The Jeff Bezos Lauren Sanchez Wedding Extravaganza
Amazon broligarch Jeff Bezos marries his affair partner Lauren Sanchez this weekend and the Venice wedding venue proves unpopular with the locals.
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I interrupt this scheduled Friday Challenge to snark about the Jeff Bezos / Lauren Sanchez wedding happening today! It’s always a blessed event when the monogamy-challenged marry. And you could do no better than to take over the island of Venice for some shock and awe impression management.
Local media have reported the couple will hold a ceremony Friday on San Giorgio island, across the lagoon basin from St. Mark’s Square.
I think a manure lagoon might be more appropriate.
The lavish Bezos wedding
The opulent three-day event is estimated to cost between 40-48 million euros. Money that could well be spent improving working conditions at Amazon warehouses, immunizing poor children, or buying your own archipelago alternative to Venice. But hey, all the world is a stage and Lauren needs a backdrop for her boobs.
Alas, the people of Venice props are not happy and many plan to disrupt the event.
The protesters, who have adopted the slogan “No space for Bezos,” appear to have already met some of their goals. The party planned at the Scuola Grande della Misericordia, which the protesters intended to block, was moved to another location. The booking for Mr. Bezos’ superyacht to dock in Venice was canceled.
On Monday, the British anti-billionaire group Everyone Hates Elon, together with Greenpeace Italy, laid out a giant protest banner on the stones of St. Mark’s Square. “If you can rent Venice for your wedding, you can pay more tax,” it said, above an image of the laughing billionaire.
Venice’s authorities were furious about the protests, which they called “reputational damage” to the city.
“He could have just got married in Beverly Hills,” said the Rev. Stefano Visintin, of the Abbey of San Giorgio, the Palladian church near where Mr. Bezos is expected to host one of his parties.
Oh Rev, they could’ve skipped getting married all together. Forsaking all others is an anachronism on par with 16th century frescos. Lauren and Jeff are here for the parties. The A-listers. The bling! And the 21st-century hydraulics required to lift Lauren’s décolletage into her assorted evening gowns.
What the hell is Lauren Sanchez wearing?
This look reminds me of one of those vintage frilly tissue dispensers.
I guess the brocade is a nod to some Venetian ecclesiastical garments. But what the hell with her unnatural itty-bitty waist and the plastic surgery? Does she imagine Jocelyn Wildenstein is some sort of aspirational look?
Who I am I second guess Jeff Bezos choice of Schmoopies. But dude, you could’ve had or bought anyone.
I wonder what MacKenzie Scott is doing this weekend?
Probably giving away billions of dollars to worthy causes. Staying out of the limelight. Enjoying her Jeff Bezos-free life.
Tracy, we need a Friday Challenge!
Okay, tell me what you’re bringing to the Bezos wedding. An inflatable alligator? A Bezos mannequin? An I-don’t-give-a-fuck casserole?
TGIF
@cbsnews Life-size mannequins of billionaire Jeff Bezos have popped up throughout Venice in protest of his multi-day wedding to Lauren Sanchez. #news #jeffbezos #amazon #venice #italy #laurensanchez #wedding #protest #mannequin ♬ original sound – cbsnews
Well, this is weird. Whoever manages Lauren Sanchez’s Instagram removed the post featuring her Thursday outfit. You will just have to imagine the frilly tissue box.
Rumor has it Bezos didn’t legally marry Sanchez in any jurisdiction. Allegedly, no valid marriage certificate has been filed with any of the relevant authorities.
True to FW form there, if true. My ex husband pulled this con with my kids’ stepmom after they had a backyard wedding during the 2nd summer of Covid. FW told the preacher he’d take care of making sure the signed marriage certificate was properly filed. Meanwhile, his “Wife” thinks he trusts her completely because he never asked her for a prenup (which he didn’t need).
OMG that Thursday dress is horrible. Just awful. Not that I’m surprised.
Venetians are so creative. I adore the Bezos mannequins– same humor-as-political-resistance approach as CL and CN. 😉
Oh, it’s because she changed her name to laurensanchezbezos — and the account now has one picture. Of her marriage today. She is reborn!
Bezos looks like Her Star from the Preacher comics. I’ve wanted to draw a line in his forehead to make it look like a dick. I’d bring a sharpie to do just that.
Of course in the comic the line in Her Star’s head was made by someone carving it in his head with a knife but I would probably get arrested…
I had to google Herr Star to get a look, but you are absolutely right!
If I could include pictures in my comments, I would have added this scene from the comic of him standing in front of a mirror trying on hats and wigs to cover the newly-healed dick-like scar in his head. If I’m not mistaken it was Jesse Custer who cut him after calling him a dick-head.
This is all rather triggering to me. My ex left me after 30 years of marriage and shaved his head. It’s not an attractive look for him – he looks like a muppet – but he secured an hispanic coworker to be his new wife. There is something weird and creepy and Handmaid’s Tale about all these newly bald men.
I will never think of him without a sharpie line. My sides are aching, KattheBat.
Everyone attending looks like a comic book villain, truly.
Where’s Batman when we need him? Oh right, probably on the guest list. I’ll settle for Moon Knight on this occasion though.
Let’s bring vuvuzelas
Love the idea, but aren’t those poor Venetians suffering enough?
This is a bit off topic, but oh, God!!!!!! That frilly tissue dispenser — my former sister-in-law (second wife and previous affair partner of my then husband’s brother) filled her house with that sort of thing (very Dallas/Dynasty; it was the end of the 80s). She and hubby had just bought a big house in the country and were so very proud of it, showing off to my husband and me, who didn’t have that kind of money. After we had been shown to our guest suite, my husband was plainly bursting trying not to burst out laughing, and when our hostess left us alone, he dragged me into the bathroom and pointed at the embellished wastebaskets, nearly identical to the symphony in peach frills pictured above: “Look,” he gasped out, “look at the lace vaginas!” And we collapsed.
Venice is one of my favourite cities on the planet. Well done, Venice, for making your views known.
I think Lauren is wearing the drapes from The Sound of Music, refashioned into a wife appliance robot gown. My gift would be the books “Disarming the Narcissist” and (of course) LACGAL!
I wonder if she realizes he’ll trade her in in a couple of years? No, of course not. Not my problem, anyway.
One narcissist deserves another, I’d say.
Paste Venice with giant posters of Mark Zuckerberg ogling Lauren’s boobs at the president’s inauguration.
I get having a nice wedding, but not the over-the-top ones. The blatant display of wealth is just weird in light of the times we live in. But so it is.
My marriage and divorce spanned about the same time as the first Bezos marriage, so I certainly got the parallels. And now a wedding to someone vastly different than Jeff’s first wife, who by all accounts, is a thoroughly decent person. But that was my situation as well.
A close friend of mine asked me not long ago how I felt that I had changed since my ex left to reinvent himself. Really the same, but way better. That’s the hope for us.
It would have been a nice gesture to have a quiet ceremony with family and close friends. And donate what they would have spent to nonprofits.
Of course, no way would they do something like this.
Yes, I agree. A friend of my adult kids recently married, and they had a courthouse ceremony with twenty guests, and then went to a nearby deli that had a party room for lunch. Their pictures in old town are gorgeous. The sister-in-law of the bride is a wedding planner, and she reportedly was totally miffed. LOL.
What would I bring?
1. Enormous plastic beach balls (Jeff seems REALLY fond of them);
2. Something that sparkles wildly even if it represents nothing (Lauren seems REALLY fond of these, like a crow); and
3. Zero fucks.
But really these two have what they truly deserve in each other: Like all APs who marry, their union is the most horrific and beautiful justice imaginable. And I would add that Venice is the perfect place for them to marry, as their marriage—like that island—will be overrun with fakery and frippery while it sinks into the mud under its own weight.
To the happy (smugly, falsely) couple: Vattene ‘affanculo!
As usual, you nailed it!
“Vattene ‘affanculo!” 😂🍾🥂
Yes, slowly sinking is a good metaphor for this marriage.
Along with “unsustainable.”
She bought two dresses at the thrift shop and sewed them together. I’d bring a hat full of sequins to complete the look.
I would gift my absence on the grounds that the “Bezos people” (along with their conspicuous consumption) are not my people. I doubt that they would miss me … but that would be their loss and not mine.
LFTT
Also, to quote the Duke of Exeter in Henry V ….. “Scorn and defiance; slight regard, contempt,
And any thing that may not misbecome.”
But that would probably going wooshing right over their heads.
LFTT
The wedding gift I’m bringing are the two plastic surgeons from “Botched”, to deflate Lauren’s lips and boobs. You’re welcome.
She USED to be pretty. Now she looks overstuffed with silicon. Why would any self respecting woman allow a surgeon to massacre her body? Appreciate who you are. Love who you are. If your husband to-be encourages plastic surgery, he is not a healthy partner. Run away!!!
On a serious note, I wonder what it’s like to haul those things around. Especially in Texas, in the summer. Maybe she never goes outside.
Must require a lot of powder to keep the boob sweat from running down her abdomen. She looks ridiculous.
Be careful — the resulting windstorm might clear the canals of all their water.
😂
I’d bring three manikins.
In the middle would be a bald, old Bezos in a tux. He’d be turned to kiss the bride, but he’d have a sign on his back that read “When a man marries his mistress, a job opening is created. Apply today!”
The bride has a brown wig and ridiculously fake breasts. She’s kissing Bezos with a sign of her back that says “He won’t cheat on me like he cheated with me on his first wife.”
The last manikin is a matching brown wig (’cause he seems to have a type) with big boobs in something reminiscent of Lauren’s body-con dresses. She’s tapping Bezos’ hand with a sign that says “I’ll sleep with a guy twice my age for a payout of hundreds of millions!”
Again, tired of women who sell themselves out for men with money. My ex-husband left me for a girl 21 years younger than ourselves. The girl got all my husband’s money, lots of trips, and a nice Chicago apartment.
Very similar situation – FW is 50, the child mistress is 24 (she started as an 18yo sugar baby he found on an arrangement site for married men). While we were married (I’ve learned since DDay) she was getting trips whenever I was out of town and he called out from work, shopping sprees, extended hotel stays during the week and unlimited access to his uber account and credit card–all while I was working two jobs and he was telling me how broke we were.
They now live in a $4k/month luxury apartment. At the same time, he legally and financially abuses me, dragging our divorce out for 2.5 years *so far*, filing endless motions implying or stating that I’m a lazy gold digger–he’s no Bezos, he’s an RN! He makes a nice living, but he’s not a millionaire/billionaire, ffs!
I’m so sorry, Conchobara. I’m sure he looks ridiculous with the young poopsie on his arm, and who knows how long it’ll be before she finds a better prospect?
There are quite a few mannequins of Bezos and Sanchez in Venice this weekend, not just the one CL posted. One has him sitting on a golden toilet, amazon boxes and cash at his feet. He’s reading the Washington Post (which he bought), and the headline is: “Male Orders Bride.” 🤣
1) Yellow cake uranium. Seems fitting given how radioactive the guest list is.
2) A Walmart gift card. One Jeff to another, he’s getting divorced again and will probably need it when this is all said and done.
Have a Fuckwit Free Friday!
Yeah, I laughed hard when I saw her in that stupid dress. This poor woman will do ANYTHING for validation and attention.
They deserve each other. And they will be very happy, I’m sure…
And then there is MacKenzie. She’s lovely, inside and out. I am glad she is no longer with Jeff, he doesn’t deserve her.
i’d bring a large dish of puttanesca, loosely translated to “like a whore” pasta. seems about right.
Ooh. Good one.
I wouldn’t waste my time with a gift or much attention spent on FWs. I would just be low key walking by with my LACGAL Patreon “Trust That They Suck” bag slung on my shoulder.
Yeah, I laughed hard when I saw her in that stupid dress. This poor woman will do ANYTHING for validation and attention.
They deserve each other. And they will be very happy, I’m sure…
And then there is MacKenzie. She’s lovely, inside and out. I am glad she is no longer with Jeff, he doesn’t deserve her.
Why oh why do cheaters get married? What is it about that institution that drags in even the rich and famous who love to have side peace and laugh at monogamy? I do not get it at all!!
I’m guessing it has to do with attention. They will do whatever and spend whatever to garner attention – from anyone. This whole Venice wedding is just about awing the public and garnering attention. Seems pretty pathetic to me. But I have no doubt this marriage won’t last longer than 6 months.
My guess is 2 years because that’s how long these celebrity marriages seem to last. Case in point: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.
Pretty sure Lauren was forced to sign a tight as a fist prenup..and she may get a certain amount per year she stays or rather per year he keeps her. My sis signed one and hers was..very little unless 10 years..she squeeked to 10.
I’m going to go with one of the reasons our leader Chump Lady gives: As a cover, to look normal.
And to throw a party with Me me me central to shoow I am just as normal and sorry to imisbehave that one time?
Forgive me if this is a repost, but my crummy connection in the mountains fails regularly:
How long is she going to be able to keep her upper arms raised so as to not squish the sides of that silly bodice?
Speaking of raised appendages, I hope that guy contorting his right arm to help all those losers into their gondolas gets an extra large tip for being forced to:
1. wait while they posed for interminable photos
2. smile while he’s melting in the Venetian sunshine and humidity.
My wedding gift? A donation to a group that provides reconstructive surgery to burn victims and amputees.
I would bring a pull chain with a large garish tassel on the end to match the lampshade she is wearing around her upper half. Yank on the chain and her boobs light up.
Perfection.
My wedding gifts are this tee shirt;
https://www.redbubble.com/i/t-shirt/Is-It-cheat-day-yet-by-alexmichel/25563961.FB110
And this water bottle;
https://www.redbubble.com/i/sticker/I-m-Probably-Lying-Funny-Sarcastic-T-Shirt-by-NewwaveLine/91370766.EJUG5
I’m bringing this but someone else will have to eat them since I don’t want to consume the human DNA in wieners. Looks just like Jeff, huh? https://www.instagram.com/glizzyloveweddings/p/C9t2iF1xRiW/
😄I love me a weiner wedding.
Hmmm…
I’d bring manners, class, dignity, integrity, credibility, emotional maturity, ethics, morals, empathy, and trustworthiness because I know they don’t already have any of those things and clearly money can’t buy any of it.
For the record, the classiest, most elegant, most beautiful wedding I have ever seen was the wedding of JFK Jr and Carolyn Bessette Kennedy….
https://images.app.goo.gl/FVsZ6gxUUcc78dEY8
Im sure there is a prenup saying she will get incrementally more money the longer the marriage lasts. And if he dies again she will get a certain amount. This is a purely transactional marriage. Alot of men are fine with that, because its all about power. Love is unimportant. Its a spectacle to watch.
I give this marriage 2 years, tops.
I believe that back in the day, second weddings were traditionally subdued and quiet. That custom is long gone, of course. And “subdued” and “quiet” don’t fit with these two. But really, this is excessive. Not that they care what I think.
And to make myself clear, I don’t think people should be ashamed of remarrying or anything silly like that. But seriously, this is insane.
I was thinking of Bezo’s chump yesterday, his ex-wife Mackenzie. I hope she had a great day surrounded by real friends & family. What would I bring to Bezo & Sanchez wedding? A bunch of testing kits: STD test, Lie detector test, values testing. All the things a superficial cheater wedding needs.
I’d bring some white satin material so I could complete the top of the brides wedding gown and save her from embarrassment, wardrobe malfunction, and breezes. And a giant and heartfelt Congratulation card…to be sent to MaKenzie.
I hate to say this, but her wedding dress wasn’t terrible. I was expecting something a lot more… extreme. I’m not going to post a link to a photo because I don’t want this comment to get caught in the spam filter.
I’d bring his ‘n her conjoined inflate/deflate high-tech pumps.
Everytime Lauren’s boobs or lips need some air letting, a handy interlinked air valve will take care of what would otherwise be tragic environmental wastage -and pump up Jeff’s waning member.
Anytime Jeff has a passing, accidental moment of insight, than whoosh, a rush of air from his (momentarily) dented ego, is channeled directly into puffing up Lauren’s butt.
A whimsical gift variation on ‘you scratch my back, I’ll scratch yours’….
This gift will potentially have macro applications as well.
For every over inflated piece of shoddy hubris that flows from the wedding festivities, at least one inch of Venice will be retreived from below sea level.
Anna Wintour couldn’t (wouldn’t) make it to this particular wedding, but a flock of Kardashians did. A Cull of Kardashians perhaps?
If the energy from just one Kardashian brain fart could be harnessed at this very special occasion, just imagine the philanthropic, image management opportunities for Lauren?
World peace! Rocket Ships! Multi Boobs for all!
The magic-marker thunder-dome boggles….