Who are we talking about, Tracy?
Amazon billionaire Jeff Bezos’s former side chick, now fiancee. They just had a big engagement party and all the Fabulous People were there. Oprah, Kim Kardashian, Chris Rock, miscellaneous moguls, supermodels… you know, the usual glitterati.
Wait! Lauren Sanchez isn’t an affair partner! And Jeff Bezos isn’t a cheater! They just had perfectly choreographed divorces and THEN met each other!
I’m sorry to burst your carefully crafted timeline. Remember that whole National Enquirer phone hacking scandal? And Bezos’s cringey I will not be blackmailed! Medium post, where he bravely did not exactly admit to an affair, but took great umbrage about “below the belt selfies.” (They just HAPPEN, okay?!) The New York Times reported:
The inciting event in this battle of American titans was the Jan. 28 edition of The Enquirer, which hit supermarket racks on Jan. 10, one day after Mr. Bezos and his wife of 25 years, MacKenzie, announced that they would be getting a divorce. The tabloid devoted 11 pages to the story of Mr. Bezos’ affair with Ms. Sanchez, calling it “the biggest investigation in Enquirer history!”
The Enquirer boasted that it had tracked the couple “across five states and 40,000 miles,” furtively observing them as they boarded private jets, rode in limousines and repaired to “five-star hotel hideaways.” The article was illustrated with paparazzi shots of the unwitting couple as they stepped onto a tarmac and arrived together at what the tabloid called “their beachfront love nest in Santa Monica.”
The tabloid also published amorous text messages that Mr. Bezos had sent to Ms. Sanchez. “I am crazy about you,” he wrote, according to The Enquirer. “All of you.”
All of you, Lauren. And it doesn’t matter if you’re 35% silicon. Or injected with the tears of a thousand underpaid assembly line workers. He loves YOU. Not the mother of his four children, MacKenzie, who just happened to very conveniently divorce him as the tabloids were closing in.
Who are we to doubt their love? You can tell Lauren loves Jeff because she dresses him. See the 2022 disco party. After that cowboy hat, are we doing all the Village People?
But CN, this isn’t about Jeff Bezos and his midlife crisis makeover. It’s about Lauren. And her triumphalist win of the pick me dance. DO YOU DOUBT HER FABULOUSNESS? Annie Leibovitz photographed her for Vogue. Anna Wintour signed off on this shit.
First there was the fluff ball interview.
Bezos seems the one who has changed—and that’s by his own account. “She has really helped me put more energy into my relationships,” he says. “She’s always encouraging me: ‘Call your kids. Call your dad. Call your mom.’ And she’s also just a very good role model. She keeps in touch with people. I’ve never seen her put makeup on without calling somebody. Usually her sister.”
Hey, so what if MacKenzie quietly gives away billions to charities? Lauren calls her sister. WITHOUT MAKEUP. #rolemodel
Next, there were the photos.
I know you’re wondering what dystopian fantasy this is lifted from, but it’s just Bezos’s doomsday clock that he keeps in his Texas basement, “for the future.” Because advanced life forms are going to marvel at a mechanical timepiece. (A technology we’ve had since 1270, but hey, it’s HUGE. #Texas.)
Lauren is just daring those gears to grind her into finer silicon particles. But they don’t. Because they realize they’re in the presences of greatness.
This picture reminds me of that 60s housewife advice to greet your husband at the door wearing Saran wrap. But tin foil works too I guess. #JiffyPop
Snark fails me. When you wear your best gold lame bathrobe to the warehouse? What is this picture? There’s some sort of surfeit of doomsday clocks. But also a broom, dustpan and yoga mats. WHAT IS THIS?
You can see all the photos here at Lauren’s Instagram.
Okay, Lauren. I give up. You win Jeff Bezos. We cannot compete with your cool chick hype.
Somewhere MacKenzie Scott is writing a check to a deserving orphanage. Alone. Without Annie Leibovitz. Without makeup. #TeamMacKenzie #rolemodel