Romance Scammed and Owed Money
Could her boyfriend be a romance scammer? He said he was broke because of his sick father. Then she discovered his escort habit.
***
Hi Chump Lady,
I am writing to you to gain some clarity and support on my current situation.
I thought I had met the love of my life.
It was instant connection, we felt like we had known each other forever. Everything moved fairly quickly, but I thought it was a fairytale. After all, I deserve my happy ending right?
When we moved in together, things started to shift. He was still treating me like a princess, writing me love letters, cooking me dinner, doting on me lovingly and affectionately. But, his finances were sketchy. He couldn’t pay rent. He couldn’t buy groceries. I asked him what was going on and he told me his father was very sick, unable to work and he was supporting him financially. It made me feel really bad for him.
Fast forward two months later and my suspicions are growing worse.
By this point, he has asked me for money repeatedly, made me feel like a terrible person when I initially said no. (How could I not help his sick father?) and I ended up giving him a grand total of $4,600.
He still acted like the loving partner I thought he was, and I thought I was helping and doing a good thing. One day, he told me that he noticed my tire had a gash in it. I gave him $300. But thought that was weird, so I took it to a friend who is a car guy, for him to tell me the tires were never changed and they are the same tires I’ve had for the last two years.
I confronted him, it caused a huge blow out.
“How could you not trust me?” “Do you really think I’d lie to you?” I felt like an idiot. He’s under so much stress and pressure! Why am I adding more? A couple of weeks later I woke up at 4:30 am with an urge to go through his phone.
I never thought in a million years he was cheating, but I thought that I might find some answers on some sketchy money business he was involved him. And then I thought I could help him. After all, I’m a nurse, I love helping people. I could make this right.
What I found was beyond disgusting. Escorts, discreet dating websites, sending sexual pictures of himself from our bed masturbating to women he found on dating apps. Telling girls he loved them, that he was done with me and I wouldn’t stop blowing up his phone.
I was devastated.
In a fury, I woke him up and he tried to tell me that his phone had been updated and when you update your phone, old messages show up as new messages. I almost believed him when he prayed on the rosary that he was telling the truth. I kicked him out. Told his whole family and friends. He was livid. “You know you’re not f**** easy either? You’re a nutjob!” He never looked me in my eyes and told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me. His family initially told me they would give me the money he owed me, as this has been going on for years and he owes several family members thousands of dollars. They felt bad for me, or so I thought. When I followed up with them two days later, they no longer believed me and said they would no longer respond to me.
I am so devastated, I thought he was it.
I am still reconciling how I could still be in love and miss someone who hurt me so terribly.
How could he look me in my eyes, tell me he loves me, do all these wonderful things for me, and do that behind my back? Why doesn’t his family believe me? I know I cannot be his first victim. Another woman has since reached out to me on a facebook group that exposes dangerous men and has told me her very similar story. He knows someone in that group, because the post got screenshotted and taken down. He was livid with me, accusing ME of cheating. I have not heard anything from him for almost a week. This was someone who told me they couldn’t live without me.
How could he just be so indifferent to the immense emotional and financial pain he has caused me? Can I heal from this? How do I stop loving him, stop missing him? I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks. I feel broken.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Broken Soul
***
Dear Broken Soul,
You’re among fellow chumps here — people who trusted, believed the best, and were played. So, no judgement here — we know how much it hurts — but you need to understand this guy is a fraud. A romance scammer. He never cared about you, you were simply of use to him.
That says absolutely nothing about your lovability and everything about the empty elevator shaft where his soul should be.
The person you loved never existed.
That’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around, because you’re an authentic person who cares. You helped him when you thought he needed help for his sick father. You thought you were caring for someone who would reciprocate, because he shared your values, right? How could someone who acted so loving… just act?
Because he’s a freak. They exist. Look at my blog numbers.
I’d consider small claims court to get your money back and consulting an attorney. But I think it’s more likely you’re looking at an expensive life lesson here. Let’s review what you wrote.
It was instant connection, we felt like we had known each other forever. Everything moved fairly quickly, but I thought it was a fairytale.
This is love bombing. Healthy love takes time to build. You need to know someone for awhile to see the arc of their character. Be suspicious of anyone who moves quickly, as in your case, literally moves in with you. Or creates this sense of urgency — ACT NOW OR MISS OUT! And check your own chumpy impulses. You’re good enough to wait for. You don’t have to be of use to someone to be lovable. People need to EARN their place in your life.
Real men buy their own groceries.
writing me love letters, cooking me dinner, doting on me lovingly and affectionately. But, his finances were sketchy. He couldn’t pay rent. He couldn’t buy groceries.
You paid $4K for a man to cook you a few dinners and write you insincere love notes. Real love adults.
A guy who can’t pay his rent (but you can shelter him!) and can’t afford food (but you can pay!) is looking for a mommy, not a partner. This should be an immediate dealbreaker. He hasn’t built the relationship capital for you to DO for him like this. You haven’t been married 20 years and he gets cancer. No, he is LEADING with his broke-ass-ness.
Not acceptable.
I never thought in a million years he was cheating, but I thought that I might find some answers on some sketchy money business he was involved him. And then I thought I could help him. After all, I’m a nurse, I love helping people.
That’s beautiful. I love helping people too. But you need to be clear-eyed about this. You want a romantic partner, not a patient. You need someone who lifts YOU up, who adds to your life, and doesn’t subtract. Partner with another giver.
If it feels sketchy, it’s sketchy.
You know enough at this point to bounce.
What I found was beyond disgusting. Escorts, discreet dating websites, sending sexual pictures of himself from our bed masturbating to women he found on dating apps. Telling girls he loved them, that he was done with me and I wouldn’t stop blowing up his phone.
Believe the evidence. This man hates women. That’s what his behavior says. He BUYS sex. He defrauds trusting women (you and God knows who else) to purchase and degrade other women. It’s all a game to him. He’s sick and dangerous.
I almost believed him when he prayed on the rosary that he was telling the truth.
Why am I having a dark fantasy of him being strangled by a rosary and stuffed in a confessional booth?
I kicked him out.
GOOD. STAY NO CONTACT!
Freaks like this often circle back. (You still have the ability to be of use.) He can send you a check if he’d like to convey his apologies.
Told his whole family and friends. He was livid. “You know you’re not f**** easy either? You’re a nutjob!” He never looked me in my eyes and told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me. His family initially told me they would give me the money he owed me, as this has been going on for years and he owes several family members thousands of dollars. They felt bad for me, or so I thought. When I followed up with them two days later, they no longer believed me and said they would no longer respond to me.
Look, he defrauded his OWN FAMILY. This is a long-standing pattern with this guy. If he hasn’t paid his own family members back, what chance do you think you have? They’re not responding because they cannot help you and they probably feel ashamed by association. Follow up via whatever legal means you can, but this is a dead end.
I have not heard anything from him for almost a week. This was someone who told me they couldn’t live without me.
He can live without you. It’s just your cash and worldly comforts he needs.
How could he just be so indifferent to the immense emotional and financial pain he has caused me?
Because he’s disordered. Some people don’t have consciences. It doesn’t hurt him to hurt you (or anyone else.) Again, this says NOTHING about your lovability and everything about how fucked up he is. Read up on Dark Triad personalities.
Can I heal from this?
Yes of course. This is a whole community here of people who have healed from this.
How do I stop loving him, stop missing him?
By realizing he never existed. You miss the lie. The false self he presented. The actual person you cared about stole $4,600 from you for his hooker habit. Get angry. Call the law. Enforce your boundaries. That will protect you from him far more than soppy grief about an imaginary person.
CL continues to explain how disordered this particular type of FW is and why Broken Soul should stay far, far away (hugs).
This is an important opportunity to share those early financial red flags so that exploitive relationships can be ended by chumps ASAP.
Adults who are truly available for a committed relationship generally pay their own way or are transparent about their efforts toward financial independence.
The older I get, the more apt I would be to run a background check before lending money or accepting a housemate.
I am sorry this happened to you Soul (I won’t say broken. You may be hurting, but your kind soul still shines through).
The thing about fairy tales, is that the old ones, the real versions are a bit more applicable. Bluebeard’s Wife may have thought she had a great an rich husband, but opening his hidden room allowed her to escape with her life. Donkeyskin had to be cunning and life for a time in pain to escape the predatory love of her father. The Clever Maiden and the Robbers ultimately defends her home and sees through a deceptive suitor.
Appearances vs truth are a common theme in folktales, so when you wish for one, be careful that you just may get it. Love is just a feeling, and one that has lead many to dark places. Love, but keep both eyes open always.
You were the heroine OP. You trusted your gut to check his phone. You threw him out that night. You looked into Bluebeard’s room and saved yourself from a worse fate.
Now is the time to lock down your security. Change/update credit cards with new numbers. File tax returns quickly and use identification theft services. Freeze your credit. Change your locks. Go back over your statements for the last few months and check for fraudulent charges. Assume that there are no lows too low for a man like this and keep standing up for yourself.
Read about healthy relationships from reputable sources like the Gottman Institute, the boundaries CBT workbook, Scarleteen, and Emily Nagoski. Talk through this experience with a therapist and get support for your next relationship. Get practice accepting that you are worthy of love without having to be of use. Even if you don’t jump into save or solve all his problems. A real partner isn’t a bank, a therapist, or an appliance. If you hear a sob story take a step back and empathetically say “That’s awful, what do you plan to do?”.
You are a Mighty Soul, even if it doesn’t feel like it. A small man like this won’t be the ultimate undoing of you.
Broken, this says it all. I gave my experience, you gave the cure
Tracy has some great informative posts here in the archives about the Gottmans…..they’re on my No Fly list as far as relationship resources go….
I am currently reading Jillian Turecki, Diego Perez (How To Love Better) who goes by the handle yung_pueblo on Instagram, and Case Kenny. Loving videos by Tim Fletcher. I also have a great therapist at the helm on my pit crew. Twelve step programs.
Mary Ellen O’Toole…former FBI profiler, wrote
Dangerous Instincts. Essential reading! No, you cannot always trust your gut. You still need to gather intel.
❤️
VH – A few days after D-Day my adult daughter sent to me the book “clarity and connection” by yung pueblo. It was one of the top things that saved my sanity in those early days (and by days I meant many months of FW bullshite). I read “Dangerous Instincts ” at your previous recommendation, and I myself highly recommend “The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout. The good news about Chumpdom is that we can learn from our experiences from people like CL and others who have the knowledge, experience, and wisdom to help.
I agree with O’Toole’s view. She points out that even FBI profilers can only catch lies about 50% of the time while interviewing suspects– the same as a coin toss.
This puts the lie to the idea that all victims were kind of/sort of “asking for it” or ignoring red flags from the beginning. Instead, it may simply be that some predators are that skilled in evading detection (at least until it’s too late to easily escape them).
I think that, for every person alive– no matter how canny or “trained” they may be in spotting predators– there’s a predator who has learned to get past exactly those individual defenses. That’s why nothing replaces time and patience in “vetting” people and also seeing how they behave in many different contexts as O’Toole recommends.
I had personal interactions on a number of occasions with someone after AA meetings. He was a very polite, intelligent, clean and well-dressed man. We were alone in the building, just talking about subjects related to sobriety.
One day I realized I had not seen him for a while and I wondered what happened to him.
Some time later I found him on the Megan’s Law website.
He had vanished because he was incarcerated for violent sexual assault. Forcible rape. A very scary list of offenses as long as my arm.
Not one time did he ever do or say anything that gave me pause or indicate he was capable of such behavior.
My PI was a special agent with the FBI for 28 years. He was a colleague of Mary Ellen O’Toole’s and the one who recommended her book to me, which I read with very open ears.
Sometimes the red flags are neatly folded, well-hidden in a trunk in the basement. Along with the bodies of the victims.
Velvet, how can I hire this PI. S/He sounds so much better than the ones I had
Holy $#^&, that was a close call.
I’ve had a few myself. I recently learned that a guy I worked with in NY ended up in prison for trying to cover up the heroin overdose death of his married schmoopie.
Good thing I was never really attracted to him and quickly friend-zoned him. But it still makes me feel like a rube that I had actually wondered for years if I’d “turned a good man down.” According to the logic of “gut sense,” if my intuition actually worked, I never would have had mild pangs of guilt about rejecting him to begin with.
Then another guy I knew as a teenager whom my parents would not let me date ended up exploding his promising political career with a domestic violence scandal years later. Again, if I had any protective “gut sense,” why would I have been upset that my parents wouldn’t let me go out with this guy?
But I think the devil is the details. For instance, both were Ivy League types with scholarly, almost nerdy bent. Both made feminist noises. Both were also “brave champions” of embattled important causes. In other words, they were wolves in exceptionally credible sheep’s clothing.
The other takeaway is that, through no particular fault of my own, I’m a huge schmuck magnet.
I’d never ignore my gut sounding the alarm, but now realize I need intel beyond my gut feeling to determine if an individual is safe and trustworthy.
Glad we’re both above ground today, HOAC.
Being chopped up and thrown into San Francisco Bay in a 50 gallon drum, as someone I knew of, is a crummy way to go.
It’s why I gave my daughter “NO lessons” since she was able to say the word “no”….giving her choices, and respecting when she said NO….
IMHO, not respecting when children say no is a good way to prime them to end up in the wrong places and situations and with the wrong people…..
Good way of putting it. Don’t ignore gut instincts but don’t depend on them either.
This is true, and I don’t mean to victim blame. I think the reality is we strike a balance between trust and risk as best we can. No matter what bad things can still happen. We just prepare and mitigate our risk as much as is feasible. But working to have an understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like and holding prospective partners to that standard has been helpful for me. Especially when deciding to leave.
We also have to find a resting place between hyper vigilance and denial. Ultimately it’s also doing all we can to have a life that isn’t just one person.
Part of why even when my kiddo was young, I kept my career even though it technically cost us my salary to have kiddo in daycare.
I’d been raised to always keep a foot in the working world. Even if your Partner is 100% equitable and never cheats… Layoffs, injuries and illness can still happen to a breadwinner. If nothing else it keeps adding to retirement and getting an employer match.
I did the same braken, paid nearly all the salary to the daycare for years but now I am so thankful I did.
In our HCOL area so many SAHM live high on the hog, that I questioned my own choices multiple times when married to FW, before DDay #2.
Great points.
It’s a bit tangential, but men who are the main or the sole breadwinners may make ill-advised career choices, too. For example, they might suddenly decide to quit their jobs and start their own company, which then fails in a spectacular way. Or they may quit their high-paying careers in favor of a job that pays much less, even if this leaves their wife and children struggling. Or they might join an ill-reputed employer after being offered top dollar, only for this employer to fail under a flurry of negative headlines, making it very difficult for them to find employment elsewhere. I’ve seen it all happen. Of course, not all of those men might be FW, but even if they aren’t, things could get really tough for their wives unless they have a way of supporting themselves financially.
Really well said.
Good to know! Happy to strike them off the list then.
There are so many woo-woo practitioners, it’s no wonder we have a hard time figuring out real world healthy relationships.
I should add that I have not dated since DDay which was NOV 2017.
I dipped my toe into the dating pool this summer and jumped out after about a month.
I realized my dating SOPs were still set to 1990 and needed updating (pun intended.)
I need more dating/relationship ground school beyond therapy and my accumulated experience BEFORE dating again, hence my research resources shared above…..
I’m not ready or qualified to date or get into a relationship until I do a lot more ground school
and have life on my own completely rebuilt and solid. Not there yet and I am totally fine with it. Someone right for me will be there when I am ready if that’s what I want to pursue.
❤️
There is an entire Netflix series on scammers Love Con Revenge, a real eye opener on these con men. one guy conned his wife out of 2 million, another guy said his best friend took a bullet for him in Iraq and he needed money to send to this guys family because he felt so guilty, had a tattoo on his arm in tribute to the guy, turns out it was all a lie. These are the lengths these con men will go to. A woman lied about having MS created fake medical documents, her boyfriend gave her all kinds of money for her MS drugs, you got it she never had MS. Watch this series your jaw will drop. There are so many cases the cops don’t even look at it unless you can build a case with several other women who have been defrauded by the same man. The women on Love Con have a business to do just that.Its in the U.S. One half of the team is the girl who got taken on Tinder Swindler.
Seconding this Netflix series Charmee. The damage done to the victims is next level. Our letter writer today, Broken Soul, should watch the series while she is in early recovery and I guarantee she will feel validated and less alone. It may steel her to fight for her money through legal channels. In the case of the woman who lost $2M her daughters were badly affected and this guy was pretending to be a doctor as well. Horrific but eye opening. Be safe out there everyone. This shit is hardcore and these dark triad types dangerous.
I think Gary Chapman should be in prison for that stupid book The Five Love Languages.
Those same behaviors are the playbook of the con artist, and have been since the dawn of time. It’s the INTENTION behind the behavior that is important, and intentions are not immediately discernible.
Instant connection. Things moved fairly
quickly. Fairytale. Asking for money. Lying.
I don’t know when you moved in together, but it sounds like it may have been fairly soon after you started dating?
I love this video by Tim Fletcher:
https://youtu.be/Bpz-NYczl4Q
Taking things slowly is incredibly important, as is learning about the HOW of healthy relationships before we get into them and learning from our experiences after they have ended.
I also want to share that I took things very slowly with my former husband (dating for a year before moving in together, getting married after seven years together, with counseling a part of our entire twenty seven years together, and he had a secret sexual
double life the entire time!). So though SLOWLY is not a guarantee, it’s still a good idea.
Monsters walk among us. Expert liars can fool even the best FBI profilers. It’s important to learn to avoid the monsters when we can, and get out immediately if we learn we are involved with one.
I’m glad our writer got away.
My post DDay standard is LEAVE AT THE FIRST LIE.
Feelings take time to fade away and die out. They don’t always evaporate instantly.
❤️
….my initial comment is awaiting approval….stay tuned! XXOO
Dear Broken Soul:
I am sorry this happened to you. Of course you feel sad and confused: you thought this was your person and you genuinely loved. Please give yourself time and grace to heal from the shock of being betrayed by someone you loved who intentionally hurt you. That is a profound shock. It takes a while for a chumpy heart to catch up with the ugly facts your mind already knows. The two will reconnect eventually and when they do, you will be stronger than you were before.
Please come back here otten and read the posts of your fellow chumps, who achieved peace and happiness after betrayal. You can too.
CL’s best advice is only two words long: get angry. This is a safe place to share feelings but the ability to compartmentalize and look objectively at what he did, will go a long way in processing, healing, and gaining a life. It sounds like it’s not in your nature, but use anger as your first fuel.
(take good care)
Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments, support and words of wisdom. And thank you to Chump Lady for hearing and sharing my story. I am still reconciling with the grief, the hurt and the anger. I wanted that happy ending so badly. I just hope these feelings go away as quickly as they came. In the meantime, I am grateful to have a very supportive group of friends & family..and now you all! I know i am not alone.
These men are predators and can sense who wants their happily ever after in about 5 minutes. They start with the compliments, gifts, etc. but before too long their true colours show. They know exactly what buttons to push. Usually lots of sex as well to get you hooked emotionally. Mine ended up being into BDSM, try that on for size but didn’t reveal to me until I moved in with him……..ended up moving out during a pandemic. I am sure I have PTSD from that experience it was 5 years ago and I have never been near a man since. I didn’t rush into it, dated for a year and a half, then moved in, it lasted a year. These men are frightening and full blown sociopaths, many many of them out there. No more men for me…..no thanks.
It’s ok to just accept your feelings as they are for a while. The part of us that loves, forgives and hopes can be the best, most innocent parts of ourselves. The verse that Love is Patient, Love is Kind can have a darker side if we settle for poor treatment and endlessly forgive. We don’t teach people enough that sometimes we have to be strong enough to break our own hearts to save ourselves. And yet you are, and you did.
I have to say as an older lady, now happily married, that there is no Happily Ever After. A wedding can be a wonderful ceremony, but it’s not a happy ending. It’s a transition to another phase of life with its own challenges, pitfalls, joys and hardships. What happens after riding off into the sunset is often budgeting, credit scores, and asking each other “what do you want for dinner” until one of you dies or leaves. Getting old together is love, but also Doctor’s appointments, diminishing mental health, and caretaking. There is also peace, mutual care, and you can build a good life. But to get there takes keeping your feet planted on the ground.
It’s all work, it can be worth it with as wise a choice in partner as you can make, but this blog shows that also can change.
As adults we are the most vulnerable and the most at risk when we are falling in love. Our suitors can be the biggest threats to our lives, finances and children. Letting go of the Disney fantasy can be hard, but we owe it to ourselves to do so and get the best chance. A grown man who is trying to sell you on a whirlwind fantasy romance is often a veneer. A good man can be romantic, but shows up for the drudgeries of life too.
Wishing you well, and glad you have love and support through this time.
You can have it….just not WITH HIM.
It helps me to write….I recommend doing some writing on what happened and what you learned.
YAY that you got away!
I spent half my life (27 years), had started a business and had a child with the scammer that I married before the truth came out. 😪
The feelings take time to process. They will go away. Be as kind and loving and patient and compassionate with yourself as you are to your patients.
❤️
Dear Broken Soul…you had the strength to end things shortly after your first discovery. That is commendable and – as CL is fond of saying – You Are Mighty!
The one thing I truly regret is not leaving my FW soon after my first discovery. I would have avoided so much pain and lost opportunity.
There were a lot of forces keeping me stuck, not least of which, was my mistaken belief that the man I had fallen in love with was real. He was not. He never was. My FW simply read me like a book and presented me with a reflection of what he thought I was. I fell for it.
Like most of us – you got conned. No shame in that. Unlike many of us, you bailed as soon as you saw through the con. Go ahead and grieve for the man and future you thought you had, but always remember that neither was real.
Three things will help you heal:
yes!
You are mighty!
“I love you!” + “Loan me money” OR “Give me money” = loser or scam artist or not ready to be a partner.
Ditto for the people who sit around, sigh about their finances and later insist your unwritten 0% interest “friends and family” loan was a GIFT.
Nope – keep your hand in your pocket, firmly clutching your wallet.
That is a lesson everyone needs to learn secondhand.
Now dry your tears, file in small claims court, expect not to win but do it to reclaim your self-respect.
Hugs to you!
How do you stop being in love with him?
Let me start with the easier part. Time. You are still in shock, this is all still raw, and there is part of you that wants the “old him” back. As our fearless leader puts it, that person never existed.
So time. Time may not heal the would per se but it will give perspective. As the rose shading comes off of your memories of him you are going to see more and more what a useless scumbag the idiot was and how ultimately you did all of the work (the $300 for the tire that never got replaced thing would be at the forefront of my hate-narrative of the idiot while you heal).
I’d run some credit reports on yourself and take him off of all of your accounts for things-if he could lie about a sick father Gods only know what other villainy he could get up to.
I empathize-we all went through what you are going through. Two plus years on from mine’s departure and I am still finding her literal messes. I rolled around in her literal filth the weekend that she moved out moving furniture and that began the actual process related to that.
The other half is that sort of Irvin Yalom bit-the idiot used you. He had no problem lying to you and deploying DARVO when he got called on it. He is a fraud and a con artist and I don’t want to imagine what danger he exposed you to. He is not a good person, he is not worth your love, and you are so much more valuable than all of that, and you deserved none of the betrayal or financial abuse.
I get it-I miss the person I thought I was with. If that person ever existed, she faded away quietly into somebody self-centered, immature, impulsive, and ultimately abusive who ultimate got out when I was used up. Particularly this time of year I miss the illusion of the one I loved-but I thank whoever’s in charge of the universe that she’s gone and can’t hurt me anymore.
You will, too.
Have a Mighty Monday!
I had to do a Google search for Irvin Yalom because I’d never heard the name. Thanks for the interesting reference. For what it’s worth (and I’m extremely critical of AI), here are the AI results:
What are the 4 existential fears of Irvin Yalom?
AI Overview
Yalom’s four existential concerns are death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. These are seen as the “ultimate concerns” or “givens” of human existence that everyone must confront to live an authentic life. They form a framework for understanding anxiety and motivation in his existential psychotherapy model.
Death: The awareness of one’s mortality and the fear of non-existence, which can motivate people to live more fully.
Freedom: The recognition that individuals are responsible for their own lives and choices, which can be a source of both opportunity and anxiety.
Isolation: The fundamental and unavoidable loneliness of being an individual, despite our connections with others.
Meaninglessness: The challenge of creating purpose and meaning in a universe that may not have any inherent meaning.
All true!
What I was more specifically referring to was he wrote a book of case studies called Love’s Executioner. The eponymous case study is about his needing to dispel the illusion of somebody being in love. It’s been about 20 years-I should probably re-read it. It is very worth your time if you are interested in such things (though if you read only one book of case studies, Oliver Sacks’ “The Man That Mistook His Wife For a Hat” is the Platonic ideal!)
Yalom also wrote the original reference standard text on group therapy that I was taught out of. He was the first writer in the field that kind of made sense to me as he was the first to actually discuss his own difficulties as a healer. I hope to whoever is in charge of the universe that he hasn’t done anything awful.
Thanks for the explanation. And I second your last line. Whenever I admire anyone’s work these days, I cross fingers they don’t end up on the six o’clock news for, say, molesting underage circus animals or whatever.
That doesn’t mean the ideas they put forward were completely wrong since I strongly believe predators like this are more like hyenas than lions: they scavenge/plagiarize their ideas from the best as part of their heroic guises. So on finding out that some intellectual/art icon is secretly a creep, I tend to dig around for the hidden influences they stole their best ideas from (and usually find them).
For instance, Dickens and the factory girls in Lowell, Massachusetts. For another example, I was relieved to discover that disgraced DV expert (and sexual harasser and FW) Prof. Donald Dutton wasn’t the original source for the “masked dependency” concept. Apparently Erich Fromm was.
Or maybe Fromm stole it from some obscure underling? Whatever the case, I tend to lean to composer Dmitri Shostakovich’s view that sadists never produce anything worthwhile, not the usual morally relativist “feet of clay” forgiveness of intellectuals who turn out to be monsters in their personal lives.
Only a week ago? Take very careful steps here, “Soul.” (I will not call you “broken.”) Be very, very diligent about No Contact, because as bad as it is now, it can get waaaayyyyy worse. Chumps tend to believe in people’s potential, but people like this don’t change.
A couple of months ago, a friend finally broke it off with her FW. I told her, “Be careful, because he will come back again, hoovering.” She didn’t believe me: “This is over.” Well, he did call, and now they are back in the chaos, but it’s much, much worse.
You can become even more devastated, bewildered, and broke. Trust me. Keep away from him completely, and don’t waste any more time or money.
Not sure this one will actually show up and hoover. I think he is most likely on to his next victim. Since he hasn’t yet, I’m taking it as a sign from a higher power that its protection because I am feeling emotionally weak right now and I can see myself trying to reconcile.
He probably is on to his next victim, but it won’t mean he won’t try and hoover his way back. Double win for him if he has the newbie AND you! (Because he would keep you secret from each other of course).
You were so so brave to check his phone while he slept. I remember how much my hands were shaking when I checked my husband’s phone. (STBXH i should say).
When I came to this site, and read how many women and men had reconciled after D Day, or how they had been pick me dancing for years, and then they discovered nothing had changed! Their spouse was NOT acting in their or their marriage/family’s best interests. And after reading SO MANY similar accounts, the penny dropped and I thought “F*ck that! She (the MOW) can have him.” So, please keep reading, and realising that people like him exist. And he is NOT and sounds like never has, acted in YOUR best interests. Save yourself years of grief (and worse), and go No Contact. Write NC NC NC on your hand to remind you. Years to come, you’ll be so glad you did.
Yeah, this is exactly why I posted my comment.
He will hoover. If that thought makes your heart skip a beat, with anticipation and joy, then you really really really need to shore up. He is a one-way ticket to H-E-L-L. Don’t think it won’t happen to you. They want to blindside you.
My friend said the same thing: “He won’t come back.” He was back about a week after she said that. That is not good news for you. Please understand me. She is suicidal again, and even more isolated than before.
Thank you. I am in therapy now and surrounding myself with my really awesome girlfriends and my amazing family to help get me through. I know for my sake that I should have no contact with him. If you guys are right and he does hoover, I hope I am strong enough to continue to block and delete.
Well reiterated FYI_.
So sorry for your friend.😔
They always show up again like bad pennies. If not immediately, then as soon as their former victims are finally emotionally moving on and especially at the moment when former victims start to form new and better romantic ties. It’s like some telepathic homing signal to abusers.
This times a thousand.
Hi Broken,
I don’t know precisely what it will take for you to “un-spellbind” yourself in the long run regarding your terrifying ex and stop missing the mirage he presented except learning all about predators and how they operate so you’re less likely to fall into a future trap. Also time and distance. Once completely out of this mindf*cking predator’s orbit, the haze will clear and you’ll start to have a different perspective.
That’s regarding long term recovery and safety. In the meantime, while you’re in an acute crisis stage, it might help to know you’re not alone. For one, look at how prevalent abuse themes are in the culture (the numbers of followers of this blog or of
narcissistic abuse” experts like Drs. Ramani and Christine Cocchiola, etc.). For another example, my gen x music student kids and I have recently been sharing and listening to a lot of Paris Paloma and Sofia Isella. Some of their songs sound like rage anthems for exactly what you went through.
Paris Paloma, “Labour”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvU4xWsN7-A
Sofia Isella, “Doll People”: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PD-uRFa2qkE
And just in case you think no one will understand how you feel, check out the concert shorts for both singers and behold city after city with concert halls filled with people of every race and background who know every word to their songs and sing in perfect unison.
And just in case this makes you feel like all men suck, check out the male fan reviews of Labour or Paloma’s brilliant “Good Boy” (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5NfyIpE4zaw) for evidence that not all men are distracted by the empty ego rewards of “dah patriarchy” and some even sense they’re getting f*cked over in the process. In any case, my sons seem even more into these artists than my daughter for some reason.
Since I’m sure you don’t wish this catastrophe on anyone else, you probably find cold comfort in the fact that most women experience some form of intimate partner abuse in their lifetimes. Some men endure this as well though, statistically, abusers are overwhelmingly male and there are typically gendered themes involved related to differences in power in society and also how deeply misogyny is rooted in all cultures. It creates a kind of protection racket whereby I think most women aren’t actually sure whether they’re in the market for a life partner or a body guard.
But, as statistics show, the greatest threat to women are their romantic partners. Something else your story reminds me of is the true crime saga of John Meehan, a grifter who preyed on successful, kind, hard-working women and who would become violent when exposed. The story was made into a series titled Dirty John which also included the Betty Broderick story, which is also fascinating in how it exposes the methods of abusers and cheaters. But I thought actor Eric Bana’s performance especially was a tour de force on a forensic psychology level, especially the way he nails the psychopathic shift from seeming “warmth” to deadly, empty “shark eyes” when his games are exposed.
In real life, despite her evident intelligence and competence, Deborah Newell also had difficulty wrapping her head around how John Meehan could be such a split personality. Some who analyzed the case believed that Newell lacked self esteem or was weak but I think the real story is that even sexual predators of moderate intelligence can show a kind of “genius” in one particular set of skills: how to read others, how to performatively get past people’s defenses using a combination of love-boming and intimidation and how to shift the blame to avoid consequences for their offenses.
But the real takeaway of the Dirty John Meehan story is people who’ve figured out how to turn empathy on and off at will the way Meehan could can be extremely dangerous in principle, since– if they can somehow justify robbing, betraying and exploiting– what else can they rationalize?
It would be like playing Russian roulette to guess. I think Newell sensed this in her gut from the beginning and, rather than it being an expression of masochism on her part, I think she kicked into autonomic survival gear and played possum on a cellular level to gain amnesty from an extraordinarily dangerous individual– proof of which is the fact that Meehan eventually plotted to kill Newell and then actually tried to murder Newell’s adult daughter.
So I suspect that, at some point, your abuser shifted seamlessly from “love bombing” to intimidation tactics in order to paralyze your rational defenses. The nature of his smear campaign against you (by which he rationalized committing terrible abuses against you) suggests that what you currently think is “love” or “pining” for him might, like in Newell’s case, actually have an element of captor bonding, aka Stockholm syndrome. In other words, on some subconscious level, you might be afraid of what darker depths this freak is capable of sinking to since he could so easily fabricate grounds to embezzle and exploit a completely innocent person.
Be assured that the tendency for human beings to “freeze and fawn” in the face of danger isn’t proof of individual weakness or masochism even if the survival mechanism sometimes outlasts its usefulness. Even professionally trained military intelligence operatives know that, if captured by the enemy and subjected to particular psychological stressors, they’ll all crack like pinatas and spill every state secret they possess. They know they will do this because it works due to the fact that even professional torturers are not completley immune to “bonding” with a captive who seems to express affection and loyalty down to the bottom of their soul. This is why agents are never given whole parcels of state secrets but only bits and pieces and why all agents who are taken hostage and released are “deprogrammed” from potential captor bonding.
It’s partly how our species is wired, in other words. Though the way the mechanism outlasts its usefulness is still a bit of an evolutionary glitch so many of us have to counterintuitively program ourselves to prevent the mechanism from taking over so that we don’t let ourselves get entrapped to begin with or take advantage of earlier chances to escape and break free from potential abusers.
But there’s no point in demeaning yourself because you had not yet been “trained” to resist. In years to come, you might even hear progressively worse stories about this individual and one day discover that, like John Meehan, he’s in prison for assaulting or killing someone. I hope it doesn’t come to that and you can simply take it on spec that you just dodged a potentially dangerous bullet and thank your lucky stars for it.
Dear Writer,
I won’t call you broken or BS—you are free!
I envy you and I am thrilled for you! Enjoy going forward with your 401K and your dignity intact.
I found out what you did in 2023. I had been with the man since 1981. please do the math: I was deceived for over 40 years. I am still not divorced, but I have lost 1/2 my retirement, 1/2 my house and he spent all our savings.
We were college sweethearts, married with adult children when I found out he saw his first hooker before we were married. Once he confessed he couldn’t stop. From town to town as we moved, he got his law degree, we had children (thank you IVF) and all the time I believed he was working for small companies, start ups, etc and managing the money while I worked so we had health insurance and raised the kids. He traveled internationally, I did laundry and carpooling and worked full time. He had an Asian fetish he indulged weekly. He and I had sex every other day for years—including the day he left me for a younger woman in 2024! I had tried the foolhardy approach of reconciliation—as the marriage counselor told me my STBX was contrite and accepting responsibility, that fetishes were overpowering. When in reality he destroyed documents, erased the hard drive and started looking for a replacement wife appliance.
I send you love and hugs as you heal from heartbreak. I send you hope for a bright future because you have learned to always watch your own money!
Lean into your women friends and relatives. “Women heal the hearts we do not break.”
and Chump Nation has your back!
💕
Ugh, this hurt my heart to read. I’m so sorry you went through that. But I’m really grateful in knowing that you were able to get through it and share your experience with me. It gives me hope to know I am not alone and that I can get through this.
Broken Soul, everything that Tracy said, and:
1) Go 100% NO CONTACT FOREVER. Block on phone, block or divert emails and do not read, send a very direct non-friendly email to him and copying the police that he is never to contact you by any means or come near you, your family, friends, home, place of work ever again…
2) This guy is worse and more dangerous than you realize. Right now he still thinks that he controls you.
3) Change all of your passwords and PINs, especially to your bank accounts, email accounts, phone, amazon, social media, etc. He probably has obtained your passwords, whether you gave them to him or not. Both of my psychopath ex’s put keylogger data on my computer and went through my personal belongings, phone, camera, etc. Another, went through my mailbox and opened my mail. Unbeknownst to me. Make sure that he doesn’t have any find your phone, car trackers, voice recorders surveilling you. Especially if he seems to have any information on your location or life that he shouldn’t. Re-key the door locks at your house. Change the codes on any garage door openers, etc.
4) Hovering: This guy absolutely will try to hoover/contact you again. For. Ever. He will never stop contacting you. YOU HAVE TO CUT HIM OFF. It helped me to think of my three psychopath exes as CANCER. He will make up lies to get you to give him the time of day. Such as “I have something I want to tell you that will explain why I am like this”, “I want to explain and apologize”, “My dad/mom is in the hospital and dying”, “I am in the hospital”, etc. He will put on fake tears of how much he misses you and is sorry. He will contact your friends and family. Tell them what is happening, that he is a sociopath and pathological liar, that you dumped and no contacted him, and tell them to not communicate with him at all or link with him on social media. Do not ever see this guy in person. He number one agenda will be to get you in the sack and start this all over again.
5) You cannot believe even one word this guy says. YOU WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND WHY. Just like you don’t understand why some people enjoy being serial rapists and murderers. You are not a criminal psychopath. He is. You need to treat him as such.
6) Get tested for STDs. Be very glad that you didn’t get pregnant with or married to this psychopath…or waste decades of your life and all of your fertility years. If you are ever (stupid enough) to get back together with him, he will only ramp up the toxicity and abuse. Likely it will get physically violent as well.
Oops, I was in a hurry, sorry for all the typos! And it was supposed to say “keylogger software”. They do this to collect all of your account passwords. I know for a fact that two of my psycho exes got the passwords to my online bank account and were in it. Scary.
Excellent advice!
Yes to all of this.
Get devices checked. Make sure to use the “log out everywhere” option to any account you can think of. If you have an IT type friend or family member they can help you. Some services may be able to check your devices too. Check your email, account and phone “blocked” lists, some predators will secretly block the contacts of people who may out him to you in an attempt to isolate you.
Husband is in IT and volunteers with the local library/community outreach to help people leaving bad relationships to lock down their cyber security.
Set up identity theft alerts. Make sure you have all of your car key copies. I’ve even changed my car stickers, license plate and parking spot before.
It may feel paranoid, but better to do it and not have needed too then find he’s opened up a credit card or account in your name.
Even with my husband now X husband of a 30 yearsl marriage…I was of USE for that long. When we started dating HE HAD NO MONEY, I paid for dinners, dates, made meals, took care of his kids and spent the next 30 years supporting him. I was a kind soul who thought ,no BELIEVED this man would ADULT. There were financial RED RED FLAGS from day 1. But I worked hard and wanted him to know I didn’t need his money. Guess what? I was the major bread winner, while he went job to job. I never saw his paychecks BUT I DIDN’T CARE BECAUSE I LOVED HIM! He bread crumbled his way while I spackled my way through 30 years..taking care of his mentally ill father and two disordered children for 30 years. Through his mental bipolar disease..because I WAS A NURSE and I could give and give and give. And guess what??? His affairs came to the surface AFTER I RETIRED and when he told his children he was tired of me. .AFTER I RETIRED and was no longer a cash cow. So my Chump friend, your creepy romance scammer took only a few years and 4000$, now multiple that by 30 secret affair years for my X and find a big pillow to cry into. To find out you were of USE and never loved, that THAT breaks one’s heart 💔. Please please go before you have babies and a cotton candy world. Run and get free with NO CONTACT and find yourself true love. THIS MAN IS NO PRINCE, HE IS A PREDATOR.
Totally get how you feel. It hurts so badly knowing how used I was. I am still trying to reconcile with the fact of still loving someone but grieving a fantasy.
Dear Mighty Soul, you can get through this, be patient with yourself and know it might take longer than you want. Know that you are enough. You are lovable. You got conned, just like every other person on CN. My advice is to make a „sh*t list“ of all the nasty, loser, conman, negative things he did and said and put it on your phone. Hang it on your fridge, put it everywhere. When he hoovers you – and he will – and he will know exactly what you need / want to hear – or when you feel sad and weak, look at this list. Read it over and over and over and over again, until you know with every bit of your body and heart and brain that he sucks. Go no contact. 100% no contact. Then it is harder for him to hoover you. No looking at social media. No talking with his family or friends. Block them all. It will be hard. But you can do it and you will feel better. Sending a big chump hug.
Yes, contact the authorities since the money you gave him was only given under false pretences that it was for the care of a sick relative. That is fraud and it’s a crime. If the cops won’t do anything, do you have the resources to sue him? This con artist bastard needs to pay you back.
I hope you now know to not trust “instant connections.” As CL says, these happen because you are being manipulated with love bombing. It isn’t real. If a person is being real, he/she will take time to get to know you and not be instantly over the top lovey dovey like this. This is classic romance scam behavior.
You’ll get over this if you accept that it was really just a fantasy. You didn’t fall in love with a person, you fell in love with being romanced.
Hey, it happens, and you can learn from it. You’ll know for the future that love bombing means you are being scammed, so you won’t be scammed again. I hope you get justice.
Right, I have gotten this advice from a lawyer. The only thing I’m struggling with is I don’t know how unhinged this man is. My family is worried that if I press charges, he will hurt me or hurt himself (he is law enforcement). If he was to hurt himself, I know I would carry that with me for the rest of my life. Plus, is it really worth it to go through court dates, rehashing everything etc, will that hinder my recovery? I know he should have consequences for the awful things he did to me, but is it worth it to hinder my healing like that?
The fact that he is in law enforcement does change the picture. It means your word may not be believed against the word of a LEO.
It’s up to you whether it it’s worth it to try to get justice or not. If you feel it would just delay your recovery, then maybe it is better to let it be.
However, one thing you should not take on is any anxiety or guilt about him possibly killing himself. It would in no way be your fault if he did.
Wishing you swift healing. 🩷
Dear lyddd (aka Mighty Soul, borrowing that name someone else gave you as it’s so fitting).
Only you can decide if you want to press charges, as you said, the reality of going down that path could be pretty drawn out and torturous. Decades ago I had a situation where an academic supervisor was inappropriate. I had a psychologist therapist at the time and he helped me to consider the scenarios. The question wasn’t “what SHOULD I do?” (E.g. sue the university) rather “what is the right thing for ME to do in this situation?”. Did I want the drama and anxiety and stress and most likely denials and false accusations that I would need to try and defend? Or, essentially, go no contact, and finish my degree? (NB. I did make a formal complaint that went on his record, but didn’t pursue it further incl accepting the financial hit I had taken.) So in your case, if I’m correct in understanding the court stuff, is about trying to recoup some money? Which it sounds like he couldn’t pay back anyway. And so maybe, this was a $4 000+ expensive lesson?
I hope that has made sense?? I guess it’s a long way of saying, you need to work out what is right for you, what is your aim, what do you want to achieve? . ♥️
Small claims court. No lawyer needed or even allowed (I think). Only a very small filing fee.
Have looked into small claims court. Only problem with that is they will charge him with a judgement, and its still up to him to pay that judgement. I don’t just get the money back like that from the government. So theres still a chance he just wont pay the judgement.
Broken Soul, be glad that you were savvy enough to check on this guy and find out what he truly is. Be glad that you didn’t marry him, have children with him, or combine finances with him. Yes, this is tough on you, and losing $4.600 is awful. But as bad as it is, it could be worse. Although that may not be much consolation to you right now.
Listen to Chump Lady and stay no contact with this jerk! And see if it’s possible to get your money back.
Thanks. I am grateful there was no marriage or children involved. It makes it easier to move on, even though it feels super hard right now.
It’s getting cold out there and the hobo-sexuals are scrambling for new chumps to provide a warm place to spend the winter. Be careful!
Another huge red flag is if they float out their problems to you and let you fill the silence with how you’re glad to help. A forgotten wallet, an emergency car repair, short on rent, whatever they think they can touch you for. They never asked you to do anything, so why would you expect reciprocity? You offered it as a gift with no expectations of repayment!
Specifically asking for help is a vulnerable act of humility. Expecting your minions to cater to your needs is the act of a narcissist.
I was just scrolling thru the Tea app, which is about to go dark as an app. The creators are trying to transition it to a website.
It is an app for women where they can post pictures and other info (first name, age) and see if any other members have experience with that person. (Which kinda reminds me of the old days when you’d meet in real life and then you’d ask around about him in real life.)
Men complained that the app is libelous and sexist (since you have to be female to use it), so the app stores are taking it down. There was also a big data breach at one point when it was hacked.
Omg. You just cannot tell. A photo of an angelically smiling 20yr old will be studded with red flags. A very gruff looking guy you might be scared of if he was behind you on a dark street will get green flags from people who grew up with him or work with him. YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT TELL.
And the red flag men are violent, are married, don’t support the children they do have, are financial scammers, are knowingly spreading STDs, are pedophiles.
OMG.
Anybody have any insight to the feeling of “how did I let this happen to me?” How come I felt so safe, my body didn’t give off warning signals? Was this just me ignoring red flags because I wanted to have that “happy ending” so badly? I still want that for myself. I think I wanted the marriage and babies and the house so badly that I turned my blinders off. How do I move forward and do the work of “why do I want this so badly?” “why don’t I feel whole without those things?”
Centuries of patriarchy conditioning and our biology. Read up on radical feminism for example there’s a women dating over forty group on reddit. The systemic extraction of women’s labor cloaked in Disney
Ahhh honey, I felt exactly the same… and we won’t be the only ones. I don’t question it too hard, I just accept how we are wired, how our hormones work, and shaped by our culture and media etc. It’s not wrong. It’s just how it is. And it can be a beautiful and fulfilling thing.
You didn’t see red flags because you probably didn’t even know such things existed! You had this amazing (albeit contrived) emotional connection with this guy. You loved and trusted. But you also kicked ass when you needed to. You are mightier than you realise. Don’t beat yourself up.
Focus on YOU and your healing. Acknowledge your deep desire for the house and family dream. And let those desires know you just need to park them up for a bit to focus on getting through this devastation. And you’ll get back to them in a bit. And keep up with the therapy (hopefully with a well trained professional e.g. psychologist, who can help unravel the details and rebuild your shattered self). Hugs
OP $4000 is nothing in the grand scheme of things, a bargain price to escape such a twisted manipulative predator that love bombed you.
I married a similar love bomber only to end up three decades later with a shattered marriage, 7 figure sum of marital assets stolen, health issues caused by the stress, devastated kids and an uncertain future instead of a secure retirement.
I lost so much more than $4000, please learn from us and RUN AWAY from this monster.
Thanks, I am trying to look at it like that. Hopefully for my own sanity I never see or hear from him again, a lot of people talk about hoovering but I think he just will move on to someone else
In regards to everyone who recommended small claims court to me. I did some research and what I found in my state is that the claim has to be filed in the county where the defendant resides. In this case, the exact courthouse I would have to go to is where he works. He is an officer there. There’s no way I could go through with that, having to walk into a building where he works to file a claim. Plus, I’m sure he has many colleagues on his side. I feel defeated. Its like he won again.
You lost the battle, maybe. But you’ve won the war (by getting away).
anyone have any info on how i can join the facebook group? looking for all the support i can get. am using my moms facebook, i don’t have my own account