So What Have You Done for YOU Lately?

tracyweldI didn’t realize quite what I vein I tapped when I asked for your best resentments. OMG — you’ve really made this awarding a mug thing difficult. It’s like trying to judge the Pain Olympics. I am so sorry for the plague of cheating, narcissistic fucktards out there and I propose that we begin shuttle service to Planet Narcissist immediately. (The only solution is a some kind of cosmic penal colony, preferably on a freezing planet with very little oxygen.)

But some of your posts gave me an idea (TimeHeals and Stephanie, I’m talking to you) — tell me, since DDay, what have you done for YOU lately? We’ve got over 300 comments of resentment — I want to hit just as much inspiration now, or more. You guys write to me off site and I know a bunch of you have gone to school after 40, gotten new degrees, lost weight, learned a skill, made a new friend.

It doesn’t even have to be awesome — don’t get competitive. Your only benchmark is YOU. If you’re in the early days and your big accomplishment is you fed your kids and took a shower — you’re in. What are you proud of? What’s been hard won? What fantastic indulgence are you enjoying now that fucktard is out of your life? Tell your fellow chumps.

I’ve mentioned it a few times here already, but I did several thing in my early days that helped a lot.

1) I found a job. Not an easy thing right after DDay, having only lived in that town a few months. I was steadily freelancing, but now I needed a gig with benefits that I could support myself and my son on. There’s not a lot of publishing work in Amish country, but I found a job at a farm newspaper and loved it. Even though it paid less than I made working for Jesuits 20 years earlier, I took it. Having a deadline, a community, and a steady pay check made the next couple years so much happier for me. I had a place to throw my energies, folks who appreciated me, and work and travel that kept me so busy I didn’t have a lot of time to dwell on life’s suckitude.

2) I bought art. Right after DDay, my parents surprised me with $500 at Christmas. I bought a piece of “outsider art” with it from a local gallery. It’s a carved stone head. I love that thing. I would never just plunk down that kind of money on an object (especially when you’re making less than what Jesuits pay), but I did it anyway. I still love looking at that head. It gave me such a thrill to buy it.

3) I learned to weld. (That’s me up there in my welding hat.) After I moved out, I took a local course on metal smithing, which for that semester was welding. The first class was all about how not to kill yourself. Later I did nearly that when my piece wasn’t properly grounded and electricity shot through my hand and cauterized a neat hole through the fleshy skin above my thumb. (A HOLE — clean through my hand!) Or when I nearly singed my eyebrows off trying to apply a patina. (It’s a crazy process that involves noxious chemicals and a blow torch.) It was totally kickass. You haven’t lived until you’ve used a plasma cutter to cut steel. Once you get over the intimidation factor, it’s exhilarating. My cure for the infidelity blues is to find your welding class, whatever that is. Makes some friends, injure yourself in new and interesting ways, and find your creativity.

So tell me, chumps, what have you done for you lately?

 

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mmburned
mmburned
10 years ago

Kicked ass at my first ZUMBA (I’m 58)
Lost 65 pounds
Grew my hair out – it looks fab
and
(drum roll)
learned how to smile and laugh again!

Danette
Danette
10 years ago
Reply to  mmburned

My hero! I want to follow in your footsteps!

mmburned
mmburned
10 years ago
Reply to  Danette

Thanks, Danette
It’s a long road which I’ve found started earlier that I ever imagined.
Tho my STBX is still covering his tracks financially, I’m hoping we can actually divorce before the end of the year.
THAT, my friends, will be the best day of my life. Bar none. Births, weddings, birthdays, holidays, successes for my kids, my family, my loved ones. All of it wil;l just be enhanced by the sparkle that will be my freedom from the buiggenst mistale I have ever made in my life. Now don’t get me wrong – had I not met my STBX< moved myself and my kids 5 states away, left the best job I ever had, suffered the full-term loss of a baby boy and celebrated the eventual beautiful baby – my beautiful 15 year old who has been the light of my life – and eventually as a result of all have found love and respect and compassion and caring from a widiwed man who has been a dear friend for over 20 years. Karma.

suddenly single
suddenly single
10 years ago

Refinanced my house, with just my name on the loan. Signed up for a golf clinic at the county golf course this month. Small steps but helpful. I am 17 months out from DDay. This sounds old but time does heal. Don’t forget to breathe.

jusduckie
jusduckie
10 years ago

I too refinanced my home. Feels great to be the sole owner!

Vivianne
Vivianne
10 years ago

2 years from D-day, 18 months from when he moved out. My previous career took a huge hit during the recession, and I’ve been a SAHM past 8 years anyway, so I went back to school. More than halfway through a Masters in Public Health, 3.9 GPA!

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  Vivianne

Vivianne, Congratulations!

Colleen
Colleen
10 years ago

The day after I threw him out, I had already been scheduled to return to school, and finish my degree. I was almost always the oldest person in the room, but I didn’t let it stop me. 4.0 the first semester. Not because I’m so much smarter than everyone else, but because it gave something to just me. I loved the process, the learning, the focus on something other than the train wreck of my life. I’m graduating, hopefully at least summa cum laude, Summer 2014.

The second thing that stands out is I competed in the Warrior Dash. At age 45. Climbed hay bales, scaled rope walls and crawled in mud under barbed wire. It was the most liberating, exhausting and thrilling thing I could have done for myself. Even though it’s completely ridiculous. The sense of accomplishment I felt when I crossed the finish line was truly empowering!

This was a great idea! Thank you!!

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago

I have packed all of my belongings to move closer to my kids. I move today. I’m hoping that a new place with no memories of her will get me out of limbo.
Pray for me

TennisHack625
TennisHack625
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

You’ll do great. After I moved out when I had my kids, I could be the dad I needed and they needed me to be. No drama…no second guesses.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  TennisHack625

Anyone who packs up and moves to be closer to their kids is going to be blessed. This will turn out better for you than you can ever imagine. I will say a prayer for you, but you are accumulating your own blessings.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

I AM MOVED IN!!!!! Thank you Doop, TennisHack and Chumpprincess. My kiddos are running around outside right now they seem to be very happy. On a grr note I brought a painting and some coats to my W and she made the underhanded comment oh you brought me some things a heads up would have been nice…….I ignored it. Just set the shit down abd talked to my kids. ‘Meh’ No? Lol love you guys

zyx321
zyx321
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Good news, rccola!
Another characteristic of chumps, our loved ones remain a priority for us.
My ex, meanwhile, is preparing to move thousands of miles AWAY from his kids.
Sad.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Z,

I wish my x would leave the kids with me and move thousands of miles away. She doesn’t deserve the love these two younglings give her. I say she can move with new man to whatever hell they want and I can raise them without any interference from her….Wishful thinking I know.

On a good note, I am looking up sculpture classes and traditional art classes. I’m gonna do this!

FLBright
FLBright
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Congrats RCCola – Sounds like you are headed in the right direction! Well done!

anudi
anudi
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Good going RC. What a great father your kids have!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Congratulations RC!!!

that’s awesome!

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

Here’s to a new day and to the beginning of new, happy memories in your new home.

Jamberry
Jamberry
10 years ago
Reply to  Doop

RCCola, you will get through this. Stay strong. You are in my prayers.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago

So its only been officially 1 month since I spoke to my ex and although that sounds short, it had never been done in 7 1/2 years…EVER. So I am kind of shocked by it.
Since then:
-I have gotten Botox (which I have been wanting)
-Gotten my second cartilage piercing

Brief note on the two above: I am petrified of needles, I have never even gotten my blood taken. So if I ever get in an accident and they need to know what type of blood type I am im basically screwed lol. I figured nothing could hurt as much as what he put me through,(the last one getting a woman pregnant) so whats a little needle?

-Took a painting class
-lost 20 pounds (Ive gained almost 70 since high school when we met. I know I dont look it but its still a sucky feeling) :/
-went to a dolphins game (yes, I know they suck) in my company’s executive suite
-started walking my dogs more
-Gotten a massage
-Started getting closer to my family and spending time with them more

I still struggle every day wondering about why I wasnt good enough in his eyes and if this woman and baby will make him happy but Im trying to move on and actually do something!

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina, it so isn’t you.

My H commented that his OW whined: you never talk to me.

Ha ha ha ha ha hahahahahahaaaaaaa…

It isn’t you. Its him.

Jim
Jim
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

It’s more than likely that this woman will have the same complaint a few years down the line. It wasn’t you. You know that, right?

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Jim

Eh yes and no. I try to tell myself that but its still hard because he always used to say taht he just wanted someone to understand him and when he gets upset to just leave him alone. He always used to say that I was 99% perfect I was just missimg those things and apparently this woman has those things (then again all 16 [those are the only ones that I know of] girls had those attributes when he cheated on me but then poof! It wasnt enough). Shes older too and I know he likes that. But it does feel good to know that he has already come back and said he was leaving her while she was pergnant (CL I hope youre right about there being a special ring for those who cheat on pregnant woman, even though I think she should be in her own ring as well).

I just alwaysa felt like his story changed based on what he was feeling at that moment and when I didnt get it that is when he would say I didnt listen.

About a month ago he came over balling his eyes out saying that he had more connection with the dog than her and couldnt live without me. Me, being stupid sadi I would take him back and he said he was leaving and just needed a place for his things. Later in the week you could tell he was re-thinking it and I got very upset and told him he should have never called me if he was going to do this and hopefully everything works out even though noting has and I said that he useed me for comfort. He then THANKED me for helping him realize that Im not the right one for him and I could be so hurtful and now him and her are getting along well and what not. All within one week…Always seemed to change however he felt at that moment.

Couldnt stand that I pointed out that his relationship was forced and they lied to each other. Apparently, I have no boundaries and say the most vicious things sometimes according to him.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Nope, he says hurtful shit to you in order to get you to defend and say something back. Then he accuses you of being vicious. It is not you, it is him and you need to go NC.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

agreed. he’s 100% mindfucking loser.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Yep, thats already done πŸ™‚

It does kind of bother me at the thought that they could make it work but Im trying to get over that.

Probably one of the hardest things to oversome is the insecurity that it was our combination that caused his reactions; that if he was with someone stronger or someone that listened to him he wouldnt be like this.

One time I recall was when we were engaged. I had recently (4– 5 months) found out that I contracted an STD from him (before then I had no idea he had slept with anyone else [come to find out there were at least 8 that he had sex with], I thought it was just kissing and flirting). I was trying to let it go and move on. He promised me that once we were engaged he would never cheat because then it is on a new level.

When he was outside and I decided to look through his phone and founding sexting between him and this girl at work (it was mostly her) which is the girl I think he got the STD from. I freaked and started screaming and even pushed him and pushed a table in his direction. He then jumped towards me and pushed me against the wall screaming for me to get the F out of his house. When he let me go he kept pushing me when I was on the ground trying to get my things. He then started cutting himself saying that he cant control himself around me and I drive him crazy. I started crying and trying to help him.

I know people say I shouldnt feel guilty over that situation but I do feel bad that I did push him, I was just so upset and hurt that it was happening because he “wasnt happy”.

Point being, He used to tell me that he no longer gets mad like he used to with her because she just walks away when she gets upset. Grant it theyve only known each other for 4 months, but it still feels like maybe it was the combo and he wouldnt have been that bad if I did just leave him alone when he asked. (By the way when I say leave alone I mean if he started getting upset he wanted to just walk away and wanted me to be ok with it, it especially happened when I would start crying. He would tell me to stop and leave him, alone for a while).

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina–I’m glad you’re in therapy.

If you aren’t sure you’re being helped in the way you need to be helped, you may need to shop around a bit more, even if you like your current therapist. Look for one who’s experienced with emotional abuse victims as well as infidelity (and infidelity is a form of abuse.

Two categories of your comments scream abuse survivor to me. First, you talk about your fears that your X will “win” by being with the OW. Abuse victims will often cite their desire to “win” as a reason for staying with someone who’s physically and/or emotionally abused them. Relationships aren’t contests, with the winner the one who’s able to last the longest. Rather, relationships are reciprocal. Both of you should benefit (see CL’s posts on how she felt when she met her current husband v. how her Narc behaved).

Second, you mention that if your behavior had somehow been different, your X would have refrained from behaving in an off-the-wall, unacceptable fashion. This, too, is common of abuse victims. They blame themselves, just as their abusers blame them (“Hey, it’s not my fault I called her a slut and a worthless fat bag that no one else would have. She didn’t give me my spaghetti in a 2:1 pasta to sauce ratio.”)

You can’t live like this because these people do not have normal rules. You will have to sacrifice yourself every waking second in order to figure out how to please them, and for them, it’s a huge power trip. Look! You’re their dog! They train you!

So yes, talk to your therapist about all of this. If you’re not working on the emotional abuse/infidelity connection, start shopping around for a therapist who does this sort of stuff routinely. It’s going to take some time, since that bastard worked on you for a long time, too. Maybe there are some support groups for abuse victims. Contact your local women’s shelter if you want referrals.

Above all, take care of yourself!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina L

I went through 4 therapists, only one of them was helpful to me. If your therapist is comfortable to you but isn’t able to help you, find another one. If all you do is go to sessions and talk and get nothing from the therapist, not good. It sounds like you need some structure and “homework”. Mindfulness or CBT type therapy might be what you are looking for. The first therapist I saw got upset when I told her I needed to find someone else, that is a RED flag the therapist is not professional and certainly not mentally in an appropriate place to help others.

I also saw a 5th therapist who practiced EMDR for my PTSD issues.

SUPER RED FLAG of abusers is one where they tell you it is your fault they did whatever destructive thing they did AND telling you that ONLY YOU CAN FIX THEM. Your ex is seening black and white, either you are his savior or you are his evil demon. That’s mental illness that YOU CANNOT FIX.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

In regards to the cutting, he’s done that since I’ve known him in high school. When I met him he told me that I was the one that got it to stop but 7 years later I’m the cause of it. He certainly didn’t do it often and before that I think it had been a few years since he did it if that makes any difference. He was weird like that, he could do something so extreme and then just stop. He would start smoking cigarettes contact antsy and then could just stop cold turkey. Same things with cutting and alcohol. I could never call him an addict because he could stop at an instant. We would fight about his behavior because I always worried about his health and by me nagging him about it it just pissed him off more and was more ammo for the whole ” you make things worse not better”.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

I do currently have a therapist and am quite comfortable with her but I’m not sure if she helps me the way I need. He had only put his hands on me one other time. And I know that is never ok but sometimes I wonder if I just kept my mouth shut and did what he asked when he was getting upset It wouldn’t have resulted in so many holes in the walls and broken doors and it would’ve been better ( he knew he had anger issues and would tell me to stop talking and leave him alone when he was getting angry. It just felt so often he told me to stop and half the time he used that to come up with excuses).

I just found out today that he proposed to her. He’s known her for 5 months, it’s been less than a year since he called off our wedding and he’s already engaged. I know I shouldn’t be but I am devastated. I always used to tell him that he has this vision of this house, 2 kids, three dogs and a wife and having this perfect life. But over the wife’s head he had a please insert here sign, as if it was interchangeable. He would tell me that’s crazy and it’s not true but that’s exactly what he did. It bothers me to think that she’s all happy with the life that I tried so hard for. He got everything he wanted.

I know I kept going back to him because part I loved him/ he made it sound like such an easy fix/ I didn’t think anyone would want me. Someone once told me that they felt like I had battered wife syndrome but I feel like that may be too extreme.

Do I think I can find happiness one day with someone now? Yes. But there is a part of me that want to see them fail because of everything I’ve gone through and don’t want me initial feeling of failure on my end. I feel like he’s done more for her than he ever did for me. How come I didn’t deserve that in his eyes. I had claimed to me that he doesn’t love her and is only with her for the baby and financial reasons but then he proposes? Everything he does and says is a riddle to me. That’s how I always felt and that’s why he said I didn’t understand him.

I know he’s already cheated on her with me ( mind you I believed him when he said he was leaving,I always blindedly believed him, whenever he spoke the fog came over me). Part of me wants to tell her like I wish someone told me. Another part wants to tell her to get back at him. Another part want to tell her almost as a way to verify that he will never speak to me again because I know if I went down that road he would never forgive me for ruining his whatever he has planned. Part of me doesn’t trust myself not to speak to him again. That would be my insurance. But the other part says she can figure it out herself.

I’d like to think that they won’t end up together and that he will do the same but my insecure side worries that if she has a different personality and is more like him in the way she deals with things then he could be happy. I’d like to see them go down in flames sooner rather than later but I have a feeling that having a baby together will bring them even closer and make him watch himself more and make it work.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Someone that is violent doesn’t deserve your time. My wife was the same way. She punched me in the face numerous times. Threw shit. Broke shit. I got the same thing she wanted to be left alone when she was angry and I had a hard time doong so cause I hated being.upset with each other. They suck. Youre abused so was I . So am I. I get to start a new life. I don’t have to wonder any more about who she is talking to or texting. Its my time. And its yours.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  RCCola

RCC, my heart goes out to you and everyone else who’s been physically abused. The emotional abuse mixed in with the physical. No one ever would stand for being struck if the abuser hadn’t done a major mind fuck first.

I hope you’ve had some therapy for this. I always wished my sister had seen another therapist besides the one who told her that she seemed to be coping well. My sister can separate intellect from emotion in a lot of ways, but those emotions need the work that a good therapist will demand.

STBX has never struck me, but infidelity is emotional abuse, and I know that I’ll need therapy to deal with the longer term repercussions, though I think life without him will seem like freedom.

RCCola
RCCola
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Kb,

I am seeing a therapist, it still rocks my world that I allowed her to hit me as much as I did. Her anger was crazy, from 0 to 1000 in less than a second. I don’t get it and probably wont. All I know is that it wasn’t my fault she hit me….Funny that I can think of the physical abuse that way but not the mental/emotional abuse. I still make excuses for her. Ugh stupid shit. I’m hoping that I can begin to see this as freedom and not a complete loss.

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Just reading through this all again and I hope it doesn’t feel like we’re judging you, in any way. I’m sure this idiot is very charming and “nice” (when it suits him). He’s a master con artist and he was with you because he found in you someone he could easily manipulate. There’s a darkness that lives within this man, that is too scary to even fathom. Timeheals mentioned that cutting is a marker for Borderline personality disorder and she is right. He is also extremely abusive— toxic, AND dangerous. But I also agree that some good work with a qualified therapist (and it might take a few to find the right one) can help you to understand better just what you have been dealing with. (((hugs))) again. We’re here for you.

Toni
Toni
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Whoops! The post about the kids was for RC.

Kristina,
PLEASE give yourself a chance! Just TRY your very best to go NC 1 hour, then 1 day, then 1 week at a time…READ all of CL’s main posts over and over so that they can sink in. Youv’ve given him so many chances … Please give yourself some!

Toni
Toni
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

So happy for you and even MORE happy for those lucky kids..:)

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Pretty sure cutting oneself is a red flag for Borderline Personality Disorder.

So… on the theme of “what are you doing for yourself?”, did you consider maybe a little time with a No-BS counselor just to go over why you allowed all of this for so long?

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

He’s a psychotic FREAK!!! He was fucking cutting himself?

honey, honey, honey… next time, he’ll cut you.

look, if you were right for this nut job, there would be something wrong with you. Oh, this bimbo is making it work with him???

yes, of course she is.

She’s a fucking masochist and its all sick and twisted.

you pushed him. is that all? you feel guilty?

why, honey?

He tore your fucking heart out and then put it on a plate with ketchup and slobbered it all up in one big gulp. belch. You had every right to defend your honor and I think he got off really easy.

you don’t make him crazy. he already was, is and will forever be so…

I am grateful that you are out of that situation. And BTW… he’s LYING. Don’t listen. Please do not be in contact with him. He’s a sadist who derives much pleasure from fucking with your sweet head!

big (((hugs)))!!!

TennisHack625
TennisHack625
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

You have to stop thinking he cheated on you. He is cheater and he will cheat on anyone. Its a disease not a personal attack.

Matt
Matt
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Whether he succeeds without you is immaterial. From your posts, someone not in your shoes can easily see that (1) your relationship with him was unhealthy, and (2) his relationship with the OW was unhealthy. Conclusion = he’s a guy who has unhealthy relationships. Those kind of people, unfortunately, exist.

The important point is not whether any cheating partners can succeed without their chump partners. The important point is that the chump partners can succeed first on their own and then second in a healthy relationship. SO first you have to be on your own and heal up. Wishing you all the best of luck in that endeavor.

Nomorechit
Nomorechit
10 years ago
Reply to  Matt

Nicely put Matt. Needed to hear that. Thank you, nmc

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina L
If you are not in therapy, please see someone, it will help. I see some mutual violence in your posts where you are not sure you reacted appropriately and I think you need to figure that out with a good therapist. It may well be that you both have issues dealing woth anger because of reasons no one on this board can know. Finding out about yourself and being your best person is way better than worrying whether your ex’s new girl deals with him better than you do. You will find someone who loves you, not him.

Smart Ass Texan
Smart Ass Texan
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Holy Crap !
He cheated at least 8 times.. gave you an STD… got T.O.W. pregnant..
and you STILL TOOK HIM BACK ?
OMG… just WHAT IS A DEAL BREAKER ?
Go to FB , “Cheating Should Never BE Tolerated “… a compliment to CL.
Never put up with Cheating !
N- E- V- E- R !!!!!!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina,

He is/was emotionally abusing you. I know what that looks like. I’ve been living it for almost 28 years. I’m still living it and I’m not even living with my STBX anymore.

Trust CL on this – your H sucks!! If he has a great relationship with her, she sucks! You know who doesn’t suck? YOU!

He treats/treated you abominally – that’s what HE did. That’s not you, that’s him. He has convinced you that you did something to deserve his treatment of you because in his mosquito brain, that makes his behavior all okie dokie, and if you accept what he’s telling you, then you’re validating his bullshit. Get a broom, a mop and some air freshner and clear that bullshit and its residue from your life.

I can tell by your posts that you are a kind and decent person. He’s a monkey’s ass. You deserve better than his treatment of you. You deserve to be honored, respected, cherished and loved. A monkey’s ass can only do what a monkey’s ass does – shit. If you want shit, then you want him. If you want something that’s not shit, accept that HE SUCKS and YOU DON’T.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

You know, now thinking about it, after he realized that he got her pregnant and had only known her for a month (but had partially already moved in, but was calling me from her house). He came over and cried to me saying, “as fucked up as this sounds I thought that I was just going to hang out with her for a month or two and just come back like I always do”. I never thought he realized his pattern because he supposedly left me because “they had the one thing that I didnt”. But he actually did know what he was doing.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Thank you Matt. It is much appreciated.

kb, that is a very good point, I never looked at it that way. I do remember feeling like he was basically saying this isnt worth my time and controlling when I could spek or could be heard. I also knew that he used to do that to give himself time to come up with a lie if he was caught doing something.

In regards to the choking situation, I kind of know that deep down I cant “make” him do anything, because what Ive been through has never made me cheat because thats not who I am. But I still struggle with CL’s “Trust that they suck” mantra. The concept of not having him is not what bothers me, its the concept that he could succeed with someone else is what bothers me. I think because it would make me feel like a failure. I tried so hard with everything for him. While I was driving 40 minutes just to see him for 30 when he lived on campus for a semester and taking his clothes home to wash he was having sex with someone else.

He cant live without me and I am so amazing, then Im just not right for him and I make him feel like he doesnt do anything right. I didnt know what the hell I was doing to get this. And to hear him say that he doesnt react like he did with me to her hurts so bad. But then he cheats on her and has better connection with a dog, but then they are getting along…?? I always fell like I am missing something or I got something wrong. I know people say you cant make sense out of nonsense but he had a way of making you feel like you were crazy and stupid for not being able to understand.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Healthy relationships aren’t characterized by one person walking out when they get upset. That’s conflict avoidance.

It’s also another way of showing you that it’s all about them.

Matt
Matt
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Kristina L.,

I hope this helps but reading your posts, my conclusion is that there is nothing to save about your relationship. He’s not healthy for you, or anyone. Who he is does not reflect who you are. Only you reflect who you are. That is the point of CL’s post today…what good things have you done for you? Good luck to you.

Kristina L
Kristina L
10 years ago
Reply to  Kristina L

Oh yes and found a way to get myself out of the huge financial hole that I dug when being with him, within 2 years!

Doop
Doop
10 years ago

I completely re-landscaped the back yard – fixed the sprinkler system (by myself!), hauled in, planted, and nurtured trees and shrubs, selected gorgeous perennials that are thriving, got all new outdoor furniture. It became a sanctuary. I learned to grill, which was a big deal because that was definitely his purview.

I reclaimed my home.
I repainted, redecorated, took down art we had selected together…I’ll fill the walls as time passes and new pieces speak to me.

My home is once again a place of peace and serenity, as it was before The Troubles.

Rachel
Rachel
10 years ago
Reply to  Doop

This is badass. I am hoping to do exactly what you are doing once I get a promotion and refinance the house in my name. Cheers to you!

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  Rachel

Thanks Rachel! It has been awesome. You can start the process now in your mind’s eye…your imagination and vision will be all ready once you get the re-fi! In my next life, I want to work at the garden center.

Danette
Danette
10 years ago
Reply to  Doop

Yes! Yes! Yes! I couldn’t even feel comfortable sitting on my deck with a glass of wine because my husband was in recovery. I am so done with dumbing down my life because of his lack of control and moral compass!!!!!!

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  Danette

Cheers, Danette!
*clink*clink*

Jamberry
Jamberry
10 years ago

1. I stopped dumping sugar in my endless cups of coffee. Have lost 45 pounds and am 8 pounds away from no longer being overweight.

2. I colored my hair. It is now the warm, nutty brown of my thirties.

3. Bought a up-lift bra. Fraudulent but makes me feel so good about myself when I look in the mirror.

4. All the care and attention I lavished on my unfaithful husband has been diverted back to me. I deserve it and I SINCERELY APPRECIATE that attention.

The reader comments inspire me! Keep up the great work, fellow chumps! Hugs to you, survivors and warriors!

loula
loula
10 years ago
Reply to  Jamberry

Not fraudulent, LOL, just repositioned πŸ™‚ Push-up bras are the best cheer-up out there!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Jamberry

Jamberry…love that you bought a great new bra! Something about our boobs looking good is so….uplifting. πŸ˜‰

Martha
Martha
10 years ago
Reply to  Jamberry

LOL, Jam – I just bought a new bra this morning! I hate bra shopping but it was well worth it. Gives a girl a boost for sure.

Jamberry
Jamberry
10 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yay for you, Martha!

Alyosha
Alyosha
10 years ago

Gained 8 lbs of lean muscle in 9 months (Confirmed by hydrostatic measurement — doesn’t sound that impressive but it takes a lot of hard work at age 44). Right now I’m evaluating VC funding for a new business.

Most importantly, I stopped apologizing for being me, cut all the dead weight phonies out of my social circle, and learned to smile again.

I could have never accomplished any of this being married to my cheating, conniving, social climbing ex.

vallapalla
vallapalla
10 years ago
Reply to  Alyosha

8 lbs of muscle in 9 months is incredibly impressive, especially at mid-40’s. Wow, wtg, you have inspired me!

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  vallapalla

I agree. It is very impressive!

I’ve lost weight, but stage 2 will be going back to free weights. Squats and deadlifts–oh the delicious pain!

donewit
donewit
10 years ago

Well I did a few things for myself:
(1) Went to the local thrift stores and bought a whole new wardrobe – I could afford new, but I LOVE thrift store shopping and was never ‘allowed’ when married.
(2) Took up running again, this time with my new dog that my ex hates and I adore – we run once or twice a week and it’s good for both of us
(3) Tore apart my house – I love building and renovating as a way to de-stress and so I tore apart my entry way and started with that. I put it together again with the help of friends and family and it is amazing
(4) I cooked and invited friends over for supper, I had open house parties with potluck as a theme
(5) I indulged and went to a waxing place to have my legs waxed (I have a standing appt now for my indulgent streak – once every 8 weeks)

Oh and I cut my hair short – my ex always hated short hair and I wouldn’t cut it because he complained so much. I love my new haircut!

Oh and the big one – I almost forgot. I got two tattoos. I never liked tattoos before, but this was a monumental change for me and I wanted to honor it – so on one shoulder I have my old nickname that I think represents me as a person and on the other I have a baby goose on water sleeping which represents my son (we called him goose) and I have his initials on the edge of the water.

Patsy
Patsy
10 years ago
Reply to  donewit

Ooooh!

(4) – so important. My H was deeply antisocial and had no friends, so this is a BIGGIE for me.

Thanks for the reminder!

donewit
donewit
10 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

I couldn’t believe how much I missed having people over…now I have neighbours drop by unannounced for coffee or tea, friends pop by to see if I need help with putting up drywall or taking down drywall and I have friends to ask me over for dinner and I do the same and it is wonderful!

KT
KT
10 years ago

I’m still married and trying to work on things, but things aren’t as they were. There’s been a huge change in my attitude. All of you folks here at Chump Lady (and Chump Lady herself) are responsible for a seismic shift in my world view. Watch out!

What I’ve done for myself:
1. I had took the plunge and went back to graduate school while working. My employer is paying for it. In the past, I would have foregone it because DH hates “babysitting” the kids. I’ve worked damn hard to further his career. He can do the same for me.
2. I’m setting realistic boundaries in our relationship. I do things for him and make it clear that I care about him. I also stand my ground on his narc tantrums and don’t let myself be drawn in.

annie
annie
10 years ago
Reply to  KT

Me too KT, and it’s damn hard and I don’t think it will last, but I will always know I gave it my best. I lost 35 lbs and feel great. Then I went and signed myself up for a motorcycle class (on my own!) , passed and got my license, bought a HD 1200 sportster and now I turn heads when I’m cruising along! Feels great!

Cindy
Cindy
10 years ago

I exercise 5 days a week, walking, biking, weight resistance training. It’s glorious, it frees my mind from all the claptrap surrounding my former life with Uncle daddy.
I got my last two daughters off to college. Now I am working on moving out of my big, old, needing-of-major-repairs house, and moving into a smaller 2 bedroom, just enough for me and the girls when they come home.
I go out to dinner every Friday with a group of girlfriends I have had since well before my marriage. I was never able to hang out with them while Uncle daddy was around. He was very jealous of any time I spent with those awesome females.
I am that much closer to “meh.”

donewit
donewit
10 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

I want to get to more exercise and that is awesome Cindy! Hanging around with supportive friends is soooo important

jazzvox
jazzvox
10 years ago

I have made a concerted effort to reconnect with dear friends with whom I did not spend much time over the past 14 years, due to working fulltime, being married and raising a daughter. Now that I don’t have that married thing going on (and therefore the STBX spends a certain number of days with our daughter) I have been able to rekindle a social life of my own.

kb
kb
10 years ago

I will want to revisit this once I file and am free. In the short term…

1) I went on a diet and lost 55 lbs. I have a couple of pounds more to go to reach the weight I was when I first got married. Initially, I wanted to lose weight to increase my chances of getting a better job, but loved the fact that people started to notice that I actually look good. This is a huge ego boost, as my STBX is currently “withholding affection”–not that I’d want him to touch me ever again.

2) I got a better job. I loved my old one, but it would barely pay rent, let alone support me with 2 dogs, pay on a car, etc. The new one doesn’t leave me a lot of room for spending, but I can definitely support myself on the pay. Plus, it’s a big step up in responsibility and opens up future prospects in what is a niche market.

3) I bought a gaming laptop. At 6.5lbs, it’s not exactly the most portable device, but I can take it with me on vacations or when I compete with my dogs. Currently, it’s serving as a desktop replacement until I am in a new place sans STBX.

4) I went clothes shopping with a vengeance. I’m not typically a shopper, at least not for clothes (but give me a big budget and an online electronics/computer parts store and watch me go), but I need a new wardrobe to go with the new job, which has a more corporate dress code. I love suits. They look good on me. I need more. I wore a skirt to work for the first time in 10 years.

5) I fix food that I like to eat. Oh sure, I do give a nod to STBX’s tastes, but no longer do I feel constrained to plan our meals around them. I’m eating way more vegetables (I go through about 4 lbs or more of vegetables by myself) and a lot fewer simple carbs.

Post-Divorce, my fantasy list includes:

1) Build new computer rig (TimeHeals, I’m with you on that one!). I love gaming, and I hope to find some sane people to play tabletop games with.

2) Spend a LOT more time training my dogs. I got into dog sports a couple of years ago, and love it. Also, I enjoy training the dogs and working on specific behaviors. I will be able to do a lot more with the dogs once STBX is out of the picture, as he consciously subverts what I do with the dogs.

3) Buy a house with land. I’ve been driving around looking at property. I think I’d go mobile/manufactured if the land were right (need level land for the dogs). Bonus for large outbuildings (dog training in the winter), and I’m considering chickens. Not sure what do do with the dogs at lunch, but I can figure it out.

4) Save up money for a couple of years, then get a late model van for–you guessed it–dogs! I have wanted a van since we got 2 pets, and certainly with the 2nd dog.

5) Start going to church again. I’d stopped in order to be able to spend more time at home with STBX since he was always working. Sunday mornings were one of the few times we did have together. I miss church, and the really nice people I met there. Also choir, as I sang for several years in the choir.

6) Have friends over to the house and cook dinner for them without worrying that the smell from the wonderful garlic sauce would linger for the rest of the evening. STBX hates any kind of kitchen smell, which is rough when you try to cook dinner.

7) Eat leftovers for meals. STBX hates leftovers, which means our food budget is hellaciously high. In grad school, I’d make a meal out of a cooking magazine, and then have it over the next few days.

8) Buy a deep freeze to deal with leftovers so I can have a cooking free week every once in a while.

9) Put in the garden I want. I’m not a great gardener, but I love herbs and roses. I’d grow vegetables, too. Also, I want fruit trees.

All of this is in the fantasy land. I will check back post divorce to update. πŸ™‚

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

Leftovers are AWESOME! All the flavors have mellowed, sometimes they’re in their perfect little glass containers so all you have to do is heat a serving, and it’s so tidy and neat….

chumpattny
chumpattny
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

My counselor urges me to do something for me as well. I just can’t find anything I want for me, that I can obtain, personally, or otherwise. Right now I’m still living for the kids, and fighting the eternal custody battle.

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  chumpattny

One of the most helpful steps I took, when I could not envision a life or having interests beyond asking “why?”, was to join a Rebuilders group. It was a group based on the book Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends. We met each Sunday evening for ten weeks. It got me out of the house and I was surrounded by people who were dealing with endings (with many different reasons for those endings) and who were at different stages of healing. We had some group outings and gave each other a lot of support and encouragement. My group was not through a church, but many are. Before this, I was not a real joiner, but rebuilders and AlAnon helped me find the face to face support and honest interaction I really needed.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL, I love that advice – “start small.”

I beat myself up for so long because people kept suggesting I “do xx for myself,” and the ideas just weren’t right for me. Trouble was, I felt like a failure because I couldn’t figure out what WAS right for me. So I’ve been trying harder to appreciate the little things I’ve done for myself along the way (a massage here and there, getting out for a walk, putting on makeup and nice clothes to run errands). Now I find myself working up to bigger things like attending yoga classes, making more of an effort to connect with other moms from my son’s class, joining Match (um, that one didn’t work out!), signing up for an intro to glass-blowing class, etc.

Many of us have isolated for so long that we need to be easy on ourselves if it takes time to get back out in the world.

zyx321
zyx321
10 years ago
Reply to  chumpattny

chmpattny: any local Meetup.com groups? I do not go regularly, but I have done a few hikes, pickup soccer, and am considering a book club. You could also start your own.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago

I kicked his ass to the curb. I divorced him. Purged the house of ALL HIS SHIT.

That felt good!

Got a new bed and new linens–Queen instead of Cal King. (Overstock.com has great deals on mattresses and they deliver to your front door. No sharky salesmen. Can’t say enough how happy that’s made me.) Put the like-new “old” bed on Craigs List and sold it for a couple hundred dollars from my garage.

I’ve sold quite a few things on E-bay and Craig’s List. That is actually pretty fun!

I finally put my foot down on his “vacation” home that was eating all our income and forced xH to sell it, FINALLY! What a weight lifted off! The hemorrhaging was over! I finally exercised my strong opinion and insisted rather than hoped he would let go of it. Got a nice tax refund on the hundreds of thousands of dollars of loss we’d incurred to pay for his dream piece of shit. It is a MIRACLE it sold. It was ugly and had so many problems. Thank GOD that is over. I used to work my ass off at that place. I’m sure the last time we were there, he was texting the twat troll while I cleaned the tenant’s toilets. Nice.

His mother kicked me off the family Costco account, like a punch to the stomach to find out in line as I was paying, so I have my own account now. Fuck ’em all. Bought tires for my car at Costco.

Bought his half of MY verrrry modest house. Financed it on line (At bankrate.com as recommended by consumer advocate Clark Howard–so I knew I could trust them) faster than xH could take a breath. Paid him his half lickety split–at the BOTTOM of the market. (Sucks to suck, my friend.) When he whined about having to pay a $30 banking transfer fee, I shrugged my shoulders and laughed. I think he was stunned. When he demanded interest, I sighed and wrote him a check and dusted off my hands. He’s an ass.

Went to Ikea and Craig’s List and started furnishing the house for the first time with furniture that an adult would have, as opposed to what a college kid would have. I am in my mid-40’s. It’s about damned time. Didn’t have to get his approval. Ikea delivers. My car holds a ton of Craig’s List finds.

I’m getting ready to put in a new floor in my home, to replace my 1980’s vinyl. Home Depot sells a vinyl plank that you click together like a puzzle. All the reviews say it is easy and looks great. I finally ripped out the 1950’s cabinets and blue formica counter top (have the bruises and cuts to prove it, like a boss) and am getting Ikea cabinets for my verrrrrrrry small kitchen. Finally! I replaced all the light fixtures inside the house. Looks SO much better than the painted-over dark fixtures this house used to have.

Took my kids and dogs on a road trip to LA. Been on a few other vacays. Arranged all by myself. Went to Vegas with my girlfriends for girls’ weekend.

Did I mention? I got a second dog. Because I wanted to. xH HATES that dog and has threatened to kick her because she barks at him. She knows a jerk when she sees one. And he can stay the fuck off MY property, that’s what he can do.

Bought cheap tools (and put tools on my Christmas list) and learned how to build a fence to replace one that was falling over in the back yard. I built that fence. My friends are impressed. So am I. Fuck yeah. Youtube is my home improvement BUDDY!

Went into the attic crawl space to replace the bathroom ceiling fans. Found out that quite a few of my female friends are adept with tools and even one has been in the attic crawl space to do work on her home–her husband bragged about it. I’m going to look for a man like that. My home improvement friends are hugely inspirational! So is Youtube.

I volunteer at my kids’ school. I moved two of my kids to two colleges. I have been here for my kids and they know it. We have a lot of good memories and laughs that xH will never have with them.

Went to a couple of SF Giants games. I love going to baseball games. xH would never go with me. Now I go with friends.

I have made a lot of new friends. I have gained a new perspective on divorce and single parenthood. I think I’ve inspired a few folks.

I wear a lot of dresses now. Ross has them for cheap!

Life is good for me.

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

You rock Stephanie!

Jim
Jim
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Very impressed!

A Fan
A Fan
10 years ago
Reply to  Jim

This is all sorts of fabulous!

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  A Fan

Stephanie,
You made me laugh out loud. I am so happy for you!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Wow, Stephanie, you are the ultimate DIY hero! That’s some awesome accomplishments on your list.

TJ
TJ
10 years ago

Bought new gear and started climbing again. The Douche always refused to go, so my favorite hobby was stuffed in the closet the last 12 years. Now me and my kids hit the mountains every weekend and I’m a belay machine.

I also slurged and bought a new thermostat. It doesn’t sound very interesting, but this device is so cool. It looks like an old iPod and it remembers my habits and programs itself. This is something I never would have considered when living with my ex asshole.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago

For me, it hasn’t been that long since DDay #2 really (11 months almost) and since my Divorce was finals (5 months).

The first thing I did was just start walking my two dogs. That was just to get myself out of the house for something aside from grocery shopping since I work from home.

I have walked those dogs about 3 miles a day and have worn out the soles on two pairs of shoes. There have been multiple benefits to this activity:

1. It is usually my moment of Zen. I get out of my own head and just tune into the moment while walking.

2. I am now known to all my neighbors as at least “the guy who walks his two Shar Peis every day. I see them, we wave, and sometimes we chat. I am getting to know my neighbors for the first time in all the years I have lived here (8 years).

3. Lost more than 45lbs without dieting, better bone density.

As I recently posted, I am now waiting for parts to begin building my HTPC/Gaming right, and I have spent the better part of my spare time over the last week preparing for that.

I have also done home repairs, whipped the yard back into shape, managed to invest about 8K more into various stocks in my brokerage account and am saving for a new car.

I have joined a couple groups on Meetup, but I haven’t actually gone to any Meetup events yet. In due time, I expect.

Things seem to be going very good right now. I am now generally optimistic and happy. Much happier for much longer than at any point while I was married.

Looking back, I don’t know why I married somebody who seemed to create so many problems and so much drama and make so little a contribution. Things are definitely on a better track now.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

err… “gaming rig”, not “right”. and “final” not “finals” (I am not taking a test unless typing here is that test). πŸ™‚

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

“Looking back, I don’t know why I married somebody who seemed to create so many problems and so much drama and make so little a contribution.”
Ditto that THs, that is exactly how I feel! I know part of my problem was falling for him being ‘childlike’, which used to seem fun. Not so much as things snowballed over the years. Now I figured out what I like, it’s sure NOT drama and babyish behavior, I love peace, and security!
I hope to get a dog, maybe next year, Shar Peis are really cute!

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago

I am sure xH also has a lot of cool stories about all the adventures he’s been on with his hot new babe twat troll.

The difference between him and me, though, is that his new life is built on lies and deceit and a shit ton of overwhelming destruction, none of which can be overcome by any degree of awesomeness that he seeks in his trips to Hawaii or kayaking or sailing or whatever he is doing. If he’d done all he’s done without hurting his kids, without being a complete fraud and coward, I’d imagine he could sleep well at night, knowing he is living a good life.

We chumps have earned any of our blessings and accomplishments the righteous way, and these are so much more soul satisfying, however modest, than any frantic thing the cheater does.

Good on you all. I’m so proud of all of us.

Matt
Matt
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

For what it’s worth, I personally don’t think a cheater can ever lay claim to the mantle of “living a good life.” You can’t live a good life without honor, and someone who cheats on their spouse and/or the parent of their kids defines a person without honor. It’s kind of like saying Bernie Madoff, pre-conviction, had an awesome life with all his wealth and possessions. No he did not. Stephanie, I would rather be you or me any day!!

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Matt

Amen Matt

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Matt

High five, Matt!

Preya
Preya
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

His life is so frantic because he’s still so empty of any feeling inside. He’s trying to cover his messy insides with a frantic life on the outside. I think cheaters try to feel things other than emptiness, and a lack of feeling. That’s part of why they cheat. No question, his internal life is not awesome, consequently, his life is not awesome. Trips to Hawaii, etc., do not make a life awesome. Your life is awesome, Stephanie!

Nomorechit
Nomorechit
10 years ago

Since dday 6 months ago (and I am 49 years old and will be 50 next month but thats another post), I have vacationed alone with our son, reconnected with my family and friends, grown my hair out, lost 20 lbs. I also will be going to Alaska, a trip that was on my bucket list and one that fucktard himmed n hawed about forever.
Oh yeah, I have now gone more than 3 consecutive days of NC…never did that before! Gettin closer to meh?

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  Nomorechit

I just got back from my bucket list trip to Alaska…it is incredible!

zyx321
zyx321
10 years ago

I did a local mud run/obstacle race for fun. This fall I will do it again with my son, and then upgrade to a Spartan Sprint obstacle race. I am not quite in good enough shape, but I will do it anyway!

I refinanced the house; it is ALL MINE ! I painted some walls, and the fence. I really want to renovate the kitchen; maybe in a couple of years.

I traveled overseas, without the kids (they’re going with me in January)

I joined a couple of Meetup groups.

I have gone out to concerts and the theater with friends.

I started tinting my hair, and have splurged on massages every 5-6 months.

I have started taking time and reconnecting with old friends.

I have discovered who my true friends are…

… kids come to me full time the end of October when the exH moves away. It will be difficult to maintain the ‘me’ time (and dating? probably impossible), but I will try.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
10 years ago

I was a SAHM for the second decade of 20 year marriage. After separation, I started a new career as a freelance writer. It’s a struggle, and I’m still not making quite enough to entirely support myself and my son, but I’m steadily building up work.

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

You’ll get there. Good for you. Keep going!

stuckinjax
stuckinjax
10 years ago

DDay has only been 3 1/2 months for me, but since that time I got a full-time job (had worked part-time for several years after being a SAH mom). I also rented a 2-BR apartment and decorated it with colors I love: clean, fresh white and soothing blue. I have also lost 20 pounds (Divorce Diet) and am crossfitting 4 or 5 times a week. I’m in the best shape I’ve ever been in! Too bad for STBX–he will enjoy none of this awesomeness πŸ™‚
Sometimes I feel numb about all of these changes, rather than excited, so I’m glad we’re celebrating each other this way.

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  stuckinjax

Hang in three Stuck, you’re doing great.,I’m 1 1/2 years post D-Day and I can tell you the stunned numbness does eventually fade too

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

…there…

stuckinjax
stuckinjax
10 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Thanks, Kelly! It’s such a process…good one day, terrible the next. Can’t wait for the stunned numbness to fade and to feel happy again.

river
river
10 years ago

This is fun! 16 months post d-day and my life is fantastic. Here is what I did:

1) Got a cheap apartment for me and my two large dogs in an old victorian house in a small town outside of the city where X and I lived. At first this seemed like a major hardship, but now I couldn’t be happier. A good friend and I went thrift shopping and made the place look amazing (found an antique bed for $20, and a set of giant vintage classroom maps for $10 – luckily the thrift shop look is totally my style)! Took out an interest-free-for-one-year credit card and fenced in the back yard (w/ permission from land lord) for the dogs to run free. We are all happy here!

2) Went back to school 3 months post d-day (had been planning to do this anyway before d-day, but was so dreading the hostility and resentment that X would have directed toward me as a full-time student with no job). I enrolled in a 12-month accelerated BSN program (nursing), and just graduated a couple of weeks ago (now looking for a job – had one phone interview last week). I am 44. I think this experience, more than any other, is what helped me to move emotionally away from X in a relatively short time. I was a part of a fairly small cohort of students, so I was never lonely, had plenty of social contact, and of course was crazy busy. Also, the practice of nursing is very inspiring to me, and gives me a sense of purpose.

3) I notice that a lot of people (women mainly) have written that they lost weight, got a haircut, got a new wardrobe, etc.. I did this too. I do not think this is a small thing. It is huge. Since all of this happened, I have tried to remember to not leave the house looking like I am in the middle of cleaning the garage (where I live, really anything goes). I try to put myself together to some degree even to run to the store. I feel like this is an important way of taking care of myself, and feeling like I matter. It gives me a ton of confidence.

My best advice for others: find a way to stay busy, take care of yourself physically, shop at thrift shops, and read your Chump Lady daily!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  river

I think for women what we do with ourselves physically is important in some way. Pre dday I was a mess, slopping about in sweats and generally not doing anything with myself (turns out I was in a serious depression – not getting off the sofa for a year might have been a sign and odd that Ex never even noticed). Now I look great. I get myself together every morning, dress well, my hair looks fab, my skin looks better than it has in years and I’m almost back at fighting weight. I wasn’t huge before dday but had definitely put on some pounds.

Looking so much better makes me feel better and gives me so much more cofidence. And the compliments are genius.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Agree. Also, and since I’m still with STBX, I will say that I think STBX hates that I look so much better. He keeps trying to get me fattening food, and has been telling me that I look “awful” and “too thin.”

Well, the other day I saw a woman I’d not seen in 20 years. Her face seemed a bit familiar, but she recognized me right off the bat because my newer shape looks like me from 20 years ago. She couldn’t get over that I didn’t look as if I’d changed.

I know the games that STBX is trying to play, and one of the big things I’m doing for me is not playing them. πŸ™‚

Martha
Martha
10 years ago

My STBX moved out in March & called it quits in April. In July I was laid off after 14 years at my job. Two pretty huge hits but I am doing nothing but taking care of myself right now!
1) The very first thing I did was to get rid of the recliner where STBX spent so many hours trolling/texting/chatting on his mobile devices. I posted a picture of the trash guys throwing it into their truck on Facebook so STBX could see it then blocked him. That felt great! My son & I are re-painting, re-arranging & reclaiming our home.
2) Just reached my weight loss goal (started last fall) of -58 pounds.
3) Started indoor rowing & set a goal to row one 1 million meters by April 1 – am over 400K now. Joined a new gym with state of the art rowing machines & a coach to step up my game.
4) Took up krav maga self-defense training & am learning to take down a miscreant any way possible – kicking, punching, elbowing, taking a weapon, etc. It’s an incredible way to release anger physically & is also a hella workout. It’s soooo fun!
5) I’m still in therapy & joined a divorce recovery group for additional support.
6) I read Chump Lady every single day!

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oh, I love the rowing…

hmmm….

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago

Okay, started to write and started in with my negative crap. I erased it. hooray! does that count? lol

but working backwards from the most recent here is some of what I’ve accomplished since August 2, 2011:

1) Despite abject terror, I sang a song in public. a fucking solo. and no one threw anything at me! (oh, and I was wearing a nice dress, too– no nude body suits. lol)

2) I found a way with NO MONEY to purchase an apartment and then decorated it to the tasteful, yet restrained hilt! (ask me how.)

3) I installed wordpress – LOL

4) I built my entire website (with the exception of the e-commerce part) from scratch. (mind you, wasband used to call me a Luddite which was true, but not any more) I was determined to build my business up so that I could be financially solvent.

5) I learned excel – a little bit (this is akin to root canal without anesthetic)

6) back to NOW. What am I going to do today that’s good and right and moving past this disgusting crapola? Hell, I’m working so that search engines CAN pick me up and I so want to give out my website because I’m just so damned fucking proud of it! But ya know what, I don’t really give a shit. I have no shame in being a frequent contributor to this wonderful forum that Tracy has so generously allowed us to have with this amazing, amazing group of people! This is who I am. We know who CL is. She’s not hiding. And if y’all want and/or need to remain anon, I understand that completely, but I am tired of fucking hiding behind a computer screen.

*I have nothing to hide.*

This is my website that I made and if anyone here wants to contact me for a little free decorating advice, (paid is good too!) πŸ™‚ or even a little cyber cry, I would welcome that. And if this smacks of blatant self-promotion— well, yeah… it is. haha! and that’s good, because all of my life, I have often let fear take over; afraid to really breathe the air, lest someone else didn’t have enough; afraid to sing out loud; afraid to leave my cheatin’ husband… I have much faith. I know that there’s a better tomorrow! Let’s all promote ourselves; leave our comfort zones. Let’s all be badasses! Let’s not let fear rule our lives!

http://laurel-home.com

If I can do this, ANYBODY can!

FLBright
FLBright
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Laurel – very inspiring. Really nice work. Keep the focus there, the rest will come πŸ™‚

Kelly
Kelly
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Holy shit Laurel, that website is fantastic!!!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

That’s fantastic Laurel, how come you get the talent for everything? I’m sure some gorgeous man would like you to come design for his home! πŸ˜‰

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

thank you so much! so sweet! I just wrote some sarcastic piece of shit about how it doesn’t matter, because here I sit— alone, but I’ll leave it at that. I’m sure that he must be out there somewhere… I keep praying…

ANR
ANR
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Nice website, Laurel!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Beautiful website, Laurel! I’m off to run errands but will take a closer look later. Well done, you!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’m kinda speechless. (for once. haha!) Really. I can’t thank you enough for all of your kind words. But I just want to say that I didn’t just wake up and voila I could come up with this stuff. So, if you want to open up a little store or make your own website, you can do it too. I always feel that I don’t do enough. Its overwhelming though, sometimes and I still get this crushing sadness, too much of the time. Its so fucking debilitating and I don’t need to tell most of you that. I have plenty of days where I’ve done absolutely nothing, but watch House Hunters and read blogs and oh, watch ballerinas on youtube. I recommend Olga Smirnova!

At least, I got rid of the dead weight. I started my biz in 1996 when my kids were very young and within a few months got some very nice jobs. Then, about 13 years ago… I would be driving to my appointments and trying to figure out, how much money I would need to bring in before my husband could quit his job that he hated. That’s how much I loved him. I just wanted him to be happy. Isn’t that what love is? wanting your loved ones to be happy? Then, he got fired and that’s when he decided (with all that time on his hands now) to make some new “friends.” Women friends.

He really does suck, doesn’t he?

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Yes he does Laurel and on top of his sucking he is a total idiot because he lost you! Too bad for him and good for you! Really despite the fact that we all feel so unlucky we really are the lucky ones when you really look at things based in reality! We are not them and we hopefully have removed them from our lives so that our lives can be filled with great people! Just like the ones here and there are more offline, many more!!!

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Beautiful! Nice job!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

holy crapballs! I just checked out my page views and the graph went off the screen, practically. I am so overwhelmed with your kind words! It really means a lot to me!

And absolutely. Of course there’s a chump discount!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Laurel,

In my next life, I want to come back as you!! Your website, your sense of style is incredible!!! OMG!!! I was completely bowled over!!

You Rock More Than A Porch Swing!!

Really
Really
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Oh my god your website and decorating is BEAUTIFUL!

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Laurel, I LOVE your style! One dream of mine was to own a little home furnishings store full of eclectic treastures – I love those finishing touches. Kudos on your beautiful website and gorgeous work!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Can Laurel get a mug for inspiration?

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

haha! You mean I don’t have to lie in bed all nekked and video myself and post it you-no-where, going on and on about my book and how special and nice I am (I’m not. fuck with my kids and you’re dead and I’ve also been known to block people on fakebook, just because they listen to Kenny G.) I have my limits. πŸ˜‰

But truly, I am so overwhelmed with the genuine kindness I’ve experienced here. Thank you all so much! I am truly grateful!

Martha
Martha
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Your website is gorgeous. Best wishes for a highly successful enterprise!

Smart Ass Texan
Smart Ass Texan
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

OMG Laurel…..
Your web-site is fantastic !
I was on line today looking at web design for my biz….
please contact me @ fabulousfinder@gmail.com
Can you do a site for me ?
I would be happy to pay you…. help !

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  Laurel

Just took a look. Wow, beautiful!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago
Reply to  river

Laurel,

You are the complete Shiznit (shout out to Snoop)! I am currently in an empty apartment so when I can AFFORD to start to outfit it, guess from where I’ll be ordering?! πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

Will there be a CL contributor’s discount?

Angie
Angie
10 years ago

My last Dday was 2-15-13. (yes, the day after Valentines day. ironic isn’t it?) My ex moved out on 4-28-13 & the divorce was final on 7-27-13.

Since then I have:

Replaced the brake light on my car that has been out for over a year
Watched a few Youtube videos and then fixed the faucet in the bathroom that has been dripping for many years.
Cleaned out and reinstalled the carb on the lawn mower that was starting to sound like it had asthma.
Got 2 birds stuck in the chimney out of the house (alive)

But what I am most proud of was what terrified me the most. Occasionally a bat gets into the living space of the house, and in the past the ex would “dispatch” them to great beyond. Well, it had to happen and last weekend I was woke up at 2am to a bat flying around my bedroom. Now my cats were quite thrilled with this new toy, me – not so much. So I kicked the cats out of the bedroom, opened up a window and took out the screen and whoosh! The bat flies out! The not so proud part of this post is that while I was doing all those things I was crawling around the bedroom with a blanket over my head and trying not to scream out loud and wake the kids. But I what kept me going was thinking “I don’t need no stinkin man! Cause Screw you I GOT IT!” πŸ™‚

I have since called an pest control guy (who of course I refer to as Batman) to block off the areas along the roof line where the winged creatures of satan are getting into the house, on the last opening he will install a one-way door so when they leave at night to feed they cant get back in. Its not cheap, but I can afford it and then I wont ever have to go through the damn near panic induced heart attack of the last bat episode.

I can thank my ex for the motivation for everything I’ve learned to do on my own. Its amazing how good it feels to know that over and over I can say

“SCREW YOU, I GOT IT!!!!!”

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  Angie

I spent a lot of time in a Biology department with a strong ecology and environmental program. Getting bats out without killing them is awesome. Once you get the bats out of your house, put up bat houses on your property to keep the bats there so that you can benefit from their desire to kill and eat all sorts of flying insects. They won’t migrate to the bat houses until you exclude them from yours, though.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  kb

I second KB! Bats are awesome and need our help.

Angie
Angie
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I don’t hate all bats, nor do I kill them if I have an option. However, when they are winging around my bedroom in the middle of the night I want them OUT! But its not like Im out to exterminate them from the planet, they eat a ton of bugs and really beneficial to the environment. And I am putting up a bat house on the end of the barn/garage.

SummerGirl
SummerGirl
10 years ago

I went to a tall ships festival all on my own. I’d wanted to go for months, but stbx had cancelled all those plans. When he was out the picture, there was no reason not to go. I climbed and explored all over those cool ships all day long, and then had a giant bucket of cajun shrimp for dinner. It was awesome.

My next goal is to try driving a locomotive. Seriously, you can buy a hands-on lesson to drive a train at a local museum. I’ve wanted to try it for years. Stbx always said it would be the dumbest waste of $x ever. I can’t wait to schedule a throttle time. πŸ™‚

David
David
10 years ago

I now have a new vision of women’s empowerment.

Move over “Rosie the Riveter.” We now have “Chump Lady the Welder!”

A very nice picture!

Your devoted fan,

Chump Son

Dawg
Dawg
10 years ago

Learned a lesson or two but didn’t become bitter or cynical.

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  Dawg

That might be the greatest accomplishment of them all.

movin_on
movin_on
10 years ago
Reply to  Dawg

nice…way to go, Dawg

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

Made tons of new friends, weeded out the old ones, got in better shape, got back to the things I love, have a much better relationship with my kids, got more closely connected to my family, realised that I had been living someone else’s life and it was time to live mine.

A work in progress….

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Right there with you Nord!

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes he does Laurel and on top of his sucking he is a total idiot because he lost you! Too bad for him and good for you! Really despite the fact that we all feel so unlucky we really are the lucky ones when you really look at things based in reality! We are not them and we hopefully have removed them from our lives so that our lives can be filled with great people! Just like the ones here and there are more offline, many more!!!

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago
Reply to  Deborah

whoops, that was a duplicate post and misplaced!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  Deborah

no mistake! great words and applies to all of us!

Chris
Chris
10 years ago

Several things:

a) Went back to the gym. Lost a ton of weight and managed to get back the six-pack abs that I haven’t had since college.

b) I had 7 tattoos at D-Day. I now have 15.

c) After living out of a duffel bag for the better part of a year, I secured myself a cozy little one-bedroom apartment in the suburbs. The complex itself a dump, but my place is PERFECT. It’s my little sanctuary after a year of misery, mindfuckery and fuckupedness.

d) Bought myself a really expensive Tempur-Pedic bed. I spent way more than I should have, but that purchase was pure post-mindfuckery manic spending. I should mention that I haven’t slept this good in years.

e) Bought myself a flat-screen TV that I can watch all my favorite movies on. Big movie buff over here so that was important.

f) Kept a detailed journal for over a year. I haven’t written in it since April. Haven’t had the need to. For me, that shows that I’ve really made tremendous progress in my healing.

g) Haven’t missed a single Oprah’s lifeclass since they started airing. Tremendously cathartic.

h) I’ve been HAPPILY single. There may not be a cure for depression but there’s definitely a cure for codependence. It’s possible through time and self-resilience. I never thought I’d be this happy by myself but I’m having the time of my life over here! Sure, I’m young enough to still be Mr. Lothario…which I’m definitely guilty of. Other times I just stay home on Friday nights watching TCM and eating pizza. I love it!

And Most importantly…

i) I started reading and contributing to Chump Lady!!!! Definitely would NOT have made it through the past year and half without Ms. CL and all of you, past and present, who have shared your stories. <3 <3

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Yes! I love TCM! Watch some Paul Newman for me, would you? *swoon* I don’t have cable at the moment.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Jedi hugs!

BubblestheJellyfish
BubblestheJellyfish
10 years ago

Since I am not exactly sure what Dday stands for….in the last 3 years since this mess has been going on I:

1. Took a galssblowing class for 12 weeks and hung out with Rock-Star’s of the art world…nothing like playing with 1200 degree glass to take your breath away (and leave oh so many marks)

2. Bought my own house with only MY name on the mortgage and I am slowly but surely making it mine.

3. In that circa 1974-79 house I have currently gutted an entire kitchen re-wired, re-plumbed, installed drywall, cabinets, appliances into the new kitchen.

4. Re-did the dining room this past weekend.

5. Cleaned up a badly neglected yard and gave it some TLC

6. Bought a car that “IIIIIII” wanted and picked out not one that I was told I had to buy.

7. Got a 3rd dog (rescue from a friend moving) to add to the hairy dustmop horde that already lived with me.

8. In general made worked on myself….tried to fix my picker….got involved in the neighborhood…and got feedback that I wasn’t a bad, evil shrew that was unlovable……..but that I was a good person and people actually liked me….which I am trying to get my heart to accept…but those marks are going to be there for a VERY long time.

9. Read Chump Lady religiously…..

Nord
Nord
10 years ago

Dday is Discovery Day.

Chris
Chris
10 years ago

D-Day refers to the day (or night) you found out that your spouse was cheating. Whether you caught him red-handed or read suspicious texts, whether you found out something or found out everything, it’s basically the day that you found out he was cheating.

BubblestheJellyfish
BubblestheJellyfish
10 years ago
Reply to  Chris

Thanks Chris….I couldn’t figure that one out….I’d have numerous ddays over the last 20 some-odd years……

Tall Blondie
Tall Blondie
10 years ago

My D-Day was May 16, 2012. I moved out of our family home on June 15, 2012 and my divorce was final on August 19, 2013. All of my decisions from the moment I found out where he was and what he was doing became about financial security. The courts didn’t quite see things my way with regards to morality or even alimony (damn me and my ability to be self-sufficient!). I was not able to stop my 45 year old STBX from moving his 30 year old whore-friend half way across the country to live in my house with my 13 year old daughter (4 mos after D-Day) but I made sure he did not take 1/2 my 401k or pension that legally he was entitled to. So, at 45 years old, he has ZERO retirement. And I don’t care.

Even though the road has been hard – who wants to be in their 40’s and find out their husband leaves you for someone he has so much “in common” with (after 17 years of marriage) – I have had many good moments.

1. Bought and upgraded my first house that is 100% in my name. Got a kick-a$$ interest rate. Within 6 mos of D-Day. Good luck with the maintenance on our old house….and if you decide to sell. Hope you finally address the rotten windows and door frame. And the HVAC that needs to be replaced. Good on you!
2. Bought 100% new furniture…that did NOT come as a “5” piece set. Sorry Rooms to Go but you are NOT my friend. No stupid colors or some big oversized Lazy Boy recliner. Bought lovingly, piece by piece as I found things I loved. Colors that I love! Blues and teals.
3. Rescued 2 dogs! Our beloved dog died 6 days after I left the house. Although we knew that 2012 would be his last year, I didn’t expect it to happen so suddenly. ExH said he would never have another dog because they were too troublesome and got footprints on the deck…or pooped. Stupid stuff really – and he said this years before our doggie was even sick. Never hook up with someone who is cruel to their Mom or dog. Lesson learned on that one!
4. Did all the losing weight, cut hair stuff. Most importantly, I got fit!
5. Vacations or day trips with just my daughter and myself. No drama, no stress. We eat, sleep, shop, sit on the beach, whatever we want for as long as we want.
6. Slow but surely am making new friends – all of the others – well, they proved who they really are to me!
7. Meal plan and cook whatever I want in MY kitchen. Includes fish and seafood. No, you are NOT allergic to fish/shellfish ExH….you just don’t like it which means that no one gets to eat it. But I do now!!

That’s some good stuff I think. We won’t talk about dating. Not going there yet. πŸ™‚

Tall Blondie
Tall Blondie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tall Blondie

Oh..and no offense to anyone who has Lazy-Boy or Rooms to Go furniture. I like to kick back with my feet up too…I just don’t need a chair the size of a car in my living room. πŸ™‚

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
10 years ago

I’m too fresh out of the gate, and haven’t done anything yet. At this point, I”m proud of myself for breathing. Particularly proud that I didn’t start taking some mind-numbing drug (that would have felt so nice, I bet!), starting downing wine by the bottle, whored myself out to overcompensate, or threw in the towel at a cozy mental recuperation house. I’ve somehow made it through dday, filing for divorce and the initial custody agreement, still on the high-road. I’m going to need a lot of therapy, but dang it, at least I went through it. I didn’t numb it. I’ve dealt with it all honestly.

I’m looking forward to reading all of your posts and being inspired.

Lynn
Lynn
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Good on you! Facing it, not numbing it, while oh so painful, gets you through it.
I remember the pain being so overwhelming, now it is just a memory…… and I always pat myself on the back for coming through it intact.
Cheers to you LUD!

Laurel
Laurel
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

and not going off the deep end definitely counts!

Jade
Jade
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

I’m willing to bet you’ve already done more than you ever imagined you could. Breathing is a damned important thing. You’re not just on the high road, you are on the road to a better life for you and your children. That’s a big accomplishment–own it!

ducklinerupper
ducklinerupper
10 years ago
Reply to  Jade

Blondie and jade- thank you, breathing does count! Thanks for the reminder and kind words.

Doop
Doop
10 years ago
Reply to  ducklinerupper

I took the same approach – I didn’t numb it. I faced the pain, head-on, determined I would emerge from the experience a better person with a more fulfilling life. I have and I’m confident you will too.

Lyn
Lyn
10 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I think just surviving betrayal and abandonment is a victory. Some people don’t!

Stephanie
Stephanie
10 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yeah–don’t numb it.

I remember feeling a great deal of pain one beautiful sunny day, and I told myself that this was good–pain was a necessary part of my healing, and I was hurting, so I must be facing the right direction toward healing. I processed that pain. I also bought myself a really nice jacket that day, and I love it so much. It is bright lime green, tight-fitting, and I wear it a lot and think of my independence. It reminds me, too, that once I was in a lot of pain, but I made it through.

I also remember standing in the supermarket, and so worried that I was going to lose my freaking mind with the pain. I realized I had a choice, that I COULD just go ahead and lose it–and also likely lose my kids and my reputation. So I took a deep breath and made a choice to get through another day. And I looked over at the tabloids on the checkout stands, at all the beautiful women gracing the covers who’d been cheated on and dumped. You know their names–Halle Berry (who cheats on Halle Berry??), Reese Witherspoon, Sienna Miller, Elin Nordegren, Jennifer Aniston, Sandra Bullock, Shania Twain, Elizabeth Hurley… For you guys, there is Justin Timberlake (who cheats on Justin Timberlake??), Robert Pattinson–I’m sure there are others…. And I thought, you know, if these people can survive in the public eye?? I will be ok, too. I will be ok.

And I got through it.

FLBright
FLBright
10 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Stephanie – Really well done. Congratulations. Those days were really hard days. I hope you have made it to a better place. If not, you are on your way, keep the faith and No Contact! Big Hugs.

Tall Blondie
Tall Blondie
10 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Breathing counts! Count it!

Roxie
Roxie
10 years ago

Since I spent so many years carrying his jobless weight, we had to rent the places we lived. We never could save up enough for a down payment, and apparently that was my fault, because I spent money on frivolous things like food, and clothes for the kids, and health insurance, but he spent ‘our’ money on important things like new shocks for his bike.
Well, once I lost the dead weight, I managed to sock enough away for a down payment, and at 44 I bought my first home.
My landlord of 13 years, who knew what I had been going through, was also my real estate agent for the purchase, and he was as proud of me as if I had been his own kid.

Roxie
Roxie
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I love my place! It’s all mine, I’m closer to work, I have triple the space I had before, I no longer have to share a bathroom (3 bathrooms! YAY!), and I’ve decorated it to please ME.
Feels great to be here!

Jeana
Jeana
10 years ago

I take care of myself. Walk daily, lost 30 pounds, go out with girlfriends, and most of all took the high road. It’s the best way to go. My son asked me if I was the female version of Benjamin Buttons. That’s when I knew I was okay.

MovingOn
MovingOn
10 years ago

1. I bought my own house.
2. After a seven year hiatus, I’m finally joining a singing group. I’ve missed it so much.
3. I bought a fabulous and expensive “liberation” ring that I wear on my left hand’s middle finger (symbolism of the finger wasn’t originally intended, but I do think it’s funny).
4. I took my kids on several day trips this past summer that I normally thought I wouldn’t be able to handle by myself. We had a blast each time.
5. I bought myself some great back-to-school clothes; when I was with XWH, I might buy one or two things because he always made me feel guilty about buying anything for myself. I splurged this time!

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Funny that the first trip or two without Ex but with the kids were weird, as I was so used to him being along. Then I realised that all our family trips were planned and executed solely by me and that the only difference on these trips was that he wasn’t there and that we didn’t have to deal with him throwing a spanner in the works unexpectedly by suddenly announcing, in the middle of some activity or adventure, that he had to get back to the hotel to take a crap. Not kidding – this actually happened several times and he would desperately hunt down a taxi and rush us all back to the hotel so he could have a dump.

quicksilver
quicksilver
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Oh my god, all our activities are scheduled around when he has to shit. If he has to shit, we have to rush home. Traveling, everything is planned around when he thinks he’s going to need to shit. We can’t go out in the morning until he’s had his shit. He chooses restaurants based on whether the food will make him shit. Seriously, what’s the big deal?

I CANNOT WAIT until I can take the kids places and not worry about when he’s going to need to shit.

JamesR
JamesR
10 years ago
Reply to  quicksilver

Sounds like all these Narc’s have a bad case of “Shy Ass”! (they can only crap in certain, NON-public, bathrooms)…. πŸ™‚

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  quicksilver

Hahahahahaaaaa
Laugh for the morning, thanks for starting the day off right!
My X has gastric issues too, and I really think it’s all part of being a Narc, they are so focused inward. Maybe if they did the therapy they need so badly, these body problems would magically clear up!

AHA
AHA
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

This is hilarious. Same experience here, except we had to wait in the hotel room in the morning until he made this very special visit. We’ve missed and been late for so many events because of this.. We now have a code word for it and always burst out in laughter with the kids (they are young adults)

Nat1
Nat1
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

Oh yeah, I’d forgotten about that. Lol. I always thought it was me yet now if I do stuff with the kids I am consistently calm and happy. I wonder how Miss 23 is coping with the crap attacks?

Nord
Nord
10 years ago
Reply to  Nord

I should add that I have now had a number of trips with the kids and they’ve been a blast. We have one place we’ve been to twice, that is totally tacky and the kids totally love it. And we have had a great time both visits. Ex has taken the kids on exactly one holiday in the past two years, paid for and arranged by his parents, a few months after dday. He spent the entire time texting final OW and arguing with the kids. All his subsequent trips have been with final OW. Yes, the kids have noticed.

Chumpalicious
Chumpalicious
10 years ago

The divorce was (finally) over 3 years ago now, but for all practical purposes, I’ve been a single parent for over 5 years. The youngest just graduated high school in May, and both of them are on their own with decent paying jobs already. So —

I sleep in. That’s what I do nice for myself. I sleep in, any day I want, for as long as I want.

Actually, that’s really only a luxury during the winter months when the sun comes up later. This time of year I get up with the light and have a very leisurely morning coffee while the world comes alive. Here’s my favorite bird:

http://www.birdweb.org/birdweb/bird/swainsons_thrush

It’s the only bird who’s song trills upward.

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalicious

Sweet! I used to work as a park ranger and wildlife researcher at Olympic National Park in WA, and remember a coworker pointing out this bird’s song to me as one of his favorites!

I have been having my leisurely morning coffees here in the midwest, listening to cardinals and orioles.

:o)

Really
Really
10 years ago

So…am I the only one who gained the weight I lost after dday, and then some (hehe!)?

Well, since the STBX was kicked out of the house, I have:

1. Started working full time, something I hadn’t done since the beginning of my marriage 15 years ago. With my family’s help in finding the job/moving the business, I am now part of a company that has the largest warehouse of concession machine parts on the West Coast (theater popcorn machines always have to keep popping!).

2. Like Laurel, I had to learn Excel (or in my case, how to fake my way through Excel) and I set up a website (not nearly as cool as Laurel’s, but it’s out there – http://www.emrconcessions.net).

3. I’m getting to learn how a business works from the ground up. I was SO EXCITED the first time I processed a credit card payment.

So, I had to figure out a lot of computer stuff that has always been STBX’s realm fast. Haven’t had to call tech support once.

Unexpected, and not too bad.

Toni
Toni
10 years ago
Reply to  Really

Realy,
I’ve gained weight too. Hoping when it cools off some I’ll get “inspired”

Lynn
Lynn
10 years ago
Reply to  Toni

I lost weight at first – I had picked up about 8 lbs. since I was in my 20’s, so it wasn’t that much weight, but I did get very thin – forced myself to try eat 3 meals a day.
Then, as time and the pain went on, depression set in and I lay on the couch – a lot.
Picked up all the weight I had lost and then another 10 lbs.
I moved to a city and I found it quite lonely, really tried to get into an exercise programme, but I am not consistent with it. (It rains a lot, so I tend to lie on the couch a lot.)
I have changed it up recently though. I now have a Personal Trainer and it has honestly changed my entire energy level and lifestyle. I know it’s expensive and had to use my credit card – which I don’t do often. It’s one of the best decisions I made.
It’s getting me moving (I walk every day and meet up with him twice a week) injury-free and our goal is to get me running again. I am turning 56 this year and used to run, but had to stop because of knee and hip injuries from overdoing it a few years ago.
I want to run again, 10kms will be my goal, no more half marathons, but that’s ok. Any weight I lose will be a bonus, I am not overweight for my height or age, but ridding myself of 10 lbs. would make me feel lighter and my clothes would fit me better.
He put me in a boxing ring the other day and taught me the correct stance, jabs, uppercuts, and he is amazed and impressed with my right hook. I punched into padded “shields” he held up and I tuckered myself right out as he called out what punches to throw. I should have done this when I had all that anger!
It was totally invigorating, liberating and awesome. My eyes were shining and I felt empowered. I abhor violence, but this was amazing – I can’t wait to put those gloves on again…….

Jade
Jade
10 years ago
Reply to  Really

Well…you might have noticed that my list didn’t include “losing weight.” I weigh about the same as I once did, although now I walk everywhere (no car) and I mostly eat vegetarian.

Oh, wait a minute, I think I lost about 200 pounds on the day I separated πŸ™‚ How about you?

Really
Really
10 years ago
Reply to  Jade

Ah, yes – about 170, then!

quicksilver
quicksilver
10 years ago
Reply to  Jade

200 lbs of asshole?

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago

Let’s see – I have been out of the marital home since April- real DDay in January 2013, right after New Year’s, but I suspected before then.

I was abused into being afraid of ever being without my STBX – getting my own place, preparing to move out and then announcing it to him as a fait accompli was a profile in courage for me. It’s nuts, because when I met him I was living in my own place and raising my daughter.

I signed up to volunteer once a month for now; looking into other opportunities.

Reconnected with old friends, started going out after work to jazz performances, dinner and plays with old and new friends, when finances allow. One friend reminded me when I hesitated accepting a dinner invitation that I no longer had to adhere to a curfew. Just the thought was liberating.

I don’t clean unless I want to. I watch whatever I want on television without criticism. STBX was very good at the subtle put-down about everything.

I have looked into joining a yoga class and I have begun researching a group or choir with whom I can satisfy my lifelong desire to sing. I used to sing years ago with the school choir and it was one of the greatest pleasures of my life. I’m not a “singer,” (no one will be following) but I can carry a tune pretty well and that seems to be more than a lot of singers I’ve heard lately can do.

I had also started writing again, and had actually begun a book and started collaborating with a friend of mine who is an editor, but that has been hold until I get further along in my therapy. The panic attacks and stress began impeding my ability to focus and write.

I am slowly rebuilding myself from the inside out to be the person I want to be and not the person someone else needs me to be. It is scary sometimes but life is supposed to be scary sometimes – but only in a good way.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
10 years ago

I forgot! I lost 40 pounds! And just today a very attractive man in his late (maybe) 30’s tried to pick me up. I’m 58 and I don’t think he had a clue! And he was adorable. I chatted with him briefly and then continued on home from work with a smile. What a great end to my workday!

Rebecca
Rebecca
10 years ago

The past 4 years have been quite the adventure.

Separated 4 years ago, not really knowing anything except that he was ‘unhappy”.

Found out 3 years ago yesterday that he had been having a very, very long life outside of our marriage. He was and is in some sort of thing with his law partner but who knows what it is. He never wanted back; never explained or admitted anything. “No one’s business”.

Finally divorced, civil and religious, as of this summer. I had a kick-ass legal team (had to fire the first lawyer) and children that stood with me the whole way. He lost his kids.

I moved into New York City and built a whole life for myself.

1. I couldn’t get a job so I volunteered in a position that was not looking for volunteers. I cleaned closets, re-did files, cleaned the refrigerator, anything…4 months later they offered me a job. It is the greatest and hardest thing I have ever done but I love every minute of my job. I was a stay at home mom for 24 years.
2. Made new friends and kept the old ones. I make sure I have something to do every weekend day or evening. It takes lots of planning but I force myself and I always am glad I do. It means a lot of cooking and inviting people over, joining meetups and going WAY out of my comfort zone.
3. Toned up my body and my attitude – my boys say I dress really well but still age appropriate. Doesn’t take a lot to make a wow wardrobe. Tried new colors and new styles.
4. Learned to take vacations by myself, go to the movies by myself and when I am where no one knows me, I practice eating out by myself. It is a work in progress.
5. Lightened my hair and indulge in a good manicure on a regular basis. I make time to do my own pedicures.
6. Went on an upside down roller coaster, went white water rafting, took up skiing again. I am willing to try anything.
7. Just 3 months ago, I took a deep breath, had professional photos taken and started dating. First dates are half-hour coffee meetings, usually after work where I don’t get all spruced up. Second dates, we split the bill. I don’t want to owe anyone anything and any relationships have to be equal. Yes, I am on high-alert but will give people a chance. I am not selling myself; what they see is what they get.
8. Last week I went to a beautiful Japanese spa with a communal, clothing-optional hot tub. Yup, at 56, I took off my clothes like everyone else and got in. I am proud of my body that delivered and nursed 2 kids, had breast surgery and doesn’t look like it did in college. I figured this body looks better now than it will at 75, so what the hell!
10. Got my own financial planner, my own accountant, new doctors, etc. I am in charge of where and how I live.

This is all from someone who was hospitalized for suicidal thoughts twice and am on medication. We all do what we have to do to get there.

There is so much you can do while working towards to ‘meh’. Never thought I would be here and that this would be my life but it is and I need to make the best of it.

Lynn
Lynn
10 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Very inspiring Rebecca – I am so impressed! Your courage is awe-inspiring.
I hope you take time to celebrate and pat yourself on the back often.

Toni
Toni
10 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca what an inspiration you are to me! I am limping along but doing much better than 6 months ago Thanks to CL and you all. Unfortunately I am suffering from Clinical depression (Dr. Sez “He broke the camels back”) and all I want to do is paint and blog again but I just can’t seem to do it, it’s like he broke my spirit. Also the weight (probably 30 lbs) I just don’t care….But I’m on meds and it’s better, and you inspire me to try harder. Thank You! πŸ™‚

Deborah
Deborah
10 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Bless you Rebecca! Reading your accomplishments brought a huge smile to my face! You are fantastic and I just fell in love with you and all you have done and are doing for yourself.

anudi
anudi
10 years ago
Reply to  Deborah

Rebecca,
Bold n Beautiful. Love u!

TennisHack625
TennisHack625
10 years ago

Well I learned to cook spaghetti an grilled cheese and tomato soup. I took up gambling. Not a good hobby BTW. Got a big screen TV so I can play xbox hockey.

jane
jane
10 years ago

Bought a new couch thst he hadn’farted on while texting his ” she bitc”and purchased double artwork featuring a bird each and hung them so they face away from eachother unlike the pairs i collected ( and sold in a garage sale) that were always l adoring ovebirds!

river
river
10 years ago
Reply to  jane

– Bought a new couch thst he hadn’farted on while texting his ” she bitch-

Funniest thing I have read in a while!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago

Everyone-you are all very inspiring!
Im still kind of in limbo because Im fixing things on our house to list it at the end of this month, it’s the last thing tying me to him then I can relax!
I went to school, got my degree, but that was a few years ago but it was huge to me. I’m planning on moving back to CA, I grew up there and X never wanted to live there, but I have two sisters and we want to live near each other! Very excited about that.
Reading Chumplady is my secret pleasure, all of you keep me going!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  PattyToo

Oh, and I changed my diet to almost vegetarian, and it made me lose 15 lbs as a bonus! I eat salads and vegtables I grow and it just makese feel light and happy!

Jade
Jade
10 years ago

My first huge accomplishment was walking out on my ex, with kids in tow. I mean I literally WALKED (about a mile and a half, that is). I had a friend who had made arrangements for me to stay in her friend’s for-sale house “just in case.” I lived there with my girls for a month, then found a place to rent.

I had been working as a librarian part time for the 10 years I was a stay at home mom. I persuaded my employers to allow me to work full time.

I’m going back to school for my master’s in architectural history/historic preservation–and I’m in my 50s. BTW I applied to the program *before* I left my ex. Had I stayed, I would have had to decline the acceptance. I was floored the program accepted me, because I don’t have any formal training in architecture. I have two years left, and am still trying to figure out a thesis topic.

Unsolicited advice of the day: if anyone out there has a significant other with anger/abuse problems, please make contingency plans in case you have to leave abruptly. I didn’t believe I would need to leave without warning, but I am so grateful I had a friend who insisted I make those “just in case” plans.

And gosh, my accomplishments sound so impressive in writing, but I still have many sad days, and I still struggle to untangle all the s*it my narcissistic ex was feeding me. CL, you site has been such a help to me!

skatergirl
skatergirl
10 years ago

I bought a horse! Waited my whole life to have my horse. Heard the ex say too many times “a horse?? are you serious?” in “that” voice. . …yes, actually,now that you mention it, I am serious. And a boyfriend. I think I waited my whole life to find him, too. A horse of my own and a boyfriend. . ..life is good.

kb
kb
10 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

And dollars to doughnuts, boyfriend likes horses and actually wants to o riding and tend horses together!

Awesome!

Toni
Toni
10 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

Go SG!!! We CAN do what we want, kiss that horsie for me!

nomar
nomar
10 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

Wow. I’ve heard they need lots of room and they’re quite a bit of of work to maintain and make a huge mess that requires a lot of cleaning. Big commitment.

Horses aren’t easy either!

anudi
anudi
10 years ago
Reply to  skatergirl

wow!

Notsochumpygirl
Notsochumpygirl
10 years ago

I found out in Feb 2012 and have done the following for myself:

1) climbed a mountain, the highest peak between Japan & Australia *exhilarating*

2) travelled to Sri Lanka with a girlfriend

3) bought a huge Aquamarine in Sri Lanka which I got set into a ring for myself that I wear on my left hand

4) Moved all the joint savings into my own account (waiting to buy my house)

5) Put in place a consistent exercise routine

Next steps:

Get a full time job (had stepped off the ladder to stay home with kids but kept my hand in, freelancing)

thensome
thensome
10 years ago

This is so inspiring!!

1) I got my financial affairs in order.

2) I took my child on a holiday, just the two of us! We had a great time!

3) Started working part-time and I enjoy it.

4) Bought some new furniture that I love.

5) Applied to take graduate classes and was accepted!

I’m taking care of my child, my home, my dogs and myself. And yes, somedays it’s a shower, eating and walking my dogs but I’m doing ok. He will NOT be the bookend of my life!