The Most Self-Pitying Message from a Cheater
Her self-pitying serial cheater, whom she nursed through cancer, would like her to know that he feels very alone and abandoned right now. The Friday Challenge is cheater self pity combined with a blithering lack of self-awareness.
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Dear Chump Lady,
I was wondering if you would like to translate this gem. My ex posted it to an account I see all the time. He cheated on me multiple times over 20 years but “never had sex,” according to him. I made him move out after more lies.
It was a year and a half after his cancer battle, which I was there for all of while taking care of a daughter in a severe anorexia relapse and a son with depression. My kids were both suffering terribly while he went through cancer, my daughter almost died.
I simply can’t believe he can spin this like this.
It mind blowing. It’s hard for me to not be angry.
This is his post.
Thank you for your note. It’s amazing the time people pick to leave you whether emotionally, physically (or both). I can’t say l’ve always been the best husband (I haven’t been), but I really feel like I went through cancer myself for the most part and, it was devastating and honestly I do not think my heart will ever recover from that. I know what goes around comes around, but if I knew chemo and recovery would be followed by separation and imminent divorce, I would not have gotten treatment and I would be gone now.
Queen Silverbell
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Dear Queen Silverbell,
Oh, the poor sausage wishes he were dead, does he? I’m reminded of that Scrooge quote. (Substitute orphans for FWs.)
“If they would rather die, . . . they had better do it, and decrease the surplus population.”
Scrooge
But alas, thanks to your tender caregiving, he’s survived long enough to mindf*ck you.
Stay no contact.
He refers to a note. If you sent your cheater ex a get well card, expect hostility and self-pity in return. No contact is for you, for YOUR sanity. He fired you from the job of caring when he cheated and lied. Worse, he extracted your caregiver services while he was cheating on you. You don’t owe this creep ANYTHING.
I’m sorry you bred with him, but he’s your children’s cross to bear. Their relationship with this emotional vampire is their business. Just follow court orders and be the sane parent. Nothing in that decree says you must send this guy an edible bouquet for his suffering.
I simply can’t believe he can spin this like this.
Trust that he sucks. Tattoo this on your forearm if necessary.
He cheated on you for 20 years. He sucks. Of course he spins. That’s what masters of the dark manipulation arts do.
Stop being surprised that he sucks.
It’s amazing the time people pick to leave you whether emotionally, physically (or both).
It’s amazing the time people have to conduct double lives. Emotionally, physically, locked in the bathroom pooping with their cell phones. The mind wobbles.
I can’t say l’ve always been the best husband (I haven’t been),
Translation: But you should remain a faithful wife appliance. My investment in this relationship is irrelevant.
He has a sadz.
but I really feel like I went through cancer myself for the most part and, it was devastating
I went through cancer myself! Could your cells mutate for me instead?
honestly I do not think my heart will ever recover from that.
My manipulation game is still on point, however.
I know what goes around comes around,
Actually, I have no idea how consequences work. Remind me again why you’re not changing my bedpan?
but if I knew chemo and recovery would be followed by separation and imminent divorce, I would not have gotten treatment and I would be gone now.
If I had only known that Schmoopies were not reliable caregivers, I never would’ve agreed to a divorce.
***
Pay no attention to his feeble guilt trip. If your kids are still minors, talk to your lawyer and make sure he has a life insurance policy so you’re not out child support.
But thank you for the Friday Challenge. CN — Any cheater self pity combined with a blithering lack of self-awareness to report?
Oh I got a good one.
I’m not in the dating market anymore (happily engaged!) But back when I was on the apps, met a guy and hit it off. We went through about 3 years of on-off (we’d go like…9-10 months of “on” then he’d decide he was “too busy” then a month later be back “on.” It was so bad.)
Anyway, he starts getting really negative, spotty with responses, and just overall really cagey and easy to piss off. I’m asking him what’s going on and he’s been not himself and is there anything wrong? (I knew his family was dealing with an illness.) He kept avoiding answers and being vague about his negative moods. Then he just ghosts. For two months. Of course that put me into an emotional roller coaster not knowing wtf happened or what I did.
Homeboy pops up again, apologizing for disappearing, then telling me he’s been so deeply depressed and it’s eating him up and he must talk to someone to get it off his chest. He needed to talk to me so badly!
I get on the phone with him and this mofo tells me he has such a saaaadz because he’s been sleeping with a coworker, who was engaged to her long term boyfriend, and she was moving away and he was never gonna seee her agaaaaiin! (Cue violins) Oh and also she was 13 years younger than him.
I told him he brought that on himself, he is utterly clueless if he thought I was going to feel sorry for him, what made him think I was the one who would give him any sympathy, and this is completely on him.
He got so mad at me for “kicking him when he was at his lowest and most lovesick. And I only care about myself.”
That was about as rich as a devil’s food cake and more ironic than an Alanis Morissette song.
That was the last time I talked to him. Good riddance. From what I heard he started stupping another coworker (a married one this time) so I guess he had a type: “already in a relationship”
Push pull hot cold rage pity party channels JFC all signs point to a narcissistic cheater! Glad you got away from that mess
He was probably testing your boundaries, hoping you would start doing the pick me dance for him. Thankfully, you opted out at this point.
By then I was pretty sick of it all. At one point I would have given my left foot to be with him but by then my heart and mind were tired of the push-pull and as much as it all sucked and the (inevitable) crash and burn caused me pain, I am SO glad he’s gone for good.
Klootzak had written on a Post It note in his home office, “Loneliness isn’t being alone. It’s the feeling that nobody cares.”
Apparently loneliness causes d*cks to wander. I was lonely while he was off fracking strange but remained faithful. And yup… I stopped caring the minute I confirmed he was cheating. Funny how that works.
Well there was time that Ex-Mrs LFTT accused me of being uncaring because I hadn’t offered to help her when she was bedridden in her flat whilst recovering from an operating on her back.
The fact that our Divorce had been finalised two months before the operation, that I had custody of the kids (and was thus quite busy) and had also just been promoted at work (which made me busier still) counted for nothing apparently …. and me having the temerity to suggest that she should look to her AP for support just confirmed that I was also small minded and bitter.
Who knew? I just thought that I was enforcing a boundary.
LFTT
Small minded and bitter, like that is a bad thing. You have heard me say it before, but …I was a great wife but I would NOT have been a “great” (no matter what rubric he might have used) XW.
From painful experience, I would now rather offer help to a complete stranger who is in need than to someone who has betrayed me badly in the past. After all, the complete stranger would also be more likely to support me in a true emergency than the person who betrayed me.
What is also alarming about this is her children’s mental health! Thats a reflection of a narcissist dad!
My classic is my ex’s statement that he’d never forgive me for not bringing tween to visit him during COVID lockdown because he was lonely and scared by the bodies stacked in the halls outside his door. He wanted me to expose myself and tween, despite a permanent no contact with tween order from the judge, and a no-visitors policy at his senior health facility, as well as everywhere else.
Our daughter stopped talking to him almost two years after he left. She would have been almost twelve.
Daughter’s therapist asked us to go to co-parenting therapy. I refused, because therapy does not work when you lie, don’t follow the suggestions, and are drinking and using. He continued to badger me to go. I finally caved and went. I said I would go, but it was going to be the best therapist I could find.
Enter Dr Kickass.
At one point he complained to Dr Kickass, “I feel like I’ve been cut out!”
Yes, you read that right. Wife and child who he had abandoned for an illicit massage parlor worker, et. al, are the real killers, the villains who had cut him out of our family.
Incredulous, I said, “YOU LEFT, remember?”
Dr Kickass said to him, “It looks like you are getting a taste of your own medicine.”
That alone was worth all the time and money spent on sessions with Dr Kickass.
Not long after that we stopped seeing her.
Why?
Because he was lying, not following suggestions, and definitely still not clean and sober….
Right after our divorce was finalized, FW and I had to go to the bank to split off our accounts. You know how everyone says “to be safe, close your account at a bank where you share accounts and open a new one at a different bank”? Yeah, well I didn’t listen (everyone else, please heed that warning!). It turned out that FW could still access my accounts and I didn’t know (the bank made an error. But I couldn’t see his accounts). So on Easter Sunday morning a few months later, I wake up and happened to go into my banking and saw $1,000 had been pulled out of the account I had marked as my son’s Savings. I could see it was FW that did it and immediately texted him. He responded “it’s Easter! How dare you bother me on Easter!” I said “how dare you steal from my accounts on Easter!” He immediately returned the money. Then I said “great, you’ll go with me to the bank to fix this Monday.” He tried to ignore me. And I let him know that if he didn’t that I’d file a police report. So he showed up on Monday with me at the bank and while we sat with a representative (I was heated that the bank f***ed this up) he said sweetly “you wouldn’t report your son’s father would you?” I said “you knowingly stole from your son’s account and violated our legal agreement — so yes. Yes I would.” I did file a report btw — to protect myself in case he pulled that sh** again. That $1,000 was clearly a test to see if he could sneak off funds without me catching it. That idiot
The pity party was in full swing following a penile implant after prostate removal. The narrative that followed was being in a sexless marriage. After finally being able to use it I was informed he’d found someone.
With it followed years of pissing through money following divorce. And now both of them are living with significant health issues. I’m guessing the thrill is gone.
Dodging that bullet was a blessing.
About a week after I discovered my partner of 24 years and father of my children had been living a double life and having a full blown affair, he sat at the breakfast bar having a sadz – he was suddenly feeling lonely because I’d made it very clear he was to pack up his sh*t and get out.
No, mate – the very reason me and our kids’ lives have been destroyed is because you were the very opposite of “lonely” for the last 18 months.
He also had another sadz about a week later when it was his birthday and he had planned to take the kids out for dinner but both of them completely forgot it was his birthday and I, naturally, didn’t remind them.
He is the true victim in all of this.