The Helpless Other Woman

blessherPity the Other Woman. Her furnace dies. Her car needs jump starting. Her self-esteem is in tatters. Her progress reports languish without benevolent copyediting. She can’t make the rent this month. No one sufficiently appreciates her potential.

She simply Cannot Manage without a fuckbuddy to rescue her from…

Boredom.

An uncaring husband.

Life’s banal chores.

Far from being the iconoclastic, trail-blazing sexual revolutionaries they imagine themselves to be, Other Women seem like some anachronistic feeble ideal of womanhood. Helpless little missies, dropping their handkerchiefs to get a man’s attention. Fragile creatures succumbing to vapors. Dimwits who can’t screw the lids off their mayonnaise jars.

Of all the Stupid Shit Cheaters say, one refrain comes up over and over again:

She needs me.

She’s in some sad, hopeless, crisis state and she just needs the attention of a cheater.

Of course, cheaters say this to make cheating seem like some noble mission of mercy, instead of a quick fuck at the Motel 8. And of course Other Women are no more helpless than a swarm of barracudas. But cheaters seem to suffer under the delusion that they Need Each Other in some super special way that transcends the needs of their ordinary families.

Why, he isn’t a calculating cheater, he was there changing her spark plugs and It Just Happened! She isn’t a manipulative con, she was just having a Really Bad Day and there he was to make it all better!

You must understand, they never intended to hurt you. Spark plugs need changing. Shit happens. You can’t be angry with them. Can’t you see they were Just Trying to HELP?

Meanwhile, chumps labor without assistance. They do their own car maintenance. They eat dinners alone. They raise kids without an invested partner.

Stupid Shit Cheaters Say #174: “You were so independent, I didn’t think you needed all of me.”

Your very capability will be used against you.

So set the benevolent missionaries free, I say. Let them manage together without your assistance, finances, and logistics on the home front.

Nine times out of 10, they circle back for cake.

“But I need you!”

Too bad. So sad.

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startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago

BRILLIANT!!!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago

Spot on CL!!!

My XPOS poor excuse was, and I quote his exact words……
“Okay…I am working out a situation where someone almost overdosed on 90 Xanax…I don’t want that on my conscience. You understand I have been through one death already relating to a longterm abuse of drugs.”
(Death of son and poor sausage combo causes one to cheat….at least it worked as an excuse for him).
And later in same convo he said…..
“Okay…They stated that since I was gone, they may as well be gone…”
(that was when he was doing his usual lying that he broke it off with her, which you notice that he replaces the word ‘her’ for ‘someone and they’!
Lastly, same convo he stated….
“WOW… Please listen. They threatened suicide…Now you get it…I don’t want that on my conscience… I am serious and it is not a very good subject based on what I have been through…”
(Once again, blaming his infidelity on the death of his son…….he stated time and time again these words to me…..’you have a son die and tell me how you’d feel’!).

I wouldn’t waste my last breath on ‘Arby’……..go get a roast beef!

Miss Leah
Miss Leah
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

This post really resonates with me. STBX used his brother’s suicide to justify his first infidelity. Now this recent OW threatened suicide, so of course he can’t have that on his conscience. But abandoning his wife and 4 boys-no biggie. First dday 2005. Now here we are 10 years later, and this new schmoopie is a decade younger. They don’t change. I only wish I found Chumplady sooner. I read faithfully everyday. Someday I may tell my story. Thank you Chumplady for giving a voice to the pain and a safe place to feel support. Stay strong Chump Nation. May “meh” reach us all one Tuesday!

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Leah

MissLeah, this was my story as well. Happily in love with now x for the first 8 years, he had a 1.5yr secret affair w his coworker. I left and got my life together. He came back 2 years later and idiot me took him back. Fast forward 9 years and he sleeps with one of our mutual friends while I’m working in another state (USA). I ended our relationship the day I found out and will not be going back with him. I wish you much luck and peace. Rebuild yourself from the inside out. Seems bleak now but keep trying every day. My heart goes out to you.

Miss Leah
Miss Leah
8 years ago

Hello, UnderConstruction. Thank you for your kind words. This recent OW was a waitress at the restaurant where he was a chef. He’s 37, I will be 36, and she’s 26. I am a SAHM of four boys, ages 13,8,7,and 3. This marriage reaches the 10year mark this November, and of course who has to do the filing? His schmoopie comes from money, so he thinks the grass is greener. I am trying to be scrappy to save money for the retainer. One day at a time, one foot in front of the other. You are in my thoughts as well, and everyone here is an inspiration.

Gone
Gone
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Leah

Don’t file until you reach the 10 yr mark. It gives you more benefits.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Leah

You are not alone Miss Leah, I forgave cheating 7 years in and caught him again 10 years later. Wish I’d dumped him the first time. There are forums if you want to share and chat a little less publicly, the link is at the top of CLs page.

Miss Leah
Miss Leah
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Thank you Datdamwuf for the warm welcome. I know it’s a club no one wants to be a member of, but I will forever be grateful to Tracy and all of you here in Chump nation. I feel safe here.

Eileen
Eileen
8 years ago

Yes,brilliant!!! My hubby told me, “Her hubby cheated on her, he was a ‘shoulder to cry on.’…and he & she were only friends…”

I even warned him to stay away…

Brought down 30 yr marriage.

I just can’t put myself in her place ever…((sexually))

Wow33
Wow33
8 years ago
Reply to  Eileen

Stupid hopeum smoking me told him to be careful she is flirting with you… His response:” she has been having problems with her husband and is just taking to me about it….I told him that’s not your job, she has siblings, parents, counceling!!i found out a few months later that the affair was going on for 6 months before I asked him!!!
Also I am a fun , attractive women and I have a lot of male coustomers. I do get flirted on but I always , always talked about my kids and husband and that put them in their place…
It’s not about opportunity it is Character loving and respecting your spouse and not wanting to betray or hurt them!!!

Arby
Arby
8 years ago

I think any attractive, charismatic person married for a long time, might be attracted to some strange. It’s just human nature. Some succumb to temptation, some do not. It depends on how much opportunity is available and how often opportunity presents itself. No opportunity, no cheating.

Then when caught, of course they say stupid shit. They want to save the marriage. I think most marriages survive an affair, unless the person is a serial cheater, or leaves for the affair partner.

This is a weird website spewing bitterness and hate and vindictiveness. It’s just sex peeps. Get over it. It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby Linn and Danielle, infidelity might just be sex for you, but I found that it came from a horrible place of selfishness that was always there. That it was part of a pattern where I did not exist as a human being. That on a selfish spectrum of 1 – 10 it was the same spectrum. STFU and clean my house/look after my kids. Don’t ask me to look at you, talk to you, listen to you, think about you. And if you step out of line, ask me to pay you some attention, I will bang the co-worker because you saying your needs count just pisses me off.

If that is love, I would rather be alone.

Why is that problematic for you?

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby, Linn and Danielle, all morons where children’s paddling pools have more depth than them.
The first two are bastardisations of real names and all three talk like a 3yr old with an IQ of room temperature.
Two words for you: FUCK OFF.

PS: CL – theres ways to find out who’s behind these proxies. I bet its all the same fuckwit. And I bet they wouldn’t be so self-righteous if their real identity were posted online, much like the recent AM hilarity.

Olesammie
Olesammie
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

They are just trolls who picked up the other woman tag. Not worth a moment of your time. I am so sorry Tessie that you had to suffer this on today of all days. Just remember for every ignorant, nasty cows there are a thousand amazing woman and a few men supporting you. This site is a lifesaver, my narc had begun to make overtures to me after three years of hell and him living with OW, and because of what I have learnt here, it is a total non starter, disqualified before it even got going. Thanks fellow chumps for the strength,

PucksMuse
PucksMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Awesome. Please feel free to depart our weird, “hate-spewy” web site.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you Tracy. Just got back from therapy, because it is just five days or so from the anniversary of the day my cheater ex husband murdered my 14 year old son in cold blood. He chose to commit that crime just to get back me for leaving his sorry, serial cheating, cowardly, misogynistic, abusive ass.

I’m one hurting mom right now. I miss my boy with all my heart and soul.

To the trolls, you have no clue of what you are talking about. Either you have never experienced the level of betrayal we here on Chump Lady have, or you do not have the emotional capacity to understand the sheer amount of pain we cope with on a daily basis. Furthermore you do not understand what it is to have someone do everything in their power to destroy you on every level, and this is the person who is supposed to love you and have your back always. You do not get it, perhaps you do not have the depth of character to get it, and I pity you.

Either way, you do not have a leg to stand on, especially around here. Normally I like to take the high road when dealing with ignorance. Deliberately cruel ignorance….not so much. The good people on this site have suffered more than you will ever understand. You think it’s fun to come on here and throw stones? There is nothing you can say that is worse than what we have experienced. You are mere pikers in comparison to the cheaters in our lives.

Go back to the mall, kids, and let the grownups talk.

Miss Leah
Miss Leah
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, you are brave. The fact that you are here sharing yourself, your story, your thoughts, your feelings, so we can all help each other heal on this journey….you are amazing.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Leah

Thanks, everyone

.Actually,Beth my son’s ashes are with me. “Watering ‘ cheater ex’s grave is sort of a joke. I said that when I was feeling vengeful that I felt like going and pissing on cheater ex’s grave. That was the pissing therapy that LittleLady was alluding to.

Sometimes my twisted sense of humor comes out here..

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

No worries at all Tessie. I get it now. I have a twisted sense of humor myself. Laughter is the best medicine.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Sending you strength and support to make it over the next few days, Tessie.

I hope that bastard is being daily punished in jail by other inmates who have no tolerance for child abusers/murderers.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago

Nope, he offed himself a week later in another state, coward that he was. He knew what was waiting for him if he wound up in jail. They hate child killers and make their life hell on earth in prison. Biggest favor he ever did for me. ( probably not the most compassionate stance for me, but I am so angry at him right now.)

Working It Out
Working It Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, my heart aches for you. May you find peace and happiness.
Why don’t the trolls just go away?

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tess, you are most welcome. The more I’m reading about your situation and the family of your ex reminds me how bad shit crazy my ex’s family and his “friends” are. From what I have read about these Personality Disorders they will have a long history that their family members have Personality Disorders and also they have friends with Personality Disorders. Basically Personality Disorders attract more of the same type of Personality Disorders. Also I’m really getting to think that these OW/OM are the same. Also now I’m seeing that also in my situation.

I don’t want to go in much detail to protect myself but there were some situations when I was with the ex he placed my life in danger. I always thought these situations were accidents but now well the past few years I think he was trying to bump me off. I don’t have proof but when these things happen I always had a odd feeling about these events. Since reading what happen in your life I’m pretty sure that is what he was doing.

Just know we are here for you! Much love to you. Hopefully one day you get to visit your son’s burial site. I can fully understand that it is not safe for you to visit there. It’s a good thing right now for you to protect yourself from him and his bad shit crazy family and friends. Please know we are here for you and support you and most important we believe in what you are writing about!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Hugs and Love Tessie.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Tessie you are powerful!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie: I am so sorry for your pain that can never be erased, and that sociopathic jackass trolls feel compelled to heighten other people’s pain rather than try to be constructive members of society.

Hugs to you.

FreedomFromCrazy
FreedomFromCrazy
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tessie,
I can’t even fathom your pain. The fact that you’re still standing, pushing through, and sharing your story is amazing. You’re mighty, girl. A warrior queen. Something we should all strive to be. Even though I don’t know you, you & your dear son will be in my heart.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
8 years ago

A warrior queen indeed! Yessir, you’re in our hearts and prayers.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

My heart hurts so much for you. Words escape me.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, you are one of the bravest people I know. I am not sure what I would do if some bastard murdered my child, but I do know I could never be as strong and supportive of others as you are. There are days when I just want to run away from everything, but then I think of you and I know if you can survive what you have been through, so can I! I bet you would be really surprised at the number of people you inspire each and every day. Thank you so much for helping all of us make it to the other side.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  violet

Nicely said Violet. Tessie I am so sorry about upcoming anniversary. I know you know this and I’m not trying to be presumptuous but please do not for one second take on any blame by your cheater’s family. Our brains really do lean toward a need to explain unexplainable things which shows up by taking on self-blame as a way to make sense of the horrific, the unexplainable. This is a terrible outcome of trauma, i.e., self-blame: I shouldn’t have worn that short skirt, if only I’d done something different, maybe I did yell too much, etc., and the list goes on and on. Self-blame happens as a way to explain things but please know it’s not always the truth and can be very unhelpful and inaccurate. You did nothing wrong ever ever ever!

You are a beacon to me: a thriving, intelligent, inspirational beautiful person. I respect and treasure your son’s memory as I know all of CN does.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Jedi hugs Tessie, wish there was more I could say or do. Don’t know if it helps at all but your story is one of the reasons why I keep extending the PO, I’m trusting my gut that I’m not safe from Saddam.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I’m so glad you are opting to stay safe, Dat. You are an amazing woman and the world is so much richer for your presence. Hugs, Girlfriend.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie, sending you much needed hugs and I truly wish I could do more for you. You and your lovely sweet little boy will always be in my prayers. I know this is just words but my heart and my soul just breaks for you. We are here you! There are no words to describe how sorry I am for your lost. Just know once again we are here for you and always will be!!!!! If there is anything I can do for you please let me know. Much love to you during this time and every single second of the days to come!

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tessie ♥♥♥I hope you did some piss-on-the-murderer therapy. (course it might quench a hellfire flame).

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  LittleLady

I wish Little Lady. Unfortunately the cemetery is close to his brother’s place and it isn’t safe for me to go there. Cheater ex’s family are just as twisted as he was….a rat’s nest of cluster B’s. It’s not a good idea to “poke the bears” if I want to continue to breathe. They are great believers in denial and retribution. In their little world the person who is responsible for all this mess is me. They don’t know where I am, and I want to keep it that way. It’s a given that anyone can be tracked down if the tracker is motivated enough in this age of computers. I’m not done living and growing.

“Watering” his grave, what a great revenge fantasy though.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thanks CL. Yes, Tessie had her child murder by her ex cheater. It was on the last post or the one before it. Very sad. There are no words on how my heart and soul has been hit by that her comments. I’m not sure if there is something more we can do for Tessie. Maybe she can reach out to you CL for more details or you can reach out to her. I know for one thing my events in my life is nothing to the sadness of having my child murdered by the ex. I’m just wondering if we can do more for her to let her know Chump Nation cares for her.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thank you Beth. It warms my heart that there are wonderful, loving folks like yourself on CL, who really care that a smart, funny, sweet adorable boy lost his life. It helps me to know he is remembered in love by people who never met him in real life. My greatest fear is that not only will he be forgotten, but because of that, another child will die to serve someone’s entitled sense of selfishness. From the bottom of my heart, thank you for your compassion. It’s just what I needed today.

Blackbird
Blackbird
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Tess – it won’t fix the grief that you feel, nor will it fix the whole in the world your beautiful boy has left behind, but I hope it might help you to know that because of your honesty and strength in posting here, he will be remembered, and better still, you have helped many of us identify and be warned about danger signals to our own children.

My own troubled, beautiful boy is 13 now, and seriously off the rails (criminal vandalism, hanging with drug dealers). STBX beat him up and kicked him out a few months ago. Since then I have been super-wary about the possibility of further altercations – STBX is not known for his impulse control – and while I can’t warn my children about their Dad (he wears the classic super-nice-guy-sad-sausage mask), I can talk to them about trusting their gut instincts, listening to their feelings about situations that are weird, uncomfortable, or scary; and let them know they have a right to act on those feelings and analyse them later, Gavin de Becker style. I suspect that’s why my son has gone no contact, and my daughter is on highly limited contact, on her grounds, when she chooses – because they know they are allowed to listen to their own instincts.

I think that without knowing your and your son’s story, I would have derided my instincts and told myself I was being over-dramatic. And silly if I considered STBX as a threat. I suspect many other chumps here would also. No-one could ever prove that your courage has prevented further tragedies from happening, but I believe that to be true.

Hugs.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Blackbird

Blackbird, I’m sending you hugs, prayers and good wishes on you and your children’s journey to freedom.

In my case, cheater ex announced to me one day that when he felt depressed he felt like getting a gun and killing me, the kids and then himself. That was when I kicked into high gear to get my boys and I out of there. Unfortunately, during the divorce, the judge would not grant me supervised visitation. He didn’t believe that cheater ex was dangerous to the boys.

I’m glad you are listening to your gut instincts. One thing I taught my kids was pay attention to the actions, not the words. That is where the truth lies. If your gut is screaming at you, good for you to listen to it. I really believe that these cluster “Bs” are capable of just about anything if the narcissistic injury is big enough.

Yes, it does do my heart good to know that others are listening to their intuition and taking steps to stay safe. I’m glad to know that a blessing of some sort comes from my boy’s death. If our story can help to save lives the that is a comfort.

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

It’s never just sex.

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpish

+1, Chumpish. Human beings are living, breathing creatures who were meant to feel things. Trying to fully separate intense physical connection and intense feelings, like you’re above it all? Like you’re some kind of all-powerful robot who actually has control over these things. You’re kidding yourself.

And I see a common thread through the troll comments: “It’s just sex.” “Get over it.” etc. In their world, simply *caring* is an offense worthy of punishment and derision. Okay, so it’s not super hip and cool to care. To actually give a crap about yourself, other people, and about your marriage. But I won’t abandon all feeling and any semblance of humanity just to appear cool. I’m going to keep caring. Otherwise, the robots win.

buckup_littlecamper
buckup_littlecamper
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Takes more guts to walk away from an opportunity…then it does to succumb. It speaks volumes about a persons character when they walk away from a…”I cudda had that piece of ass!”

Walk away…and say, “Yeah, not going to lower my standards for what? 45 mins of “ohhhh yes!”.

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpish

Chumpish says

July 21, 2015 at 1:06 pm

It’s never just sex.

Chumpish: You know that…….how?

deepbreaths
deepbreaths
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

We know that because our lives exploded! “Just sex” would have ended in orgasm – not destruction of the lives that married spouses vow to love, HONOR, and cherish.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

We know that because we lived it, as did our children, many of whom had their college funds stolen…or worse. You obviously have never lived through the hell that I did, and since you are completely lacking an ounce of compassion, there is no way your tiny brain can comprehend the destruction caused by cheating.

I also wonder why you are here. Did you get bored pulling the wings off butterflies or were you tired setting your cat on fire? Doesn’t matter much to me because I value your opinion about as much as I admire Donald Trump for his valor.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

We know cause if these idiots just wanted to be helpful “friends” then they wouldn’t be fucking you, dumb ass! I don’t know about you, but I DO NOT FUCK MY FRIENDS FROM FACEBOOK! Which goes without saying that if you “hook up” on Facebook then it is highly unlikely that you have some deep, loving and understanding relationship! You are just hooking up and fucking someone willing and convenient! So JUST SEX. YOU BET, MORON! For thoughtful mature people it’s pretty clear!

FreedomFromCrazy
FreedomFromCrazy
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Oh my. Wow….I heard the same exact thing from the Troll Hobbit (OW) around my final D-Day. Is that you, Nikki: The female Rocky Dennis? If so, I bet you chose the name Arby because of those roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina.

Yawn. Bored of excuses for cheating. I think all of us chumps are. Go do something constructive like tying a plastic bag around your head.

feelingbetter
feelingbetter
8 years ago

Ya I think she definitely needs a roast beef sandwich.

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago

FreedomFromCrazy says

July 21, 2015 at 11:58 am

Oh my. Wow….I heard the same exact thing from the Troll Hobbit (OW) around my final D-Day. Is that you, Nikki: The female Rocky Dennis? If so, I bet you chose the name Arby because of those roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina.

Yawn. Bored of excuses for cheating. I think all of us chumps are. Go do something constructive like tying a plastic bag around your head.

Hey freedom from crazy. Wow, just wow. That sounds…..well kind of nutty.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Danielle wow just wow. All freedom from crazy wants is “freedom from crazy”. What do you want Danielle?

Do you know anything about betrayal? What end of betrayal makes you crazy? Is it the excitement of sleeping with a married man at his home while his wife’s working? Or do you prefer the back seat of your car? Poking at people who are in pain is the work of trolls. Do you know what I think is more fun than than divorcing the serial cheating narcissust? It’s knowing he’s with an entitled classless pig who shares his lack of empathy or true intamacy. Does that describe you better than the beefy vagina? The plastic bag bothered you too? Now your proving to chumps just how special you are and you can’t find humor in your own vagina. That’s sad. Just wow.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Danielle yet another asshole opinion! Really is it because Ashley Madison site that you, Arby and Linn on here today because you are worried you are about to be found out. I’m not bothered about you. But you have messed with the wrong people on here. But if you want a debate I would

FIRST….gain some education about what we are talking about.

SECOND learn about empathy because your comments are big RED FLAGS of a sociopath aka Cluster B Personality Disorder

THIRD get a life and stop with your 1 cent comments because it is making you look like an uneducated fool.

FOURTH go back to your parents and tell them you are still a child because that is how you are acting like a 2 year spoiled child and they didn’t raise you correctly and they should have used some type of protection to prevent births like you 3!!!!!

FreedomFromCrazy
FreedomFromCrazy
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Arby, Linn, Danielle….you are all trolling on the wrong site. CL is where men & women cheated on come for venting, support, and sharing our painful stories with one another in an attempt to heal. Glad to see your lives are so “fulfilling” that you have get your jollies by spouting pro-cheater propaganda to get a rise from those whose lives were turned upside down because of infidelity. Kudos to you all.
Danielle…nutty? Yeah, I might be…everyone needs a good laugh. But no nuttier than visiting a site simply to antagonize chumps by requoting their comments with inane questions/commentary & nothing valuable to add.

Nomorebs
Nomorebs
8 years ago

That is hilarious!

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Nomorebs

Roast beef meat curtains ( RBMC). Gotta remember to use that one. Very good.

Sara
Sara
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

There you are 🙂

Fur Princess
Fur Princess
8 years ago

“roast beef looking meat curtains you pass off for a vagina”

FreedomFrom Crazy, I just passed my lunch through my nose! hahahahaha

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby,

“Get over it. It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.”

My cheater never used condoms. He just had sex, no biggie!, with X girl friends, co workers, sex workers and his swinging married AP. He did this all the while I was pregnant or nursing infants AND having unprotected sex with me as well.

So, yeah. He exposed and gave me an incurable STD. And he could have passed a death sentence onto me and my infants. I get an STD check every year now. I was truly out of my head for 48hrs after the initial one when I learned of his just only sex capades. That was 48hrs of panic not knowing what I may have and if something really awful tested postive, like HIV, how was I going to arrange tests for my potentially infected kids??

Dude, even if the random hole or dick “looks clean”, it doesn’t mean they are. They already showed you they are capable of lying simply by cheating. Wear a fucking condom and use a dental dam.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby the Cheater-Apologist Troll writes: “It’s not like he/she murdered your children or parents.”

So that’s your standard for tragedy, heartbreak, and trauma, then? Wow. By those terms, you’re pretty much okay with rape, torture, human trafficking, bank robbery, child molesting, human organ smuggling, selling heroin to kids, etc., etc.

You, Mr. Arby, are either a sociopath or a moron or both. I vote for Option No. 3.

I’d invite you to go where others share your ethics, morals, insight, and maturity, say, websites defending Bill Cosby’s sex life, the history of the confederate flag, or snuff porn (“Hey, bro, Get over it. It’s just a movie.”).

Good luck with the emotional ocean-crossing of life. You are in a small boat, and it is leaking.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

With you Nomar!

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar: This comment of yours and I quote, “You, Mr. Arby, are either a sociopath or a moron or both. I vote for Option No. 3.” Is not an intellectual statement filled with emotional intellect. Do you always diagnose people online based on one post?

Well, then pat yourself on the back. 😉

Snarky people don’t communicate well, nor do they have many friends.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

I am a psychologist, and I concur with Nomar in his diagnosis that Arby is both a sociopath and a moron.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest – you’re hilarious! (((Hugs, chick!))) =D

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Haha glad your here Tempest

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Actually Danielle, Nomar’s communication of the obvious is excellent, especially when he infuses such observations about morally bankrupt individuals in snark.

I’d be his friend in a heartbeat; sarcasm always has an element of truth, after all.

LilyBart
LilyBart
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

“not an intellectual statement filled with emotional intellect.”

I’m guessing this was written by an individual with a lukewarm IQ, and the emotional intelligence of a lawn dart.

Fishfast41
Fishfast41
8 years ago
Reply to  LilyBart

OMG !!! You guys have me laughing so hard,I spilled my beer on the cat! Lol

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Danielle: Your condescension toward people in pain is shameful.

I will now shift from psychology to veterinary medicine and diagnose you as a loud braying ass with a severe case of CEM (Contagious Equine Metritis–google it). Though I’m hoping that’s soon eclipsed by lockjaw.

Buh-bye.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Bahahahahaha! Chumps rule! Reading the responses to these trolls and their comments, which are clearly being shoveled from a very large vat of cheater shit, is hilarious and uplifting! Keep it up CN!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar
I thought she was projecting with the lack of friends comment. Sociopaths don’t usually have friends now do they.
So that’s what a braying ass sounds like? Lol

deepbreaths
deepbreaths
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

You don’t have to be a doctor to recognize when someone is sick. Your sickness is showing.

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I agree. This is where the bar is set, murder?

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

But I do agree with the concept its only sex….. and would have been ok if my spouse had called and said….. our marriage sucks and I am going to screw a 26 year old tonight….. going to drink heavy let him do what he wants and not use protection! Then it would have only been sex and honest. Instead she got drunk, screwed him without protection….. then did it again and again on and off for 3 years….. during that time exposing herself to pregnancy and me to STDs! Now that makes it more than sex… its a huge lie with no concern for the person you have been married to for 20 plus years! While she was out having fun, I turned down and ran from opportunity…. why? Because i was married!!!! Morals and character!!! Plain and simple….

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Well what kind of person did you marry that was too dumb to use protection?

I mean seriously.

I would divorce a cheater that did not use protection, too.

But not all people who have sex are quite so stupid. Maybe there is a concentration of people married to stupid spouses.

JABT
JABT
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Now Danielle honey… have you been on the receiving end of this?? Have you been so emotionally abused, gaslighted and told it was all your fault. You try to work harder for your marriage, for your kids and all he does is screw the next available in line… yep. Were you in that bedroom, car, office, while they were having sex? Of course I used protection (when you finally find out about the affair) and then he runs off with the final ow. You subsequently find out that there have been multiple OW all of whom of course he used protection with… yeah they wouldn’t lie about that now would they!!! Grow the fuck up.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Danielle

Yes my therapist actually agrees that the X is just stupid. And that is why he couldn’t find anything better than the skanky bar whore who resembles a Pekingese dog and has an arrest record. He stated, “he can’t find anyone attractive or intelligent”. I’m doing much better since I divorced him. I would suggest STD testing to the whore but she had no clue he’s cheating on her with the other skank he meets. I certainly have a no contact policy. She’s dumber than he is. Funny.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Yawn. These trolls are all alike. Personally, I think they are all the same person, or at most, two separate people.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yes, the trolls are all alike. They are all cheaters or OW/OM. What kind of person thinks LYING (which is what cheating is) is just wonderful? Substitute any other kind of betrayal of someone who trusted you, and it just doesn’t make sense. Embezzling from your employer? Hey, “it’s just money.”

Gone
Gone
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

But.. it was just oral or an accident or the condom broke! When I crawled into bad with my lying scum I had no idea that I was having sex also with the prostitute he had just left. That is obtaining sex through fraud and battery since I developed herpes, which condoms do not protect against. Also, people who lie consistently in what should be their closest relationship, are lying everywhere else too, because honesty just doesn’t matter to them. I don’t think most of us here are where we are because a partner got drunk one night and had bad judgement and came clean. We are here because they were such deceitful human beings that it fucked up our whole reality.

Society runs on the basis that most people are primarily honest. We swear you in at court and assume the majority will tell the truth. We make contracts. Purchase items. All on the basic assumption that there is overall honesty and that if not there are legal repercussions for that fraud. We don’t check id’s when people introduce themselves.

deepbreaths
deepbreaths
8 years ago
Reply to  Gone

I soooo agree Janus! They have to keep moving because they aren’t trustworthy and nobody wants to be friends with someone they can’t trust. And look where the AM users end up … Here, stirring up more drama and trying to cause more hurt.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  Gone

They use lying as a problem-solving tool. It permeates every area of their lives. Many have to keep moving – to new friends, new places, new jobs – so they can start fresh with people who don’t know them.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Ummmm…. I will defend the history of the Confederate battle flag…. not a good analogy….

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

A handsome banner that shouldn’t be excluded from history museums but one that symbolizes slavery and violence to millions of American citizens and flew over armies that killed hundreds of thousands of American soldiers and nearly destroyed our country and in my lifetime was used as part of an effort to intimidate millions of people from voting but, hey, other than that, lots to defend I guess? And FYI I am a white southern male who owns guns, loves his truck, and has read plenty of Shelby Foote. Rant over.

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

It does not symbolize slavery….. it has been misused by some groups… and it flew over an army who was seeking independence from a growing federal govt who was wanting more and more tax money from the southern states. It was state vs federalism….. the origination of our country was freedom states rights and a small centralized govt…. with limited powers… the states formed the federal govt….. oh btw…. Lincoln invaded the south and started the conflict…. place blame on the deaths of american soldiers where it belongs. And look at the overall outcome… 18 trillion in debt….. every aspect of our lives are controlled by a massive federal govt….

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Well I shall let this one alone! Lincoln a saint? Todays education leaves out a lot of truths and injects erroneous info. My kids had no idea that Lincoln wanted to send all the slaves back to Africa because he did not want them here. As with all wars, it was financial and power…. slavery was a side show.

Accurately Informed
Accurately Informed
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

David, you will not get far with those who buy revisionist history and who also don’t know the difference between The Battle Flag of Northern Virginia and the actual Confederate Flag.

And, yea (snark), Lincoln was a saint: http://www.unitednativeamerica.com/hanging.html

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Sorry, DavidB–every major historian agrees that the Civil War was largely due to pro- vs. anti-slavery; “state’s rights” is a convenient fiction, even if that formed part of the justification.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

TJ: Lincoln was a saint but I appreciate your position. The sad fact is that flag was hijacked long ago by stupid racist thugs (e.g., the a-holes who decided to start flying it over the SC capital in 1961 to protest the civil rights movement). Your grievance would be against those appropriators of historical symbols, not folks like me. The swastika originated in India centuries before the Nazis appropriated it, but anyone who waves a swastika today will be seen (with good reason) as an anti-Semitic and racist bully who sympathizes with Nazi Germany and the Holocaust.

I only wish my cheating ex-wife had been as forthright as the CSA in declaring her intentions when she decided to surreptitiously secede from our “union.” I thought I was part of a united marital “state” while she was busy burning my fields, counterfeiting my currency, and blowing England in her car at lunch.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Chump Lady is clearly hitting a big, cheating nerve!

Danielle
Danielle
8 years ago

Can you tracy girl people all spell sycophant….. sounds like psycho or sicko

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

Yes we can Danielle, too bad you don’t actually understand the definition, if you did you’d realize how ridiculous that comment sounds.

OtherChump
OtherChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Wuf, I’m pretty sure all of these posts are from the same person, and they post every day now, don’t they? I think they’re just trolling, to rile everyone up. And it’s derailing the comments section, which is too bad, because we usually get some good discussions in here. Anyway, that’s all I think it is, trolling. Not people who actually have these opinions they’re spewing.

I wonder if CL can institute registration in order to comment on the site? (Or maybe it’s required already…? I don’t know; I’m already registered!)

sara
sara
8 years ago
Reply to  Danielle

It’s only pronounced the one way.

Jayne
Jayne
8 years ago

… well, Ashley Madison has probably got them clenching their buttocks, so in a desperate google-thon with ‘cheating’ as the search word … here they find themselves! HA! HA! HA! …. Not quite what you were looking for is it! You poor sausages!

Eileen
Eileen
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby’s,
I’m a good looking women. Husband a good looking man. He travels for his job, & I am home alone. This worked out very well for both of us for almost 29 yrs. Lots of free time on my side, his as well.

When together if we saw other men or women we thought were so pretty or handsome or intresting we always pointed out to each other.
We aren’t stupid, yes men & women look.

There was complete trust that had developed over a life time together, even thou now, all I am told is I trusting 100% in “us,” was so naive.
But over a life time together, & during one’s best years, buying a home, having children, death of family … One can’t help to build trust, that is what a good marriage is . I knew no matter what, there was one person out there that had my back and I could always depend on, he the same.

When I discover my hubby affair, it wasn’t just sex … Or “didn’t mean anything,” like they like to say, …but it sure meant a lot to me.

I look back now of those almost 30 yrs and wonder now if my marriage was a sham… I have no idea. He says he’s never cheated b4, but guess what??? “I have no idea!!!”

So put that in your pipe and smoke it, then tell me it is only sex…& to get over it.

T
T
8 years ago
Reply to  Eileen

Here here, same story….only mine never came back, really get over it!

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

Arby, you said, “Some succumb to temptation, some do not. It depends on how much opportunity is available and how often opportunity presents itself. No opportunity, no cheating.”

I’m an attractive, charismatic woman who was married for 25 years. I had plenty of opportunities to cheat, but I chose not to. It’s not about opportunity, it’s about CHARACTER. People who cheat have a character deficiency. Since you’re defending cheaters, I assume you are one, too. You must also have a character problem.

If you think this website is “weird” and we’re here “spewing bitterness and hate and vindictiveness” why are you here?

People who have good character see this website as funny and empowering. Tracy is not encouraging people to be bitter, she’s encouraging them to get a better life. That’s why she has been able to create a community of people who support and encourage each other.

feelingbetter
feelingbetter
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

Tracy is a godsend, so is this site!!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

Amen!!!

igotthesilver
igotthesilver
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

+1

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago
Reply to  Elizabeth Lee

Amen….Amen!!! ^^^^^what she said!!!

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago
Reply to  Arby

To Arby the Troll—we are NOT your ‘peeps’…. piss off. We bitterness spewing hateful and vindictive sorts don’t tolerate trolls.

leli
leli
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

My cheating husband may not have murdered my children, but all 4 now need therapy and the youngest doesn’t think life is worth living and constantly talks about suicide, because the person he thought he could trust has hurt him the most and destroyed his family

Linn
Linn
8 years ago
Reply to  leli

wow Arby is spot on. The posters here sound so nasty and bitter. Where did all these mean sounding people come from.

Studies don’t show harm from cheating or divorce on the kids. Worse is a terrible marriage in which people treat each other with anger and bitterness in front of the children.

I was cheated on. No big deal. I figure my husband owes me a freeby. I may cash in if the desire strikes me. Yes. It’s just sex, in most cases.

God you guys are so obnoxious to posters, I likely will not post here again. The site is one track minded.

Marriage is a two way street. People cheat for just sex and sometimes because there is a rift in the marriage.

The latter usually ends up with the spouse leaving the marriage. The former, well who cares, it’s just sex. This is the 21st century. Rise above the flesh and look at the marriage as a whole.

Some marriages though should not be saved. But cheating is not the worst thing a spouse can do.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

Wow! Cheaters DO say some stupid stuff!

Funny how morons tell say you have a “one track mind’ or a closed mind when they want you to accept any foolishness that comes along in the name of “tolerance.” Tolerance means putting up with other peoples mistakes, not turning the other cheek to stupidity. False tolerance is a virus, and a counterfeit civility, and is largely why the world is going to hell.

TheLadyisaChump
TheLadyisaChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

Lots of former Ashley Madison members posting here today.

namedforvera
namedforvera
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

“rise above the flesh”…Crikey, someone’s been watching Game of thrones re-runs. Time to get out of mom’s basement and get that Cheet-oh dust off your pants, son.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

Studies don’t show harm from cheating or divorce on the kids.

That is perhaps the dumbest, most ridiculous thing I’ve seen posted on this website. Congratulations for the dumbest post award. Yikes.

Hope49
Hope49
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

Yeah, Linn is talking out of her ASS. Judges in family courts are well aware of the studies done by Judith Wallerstein and the long term effects of divorce. Wow… Linn, not only are you a troll but you are unenlightened to boot.

buckup_littlecamper
buckup_littlecamper
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

^^^ Shall we make them a “Stupid is as stupid does” button?

buckup_littlecamper
buckup_littlecamper
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

Arby….Linn….are you mental? Wow. Just wow. Someone give me a dose of whatever they are on, because it’s good! I have no earthly idea how anyone could take the “It happens” attitude to something so devastating to a person, their soul, their family, finances, self esteem and…well, the list goes on and on.

Pass me the meds!! Wow.

mary
mary
8 years ago

Arby and Lynn are the same troll.

Gone
Gone
8 years ago

End up with a lifelong STD, be lied to and lied to, money going missing, finding out your partner actually has no values, finding out that arguments were orchestrated so they could get out of the house, finding where they are talking shit about you trying to line up their next chump… it’s not just sex. It’s out and out fraud that in any other legal ‘partnership’ would be prosecutable.

Nomorebs
Nomorebs
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

I think you made one good point…”maybe I won’t post on here again”. Yeah, don’t.

Nomorebs
Nomorebs
8 years ago
Reply to  Nomorebs

Beth, I meant for my reply to be towards Linn.

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Nomorebs

Nomorebs,

That post I made above was not for the chumps on this site. That comment was made for Arby and Linn and their closed minded way of thinking. If you are a fellow chump please please don’t listen their closed minded opinions. At the end of the day they are just stupid!!!!! Most likely what they are saying about their lives is all a lie. Most likely they are no real situations and some troll making up stories to cause trouble on a great supportive blog like Chump Lady. These type of “people” come on here from time to time. Please don’t pay any attention to it. There are loads of these type of trolls on the internet. They are just losers in a big world. All they do all day and all night long is surf the internet to cause trouble.

Chump Lady, this site, and the users of this blog understand the pain that these cheaters and the OW/OM cause in our lives. You and your pain is real. What happen to you and your life is important to us. We want you here to help you in your healing process. What the cheater in your life did is WRONG. Plain and simple just wrong. You have the right to express the pain that has happen to you! Arby and Linn are the ones that are WRONG!!!!

YOU’RE opinion(s) are very important to us all. We are here for you. What happen to you is very painful and we understand that pain because we have been in your shoes.

Don’t make what these idiots, i.e. Arby and Linn; change your mind what the cheater in your life did in your life. Your pain and your story is important. We are here for you Nomorebs! We want to help you heal!

I wish you the best of luck!

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Linn

That’s your opinions, Arby and Linn. Just remember opinions are like ASSHOLES. Everyone has one!

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Linn and Arby are simply troll assholes trying to get everyone worked up. It’s so blatantly obvious that it’s ridiculous. Piss off is right. They make others feel worse so they can feel better/superior! Sound familiar? The words drip with condescension and it’s nauseating. Narcs “married” to narcs. Hogwash blather they’re spewing about how it’s all no bigs. If it were no big deal, if it were really nothing to them, they’d never have found THIS website. Sheesh! What a couple of losers.

joyce
joyce
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Linn you’ve been cheated on, like you stated and seem ok with it. My question is this, if it was just sex, and your ok with it, why do you visit this site? I think you and Arby might just be the helpless OW, who taught she is so special, that she would never get cheated on by the cheater. Welcome to the real world. Instead of focusing on us the bitter bunnies, just keep on smoking the hopium pipe.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Another whore with super powers? Ok, I’ll play. His other, other woman he’s been seeing has a name that starts with J. Is he busy today? Aren’t they cute when their this needy. Nope you were never special troll.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Fuck Off Arby! It’s not just sex! It’s totally destroying people’s lives! Walk in my shoes you moron! It changes your entire being! Just sex my ass!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Another needy OW whore who thinks she’s special!
While trolling they should be checking for his hotel receipts, Craig’s list ads, and phone recipes. Why do they think the credit card debt is so high? Lol.

JC
JC
8 years ago

My wife said that her AP was very lonely, given his girlfriend and son were in the mountain time zone and he was out on the Pacific Coast all by his lonesome.

When I asked my wife why it was her responsibility to ease his loneliness, she just gave me a blank stare.

tony
tony
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

I also got the blank stare each time I asked my ex a hard question she did not want to answer.

The blank stare is calculated, because we eventually go away without an answer, because they know that we cannot compel them to answer.

Think about that – outside of force, how does one compel anyone to do anything? Or, when I really pressed my ex on some lie I caught her in and the blank stare was not enough, I got: “I was just joking!”

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

My response to the blank stare?

“Uh oh – did your brain just backfire? ::lol:: You need a minute?”

100% effective into riling him back up and start blabbering again.

JC
JC
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

Agreed, Tony. My wife’s blank stare was her biding her time, waiting until I realized that I wasn’t going to get an answer from her and I moved on to something else.

It was a “good” move in the sense that it allowed her to get away with cheating for another few weeks each time she used it.

It was a “bad” move in the sense that each time she used it, I traveled farther down the road of understanding that my wife had no intention of openly communicating with me.

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Yep, blank stare, shark eyes, or mine would act all indignant.. “you know what… ” like I was the worst person in the world to ask normal questions. I knew when he was lying.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

I never got blank stares. Instead, he sucked up all the oxygen in the room for hours on end, with his blameshifting mindfuckery. If I had a nickel for every time I apologized for something that he accused me of (usually, being “stupid” or “selfish” or “forgetful”) I’d be a megamillionaire by now. Every time it happened, I knew it was wrong but I submitted anyway. Out of love (don’t expect the trolls to understand that concept). I have, now, two years from DDay of discovering that not only was he an abuser (which I always knew), but that he was a cheater too, forgiven MYSELF.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

TheMuse, me too. I’m ashamed to admit how many times I ate shit just to keep the peace, knowing the silent treatment would ensue if I didn’t. He could go for months. It was excruciating to live like that. I couldn’t have made my needs any smaller, but he still found ways to diminish me.

And now, he’s all hers! Yay for me!

tony
tony
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

The thing is, JC, I got this each time we had other difficulties in our relationship. It was a wall that I could not overcome, even though I tried because I thought she was a reasonable, good person.

The only way to overcome this would be to say: “I am not going anywhere until you give me an answer to my question.”

Heatthecurb said that if they were not trapped like in a car she would get some kind of answer.

Agreed; my ex would give me the “I was joking!” when she was in the car and had nowhere to go.

In the future, if someone persists in this – leave the relationship.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

I absolutely believe that. I think the blank stare, or “shark eyes” as I like to call it, is their withdrawal back into the shallows of their brain, a check-out, while you yammer about something boring to them, like how they’re being abusive to you or the kids, or you want to know what they spent the money on–unnecessary blah blah blah like that.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

I thought of the dead shark stare as a ‘STFU and get back in line, I don’t have to answer to you’
What did CL call it? A background drone that occasionally rose into a whine and was really, fucking irritating.

That I think is the thought process behind the shark stare. That the component (replaceable) has just had the cheek to become animated.

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

The XBF would withdraw into a blank straight ahead stare with absolutely NO acknowledgement that I was talking to him….admittedly at times I would be RAILING at him. Was most bizarre and infuriating and would only serve to make me more angry and to attempt even more stridently to get a reaction/answers to my questions. At other times, if he were not ‘held captive’ (as in the car), he would merely say “I don’t want to argue” and turn on his heel and walk away.

He’d pull himself into his turtle shell of entitlement.

Susannah
Susannah
8 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

I had one like that, too. Would stare straight ahead to punish me, or close his eyes when talking to me, and I tried to make him look me in the eye. Total poison. I hated it when he did that to me! It’s a huge pet peeve, now.

tony
tony
8 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

Great!

Now if someone does it to you walk away and never look back!

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

The worst thing about the cheater’s Blank Stare (or “BS”) is that they give it to you like it MEANS something. Like it’s pithy and profound and you’re just too dimwitted to understand.

I swing back and forth from thinking that the main problem with cheaters is that they don’t know how to effectively communicate and thinking that they are master communicators who use language (verbal and nonverbal) to get everything they want.

Little Mighty Me
Little Mighty Me
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

@ nomar

I am of the latter opinion…they are master manipulators who are consciously using verbal and non-verbal skills to engineer the outcome they want (escape from discomfort or inconvenience). I used to swing between the two opinions, too, but I have of late come to the conclusion that it isn’t stupidity or ineptitude. It really is a master-level manipulation.

I will leave you with a direct quote from Cheater Pants Dickhead, said in marriage counseling, in response to the counselor’s question “How do you feel when LMM wants to talk about something that is wrong in the relationship? When you see her upset and you know it is because of something you did?”

He responded: “I don’t think about it too much. It doesn’t bother me. I know she wants to talk about it, resolve whatever the issue is, and that’s fine. I mean, I just let her go at it. I don’t say anything, even if I kinda want to. Because if it is an issue with me, she can’t resolve it without me, know what I mean? So if I stay quiet, she’ll just tire herself out, and eventually she stops bringing it up altogether.”

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

Wow. Your ex is cold-blooded and cruel. Hope you did finally “tire yourself out” trying to fix him and divorce his manipulative ass.

And I agree that the more likely explanation is that cheaters have communication superpowers. But then again their judgment and their choice of words is sometimes astonishingly stupid and even undermines their precious house-of-cards existence. So I’d say if they have special powers they’re of the idiot savant variety, and they aren’t entirely in control of them at all times. Cheaters as a cross between Hannibal Lector and Rain Man.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I don`t think the blank stare is deliberate. I think it`s the default expression for someone whose mind is racing but still not coming up with a good answer to the question.

Chumpish
Chumpish
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

The blank stare I rec’d was only a few seconds long. If I looked hard enough I could see the slot machine spin of excuses/stories through the black hole in his eye. It always ended up with the neighbor ‘did it,’ or the neighbor’s brother, a cousin, and finally me.

Like Chumpion, I burned millions of brain cells trying to unravel the skein, but of his blaming me. Clearly, I knew I didn’t do it (whatever it was). Evil brilliance, really, because he had me explaining the reasons why I didn’t set him up. It was only through CL and CN that I learned this is narc and/or sociopathic behavior. Thank the sweet baby Jesus. Sanity restored, with the addition of vitamins and herbs for new, smarter brain cells.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

“they don’t know how to effectively communicate”

My ex fell into this category with me at least. He would ignore or avoid any topic that required introspection and feelings to be shared particularly if he thought there might be a difference of opinion. When I would ask him something, he would do most anything to upset me so he could walk away or blame me….mostly he would fart loudly or worse, silently, so the smell would be gross. As stupid as that sounds, it’s the truth because he knew that would throw the conversation off and he could get away. Asshole – I hope whoever he ends up with likes that behavior.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

He’s 6 years old, in his mind. I’ll fart, and she’ll run away! I wonder if most cheaters have arrested development? Mine did, for sure!

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Yes, it’s stuck at a very young age, and the OM/OW is also stuck at a similar age.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

ByeByeCheater, that is absolutely gross, but I can imagine anyone willing to disrespect you by cheating would do something like that. And I suppose since it worked with you then he probably does it to his new squeeze too! EWWWW!

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Wow, you named the issue that robbed me of a few million brain cycles over the last three years. Was it pure obfuscating evil genius or clueless obliviousness that powered my cheating ex-wife’s weird non-communication style? Blank stares, passive voiced partial truths…grrrr.

I think what we all have learned is that narcissistic behavior is hard wired, and most of these cheaters are spinning half truths and lies faster than we can keep up with. It is a reptilian brain level of wittingly trying to warp reality to their odd self serving universe where they can shift blame and be the center of attention. For them it is their survival mechanism.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

My cheater personified!
+10!

Bliss Menagerie
Bliss Menagerie
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar wow that is an interesting perspective. It Makes sense that a master manipulator would malinger poor communication skills to control his (her) victims. Thank you for sharing this

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Ah yes. The infamous blank stare. Got one of those too, JC.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

+1

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

And another.

hanecita
hanecita
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Me too!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  hanecita

Kind of like a shark.

Patsy
Patsy
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Oh yeah, those horrible dead shark eyes …

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Empty, soulless eye. Nothing there. Creepy after 30 yr together.

hurt1
hurt1
8 years ago

OWhore needed attention. She was a divorced mother of 5 & didn’t have custody of them.

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago
Reply to  hurt1

OWwhore was being “beaten” by her x-boyfriend/common law husband/father of her illegitimate son. And my X has “Daddy” issues. The perfect storm. Oh and did I mention that I didn’t “put out>”

Erbrown83@gmail.com
Erbrown83@gmail.com
8 years ago

OWwhore’s boyfriend of 5 years “neglected and abandoned” because he played video games too much (he was 22 just like her) and moved across the state because he got a job in law enforcement after graduating from the academy! She also used to “cut” herself and he was afraid for her well being and would have to call her weekly after counseling to “check on her”…. hmmm wonder if the back seat make out sessions after work really helped her work out her issues?!?!

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  hurt1

She sounds like a real peach.

hurt1
hurt1
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

A low hanging piece of fruit.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

I know I will be 100% at Meh when I stop waiting for CL’s new post every early afternoon.

Sunny
Sunny
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

It’s been decades since the first divorce and just over a decade since the last… I find this site keeps me strong. I think it was Santayana who once said that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. I really don’t care what happens with X#1 & X#2 anymore… I guess I’m as Meh as I’m gonna ever be on this fine Tuesday. CL helps me by providing information and clarity. And I know I’m contributing to the knowledge base too. If that helps even one person, it’s worth it. I like to think we’re a little movement, helping Tracy help all the other chumps and chumps-to-be. Up until now, I don’t think we chumps ever formed a group and decided to fight back. I could have done without the two imploded marriages, but I’m glad for the opportunity to be there for others who are going through this particular brand of hell. They don’t have to face it alone anymore.

Kiwi Anne
Kiwi Anne
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

This is so true. I no longer need to read CL every day but when the low moments come, fewer than there were and further apart, reading CL is like a booster shot of clarity and wisdom and support. The consistency of experience and wisdom shared around the globe is priceless.

FreedomFromCrazy
FreedomFromCrazy
8 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

THIS! Yes. When I have my moments of weakness and want to sleuth out the actual truth about what happened (never know with a pathological liar) or lash out (giving kibbles), I read CL posts. It’s keeps me moving forward with my eyes on the prize. Trust that they suck:) We’re better without them.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Sunny

Amen!

FMT
FMT
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Luckily I don’t have to wait that long. 6 am strong dark roast with my daily shot of CL is a dandy way to start the day! 🙂

Sah
Sah
8 years ago
Reply to  FMT

Agreed!!!!

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  Sah

Second that!

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
8 years ago

My exh actually told me I was perfect which made him cheat. Well, he also told me I was mean and scary, too. Which also made him cheat. But yeah, his OW were good people. He told me so. They were pretty needy, though. One got too needy so he got sick of her. The other one needed psychiatric intervention (imo) more than she needed his #@%k in her mouth, but you take what’s available. Whatever.

Smart is Hard
Smart is Hard
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Supreme Chump- yes to that. Of course the AP is good people. They work sooooo hard and have health issues and stress and their poor beknighted husbands aren’t nice to them. Soooo meannnnnn……my shithead defended their relationship ad nauseum, and she had the gall to imply, in a note to me, that if Shnookums ever gets so down that he “might do something” (like what? Download more porn? Drink another bottle of bourbon? Take. Another. Particularly noxious shit?) he should always know that he could call her. In the enormous pile o’ paper trail that stokes my bitterness this gem resides. Of course, the operative is “gets so down”. In thirty years of allowing me to perform as a superlative domestic, sex partner and entrepreneur, Shnookums is/was awash in unhappiness. He should drown in it, and she should spontaneously combust, as she is soooooo warm-hearted.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Smart is Hard

Smart is hard, you might consider going on CL forums to talk it out. My ex extolled the virtues of his OW quite a lot and she was self righteous as hell, but they both suck and their opinions don’t matter. Jedi Hugs!

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
8 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

My ex told me I wasn’t spiritual enough so that was one of the many reasons he gave for his serial cheating. So to be clear, I supposedly wouldn’t pray with him so he had to go do escorts? To be fair, he did convert his final affair partner to our faith and personally baptize her before he married her 5 months post divorce. She “needed” his spiritual guidance I suppose.

Nicole
Nicole
8 years ago

Ah yes, the Jesus Cheaters!! One of the reasons my Ex gave for leaving me for his “twu wuv” was that she was more spiritual and a better Christian. Yep, nothing screams good Christian woman like screwing a married man.

Janus
Janus
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

OW got herself baptized by the Archbishop of Canterbury, then kept sleeping with a married man – on Christmas, no less

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

Same here. My not being Christian was a problem, so he solved it by fucking as many Christian men and women as possible.

twitching
twitching
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

They think that OWhore would make a better pastor’s wife than me. Because he’s the pastor. Still. Still preaching on his robe every single Sunday.
I don’t go to any church anymore.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  twitching

I don’t either. OW was the most obnoxious Jesus cheater-“I’m not perfect, just forgiven.” She was also the poor little church mouse, who was constantly poor mouthing and borrowing money from X. Imagine his suprise when he saw the fianacial affidavit in her divorce, which showed she and her husband made over $225,000 a year!

kb
kb
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole

My STBX’s father was a cheater, too. The long-term mistress was the elephant in the living room, and no one ever talked about her. After STBX’s father died, I heard the tale of when STBX’s late mother found out about the OW and was shouting about how she was a whore, etc. STBX’s father said that she was a fine, church-going woman.

The same family member (a cousin) who told this tale said that STBX’s father said he and OW knew that what they were doing was wrong but they couldn’t help themselves.

Yep, nothing says “entitled” better than a sense that God threw the two of you together just so that you could commit adultery with God’s blessing.

somuchhurt
somuchhurt
8 years ago
Reply to  kb

Oh yes the Jesus cheaters! The stupid whores actually think God will send them someone else’s husband!!!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  somuchhurt

My ex actually said that God sent him OW in answer to his prayers, because she made him not gay anymore. There’s so much delusion wrapped up there, it’s hard to know where to start.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Sorry to hear that, GladIt’sOver. I don’t know if you’ve been on the Straight Spouse Forum (which led me here, thankfully) but it seems to be a common experience that closet case cheaters move on to another “beard” and continue on in denial. For me the special brand of hopium I snorted after Dday was hoping he would finally come out and give me the satisfaction of knowing it most definitely was not anything about me that drove him to cheat. Nope. All indications are he’s moving on to his next clueless victim, and looking back, he may also have cheated on me with women too, despite the fact that he is not physically attracted to the opposite sex at all. He does love the adoration he gets from women, though, when he lays on the narcissistic charm!

hanecita
hanecita
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

That must be a really magic vagina that can cure gayness….She could go into business and rent it out for those who want the cure.

sara
sara
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ya. Good luck to her with that.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

He baptized her and gave her spiritual guidance? Talk about the blind leading the blind!

joyce
joyce
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I guess his bible is missing the scripture in Hebrews 13:4 which states: “let marriage be honorable among all, and let the marriage bed be without defilement, for God will judge sexually immoral people and adulterers. ”
My STBX also felt sorry for his whore, because she did the samething with another married man, and he was trying to help her get out of it. He helped her get a job as his assistant where he worked, a job I helped him to get. Then he was trying to make her become an independent young women, because he could see all the potential in her. The karmabus already hit them, they both lost their job, she stole some money and he because of unethical reasons.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  joyce

Guess they also forgot about Commandment Nos. 7 (prohibiting adultery), 9 (prohibiting lying), and 10 (prohibiting coveting your neighbor’s wife). But how can we expect cheaters to remember these things? They’re only written in books placed by the Gideons beside *virtually every seedy hotel bed used by cheaters everywhere*.

With all those missing pages, the Cheater Bible must really be more of a pamphlet than a book. . . .

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

The most amazing response when I pointed out all the hotel receipts was, “how do you know I wasn’t just tired”. Mind you they were for different women in different locations around the state. And these women think their special?

atmeh
atmeh
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Mine wasn’t troubled by commandments, being a skeptic, and had to save his supposed “brainwashed by the church” brought up, “praise jesus” sign offing (but doubted her religion when he didn’t go for that stuff) helpless mother of four with sketchy story of mistreating husband. There are social service agencies for that if you need help which I don’t think she did. It was the story to make it seem right. Her husband didn’t make enough money and her “poor” children had to share a room. Her husband sure was mistreated with her cheating though and I heard he was a nice guy. I had to re-buy my house and had daughter’s college fund slashed. She and her children are living just fine now apparently. She is pathetic though. It takes more than poaching another woman’s home and husband to come up in this world.

tony
tony
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

the buffet Bible.

Pick and choose what passages you want!

Heavy on the forgiveness ones…

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

and that’s after they’ve satisfied themselves at the “all you can eat” hotel bed buffet.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago

In a conversation about howorker (before DDay and the horror that goes with it), xh had told me howorker’s husband was a bum who never kept a job, never did anything around the house, and was always drunk. Thank goodness her knight in shining armor rode in to rescue her. Screw them both!!!

newchumpatl
newchumpatl
8 years ago

Mine also did this, complained about MOWhore’s H. When he was continuing to defend their “friendship”.. I said, what you you think MOWhore’s H would say about you talking to his wife everyday and hanging out at her apartment? Blank Stare.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  newchumpatl

X was being “just a work friend” to bimbo as she struggled through her divorce. Now X, Bimbo and her daughter-rapist ex are all best of friends.

Have at it!

nic
nic
8 years ago

The howorker in my case was so fed up with having to be with males all the time, 4 boys and a husband. Hence screwing someone else’s husband. She’s as intelligent as a bag of hammers.

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

She’s just like my exh! We had four daughters and my exh couldn’t handle us,so he kept seeking out other women. It makes perfect sense!

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

After the trip at the airport where we offered free transfer service, my ex left me with my sister’s family because he could not stand the idea of poor Russian woman eating all alone for her first evening on the Riviera. As if there weren’t a lot of Russians in Cannes. As if restaurants were hard to find. At the same time, he was still holding to his narrative: “she happens to travel in our area, we’ll show her around when we want but we don’t have to”.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

By the way, Russian woman could not drive a car. And she could not speak English, of course could not speak French either. She definitely needed help to visit the lavender fields in the mountains. She needed help to do just about anything. Leaving her to travel on her own had never been an option.
Me: – I bet that when she bought her plane ticket, she thought you were single, right ? That’s not very nice of you to inform her at the last moment
Him: – But, she is happy !
🙁

Stayin Strong
Stayin Strong
8 years ago

“She’s a good person and just needs a friend”. Guess he never understood that if you are in a “friendship” that is something you don’t have to hide. Friends don’t have secret lunches, friends don’t show up on “guys weekends”, friends don’t fuck you while you are in marriage counseling, friends don’t tell everyone that you are their soulmate, friends don’t encourage you to abandon your family, friends don’t tell you that “kids are resilient, friends don’t take on the role of wife while you still have one. That’s not a friend, that’s a manipulative bitch.

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Amen to that. OW was the ‘Mama loves you type’. Shitty-associate Mama from Hell. I welcomed her to my family with open arms, just should’ve told her where the dogs sit.
And yes, she is a soul… And yes in a few generations I will be able to say, “Who’s yo Mama now?”
…. getting there.

(Eat my hormones you moaning whore.)

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Wow, i could have written that. She was also willing to leave her 4 kids & husband and start life anew. My fucking life.

wat700
wat700
8 years ago

Yeah my ex said her OM was a good person “going thru a tough time” in his life / marriage. And she was “going thru a tough time” too. They understood each other… He wasn’t a bad person. And she just made a mistake (18mth mistake). But it all unravelled when he found out his wife was cheating on him (again). In short order he got separated, dumped my ex (after telling her he’d just been using her) and then he suddenly became public enemy number one in her eyes (she tried all sorts of revenge on him). At that time I was apparently meant to feel sorry for her for being used and angry at him for what he did to her. What happened to her was just as bad as what happened to me… Consequently she is now the ex!

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  wat700

WTF? You’re ex was too dumb to stick to how she made a mistake and instead expected you her betrayed spouse to pity her for being dumped by the guy she betrayed you with? That takes it to a new level right there.

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  wat700

watt 700 , I just love happy endings ( when AP hate each other).

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  wat700

Oh yes, the nerves ! We are to witness their need to take revenge, and we are expected to feel sorry for our cheater and angry at the other person. They take our partnership for granted in ANY situation !!! And they are totally oblivious to the fact that we are hurt. We are perceived as an extension of themselves !!!
My cheater: – the guy she dumped me for is ugly, that makes it even worse
Me: – well, that’s good, now you know how I feel !
* crickets *

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Well, my loser doesn’t go after lowly victims. After marrying me, his “ideal dream woman” and realizing that wasn’t what he wanted, he prefers homely looking idiots with lots of money who have no problem sponsoring his existence.

He knows he’s a bottom feeding underachiever, he knows no one could possibly need his help with anything…he’s incapable of completing any task and knows nothing of things in the handyman arena.

Although the post today doesn’t hit home for me, I enjoyed it all the same!

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Doesn’t hit home for me either. Married howorker was everything I wasn’t. He started taking her advice about everything. Her chiropractor, her drain cleaner, guinea pigs were better pets than rabbits…. (I had a rabbit). I heard her name and “words of wisdom” over and over. She actually went out and bought him said drain cleaner at the beginning and “selflessly” wouldn’t take the money for it. Alarm bells started to ring for me then. Especially when he had to go get her a Dairy Queen gift certificate to say thank you while I was being treated like shit. It sounds so ridiculous. F*****g drain cleaner. My advice never counted for s**t with him. I’m sure she crapped roses too. And in the end it was me who paid for the plumber after the perfect drain cleaner didn’t work. F’n stuff is so caustic it is actually illegal in this state.

TheLadyisaChump
TheLadyisaChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Reminds me of the time Handout Boy bragged about “treating” his co-workers (back when he still had a job) to Shamrock shakes. It was the same day he brought one home for everyone in the house but me and said “I thought you’d be napping so I didn’t bring you one.” WTF?

Lina
Lina
8 years ago

Mine did shit like that. Last Valentines Day I got nothing.

Dairy Queen must have been a fav of the slut. He started to leave for work early to stop there on the way. I just know now he was bringing her DQ treats to work.

Sephage
Sephage
8 years ago

From my stbxw when I told her that her ap had a reputation as the town philander (I had someone in the neighborhood tip me off to their affair, and have since discovered that he has had at least four other affairs in the neighborhood in five years): “He’s been through so much… his ex wife is crazy… here has their adopted kids the majority of the time… people say a lot of things about him that aren’t true!”

Because, you know, someone who preys almost exclusively on (much) younger married women couldn’t possibly have been lying just to get in her pants, right? And reputations couldn’t possibly be based even partially on facts, right?

No, he was IN NEED!!! No way he was also sleeping with one other married woman and one other single woman at the same time he was my stbxw’s affair partner, because that would mean he was lying to her, and he wouldn’t lie… except to carry on their affair… err… uhmmm… wait a second….

😉

tony
tony
8 years ago
Reply to  Sephage

I always wonder how some people are so good at their con that they can get away with multiple partners – many of whom are in relationships – at once.

Are they that good looking? Charming? Are there that many idiots in the world with that low of self-esteem that they fall for it?

Of course the ultimate question is: Why the hell did I put up with someone who would fall so low so fast for so long?

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

Tony

X was a master. If you met him you would never know.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

Not only was my ex fucking two married women at the same time, he got them to have threesomes with him. He’s very good at what he does. The king of manipulation.

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

It probably wasn’t that difficult to get married whores to do threesome’s, Glad. They like to pride themselves on their cutting edge bravado…

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  tony

Mine was dating two at once though they did not know about each other. He was not that good of a con at all and he is an average-looking middle aged heavy guy with receding hair although he does have an amazing ability to SPARKLE and make people feel good. Til he outright discards them if they are not useful. He was amazingly stupid and sloppy, but I believed every lie until he got so sloppy I couldn’t possibly spackle my way out — messaging one skank for a drinks and massage lunch date (in front of me!) while I was serving him breakfast, hiding sex stuff in our car that I cleaned.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

This one was pretty stupid:

Me: “Why don’t you just come home?” (stupid in itself)

Ex-wife: “It’s not that easy. I could be pregnant by him.”

Michael
Michael
8 years ago
Reply to  Michael

One more:

Ex-wife: “You and him are very different.”