Should I Go to My Former In-Law’s Funeral?
Her divorce is recent and she’s wondering if she should go to her former father in-law’s funeral? She’s been no contact with her ex since he ran off with a younger woman.
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Dear Chump Lady,
My husband cheated on me after 40 years of marriage, 4 grown-up kids and 5 grandkids. He said he loved two people and the affair was not physical. Then I found proof it was physical and he had been lying to me. He left me. Came back. I took him back, agreed to counselling. Two weeks later he left me again saying he couldn’t do it and it wasn’t “good for him.”
I have just completed the final order of divorce.
Of course I have been flattened by the whole thing. I thought I had married a person of integrity. I was so wrong.
Anyway, his father is 93 and poorly. When he dies, I don’t want to go the funeral really, because I never want to see my Ex again. I was very fond of my father-in-law through the years, and he of me. But when Ex left me, and it all came out, FIL (who is a Methodist minister) just told me I had to forgive.
He had zero compassion for my pain and said he had to “support his son.” I felt so hurt by this and our relationship has become very distant since. So, I’m looking ahead to his funeral and wondering if I want to go. Maybe for old time’s sake?
But I do NOT want to see Ex again. I told him if he was going off with the other woman (15 years younger) then I would not be seeing him. He didn’t understand when I told him that! “But I still want to see you!” he said. He had no idea of my pain and his eyes were blank as if he couldn’t see me. Scary.
Should I go to my former father-in-law’s funeral?
I don’t want to look churlish by not going.
Thanks,
40 Years Lost
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Dear 40 Years Lost,
Your former father in-law is still alive, so if you have anything to say to him, say it now. Funerals are for the survivors (like your ex) and attendance isn’t mandatory.
The real question you’re asking is: do you have any obligation to show up for people who didn’t show up for you?
No.
That doesn’t make you churlish. It makes you a person who can read the room and realize you’re not welcome there. Your 40 years of service as a daughter in law didn’t register with your FIL. Neither did your pain of abandonment. So your absence shouldn’t be missed, because your presence was never considered from the beginning.
What might be missed are the services you provided and the roll you played as satellite to the Important Man, your ex-husband. A part that’s now being played by your Schmoopie successor. Let her work the receiving line and make the sandwiches. He fired you from that thankless job when he left you.
It’s okay to have boundaries. Even with dead people.
Two weeks later he left me again saying he couldn’t do it and it wasn’t “good for him.”
And to your ex, that’s who matters — HIM. You don’t have to agree. In fact, I think you should honor yourself and do what’s right for YOU.
I don’t want to go the funeral really, because I never want to see my Ex again.
There. See? You answered your own question. You don’t want to go. I am waving my magic Chump Lady wand and granting you permission to not go to your father-in-law’s funeral. Abracadabra! Ala Shazam!
Feel better?
But when Ex left me, and it all came out, FIL (who is a Methodist minister) just told me I had to forgive.
How convenient. And an interesting theological take on forgiveness. Did your cheater ex ask for forgiveness? Make any sort of restitution or public apology? Wear ashes and sackcloth? Or is this just some patriarchal bullshit? (I’ll take patriarchal bullshit for $200, Alex.)
Your FIL is 93, so this cultural misogyny is probably pretty ingrained. Stand down, wife appliance. Your services are no longer needed. Not only should you recognize your obsolescence and shut up about it, you should actively wish your FW well.
It’s okay to take a pass.
He had zero compassion for my pain and said he had to “support his son.”
Notice how he re-centered his son. That was a choice. Your ex-FIL could’ve reflected on the years you had together and wished you well in your new life. He could’ve said he was going to miss you. He could’ve asked to stay in touch. As a man of the cloth, he could’ve shared how upset and disappointed he was by his son’s cheating. There were MANY options on that decision tree and he went with “SUPPORT MY SON.”
Ouch.
I find it best to face the hard reality we’re dealt and not sugarcoat it. These men do not care about you. So why would you be a hand maiden to their impression management? If you go to your former father-in-law’s funeral, you’re telegraphing that whatever happened between you and your ex, you still consider him (and your dead FIL) family.
But that’s not the reality of divorce. Especially not divorce over infidelity.
I felt so hurt by this and our relationship has become very distant since. So, I’m looking ahead to his funeral and wondering if I want to go. Maybe for old time’s sake?
I’m looking ahead to his funeral too and hoping all that patriarchal “forgive your abuser” bullshit dies with him.
But I do NOT want to see Ex again. I told him if he was going off with the other woman (15 years younger) then I would not be seeing him.
You don’t control this.
YOU ARE DIVORCED. Who your ex goes with — his current Schmoopie or his fifth cousin — isn’t your business. You only control YOU. If seeing him with Schmoopie is too upsetting for you (as I imagine it would be), honor your feelings and don’t attend.
He didn’t understand when I told him that! “But I still want to see you!” he said.
Of course he does. Cake is delicious. Throws OW off balance and keeps her pick-me dancing and compliant. Your attendance tells the children that chucking your wife of 40 years for a younger Schmoopie is fine and normal. Look! There you are! Okay with it! Wishing him well! #sisterwives
He had no idea of my pain and his eyes were blank as if he couldn’t see me. Scary.
Props don’t feel pain.
I don’t want to look churlish by not going.
Who cares what people think? When it comes to judgement, I think showing up at your Methodist minister father’s funeral with your younger affair partner will get tongues wagging more than you will.
Send a floral arrangement or make a charitable donation in FIL’s name. Perhaps to a political party he hates or a women’s shelter. You do you.
You DID! You DID forgive! You took him back after d-day and went to counseling with him! Guess what, old man, your precious son then made the conscious choice to go with schmoopie. So much for forgiveness, eh?
Model self-respect to your kids, and don’t eat a shit sandwich at this old jackhole’s funeral.
This healed something in me- I did forgive him. Over and over actually, and he still woke up daily and chose AP
By choosing the AP he also chose to abandon all the vows he made in public and in front of his family, especially his pastor-father. And now the father abandons his daughter-in-law.
A brood of vipers I believe is the biblical term.
Oh, and …
… this was hilarious. 🤣
I’m with ChumpLady, you said you don’t want to go. That’s the answer. You don’t really want to go so don’t.
Because, in my experience, anything we do is seen as wrong and something to gossip about. There is no winning. So you should do what you want to do. Like when I didn’t look at my husband’s computer and try to figure out what was going on with him, I was a horrible wife who didn’t care if he was possibly having a mental breakdown. But when I did look at it, then I was an evil stalker who violated his privacy. Both of those actually came from the exact same person just a couple weeks apart.
The only way to win as a chump is to drop the rope and walk away. It’s brutally unfair after so many years though and I am sorry about that. Personally, I wouldn’t even send flowers, I’d just ignore it. If they’re going to gossip about me, they have to remember me on their own, I’m not going to remind them. But that’s how I handle it.
KatiePig, you brought up what hit me about this the most, sad to say: I disagree with Tracy on this. Not big time, just a little. I would not recommend that OP could send a floral arrangement. Unless it’s done anonymously.
I strongly feel if she can’t resist the siren’s call of being nice for a not-so-great-after-all father-in-law, she should do whatever she needs to do, just make sure nobody knows it was HER (or YOU, however you want to word it).
As Tracy pointed out, the FIL and obviously her wasband of many years did not care about her when the shit hit the fan. Let them go. They don’t miss you (despite wasband’s cries to tell her he will), and the way to meh is to really not involve yourself with THEM anymore. Again: let them go.
Just my opinion.🤷♂️
Funerals are for the living. I wouldn’t consider your relationship with your FIL in this at all. I wouldn’t go because of your FW.
But if there was someone else there? Maybe. But you don’t have to go. Not at all.
After my ex took off, I considered what I would do in this type of situation because I had significant issues with his family. Ultimately, I decided that I would deal with it if it came up, period. Years later, it hasn’t come up. At this point, they probably wouldn’t even contact me.
I definitely agree this is a situation you deal with when and if it ever occurs.
Yeah. My first thought was that it was odd that the OP is so fixated on this when the guy is alive. But then I realized that this is what happens with us chumps, me included, we think about a lot of these kinds of things that *could* happen, and haven’t yet. And in fairness to OP, the man is elderly! And death IS inevitable. I think it’s normal to consider all kinds of “what ifs” in our situation. And an elderly man’s funeral is not really a “what if”, it is a definite in the not so distant future.
But if OP doesn’t want to go, they shouldn’t. Period. I agree with someone else that said people will talk no matter which route she takes, might as well choose the option that she wants.
I do the same thing. I sometimes fret about what I would do if FW dies. He has made suicidal threats. I don’t think they are legit, I think they are just meant to try to control me, but you just never know. We have kids, the oldest is currently not speaking to him. Hasn’t been in months.
So I wouldn’t say I am constantly worrying about this, but I have on occasion thought “what would I do?” My kids shouldn’t go alone, but would his family WANT me there? I am on good terms with his family. They know how he is.Obviously they love him, he’s their blood but they won’t hate me for leaving an abuser. But if he were dead by his own hand and they were grieving? I might not be who they want to see in that moment.
Though if he died of just an illness or legit accident, I wouldn’t think of going as being so controversial.
My ex was in poor health most of our marriage and suicidal at times (one unsuccessful attempt), so after he left, my college kids wanted to talk about the “what if” related to Dad. I mostly listened and said that I would respect whatever they decided in that situation.
Then that expanded to his family. Same thing, it’s worth exploring, but let’s not decide now.
And of course, I brought all that up with my attorney, who explained legally how that would work if my STBX passed before and after the divorce was final.
But here we are. No funerals on that side of the family as far as I know. I’m still getting automatic payments, so I assume my ex is still alive.
You just never know. My ex MIL died about 15 years later. I didn’t go as I was no where near them, and I likely wouldn’t have anyway. They had a private gravesite funeral. I sent a card to my ex, and I sent a card to my son with a check ILO flowers.
My ex never sent a card or anything when my dad died a year later.
You just never know the in what order the bell will toll, regardless of age or health.
I was actively going through the divorce process when my fil passed away. We were only 20 days post fw moving out when it occurred. FW named me in the obituary as his ex wife. He made the decision for me as to whether or not I got to mourn the person I had, for 27 years, taken care of and celebrated like he was my own father. FW made that choice so that the people who showed up could offer not just their condolences on the loss of his father, but that he could get added sympathies for his divorce (which hadn’t even been filed yet, thanks to his failure to sign).
Trust that they suck. Don’t go.
So he used his father’s death to get attention and sympathy kibbles. Sick bastard.
Yes, they suck. Your particular sucky asshole probably told schmoopy that he was already divorced so he HAD to say you were the ex-wife in the obituary.
This would be an easy decision if I didn’t have kids, but I do quail when I think of the message it will send my kids if I don’t pay my respects to their grandmother. (Who abandoned them when their dad abandoned them and started treating them the way he did, i.e. seeing them twice a year and never talking about the rupture or mentioning me, their mother, ever again.)
sorry – posted something in the wrong place
The message you’ll be sending to your children if you don’t go is you don’t tolerate shitty people treating your children badly. The message you’ll be sending if you and they go is treating people, especially your own flesh and blood shittily, is just fine. Which message do you want to send? What do you want your children to learn from you?
Agreed. I’m in a similar situation with the ex MIL AND FIL after devoting myself to helping MIL for years. It hurts but let’s remember that those shitty people created the monster that is my ex. Apple, tree. I’d only attend their funerals to spit on their graves!
I dunno. To me, the message to my kids would be very clear — I don’t comfort people who betray me physically, emotionally, and financially. Self-respect is a great modeling behavior. That’s just how I see it though.
40 years of supporting specific other humans in the context of being “family” with them creates a serious pattern that can feel awkward to break, but (especially if it benefits you) the family part ended with XHs departure and his dad chose to not create a place for any ongoing (or even “meager but respectful” relationship with him. CL is SO correct on this. DONT GO and dont explain yourself to anyone (other than your kids if you feel like it but no obligation).
Dear 40YL,
My former MIL died in December. Unlike you with your former FIL, I was not close to my MIL. She treated me badly for most of the time I was with my ex (30+ years). I told friends that not having to deal with her anymore was one of the major perks of being divorced. After years of (blissful) silence, we finally spoke at my daughter’s wedding last July. My daughter and her father are estranged so ex MIL was the only family member from his side who was at the wedding. We were politely cordial. It was fine. But that changed nothing in my mind. She was still a shitty, narcissistic horror story of a woman and I still did not want her in my life. When she died I sent my ex a condolence card and felt that was more than enough. My kids are grown and did not need me to be at the funeral with them and that’s the only reason I could see going. I certainly wasn’t going to go to the funeral for my ex’s sake. And I certainly didn’t want to stand around and pretend a grief I didn’t feel. I would much rather be thought of as churlish than hypocritical and truthfully, I don’t care about anyone’s opinion of my decision other than my kids and they knew why I didn’t go. You owe your former FIL nothing and your ex even less.
Yes I went. My former father in law loved me when the rest of the family blamed me for my Xs affair. During times I had to be with x family and OW for kids programs..my father in law would find me in the crowded auditorium and whisper in my ear..you know I will ALWAYS love you. He did this repeatedly. When he died I begged a friend to drive me..and come with me. She did. I sat in the back of the church. When it came time for public testimonies and memories, I grabbed the microphone 🎤 from the deacon and told everyone in that little church how this man had stood by me when I had been forsaken. Yes out loud I said how much he meant to me through all the years.it was a moment in time. I left as soon as it was over with my friend. I did hug my former mother in law and sister in law and my kids that were there but I left quickly. It can be done as I kept Grey rock. It was so sad really because of family rejection, but he was my light. I could not stay silent.
I love what you said, mostly because your words really put your ex in his place (yes, I’m vindictive). Thank you for changing the narrative; every little step helps!
But also because it was a wonderful tribute to your FIL.
That brought tears to my eyes.
You are mighty.
This is very touching.
Thanks Tracy and other people who commented. I think you are right about the patriarchal bullshit. When I told my ex FIL that I couldn’t have ex H back as he wasn’t sorry and I didn’t feel safe with him any more, he said solemnly “When a wife says her husband is not welcome to come home, I know there is no hope for the marriage’!!!!! As if it was me who was causing the rift not the fact that my ex was having an affair and had been betraying me for 2 years! I was so hurt and flabbergasted at that
40 years lost. Your FIL is still alive. You have months to years to get a better idea of what you’ll do for a death. I know I obsessed about my daughter’s wedding and what I would do from the moment my X cut the cord and lift to have dinner with OW. Yes, the wedding was as awful, no worse, than I imagined but it was years later and I was stronger. Wait till things unfold and you will be in different place, maybe worse maybe better but different. Focus on what you have to do right now. That’s all I learned..today today today, survive today. That’s all I could deal with anyway. It is just the saddest, heart breaking thing to have to live in an emotional roller coaster survival mode of WHATS NEXT, WHAT WILL I DO IF. .. I live the same way. Things change so much and you will know what to do when the time comes, yes you will. It might not feel good at all, but you will do whatever you have to do with courage. Yes you will and you can. Mightily takes time
Your ex FIL apparently blessed every shitty action FW ever took. Don’t go and don’t give it a second thought. He was not supportive of you at all and acted like he owed you nothing so you owe nothing to him and his crappy family. It makes me wonder if he himself had been a Jesus cheater back in the day.
That was my thought too. FW father was a serial cheater himself who now denies all of it
Jesus. He didn’t COME home! Whether you would welcome FW or not is a moot point, because he was gallivanting off to the sunset anyway. Unbelievable — the twisted logic that always concludes with the chump at fault.
Sorry that both of these people are awful.
Rightfully so!!! What he said was so telling. I am so sorry.
I can relate because both my ex MIL and FIL are old and have cancer, and to varying degrees his family has shunned me after their son’s betrayal. I have thought a lot about whether I would go to their funerals and Tracy’s reply was SO helpful.
You have the support and understanding of Chump Nation, 40YL!
My cheater’s dad died a few months ago and I never gave it one thought….basically “meh.” 20+ years as my FIL. Idiot Stick texted letting me know and the funeral arrangements. I ignored her and went back to watching “Tulsa King.” It was the part where Dana Delaney told Sly “Hurry up and come to bed” with Learning To Fly playing in the background. Every man deserves “that look.”
Dear 40YL, I am so sorry you find yourself in this position. My situation was a bit different as we do not have kids, I am not sure what I’d have done in that case. But I’ll leave my experience with this predicament here just in case it might be useful to you.
FW left after 10 years for a younger woman. He left at the end of August, we signed the final divorce order at some point in November, and then like one week later his father unexpectedly suffered a stroke. People we had in common started telling me and, because there were still some open logistics, I was still in touch with FW, so I wrote him just to say people had told me and I was sorry and I wished him all the best (btw, I wasn’t and I really didn’t. His father was an asshole. I just didn’t want anyone to think of me as the bitter ex). He then wrote me a whole lot from the hospital. He wanted me to comfort him! I thought “Where is Schmoopie?” and proceeded to spend MANY hours just crying about that new mindfuck (I was the jealous controlling ex, why did he want me now?)
Then a few days later his father died. People started telling me, so I said how sorry I was. And then FW invited me to the wake. I felt like socially it was expected to me to go. I proceeded to cry many more hours just thinking that all his friends, who had made up a good portion of my social life, would be there looking at me like the control freak that he told them I was. My MIL would be there, Schmoopie would be there. I couldn’t stomach it. So I cried some more and then just said I couldn’t make it. I couldn’t understand why he’d want me there if I am such a monster, nor could I even imagine what I’d have said tto his friends.
I briefly considered going for exMIL, but of course FW would be there all the time, so I didn’t. When he left me, my MIL, who used to love me, just texted “I’m sorry and I know how you must be feeling”. But no offer to talk, no offer to stay in touch (she knew I’d tell the truth, lol), no nothing. So I texted her “I’m sorry and I know how you must be feeling”. This is the only thing I regret a little bit. It’s not her fault FW is a liar and she is spineless.
Four years later I found out that FW never actually told anyone he’d invited me, and no one actually expected me to attend. Why he wanted me there is beyond me. Either for image management (if she’s here, I’m not so bad), or to triangulate with Schmoopie. Both, most likely. Actually, in that same conversation I found out Schmoopie had already thrown him out just one week after he left me.
After this, FW went from “Pink is jealous and controlling” to “It’s not Pink, it’s me”. I never reacted to the new narrative, and I never regretted not going to the wake.
My bet is that he wanted you there (hospital and funeral) to amp up the drama. Kibbles at his own father’s illness and death, sheesh. Where is the bottom with these people?
Forgiveness is not a substitute for boundaries, nor should forgiveness eliminate consequences.
Well said. On D-Day (with my second FW husband), FW said he thought I should “forgive” him. I told him “I’ve already forgiven you”–which I truly had, for complex reasons having to do with his personality–“but that doesn’t mean I have to trust you or live with you.” That really stopped the “forgiveness” conversation right there.
I, too, was married for a long time (36 years) to a man I thought was a man of integrity, until he revealed he was not. His father was 93 when we divorced, and although my sister-in-law, who expressed her regret I would no longer be family, told me my father-in-law would be reaching out to me, he never did. CL is so right that men of this era are apt to see the wife as a “satellite to the important man.”
My father-in-law died the year after we divorced. My sister-in-law contacted me to invite me to the service, because, as she said, “I know the two of you were close.” (We were not. I was the provider of services to the “the important man.”) I made my excuses (I was 1000 miles from where they were holding the service.)
Do yourself a favor. Stay away. You may feel as if you want to assert your role and remind people of the decades of your membership in the family, and be there as a kind of object lesson about your husband’s rotten behavior, but that will be wasted effort on your part, unfortunately. Spare yourself the anguish.
My ex-MIL and I were extremely close. She too was chumped by my ex-FIL. They both remarried. XFIL to his younger, Schmoopie howorker and XMIL to a nice man she had little in common with. When Schmoopie cheated on xFIL and dumped him 12 years later, he convinced exMIL to divorce her hubby and remarry him.
Right after DDay, XMIL texted and told me that she knew what I was going through and loved me like a daughter. She then proceeded to tell me I was her son’s “right arm” and “lifeline” and I needed to “put my family back together.” She also laid out my chumpy behavior in great detail and told me her son “needed that.” As CL said, he is a very important man…
I immediately went no contact with her, but felt a lot of guilt about it. The fact that she repeatedly violated my boundaries and request for no contact lessened some of that guilt. She’s in her 80s and I too have worried about chump funeral etiquette, so I was grateful for today’s post.
As a 30-year chump, I’ve come to see xMIL as a big reason for why I stayed. Her post D day behavior demonstrated how she is very effective at normalizing and smoothing over her narcissistic children’s behavior. When her serial cheater daughter fake befriended a woman who had a toddler and had just given birth and started sleeping with her husband, xMIL was there to clean up the mess. XSIL’s AP was a teacher who soon after hooking up with her lost his license for making sexualized comments in the classroom. Ex in laws got him a job and loaned him money.
Would I have allowed myself to be chumped for so long if there wasn’t a fellow chump urging me on and providing the emotional support and validation her son is incapable of? If there’s an in law funeral in my future, I won’t feel guilty for not wanting to attend thanks to CL and CN.
Forty Years Lost, if there is a God and She/He is merciful, you won’t even know about the funeral. That’s what happened when my former FIL died. My crazy ex didn’t even bother telling our adult children their grandfather had died.
My XFIL died twice!
When XW returned from visited him in the hospital, she asked to move up the custody schedule so she could see the kids in person and they could start “grieving” their grandfather. Since my one and only coparenting principle is “don’t be an asshole”, of course I agreed.
I was much surprised to hear when he actually died, several months later. I went back and re-read my previous communication from XW and discovered that technically she had never said he died: she “only” said she needed to visit him because he had double pneumonia [so could I keep the kids?], and then that she needed to see the kids so they could “grieve” their grandfather.
So, I guess XW won. She tricked me into thinking her father had died and giving her an extra couple of days with the kids out of compassion. Kudos to her for that one. -BUT- I no longer believe anything she says. If I can’t independently confirm something, I treat it as if it doesn’t exist. If she’s willing to lie about her father’s death to get an extra weekend of custody, I can’t imagine anything she wouldn’t lie about. It really limits your ability to strike agreements with someone when you literally cannot imagine any way to trust any assertion that person makes.
As an aside: I’m sure in XW’s mind she didn’t lie to me and it’s my fault for not understanding that she was using the word “grieving” metaphorically, in a context in which any normal person would have interpreted the word literally. This led me down the rabbit hole of different forms of lying: this particular method is sometimes called “paltering”.
When a bank forgives a loan, they stop pursuing repayment.
They let you keep the money, and they end their business relationship with you.
So, yes, I have forgiven my former so-called husband.
Respect is earned. It is not something we owe another. That goes double for someone who has harmed me or colluded in harming me.
I don’t attend funerals of anyone who has harmed me or colluded in harming me.
PS…..
Check out Divorce Minister’s blog as an antidote to the tragic response to infidelity from your former FIL.
When fuckwit’s mother died, one of his flying monkey’s texted me the information. I just said, “why are you telling *me*?”. Then blocked them. 😆
That is exactly what I said to my ex when he called and said he and the whore were jetting off to LV to get married. I said “why are you telling me?” He said “I didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.” I just said ok, good bye. Do these nuts think we are sitting around waiting for the next installment of the novella “Life of a FW”.
How are you C6, have not see you in a while.
“Do these nuts think we are sitting around waiting for the next installment of the novella “Life of a FW”.”
Oh my goodness! That is hilarious.
Mine used to like to make sure I knew where he was going all the time. He celebrated his 6 month anniversary by going out to dinner with his gf. He spent the day sending me angry messages that I did not resoond to, then told me NOT to respond after 6pm because he was going out to celebrate an anniversary and he didnt want me to ruin it. I was as no contact as a person could get outside of having kids. I had spent the day not engaging in his one sided argument about nothing. There was zero chance of me respondingf after 6pm especially if HE stopped reaching out.
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I considered sending super triggering messages fron 6-9 just to make SURE to ruin his night. I didn’t do it. But imagine the audacity of ruining my day by yelling at me via text all day, onlyto demand I not ruin his night out?
I am so glad my situation didn’t happen when texting was available. My nut job, actually came over to my house after we were separated and accused me of calling the whore, and poor little whore was upset. First of all I never once called the whore, hell I only called him twice, once to tell him he wants a D he needs to get off his ass and file, and another time to tell him if his mother stole one more thing from my yard, I am calling the PD and filing a report.
But anyway, I just told him I never once called her, and that I didn’t care what either one of them was doing and even if I did, I wouldn’t give either of them the satisfaction. I must have been screaming, because he hightailed and ran out of the house like his ass was on fire. He never confronted me, again. I didn’t think much of it after he left, but in hindsight I realize he/she were likely trying to rile me up to spice up their frantic orgasms’. I assume they get kind of routine, when everyone knows about it, and no one gives a shit about what two turd covered in flies does.
Hi susie, I’m very well, thanks, and I hope you are too. x Fuckwit was blocked, (still is) so I assume the only way he thought he’d get a response was if he directed one of his fm’s to tell me the news. I’d forgotten all about her, so was astonished to say the least, but lost no time blocking the daft bint. 😆
I may have a different perspective but for me losing a parent is a profound loss. I honestly believe if exs aren’t on good terms a former spouse should not show up. It will cause drama which your children will experience. When my dad died I remember being worried that my ex(abuser) was going to show up and make it about him. Thank God he didn’t, he sent a peace lily which I felt was a good approach for him. While coping with my dad’s death the last thing I needed was someone there whom I had a bad relationship with.
My husbands ex wife (she was the cheater) showed up at the funeral knowing she wasn’t welcomed by him, she made it about her. It caused massive issues with their adult children. Relationships were ruined due to the drama that was caused. And most importantly, to this day my husband feels his ability to mourn his mom was stripped away from him because his ex wanted to put on a show.
I faced a similar situation–35 years of marriage, much-younger AP (12 years), an MIL who urged me to forgive because…God. She had zero empathy for my situation and literally embraced the AP only two weeks after FW fessed up to the 3-year affair.
Ex-MIL died about 2 years after FW left me. When I learned she was in hospice, I did write her a brief note, basically hoping that she wasn’t in too much pain. I had no qualms about not attending the funeral because I am NC and had not desire to see my ex and schmoopie. #boundaries
Also, I had no wish to console him. He fired me from that job.
I did have a desire to console my nieces, nephews, and sister-in-law. So, I invited them to my house for dinner a week after the funeral to offer them my personal condolences. I think that worked out well.
By the way, two of my adult kids (who are also NC) went to the funeral service. They snuck into the church after the service started and fled before it ended so as not to encounter their dad and wifetress.
One of the things I’ve learned in this entire process is the importance of not caring what people think! I’m focussing on trying to do what’s right for me. It’s a hard muscle to flex because it’s been flaccid for so many years. But damn it feels good 💪
“One of the things I’ve learned in this entire process is the importance of not caring what people think! I’m focussing on trying to do what’s right for me. It’s a hard muscle to flex because it’s been flaccid for so many years. But damn it feels good 💪”
It’s funny the FW moved out a year and a half ago and I am STILL getting used to the fact that I can do what *I* want now. He was very controlling so it’s just so many “little things”. It DOES feel good. (I know your comment was more about not caring what flying monkeys think…but your comment about flexing that muscle and not being used to it struck a chord with me)
“She had zero empathy for my situation and literally embraced the AP only two weeks after FW fessed up to the 3-year affair.” Spinach, I had the opposite post-marriage situation with my ex MIL. When I was married to her son, my MIL was forever complaining that I didn’t wear enough make-up or dress up enough. I’m quite sure she told people that was why we divorced – I wasn’t “fancy” enough. Then my ex brought his stripper bride home to meet his Mom. There was the abundance of make-up and dressy (if you think slutty is dressy) clothes MIL had been complaining about for decades. Just like that old saying: be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Suddenly the first wife didn’t look so bad. Hahaha.
This is one of those occasions when the Chump needs to do what is right for them. I would work on the assumption that the invitation (if they get one) to the Funeral/Wake/Whatever is just that; an invitation and not a summons. If going works for the Chump, then go …. and if it doesn’t, then don’t.
From my perspective, my MIL is in her mid-80s and not in the best of health. She and I still get on very well and, while I would like to go to her funeral when the time comes, I also have no desire to be in Ex-Mrs LFTT’s orbit either. I’m going with CL’s suggestion of saying anything that I need to say to her while she’s still alive.
LFTT
this:
Stand down, wife appliance. Your services are no longer needed.
Good to see all of you here at CN offer such sage advise, as always!! Every family / ex-family dynamic is different. In my case, I was not yet divorced (just separated) from cheater-pants when FIL died. Also, FIL was a cheating / abusive person. However, those 2 facts played no part in my decision. I did go to the Service, as I am still close to many in ex’s side of family. They all abhor what he did & still love & support me. Also, my (now former) MIL is a dear friend to this day. So, it really all depends on your relationship with those who still live on, as we know a funeral or memorial service is primarily for the purpose of comforting the bereaved. All this being said, 40 years lost, you have ZERO obligation to attend. In your case, I see nothing compelling that would suggest you attend. Love to all, as we continue to ForgeOn!
Married 20+ years when then wife said she wanted divorce, but there was no one else, blah, blah, blah. I of course discovered at least two active ones. Contested divorce, restraning order on her and absolutely zero contact from her family. Four years later I am remarried to a lovely compassionate nurse. Through some graduations and other life events my wife and former mother-in-law become quite chummy, exchanging hugs when they meet and depart. Mother-in-law passes away and my young adult sons want us to come to memorial service. It will be at the church where my brother-in-law is pastor and where he performed the ceremony when I married his sister.
Sweet.
Oh, we went. I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of and I was there to support my sons who were very close to “Grammy”. I shook hands with lots of congregants I knew and her AP weaseled up to shake my hand unannounced. I even got the microphone to tell a Grammy story, which my sons appreciated. I barely said a word to the XW and it was back to no contact afterwards.
Everyone follows their own path and may be at a different place when in-laws pass. Do what is right for you and your kids.
Cheating and abandonment after all those years is a very huge kind of abuse. You don’t want to go because you want to take care of yourself. Do that. You are deserving of self care, and much more. Know your worth. Be free. Trust your gut. Everything Tracy said.
I used to typically second guess myself when I was personally the target of bs. I know I’m not perfect so I’d always do a routine search of my own conscience and conduct to see where I might have offended someone or caused a misunderstanding. I think it’s a basic requirement of character and I believe it comes from a place of strength but, especially when I was younger and greener, I didn’t quite understand how assholes specialize in turning strengths into liabilities so I’d get periodically fucked with.
But after having kids, things became much clearer. If children are the target of toxic behavior, there ain’t no bones to make about who’s in the wrong. And the thing about having a disabled child is that everyone who’s got a capacity to be shitty is going to be predictably shitty in that direction. That’s how various extended family members finally truly exposed themselves. It caused a big revelation about their past petty and passive-aggressive nitpicking and mindfuckery. I stopped wringing my hands and trying to be judicious and just lopped off ties with an ax.
The telling moment was after I shared with one aunt by marriage the harrowing story how my then 7 year old disabled son had been physically abused by a classroom aide as part of the district’s underhanded campaign to deny my son an inclusive public education. This aunt responded by saying she thought disabled children shouldn’t be educated with “normal” kids because it might hold the latter back.
At the very instant she said this, a bolt of lightning hit the local power station and all the lights went out. I don’t believe in an interventionist God but my aunt certainly does and I think the timing freaked her out– maybe God didn’t actually love her more than other people? I had a bit of a laugh over that the whole thing was appalling and that was really the last straw as far as I was concerned. I had been trying to be kind to my elderly aunt by marriage once my uncle passed, especially since my late uncle had been incredibly supportive in my efforts to recover my son, even using his scientific knowledge to personally research my son’s condition and coming up with brilliant advice (that worked). I was initially worried that, because I’d been so overwhelmed dealing with my son’s chronic illness and school nightmare, I hadn’t been as in touch with family as I would have been otherwise. I wondered if there were hurt feelings over it because, after my uncle was gone, his surviving clan abruptly started cutting my kids and I out of a series of family events with no explanation, including a full blown 4th of July carnival on my cousin’s estate where half the local kids came. But my aunt casually divulged the real reason. OMG, ew. Social Calvinism. This was how she raised her entitled brood, none of whom resembled my uncle at all. It explained everything.
Cutting ties was like an exorcism and I felt liberated. I ignored all future hoovering attempts with a clear conscience. The thunderbolt was a nice touch to mark the occasion.
Heh. I love the thunderbolt! 😂
Her face. Too bad I’m not one of those people who catch everything on camera phone because even in the dim light of winter dusk her expression was classic “Er, uh oh…”
Hi Hell of a Chump:
A pity God’s aim was a bit off that day. My cousin, who has cerebral palsy and walks with difficulty with a pronounced gait, said as an adult that one gift of his condition is that it separates the wheat from the chaff fairly easily, and also that everyone has at least one disability, his just happens to be visible. This in reference to your aunt, whose congenitally tiny and hard heart is easily diagnosable based on her words, and sadly incurable.
You also wrote: “my late uncle had been incredibly supportive in my efforts to recover my son, even using his scientific knowledge to personally research my son’s condition and coming up with brilliant advice (that worked).”
If it is not a breach of your son’s privacy, I’d be quite interested in hearing about your late uncle’s medical advice and the condition successfully treated. I come from a family of doctors (not one myself) and we have great respect for medical treatments that have proven real-world efficacy. (But if you are uncomfortable sharing, no worries at all.) And a toast to your uncle, whose love reverberates through generations of his family.
Thank you so much for the warm hearted thoughts and sharp wit. My favorite combination! I had to laugh at the “congenitally tiny and hard heart is easily diagnosable based on her words, and sadly incurable.”
Your cousin really nailed it– wheat from chaff for sure. The perspective is different from the “fourth world” of disability and people who live with visible issues tend to age in “dog years” in terms of acquiring wisdom about human nature. My once profoundly disabled son is largely recovered but has that telltale keen interest in why people do the crazy, shitty things they do which I think clearly come from his early experience with discrimination. Don’t even get him started on Epstein island.
It’s interesting that my uncle (who’s nickname was Yoda lol) partly credits his philosophical approach to everything to a debilitating, near fatal illness in college that took more of a year out of his life and also his dyslexia. I’m sure being born at the end of the Depression and having an immigrant father from a rugged underdog rebel culture also weighed in.
In answer to your question, what my uncle researched was chelation for certain types of disabling autoimmune conditions (which I’d rather not name because it’s not that common and the treatment is still considered controversial). Not the herbal detox stuff but the hardcore medically supervised protocol. Heavy metal toxicity was already my uncle’s professional wheelhouse. His interest in it began when he was a marksman in the army. He became very familiar with the symptoms of lead exposure from handling ammo and developed a system for avoiding it. Then he later applied the knowledge to good effect as the founder of a green engineering company by hermetically sealing all the industrial equipment so that workers had zero exposure to metal dust, smelting agents, etc. The company was so green they were allowed to build several plants on nature reserves around the world in exchange for maintaining habitats which the company took very seriously. I’m sure my cousins screwed everything up once my uncle died but for 30 years the company was studied as a model for near zero emissions.
Anyway, my uncle researched detox for six months as he himself was dying of a rare form of cancer caused by– ironically– the metal amalgams in a joint replacement (which is still contested though every year there’s another study making a correlation). He understood that it was too late to save himself but guessed that our family might have a rare genetic susceptibility. Sure enough, he turned out to be right. He even found a team of specialists in a hospital that was exploring the relationship between toxins and autoimmunity. The team who performed chelation on my son said they’d never seen a kid with that much crap in them and associated it with an otherwise benign genetic methylation issue.
Kind of like a “roach motel,” what goes in doesn’t come out as it does with most people. It seems my family only evolved to live in the virgin forest but has a harder time in the industrial age. Because I had literally everything in our house professionally tested, I could only guess that the metals were coming from multiple sources and hither and yon such as the coastal bubble of overseas pollution that tends hover in certain seasons and rain down on everyone, not to mention many neighbors’ penchant for constant renovation, especially sanding the clapboard of their 200 year old houses without tents (I got to know the head of the state’s EPA on a first name basis). We also found out the city was constantly spraying herbicides on the highway at 4am so no one would complain but it had gotten into ground water.
I was scared about the treatment but was reassured it had been done safely for more than century and the toxicologists were top notch. It was easy-peasy with no side effects. In fact, it seemed like my son had taken E or something. He suddenly became very happy. Within one week of treatment, my son’s coordination returned and he taught himself to whistle and pedal a bike. He started playing pranks again as he had as a toddler. Within a month, his vocabulary exploded. Over a few years he went from 5th percentile in height to 95th and went from looking rather ashen and ill to blooming with health. His pediatrician was so blown away that he went on a radio show to discuss the case anonymously.
I think my kids’ pediatrician got it right that my son’s body simply couldn’t heal from anything with that heavy a toxic burden so getting rid of it fired a lot of things back up that had stopped working and started a cascade back to health. There were other measures I took to protect him on medical advice such as diet and nutrition and also avoiding toxic or chemical whatever. But proof’s in the pudding as they say. My son is now preparing to enter a college program for classical music. He takes t’ai chi and dance. He’s reading Tolstoy but prefers Kafka. I wish my uncle was alive to see how things turned out but I think he knew.
At my father-in-law’s funeral my (cheating) ex and his son got into a fist-fight. Stay home if you want to, but if you’re lucky maybe someone will punch him in the face for you.
So curious if any chumps out there have children that turned out to be cheaters and how they handled it? My mother in law was cheated on multiple times by her first husband, but now she supports my cheater ex. What is the psychology here? I am not in her shoes but if my kid cheats one day…. All hell will reign down
I’ve heard that phenomenon called “petrified Stockholm syndrome.” Stockholm syndrome is supposed to be typically a temporary (if sometimes lingering and stubborn) state of captor bonding. It usually passes once the person gets free from captivity and has time to regroup in relative safety. Then the false loyalty to their captors will fade.
Since it’s an effective survival mechanism to keep captors/abusers from destroying or killing you, it’s neither bad nor abnormal but just neutral and necessary. Even professional espionage agents know that, if captured and subjected to certain sustained emotional or physical stressors, everyone ultimately “bonds” with their captor for survival and to escape punishment. It’s why spies are never given whole parcels of state secrets but only bits and pieces because everyone in captivity predictably cracks like a piñata under interrogation and spills everything they know.
But some people who live their whole lives from birth being terrorized by raging assholes never emerge from captor bonding. It’s really all they know so they’ll reflexively cuddle up into loyal furry balls at the feet of whatever dangerous person is around them even if they’re not under direct threat.
The old theory in victimology is that most battered women suffered from this kind of permanent “hybristophilia” or attraction to dangerous people. But this turned out not to be true in a statistical sense. DV victims come from all walks and may even skew towards higher than average pre-abuse self esteem. This led some researchers to hypothesize that abusive personalities tend to prefer “big game”– confident healthy prey– rather than easy targets. These abusers specialize in appearing harmless and normal for as long as it takes to entrap their preferred targets.
But the easy targets still exist even if the majority of abusers consider them to be low hanging fruit and not very interesting prey. These are the people who always knee-jerkedly side with any abuser they encounter and tend to convulsively victim blame. It’s a way of groveling for amnesty from violence and abuse. I think these types are the saddest and most pathetic creatures on earth.
I don’t have a cheating child, but I do think it is really hard for folks to turn against their own child. I do think it is possible to be decent.
Families are just not the same after such a traumatic event as intimate betrayal. I was so close to my mother in law, but in the end blood was thicker than water. In the divorce I had to make a decision that affected her. It could have been prevented if her son had simply wrote a check; but he didn’t. He didn’t care anymore about her than he did me, but that really couldn’t be my problem anymore.
You’re not obliged to go- this man chose his cheating child over doing the right thing with you and brushed your pain aside like an inconvenient cobweb.
People are the same person, dead or alive and deserve to be treated the same way breathing or not- death does not magically turn people into decent humans, despite what most obituaries would have us believe- imagine if people told the truth more often there.
My ex sister in law of many years passed away at a young age and I didn’t go to her funeral because of her brother and father of my children.
My kids were pallbearers and said there were lots of pictures of me in the movie montage and none of the cheater AP which lightened the mood for them.
I also sent a card to my ex in-laws that was much appreciated.
“satellite to the Important Man”
CL, this is perfection.
If you go, go because it’s a NEED you have, not a want. Funerals aren’t for the dead-they are for the living and their grieving processes. I know somebody that famously sat in the alone in the balcony at the service of the father of their fuckwit-the apparent rationale was “the father is my family. The cheater isn’t.” Kinda have to admire that Mightiness!
I agree with our Fearless Leader-if you have a ledger you wish to clear up with him, now is the time (but that is firmly up to you). You otherwise owe neither him nor his idiot of a son a thing, respect or otherwise.
In that same situation? For me I think it would really depend on my relationship with the person. My fuckwit’s family stopped talking to me months before D-Day (I have rhapsodized on that previously.) That said, person that I am (and my own issues with grief and loss)-I’d find a way to pay my respects(I am a “visit the grave a year later” kinda guy.)
And if anything happened to my fuckwit? I’d like to say my response would be “c’est la vie” and continue with my day. Right now? Day I’m having? Being the figure standing in the distance at the gravesite in a black suit with a black parasol sounds like a fitting sendoff.
Have a Mighty Monday!
Donation to a charity in his name is a great idea. Especially if its a charity YOU believe in. But this needs to be something that helps you feel you have honored him in some way. It doesnt sound like he deserved irreverence. And dont expect accolades from people for the donation. Are your children going? Did they ask you to go with them? If your kids are going and want you to go and are willing to surround you and be your shield, I personally would go for them. But I would not interact with anyone who were jerks. They dont want to talk or interact with you anyways.
I didn’t go to my former MIL’s funeral. She passed away just over 2yrs after DD. She was in my life for 27yrs she didn’t reach out at all, not one phone call after DD and that was inexcusable to me. My young adult kids didn’t attend either. D19 is estranged from her Dad and no way wanted to see him. S22 is minimal contact. Their grandmother didn’t contact them either in fact not 1 person on FWs family contacted them, utterly disgusting. Of course FW was fuming and blamed me for not encouraging them to go and told our son he was disappointed they didn’t go and that they never reached out to ask how his Mum was!! No thought about what his family did to them at all, typical FW
At most, just send flowers to the funeral home. You don’t owe those people anything, but I think it’s best to be polite and acknowledge the loss.
The first year of my marriage, I tried so hard to please my religious in-laws. I wrote down the birthdays of everyone in the family and sent cards. I was well-behaved at family events. I did everything I thought I needed to do to win them over.
After a year, he cheated on me (I didn’t know) and suddenly wanted a divorce. I thought they would be appalled since they’re so religious and divorce is against the Bible. I thought they would be on my side.
Ha ha — NOPE. They told him to hurry up and divorce me and they would pay for it. They said to hurry up before I got pregnant and used the baby to “further” manipulate him.
All that effort and they were just a pair of religious hypocrites who didn’t actually care about sin or righteousness. If you subordinate your God to your children’s sin, your religion isn’t actually worth very much.
Lundy Bancroft actually mentions my ex-FIL in Why Does He Do That? as an anti-abuse psychologist, one of the “good” ones. What a weird world we live in.
Wait — what?!?! I wonder if Bancroft knows that? How appalling.
I was there for my ex when she lost her daughter, her grandparents, her aunt, her uncles, and her father.
My father passed away in front of me, and there was nothing I could do for anyone.
I needed my wife to be there for me.
“You have to get over it” was her response.
She abandons the marriage, her mom passes 4 months later.
She has people feel me out on her mom’s passing.
My response: “World’s smallest violin.”
I couldn’t be bothered to give a damn.
I didn’t go to the funeral, haven’t been to the gravesite.
Don’t care to.
There’s nothing for me there and no compelling reason to even bother.
40 years lost, your former father in law signalled the way forward.
Don’t bother with them, any of them.
There’s nothing for you there anymore.
My father-in-law told me, when my mother-in-law died of cancer, that I was the daughter he never had. When his son left me after 30 years, my father-in-law wanted nothing to do with me. Nothing. Told me to never visit even though I live only an hour away. I decided then and there that I wanted nothing to do with that horrid family ever again. I did not go to the funeral. I did not send flowers. I did not make a donation to any organization. People should not treat others so horribly. I guess I lost the “daughter he never had” status when the 21 years younger girl came and usurped my husband.
Reading this, I felt as if I’m watching a horror movie in a theater and I’m in the audience, screaming, “Don’t go in there!”
Don’t go. You don’t want to. Period. End of sentence. (Hugs)