She Couldn’t Afford a Divorce But Did It Anyway

Four years ago, she was stuck with a cheater because she couldn’t afford a divorce. Eventually, she left anyway. This is how much better her life is now. Happy Tuesday!

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Hi Chump Lady,

I hope this message finds you well. It’s hard to believe I wrote you this letter four years ago, time really does fly! Well, it’s not quite Tuesday, but I wanted to give you an update on where I’m at now.

After I sent you that letter, I stayed in the marriage for another 1.5 years (I know, I know). I was completely worn out and paralyzed by despair, especially after giving birth. I finally found the courage to talk to a friend who had been through something similar in her first marriage. Until then, I hadn’t shared what was going on because I was still trying to protect FW’s reputation.

Her immediate response was, “Get out now, your life is in danger.”

Her ex-husband had literally tried to kill her, and she recognized enough similarities between him and my FW to know I needed to leave.

That was the turning point. I found the strength to confide in a family member, and they welcomed me and my kids into their home. It felt like a safe space for a few months, but once they realized I wasn’t going back to my marriage, their cultural and religious views about women, marriage, and divorce started to interfere. Suddenly, I wasn’t welcome anymore. I had to figure something out quickly.

I decided to make a career change.

Took a few courses, and after months of job searching, I landed a new job. A few months after that, my kids and I were able to move out. Things have been looking up ever since. The child I was worried about, who had developmental delays, has made huge strides in EVERY area since I left the marriage. She’s now an honor-roll student, performing three grade levels ahead of her peers. I’m convinced the toxic environment we were living in contributed to her delays. My other kids are also doing well, thriving, and so well-adjusted. They’re all growing into such beautiful, smart individuals. I’m a proud mama!

They do ask about their dad, but my response is that they’ll see him soon (he visits occasionally). It’s not the whole truth, but it’s not a lie either, just age-appropriate for now. I’ll explain things more as they grow older.

Since starting my new job, I’ve been promoted within just four months.

And I’m on track to hit six figures soon. I’m currently saving for a house, and I plan to start therapy soon to process everything. It hasn’t been an easy road. There have been some very difficult moments, and I’ve battled depression up until just a few weeks ago. I’ve also worked tirelessly to pay off the debt I inherited from FW and to fix my credit which was in the trash. Being a single mom of three small kids with almost no support (I’m still working on building a community) has been incredibly challenging. There were times when I didn’t know how I was going to keep going, but here I am.

I would choose this hard any day over the hell I was living in with FW.

I can’t thank you enough for the support you gave me during one of the darkest moments of my life. As a Christian, I was bombarded with so much well-meaning, but harmful, advice about reconciliation, often subtly blaming me for FW’s decisions. Finding you, Divorce Minister, and the CL and LACGAL community was like a breath of fresh air. For the first time, I felt understood and it really became a lifeline.

Thank you for responding to me, thank you for writing, and thank you for all the work you do. I plan to update you again when Tuesday finally arrives, but for now, I wanted to say thank you from the bottom of my heart.

And to any woman out there reading this who resonates with my first letter, whether you’re pregnant, and/or have small kids, or just feel stuck, please take a step. Tell a friend, confide in someone you trust, call the divorce helpline (they connected me to lawyers and other invaluable resources), and just move. Please do something. I leaned hard on CL’s advice and utilized WIC, SNAP, Medicaid, daycare assistance, etc. All of those resources were invaluable to me in getting on my feet.

If I hadn’t found the courage to take that first step, I would’ve wasted more years of my life.

Lost in confusion, in a fog, watching life pass me by while FW drained the life out of me. I didn’t know what was out there for me until I was brave enough to make that move. I didn’t know I could survive, I didn’t know I was beautiful, I didn’t know I was capable, I didn’t know I could have peace again.

Since leaving, my mental health has improved, my ulcers disappeared, my self-esteem is growing, and I’m better than ever at spotting manipulation and abuse in relationships.

There’s a Spanish saying that resonates with me: “el camino se hace al andar,” which means, “the path is created by walking.”

To anyone out there who feels stuck, let me reassure you: You will figure it out as you move. Yes, make a plan and use wisdom if you sense you’re in danger, but understand you may not be able to calculate everything down to the smallest detail. You certainly don’t have to do it all at once. The path will be created as you walk. 

You will make it.

You have a wonderful community of survivors cheering you on. Bet on yourself. You are worth it.

Chump Lady, thank you again. Truly. Until Tuesday 😊

Sincerely,

All the Ducks

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Dear All the Ducks,

It’s letters like yours that keep this blog going. Thank you SO MUCH for this update, which of course, I’m running on a Tuesday. (The Day The Pain Stops, for the newbies.)

I’m so proud of you for doing all the scary things.

You left a cheater, reinvented your career, made deep investments in an uncertain future through sheer faith in yourself. And scariest of all — you were vulnerable. You confided in friends and took shelter with a family member. Yet at every stage, you were able to pivot and adapt, to take the next step. Any one of those things would be mighty. But you’re an entire constellation of mightiness.

Thank you for providing a blue print and showing other chumps, similarly stuck, that it can be done.

Speaking for myself, when I was stuck, I had a lot of “I could never…” in my head. I could never call a help line. Or accept domestic violence legal assistance. Or look for a job that was going to pay so much less than the last job I had in Normal Times. But I knew I couldn’t stay where I was.

Move forward anyway.

The hardest letters I get are from women who are financially trapped. We live in a country with such a tenuous social safety net, I’m asking you all as voters and tax payers to support social services in your state and community. Donate to women’s shelters and legal resource centers. I owe my life to MidPenn Legal Services. I constantly recommend WomensLaw.org which has all the divorce statutes for every state and a legal services helpline. Even in this blighted world, there are people out there who want to help.

Ducks, as you learned, it’s amazing what you can do when you’re not wasting your life on a FW. All your talent and hard work are now redirected at you and your kids. Of COURSE they’re thriving. They have you, their mighty, sane mother. Your strength will be an example to them their entire lives and throughout the generations.

Thanks so much again for sharing your story. Happy Tuesday!