My husband keeps cheating on me with the same woman. They were in a relationship before he and I got into one. For many years, I thought that they’d stopped. It was initially a 5-year gap before I found out about the second time. Our relationship has been threatened by her before we were married. Is it possible that he loves this woman? We have been together 14 years and by now it seems that he would have let her go. I have caught him with other women, but he eventually left them alone. With her, it seems to never end.
Your letter can be distilled to its first four words — “My husband keeps cheating.”
That’s your problem. Not with whom. It could be the persistent Schmoopie, the other Other Women, or goats. Why do you tolerate it? You get a vote, you know. He fucks around. What seems to never end, is you putting up with it. Don’t.
It’s not possible that he loves this woman. Or you. Or the goat. He loves himself and the rest of you are of use. He gets off on the power high.
Would it matter if he loved her? He might say he does. He might say he’s a jelly donut. It’s irrelevant. Is 14 years of chumpdom acceptable to you? Are you going to stick around for 15, 20, 50? You have 14 years of evidence that he’s a serial cheater. Nothing to work with, Torn.
Dear Chump Lady,
When my ex drops off the kids after visitation he brings OW with him and it really bugs me to have her in the driveway of my home. Ex and OW were having sex in my home before I kicked him out, so maybe why I’m a little more sensitive about her being here. Should I enforce a boundary and forbid her from being on my property or is that just kibbles for her? Should I just ignore it?
I think you should take a note from D.C. Mayor Muriel Bowser. Paint the goddamn driveway. During the George Floyd protests here last year, the mayor had the D.C. Public Works Department paint “Black Lives Matter” in 35-foot-tall yellow capital letters near the White House. A bold stroke!
Imagine, you could write “Betty Danowski Slept Here” in neon chalk (or whatever her name is). Heck, you could change the message for every drop-off. “HOSTAGE EXCHANGE HERE” or “Hi Betty! Is That Your Real Hair?” While this isn’t the meh we all aspire to, it would ensure that drop offs are as uncomfortable for her as they are for you.
Failing that, can your children walk the length of a driveway?
Dear Chump Lady,
How do I handle a narcissist?
Do not handle narcissists. They’re toxic. Like that can of old lead paint moldering in the back of your shed.
Deposit them at the nearest recycling center. Disposal is best left to the professionals.
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