The Power of Ridicule
Yesterday’s post we discussed the “I Fail to Understand Your Hostility” mindfuck. I suggested that when faced with gaslighting the best thing to do is disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you. Take it like a nice agreeable little chump, won’t you?
I left off another powerful tool when faced with IFTUYH — ridicule.
Frankly, of all the arrows in your quiver against mindfuckery, laughter is the most powerful.
When you’re heartbroken, it hardly feels like a chuckle fest, I get it. But the sooner you can tap into the utter absurdity of the situation, the faster you will heal.
And that begins with seeing fuckwits as the pathetic, ridiculous creatures that they are. Please divest them of their power — LAUGH at this shit.
Laugh at them. To their face.
Narcissists HATE this. I think they hate it even more than no contact. With no contact, they can imagine you still care, that you’re just too torn up right now to speak with them, you were going to take the bait, but you fell into a canyon and were unable to answer the phone…. They can continually delude themselves that you’re still kibbles.
But when you ridicule a narcissist? They can’t pretend. You’re no longer kibbles, you’re kryptonite.
And come on, cheaters give you such a rich vein of humor! The Stupid Shit they say, their utter predictability, their pomposity… You will NEVER run out of material. NEVER!
Cheater: I didn’t answer my cell phone because I was sleeping in my car. Yes! In January. In Vermont. I don’t like your insinuations!
Chump: HahahahaahhaahHAHAHAHA! OMG you must really think I’m stupid. I hope your nuts froze off. Poor Schmoopie probably had to shave your back hair off so you could fit into your snowsuit, you poor benighted sod.
Now, admittedly, this is engagement — and after you land a few zingers, do go straight on to no contact. But what ridicule communicates to the cheater is — your mindfuckery will not work here. Move on. Also laughter shifts the power balance from the cheater (who thinks his lies are convincing, and doesn’t really care if they’re not because you’re beneath him) to the chump (who refuses to bow down and accept this shit). Narcissists are incredibly thin-skinned, so to point out some mortal flaw — like a tufty back that must be frequently mowed — is wounding.
Duck, because narcissist rage comes next. MY BACK IS AS SMOOTH AS A BABY’S BOTTOM! HOW DARE YOU!
Oh you dare, all right.
I would just add, about CL and CN, that the special sauce here is ridicule. When I was pitching my book, I pointed out that most self-help is dry and earnest. Infidelity, frankly, is absurd on so many levels. Yes, it’s abusive too — but isn’t every tinpot dictator a joke? Nothing helps you take back your power like snark.
So the next time someone tries to mindfuck you? Laugh. Laugh hard.
Hmm please be careful with this one! In my experience narcissists react extremely badly to any form of criticism, let alone humiliation through being mocked through laughter. As Chump Lady says, narcissistic rage is bound to follow.
I’m afraid I agree. My niece left her abusive and cheating husband in November. On Christmas day, her husband came to her door and asked for a reconciliation. She laughed at him and said it never going to happen. He became enraged and beat the living crap out of her, putting her in the hospital. I understand the need to laugh but some people are not normal.
Welcome to Chump Lady dot com, Ex UK Chump. Stick around and laugh!
Yes, I naturally turn to ridicule as a defense mechanism but it always triggered rage and it has been used against me. He is the poor victim of my disrespect. He whinged in MC that I sniggered at him. I corrected him and said no, I don’t snigger, I sneer at this ridiculous crap. That got the MC against me as well. A no win situation for me. Away from him, with friends, or here on CN, it helps so much to laugh at the horrific shit they do and say. We all understand each other. With the cheaters, it’s like trying humour on a charging bear.
Kiwi? I have thought a lot about marriage counseling and how it was such a disaster for me. And I’m not exaggerating here. I get it about the counselor turning against you! Just when we need their help the most!!! So terrible.
I read that when this marriage problem shows up, the first thing the MC should do is call for sex-addiction testing. I would add that the best thing for the chump is abuse therapy. That’s what I went for, and it made all the difference.
QueenMother, we are long past that, MC ended over a year ago and he is gone. I am glad you found a counsellor you are happy with. After my experience I would say don’t do MC with a cheater, end of story. A few of my friends have had the same experience with MC following cheating. Waste of time. But if you do go down that road, make sure the MC is not a cheater supporter and that first and foremost the issue of your hurt and the disrespect inflicted by the cheater will be dealt with. Cheater has to repent and make amends. It is up to them to fix the damage they have done.
I agree – if you are co-parenting with one of these creeps, NO contact and laughing to yourself is much better than every laughing to their face. The best option is to live as good of a life as you can for yourself and your kids and enjoy parenting the kids. Please don’t engage with someone who can abuse your kids. They WILL ABSOLUTELY WILL take out any ego injury onto the kids.
You are typically right on chumplady, but I respectfully disagree with this advice. No contact and MEH
Yep, I wouldn’t ridicule to his face, I’ve got a good 14 years before my kids are officially adults. Until then, giving him the false impression that he has something over us gives me more freedom. I ignore, NC, and laugh to myself, but also feel sad for the kids that I chose this idiot to procreate with. Live and learn.
Yep. Ditto. Gotta be cautious with whack jobs.
“Men are afraid women will laugh at them. Women are afraid men will kill them.” -Margaret Atwood
The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is AFTER you leave. Better to go ‘Grey Rock’ and be pleasant and civil if you have any concerns about your safety.
Ridicule is powerful. But safety is paramount. I felt weak and stupid for being so accommodating to my ex. He deserved ridicule and devastation for cheating and lying and being a terrible, abusive person. But I was mild and fair because I was afraid of him. I still don’t know if I did the right thing, but standing up to him, even in small ways, just magnified all of his anger.
You are alive, guest, so you did the right thing for you at the time. We all beat ourselves up a bit about coulda shoulda if only I woulda… But, it isn’t too late! Sharing your experiences here, now that you have time and distance between you and your cheater helps those who are new to a) feel like they are not alone and b) realize that it is survivable. And, you can make fun of your ex with help from some very funny and sympathetic people.
Now if you have no kids and they don’t have access to weapons…laugh your ass off at them…for me please. : )
Yes, EUKC…I new there would be hell to pay but I decided to pay whatever was coming to have a chance to say my piece. The original premise is true, that laughter nips a lot of their shit in the bud…
My parents are narc/BPD – my dad doesn’t ask for stuff, but mom does… When I had 3 little kids and worked nightshifts to feed them, my mom suggested that I pay for her (who lives in a $million house but doesnt work because its beneath her) and dad to get a $2000 membership to an exclusive restaurant club. Oh the tirade I could have gone on, but instead I just laughed. end of conversation.
I’m with Unicorn on this one. Don’t fear narcissistic rage. That gives it power. Laughing in the face of it shrinks, shrivels its power. Ridicule works. It shows them that you are unafraid. and that rage they feel is your being unafraid getting through their thick skull.
My narc could never win with his words
I was atop of his games
but I know I was beyond them
I was a step on his toes tho
so often his rage is always there
I think I’ve already mocked and laughed at him too
his rage is violence pure and simple physical
because he knows I cower to it eventually if not at the beginning in my defenses
I use the balls often and he retreats
but there are times when all confidence not taking jack shit
I was right in his face when he blew off his top
and I squared him to the wall by his throat
the fear in his eyes was pricless
He was also 10 fold afraid of the police that I used only once which kept him violently off me but he uses his flying monkeys then to do his dirty work
my breasts my head and neck arms everything was physically forcefully attacked by him
I thought I was going to die for example when he slammed my head like a hammer of the ground and I counted 34 blows
So when you say don’t be afraid of his rage
I say somewhat
be afraid
you don’t know what they are capable of
lb, please keep yourself safe or get yourself safe.
Not all cheating assholean idiots are violent, but those disordered sorts down the far end of the narcissistic spectrum certainly can be, particularly when their “property” starts looking like it might walk away. That behavior may emerge subtly over time or only at the end of the relationship, but when it does it is time to reach out to the nearest domestic violence center. Don’t become a statistic. Hugs to you.
There was a time, right after Dday when he was still hiding many (most) of the lurid details of his life and he was cruelly mindfucking me and anything I said resulted in harsh repercussions, but while out on a walk during one of the few actual “discussions” we had immediate post bomb drop..
I was reflecting on how much OW was trying to change him…he was a Marine from a a rough and tumble hoe town and had fought in war and she had bought him eye cream, fancy tea, …he was Fred Flintstone looked like the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” posse was after him. So as we walked along, I threw my best zinger of the whole damn experience….
“I guess Susan isn’t going to stop until she has fully changed you into a Seattle sissyboy”
mic drop.
Great one, Unicorn!
“Fred Flintstone looked like the “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” posse was after him.”
I meant “home town” but “hoe town” prolly fits too
Hahahaha – mic drop ?- love it!!!
This is THE best advice. I plan on using it OFTEN!!
I gave this approach a test drive during the height of my chumpdom. It wasn’t planned, reasoned or even intentional but boy oh boy did it work! I used it on STBX and her AP. Drove them both nuts; more effective than anything I’d tried before or since.
I’m strictly No Contact, the path to the truth and the light with Narkles the Clown but……
I have to say this approach works well with narc co-workers. Now that I can spot them pretty easy (thanks Chump Nation!) I will zinger them when they show themselves. Case in point a co-worker was trying to brush his work off on me, so I loudly declared….
Gosh Bob, are you sure you want me to do your work? I know you told our boss that I did a bad job on my last proposal, the one that got us a million dollar contract, so are you sure you want to risk it?
Exit Bob, with angry face. Snickers from the surrounding cubicles.
They’re narcs, they’re already out to mow down everyone else to prove they’re Sparkly, why would I help them do that? I’m done with that shit.
This is great advice for dealing with bullies at work.
Nice step there, AllOutofKibble!
Yes, I can spot the Narcs now too. It seems like every social / work group I am in has a narc, at least someone on the spectrum. I am really trying to figure out how to deal with these people in the most effective and benign way.
Oh oh. Example, please!
This one I actually use quite often. I remember laughing in my husband’s face and asking him if he really thought webcam whores were impressed with him. Like – did he really and truly think he would have any shot in hell with one of them first of all, and who the hell wants a woman that makes a living my sticking her fingers up her vagina while men watch and pay her five cent tokens. I laughed so authentically one of my kids said from the other room, “Yay, it is good to finally hear mommy laugh again!” My husband was mortified because he realized 1) I was right and 2) I really was laughing in his face. I then went on to say how webcam whore was also laughing at him for spending $100 to masturbate on camera while she masturbated on camera. What the hell is that? You really paid her $100 for you to f**k yourself? At least Aldis gives you a discount for bagging your own groceries!
It felt so good to tell him just what an embarrassment it all was, and he has been groveling ever since. Guess he realized what a huge fantasy it all was. Now, I just break into the “It sucks to be you” song for his daily groveling sessions.
I don’t know if that’s an actual song, but I hear it to the tune of ‘It Had To Be You’. Now I just need more lyrics.
Yup, I just sing, “I sucks to be you!” to the same tune tune 🙂
“But what ridicule communicates to the cheater is — your mindfuckery will not work here. Move on.” and “Narcissists are incredibly thin-skinned”
I was just having this conversation with a friend who says I should let the ex know he is an asshole. But I think that being an asshole is it’s own special reward. I’m not trying to fix him, that’s why I divorced him but I have no idea why I can’t be snarky. Argh, I must be more of a chump than I thought 🙁 or maybe I’m just at Meh.
Rachel
I can be sarcastic but try not to be. Two things; one I know nothing I do or say is going to change anything that has happened or anything about him. He is who he is. Two, I think chumps are naturally kind people who find it hard to ridicule people even people who have hurt them in the worst ways. I would find it hard to ridicule anyone. It’s all that bloody empathy we have.
I guess this is off-limits?
Tempest! HEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE!
LOVE IT!
Thank you! I needed a good belly laugh today!!!!
Love this!!!!
Ridicule is aggressive. Humor — often the best humor — has veiled anger. Anger at injustice. Think of cultures with great humor — Jews, the Irish — they suffered hundreds of years of oppression. You have to look at the skewed power dynamics and laugh.
Is it nice? No. But neither is being shat upon.
Overall I’m in favor of civility, NC, and meh. But I am not opposed to landing a few zingers at them or ridiculing cheaters to your closest friends and fellow chumps. Or anonymously on boards like CN. It’s therapeutic, IMO.
Me to x about AP: (ridicule portrayed as “kindness”)
“Well, She’s not someone I’d like, but I can see why you like her. You two are SOOO suited to each other! I can’t think of two people who deserve each other more. It’s great ye found each other “!
” I know now you and I were never suited!”
The. Look. On. His. Face.
Priceless!!
He dumped her 2 weeks later. She was 4 months pregnant!
I am still afraid of my X. For a moment of ridicule on my part, he would take that as license to rip my innards out. It isn’t worth it to me.
But once, he made fun of the university where I had just received my master’s degree and a pretty prestigious monetary award. As I was walking out the door one day he said, “Heading up to [University] State High School?”
Me: “You mean where I just got my masters?!”
Him: Jeer face.
Me: “Ooooohhhh burn! It took me less time to earn two degrees than it took you to earn one. Only you would take ten years to get an undergraduate degree in unemployment! Bwhahahaha, you majored in loser.”
It was the most satisfying thing I ever said to him throughout our nasty divorce.
I absolutely agree. I think it points to a difficulty I have. I still find it hard to show him I am angry let alone let my rage go.
I’m afraid still I think of not being loved or even liked! Even by him!
It’s my fear that keeps me in my box as it were. I admire chumps who just locked their cheater out of the house or threw their stuff out of the house. I am still keeping some stuff for him and I would not be able to just put it in a storage unit and tell him. I still fear his disapproval let alone any rage.
We will all know when I can be openly hostile that I am truly on the mend.
My financial dependence is another block to me telling him exactly how I feel.
That’s why here is so therapeutic for me. The open rage, the swearing, the ridicule, the necessity of all of it to be expressed. I live vicariously through mightier chumps and tiptoe behind.
I think you know exactly when and how to engage with these disordered freaks and when to walk away. I’m just not brave enough yet to face him head on in this way. Maybe it’s just too soon for me.
Capricorn, you have mentioned your financial dependence before, and your fear of unhinging him since he will pay the mortgage. I hope you will find a way to free yourself from that and have the means to pay your own mortgage. Having that sword hanging over your head is too much!
Kiwi.
You are right. I actually went back to work yesterday. It’s volunteering as a counsellor until I get the rest of the hours needed to get my accreditation, probably one year and then I can apply for jobs and start my own practice. Then I can start working my way back to financial independence. I was a SAHM for twenty years so it is going to take a little time.
But it is my focus.
Capricorn, congrats with the first day at work even as a volunteer. For a counselor like you, I will cross the ocean!
I hated it when I was financially dependent on him. Although I worked shorter hours I could not make as much merely because I did not speak the country language well enough so I was limited. He never failed to mention this fact and that he was the sole provider blah blah. Did not matter that I did everything else myself. Even in the last 6 years when I was firmly on my feet and working and he was just transferring to my account not even half of our son’s expenses he maintained that he was supporting us and working his ass off. Travelling and fucking around was just a side effect of his free time I guess.
They use and abuse our civility. I also struggle with anger issues in that I can’t express enough. But I feel I am becoming mightier every day thanks to CL and CN. You will too.
Great news Cap, I am so glad you have a plan to regain independence from the cheater. That doesn’t change what he owes you, it’s just to sleep better at night! There was a thread yesterday on the forum about how hard it is to rejoin the workforce after years at home and when we are middle aged or older. So I am glad you’ll be able to be self employed. It’s a real challenge and a great adventure.
Cap
Where do you live? In MI you can work under supervision for not great wages until you get your full license. I too went back to grad school during my divorce. I’m 4 months from my full license and opening my own business
Well Cap, that is a great focus and a great plan.
I especially like, “and start my own practice.” You go girl!
I did the same thing, starting my own business amidst the divorce. I was actually more frightened of the divorce than failing at my new business.
My mindset was just set at determination and that failure just wasn’t an option.
Also, by having your own practice, that will also give you the extra freedom to run out during the day to take care of your boys. 🙂
I’m savoring the memory of when I pulled my pants down and bent over to shine the moon on him.
I laughed. He called me “childish.”
Omg hilarious
I am naturally snarky… I come from a family of 4 daughters and am well versed in snark and put downs and poking the soft underbelly. Can you outsource ridicule if you feel like it would be helpful? To friends or family or here? Maybe there should be a “make me laugh” thread in the forum. If I could rent out my family for snark I would!!
Hahahahaha – laughing is like therapy except better. The first and last conversation I had after filing was about month after signing and the first thing he said “You keep being a smug bitch”. Me: OK – and then I laughed and laughed and laughed. CL is dead on as usual – they HATE when you laugh at them which of course brings me great joy – I could almost see his miserable scowl through the phone. Laughing heals the soul – I can even tell my story noe and laugh at how fucked up it is. Hahahaha – I can’t believe I put his shit. Bye Felicia!!!
Bwahahahah aha
Ohhhh and when they call you to rage. Silence as they rage followed up with “Are you Done?” Followed up with a laugh and then a dialtone. He’d call my cellphone, my house phone and then my cell phone again – no answer (I was too busy laughing at his dumbass – rage away asshole to the dialtone)
One time while going through the divorce my husband called to rage just as I was getting in the shower. I put the phone down on the bathroom counter and left him to enjoy himself. I figured he’d eventually realize I’d quit listening and hang up. When I got out of the shower he was still talking to himself. It was hysterical that he’d spent 15-20 minutes raging with no one listening.
Wow just wow! Hahahaha
Whut?!!!!
Oh this is so true!
One of the few times I saw ex genuinely angry, and not the irritated “you won’t stop scoring points and being a bitch about this” angry was when, about a month out, I asked him when he came over for some stupid reason, if he’d come to his senses and thought about everything he was blowing up. He said in this ridiculously sappy tone of voice, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.” After I picked my jaw up off the floor and bit back a laugh because this man couldn’t be sappy and romantic and mean it if his life depended on it, I replied, “Oh I got it. So your poor widdle feewings and two wuv are more important than the woman you’re supposed to love, the kids you’re supposed to care for and protect and the life we’ve built together? You can’t get her out of your heart because she’s a cancer with little hooks and she has been to every man she’s fucked… I mean loved.”
Even I could see how red he got, guys, and he fumed about my mocking his feelings. I replied that his feelings have made him this stupid so damn right, I’m going to mock them, and then I went back to our children and gave up because I’d had it with his stupid 80’s hair metal rock band lyrics for a fucking justification.
I’ll never forget that bullshit excuse and eventually she’ll find out there’s just a frozen void of nothingness where he claims a heart should be. And she’s genuinely unbalanced and violent on top of it all, so that will be interesting to say the least. I was warned from several women in my coping with divorce group immediately after D-Day that eventually he’ll try to come back especially if things go south, but I don’t think he’s that stupid. He pushed us out of the black hole he calls a heart and we’re happy to stay here.
Can’t get her out of his bank account or her bacteria out of his nervous system, he means. Maybe all that rot in her vag has spread into his brain like syphilis. It still makes me smirk to this very day. Bitch, please.
He said in this ridiculously sappy tone of voice, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.”
I think part of the problem is that because these morons can’t process adult human emotions, they look to examples like movies for how emotions are supposed to work. And they believe that other people’s reactions will be as scripted in the movies. When a main character says something sappily romantic like, “I love her and just can’t get her out of my heart.” the violins swell dramatically as the character makes a brave face, and the camera cuts to the next scene of the (obviously not deserving of love) chump spouse meekly moving her things out of the marital home while saying, “I wish you the best of luck.”
The problem being that the cheater is not a character in a movie. This is real life, and sappy, dramatic bullshit is not a good reason to blow up your family and life.
What is it with narcs trying to be movie or tv characters? I swear one narc I know tried to look like Ragnar on Vikings. A couple of others say things straight out of a movie, like they are so profound or something. So obnoxious and really weird.
This is a great point. Trying to reason with my X never worked. I can say that the only times he truly looked hurt was when I made up ridicules stories to fit the scenarios he was telling me.
Like: “You were so torn up that I didn’t fold your underwear correctly that you couldn’t help but book a plane to Miami where you fell out of the plane and landed on a cruise ship while your pants were down and just happened to find your ex-girlfriend with her pants down – it was an affair miracle!”
I was having a good time making up stupid stuff and he looked dumbstruck!
Dday….when we…errr….I was talking (ok, growling)….I asked is it her or me? He said he didn’t know. (In my brain there wasn’t a choice to be made…he was out of here.) I asked, so when do you think you will know? He said he didn’t know. (Now I’m trying to remember which shelf held the Hefty Bags.)
I said guess!! (I’m thinking do I throw his crap out of the front door or the garage door.) He said when I get back from RI. I said really? (Long pause for effect.) I said tell you what, I will help you. (Wearing an evil smile at this point.) GTFO NOW!!! I ran into the kitchen and I thought I heard him say “bitch,” I could be wrong……I was in a rage. As I was tossing his crap out, he step in the way and I yelled, duck “BITCH!” Then I started to laugh in his face. He should have been a contortionist…I didn’t think facial muscles could twist like that! And she lived happily ever after, BITCH!
Bahahahaaaaaaa…I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I didn’t laugh but I definitely had the “You must think I am stupid ” reaction when Rhys reached out after several months.
Yes, I often have a sarcastic turn of phrase that I almost just can’t help, especially when confronted by stupidity, or when my knee-jerk ‘you didn’t/can’t expect me to fall fall this bullshit line of reasoning, did you?’ response is activated. On D day, after Cheater had tried to weasel out of our relationship with the ‘you were so meeeeean to me’ line a few days before, and he was trying to throw himself on my mercy by ‘coming clean’ he uttered the immortal phrase “I can’t cut off contact with her, she has no friends and I don’t know what she’ll do without me, I worry about her safety”. Before I could even help myself, I said, “That’s no good…however has she survived for the last thirty years of her life without you”. And this is me in a moment of shock and bewilderment”. About a month further along the track, when I thought I knew every assholey, sordid part of the whole deal, another piece of info came out. It was relatively inconsequential in the big scheme of things, financial, but another chip on the pile, and I’d been very clear in asking him if there was anything else I needed to go moving forward, and of course, no there was not. So when I called him on his lie as I had concrete evidence that said otherwise, and I had screamed at him down the phone that he had no idea who he was dealing with, because if he does something dodgy, I WILL find out, he activated Sad Sausage mode and came home with tears streaming down his face. By this time I had given up being shocked, and just laughed at him and told him, “You are so fucking stupid”. Mean, perhaps, but you eventually get past surprise, and have to laugh, I guess.
I guess my takeaway is these people think they are so much cleverer and sneakier than you, so I have to laugh when they shoot themselves in the foot in the process.
And, it is so so so satisfying.
I posted this in the forum, but it still makes me laugh…
Kids asked that STBX be allowed to come over for Christmas. I agreed. This is a transition year, Christmas is emotional, etc. I had rules, a time limit, but STBX tried to circumvent me by making arrangements with my 13 year old son instead of me. I shut that down. Reminded him it is my house, son shouldn’t be in the middle, this is an adult discussion, blah, blah, blah. He jumped into line, fearing (rightfully) that if he didn’t, I wouldn’t let him come over. He started being obsequious in his texts, pandering to me saying what time can I come, should I bring anything – all questions he should have addressed to me in the first place. He then texted “anything else I should know?” My response “Don’t bring a date.”
I laughed until I cried.
He responded “I’m not going to argue with you.” To which I said “No, you aren’t. There is no discussion or argument. You are coming over because I allow it. You will comply with my rules or don’t come.”
Basically, I said “you will eat whatever shit sandwich I serve, you will do it politely and quietly without complaining. And you will act like it is delicious.”
Did you toast the bread?
Oh girl this is sooo me! I have some Borderline traits, and realized that sarcasm and setting boundaries (that he called controlling) were very healing for me. I am able to adapt and turn the tables on him and mocking was my favorite!.
I believe the reason is that Narcissist respect power, and when you can disconnect and become autonomous, you don’t need them for anything. They realize you can’t be manipulated or controlled anymore, and if they want something from YOU, sometimes….you can make them your BITCH! Haha!
yes Yes YES!!!
Good for you! About time they get their turn at the shit sandwich buffet. I’m still smiling over the ‘don’t bring a date’ bit. You have to spell these things out for them and even then there’s no assurance they’ll get it or follow through.
Bahahaha! Nice one
My ex narc flies into a rage whenever confronted, even more so when he’s laughed at. As much as I’d love to do this, and do sometimes succumb, I always pay some sort of price.
I’m with the crowd who is wary of poking fun at the narcissistic rage. My EX would not only ratchet everything up a notch were I to laugh at him, but any insult I articulated would be repeated to my kids–context free, of course. So, CL’s example would immediately become, “I know how horrible your mother is, kids. Today, she told me she hoped that my nuts would freeze off. I’ve never met such a mean and disturbed person as your mother.” It would all be fodder for his narrative of victimization.
I vote for the NC approach, as much as possible, and saving the snarky jokes to share with safe friends!
They’re going to do character assassination anyway. I really think chumps are deluding themselves if they think their civility will ensure that the narcissist doesn’t do X.
Please don’t take my call for snark as permission to keep engaging. The goal is NC and meh. But while they’re still there? Lying to your face? Laugh.
Moreover, laugh elsewhere — to yourself, to your friends, online.
I told skankboy once when he was throwing things around, that to witness violence is to be a victim of violence. Oh, and by the way, my grandfather and father were drill sergeants in the infantry, ohhhhh, AND did I mention I also have six brothers so I have learned to hit back! You should have seen his face. BWAAAAHHHHHH! (I do not advocate this for others but it worked for me.)
CL
I agree again with the statement that chumps are deluding themselves if they think their civility will ensure the narc doesn’t do x.
I am a case in point. I was a great wife and mother, really really civil and he cheated!
I am still pretty civil now but I know it won’t stop him cheating it just keeps him in power and underscores my timidity around him. I’m not worried though as I am working underneath to shore up my own strengths both emotional and financial and then I can drop the nice for something a little more spicy and authentic. Hopefully before the next ice age.
I say “Do not gossip about Bad Husband!” That means don’t tell your friends and neighbors.
I also say, “Tell of the bad things he has done to those who have authority over him and can influence him.” This means I told our religious officials. This means I called the police when he got violent. When I found out he was window-peeping with binoculars, I told the apartment managers. When I found out he was hiring prostitutes, I went and told the captain of the police station.
This is how you avoid being powerless.
My STBX is the poster child of ‘They’re going to do character assasination any way’ no matter how civil the Chump and chump’s relatives and friends.
CL, absolutely laugh to your friends and laugh on line. That’s why your site is so great, you’ve given us the best place to laugh and be as potty mouthed as we need. Thank you.
Yes. The more pathological the higher the price
My ex would make me pay for it if I launched a zinger at him. But you know, in the end, he beat the crap out of me anyway so I went ahead and did it and thoroughly enjoyed it. One time I knew he was going to come storming back into the bedroom in a rage so I actually lay on my back on the bed with my feet in the air and kicked that sucker so hard in the chest he flew through the air! He didn’t know what the hell hit him, scrawny little fucker! Aaaahhh the joys of being single!
Well then get out safely and laugh at a distance. A great distance.
I looked at my STBXH one time and asked, “You can play a joke but you can’t take a joke “? He looked at me and replied, “Yes”.
Oh too funny! My STBX was sleeping in his car and taking pictures all night long in the dead of winter last year. I found the hotel receipts showing he was actually in a room with an occupancy of 2.
He said, “Well at least you know that I wasn’t alone.” Duh. Lol I had to laugh at that one. They are so stupid. Every time he tries to trick me and I point out hard cold facts he gets so mad. I called him on his shit last week and so he called me an idiot. I just texted back, “Lol, whatever.” Then he had our text me on his phone – so she got to see him call her mother an idiot.
I remember STBX telling me his dad once commented that he was not too bright. He rode that motorcycle real fast, but he wasn’t too bright, dad said.
I must agree on that one.
That’s a powerful tool, CL!
Unfortunately, I was too weak and heartbroken to employ it back then. Early on I did make dry jokes to friends and family about the situation, but my humor dried up with my hope.
In the two years following the day I filed, I did learn to joke again. And spending time with shared friends, I would sometimes laugh and dryly mock when they repeated some bullshit manipulation that Ex had said. However, they didn’t get the joke; they actually believed Ex’s lies. So, those relationships eventually died. Too bad, because many of them were good people.
Good riddens! You’re with us now! 🙂
Without a doubt, there is RISK involved in this remedy, but it can be cathartic.
I’m 2 years, 4 months out from D-day #4 and the Discard. Divorce was final in December. Arguably, I “won” that round.
Mr. Sparkles left me and our family for the OW. They lasted 18 months and supposedly broke up because she cheated on him. Meh.
However, when Mr. Sparkles took up and began playing house with a new chippy from the gym, I found my ability to LAUGH at the insanity of his life and find GRATITUDE for no longer being his victim. The new girl, let’s call her #2, is 44, never married, works part-time and goes to school part-time, and has 2 dogs and 2 cats. All meh.
BUT… where I find the laughter is that Mr. Sparkles:
1. Is allergic to cats… so he’s now getting allergy shots and using an inhaler
2. Rents a small bungalow house that is now home to her two large Huskies and all the furniture is covered in sheets (because they can’t stay at her place because of the cats)
3. Our “family” dog goes with my son for visitation – so that makes 3 large dogs (that all shed) sharing a single floor dwelling.
4. The only exit to the backyard for the animals is through Mr. Sparkles bedroom. (Don’t ask – that is a whole other joke!)
5. The only thing they have in common is going to the gym (remembers Narcs are only puddle deep)
And so, my moment of riotous laughter came just a couple weeks back when I went to pick up my son and dog from his house and he had to battle at the front door to keep the 2 huskies inside. I lost it… I began laughing so hard my son asked me if I was crying – while Mr. Sparkles stood there dumbfounded. I laughed all the way home.
And let me tell you, it felt MIGHTY.
Rock on Chump Nation.
I got an all-over-body-high from this tale!
I gave him a lint brush for Christmas 🙂
Woof woof.
Did you also buy him a flea collar?
Should be a shock collar, with a remote control for #2.
Now that is funny!!!!
Why am I picturing Pulp Fiction right now?
Perfect! Love it! Great story, great gift!
Off topic but how are you Roberta? I hope you are keeping well dear friend. xoxo
I don’t do this because it just pulls me back into contact. But I DO often sit down and write a super snarky reply and then forward it to my girlfriends instead of sending it back to him. It gives me the rush of replying and ridiculing without paying any consequences. He can’t point out what a bitch I am or forward my response on to his girlfriend. My friends and I get a good long laugh out of his stupidity. A win for all!
I do this with my friends and sisters all the time. It helps me a lot. And it helps me bite my tongue and not engage. I think to myself, “oh, I can’t wait to tell them about this!” and I am less tempted to reply to STBX directly.
I’ll echo Ex UK Chump’s note of caution. They WILL try to strike back with rage, as laughter challenges their inflated sense of self, and how DARE anyone do that.
In the last extended exchange I had with Kunty Kibbler before she left the house, she was droning on and on about how mean and bitter and spiteful I was being by not engaging with her “for the sake of the children” — the effects of gray rock at their finest — when she casually stated for the umpteenth time: “. . . when we decided to get divorced . . .”
(This was a phrase she’d been using from the very beginning — as if it was something we’d been maturely discussing for a long time and considering cooperatively, instead of the deceptive, mindfucking shit show it actually was.)
As soon as she said those words, I roared with laughter, turned to the dog and said, “Did you hear that, Youk? WE decided to get divorced! My God, she’s STILL telling that story!” The dog’s tail started wagging wildly and he excitedly tried leaping up into my lap as I continued laughing: “WE decided to get divorced!! WE did!!…”
When it finally died down and the dog returned to his bed (finally realizing that I wasn’t offering him a treat or taking him for a walk), KK calmly approached me and launched into a diatribe of how much she hated me — never really loved me, having sex with me was disgusting and done only out of a sense of wifely duty — and ended with these words: “Your are a petty, spiteful, vile human being . . . and I hope … you die…alone.”
It was just a variation on things she’d been saying for 9 months, but a far more controlled and focused bit of rage that let me know the ridicule struck a nerve in a major way (or as our soon-to-be-prez would say, ‘Big league’). And because it was so concentrated, it stung back me a bit more than all of her other moments of rage.
So just approach with caution and be prepared for blowback.
I hate her! I would love to bake some cookies with Ex-lax in it for her! GRRRRRRRRRRR!
You’re right, UXWorld, narcs hit back hard when ridiculed (but, oh, it can be worth it once you no longer give a damn about what they think).
A year after the divorce, X wanted to keep debating my right to claim oldest daughter on my taxes because she lives with me on her breaks (even after he had said I could claim her). Apparently new GF/AP is not terribly intellectual, so I think he just wanted some cognitive stimulation. Anyhoo…I grew weary of his nonsense and wrote that “As fun as this pissing match is, I have to prepare a dinner party,” told him if the same person giving him tax advice (accountant GF) was the person who gave him the bad divorce settlement advice last year, he should “get a new accountant, just sayin’,” and that I would claim oldest daughter on my taxes to even out the fact that I hadn’t made him show how much he had spent on APs during settlement. I signed it “Toodles, Tempest”
Got a similar response to UXWorld; a fragment from Hannibal, “Please be advised that your emails will now be blocked, so I won’t have to read any more of your vile language or interact with you ever again. I’ve tried time and again to have a civil dialogue with you but it’s impossible. It feels good to know that I have repeatedly taken the high road notwithstanding your horrible emails.”
[apparently the “high road” he took must be where there are lots of opportunities for strange p*ssy]
He may have a point, Tempest.
You’re very vile.
{insert wink emoji}
Seriously, though, he sounds like a huge pompous ass. How do people stand him? He’s the worst kind of blowhard – was he raised in Downton Abbey?
Wait. What?
I am told we have actual footage of Hannibal Letcher taking the high road.
That is hysterical!
OMG, hub is rewriting the story too, calling it our “differences” and that’s why we are now separated/getting a divorce (that he doesn’t want and is stalling)…while at the same time trying to harm me financially. Before no contact, I wrote him an email and told him to stop lying, whitewashing, minimizing, and justifying his shitty behavior by calling it “differences’ as if it were a mutual decision. I said the truth is that he discarded a good marriage of 25 years with a woman who was honest and faithful and adored him-he had an affair and abandoned me and our family for someone he knew a handful of weeks who had been married 4 times, was violent, and also broke up 3 other marriages, who did it for sport and $$$ , wanting me to become polyamory so that he could have both of us, and if that was what he called DIFFERENCES, he was DELUSIONAL. His response? “I don’t want to argue with you” Typical fucking narcissist.
Heh. Typical line of someone who has run out of things to say. 🙂
Either it’s that or “I don’t know…”
Uxworld – that is exactly what my ex said – “when we decided to get divorced” – six weeks after he had moved in with his whore. I just said “yeah, I didn’t like your girlfriend – still don’t”! But what crap they spin eh!
My STBX just outright said the opposite of the truth to our kids, ‘Mom filed for divorce’ although court records clearly show that during wreckonciliation he filed for divorce at the same time he asked the Court to prevent me from ever seeing our kids because (as he falsely claimed) I abused our children and tried to sexually assault my then-husband (now STBX).’
RockStarWife,
Yup, these compulsive liars are able to tell the tale (who divorced who) depending on the audience and which narrative they want the next person to believe.
Fact is that I filed for divorce plain and simple. And I served the bitch the papers myself. There is my proof.
My Exw would tell her “girlfriends” that she divorced me – but in the 2nd breath she would tell my kids that I divorced her.
After a while these cheaters cant remember all the lies that they told everyone.
SCAL,
I wonder what exactly your ex got out of telling two different stories, not that knowing the answer changes things for us chumps, but as someone who has done psychology research, I am prone to wonder.
Good point RSW,
My best guess would be image management. She wants to control how others view her with lies.
She wants her girlfriends to view her as a strong woman who creates her own happiness (by cheating??). She knows that her girlfriends will never hear the truth from me as I dont speak to them.
As for kids, Which she knows I speak to, she is taking the sad sausage narrative there. She knows she cant lie to the kids about what she did because I will set the kids straight with the truth.
The funny part is when you catch them in one of those lies. My ex left me for a girl he knew for a month (who he was using a fake name with and who did not know he was married). When I asked him what he was going to tell people about the divorce it went like this:
Ex: we just got divorced.
Me: and if they ask why?
Ex: I’ll say I cheated and you left.
Me: I left??
Ex: Fine! I left! (Stomps away)
My MIL actually told both of us separately that we needed to come up with “narratives” regarding the divorce so it’s no wonder where he gets the idea this is ok. I told her mine was pretty straightforward: he cheated and left.
UX, that is a great story. Haha. Ruff, Ruff, Ruff!!
Well, I also have a dog story. About a year or so after DDay when I started getting my integrity back, Whorrie (still in the house) was tanning in a bikini in the back yard on a lay-down lawn chair. My dog was laying down between her legs with the dogs tail/butt was right on her privates – dogs head was towards her feet. The dog was wagging her tail fiercely and the tail was clearly rubbing against Whorrie’s privates.
So I walked up laughing hysterically and said, “Are you having fun? Are you having fun?”
Whorrie responded, “Well actually I am.”
My response, “I wasn’t talking to you, I was talking to the dog.”
Boom! Immediate puss on Whorrie’s face and days of narc abuse followed. Ahhh the good old days.
I just peed my pants laughing
We go now to Whorrie preparing for thee date tonight with Mr. Right Now.
Hahahaha. This is funny.
I would actually love to go on a date with Simon Pegg!
Yeah, Pegg is the best. Do prefer the bikini or this outfit though?
Hahaha. What’s this from? I think I’m going to have to do some binge watching tomorrow (I don’t think there’s anything else worth watching this weekend).
Simon Pegg is in Star Wars: The Force Awakens (2015) with an uncredited cameo as Rey’s guardian.
‘Star Wars’ AND ‘Star Trek’?!
Isn’t that blasphemy?
I think this looks more like MY ex’s date tonight … not Whorrie’s!!
Hahahaha, Dubious – you indeed are a sick fuck. 🙂
I learned it from watching you, Sure. Hey, I have a thing this weekend; can you say come over and help me shave my back?
OUTSTANDING!!!!! You just made my day with this story.
That slut was having a good ‘ol time, Sure!
UX at least that whore left the house and killed every last shred of hope and tenderness you had, right? I can say unequivocally after a year here that I am glad I don’t have to suffer the long-goodbye lining-up-ducks exit; it’s anguishing to witness. So, while you got a black belt in grey-rock, I see it as you got under that hooker’s skin, and got your balls back. Fuck her saggy tits, wrinkly face, and the motherfucking purple-horse cock she rode in on. Cunt.
I laughed at my ex once, when I was attempting reconciliation. He said that he had talked it over with the OW and she said that if he wanted to save our marriage that he should fight for me. Apparently she was distraught that her ex (whom she was cheating on) didn’t didn’t fight for her while she was screwing my ex. I laughed out loud at the absurdity of the logic. She wanted him to fight for HER when SHE was the one who trashed the marriage and was actively cheating?! I told my ex that it should have been the other way around, that she needed to fight for HIM if she wanted to save their marriage. Blank stare. (I got that response most of the time.) That was my turning point in realizing that I was up against a complete absence of logic and reason, and that’s when I stopped the pick-me dance. Predictably, my ex followed the kibble trail rather than his commitments to me and our child. Buh-bye.
Yes, fight for them! It’s ALL about them!
What’s amazing is that I did fight for her–just not in whatever unrealistic way she believed I should have. I went to MC. I had more sex. I took her on dates. I sat and had hours-long calm and patient conversations about how I don’t want an open marriage, even if she does.
But, to her, that wasn’t “fighting for her.” Or, I only did those things for 6 months, interspersed with occasionally standing up for myself, exposing the affair to her family, and taking time away from her.
She didn’t want six months. She wanted me to keep up that emotional turmoil for years if necessary.
Uh uh. No way. Six months was too long. I’ll never sacrifice my dignity like that again.
Yes, you fought with wholeheartedly and with the commitment of a loving spouse. I think you’re 100% spot-on that she was disappointed that you wouldn’t keep it up indefinitely. Emotional immolation is not a reasonable expectation. I assure you that my ex isn’t “fighting” for her to her standards, either.
And what did she do to fight for you? Not a damn thing. Absolutely ridiculous.
Mr. Free Vixen enjoys doing the pick me dance with his OW.
Oh how I’d love to see her (or anyone, really) do this to him! In reality, I suspect neither of them are pick-me dancing, and they are instead making themselves and each other miserable. It’s tough to sparkle with a shiny new infant in the picture.
I wish I had done this years ago! 🙂
+1,000
My stbxh mocked and ridiculed me at the worst time of my life. Chumpy me felt like if I did it right back then I was lowering myself to his level. I did indulge myself in a few LOL’s by text and email which were met with silence(possibly unexpressed rage-/who cares?) but I did feel bad for doing it. I will remember this and use it if I get the opportunity because I am so over any guilt when it comes to that wackjob…
My STBX used to say my snarky talk (about, not directly to) others was mean. I use it as a form of venting and am rarely directly snarky to someone. They really need to deserve it.
And my snark is nothing compared to affairs, hookups, potential disease, lies, absence, gaslighting, etc. etc. I refuse to feel guilty for anything I say to or about him (I don’t badmouth him to kids – just hold him accountable.) I could speak poorly of him with every sentence until I die and the scales of awfulness would still be tipped heavily in his favor.
Preach.
It does feel good. But for me I would feel bad later. After all I did love him. And no matter what he did those feelings just don’t go away. So yeah I had those moments of snarky comments and ridiculing him. But that pleasure didn’t last. One day it’ll happen when I just really don’t care and can laugh my ass off at him and feel good about it. But not there yet.
Give it time, ImaPhool. You’ll get there, and you’ll be glad once you do. It took me nine months, and every month it gets easier.
Nine months? I’m jealous…its been one year and we’re officially divorced and have had NC for 3 months straight now – last time I saw him was in court. But that piece of paper doesn’t change anything. Ive been told it’ll take about 2 years…so I’m half way there. But more power to ya for getting there already.
It depends on how long you were together and how bad the abuse was. You are doing well. My best friend wrote me an email of support that I put in my notes on my phone so I could access it. I was having a hard time because I felt sorry for my STBX and her letter reminded me of the highlights of the horrible things he did to me. Whenever I felt sympathy for him, I reread it. It was really helpful when I was feeling un-mighty.
Hugs!
I think a lot of people, especially women, are conditioned to feel badly when they express or even feel negative emotions: anger, hatred, jealousy, envy, sadness, etc. And we are certainly trained not to feel that way about our spouses. So, you aren’t just dealing with conditioning from your cheater, but from your culture. It is okay to feel multiple feelings at the same time – some compartmentalizations are good: you loved the person you thought you had married, you loved the idea of him AND you hate the way he acted and who he really is. Being able to “hold” both of those feelings takes work but will help you get there sooner.
Getmefree, I hear you…we are taught to be that way. Again, having 6 brothers I am more in tuned to my male side, although I clean up nicely as have been told to me.
Louisvilleflower (born in Lexington myself) Holding two opposing views of your husband i.e. he’s good he’s bad, I love him I hate him, is called Cognitive Dissonance and it’s actually doing physical damage to your brain to hold opposing thoughts at the same time! It’s why we Chumps are able to convince ourselves to stay in these toxic abusive relationships, ( but he’s good…) and it’s one of the most challenging and important issues to address and come to terms with as we heal. I learned in therapy that when these Cluster B types are acting “Good” is when they are at their most dangerous. This is when their Psychopathy is in full form. Yes they can be “good”, they can play the role of the amazing person we fell in love with, because they will do whatever it takes in the moment to get what they want, without a care of what it does to someone else). But don’t you forget for one single second: The person they REALLY are the is the one who is capable of Intentionally doing all the hurtful things they have done and will continue to do. They cannot sustain any real positive change over any length of time. We need to get it through our thick skulls (and hearts) that who they really are is Evil. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Chump Change –
You just described it perfectly. It was all those moments when he reverted back to the guy who acted like he loved and appreciated me that kept me hanging on. All along it was just part of the manipulation. Makes me sick.
Exactly. It makes me feel so stupid and gullible for falling for his BS for decades. I mean really? What a rat bastard for stealing my life.
I wasn’t talking about two opposing views. Not “you’re an ass but I love you anyway.”
I am talking about acknowledging to yourself that you did indeed love him (past tense) but you hate his actions (past and current). I am talking about being able to accept both things as true. I beat myself up a lot for ever loving my STBX. But I did. That fact/feeling is never at the forefront of my mind, but I cannot pretend it didn’t happen. It doesn’t invalidate the disgust I feel for him now. It took time for the love feeling to shrink to where it is a small part of me, and rarely affects my day to day life. The disgust and distrust and self protection are in full control as I navigate my divorce, settlement and custody.
May the Force Be With You!
LouisvilleFlower
I agree about the conditioning thing.
But for me I have my values and being true to myself is important to me. So even though he has behaved in the most vile way imaginable I don’t want his behaviour to drag me down to his level. Ridicule can be useful and does take the self serving pomposity and stupidity down quite effectively. But I don’t want to become that person. Well. Not often!!
I like to just walk away. Grace under fire.
Get my laughs elsewhere.
Just wait. You are still early on. It will come. I felt as you do at first and even for a long while. But one day, long after he had moved out and divorce proceedings were well underway, something changed in me. I had had enough. Even if you are laughing behind his back, alone in your home, to your girlfriends or to chump nation rather than directly to him, the laughter Is very empowering. When one can see the ridiculousness of the situation, of the cheater’s logic, pathetic excuses, etc. it is a sign of the chump’s health. You will see.
Perfect, Miss Delta Girl.
Thanks guys – appreciate each person’s outlook here. It’s been almost a whole year since the hammer fell. Need reminders at times that its ok to feel one way or the other. After all, there is no manual or handbook on how to deal with this. But this place sure helps a lot.
Miss delta girl
I agree see comments upthread. I’m too early in and too concerned still with how he sees me.
I agree that laughter is empowering. Once I filed for divorce I received almost daily threatening emails. He was going to bankrupt me, ruin my reputation, upset me so I would get really sick……it was all so ridiculous and pitiful, I laughed after each one. It just got funnier and funnier. That’s when I realized I was free of it all and knew deep down I would be fine. But, it took 5 years, the last 3 of NC to get to that point. It all takes time and I believe mourning the death of the marriage had to happen as well. When you are NC for a period of time, you stop caring about how your ex sees you.
” I suggested that when faced with gaslighting the best thing to do is disengage and stop trying to help the manipulator “understand.” They understand perfectly. They’re mindfucking you. ”
This is important bevause they know you are looking for validation…..so that is exactly what they will withold.
Stbx was a cold, controlled bastard. Did all the usual mindfuckery, gaslighting, etc. he absolutely lost his shit when I sent him this, lol:
There once were two narcs
That fell in TruLuv
Blew up two families
And now six kids have none
The two narcs love the shiny
Reflected back on them
The kids and the ex spouses are so done
Wowza!!!!!!!!
Cheaters are very serious about how serious they take themselves seriously.
Cheaters are serious about their groin bathrooms selfies… and if you laugh at their artistic shaved pubes with toilet seat in background you’ve wounded them.
Cheaters take their groomed pubes very very seriously and it’s not fair you laughed that the Toillet is part of the selfie shot. Cheaters don’t fart or piss or take a dump, the Toillet being in the bathroom is the fault of the lesser spouse, because if a cheater had the “power” to redecorate their bathroom it would only be mirrors.
A cheater is the “victim”, and laugh if you laugh at their pathetic cheater antics, such as bad poetry and the scum their cheating with it really really really hurts their serious feelings.
Repeat….it really really really really hurts cheaters that you laugh at their low level cheater partner “aka soulmate” who enjoys their bad poetry and “artistic” groin selfies from the bathroom. It’s art and it’s really really really real. Repeat they are really really real…..really!!!
Cheater expect chumps to cry, cheaters revel in your tears and want to drink your tears in shot glasses and to laugh at them makes it so disrespectful to their “uniqueness”.
Cheaters do not want to be laughed at….cheaters are serious….really…. really….really serious about how serious about how seriously special.
Don’t you see the facebook quotes, some even have sunsets and pictures of puppies and it took them nearly 10 seconds to download those super serious quotes that even come with pictures. Cheaters are good at downloading inspirational quotes that come with pictures.
Hahaha….Namaste y”all….seriously
So true and so hilarious, PF!!!!!
Bad poetry. I fucking wish. Her grampfuck would’ve at least showed originality instead of sending memes stolen from some 14 yo girl’s Instagram account.
LMFAO
I find that the most effective form of ridicule is to make sly reference to his “manlihood.” He reaaally hates that! For ex, last week, my son said frisbee golfer was “talking to” several women when he claimed to me that he still loved me and would never betray me in that way again. I said “do what you will with what’s in your pants. No longer my concern.” He said “it hasn’t been your concern in quite awhile.” I responded “lol – even before I knew it! No matter – wasn’t much there to begin with.” He said “what what what??? Is there an echo in here” (aka I am not listening). I said “yes and it’s coming from your pants. Good night.” Him – ok. We done.” Me – “ya think???” Still laughing…..
Haha, very quick, I love you.
Lol yes! I made fun of his inability to ejaculate during intercourse. I said I don’t understand how people would still want to fuck you even though you can’t even fuck properly. He hung up the phone immediately.
LWBR, my ex had the same issue. I told him to bring it to the doctor’s attention at his annual health check-up. When he arrived home I asked him what the doctor said. You will love this. He said that the doctor told him in order to get the spark back he should have sex with someone else or others because he had been with me for too long. I told this to a therapist and she did state that I should not believe one word out of the ex’s mouth. I am gullible and at first I did believe him but I am also not stupid and my gut told me to be on alert because I had a feeling that I knew what was to come and it wasn’t him!! 🙂
It is called Delayed Ejaculation and is actually a side effect of ‘porn addiction’. There is even a technical name for it now “Porn Induced Erectile Dysfunction”. My husband, the ‘recovering porn addict’ had it and couldn’t ejaculate until he finally gave up porn.
It comes from them spending so much time jacking off they desensitize their penis and literally – can no longer feel anything other than their own hand. Even that gets harder to feel – so they turn to more porn.
Messes with their heads big time, which is why they are always trying to go out and cheat and try and prove it isn’t their penis, but their wife that is the problem. Of course, they find out it really is their penis that is the problem. There is an entire ‘community’ of men doing something called “rebooting” where they try to stay off porn for 90 days to try to get their penis to work again – LOL!
my stbxh had me feeling sorry for HIM as he,attributed our fizzling sex life to his condition — which he claimed was ED associated with aging.
Truth was he was heavily into porn and an affair with his 27 year old – to his 53 yrs – assistant
Of all his lies – that still strikes me as the most heartless!
Well, I’ve heard that ed can sometimes be an early sign of heart issues. All the vascular things are interconnected, it seems. So there’s that for a young schmoopie to look forward to!
Coolbreeze…….you just taught me something I never knew! But it sure makes tons of sense now! The XPOS must be a huge porn addict……from first time – year 10, he never could complete the act. (hate the sound of the real word)
I also had evidence of the porn stuff…..wow, wow……makes so much sense now.
And the shaved areas….well the XPOS shaved back, legs, arms, underarms, privates AND over plucked his eyebrows! Looked like a female freak. I think he might be bisexual anyway. This could explain that too.
To me…….he’s just a con artist freak!
To add….the only hair on him was on his head (the one with the tiny brain inside it). AND he added hair to that area via plugs! He just couldn’t stand the thought of aging because maybe the little girls he sucks into his schemes wouldn’t go out with him anymore.
Fuckin’ freak.
Omg, just thought of a bunch of rebooters at a “porn addicts anonymous” meeting.
“Hi, my name is Steve. It’s been 37 days since I jacked off to porn.”
Group intones “Hi Steve.”
(Not making fun of true addicts here. Only assholes who blame their problems on supposed addiction.)
That is EXACTLY what they do!
On the online forums, they have “counters” that say how many days it is been since they jacked off to porn! Most can’t get past a couple of days before they have to restart their counter!
I mean, really – they jacked off so much they can no longer get it up and they sit there whacking off with a limp noodle and they still can’t stop! They need ‘accountability partners’ and there is even an app they download in case of ’emergency’ there is a guy there to talk them down of the jacking off cliff.
If I could like this a hundred times, I totally would.
Especially the bathroom selfie/”sexy” pics because this was one of OW’s biggest fetishes. lol Apparently along with all her two wuv posts on Facebook (according to friends who are still mutual friends with ex and the slunt), which get crickets from ex. Not even a like. 😉 But he loves her so much! lolol Right.
What is it with all the selfies in bathrooms? My ex and his Schmoopie did this all the time. I actually know what the men’s room looks like at his former employers only because he was taking selfies of himself at work too! Yuck!
^^^THIS^^^ what is it about male Narcs and shaving their pubic hair? I couldn’t get Mr. Sparkles to wax his back or brush his teeth before bed or take a shower after coming home from the gym… but he had a perfectly groomed penis and testicles. RED FLAG ANYONE?
More laughter 🙂
Yep just got triggered… A memory popped up back to one time when Gaslighter was grooming his pubes, I thought that was so weird. He was doing it right in front of me when I was in the bathroom. Red flags were flapping while be in the breeze but I must’ve been in deep denial. That was years and years and years ago. Serial cheat much? Another form of abuse.
My gosh, I just had a flashback of this as well, now that you mention it. We all know WHY they shaved their pubies!! They were getting BJ’s from somewhere! More proof on my end of what he denied and tried to hide. Schmoopie was in the picture for quite awhile.
There it is….sexxxy bathroom pics….hahahaha….but serious, seriously funny….
Good thing Toillet plungers were invented.
Why am I thinking Giraldo Rivera?
I”d bet good money Giraldo Rivera has taken some bathroom pix.
SAME! Wow.
ICSTMC, I may be wrong but I have a feeling that they think if they shave around their penis and testicles, things may look larger or more desirable. In their dreams. They forget that the most important 6 inches is between their ears and let us be honest, some of them if not a lot of them would struggle to be that big!!
By the way, they forget to shave the rest of their bodies. Why I do not know and yet I read where a lot of males expect women to be completely hairless and that young men today have never seen pubic hair. Oh how nice it is to be old. Sorry to all of the decent male Chumps on this site, my comments were not directed at you just the players out there and that does include my ex.
You are all class, Maree. Glad you are on our side.
Ian, I have your back young man ! Good men it seems are hard to find and yet it is the likes of you, Nomar, Arnold and the rest of the gang here who still give this old girl some hope.
LMAO
I laughed when I found red bikini underwear in his laundry. Laughed to his face. He was enraged. It was proof that I didn’t care!
Worked for me.
I’m visualizing a conversation along the lines of “You’ve REALLY got to stop wearing these. It’s pretty embarrassing.”
*PFFFT* :I
BAHAHAHA!
While Cheater is not a narcissist, dealing with the aftermath of his affairs (and finding CL especially) was GREAT for picking out the other narcissists in my life. Loving, tender emotions came to a crashing halt, since my trust itself was broken, and I had to deal with everyone’s actions.
1) What they said vs. what they did not matching up.
2) What expressions and vocal tones were genuine or what were not. I became a human lie detector.
3) Letting people be who they were and not helping them be the person I knew they were *capable* of being. If they didn’t want it badly enough for themselves, it wasn’t going to happen. And more importantly, I wasn’t going to help.
I had very little, as it was, to get ME through existing… and only that because of my children. I certainly wasn’t going to expend anything for anyone else’s benefit. My mantra to all the USERS in my life was what CL recommends: Bummer. Wow. I’d say “Oh. Well, I hope you get that sorted out soon.” Previously, I would help them and get screwed over. The narcs stopped when I stopped feeding them a willing, helpful, and positive attitude. That’s what Narcs EAT. I was a cold, plain fish.
Ridicule works on false-sense-of-pride people who need to be shown that they don’t matter to you anymore; it doesn’t work on narcissists. Narcs loves ridicule; it makes them the victim. Being a victim provides them with bait for others: a myriad of reasons for being sad, or late for work, or not paying bills/doing chores/bad parenting, or not wanting to go out. “What’s wrong?!,” their “friends/family” will ask. And then they’ll TELL OTHER PEOPLE what you said, in the most vicious way possible.
Go cold and plain. Give them absolutely nothing to take away from any situation except that you’re of no use to them.
3) Letting people be who they were and not helping them be the person I knew they were *capable* of being. If they didn’t want it badly enough for themselves, it wasn’t going to happen. And more importantly, I wasn’t going to help.
Thank you for this!!! I so needed to read this today as I am often quite guilty of it with several people in my life.
I may print it out and put it on my desk. I love this website!
Cheater, “She’s prettier than you”
Chump, “So is Angelina Jolie”
Cheater, “What the hell are you talking about?”
Chump, “Well, there are a lot of really pretty women out there so I was giving you some more choices.”
Cheater, “She’s better at sex than you”
Chump, “Tell me more. Next person I have sex with I’ll borrow some of her moves”
Cheater, “She pays more attention to me.”
Chump, “Why?”
Cheater, “What do you mean “why”?”
Chump, “Why does she pay more attention to you?”
Cheater, “I guess because she thinks I’m interesting.”
Chump, “Why?”
lol lol lol lol
Letgo, Please, please begin writing for comedy TV. I watch a lot of it because I love to laugh. You are hilarious.
PS Shows how stupid these idiots are – how did he let you get away?
Roaring, I would love to take credit for this but I only gave a small contribution. My brother and his kids were abandoned totally by his wife. Someone asked him about her and his “why” answers were right on the money. I fudged it a little but his deadpan, disinterested answers let everyone know he was completely at meh. The AJ conversation was between a husband and wife I know that started when he told her if she ever got fat he would leave her. I think she wishes he had. The sex one I got from reading CL. You guys have cheaters who have used every excuse on the planet for cheating and I thought that would be a perfect way to shut them the hell up.
For the win!
Flat sarcasm is WAY more fun with a narc, for sure! Ridicule excites them… feeding their truth back to them without being charged up about it? They don’t even know what to do. They just know that this game is not fun for them anymore. 😛
^^^THIS!!! So funny!
Even if you aren’t in a position to directly ridicule your cheater, ridicule can be a powerful and cathartic tool in your own healing. You can ridicule in absentia! Until recently, my ex was the only man I had had sex with. One of his many mindfucks was that I was cold and uninteresting in bed. In order to “spice things up” he bought a book of illustrated sex positions and gave it to me with instructions to mark the ones I wanted to try. I was up for trying some new things so I went through and marked a whole bunch of pages with post-its and gave the book back to him to look at. Later, he gave me the book back with the notation “DTS” on almost all of the post-its. When I asked him what DTS stood for he said “dick too short”. And that was the end of any attempt to try new things on my part because of course it was MY FAULT AGAIN for picking things he couldn’t do. Cut to present day when I have a wonderful lover who has opened up a whole new world for me. I am totally NC with my ex so there is no opportunity for me to tell him I finally got to experience all those fun positions with someone who definitely doesn’t have DTS issues but I did tell my new guy that story and whenever we do something that is new to me I say “no more DTS” and we both laugh. Even if my ex never knows that I’m laughing at him, I know and it helps heal any residual scarring from thirty plus years of blame shifting and mindfucking.
Man, fuck that short-peckered cheater.
I did. For thirty years. Yawwwwwwwn. Now I know better. Much better. 😉
This is a great story, @Beth. Finding laughter wherever you can get it is the important thing.
Your ex set himself up in SO many ways with that episode — not least of which is putting a cryptic notation on the post-it notes, thereby forcing him to admit to you and to himself that he had a small dick.
Well my cheat, whatever type he is, reacts to my anger with a lot of sad sausagery. If I laughed at him I think he would smile ruefully as if he could see the joke but how mean I was for laughing but he would take it as he is the bigger person.
Not much emoting goes on in his head.
I do enjoy telling my friends about his odd comments and weird reactions but it’s not in a belly laugh kind of way, more of a WTF kind of way.
Trust me to get a non sparkly, can’t emote about anything, sad sausage cheat.
My first boyfriend though who I dated for five long years was bipolar, controlling, highly sparkly and volatile – different story. I only ever laughed at him once. If I laughed at him or even felt the urge the payback would have been spectacular. We were in the car and I had decided to leave him and had got to the point that I didn’t care what he did. Being dead was preferable to staying with him. So I tell him we are done and there was silence. I thought he might just crash the car but he pulled over, began to cry and asked me if I would still have his children. I just cried with laughter but the hysterical kind. He begged he pleaded he apologised and I just felt all his power just drain away. Still remember that moment so clearly. He drove me back to uni and I never saw him again for five years and then I heard he had committed suicide about ten years ago.
I think he knew at what point I was. I literally didn’t care what happened. But they can be so thin skinned that laughter can be risky. Use with care. IMO.
Capricorn, you obviously appreciate humor here. And you are still new with this, though mighty for being a newbie! You will get there. Once more of the horror washes away and you find yourself still surviving you will find your humor. From what you have written about your family of origin, I suspect that your potential rapier and scathing wit was suppressed long ago, so it might take you longer to unearth it. I understand that you are in a precarious place waiting for your divorce to finalize. And your STBX sounds like a zombie with a penile implant. But I think your humor will start to show up eventually. As I said above, dark humor comes easily for me. I worked in social services and if my colleagues and I had not eaten chocolate and cracked jokes (in privacy) we would not have survived our jobs. I feel the same way about the demise of my marriage.
“zombie with a penile implant”, there’s a subtitle! 🙂
My son (15) accidentally trod in dog shit the other day, and managed to get it all over the interior of my STBXW’s new car! (This is the woman who cant afford an attorney or mediation) She raged at him..calling him useless, an idiot etc (She’s lovely eh?)
He called me and said how upset he was by what his mother had called him. I was careful not to criticise his mother in front of him and thought about it for a minute or two. I simply told him to talk to his mum when things had calmed down, tell her that those words were hurtful, say he was sorry he trod shit all over her car it was a genuine accident. If she apologises, accept it an move on like grown adults, if she doesn’t and continues..walk away it’s not worth it.
At that point we both LOL’d at the fact that he had trodden dog shit all over his mums new car! I had a smile on my face the rest of the day, and the next day, and the next…I’m still smiling now.
This is the BEST thing EVER! My cheater wouldn’t allow our kids (years ago) to eat ANYTHING in his car. The photos he took when he left were of Him and his CARS through the years! He was very concerned that on the way to the hospital to give birth, my water would break in his CAR!! Two weeks before he announced he wanted a divorce, I picked up his new CAR from the dealership. DOG SHIT in his CAR would most likely KILL him!!
Thank you for this!! ROTFL!!!
“The photos he took when he left were of Him and his CARS through the years!”
Wha…?!
Yes, some with his shirt off! The first was a ’68 Cougar, then 4×4 GMC Jimmy (cowboy phase), then Porsche 914 (the one that sounds like a lawnmower), Italian Alfa Romeo Milano (so practical with a new baby & carseat!) then, several company cars (one caught on fire, lol), then Audi then, lastly, the BMW (“FGA”=Fine German Automobile)… yep, got photos of himself with all his 4 wheeled ‘muses’. These were packed in his backpack before his issuing the divorce announcement, along with his passport, birth certificate and, oh yes, there were the pictures of him (not with Son) as a Boy Scout Leader in his uniform… (at 300 lbs! ha!) and yes, a few pictures of the kids as babies…. not one of me though…
Self is Central! All the rest of us were just accessories in his fantasy life. Like Cars. Trade em in, trade em out.
That stinks. Sounds like her new car is kind of shitty.
I see what you did there. 😉
Sorry I got dog shit in your car, Mum.
If that isn’t metaphoric, I don’t know what is.
That is just too funny!!!
Lucky you, MBE, I wish I had a similar “uh-oh, look what happened, I’m so sorry” experience to relate!!
It is like the karma bus splashing the cheater with a big puddle of muddy water rather than running them over.
mickey, I too try not to directly criticize their dad, so I say things like ‘it’s never ok to speak to someone like that’ or ‘no one should use those kinds of mean words’ along with the ‘that must have really hurt, I’m sorry that happened’. It was super useful to direct them to speak to their father about issues that came up between them, because then the kids saw for themselves who/what they were dealing with. My ex thinks I poisoned his relationship with the kids, but he did it all himself!
But I LOVE that he got dog shit in her car! It’s what she deserved!
I’m nc with my stbx but couldn’t resist sending him a Christmas present in the mail. It was a toilet paper/cell phone shelf holder. I was laughing for days about sending it. I could just imagine his face when he opened the box. I put a nice little note in there saying “for the man who has everything -except for his integrity and the respect of his family”. I never broke no contact but it was satisfying sending that zinger. Of course, he didn’t say anything about getting it-but I know it was delivered. ha ha — cheaters suck!
Ha ha!! Next year he gets the fucking bananas statue, right?!!
priceless!
Love your work strong woman.
My STBX was fully convinced that if my mum ‘heard his side of the story’ she wouldn’t hate him so much. I was gobsmacked! Than I laughed and laughed. I said ‘Are you serious?! You cheated on her daughter for years and damaged her grandchildren! What part of ‘your side of the story’ could possibly justify that!’ I was so stunned at his ridiculous statement that I could do nothing but laugh. And laugh. And laugh. And yep, he got REALLY angry. Which made me laugh more.