The Narcissist Checklist

narcissistegokibblesI noticed in the comments the other day, on Eat, Pray, Kibble (or as my husband has renamed it “Cheat, Prey, Wuv”), you guys were starting a narcissist checklist.

Before I get the inevitable criticism that we’re arm chair-diagnosing narcissists, (hey if the Google glasses fit…) we’re not looking to contribute to the DSM or Hare checklist here. Today’s exercise is just coming up with some characteristics that might give you pause.

Does she enjoy Esther Perel TED talks?

Does he have three motorcycles, three cars, and four kayaks, but can’t buy his mother lunch?

Does he ask you out to lunch, insist you only split an appetizer (because hey, you’re not hungry, right?) and then berate the waitress?

Did she spend the rent on a Bedazzler?

Tell me, chumps, what are you screening for these days? Help your fellow chumps out.

Subscribe
Notify of

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

460 Comments
Oldest
Newest Most Voted
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Sad in seattle
Sad in seattle
8 years ago

I have two: more shoes than me – expensive ones – and eagerly belting out karaoke without a single drink and with no fear in a crowded bar.

Sasanka
Sasanka
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

Oh my goodness, that!! He had millions of shoes! Everywhere! Closets were full, under beds, in boxes…me and the kids had literally 2 pairs each at any given time (one winter one summer, I kid you not), and they were by the door. Else he will pile up his shoes on top of ours in the closet. The hell if we put our shoe on top of his!

When pregnant with first child, I walked all winter in fall shoes with the nail protruding through the heel to my foot. Another winter I walked in white worn out running shoes.

When I got bigger an no longer fit in my regular clothes, even with rubber band around the button on pants….I asked to go to at least to Value Village to get $4 large pants to survive. He made a big argument yelling at me why can’t I wear just long johns! I’m not joking. I almost had a nervous breakdown in that fight..

All throughout 11 year marriage, I had also about one sixth of our bathroom vanity to myself, he would purchase 3-4 perfumes at a time for him. I didn’t have even one for years on end. He said because mine were more expensive…and his cheaper.
My vanity is half empty now, I’m learning it’s okay to purchase a cream or a fancy perfume for myself. My mirror and sink is clean.

Even though I worked and paid the bills, and he was just home going to his ‘self employment’ when he pleased if he pleased, I could not take a shower in the morning because the bathroom was his, I had to take mine at night and apply makeup at work.

Work was 7 min away by car, the car I financed, but he told me to take 2 buses to go to work, I was 7 m pregnant in winter.

One interesting pearl just weeks into marriage..We were going to sleep on our queen-sized bed at night and he lied down on it diagonally across. I didn’t think much of it just asked if he could move over so I can lie down..He exploded on me essentially telling me that I can curl up in either corner or get the fuck out but I don’t tell him how to lie down in bed…I had no idea what was happening..

I had two babies (was late twenties, and PCOS so rushed it) and I slept on that dented, damaged, queen-sized mattresse on the floor (no bed) for four years of marriage. Only after many bitter fights I was finally allowed to purchase an Ikea bed and dresser.

There is so much more, but I get pain in my right side when thinking of these things, the stress and trigger is still fresh, so I better stop now.

I wish I could go complete NC, but 4 little ones. I am slowly finding ways to avoid him more and more. Life is soo much better now, and I will get to MEH. Not because I ‘love’ the SOB, I hate the SOB, but precisely for this. I need to stop feeling the regret, anger and hatred for him at some point because it is not good for health. God will destroy the scum. Sasanka, breathe. God bless you all, mighty survivors.

Ali Rose
Ali Rose
8 years ago
Reply to  Sasanka

Holy cow, Sasanka, you are awesome for moving on from this male version of Imelda Marcos and continuing on with four kids! Maybe change your contact name for him on the phone so when he calls you can laugh at Imelda calling for his shoes. The pain is fresh, but you are wise to keep breathing and surviving. Soon I hope you can find humor in his absurd behavior. His shame is not your shame.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

The joy, Sasanka, is that you value everything more. Children, shoes, a peaceful night’s sleep. A bit of room on your bathroom counter. You are seeing what is there, not what is missing that was never really needed. No one can give you back your original hopes and dreams for the shit for brains you married, but every step forward can be a monument to your mightiness.

I too was told that I liked to wear shoes that messed up my feet while I walked lots to take buses while (drumroll, please) my ex took my car for months and had me ride the bus and make my car payments and car insurance payments in addition to paying for the bus, and walking home through the ‘hood late at night when he would escort our guests to their cars because it just wasn’t safe. Why? He’d parked in a bad place one night and his car was impounded, but because it was on the city line, He “needed a car” and thought I didn’t. I didn’t find who had his car for a long time. I filed the paperwork and got it back, and got him paid $1200 for the issue, but I didn’t see a dime. Just a dirty filthy car with no gas left in it when he got a new one. And I still married that pig. I tell myself I was so focused on getting through school and the promises for after, but that should have told me everything I needed to know.

Good luck to you, sweetie.

Rachel
Rachel
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

What is it about narcissists and shoes?!! He had the designer wardrobe and expensive watches and would go shopping in Bond Street every week while I shopped in TK Maxx! He certainly put the ‘arse’ into ‘nARSEsist’.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Rachel

OMG! Mine had a watch box that displayed his watches! I actually bought him an expensive watch he wanted during false reconciliation! He foolishly left it on the dresser and I confiscated it before kicking his ass out for good! When he came to pick up his belongings he asked for the watch and I told him to …… Well, you know what! Then he comes out with, “That’s not fair!” Needless to say I went into an entire list of what was not fair and he shut the Hell up! I told him I would give the watch to my next husband or boyfriend who would be a REAL man! And his clothing and shoe collection was outrageous! HE had the walk-in closet and an extra closet in our bedroom cause he had so many outfits and ONLY designer crap! So glad he’s gone!

Seeking Peace
Seeking Peace
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Oh yes! The vast collection of watches! In fact I am pretty sure the OW bought him a watch for Christmas and he pretended he bought it for himself. Also, latest technology was a must (cellphones, cameras, TV). Right now he only buys designer clothes for our kids. I hope they won’t grow up thinking that’s what’s important in life!

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  Rachel

It’s their costume and their armor, Rachel. My narcissist’s inventory (and I assure you, these are low estimates. I counted one time, so these are fairly accurate):

Shoes: 110 pair (many of which were alligator and crocodile)

Ties: 320

Slacks: 110

Dress Shirts: 270

Cashmere Sweaters: 300 (no lie!)

Cashmere Vests: 110

Belts: 170 ( many of which were alligator, crocodile, snake skin with sterling silver buckles)

Rolex Watches: 13

Suits: 40

Sports jackets: 60

Coats/Jackets: conservatively 300

Boxers: 80

This list doesn’t include jeans, tees, sweatshirts – anything casual.

This man used to bitch at me unmercifully for spending too much on clothes at WalMart and Target for myself and our child. He spent half his life sneaking to and from the dry cleaners, hiding clothing in our basement – sickening!

These narcs have no idea who they really are and are so vacant inside that they think they become the facade they erect on the outside. It is so creepy to fathom what goes on inside their heads it gives me the willies.

MsChump
MsChump
8 years ago

Wow, your detailing my stbx’s wardrobe…..I hadn’t thought about this much. (I was a good programmed chump believing whatever bullshit he’d spun me on it I guess) Again, the narc / cheater script is always the same. I was wasteful and spent too much on clothes, he went right ahead. His sister visited once and told me she felt sick as it was obscene to look at all that ‘stuff’. Thank you CL and chump nation – keeping chumps sane and mighty, one day at a time 🙂

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

With mine it was Diesel jeans. First bought in his 50s.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I second that, Tempest. You know mine had the Diesel obsession, too.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

After whores started talking to him at work, it was always GAP Sexy Boot Cut jeans. We couldn’t even afford them. I only shop at Ross and the like, but no him. “Other jeans don’t fit me right!!” Not kidding – until he wore holes into the inseams. Then, when he was out of work for 18 mos, he actually bought JEANS PATCHES to fix the inseams!! What a fucking moron!! Being on unemployment with his wife working full-time, working on a master’s and coaching their kid’s soccer team taking didn’t bother him, it was that he didn’t have his Sexy Boot Cut jeans. SOOOOO glad that douchebag is out of my life.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

OMG, he must have had a whole walk-in HOUSE to hold all that!!

uneffingbelievable
uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

It was so laughable! The enormous walk-in closet wasn’t enough – the huge sitting area in the bedroom was incorporated into the closet as well. And even with all that room, other closets in the house were used by him and there were piles of of clothing, tags still attached, in every closet. He was such a hoarder, but he only hoarded the best! After reading every book on narcs ever published, I came to realize that because there was nothing inside of him, he only cared about first impressions. It didn’t matter that he had no character, personal dignity, that those closest to him knew he was a raging asshole – as long as he LOOKED like a successful business and family man, he thought he really was. If he wasn’t such a bastard, you’d almost feel sorry for him. Almost.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

You could sell that inventory under his nose and make a fortune. Truly. Enough to be comfy for the rest of your days, for sure.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

X never planned one thing during our marriage. He could NOT plan a date night. I would ask where do you want to go? His responses were ALWAYS, I don’t care. Then I would do all the work around my interests and sure enough the complaints would roll in. If you do all the planning it will always be your fault when they aren’t happy.

X spent thousands on drums and was never in a band. Ever. He also bought a car and had spent at least 6000 in repairs and the book value is 500. Not a dime was spent in restoration or antique plates.

Selfishness

The list is endless. I had to pay for my meals when we went out. He slugged down 5 drinks and the expensive meal and I ordered soup or a salad. X would never try new restaurants.

I had to pay for half if every hotel to bring my son to college and the gas and tolls.

X never did my christmas shopping. He would say pick something out. For my last narc year if being attached to the asshole I picked out a sweater for 125 dollars and never heard the end if it.

In christmas we picked names and he bought one small gift yet never bought me a thing.

I can’t drink beer due to ingredients. X would bring home a CASE if beer and offer me one continuously. Then say oh that’s right you can’t drink beer. Not once would he bring home a nice bottle if wine.

X was angry if I spent any time with friends and made fun if my best bud. He called her names and got all my children to despise her even though she is awesome. Now they see it and she was my greatest support.

X was a killer of any joy I had in my life. If I walked in the door excited he made sure to wipe that smile off my face pronto.

The grooming was never ending. Hours were spent in the bathroom and he asked me what underwear made him Look good.

I hate this mother fucker. He is a narcissist diagnosed by the expert victim after 41 years of abuse. Also a serial cheater sociopath. That is what I divorced a very sick soul sucking leech. He hasn’t changed an ounce. He’s on #17 and seeing 18 and 19. Yup. Dont need that anymore.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

“…reducing my needs…” Yep- “Narck-y” to a T!!!! He told OWhore that I “never wanted to go out”…the last time he took me out for a “date” was to see Dracula movie last October (HE wanted to see it, because he’s a soul-sucking vampire, dontcha know) then bitched and complained about the movie admission tickets, the snacks, and the ice cream afterwards- we got home and the mother fucker asked to go out to see his loser friends…stupid little slut can have his ass!!!!

Blackbird
Blackbird
8 years ago

Unsinkable Molly – hell yes! Arsehole spent all his time complaining about how boring our life was, and how we never did anything, but if I ever suggested a movie or activity or restaurant he would turn it down, or agree, but spend the whole time complaining. He ruined so many events with his negative attitude. Why, oh why, did I blame myself for being boring instead of seeing him for the negative, whinging bitch that he is?!??!!!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Blackbird

YES, Blackbird!!! Every.Single.Holiday/Special OCcaision!!!! I had to deal with his “sadness” that nothing he expected panned out to his desires!!! Selfish, selfish asshole!!!

He “doesn’t dance” and I may not qualify for Dancing With the Stars, but I’m not going to sit there at a DANCE and not dance…he would just sit over there and act like he was super-stud, but then get pissed if someone else asked me to dance!!!!

NoGriefJustRelief
NoGriefJustRelief
8 years ago

Oh, my favourite story about X ruining special occasions: last Christmas I hadn’t picked up on his hint that he wanted an XBox One. He went very dark, very fast. Christmas dinner was very tense and almost silent (lovely for the kids) – except for the soundtrack X put on. LEONARD COHEN. Yes, he hnest to God played Leonard Cohen’s dirge-like misery music through Christmas dinner because he didn’t get the toy he wanted.

The last few months have been awful, , but at least thank God I never have to stress out over Christmas gifts for him again.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna: Details are different, but I relate to your posts sooooo much. The planning an event and then hearing the complaints roll in.

This should have been a red flag: first year of our relationship I wanted to go to an Ethiopian restaurant that everyone raved about. Weeks went by before Hannibal Lecher would even consider it. He finally agrees to try the restaurant, and then complains the whole damn meal, “Ew, you have to eat with your fingers! The chicken dish wasn’t that good! Essentially, I was being groomed to never ask for what I wanted because then I would pay the consequences (didn’t fully work, but I did reduce my needs).

Jackass also ruined EVERY SINGLE momentous event in my life–got so drunk at our wedding I had to go take care of him with the trash can next to the bridal bed. Was grumpy during first child’s birth, and asked to go out for a drink with a friend rather than witness the birth. Berated me to the point of sobbing the day after second daughter’s birth. We get a new puppy and he won’t let anyone hold it in the car, even though the kids had been waiting years for a puppy. The list goes on and on. Divorce was a relief.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“I was being groomed to never ask for what I wanted because then I would pay the consequences (didn’t fully work, but I did reduce my needs).”

spittle…barf…hurl….

The first hint of this type of behavior, the mother fucker should be kicked out the door. It makes me sick that I put up with this bull shit more than once.

Thank you, Tempest. This should be in the top ten of the check list.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Hey, friends – there’s an equally evil type of douchebag who flies under the radar, and pretends he has zero needs against yours. It’s this “lack of need” that slowly drives you crazy over 23 years, because NO ONE can have zero needs, right?! Even when you ask, beg, plead with him to communicate his needs, you get next to nothing. In fact, he even says, “I don’t need anything. I just want you happy.” FUCKING LIAR! These quiet, scheming cheaters cater to what you want to do, and show little to no real emotion, all the while they are exploiting the trust you give them about what they say the moment they’re not under your watch.

Don’t be confused, they most definitely are generating ego kibbles for themselves with whores at work, or pretty much anywhere else they go or can get them. Meanwhile, the distance in your “marriage” grows, along with the lack of affection, closeness and intimacy you thought there once was. These asswipes just get worse and worse at hiding their “quiet & caring” fake disposition to the point that they silently scream at you who they really are: completely disengaged from your marriage, children, and family. Oh, they’re getting their kibble. Just not from you. AND, they silently convince themselves moment-by-moment that YOU are the reason they have to kibble-and-affection-whore themselves out.

“You’re always angry!” the douchebag yelled at me on DDay. Ummm…yeah, you fucking moron!! You REALLY don’t see the direct connection between your emotional and physical cheating on me for 17 years, and your “wife’s” anger, frustration, and continual begging you for love, closeness, attention, and intimacy?!?! You REALLY believe yourself to be that awesome at scheming and fucking around behind your wife and childrens’ backs, AND being some sort of husband and father of the decade?!?

But these types of cheating douchebags convince themselves they had a right to their predatory kibble-whoring. Because the x-douchebag was SO uninvolved in our family life, I was the one busy working my tail off to keep it all together. Do asswipes like this think, “Hmmm. Maybe if I help out as an equal partner, she’ll be less busy and available to me. She might also be less tired, and more loving and appreciative of me…” Nahhhhh – that can’t possibly be the solution. I’ll just kibble whore. That’s easy, and it’s all I understand, plus, I like my dick feeling like junior high all the time.

To emotionally connect? To be emotionally healthy? To understand and practice a mature love through action?
Awwww, HELL no!

If they’re the silent type, you better make sure you have full access to E V E R Y T H I N G. If he has nothing to hide, he’ll offer it up. If he refuses, run. Mine was silent, but was in NO WAY an introvert, and I should have seen that those two combos don’t add up. And no, he was not some sort of “quiet thinker.” Pretty much a mind-numb moron who watched life and real achievers like me pass him by. That dumbass NEVER inspired me intellectually, emotionally, or otherwise, and in return got unconditional love, support, trust and my wasted loyalty.

I never played marriage police because I never imagined I’d waste 23 years on a quiet, caring, no-personal-needs, fucking DOUCHEBAG cheating, abandoning whore.

Don’t buy the silent type bullshit. Not in this day. My entire family (parents, grown sibilings, kids) all know my passwords to my iPad and phone and they’re welcome to pick up, log in, and use at ANY time. I have NOTHING to hide, and only my integrity to share. There’s a double-life going on unless they give you full access. Period.

Figher
Figher
8 years ago

Wow KibbleFree – such creepy similarities! My partner was always very passive aggressive, repressed a lot. His only ‘need’ was to make me happy, he claimed to have no other! He regularly sulked that I never appreciated him enough, yet every time I approached him, he never had an examples or suggestions for me! He also complained that he did something just to make me happy, insinuating that I was controlling. No matter how many times I told him “don’t do something for me that you are not happy with yourself”, he still went ahead & did it resentfully, but pretended he wanted to. He also regularly withdrew when he didn’t get sex for more than 2 or 3 days. When I suggested a possible sex worker to match his sex drive, his words were “I can’t fuck random people, I need some sort of emotional connection”.

Nothing could be further from the truth!! His was addicted to porn, and had so many online profiles looking for random sex – I lost count! He just pretended so deeply about who he was on so many levels. His narrative is : “I’m just a really nice guy, I’m humble, I”m a social worker, people take advantage of my niceness, I’m a good guy who’s always under appreciated”. That whole, fake, quiet, caring thing. What he REALLY is, is a coward who can’t admit what his needs are , gives emotional guilt trips, won’t take personal responsibility, pretends he’s happy when he’s not, which then makes him resentful, which then makes him take it out on you by cheating around. What pisses me off is that no one can see it! Even his wife, back when he was married (some time ago) didn’t know what he was like. I’m the only one who has uncovered who he really is. Makes me sick! Yes, the covert, passive aggressive ones are REALLY sneaky – they are like Hitler’s gas chamber, slowly, slowly,…..

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

KFMM–you’re right. The past few years of the marriage, mine had gone from demanding emotional needy jackass to seeming more mature and tolerant of my not kowtowing to his every need. I now suspect that is when he started to up his game, including on adult hookup sites. He just took his “needs” elsewhere.

Kay
Kay
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Mine is the quiet one too. It’s horrible. Until they aren’t. And they are so angry and hateful and terrifying.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hey, Tempest – exactly! Those “needs” are always base in design, and never contribute to the good of the relationship or children. They suck!!

I forgot to mention that when I finally started sniffing around things, the douchebag’s “patience” quickly faded, and then the raging started. When I finally thought about it all, EVERY time I was getting too close to discovery, he would rage. He punched holes in walls, and would be the coward he really is (he abandoned, remember?) and would run off or drive off. Always said it was to “calm down,” but these sneaky bastards feel their masks start to slip, and it’s too close to us finding them out, and they rage to distract us. It’s SOOOO obvious now. Truly patient, calm, quiet, caring people with nothing to hide don’t rage.

Love all your posts, girl. You’re awesome. (((hugs!!)))

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Mine would call and accuse me of trying to get him fired by snooping around about his affairs with graduate students.

Love you, back, KFMM!!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest

That is an excellent way to describe it, “reducing my needs”. By the time it was over he really didn’t think I had any. I swear having a child was traumatizing to them. X cheated while I was pregnant with my first two.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Mine wouldn’t allow children at all. It would have meant that he could not have what he wanted when he wanted and how and where he wanted. It would have meant that his needs would have had to be secondary to another person. I could withstand that, but a child could not. Hence, no children allowed. The very prospect can send them into a very bad tantrum. Like a grabbing your hair and slamming your head against the wall tantrum. “I know I promised you a child but you won’t be a good mother because I won’t let you be so understand that now!” Yes, divorce was a relief. Having no children with such a beast is a relief too, sad as it is.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Survivor

So glad your safe now.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna, I’m safe for some years now. But still wrestling with exactly what happened to me back when. What sort of evil was that? I think I am healing here with the rest of you, even if I’m old enough to be some or most of your auntie.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

They suck you into a vortex that makes you feel that you are the only person in the world and then they slowly twist the scenario till they have you feeling that the very existence of the relationship balances on a knifes edge and the balancing act is all on you.
They over value themselves while pointing out everyone else’s short comings.
They dismiss your concerns for their disrespectful behaviour while deflecting the awkwardness of the situation back on to you. Because it is not what they did it was just how you took it.

kaf
kaf
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

This is sooo my life right now. My soon to be ex said that ” I had every right to be upset about what he did but I had no right to react how I did”. Who the hell are you to tell me how I should react? What??? Did my reaction upset your 22yr old babysitter slut that you slept with in our house??? He has even told our 16yr old daughter that nothing is going on between them and mom is just being a hormonal bitch

Erbrown83@gmail.com
Erbrown83@gmail.com
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

“They dismiss your concerns for their disrespectful behaviour while deflecting the awkwardness of the situation back on to you. Because it is not what they did it was just how you took it.”

This is so my life right now! He wonders why I can’t stand the sight of him and why I am so “harsh” all the time. Well because you still with your HOmewrecker and it makes me sick. Working on our “co-parenting” isn’t possible when I hate the sight of you! Not exactly to Meh! but seriously just pick up the kid and get gone!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

Er
Everything they say is their truth. You really don’t have to explain yourself. Disengaging in that dance usually works.

kaf
kaf
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

I find myself constantly trying to defend myself and I have to stop because his mind is warped and everything he does is right and moral in his eyes and everything I do is wrong. I have to learn to stop taking the bait but it’s hard to not want to defend yourself against ridiculous accusations. I just hope the guardian ad litem can see through his lies and don’t believe him

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Explain yourself to him that is.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

yes, every time he flirted blatantly with every waitress or cashier, and I acted uncomfortable (usually while the woman was glaring at me or else looking at me pityingly), he got extremely mad at me for being so ridiculously “jealous.” They didn’t have to be pretty or good looking, he flirted with every single one of them. I’m sure half of them felt sorry for me. The others were so flattered they handed him MY change after I paid.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

For x it was always looking and trying to get eye contact from women. And he always walked behind not next to me. The only time he wanted to touch me was when he wanted sex

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna – THAT!! I’m freakin’ 5’2″. The x douchebag is 6’2″!! How in THE HELL was I always able to walk ahead of is lame ass?! It does not make sense!! Now I know. He was likely trying to find eye contact from whores, or it was just illustrative of the distance he continued to emotionally and physically create between us. He’d never walk with me as a partner, or ahead of me to lead our family, but like a disengaged moron always in the back.

(((hugs, Donna.)))

Kay
Kay
8 years ago

I had to walk behind.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

TheMuse…..I can relate. Mine was flirtatious with all women too, including MY friends! Then he’d blame his ADD. You know, you can’t control your actions AND you don’t even realize it when you have ADD!!!! (his excuses)
Here’s a good one too……we were at a restaurant and he stared non-stop at a picture on the wall because it reminded him of MY girlfriend. Yep, he had a thing for her too. He’s a sick fuck and I can’t wait for the karma bus to run his ass over!!!

Seeking Peace
Seeking Peace
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

Or he is just a “friendly”, social person and I am not.

nodancing
nodancing
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, you described it perfectly. I love the part about how it’s not whatntheyndid but how we took it. STBX thinks his actions should not have an effect on my behavior.

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, that was a GREAT description! I can completely relate.

natalia
natalia
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

So true…my ex put me literally on a pedestal, and I fell hard…now I am the most horrible Person according to him…I tell him, I may as well act the bitch you Porträt me to be.

hurt1
hurt1
8 years ago
Reply to  natalia

I, too, was on a pedestal for a quarter century before the pedestal was pulled down like the statue of Saddam Hussein when the US invaded. Then OWhore became the occupier of the brand spanking new pedestal he had erected(no pun intended) just for her. I don’t know if he pulled that one down too or she jumped off herself but he has since erected another pedestal for his wuv-to-be. As I’ve posted here he was my everything until I became his nothing & now, vice-versa. Good luck with your future pedestals you F’in asshat!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  natalia

X never put me on a pedistal. There wasn’t enough room.

magicrain
magicrain
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

i hear ya….. i was to clean and polish
the pedestal…

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago

1. No pets. If they don’t have a pet I think it is a huge warning sign – shows they are incapable of loving/caring for others.

2. Never lived by themselves

3. If they have kids, never attended kids activities or kids won’t speak to them and blaming X for poisoning the kids against them.

4. Won’t admit they ever made mistakes.

5. No signs of introspection.

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

I’m glad most narcs do not have pets as most likely the pets are disposed once they are not cute and fun…way too many dogs in the 5 years and older group on craigslist, etc. Usually with the “moving cannot keep” horseshit excuse. As much as I dislike lots of legislation, laws, etc. we have got to have some stronger laws in this country for pets. You have a pet and want to get rid of the pet, fine, guess what, no more puppies for you. I used to drive by a house that always had a pure bred puppy in the yard, I swear once the dog was a little over a year it was gone and then would be replaced by another puppy.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

I agree; I volunteer at the Humane Society and am appalled by people who give up pets when moving as if they were an old couch. One dog was so distraught by its owners leaving it that it turned vicious and had to be put down.

My X gave up his previous dog to his former ex-wife after the dog became inconvenient. I should have paid attention to that.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My ex isn’t a narc, but she definitely finds pets disposable. She left her son’s sick cat behind when she left her second husband, and then left me with the dog we adopted at 6.5 years old. One of the last things on her exit checklist was offering to euthanize a cat of mine that her son had taken as his own.

I’ll never again trust anyone who has left a pet behind and isn’t tormented over it.

informal
informal
8 years ago

Mine always had a dog. The thing is that he cared more for and spent more time with the dog than his family. If she was ever left in our care while he was away, the kids would panic something would happen to her and there would be hell to pay. Rarely spoke to us but would light up like a christmas tree with other people and his dog. Notice it was not the family pet.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

I had to leave pets behind. Two bunnies and seven fish. That was to keep the twin cats adopted before marriage that the fuckhead wanted to separate over a decade later. I kept the cats until they were 19 years old and failing in every way, but I kept them together. I’ve never felt good about leaving the rest of my babies behind, but apartments don’t like rabbits, even if they are house trained. And the fish were pretty new. The ones left behind were all gone a few years later, and yes, I felt like hell for not protecting them. But then, I couldn’t even protect myself adequately.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

I’m so sorry that you had to leave some of your pets behind. I’m sure you realize that I wasn’t directing my comments at anyone who had to leave a situation not of their own creating. Willingly leaving pets because “I’m not happy” is so very different that being forced into a situation caused by some asshat blowing up your family.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

I was fighting “pet visitation” also at the time. Like, dear court, tell me where she ran and let me into her house regularly to see my very dear but unloved cats. Including the one I threw against the wall over and over again during the night until he had no cartilage left from his hips to his toes. The worst arthritis ever seen in a cat by that vet. All from his abuse. I understood that threat.

I should have taken all the livestock and never looked back, but I’d never have been done with him. Like children, they will use pets to keep their hold on you.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Yup, it’s my fault DD14 won’t speak to him. I “turned the children against him.”

And when I asked for a notarized signature from him allowing me to take DD14 out of the country for vacation, here was his response, “Is this really necessary? DD14 refuses to have any contact with me whatsoever. Given that, it is a matter of no importance or interest to me where and whether she travels. As far as I am concerned, you can take her anywhere.”

Father of the year, eh?

Mehphista
Mehphista
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Shit sammich for your kid. Simpler for you….still sucks.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Mommy Chump….the XPOS had 2 dogs that NEVER were allowed in the house (on rare occasions if inside he would hold them so they couldn’t get on anything) and they lived in a cage in the garage that attached to a doggy door that only went outside.
And yes, both kids ended up not speaking to him and he always blamed his X for ‘poisoning’ them.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Mommy Chump

Mommy Chump

My daughter fosters dogs yet asshole never wanted one because HE didn’t like dogs. X made many comments about not liking small dogs specifically. Guess what #17 has? It’s a small, ugly foo foo dog with bows. And after he left I was cleaning up the fur from my bedroom. On a side note my daughters dog no longer gets excited to see him.

Wow he NEVER lived by himself in 57 years.

Seeking Peace
Seeking Peace
8 years ago

1) he got the walk in closet as he had shoes to match every single outfit
2) never on time….always late for everything
3) grooming (especially towards the end of marriage)

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Seeking Peace

Seeking Peace……..always late and extreme grooming he did too. He went from being a very hairy man, (back too) which I was totally fine with, to a hairless wonder, including plucked eyebrows, no hair under arms or on arms/legs, and nothing where his viagara induced appendage was!!!
I’m sure it was because if you’re boinking a stripper she would be hairless too.

We didn’t live together so the closet was all his and he did have many, many shoes too! He had purchased about 8 pairs of the identical shoe because he loved the look and feel of them so much! (he can thank me for picking out the fab shoe!).

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

And going hairless reduces the risk of crabs when you’re boinking strippers.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thank you, Tempest!!!! ROTFLMAO!!!! Now I know why he started shaving his balls!!! OMG!!! I thought it was for ME!!!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

Manscaping… Who wants to sleep with a giant hairless fetus?

Blackbird
Blackbird
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

The Clip OMG you are funny! Hairless foetus – EEEEEUUUWWWWWWW!!!!!!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Blackbird

Go Clip, you nailed it!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip

A giant hairless fetus. So fucking funny. No one.

DramaFreeMe
DramaFreeMe
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

LOL!!!!

Sad in seattle
Sad in seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Seeking Peace

Late for everything! So true! It’s just disrespectful and entitled.

I forgot one: expects help from the neighbours but won’t return the favour or acknowledge it in a normal way, like a bottle of wine after the neighbour took in the mail while he was away on vacation.

Another one just popped into my head: goes big on presents for virtual strangers (ie plans going away party for acquaintance coworker) but can’t scrape together the cash for a birthday or anniversary present.

I have another! Doesn’t keep promises after you agree to something, for example, refuses to take vitamins or cut back on drinking after you’ve spent $10,000 for IVF.

Sasanka
Sasanka
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

Yes, chronically late!!!….for …..my and children’s appointments, for his parents, but never for his appointments! I thought he had a genuine problem due to his laid back ‘culture’ and poor parenting. Until I realized he had a list A and a list B. List A were people who mattered. But not as people to be respected, only as money/business contacts to be made. List B were unimportant chumps who were not going anywhere anyways. I didn’t realize the far bigger picture of utter disrespect and abuse.

magicrain
magicrain
8 years ago
Reply to  Sasanka

mine would come but we BETTER LEAVE when he wanted to. and NOT a minute later.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

Yes! He was either late or showed up stoned and or drunk for any special event. I dreaded holidays and the repetitive cycle of his inability to contribute to any conversation.

X was very intimated by anyone who was self made and confident. The only people he interacted with were customers.

The word is out in our small town about his lying and cheating, alcoholism, porn and drug use. X brought # 17 out in public to places I frequent and created quite a buzz. Multiple people have stated politely that there’s something off about her, he needs glasses, and that she has no filter when she speaks. On the second occasion he was politely asked not to bring her into an establishment because she harassed employees. I have to agree with my therapist that he can’t find anyone intelligent and attractive who would want him. Isn’t that karma in a neat little package? Haha

KB22
KB22
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

From your previous posts #17 is only 18 or 19 correct? I would say she is somewhat deranged to go after a man in his late 50’s. Most female borderlines have “Daddy” issues. Very sick.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Yes she has mental health issues also. If he was going out with a child I would most certainly report him without hesitation. Sorry for the misunderstanding. And she does call him daddy thanks for checking.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

OMG, Donna, I LOVE you!!! HAHAHAHAHAAAA…”..she calls him ‘daddy’…” ROTFLMAO!!! I needed that one!!!

STBXH is 37, his little skank-slut is mid-twenties, 2 kids under age of 5, and her XH left her for a stripper and “doesn’t pay her child support” to which I snapped, “Neither do you!” He quit talking after that!!!!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

Why do they like the fucked up messes they create. And bragging about the details. Yes it sounds so romantic. Their so dumb.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  KB22

No, #17 is the 17th whore he had had that I know of and 18 and 19 are the two he is dating while he’s lining with her. No he isn’t with a 17 year old. He’s with an ugly pig his age.

Digbert
Digbert
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in seattle

Yes! This ……late always and over the top pressies that I would pay for for everyone else yet I was lucky if I got a card…… Hated wasting money on anniversary gifts ………

GetAClue
GetAClue
8 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Same here for the narc operating on his own time, with blatant disregard to other’s needs. I was often frustrated that as a couple, “we” ended doing his activities all day (mostly shopping) on the weekends because he just wanted to do his thing. He seemed to think we had all the time in the world. Narc’s probably do that because it’s hard for them to consider other people’s feelings.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  GetAClue

No, GAC, it’s impossible to consider others’ feelings if you are NPD disordered.

chumpinator
chumpinator
8 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

Ah yes, the almost total inability to comprehend time. We see this as being rude and perhaps a conscious act of self-importance. It is rude. However, observing my narc I almost sense that it is more like they are in a “me bubble” where time and “other” does not compute. They don’t feel empathy in the way that we do, so they not to feel the pull that we do towards being kind to others. It’s all about what they are doing at the moment and what they want to do next. Others only enter into the picture as a source of supply. Not outgoing concern.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpinator

One of the few things my ex and I used to argue about was his constant lateness. He was late for EVERYTHING, it was infuriating. I viewed it as a combination of not giving a fuck about anyone else and a total lack of time management skills.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Check. I got that one too. Chronically late. Never figured it was a core issue. There were too many others.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
8 years ago

For the male of the species:

1. He preens in front of the mirror or any reflective piece of glass to the extent it would put Narcissus to shame.

2. He uses and wears to bed more cosmeceuticals than you do.

3. He’s first through any door despite wind, hale, driving rain. Too bad for the elderly, infirm, pregnant, harried mother with a stroller, or gentle wife.

I could go on…but I’m trying to forget….

GetAClue
GetAClue
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

I can relate to the vanity and the over-grooming. I thought it was funny someone like me who isn’t into fashion or beauty routines paired up with a guy who loved to get dressed up and had more hair supplies than I did. I am female by the way.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  GetAClue

This ^^^^

I am a no frills type of girl when I would have my nails done or my hair XH would need to go and get his eyebrows waxed. My marriages was a constant competition.

Gaby
Gaby
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

See the light, I totally relate… My kids made fun about how much time he spent puting in anti-wrinkle creams and…
1. Botox ( I actually told my 19 year old son he might be the only boy whose mom doesn’t use Botox but his farther does)
2. Testosterone injections (paid $1000 a month for an anti-aging team of doctors to keep him young, he was 41!!!)
3. Tanning beds
4. Ridiculous young looking wardrobe.
5. Obsessive vitamin and supplement taking
6. Obsessive food preparation so he would be “in the zone”.

Silly me!!! After 20 years of marriage I just thought he was having a midlife crisis. I know now he had been cheating for years.

The OW gets this jewel now.

I’m am trusting that he sucks.

FinallyMovingForward
FinallyMovingForward
8 years ago
Reply to  Gaby

This is my first time posting and want everyone to know how much your insight and experiences have helped me through the last year. I am just a few days away from signing the dissolution paperwork and am hopeful that everything is finalized before the end of August. My 58-year-old is having a PA with a 28-year-old girl he supervises. DDay was October 14th and it has been ridiculous ever since. I heard all of the narcissistic language and am trying not to be angry that I was completely duped by him. He continually stated it was over but today, when we traded vehicles for a few hours, I was able to listen to this lovely CD that his new pedestal girl had made for him. How special… More kibbles for him and I am DONE doing the “pick me” dance. Your comments about vitamins, supplements, eating certain foods and using special creams on their face/body sound just like my life with my somatic narcissist. It was a gift to find this website!!! Thank you!!!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago

Hi FMF, the support here saved me and helped me feel and move past that important anger Blackbird is talking about. At first I could not wrap my head around “trust that he sucks,” but it has become my healthy mantra that also is helping me move on. Sorry you have to go through this but I welcome you and hope you find relief here.

Blackbird
Blackbird
8 years ago

FMF – welcome to this (ultimately) happy fellowship! I am so sorry you have had to join us, but equally convinced that at some stage in the not too distant future you will have a sudden, strange moment where you realise your heart is light and free and happy, and you are so much better off without him!

The only advice I can give you: feel your anger. It is righteous anger, you have been right royally tucked over, and that anger is a message from your own deepest core telling you to protect yourself. You have a right to be angry – own it like a boss. It will drive you towards improvement for your one sake, and protecting yourself against people who stab you in the back.

Hugs. Hang in there.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Gaby

Yes, yes, yes, Gaby! My cheater got a dermabrasion and I had to get one too just to keep up. It was exhausting and unsettling being around him.

Laurie
Laurie
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

OMG… YES!! Mine got a Fitbit – well, WE got Fitbits for Christmas – that began the glorious competition… he went from full on alcoholism to full on won’t-eat-anything gotta walk 20,000 steps a day. He would ask me how many steps I had for the day, and he would spent the next day making sure he beat me… 10,000 was the goal – and he kept amping it up 15,000 – 20,000 – 25,000. I got so demotivated and fed up by this constant competition that I let dog eat my Fitbit chip. I later started a C25K program… I didn’t tell him until he caught me out one day – he literally laughed at me, then proceeded to ask me if he could join… I walked away pretending not to hear him… no fucking way asshole. No fucking way.

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
8 years ago

I haven’t experienced this directly, but people who communicate with each other on Facebook rather than privately, like they are putting on a show. I have one friend (I.e., acquaintance) who does this with every new guy. I nicknamed her the Lovebird. “I hope you are wonderful this morning. I luuuurve you!!” “I luuuurve you MORE!!!! Last night was amazing!!!!”. Just so creepy. I haven’t figured out if she is a narc, or a narc magnet.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Not Juliet

Oh god, this! Can’t handle people like that. At all.
You’re basically thinking “Put your garbage in PM or shut up”

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

It’s disgusting, isn’t it?

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Not Juliet

Yeah it is. I honestly don’t know why people air their dirty laundry everywhere like that. Its seriously stupid and makes you look like an idiot.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

As a first note, I never got why people pussyfoot around when labelling people as mentally ill, by saying “You can’t diagnose a person as mentally ill, you’re not in the psych profession!”
Call a spade a fuckin’ spade – if someone is clearly being a narc, they’re a narc. I would gather that life experience would be able to better diagnose mental illness for the most part, over some piece of paper that says someone is supposed to be good at something. Not to mention, the proportion of nutjobs who go into the psych profession just to understand how fucked up they are, and to self-diagnose. Or the people who have zero life skills seeing what these whackjobs are all about.

But – onto the topic at hand. Hmmm, lets see…

Someone who uses the word “I” way too much in conversation (more that what people who are say, genuinely happy about an achievement they have made, or if another party is asking about an aspect of their life) and, when the conversation is about something else, they are always seeking ways to drag the conversation back onto themselves.

People who say “You’re a bitter person” when you raise a legitimate critique of something which isn’t fitting what the status quo is saying.

People who say “Its your opinion” and then proceed to lamblast their own (usually incorrect) opinion on something, when you successfully back them into a corner. Of course its my fucking opinion – that’s why I said it?

Someone who blasts tripe such as “I need to be happy at all costs” or prides themselves on being ‘cultured’ or ‘knowledgeable’ – when their knowledge is only about the latest celebrity gossip or reality TV nonsense. (Hallmark of respecting fake people – being fake yourself!)

Someone who prides themselves on always having ‘designer’ labels – and looks down on you if you don’t have them. (Fuck that, the most comfy pair of shoes I have ever owned cost me $20. And I’m still wearing them now, nearly 10 years later)

The narcissistic tripe which is ‘selfies’. ‘Nuff said. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that people who ‘friend’ a lot of people on social media, or who use social media as something more than keeping in touch with family and friends.

Wow, that’s quite a lot, and that’s not even scratching the surface.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

The narcissistic tripe which is ‘selfies’. ‘Nuff said

Oh YES, THIS ^^^^^

I personally hate taking selfies, but “Narck-y” LOVES himself so much he posts a new pic of himself just about ONCE A DAY!!! And God FORBID as his wife I would dare to “like” one of them, or comment on one— holy shit-balls!!! I was accused of “stalking ” him!!!

Funny thing is I finally blocked him the other day and he got so mad!!! “What are you trying to hide?!?!?”

“Hello, Kettle? This is Pot- you’re black!!!”

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Constant selfies pasted all over social media. Wifey number 3 posts pics from 8 or so years ago…all with her boobs mostly out.

I don’t have them blocked because I have finally reached meh and neither of them pester me. I do have to keep telling Facebook not to suggest them as friends…lol. That and somehow their posts to my niece’s page show up in my newsfeed are the only reasons I even see pics of them.

But yes, social media is a thing of wonder to a narcissist.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  FeralBlue

Yes, for weeks after dday, Facebook kept suggesting that I add OW as a friend, until I finally figured out how to stop that. But I did go to her page (only right after dday)—and it was FULL of selfies. As soon as I saw that, I know my intuition was on target, as far as OW goes. It wasn’t funny then, but it cracks me up now to think of all those selfies…

Gypsy57
Gypsy57
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

“The narcissistic tripe which is ‘selfies’”

Does taking polaroids of your man-junk and sending it over the internet or keeping them in your wallet count as a “selfie”?

Beth
Beth
8 years ago
Reply to  Gypsy57

Back in the 80’s would be…..

chumpinator
chumpinator
8 years ago
Reply to  Gypsy57

Maybe a junk-ie

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpinator

Lol!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I think I just blushed Gypsie after cracking up on your comment.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Also, Lania, I agree one does not need to be a clinical diagnostician to see narcissism for what it is. When we experience it, we know. I know others have mentioned but a good website is Narcissistic Abuse Recovery with one of the best explanations I have ever read about narcs entitled, “Narcissistic Supply.”

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
8 years ago

Also, the folks who never have any “candid” photos on Facebook. I have friends who do this. I have a high school friend who I haven’t seen a candid photo of her in years. She takes photos of various parts, like her eyes or mouth, or posts HS pics, or glamour shots, or just her head. I have never seen a full body, unedited photo of her yet. Really strange.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

Beware if you have been seeing them for less that 3 months, you are not officially a couple, technically they live at their mothers, but all of a sudden your home becomes a free storage unit for all shit including large musical items and rat eaten bits of furniture beyond restoration they have hoarded over the years that needed to be removed from their former marital home.
So now 6 months on and they still don’t live with you because that would be improper but they have pretty much invaded your life, home, friendships, they refer to you as family and educate you on how to parent your kids. They even triangulate them against you to get what they want. Forcing you to put your foot down on issues, which leaves you being viewed as the villain.

Oh I can play this game all night.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

#17 let X move in right away. Now she calls him “daddy”.

Regina
Regina
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Yeah Donna; mine wanted me to call him “Daddy” during reconciliation attempt, and he wanted to call me “Mama.” (His affair partner was Spanish.)
One of the creepiest things the Narcs do (or mine did) is it wasn’t bad enough how your faith, trust & heart were broken, but then they want you to “become” the things they liked/loved about the affair partner- because they now miss them and miss having both. I remember him saying he wished I would be more “natural.” (I wear make up and get dressed up every day for work) I make an effort & he wishes I wouldn’t? WTF??? There were other things too, but I guess I blocked them out. Did anyone else in CN who tried to reconcile have this experience?

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Regina

He started calling me bebe in a strange voice. His whore sounds like a gruffly old man.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Gross!

trying2fly
trying2fly
8 years ago

Since the above is mentioning online pictures….

The ones who has a million selfies of them at every angle possible. The ones who update their profile picture every day…that to me screams narc

My exnarc was his own biggest fan. Bleats about himself all the fucking time. How he’s the only one who can do his job well…I shudder to think a company of a few hundred thousands grinding to halt if his royal narcasshole took a sick day.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  trying2fly

My XH displayed the “this company couldn’t function without me” routine at the job he had at the time our marriage ended. It was a temp roll, low pay. But they saw his worth they were going to make him permanent, this was the excuse I was given for not looking for a permanent better paying job. 9 months after d’day he tells his brother he has been offered a promotion and church elders he was given gardening leave???? WTF????.
Reality was he got walked off the site for being a pompous dick. He threatened to sabotage the company when given two weeks notice and I have since learned that his behaviour was so bizarre following d’day his manager and coworkers thought that the kids and I were fictional.

In his affidavit to court recently he listed his employment while being married A-Q when his solicitor comment that he is currently working two jobs my solicitor responded “yes but there is no guarantee he will keep them “

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Yep, same here— over 25 different jobs in the 13 years we’ve been together…Imagine that no one ever really appreciated his genius mind or his “I can do that job better than the boss” attitude.

GetAClue
GetAClue
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I can relate to the job instability due to the ex being a pompous ass who think’s he’s better than everyone else at his job. He would complain about how stupid his so-workers were at his first job (where he had an affair). Then quit because he “just couldn’t take it anymore” without lining up another job after D-day, leaving me the sole supporter for a few months. He was then fired from his new job after a year because he was telling the higher-ups how to do their jobs. What really upset me about both incidents was he never considered how quitting his job or getting fired would affect me or my son. I left him after that.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  GetAClue

6 jobs in five years each with a progressive decrease in his rate of pay then leading up to d’day began boasting about how he was returning to study to become a teacher reducing his pay by half for a forecast 9 years. WTF?

And when I raised my concerns of bills, the always talked about but never eventuated renovations and basic ability to live, XH suggested I talk to someone as my negative views where clearly coming from a place of brokenness. No mentally healthy person would disregard his life long dreams like that.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

But Thankful, disregarding yours for years is okay.

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  trying2fly

The ones I’m thinking of change their profile picture continuously. Sometimes like hourly.

LeoLion
LeoLion
8 years ago

I wish mine Stbxh would have found more ways to save our marriage then ways to cheat on me or divorce me. That being said…here goes a few for the checklist.

He spent $1400 gambling right after I found out about his EA with his Ho-Worker. He needed a break and was depressed. These were given as reasons why right after Christmas that he needed to spend $1400 on gambling. Not to mention I was home with our 3 kids and broken hearted. Poor guy.

He insists that after I found about all his “bad” decisions such as a week later finding out that he also slept with my best friend that he was still a “good” person. Yep..he is amazing.

He just asked if I could pay half of the filing fee for our divorce. See while I have just moved out and have expenses up to to my eyeballs, he is also short on cash. Again…Poor guy.

After 17 years together, I don’t really have much to show for it except our 3 perfect kids. I now realize that I had come to accept and expect less then what I deserved. He never wanted to work our marriage or himself. That would be too hard.

The first night at my new apartment a few weeks ago, I willed tears to come. To be sad about leaving our home and our life. Nothing came. I felt relieved to be out of the jungle. When I cry now it is for the idea of how life could have been.
This new life scary but I would rather here then where I was 6 months ago!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  LeoLion

I threw away a coffee pot he bought me. WTF who wants a coffee maker? A 35 fucking dollar coffee pot. Asshole.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  LeoLion

LeoLion…..when I cry now or have such hatred coming out of my pores, it is finally crying for myself at the way I was treated by a complete entitled narcissist piece of shit (worth spelling out rather than putting ‘POS’) and the hate, for feeling I let that piece of shit get away with treating me like I was the piece of shit.
The hate is way more prevalent in me right now.
HURRY HURRY KARMA!!!!!!!! Seriously, HURRY!!!!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

Ihavehate

Their glory days are as limited as they are. Karma begins the day we have the strength to move on from abuse. There is no glory in life for the disrespectful, entitled, selfish, heartless, complaining, dishonest, character disordered. X has NO assets, never paid his own taxes, sucks in bed, and has nothing to offer someone in a relationship other than his inflated ego. That goes far in dive bars and with whores like #17.

On the flip side WE don’t have to wait for karma to hit them It will come as naturally for them as picking up a desperado in a dive bar who is willing to pick up the tab for pub fries and wings. X has been trying to replace #17 for a year now with no luck and multiple sightings with other women. Once the expiration date on the kibble and supply ends it happens.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna……you’re so right, when kibble supply ends…….on to the next! This is why he replaced me, I’m sure. Once I started noticing he was a liar and a louse he had to move on. My supply was barren!
He did have $ and wasn’t stingy about being generous but I truly believe it was because it was his way of keeping women. When I left, I returned every iota of everything he ever gave me in 10 years, from socks to a Lexus! I tried to make a statement to him to let him know that I wasn’t in it for the perks but it didn’t phase him. He put it all in storage.
Would I give it all back if I had to do it over again? You betcha! I can sleep at night and look in the mirror!

kaf
kaf
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

I’m keeping my gifts. I put up with mental abuse for years and I’ve earned all of them!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  IHaveHate

Ihavehate

X made money he never wanted to spend it. Hooray for giving the gifts back x was too busy spending his money on OW and hotels.

Gypsy57
Gypsy57
8 years ago
Reply to  LeoLion

“He insists that after I found about all his “bad” decisions such as a week later finding out that he also slept with my best friend that he was still a “good” person”

These people believe that as long as they haven’t murdered anyone or robbed a bank that they are “good” people.! *face/palm*

chumpinator
chumpinator
8 years ago
Reply to  Gypsy57

They would blame the victim for making them angry and tell them that they deserved it. And blame the bank for hoarding too much cash.

Free
Free
8 years ago

My XH was an unusual narcissist – he love bombed everyone, not just me, extraordinary thoughtful gifts for everyone – if you commented that it appeared all too much there was then criticism for not allowing him to express one of his ‘love languages’. However, he was simply trying to buy everyone.

Flattering everyone in person and slamming them behind their backs. He felt he knew better than everyone, an incredibly superior attitude.

His needs and wants come first always. He goes to court to fight for the kids 50-50 and now that he has won he wants me to take care of them when he can’t, which is all the time. He wants me to buy all their school uniforms and sports kit and take care of their basic needs i.e he still wants me to do all the ‘mommy jobs’ while he still gets them for only fun! He only wanted to be able to say he has them half time, he didn’t actually want them half time and all the work that comes with it.

He has bought a house 3x the size of mine and filled it with games (ping pong, fooseball, multiple computers private tennis courts, lake) for the boys.

His behaviour is so transparent but he can’t seem to stop. He has got to be seen as the big man with lots of money.

At the same time, he puts on a pity me face, his life is so tough.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Mine also love bombed me publicly. Would rave about me to people, and made my mug shot (a bad one at that) his profile picture. It used to confuse me, but now I can see that he was just trying to impress other people with what a great husband he was… loving, doting.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  ItsAJourney

Yes, I got this as well. Ex would say such nice things about me on Facebook or in public, but never when we were alone. It was all an act to make himself seem like a great guy and devoted husband.

Buddy
Buddy
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

I got this too. Wife would never instigate any physical affection, leaving me in a near-postal state, but the second friends were over, she’d lean against me on the couch and put a hand on my thigh, as though that is how we lived and cuddled. Completely bizarre when I think about it now.

Never once in the last 8 years did she ever put her hand on my thigh when we were alone. But she does it EVERY TIME we have company.

My therapist found this very strange as well.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Show is important to narcs. It’s part of the mindfuck which causes confusion, which triggers hopium. My checklist is similar: overly generous for show, affectionate in public for show, must have highest quality athletic clothing, must be self-employed because too special to work for anyone else, liar liar pants on fire, Dr. Jekyl/Mr. Hyde, substance abusing, stuck in adolescence, lazy, hedonist-must do extreme risky athletics, appears sensitive and understanding in front of others for show but is not in private, verbally abusive, emotionally withdrawn, selfish, master manipulator, twists/turns/blames so one ends up blaming self (that’s probably one of the worst ones), appearances huge priority (look I am mowing the lawn this one time-but left all other house maintenance projects to me), must be fun friend with kids and not discipline, look me straight in the eye and lie “are you seeing someone?” he: “No.”

See, all we need to do is experience narcissism to know that the diagnosis fits. No expertise needed.

How sad I gave 24 years to a black hole; it never worked and I can’t imagine it working with AP (who was also married, who he now lives with).

Hope49
Hope49
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

Wow ChumpB…you so nailed it! Perhaps we are or were married to the same guy ?

Looking back I have been so covertly been chumped that it rendered me STUCK for YEARS in hopium. I made the STUPID decision to try and reconcile after filing for divorce almost 4 fucking years ago. Over the years when we were there in front of his family he always spends LOTS of money on me and the kids and he is so charming. He is SUCH a great guy, right? Well, his family has no idea how much money he owes to my family but now he thinks he is safe because his inheritance is ‘separate’ property. Like a Super Chump I gave him one last chance that he would come back to me, commit to the marriage and finish raising our 16 year-old daughter together. He left me and our teenagers in 2011 supposedly to ‘manage’ his mother’s care (she was in a group home). Now that his mother passed in January he is still there winding up her estate. So…what did he just do? The sale on his mother’s house will close in 17 days. I was looking forward to his transfering his job back to Washington. When I queried him about coming back he announced that he is NOT moving back from California to Washington. Oh yes, he will be getting a nice BIG inheritance and conveniently filed for bankruptcy a couple of years ago to discharge his considerable 1/2 of the community debt owing to my late father and mother who suffers from dementia and now lives in a group home.

Oh yes, here are a few more mean ass details… He conveniently announced that he was not moving back to Washington just 2 days before I was to join him with my daughter and 19 year-old son who is on leave from the Marine Corps. We were to meet him in California for the annual Southern California vacation and celebrate the 4th of July before my son deploys. I was SO looking forward to seeing my son!

I told my kids, sorry I am NOT going to California this year because I am DONE! My kids were upset with me for not going and I was so longing to see my son but it’s time to pull the plug on this narc. I have been married to this man for 24 years and have been with him for 31 years. FUCK me, huh? Well the one thing I know being a lawyer that he doesn’t understand is that the Court will require him to disclose both his community AND separate property for the judge to make an equitable division of the assets. I can’t wait to see his face when the realizes this during the discovery process. Smile… Beep! Beep! Karma bus is coming asshole!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Hope49

Best to you Hope49. I get it, I really do. Hopium, can’t wrap brain around the evil, and yes, 24 years on my end as well!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpB

ChumpB, You have the best gift of all: Freedom. Grab something off Utube to celebrate.

fishfast41
fishfast41
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

OMG,my wife too! She only displays physical affection when others can see. When we are home together,she pays more attention to FarmVille than to me.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Buddy

Oh wow I had never realized this. It was the same with my ex. He would never show affection while we were alone. But when we were with family or friends, he always groped at some point, which made me uncomfortable. I had the feeling it was reassurance: he did not like to be around people, he grabbed me like a lifebuoy. Just my intepretation, could be wrong.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Free

Just say, “Thats not good for me” with no explanation. Repeat that every time. It’s all about power and control. If he stops picking them up document this and bring him back to court.

violet
violet
8 years ago
Reply to  Free

Ah yes, the pity me narcissist. No matter what, no one has it as bad. These types just suck the air out of the room…

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

Always late!!! Yep because they think that nothing starts till they get there?
I would often comment to XH “the world doesn’t revolve around you!!!!!!!”

They don’t make decisions on big issues they leave that to you. When it then falls apart they blame you for it not working out. But reality is with these types is you go into a scenario thinking you are both on the same page. They agree, they encourage, they add to ideas but when it comes time for them to follow through they are busy(stop nagging) they will (WILL) get round to it at some point. It wasn’t their first choice let them look into it a bit further. So while they spend the next 6 months recovering ground only to represent the exact same thing back to you as their own idea. While you feel the frustration rise and rise. Because he hasn’t actually achieved anything but time wastage and you find you are just back where you started. All while he questions what is wrong?????

unencumbered
unencumbered
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I can so relate to this. It took me a long time to figure out what I was dealing with as my X is a very passive aggressive narc. He acted nice on the surface, never raised his voice, but then punished me by not doing the things he says he would do, or by refusing to do things that he knew would make me happy or doing the opposite of what I asked. For example,

– Always late. One time, he left me in the car for over 30 minutes (said it would be 5 min. max) so he could run into his office to get something. This was before cells phones. There was no way for me to reach him. It was February, dark, freezing cold and I was 8 months pregnant. His time was way more important than mine. Or anyone else’s. He was late to just about everything, except sporting events. Those were important to him.

– Always had an excuse for not wanting to have sex. I would joke with him (but cry inside) that the sun and the moon and the stars would all have to align for him to be in the mood. Then he would finally have sex just to get me off his back. I am healthy, in shape, gave birth to 3 children and wear the same size I did when we got married so I could never figure out why I was the only woman in the world whose husband didn’t want to have sex. I truly believe he did the bare minimum to keep me from leaving him. There was no effort, no emotional connection, no attempt to have a shared pleasurable experience. After reading about narcs, I think I had a cerebral narc…Sex was beneath him, only commmon folks follow those nasty urges.

– Refusing to try any new foods. He was an extremely picky eater. I love(d) to cook and love to try new foods. I believe this was a control thing with him – no one was going to tell him what to eat. If he threw up popcorn when he was 8, he was never going to try popcorn again. And he would make sure everyone in the room knew how awful it smelled and how terrible it was for him to be in a room where people were enjoying popcorn with a movie. The nerve! We could never share appetizers, unless you count bread or chips and salsa as an appetiser. He didn’t like anything else. I tried to get him to try guacamole for 17 years. He flat out refused to even take one bite. The kids now tell me he loves guacamole and has 4 different kinds in his fridge. Apparently he was willing to try it for his new soutmate but not for me.

– Saying he would take care of a project and then never doing it. There are so many examples of this – here is just one: When we moved into our house in 2001, we agreed that he would be in charge of getting a new sound system for the house so we could listen to music throughout the house. He never got it done in the 14 years we lived in that house…I never nagged him. I wanted to see if he would get it done. He finally did…when we separated due to his affair. Once he moved out, he gave me a Sonos system for Christmas the first year we were separated. Apparently, he thought if he finally got me the sound system he promised to take care of 14 years earlier, I would surely look past his public, humiliating (for him) affair and let him move back in and continue with this passionate soulmate on the side. That didn’t work out so well for him. I am now enjoying my sound system without him.

– He would buy excessive amounts of presents for Christmas and then completely ignore my birthday. I asked him repeatedly to not give me so much for Christmas (it was embarrassing to get so many gifts and I wanted Christmas to be for the kids, not me). If he wanted to shower me with gifts, which I was always grateful for, I told him I would prefer to have them on my birthday or Mother’s Day. Can’t remember how many years I asked him for this. I made it so easy – he didn’t have to guess at what I wanted. He never listened. He was going to do it the way he wanted to do it, regardless of my wishes.

– I would ask him if he wanted to do X in 2 weeks with Y group of people (dinner, concert, BBQ, whatever). He would always say ‘yes or sure’. Then the day would come and he would grumble about it. I would remind him that he said he wanted to go so I RSVP’ed yes so now we needed to go. I think I got punished a lot for these types of things by the sex refusal technique after what I thought was a fun night out, or by some other subtle unrelated snub. It made it hard for me to know, because it was always indirect, but I think I was getting punished for not reading his mind and somehow not knowing that his ‘yes or sure’ was actually a no.

S
S
8 years ago
Reply to  unencumbered

omg… this is my ex to a T!

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
8 years ago
Reply to  unencumbered

Wow unemcumbered, I dealt with the food issues too. My ex was the same way, right down to criticizing the smell of other people’s food. He was like a toddler. The further I get away from it the crazier it seems.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

My ex was a vegetarian. I was not. I was not allowed to keep meat products in the house. He would come home from a business trip and dig through the trash bin to see if there was anything meat related in there. Or maybe a stray cigarette butt. I’m not kidding. At the end, I didn’t care. I roasted a turkey in my own oven, and the cats and I ate like royalty for a week. When he found the turkey carcass in the trash, all hell broke loose. Like eating turkey was worse than him fucking my best friend from college for the past week.

I have a theory. Those narcs will holler to the heavens about a spot on the floor so you won’t see the stain on them.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

Not everyone with food issues is a narc though. I myself have food issues similar to what unencumbered said – but the food I dislike (and theres a fair amount of things on that list) literally makes my stomach heave or makes me nauseated. Yay for getting severe food poisoning at age 5 and it killing my food palate?

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Lania and WhichWay, I agree with you: food issues do not equal narc. It wasn’t that my ex only ate a few foods, it was the way he dealt with that issue. If dinner was something he didn’t like, he acted like a victim, moped, and complained loudly for the rest of the night about being hungry because dinner was bad. Other times, he would look at my plate of food, as I was eating, and tell me with crude descriptors about how disgusting it looked and smelled. He *always* found fault at restaurants, usually eating half his plate before pushing it away and saying it was gross, then waiting impatiently while I finished. Meanwhile, the waitstaff would come over to inquire and ask what was wrong, how it could be fixed, etc. These are the toddler-like behaviors I was referring to: everything was about him, his needs, his opinion,his victim-hood.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

StrongerEveryday–your post just triggered a memory of X berating me for breaking spaghetti into thirds to put in the pan; he preferred to only have them broken into two. WTF? I did what I wanted, but seriously??!! It’s all about the control and ensuing criticism.

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh geez, Tempest. I broke up my spaghetti in two, and ex hated that. He wanted it unbroken. Neither of these dudes would have noticed had they not seen us cooking it! Now I’m thinking of a lot of other…uhhhh…idiosyncrasies I had to endure regarding food. I understand we all have our preferences in terms of food and how it’s prepared, but these types of things with these types of people are indeed about control.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Thanks for saying something. I have the the palate of a five-year old. It has nothing to do with not wanting to be bossed around. I just like what I like. Most people would describe my tastes as bland; if something is too flavorful it kinda grosses me out. I don’t care what other people eat, have a field day.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

I’d say my food palate was ‘plain’ – the meat and potatoes kind of plain, haha!

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  unencumbered

Good for you for enjoying your nice sound system!

And your comment — “…but then punished me by not doing the things he says he would do, or by refusing to do things that he knew would make me happy” — made me realize that I guess my ex was probably somewhat passive aggressive too. I always figured he was lazy and didn’t want to do unfun things. But I guess it was also the “you’re not the boss of me” thing too and so he refused to do certain things. And he would also agree to do something then grumble when it was time to actually do it.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

I didn’t realize any of this early on in our relationship but it sure came to light later.

1. constant negativity or criticism of others, regardless of whether they know the person.
2. seems to want to do something (like a house project) but once you’ve invested money and time, they bitch at you about actually doing the work but brag to others about it.
3. they don’t take responsibility for their personal choices and decisions.
4. they make sure relatives and friends know how important they are where they work.
5. they don’t ask you about you and really seem interested with you being the topic of conversation OR they ask you about you but then turn the conversation to them.
6. they partially hear everything you say.

I want to elaborate on each of these items with examples but this post would be super long!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Great list, ByeByeCheater. Saves me making one, though I’ll add a few items. I’d add the problem with lateness–already mentioned quite a bit by others, and a problem with finances (asset accumulation varies a lot depending on each person’s life, but if you are over 25 and aren’t working and living within your means, there is a problem)!

Finally, I’d look at friends,primarily the absence of any. My narcissist nabbed me by being new to the community, so his lack of local friends was no surprise. I think I should have been suspicious when he had so few people from earlier in his life to invite to our wedding (i.e. he had one guest who wasn’t a relative or in the wedding party). But at that point I still accepted his explanations about why all his many, many friends from his many jobs and experiences in different parts of the county couldn’t come as truthful.

In regard to friends, one of his bigger tantrums revolved around my failure to throw a fantastic birthday party when he reached a significant numeral. I had really struggled with how to celebrate, because I knew he wanted 76 trombones and a rocket launch, but I couldn’t fill a table for 8 at a restaurant with people who would want to celebrate him. Every single person there would have been my friend coming to help me feel better about my lout of a husband. So, I hosted an expensive dinner with a few gracious family members. He hated it, and complained bitterly (while comparing it to the wonderful parties he had thrown for me–which was amazing as he’d NEVER thrown so much as a handful of confetti for me–which hadn’t upset me as I’m a bit of a wallflower, but the absolute falsehood of his complaint did make me nuts). The ability of a narc to believe his/her own publicity is astounding. So, now I know–if the guy or gal doesn’t have any friends, then steer clear.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Not 100% true. Sometimes people have friends who live far away and can’t be friends with the person in real life.
Kinda know this from experience in a way – I can’t stand most of the women around my age who talk about vapid celebrity gossip and nothing except that crap – so a lot of my friends are people I’ve originally known from online who aren’t brainless bimbos.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, mine didn’t have an issue with arriving somewhere on time but I did fail to mention the friend issue. Like yours, mine was not from the area so the initial lack of friends didn’t surprise me. I didn’t realized as the years went on that he never brought any friends into our circle. But when I kicked him out, one of the many things he blamed me for was that if we had spent more time with friends, it would have helped our relationship. Being the chump I was, I searched myself to see where I had let this piece fall through the cracks. That’s when I realized that he didn’t have any friends. None, zero, ziltch. Every friend ‘we’ had, I brought to our relationship. And guess what? They’re loyal to me – all be one set who want to be Switzerland so I’m already phasing them out of my life.

I also need to add the no pets to my list since I’ve seen it on so many posts. I’ve always had a cat in my life – he tolerated it but that was about it.

Jeep
Jeep
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

ByeByeCheater, TRULY we were married to the same asshole…

…I’m 5 months out of divorce and 2 months in my new home 45 minutes from my ‘marital’ home of 30 years and walked out to leave for an appointment last Monday morning to discover xmr disordered asshole parked across the end of my driveway…the emotional toll on me was huge…but I rallied quickly and ignored it…he eventually drove away…

They think they are so wonderful that it doesn’t matter what they did to you…you simply can’t live without them.

Disordered assholes!

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

ByeBye

#3 and #6 especially fit the X. Every personal choice or financial decision he made independently with no regard to my disapproval had a negative impact on my life.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna,

“Every personal choice or financial decision he made independently with no regard to my disapproval had a negative impact on my life.”

This is the story of my marriage writ large. Not only did it have a negative impact on my life (and my children’s lives) but I would be blamed for “not stopping him” even though I would repeatedly try. If he needed my cooperation in order to implement one of his ideas and I refused because I could anticipate a probable negative outcome, he would pout, give me the silent treatment and find a covert way to punish me.

If you need a medical degree or PhD to diagnose a personality disorder, you don’t need either to diagnose fucking asshole.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

ByeBye,

Your list is my list…1, 4, and 5 could not be a better description of the x!!!

Kiwi Anne
Kiwi Anne
8 years ago

Spot on. I didn’t see it during our 19 years together and only put the puzzle together when my reading finally led me to books on narcissism. Very similar list with an underlying grain of negativity and put down colouring everything.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Kiwi Anne

I keep remembering more: Bye Bye Cheater I must ditto the constant negative criticism and slander of EVERY. SINGLE. PERSON. HE. EVER. KNEW. Even our children. I was always blown away by that. Also, add to my list inability to take responsibility, lack of hope (swore there was no way Obama would win-me vehemently disagreeing).

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
8 years ago

Always doing what the narc wants to do “it will be fun!” and never what you want to do “that would be a waste of time.”

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Not so sure this is a narc thing…my ex would complain about money being tight yet insist on taking trips to NYC that cost considerable $. Guess money was only a problem if SHE wasn’t spending it.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago

Not sure it’s narc, it’s a flag for me, a tough one to notice. One of the more subtle signs is that the person appears to like everything you do. They share your values in every way, whether political, theological or cultural. They are able to mirror all of that because in the beginning they draw you out on every topic, and your past, without revealing much about their own values and past first. And, if you pay attention you’ll find they share very little about their own past. When they do tell you some life experience of theirs; they are always the hero in some way, or the victim, depending upon why they shared the story with you.

GetAClue
GetAClue
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I’ve been with two mimics now, my ex-husband being one of them. I can recognize the behaviour now at least. But I thought it was great that my new partners were so open and into the activities I liked at first. Later on I realized that its a narcissist’s way of connecting to people. They don’t have genuine empathy, so the best they can do is copy you to make you think that they like you.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

That’s a good one Dat. My stbxh was a master at this. I’m sure he will do this with his next “victim” too.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Sweet Jesus, I was just explaining this dynamic this weekend! STBX and I used to play the game ‘Catchphrase” with his family and couples were often I the same team. I swear that no sooner would I look at my word, open my mouth and he would know exactly what it was, sometimes without so much as a clue. I thought we were deeply connected but it was actually because he had been studying me and mirroring me for so many years that he knew what I was thinking, how I would describe something, what my body language was saying before even I would.

Twilight zone music…….

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Whoa. Are you sure he wasn’t just cheating with a hidden mirror or something. They are really good at cheating. 😉

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S

I’d put nothing past him, Nicole. It truly was a strange phenomenon, though. His siblings would get so angry because there was no winning against us…he knew me THAT well. Yikes…

Doop
Doop
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

What an interesting explanation! I had that too. My sister said we “shared a twin language.”

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Oh , the mimic!
They suck you in, how is it possible that two people can be so in sync?????

This is why when things start to unravel with these wingnuts they can’t handle our responses, we get angry, upset, frustrated. We have normal responses to their cheating, but for them to mimic these responses they need to present themselves as the victim. Poor them.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I wonder if the guy I posted about below also did this. He seemed to volunteer a lot about himself, but maybe he was also mirroring my likes and interests? *Shudder.* The more I think about this, the more I’m grateful that I didn’t start dating him. Too many red flags.

JBaby
JBaby
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Watch the youtube video for “Liar” by Rollins band. It may feel familiar to you.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago
Reply to  JBaby

I LOVE that video and song. It is spot-on for how these horrible people think and manipulate. Powerful.

MovingOn
MovingOn
8 years ago

I think it’s really helpful to “review” these qualities for the future. I just recently thought that I was getting to know a great guy (just friends with possible potential for the future), but he suddenly disappeared and stopped contacting me for no reason whatsoever. However, after reading what people posted above and after reflecting upon some of his behavior, I have to wonder if he’s a narc:

–sending me many selfies (none indecent, thankfully)
–possibly a “woe is me” type of person… did tell me that he was diagnosed with depression but was on meds and seeing a therapist, but not sure if he was just being honest or setting me up for “woe is me”
–when I got the vibe that there might be something off, he blew me off and said “relax”
–possible lovebombing: a couple of gifts, a lot of correspondence that told me how “beautiful” I was
–everyone thinks he’s a “nice guy” (I’ve seen enough fake nice guys on here to know what a facade that can be.)

I don’t know about other qualities (grooming, saying “I” a great deal… we didn’t get to know each other long enough for me to see if he also did those things), but I’m thinking that I dodged a bullet. Someone told me that he probably couldn’t keep up his wonderful facade long enough, and that’s why he totally vanished. All I know is that if I care about someone, I don’t just disappear out of that person’s life. I think that’s pretty selfish and disrespectful.

CL, maybe A Chump’s Guide to Dating should be in the works at some point? I clearly could use it!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

If he’s disappeared, that’s all you need to know. He hasn’t even got enough self respect to give you a decent response as to why he’s bailed.
Take this from someone who dealt with yoyo shit for roughly 10 months, some time ago. Its not fucking worth it.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

MovingOn, Guys like that are dicks and just want sex, it is their only priority; they are trolls. Their idea of a relationship is working hard at it for a month, professing interest in anything you may like, and then hoping you’ll jump into the sack. You expect a human and they bounce! Beginning, middle, and end.

Wow33
Wow33
8 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

If you met my EX, he would seem nice to you, friendly, outgoing, but nice I am finding out has nothing to do with character, integrity,loyalty…
I don’t trust nice anymore:(

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Wow33

Same, so nice on the outside, seemingly intelligent, but a raging meanie when no one was looking.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Sounds like it would be a great one!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Here’s my personal list:

-not having anything positive to say about any previous person they dated or had a relationship with

-non interest in animals, do you have a soul?

-a person who doesn’t have any friends to speak of or has only friends that are no more

-lack of own personal interests, like they’re waiting to morph into what you like the moment you meet them

-inability to make plans and keep them

-chaotic lifestyle

-awkwardness around their family in the early stages, like there’s family issues that everyone is trying to hide….it’s kinda tough to explain but I had this with STBX for the first year

-makes fun of or criticizes others, particularly strangers, like making fun of their weight or appearance

-subtle discomforts in energy when around them, like a covert would have. For instance: you’re on a date, having s good time then all of a sudden they go cold and get distant and offer no explanation.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I’ve got more. Lol.

-they rarely share info about their past unless it’s to make themselves a victim, make them seem triumphant

-they give very stern examples of personality traits that they hate but give no real life stories to back them up, such as: I absolutely hate people who lie. It pisses me off and I won’t put up with that bullshit.”
What I’ve gathered is that it’s human nature to find our own flaws in others but narcs take it to a whole other level, particularly covert narcs. They hate themselves and if they see their flaws in another person it enrages them.

-shallow affect. Such as talking about a sad personal story but having zero emotions or facial expressions that parallel the topic.

-too much too soon in the instance of obviously controversial stuff. I was dating a guy for a month and one day he criticized how much television my child watched and then how I gave in to her not wanting to eat he cereal and offered her an alternative. This dude isn’t a parent and it’s WAY too soon and WAY over the line to try to step in on my parenting.

-obsessive social media posting about themselves or to draw attention to themselves. Listen, sharing an uplifting quote every day is normal but obsessive selfies, daily epic rants, always sounding like a victim in your posts is red flag material

-a person being “short” of money very early on and testing the waters to see how much you’ll cover and how much money you have and if you’re willing to share it

-a person claiming that their life isn’t typically “this ___ (insert negative descriptive word here: chaotic, drama filled, crazy). And to go along with this is the promise of a better future. They claim things will all be better once some certain thing happens: “my life won’t be so chaotic and I’ll have much more money to put towards us once this divorce is settled.”
I know it seems like a legit excuse but it’s not, my ex was forever living in the future; once we get married, once we buy our own house, once we have a child, once he’s through school…and the promise of the good life never arrives. Thy just keep moving the goal posts to buy time.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

EVERYTHING you’ve said, YES!!!!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

THIS,THIS,THIS!!! Promises that never ever materialize! The “old” just wait and it will happen once I get done with whatever they want! Then they bail!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Most couples share information about their first sexual experiences with their partner, e.g., how old you were, with whom? pretty typical but ex absolutely refused to share who or when. Made me wonder.

Also, Xnarc was abstract and melodramatic, very “poor me,” my mommy didn’t love me, which I at first had empathy for but after 24 years of complaints about how cold she was how distant, how his emotional needs were unmet, how it adversely affected his whole life, it just got a little old. Old because he would rather sit in the pain of it then figure out a way to move through his pain. I believe he was addicted to his pain, it made him feel special, unable to achieve his goals, always an excuse.

Victimy and dramatic: add that to my list. Thanks for listening everyone.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Yes, Roberta. I was guilted by my ex’s family into fully supporting my ex when he decided to begin college at 28 when I was pregnant with our child. Everything, all logic pointed towards this being a bad idea and bad timing. But the pressure and the spotlight was on me; “put yourself on the back burner (already there), do whatever you have to to support him (like make excuses for him meeting a college student and cheating on me?), he’s doing this for his family and it’ll all benefit you in the end so long as you support him now.”
Well I knew we wouldn’t make it that long, he had already begun the devalue phase. Still I supported him and guess what; he squandered his time with our newborn “studying” for hours upon hours a day for freshman level classes, all that “studying” was in vain because he failed out and he was having an affair.

You’re correct, those promises never materialized. We never got to that awesome place he kept promising me we would reach.

Nope, I’ve reached that place on my own, the key was getting rid of him. 🙂

Digbert
Digbert
8 years ago

1) Subtly posing for your driving licence photo and gloating when it is accepted – screw you all !!!
2) being late – just cause you can – particularly at important events like weddings/birthdays/airport departures
3) collecting / reading the autobiographies of fellow high profile Narcs
4) boasting about how kind and considerate you are …..and working hard to maintain that good guy/ gal image – ways wary of anyone so perfect!
5) taking longer than you to get ready to go out ……….. and deliberating for ages to chose an outfit to wear …….
6) shelf stacking and cutlery allignment fixations
7) criticism of everyone and everything else
8) Mommy/Daddy issues
9) Too happy/comfortable for you to pay for things
10) Must always have certain designer brands and a big f@ck me TV

I could go on indefinitely…………..

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

I was thinking Mommy/Daddy issues too. I swear my stbxh cannot think for himself at all. He just let’s his mom think for him and he does everything she says. It’s bizarre.

Digbert
Digbert
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

He learnt that skill from mommy dearest ….

Marci
Marci
8 years ago
Reply to  Digbert

I had a narc boyfriend who was OCD about neatness and alignment. He had been in the navy, so some tidy habits might be expected…however, I would see him open a cupboard where I’d have just stowed something, and he’d frown and start repositioning dishes, refolding clothes, and yes, aligning cutlery. He also had little containers in the kitchen cupboards where things like porridge had to be pre-measured in 2oz servings before food could be prepared…god help me if I just poured some into the pan straight out of the bag!

He would then generalize how “undisciplined” I was because I didn’t have OCD-organized cupboards. I finally told him to stuff his anal-retentiveness where it belonged.

Turned out he was also prone to posting shirtless profile photos of himself on dating sites (after our breakup). I amused myself by establishing a fake profile, messaging him as if I were an adoring bimbo, then making fun of his knarly old body. He got mad as hops but never caught on it was me. Mwaahaahaa.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Marci

Yes, mine screwed a graduate student because I had the cupboards were too full and I wasn’t fastidious enough for his tastes (even though the downstairs always looked like a model home).

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I had MADE the cupboards too full

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I made the house too nice for him not to offer it to someone else.

Laura
Laura
8 years ago

My narc cheater never said I’m sorry for anything. Ever! One morning — after a night of acting particularly douchey — he came over to my side of the bed with coffe — stood there, looked down at me and said remember “Jesus calls us to forgive.” He was kinda joking. Kinda not.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago

Perhaps more a red flag of a sociopath than a narcissist, but based on my marriage to a serial cheating ex-wife I would certainly avoid anyone who is conspicuously unsentimental. My ex never teared up at any movie, book, song, story, relationship or family milestone–nothing. In 22 years. And often expressed disdain at people who did, how their show of emotion is embarrassing and juvenile. Ugh.

Admittedly I lean toward the schmaltzy (a sucker for James Taylor songs, Prairie Home Companion monologues, and youtube cute dog videos), but anyone who can watch, say, “The Fault In Our Stars” and leave the theater with dry eyes is one best avoided in my book.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

This is a good point, nomar. I hadn’t thought about whether my EX was sentimental. But you are right, I don’t ever remember him being “touched” by anything in fifteen years. I mistook some of his early hoarding behaviors for sentimentality (mugs from all sorts of places, etc.) and the fact that he had some keepsakes from earlier girl friends as sentiment, but those were trophies. His primary emotion was anger, and all of his shows of affection were public displays meant to make him look generous or romantic.

Even now, he hugs his kids for long, long stretches (as if they were being shuffled off to a concentration camp) whenever there is someone watching me pick them up. But nothing more than a “good bye,” if there isn’t an audience.

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Trophy hoarding. I forgot that one too.

I threw all of that shit out, including his $100Vegas chips from his annual meet up fuck fest with the MOW. What really crossed the line was the proud display of the MOW’s gifts to him. In my house. He loved it when the kids would pick those object up.

The latest trophy was a necklace I bought on our last vacation together before DDay. I found it displayed on a shelf near his desk. Hell.the.fuck.NO! I took that back with the rest of me.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, my ex wasn’t sentimental at all, except for this weird Christmas ornament that he got from a “grad student.” Every year he’d look until he found that ornament and put it on our mantel. Later I found out OW had made it.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes, displaying a memento from the affair partner in the family home. There’s a thing cheating narcs do. I kind of trophy, I suppose. A way to simultaneously enjoy kibbles from the spouse and the AP at the same time. I can’t begin to imagine the lack of conscience that allows someone to enjoy such a hugely conflicted situation.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

My X showed no emotion outside of disdain upon finding out a relative had been murdered; X didn’t like the person, so I guess they deserved a brutal death. Why I stayed after seeing that, I’ll never know. It was clearly the beginning of the end.

nomar
nomar
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wow. Disdain in response to the murder of a family member? That’s Severus Snape material.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  nomar

No hating on Snapey!

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago