Tell Me How You’re Mighty

 

superchump2supechumpThis post idea came to me from Ghana. I got an email from a wonderful chump there who wrote to say she reads the blog. In telling me her story, she related that her D-Day happened just as she was taking her bar exams to be a lawyer. She said it in passing, as she was telling me the rest of her story, and her D-Day had been a few years back.

Her signature line however said “attorney” — so guys, she MADE IT. She suffered that kind of shock and betrayal and STILL managed to pass her exams and found employment as a lawyer.

Chumps are mighty.

I know many of us react to D-Day with collapse. We cannot eat or sleep — and yet we function. We go to work. We care for children. We walk the dogs. We get up with our hearts broken and we still get shit done.

Today I want to know what your success is, however modest you think it is. Tell me how you got back up into the land of the living.

Speaking for myself, I was working as a newspaper editor during my year of reconciliation hell (otherwise known as four D-Days). The first two, close together, were before I found a job. But I suffered two on the job, and I left him — scheduled the time off and had to tell my boss what was going on, because I was afraid he’d show up at my workplace.

Word got around in my small office. I was sitting at a meeting with four guys, my co-workers and the staff writer — a macho Puerto Rican guy — said to me, tearing up, “I don’t know how you did it. You had THAT going on in your life and you came to work every day and put out a newspaper? I would’ve cried in bed for a month.” He looked at me with respect, and I didn’t realize until he said it — hell, that was some kind of accomplishment. Somehow I did my job. And I did it pretty damn well.

Frankly, having a job with a major deadline each week gave my days structure. I could forget or at least distract myself. I could throw myself at work. And the camaraderie helped too. I felt like people appreciated me at work, I was surrounded by good folks. It put my cheater’s crazy in perspective.

When my D-Day hit, I’d just moved to a new state. I’d been married 6 months. I was isolated from my entire support system. So my first mighty accomplishment was finding a job. My next mighty accomplishment was keeping myself together at work while my home life fell apart. And my third mighty accomplishment was leaving him. I bought a house on the sly (took months), and executed an elaborately detailed escape plan.

I also did the single mom thing throughout as well. I feel awful my son had to live through all that, but I did my best to shield him from it. Organizing play dates, chaperoning school functions, ferrying him to school, friends, and activities.

I know I’m not alone here, chumps. You did these things too. You took that sucker punch and you got back up. You’re still up. Today tell me how you’re mighty.

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GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago

I went from being a SAHM to a new career as a freelance writer. I’m certainly not rich, but I’m holding my own. I’ve written for some big clients, starting to get decent pay.

I moved into an apartment with my son, and I love my home.

My son is doing great, growing into a wonderful young man.

I’ve been dating a man for the past three months, and it seems to be going well. He’s normal and decent and stable, all the things my ex is not.

Most of all, I survived what I thought would kill me. I found strength I never dreamed I had.

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yes, congrats. Having peace in an apartment is so much better than mindfuckery in a big (otherwise beautiful) house.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  LiningUpDucks

Totally agree, Ducks and others,

I, too, had the joy and privilege of being a SAHM. Best ‘job’ in the world, IMHO!
The house we lived in for most of our married life was modest, but well kept and maintained, in a safe neighborhood. I had a small, but beautiful yard, which we both worked at making it the prettiest on the block. (simple but pretty) It was so relaxing to be in the garden or yard, on the deck in the evening or out under one of my big ole shade trees, drink in hand, enjoying the fruits of our labor. (Yes, I know I am in the minority here, but my cheater helped in the yard and helped maintain the home. Was to his benefit, so he did that. Also, was big part of the ‘image’ thing for him)

But, no peace…….How can you really enjoy anything with no real trust, love or peace in your marriage, wondering how many times this week he has seen the whore or talked to her or lied to you? (The Bible has a few verses that state this basic concept very well!)

So, yes, now I have peace in a small apartment, as well. Can always go for a walk in the park to enjoy greenery!

Forge on, friends……

PS: Since I am new here, I have been reading through all the posts, archives and comments and have been amazed at all these exceptional people! Love the accounts of your lives, your joys, your triumphs!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I am so happy for you Glad. In the words of Kunta Kinte, “Free a fine way to be.”

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yayayay you Glad. Love seeing this!

Chumpchange
Chumpchange
9 years ago

My DDay came after 14 years of marriage. He had just moved our family to a new city 2 months prior. Luckily I landed a teaching job right before the move. Here I was faced with being a single mom, at a new job, in a strange city away from my support group, and still unpacking the boxes.
I took 2 days off school when the bomb hit. Within 4 weeks I had my kids and I in therapy, got some anti-depressants to function, and started a bond with my students that I will cherish and remember for the rest of my teaching career. My former students still come greet me on their way to class every morning and that usually only lasts a week into the next school year. I have had more parents from that class give me compliments about teaching their child than all my 10 years of teaching. And none had a clue about the personal hell i was going through.
I did the chumpy pick me dance for a few months and let the cheater back in my home for a few more months. Didn’t take long to catch him again, so after the second and final DDay, I filed for divorce and moved my girls and I into a new place of our own- all within a month of giving him the boot. I have been a wreck emotionally over the last year and feel as if I boarded a crazy train, but I keep putting one foot in front of the other. I keep an open communication with my kids and support them the best I can. Come on 2014- give me some relaxation and peace! If I could only get the ass to sign the divorce decree I might be on the path to Meh…

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago

Hell yeah! I love you Chump Lady.

I’m an attorney. I have my own partnership firm. My D-day was five months ago, but it wasn’t because of the cheating. I found out I was a chump about 2 months ago. I initiated the divorce and separation. I was trudging along with the hard feelings and all the big changes and then WHAM! I got the sucker punch. After that, I was consumed with anger and could barely manage. Then I became sad and angry as hell! My five year old daughter kept me going but I only have her half time. Frankly, I was having a real hard time doing anything except just try and survive a day.

This past Thursday night I got a call from a referral. His daughter was committed involuntarily to a hospital for her refusal to eat. She was in a local tx center for anorexia/bulimia. She had gone from 85 lbs to 72 lbs in a few weeks. She’s 24 years old and she was beautiful before the disease struck. She was critical. Her mom had been killed in a car accident during the holiday season and it was more than she could bear. The father called me to see if it was possible to have him appointed an emergency guardian so that he could have the hospital force feed her. If she were to go on much longer, my understanding is, that there is a point that the body can no long go back to regular functioning and death is not far after. She was at death’s door.

My partner and I dropped everything and spent all day Friday preparing to go in front of a judge for an emergency hearing that afternoon. The judge granted it without much argument. Her before and after pictures are compelling. It didn’t really sink in with me until later as I tucked my little girl in, that we may have saved her life. She is now taking nourishment willingly. Honestly, I don’t know how the hell I did it. It’s not my typical area and it’s unusual anyway. I had a ton of help.

That kind of case I will likely never see again. It helped me realize that I could shake this cold malaise that surrounded my will to practice law and run a new business/partnership. CL implores to get a life and get into action. I did and it felt good. It’s the kind of case that I went to law school for.

And, I felt Mighty. And, as you may be able to tell, still do.

My other accomplishment that has me feeling Mighty is my ability to finally put my daughter’s hair into a decent half assed ponytail for dance class. My God, I do suck at it. But I am getting better. I have tried and practiced. I think I have it! Poor thing. Sounds corny but….true.

Finally, after a few meltdowns and losing my shit, I am a NC badass. It feels good. Every time I change my thought to gaining a life rather than contacting that bozo, I am Mighty.

Boom. There it is.

MO
MO
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

congrats on the ponytail thing. i think that is the most awesome accomplishment. it always impresses me when men find the right way to do a ponytail. good for you

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

WOW! What an amazing account!
Thank you so much for sharing this!!

Forge on, friends…..

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

Was trying to put my comment above under the account of the anorexic young lady………

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

Thirstyfish,
Nothing like having infidelity strike you in the gut… But it also confirms the gut feelings you had…_THAT’S_S why X was behaving that way, or why I felt that way.

Great job with the ponytail, and the case… Mighty, indeed.

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

Thanks z,
Now that I am removed from her for months, it’s all coming together. She was being a jackass on a regular basis (i.e., picking meaningless fights, projecting her insecurities about my women co-workers on to me because she was banging some loser in secret etc., blaming me for everything.) And, she wanted to have another baby with me right up until D-day. I am just baffled by that one.

It’s funny, I just wasn’t ready to see it until I was ready. I look back on the year before I entered chumpdom (again) and it was filled with changes I was making for the better. Little did I know she was going to be on that list. Ha!

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

Just a quick note. I heard from Dad and his daughter is recovering and may actually leave the hospital tomorrow.
I’ve read a lot of the posts today. I feel good after processing the entries. I am curious about the amount of lawyers here? Are we extra chumpy? Just kidding really…

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

I’ve noticed the number of lawyer-chumps (myself included) as well – I think what makes me a good lawyer, also happened to make me a GREAT Chump! For example: Effective & timely crisis management, working long hours and carrying my own weight and then some to get the job done, seeing a way through chaos & reaching the desired result, ability to argue both sides of a dispute – depending which way is most beneficial to my client… all of these skills were thoroughly exploited by my Narc-XH.

It is AMAZING how much more energy I can put towards worthy projects now that I’m not constantly going around behind XH to clean up the chaos he would create (not paying bills on time – or at all, never finishing anything, always late, spent too much on sailing shit despite overdrawing his own accounts, always had problems w/ authority so he “needed to be his own boss” (read: couldn’t hold a job), I would always be rushing around to fill in the gaps so that we wouldn’t upset a family function, etc.)

AHA
AHA
9 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

You are describing my husband. And while not a lawyer, I perfectly fit the lawyer-chump profile too

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  BarristerBelle

Belle, You’re spot on. I am still in the process of redirecting the energy and reframing my thought life, too. I do have those traits and they have served me well as an advocate. Among other things.

Well taken.

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks CL. I know my way around the courtroom well, but I am troubled by pony tails, pig tails, and braids of all kinds (lol). Thanks for the tips. I’m really having fun with it. I think it would be fun to to go to the unknown world of hair bobbles and barrettes. I’ve already braved the myriad of girls clothes sizes (which vary from designer/brand to the other…like is an eight REALLY an eight for this designer/brand? don’t know usually ’til we’re home…grrr), and tutus, leotards, tights, shoes of all kinds for crying out loud.

It did take energy for that case but it was the right kind. And, the aftermath of getting chumped and the despair I have felt has helped me to slow down and get perspective. About work and how I treat myself. It’s like you said. Get a life.

JBaby
JBaby
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

Loved this story! Especially the ponytail part! It’s the little things. ๐Ÿ™‚

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

That is great, thirsty, brought tears to my eyes. Keep being an NC badass!!

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

Well done ThirstyFish! You deserve to feel MIGHTY!… Before I filed for divorce at the end of 2013, I was paralyzed with pain, I could barely function & taking care of my 9 year old son was the only thing that kept me going .

I’m on the road to recovery now.. To being the smart hardworking effective woman I once was & I hope i”ll get to feel ” mighty” one day very soon!
Best wishes.

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  13YEARCHUMP

13YEARCHUMP,
You will soon enough! It just gets better. I’m nowhere near “meh” and I still have paroxysms of anger. Or, I am reminded of something from, let’s say 2001 or something like that, and I’ll think “Oh yeah, we were together then.” But it’s a new gig now. The new life is beginning to crowd out the old.

Best to you as well.

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

I survived, kept my job. Tried a shitload of cases, crying on breaks then back to the courtroom. Became a professional golfer, a lifelong dream. Shot three 68 s in a week while taking Xanax to keep from breaking down
My kids love me and I love them.
I was so broke from the divorce and my XW’s spending that I lost the house and had to sleep on my friend’s couch for three years. My credit had been perfect before the marriage but was destroyed.
I repaired it, worked three jobs to get re-established and bought a condo .
I took in three stray cats, one a young pregnant female. We raised her kittens and found all of them good homes.
I have played golf in Hilton Head, San Diego, Pinehurst, Atlanta, San Antonio, Austin, and Phoenix this last couple years and have reconnected with some of my best friends on trips together.
I have a nice, smart , beautiful girlfriend who loves me.
My xws cheating was a blessing.

artemis7
artemis7
5 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I am in awe. <3

Doop
Doop
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

The fearlessness with which I now live has been one of the most surprising results of this journey. I’ve lost a lot, and I’m still standing.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Doop

I agree. After you survive one of the worst things that could happen, well, I guess there isn’t much left to worry about….

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Hi Arnold,

I ‘ve tried cases but not since entering chumpdom. I’m not sure I could sustain the effort; but you are inspirational. Thanks.

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Couldn’t you have given us larger bulges in our tights. Would have been much more lifelike/realistic ๐Ÿ™‚

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hell yeah! Now I can say “I was drawn that way…”

Thanks, CL. You and everyone on here have really made a difference in how I am building a life today for me and my daughter.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE THE CARTOONS!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ THE BEST!!!

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

Just about everybody here is inspirational. The writing , the wit, the creativity etc amazes me, as does the strength.
I think we forget just how amazingly hard it is to endure this. And we have not just endured but been successes.
Once you go through this, you can live fearlessly. My only real vulnerability now relates to my kids. I have no fear of anything relating to my own personal well being.
If I get sick or lose everything , I know I will be alright.
Heading for Arizona tomorrow to play golf.
I bought a motorcycle too and will do Route 66 and Sturgis this summer.
My kids think I have lost my marbles but they really love me.

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I love reading your stories Arnold! You are funny but smart & real. Cheered for you when I read this one! I hope you have all the happiness u deserve with the new beautiful girlfriend!

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  13YEARCHUMP

Thanks. Just need to make sure the GF does not get violent :), right, CL?

suri
suri
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Well,we all do…..on our partners..

DeeL
DeeL
9 years ago

My first d day was 7 years ago. I had been a sahm for 15 years. Three things happened to me in two months time. I got a job, found out my stbxh was having an affair and I had a miscarriage. What got me through… my faith in God and plain old puttting one foot in front of the other. Another month passes and my aunt (my inlaw) gets diagnosed and passes away. I stayed.. ate the shit sandwiches, spackled like crazy (his really sweet aunt just passed, cut him some slack), did the dance and endured. 7 years of my intentionally avoiding several EA’S I get hit by a mack truck. He set me up to wait to find 600 text messages between him and ow. Then he tells me. “You said if I did this again……” gutless turd couldn’t even finish the sentence. I had to ask if he was leaving. He left and I broke down. That was in September. I moved away. I kept going to work and I’m having more bad days than good but I will not let that keeping me down forever

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
9 years ago
Reply to  DeeL

DeeL, It will get better although you can’t see it right now. I can promise you it will. My first Dday was over 20 years ago and our child was only 6 weeks old when he told me. He begged me to forgive him and I did eventually. I fell into major depression but somehow I managed to take care of my child and work full-time. Next Dday was 10 years later and this time, I found out about OW. I threw him out, filed for divorce and before the papers were final, he came begging and I took him back. Severe depression again, lost a ton of weight which I didn’t need to lose and I lived life with a cloud over me. A life of fear. And yet I prevailed. I did well in my career and raised an amazing young adult. Final Dday was in late 2012 and this time, I simply threw him out, went no contact immediately. It still hurt but this time, I knew I would make it. In spite of the pain, I did everything to put myself first – no contact, counseling, support group, etc. My faith is God was and remains my rock. It’s been a little over a year since the final Dday, ex has tried to come back and I outright said no, and life is good. As a matter of fact, life is very, very good. So DeeL, trust that your life will only get better, not worse. He did you a huge favor.

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  DeeL

Dee , believe me, this shit gets better.
Never let these assholes win.

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago

I was in a car accident, left turn in front of me, going 45, no time to even brake. I have a plate and four screws holding my neck together. I have permanent nerve damage which leaves me with a “head ache” like a migraine, level 5 average pain on a good day, every day, all day. Level 10 to me is vomiting and shaking as my body tries not to go into shock.
I have 3 boys, 3 dogs (just put one down.)
I get up every day. ๐Ÿ˜‰
My friends say I am super mom. They say they have no idea how I do it. What is IT? I don’t understand.
I take care of the kids. I make them anything they want for breakfast every day, ok, well 99% of the days. I never got breakfast growing up, ever that I remember. It is important to me that they start the day knowing they matter and are the reason I get out of bed. I sit with them and I talk to them while we all eat. I do everything in my power to make sure their day starts out as great as it can. No matter what happens when they go to school or through their day, I know I gave them the best start I could.
Pack lunches, hang out with 4 yr old and work on his speech therapy, clean the house (if I can, if not, dirt will be there tomorrow) laundry, never ending laundry, lunch, try to work on a project for my house if I can (foreclosure, needs lots of work ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) get dinner going, kids get home, do homework, buy kindle book that son left at school for assignment due tomorrow (that was todays major issue), eat dinner, go to basketball practice, work on reading w middle son while older son plays b-ball, come home, baths, read a story, hugs kisses, no more water you are going to bed, stay up til 1 doing frickin laundry… that is an average day here.
I put one foot in front of the other. I shield my kids from their fucked up father, spackle like a mf’er over the dumb shit he says and does to them. Take care of my dog who is thinking about dying… told him he is NOT dying on me and to get over his issues (13 yrs old, soooo, 91 in dog years? he’s FINE). Cleaned up 3 weeks (snow issues) of dog crap yesterday, 2 5 gallon buckets full, yummy. Deal with Roy still trying to control me, tell me I am nothing, was nothing when he met me, am still nothing now. Drip drip drip goes the Chinese water torture.
My friends are amazed. At frickin what? For doing what I am suppose to do? There are no cheers for doing what you are suppose to do.
I cook, I clean, I hope to God I am doing enough, I love my babies and I do it all while my head is trying to explode. All with minimum medications bcz they really don’t work any way.
I am mighty because I do what I signed up to do, no matter what, day in and day out, I take care of my kids.

13YEARCHUMP
13YEARCHUMP
9 years ago
Reply to  all4freedom

I’m totally inspired! God bless u all4freedom.

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

sundae pancakes are our favorite… pancake, small amount of ice cream (Edy’s slow churned 1/2 the fat ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) diced strawberries & bananas, another pancake, ice cream, diced strawberries and bananas, cool whip free and chocolate syrup. So yummy and if you are careful w the ingredients and types of product, it can be pretty healthy. Chocolate syrup has fiber and ice cream has calcium. lol ๐Ÿ˜‰

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  all4freedom

all4freedom,

You deserve a leotard with an “S” on it, a cape and your own phone booth. You go Girl!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  all4freedom

a4f–you are f***ing amazing, and sorry, I am giving you some serious cheers. What an awesome mom and woman!

(Roy is a POS, don’t listen to his narcissistic taunts, he’s just a terrified loser)

nina
nina
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

All4 – I agree – you are amazing, strong beyond words, a thoughtful and wonderful mom. You rock!!! The POS – I agree with Kelly – he’s just a coward.

Arnold
Arnold
9 years ago
Reply to  all4freedom

That is fucking amazing!

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

That is fucking mighty. I know what you mean by doing what you signed up for. But you still kick ass.

exrepeatedmeme
exrepeatedmeme
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

all4freedom, Arnold and thirstyfish are so right – you do kick ass, righteously.

exrepeatedmeme
exrepeatedmeme
9 years ago

I don’t think of myself as anything special, but when I look back I realize just how much strength I have. And as I read all the weird and painful and inspiring stories on this site, how strong and amazing all us chumps are.

I am mighty because after STBX left the stress caused my blood sugar to soar. My doctor wanted to put me on heavy duty meds. I declined, gritted my teeth and over the next year lost 70 pounds and brought my blood sugar down to normal. I started running again, yoga, spin classes, stuck with it in spite of middle aged aches and pains and the fear I couldn’t do it. I could have given up but I didn’t.

I saw my kids go through hell and it broke my heart. I gave them all the love I had, helped them through the bad times, the neglect, the hurtful comments from their dad, kept a calm exterior for them when all I wanted to do was cry and rant and shout my pain. They are on their way to good things now, my kids, wonderful young men. Their dad has very little place in their lives, as they know to judge him on what he does and not what he says.

My mum died six months after my world blew up. My sisters and I pulled together, had a beautiful gathering of community to remember her, and buried her with grace and love. My dear neighbour and friend Bill died a few months after that, and I was strong enough to attend his funeral and remember him fondly, the grief not too overwhelming.

Most people at work don’t know even now that I am in the middle of a painful and surreal separation and drawn out divorce from a passive-aggressive narcissist. I like it this ways. I let myself be immersed in work while I was there, my separate, peaceful world.

I am mighty because after 36 years I am finally finding myself again, and am grateful that this happened now and not ten years from now when it would be much harder to recover emotionally and financially. And I am mighty because even though I am going into debt to bankroll this divorce, I realize that it is one of the best investments I will ever make and worth every penny. I am seeing clearly for the first time in a long time, and the view is lovely.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  exrepeatedmeme

Dearest exrepeatedmeme, (& others facing the divorce issue at this time)

Both Dr George Simon & William (Bill) Eddy have a lot of info that will help.

Bill Eddy has a book “Splitting:Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone With Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder”.

Many of his books are available as e-books at KOBO.

Check into Bill Eddy especially at this time. On the web-site, High Conflict Institute, you can find an enormous amount of information, as well as links to dealing with these cheaters during legal issues. He is both a counselor & a lawyer, an expert on these types of disordered personalities.

Another book is “Joint Custody With a Jerk” by Julie A. Ross & Judy Corcoran.

Forge on, friends…..

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago
Reply to  exrepeatedmeme

Pretty sure as a “gift” to my kids I am putting money away for their divorces! ๐Ÿ˜‰ JOKING! We save and plan for every other thing they can have happen though. Why not throw that in there too! Car, education, wedding and divorce.
You are a lot like me EXREPEATEDMEME. You get up, do what you have to/are suppose to and tomorrow do it all over again. It doesn’t feel mighty, it doesn’t feel awesome. Scrubbing the toilets and shower aren’t glamorous, but those little cleaning fairies always seem to skip out on my house.
The daily grind, the must do, in the middle of the WORST time in your life. Even life reaches out and punches you in the face in the midst of it all and ya just keep plugging away. That is HUGE.
You are awesome. You are not broken. You have a few cracks (don’t we all) but fortunately we chumps know how to spackle like a mother f’er and cracks get fixed eventually! ๐Ÿ˜‰

Victoria
Victoria
9 years ago

I am still going through tough times, but after what I’ve already been through, I know I can survive.

DD was 14 months ago. For the first 4 months I did the pick me dance. Then the real truth about my marriage started to trickle out. I discovered his affair was only the beginning of his lies and mental health problems as he admitted to an earlier one night stand with a different woman that resulted in a pregnancy he coerced the her to abort. The final bombshell was his admission that he’d been suicidal for the first five years of our relationship and planned to kill himself before the wedding, but for whatever reason didn’t go through with it. So basically I have been married to a cardboard cut-out narcissist for 20 years.

Not gonna lie, I have spent plenty of time sobbing in the shower and lamenting the loss of 20 years of my life. But, what what else is there to do but push on? My therapist says I can’t beat myself up for things my 20 year old self did – and that’s very true. 20 year old me didn’t have the hindsight I have now.

I work in a high pressure job and take care of my kids and house on my own. STBXH has had a mental breakdown and is still living in the basement. I would love him to be gone but that’s on the bottom of my priority list at the moment as I just found out my mother has 6 months to live.

When life gives you lemons, sometimes you can’t make lemonade, so making preserves is the next best thing.

I read this site every day and it gives me strength knowing that one day I will be happy again – and that if I’ve gotten myself this far without ending up in a psych ward, I can probably withstand anything. When you’ve hit rock bottom, there’s some comfort in knowing you can’t fall any further – and that the only way is up!

Victoria
Victoria
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

haha believe me I have thought it so many times. The worst bit is (and you’ll love this) I think he thought telling me all this was a grand gesture – like, look I’m sharing my deepest darkest secrets with you – isn’t that great. I tell ya, it was an instant turnoff. I saw him for what he was and was shocked at how powerful my delusions had been all those years. In many ways it was a fast track to meh. Suddenly the affair wasn’t a betrayal, because I realised I’d never had a marriage in the first place – just the illusion of one.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Victoria

I’m sorry you’re going through all this and my very best to your mother. ๐Ÿ™

Victoria
Victoria
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Thank you. Your kind words are very much appreciated.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Victoria

Ah Victoria, you are a strong woman. I am so sorry about your mother. Great phrase, “cardboard cutout narcissist.” Isn’t that what we all had? There is a peace in knowing you are at the bottom and the only way is up.

Victoria
Victoria
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Thank you. That’s very kind of you.

Gillian
Gillian
9 years ago

Three days after DDay two I saw a solicitor (I’m in the UK) and began divorce proceedings. I bundled up 20 years worth of his shit and made him come get and get it whether it suited him or not. I prevented him from taking our devastated daughter away to live with him and the OW. I went NC and forwarded every single threatening, manipulative email to my solicitor. I told EVERYONE about what had happened and EVERYONE told me about him.

I stopped him from borrowing more money (he was massively in debt, I discovered) against our home to protect myself and our daughter. I made him pay child support direct from his salary so he couldn’t fuck about (which he would have done). And then I took control of selling our family home, getting the financial settlement he didn’t want me to get, and got myself a better job so I could buy the sweet little house I now own IN MY OWN RIGHT.

I worked through all the shit in therapy. I got through the death of my mother a year after DDay when he was still playing games and trying to make me a chump again. I ignored all his fucked-up platitudes and overtures of ‘friendliness’ – he’s no friend to me.

I showed him just how fucking Mighty I can be but more importantly I showed MYSELF that I’m not a woman who gets on her knees and begs for yet another shit sandwich (love that phrase). I loved him even as I did all those things. But I discovered that’s worth jack shit if I don’t love myself more.

Thank You Chump Lady. You really are an inspiration for Chumps the world over.

Love,

The Mighty Gillian.

Dani
Dani
9 years ago
Reply to  Gillian

This is AWESOME!

Nat1
Nat1
9 years ago

Wow the reponses to this post ARE amazing, and very humbling. I feel mighty because I have discovered, or at least started to discover, that the old me was there all along. I used to be passionate and excited and motivated and dreamy and goal orientated. Over the years that was slowly chipped away to the point where I would drink to give me energy because I couldn’t even focus on the tv let alone something more meaningful and exciting. Having a glass of wine in my hand would keep up till bed time and then let me sleep. So I worked, drank and slept! Oh, and ate! I had started looking at those things I wanted as just things that were never going to happen, and maybe my problem was relying and expecting too much from someone else, who just didn’t care! I thought I had a drinking problem, but it turns out I don’t, I just don’t drink like I used to, but instead I garden (I am redisgning and landscaping slowly but surely and it gives me such joy), I have done some grouting, some concreting, I bought a camper trailer and I towed it. All. On. My. Own ๐Ÿ˜€ and we went camping in it and put up the tent and relaxed and had a beautiful new years by the beach. I always managed the money, I did the taxes, paid the bills. Yet money was always something that really depressed me….haha but I am actually financially better off even though I am paying a mortgage and supporting 3 kids on half the income. We have a lifestyle now, and I like it! I have discovered things I didn’t know about myself that I would never have known if I hadn’t got the opportunity. I love the football, I have been 2 times with my 11 year old daughter and after her team won the grand final I am sure it’s because I have magical football powers. I can’t wait for the season to start, i hope to get to more games this year. I am raising my kids, getting to know them like somehow I have been absent for awhile, and they are amazing. Kind hearted, helpful, courteous, respectful, successful amazing teenage girls. AND I am going to Italy in June for 3 weeks, all by myself. I am mighty because My life has regenerated and it makes me feel strong. I am constantly challenged but I know it’ll pass. Thank you Andrew.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

Here is another one whose drinking problem disappeared with the ex.

Sara
Sara
8 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

So weird. Me too. I feel like the fog has lifted and I no longer want to numb myself. Clarity. My eyes are finally open after 15 years.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

Jeez Nat, I had the same exact experience. I thought I had a drinking problem pre-D-day, but it disappeared with the ex. When I first saw the counsel a few weeks post D-day, he warned me a lot of people start drinking in that situation, but my reason for numbing myself was apparently now gone. Two years later, I am a completely different woman, the one I used to be (or never got to be with all those years of mind-numbing deception, detachment and lies).

Shadowfire
Shadowfire
9 years ago

Was living in ex’s country for close to 11 years when he decided to detour into Crazy Land. In the 2 months between BD and my being able to move back home with son, I managed to go through a lifetime of belongs and get it narrowed down to three suitcases and 8 boxes that I brought back (I do miss the thousands of books I had *sigh* ). My condition at the time? Dealing with his daily emotional and verbal abuse (had found out about OW-he forgot I used to work for a PI a long time lol), the non-stop crying, the country’s culture and its contempt towards anyone foreign, and the ill health I had been suffering which is one of the reasons he allegedly couldn’t continue the marriage. But did it, got us across an ocean and to my parents. Could only stay with them a month so had a deadline to find a job, a place to live with a good school system and to help son adjust to life in his other country. And I did it . . . somehow lol Found a job with really good people where I can help others, son has adjusted so well he doesn’t want to live anywhere else, about to move into a bigger place where I can actually have my own bedroom (started with a one bedroom – good thing son and I like each other lol), divorce was final right before Christmas so mostly free of that insanity and the one big sign that I succeeded was a couple of days ago. Comment from S11 about the divorce – while he wishes it hadn’t happened he’s glad we’re not married anymore. When asked why, he said “You’re too good for him”

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago

Wow, just wow! So many amazing stories. All4freedom and others, they are just amazing stories. Full of dignity, bravery and unbelievable strength of character. (everything our cheating spouses aren’t).

I was going to post about how I managed to hold it together in a high stress job in those early days after Dday. It was awful and tough, but nothing like some of you have experienced.

As always, CL shows her wisdom. Having a demanding, high pressure life and/ or career can actually be a good distraction. I believe it actually helped me, to focus on other things and maintain my responsibilities.

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Okay. I’m a Dentist, private solo practice. Demanding but rewarding job that I love. On top of that, running the business, employing and managing staff, and trying to be a great father and husband.

I’m a general dentist in a regional area, so I do more than my fair share of more difficult treatment that others in the larger cities might refer. Patients don’t like to travel for treatment, they trust me, it’s just how it works here.
I do plenty of continuing education so that I can be competent and confident in what I’m doing.

1 year before Dday, I did a mentor program with a highly regarded Oral & Maxillofacial surgeon to learn how to place dental implants. It was great. She assisted me with my first 2 cases in theatre. After that. I started doing them myself. It was challenging, high stress, but very rewarding. Forward 1 year later: Dday. I had an elderly lady booked in 7 days later, to have 4 implants placed in her lower jaw to help hold her lower denture in.

I was a wreck after Dday. I managed to front to work, do the routine stuff,and get through the day okay. We’ve all been there, you just get through it. But at the end of that first week I had this case. Drilling titanium screws into someones jaw while they’re still awake (Local anaesthetic only) is high stress for all involved. But she had waited for this appointment and was obviously psych’d for it. I didn’t want to cancel her appointment.

All went very well. It’s amazing how we can handle pressure and perform when we have to. As others have said, it can in some ways help numb the pain that infidelity is, when you are forced to apply your thoughts and life to other things. I felt blessed then, and still feel the same now, that I had a quality life, beautiful children and caring family & friends to get me through.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Kraft

Yay Kraft, that is incredible!!

Kraft
Kraft
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks CL. I’m sure we all drove our cars and used sharp knives in the first week post Dday. ๐Ÿ™‚

Incidentally, that lady is in her 80’s, has a blue rinse stlye weekly and presents immaculately. She’s still going strong and loving her improved quality of life with her teeth, three and a half years later.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Kraft

That’s wonderful, Kraft! I love the story! Rural practice health care of any sort requires a great deal of flexibility and knowledge. That’s pretty mighty in and of itself, but being able to focus enough to perform oral surgery is extremely mighty!

Posy54
Posy54
9 years ago

My dd#1 was 2 days before my sons 3rd birthday in march 2012
I found out my 1st boyfriend/ husband of 22 years had been having a nearly 2 year affair with a 24 year old he met in a massage parlour. They had a secret child together. She went on the work trips that were ” too expensive ” for me & my child to go on. Lots of people knew.
My parents were coming from overseas for my sons birthday & a joint family holiday.
Somehow I got thru it. I was too ashamed to tell them & supposedly it was over. It was not dd#2. 2 months later. I had by this time done a lot of Pilates & yoga & therapy. I got thru it
Dd #3 1 week before Xmas . I finally had
Enough !!! I was too ashamed to tell my parents or friends . I got thru it
I told everyone in January. I can now see the shame isn’t mine & I think I am a better friend .

Posy54
Posy54
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

It’s in the process. I have hired forensic accountant & lawyer – getting ” robust ” advice cos I will be getting 25% of a very very valuable business.
The ow is just lovely : she was married then started working at massage parlour . Got pregnant very quickly to my 40+ yr old husband & passed the child off as her husbands till I found out & insisted on a DNA test . I am trying to get to meh but my child now has all these umm people in his life . It sucks . Her poor ex husbands family lost a child thru this nonsense. They know not what damage they do.
It helps that I am secretly banging an exceptionally hot successful kind hilarious cool dude. ( way way way cooler than STBXH ) I basically picked him up the 17 th dec 2012 & he is still around ( his ex wife cheated on him)
Is it a realatuonship- no !!! Is he substitute dad bla bla – oh hell no
Is it a reason to put mascara on & feel distracted ? Yep!!! Especially when x bangs on about how unattractive I am. ……
Did I feel schadenfreude when my x lost his beloved Porsche – yep.
Love your work CL
It really helps

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Posy54

Posy–You.Are.My.Hero.

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago
Reply to  Posy54

“I can now see the shame isnโ€™t mine & I think I am a better friend” I think that is the BIGGEST mind fuck we do to ourselves. We did something or didn’t do something so we are somehow responsible. The shame of having a jacked up abusive lying ass cheating pos. They start the training and we take over to finish it for them.
The more I let people know what he has done and continues to do, the more they understand. He was/is an exceptional narcissist. Poor him for being left like that, me planning it all out. Well, excuse me but his penis fell into a different woman’s vagina and his mind fucking verbally abusive controlling behavior didn’t quite work well enough to keep me in line for round 2.
The SHAME is on them. No shame and no guilt on you for HIS choices.
And btw, 99% sure Roy was taking SOMEONE on business trips/dinners. For 15 fucking years I went to 3 but he went 3 to 4 times every six months to something. I don’t know for sure and don’t even give a shit except that I want the money for the gd steak dinner! That is the part that pisses me off the most. We were “broke” we had “no” money We needed to “cut back” Well Roy, perhaps spending money on your fugly little bitch isn’t the best financial plan. On top of it, I have lost 50 lbs since June and NEEDED new jeans and I get snide comments at sporting events on “how did you pay for the new clothes” Well Roy, my guess would be I let our children eat bread and water for 3 days so I could steal the child support meant for them and lavish it upon myself. I didn’t sort through the clearance rack like I have always done and pay $10.80 for a pair of $70 pants. Nope, blew that money on myself. Monumental dick head.
You do see the irony of your x finding a whore at the massage parlor right? Holy crap.

Janet
Janet
9 years ago

Work has always been my rock; has gotten me through most of the worse times in my life. Put on the uniform, put on the attitude, it’s show time!

Janet
Janet
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

no cape CL but a mask!

Digbert
Digbert
9 years ago

I had DD1 (OW/just a friend) in August 2011 and was too ashamed to tell anyone but my best mate and stupidly did the pick me dance until DD2 just before Xmas when my XH walked out after 16 years. I never took a day off work or told my boss, work my only reason for getting up every day. I muddled through Xmas on my own (+ CAT) and got up the day after Xmas redecorated (painted and wallpapered) the two rooms that my lazy NPD/Sociopathic XH failed to do for 10+ years.

I booked a flight to Oz (I was in the UK) on Xmas Day as a present to myself and went there 3 mths later having been made redundant from my job. I stayed with my sister and got a job, sorted a visa and promptly got a flight back 3 mths later to tell my XH I was renting out our joint house and not selling it to suit him, so he would have to sort out himself.

I organised everything to protect my financial interest and packed up the house myself and sorted my beloved cat out ๐Ÿ™ (he is fine-with lovely new owners ‘cos he wouldn’t have survived the trip-too nervous) and got on another plane and started work back the Oz 24 hrs after arriving.

Since then I have just worked, and made myself get up everyday and get on with things. I bought a car and started driving, (had a massive phobia for 20 years despite having a driver licence) and now regularly clock 100Km a day for work, even got a speeding ticket! ๐Ÿ™‚ I moved into my own rental after a year living in a spare room at my sister’s house and most recently have taken delivery of all my own possessions after a year in storage, he wanted nothing other than furniture and TV. I just got all the photos and emotional stuff.

I filed and paid for divorce he so wanted after DD3 in Oct 2012 (via Skype, he was gonna come over – of course!!!) and my D came through a year to the day I landed here in July 2013.

I go out by myself, I eat in restaurants and go to concerts/cinema on my own, I enjoy it most of the time. I can spend a lazy Sunday gardening/lying on the beach reading or take the newspapers to the local wine bar and look at the sunset and thank my stars I never stayed put. I have been hardcore NC for 6 mths – and have forgiven myself for being stupid enough to have had faith in him and putting his needs before mine.

I miss my cat terribly and plan to rescue another one, and a dog! once I figure out what I am doing and whether I am staying. I am now on a quest to regain my creativity (I was an artist) which seemed to have gone on strike since this nightmare began!!!!!!

Somedays I feel like I have not done anything since DDay, but then I look around and realise I ain’t done too bad, could be worse, he could be still around. ๐Ÿ™‚

Digbert
Digbert
9 years ago

Forgot to mention I now have a bigger TV (he was obsessed with TV sizes) and better DVD player than XH, oh, and his (our) car blew up and died after he failed to maintain it after I left. My car runs just fine ๐Ÿ™‚

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My husband’s car had major problems and became undriveable THE DAY he left me. It made me like the car even more.

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

as my son said over our car fiasco when I had to get a car so Roy could have the family van and a company car… “I think dad got the shit end of the stick.” choke back a laugh and told him NOT to tell his dad that.
YOU ROCK! If xh ever contacts you again, just reply w the size of your tv, how great the dvd player is and dam! how your car is helping you get to the beach for relaxation time. Good job you!

An English Lady
An English Lady
9 years ago

Amazing people & stories. I love this site – thank you Chump Lady for creating it.

My D Day was Valentines Day 2003. I was working part-time and had a baby & a 3 year old. I did the “pick me” dance for about 6 months & didn’t finally get divorced until 2005.

My survival was driven by having to care for two tiny children and achieving financial security. I was made redundant shortly after D-Day, so I went self-employed for about two years & effectively ran my own consultancy. I re-thought my childcare and took on an au-pair, which gave me greater flexibility about the hours that I worked.

When you summarise 2 years of your life in a few lines, it is impossible to convey the awful misery and horrible sense of life as you thought it would be changing irrevocably.

I’m 11 years on from it now and I frequently remind myself that I am indeed “mighty”. I’ve raised 2 children by myself, while holding down a full-time job. One of my children is autistic, so it has been quite challenging at times (and still is sometimes). My ex-husband has been miserly in terms of his financial support & even less forthcoming in terms of parental support, so I have done the job of two people all by myself.

I’m still working on my own issues, the ones that made me pick ex-H in the first place, stay with him so long & then go on to have another dysfunctional long-term relationship thereafter. We’re not quite so therapy orientated here in the UK, so I’m still a work in progress – but definitely mighty all the same! ๐Ÿ™‚

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ditto THAT!!! Precious you!

echo
echo
9 years ago

NarcX made our little family move 5 times in 9 years (to 5 different states). He wasn’t happy with his computer jobs boohoo. I have to have a license to teach so there were a lot of hoops to jump through each time we relocated. One time My license came after we had moved on to the next state. I was kind of forced to be a sahm, but some how I prevailed, hung on to my career, and I am going to be in pretty good shape when I retire. AND the kids are all right!!

echo
echo
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hahaha! as a matter of fact he has!

RecoveringHoper
RecoveringHoper
9 years ago

After reading many of these stories mine doesn’t hold a candle to the single-parents and people who’ve been devastated financially by their horrible partners.

My first D-Day was mid August, I had another revealing of my “almost ex-wife’s” betrayal on Aug 28. After trying to reconcile and figure out how to wrap my brain around this I got up and went to work every day. I was honest with my co-workers and was able to function quite okay at the office. I was picked to interview for a promotion and was able to earn that job all the while going through this mess. The job doesn’t replace what I thought I had at home, but it gives me pride to get my butt out of bed in the morning and “put my shoes on.”

This site is what I read first most mornings, it reminds me that I matter and that She Sucks. My life will be better without her and that I don’t have to settle.

Thanks a million, CL!

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago

I met the OW last week. It wasn’t planned; it was a spur of the moment event. My ex (46 yo) and she (24 yo) have been together for a year now; he and I have been legally separated for 7 months. I didn’t find out about her until I did my research last May. They first met while she was a freshman at the university where he teaches.

With tears in her eyes, she apologized for hurting me, but she didn’t know that he was married. “Are you still mad at me for that?” she asked. When he told her, she had already fallen madly in love with him and it was too late to back out citing that she felt like she couldn’t live without him. I didn’t buy her disingenuous apology. She then proceeded to tell me of all the affairs he had while we were still married. Some individuals I knew, some I didn’t. “He tells me he’s monogamous and loyal, but I don’t believe it,” she confessed. “But he also tells me that I am the one that could make him change his ways.” I laughed inside. I laughed even harder when she invited me to dinner at their place that night and when I declined, she invited me to spend the night sometime soon. Oh, the delusion.

After complimenting me of my beauty, she asked me, “Does he still give you the indication that he wants you back?” I was stunned and I felt sorry for her. The poor girl is naive and malleable. She doesn’t know what’s coming to her. My ex and she kissed each other goodbye and told each other “I love you.” Again, I laughed inside. The blatant disrespect continues, but it was more a reflection of their delusion and lack of character.

I never knew I could get to this place of acceptance and civility toward the other girl. I’m glad I met her, but even gladder that she met me because now she knows just how mighty this chump is. Without choking the shit out of her and “telling her off,” I believe I came out of that interaction a chumpion.

I’m taking my journey to freedom step by step. I’m finishing my master’s in May and most importantly, my son is doing better than I expected. That’s all I can ask for.

DoneNow
DoneNow
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

So glad I read this. We have exactly the same story, same timeline, same screwed up 24 year old, except I haven’t met the OW yet. I’m sure I will have to soon. Thanks for helping me to see it through your eyes. Maybe I’ll be better prepared when it happens. I won’t be surprised (but my children will) if he just shows up married to her one day without telling anyone about it. Meeting her will be a big challenge. I don’t even know if she knows he was married when they met or not.

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

Holy crap. I don’t think I could’ve had that conversation without losing my sanity. Did you ever see “Hi Fidelity” with John Cusack? His girlfriend leaves him for Tim Robbins character. They meet at some point and Cusack’s character has some pretty funny fantasies about how the conversation would go. Of course, he ended up being civil.

You’re a mightier chump than me.

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

no, but i will see it now. i lost my sanity when this all started and fantasized of ways to hurt both of them. i just recently got it back and was only confirmed by my meeting with the OW. though i’ve been told i was insane to even meet with her, but to go to lunch with her was on another level of crazy.

Nat1
Nat1
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The OW in my case was 22, he was 49 at that point. My eldest daughter was 16, they could be sisters. They now have a baby and have moved away interstate. Her facebook picture was of the 3 of them and a message ” happy christmas from the I*** family”. Though there were no christmas wishes from dad or grandma for the real I*** family! They are not married yet. He has not told my kids about getting married though supposedly some time this year. They have never met her. He does not mention their baby half brother. It may or may not end well but if it were me I might be wondering whether he was embarrassed or just ashamed of me to not introduce to his kids.

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

geez, louise! my ex has a 20 year-old daughter and a 22 year-old son who was born with cerebral palsy. my ex has a relationship with his daughter, but abandoned his son when he was very young. the ow inadvertently admitted to me that my ex and his daughter don’t have a typical father/daughter relationship, which i already knew. she complained that when they’re all out together, people usually mistake the father and daughter as being married and my son to be their child. hah! nat1, just sit back and trust that your ex sucks and so does his child bride. by speaking to the ow, i realized that the relationship my ex portrays is nothing but an illusion of grandeur. neither of us should worry about what they’re doing or why they’re doing what they’re doing. they are douchebags and that’s all there is to it.

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL, thanks. “I feel sorry for her, even though sheโ€™s an idiot.” That is precisely why I felt validated/rejuvenated/illuminated after the meeting. I forgot to mention that I agreed to have lunch with her and my son after our initial meeting on the same day, just the three of us. She paid with his bank card. Hah! They are perfect for each other. They’re both delusional, amoral, selfish and insecure. She also confessed that she cheated on her fiancee to be with my ex. I genuinely am so glad she has him to worry about now.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

I have real visions of the karma bus with this one. Sure, the OW sounds like a totally delusional idiot, but she’s also an amoral, total delusional idiot. Odds are that neither she nor your X will handle the discovery of the other’s infidelity (because you know it’s going to happen) very well.

And certainly not as classy as you handled your encounter.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

“Without choking the shit out of her and โ€œtelling her off,โ€ I believe I came out of that interaction a chumpion.”
I hope I can pull off such a classy act when confronted with the (still married) affair partner he wants to settle down with! Until now she has wisely stayed away, think she’s afraid of me or my reactions. A non-reaction like yours is what I hope to give, benignly smiling my knowing smile. Mona Lisa and you I will be channeling! ๐Ÿ™‚

Chumpion
Chumpion
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

I think part of this girl’s ulterior motive was to hurt me further by disclosing some information about his infidelity with the illusion of “can’t we all just get along [for the sake of your son]?” If I wasn’t sure that I could remain well-behaved then I wouldn’t have agreed to officially meet her. The fact that I wasn’t bothered by her probably drove my ex crazy. This is a guy who “accidentally” left a tube of lube with strands of her hair all over it on top of my dining table. So, if I were you, no contact would be the way to go for now. But when you’re ready, by all means channel whatever inspires you to become who you want to be for that moment. It will drive them mad!!!

Jodi
Jodi
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

My ex wanted me to be best friends with the skank. She then took it off her own back to start to text me saying how I’ve hurt her man over and over and that I need to grow up and become a better person!!! WTF!!! I am totally sure that she thought about being a better person when she was fucking my husband and cheating on hers.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Jodi

Oh gag Jodi, that is absolutely ridiculous! I hope you blocked her texts after that.

Jodi
Jodi
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I sure did Lyn. Blocked everything, facebook, texts. They both don’t like it very much that I have grown stronger and actually stood up to them. ๐Ÿ™‚

Helen
Helen
9 years ago

I’m not quite 6 months out from DD#1 and currently “reconciling”, though not living together and he’s still seeing OW. Crazy, I know. I guess DD #2 was less than 48 hours ago when I busted him again despite couples and individual therapy and promises it was over. It still hurts like hell and I don’t want to get out of bed most days. I’d say I do it for my kids but honestly they eat cereal and fend for themselves most days. When will I feel mighty?

Helen
Helen
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

He actually moved out and filed the divorce at her insistence two months before DD#1, because he didn’t want to be married anymore but didn’t know why. Ha. I found out about her after we were separated and it was filed. Pick me started, in November he “picked me” by stopping the divorce, saying he would dump her and starting therapy. And here we are. Point was, I have an attorney, it’s filed, the attorneys are just sitting around waiting for us to tell them what to do next. They think we’re reconciling. I’m still a chump.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Helen

Been there, took me almost six months, many deadlines he broke (he also “picked me”, never bothering to stop contacting her) and believe me, the moment I unchumped I started my recovery. The road from chump to champion is so much better than being stuck in cheaterville!

And my kids? Much better now, at least they have one trustworthy and much fitter and happier parent now. Looking back I was barely hanging on, not much of a parent. ๐Ÿ™

Helen
Helen
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

We’ve had 3 missed deadlines now too. And I’ve been a sucky mom through it all.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Helen

The final straw? Realizing that holding on to something that was only there in my mind was not helping my children. He was not going to change, so if I wanted change, there was only one option.

It was scary, so scary, but the love for my children that made me fight for my marriage was the same that pulled me through divorce.

That moment, that straw, is different for everyone. I had to hit rock bottom, had to know I gave it my all, that I was not to blame (even if there was a 1% chance I would have tried, but this site learned me I was chasing unicorns).

Don’t blame yourself for trying, but let those missed deadlines and broken promises speak louder than fear for the unknown.

kb
kb
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Helen:

This is awful for you, but he’s shown he’s not interested in truly reconciling. Real reconciliation means that he has to make effort. That he’s still seeing OW, missing deadlines, and in general trying to draw things out tells you that he’s truly not interested in reconciliation.

Instead, he’s playing you. He knows that he has you on the hook, that he can tell you that he’s sorry, and then continue as before.

File, divorce his sorry ass, and get therapy from someone who’s experienced with abuse survivors, because that is what you are and you will need someone who knows what they’re doing to help you get through this.

Helen
Helen
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Thank you. This is so, so difficult.

Helen
Helen
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

How did you do it? What was your final straw? He has done some serious disordered mindfucked cruel things to me and I keep thinking, “this will be it” but I can’t quite get over that hump. I keep hoping he will see the light and not do this to his wife and 3 young kids.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Helen

Oh boy, Helen, I know that one too. It is insult to injury. My moment was a sort of George Bush one: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…

and now I am quite sure I have no need to tolerate any more disrespect. Do I want to get divorced and go through this? NO. Do I want to sell our hard earned marital assets because of his insanity? NO. But it is happening.

There is a calm and a peace on the other side, when you give up hoping.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
9 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

. My moment was a sort of George Bush one: fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twiceโ€ฆ

Side note: This is a Russian proverb that concludes “Fool me twice, shame on me”, not with the title of a Who song “Won’t get fooled again” per GW.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Helen

Helen,

I know how you feel. I really do. I’ve felt like you felt – that at any moment your H is going to see the error of his ways, dump the side piece and come back to you on his knees begging for your forgiveness and promising to love you forever. Even if he did that, ask yourself if you could ever trust him again. He has lied to you, betrayed you and hurt you and your children beyond anything. Besides whatever material comforts his presence in your life might be able to afford you, what else will his presence in your day-to-day life net you? Will you ever be able to believe anything he tells you? Do you want to live like that, always having to doubt, maybe never being able to trust? This man is not your friend. Do your friends lie to you, deceive you or betray you? As a friend, would you do that?

I almost committed suicide when I realized my marriage was over. I loved my Cheater’s footsteps. Unfortunately, we were both in love with him. The problem was, no one was in love with me. I will repeat the line from a book I read – “Love is a behavior.” What is loving about your husband’s behavior?

You are mourning Helen. Even when we are mourning, we must muster the strength to bury what is dead. Start slowly, forcing yourself to focus on yourself and your children. Stop making someone a priority who has treated you (and his children) as an option. It is not easy, but for your survival and ultimate happiness, it is necessary. If you want to live your best life, you will have to let go of the life you thought you had and create a new life that you didn’t even know you wanted.

(((HUGS))) to you Helen. You really can do it. You just have to begin . . .

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

“Unfortunately, we were both in love with him. The problem was, no one was in love with me”. BEST QUOTE EVER! I can so relate and I am sure many of us here can.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Helen

Unchump yourself, pick up the phone and tell your lawyer the divorce is on – officially separate. Feel the power, I know you can do it. Jedi Hugs!

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago

I am six and a half weeks out from a totally blind-siding d-day after a twenty year marriage (it’s our twenty year anniversary in exactly two weeks). I am a senior executive in an important government department and when I fell apart and told my boss and direct reports, they immediately folded themselves around me and told me to focus on looking after myself and the kids and that they would keep things running. In the few weeks I have been back at work they have consistently supported me and told me it is because of the support I have shown them in difficult times. I have been approached by a number of junior staff from other areas seeking to work in my area because of my good reputation as a people manager.

I have kept myself sane and sober for my kids. I have left them alone when they needed to be left alone and made sure they know I am there for them when they need to talk. I have been honest with them about my feelings but told them I will never prevent them from seeing their father when they want to. I have put their interests first and formost and changed my working style to make sure I am home at a sensible time each evening and able to give them a home cooked dinner and talk about their days.

I have cleaned my house nearly from top to bottom and worked to make it a tidy, calm, serene and reassuring place so that they feel safe and cared for. I have started buying myself a small bunch of flowers every week which makes our house feel welcoming and fresh and I hope helps to reassure them that there is still beauty and stability in life.

I have drawn on the strength of my friends and family to stop myself from drawing strength and familiarity from my husband. I have kicked him out immediately but agreed to pay his rent in recognition that I was the primary earner and he stayed home to look after the kids.

I have resisted the urge to demean myself by splattering my feelings on Facebook or denigrate him or the aging married skank he has been fucking for a year (except privately yo the friends I can trust).

I have dismantled our marriage bed by myself and dragged it up two flights of stairs so that it was waiting for him when he came back to pick up his stuff. I have ordered and assembled a new bed for myself (with power tools and the unexpected discovery of his secret stash of flavoured condoms in the garage) and re-arranged my bedroom so it is mine, not his, and has no remaining trace of him or the aging skank.

I am still in very early days and take two steps forward, one step back, but I am so grateful that I found this site to give me strength and remind me that things get better. You all inspire and amaze me. Thank you.

Rosie Boa
Rosie Boa
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Hahaha – great idea (eeeeuww!).

Thanks for the welcome and for this site. I found it not long after d-day and it has helped me immensely to process the total mind-fuck of it all. Meh is a long long way off but when I lie in my new bed at night I sometimes feel a strange and wonderful sense of peace that I can only think will grow stronger over time.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago

Wow, just….wow….these stories are simply awesome and inspiring and humbling. I started commenting on each one of them but realized I would be here all day. You guys absolutely rock.

My D-Day came after 25 years of marriage, to a charming and “loving” father and “family man” who told me and everyone else we knew how much he adored me every single day. I found out on D-day that he had been cheating on me for at least 15 years with 2 co-workers who were also family friends– unprotected group sex, individual affairs, gas-lighting to the extreme.

I am a lawyer, but not a divorce attorney. On D-day, as soon as ex left for work, I lined up my divorce lawyer and had her start drafting the complaint. I went to work and told my partners, who were beyond stunned and supportive. I told everyone, and I mean everyone I felt like telling. As Nord has stated, their horrified reaction as well as unhesitating support was therapeutic.

I made more money than my ex and would have owed him significant alimony. So I read articles on how to manipulate a narcissist or sociopath and consulted with a colleague who has experience dealing with them. My ex gave up alimony while I acted weak and needy and oh-so-grateful for his “help” and “advice” at this difficult time (ex loved being my savior and destructor all at once, plus he thought his consulting business would soon be “taking off” and for the first time in his life he’d make his own money…riiiiiight).

I remortgaged our family home in my name. I sold our beach-side vacation home despite loving it better than any place on earth. I kicked ass at work and had my best years ever since. I stopped drinking, realizing that I no longer felt like numbing myself. I got a divorce in 4 months from D-Day, and I danced when the decree came through (to the song “You’re a Lie” ). After the divorce I went NC. Ex discarded our children (S25, D20, S14) and has no relationship with them at all, so I do it all for them.

I have to admit the betrayal was hard to process. I was stunned, sad, sobbing at times. I went to counseling for quite a while, and realized that I had symptoms of post traumatic stress disorder. I would have to reason with myself for a few seconds every time I remembered what he did–“yes Kelly, he did cheat on you, no Kelly he did not love you and was pretending, yes Kelly he is gone”. What helped? Journaling, work, friends and family, counseling, for me also listening to angry or empowering songs (I discovered I- tunes, and for 2014 got a whole new more upbeat selection).

I achieved Meh literally on a Tuesday. I was flying home from depositions in Orlando when I suddenly realized that I was always the successful wage earner, that I was the reliable and supportive parent, that I was the smarter and stronger and better person, and that I let him fool me because I did not trust myself and trust in myself enough, and because I so desperately wanted to believe him. Somehow that was freeing, and I achieved Meh.

I believed that my life was ruined, and that I would never marry or even love again. But then I decided that I’d be damned if that was going to be the last story in my romantic life. I went on a date with my brother’s best friend and best man in his wedding. The differences between him and my ex were incredible to me but I am sure normal stuff for people who are not chumps. I never realized how shallow my connection to my ex was, how shallow he was, until I saw the difference.

My fiance and I are getting married on June 28. I have never had the kind of love, relationship and support I have with him. What my ex did to me will always be there but it is fading. I still sometimes wonder about it, or wish he would at least regret what he’s done, but not often anymore. With a few bumps, my kids have continued to do well.

Until I found CL, which was around the time I started dating my fiance, I did not have a way to view what happened to me, to verbalize it, to process it, and to deal with it. CL and ChumpNation have helped get me to where I am today.

(((Hugs))) to all of you. We are MIGHTY.

Patsy
Patsy
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Oh, Kelly, what a story! Wow, thanks for posting.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Thanks Patsy!

Jodi
Jodi
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

You go girl ๐Ÿ™‚ that is such a great story. You are an amazing lady.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Jodi

Thanks Jodi. My experience has given me such compassion for my fellow chumps though, especially housewives or those who made very little compared to their spouse. It was fairly easy for me to toss my dead-ass ex out of the home when I knew I could afford it without him. It was relatively simple to file for a divorce I knew I could pay for. It would be a nightmare to wonder if I could come up with the mortgage, to pray the child support comes, or to be stuck in limbo because I didn’t have the legal fees to get the divorce finalized. The women (or men) who have to do all of that (and who aren’t in orange jump suits on cell block B), are the real heroes (and sheroes), and the mightiest of all.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I’ll definitely send pics, CL. Wedding is June 28. I think our children (we each have 3) will be standing up for us, but my brother will be there standing proud. My nephews always called my fiance “Uncle” (he was also godfather to the oldest nephew), and now he’ll be married to their Aunt. Sort of cool!!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

I love your story, Kelly. You and I have quite a few similarities between our ex freaks, what depraved monsters they are! I love how strong you are to have overcome all the nightmare you experienced, and your story has a happy ending! Hooray!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Thank you so much Glad. You and everyone here have given me such strength. And yes, our exes appear to have been separated at birth.

Maria
Maria
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

I’m so happy for you Kelly. Can you be able to direct me to the books, articles that you read on how to deal with a narc and sociopath?

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Maria

Maria, the first book a friend directed me to was by Sam Vakin, called Malignant Self-Love. Boy was that insightful. Vakin is a self-professed narcissist, and so much made sense when I read it. He does address manipulating the narcissist here: http://samvak.tripod.com/narcissistgullible.html and I remember reading that. I read everything I could get my hands on in Amazon and on the internet. It just helped me to “study” it. I truly think my ex is more of a sociopath because he does not seem to carry the anger and lack of control of a narcissist when challenged (just my humble viewpoint, but I digress).

This following article, however, was one I printed out, highlighted, and used to craft emails to my ex, and guide my conversations with him:
http://www.cheating-infidelity.com/Home/narcissism/how-to-manipulate-narcissist.html

After all my reading, what I realized was that I was no longer “of use” to my ex because I was an attorney, he was scared of me, he knew that he had been found out and the news ripped through our community like a class 5 tornado, and there was no chance we ever could or would get back together. So I tried to figure out how I could still become “of use” to him again, and realized that he was a “hero-narcissist,” wanting to look good, wanting to be superior, and I could give him ego kibbles acting weak and needy, so that’s what I did. It was stunning at the beginning that he believed it, and scary too.

Some of the emails and conversations I had with him were nauseating: “I…(sob, sob)…just need you to help me through this (gasp), you were the only man I’ve ever loved and I don’t think I can make it without your help…..Oh my goodness, I can’t breathe, I’m having a panic attack knowing you will no longer be in my life….If I have to pay you alimony I won’t be able to put (daughter) through college and I’ll have a nervous breakdown, I know my partners won’t be patient with that and I’ll lose my job, (snot bubbles)…..you are the only person I can trust somehow, please help me…..”

Bleck! I felt like a monster myself and if my divorce had not come quickly I could not have kept it up. I also negotiated my divorce myself after my lawyer drew up the Settlement Agreement. I knew my ex would be put off if anyone else looked at him like he was a bad man, and that he had to be made to feel he was the smartest and most noble person in the room. I would actually pretend I didn’t understand certain clauses and let him explain them to me. Sheesh!!!

Some Chumps, like Nord, say that that type of weakness was completely the WRONG way to handle their exes. It was a process of trial and error for me. At first I was disgusted, nasty and tough and he turned back into the cold-eyed monster he had become on D-Day. After I read these articles, I tried sweet, soft, needy, adoring, and kibble-throwing and it worked. He’d then tell me how good he looked, how much weight he lost, and I’d agree. He’d tell me he really HAD been a good husband because of x, y and z, and I’d say “you’re right” (never in writing). Once in a while I’d fall off the wagon and lose my shit with him, and then I’d abjectly apologize (with more sorrow than he ever expressed for cheating on me!), to try to keep him under control.

It was draining, Maria, because all I wanted to do was scream at him and express my fury. And it was terrifying, because to me it was like dancing with the devil.

As an attorney, I knew not to fight over certain things, and he got a chunk of my retirement money, some money up front, a car, etc. But in the end, it was worth it for me, because he gave up alimony and I got my divorce very quickly, something I desperately needed for my own sanity. And whether you manipulate him or not, just understanding these types of monsters really helped me understand what had just happened to me.

(((Hugs)))

river
river
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

This line jumps out at me “(he) told me and everyone else we knew how much he adored me every single day.” Funny how what most people see as a show of true love, we chumps now see as a red flag. Here’s to hard-won wisdom.

Hooray for you! Hooray for your engagement! And hooray for Tuesday Meh!

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  river

Ain’t this the truth! All my friends thought he adored me, even the guy at the local drug store remarked to me once that my husband “sure is crazy about you.”

Yeah, sure he was.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Thanks River and Rumblekitty. Yes, as Maria said, I had everyone from the hairdresser to the man who cut our lawn admiring just how much my husband loved me, how proud he was of me. You can imagine their reaction when I told them the post D-Day revelations—they felt betrayed and played too. My ex is now pretty much in exile, won’t show up in our community, his and my “hometown” and place he thought he had been the king because he was the star quarterback in high school. But ah, that’s another part of the story that would take way too long to analyze.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Our friends felt the same way, some cried and some had nightmares after they heard about D-day. Ex had us all fooled…

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes Lynn, my siblings are the same way, blown away, can’t believe what he did, wondering who the man was at every family function for 25 years. It has caused trauma to them too.

thirstyfish
thirstyfish
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Thanks for the Post Kelly. I’m no where near Tuesday but I know it’s coming. I am of no use in a romance now, but maybe someday I can stick my toe back in. I am not lonely though. I am too busy in therapy, job, and single dad life to feel lonely. But, your post caused me to think that I may find someone who is authentic and is genuine in their relations.

Until then, chop wood carry water.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  thirstyfish

You will thirsty, there are good people out there when you are ready.

river
river
9 years ago

I filed for divorce the morning after d-day (May 23, 2012), selling my engagement and wedding rings for the cash to pay for the filing. I moved out of the shared house a month later, and I started nursing school three months post d-day. Went NC, made wonderful new friends and had a fantastic year. Recently, I found the exact job I want in a town two hours away. I am in the process of buying a cute little house just for me (down payment courtesy of my divorce settlement). So, within the span of two years, I have a new career in a new home, with new and old friends all around me.

During my marriage, I had felt so incredibly lonely. I felt that I was always on the outside of life looking in. I also had an inner voice that told me that I was not liked by people, and that is why I was so alone. Now my life is so full, and that negative voice has completely disappeared.

Oh, and last week I actually ran into XH at the grocery store parking lot! There was a time that I lived in fear of that. My heart would race if I saw a vehicle like his on the road, and I would be a total wreck for 15 minutes afterwards. But I was totally calm and collected during our grocery store meeting. It was like running into an old neighbor; you are courteous but not warm or friendly. We spoke for about two minutes, and he actually had the nerve to ask me to go to lunch sometime! I smiled and said “No, I don’t think so, but you take care” then got in the car and drove off. That was my moment of meh, and honest to God it was on Tuesday.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
9 years ago
Reply to  river

I love this: “I smiled and said ‘No, I donโ€™t think so, but you take care’ then got in the car and drove off. That was my moment of meh, and honest to God it was on Tuesday.”

Congrats on reaching the land of meh!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  river

YAYAYAYAY!

AHA
AHA
9 years ago

I am sticking to my guns and am finally making the job change I always wanted. I am leaving a high paying consulting job in the DC area for my dream job that I have wanted for the last 20 years. I am taking a 50% pay cut, but don’t get me wrong, I won’t be poor. I will just be happier. The kids are young adults now and no longer depend on momy’s paycheck. As for their daddy, well time for him to learn what it means to work and earn a living

AHA
AHA
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Now that they have come to the better parts of DC …

MN Moved On
MN Moved On
9 years ago

I feel like Mighty Mouse because:
-I did all my divorce work pro se and ended up paying less than $400 for the whole thing, all in court fees
-I refinanced the house, bought him out, and own it free and clear
-I now earn nearly twice as much as I did before I kicked him out
-I got my oldest daughter through college and into grad school. Without loans.
-I got my youngest launched into college. And I’m paying the tuition myself.
-I reconnected with an old friend whose wife had died, and after two years of dating, we are now engaged (I got a ring in my Christmas stocking this year! Woot!) He is the antithesis of my XH – kind, patient, supportive, honest, loving
-I bought power tools!!!! With my new partner, I’ve replaced every damn appliance in the house, learned how to use a miter saw, put up crown molding. I can use a circular saw, a drill, and a toilet snake, among others. And I bought myself a chainsaw for Christmas!
-I’ve mastered the art of mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, hanging Christmas lights and using a snow blower, things I’d never done in my life.
-I now sleep through the night. Every night.
-Sex is awesome… Just saying.
-I cut my hair, got highlights, bought sexy underwear, and paint my nails. I hadn’t done anything about myself and my own appearance for a decade before.

You are NEVER too old for happily ever after!

Jamberry
Jamberry
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

Holy shit! I am bowing as I type! Awesome!!!!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

Incredible, MN, you go girl!! Reading that makes me smile!!!!

river
river
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

Wow, nice work!

MN Moved On
MN Moved On
9 years ago
Reply to  river

Thank you! I feel about 185 pounds lighter now that I’ve completely shed the XH.

SingleAndFree
SingleAndFree
9 years ago
Reply to  MN Moved On

MN Moved On,
You ARE mighty!! ๐Ÿ™‚

SingleAndFree
SingleAndFree
9 years ago

These are truly amazing stories. Reading them all, I am so proud of everyone here. I think being humble is a big part of being a “chump”. We don’t think much of ourselves and being with an emotionally abusive, cheating and/or narcissist does little for our self esteem.
I was a stay-at-home mom after having kids. My “x” and I agreed on that and I was very grateful for it. I started an in-house daycare to be able to stay home and bring in extra income. Looking back it was hard work…but I gave myself little credit because my “x” always told how easy I had it. I did that for about six years. Just like everyone else here…I was devastated on D-Day. Shakes, vomiting, insomnia…and four children that needed me. He moved in with this girlfriend and I managed to keep things together in my house and with my kids. I remember I would smile and reassure them while making breakfast and as soon as they got on the bus I would come home, collapse on the floor and just cry and cry. I never felt so wounded….but at the same time I recognize that as much as it hurt like hell….I “felt”…I was alive…..and I would rather feel pain than feel nothing at all. I had to keep consciously reminding myself of that.

Like other chumps I tried to reconcile (he loved cake)…did the “pick-me” dance….and I had to realize that he is what he is…it was what it was…….and I needed to get off the toxic merry-go-round. It was the saddest, scariest thing I have ever done. I was with my “x” for 19 years and didn’t date much…he was pretty much all I knew.

I was always interested in nursing….so I got myself a job as a patient care tech in local trauma center working in the ED….I went back to college and I’m halfway to my RN/BSN. I plan on going forward for an advanced degree. When I’m in the trauma bay being part of a team that works to save lives….I can’t tell you how it makes me feel. I’m honored to be able to be a part of that….I told my co-workers my story and they supported me in so many ways. I also found that I worked with many other “chumps” that have gone through this shit only to find happier lives…we have grown close.

I’m hungry….and it feels good to be so hungry…it’s a healthy “hungry”…and I don’t need any unhealthy relationships to feed that hunger…it’s ME….I am so determined to develop myself professionally doing something that I love so much….and I’m proud to show my kids that life will hand you it’s challenges but you can work hard to make something good come out of something bad. To show my sons and my daughter how to treat a spouse and how to walk away if abused.

I will never forget when one day during a meeting….my nursing director was praising me on a particular case I was in….she said to me, “Tina…I want you to make me a promise….ten years from now when you are running your own unit…..I want you to contact your loser ex-husband and thank him for leaving you….because it’s the best thing that man has ever done for you…” Wow…… LMAO…..she’s right!!!! Ha!!!
Chumps….our spouses and partners did us dirty….they hurt us in ways we never thought possible….but let it remind you that you’re still very much alive…..in the end…they were only holding us down…… Time to spread our wings….you’re all such an amazing group!!

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago

Not sure if this counts, but I did manage to settle with Mr Fab out of court, got him to pay an appropriate maintenance, sold one house, in the process of buying him out of another, got my girl into therapy, and have managed to move 6000 miles away from Mr Fab and the Downgrade.

All while getting the silent treatment, taking further abuse from his family, and holding down four jobs, in the space of a year.

Actually, when I put it that way, it does make me feel pretty mighty!

Mehphista
Mehphista
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks, CL,

Chump Nation is indeed mighty! Still need to get a job, driving license, car, place to live, but after the year me and DD have had, that should be a peice of cake. Seeing her smile, and walk taller every day. And no fresh cuts…..our new theme song is ‘Fuck you’ by Lily Allen.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago

Iโ€™m sitting here at work, two months out from D-day. I made sure everybody knows what Iโ€™m going through, even though I was surprised to hear that some of them hadnโ€™t even noticed a change in me. (Iโ€™m a good secret crier I guess.)

I didnโ€™t get the chance to do the Pick me dance, or false reconciliation. Literally, I went from hearing how much my husband loved me every day, to finding out he was having an affair for 5 months and was leaving me. He filed for divorce and Iโ€™ve just been trying to process everything. He has zero concern for what heโ€™s done; and in typical cheater fashion, tries to reverse things and blame me, or makes up issues we never had, or actively tries to rewrite our marital history. My therapist says heโ€™s obviously got a personality disorder, and I have to agree. I think every bouquet of flowers I got, and every piece of jewelry that was given to me was used as a cover for all his exploits, and turns out there were many.

I donโ€™t know if I will be able to stay in this house because I donโ€™t know if I can get financing, although heโ€™s quit claimed the place to me without me even being on the mortgage. I suppose it will all be settled by the judge and I will accept whatever they decide. I’m not going to let this decision hold me back from getting my life on track.

I donโ€™t feel mighty very often, I feel like an exposed nerve. But I did manage to get a therapist, Xanax, and Prozac within the first week. I go to work every day. I cry when I need to and read as much as I can to boost myself up. I sleep a lot, and try to be nice to myself. Iโ€™m going for sobriety starting today, and will concentrate on trying to eat more. Iโ€™ve lost 33 lbs in two months, so Iโ€™m exhausted much of the time and feel like my head is in a bag.

I do feel mighty in that I am not begging for his return. Iโ€™m still standing, still breathing, and have to believe that this happened for a reason and that there will be better things in my life once I am free of this nightmare. This is a shoe that has been waiting to drop for a long time, and now that it has, I can go forward. I am sad, but I am also relieved that itโ€™s happened, and that I donโ€™t have to see him ever again.

This site probably is the single most inspiring place I visit, so thanks for being here. It is truly lifesaving.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks CL, Queen Mother and Protector of chumplings every where. Your site has really helped me, even when I think this pain is bottomless.

Lyn
Lyn
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty you are doing great! The fact that you are still breathing, putting one foot in front of the other is huge! You are doing all the right things to help yourself, and you are not alone. Everyone here understands the pain you are going through and we’re here to support you until you feel better.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Thank you friend . . . I went through a whole box of Kleenex today because of you guys and it felt good. ๐Ÿ™‚

all4freedom
all4freedom
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Rumblekitty
I am trying to get my jackhole, Roy, to quit claim on our 2nd house, first is being foreclosed. He likes to rewrite history too. Like, he WAITED AND WAITED to have kids and LOVED me so much he wanted them with me. UH, what about the baby you lost at just shy of 6 months with your xwife?
I am scared to death to have the house all to my self but at the same time, I planned it out this way. Its the frickin teeter totter of standing on your own. I can do this, no I can’t.
Today he fed the 7 year old a shit sandwich picking the kids up for visitation. 7 yo missed 4 on his practice test at school the week b4 xmas. today he got 110%, all correct plus the bonus. 7 yo was excited to tell him, roy said, well that is better than the last one. stupid dumb shit fuck. I looked at roy (normally I do NC) and said, well after that shit sandwich you don’t need to feed him dinner. then I walked back in the house. didn’t even care to be nice today. stupid jackhole.
Good days, bad days, we all have them and we survive.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

Hang in there RumbleKitty, it does get better. These are terrible early days for you, there is no way around them, only through. You have taken steps forward, realize that, celebrate that, and keep going. (((HUGE HUGS))))

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

I gave you an awkward, tear drenching hug back. (Sorry for messing up your sweater.) ๐Ÿ™‚

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
9 years ago
Reply to  Rumblekitty

It’s early days Rumblekitty, trust that you are MIGHTY, right now you in doing the hardest part. I went through similar with lost weight, PTSD, therapy and drinking too much. Find a thing that makes you smile or laugh at least once a day. Remind yourself how peaceful coming home is. Do your therapy work on yourself, not just the hour you see the therapist. Jedi Hugs Mighty Rumblekitty !

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
9 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Awe thank you – you gave me mighty tears. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I’m trying. The house issue has me stressed, and I’ll probably have to give up my animals if I have to rent. I can only do what is possible. I need to stop worrying about the future and worry about right now.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago

So many incredible people with so much resilience and fortitude. It is humbling and awe-inspiring to hear your stories of not only surviving but thriving.

It has been about 12 months since DDay and almost a year since I moved out after years (25-plus) of covert emotional abuse. I have not considered myself mighty (I will have to marinate on that), just determined that there are some meals made entirely of shit on which I am no longer willing to dine. I barely took any time off from work, even when I felt that I was on the verge of a breakdown. I knew I needed that one area of consistency, as everything else was in chaos. The couple of people at work who knew what I was going through were extremely supportive. I have continued to parent my still somewhat dependent but legally adult children and they are just now beginning to think of my tiny apartment as their new “home.” I have once again started baking and listening to my music, two things I enjoyed doing which I had been unable to do because of the trauma. One of the first things I did when I moved to my new place was to volunteer locally because I figured was one of the quickest ways out of my own pain was to help someone else. I have a regular once a month gig, plus I was able to do two cancer walks before the weather intervened. It has been a year of reconnecting with friends, but mostly with myself and things I had forgotten that I valued.

I didn’t know how edgy and frantic I was living with the STBX until I began to experience the tranquility of living without him in my head and my space. These days, as he tries to bully me into quickly “settling” the divorce, all on his terms and to my total deteriment, I ignore him. When he refused to pay certain expenses related to our youngest child who is still in school while spending lavishly on his OW? Petitioned the court, using his spending on the OW as evidence of his ability to pay. I believe the top of his head may have exploded, as he was not anticipating that I would go on the offense in anything. There was a time I would have been afraid to stand up to any of his behavior (especially the last few years) for fear of his reaction and him “not liking” me. Now I am well aware that there is going to be a negative reaction, but I can’t and don’t care about that. Fuck that Guy (in his ass with a walrus’ dick). Am I being buffeted by the foul and ill winds of his passive-aggressive narcissism? All the time. Am I allowing him to blow me over any more? Nope. I cannot control the outcome, but I can fight hard for what I know is right and I intend to continue to do so.

Maybe at the end of the day, that is what being Mighty is all about, which makes all of us pretty mighty. Chumps tend to do what needs to get done, in spite of the odds, no matter the obstacles.

CL, you may never fully know the service and healing you have provided for people like me. I know we tell you all the time how valuable this spot is, but you (and this group of precious Chumps) literally helped to save my life and lead me toward truth and peace. I thank you for that.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

Princess, standing up for yourself as you did IS mighty (and I burst out laughing, scaring my sleeping puppy, when I saw your reference to the walrus dick). You have a wonderful way with words, and have brought a smile to my face (or more often laughter) on many, many days. What a gift you have! You are mightier than you may think!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  Kelly

Thank you so much for that Kelly. You are one of those wondrous Sheros who occupy this sight who has helped me keep my eye on the prize of healing and freedom.

Traveling with humor through this crazytown that is the divorce from this seriously disordered, shit-encrusted, pus-filled jackanape keeps me out of that orange jumpsuit and out of the arms of the lovely ladies on cell block B.

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

๐Ÿ™‚

Seren3838
Seren3838
9 years ago

Hi Everyone,

My cheating-double life-holier-than-thou no good former spouse left me and our five children two years ago (at the time all the kids were under the age of 11 yrs.). I was stunned. And now I’m nothing but over-joyed.

Two months after he left, I went back to the university where I taught in my 20s (I’m now in my mid-40s) and my department thankfully let me return to do research and work on my PhD. At this stage, I’ve written two chapters of my thesis and have two more to go! I’m also happy to report that my kids are doing great–socially, spiritually, academically–in large part because we’ve got a great support system and we kicked their fuckturd dad to the curb. ๐Ÿ™‚

Best wishes to all of you on your journey–and thanks Chump Lady for leading the way.

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago

I still don’t understand they did not pick up on the fact that I had not slept for days, was a total wreck and my eyes were a tad red rimmed from crying. I was hired! A job that would fit the children’s school hours, left me time for my own business.

Guess they saw the fighting spirit shine through and I have not let down on that for one second, almost a year there now, exceeding any expectations they had! Hire a chump, hire a dedicated fighter!

Dutch-chump
Dutch-chump
9 years ago
Reply to  Dutch-chump

Oh, I forgot to write I love all your successes! We are a mighty group and I love being here with people who truly understand. And some of you even arrived to Meh, can’t wait for that Tuesday… thanks to you I know for sure it’s coming!

Syl
Syl
9 years ago

Somehow you just get up each day and keep putting one foot in front of the other…I had 3 kids so I had no choice. Thank Goodness! They are my world and all that matter. So many people told me “I don’t know how you do it and you’re not having a nervous breakdown”. I didn’t think I was doing any extraordinary. Others had it worse. But now looking back, I can’t believe I didn’t have a serious breakdown. I divorced a narcissistic alcoholic who cheated and abandoned not only me but our kids too. He is not talking to us or providing any financial support for them (they are all in college)….his loss!! He will never get that time and respect back. In 14 months time I had some major life changing events: I finalized our divorce, sold the house we lived in for 20yrs (the only home my kids ever knew), moved into a rental that was a complete nightmare, 6 months later hired another lawyer, broke my lease and moved again into another rental, my car transmission went up, and my grandmother and 2 aunts all passed away. And many more minor things. More than the average person deals with in a lifetime much less 14 months. But I am sitting here in one piece and have lived to tell about it….still have good days and bad days. And I’m exhausted physically, emotionally,and mentally. But my kids and I are healthy. We have a ton of family and friends who love and support us. We are getting better emotionally and healing somewhat. We’ve learned to laugh about some things. Life is too short to waste our time dealing with idiots, Let them go. We are all good. We’re making it ๐Ÿ™‚

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
9 years ago

Longtime lurker/reader, first-time poster.

I am ten months from D-Day, and nowhere near the state of “meh,” but getting stronger every day. I had to chime in here and say you guys are nothing less than heroes. I have been reading here for the last couple of months (even all the archives, all of the comments) religiously, and I there has not been a day that goes by in which I am not thankful for the existence of this site and the people on it.

Reading these stories makes me want to stand right up on my desk (yes, I’m fucking off at work) and shout to the world how MIGHTY WE ARE!

You are all inspirations. I needed this today. Thank you!

I am not where I want to be just yet, but I can see it coming. It is stories like these which give me the faith to know I’ll get there…and then I’ll be back here, telling other chumps like me just how I’m mighty…and they can be, too ๐Ÿ™‚

namedforvera
namedforvera
9 years ago

I JUST GOT DIVORCED!! (sorry for yelling…) I’ll spill the whole story beans when I calm down and finish my celebratory nap. ๐Ÿ™‚

BarristerBelle
BarristerBelle
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Congratulations to you! I know what a relief it is to have that formality behind you – it’s a like a 200-lb weight has been removed from your neck.

Jbaby
Jbaby
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Ohmygosh! I remember the day I was officially divorced! The sky turned blue, the grass turned green, I could not stop smiling! Wish I could bottle and sell that feeling. Congrats!!!

Satsuma
Satsuma
9 years ago
Reply to  Jbaby

How bout that weight off your chest? Huh? Take a deep breath . Let us all rejoice and do the happy dance!

Kelly
Kelly
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Yay!!

zyx321
zyx321
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Since you are in a celebratory mood, I will say: CONGRATULATIONS !

CW
CW
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

Me too (in the past few weeks)!

Enjoy the freedom!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
9 years ago
Reply to  namedforvera

WOOT! WOOT!

Can’t wait to hear the story! Congratulations!

Nicole
Nicole
9 years ago

My Ex announced to me while we were in the process of packing up our home of 13 years and moving to a rental (we had to sell our home to help pay off debt from his failed business ventures…many failed ventures…) that he had rented his OWN place and would be leaving our marriage of 20 years and our two boys to “find his happiness.” (I found out later that “happiness” was the name of the woman he was immediately dating – and yes, I know he had to have had her waiting in the wings but I have never gotten concrete proof). In addition, I found out that his mother – who I had always felt closer to than my own mother – had assisted him in finding his little bachelor pad. Also, his sister had paid for an attorney to help him craft his self-employed income over the months leading up to his announcement so that he paid the least amount of child support possible. In the midst of this shit storm of betrayal, I managed the following in 3 months time:
Get 13 years of life packed, moved and unpacked
–Sit through hours of mediation to craft a separation agreement with the man I loved so much but who suddenly had become a cold, unfeeling stranger
–Find a second job as the child support I was entitled to in our state was not enough to cover the rent
–Help plan and manage a huge annual conference at my full-time job
–Enroll my youngest son in his new middle school
–Buy my older son his first car and purchase a car to replace my van that died the week after separation papers were signed
–Oh…and nurse my mother through a 2 month hospital/rehab center stay after she was involved in a very serious (almost fatal) car accident that occurred a few weeks after my ex moved into his love shack.
Yep, I am a rock star!! Thank you for giving me a chance to see it all in print. It’s pretty amazing really…

CW
CW
9 years ago

For me, these things come to mind:

1. Going from struggling to sleep in my apartment to enjoying the time by myself.
2. Having the guts to get up to go to work the day after I nearly had a breakdown in front of my students on the first day of school.
3. The beginnings of having true ownership of who and what I am and being what I want to be, not what others want me to be.
4. Knowing my kids will be OK even if I don’t live in the house with them anymore because I’m still their dad.

zyx321