

what an ass. he missed (is missing) the joy of parenthood. You rock!

MJB
MJB
6 years ago

As CL & CN has said, we give so much for so little in return. We make our needs small. It’s amazing how much this can affect our kids.

My ex was the life of the party, fun and engage when it was something he wanted to do. He would guilt us if we did something without him or make the rest of us miserable if he went and didn’t want to.

I don’t miss walking on egg shells or pacifying that high maintenance bottomless pit of need.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

Ah yes. Never wants to do anything the family wants to do. It also dribbled into date nights. I used to set up dates but he never liked my ideas so I started letting him set up the dates so we could do what he wanted. Then when the marriage blew up one of his complaints was that he always had to set up the dates. She (Schmoopie) was more fun because she would come up with all of these fun things to do, things that if I had suggested them he would have said “nah”.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago

I LOVE THIS!

I always hated taking my son places with the “trip martyr”
He would always go because he said he didn’t want to hear me complain? And he never had a good time because you know the zoo, aquarium, park, Disneyland were ‘never his thing’ even though his son LOVED IT. What a tool!
Hell, I would tell him directly that I didn’t want him to go. Then he would just sulk in the backround holding the backpack trying to ruin our fun while me & my son would be having a blast without him.
Since my ex’s ‘thing’ was porn & hookers, I guess our son wouldn’t have been any fun to him until he was much older to share in that crap.

Now that ex has passed, we no longer have to deal with “trip martyr”
My son & I made a vision board and are constantly adding & going to the fun places we want to go.
We have already crossed off a few so far this year and it has been great!

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Yup, my cheater sucked like a hoover vacuum!

My anger has propelled me to go out for more adventures with me and my son.
Mr. Runswithhookers wasn’t really a pet fan & wouldn’t allow another cat into the household after one of our cats passed a few years ago & our poor surviving cat has been so lonely……and he is old. My son has always wanted a white kitty so we went to look for one & saw another kitty who was just as adorable so now we are adopting 2 kitties!

I bought a bigger aquarium too & set it up myself……………More fishes you say? I say yes!
I don’t think we have room for a dog right now but someday……. 🙂

I am mighty because I am rebuilding our lives with love & adventure.

Oh, my best act of anger is that I am selling his precious beloved “project cars” he never finished & will use the money to get us a nice car for us as well.

I have used youtube videos to fix the TV, the garage door, and a minor plumbing issue.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

“Trip martyr”. I had one of those. He also excelled at “restaurant martyr” and “movie martyr”

Ugh. Good riddance!

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

Yup, I also had a ‘trip martyr’, or more like an ‘oh, we’re travelling and having a good time? I must fight w/you about something trivial, or sulk for no apparent reason’ type. But his greatest martyrdom was around shopping! He made it so unpleasant for all of us. Then was shocked. SHOCKED. when the kids and I didn’t want him to come shopping w/us.

StrawberryJellyfish
StrawberryJellyfish
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

I don’t trust any person who acts miserable at Disneyland! I can relate to this so much. My daughter is only 5 and she says “you always take me places, Dad never does anything with me.” I’m always finding activities for us around town. I have friends with kids so she gets to play with her friends at my house or theirs. We go see lots of plays and musicals and get to listen to music in the house and dance around. Best is that my boyfriend is always down for whatever and will join us often and be a fun addition to our group.

I’ve taken my daughter to Disneyworld twice since we divorced and it was a thousand times more enjoyable without him there. He’s such a wet blanket.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago

I don’t trust any person who acts miserable at Disneyland

I know right?!

So now we are planning Disneyworld next year-YAY!
(probably with some of the money from nowdeadcheater’s stupid project cars)

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

My STBX did this same thing at Universal Studios. I was pregnant and couldn’t ride anything with my 14 and 12 year old kids. He didn’t ride anything with them either and then wouldn’t talk to me while we waited for the kids to ride on their own, then he disappeared for 5 hours (he found a bar to drink and watch football).

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

My ex scoffed and scorned any idea of taking the kids to the big parks like Disney. Tourist rip-off, tacky, for idiots. Then last year, on his California vacay w/his current gf (not OW), he went to Universal Studios and had a GREAT time, and told the kids all about it, and offered to take them there and to Disney. Yeah, make that offer NOW, when the kids are 15 and 16, and barely see you, and would never travel w/you.

There are so many, many ways they suck, both big and small.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
6 years ago

Not lame at all. I can totally relate. No more tiptoeing around hoping he’d agree to go, no more uncomfortable times at the zoo, fair, store, hike, whatever with kids engaged but sourpuss dragging his feet because the trip really wasn’t his idea and “this is frustrating let’s just go back home”…. So yes to “let’s just go do it!” Good for you!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Not lame at ALL. It’s brilliant!

Tracy
Tracy
6 years ago

I fired my first attorney. She charged me $38,000….he was ProSe. He got the house…moved in his whore…Yada Yada yada.
I drafted my own contempt petition and took it to a new attorney…he asked…Did you do this yourself? Yes…yes I did. I left…he called and offered me a job…. Me…a hairdresser who had gone to jail (thank you Ex Douche bag) ….had zero computer skills other than facebook….was offered a job with a law firm. I took it. I learned…I even did my own All Claims Hearing Case….the judge complimented my work.
I took my anger and my penchant for details and documentation and killed my Ex in the courtroom.
I am back “Behind the Chair” working as a hairdresser. I have rebuilt my clientele which I lost 5 years ago when my life imploded.
Nothing is more satisfying and vengeful…as succeeding and doing it very very well…and looking good while doing it!!!

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Omg! That is mighty kickass at its best Tracy! Congrats!

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

awesome

ZHUCHI
ZHUCHI
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy Brokovitch??? This is an incredibly inspiring story. You rock.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Tracy the attorney/hairdresser for the win!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Hey, and you can always do the legal thing part-time if you need to…

chump for 30yrs
chump for 30yrs
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I met Tracy 8 years ago, just before both her hell and mine began. She introduced me to CL & CN. Her story is remarkable, to say the least, in an ocean of terrible tales. The story line of her life from D day forward has more dark twists and turns than “The Sixth Sense”. I have,as many others, encouraged her to write it down.
Her XA-HOLE invested lots of time and energy trying to convince Small Town, USA that she was clinically insane and an attempted assaulter of her own child and murderer of cows . Yes, cows. Although temporarily back on her heels, she came out with a blazing rage coupled with a determination to learn the legal ropes concerning divorce and she came out a big winner. All this time (5 years?) , she has been helping other women in the same or similar situations, (yes, IN JAIL she counseled hardened criminals, and they advised her, too!) and has remained both steadfast AND open-minded. She’s been impressing some big names in the hair business, and I can’t wait for the look of dull surprise on the faces of local Switzerland friends when her own shop is the “big name”. She used rage to do all this . At first,uncontrolled, it got her in more trouble.She was blindsided. Her X was counting on that. Then, she used it like a sharpened tool and has a new life and , I think, new self-appreciation. Use the rage. Be like Tracy.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

I found Tracy accidentally on Facebook when she posted a few comments on Chump Lady’s Facebook posts. I put two and two together as to her story here on Chump Lady blog (the teapots were the connecting link). Her story is shocking and her mightiness is amazing! I could relate to her story as my ex called the police three times and got a restraining order against me, which I haven’t violated. That piece of paper has kept me from missing a full year of my kids activities, because I never knew if he’d be there or not. Just yesterday, I missed a very big event for my son. My son called me up about two hours before the event was to start and he said, “Dad said there wasn’t a restraining order.” His dad lied to his own son. I cannot wait to show my son the restraining order tonight when he gets home from his dads. And I was blindsided too and once the fog lifted, my rage turned me into what looked like a crazy person. But would anyone ever tell Tiger Woods’ ex-wife that she was crazy for going after him with a golf club?! Nope! She was acting normal to a really shitty, cheating husband. Same with me and the same with Tracy. I do hope to meet Tracy some day. She’s inspiring just like all the other chumps out there that are fighting to get their lives back after realizing they were chumped. Go Tracy and go Chump Nation!!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oh Martha,
You frame that restraint order valiant lady. It is yur badge of honour.
I am so sorry you have to miss your children’s sports events. That part is sad and sucks.
But, really you got it over your ex.
You are mighty, you rock!
It sounds like he is afraid of YOU!

????This girl’s on fire!????

Another poster said she grew woman’s balls.
Now, that is mighty.
CN never fails to amaze me.
Martha, you hold your head high.
You did what you had to do to protect your children’s and your own integrity.
YOU ARE MIGHTY,
Hear CN roar!?

CharityFroggenhall
CharityFroggenhall
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

DAMN GRRL.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

You are mighty, Tracy!! This is the person who messaged you on Facebook. I’m “Martha” here at Chump Lady! 🙂 I think I might take a drive with my daughter to get our hair done by you. I love your work! I want to go blonde, because blondes have more fun! 🙂 You rock and I love how mighty you are!

Desdemona
Desdemona
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Wow Martha
You are beyond brilliant!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, go blond Martha, you will look gorgeous!
Today I am going blonde, well darker with blonde streaks.

YOU and TRACY are both MIGHTY!

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

I am impressed and inspired. I am needing this dose of mightiness today!!

TaraBelle
TaraBelle
6 years ago

My Baby sister is internationally Red Seal Journey welder! I can appreciate where you came from on the trade class.
I have a rage filled wood chopping corner. It’s my anger management corner. I’ve split a lot of wood. I am truly proud splitting Apple or birch tree wood. It takes a lot of hacking.
Catathartic and useful. Chopping wood good. Murdrr bad.
(And I qualified for sharpshooting/sniper specifications. JUST so I could hang the certificate at Fucknuts eye level. But he already knew I was tactically trained.)

Happy Friday CL and CN.

Keep on keeping on.

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago
Reply to  TaraBelle

I continue to be amazed by the badass chumps on CL.

MehGloriousMeh
MehGloriousMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  TaraBelle

TaraBelle you are effing MIGHTY!!!!

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I think “Chump with an axe” needs to be a cartoon!

MightyMamaOf2
MightyMamaOf2
6 years ago

Moved my boys and I 45 minutes away. By myself. Initially had asked a friend for help but he cancelled last minute. Determined to do it myself. My wonderful ex had actually laughed in my face when I said I was leaving and moving. He said oh yeah? How? Goodluck. 2 beds. A crib. A table. A couch. All the essentials for a 2bdrm apt. 8 trips back and forth in my car from point a to point b. 45 minutes each way. Recruited college boy neighbors with beer – to assist in the heavy stuff. But be damned I got it done. In one day. In a Chevy equinox.

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaOf2

I get that. “laugh in the face.” Cheater told me, part laughingly, ultimately just evilly: “that house is going to swallow you up.”
The house I spent twenty years and my whole career paying for. W-R-O-N-G.
It’s better than ever and will sell for a good price.
While Cheater-Baby-Boy lives in OW’s house, I think.
No longer even know or care.
Just.Wrong.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaOf2

Your kids are blessed to have such a strong and loving Mama… you’ve got this!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyMamaOf2

That’s mighty, MightyMamaOf2!!!!

I did just about the same. Moved most of the stuff all by myself. I had to hire a mover for the big furniture, but all the boxes and stuff were pretty much me in my little car.

And my ex was the same way. He didn’t believe I’d move out. I did and took the kids and dog with me!

Anita
Anita
6 years ago

Unfortunately, I’m not a productive anger person. I’m a cuss, drink, throw stuff kind of anger person. But, all that’s short lived little bursts and I get on with stuff pretty quickly then.

Mostly right now I’m straightening on my house, getting my finances in order, and reading a lot, which totally fell out the window when I was with asshole cheater cause I was laser focused on him and his shitty behavior.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Anita- me too. And chesterpanys had the nerve to tell me my cussing offended him…..WTFH? Douches

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
6 years ago
Reply to  Anita

“Cause I was laser focused on him and his shitty behavior. ”

THIS^^^^ So true, Anita!!!

It’s sad how much productive and enjoyable time for yourself and your own needs, wants, and personal hobbies come to a halt when all your attention is on playing marriage police and/or trying to keep the marriage together almost single-handedly. It feels good to have time to get back to the things I enjoy without having to worry about him all the time and his shady activities!

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

1. Spoke up – the truth loud and clear
2. Lawyered up big time – I’m talking huge
3. Became the best private investigator that ever existed – don’t know why he didn’t see this coming. The internet and lots of persistence (and hours and hours) were my welding
4. Found the best damn therapist ever
5. Got an amazing job – so good that my Facebook post about the “best job in the world” was the first page at my deposition! My lawyer and I laughed hysterically. That was the biggest gun in thee arsenal?
6. Reached out to all my friends and asked for help many, many times. I must have been a great friend for years because what I got back was humbling
7. And I found this amazing blog and the even more amazing Chump Lady

And all of that was just the first 6 months after finding out the man I married was a myth.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

In six months… YOU ARE MIGHTY… AND FAST 🙂

Aletheia
Aletheia
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, me too! I own what happened and I am open about it. Not overshare, just open. I stopped keeping secrets. Help from friends has been amazing. And I have a great job thanks to the help from a chump friend. This place saved my life and helped me tell my truth.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

All the above while renovating an apartment for one son, packing and moving to get the hell out of the place the ex dumped me in.
I can’t weld, but give me power tools and I’m in heaven!

nejla
nejla
6 years ago

I had a feather stuffed couch that I hated. A few years ago the XH insisted we needed a new couch (he is a big guy and had gone through my first couch when he inserted himself in my life and apartment and the next one which I purchased to replace it) SO, a couple family members were coming from Merry Ole England and he insisted we needed a new one, but….sorry, Nej, you will have to pay for it because I am out on disability…
I spackled away that red flag as I did all of them and i ended up hastily buying a huge feather bed couch at a Bloomies warehouse sale place because it was the only one acceptable to him–it was discounted but already looking a bit worn. Skip ahead two years before he left and I was constantly picking up feathers plus it had his smell embedded in the fabric. Every time I would sit on it it made me think of how he would lay on it in his underwear all day and night on his phone texting while watching sports. Blech.
I dismantled the legs and carried that monster out of my house and in the garbage. My only regret is I didn’t do it earlier!

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  nejla

With your douchey husband still on it! Lol

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

As husband, I always did yard work and household maintenance and small repairs. What I couldn’t do was anything related to technology. Relied on my cheating ex-wife to do anything tech-y. She did it but made me feel dumb for seeking help. Lots of eye rolling and tutt-tutting. So I was one of the last people on the planet ordering CDs and talking on a flip phone.

After my divorce, I didn’t do rage plumbing, but I did do some pretty determined techno self training. Now, several years later, I download songs and podcasts onto my iPod from iTunes, I use emojis on my smartphone (???!!), and I even have a Facebook page (though I confess to occasionally referring to it as “Friendbook” or “Facefriend.” I have conquered 2009!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Gee taco emoji who would have thought!

king
king
6 years ago

I returned to college. 4 straight quarters of going full time at this point, dean’s list all the way. nothing like calculus to take your mind of shit

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  king

Deans list taking calculus…that is crazy mighty (that I cant do…Im scared crazy over the stats class I start in 2 weeks). You are Math Mighty!

king
king
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

a year ago I barely tested into college algebra on my placement exam…

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  king

Legend, king! Algebra. Scary stuff for those less STEM oriented! I also returned to uni and Dean’s Listed, honour societied and scholarshipped the fuck out of my undergrad degree. Topped one department and second in another (double major.) Just over a month out from Masters research thesis submission today. Still shit scared every day I will be exposed as a fraud! But still here.

Have always been a capable renovator/handyperson. I always modelled that behaviour for my kids, even before my life imploded. But mostly because I could never afford tradespeople! So yeah, I keep that up and try to problem solve to avoid being the damsel in distress. My eldest is more ‘girly’ than me, but even she impresses her workmates doing things like turning up after lunch breaks (she is a makeup artist/hairdresser) with car repair tools, eg, jump box for her car’s tired battery. #proudmummabear.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

My parents owned a house that my grandmother had lived in. It was pretty there. Near the end of the marriage, X went there for some “alone time”. The lady he screwed there, who thought they were soulmates after their beautiful week, called our house one day because he wasn’t calling her back (no cell phones then) and was shocked to hear me answer, since she didn’t know I existed.

We had a long talk.

I went to the house as soon as I could. I was determined that those two fuckers were NOT GOING TO TAKE THAT HOUSE AWAY FROM ME. So many of my life’s memories… My grandmother… No.

The house was neglected. I am surprised nobody ever called the city. The yard was overgrown with ivy. I donned gloves and started pulling.

A neighbor came by and caught me ugly-crying and offered help. I said thanks, but no, I need to do this. She smiled kindly and said, OK, I understand, I live just over there. You’re doing great. I always figured she knew exactly what was going on.

I cleared every inch of that yard and cleaned and scrubbed every inch of their tawdry week out of MY HOUSE, then went back at least once a month (until my dad sold it) to keep it up. Fuck them. MY HOUSE.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Cheeky fuckers

MurphyCee
MurphyCee
6 years ago

I started doing speaking engagements to medical students about my cancer. Then my son started a cancer awareness group at this school and together we’ve started a team that works for a local organization. We’ve raised over $25,000 for research together! Last year I was given an award for the work we’re doing and I gave an amazing acceptance speech at the annual fund raising dinner.
No more hiding from the world for me.
Take that, asshole!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Not particularly groundbreaking for me, I’m painted an awful lot in my life — but in honor of what’s gotten me through the worst with KK, I repainted our bedroom “Rock Gray”:

https://www.benjaminmoore.com/en-us/color-overview/find-your-color/color/1615/rock-gray?color=1615

(I searched high and low for “Gray Rock” but it does not exist)

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I went with Dolphin Gray for the same reason 🙂

I used to have a sleep disorder while I was married. Amazing what happens when you get rid of a cheating fuckwit, paint the room and buy a new bed. Sleeping a straight 8 now… on Belgian linen sheets nonetheless!

Deni67
Deni67
6 years ago

Yesssssss! It was like miracle how after discovery, my insomnia cleared up as well as so many aches and pains. I’ve been sleeping like a baby ever since. You cannot put a price on a good nights rest! ???

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Deni67

He was always the one who suffered from insomnia. Funny, getting away from me didn’t do anything to clear that up for him. Every time I see him he looks like he hasn’t slept in a week.

I used to have minor insomnia, mostly waking up and wondering why he wasn’t home yet or coming to bed yet when he was home. Now that I know he isn’t coming to bed ever, I sleep soundly. I am also no longer awakened by his snoring although I do get cold sometimes. He was good for keeping the bed warm when he was in it.

BetterEveryDay
BetterEveryDay
6 years ago

Me too CIR. The snoring, and also the inability to sleep until he came to bed. All so much better now. And a heating blanket is awesome. Turn on an hour before bedtime and it’s nice and toasty.

Fern
Fern
6 years ago

Hot water bottle will do the trick!

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

After Stbx left after I threw him out.. legally .. alone in home , my toilet bowl stop working. Couldn’t afford plumber .. crying & angry.. went to Home Depot, asked assistant questions, not understanding what the heck they were saying, I ran home with part & put piece on bowl

After 2 hours, done!! So proud of myself. Cursed them., angry as hell. But I did it.

One of many things I did alone
Fuck them both. Hopefully karma shows up .

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

Almost three years since I caught the cheater out on a “drinks date” with the women who he said was “just a friend”, he was just trying to be a “good friend” to her after her divorce (he’s a predator!!), she was “sexless” to him, he couldn’t tell whether she was male or female/”just a friend!!!!!” — yeah, right. His “friend” is now his “girlfriend.” And he started dating and sleeping with her when we were still married. Hopefully he’s figured out by now that she’s a female. What an asshole.

So, a year ago I was religiously listening to Phil Collin’s song, “I Don’t Care Anymore” and studying to take a admittance test for nursing school. Past the test! I’m now two months into nursing school at the age of 51 years old. My anger is not even close to where it was, but I use my anger and hatred (yes, I hate him for lying to me since the very beginning of our relationship (ALWAYS had women “friends”) to study more and harder. You see, my ex, even before he told me he wanted a divorce — we were going to counseling with our pastor and the whole time my ex was telling his bosses and co-workers that I was “crazy.” What a nice “Christian” guy! And of course about five months after the fog lifted, I started to act what looks like crazy when you are full of RAGE, because when you are dealing with a covert narcissist, you realize you’ve been dupped FOREVER and the rage sets in and you go nuts!!

So now I use what’s left of my anger towards him to get great grades and to prove that I’m not crazy. Sorry, but they don’t let crazy people be nurses. Crazy people could not handle what I’ve been thru with two moves. Buying my own place. Taking care of two kids. Trying to figure out stuff I haven’t dealt with in over 20 years. And on top of that, getting good grades and perfect attendance.

I will be awesome and mighty! 🙂 Thanks Chump Lady and Chump Nation!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Wow, Martha Holy Shit! I was in my very early 20’s when I went to nursing school. I had no children and didn’t work at the time. You got this!!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Thank you, nomoreskankboy! 🙂

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha,
YOU already are awesome and mighty!
The world needs more caring, nurturing, bold, brave nurses like you!
( all you have suvived will make you a top notch, empathetic nurse)
( ask me how I know) ?
You rock girl!
You got this with flying colours!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Thank you, Peacekeeper, for our kind words. (((HUGS))) to you. 🙂

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha…Nursing School in your 50s in MIGHTY!! I recently went back (also in my 50s) to finish my BSN (i have homework Im avoiding as we speak). With dignity intact, I have taken classes with 18 yr olds, had my daughter edit english papers and learned that my son is working in the next edition of my math textbook ( of ALL of the textbooks in the world, what were the chances of that !?!). You GO!!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornomore, You are mighty too and I too have studying that I’m avoiding at the moment. lol. 🙂

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

You are a great inspiration for those college kids, I am sure. You are amazing, too, unicornomore.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

YES, I agree, amazing and MIGHTY!

Jessica
Jessica
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

OMG Martha!!!! The first EA my ex had, he told me about this “attraction” he found unsettling for a co-worker, that he’d let “come too close” in sharing etc. And he said “I’m not even sure if she’s a lesbian, to me she’s like a guy in a woman’s body, I can’t even tell if she’s a guy or a woman” !!!!!!!!!!
This NEVER made sense to me and I’m so shocked to see another cheater say that!!!! Although I shouldn’t be, as we know they have a handbook… A year later, he texted her to be his “sexy nurse” – but it was just a JOKE!!! Yeah, I didn’t laugh (but I did stay for 5 more years, as I tried to believe him – faceslap!)

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Jessica

Yes, Jessica, it’s crazy and amazing that they all seem to say different versions of the same thing! And I hear you about hearing something that sounds so ridiculous from the cheater and we “try to believe” them. I had 20+ years of things that he said that just seemed “off” or a lie. I guess it’s all a part of being a chump. We so want to believe that the person who tells us that they love us couldn’t possibly be lying. Oh, well. Live. Learn. And don’t be a trusting chump again!!

ElleB
ElleB
6 years ago

I don’t do a lot of rage projects, but I do a lot of things because I’m stubborn and persistent. One of the hardest things I did was the first Christmas with out cheater. I always had a real tree. So out I go in the cold (-20) and snow to cut my own tree. I found the perfect 8 foot tree, sawed it down and lifted into the back of my truck. Then I hauled it into my house, up the stairs, and got it into the tree stand. Took me a lot of time but I did it all by myself.

Overcomer
Overcomer
6 years ago

I used my anger to overcome my fear of depending on myself/being utterly alone. I mountain biked by myself with my tent and sleeping bag 10+ miles into a remote campground (safely too far from unsafe riff raff and complete with a visiting ranger). I camped overnite, cooked my food and serenely drank my tea by a beautiful river. When I started to feel afraid I let the anger propel me forward. I hiked to a glacier and back absorbing every amazing view, relishing each precious moment that I began to take my life back, letting the anger and fear dissolve and empowerment and trust in my capable self rush in. It was the first memory I made without spawn of phlegms manipulative oppressive presence and I still am so very proud of myself.

ChumpDude
ChumpDude
6 years ago
Reply to  Overcomer

Right on Overcomer! How evocative and inspiring…

Overcomer
Overcomer
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDude

Thank you, it was the first “one step forward” moment for sure

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  Overcomer

I love this. ❤️

Jessica
Jessica
6 years ago

I cleared out all my childhood/teenager belongings from my parents’ house to make room for myself so I could try not to live out of a suitcase (I still am living out of a suitcase).
Collections of books, magazines, CDs, almost everything I ever owned went down to the trash cans in about 20 rounds up and down from the 2nd floor apartment to the street.
Rage decluttering workout!!

Breezerc
Breezerc
6 years ago

I was meant to relocate internationally for my job however I got offered a promotion in the same city as Lenore the Whore and Fuckwit…

MY work colleague, who had an affair with my Husband… and got immediately pregnant…. slight twist on the usual story!

I became the OW’s boss… don’t mess with me bitch… I am here to stay!

Overcomer
Overcomer
6 years ago
Reply to  Breezerc

Wow that’s some powerful karma!

Better Alone
Better Alone
6 years ago

I finally got a hand in our finances and then made them mine. I like to riff on CL’s famous quote and often say the affair was the turd on the shit cake he had me eat for years. Financial infidelity was there way before he secretly introduced the 22 year old from Thailand into the marriage. So when it all imploded, I went on a money discovery trip. The one with the lawyer and my divorce-certified financial advisor and my very own. I handled two professionals and their fees, I filed my taxes, got my credit in order, refinanced the house in my name, had the roof replaced (literally the roof over our heads! which needed to be replaced five years before that), put in new gutters, had to hire a lawyer overseas to get my hands on official paperwork showing I was an owner of property there, got child support, got alimony, I am paying for my son’s flying lessons… It goes on and on. There was so much growth and power from taking the reins on all that!
I am FINALLY making decisions for my own own life, a privilege he had deny me the whole marriage (add narcissist to the lovely mix the genius is) and I no longer have to hear ‘we can’t afford it’ from the man who earns a quarter of a million dollars a year, the man who made his family of origin, his priority over the family he created.
You know that bumper sticker that says “If I had known grandkids were so much fun, I’d have had them first”, I feel the same way about divorce. If I had known I’d be so much happier/stronger divorced, I would have done that first 🙂
P.S.: You look awesome in that welder’s hat/helmet Tracy! 🙂

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

The 22 year old from Thailand? So you were also married to my ex then… amazing how the stories are the same. Mine had several Thai whores he was paying for school for (they were that young) a 19 year old in our home country, Australia, and a bunch of icky buddies he used to travel with, with these whores!

Ditto, if I’d known divorce was so much better than staying married to that jackass, I would’ve done it a LOT sooner!

Better Alone
Better Alone
6 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

Hi DWM,
Yes I think one of Thailand’s great export is young would-be-whores. The genius actually tried to justify the affair and legitimize his AP to our son by telling him that she was a graduate student (and I’m sure he helped finance that endeavor, just like your cheater…). If I had been part of that conversation, I would have asked him what did she major in? And mind you, I am convinced she was not the only one. He comes from a country where prostitutes are almost exclusively from South East Asia (as he was ‘told’ by his own father). At any rate, I will also add that I try really hard not to have a country/culture specific racism because of that one person (I guess I’m failing miserably with this post…). And I am also a strong believer not to go after the OW, so I completely ignored her and I know for a fact that she was very annoyed at that. Is it any surprise that she is no longer in the picture?

brit
brit
6 years ago

I’m proud to say I repaired my dishwasher twice, buying the parts on Amazon and following youtube repair videos, and installed the insides of two toilet tanks.
I also replaced the batteries in our smoke alarms, Replacing smoke alarm batteries looked simple, but for over 20 years I watched X change our smoke alarm batteries and it would take him almost an entire afternoon, with deep sighs, climbing up and down the ladder, giving me dirty looks, stomping through the house, slamming doors. When the time came to replace our smoke alarm batteries I almost called the fire department or a handyman. As I was about to call the fire department, I decided to try replacing the batteries, I climbed on the ladder pulled the old batteries and installed the new batteries, no problem, and within 15 minutes all the smoke alarms had fresh batteries. ha!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

Brit, first of all, fixing a dishwasher is MIGHTY (I wouldnt even try) and I TOTALLY get how the nowgonecheater adds piles of drama to any task they do to convince us of their toil…mine acted like a giant ass while doing the taxes…he was overtly abusive SCREAMING at me to scamper around the house finding whatever document he demanded…it was hellish.

The second year after he died, I did my own taxes and when I finished, I was like “that was it? that was what he chose to abuse me over, that asshole”.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

OMG Unicornomore,
“THIS”
The doing of the TAXES!

Bless your heart, I bet you smile when you do them yourself (and you know just where each needed damn piece of paper is!) ?

Girl, no doubt about it, YOU are MIGHTY!
Hugs!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Beth,
Just read your post regarding taxes,
I already believed you are mighty, ( I always learn from your posts),and now there is no doubt in my mind!
BETH, you go girl!
MIGHTY looks so good on you ladies!

A Happy Week-end and hugs to ALL Chumps!
You ALL bring sunshine and happiness no matter where you abide on this beautiful earth!

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I did our taxes for years because … lazy entitlement. So my moment in which anger gave me strength was to tell my ex NO, I will not do keep doing your taxes, now that you’ve thrown away our relationship and your kids’ family for a slunt! Sheesh, what do these people have in place of a brain?

And I have to say, I had been quite proud the first time I did those taxes alone, w/my salaried job, his sometimes salaried/sometimes consulting, my side-line business income, and the income and expenses from the one rental property we own. It sounded so complicated! But really … with the software they have now, my cat could probably do it. It’s more the intimidation factor ….

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I ran a rather profitable vintage furniture business from home for a couple of years when my kids where young. Asshats work didn’t come close to being a living wage and a normal job didn’t work around kindergarten.
I would deliver to buyers (with my four year old in the van) and would need help lifting the items into my van which I would reverse to the garage.
He did not help in this business but sure enjoyed the profits. The song and dance that came and the bitching and moaning when asked to help me load the van, seriously three minutes work was un fucking real. Should have left then, he was jealous of my success. My kids gave me more help than that selfish prick.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh my gosh, YES!! My ex is a CPA and manages the finances for a big company but every year when he did our personal taxes you would think he was put on a rack and tortured. Lots of snarky comments about how I would have to do them the next year because why should HE be punished every year (because you’re an ACCOUNTANT dip shit). So when I decided to end the marriage I did my own taxes using the same readily available tax software he always used. It was so fucking easy I couldn’t believe it! All that fussing… All you do is answer the questions and plug in the numbers where appropriate. I did my own taxes and both of my kids’ that year and the years since and never looked back. I think maybe if he hadn’t spent so much time wanking off to porn between plugging in the numbers he wouldn’t have found it so difficult. Clearly multi tasking wasn’t his thing. 😉

P.S. I’m always amused by the striking parallels in chump stories about their cheaters. It’s like they are all just pieces made out of the same dingy mold. No originality at all.

JoAnne F.
JoAnne F.
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

When anything would need to be repaired, I would get a sick feeling. In addition to the drama, “he” was a Master of Disaster. Ham fisted, careless, reckless. Anything he put his hands to would be much worse off afterwards. Destroyed.

I would hide what needed to be fixed or so, No! It’s okay. I will call someone to fix it.

I believed for years that he was just clumsy and a poor handyman. And then I read this bizarre short story about a woman who leaves a man because he was always accidentally hurting her- smashing her toe, causing a bruise, breaking things.

She suddenly realized, that even though he mimed regret and disbelief that she was ending up with broken plates, bones and bruises….she began to understand it was no accident.

When I think of all the things he smashed, I realize now he wanted it to be my face. Funny how, when he was playing golf- careful as a heart surgeon.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  JoAnne F.

Wow! What short story?

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Kind of manes you wonder, Beth, that doing something that easy (with the software) is what he chose to make his life’s work. Well, maybe his true life’s work is jumping from partner to partner, ….

Not dissing CPAs in general, I know that it’s not totally boilerplate for them. But simple tax work should be a walk in the park for them.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Aeronaut

Aeronaut, you’re right on to it. Their true life’s work is jumping from partner to partner or rather, walking over a bridge made of interlocked partners, because as we all know, there are no gaps, the partners overlap.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago

I demolished his homemade bar in the basement with the help of a sledgehammer and a good friend. When we finally kicked the last of the crappy structure to the ground with a victory howl, it was as cathartic as it was metaphorical.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Sounds like you now have the makings of a nice bon fire 🙂

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

sledgehammers are great therapy. I destroyed three raised bed gardens and yes, it was cathartic!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

When Nowdeadcheater was alive, he bought a big house (with a big yard) that we couldn’t afford and he refuse to to take proper care of. I had 5 dependents in the house when he died who all refused to help and I nearly drowned in cleaning/maintenance (especially when I broke my arm).

I thought of selling the big house but the moment was never right. One mighty day I decided to dig up a section of lawn where grass wouldnt grow and make planting beds…hella project. NDC would have had a conniption and new boyfriend would have questioned the idea, but I stood with shovel in hand…looked to my right and to my left and realized that I was the only grown up there, it was MY house (dammit) and I wanted to dig up that part of the yard. Digging commenced.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I should have added…I considered selling the house but instead kept it which was good since it worked out well when I remarried. Col Greatguy hired a lawn service and got me a cleaning lady and pays for everything to be fixed that we cant figure out ourselves.

My wedding gift to him was a redone bathroom where we wouldnt annoy each other with limited space…I designed every inch of it, hired contractors to do the technical stuff but created a wonderful space with a special shower head installed extra high for his tall self. There was a corner of the bathroom where the contractor suggested a boring closet…oh no, that spot was perfect for a fabulous antique european armoire his XW left behind when she dumped him…yes that will do just fine.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Love it hope I find a nice tall hottie one day.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

You will Lady B and he is a lucky man!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Love this story! You are so mighty UNM!!

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago

I am terrified of electricity but nevertheless replaced four light fixtures in the place I bought post-divorce. By myself. Peering at YouTube video instructions about a zillion times before each step to be sure I wasn’t doing it wrong. The four included the big dining room fixture. Replaced the switch on that one, too. Definitely something I never thought I’d be able to do.

I removed popcorn ceiling by myself as well. That is one rough job!

I can’t say I was angry at the time. It had settled more into determination.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Holy crap I’m painting popcorn ceiling what a nightmare. Started last year and asshat sat on his phone and did not lift a finger, too tired from work, yes I work also. God I put up with crap.
I have wanted to change light fixtures but am worried that you should be a licensed electrician, should I care? Watched you tube also and learnt how to. Should I just do it, those 80s fixtures are awful.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B…..Good going! My STBX cheater/liar/pervert/porn degenerated did not know how to fix anything! And….he was always “occupied” with other things (ball games on TV, webcam hoes). Worthless loser!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Saw a video on how to install thin wood planking over popcorn ceiling…looks cool. When redoing my bathroom, I tried to scrape popcorn ceiling for like 20 seconds (no joke) and instead got the contractors to put a thin 1/8 inch layer of smooth sheetrock over the popcorn. You are all mighty!

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh careful, chumps! I am assuming popcorn ceiling is what we call a textured ceiling? They contain asbestos, and should only be removed by licensed asbestos removers.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

The secret is to paint over the popcorn, let it moisten a few minutes, then scrape it off. It’s a bit counterintuitive but the paint loosens it. I used cheap white contractors grade, lots of it. But it’s not a job I would do again! It helped that I knew I was replacing the carpet so no worries about protecting the floor.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yes the planking is great. I will keep that it mind for eventually bathroom renos. I purchased the paint runner pro which is making the ceiling painting sooo much quicker and easier then normal rollers. It does however take a huge amount of paint. My bedroom will probably tale 12 litres.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Light fixtures are easy. Moving electrical boxes and such maybe not but a lot of fixtures are just match the colored wires and twist them together with one of those plastic wire cap things, then secure to the ceiling. You can do it!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Thanks Shelby this is what I need. I’m going to do it! Goodbye 1980s stained glasses pendant and bunker lights.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady b

Shelby is right. 90% of the time was me fretting and fussing and checking the instructions again. And winding electrical tape and inspecting it six times, lol.

Oh, but be sure to flip the circuit breaker and be sure the power to that part of the house is offline. Very important.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Will do thanks

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago

I made the snow blower my bitch. Clearing our large driveway had been his job (you know, for the one winter he lived in our brand new 3 bedroom ranch in the country before deciding he was done with family life forever). This winter in NY was horrible. It must have snowed enough to require snow-blowing at least a dozen times or more. He offered to come around and do it for me. I thought to myself “Fuck that”, and I proceeded to push that mother-effrr up our driveway every time, by myself, ice and snow accumulating on my eyelashes and hair, fingers nearly frostbit, and lungs piercing with the cold. But I would be damned if I let myself and my son be stuck in our house because of a few inches of powered precipitation. One time a pin broke, and I had no idea how to fix it (spoiler: there’s usually extra pins somewhere on the machine, to save future Chumps out there trouble!) I shoveled the driveway by hand! Cause fuck him, that’s why. Yeah, I cried while I did it a few times. I was furious that this was my life now, that I was alone, that he had promised to help me and be there for me forever – but I never quit. Now I’ve moved into my own apartment with my son, and I don’t need a snow blower and I don’t need an asshole for a husband either!

I started salsa dancing, I’ve continued to homeschool my son (albeit I’m taking it easier for both of us!) and working on my business from home. I’m determined to be successful so that I can one day earn more money doing this side-job (that I love and started on my own while being a SAHM) than Douche-bag Saggy Balls does. That would be the sweetest revenge of all.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

Love your second-to-the-last sentence!

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

I love the last sentence of your first paragraph!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

Love your first sentence!

I want to make more money than cheater x too. I did when we first met. A long time ago. I was good at creating wealth – generating income, managing expenses, and saving. He was good at spending! I will not depend on someone else to pay the bills again.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

Hahahahaha, ….”I made the snow blower my bitch!”

Be True To Yourself
Be True To Yourself
6 years ago

I booked a week’s mountain biking holiday in the Atlas Mountains of Morocco without telling him and just went.
I wanted to challenge myself physically and mentally, to scare myself.
It was unbelievably exhilarating, hurtling down off-road tracks on rocks with hairpin bends and steep drops to the side. I have never felt so alive but terrified at the same time.
It felt like a massive “fuck you” to the cheater and I loved it.

Attie
Attie
6 years ago

After the Twat moved in with the Skank (think fat ankles, plain face and drunk most of the time), one of the top guys where I work started asking me out. I wasn’t interested but he was persistent so eventually we got together. Ex must have heard about it and was furious that I was seeing Mr. Top Guy (who I had known for 25 years) and he was stuck with his dowdy, drunken peasant. Anyway, I digress. I had some air miles to use up so booked a solo holiday to Marrakech for a week. My kids were older so not a problem leaving them at home. One of the kids must have told ex because I got a stinking text message about how “AS THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY COMMON COURTESY TO LET ME KNOW YOU WERE GOING AWAY”! I was furious so I wrote back that “AS THE FATHER OF MY CHILDREN I WOULD HAVE THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY COMMON COURTESY TO GIVE ME A THUMBS UP BEFORE HE STARTED FUCKING HIS PEASANT”! Told him to mind his own business and drop off the face of the earth why don’t you. So then he wants to know how I can afford to go to Morocco. Again, mind your own business but I don’t spend every evening buying rounds at the OK Corral Bar and how much does two packets of cigarettes per day cost anyway! I loved Marakesh and am dead impressed by your biking through the Atlas mountains.

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago

Mid-divorce I took my dog to a dog camp for a week. What a great experience. Could never have done it with the ex.

And part of it was an ‘F you, I’m busting out.’

Diane
Diane
6 years ago
Reply to  Ohana

Ohana, where was the dog camp, and do you stay there for the week? I’m intrigued!

Ohana
Ohana
6 years ago
Reply to  Diane

Hi Diane, It was in upstate New York. Unfortunately they don’t do it any more though you can book a stay there with your dog. The grounds are a fantastic place to spend time with your dog. The camp included lectures, classes and all kinds of activities to try — tracking, agility, you name it. The dogs were off leash the entire week and the people were great.

Be True To Yourself
Be True To Yourself
6 years ago

Should add that I was 58 yrs old at the time, so that’s how insane I was, but I survived and was fine .

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

biking the hills of Morocco…that is badass mighty

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

You rock!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

The day after D-day I went out and found out what help I could get with rent and other benefits. I knew I couldn’t rely on STBX to do anything he said he would do. He had confessed to his large gambling debts at the same time as his affair. I knew I needed to protect myself and my son financially. He had already proved he was not thinking about us in the slightest so I needed to be pro active because no one else was going to do it. I haven’t been able to do any big DIY jobs yet but I have been growing a baby which I think is a good enough excuse.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Yes it is!!!! You are MIGHTY MAMA-to-be!

Aeronaut
Aeronaut
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Growing a new human is the ultimate DIY job, pregnant chump. Good luck with it all.

Hugs. Strength. Peace.
aeronaut

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

While I can’t weld or bolt down toilets, like many here I found doing some of these things to feel pretty mighty:

– I filed.

– I included upholding the pre-nup (where he got nothing)… whereas before I filed I had offered him a cash settlement which he refused. SO – not only did I get everything I brought into the marriage… HE OWED ME FOR MARITAL DEBT! WIN.

– I sat through custody mediation like a professional poker player… at the end of it, Mr. Sparkles asked for 50/50. I slapped a manilla folder down on the table (contents were all of his online personal ad profiles, pictures, craigslists hookers, etc.)… and I said NOPE. We had already been separated for a year and had a steady visitation schedule in place and our son was thriving. He wimpered, but quickly caved in.

– He came to my house and threatened me with a libel suit (said he OW was going to file one) if I didn’t drop the adultery cause of action. I kept my cool and said, “I trust my lawyer’s counsel, thanks. It isn’t libel. You did it and I have proof.” There’s the door.

– For the first year after the discard, I picked me danced. Then… just like Forrest Gump when he was running… I just stopped. I took off my dance shoes and drew VERY CLEAR BOUNDARIES… which subsequently earned me the title of BITCH. Yeah, Mr. Sparkles… that is YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir.

– And lastly… I did it… I know I should’ve let karma handle it… but I was damned if he was going to ride off into the sunset with a rich girl… suffice to say, I made sure she saw what was inside that envelope… all of it. Turns out, she was willing to be the OW… but she wasn’t willing to share. Funny that.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Yah!! “YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir.” !!!

I saw this on a coffee cup: You say “Bitch” like it’s a bad thing.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

Bitch=Being In Total Control of Herself! BOOOOM!

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Love it
Mine narc calls me that when I am mighty and stand up to his bs.

ElleB
ElleB
6 years ago

that is YOUR ROYAL HIGHNESS BITCH to you, sir. OMG…that is the best!!!!!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
6 years ago
Reply to  ElleB

Bravo!!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago

I was nearly paralyzed with fear about taking care of the house and grounds. In truth, this issue hits at the core of my lifelong hope of having a partner because I feared not being able to take care of myself and have a home without help. So for me, taking on this challenge was the most important aspect of my growth after DDay.

Here, I’ve got trees that fall, that drop leaves faster than a person can rake–and that clog the gutters 5 minutes after I clear them. I’ve got hills to mow. I’ve got the swamp on what I call “the lower 40.” I’ve got large hoofed critters who dine on my perennials. I’ve got woodpeckers that drill holes in the side of the house. And the truth is that I would never have stayed here had the Jackass not promised (eh) that he would be here to help manage it all. I could have sold the place and bought something more manageable. He didn’t make it to the first dropping leaf.

The first fall I was paralyzed by his gaslighting and just struggling to survive. I recall raking leaves at midnight in November, trying to get the yard cleaned up before the first snowfall. The following summer, I had a yard tractor that wouldn’t run and I mowed everything by hand, hours and hours of pushing a hand mower up and down hills through tall grass, as friends tried to fix equipment on the cheap and lots of people talked about helping me but didn’t. I was terrified by the expenses of fixing stuff, of buying equipment I could manage. I was afraid of the mysteries of maintaining heavy gas-powered stuff but up against the limits of electric when the yard is bigger than a bedspread.

The turning point came when I realized I needed to get real and take some capital out of my meager retirement and get a grip on the problems. I got the tractor fixed by a pro. I bought an ion- battery operated weed whacker and leaf blower. I paid a pro to paint the house. I made mistakes and picked myself up. I conquered the fear of mowing downhill. I learned how to solve the problem of getting the mower unstuck if I ventured into the swamp or on a rock I couldn’t see. I sat on the grass and cried a lot, then picked myself up and began again.

And I learned to ask for help. Jackass had terrified me by finding major, expenses flaws everywhere he looked. The shed was collapsing, the bathroom had to be gutted, on and on, according to Mr. Know-it-All. So I asked the head of maintenance at work to come out and evaluate the place. He assured me that all was fine and gave useful suggestions about what to prioritize. My biggest helper was the Very Kind Man, even before we started dating. He came over with professional leaf-blowing equipment and mad skills and helped me make a plan that I could execute. He kept the gutters clean because the roof is (metaphorically) a bridge too far. What I will never forget is how he made me do things for myself, with his support and encouragement. I get weepy just thinking about how that empowered me.

But what I learned was that males have no magic powers in terms of house and lawn care. What I needed was courage, a clear head, and equipment. I needed good advice, some of which I have to pay for because experts need to eat, too. I had to invest. Money in my meager retirement account won’t help me if this major asset goes downhill. So I invest in my home because once paid for it will provide low-cost shelter if I decide to retire at some point. And even when things go bad in spectacular ways (4 trees down in a storm) and I feel scared and alone, I will make it. I can do whatever I am called on to do.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thanks for the inspiring story!

Nora
Nora
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

So empowering to read this. Any tips for what to do about the woodpecker holes in the side of my house?

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ, I didnt know you were taking care of such a big spot of earth while you dished out fabulous advice to CN…you are mighty !! I have one acre of grass/landscape and an acre of trees to deal with and I know about leaves falling faster than I could rake and broken tractors. Im terribly impressed with what you learned to do – ponds and mowing downhill…I bow to the Queen !

There are now times when I stand in the middle of all of it and look at MY lawn and MY fucking forest and like to remind myself that its mine. Neener neener. I am a nurse and live in a neighborhood with a lot of doctors and they dont know what the hell to make of me. winning

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Oh, I know the “my fucking forest” feeling. My fucking deer! And squirrels! We are mighty warrior queens….

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Courage, a clear head, and equipment. Most empowering words LAJ! I think I can do that. Thanks for inspiring me with that phrase!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Yep, same here! My fucking house, car, yard and YES my fucking acorns! (Asswipe came by one day and raked them up.) Those are MY fucking acorns!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

Let’s see…I took down the ? wallpaper in my master bathroom and painted it lavender (the color I wanted), started my own vegetable garden, replaced the floor in another bathroom, my laundry room and repainted same laundry room.

I couldn’t get my ex to do jack around the house, always an excuse. Doing these jobs not only proved I am mighty, but it also was thumbing my nose to the ex. I was showing him ” You are not the boss of me!”

tulip444
tulip444
6 years ago

My cheater wouldn’t admit he was cheating and aside from just knowing in my heart what was going on, all I had was circumstantial evidence. For years he denied and I pick me danced and spackled until I couldn’t take it anymore. Finally, I hired a private investigator and had him followed. He was so easy to catch I got a refund! it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. I felt worse than a cheater having him spied on but I had to do it or he would have blamed our entire divorce on my “not being happy enough, social enough, etc”. Then I had two emails all ready to send to him. One with the photos and video attached and the second one instructing him to pack up and get the hell out. We faked it on the weekends for a couple weeks until we had a chance to tell the kids, but he’s basically been out ever since. He’s a lying coward!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  tulip444

Being a coward is characteristic of cheaters! Mine was a cowardly sissy-man too.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

I’m a tomboy and do pretty much anything and everything but never mowed a lawn as I am asthmatic. Worked out the lawn mower and off I went.

outoftheblue
outoftheblue
6 years ago

I learned to rollerskate with the local roller derby team, well, not fluently, but a bit; I was 57 and was worried about breaking something and having to cope with it on my own, but it was something new. I didn’t keep it up but it felt good to do something out of my comfort zone. I did a couple of women’s self-defence sessions and some long walks including up a mountain. that adrenaline rush then tackled operatioin divorce. It’s not lasted but I got the garden into shape and grew some veggies I’ve visited my parents several hours away regularly, which is something I couldn’t do before, and I’ve visited friends and gone to art galleries without someone whining that I was going on my own. I took motorway driving lessons and without someone sitting beside me moaning how bad a driver I was discovered that actually, I could drive reasonably well. Later with depression, things haven’t been as good, but when they were at worst they were better than the best when he was there

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago

I purged like an insane person. The most fun was the attic. Cheaterturds thing was having me buy him toys, he got a gorgeous truck, $50k brand new, this thing was gorgeous. Was he happy : nope. He then proceeded to change everything in it, different tires, rims, seats, headlights, tail lights etc. and every time he swapped something out he would shove the perfectly fine things in the attic. He also did the same thing with the half dozen motorcycles I bought him. The attic became a graveyard of this crap that he wouldn’t get rid of. In one of my productive rages I decided I was gonna clean it out. Problem was it was all so HEAVY. So I stood at the top of the attic stairs and literally pushed this shit out, it went to the floor and in most cases exploded from the drop. Could I probably have sold the crap, yea but it felt way better to watch it implode on impact. My attic (and all the closets in my house) are now empty and I LOVE IT!!! Gives me great pleasure and I feel light and airy every time I look at them!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

I sold Pervy Pants’ expensive power tools at a yard sale- for pennies on the dollar! I accidentally gave all his clothing to Goodwill- whoops!

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
6 years ago

I didn’t kill myself.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

Chumpity….Hugs to you dear fellow Chump. With one foot in front of the other- march on dear lady! Please reach out to a trusted friend/family member/clergy/counselor if you are feeling like you can’t go on.

I felt that way too – for months after d-day. If you have kids…..please, please, please hang in there! You count…..you matter to this world! Now pick up your boobs and march on dear lady!

KathleenK
KathleenK
6 years ago

Chumpitty – I hope you are feeling ok today. I appreciate you posting your comment as a good reminder that there are newer chumps whose every breath pretty much hurts. And then there are the older ones – I am 3 years out. I am feeling so much better!! A nice man I have met before asked me out at the driving range today. My jaw dropped. Was not expecting that! I am almost healed and I am getting a life. But I remember well what it felt like walking around like a zombie for 2 years. The pain was a constant companion. I truly believed I would never feel better.

So you wonderful, hurting, early-days chumps? I’m sending you my warmest thoughts. You are not alone. It WILL get better. It will.

Sweetz
Sweetz
6 years ago

I didn’t kill HIM.

JoAnne F.
JoAnne F.
6 years ago

That is the most powerful statement I have read. I flirted with that as well, and it still will creep up. My problem is a lack of motivation and energy.

As in, lead in the bones. Too tired to get and make things happen. It is one year out. I hope some zest comes my way. Perhaps it is chemical….low dopamine. I exercise and fall back into bed.

I would add to not killing myself- I did not kill him.

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  JoAnne F.

Please Read up on adrenal burnout. If this is the case exercise or anything strenuous will make you feel worse. Read up on adaptagenic herbs, they truly are amazing. Ashwagandha is brilliant for burnout and also builds muscle and is good for hormone regulation and depression. Available cheaply on eBay. It has saved me from the brink of emotional and physical collapse. I had adrenal burnout after having shingles, stress induced from living with wing nut.
Natural, non addictive and with mainly no side effects.

chumpittychumpchump
chumpittychumpchump
6 years ago
Reply to  JoAnne F.

And I did not kill her.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
6 years ago

I feel the same. Thank you for saying just that because it is a struggle every day. Even the days I feel good and okayish something will come along and broadside me and I’m back in bed sobbing for hours on end. I know eventually I’ll feel not like that but right now it doesn’t feel that way.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Thanks for that chumpity chumpchump! I was just reading all these stories of the great things chumps have done feeling like wow, I really suck because I am not doing all that. Maybe there will be days like that but today it is just a struggle not to go back to bed and cry. Today is what should be our 27th anniversary. It doesn’t bother me consciously but maybe underneath. What bothers me is my son had dinner with him last night and I got a report. I am in the heat of divorce so some of the information is useful to me. I hope I can avoid this talk once the divorce is final but it is looking like that will be awhile.

Son said stbx told him he is the happiest he has ever been which is a crazy thing to say. Four of five kids either don’t have any contact with him or rarely. He tell the son who sees him about once a week the only job he has for him this summer is 4 hours away and when son tells him of a lead on a local job, he says you will only make minimum wage rather than encourage. His dad is dying of ALS. This is the happiest he has ever been?

When son first arrives home, he says I think I have dad figured out. Dad told him that he is debt free and he doesn’t owe anybody anything so he asked him what are you going to do, disappear? He says : I might. Just give the business to mom and go off and fish. Now isn’t that mature? Doesn’t owe anybody anything. It is all about money, who cares about the needs of his children, who cares about other people’s feelings. It is all about him and I am sure schmoopie will always enjoy making it all about him.

I’ m preoccupied with whether I should go to God child’s wedding in July. Her mother is stbx’s mothers sister and she is in agreement that what he did is wrong but she wants a Swiss wedding where she welcome’s all but I just don’t feel up to facing mil who is completely supportive of stbx. It won’t be known until the last whether or not they will come because of the ALS but I have to respond by next week. I am leaning towards no today but still considering.

Apologies if I have added gloom to your tales of mightynes I will be there someday and I no chumps are very forgiving. For me, today’s mighty ness will rest in trying to stay present for my children and get a few more documents together for the courts.-

Grace In Motion
Grace In Motion
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

My friends, it took me five years to finally feel OK again. If you wake up in the morning and you provide for those that depend on you as best as you can and do not harm yourself, you are mighty. While we all have the same heartache in common, we are all individuals in how we respond to it and how long it takes us. Read the mightiness that had been posted as your future and be proud that you are still with us today. *hugs*

Grace In Motion
Grace In Motion
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Gloom? Not one bit of it. You’re going to be fantastic on that Tuesday. Go to the Swiss wedding or don’t. . Do what is best for you. Worry about no one else. If you do decide to go, make sure you rock it. Hold your head high and show everyone what an amazing soul you are.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Hi Feelingit, we all have/had those dark days. Keeping it together and getting out of bed today was your mightiness! It does get better, I promise. (((((Hugs)))))

Garden Mama
Garden Mama
6 years ago

I agree with the others. Closed curtains and not wanting to get out of bed were my staple activity after I got the kids to school. I am 18 months from discovering all the lies and starting something positive didn’t come until I was ready.
I’m still alive and the liar can’t take that away from me.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Garden Mama

Garden Mama- after d-day….I was in a state of Zombie-Funk. I was carrying on…..but I was completely “out of it.” I don’t remember much about this past November till late April.

I was operating on raw will power to get my house cleaned up, repaired, packed and sold. I did it too! I don’t remember doing a lot of it. But…..the day I sold it….I started coming out of the Zombie-Funk.

I painted the “dick pic bathroom” (the master bath where he took pictures of his dick for internet hook up sites)- with a rage! I painted: Fucking disgusting pervert- across the walls with the new paint!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Errors galore but it should read know chumps not no!

Calgal1
Calgal1
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit, June 9th would have been my 27th wedding anniversary too. My coward “ran” a month before our 25th. In cliche fashion he was boinking his married, 15 years younger, employee. I remember the early days when I thought a gun in my mouth might be my only solace. Fortunately, 3 kids and 2 aging parents are the focus that kept me alive.

Trust everyone when they tell you you are mighty. You will continue to be the sane and present parent to your children, you will continue to find strength you never would have believed you have.

Some days, my mighty was being showered and dressed when my daughter returned home from school. I have since painted bedrooms, assembled the dreaded IKEA furniture alone, and updated the main bathroom, including the tub and shower fixtures. After a season of an uncontrolled half acre yard, I kept everything neat this year. I recently entered the workforce after 23 years at home managing the household and raising children. My youngest was recently accepted to college at her dream school, which happens to be a top public university in our state (and nation). I take credit for this, because her father lives nearly an hour away with the whore and her two young kids, while my daughter has spent her last two years of high school 100% with me. I’ve been overseeing the care of aging parents, one on hospice with late stage Alzheimer’s, and continue to try to provide guidance to another child with a severe mental health diagnosis. I’m still standing.

As there is a company that is a major marital asset, my divorce is high conflict and still ongoing. The slunt is the bookkeeper for the company, so the cheating duo are working hard to cook the books, while my forensic accountant racks up hours untangling everything. Again, I’m still standing. And I know however the divorce settlement goes down, I will still be better off than him. I have an inner peace about who I am, the respect of some wonderful friends, and children that know I will always be there for them. He has none of that.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Calgal1

Calgal Amazing to hear the similarities-it is comforting even though it is unfortunate.

I am in the process of doing something productive with anger and feeling somewhat strong today- a big part from things I read on these threads- stbx’s grandmother passed away yesterday- she was 94 and in a nursing home. I think she was a narc and passed it to her daughter who passed it to my stbx.

One of her other daughters is very supportive of me but wants to be Switzerland. My first inclination was that I would have to suck it up and go to the funeral 3 1/2 hours away. But after comments here and putting myself first, I have decided that is not my job anymore and I don’t have to accept being treated so badly by mil or Stbx.

Someone’s comment yesterday about being 100 percent no contact really inspired me. My kids don’t want to go either and probably won’t. ( only one is even considering it) Cheater didn’t even contact them for 24 hours and even then it was just a text filled with orders for them to contact their grandmother and express their sympathy. WTH, whose protocol is that? He doesn’t care how they feel.

I will probably be made to look bad but I know the truth and will stay strong with chump support!

zyx321
zyx321
6 years ago

((( HUGS ))) we are glad you are here.
My daughter made one attempt and planned another…. every day is a step upward.

Thankful
Thankful
6 years ago

I went to NEW YORK CITY, from Australia (never been out of the country before) for a week while EX declared his undying love in marriage to another trusting love bombed female, while the congregation tried to reconcile in their heads the bullshit they were hearing and the incongruence they were seeing. My EX, looked like he was channelling Peter Allan in tan pants and an open neck shirt with a big ugly brass cross around his neck, while his new wife declared him to be the spiritual head of their newly formed family (her and her kids and mine every second weekend) while she would be his helper (aka door mate, willing facade, CHUMP!) I am also currently 6 months out from completing my degree.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Hahaha!!

No! Wait! That dumbass that just declared Cheater to be the head of their family? She has made a terrible mistake!!! OMG

We’ll be seeing her here soon —

Joy
Joy
6 years ago

Oh man – a year after D day I was still a wreck. The D day coincided with a move out of state, which added whole levels of dram and trauma to my side of things, but I ended up making an acquaintance with a guy a bit younger than I. I didn’t see myself as dateable or attractive, but I made a point to be out and about with my son, and I did my best to appear normal so I could make new friends and start over as best as I could.

So this new aquaintance started to become a genuine friend. I was volunteering at church often and he was an employee – I got to see him be himself with others and I genuinely admired him, but I still felt like walking roadkill so I wasn’t thinking about dating. I honestly thought he was just being nice to a hurting person at church.

One day, I realized that my new friend was flirting with me – very mellow like, but he was definitely twinkling in my direction. Part of me was thrilled but an equal if not greater part of me was not ready in any way at all for any kind of love interest. It was too soon. I was still a mess. I didn’t want to make a fool of myself, or rebound, or be victim to the first guy who comes around- but mostly I wasn’t ready. I was still not sleeping and I had horrible bouts of the “divorce coma” where I couldn’t function. The conundrum of it made me feel more awful than I already had been feeling.

Then I overheard someone asking him if they could hook him up with a friend of theirs and I realized that if I let this guy pass on, I would deeply regret it. He was a wonderful man regardless of what my X had done to me. I told myself I had a choice between too problems, both of which would require some effort from me – 1) passing up on a wonderful man and watching him move on to someone else or 2) having a wonderful man “too soon.” I decided that I wasn’t going to let the waves of my X dominate my life so I decided right there in the church parking lot “oh screw it. I’m going for it.”

And we dated, and after the dates I handled my panic attacks about it quietly and deliberately. I kept my new friend in one compartment and my processing about my X in another. It may sound crazy but it worked for me. I learned that my friend had his own traumas in life and we had a lot to offer each other. I learned that having a best friend is amazing. I had been “on ice” for years while my x had been having his affairs and living his other life while extracting value from me as the money maker and mother. While I was still putting the past in the past, I gave myself permission to enjoy someone and be enjoyed. My personality would have been to grieve indefinitely – even just die in a heap. I wasn’t prepared in any way for what happened to my marriage. Moving on with my new friend was my mightiest effort.

We got married and i was pregnant by the end of the first year, with me at 42 years old. My x had nixed the idea of a second child about the same time as when he decided to be unfaithful. I didn’t agree with him but he had told me I didn’t have a choice. On D day I had two blows “you’re leaving me???” And “I only have one child because of you!!!” Oh what a nightmare that was. I cry just writing it down. To be happily married to someone who likes me and laughs with me, who actually loves me and I can feel it – to have another child, for my older son to have a brother – all of this that is normal for other people is like a storybook ending for me. This fall will be 6 years from my D day and now I can say it was the best thing that ever happened to me, given who I was actually married to. I definitely feel mighty when I look at my life now. Thank you for letting me share this.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Joy

So happy for you Joy! Thank you for sharing your awesome story!