Romance Scammed and Owed Money
Could her boyfriend be a romance scammer? He said he was broke because of his sick father. Then she discovered his escort habit.
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Hi Chump Lady,
I am writing to you to gain some clarity and support on my current situation.
I thought I had met the love of my life.
It was instant connection, we felt like we had known each other forever. Everything moved fairly quickly, but I thought it was a fairytale. After all, I deserve my happy ending right?
When we moved in together, things started to shift. He was still treating me like a princess, writing me love letters, cooking me dinner, doting on me lovingly and affectionately. But, his finances were sketchy. He couldn’t pay rent. He couldn’t buy groceries. I asked him what was going on and he told me his father was very sick, unable to work and he was supporting him financially. It made me feel really bad for him.
Fast forward two months later and my suspicions are growing worse.
By this point, he has asked me for money repeatedly, made me feel like a terrible person when I initially said no. (How could I not help his sick father?) and I ended up giving him a grand total of $4,600.
He still acted like the loving partner I thought he was, and I thought I was helping and doing a good thing. One day, he told me that he noticed my tire had a gash in it. I gave him $300. But thought that was weird, so I took it to a friend who is a car guy, for him to tell me the tires were never changed and they are the same tires I’ve had for the last two years.
I confronted him, it caused a huge blow out.
“How could you not trust me?” “Do you really think I’d lie to you?” I felt like an idiot. He’s under so much stress and pressure! Why am I adding more? A couple of weeks later I woke up at 4:30 am with an urge to go through his phone.
I never thought in a million years he was cheating, but I thought that I might find some answers on some sketchy money business he was involved him. And then I thought I could help him. After all, I’m a nurse, I love helping people. I could make this right.
What I found was beyond disgusting. Escorts, discreet dating websites, sending sexual pictures of himself from our bed masturbating to women he found on dating apps. Telling girls he loved them, that he was done with me and I wouldn’t stop blowing up his phone.
I was devastated.
In a fury, I woke him up and he tried to tell me that his phone had been updated and when you update your phone, old messages show up as new messages. I almost believed him when he prayed on the rosary that he was telling the truth. I kicked him out. Told his whole family and friends. He was livid. “You know you’re not f**** easy either? You’re a nutjob!” He never looked me in my eyes and told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me. His family initially told me they would give me the money he owed me, as this has been going on for years and he owes several family members thousands of dollars. They felt bad for me, or so I thought. When I followed up with them two days later, they no longer believed me and said they would no longer respond to me.
I am so devastated, I thought he was it.
I am still reconciling how I could still be in love and miss someone who hurt me so terribly.
How could he look me in my eyes, tell me he loves me, do all these wonderful things for me, and do that behind my back? Why doesn’t his family believe me? I know I cannot be his first victim. Another woman has since reached out to me on a facebook group that exposes dangerous men and has told me her very similar story. He knows someone in that group, because the post got screenshotted and taken down. He was livid with me, accusing ME of cheating. I have not heard anything from him for almost a week. This was someone who told me they couldn’t live without me.
How could he just be so indifferent to the immense emotional and financial pain he has caused me? Can I heal from this? How do I stop loving him, stop missing him? I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep. I’ve lost 10 pounds in the last two weeks. I feel broken.
Please help!
Sincerely,
Broken Soul
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Dear Broken Soul,
You’re among fellow chumps here — people who trusted, believed the best, and were played. So, no judgement here — we know how much it hurts — but you need to understand this guy is a fraud. A romance scammer. He never cared about you, you were simply of use to him.
That says absolutely nothing about your lovability and everything about the empty elevator shaft where his soul should be.
The person you loved never existed.
That’s a hard thing to wrap your mind around, because you’re an authentic person who cares. You helped him when you thought he needed help for his sick father. You thought you were caring for someone who would reciprocate, because he shared your values, right? How could someone who acted so loving… just act?
Because he’s a freak. They exist. Look at my blog numbers.
I’d consider small claims court to get your money back and consulting an attorney. But I think it’s more likely you’re looking at an expensive life lesson here. Let’s review what you wrote.
It was instant connection, we felt like we had known each other forever. Everything moved fairly quickly, but I thought it was a fairytale.
This is love bombing. Healthy love takes time to build. You need to know someone for awhile to see the arc of their character. Be suspicious of anyone who moves quickly, as in your case, literally moves in with you. Or creates this sense of urgency — ACT NOW OR MISS OUT! And check your own chumpy impulses. You’re good enough to wait for. You don’t have to be of use to someone to be lovable. People need to EARN their place in your life.
Real men buy their own groceries.
writing me love letters, cooking me dinner, doting on me lovingly and affectionately. But, his finances were sketchy. He couldn’t pay rent. He couldn’t buy groceries.
You paid $4K for a man to cook you a few dinners and write you insincere love notes. Real love adults.
A guy who can’t pay his rent (but you can shelter him!) and can’t afford food (but you can pay!) is looking for a mommy, not a partner. This should be an immediate dealbreaker. He hasn’t built the relationship capital for you to DO for him like this. You haven’t been married 20 years and he gets cancer. No, he is LEADING with his broke-ass-ness.
Not acceptable.
I never thought in a million years he was cheating, but I thought that I might find some answers on some sketchy money business he was involved him. And then I thought I could help him. After all, I’m a nurse, I love helping people.
That’s beautiful. I love helping people too. But you need to be clear-eyed about this. You want a romantic partner, not a patient. You need someone who lifts YOU up, who adds to your life, and doesn’t subtract. Partner with another giver.
If it feels sketchy, it’s sketchy.
You know enough at this point to bounce.
What I found was beyond disgusting. Escorts, discreet dating websites, sending sexual pictures of himself from our bed masturbating to women he found on dating apps. Telling girls he loved them, that he was done with me and I wouldn’t stop blowing up his phone.
Believe the evidence. This man hates women. That’s what his behavior says. He BUYS sex. He defrauds trusting women (you and God knows who else) to purchase and degrade other women. It’s all a game to him. He’s sick and dangerous.
I almost believed him when he prayed on the rosary that he was telling the truth.
Why am I having a dark fantasy of him being strangled by a rosary and stuffed in a confessional booth?
I kicked him out.
GOOD. STAY NO CONTACT!
Freaks like this often circle back. (You still have the ability to be of use.) He can send you a check if he’d like to convey his apologies.
Told his whole family and friends. He was livid. “You know you’re not f**** easy either? You’re a nutjob!” He never looked me in my eyes and told me he was sorry for the pain he caused me. His family initially told me they would give me the money he owed me, as this has been going on for years and he owes several family members thousands of dollars. They felt bad for me, or so I thought. When I followed up with them two days later, they no longer believed me and said they would no longer respond to me.
Look, he defrauded his OWN FAMILY. This is a long-standing pattern with this guy. If he hasn’t paid his own family members back, what chance do you think you have? They’re not responding because they cannot help you and they probably feel ashamed by association. Follow up via whatever legal means you can, but this is a dead end.
I have not heard anything from him for almost a week. This was someone who told me they couldn’t live without me.
He can live without you. It’s just your cash and worldly comforts he needs.
How could he just be so indifferent to the immense emotional and financial pain he has caused me?
Because he’s disordered. Some people don’t have consciences. It doesn’t hurt him to hurt you (or anyone else.) Again, this says NOTHING about your lovability and everything about how fucked up he is. Read up on Dark Triad personalities.
Can I heal from this?
Yes of course. This is a whole community here of people who have healed from this.
How do I stop loving him, stop missing him?
By realizing he never existed. You miss the lie. The false self he presented. The actual person you cared about stole $4,600 from you for his hooker habit. Get angry. Call the law. Enforce your boundaries. That will protect you from him far more than soppy grief about an imaginary person.
CL continues to explain how disordered this particular type of FW is and why Broken Soul should stay far, far away (hugs).
This is an important opportunity to share those early financial red flags so that exploitive relationships can be ended by chumps ASAP.
Adults who are truly available for a committed relationship generally pay their own way or are transparent about their efforts toward financial independence.
The older I get, the more apt I would be to run a background check before lending money or accepting a housemate.
I am sorry this happened to you Soul (I won’t say broken. You may be hurting, but your kind soul still shines through).
The thing about fairy tales, is that the old ones, the real versions are a bit more applicable. Bluebeard’s Wife may have thought she had a great an rich husband, but opening his hidden room allowed her to escape with her life. Donkeyskin had to be cunning and life for a time in pain to escape the predatory love of her father. The Clever Maiden and the Robbers ultimately defends her home and sees through a deceptive suitor.
Appearances vs truth are a common theme in folktales, so when you wish for one, be careful that you just may get it. Love is just a feeling, and one that has lead many to dark places. Love, but keep both eyes open always.
You were the heroine OP. You trusted your gut to check his phone. You threw him out that night. You looked into Bluebeard’s room and saved yourself from a worse fate.
Now is the time to lock down your security. Change/update credit cards with new numbers. File tax returns quickly and use identification theft services. Freeze your credit. Change your locks. Go back over your statements for the last few months and check for fraudulent charges. Assume that there are no lows too low for a man like this and keep standing up for yourself.
Read about healthy relationships from reputable sources like the Gottman Institute, the boundaries CBT workbook, Scarleteen, and Emily Nagoski. Talk through this experience with a therapist and get support for your next relationship. Get practice accepting that you are worthy of love without having to be of use. Even if you don’t jump into save or solve all his problems. A real partner isn’t a bank, a therapist, or an appliance. If you hear a sob story take a step back and empathetically say “That’s awful, what do you plan to do?”.
You are a Mighty Soul, even if it doesn’t feel like it. A small man like this won’t be the ultimate undoing of you.
Tracy has some great informative posts here in the archives about the Gottmans…..they’re on my No Fly list as far as relationship resources go….
I am currently reading Jillian Turecki, Diego Perez (How To Love Better) who goes by the handle yung_pueblo on Instagram, and Case Kenny. Loving videos by Tim Fletcher. I also have a great therapist at the helm on my pit crew. Twelve step programs.
Mary Ellen O’Toole…former FBI profiler, wrote
Dangerous Instincts. Essential reading! No, you cannot always trust your gut. You still need to gather intel.
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Good to know! Happy to strike them off the list then.
There are so many woo-woo practitioners, it’s no wonder we have a hard time figuring out real world healthy relationships.
There is an entire Netflix series on scammers Love Con Revenge, a real eye opener on these con men. one guy conned his wife out of 2 million, another guy said his best friend took a bullet for him in Iraq and he needed money to send to this guys family because he felt so guilty, had a tattoo on his arm in tribute to the guy, turns out it was all a lie. These are the lengths these con men will go to. A woman lied about having MS created fake medical documents, her boyfriend gave her all kinds of money for her MS drugs, you got it she never had MS. Watch this series your jaw will drop. There are so many cases the cops don’t even look at it unless you can build a case with several other women who have been defrauded by the same man. The women on Love Con have a business to do just that.Its in the U.S. One half of the team is the girl who got taken on Tinder Swindler.
Feelings take time to fade away and die out. They don’t always evaporate instantly.
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….my initial comment is awaiting approval….stay tuned! XXOO
CL’s best advice is only two words long: get angry. This is a safe place to share feelings but the ability to compartmentalize and look objectively at what he did, will go a long way in processing, healing, and gaining a life. It sounds like it’s not in your nature, but use anger as your first fuel.
(take good care)
Thank you all so much for your beautiful comments, support and words of wisdom. And thank you to Chump Lady for hearing and sharing my story. I am still reconciling with the grief, the hurt and the anger. I wanted that happy ending so badly. I just hope these feelings go away as quickly as they came. In the meantime, I am grateful to have a very supportive group of friends & family..and now you all! I know i am not alone.