Tell Me How You’re Mighty 2024 edition
It’s been awhile since we’ve done a “Tell me how you’re mighty” Friday Challenge. (Not to be confused with the Tell Me How You’re Mighty podcast Sarah and I do.) For any newbies, the mighty check in is where Chump Nation reports how they’re doing on that leave a cheater, gain a life project.
All effort counts
You might be stuck with a FW, lining up your ducks. Ducks count! Or you might be two weeks from the discovery of your partner’s double life and you’re eating solid food again. Points! Or you might be the three jobs and scholarship to Harvard meme above. Every new life effort matters.
People often ask me if I don’t get totally depressed reading and writing about infidelity every day. How is it to have heartbreak with your cornflakes every morning? I don’t see it like that. Because for 12 straight years I’ve been cataloguing all the incredible ways people bounce back from this shit. FOR THE BETTER.
Who doesn’t love an underdog and a comeback story?
I’m here for the trajectory. I love your triumphs. Nothing makes me happier than getting a letter from a former chump who wants to share their good news with me, years out. The new job, the happier kids, the better sex they’re having, the house with the walls that sing.
Is there a better elixir for heartbreak than that? To see, in people’s LIVED EXPERIENCE, how losing a fuckwit is addition by subtraction? The pain is finite, but your potential is infinite.
And that’s really the chump experience. We put so much stock in FWs, it’s amazing what happens when you redirect that energy to yourself. Instead of investing in some buffoon’s potential (I see a unicorn!), you invest in your own.
What’s mighty with Chump Lady
It’s been a weird few months ever since Parul Sehgal called me out in the New Yorker for being a subversive “cartoonist.” (If you missed that controversy, apparently I put crazy ideas inside author Sarah Manguso’s head that her marriage to a serial cheating drunk was abusive. All that with crude drawings!)
But dragging me has had the unintended effect of amplifying me. The recent podcast I did with British actress Nell Hudson was because she read that New Yorker review. After an 8-year relationship with a man with a double life, Nell’s D-day was her anniversary. Her cheating boyfriend gaslit her that the STD he gave her, she brought on herself because of an eating disorder. He fucked someone in their bed while she was out of town nursing her mom through chemo.
No one ever told her that was abuse.
In all the therapy to get over it, no one “put it that simply.” But she read Sehgal mocking me in the New Yorker and felt seen. She sought me out so she could share her story and let other people feel seen.
That New Yorker article (and the pile on by New York Magazine) resulted in a profile in the New York Times. And then the other day, Dan Savage wrote to ask me to be on his podcast. Which is kind of wild when you consider that I’ve snarked about his monogamish views.
I don’t have a publicist. I don’t have a wikipedia page. I’m a middle-aged woman with a blog and ink drawings.
You just never know what will happen next, or how your story is going to turn out. Sometimes the worst things are the catalysts for the best things.
Tell me how you’re mighty, CN.
TGIF!
I’ll start
D day was 2018. Since then, I have
–maintained my role as the “sane” parent to my sweet daughters
–bought and renovated a house
–flourished professionally, with multiple promotions and publications
–doubled my income
Also, I remarried last summer. My daughters walked me down the aisle. Back in 2018, I would have never believed I would be standing here today in such good shape.
Truly– my life is BETTER without my fuckwit. This blog is a testament to our mightiness (and my incredible village!).
🙌 💪
How wonderful for you – you ARE MIGHTY !!
For those of you who remember her, Tango the tattle tale parrot is doing very well! I wound up in a very contentious narc divorce, left with huge bills and scraps to my name.
Bought a 1925 fixer upper, 7 years later, it is fixed up! From wiring, to ductwork, to plaster, gutting a kitchen to removing and building 20’ x 2’ deck (my covid project). Very satisfying to find internet tutorials and hard work pay off.
I have also found I’m an ace at locating things on FB Marketplace for pennies on the dollar. My house is filled with historic, renovated things and a few brand new.
My “white whale” was located last week. I bought a 4 is year old PRISTINE $7,420 Chateau d’Ax Grey Italian leather sofa set. A Chump friend helped me move it in for fweeeeeeee! Ohhhh yeah, I got it 96% off.
It completes the entire area in perfection!
Seeing the entire house come together from a wreck to where it is now is a mighty good feeling.
Hehehehe. The deck is 20′ x 20′. 20′ x 2′ would have been cheaper, though.
Re: Tango story;
I got more answers and truth from an animal than I ever got from my cheater.
Enough said, except… “:Are you READY kids?? Oo0000HHhhhHHHHHHhh, WwwHhhHHooo000000OOOOO0000 LiVeS iN a PiNEapPle UnDer tHe sEA!?????????” >sing with me<
Magneto, you’re singing the song of my people! I bought a 1930 Tudor Revival at auction in 2019 and have been on a parallel journey, down to the deck.
Is your house on Insta or other socials?
The parrot story lives in infamy!!
Your parrot story is legend.
Is it possible to post links to stories that are mentioned here in the comments section?
We cant repost every story on here over and over but I think the parrot story needs to be told again in its entirety.
Yes please I don’t know the story either!
I don’t either!
Chumpalicious! So sorry I picked ChumpOlicious. Didnt know. Think Ill change my name to Chumpo!
Thank you to CL for being the lone voice changing the narrative on cheating. Goes to show you the tide is changing because you are starting to be noticed and picked up in mainstream media. I just think its alot harder nowadays with computers, internet, social platforms to keep cheating hidden. People are also more aware of disordered people, mental health issues, and less likely to put up with bad behaviors.
D-Day was in 2015 and divorce (clean break and I got custody of our 3 kids) was finalised in 2017. Lots of water under the bridge since then, but in the last year I have:
I would say that I’m a long way towards “Meh” and it feels like Tuesday most of the time. I’m still very much single and not dating, but I’m very much OK with that. If the right person comes along then great, but if not, then also great.
LFTT
LFTT I too am not quite at meh, but I just found this place from The New Yorker, too and it is helping me so much! I am, like you, content with being single but only sadly after reliving abusive relationships for some time after I finally got rid of my abusive husband of 20 years (30 years of friendship/dating) in 2015, divorced in 2017. Even though I was a mess for some time, I am 3 years free of that! At my worst, I was still there for my 2 sons, one a Neuorscientist, the other a successful writer. That is golden, to have their love and be their rock. Since dating was such a disaster for me for 6 years, these 3 years of getting to be free of bad men and learn to love myself and take care of myself have been key to contentment. I am content, and if there is a great man out there who I meet, it will happen, but my time is so precious and so am I, and I am not actively looking either. We are free from abuse! And we are taking care of ourselves! It’s amazing!
LFFT, like Fern I have followed your comments with interest and with great admiration for the ways in which you show up for your kids and for life. Loved reading this update.
Leedy,
Thank you.
LFTT
LFTT, I love hearing your updates and the successes you’ve had along the way. Your FW reminds me a lot of mine and I’ve followed your story and comments for a long time. You reveal yourself as a common sense sort of person with your priorities in order and your actions aligned with them. It took years and years before I was ready to let someone in; I was totally focused on doing right by my kids but, eventually, I realized it was time for me to decide what I wanted in my future. I wanted them to know I was ok on my own. I was surprised to find I was ready, if not for marriage, for trying out dating. And, wouldn’t you know, a new neighbor had a friend she thought I would like. I said no and that’s another story (he was a parent on my daughter’s sports team) but we just celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary and have been together for a decade before that. I am not saying that marriage is the answer, but I am saying there is life out there when you are ready. Honor yourself with what you want but don’t be afraid. I do not regret that I prioritized my children for all those years, in fact, I am proud of it and you should be too. Recovering from these FWs is a long process and the scars are deep.
Fern,
You are too kind and I’m really glad that you have found someone. Perhaps I will too at some point, but it’s not something that I plan to rush …. I am very much of the view that if it happens, then it happens.
LFTT
I got that Master’s Degree, as you all know, alongside FW. After we graduated, we both got promoted, which means I’m his boss now. I also went immediately back to school for an Ed. Specialist certificate, so I’m making the big bucks (well, as big as those bucks get in the education world anyway). 42 graduate credits in 2 years, yall. It almost killed me, and my kid was such a trooper through all of it.
He is just shy of his 6th birthday now, and we have been treating ourselves to all the fun times we missed while I was grinding and making a better world for us. I also just bought my very first house– a 130 year old gorgeous being with a haunted stone basement, big bay windows, and stained glass transoms. It’s a project, but it’s the right kind of project, and it’s nice to finally be settling into a home and a new life.
Mwahahaha at you being his boss 😂😂😂
Oh, I remember when you found out he signed up for the course too! I’m so glad it worked out so well for you! That’s fantastic and the house sounds amazing! Congrats!
A few people are talking about homes here — renovations, purchases, etc. I also renovated my house on my way to meh, BUT wherever you live, it’s the LIVING part of it that is important.
In other words, I think that the attention to living space corresponds with the peace and freedom that comes with being FW-free. Whether we get a tiny plant or a big deck or whatever, we are instinctively surrounding ourselves with LIFE, the kind of life that brings us peace and lets us express who we are. 🌺
This is so true!
For me, I just like a good project (as evidenced by my marriage– HA!) and I was already at or close to MEH before I closed, but I love that bit about surrounding ourselves with life. So important and so so so true!
I love that you’re his boss. I will never stop loving that.
Honestly? Me either 😂
He hates that I made such a big jump in my career (and my paycheck) with the same degree as he did. I also think he hates being a teacher, but that might be wishful thinking on my part.
Does he leave you alone now? I recall you saying that although you’re his boss, it’s a distance role and you don’t have to interact with him.
My home base is at a different campus than his, so he mostly has to leave me alone. He actually made a lateral move this year which means we have even less interaction. He is didn’t even try to approach me at our all-district day last week, which was a first. I’ll take it!
I am sitting on the front porch of my marital home that my FW and I built together 17 years ago, waiting for my friend to come by so we can go see my new apartment that I am moving into this weekend. I will be living completely on my own for the first time in my life (I am 57). I will miss my dogs (they are elderly and will be staying in the home with my FW when he moves back in) but I am moving FORWARD. (By the way…FW was cheating on me with his 22 year old intern when we were building this house…so good riddance to all the bad vibes it holds).
I left my family home of 32 years and moved into a 55plus apartment. Cheater kept the house for him and his on line OW. I have everything I could ever want in my solo life and more peace than I have had in 32 years of chaos and being” of use”.. and a vending machine for all he needed from me. A tic could not be fatter than he was. But that’s over now
11 months ago I was catatonic. Husband of 37 yrs announced he wanted to separate, ‘be single’, spend the last quarter of his life ‘being happy’ – wait, what?? A month later I discovered he had been seeing a woman from his cycling group, someone he’d known for 10 years and had been on many cycling holidays with. He maintained he’d only been ‘dating’ her for 2 weeks, but his timelines were sketchy/changed/then totally shut down. I was broken hearted, terrified, didn’t even know who I would be without him. I was just turning 60. My children were grown up. I was devastated. Obsessed with what he was up to with this older, dumpy woman, who was a little bit ‘thick’.
11 months later I am happier than I’ve been in a very long time. I am closer to my adult children and their partners who have been an amazing support to me. I am closer to my friends and oing things I want to do, seeing people I want to see. No longer living with someone who stonewalled me, dismissed me, devalued me and didn’t appreciate the qualities I brought to the marriage. He has told me many times that it is my traits that have brought the marriage to an end (calling him on his gaslighting, pointing out when he makes a false claim, blameshifts and doesn’t take accountability for his own choices and actions. He has sat back and left me to deals with all aspects of our divorce and financial separation. I finally got him to submit his Form E, where he maintains that he does not live with anyone and isn’t planning to live with anyone in the next 6 months – he’s lived at her house since the beginning of February. He has run down our business into massive overdraft and not paid last quarter’s VAT. I cannot wait to be free of him, but I am determined to get what I am entitled to and earned during our 37 year marriage.
I am training to become a divorce coach, with experience in areas of infidelity, baby loss, addiction, toxic relationships and domestic abuse and I can’t wait to be able to guide people through the process of break up and divorce using my experience. I will be making it clear that I am not in the reconciliation industry, but firmly about spouses leaving a cheater and gaining a life!
Chump Lady – you saved me when I didn’t want to live! Thank you so much.
I’m so glad you’re here! And I love that you’re paying it forward.
AMAZING!!!!!!
I’m quickly approach my 65th birthday and am almost 4 years FW-free after a 36 and a half year mirage. Since my divorce, I have …
-made self-care a priority!!
-strengthened my relationship with my adult daughters
-started over from scratch … took nothing with me when I walked out on DDay except my dignity and self-respect
-bought and restored a mid-century modern house complete with an Elvis room
-published several long-form, non-fiction historical narratives (one with the Smithsonian!) and have sold the movie/tv/media rights on two of them
-my first novel is under consideration at two publishing houses as I’m busy working on #2
-utilized my “semi-annual for life cash reimbursement for marital funds spent in pursuit of nefarious activities” to travel to national parks, Belize every January–which is kinda a ‘fuck you’ to the ex who proclaimed we were not “beach people”–, a Mediterranean cruise with my adult daughters, and several girls trips with my besties.
-for the last year or so enjoyed a companionable relationship with an old classmate that is healthy, whole, and full of laughter and kindness.
All in all, going NC gets all the credit. It got me to a place of peace and contentment I didn’t think possible in the early days.
Amazing accomplishments! And congrats on selling the tv/movie/media rights on two articles.
I’ve never heard of “semi-annual for life cash reimbursement for marital funds spent in pursuit of nefarious activities.” What is this?
I went after marital assets he had spent on internet hookups, prostitutes, porn, etc. Though my attorney suggested it might be tough to get, I was adamant 50% of what was spent was mine and getting it back was non-negotiable. Given he maintained a secret life the entirety of the marriage and there was no way I could document everything, I agreed that to use an average of his ‘expenses’ over the last five years. I get a wire transfer every six months for the rest of my life in that amount.
As an aside, I also made him pay all my attorney fees and related divorce expenses including paying off a car I had purchased just prior to DDay … would never have bought it had I known and without his encouragement to do so. I also went after half his pension he had me sign my rights away to under false pretenses.
Basically, I got mad as hell and took the position I held all the cards. It served me well, the judge actually remarking in all her years on the bench, she had never seen a woman so in need of a divorce and an equitable one at that. LOL!
Please repeat this info often so new readers will see it and benefit. I wish I and my attorneys had fought harder.
I wouldn’t have known to go after marital assets had I not read this blog the weekend after I left!
I LOVE THIS!!V Anger is a friend when fighting for what is yours!!!!
My story is old here (Dday was 2005) and my now happier days with Colonel Greatguy (who proposed on an exotic trip to Asia) are well documented. My kids, however suffered in our abusive household (and all 3 have mental health histories and neurodiversity) then had grief dumped on them when Cheater died.
I have been the only parent for a long time now but for now, they are all 3 in good places. 2 have bought homes and found lovely partners (at various times, we have had representation of every color stripe of the pride flag…not only am I cool with it, last surviving grandma is holding love for the whole wild crowd). The 3rd adult kid is finally finding his way through life in a manner that is sustainable and productive.
In moments when my kids have found themselves in hardship (jail, cancer, employment abuse) or a member of/close to the disenfranchised (humans of color, trans, gay) I have been called to be a mom to more than the ones I birthed and it has been an honor. I am proud of this mightiness.
BRAVO!
I’ve been at Meh for a long time. Divorced when the kids were too young to remember him living off me.
But … the younger grandchildren and their parents (my daughter and son-in-law) emigrated from England to the states and are now living 5 minutes away. Happy days!
My FW eventually found Jesus, married the church secretary. That was around 25 years ago.
After years of not seeing my ex and his wife, I now see them because of the grandkids. My daughter is aware enough to let me know when they are coming, but still there are events: Thanksgiving dinner, soccer games, concerts etc. Not many.
He began trying to have conversations with me over stuff we shared. The same college, the same masters course, the same taste in detective novels, love of certain types of movies.
At first I was surprised he was clueless that his wife could find this offensive, and it made me uneasy — a vague feeling he was invading me. I found myself once again in a mindfuckery of trying to understand WHY?
It took a bit of time, but now I have adopted a bland face, with a slightly puzzled look, and a response along the line of ‘no, I have no memory of that.’ If it’s possible I walk away and begin a conversation in another part of the room.
I feel as though I am Mighty Mouse — a small display of mightiness but with big results.
This is such a great response. He still wants to feel central and you just denied his entire existence.
I think that invading feeling is (for me) that he told me when he left that he never loved me and that he had been “dating” for half our marriage. So when he pulled the hope we can be friends spiel, I was thinking nope; you don’t get to discard me as if I ever existed then talk about old times. I cut him out of those times, so there was nothing to talk about.
“never existed”
This is a great way to handle this situation. I am not a good liar, but when it comes to protecting myself, I will pretend I don’t remember a person who has been awful to me in the past, but now wants to be “nice” to me to benefit their life/career- this has happened few times and it’s more effective and frankly less crazy making than – calling them out as a social climber or a dishonest person. I have not seen my ex yet, but I definitely would do the same as you! GOOD JOB!
My FW seems to think that we will be friendly “someday when you forgive me”. Since I am NC, I haven’t responded that I forgave him when he wasn’t even sorry. I’m not NC because I’m holding a grudge, I’m NC because of who he is as a person. That is, since I found out who he really is as a person.
I am stealing this approach towards my EX. Have a granddaughter’s birthday party tomorrow where she will be in attendance. I stay NC with her, but it is not possible at family events and she has injected herself into conversations in the past. Maybe I will change it to, ” Funny, I don’t remember you being there!”
He began trying to have conversations with me over stuff we shared.
It’s very telling that he is not choosing neutral or current subjects. He’s trying to get you to smile, to look engaged with him, and have that fond look we get when we’re happily reminiscing. He wants you to look happy WHILE you’re with him so people will think you are happy to BE with him. It could be image management–still trying to prove that he’s not a bad guy– or triangulation to get his OW-turned-spouse to pick me dance.
Your response is pure gold. a bland face, with a slightly puzzled look, and a response along the line of ‘no, I have no memory of that.’ If it’s possible I walk away
I hope its always possible to walk away. You ARE Mighty Mouse. He must feel so small after you rebuff his attempts. And he has no cause to complain, because you are polite while dismissive.
I wonder if he pulls these attempts when cameras are out or your children and grandkids are watching. I would guess that he also talks about the family to you–cute things the grandkids did, accomplishments of the parents– in hopes of eliciting the same response, all to benefit his image.
“polite while dismissive” is the guideline, what a great phrase to have in our heads.
I moved out June 2023 and filed for divorce. It was signed by the judge in July 2024, and FW is making progress in settling things. He still wants me in his orbit, all while sleeping with OW, who he moved here when I moved out.
Since I left him, I participated in Senior Olympics locally. I entered four artworks, and competed in pickleball and bags tournament. Came home with 5 medals.
I also got a medal for the 5k. Which led me to enter a few other races. I’m not a runner, but I finished all my races and enjoyed getting out there. One was a 7 mile race with several big hills. One was a 4-mile walk over a bridge. I flew to RI to see my sister and do that one.
I traveled to France on a small group women’s trip for watercolor painting. I made several new friends from all over the US and we’re planning a reunion in Maine next year. We also have monthly Zoom calls to paint and drink wine together.
I started going to a church and joined their choir. I auditioned for their bi-annual musical production and got a part. I have never done anything like this before. I was in three scenes, had to learn a song and a dance. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done, and many times I wanted to quit, but I saw it through. It was quite an accomplishment for me. The choir is traveling to Italy next year and will perform at three venues. FW doesn’t know it, but he’s been making the payments on it. 😂 The church also has a pickleball court in the basement gym. We play twice a week.
Which led me to join a local pickleball club that has a very active social life. I have attended several social events that included a day at the ballpark, volunteering at a PGA golf tournament, beers and burgers night, volunteering at a huge pickleball tournament.
I found a social group for women in my community that meets for dinner, game nights, movies, etc.
I am now quite comfortable going out for dinner by myself now.
I signed up for GLAMP, an overnight fundraising trip to benefit the girl scouts at the Girl Scouts camp. I earned badges in Archery, Kayak, Zipline, Yoga, and Wine Tasting. We raised $53k for the Girl Scouts that weekend. I enjoyed trying things I had never done before. One thing I did learn, is to bring earplugs if I go next year. Staying in a cabin with that many women made it hard to fall asleep. So many of them were snoring, after a day filled with activities, eating, and drinking.
Two ladies from my social group also came. It was fun, and I loved having the opportunity to try new things.
I felt I was stagnating in my marriage, so maybe he did me a favor, by looking up his college girlfriend and cheating on me. D-Day was nauseating, when I found out she’d been in our bed (she left him a love note) and I found all the sexts that had been exchanged for months, including while I drove him 4 hours each way, to and from Mayo Clinic for knee replacement. And all that aftercare I dealt with. Who knows how long all that had been going on behind my back? I was paralyzed with grief for several months, but as you can see, I eventually picked myself back up, and chose to rebuild my life. I didn’t choose this, I would have preferred to be married and work through our difficulties as caring partners do. But he may have done me a favor. I plan to leave next week to spend the winter in Florida. I bought a home on a golf course that has pickleball, a pool, a tiki bar, and possibly the person I was really meant to be with.
Life is full of so many possibilities, if you put yourself out there.
This is so inspiring! Thank you for sharing!
Hi, all! Long time, no Lez – because I’ve been busy gaining a life!
I (51F) married ex (49F) in 1998. D-Day 1 in 2004, didn’t even consider leaving (toddler kid). D-Day 2 in 2018, with all kinds of ooky crap in-between. I tried to see what was possible for a while, bc ex was a Timid Forest Creature, but I was getting sicker and moved out in 2020 (March 13, for those of you who remember when everything shut down).
In 2024:
– Finalized the divorce, which was probably the first sane-sex divorce in my county. Yay for progress! (Yes, it took a while, with Covid, then selling the house, and financial stuff.)
– Moved on from a job that also made me feel like a chump. Feel much more valued in this new job!
– Met my girlfriend (30F!) online in February, am now braving the shoals of a long-distance relationship. Wouldn’t recommend it, although so far, the in-person highs make up for the rest of it. While of course singledom is healthy and good, another chump once told me that everything shifted for him after he was in another relationship, even though the first one out of the gates didn’t last. I now see what he means. For a lot of chumps, I think there’s some lingering shame around hearing from our exes that we weren’t enough sexually. Not a problem for me now! 😅
-Took a bucket-list trip to Europe with my kids (22 and 13) and parents. London, Paris, eastern France, Wiesbaden, Florence, and Rome. One highlight was touring Pompeii and Herculaneum (I’m an archaeologist).
– Survived my younger kid’s bat mitzvah, which I’ve been anticipating and dreading in equal measure for years (bc of ex-family fuckwits). It was fine – helped that my gf could hold my hand.
For newbies, the Trevor-Project-like message is: It really does get better! I was ready to date again five years after D-Day 2. My kids are good, just the usual garden-variety stuff – it really was in their best interest for me to move on and heal. I feel proud to be a sane parent.
Keep doing your lifesaving work, CL and CN!!! As always, best wishes to all chumps. 💕
Yay LezChump! You’ve been missed but I’m so happy to hear about all the life-gaining adventures. Thank you for the update! {{{ }}}
Hi LezChump:
It is nice to hear your voice again, and fantastic that you and your family are so happy and doing so well!
I love this update! Thank you! And I’m glad you survived the Bat Mitzvah. I have a wedding coming up…
Thanks to you, and good to see your important work is getting more attention! Good luck with the wedding 🍀
D-Day was 2020 when he told me he was leaving me for the 20-year-old he was screwing behind my back. Totally blindsided.
Four years later, and I’m in my very own house, a couple months ahead in my mortgage payments, and I’ve been consumer debt-free for a couple of years! The Cheating Bastard loooooved him some credit card debt, but now I’ve got a small retirement account started, and I can afford health insurance!
Yesterday I had a new furnace installed, and paid for it with cash. I’m sleeping better, eating better, and I have so much less stress anymore — which I didn’t realize how stressed out I was in the twenty years we’d been married.
Heck, I even had a lover this past year, which REALLY opened my eyes to how good it can be! It didn’t work out (geography is a bitch) but it was so healing to see firsthand that yes, there are good partners out there and yes, the Cheating Bastard wasn’t one of them.
AAAAND I just started pole-dancing class! Everything hurts! But Fifty is Nifty and life is a helluva lot better than before.
“But dragging me has had the unintended effect of amplifying me. The recent podcast I did with British actress Nell Hudson was because she read that New Yorker review.”
Tracy, your moment has come, within the public consciousness. So exciting!
For some weeks, I’ve strongly felt that every mention of your work within a major venue, whether the author is devaluing you as a “cartoonist” or not, gets the word out and will end up bringing your work itself right into the mainstream. Your insights are so powerful that chumps and their allies will just grab onto the news that you exist, with ripple effects abounding.
And now, the invitation from Dan Savage. Wow!
I don’t know that much about the media landscape, but from my armchair position, this is a moment to do whatever you can to go viral. For example, a TED talk would be amazing. Relatedly, you mention that you don’t have a publicist, but you might at this point hire some young insta-savvy person like whomever the Harris campaign hired to make social media a major means of spreading the word. Or similarly, see this bit of an interview with the comedian Leann Morgan, who hired “two little boys—they were about 20–to do her social media,” after which one viral clip catapulted her into major visibility:
https://www.facebook.com/reel/1643730866470559
I think the next months are going to be a really interesting time for CL! Esther Perel and the RIC get their moment of reckoning.
Fot all the oldies…I was 69 D day, 70 divorced and now 1 year out 71. Moved to a tiny apartment loving the freedom from chaos, loving trips with my grandchildren, volleyball away tournaments, trips with good friends, cooking 🍳 what I love ❤️
no house to worry about, all left behind, the hoarders paradise,for Cheater and one of many OW, volunteering at a well run food pantry, a little job cooking for a vegan gal with dementia, church and teaching Bible to kids ..Only A+.friends that invite me to eat and i cook for them.How I filed quickly and was supported by a therapist and attorney who told me to lock the doors. I cannot imagine taking care of my XHC as he aged, knowing I was just of use to him and zero respect or care for me. I inserted my love and my caring into an empty shell..except for rage, self pity and sad sausage, the person I married was taken over by his compulsions. There was no way to find a way … and I say over and over how I thank God for my freedom today. Tracy makes me laugh so hard every morning because after 2 very sad cheater events, one at 35 with a baby and one now, I have never had so much peace. ..and she speaks the truth with humor and a hammer. The men I married were mirage only and now I’m thrilled to be solo and alive. Never ever had more peace.
One of the things I’ve done is gain a family. : ) I’m adopted and I found my birth family this year. My father lives in Vermont, and a sister and brother on my mother’s side live in New Hampshire. So last month I took a road trip from Virginia to go visit them in person. (The first long solo trip like that I’ve ever taken.) My father and I hit it off very well, and we talk every week on zoom. My sister had always wanted an older sister, and now she has one. : )
I’m twelve years out from d-day and I do have long stretches of meh. I’ve learned to love and take care of myself. When I do feel down I work on ways to gain a life. I’m so much better off now than when I was with FW. (And LACGAL helped sooooooo much with that!)
That’s amazing! I’m so glad your birth family was welcoming. Congrats!
D-day was 2020 when i found a text from his workplace AP professing her love for him. this after a dinner out with a friend (he lied about which friend, naturally). i confronted him and he started spouting weird stuff. i called the divorce lawyer the next morning and set up a phone appointment. it was covid times.
i was divorced by 2023 and have moved into my rental home with my adult kids. they’re doing well but there’s damage. next year, i will buy my own home and move into my own place, and i look forward to it. i’ve kept my own writing life rolling throughout the explosion and will finish a screenwriting certificate by December. i’ve got several projects on the go that please me. hopefully i’ll sell one.
i’m happier than i’ve been in years. i’m thankful for therapy and good friends; my life is small but mighty.
one of the best things about this experience is understanding how many narc’s were in my life, and getting rid of them. the result is a healthier life.
When I was going through my separation and divorce, I was in deep depression. Like so many people who end up with a narcissist, my whole world had revolved around FW and I’d given up so much of myself that once he was gone, I had no idea who *I* was. I couldn’t have told you my favorite color. The first day I didn’t have my son with me, I literally just sat on my bed all day because I didn’t have a clue what I liked to do with my time: what I liked to eat, read, wear, where I liked to go. Nothing.
After a few months of being utterly lost, I thought back to when I was a teenager and some books that I got out of the library repeatedly. I thought “I remember liking THOSE”, so I went on Amazon and found used copies of three books I had really enjoyed (all out of print by now): one on gardens, and two home decor books. They had lots of pictures and didn’t take too much effort. In the book “The Cottage Garden” was a plan for a little farmette, with a cottage, chickens, flowers in the front yard, a vegetable garden, and an orchard. It had always delighted me.
FW told me that I would never survive without him. That I would jump into bed with the first man who offered to take care of me. He continually tried to paint me as incompetent and helpless to the family court.
Well.
Not only did I survive without him, I am THRIVING. FW, meanwhile, is dead. It turns out that he could not survive without supply, without someone taking care of him. So when AP left and he realized that I had moved on and wasn’t about to come back to him, he took his own life. Having two women accuse him of DV didn’t help either. All his sycophant “friends” were nowhere to be found when he needed someone. And rather than take any accountability for his choices and actions, he just opted out. His suicide note blamed everyone but himself.
A few months after his death, I took the money I’d made from selling our marital home, and I bought myself a house. I had worked hard to pay off all my debts and rebuild my credit after he basically destroyed it. It was a seller’s market and my budget was small, but somehow all the pieces lined up in a remarkable way and I found a house I loved that was in my budget and the seller accepted my offer without entertaining any others. I was thrilled.
I set to work making it a home for myself and my son (who had requested “a crackling fireplace and my own bathroom”, both of which this house had).
After we’d lived there for about a year, I looked around one day and realized that I had manifested that cottage garden plan that I had loved so much. The one that gave me hope in the darkness – an adorable cottage, an orchard and a huge vegetable garden (both of which I planted), a berry patch, and a coop of chickens, flower in the front. And I started to cry. Some days I just can’t believe where I ended up.
Five years ago, I seriously considered that life might not be worth living. I was suffering from anxiety, depression, PTSD, I was seriously underweight. I cried all the time. I felt entirely alone. My son was expressing a desire to self harm and was also depressed. I thought I’d never be happy again, but I’d push through for the sake of my kid.
There came a point where I recognized that all the good things that we’d had in our married life? I DID THAT. It was because I made those things happen. And I knew I could do it again, but this time for ME and my child. AND I DID. I made the life I’d always dreamed of. And I did it by my damn self. I almost wish FW had been alive to see me get the keys to my very own home, which I pay for with no one’s help (even though the mortgage is nearly double what we paid on our marital home). I am happily single to this day, and didn’t (and don’t) need a man to take care of me. Even after 15 years together, it seems FW didn’t know me at all .
These days I find myself smiling for no reason at all. My son is bubbly and happy, he’s doing amazing in school. I have a circle of dear friends. Life is so beautiful on the other side.
This is so lovely. Good for you!
Also, sounds like the cheater was projecting all his own failures onto you, which is so typical of them.
Regarding your cottage book, it wouldn’t happen to be “The Cottage Garden” by Claus Dalby, would it? I’m thinking of buying it thanks to your story.
No, it’s by Christopher Lloyd.
Thank you so much.
What a wonderful home and life you’ve made for you and your son! I’m glad you made your dream come true.
That was very moving. I’m thrilled that you got your cottage garden dream and are doing so well.
FW said a similar thing to my kids (I saw the text… grrr) “that I would jump into bed with the first man who offered to take care of me”. Like holy shit, my ex thought I couldn’t survive on my own?! Bro sure thinks highly of himself!!!
“There came a point where I recognized that all the good things that we’d had in our married life? I DID THAT. It was because I made those things happen. And I knew I could do it again, but this time for ME and my child. AND I DID. I made the life I’d always dreamed of. And I did it by my damn self. I almost wish FW had been alive to see me get the keys to my very own home, which I pay for with no one’s help (even though the mortgage is nearly double what we paid on our marital home). I am happily single to this day, and didn’t (and don’t) need a man to take care of me. Even after 15 years together, it seems FW didn’t know me at all .” THIS. I am understanding this. I used to call myself Julie the cruise director after the Love Boat character. I too was grossly underweight. Thank you so much for sharing this. It gives me hope. I am so sorry for wht you went through, but so happy for where you are.
I had a similar revelation after he left. I was doing the majority of the heavy lifting when it came to family life. I had always done the finances and taxes and knew enough to make a lot of copies and put them into a secret safety deposit box after took off. His things were work and the house. He was so invested in that house that there were several times after we separated that he repeatedly used the phrase “my house.” I got the message.
Then when he called to say he wanted a divorce, he told me that I would never, ever make it without him, and that I should call him after we divorced whenever I had an important decision to make because I was incapable. That was when I realized that his decision to break up a marriage of several decades by phone was completely A-OK. I muted the phone and laughed uproariously!
He then told his divorce attorney that I was a complete pushover and to go after everything. Partway into the divorce mess, his attorney related that to mine, adding, “I knew your client wasn’t a pushover when she hired you as her attorney. She’s way smarter and savvy than my client let on. Let’s get this settled equitably.” WIN!
At about 10 months from Dday, every day is an accomplishment. Literally so especially early on when I was very suicidal. After being terrified of antidepressants my whole life I’m now taking two at once and…well still alive at least. Somehow despite abysmal performance at work I managed to keep my job. I moved into a crappy little apartment with no help from anyone. It’s less than half the size of our shared home but there’s nothing of her here. I walk my son to school every morning, and my daughter’s bus ride is 1/4 as long. After pushing my STBX for years to try more healthy and vegetarian food I can finally make it happen, and my kids even like it! I’ve started playing guitar again sporadically for the first time in 10 years. I’m hopeful that the divorce will be final before the year is out.
You’re doing great, especially for only ten months out. Kudos!
Tell me your secrets for feeling better!
5 years out. Ex has no contact whatsoever with me or our kids (now young teens). We have no idea where he is. And, of course, no child support.
I still feel sad and empty. I don’t love Ex any more, but I desperately miss the person I thought he was. And I miss the life I thought we had.
I’m always exhausted and broke (Ex made 3x my salary) and feel like I’m doing an inadequate job both at work and at home. Sometimes I even envy Ex, who was just able to walk away from it all.
Therapy doesn’t help. Anti depressants don’t help. Time doesn’t seem to help. What does help?
It’s impossible to heal when you’re exhausted and broke. You have suffered a great injustice, the consequences of which affect your daily life and your kids. I do think you should cut yourself some slack and recognize that you are keeping everything together against tremendous odds. You deserve praise for that.
I don’t know if it will help, but maybe you need to get to a place of radical acceptance. This is what your life is now, shitty as it is. Accept that, but do what you can to improve your situation. I hope you can find the bastard and collect the back child support. Does he have any kind of online presence? If so, I’d start there. If necessary, I’d create a fake account (using a picture of some hot girl) and chat him up, hoping to get intel on where he lives.
But you probably don’t have time for that what with the kids and work. I, otoh, do. So if you want somebody to go undercover for you, let me know.
Perdita,
For what little my opinion is worth, I suspect that you should give yourself much more credit for the things that you are achieving and focus less on where you think you are falling short. You are the “sane” parent; you are the “ever-present” parent; you are the “doing her best to keep her sh*t in one sock and her head above water” parent and (perhaps most importantly); you are the parent who your kids know has their backs. Please give yourself some credit – and take some reassurance – for the things that you are getting right.
I’d also point out that it takes a while to transition from mourning what you thought that you had and then lost to the point that you can visualise a better future for yourself and your kids. Once you can visualise it you can then slowly start to build it.
Additionally, when you are tired it is very hard to maintain the self-discipline to eat properly and to exercise; when I needed to kick myself up a gear and look after myself better, I used to remind myself that if I didn’t look after myself then I wouldn’t be in a position to look after my kids.
You are on a long, hard and frequently thankless path, but CN is your tribe and we are here for you. Remember that, even when you find yourself full of doubt, that you’ve got this.
LFTT
I feel for you, Perdita!
And I’m really sorry the antidepressants don’t help. Same here, to some extent. And I too sometimes envy my ex for having been able to walk away without the same scars I carry, though I’m glad not to have to carry the “moral scar” of having royally betrayed someone who loved and trusted me.
Sending hugs.
A structural overhaul of our entire child support system? It infuriates me that people (mostly men) can abandon children and welch out on support. Enforcement is a joke. This is one of my bully pulpits. Of course you’re exhausted. You’re raising teenagers without support. These are hard years without the added burden of chumpdom. I don’t think you miss him so much as what a supportive partner would represent and the future you THOUGHT you had.
I think you’re the mightiest, doing the exhausting sane parent work alone.
Would working on child support enforcement help with the injustice? A guy who has a salary is a guy whose salary can be docked. (So many of these FWs work under the table, or do voluntary impoverishment.)
FW stole joint and my non-marital assets for decades, then impoverished himself by loosing and refusing jobs for years. I get zero child support for a disabled child. I’m in my late 60s, and it’s grim.
FW refused to let me have the dead/dying unsightly juniper bushes removed from the front of our house. They were a terrible eyesore. First thing I did when separated was to find volunteers to cut them back. Over the next few years I had the shrubs cut to the ground, then had the stumps removed.
I scoured the online listings and neighborhood for anyone getting rid of seeds, plants, plant pots, potting soil, etc, As soon as we saw a post on craigslist for free garden plants, teen and I sped off to get them. Where there were once dead shrubs, there are now 30 to 40 pots and several growing swaths in the lawn, full of foliage and colorful flowers. They’re random, eclectic and free They’re our thanks to the neighbors who put up with the former ugliness. All spring and summer, I’m thrilled whenever I leave or return to my house. It’s wonderful to get compliments from my neighbors and from people walking by. We may not have money, but we’ve turned ugliness into beauty that will continue to spread and grow.
Whoops, didn’t mean to send this specifically to Tracy.
He quit his job when he left town and is probably living off his young, extremely wealthy, gorgeous girlfriend. I do have a child support order for a total of almost $300k (and increasing every month — he made an excellent salary, so child support is very high).
The child support enforcement agency in my state is great! They were even able to seize a $50k inheritance a few years back. But they can’t find him so they can’t enforce the order
Check out the private child support agencies. They work like debt collectors and have access to the same databases that debt collection agencies use. I don’t know why state agencies can’t operate this way. They’re legal in more than half the states, and they take a percentage of what they collect. Which is better than zero.
Let’s see, d-day was July 27, 2020. Divorce finalized September 11, 2020. I’m currently in my last year of a bachelors degree in finance and accounting. I just got a job in HR at my workplace that pays for my schooling so I get to learn things like payroll which should help with the job hunting when I graduate. I’m back in shape, in a great, healthy relationship, have made new friends, and I’m pretty content in life. I don’t make a lot but I have no debt and I’m saving to buy a house.
Meanwhile the ex just pled guilty to child luring and possession of child pornography so I think I’m winning.
I always smile when I hear your progress, Katie. You’ve inspired me a lot and I’m excited for you and what the future brings.
💪💪💪
Yes, you are winning!
Holy shit!
Yep! I don’t know the details yet but the department of justice sent me paperwork saying he pled guilty to both charges and they are destroying his phone that they seized. I guess they notified me because if I had some interest in that phone, I could appeal them destroying it.
It’s so funny to me because when I got divorced the guy at Sprint sneered in my face and told me I had no rights to do or see anything with our family plan phones (I was just trying to find out if I could separate my phone from the family plan) but the department of justice is like yeah, you have rights to this phone, even after being divorced for four years. Absolutely. I literally laughed out loud reading the paperwork. I’m sure he took some sort of deal but I love that he’s now officially recognized for what he is, a predator of children.
So happy to hear that piece of shit is facing justice.
My D-day was summer 2019 when my ex-h confessed to his affair with older married coworker. Our divorce was finalized in March 2020 right before Covid lockdown. This Halloween marks 3 years since he died of a heart attack while our kids were with him for his visitation weekend. After his death, I fixed up the marital home and sold it for a nice profit and we moved to my home state. Just after I did a major renovation to our new house, I was laid off from my remote corporate job and the very next day after I was laid off, my daughter needed emergency medical surgery which required air ambulance travel. Thankfully, she is healthy now and insurance covered much of the medical bills. My former side hustle business has become my main work and gives me the flexibility to not miss out on time with my kids. We live in the country so our neighbors while close aren’t exactly next door but the closest property to us caught on fire. I was concerned of the fire spreading because of the wind and dry conditions and made a mental checklist that night of kids, pets, phone, keys, purse in case we had to be evacuated. While I certainly didn’t want to risk losing our home to a fire, it certainly put things in perspective. The fire was contained to 1 acre of the neighbor’s property. Being a chump gives you superpowers because you already know what it is like to suffer a major loss and I feel like I’ve been able to deal with life’s hurdles ever since. My kids and me are healthy, we’re thriving and enjoy traveling – something we didn’t get to do during the marriage because their father prioritized his interests, and for a little over a year I’ve been dating a fellow chump whose former wife left him for his former best friend. So yep it’s been a rollercoaster for sure, but life is good.
My marriage had major cracks and then shattered and burned down after he retired. That was seven years ago. He made separation #2 long-distance, and more and more came out that this was not a marriage that should continue. My then-husband was living like a single man in a web of deception and game-playing. I refused to reconcile, and he gave me a horrific divorce followed by yet more mess in the closeout. It was like I was an ugly bug to be squashed because I was in his way.
I did not lay down and let him run over me. I hired a superstar attorney. I figured out how to support myself and our two college kids. I had a career coach and was very focused in my job search, but after being in the top two a dozen times, I gave up and greatly expanded a side business. That business just happened to fit with a major need during the pandemic, so I did well.
I bought a house during the month my attorney and I finally closed my legal file. I effectively closed my business and am now semi-retired, just working via contract for one long-term client. Both kids graduated debt-free and are acing adulthood. I am a leader in a local twelve-step group and do some volunteer work with struggling women.
Yes, there is hope on the other side.
I got a promotion last week – my second one since my ex left me for Schmoopie. Now I’m buying my dream sports car. My ex husband told me in a text that he was leaving me when I was completing my very last course for my Master’s (I would say it was deliberate on his part). He almost derailed that for me, but I drilled down deep & let anger fuel me to finish it. My one kid (bless his heart) says he’s going to drive my sports car over to his Dad’s & show off Mom’s new car 😂
Hi, long time reader and occasional poster. Married for 33 years; DD1 2019 an DD2 in 2020 (never stopped seeing Schmoopie).
Since my divorce was final in 2021:
-47% salary increase
-traveled to Spain, Sweden, all over the US and reconnected with family, childhood and college friends
-closer relationship with my adult daughter, and a more adult relationship with my 26 yo son
-had breast cancer in 2021 and am now free and clear
-Autoimmune disease healed
-have rediscovered my spirituality
-Will retire in 4 months and my future is wide open. So excited!
I am so much happier now 😊
Hello lovely people. D day was 2015. At the time I had a dead-end, boring job and two teenage sons. I had stayed home for 11 years to raise them while my husband traveled the world attending academic conferences and sleeping with random colleagues. My work history was spotty. I cried for 6 months straight, did scream therapy in my car while driving, and spent a year in a fetal position while I faked it til I made it. Fast-forward to now. I am a full-time professional in a field I love, making almost double what I made before. I mow my own yard, shovel my own snow, have a beautiful cat (ex was allergic to them), and more friends and fun now than I ever did while married to the cheater. My ex is still paying alimony, and will do so for another 6 years. My sons have both graduated from college and are teachers in public schools. I have a wonderful partner I met on an online dating site. Yes, it hurts to not be an intact family, or share parenting. I am grey rock except for emails about financial stuff, though he lives nearby–I have not seen him in many years! This works for me. I am happy. It takes time, but life is so much sweeter without a cheater!
You actually found somebody good from OLD? I am amazed.
I bought the first house I’ve ever owned ny myself. I also increased my salary by over 60% and now make almost triple what ex pos makes.
I live in peace with my 2 young adult sons who work and go to school without having to walk on eggshells worrying about annoying or offending his majesty. And I don’t have to listen to his nasty passive aggressive shit or deal with his playing dumb every time he was an asshole.
I also have a lovely bf that I’ve had for a number of years who’s proud I’m so accomplished, unlike my shitty toupee wearing ex who was jealous of me and thus needed ego stroking from any pathetic whore he could get it from. Funny thing was all he really had was a trashy ex who liked the attention while she was on hb #5, the rest were just stupids he ego stroked and had bad boundaries with. Nobody really wanted him or his shitty toupee.
I laugh about it now. I see him sometimes because we live in the same community and he just looks like such a loser.
Time gives so much perspective, doesn’t it? It’s hard to believe what we saw in these losers in the first place.
After 35 years of marriage to a serial cheater and being the good girl so Narcles the Porn Clown wouldn’t cheat on me or leave me which of course he did anyway in the most destructive abusive way possible, I reconnected with a guy I knew in college and he popped my divorce cherry. I go dancing to local bands every weekend and teach and perform belly dance. Not bad for a 67 year old scuggy, thanks for that term Tracy I have no idea to spell it, woman.
First DDay was in 2015, kicked him out in 2016. In the 8 years he’s been gone, I’ve more than doubled my salary, traveled internationally (something we always discussed, but was never his priority), moved into a house twice as big as the one we used to share, and most importantly been the sane parent for my 16 year old daughter. I say *my* because she really hasn’t seen FW in about a year and a half – and before that he was averaging about 12 hours a YEAR in visitation, despite the fact that he lives in the same neighborhood as us. Being the sane parent includes making sure that she’s in therapy to deal with her issues of FW’s abandonment, realizing how to use the fact that impression management is EVERYTHING to FW in order to make sure that, even if he doesn’t see her or exercise his visitation, he damn sure pays for her (early on, I used my training as a lawyer to hold wage garnishment over his head – he damn sure doesn’t want HR wondering why his wages have to be garnished for child support instead of him paying voluntarily), and supporting my child in everything she does – including getting committed to a D1 lacrosse program, which just happened two weeks ago. We don’t miss him – we go on vacations, we create memories, and I pray to God that I’m giving her solid enough footing to begin her life, because she’s just as MIGHTY as I am! Next on my list – finding a partner for myself. I want to show her what a relationship looks like when it’s done right before she leaves my nest and flies off on her own. Meanwhile, FW had a massive stroke in May of this year.
Chump lady, for your VOICE and no nonsense sense I am FOREVER AND EVER grateful 🙏. D day 2022, Divorced 2023. Solo at age 71 now for 1 year. This was my second flamed out cheater and 30 years of trust flushed away by a man who’s basement was so secret and life above ground looked ” normal” that he continues to fool pastors, church people, family and former friends. I now have PRECIOUS time with my grandchildren without coddling HIM, time with upper layer friends to eat out with , TIME for food pantry volunteering, another little job on the side, travel to volleyball tournaments and ENERGY to enjoy the me without the huge burden of a dying mirage. No old abuser to stay with as the years rolled on, to nurse a sick man who never could truly love. Or or, him leaving me in shock if i got cancer or dementia..continuing his COMPULSION as my cousin at age 78 did when his wife had dementia…having sex with all his wife’s caregivers and visiting nurses who let him, housekeepers too!!!! Nooooo not me. God in heaven gave me the exact timing to get out with the help of one wise therapist and legal support all the way. No I didn’t go to Harvard or write a book, make a movie or remarry, what did happen was Freedom to be me!! No house packed with future faking projects or chaos of devaluing, demeaning and lies. Flying solo has cured me of couple hood and I love Tracy and CN for the healing of NO CONTACT 18 month completely zero. Freedom is all I need and all I want. Peace at last!!
It took me about 8 years, but in my slow and steady pace I out-earned him by that time.
It took me and him 15 years of working in the community and politics to push him up the ladder. Guess he was more dead weight than I thought. And he didn’t get to keep his spoils. Play stupid games win stupid prized. I guess he wanted more change and excitement in his life, and by doggies he got it.
I think it is pretty damn mighty to be a subversive cartoonist who helps the suffering and saves lives.
And pretty damn cowardly and cruel for Parul, selfie queen and self-appointed social critic, to cast shade on a chump’s honest and well-written account of being betrayed as not being sufficiently nuanced. As if cheaters are nuanced! As if our FW’s high caliber weenies veer judiciously in high class horror away from partners who use bagged salads and are gauche enough to practice and expect fidelity.
I can’t think of a better word than the British slang “chuffed” to describe how I feel about the fact the New Yorker hit piece on Sarah Manguso and Tracy backfired so spectacularly that it’s only adding outspoken (and, oh God no, funny) new members to the worldwide “cheating is abuse” coalition. But I also found myself getting nervous on behalf of Nell Hudson since we’re all getting a rough idea of what a fraught “linchpin” issue this is for “da patriarchy” (or, as I like to call it, “rapey ape feudalism”) and, consequently, how nasty the backlash can be.
I think what really underlies the (suspiciously sequential) media hits by The New Yorker, New York Mag and the New York Times are probably the gale storms of controversy raging around efforts to criminalize coercive control and sharpen the legal definition of sexual consent to align it with financial consent. I have a whole spiel about all the ideological, institutional and financial agendas that might be threatened by expanding concepts of sexual and domestic abuse and sharpened definitions of same but I’ll leave that for another time and another pot of coffee. I think the key thing now is that the concept of “cheating as abuse” adds to a growing chorus regarding the above issues that’s obviously becoming more difficult to snuff with the usual media silence… which is why most people have no clue that gale storms have been raging around coercive control and sexual consent for years.
Just as a “censure-measure,” borrow Chomsky’s “column inches” method and count how few times the New York Times refers to either issue or how few times the late, great forensic researcher and domestic abuse victims’ advocate Dr. Evan Stark even gets mentioned in the “paper of record.” Considering Stark’s staggering revolutionary impact over the past fifty years– one of the original founders of the battered women’s shelter movement, lethal scientific debunker of traditional victim-blaming DV theories, coiner of coercive control and spearhead of the movement to criminalize it– the relative silence about his work is both shocking and telling at the same time. In any event, I see the attacks against Sarah Manguso and Tracy as a flutter of panic that silent treatment isn’t working anymore and there’s growing fear that all these fragmented concepts will start to converge to a more cage-rattling degree.
For example, I don’t think it’s any accident that the three pronged media diss of Liars and CL failed to mention the sizeable and growing number of men who follow and comment on the Chump Lady blog. I suspect the omission is because the not-so-new but ever-so-played-down fact that da patriarchy costs men as much as it does women (if not more when you simply factor male-on-male rates of violence and murder) is a catalyst for universalizing any issue related to gender and universalization is always when cages really get rattled. One of the better kept secrets in human history is that, to make a proper misogynist rape culture omelette, it’s always necessary to break a few men. What might be even more concerning (to defenders of the status quo) is that CL and CN have managed to do this without the usual “what abouting” compromises to basic feminism. Turns out she-cheaters tend to display a fair amount of internalized misogyny and preference for toxic masculinity in the way they cheat and who they do it to and with. Oh God no, not common ground between genders.
Back to that earlier “God no,” something else that seems to particularly get up the craw of corrupt power is when the upstarts start using humor. It’s right out of Gene Sharp’s bible of nonviolent resistance tactics that brought down Milosevic so imagine what it can do to rapey ape feudalists. Whatever triggered it, it’s always a tricky moment for any advocacy movement when standard censorship tactics are ditched, the eye of Sauron falls upon it and the ink-stained hacks are unleashed. I’m simultaneously thrilled about the momentum but also a bit scared for anyone leading the charge.
But, then again, cage rattlers are much safer going balls-out public with their advocacy and those who do it with humor often prove the most resilient. So I’ll nix the worry for the moment. CL and both Sarahs have been cheerfully kicking ass with style and I suspect Ms. Hudson is going to cut a very happy swathe in life and have a fabulous, long, career aside from contributing to very important advocacy along the way.
Two years post DDay I was in a fog of discovery, trickle truth and post separation abuse. I weighed 90 pounds. Year 3 I managed to get rid of him and buy the house in a very over heated housing market. Secured the place for my daughter to live in our lovely supportive community. Saved money. Year 3 met a lovely guy and I’ve been taking it very slowly! Changed jobs then got made redundant. Now doing my own business. Daughter is done with school and moving overseas for a gap year. I sold my house in a terrible economy in this country. Move out in a couple of months. Moving in with my partner but said I need my own room! He’s good with that and being gentle. I’m going to travel off and on for a year and see what it’s like just to be me. My partner may join in on some adventures but he knows I need time and space to discover what life is really like 5 years out from DDay and 25 years living with a double life abuser. He’s understanding and patient. I’m battling a few health issues due to the PTSD but I’m getting stronger all the time. My daughter is a lovely strong young woman and came through in tact! I did it all on my own, even when I was married. I feel cautious but mighty!
👏 Impressive!
I love the comeback stories most of all. I wish more chumps who wrote in would give us updates.
I love that what the fool said about our CL has gotten her so much press. I’d be snarkily sending her flowers.
My status- full on meh. I stick around in case I can be helpful to baby chumps and because CL continues to be both wise and hilarious. Also because most of the people who post here are wonderful.
Greatest blog I’ve ever seen.
” If you go through with this divorce you will never ever get our house.” I write this from the serenity of my home that is FW free and the extra closet space luxurious !
Just facing the facts was still the mightiest thing I have ever done. And I thought at the time it was the worst thing that could happen. Everything I thought about what was right and wrong and how the world worked was seemingly smashed to bits in an instant. I thought my life was over. Instead, without me actually doing anything else, my life just started getting better whether I wanted it to or not. I remember it was a couple of weeks after it all hit the fan I’m sitting in that empty house feeling sorry for myself because I thought I should. And I’m trying to miss her. But I can’t. My heart isn’t in it. I start imagining her there. How she’d be complaining about something, making me feel bad about something. Bossing me around. In spite of myself, I realized I was glad it was finally over. The marriage sucked and I could finally admit it and accept it didn’t have a chance not because I wasn’t cool, sexy or rich enough, but because she was never all in. And my life continued and has continued to gradually get better without any extraordinary effort on my part. Even the money. Like I was convinced it was my fault we were always broke even though she didn’t work a day after the wedding and never made a single deposit in our account and I went to work every day. Starting the moment I kicked her out, instead of falling a little (or a lot) behind every month, I was finding I was a little more ahead every month. Again not doing anything I hadn’t always done except take her name was off my checking account. Or that the house was filthy. Now, I’m not the world’s greatest housekeeper, but come to find out I couldn’t generate that kind of mess if I tried. It’s been 20 years and my life since then hasn’t been perfect, but it’s far better than I imagined it ever could be and none of those terrible things that I thought would happen if I found out my wife was fucking other people ever did. Heartbreak is a metaphor. My heart is fine. My psyche wasn’t demolished. My soul didn’t evaporate. I was fine. I am fine.
One of my cheater’s parting shots was that everything I had was because of him.
Turns out I didn’t need him to get a Ph.D. And I did this with primary custody of two small kids while working full time. The dedication in my thesis is to my kids “so that our walls may sing again.”
Ty Chump Nation!
I am mighty because I now have a NORMAL life. No lies, no pretending, and honest relationships with my adult children. I can make good decisions because I have the facts in front of me. I don’t have to try to resolve an issue with someone whose agenda is totally different AND hidden.
I wrote to CL in 2018 and was a slow moving chump. I didn’t end the long term marriage until 2 years later when I was 60 years old.
But everything CL says is true. I feel like my real life didn’t start till I read her humorous take on all the sh*t cheaters do, and I could begin to sort out my situation.
So I have a normal 50’s ranch house (wish it were a cute cottage!), a normal job, the ability to pay my bills each month, normal friendships with people I also no longer have to hide the truth from, sincere relationships with my kids, a healthy son who happens to have a disability, and the cutest most affectionate, companion dog for him. I made it through 2 major surgeries (related to HPV – ugh). And I thoroughly enjoyed my other son’s wedding last summer, despite XH attending. I liked the way that this son and his fiancée asked me if I thought they should invite his dad & I could say “it’s up to you” and they had the freedom to talk over how they would handle it. I stayed with all my kids, and grandchildren from my 3rd son, in a vacation home and only saw XH at the reception, and it was as if he were any other guest that I did not know well and had no reason to talk with. The best result was that all the kids and their wives said we should all get a rental home together for vacation every summer! (No dad included.) Thanks to CL when I told the kids 4 years ago that I was divorcing him, I also told them the brief reason (they knew already, really) and that I would not be doing holidays or vacations with him.
Maybe meh equals normal equals MIGHTY!
I have to admit I am sad for my kids that they don’t have a dad they want to spend time with, and parents who have a good relationship and retire in one home together, but what their dad did each hour, day, and year of their lives was totally his decision. I think my kids are mighty too for letting it be.
Very similar story here. My divorce was after my ex retired and ran. We had two kids in college.
Neither of my young adult kids have married, but I have a lovely, respectful relationship with both of them that would have been impossible if my ex had stayed around. One went on the wild side for a time and moved out, but they have evened out to better choices of late. The other is a straight arrow. And despite all the differences, we still text all the time and try to get together once a week or so. They are both acing their professional life and are self-supporting. That’s a big.
It certainly could have been so very different. I chose not provide a lot of details but focused on my relationship with them. They figured it all out and decided not to have dad in their lives. He was not invited to any of the graduations and award ceremonies. When he finally invited them to visit some years later, they were over it and didn’t go.
How am I mighty? Let me count the many ways…I am healthy, happy and free. I am in my 70s and look and act 15 years younger, thanks to going to my gym 6 days/week. I race 5ks and 10ks and win my age group over and over. I traveled out of the country alone to a wonderful conference last month and not only learned a ton, but had the time of my life. Next year, I will go to Paris. I have one adult child who is a self-supporting, respected professional and homeowner who is always ready to help if needed, visits often and stays in touch with me regularly. I have lots of good friends, a great book club, live in a beautiful part of the country, a great therapist and a wonderful religious community. I see a massage therapist weekly, take care of myself with manis and pedis and all sorts of self-care. I do not have a spouse (and thankful I no longer have the FW spouse) and I lack for nothing. I have a will and a pre – paid funeral and plot, and my capable adult child will be in charge of it all, so when I go, it will be drama-free. I have no idea what happened to all the women (and men) he cheated with for all those decades A few have died, I know, and a few are in prison. The rest? Who knows, and who cares. I cannot imagine a better final chapter for myself. I wish only for good for all of you, fellow chumps. Come to this site and read. Tuesday is coming!!
These days I’m feeling SO mighty. At first, I felt very small and weak. My ex took off with most of the money and my adult autistic son (because my son gets social security, and my ex loves money). My church was apathetic and kept asking me why I wanted a divorce and telling me that he had repented of his cheating, abuse, lying, and stealing, and it was my fault that we weren’t happy after that because I was unforgiving. (Spoiler alert: my ex never stopped any of those things, just hid them better.) Here is how things are now:
There is so much more. But those are the things for which I am most grateful. I remember how I was told by my former pastor that I would end up alone, penniless, and my kids all destroyed. None of that was true. None. The grass is SO much greener on the other side.
D-day was 2010. I was left with nothing: $20k debt, too traumatized to function, living in abject poverty, waited tables to survive. I literally lost all my friends and didn’t have a penny to my name. My mother was terrified because I was actively suicidal for a while and once took my car keys from me. I don’t know how I made it.
Today I have a great corporate job that I love, with a great boss who respects me and plans to promote me in the next year or two to a senior role. I have great friends and much healthier relationships with my family. It’s unreal how good my relationships are compared to back then. I joined a gym this year and learned how to deadlift. I love it.
I have no debt, rapidly growing retirement accounts, and finally had to hire a financial advisor this year. I can’t believe that a decade ago I was scraping together quarters for the train and now I’ve hired a finance professional who’s helping me buy a house.
All my abusers are either dead or miserable failures. The fuckwit whose cheating brought me here has still failed to launch and is terrified of me whenever I run into him. Not gonna lie, I enjoy seeing him cower and am so thankful he’s no longer my problem.
Fantastic, Cam! That’s an amazing comeback story. You are REALLY mighty!😁 Love that your fuckwit cowers when he sees you. I think mine is just mortified that I want nothing to do with her, unless it involves the kids. Cowering would probably make me burst out in laughter. People would look at me funny, but who among us wouldn’t laugh? I’m so proud of you Cam, and I don’t even really know you. Again, that’s mighty mighty! Keep on rocking’ your life.😉
Thank you!
I was shattered. I was nuked. I was destroyed, devastated. So was my daughter.
We both took a nosedive.
I am not healed and whole yet, at the seven year mark, but I am significantly more whole and healed and that process continues, a little bit each day. Every day that I get up, put one foot in front of the other, and make it to bedtime without harming myself or someone else, and practice what I’ve learned, and learn something new is a victory.
My mighty is more about internal changes than outside changes. Outside changes are awesome, but it’s the internal changes that are most meaningful for me. With me and with my daughter. She was almost eleven when we found out he had a secret double life and is almost eighteen now. He abandoned our daughter as well as me. He chose his family of origin, a sex worker, and their illicit massage parlor over his own daughter. And he is still conducting a secret sexual double
life. I don’t know the details of the agreement between him and the sex worker “sole mate”, but theirs is not a monogamous situation.
This message from CS Lewis articulates the mindset I have now, which is gold. I was so grateful to have found this as it perfectly describes the process I have been in and I agree with everything said.
https://youtu.be/HVIQXafnM10?si=2iXFn4W8a3BIJ1_C
By some miracle, I did not reach for a cigarette, alcohol, other drugs, or a man on DDay or since. I have been in indescribable pain and indescribable introspection. I knew that what I needed was to become healed and whole on my own. The infidelity and the end of my so-called marriage (a MIRAGE) revealed vulnerabilities I had that I needed to address.
I am so thankful I went that way. People can drink and smoke and eat themselves to death in an effort to kill the pain infidelity causes. They commit murder, they choose suicide. They lose the will to live and can’t regain it. I know people who jumped into dating too soon, got remarried, and divorced again in the seven years I have been on my own since DDay. I am determined as much as I possibly can to not fill that gaping hole blown he blew in me with anything that will prevent or delay the healing of me and my daughter. (Yes, the involved children get holes blown in them too, which cheaters and side pieces dismiss and deny, completely invalidating and discounting the their feelings and saying loud and clear that how the children feel doesn’t matter.)
Learning to be solid on my own has been the greatest of the oddly wrapped gifts to come out of infidelity.
You are indeed mighty VH, especially so because you can acknowledge that “I am not healed and whole yet”. It takes courage to stay on the long path and not be diverted onto shortcuts (using cigarettes, alcohol, men) to relieve your pain.
And thank you, thank you for linking that vid! I have bookmarked it and plan to play it again and again.
I am 7 years from the day I decided I had had enough abuse. I read Tracy’s book 3 times in those first weeks as I tore apart my old life, and made plans for a new beginning.
Today, I own my own home, and my walls sing!
Three weeks ago I married the kindest, most wonderful man. I never could have imagined being able to have this kind of reciprocal, loving relationship.
Thank you, Tracy, for providing me guidance and courage.
Ok, how am I mighty? Hmmm…🤔
Well, I got my head headed in the right direction in the tail end of 2017 (October! I’m pretty sure. Can’t find the email to Tracy, though, damnit), about 6 months after D-day (early April). That was when I found Tracy, aka Chumplady. Thank God.
A little before that, I think in September, I realized I had to stop playing the pick-me-dance (or at least start the stopping of it), and got a lawyer. I told the FW XW I was getting a lawyer and starting divorce proceedings not to try and hurt her, but to protect ME.
Starting to read Chumplady was a revelation. Here was someone, with a sizable group that agreed with her, that boldly said we chumps weren’t to blame for our fuckwits cheating on us. THEY were.
Holy shit! That was an amazing experience, feeling validated that my anger and feelings of hurt towards my FW XW might possibly be justified. That her selfish actions, her betrayal of me and our family were just that; incredibly selfish actions and treachery most intimate, terrible and evil.
[I will always admit I was not a perfect husband. But any unfavorable actions towards her were almost always without intent to hurt her (never physical. Not helping out as much around the house, and responding to her verbal/mental attacks on me). Her exit-affairing me? Totally and royally planned.]
And Tracy answering my email to her, after I got enough courage to send it, was so supportive. I believe after my emotionally overloaded over-sharing email, her response was: she’s an idiot.
That was enough to start me heading towards the light of a new life. For me. For my kids. It reminded me that I mattered, that my kids mattered. That my FW XW no longer mattered, except to the kids and my having to deal w/her because of them.
Still cried over her treachery for a couple of years. But by March of 2019 (absolute divorce), my kids had noticed I seemed happier. Which was a BIG thing for me. And I think that made them feel good, to see their dad was finally righting himself.
Stuck in a boring but safe mattress sales job for over five years (after over twenty as a pharmacist), the pandemic hit. Got furloughed like just about every other salesman in the company.
Realized this might be a good time to make a jump to something better, job-wise. After a false start at another job, finally landed a full time job w/Fedex Express at the end of September, after spending the summer of 2020 jobless, but exercising a hell of a lot (either walking over twelve miles a day or biking over 30 miles daily).
I’ve now been w/Fedex Express for over four years. I enjoy the job more than I ever did any other job. I can be friendly w/my customers for relatively short interactions and then retreat to my audiobooks and NPR in my work van (necessary for a deep introvert like me). They’re very happy w/me, and I with them.
I work six day weeks (my choice. Sort of 😅). My management has finally realized that I’m their go-to man when they need help, so I’ve become fairly valued by them. Which is nice.
Two of my three children love me, I believe. The oldest is an almost carbon copy of her mother, and I ran aground w/her a few years ago. Trying to repair the relationship, but she’s not very forgiving of me or understanding of how her actions helped cause the rift.
And I think she thinks her mother’s actions in exit-affairing me and temporarily abandoning the kids (at least emotionally) now are somewhat acceptable. I’m willing to accept my part in creating our communication problem. My daughter is not. And I’m fairly certain her mother wasted no time maligning me to our daughter during our time of little communication. Sigh.
Finally, to wrap this up, I’m in good health, happy, realize that I’m SO much better w/out the FW XW around, for the last year and a half have been ready to try dating/love again (no dice yet, but still hopeful), and should be able to retire at 59 and a half.
[If I want to. My son will still be in undergraduate college, and I’m supporting him and my younger daughter, who’s in graduate college for social work, while they’re in college monetarily as best I can. So I may stick it out for an extra year to do that better for my son. My daughter should hopefully have graduated from grad school by then.]
I’m still stuck in the house I hate that the FW XW made us downsize into to stay in her local political position after I burnt out in pharmacy (I agreed to it to make her happy, in the middle of a major depression and near nervous breakdown for me).
I’m still taking care of the two cats she abandoned me with as well. She lives w/her scumbag AP and formerly married rich boss (they’re now married. As if either of them is mature enough to BE married), an eighth of a mile directly behind my house (small New England city. Very small. Just recently became a city from a village). She still holds a local political office in our city. Ugh.
I still run into her, unfortunately. This summer at voting for our primaries, for example. Double ugh.🤢🤮 Got away from her presence as quick as I could.
But overall, I’m enjoying my life and looking forward to doing more and more of what I want to do w/my life. And enjoying being there for my kids, as much as I can.
So, thank you Tracy. Thank you very, very much. I cannot express how much your logic, snark and caring about all us chumps helped me get here. And thank you CN. It’s always reassuring to see that you’re not alone in dealing w/this horrible shit of infidelity. I wish we didn’t have to bond over something so terrible in our lives, but I’m glad to be there for you, as many here were for me.😊
Hopefully you didn’t vote for her. Just kidding, I know she is kids mom etc. Glad things are on the up swing for you. It does take a while for most.
Thanks, susie lee. As I wrote here before, I never vote for her. Never exactly told my son that (the only minor we had when she exit-affaired me), but he figured it out when she lost a previous vote by two ballots.🤷♂️🫤 She bounced back and won the next election to merely represent our new village turned city. Ugh/sigh.
What an impressive community of chumps!! And how exciting that our very own CL is getting some media attention. Preach!!
Five years ago when I was still reeling from d-day, I never would have believed that I’d be where I am now–content with my new life, grateful for adult kids, and secure in a relationship with a man who treats me with love and respect. Above all, I love spending time with my grandkids (3 and 5). I feel so lucky!
The inner work continues. I’m working to be a bit more selfish, if that makes sense. After catering to a narcissist for 35 years, I lost myself and any sense of what I like and need. Slowly I’m figuring it out. I have boundaries now. I will never put up with being treated
“less than” again. I do what I want when I want. And I really do TRUST THAT HE SUCKS. It took a while to get there.
I try not to think about FW. I’m 100% NC. He married the AP and moved across country, which is great because the risk of a chance encounter is nil. My adult kids remain NC as well. He hasn’t been invited to weddings, births, and the like. I don’t think that will change, but who knows? I’ll cross that bridge…
For those reading this who are not at meh yet, please know that many of us who’ve been at this a while still have our darker moments. The trauma of the betrayal doesn’t go away completely. It’s just that the good, new life crowds out many of those old, shitty feelings…and we move on.
It gets better, so much better.
My DDay #3 (first 2 – 2010 then 2011were just friends GODDAMMIT WOMAN) was July 2020, there were probably other ‘friends’ and many light bulb moments have occurred since! My mirage (thanks VH) was a 35 Yr long one. Since then I have achieved many things. Too many to list 😁😎. The FW is a gift that keeps on giving, not to me per sé but to my adult children. He is a complete dick head and if I was a time traveller I’d go back and NOT pick him 🤦🏻♀️but I’m not and here I am.
Anyhooo, for all the newbies joining the club NONE of us wanted too, it will be ok, be better, hell it will be just fucking awesome – I promise 👌🏼
Today I am with my youngest daughter, her husband and their beautiful children, my beautiful grandbabies – I am truly blessed 3 children and now 6 grandbabies – thanks to my kick ass lawyer I got my rewards from the divorce, wasn’t easy it was the hardest fucking fight I’ve ever fought so far in my life but thanks to reading here (especially Mr LFTT – whose insight about the house and contents was gold) I came out of the tornado ok 78% mine 😎.
I done alright but really what I want to say is that it doesn’t matter what you achieve or do not achieve… living without a cheating, abusing, lying FW is a WIN!!!!!!
We just happen to rise from the ashes without even trying when we’re not being dragged under by dead wood.
BE MIGHTY ALWAYS ♥️
I’m mighty because after 34 years of marriage, I left his ass the second I discovered his years of “business with prostitutes”. I’m mighty because I used my emergency fund savings to secure safe housing (apartment) for myself. I’m mighty because I filed so fast and had him served before he even realized that I was done and out and gone permanently.
I’m mighty because I refused to let him touch me, lovebomb me, manipulate me, gaslight me or mindfuck me, even though he tried. I’m mighty because I figured out how to live on my own independently for the first time in my life as a “60ish” woman. I’m mighty because I moved many states away to start over my new mighty life as a single person.
I’m mighty because I pursued educating myself about marital emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, sexual coercion and infidelity as abuse. I’m mighty because I’ve educated myself using blogs, books and podcasts to find support, understanding and healing. It all started with Chump Lady which I found within 2 days of my D-day. Thank you Chump Lady!
I’m 11 years post D-Day on Nov. 22. (Can’t forget the date because it’s the day of the JFK assassination).
For me, it wasn’t just the big, hard, ugly, cruel slow discard leading up to D-Day; it was my addiction (if you will) to being in a relationship, to being part of a couple, that I had to address. The discard and the pain tapped a lifetime of old pain around these issues, and I can report that getting to work on that (and not obsessing about what he did and why) changed my life. That’s gaining a life and fixing a picker and making the walls of my own house sing.
My computer was on the blink so I’m late to this party, but I’m going to post anyway because for the last couple of times the “Mighty” update was called, I was down on myself and thought I had nothing to contribute. I do now.
Here’s my “mighty” update: For this election, I volunteered to work with my party, writing postcards to voters together with others at the headquarters in my town, enjoying the companionship and banter of like-minded people. More importantly, I volunteered to work as an election judge, and have worked several days of early voting. I feel for the first time in a long time as if I am doing something meaningful and something important to me.
To learn about the process and safeguards built into our election system has been eye-opening. I wish all those who have listened to the conspiracy theories about voting machines and stolen or illicit ballots could have the education I have had (I underwent hours of training). In my city, election judges are apportioned equally by Democrat and Republican, and each voter’s signature is approved by a judge from each party before a ballot can be given to the voter. Those voters who have requested a paper ballot but wish to vote in person must have their paper ballot decertified by an election official before being allowed to cast their vote in person. And as in most of the country, the tabulator’s count is reinforced by retention of the paper ballot, in case a recount is called for. Our election process has numerous safeguards built into it.
Moreover, all of the judges keep their own political opinions to themselves, because those are irrelevant to our job, which is to ensure all registered voters are able to cast their ballots. To be there working with others who have a commitment to free and fair elections gives me hope for our country. On a personal level, I have felt an enormous satisfaction from being part of the fundamental basis of our democracy.