Rejected Him and Now He’s Badmouthing Me
She rejected her field hockey coach, he got violent, and now he’s badmouthing her. What should she say if he starts to hoover again?
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Dear Chump Lady,
My situation isn’t quite a chump story. I thankfully dodged a massive bullet. Still, it has left scars. And the FW wants to come back and reconcile, to use me again. How can I get rid of him without striking him with an axe?
He’s the arrogant type, so will think my rejection is a game of me playing hard to get.
Here’s the short of it. My father sexually abused me when I was a child. I’ve dealt with that and got a lot of counselling and the police etc were involved. I’m 44, no kids, never married but love my cats, nieces and siblings.
I’m an avid field hockey player and was advised by my doctor to start playing again for my health and general wellbeing. After a few false starts, I thought I had finally found a team and a good coach. His name was Tommy. He was around 24 years old. I had no interest in him at first, except wanting to impress him on the pitch and my goal was hockey. I had given up on relationships as there is a stigma against people like me and I had made my peace with that.
But Tommy started taking an interest in me.
He led me on — and even contacted me using a fake number and did all sorts of weird crap. He basically abused his position as coach. Anyway, I left his club because he was too weird and too flirty with all the other hockey girls.
When I left to join the new club, he badmouthed me to it, saying all sorts of crazy things about me. This led to me being bullied by bitchy females in the new club. It was also around this time I found out Tommy had been hiding a girlfriend and a child. I was gutted, even though I knew deep down he wasn’t who he said he was.
I’m so glad I never gave in to him. I think he was upset because I had wounded his ego and the resultant smear campaign was a way to make himself feel better.
But he has ousted me out of the hockey community and caused a lot of other problems in my life. I have since learned he now has a second baby mamma and a new child and there are also rumours flying about that he is secretly gay. I think he uses women as a shield to hide his true nature.
He doesn’t know I know all this and I think he is trying to come back into my life.
I’m afraid of him and would like the correct words to say to him if I ever have the misfortune to meet his sorry ass again. I think he thinks I’ve got money as I’m an older woman.
I’m glad I stood up to this creep, but it came at a cost. He became angry and violent during training. I reported him to the sports authority in my area so that if he ever tries to abuse his position as a coach again, that they’ll have a precedent on which to help his future victims, which I’m sure there will be.
I’m not sure if I should be writing into a domestic violence blog or something, but since we were never in an intimate relationship and I kind of avoided chumpdom with him I’m writing into you.
I feel as if he raped me mentally when he led me on. Even though I was attracted to him, it was more because of his insistence. You know, the wide eyes, love bombing etc. But my history with sexual abuse has made me very picky who I give into and this is ironically what savd me in the end. I listened to my intuition and it saved me. I could have been his second baby mamma had I given in.
Unfortunately though, resisting him and standing up to him cost me my reputation and my hockey career.
Now I think he wants to come back and apologise to me, and maybe even make me baby mama number 3. (the thought of this makes me want to vomit).
I have fantasies where I’m killing him. So, with that in mind, would you have any smart, cutting words that I could hurl at him, in short, a way of getting back at him without me being arrested? The guy has made me hypervigilent and given me CPTSD. I’m afraid to even go watch a hockey match now incase I bump into the FW.
He also is very thin and I’m pretty sure has a pencil dick. Not that that matters, but it makes me feel better writing it. Would it be very bad of me to call him that if I ever see him again?
Thanks for your help,
Molly
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Dear Molly,
I have no snappy rejoinders for predators.
STAY NO CONTACT!
As tempting as it might be in your fantasies to match his badmouthing with your own clever insults, that’s still engagement. It’s kibbles. It feeds him the power and centrality he craves. DO NOT DO IT.
Look, I don’t pretend to understand the politics of field hockey clubs, but after you reported him, then what? Was there an investigation? Did anyone else come forward? Was the bullying you experienced at the second club because you were a whistleblower?
I’m sorry you lost this sport to a FW. I hope you can start a club of your own, or become a woman field hockey coach, or find a new sport to be passionate about. This is a real loss. But please don’t give this creep more power to hurt you.
You stood up to him.
Your bravery is commendable. It seems like most people in your circle are content to be in his harem of wannabes. I suspect your previous experience with an abuser gave you spidey senses the more fortunate don’t possess. So, please do not second guess your mightiness.
It was also around this time I found out Tommy had been hiding a girlfriend and a child. I was gutted, even though I knew deep down he wasn’t who he said he was.
Remind yourself of that.
HE IS NOT WHO HE PRESENTED HIMSELF TO BE.
In this sense, you’re very much a part of our Chump Club. Love bombing feels good, of course. Abusers have hooks. But you should never, ever interpret the cessation of love bombing as “I am unloveable.” That his rejection and revenge are anything personal.
Nothing is personal with these freaks. He didn’t admire you. He thought he could use you, and when you thwarted that, and exposed him, you became an obstacle.
Not because he cares, or has hurt feelings, but because you made his predator game more difficult. That’s why he’s badmouthing you. And that’s why you fear he will return, so he can either punish you some more or try and convince you to like him again. Which just advertises to his harem “Look! I’m not scary!” and “She’s not a victim! See, she LIKES me!” Ergo. Bitch be crazy.
The solid move here is to block this guy from your life. Get some therapy for the PTSD. Maybe some door cameras.
Just because he’s pathetic, doesn’t mean he isn’t a threat.
But let’s end with pathetic. It makes you feel better to write “pencil dick” because ridicule is good medicine for bullies. He is a small, ridiculous person who can’t attract people with authenticity and connection, only fraudulence.
You’re real and far more powerful. His pencil dick should fear you. And if you ever see him again, say nothing. Because that’s what Nothing deserves.
Sadly, I can relate to a lot of this. I’ve experienced serious abuse of various sorts in childhood, too. I am single and in my forties as well. I don’t even have any siblings or extended family in my life (and I went no contact with my parents decades ago). Several times during my life, I believed I had finally found “my” people, “my” place in life etc., only to discover that some creep was taking center stage, surrounded by flying monkeys and probably a few gullible chumps. The slandering happened to me, too, and it was awful every time. My only advice would be to strictly adhere to no contact, not only with him, but also with all of his flying monkeys. Protect yourself and wait until you find better people. It may take patience, but it’s worth it.
You might look for an attorney who specializes in slander and libel to see if you have a case for slander (his spoken defamation). The attorney might be able to demand a written apology and retraction of what he said, or at least prevent a repetition if you find another club to join. Make sure your attorney knows that your doctor recommended playing this sport for medical reasons and his behavior is keeping you from it. And ask what you can safely say in response to his allegations without crossing to defamation yourself. I’m not a lawyer, but what comes to mind is, “Some men don’t like to hear the word no.”
contacted me using a fake number and did all sorts of weird crap. He basically abused his position as coach. Anyway, I left his club because he was too weird and too flirty with all the other hockey girls. When I left to join the new club, he badmouthed me to it
It’s not his club, is it? Isn’t he an employee? You can follow up with the national sport governing body (NGB) or local affiliated organization (LAO) regarding what he did. I’d also ask local law enforcement if this rises to harassment or bullying.
It’s not unusual for cheaters to badmouth exes in an attempt to banish them from mutual social circles and maintain their own images. He may also fear being outed to his baby mama(s) as a serial cheater. If you join another group without pursuing legal or association intervention, sadly he may do the same thing again.
In the meantime, have you considered getting a fresh start in another sport such as lacrosse?
So sorry this happened to you.
Uch, smear campaigns are the worst! In my experience, its not possible to counter them, you have to just live with integrity and excise the people who believe them. He’s a predator. He’s just mad that you are on to him. He’s a little creep and he’s not your problem. Stay away and train your thoughts to switch the channel. So sorry this happened to you but it’s great that you weren’t fooled and you protected yourself. (And chumps are on this website because of lies, emotional manipulation, and being made to feel frightened, lonely and confused: you’re totally in the right place.)
I think it was Mark Twain who said to never get down in the mud and wrestle with pigs -you only get dirty, and the pig likes it.
Stay strong in No Contact ❤️
There is very little difference here between a creepy Ex who smears you to a whole church and gets re- married immediately to a ” really nice girl,” (per one Pastor ) and then haunts all the places you go to looking for a word from you or even a look!!! Yes very similar to your creepy stalker liar coach. Everything and I mean everything you say to this pencil ✏️is taken as CONNECTION and power over you. Do you want that? Smart comebacks are useless and will be used as a lasso to drag you by your feet back in to his arena of centrality ,and entering his throne room. Smart retorts, emails to LEAVE ME ALONE, texts that say, hey pencil, I hate you…all that feeds the vampire more blood in your tea cup. DO NOT BREAK DOWN YOUR BOUNDARIES for anyrhing! I do catch a whiff that you could weaken and dance with this creep..DO NOT WEAKEN..get busy with other things and cut back on the obsession of the perfect come back. No No NO!! POISON.
! I have to dodge 2 Exs and stay in my own control for the rest of my life. Bully #1 and creepy stalker who is armed instability the REST OF MY LIFE unless I move to Canada. So Hang tough and NO CONTACT NO MATTER WHAT!!
I was bullied by a fellow female colleague at work. She was truly unhinged. Its obvious she has mental health issues. Screaming accusations at me. We are equals at work. I stayed calm, didnt say anything, she stormed off. Made the bitch look crazier by me doing nothing. One of my underlings said she learned from me how to handle a situation like that. I did report her. I think her instability will cause someone harm in the future and if I ever get called into an investigation I can say that I reported her and wasnt colluding in covering her up. Unfortunately there have been others filing complaints against her and the administration seems to be protecting her. This happened 2-3 yrs ago, The other day a colleague who witnessed it said to me. You know my respect for you grew after witnessing how you handled it, you didnt fight back and just took it. So yes, people need to report things to authorities, but sometimes there is just no recourse. We are not crazy enough to just keep going after them. Maybe someday they will do it to someone just as cra cra as they are.
Baby mama number three? Dude’s 24? Holy hell.
Wouldn’t it just be a wing-dang-doodle if baby mamas one and two found out that he was under investigation for allegations of abuse like that? Wouldn’t that just be keen?
You may not be a Chump(and thank what gods that you keep that you are not-though it seems like you’ve been through enough!) you have come to the right place in terms of how to deal with disordered, abusive, and predatory people.
ChumptyDumpty says it better than I could-you beat smear campaigns by living with integrity and being grey rock and calm(externally-I reckon visualizing murder or horrible car accidents involving our victimizers is quite a common phenomenon in these parts-abuse is abuse. We’ve all had to have our crying fit privately later.)
You did the right thing by blowing the whistle-particularly given that he is in a position of power. Any professional organization worth its salt has guidelines for investigation for that sort of thing. Even if yours isn’t founded/is swept under the rug there will be a paper trail…or somebody that remembers next time it happens(and it WILL happen again!). If nothing else you might have bought that particular team a period of quiet.
“The only thing necessary for evil to triumph is for good (people) to do nothing.”
I think it was suggested in a comment already(forgive me-coffee is still kicking in)-I feel like you have a golden opportunity to become a coach yourself and help steer impressionable minds away from that kind of abuse. You are approximately my age-I remember field hockey being a popular sport when I was in high school. That age group probably needs it more than ever now. You still win that way-AND you get to reclaim that little bit of your soul that you lost to this moron by keeping people like you that just have a love of the game away from people that are apparently setting up different kinds of franchises.
Have a Mighty Monday!
When people confront you about things he’s saying, laugh. Ask them, “Does that sound… probable?” I mean, he’s a 24 year old dude who already has babies by two different women. You’re in your forties with a loving family, friends, and career. He seems awfully invested in tearing you down and getting his story out there, whereas you just want to exercise and make friends, Yes, men get sexually harassed, but who is more likely to be the creep and predator in this situation?
Wait for them to answer.
Dear Molly,
The way you were treated is pretty much what happens all the time within the media and entertainment industries– or just what little people know happens because people finally began to speak up. I personally know much more because I once worked in that industry and was harassed so often (even when pregnant) that I eventually bailed entirely but not before putting two men in jail who also escalated to violence after being rejected.
Because my entire career in that industry was trauma-filled, I felt appeased when the #MeToo movement sprang up. I was also appeased when the trend began of circulating “shitty men” lists in a range of industries beyond media and showbiz which blew whistles on sexual misconduct and generally coercive and sexist behavior. Most of these list creators were chased underground by threats of lawsuits but some prominent predators were taken down in the interim, like the architect Richard Meyer (the guy whose buildings all look like Roblox restrooms) and a few Harvard instructors.
From the sound of it, nonprofessional women’s sports leagues could probably use its own “shitty” list which, like all the other lists above, could include reports on shitty women like the flying monkey trashgoblins who bullied you (legally known as “witness intimidation”) at the behest of a pervert.
In my experience, serial predators always engage flying monkeys to escalate the harassment and as a way to break victims’ resistance or destroy their lives, especially the most dangerous ones. So I would definitely recommend getting a ring camera, having your car checked for trackers and changing all your passwords.
Also in my experience, the absolute best treatment for PTSD is justice– seeing these creeps perp walked away from your premises, thrown in jail and then thrown back in jail if they break the order of protection. Man does that ever beat calling them pencil dicks to their faces… because you can bet that the guards and fellow perps in county will say much worse.
The second best treatment for PTSD I experienced was the time I couldn’t press charges because I figured out too late that a creepy manager twice my age had tried to roofie me (and then spread rumors I was secretly an escort which led to further harassment by other men)… so I took his job.
But I wish you could experience those “remedies” without the part where that freak breaks the law traumatizing you. So I hope he’s turned in by someone else before he completes whatever menacing thing he was about to do. But in support of that moment, I would recommend going to police and leaving a paper trail report of things this guy has done so far, including the violent behavior that followed your rejection. If your state has policies regarding coercive control, that would count as such. There may be sexual assault prevention services in your area that could help guide you through this since coercive control as a means of obtaining sex may have been enfolded into the definition of sexual abuse.
Like CL and the rest, I really hope you’re able to find a safe haven within your favorite sport even if you have to found a team yourself. As all of us discover who have been through the ringer of sexual harassment, if it happened to you then you know there are many others out there to whom this happened. They are your future coalition and tribe members.