Sorry Is as Sorry Does

One thing that surprises me about recently betrayed people (and frankly, surprised me about myself once) is how quick they are to accept a verbal apology.

The desperate-to-reconcile folks always point to the apologies they get as proof that this thing can be saved. There was sobbing. Snot and running mascara. Operatic arias of remorse. Rending of garments, gnashing of teeth, and assurances of postnups.

Pay attention to actions, or the lack of them.

And yet when pressed, they’re always missing something.

The cheater gave them all the passwords…. but is secretive about his work phone.

She says she’s truly sorry for the long-term affair… but gets defensive when asked for reassurances.

He says it’s all over with the other woman… but won’t tell you her name.

And the chump is confused by this — But they said they were SORRY! And then it becomes this weird dance. The chump presses for more Signs of Sorry (please do these things) and the cheater resists, or promises to do them (and doesn’t follow through), or does two of the three things, but is half-assed about it.

Just when the chump is sick to death of this — are you REALLY SORRY? And is about to find their balls and file — the cheater amps up the verbal onslaught of remorse again. And the chump buys it, because… you can’t make that up. Right? You can’t just blub about how sorry you are on demand if you didn’t mean it.

Real sorry comes with actions.

If you find yourself in this spot, remember — sorry is as sorry DOES.

It’s all about the actions. I’m not saying there are not cheaters who aren’t actually sorry. But the way you distinguish the sorry from the sorry ass, is how they behave. Someone who is truly intent to reconcile and make this right is sorry regardless of what you do. Their remorse is not contingent upon whether or not you divorce them, on whether or not there are painful consequences. They feel awful for hurting you despite how you proceed.

True remorse is about humility and cheaters often have a very bad case of You Are Not the Boss of Me. How dare you set the terms, how dare you demand recompense? Your messy feelings are very inconvenient right now. Please go away. I will not be dictated to!

Who are they really crying for?

When you get waterworks from a cheater, it’s usually because you busted them and they fear exposure. The tears are for themselves. They are tears of fear and manipulation, because shit, they need a backup plan.

New chumps are terribly vulnerable people. It’s so natural to want the person who hurt you make this right. You hunger for that remorse.

And chumps are usually empathic people. Even when someone has gutted you, it is hard to watch them suffer. You see them in distress, and you want to comfort, to salvage.

That’s why righteous anger is so useful. It keeps you honest with yourself. It turns the volume down so you can see the actions, without listening to the words.

Show me the money.

Finally, if you want a sure fire way to tell if a cheater is sorry — ask for a credit report and a postnup. A credit report to find the money trail of secret credit cards, PO boxes, or debt you don’t know about. What’s a postnup? It’s a legal agreement, a property and/or custody settlement that only goes into effect should you divorce. 

If they balk? There is your answer. It’s a pointless document if they’re going to remain faithful, and only they control that. Sorry is as sorry does. Get it in writing. Notarized.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

296 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Chumpalertearly
Chumpalertearly
7 years ago

I feel I am probably one of the lucky ones in CN world, mine left on DD1 after I caught him with OW at Gym. I never saw him again, no remorse, no apology, nothing. 6 weeks have gone by. Sometimes that feels worse though, like I never got to say anything to him as I went NC from that moment, ( we have no children) . I never heard from him, never even got to say goodbye to the man I loved for 4 years. No sorry to be nothing And today I found out ( from the divorce centre) that he signed the divorce acknowledgement letter. Yes i should be happy but i feel very sad, i feel he didnt even try to fight for me.And i know i couldnt have gone back anyway to no trust. Not a good day for my messedup head today. Hope I feel better tomorrow 🙁

WishTuesCameSooner
WishTuesCameSooner
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly, I am so sorry you feel so bad right now. I know you have a hard time believing the people who tell you that you’ll feel better with time away from him. But you really will. I have been chumped before in my first marriage about 30 years ago now. And put through all of the crap of reconciliation and finding out they aren’t really sorry and all that heartache. I cried and hurt so bad as only the really young and idealistic first love in your 20’s can. Then they actually have the gall to come back around, you being naive and loving want to believe it’s because they missed you, and you don’t even question it. Then you find out the truth, they admit it, and you break up again. And if you let them, again and again. Mine came back around twice after the failed, miserable reconciliation. I didn’t fall for it the other times, my healthy intuition finally kicked in and saved me from that. You finally realize that it’s not that they love you. It’s that they just want to use you again. They’ll do it as many times as you’ll allow. They’ll even let slip truths to you, if you’ll listen and note it, that will help you not desire another go round. So remember I was put through all of this a long time ago in my first marriage. I am now dealing with the sadness of finding out I married a narc in my second marriage, it’s going on 6 months since he left me. I recently found out that ex # 1, died 3 years ago. I haven’t shed one tear or felt any sadness. Nothing, truly meh. I still have my divorce papers too and will treasure them always, as I will my new ones when I get them and file them next to my first ones. Because though he is dead, those papers symbolized a wonderful legal teflon coated wall between us. I never had to be hurt again. It was finally over.

These people are missing something that allows them to be almost like hologram people. I didn’t come up with that, it’s how Vikki Stark described her husband when he broke up their decades long marriage in her book ” Runaway Husbands. ” Her first chapter is actually called, ” My Husband, the Hologram. “You can read some of it on Amazon for free, and it’s truly heartbreaking her story is. I haven’t read the whole book, but I’m sure it’s a lot like what we read on here everyday. It’s that they are pretending to be loving and whole, but theirs is an addiction to, as Chump Lady calls it ego kibble. They’re indiscriminate in how they get it, you are interchangeable with any other woman who will give it to them. Sad but true. That doesn’t mean you truly are, it’s just their needs making you that way in their minds and hearts. They don’t love like we do, they aren’t capable. They are mentally ill, no matter how they seem on the outside. Someone who can literally walk away and do that to someone they have spent 4 years with, or even decades with??? We couldn’t do that. Why? Because we really feel love and commitment, they don’t.

So, no matter if he does come back around. It doesn’t mean he misses you or loves you, or loved you, or is ” fighting for you. ” It means literally NOTHING. They are hollow people who are trying to fill themselves up with our love and goodness and realness. They’re like emotional vampires. And yes, you have to invite them in, like the vampire. If he comes back around, I hope you stay no contact, and please realize you are lucky. I can’t wait till the day comes when all my legal crap is done and I can file those new divorce papers next to my old ones. I won’t ever be adding anymore to that file. No more marriage for me. That doesn’t mean no more love or happiness. Just no more marriage.

Also, no more narcissists, I am learning everything I can about being a co-dependent personality, so I no longer attract the vampire. Desiring him back in any way is very unhealthy for you. It means you are still in the thrall of a narc and you need to break that spell by learning about them. I heartily recommend YouTube videos by Sam Vaknin, Darlene Lancer, Richard Grannon SpartanLifeCoach, Assc Direct. These have all helped me realize how lucky I am to finally be free of someone who was covertly abusing me for all those years, in my case, 17 of them. You are truly lucky to not have to see him. Because it HURTS to have to deal with them after your breakup. They are cold and weird and take no responsibility. And even if they do as mine did in a letter to me, it doesn’t change a thing. Worst of all, they try to ” eat cake.” It’s bewildering and really painful. I can’t wait till I can finally be free of mine and not have to see or hear from him again. I hope you educate yourself and build your own teflon coated wall to protect yourself. You are so worth it. We all are.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

So well said, WTCS. And I read that entire book, “Runaway Husbands.” I can’t remember if I read it before or after finding Chump Lady. I do recall her saying in the book that these types that can just up and leave like your entire marriage meant nothing were narcs or sociopaths. I heard it in counseling first about my ex probably being a narc. That was just a few months after D-Day. So I just kept hearing it more and more with books validating what the counselor said. And then Chump Lady. And then watching scores of YouTube videos. The YouTube videos made me realize I was suffering from Narc Abuse Syndrome. I had at one time or another most of the 50 symptoms from Mark Smiths video “50 symptoms of narc abuse syndrome.” After watching that, I no longer felt I was totally losing it. Your post is so helpful. Thank you. 🙂

Chumpalertearly
Chumpalertearly
7 years ago

Thank you WishTuesCameSooner for taking time to messge me, I am so sorry that you are going through this again, it must be just as painful as before, Your words really hit home , all at CN are my saviours at the moment. I worry too about my future and scared of dating in the future incase I meet the wrong person again. I got it so wrong, I thought I found my knight in shining armour. How very wrong I was. I thought he adored me, thought I had my life figured out. I feel like such an idiot for not seeing who he was. Why did he want someone else, I did everything, we never argued, no lack of sex. Went out., brought him presents. Dinner on the table every night. He said he felt like the luckiest man alive. But I wasn’t enough. His marriage wasn’t enough Part of me is so angry that I never shouted or told him what I thought of him and never said a word to the Gym slut! Not to this day had anything been said . And today I sent of my decree nisi, it’s so so sad it had to end like this. Sending my hugs to you and hope you are okay.

JeepTess
JeepTess
7 years ago

Thank you WishTuesCameSooner 🙂

Very well said and completely the truth of the matter.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly, I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wanted to reply back to you earlier today, but the company I work for blocks Chump Lady and it’s always so hard to reply back on my lunchtime.

Men or women who can just leave and walk without any words truly suck. Your soon-to-be-ex is not worthy of your time. You deserve better and one day you’ll realize it!

I came to CL and CN almost a year ago. I was so lost. I had no idea what happened to me. If I could group hug all of CN, I would!

This time truly sucks. I heard from CN the words they are saying to you now, but I didn’t ever think the pain would go away. It does, loved one. And in a year or so you’ll be helping another chump. (((Hugs))) to you. I’m truly sorry you found your way here.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Must be lots of cheaters in your company…

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

LOL, kiwichump!

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

LOL

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago

You will feel somuch better in a year from now, hard to believe but you will. I got discarded coldly and stolen from all while pregnant, 5 months later he wanted me back, I said no, now he is a deadbeat father and I rarely hear from him at all. Sometimes I still feel upset about how I did not mean the same to him as he did to me. I still am puzzled about how he could just forget and not care about shared history and all that, but these thoughts used to take up 95% of my time, now maybe 2%… I am approaching two years since DDay. Hang in there!!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

No one in CN is lucky for being here. We have all suffered. We are lucky to have CL and support and wisdom and expertise and love.
I think you are minimizing your pain by comparing yourself to other chumps. Please don’t.

Chumpalertearly
Chumpalertearly
7 years ago

louisvilleflower, i am sorry i misunderstood your kind words, my head is really jumbled up today and I am really overly emotional. Thank you for your advice and kindness, and i will be back on here when I feel like I need advice, help and inspiration. I dont know where i would be without you all x

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

Hugs! I know exactly how you are feeling. Please take care of yourself the best you can during this very horrible time. Try to eat, sleep, rest, exercise, be kind to yourself. We have your back!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly

Thank goodness! Huge hugs to you. It’s so hard isn’t it to think straight at all after this happens to you. Shopping became a huge problem for me for a few months. I couldn’t put a coherent list together, then would just be confused in the grocery store. It was terrible. Made me feel even more of a failure. Meals were a nightmare with what I bought. Interesting doesn’t quite capture the weird combinations we ate for a while. My head was wrecked.
It was Tempest who helped by saying as long as there was food on the table and we were reasonably clean and the house wasn’t going to attract the attention of child protective services it was ok.
It would be more worrying if you were not over emotional. Hugs.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oh..yes! Whatever happened to the chumpy cook who used to plan and prepare elaborate meals to impress the cheater. I am now happy with spaghetyi broken into three parts just like Tempest does and thinking of the CN when I do it.

AmoreNoMore
AmoreNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Wow… what you just wrote Capricorn really hit me. I’m still going through the fog and it’s been over a year. It’s not as foggy but still …. a fog. The panic attacks are the worst. I am a smart, professional woman… and that jerk scrambled my brain with his lies. Uggg… thanks Chumps. I don’t know how I would have gotten this far without you

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  AmoreNoMore

AmoreNoMore

Fog is a good word for it. Even still I don’t feel my head is right. Thinking about what he did or just letting those thoughts slide through my mind still take up so much space. There is so much to re-evaluate;

STBXH is a cheat not a good guy
Last four years (at least)of marriage a sham
He didn’t have my back
We meant less to him than his dick
He is a liar
Narcs are everywhere
Some “friends”are really not
Boys need therapy
I am alone
I will be divorced
My future looks different
I am a single parent
My role and identity have changed
WTF ????

It’s no wonder that day to day tasks just don’t even register. After thinking all this it’s a miracle that we all function as well as we do IMO

Heather
Heather
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I am in the same boat. The list is so on point. Thanks.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn, that’s my list too. We had a beautiful family. We have two fantastic kids. And his dick and his constant need for female adoration is and will always be more important than his kids. He’s a true narc and yes, there are narcs everywhere. Who knew they existed?

Mally
Mally
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Your list is spot on.
Particularly the part about the family being less important than his dick.
That’s my narcissistic STBX all over.

junglechump
junglechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thank you for posting your list, I identify with pretty much all of it, relief to see they are normal thoughts.

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago

ChumpalertEarly,
Sending you big hugs today. Your story has touched me so much because your reality was so severely shaken. Like you woke up on Mars instead of Earth. And you didn’t even get to talk to him about it? (or yell or scream). It’s awful and so difficult to process when the person is just gone. Of course you still feel emotional. Six weeks? I was a walking zombie at 6 weeks. These are hard days. My DDay was 3 years ago. I promise you it gets better. And better. And better. ((((hugs))))

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Come back daily! Fridays are fun, in a twisted, chumpy way. The more you read, the more you know you are not alone. The more you post, the quicker you are able to start healing (in my opinion).
Sending big love!
❤❤❤

Tflan386
Tflan386
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly: You ARE lucky to have escaped in your 40s. My cheater-ex left shortly after my 40th birthday. I spent the next 5 years as a single mom with 3 young children. When I was 45, I re-married a fellow chump, who my kids adore. He remains the biggest blessing in my life 13 years later (outside of my children!). I count this last decade as one of the happiest in my life. I could not have said the same had I remained married to my cheating scumbag first husband, who left a beautiful family, without a backward glance.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tflan386

Tflan386, so nice to hear a happy ending!

Newme
Newme
7 years ago

Louisvilleflower you really do a great job in here! You are right, the more you read the more you realize that you are not the crazy one! It helps so much to know you are not alone.

Chumpalertearly
Chumpalertearly
7 years ago

Sorry to offend you but the word “lucky” is a word many chumps have expressed to me for getting out early after first DDay. I have posted before and have been told that by a few people. Thats all I meant. I know no one is lucky to be on here, i am going through hell right now and I would hate to feel i offended someone else in pain. Really did not mean anything by my words, and your message has just made me feel even worse than i did a few hours ago, perhaps i wont post on here again…sorry again Louisvilleflower.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly

One of my professors once asked how we know we are real. My response was met with a puzzled look when I said , “We feel pain.”

Each and every time I forgave him all that pain went away. I believed we were moving forward together.

It never ended until I finally faced that pain. It took me 41 years of believing what I invested in was ‘real’ before I found a therapist who told me he was a narcissist and that the repeated cycles (infatuation, devaluing, discard) I participated in were about power and control.

I never dodged the bullet, rather continued to stand as his object of abuse for years. I’m not proud knowing this yet now have clarity.

What you are doing my friend is facing the pain. It is like nothing else you could have imagined.

The paralysis, self doubt, and grieving are the necessary steps I avoided for years. In the end he coldly stated the whore wouldn’t like it if he spoke to me.

There is nothing lacking in you. You didn’t deserve this at all. Keep taking those baby steps, take care of your needs and know the pain is indeed finite. You will survive and thrive one day. It’s a Tuesday and there will be pie for all to share.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Doingme
That is a lovely post. I like pie…

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Luz will bake them fresh daily.

Claudia
Claudia
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Bravo ! This hit the nail on the head for me. I have been forgiving him to dodge the pain. It makes perfect sense. After forgiving him over the last few years, I guess he got bored and dropped me like a hot potato 2 weeks ago. He emails me daily because “he lost his phone”. Telling me he’s coming back, he just had to go out of state for work. Just like that. He tells me thru emails that he loves me, and wouldn’t give me up for “anything”. He’s a very skilled manipulator. Cries, says he misses me and the dogs. But he doesn’t want me to see him this way, meaning he’s used drugs. I stopped responding 2 days ago because it was like talking to a rock. His actions show me all I need to know. I’ve been in such pain. For me , I am totally alone. My parents are both deceased. Friends are nowhere to be found because they got fed up with me taking him back long ago. 1 year ago I went thru this with him, got over him and back he came. This time with an engagement ring vowing to never hurt me again. I was the love of his life. I was so apprehensive because I’d come so far in healing, was dating a awesome man. But nothing noone compares to the mind games this guy played. So I eased back in. It took me the year to accept the ring and say yes. That was 5 weeks ago. 2 weeks later he was gone. He swears he’s just working on himself. Getting better for us. Lol I know better. But my brain keeps saying , maybe he is? Or is that my heart. The best feeling I have right now is I know it’s over for good. I’d never take him back. Ever. But the sap in me feels totally empty of life. No reason to get up in the am . Probably because I know the end is here. I won’t date this time anytime soon, as I know all I’ll do is compare. I just dont know how to put 1 foot in front of the other. And move it. I’ve begun the process of trying to make amends to friends, that’s going to take a long time. I’m thinking I will take time and work on my codependent ways. Thanks for helping me see the light !

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Claudia

Claudia

“I just dont know how to put 1 foot in front of the other. And move it. I’ve begun the process of trying to make amends to friends, that’s going to take a long time. I’m thinking I will take time and work on my codependent ways. Thanks for helping me see the light !”

I have an addictive personality. Somehow chaos becomes a way of life and your normal. The times when you feel loved by him are those intermittent acts of kindness that keep you hooked. A ring (hook) to keep you bathing in shit. Excuses (hooks) to gain empathy. Block his phone, see a therapist who understands trauma, go no contact, sell the fucking ring, and find other things to fill the void. You are already alone as he has isolated you from friends.

Join meet ups, take classes, get your hair done, go hiking, and you will put an end to the abuse. He is toxic.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly–Louisvilleflower is always supportive of other chumps, and I think just wanted you to recognize that we know you are still in tremendous pain (even if you got out early; getting out early instead of wasting years with the cheater is “lucky” which is how you meant it, I know. But there’s nothing lucky about any of us having chosen fucktards for mates).

I’m sorry you feel worse, but I promise LF did not intend to attack you. Your pain brings back those early days when I would go into panic mode if someone didn’t call me back right away (“They don’t support me anymore?”), and I would tear up if someone showed me the slightest kindness. You are raw right now and any emotion will feel intensified–completely understandable; we’ve all been there.

Stay; you’re among friends.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you for your eloquent explanation!
❤❤❤

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly
LouisvilleFlower meant for you not to minimise your own pain by using the word lucky. She means we are all in the same boat, different aspects of the same god awful pain. She was more annoyed with the people who might have used lucky and you in the same sentence ! Please keep posting. I’m sure LouisvilleFlower will be back to say the same and she will feel bad that you feel bad. She doesn’t want you to minimise your own pain by using lucky.

Sorry LouisvilleFlower for speaking as you but I could not leave that to stand. Hope it is ok.

Chumpalertearly
Sending huge hugs to you. Come back and let us know you are ok. Well as ok as a chump can be. I know you said you have a messed up head today- to be honest who here doesn’t? That’s why we come.
Many hugs to you and be gentle with yourself. No one here would want you to go anywhere. This is the best place to heal.

Clara
Clara
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Early, When I was at the vacuum cleaner repair shop, yes my life is that bland, the owner started telling me about his favorite Andy Griffith episode, where little Opie shoots the mama bird with his sling shot.
Andy raises the window and tells Opie, do you hear those little birds crying for their momma?
Well, I commence to bawling. I mean crying so hard I got choked. Awkward? You bet. Why am I telling you this? Because after what we have been through, borrowing Tempest’s metaphor of being dropped from a 40 foot wall, we are broken. We are raw.
At the market, a check out girl asked me, How are you? I saw, Well, I sure have been better. She scans my groceries quickly to get rid of me.
This situation of being ran through the meat grinder leaves us so wounded. You and me, ghosted. Others, find evidence of affairs after 20 year of marriage and children.
One is a stabbing, the other a shooting. We are just the walking wounded.
This is the safest place I have found, in the world and the web. Much is lost in just words on a screen, the tone and intent. You are validated and supported here. I would bet the farm that if LFlower could help you track down your man and beat the brakes off him, she would. There ain’t a mean one in the bunch.
From one ghosted girl to another, pinkie promise.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

Well said, Clara. CL and CN is the safest place to be. And CL is keeping us safe from trolls now too!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

You totally get me.
❤❤❤

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Phew I hope so. You are a hero! You were one of the very first people on CL when I first posted to say something that soooo helped. I kept it. And it was the first comment that made me realise that people here ‘got’ it. It makes such a difference. You made such a difference.
❤❤❤

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

I feel like such a bitch.
I meant to welcome you, not minimize you or push you away!
Someone else please tell her to stay!

Nomorebs
Nomorebs
7 years ago

You are not a bitch. It was clear to me what you were trying to express.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Never a bitch LouisvilleFlower!
I got what you meant. Some days though my head is not right and I write a post and then wonder if I said it right, then wonder why it got no comments or worry what the comments mean and if I am being too uptight or off base in some way. Or worry about being judgemental or misunderstood!
We are chumps and I guess part of that for many of us is being people pleasers or not wanting to offend.
But your comment was fine! You didn’t want her to minimise her pain.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Oh, I am not offended! I am sorry!
There are so many terrible stories here that I understand it is easy to think you dodged a bullet. I just want you to understand that everyone here knows that this is the worst thing that has happened to you. It is. You can’t compare yourself to anyone else because you are minimizing your own pain. I am sorry that I wasn’t clear.

Clara
Clara
7 years ago

I am not sure if I should tell you. But, he will be back around. It will be when he wants or needs something. Or his new dream life is not what he expected. I was ghosted as well. Discarded with ruthless apathy when I kicked him out for cheating.
If this helps, I am as sad about the discard as the cheating. Just like you. I started crying in a vacuum cleaner repair shop yesterday. Why? Because I cannot believe that he does not miss me. Because I miss him. This is like me missing a bad case of the crabs.
I even said to a confidant last night, I am going through a death. The whole focus of my life is gone, but I know he is alive. With someone else.
Mine did not try to fight for me either. And this man can fight when he wants to. But it is a terrible circle, because as you said, I would never take him back anyway. Mine has made three stupid attempts and they were all directly about seeing me. I said no. We can’t put the toothpaste back in that tube.
I hope you feel better tomorrow. Frame it in this way. Even though you (me) can’t see it, it is a gift that we were ghosted.
Fighting a disordered person is hell, expensive and soul gutting. This pain, of being discarded, is preferable to being terrorized. Fun choices, right?

Desdemona
Desdemona
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

Wow Clara! So well written!

Susannah
Susannah
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

They do come back around. My ex-husband sent a text at a time (several years ago) when he knew I was lonely: “U want to get together? Not wanting anything, just to have a lil fun.” I didn’t reply. I am not a stand-in fuckbuddy. With that dud, I am so grey rock I’m a walking Stonehenge. And just a couple days ago, a sociopath ex-boyfriend I dumped five years ago, sent an IM asking “How are you, old friend?” Then he sent a sticker. I didn’t reply. I’m happily married now. Plus, ex-boyfriend sucks. They come back, and it can even be years later. Treat them like trash washed up on a beach: when they are removed, the beach is so much better. And life is a beach, after all, the saying goes.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

“…so grey rock I’m a walking Stonehenge.”

This image.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

“…so grey rock I’m a walking Stonehenge.”

Pure comedy gold-
Thanks for the laugh today!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

Same.
I forgave my cheater 4 times before he finally left me for an affair partner.
He’s sold it as not being the “affair” that ended us, it was us “growing apart” and the affair was just a product of that……that he wanted to be great to all of us post divorce but we just wouldn’t have any of that and refuse to accept his affair partner so that was that.
I too have never had my cheater try to come around again. He lives with her, raises her kids. Our kids. ( adults) are no contact with him but he just accepts that as their choice to not see how awesome he is. I was so hostile and demanding in the divorce and discard that I am the reason we can’t be friends.
Ummmm……no. I don’t know why hes never tried to get more cake from me and I don’t care. I suspect it’s because I’ve never missed an opportunity to let him know he will never deceive me again and that I know exactly who he is ( they hate that shit) or it’s the fact that I have a boyfriend and he knows rejection is certain.
There is something insulting though about the fact that you give them such a huge portion of yourself…..your years, your heart, and they just drop you like it’s nothing.
Rather than being hurt I choose to just treat it as a life lesson.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Oh, Jackass made it clear he would never, ever speak to me again, because I dared to accuse him of having a secret relationship with his MOW, while denying he was “discarding” me. All that means is that I saw through the mask and got a good, clear look at his lying Jackass self.

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Aaarrrhhhgg! My STBX said exactly that this morning! We ‘grew apart’ and that’s why the affair happened! Cheater handbook page 29 paragraph 3…

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago

Yes! Somehow we are to be blamed for the growing apart portion despite the dick-GPS moving in various out of home destinations from day 1. I guess we couldn’t fine tune that device due to our inability to be good enough for them.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Or too good for them.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago

I got the same. Interesting tho, that mine was a serial cheater from day 1. So I guess we were growing apart from the day we met. Bless his heart that he proposed, married & stayed for years despite his growing apart the entire time. So selfless on his part. :/ Nothing but bullshit coming from their mouths.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

Yes, his dick was always going somewhere else from day one.

Mally
Mally
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Lol, yes, and my STBX was doing that too it seems. Mine wants an amicable and equitable divorce ( and it will be so until i am outta here and then throw all his lies back at him).
I now know when he is lying…. it’s every time his lips move.
He is now even making up lies to people that are totally unnecessary. I don’t think he can operate in truth mode any more, if ever.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Ha Ha Ha! THIS-
“Yes, his dick was always going somewhere else from day one”
Same with my stbx!!!

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

The “fighting” for you isn’t real. It’s image management so they can blame you for the end of the marriage when you don’t take them back.

Chumpman
Chumpman
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

For women chumps, the sorry is about consequences for their money and carefree lifestyle (loss of wife appliance). Impose these consequences ASAP.

I was just discarded like a piece of shit that I am. Luckily, another lady thought that piece of shit is gold, and I have been married to her a very long time.

Do not waste your time, your cheater will not start caring. They will jump from one drug induced high to another. They need new relationship high. Find a fellow chump to marry.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Or it’s ‘fighting’ to get their cushy life back, to avoid consequences. It’s not about you and what they’ve done to you, it’s not about remorse for the pain they’ve caused or about valuing you and being horrified that they risked losing you. It’s about THEM, their regret at having miscalculated in leading their life in the way that best benefits them.

So they can’t work authentically to repair the relationship, because their concern never was about the relationship. And they’ll become resentful of YOU for wanting that repair work.

Current Chump
Current Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

THIS “So they can’t work authentically to repair the relationship, because their concern never was about the relationship. And they’ll become resentful of YOU for wanting that repair work”

After finding CL/CN I realized that stbx was just “Sorry-not sorry” and “you’re not the boss of me”
He had the emotional depth of a gutter trickle and I finally told him that it was over because I knew that he would NEVER be able to do the hard work or put forth enough cough, any effort to repair the marriage. AKA actually feel sorry & have genuine remorse. Pod people can’t do that. Thanks to CL/CN I came to see that he was incapable of love (or any feeling) and just wanted a wife appliance or as we say “cake” or “smorgasboard of P”

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

++++1000

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yep. STBX was genuinely shocked when I kicked him out of my room and stopped cooking/shopping/doing laundry for him. That was when I got my “apology.”

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yup. That’s why the ‘reconciliation’ is typically so half-hearted.

Chumpalertearly
Chumpalertearly
7 years ago
Reply to  Clara

Thank you Clara. I hate how much I miss him and think about why he does not miss me. I wish there was a magic tablet you could take to stop thinking about them and whether they happy without you !I know you are right about being glad to be ghosted, its just i dont feel it right now. I just would have liked him to have at least fought a bit, a text or something when the papers landed at his Dads house. I just burst out crying when the lady at the divorce centre told me they were back and signed. I suppose it just means all this is really happening. I was strong to tell him it was over after my first DDay but today I feel weak. I can honestly say I have never felt so awful in my life over this, Our emotions are all over the place and cheaters honesty have no care about the damage they do. Everyone tells me that i will look back on this and feel sooo lucky to have escaped this in my early 40s….. i cant wait for that day. Hope you get that day too Clara, soon 🙂

NeverLookingBack
NeverLookingBack
7 years ago

I got ghosted too. It WILL get better. My DDay was 31 August 2015. Since then, I am well and truely into my second year of freedom and life has gotten better and better. Honestly, I just remember CL’s words, “he’s no prize” whenever my mind places tricks on me. Better her than me, I say. That person you thought you knew and loved? That wasn’t who they REALLY ARE. It took months to have my new reality sink in, long after he was gone.

Mine stuck around for 2 weeks before ghosting (thank god), only because he needed things from me. I was lucky; I was only in wreckonciliation for a fortnight. Everyone here is right. They only stick around when they need something.

Honestly, it is good he is gone. Mine stated that “a life without me was no life at all.” All the while texting the OW. You don’t want that. It’s hard to accept that he doesn’t care. Because you do. That’s what makes you a nice person and he isn’t. Plus, mindfuckery is very bad for your mental health. Now you can heal without interference, and deal with what is going on in your own mind without his ongoing, mindfuckery interferring with that process.

Take each day as it comes, take care of yourself, weed out the sycophants and Switzerlands. Get a good psychologist. See them regularly. Make new friends. Do stuff you like. You are doing an amazing job. Keep it up.

KnowYourWorth
KnowYourWorth
7 years ago

Wow I too have been ghosted. It’s been two months only communication via email about taxes. I gave up my life moved to new city, purchased the home he wanted etc. I kicked him out for cheating but must admit I expected he would fight for me, for us, our marriage. Nothing… he was recently injured in a car accident with the woman I suspected he was cheating with. I know because she gave my address at the scene! I received her medical bill! The nerve, like you I’m told I’ll be happy this ended in a year at 37 years old but it doesn’t feel that way. I’m broken hearted and disappointed beyond words but life goes on… feel better tomorrow it’s a new day

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  KnowYourWorth

KnowYourWorth, there are no words for what you said. I’m just so appalled and so sorry what you went through and are going through. Trust that he sucks.

KnowYourWorth
KnowYourWorth
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thanks Martha. It feels like I’m viewing someone else’s life through my eyes. It’s unbelievable that the same person that took vows to love, honor and cherish me has disrespected me and crushed my heart, not to mention the OW now has my home address yet I have no idea where he’s staying or where she lives. All I can do is keep moving forward. Peace & Blessings to all

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  KnowYourWorth

Yeah, I can totally relate to what I can only call an out body experience. It’s like you are in your body, but you are viewing your life and can’t believe it’s happening. I still have days like that. I look around and say, “How did I get here?” I’m so sorry you are going through this. It will get better. It really will. (((Hugs))) to you, KnowYourWorth

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

It helped me to frame it up a bit differently – it wasn’t that I missed him, it’s that I missed what and who I thought he was, what I lost when I realized he wasn’t who he claimed to be. It was the dream I was grieving, not the human. Don’t know if that helps?

Crazy Lady
Crazy Lady
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree, I agree with you. I have been married 39 years and in my late 50s, and now feel like I don’t know the person in my husband’s body. He has no remorse for what he’s done. Claims he is not seeing “sweetie” anymore, but I believe he still is. He’s like a stranger. He doesn’t want a divorce and thinks our marriage is good (guess this is because he still does what he wants). I feel broken and don’t know what to do. Never thought I would be alone as I got older, but that is what will end up happening. Just wish I could wake up and everything be over with – divorced and living in a new place. I don’t have the energy to deal with anything now. I ‘m dealing with to much anger and grief to think about moving on.

Mally
Mally
7 years ago
Reply to  Crazy Lady

Crazy lady, I too am trying to come out of a marriage that wasn’t what I thought it was. I didn’t expect to be getting divorced at 50 but here I am due to my STBXH appalling behaviour which only came to light in the past few weeks. Note – I had already filed for divorce mid November due to long term emotional abuse as my husband is a narcissist with anger issues and sociopathic tendencies ( with the odd bit of passive aggressive behaviour on the side too).
Within 2 weeks of filing I accidentally uncovered his secret sex life. It is worse than anyone could have imagined. He has been regularly and frequently having sex with absolutely loads of people. I say people because I discovered it’s not just women. Yep, I just discovered my husband is bisexual and I never ever knew. I uncovered his secret stash of personal sex tapes – his narcissism is so serious he tapes himself pretty much every time he has been with these people. Initially I found over 30 mini discs. Last week I found another 200. The mind boggles. I don’t know how he has had time to go to work as he seems to spend most his time shagging others. Anyway, if you put the discs into the laptop the date comes up when they were made. Turns out the 30 odd discs I initially found are just the last 12 months! Have only had time to check a couple of the new stash of 200 I found and so far his misdemeanours date back 13 years to when we bought our current house. Discs show him with men, women and even holding swingers parties in local travelodge hotel!!!
I don’t know who I married any more. I didn’t know he was bisexual as he never told me and I had no indications. I cannot believe he has been doing this for so long.
At the moment I have kept quiet about what I have discovered. I really want my day of confrontation once the divorce is sorted and me and our daughter are out of here and set up on our own. I feel after 23 years of marriage I deserve some answers. I certainly didn’t deserve this.
I am getting stronger daily. I am enjoying the little things he says that I can throw back in his face. He has often said ‘what goes around comes around’ and I can’t wait to throw that back at him. He has no idea I know about his secret sex life. He even made a reference to gay people when he himself is bisexual. It’s unbelievable. He prides himself on being a man who is well prepared for everything and he always goes on about how he has a contingency for all eventualities. Can’t wait to ask him what his contingency is for his family uncovering his secret double life.
On learning of our divorce ( because he opened my post the bastard) he made absolutely no effort to save the marriage. In fact he took off his wedding ring within 24 hours. He spent 2 hours bitching that he didn’t want to lose the house but 2 days to ask what the arrangements would be regarding out teen daughter who’s still at home. So his priorities are totally screwed up and this brought to light how severe his narcissism is.
To all of you out there thinking you can’t do this – yes you bloody can – get out of the relationship because you all deserve much better treatment. For me I realised he wasn’t going to change plus I had to have more respect for myself and consider what example I was setting for my kids by staying.
I went through a period wondering if I could manage on my own. Here’s the way I look at it – my mum is 75 and manages perfectly well on her own! So does my father in law who is 90 and still independent and going strong. Also, the alternative was to stay in this sham of a marriage for the next 20/39 years with things only getting worse. Why would I put myself through that?
I am looking forward to restarting my life this summer once the divorce is sorted.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Mally

Holy, Mally! You are mighty!

My sister has said to me, “Martha, you don’t know what God is protecting you from. There could be more that you don’t know about.”

When I read other chumps stories, I sometimes think, my ex could have done this too! He went to work each day, but sure never ever seemed to be caught-up! At one point he was working seven days a week. Monday thru Friday at work. Saturday and Sunday at home. It’s like he was the fricken President of the United States! Now I can see how easy it was to lie to me. I thought he was going off to work. In reality he was meeting a former ho-worker for coffee before work. He could have easily taken the day off work, but pretended to go to work and I would never have known. If I were to call him at work, the voice mail would have picked up. He could have said, “I was at a meeting.” I never would have known!

I have no doubt in mind that there’s a lot that I don’t know about. I can barely stomach knowing my husband had his hands (and probably more) all over naked strippers. And then he brought that filth back home and could have given me an STD (and I was pregnant at that time, so he could have hurt our baby!). Fuckwits don’t care about that. They only care about themselves.

You story is horrendous, Mally. I don’t know how are surviving this. You are super mighty!

Mally
Mally
7 years ago
Reply to  Mally

Thanks you guys, my new motto is ‘don’t let the bastard beat me’ so I am operating with this in mind plus it suits me to keep things outwardly civil for the sake of our daughter.
I dislike conflict and as I unfortunately have to stay in this house with STBX until divorce and finances sorted ? I would rather it not be in t.urmoil.
When my solicitor suggested I be a detective ( trying to trace some missing money I can’t account for that STBX had) little did I know what I would uncover. I am finding out new stuff each week. I am learning not to be surprised anymore. I don’t know how deep the rabbit hole goes or even if it has a base! I have been very sneaky and resourceful in uncovering his lies. I don’t any longer care about his infidelities so much as I want to find out as much as I can to throw in his face just to show him I can find out anything! He has obviously felt he’s 5 steps ahead of me but now he is 5 steps behind! I think it will cripple him to know that I know – especially the amount of depth of what I know – so I am looking forward to that day of confrontation. I am making a bloody power point with photos and everything!
Also, because I wasn’t sure what evidence I would need for the divorce, I have been secretly recording every conversation we have had since last February! I have him on tape saying all sorts of narcissistic crap and plenty of his favourite sayings which I can throw back at him. In fact I need good tech support to see if I can isolate bits of the audio recordings to put on the power point so he can hear his own stupid voice saying his own stupid crap and I can flash up photos of his uncovered double sex life and really watch his face when he realises what I’ve discovered!

Although I feel completely and utterly betrayed by the man I thought I married I clearly married someone who was so far from what he seems it’s untrue.

nutmegpixy
nutmegpixy
7 years ago
Reply to  Mally

Ditto. OMFG! Molly u are freaking awesome and mighty! Damn these narcs are unbelievable….praying for your strength.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Mally

OMFG

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Crazy Lady

Crazy lady

After such a long marriage no wonder you feel devastated and not sure which way is up, especially as he continues to treat you appallingly and continues to lie. Of course he doesn’t want a divorce. He’s a cake eating cheater not crazy. He wants you and the life you provide plus slut on the side. I know it feels like you are broken but you will make it through to the other side and probably will find your life improves.
It does unfortunately take some time to process the pain and get to ‘meh’.
Lots of support here and in the forums.
It isn’t you. It never was you. It’s all on him. The shame and blame belong to him. You loved and trusted. That’s who you are. Dig deep and remember who you were and want to be. Now is the time to dig out any long buried or half remembered dreams of yours. The process of getting there is a bit long and hard but that’s what chump nation is here for.
Huge hugs and positive vibes to you.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago

You’ll have bad days but soon enough they will be few and far between. When you look back say a year or two from now, you will have the satisfaction of dumping his ass and having taken action immediately. Chumps that hung on trying to salvage the relationship can tell you firsthand that they wished they had cut ties upon the first discovery. They mourn and agonize over the wasted time and years not the ex. Also, Clara is correct that your defect will more than likely return at some point. Again, down the road you will have further satisfaction of never engaging him or listening to his “side” of the story. Oh and count on him coming up with some lame crap. From being depressed, you not paying enough attention to him, etc. Please do not give him the satisfaction of explanation. That’ll kill him when you shut him down or totally ignore him. One more thing, you are in your prime, go on and enjoy your life.

Selfaware
Selfaware
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Holy crap mine blamed it on being depressed and said he did it to push me away…to save me. That was in the email weeks after the fact, straight after he said it was because he ‘felt unloved’…we had got back from Rome five days before. Where I took him. For Christmas.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Chumpalertearly: You are still in the most painful, haze-inducing stage. No one gets dropped from a 40-foot precipice and just gets up and walks away. Of course you’re befuddled; what your STBX did flies in the face of all we expect from people, it flies in the face of goodness & compassion and love (the principles by which you have lived your life). You will get to a stage of anger that will help you start disengaging emotionally, but until then (and even during the anger) there is a lot of muddy pain to wade through. Sending hugs.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Now that it’s been 10+ months of total no contact and high conflict litigation, I’ve uncovered just how NOT SORRY Dr. Crazy was during reconciliation.

Demand action. From the start.

Morse
Morse
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Yup Geode this ^^^, “NOT SORRY” not remotely sorry, just entitled!

And still fighting me after 12 months of discard, total character assignation and SHIT.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago

I found CL well after my divorce, yet I was still struggling with trying to untangle the skein. I remember like yesterday how my ex broke down with his sobbing, heaving “I’m sorry” complete with snot bubbles and streaming tears. That scene really does affect you and cause pause. However, CL is right. It’s not true remorse. It’s all a result of cheater feeling sorry for him/herself and as soon as you, the betrayed, start seeking proof via actions, the tables turn once again. I was accused of being unreasonable and untrusting and how it was wrong and hurtful for me to invade his privacy…. Such a load of crap.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Over and Out

Yeeeeeeeeexactly. We are twins.

Mine was sobbing all through signing the divorce papers at the notary. Hundreds of skanky affairs and he still wanted to paint himself the victim. And I still had to grieve him and it took years to untangle the mental mess, much of which didn’t start until I found CN.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree

Can I ask if you had seen him cry before?
Mine cried but only once (although he said he teared up a lot) but thinking back I never saw him cry before ever.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Yes, he was quick to tears in general. Sensitive artist type persona. It was an act, of course, and it worked on me for a long time because I am legitimately very emotional.

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Never saw my ex cry until I told him I was done…

Over and Out
Over and Out
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Apology or not, the sheer level of emotional abuse that is dished out by these disordered cheaters is unfathomable by mere mortals… People who have never experienced it, just don’t get it — especially when cheater-pants cry and sob to others about how sorry they are. My ex gained a lot of support from people who couldn’t believe I wasn’t willing to give him another chance. He even threatened suicide. It was oh-so-very-pathetic and heart-wrenching to see him like that, BUT something deep down inside me screamed “Run! It’s a trap!”

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

?
Still in divorce process. I emailed STBX about finances and he replied adding that it was “all a bit sad…”
He is the only sad thing here.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago

Arggh! How condescending. Minimizing imploding your life. Like stubbing your toe on the coffee table. It’s a wee bit tender.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

After moving from temporary digs to a more permanent apartment just before the divorce, on moving day, my X emailed, “I am filled with sadness.” It took all my self-control not to reply, “I am filled with relief.”

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Haha, the restraint we muster Tempest.

After I threw him out it was all business with his texts. He saved the rage for in person encounters. Alway about image management.

On his first birthday weeks later he asked my daughter if I should be invited to his annual birthday lobster dinner she had for him. She said NO. I sent along a present; a sweat shirt with the whores home town on the front. She said be had the sadz and would never do this again.

The fight ended. I was done. Still wanting to keep me as plan B+, after the divorce was settled in court he looked at me with a puppy dog face and said he thinks about me all the time.

Damn if that cake wasn’t delicious.

crushed
crushed
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

“I sent along a present; a sweat shirt with the whores home town on the front”
HAHAHAHA!!!!!!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  crushed

The part I left out was that I gave him until his birthday to reconsider. It was the first ultimatum I had ever given him.

Now I laugh to think the aging narc indeed must think about this every time he BLOWS out his candles. Hahaha.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The day before my birthday, STBX posted on Facebook “please everyone wish Louisvilleflower a happy birthday. Divorce transition is hard.” (Image management, of course.) Not hard for me, douchebag. (My lawyer sent his a cease and desist letter immediately. There will be a clause in settlement about not posting about me on social media.)

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

Yep! You are so right.

Chumperchipcookie
Chumperchipcookie
7 years ago

I remember feeling so bad for my cheating ex. When he got busted, he was SO sad. He moped around and would say, I don’t know what”s wrong with me. I remember comforting him at times – the sad sausage was so confused. (Super Chump!). But, when pressed for more info, he would become tight-lipped and defensive. He wasn’t the least bit sorry. Like CL said, he didn’t want his back up plan to fall apart. He wasn’t sorry, he was afraid.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Chumperchip
Yes exactly mine. Didn’t take too long…well maybe quite long…..to realise in between many many sorry’s and much looking sad, there was no offering of more stuff, no details, nothing remotely helpful. Every single detail had to be prised out like teeth. Painful all round.
I’m sure now he is sorry but more for getting caught and having everyone know and think differently about him.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Yeah, I did the same things, too (Super Chump here too!). I comforted the “confused” baby too. A couple days after D-day, my girlfriend came over to our home to talk. She brought me flowers (my ex got me flowers twice in 20 years). The cheater comes home from work and sees the flowers and I told him who I got them from. He said and I quote, “I wish someone would get me flowers.” So what did Super Chump do? I ordered flowers the next day and had them sent to his work! I still cannot believe I did that, but I’m a chump! Or I WAS a chump!!! He cheated on me, but sent him flowers!!! Ugh.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oy. I tried comforting my STBX too, when he was crying on my couch during wreckonciliation. I thought he was crying about how much he’d hurt me. Idiot I am…when I asked him to talk, it turns out he’s crying over the OW, missing her and wishing he hadn’t ended it so abruptly with her, maybe he hurt her feelings. I should have said “SERIOUSLY? You’re worried about HER feelings???” Instead I held his hand and listened (I still cringe that I did that, but I was so desperate to save our marriage and family). All the while my mind is reeling with confusion on how the heck to react, and also hearing alarm bells that I was headed into some seriously fucked up territory. Yuk.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
7 years ago
Reply to  NotYourPlanB

Sorry for repeat post. It said the first one failed, but turns out it didn’t.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Oy. I tried comforting InstantGratificationBoy too, during our wreckonciliation when he said he was sorry..found myself in the STRANGEST situation where he’s crying on the couch and I’m trying to bury all my prickly anger and hurt to comfort him now that he wanted to come home. I asked him to talk about it, turns out he’s crying because he missed the OW and felt so bad he’d broken it off with her so abruptly, maybe he hurt her feelings. I should have said SERIOUSLY??? You’re worried about HER feelings?? and booted him out. Instead I held his hand (I still cringe to think that I did that) and tried to be understanding, so desperate was I to save our marriage. All the while my head is spinning about how the heck any chump is supposed to behave in such a situation. And warning bells clanging in my head that I’m walking into some really fucked up territory. Yet I stayed…

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, i got the flower scenario, too. Flowers once in 3 years, given to me at the spot where he professed his undying love – but the timestamp on an email sent to his “one, true love” said it was sent the night OF his professing it to me!
2 instance of flowers is actually an “almost got you flowers” as in “i almost got you flowers on the way home but then i changed my mind after thinking i would look weird walking home with a bouquet”….this “almost got you something” scenario played out after he admitted to being obsessed with my sister (who he stalked through social media, saying that she was flirting with him) and having sexual fantasies and masturbating to her, after treating me like utter crap in private for 2 months and withholding affection,etc…we did have a good few weeks where i thought everything is fine and *maybe* i can trust him, but that was just him pulling the wool over my eyes…

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  mg

MG, he’s a loser. Wow. You deserve better. Hugs to you. 🙂

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Thank you! Hugs to us all!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  mg

Sheesh! I use the phrase “and he wonders why she’s mad he’s drilling her sister or whatever” as disparaging snark with my friend because it seems so dramatically outrageous. MG, that dude is a wanker!

Moving-Right-Along...
Moving-Right-Along...
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Literally!

TiredChump
TiredChump
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha – I can one up you. I waited FOR THE FURNITURE delivery at STBX’s new apartment– within 2 weeks of kicking him out when I realized he was back with ho-worker 12 mos after d-day and faux reconciliation.
I even bought him a throw pillow!!! Ack – who was that!

It takes a while to transition from sacrificial (anything to keep family intact) to empowered (I DESERVE BETTER)
Chump Nation has carried me across the line !!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Yes, TiredChump. It does take awhile to realize you deserve better. I would have crammed myself into a 4×4 box to save our marriage and family. It’s only taken lotsa time and NC to realize what I truly deserve and want.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

TiredChump—I am SOOOOOO happy you’ve crossed the finish line (been following your story since the beginning; grew alarmed when we didn’t hear from you, and was relieved when you said you’d thrown cheater out). Howorker can have your demented X, who is an idiot to have lost you.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Don’t feel bad. I told my then-husband that he could keep partners on the side while I stayed faithful because I wanted to keep my family together, I think that I was crowned into the Chump royalty that day.he then asked me to choose a dating service for him.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife, still wondering who the rock star is. lol.

The things I read here. I believe it all, because I have down and put up with so much that is so crazy

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Omfg

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Please let this be Friday’s game…

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I’ve got an excellent one! I’ll save it to see if this is tomorrow’s post, though!

The chumpiest thing I did ….

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Oh, this is a good thread!
The Chumpiest thing I ever did was…

So many to choose from!
Pre DDay:
I was worried about ff driving home from work (1 1/2 hour drive) in bad weather, so I encouraged him to spend the night in a hotel. I packed his clothes for him. Made it so much easier to screw his AP.
Post DDay:
Taking the kittens he got (to lure the kids to his apartment) to the vet.
Buying a new battery for the smoke detector at his apartment because the smoke alarm kept beeping.

Katbug
Katbug
7 years ago

I went and got a “happy” family portrait taken with my now ex…. just 5 weeks after D day. ? JUST AWFUL

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Katbug

Katbug me too!

Newlady15
Newlady15
7 years ago

You are so right. I wish I had found this site back when he was caught the first time. He apologized many times he just didn’t mean it. Proposed again along with a (now) gag inducing wedding in Central Park. I was told I had to stop nagging(ie. getting upset about all of the evil behaviour) and never say no to sex. He was to be transparent and go to counselling(he went 3 x). All it did was make him feel entitled to ramp up the abuse and blow off half of our life savings…sorry not sorry. Ughhh it would be very different if I could turn back the clock

Dee
Dee
7 years ago

I recently re-read a ‘sorry’ letter ex wrote to me on the Christmas after D-Day. Instead of giving gifts, we (actually I) had decided to write letters to each other outlining changes we would make to show our love to each other more. At the time, I was smoking the hopium pipe, sure we could get through this. Ha! I now see his words for what they were – a carefully crafted attempt to convince me not to out him and the affair. Sooo self-serving. None of his proposed show-my-love-for-you actions ever followed the letter. Watch what they do, not what they say.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Dee

I have a few of those letters. When I reread them I check off all the cheater techniques. Gaslighting- check! Blame shift – check! Minimizing – check! False equivalency – check! Mind fuckery – check! check! check!

KathleenK
KathleenK
7 years ago

hahaha louisvilleflower! Don’t you feel like you have a PhD in cheater/narc speak? I’ve received a better education here on CL than at the university!! And I too check off the list of mind fuckery every time he emails. He is now always set to “charm” and does some subtle blame shifting with a soupçon of false equivalency. I now miss nothing after 20 years of missing EVERYTHING!!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  KathleenK

Love it! Seeing through the bs in the present and in hindsight is awesome. I laid out my STBXs pattern of behavior for my lawyer a while ago so she would know what we are dealing with. He is so predictable now that it is laughable.

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
7 years ago

At D-day #3 it was a situation at first where I didn’t have any proof of infidelity but he kind of flinched and wouldn’t show me his phone. That trieggered an investigative rampage by me and I find an inappropriate text (but still no proof of anything). But, because of the past I said the only way I would go on was for him to do a full disclosure backed by polygraph. He balked, begged, pleaded not to have to do that but knew I meant business (I’m not giving myself props here — I should have thrown him out the instant he wouldn’t show me his phone — he later pulled a switcheroo on the phone btw and told me that the phone was not operable to make a call but he’d been using it for porn — this was a lie — the truth was that he’d had a 2nd phone for over 6 years that I’d known *nothing* about — hence why he could always say “you can look at my phone, phone bill, etc. etc.”).

Then after the most egregious disclosure imaginable. Multiple women. Every year. For the entire time I’ve been with him (over thirty years). He starts in on the recommended “recovery program” prescribed by the sex addiction specialist. Yes, he was doing some things — morning teleconference group meetings (he wouldn’t go to in-person meetings because he’s kind of well known in the community. He was journaling some. Giving himself points for eating healthy and working out (hahahaha!). After watching him “work” for a couple months — no sponsor, no meaningful interaction with the support group members (in fact was probably just learning more ways to keep things stealthily on the down low from the sex addiction calls) I found Chumplady and said “I’m out”.

My therapist had said look for openness, brokenness and humility . . . I didn’t observe much of that and finally got honest about that with myself. I still can’t figure out why he went and did the disclosure other than he knew I was gone without it. I wish I’d had the gumption to walk out before that because the 3-day intensive (with disclosure & polygraph) was pricey. But, having the unfathomable truth does make the last 34 years of my life make a bit more sense.

Now I just have to focus on why I dealt with him for so long.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Nikki Lynn

Nikki

After the final DDay I called the last of many OW spanning my 36 year marriage. After I disclosed his multiple affairs she asked why I stayed. At the time I didn’t know the answer telling her we had three children together and that I loved him.

After much therapy I know he could never love anyone. I had bonded with a sociopath who blatently and repeatedly disrespected me and I fought like hell to keep what I thought I had.

In the end he smiled and stated it was always about the thrill of the chase. And had I stayed my therapist assured me it would kill me in the end.

When I finally saw him without the mask I knew my role was to keep his mask firmly glued on to protect his image. Once I divorced him it came unglued.

The way he spoke to me in the end was as if he had pulled off the heist of a lifetime, robbing me of my very soul. He was proud of that in itself.

To be sure I would never move on, gloating about his actions throughout our marriage was not enough. He WENT for the kill saying the cruelest and most hateful things imaginable to push me off the cliff.

Why did I stay? I didn’t see the monster. I had bonded with a sociopath. Peace to you Nikki.

AmoreNoMore
AmoreNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

You just told my story. Exactly. How can I ever trust again? How do I see the signs of a narc/sociopath? Or… do I now see them in everyone. Only time will tell.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  AmoreNoMore

The signs were always there Amour. It is about knowing what a healthy loving relationship looks like. It’s looking at how we got there, what we believed, and may have origins in FOO issues.

I can spot a narc in minutes now.. I trust myself, gut included. I will never merge finances with anyone at this age/stage in my life. I will be vulnerable yet recognize my own needs and make sure they are met. It’s hard to fix a picker however, the strength comes in knowing/setting boundaries and having expectations. Now without a doubt I know I am strong enough to walk away with a simple statement, “This isn’t working for ME.”

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Applauding you, DoingMe, on your growth and confidence that you now have to walk away with those 5 little words. Love them. And, I think I’m there too.

And yes, I agree, “it’s about knowing what a healthy loving relationship looks like.”

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago

Read this quote yesterday somewhere : Always apologizing; never sorry.

I think that pretty much sums up alot of these dolts.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Yes. I still get “sorry” via text and email. (When he isn’t being verbally abusive, threatening, sad or otherwise manipulative.) I mentally change it to read “fuck you,” because that is what he is really saying based on his actions.

Nikki Lynn
Nikki Lynn
7 years ago

Yea Louisvilleflower, I know what you mean. I’m getting those text as well and find them insulting at the lameness. And, the best of all is the occasional “Good Morning.” I mean, WTF?!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

When my ex admitted to me that he went to Canada over ten and got 100% naked lap dances (plus I’m sure bj’s and sex, because one days years ago I asked him, “If someone offered you sex, would you?” And his EXACT words were, “Hell, yes!!!!” with a big smile on his face when he said it.), he sobbed in a fetal position in bed and said, “I’m so ashamed!” And I felt bad for him, because he was so upset by what he did. And then days later he said, “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you.”

He never did anything to make it up to me. Not one thing. He never cared how any of his actions hurt me deeply. Everything was all about him and his feelings.

There was never any remorse for anything he did to me. If there was, he would have stopped doing it, but instead took his double life farther under ground.

One of the lessons I’ve learned through this whole debacle, is walk away from a liar. Walk away from people with squirrely behavior. Walk away when things don’t feel right, even though you are not sure exactly what is wrong. Walk away from people who make you feel confused when you talk with them. Walk away from people who get defensive when you maturely try to talk with them over some of their bad behavior.

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Mine said after our last blowup
“If you can’t say you forgive me then I’ll try and do things to make it up to you. If you can forgive me then the past is done and we should just concentrate on the future.” WHAT. THE. FUCK?!
Mine also used to go to Ca regularly for business…i never knew about the stripclubs there offering sex until i read your posts…he tavelled a lot and when we happened to travel together he would point out places he’s stopped. On a few occasions he’d say “and there’s a stripclub down that road. But i don’t go to sc’s, don’t like em” yeah, right!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  mg

mg, I had no idea about the Canadian clubs were about more than stripping until a chump here on CN who was from Canada who responded to my letter to CL. I totally knew the strippers were naked. When he said “no touching” I believed him. Why would I not? Canadian strip clubs are brothels.

I live near Canada, but in NY. This is from my friend who lives near me in the states after I asked him about the strips clubs in Canada.

“There is definitely touching and yes, you can get sex if you want to spend money….either in the club or in massage parlors near by. I’ve been in the back rooms – I honestly have not been to a club up there since before I was married – and I’ve been offered the chance for sex. I never did it. It grosses me out. But, I have buddies who have.”

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Wow, that’s crazy, thank you! I’m in NY, too, though more to the south end.

So much for the asshole and his lines of “i just had a beer and walked around”. Walked right into the back room, i bet! He used to say he hates strip clubs because it’s a waste of $$, just staring at tits and ass, getting excited and no release. He’s utilized massage parlors historically, before we met, he said so himself. What a fucking douchebag. If his travelbags could talk!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  mg

Hello fellow New Yorker. 🙂 I didn’t even know they had massage parlors. As one of my friends kindly said to me, “You are so sweet and naïve.” Something like that. She said it in a very kind way and that’s the way I took it. I’m naïve and too trusting. But not anymore! Anyway, I know I keep repeating about the strippers in my posts. I just keep thinking it’ll help another chump and now I know it has! That makes me feel good. 🙂 Knowledge is power! It’s good to know the truth about the strip clubs in Canada. I bet a lot of women don’t know what they are all about.

Oh, mg. We are trying to get a meet-up with some NY chumps in our area. Check-out the forum for details.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  mg

LOL, Mg–I got the same “we now need to look toward the future instead of the past” as he was trying to convince me to “get over it” 2 months after D-day. What’s funny is I had filed that morning, and that was the letter designed to win me back? They are seriously fucking delusional.

Newme
Newme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

What is with the “get over it” statement they always use. That happened in the past get over it. Really my dad died 10 years ago, I need to get over that and forget about it. really?

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yeah, meanwhile the only thing the future holds is more lying and cheating. But only *they* know that. Chumpetychumps like us believe this, which i think is called future-faking. All is well now, we’re moving forward, etc…meanwhile it’s just us trying to trust and they’re up to dastardly deeds on the down low.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago

When I asked for the password to my X’s secret accounts, he would just tell them to me. I asked him to write them down, never would do that. I asked him to move out. He refused after giving his word to me and the MC. When I caught him in more lies, he argued about what a lie really was.

Then he started in on my, telling me multiple times I need to give him 100%, like I had failed, and of course he was setting me up to fail again. All he would have to say next time was “you didn’t give me 100%.” Like the last DDay he said “I told you to be nicer to me.”

I did get the tears and two years after our divorce and over 5 years after DDay number 3 (that I know of) he still texts me now and then to tell me I need to forgive him, “it’s for you” he writes. No, I am okay and have moved on. He is the one that still has the problem.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

What’s up with these cheaters with the 100%?! I got that too, but he said to me, “I want to be with someone who trusts me 100%.” He lied to me constantly for 25 years. Saw women behind my back, but still thought he deserved 100% trust! I now know it’s just words he said to me to justify his behavior! He was lying and seeing women behind my back because of my “trust issues.” lol. what a joke!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

In their delusional minds, they think they are right and entitled. They have no idea of the destruction they cause. I was supposed to trust mine again too, after 20 years of lying and cheating.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

I’m thankful I’ll never understand their delusional minds. After talking with him — the confusion in my mind!!! My ex never said I should trust him again. He only said he “wanted to be with someone who trusted him 100%” But I couldn’t give him what he wanted, “100% trust”. The only thing I trust is that he sucks.

mg
mg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Chumped, mine came at me with the 100% smokescreen multiple times. Last was over a year ago when for the zillionth time our situation broke up (caused by his prolonged obsession with someone he only met once but stalked through social media). After his silent treatment of a weeks time, he wanted to start up again and i literally begged him to just leave me alone, please, I’m dieing here from pain. He said nope, we’re now both all in! He’s on board 110%. Guess how long that lasted…as soon as i was broken down, que messages behind my back to object of affection, plus others, plus continued porn obsession, straight to the point of hooking up with his ex.
Guess he’s just not good at calculating percentages…

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Sorry not sorry. None of them are sorry just sorry excuses for human beings. Effin pods.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
7 years ago

As the suffragettes would say, DEEDS NOT WORDS y’all. Deeds, not words.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

That’s wonderful, Chump-tastic!

Manchunp
Manchunp
7 years ago

A cheat will always be a cheat . And that’s the hardest statement to swallow, for any cheat . Mine lost her shit every time, I reminded her to the fact. In the end I didn’t have to, bye bye cheater. Meh

JC
JC
7 years ago

I liked this post when I first read it. But this one isn’t applicable to me.

My wife didn’t apologize for cheating until 6 months into divorce, which I initiated. And even that “apology” was for the “way she treated me,” not for specifically fucking another man and lying about it repeatedly…and (of course) she blamed all her shitty behavior on some yoga “awakening.”

So, I’m still waiting on that apology…and by “waiting,” I mean it’s something I see happening someday, in the far off future, around the same time a woman walks on Neptune.

Margo
Margo
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

I never got an apology either. Never in 15 years of marriage did he ever apologize for anything. He’s a Narc. They don’t apologize. I was a cape wearing chump who apologized for everything my fault or not. The first year out he left me flowers and a card in my car on our anniversary telling me that our wedding day was the happiest day of his life. But no apology. The card and the flowers went right to the trash. Six years later the divorce is finally finished. I’m no longer the apologetic chump and I am very close to meh.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Margo

Oh, they apologize. They just don’t mean it.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

The yoga awakening BS remains one of the most ridiculous things I’ve heard in my life. On the plus side, my ex is enough of a skeptic that he probably thinks she’s a wing nut for saying that, too. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve wanted to say something and laugh out loud at him about that.

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

It’s even more ridiculous because it appears she kept on “awakening” right through our divorce and your marriage.

That must be a very strong, focused “awakening”…given it requires banging one specific person who was someone else’s fiancé–>husband.

Uh oh…I think I feel an “awakening” coming in right now…for lunch of a leftover meatball sandwich. The desire is overpowering! I’m helpless!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

#MarinaraAwakening

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Hahahahaha!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

I had a yoga awakening. Oddly, it didn’t turn me into a sociopathic asshole. Hm. 😉

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Funny that. 🙂

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Hahahahha!!!

ANR
ANR
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Same here. Closest I got to an apology was “I’m sorry you feel so bad.”

rett
rett
7 years ago
Reply to  ANR

yes!

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  ANR

Let me finish her apology to you: ” …..because I DON’T!!!” Nothing like a good, old NON apology to twist the knife in your back.

Glad she’S no longer your partner and you are on your way to a much much happier life.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
7 years ago
Reply to  ANR

OMG! I got that too, in fact the MC told my X to tell me that idiotic response whenever I complained about his lying and cheating. Like it was supposed to make me feel better, but not put blame on him. UGH!

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
7 years ago

I got the “sorry you have been hurt” comment too. He was never sorry about cheating. He wanted to “stay friends” so he could tell people he’s a great guy and his wife doesn’t blame him for the marriage ending. Well, we aren’t friends and in the first year of separation, I told everyone that he was a serial cheater. I am amazed at how these cheaters are all so similar. I am glad he didn’t try to get back with me, but also was hurt that 33 years of marriage meant nothing. Now truly don’t care. But I cared deeply for a long time

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

My ex said ‘I’m sorry’ (during a hoovering attempt, of course). I asked what for? His answer;
‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us.’

Once I started really listening to him, things became so much clearer.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

The “sorry’s” I got were still placing the blame on me. I’m sorry I didn’t realize women your age went through physical changes, I should have been patient. I wasn’t going through anything. I’m sorry I didn’t realize sooner you had stopped loving me causing me to cheat, I should have been patient with you. I didn’t stop loving him till Dday. A lot of BS along those lines.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Women our age go through changes. Men your bloody age go through changes too. Do they actually think they still look like they did when they were 25? Take off the beer goggles and take a looong hard look in the mirror, and see if you can still find your dick under your big belly, mate. Takes more bending over than they can manage at that stage. Only a young whore on her knees could still find it.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

???

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  newdaydawning

Yep. Adding the word “sorry” doesn’t make it an apology.

‘OK, Cheater, I’m sorry you have to deal with the consequences of your shitty actions. Enjoy that “apology”, Son’.

😉

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

“When you get waterworks from a cheater, it’s usually because you busted them and they fear exposure. The tears are for themselves. They are tears of fear and manipulation, because shit, they need a backup plan.”

This sums it up perfectly. My wife isn’t sorry for the affair, for me, for our kids, for destroying our family, or for making a mockery of our marriage in front of our friends and families. No, because for a long time, she was planning on divorcing me and running off with her AP. We were all just viewed as acceptable collateral damage to her.

No, she’s sorry she got caught. She’s sorry her AP won’t leave his wife for her (turns out he didn’t care for her as much as she thought he did – surprise). She’s sorry the safety net (me) is leaving. And she’s sorry that I now know that she was lying to me on a near daily basis for several years (at some level, I think she still cares about what I think of her).

I know this because there’s never been any sign of empathy or remorse, which should never be confused with regret. And again, I don’t think she regrets the A, so much as she regrets that I found out. That’s the only thing she’s sorry for.

jadedmuse
jadedmuse
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Filed today. Btw, my Mistake emailed AP apologizing to HER because I’d advised him (or to use his words, “accused” him) that he’d destroyed not one but two families. Apologized to HER.

Meanwhile all I can think is, how did I not clearly state the “plural” you – as in, you, Fuckwit, and Whorseface. Both of you.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  jadedmuse

JM

Hooray for you! Now that you have filed keep the contact through your lawyer. Do not correspond with either of them. The OW in his case harassed me for over a year.

They love triangulation to make you look crazy. They called the police on me many times with false accusations. It came to an end even she ran me off the road and I filed a police report.

There are others here who have been falsely accused. Let the consequences be in getting a settlement in your favor. You rock!

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  jadedmuse

Congrats on filing!
You are a step closer to being free of that douchebag!

Jadedmuse
Jadedmuse
7 years ago

Thanks! I’m filled with dread anyways…we continue to live under same roof (he’s just not decent enough to move out and filing I’m sure won’t change that) but when he sees that I’ve listed our home as marital but the apartment building (that he bought in 1999 and has always prioritized over me and his marriage) as Separate/Wife, he is going to FLIP. I’m not scared he’ll be violent (he’s passive-manipulative, not violent in a physical sense) – but I’m fearful all the same. He will be outraged, maybe demand explanations, become uncooperative when we hopefully go to settle….list goes on as I try to prepare myself for his reaction which I can almost understand. That building is his baby and he put a lot of sweat equity into it. It rents four units and provides a nice little extra for us. Or him (since I think he’s been hiding some of the deposits…making it harder to track. He’s got to have been paying for Schmoopie SOMEHOW, no??! Although when pressed to acknowledge, I’ve gotten an irritable “Not that much!” And of course, cash basis only so no paper trail. And when I did pull emails showing hotel and airline stuff, he claimed she “paid him back”. I can’t think he really believes I’m buying his bullshit – and I guess I’m only now realizing thanks in large part to CL and CN (you guys are absolutely inspiring and amazing, and great sources of comfort and sanity check points), that he – and the rest of this sick club of assholes – they just don’t give a damn. At any rate, Mistake spends LOTS of time (all summer in fact – though he denies) at the building doing repairs etc (or boning Whorseface while my 11 year old daughter and I were told he was at the building – or playing on his Old Man Baseball team (but could never be bothered to teach our kid how to ride a fucking bicycle – a standard dad-kid rite of passage)…and if I can be permitted here to timeline us back 6 years to Florida where I met him at our workplace and we subsequently married 2 years later after living together for as long and co-owning a home – yeah, I don’t recall the building needing repairs EVERY weekend back then…); well, we fell on hard times, both lost jobs, I got pregnant (we were trying, so this was good news), building kept us afloat so it was a lifeline – but before our daughter was born we were to write up our Wills. Turns out he did his, never once consulting me – and left me COMPLETELY out! His mom, sisters, cousins – even friend….all in there. Me? Not in there. I was devastated. Oh, he “fixed” it and changed it though we never officially filed our Wills and oh yeah he didn’t know I’d be hurt and didn’t mean to hurt and bla bla bla words bla bla words bla….(this, after he refused to tell anyone including and most importantly his FAMILY, that we’d even gotten married! Yeah. He kept THAT a secret for about 10 months. I was 6 months preform by the time he told his mother…finally…42 fucking year old, never-been-married-man-baby); at any rate after hard times with job loss and a surgery here and there, things were getting tough. He told me he was trying to find work in Florida but turns out he’d gone behind my back and interviewed for a job in St. Louis ( his home town and place where his family and extendeds live. I have no connection to Missouri and in fact, disliked the little he’d ever bothered to show me on the 2 occasions in 10 years that he ever bothered himself to ask me to join him on one of his every 2-3 month visits back to the Mother Ship (and building). So St. Louis was OFF THE TABLE – yet the lying fucker landed a job here, no doubt part of the strategy – so up here we moved. But prior to and as a contingency point for my agreeing to move here, I said I wanted my name put on that building. I wanted to be co-owner on the deed. Long story a bit shorter, it took my nagging for nearly 10 more months POST move here, for him to fulfill his promise to put my name on that building. But, he’s a cheap mother fucker and didn’t want to go through the hassle and expense of re-doing all the paperwork, so we paid $75 and he Quitclaimed it to me. Which makes ME the owner of that building NOW (well, since 2012). And that’s EXACTLY how I have it listed. Which will flip him OUT.

And admittedly, I’m scared. He is a mean stonewaller by nature but I’m sure he’ll go ballistic on this. He’d already said that if we end up divorcing, we should “do it ourselves, no attorneys…

But, I have an attorney (unbeknownst to him) and that fucking building is rolling up under MY non-marital. I don’t know if it will hold up – but I’m hoping st least from a negotiating stand point, maybe I’ll have an advantage here. I could use the fucking break. He will have his kick ass stable and decent salaried job all with paid vacation and health – and new life with Whorseface – I get….anxiety over financial situation, loss of health coverage (I work a non profit job with no medical), and losing my kid 50% of the time or thereabouts. Plus I look like crap and will be 54 in March thus already “invisible” to men NOT that I’m even interested in that right now….just thinking ahead….to the unfair dichotomy that rewards him and punishes me.

It better get better. I better get better.

Thanks for indulging my compulsive need to vent, rant and repeat.

Much love.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Jadedmuse

JadedMuse–the story of his behavior in your marriage is 50 shades of fucked-up. I’m glad you’re exiting, but be careful.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Exactly how i feel blindside, asswipe not sorry for destruction sorry he got caught. I escaped his life, he didnt. Fucker.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar Marie, I love that, “I escaped his life, he didn’t.”

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Yes, we escaped, they didn’t.

And what exactly lies ahead for a person who abandons a loving spouse and family? These aren’t confused individuals. Every action is deliberate. They want to extract sympathy from us by way of USING all those qualities we possessed.

was just another chump
was just another chump
7 years ago

“I’m sorry you feel you wasted 20 years of your life. I’m sorry you got upset.” The only apology I ever heard from x. Douchebag only admitted to the infidelity when I offered to email him the divorce papers at atlantlic.gent@hotmail.com , his Ashley Madison contact email. Everything he was sorry about was as CL put it…not sorry for what cheater did only sorry the chump over reacted. These self absorbed idiots actually want people to pity them for having to go outside the marriage to get their needs met; authentic empathetic human beings end the “bad” marriage first. They don’t keep leeching from the “bad” but still faithful, income earning, facade bolstering spouse for literally decades.
I let my children know about the crap he pulled because stopping the abuse means you have to expose it. How better to show my children that this behaviour is not acceptable than to actually let it see the light of day. The moment x knew that everybody knew about his secret AFF, AM, gambling and porn accounts he stopped the “we drifted apart drivel” and ceased any attempt to blame me for our marriage breaking up.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

and please tell me that the “atlantlic” is a typo in his AM email, or I may die laughing that a cheater put “lic” in their profile.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago

You are lucky in that.
Usually they go to “she’s saying that because she’s vindictive and bitter….none of its true.”
Truth being just the crazy ranting of a bitter ex is their go to excuse to save their image.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

” These self absorbed idiots actually want people to pity them for having to go outside the marriage to get their needs met;..”

Very insightful, WJAC.

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

I got “I’m sorry but I don’t know how to stop.” And, “I’m sorry for doing this to you,” right before going away for the weekend with the OM directly from counseling. She totally went right back to doing what she was “sorry” for. I also got, “do people who kill themselves go to hell?” At which point I should have called the cops on her. She would have gotten the help she needed or never pull that shit again.

I use to think she was ignoring her conscience as she felt awful but went on with it anyway. Now I know she didn’t have a conscience, which in a way is better than the former.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

It is better for you as well. Once we accept that this is really who they are and not just some mistakes they are making, we can finally break free.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I should add…truly sucks for our kids though.

Quicksilver
Quicksilver
7 years ago

One mistake I made when Biohazard apologized was telling him what I expected him to do to make things better. I should have ASKED him what he was going to do. I think it would have shown just how sorry he wasn’t. Regardless, he didn’t do any of the things he promised in any kind of sincere manner. He just made enough of a show to claim that he did.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Quicksilver

Quicksilver, after DDay #1, that’s what I did too, and that’s what he did.

But after DDay #2 and my kicking him out, when he asked to ‘talk about what would have to happen for us to get back together? I said ‘I don’t think you’d do what it would take for us to get back together’. Figured he might say ‘I’ll do ANYTHING!’ and I could then ASK what he would do.

But no, his response was ‘you think this is all my fault!!’. Uh, yeah, actually, it is …. (Didn’t say that, though, despite being in a public place. He’s a scary guy.)

strong and real
strong and real
7 years ago
Reply to  Quicksilver

hee hee Biohazard gave me a smile this morning! Good term, thanks. I feel the same way as you Quicksilver: “just enough of a show”.

mickeyblueeyes
mickeyblueeyes
7 years ago

The part about judging the cheaters by their actions is great advice though, watch what they do not what they say.

At a recent meeting with my Lawyer he read out a from YoYo Knickers, where she said she will not be paying any court fees or mediation due to her financial situation.

She is currently on a beach near somewhere near the equator!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Are you able to move forward with hearings? No show goes into default. Just a suggestion.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Also “up and down like a whore’s drawers”

?

Attie
Attie
7 years ago
Reply to  mickeyblueeyes

Mickey – love that “YoYo Knickers” – as in “up and down like a bride’s nightie”! Gave me a good laugh. Thanks.

Manchump
Manchump
7 years ago

These cheaters are all the same , they have no soul, they never stop fucking shit up , and blaming other people for their actions. Mine still try’s to lay blame on me , I’m like sorry , I gave you the best years of my life and 3 wonderful kids , I would have flown to mars and back for you , and how did you thank me, by running of with the butcher. Well you can have that, you can fucking live with that shit now. You made your bed , so lay down , good night . Happy Australia Day 🙂

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

Hug to you. Ug to her.

Morse
Morse
7 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Absolutely! Karma buses are consequences…. and they’ll come thick and fast now.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Manchump

Hell yes!!

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago

I think there are two other reasons we Chumps want to reconcile and until we let go it’s harder to reach Meh. We want our Cheater to come back and confirm their love for us. Because we loved our Cheater with all of our heart. We want to think this was just a horrible mistake. We can’t deal that we wasted all of our love on someone so heinous. I know I wanted him back so badly because I couldn’t mentally process how the person I loved and whom always declared his love for me and continued to professed his love during his affairs could throw me away in such a cruel way. It’s so heartbreaking to realize the depths of our Chump love was not reciprocal.

The other reason we try to reconcile is that betrayal is so physically and mentally painful. It is the hardest thing I’ve had to endure and 7 months post D-day it still hurts every day. So reconciliation is an attempt to put a band aid on a gushing wound. And the process to leave the Cheater sucks too, there is no comfort or relief in it so we fall back to hoping we can reconcile and stop all the pain. Leaving a Cheater is like chemo, it’s horrid, it’s unjust, it tries to break you but you have no choice, you have to do it if you want a chance to live a healthy life one day.

I think we Chumps need a sponsor like AA to talk us out of reconciling and going back to the abuse. So if your thinking of it, please don’t. Get yourself a chip or marker to at each milestone, 1 week NC, 1 month Clean of the Cheater, etc. Remind yourself how far you’ve gotten. Keep on the right path no matter how hard it is.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

ChumptoChamp
This is all so true.

Also I think about how I would feel in his position. Ok, forget the part where none of us would have lied like this in the first place – I think about if I had done such a thing how would I be acting and behaving? For one thing the shame would be unbearable. I would want to hide away and not look anyone in the eye. I would not be able to face the person I had done this too I would just run away to be honest. With my kids I would be so ashamed. I would not know how to make it up to them. I probably would leave and get therapy for myself not to go back because how could you ever look someone in the eye again who you have watched implode because of what you chose to do? I feel like I would just give up on life.
The fact that he feels nothing even close to this makes me realise that not only is his ability to cheat and lie impossible to fathom, so is how he manages to function, be cheerful and act like nothing has happened now.
We truly are differently wired.
I also wonder if there is some difference between those who ghost – is this shame on some level? and those who stay and just continue to lie to our faces – no shame whatsoever?
I wonder if mine just has no ability to feel shame at all but really who cares. Damage done.
I will never understand this.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Sometimes Cap, I wonder if once someone had done something so terrible, they have crossed a boundary and they are changed. They become more and more capable of terrible behaviour, the normal inhibitions have been breached and it’s a downward spiral towards more and more degenerate behaviour and it becomes easier and easier, they no longer can feel shame.
Like I have heard it happens with war time atrocities. If you cross that boundary, and you also become surrounded by others who have crossed it, you become capable of anything. If what if a chump did cross that boundary too. Would we change and become like them? Like being bitten by a zombie, you become a zombie too.
The traitor said proudly in MC that he had crossed the Rubicon and there was no going back. Cold as ice.

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Kiwi mine told me hours after I found out that he ‘made out’ with a co-worker on a business trip that he didn’t know if he could ‘keep the genie in the bottle.’ I was floored. He was SO proud of himself. He wanted me to beg for him to pick me, which I sadly did for awhile.
I have moments where I want to think they are the victim of circumstance, the slippery slope etc., but they have a choice, to hurt or protect the person they claim to love and/or be married to, and they choose over and over again to hurt. It’s such crazy anti-social, destructive behavior but they know what they are doing is wrong otherwise they wouldn’t hid it. They know exactly what they are doing and they don’t care who they hurt, they hurt even their own children. They are subhuman.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Or rather, he wouldn’t keep his “genie” in his pants. Don’t rub that lamp…

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Ha!!!!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Kiwi
That’s just awful. To not just realise what you have done but to be proud of it too. Ewww.
I do wonder the same about when they cross that boundary. I think once mine had his first taste of the first affair he just got better and better at it and there was a speeding up of the whole process. And he became better at choosing too. First two he didn’t much like after a while (too needy) he said (wtf) but with third he hit the jackpot as he really enjoyed her in that he felt she was his social equal. It would have run and run (he liked to have them all a bit on the go as he moved between countries) if I had not found out and cut it short. If he ever did feel shame it must have been no match for his ‘wants’.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Cap, I also think they populate their world with yes men and women. Then they edit the truth, their version of truth which their entourage takes as gospel and thus cheers cheater and schmoopie on to deeper depths of cruelty, entitlement and degradation. Using cheater ex as an example, I’m pretty sure they all live in their own little world which bears only a passing resemblance to reality. They wind up totally believing their own bullshit.

Cheater ex’s bullshit meant that he never believed he should apologize for anything he did. He was just that entitled. As his narrative got more and more out there, he began to believe all the lies he spun, especially about me. Let me tell you, he told some whoppers. In his mind he had me painted as human garbage, and as far as he was concerned I was so far down the scale that I should be grateful for anything he decided to dish out. Sadly, lots of people believed him, and shunned me. For the longest time, I had no idea why. After he stood revealed as the evilness that he was, suddenly these people came out of the woodwork. Ahh, nope! Not interested, move along now! I’ve got your number! I was much more polite back then. Today I would have just told them to fuck off.

Make no mistake about it, with these cheater creeps, the only thing that matters to them, is them, period. Everything else is just a nuisance, sort of like dog poo one has to scrape off their shoe.

The cheater can be so convincing because they have bought their own lies, hook, line and sinker. In their decayed little minds, WE are the ones causing problems because we threaten THEIR twisted and sick version of reality. No wonder we wind up questioning our own reality! No wonder WE are painted as the crazy one!

How do we recover from this? ………..Run like our hair is on fire!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“Ghosting” might be just a narcissist’s “discard” by another name. True remorse means making amends. Even if cheaters are terrible ashamed, it’s a selfish act to just walk away from both the bad action and the family responsibilities and leave the people they hurt to put the pieces back alone or pick up their 1/2 of the work too and carry on.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Loved
I know you are right. I just wondered if they felt a speck of shame and even if they did they certainly do not feel remorse nor will they make amends. Because again it’s a character thing. If you do feel shame as a normal person then you act to redress the act that caused you the same. These fuckwits never do.
I was just wondering if some felt anything at all that was vaguely human but did not mean to imply that they would do anything normal with it.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

If they feel ashamed they are angry at you for making them ashamed. And the shame is transient.

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago