So the other day a little commentary broke out on a thread when Luziana pronounced herself the future “Mayor of Meh Town.”
In the Kingdom of Meh, there are no sad sausages. Says Luz:
Subscribe to get the latest posts sent to your email.
This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.
But only if you make your own crust. No store-bought crust EVER in Meh Town.
Found my niche in Meh town – I know how to make pie crusts PLUS I can make shortbread pie crusts (like Marie Calendars).
Meh town must have a spa ….and a yoga studio!
And the Square in town must have a tree we all can decorate!
Yummy! And there is a bookstore–with books by CL perpetual bestsellers, and absolutely no worthless RIC books ever on the shelves. The coffee shops and cafes double as social meet up spots, and without any cheaters in sight, we chumps have a grand time socializing.
Yum…shortbread pie crust …need recipe.!!! There is sharing and caring in Meh Town.
Another vote for something *other than* the overwhelming mishmash of current “look-at-me” yoga smugness & self-involvement. Truly meditative yoga is great, so hopefully this phase of a LOT of cheaters using show-off yoga to strip down & hook up will pass.
(PS. Luz, I also love sushi – not ready to vote sushi out of Meh Town)
yes, Yoga was one of the hook up sites and general locale for checking out potential ass. (along with the gym) we had huge fights over him wanting to have a private yoga class. I have hated yoga ever since. and have since found out yoga classes are where many gentsitalias go for hook ups.
Yep. Mine too. When his skank contacted me via email to triangulate, she signed her manipulation Namaste, Skankwhore. I’d like to kick her right in the Ohm.
I understand your hatred of something the OW loved, but you have to realize where that comes from, right? It’s not the activity itself, it’s the association.At it’s best, Yoga is a wonderful, healthy activity. Can we please not let the Dumbasses ruin good things? I have done Yoga since High School, thanks to a good teacher I had, it was 1972! I feel Yoga has helped me stay flexible and strong.
I need to buy a new car soon, and the one I have decided on is a specific model of Subaru. The same one OW who I hate forever had, dang it! It is the best car for my needs, so I’m going to get it anyway, fuck her for real, she doesn’t own Subaru! I’ll make it mine, and she is a nothing, so I refuse to let whatever the F she did change my beautiful life.
Yeah – a lot of these wack-a-doodles think they are new aged and special.
I am getting back into Karate this winter.
No yoga pants wanna be enlightened shit there!
( MOW was into the colour purple and sushi was THE food of choice as well ).
These people make my brain hurt.
Can we outlaw sushi while we are at it? Seems to be the food of choice for skank whores, who actually write entire fucking emails about it. Even love sick ex didn’t know what to do with that. I laugh my ass off thinking about how stupid and immature these people are.
Decorated with a carefully culled selection of ornaments that do not remind us of our cheaters!
The problem is that EVERYTHING either reminds me of the Cheater or the Fucker (aka my ex-friend) she cheated on me with 50± times while I worked nightshift to support her ass. Maybe we could decorate with little voodoo dolls of those who betrayed us?
that’s all fine and dandy, and much to aspire to, but in reality, we are wounded souls who will forever live with PTSD. Those who claim the opposite, are either medicated to the point of apathy, or self-medicate, or are themselves on the narcissistic spectrum, therefore, were never invested emotionally to begin with. Narcissists move on quickly and rarely ever look back or reflect on their past. The rest of us are like wounded birds, who are learning to fly again. Meh is an interesting concept but slightly utopian, in my opinion. Especially, when the whore who fucked your husband, is living a happy life with her husband, who forgave her (?), and it’s only your family, including little confused kids, who are left with the destruction that they left you with. I don’t give a damn about my ex, really. Having children with him was the biggest mistake of my life, as I’ve never really loved the man. But how dare that whore he fucked, is able to keep her marriage intact (again, her hubby either is in strong denial, or she convinced him it never happened, or he forgave her), and overall, no one’s life has changed much but MINE. No, I’ll never get over that.
I am a little late to the party but…. Yearight… Utopian? Far as I know nobody got a lobotomy.
I am a little doubtful of this wonderess place called Meh too…but I gotta point the compass in some direction! Driving in circles in ‘ Angry Town ‘ is not going to get you moving forward. You haveto decide if you want to makethe trip. And if you do , you will pass a lot of towns on your way to Meh… ‘ WTF am I Doing Here, Pity, Lonely, Loss and No Where’ but when you move thru those towns you start to see a change in the scenary. You check the map and you are about to come to ‘ I am OK ‘ and alittle further down the road is ‘ Aint Gonna Cry No More’
Yearight… Its your choice if you want to jump on the road… i aint sure if its going to Meh or some other place that I need to stop. Point is you have to star moving in a direction toward healing… If it aint Meh… Then invent your town. Picture that place… And go.
Yeahright –Meh is possible. I understand you got dealt a raw deal. Life didn’t turn out “fair.” I get that. But Meh is a place where you don’t think about how pissed you are at these idiots, and “trust that they suck” and will likely get their comeuppance because they’re shitty people. That won’t change. But the point is that you reach a place where you don’t think about how “unfair” things are/were, and you really don’t even think about whether or not their comeuppance has happened. You just “do you” and don’t let them define you anymore.
About your comment (“Having children with him was the biggest mistake of my life”): Your kids deserve to have one parent who isn’t selfish. They didn’t ask to be born just as much as you didn’t ask for the fallout of your spouse’s bad decisions. I hope you don’t let them see your resentment. They will think you’d rather they weren’t born because they “ruined your life.” That’s a terrible thing to do to a kid’s self-esteem. Help them by helping yourself get to a better place. Anger is normal, but please contain that shit with them so they have half a shot at having healthy lives.
I know it’s hard to imagine your life in a different place than it is right now. Many of us here had to start over in life and know PTSD well. It sucks and it takes time to heal, but there’s also a concept known as “Post-Traumatic Growth” and I think that is what CL means when she talks about finding your “mightiness.” It’s the flip side of PTSD, and it’s a place where you gain wisdom and find meaning in the pain you’ve experienced. That’s the place that can be your reality. It’s no “utopia,” and it starts with you finding new interests and people, and having new goals in life, etc. No, you didn’t sign up to “start over.” None of us did. Accept that what happened to you was beyond terrible and move forward. That’s how you will find your “Meh.”
There’s a book called “When Bad Things Happen to Good People” written by a Rabbi who experienced the untimely death of his young son. He’s gone on in life to help others who have experienced a similar loss and it’s become his life’s work. To hear him speak though, he would undo all the help he’s given others just to have his child back for a moment. So the “growth” spoken of here isn’t an, “Oh gee, I’m so glad that happened” kind of thing. But it’s taking things for what they are, acknowledging they suck, and moving forward in a positive way for yourself–and your kids.
What’s the alternative? Letting the people who fucked you over define the lives of you and your children? Fuck that. You control your life. Don’t give them any more energy. They don’t deserve it, and you deserve far better.
All of this was said with the utmost respect. We all have a story and know the place you’re in. But seriously, fuck those people. You’re better than that. Go be mighty.
Great post, Whoa. I hope yeahright sees it. To Yeahright – just remember the saying: “None of us is getting out alive”. EVERYONE walking the planet goes through shit, at least at some point. None of know what’s up ahead. Don’t let your Cheater rob you of more time in the future. Trust that it’s not instantaneous from D-Day to freedom and the road to meh. But never forget, “Just because it’s a long voyage, it doesn’t mean you’re on it forever” (quote attributed to Neal Shusterman).
The Narcissist in my life pretended to be a wounded bird to each and every woman he picked up. Facing the pain, taking medication, and going to therapy are positive steps in the aftermath of being tied to a serial cheater I threw out xnd divorced. The pain is finite as CL states. I chose to put my energy into healing and found guidance and support here. I am a survior because I fought like hell to save myself from the wreckage. I left the wounded bird behind and Meh is about soaring like an eagle far above it as a survivor. My town has eagles soaring,
yearight-
I’m so sorry for your obvious pain. I am not yet divorced and my stbx is putting me through hell right now. It sucks a lot of days, but it is getting better – as I look toward a ‘better life’ in “Meh Town.”
I so hope you have people to talk to and will listen to you. I have 3 friends who call/text me daily and just listen to me. They listen to me talk about the same thing. I am forever grateful I have them for a support system. I am teared up reading your post because I know the pain, the anger, the bitterness and it SUCKS!
Please seek out therapy or anybody who will listen to you. We will listen to you. We all know it hurts.
You guys are all very compassionate. I lost my compassion at the point where YR got condescending and telling us we’re all narcissists or on meds or Utopian. Anyone who reads this site for long knows it takes a lot for me to red flag and ban someone, but I hit the eject button on YR. Angry, vitriol, hurt, raging — it’s all understandable. You turn that shit on your fellow chumps? You’re OUT of here.
God, Tracy. Reading your response made me feel so much better because I was ready to rage on YR – that was just some nasty stuff right there. I’ve come here and felt jealous of those who have re-built and are happily in a new and better relationship, but not once did I think that it was because they were narcissists themselves, over-medicated or otherwise “unworthy” of reaching that point. That letter was mean as hell to CN. Good riddance.
I can attest how CL takes a protective stance when someone comes here and bashes. My sister in law came on this site and spewed nastiness naming me…. I never saw it, but CL did, deleted it, blocked her and notified me.
I’ve been bashed by family, former friends…. I don’t interact with them…but they have sought me out and have tried to humiliate me. I’ve been hurt enough. I don’t need more salt in the wounds.
Maybe yea right is too new to the situation and didn’t mean to insult….idk…
Got to love Tracy! This is one of the few places that calls it like it is. This and George Simon. The rest is just non-sense and a waste of time.
I do love the compassion shown by my fellow chumps toward Yeah Right. So many lovely people on here.
At the same time, I also love the protective mama bird reflex of Chump Lady, shielding her wing over her little nestlings (us Chumps).
I think you’re right to be annoyed, CL. You can see things from a different perspective to most of us, as you’re already settled in Meh Town.
I read YR’s words when I was feeling very low and vulnerable – after a counselling session that left me more depressed and upset than I was when I arrived. So I got home and read YR’s words that we’re all wounded birds, and wounded souls who will never recover from PTSD. And yes, I identified with that in my low moment, probably plunging me further. Pretty dangerous.
So thank you for CL’s and everyone else’s wise and witty words instead, which helped me to redress my woe.
Meh Town does exist. We’ll all get there. We’re not victims. We’re mighty!!
Off the Crazy Train–Northern Lights gave me this concept when I was where you are (about a year ago)–kintsugi: http://www.thisiscolossal.com/2014/05/kintsugi-the-art-of-broken-pieces/
Sometimes broken (wounded) pottery becomes more beautiful than it used to be.
Tempest- thank you. I love this!
The funny thing is, I used the repair of a broken vase metaphor with ShiTBoX (STBX) when he was struggling with our relationship – before I found out the reason- he was having an affair. So this has even more meaning to me.
The broken vase that needs attention and to become beautiful once again isn’t our relationship anymore; it’s me. I love it, thank you.
Agree with happily ever after, YR needs us. FWIW, the day my wife found out she got chumped by her X was at the Dr’s office… When the test for STDs was positive. She knew she didn’t sleep with anyone else. Luckily the one she got from the cheater was easily curable. Thinking I was lucky with my cheater.
I lost my compassion at “I never really loved the man.” And yet she’s the one accusing others of shallow emotions and narcissism?
You know, I never even noticed that, but that’s pretty bad. I wonder if we as chumps in general have a tendency to focus on the emotion of a message rather than on the content, which trips us up when the context is where the truth lies. I definitely focused on her pain rather than *what* she was saying, which reveals soooooo much about why I stayed with jackass as long as I did.
I lost sympathy when yeahright said if you can get past, you are a narcissist yourself, and can’t really love, then followed it up with: “I don’t give a damn about my ex, really. Having children with him was the biggest mistake of my life, as I’ve never really loved the man. ” I mean, really? Too much dichotomy in that post.
I picked up on that too. And I totally agree with you datamwuf, completely contradictory and self incriminating.
By the way, I neither medicated, self-medicated, or a narcissist and I’m doing really well on my road to meh.
Seems to me yea right really needs us. Hope she will come back under a different name. She did peface her comment saying “seems” and in “her opinion “. Hope she finds peace.
“No ones life has changed much but mine”.
We control the changes WE make. Trauma bonding with an abuser in my case took years to recognize. Facing that is the most painful aspect of recovery. Medication? Check! It’s what I need to make it through each and every day. Therapy? Check. I earned it! I never want to repeat the pattern again. I’ve learned to take care of myself and to stop figuring out the disordered. It’s not my job to fix anyone. I’m finding my identity after being disrespected and abused. Reproducing with a fucktard? Check. I will never regret having my three beautiful children and granddaughter. They are the light in my life. Meh. Check. Talk about the disillusion of thinking you were in a relationship! I lived an illusion for 41 years. Meh is a place I will get to some day. And I won’t have to step on anyone to get there. I will reach out my hand and heart to fellow chumps along the way. I will aporeciate everyone’s support along the journey. I will applaud the mightiness and strength of the survivors who have reached Meh.
Everyone’s life changed here. We struggle with the discard, the decision to move on with our lives,the will to go on, losing our homes, fighting for our children’s well being, and our financial futures. I’m adding a butterfly garden with humming birds to my town. There is beauty and hope looking forward.
I too will hold open arms to fellow chumps. No one but other chumps know the feeling (except in asswipes whores case, she was chumped three times and did it to others, how charming of her to inflict the pain) and pass along this site and my friendship and understanding. After I move I would like to start a chumped group where we could meet and help each other heal.
Kar Marie
There is no reaching out for the home wrecker whores. For them a tatoo (SLUNT) across the forehead and then a boulder dropping from the skies of Mehville.
If you move to the New England area I will come. I will host a chump meetup at my home too,
Dear CL
Your excercise of Meh Town is inspired. Sorry you had to eject YR.
It’s fun to imagine things which is what we all did as children …in innocence. Back to that innocence where the wineries are beautiful, the spas are luscious, friends are welcoming and loving, and the pies are all yummy.
YR is in my prayers, as are you all!
Yes, I’ve been hearing the word “vitriol” a lot lately, and it really toasts my weinie. We are not the source of the evil, the cheaters are.
I am vitriolic, and proud of it. Bitter, too. Both are a badge of honor for setting boundaries with an emotionally abusive cheater, and knowing that I deserved much better than I got.
When I first started coming here after D day, I had similar feelings. “Who the hell are these people who think all cheaters are jerks and think that infidelity is something you can just skip to the other side of?” So I played the rigged reconciliation game for a while, then when his actions didn’t match up with his words I started creeping back over here and read every post until I realized “Heck YEAH, they are right!” And then I felt internally miffed that people would suggest things like I’m better off, I was choosing to be stuck, and jokey stuff that felt flippant at the time but was actually my community carrying me along with them on the tide of recovery.
In the immediate aftermath, you’re NOT better off, and it’s ok to choose to stand righteously in your anger, and it’s ok to not connect with the lighthearted stuff because your heart is too heavy. But you have to SEE what’s on the other side if it’s going to be of any use to you.
Today I’m unpacking at my new place in Meh Town. The neighbors are awesome. We’ll hold your place for you, and in the meantime we’ll help you slog through the miserable, gut-wrenching, transformational admissions process.
Much love to you. You deserve it!
Here here. I didn’t get it at first either. Tried the reconciliation thing, and kept thinking that this site is just filled with people that don’t love their spouses the way I do, or they didn’t have that special connection. They are all moving on with their lives because they are not willing to work on their marriage. What I didn’t understand that it was’t a marriage to begin with and now that my eyes are open I have an opportunity to step out and find truth. And the closer to truth I get the closer to MEH Town. Oh this is a very pretty place!!! Thank you all of you for helping me to your Meh town, I LOVE IT HERE!!!!!!
I was exactly the same way when I first found this site in the midst of my attempted wreckoncilation. Who the hell are these people that can make jokes about the hell I am living?!?!! How can I be better off and “gain a life” when I felt like mine was ending rapidly and there was nothing I could do to stop it! I am one to find humor in all situations but damn it this was not funny to me… until it was! Until one day I gave up my daily ranting and raving about how unfair it all is on my First Wives World blog and came on here and read about Marriage Police and the T.I.R.E.D. syndrome and damn it that was funny! That shit was really funny! I am not to Meh yet, as I frequently want to set the weak man child Narc Ex and his OW Howorker college student girlfriend on fire … but I am getting there. Tuesday is on it’s way and until them I can still laugh at the ridiculous of their twu wuv and feel joyous of the life I did GAIN by giving up the life I thought I always wanted with the man that never existed!
Best of luck to you!
I noticed today on another blog for spouses who were cheated on that the blogger counseled a new reconciling chump that “the first two years are the worst.”
EGADS, I’m 15 months out and *happy.* Two+ years of misery to win back a pathological liar? No thanks.
Now I get why the asshole always told his whores he wasn’t happy for two years. That was the passing of the love bombing, and devaluing stages if Reconcilliation Now it makes complete sense. Hope you provided them with this data.
Its because the shine of a new relationship tends to fade within 18 months to 2 years. Thats why their shit implodes within a max of 3 years, for the most part. No more sparkle!
Oh and my MehVille will have a Winery with beautiful views of the water and the wine glasses will be the size of my head! 🙂
As long as we’re dreaming, I’m going to say that in Meh Town, calories are converted to currency at a rate inversely proportionate to a food’s nutritional value. So chug down that eggnog latte and tray of Christmas fudge because you’re going to need to afford a slice at “Pie, Bitches.” (Which, conviently, will earn you enough money for tomorrow’s double cream brie.)
I live at a version of your Mehville.
Beautiful lakes and wineries galore.
Of course, we sail to them 🙂
It did take me a couple of years to open my eyes to the part of the country my X had moved me too.
His self described hell is my paradise in the summer months.
And did I mention – WINE ?
I resonate with your pain YR. I know how you feel. I truly believe sometimes that I’m forever damaged for the destruction that’s been done to me. I have also said many times that having a child with my X was the biggest mistake of my life because loving and caring for my daughter with severe special needs is very painful.
But I refuse to give up on MEH. I cannot go in the opposite direction of “meh town.” Turn the car around, YR. You’re heading in the opposite direction. Toward “no hope town.” I’ve been there it’s a shitty place to be. I do believe you’ll get over it. Even if you don’t.
FYI, waiting to go before the judge to fight for proper child support. Dreaming of vacation time in “meh town.”
Yeahright, I could have written your letter 5 years ago. I thought I would never get over the betrayal. I was angry, confused, sad, lost and well, a total fucking wreck. I had invested so much in my long term marriage and for what? To have some slut blow it all apart. But you know what? I survived and, in the sheer act of survival, I learned that I am stronger than I ever thought possible. Lots and lots of water under the bridge and I did receive some some measure of cosmic justice…OW lost her job, house and marriage. But cosmic justice or no, I found in myself a resilient woman who learned to put her needs and wants, if not first, at least on par with everyone else’s needs.
Yesterday, I was talking to a dear friend who lost his 23 year old son recently and tragically. I told him what I am telling you. The pain will always be there, but there will come a day when it will be accompanied by memories, good memories, valid memories, important memories. For a long time, being happy will be viewed as a betrayal and then, it won’t. The hole will always be there, but you will begin to fill it with things that matter. Does it happen quickly? Hell no, nor should it. But it will come in its time.
When I arrived home, my youngest daughter learned she had been accepted to the university of her dreams. Five years ago, she was a frightened little girl, whose entire way of life was overturned. She and I cried for weeks. and I worried about the long term impact of what she had been put through. Yesterday, we cried for joy. Then, she looked at me and said how said it made her sad that her dad wasn’t there to share our excitement. She decided to call him, not for him, but for her. Then, we ate Chinese take out and talked about how we’ll all be eating beans and rice for the next 4 years. as I will be carrying that financial responsibility alone.
Life does not come wrapped in brightly colored packages, people you love are not always kind. But…love does prevail, eventually. There are good people in this world. Find them, love them, and most of all, love yourself. The road to meh is not without its bumps, but it is there if you look for it. I’ll be rooting for you, as will everyone in CN.
As for Meh town, it has to have a beautiful body of water (without any high rise condos blocking the view), a garden shop, a bookstore and of course, a local farmer’s market where we can buy local produce and flowers. And there will be a quaint town square with kids and pets chasing each other while former chumps marvel at the wonder of being alive.
vIolet, I am so happy for you and your daughter. your story made me cry!!!!! shine on!!!!
I picture beautiful sunsets and sunrises in MehTown….. A lot like we enjoy in Colorado! I imagine waving to all my fellow chump neighbors and friends. The word authentic strikes a cord of what MehTown is about. I could move today.
Violet, that is super news for your daughter! A dream to come true is a heartfelt emotion. Thanks for sharing it with CN.
violet, thank you for this wonderful post… “valid memories” yes, I see this as part of my fight. I was in a relationship with a con artist but *I* was personally vested and present, and honest and loving and giving, so my memories are valid. He cannot take that away from me. Hurray for your daughter, and hooray for you – you are a genuine honest parent.
Muse you hit on something that I hold onto. I was there, in truth, keeping up my end of the bargain even though ex wasn’t. I have nothing to be ashamed of. He never said word one about be unhappy or looking for someone. All done on the down low. Liar. So I think when that fact finally sunk in, I thought I am fine. I can’t be accountable for what I didn’t know about. Not a mind reader.
So I kicked him to curb emotionally alot sooner when I realized I did nothing.
The stores will be named Indifference and Not Just Afterthoughts in my Mehville.
Love it! We’ll also need plenty of farm roads and hiking trails for runner Chumps to keep our physical and mental lives on track. AND, I’d love to see us have a beautiful horse riding/therapy ranch. Open 24/7 that those Chumps who want to can volunteer to take turns to work the ranch and keep it up. Just another way to give and get love from giant, beautiful animals who are also intelligent enough (like Chumps) not to take BS from mean and bad people, and who give love and loyalty right back. You don’t have to say a word to them, and they just know. Plus, it’s their meekness (strength and power under control for the master) that is so energizing and that demands respect and peace from their rider and care provider.
yearright – you’ll hopefully get to the point where you realize that yeah, these whores blew up your family, but their selfishness got you and your children AWAY from their disordered bullshit, and depending on how you respond to it all, you should come away with your integrity intact, and a cheater/liar/douchebag-free future! What does that whore’s husband “get” to keep? A known lying, cheating, scheming whore of a “wife.” You honestly think he’s happy, and treating her with love and respect? Haha! Hellz no! Yes, Chumps have to work and walk THROUGH hell for a time, but you have to keep going, and come out the other end either stronger, or stuck. Don’t give those whores any power. My perspective on the whole thing didn’t change for about 9-10 months after DDay, but I took back my power through physical and personal accomplishments, re-discovered the path I’d like my life to take, and disciplined my own willingness to move THROUGH, despite having setbacks mentally and spiritually, but that’s normal. Don’t stay stuck. For your own sake, and that of your kids.
I’ve said it a few times before on this site: 7 billion people on this planet. DO NOT tie your worth, value, and confidence to one single f-tard who doesn’t know how to love. Oh, what? You had time and memories invested? So did all of us Chumps. I had 23 years invested, 2 kids, 1 grandchild, and none of them know him or want to be around him. But memories aren’t worth your future being miserable with a cheater.
So…let’s say he walks back through your door. There – does that make you feel better? No, because you can never go back to being ignorant of who he really is, but is that it? Is that what you want? To be ignorant of his betrayal – even if it’s just that hour before bomb drop? Well, you can’t, and if you got your family back together, you’d now live in constant fear that he’s doing it again, and again, and again? (Because he will, BTW…)
Get the help you need physically, spiritually, and mentally/emotionallly to move through this, and become the mighty woman and parent that you were meant to be all along. Now you just don’t have an enormous douchebag weighing you down. Get healthy for yourself and so your kids can see what sane and mighty looks and acts like, and go claim the life (and yeah, maybe even the love) that you deserve when and if YOU decide you’re ready. That’s the new and exciting beauty of our situations: WE get to make better decisions about what and whom we allow into our lives, when we want it. Good luck, chick.
And donkeys. You know I adore donkeys. And I have a farm so I know about caring for horses and other farm animals.
I’ll volunteer at the horse farm KFMM, but you will have to teach me how to care for such lovely animals!
Oh! And violet – MASSIVE CONGRATS on your daughter’s amazing news!! SO happy to hear when great things work out for good people. =D (((hugs!!)))
Yeah right, it may look OK from the outside for the whore and her husband, but no marriage where one person has been out fucking around can EVER BE RIGHT again. That shit cannot be unseen. That lie can’t be untold. That whore can’t be unfucked. That guy’s wife is s liar and a whore and he knows it. It’s all a sham.
Agreed Anita. My marriage looked great to those on the outside of it – till the truth was uncovered.
My marriage made him look good. It was all about image control. I have set firm boundaries and will never socialize with him again. Sad sausage will never use me for kibbles or supply again.
Yeah right, I get your anger over the the OW getting to keep her cozy life after blowing up yours. In my case the OW did the same, as far as I know. And, certainly it sucks. It is most definitely not fair. But there is not one thing I can do about it.
What I refuse to do is let the actions of two profoundly narcissistic selfish people poison the rest of my life. As Sephage said, I refuse to be a victim, I am a survivor. Yes I do live with a certain amount of CPSD which I am in therapy for, and it is getting better.
What I finally had to do is decide to live in today, to be present now. I do my best to be as joyful as I can, to notice and give thanks to Spirit for all the blessings I have in my life this very moment. Cheater ex wanted to totally destroy me. He didn’t succeed. He won’t ever succeed. I am stronger than he ever was, just as you are stronger than your abuser. You got away. You survived. And now you have the opportunity to build a good life with your children.
Yes, my abuser damaged me, but I didn’t have to stay that way. Neither do you. As you heal, things will start looking brighter, I promise you. Hang in there, Girlfriend.
Excellent advice, as usual, Tessie. I continue to admire your strength and compassion.
“. . . we are wounded souls who will forever live with PTSD. Those who claim the opposite, are either medicated to the point of apathy, or self-medicate, or are themselves on the narcissistic spectrum, therefore, were never invested emotionally to begin with.”
I’ve survived the worst and am firmly at Meh. But let me tell you something . . . it took awhile to get there. I’m healed, and I’m not a narcissist and I’m not medicated either. I survived because worked at it, and I’m not going to spend more of my precious life hating my X and his new wife. I have no fucks to give. My life is mine and I choose to be happy. You should too.
I’ve been divorced almost two years. I had a great therapist (and the meds) and made a lot of changes in my life after his exit. Also, I’m lucky in that I did not spawn with my cheater, so when it was over I didn’t have to deal with seeing his mug ever again. That helped too.
I don’t entertain thoughts of what happened anymore. I sort of forced myself to move forward and to think about right NOW and what I wanted in the future. That was hard at first, but it helped me get my brain right. I tried to concentrate on myself and not on what happened.
^^^^ what Rumblekitty said. I agree, I’m neither medicated (though I don’t doubt it has helped some through the PTSD) nor a Narc (never in my life have I been that, I am a chump through and through); I am a survivor. I have always been a fighter. Is this a fight I wanted? Abso fucking lutely NOT. But this is what happened and I am powering through it. You only live once.
As an aside, I was thoroughly medicated in the beginning. I highly recommend it. Once the clouds started to part, I didn’t need Ambian to sleep or Zanax to get through the day. I figure fuck it, take the help if you need it. There is no shame in that. Yay!
Yeah Right
I know you are in a dark place. We all are or were.
In Susan Anderson’s book, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, she talks about this very thing – visualizing a dream house. Down to the linens and who you would invite over to entertain. It’s an elaborate excercise to help you identify what you really want.
I think we would all like to live in the Mehville envisioned here. Not all of it is possible. But the important goals you set for yourself are. Don’t be that victim. Hold your head up. I urge you to read Susan’s book.
May you find peace and healing.
Yes, chumpfor21, that is what this Mehville exercise reminded me of but I couldn’t put my finger on it! For some reason it is so very therapeutic!
It’s your choice to Never Get Over It. But this is a site for people who DO get over it and gain lives, or are wrecked right now and aspire TO get over it.
If you want to choose to give all your mental energy to cheaters and make that idiot the last person you ever invest in, that’s entirely up to you.
I’m trying to do a light-hearted post with the goal of imagining a happier future and throw in some snark.
I get that you’re hurting, but really? You want to shit all over this post and tell us we’re “Utopian”? Please, find another site to take your condescension and self pity to.
i don’t look at MEH as getting over anything. It is just a better place than I was in with my cheating ex and his lies. I haven’t made it there yet. sigh…. maybe next tuesday
Magic rain, I am right there with you for next Tuesday. I will get there since these days I feel happier then the previous. I already have blue christmas lights up and NOT ONE single ornamate from the past 24 years. It’s the most beautiful Christmas Tree EVER!!!! New traditions!!! New life!!!
Last night I sat with by new wife, my exwife, her husband and my (ex step daughter) at my 11 year old son’s band concert. I found a balance, and I look at life through a new set of eyes. We were all there to support my young son. We were all civil and we negotiate the holidays with his interest at heart. Life is not perfect, but, this is what meh looks like.
Seems healthy. I know my ex-wife isn’t going to suddenly disappear. We have a child together. Fortunately, she’s nearly an adult now so our interactions are near zero. But she’ll be at events such as her graduations and wedding, etc.
I just don’t care about her. If she’s there, fine. If not, that’s ok to. I’m not going to devote much energy either way. She wanted me out of her life and wanted to insert the man who was old enough to be her father.
It would have been disrespectful for me to tell her otherwise. If she wasn’t smart enough to use her words when she was unhappy, then I don’t need her.
I sometimes feel bad for my daughter when I see her model ex-wife’s behaviors. But she has the contrast and I’d like to think that she’s picking up more good from me as she spends the majority of her time in my home now that she has the choice.
If it wasn’t good with me, being strict and such, then why is she choosing to be around me? I think children know that structure and character are good things.
I hear her talk to her mom and it’s more like her mom is her big sister than a mom. Seems it would be hard to parent from that point.
I’m the one she calls when there is trouble, not mom. I’m the one who drove her to her first job interview because she was nervous. I’m the one who opened her first bank account and taught her how to balance it. I’m the one who teaches her about how to take care of a home and car and how to bake a killer lasagna, with home made sauce, and so forth.
I don’t really have time to devote to my ex-wife. I’m too busy with raising a strong, independent woman and too busy trying to be a great husband to my wife. I really don’t have time to be hung up or concerned about what my ex is or isn’t doing. I notice it, but it’s not like it’s an obsession. It’s kinda like how you notice a funny billboard on the highway. You may chuckle, but then you are down the road towards your ultimate destination.
Sounds as if you and OrlandoMB are both on the same page, Uni.
I think the town of Meh allows for our exes to pass through the town, but the magic within the town prevents them from sticking around or bringing attention to themselves.
You ROCK Uni and sounds like, thanks to your thoughtful intelligent care, your daughter will too!!!!
Wow. I don’t really want to see my ex wife ever again, in NC forever since SHTF. Then again, luckily I did not breed with her. Happy memories? I erased all memory of X from my brain and do not remember anything from my marriage to the cheater. Not one to be civil with her if she ever tried to contact me either. A whore is a whore.
You know, I kind of feel like whores get an unfair rap round here. Better an honest whore than a lying cheater!
I kind of feel that way too. The professional sex workers vs the opportunistic hoes/douchebags. It’s a weird rationalization but I understand having to earn money to feed yourself and/or your kids vs people who fuck for sport regardless of its implications on their primary relationships.
I’m with you, Chumpman. I’m done with my serial cheating ex-wife and have no desire to socialize with such a person under any circumstances.
Meh isn’t being friends. Meh is being indifferent and removed from contact.
oh wow, voluntarily sitting next to your ex whore? No, thanks. That;s sheer masochism,
Before I found CL/CN, someone I met summarized it thusly: “the opposite of love isn’t hate, it’s indifference.” I aspire to that. Sure there are still times where the sadness and disappointment hits me. But yes, Meh means identifying as a survivor, not a victim. Indifference is the goal.
I’ve always liked that statement, and I always thought if it when my ex was treating me with utter indifference for 12 years.
I am in Meh, remarried with a wonderful son from my second wife. The first one cheated, so I divorced her. I could not give less of a fuck what
the Ex is up to now, Divorce was 15 y ago, and I am remarried for 12, with a beautiful 10yo son. Yet I still do have PTSD, which is why I am on this site. The innocent trust I used to have is broken, I feel like I don’t believe in happily ever after, and I must create it for my wife, also a chump, who deserves nothing less. I feel my wife is not getting the trust she deserves to have because of the whore I divorced.
Precious Chumpman,
Some things that I did to heal my PTSD:
Acupuncture / Bio-feedback (or Neuro-feedback) / Feeding my spiritual side / Staying away from pharmaceuticals / eating better (not always, though…Love pizza & beer!) / using natural supplements / aromatherapy.
Not all at once, though! Too expensive & hey, I gotta go to work!
But, the first thing I really did was shift my metal patterns & then was treated by a Master Acupuncturist. The next big helpful step was the Bio-feedback. I have always stayed away from pharmaceuticals, so no change or expense there. I also availed myself of the excellent resources that can be found on-line.
My personal explanation: The body is energy. When one under goes trauma, the ‘negative’ energy pools & / or becomes stagnant & needs to be released or redirected. No one can overcome PTSD on their own. You do need help, even though you have so much good in your life now.
Even though I am still married to cheater & did reproduce with him, I no longer deal with PTSD. I mention this as PTSD is not necessarily ‘fixed’ or relieved just because the cause is long gone. Nor does it remain just because the situation that caused it is not fully resolved.
Hang tough, Chumpman! There is indeed a (natural) way to rid yourself of PTSD!
Forge on, Nation….ForgeOn!
Forgeon, I am still married to cheater too, and accupuncture really helped my ptsd too! I also run MILES, and take some calming herbs (adaptogens). I have reached a really good state of Meh, and have made strong boundaries, that no one will ever cross again. I am in a peaceful place, where I am trying to be receptive to his seemingly genuine remorse, but I know I will leave the marriage, at any point that suits me, If I need too.
Hey Pauline! Stay natural!
My acupuncturist agreed with me when I said that ALL his patients should be treated for PTSD first & then all their other ailments treated next. PTSD is a hurdle that prevents many from ever getting well.
I, too, have used different herbs. I have rotated different supplements & therapies over the years. All have played a part in keeping me (sorta!) healthy & sane all thru this insane crap!
Just to be clear—–I am married, but not together. He blew that up big time! No remorse on his part what so ever! I just can not afford a divorce & he doesn’t give a flyin’ flip! He has always lived as a single guy, so why bother paying to make it legal?! He knows the law would order him to pay me at least a little something (after 35 yrs!) & that is something he wants to avoid at all cost.
Hang tough & ForgeOn!
A couple of thoughts on that:
– Don’t let exterior appearances fool you; fucked-up is fucked-up, and most cheaters are fucked-up. Their lives will almost certainly never really have true balance and harmony, no matter what fabrication they project outwardly.
– Your happiness isn’t at all contingent on the state of an abuser’s life.
– Real fulfillment doesn’t comes from living life for yourself, as almost all cheaters/APs do; it comes from upping the value of the world in general while you’re in it.
– You don’t have to “get over” abuse; you “just” (easy to write, difficult to execute) have to let it not totally define your future. I.e., you’re not a victim, you’re a survivor who is FUCKING MIGHTY!
Not a victim. Always a survivor. Shit happens. This is NOT the shit I ever thought would happen in my life. So …. Now it’s up to me to make a choices on HOW I will deal with the shit that has happened. I think I’m a bad ass bitch from hell, a warrior not a victim.
It sucks, though. No doubt about that. I hear you, yeahright.
Nicely said sephage.
I’m going with George Herberts’ “Living well is the best revenge”
Awesome sephage!!! Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it. Take that righteous anger and use it to propel you towards a better future. There are no pity pots in Meh-town. Only badass chumps!!
I think there are points where life is 90% what is happening to us and, at best, 10% of how we respond to it. With time, we can reverse those percentages, but even the “best” attitude is not of much help when things are really rough. It sounds like yeahright is in one of those spots.
And no one is in the same spot forever. Yeahright, it’s been nearly four years since Dday for me, and at times I have gone (and still can go) where you’re thinking right now. Fight it, for yourself and your kids — realize you still have worth. I hear you and I would get irritated too when the hope or thought of a better future would sound like ‘pie in the sky’ utopian bullshit, but what’s the alternative? Sinking into a sea of bitter hopelessness.? I don’t know how long it’s been for you or how long you’ve been on this site, but stick with everyone here, and realize that we’re all in different places after having been through the same crappy shit. People here have inspired me to get up and move forward, even if it was just a small step each day. Sending you (((hugs))).
“Don’t Tread On Me” waves high over my town. And it is well-known that any further attacks on this town will get the “Shock and Awe” treatment. We may be welcoming and nice but the people of “Meh” Town are no pushovers. To mistake kindness for softness would be a horrible mistake.
Ironically, I was thinking about border control issues for Meh Town but really did NOT want to be associated with that bigoted, misogynist jerk, Donald Trump. Guess too late, huh?!
Keeping out cheaters the same way you keep out terrorists is not a bad thing, by the way.
Cheaters are a form of terrorist, after all.
Haha, I might tease you by calling you The Donald for a day or two, but not to worry, it’s not a permanent label.
I don’t want to be Meh-town’s version of The Donald, but I would favor Meh-town having “a big, beautiful wall” to keep out all the cheaters, their sympathizers, and all the Switzerland friends and family.
Can we, maybe, I don’t know…hurl a stink bomb at Switzerland every know and then and run away giggling?
I opt for an intelligent electric fence that lets chumps roam in and out of the borders, but zaps cheaters into pieces of carbon.
I think that they can pass through, but never “stick,” For me, “Meh” involves the ability to be in the same room as my cheater without noticing he’s there, or, if I did, not to care a tinker’s dam one way or the other.
Frankly, I think he’d be the one who’d slink out the back door, though if he were with Schmoopie, she’d cause drama, since that is who she is. Whatever. Not my problem.
Trump is a fascist. DM is a caring, decent man with boundaries. There’s no joke or parallel here.
My ‘Meh” town is green, forested and beautiful. One side has a beautiful – think Big Island of Hawaii beach, another a ski resort, and another an huge organic farm to pick fresh fruit and veggies.
There are narc detectors at every entrance that any visitors must pass through. If a narc tries to enter, they are immediately, tased and dragged off by the gorgeous/beautiful Narc police to Greenland, cold, empty with no cell phone signals.
The little quaint downtown looks like Downtown Disney. Every Chump has a Chump card that gives them unlimited spending with no payment required. In MehTown, everyone knows the Chumps have paid their dues. Life has been made easy for their pain. there are counselors who are supportive, free and always available. the mail is controlled by the chumps desires. NC is strictly enforced with screened mail, wi-fi and a huge force field. A lawyer and judge is assigned to their cases for immediate resolution of all issues. Child rearing is at the Chump’s discretion. No fair play. If you lied, you are immediately designed a rotten parent. Kids are counseled too to minimize the hurt.
there are lots of events for Chumps to recover. Everything must have a rated fun quotient from 1-10. Chumps must have fun everyday. Its the law.
Massages, Hikes, Bike rides and retail therapy are Rx all covered by insurance. Home and car repairs are all done free as is normal maintenance.
Dating is optional but all candidates are psychological evaluated before being admitted into Chump Town for possible contact.
the Goal of Meh Town is to provide all chumps with healing, worry free.
Whats wrong with Greenland?
At least without phone signals you don’t have to worry about fuckwits constantly glued to their phones and texting 3 million times a day. Plus, the scenery is beautiful.
my favorite -> In MehTown, everyone knows the Chumps have paid their dues. Life has been made easy for their pain.
I’m dreaming of MehTown!
Oh yes…Meh Town…what an awesome sounding place! I finally made it there myself and it was on a Tuesday just like today! I honestly never thought I’d make it here. I spent years mourning an asshole cheater who thought it was okay to fuck on me with another woman and then walk out the door after I had done NOTHING to bring that shit on.
Today they are still together but NOT married. I guess she isn’t quite as stupid as I thought. Didn’t want to marry a six times divorced cheater? Ha! Maybe I’m not completely at Meh because I’d super cheer that Karma bus rolling over both of their heads some day.
Me? I’m planning my wedding coming up this summer to a real man who was a former chump himself. Sometimes I worry about trust issues because of what cheaterpants did to me but I have to take that leap of faith. I can’t believe how lucky I am to have found my new love and we’re old! He’s super fit and gorgeous and our sex life is the best I’ve ever had. I’ll be 61 on my next birthday so Chump Nation, it can happen!
Let me see . . . gorgeous, super fit, best sex life ever had . . . hmmmm . . . do I want that?????? . . uhhhhh yeah!! And I’m older than you!
This post ~~ this gives real hope. Congratulations, Syringa. You seriously rock!
Syringa, congrats to you and your soon-to-be husband! Glad you shared the good news.
“Massages, Hikes, Bike rides and retail therapy are Rx all covered by insurance. Home and car repairs are all done free as is normal maintenance.”
I’m on my way!
Haha, wonderful !!! Except “looks like Downtown Disney”, frankly it is better to be a real Middle-Age old town center.
Besides, Meh Town is authentic. Houses of the Middle Age, not coloured cardboard.
In Meh Town, men and women spend time together whenever they please, because they really want to, not because of obligation. Sincerity reigns and no one ever gets hurt because no one ever owns anyone.
At Christmas time, they set up all the little decorations, they lay on a couch with their family as long as they want. Or they do not change their environment at all, buy no gifts, and choose to go out with friends. People do not feel they have to do something because that’s what people are supposed to do. They do things because they genuinely feel like doing those things.
In Meh Town, people are enjoying the sunshine, the rain, are thankful for their meals and for the presence of friends. They love animals. They do not grieve the past, they do not fear the future. They appreciate being here and now.
Burger Joint
“Five Honest Guys”
Department store
“Target Practice for Self Defense”
Home improvement:
“Narcfree Home Depot”
Oh gosh yes!!! Tossed my mattress AND sold all that bedroom furniture when I sold that stinking house he built!!! Woot!! That felt MIGHTY!!
My ex sleeps with his skank on our 20 year old + mattress. I refused most of the furniture and definitely bought a new mattress. Heavenly Beautyrest. I sleep like a baby.
Ah yes, the mattress of a hundred+ conquests I shared with Mr. Perversum when I was married to him (I moved into the house he owned, and rented mine out when we married). When I realized what kind of high-mileage bedding I was sleeping on ( I accessed his computer’s “secret file” of his “souvenir” photos he thought he had hidden soooo well), it made me so nauseous that I’m thankful I made it to the bathroom before I started retching.
I have a brand-new mattress set (covered in lovely organic cotton) on my brand-new bed in my cozy new (to me) home. And the only one who takes up real estate there along with me is my sweet post-divorce rescue dog – who snores and trashes the bedspread, but that’s okay with me. 🙂
Oh yeah…I bought a new mattress too! The Davenport!! Waited to find a man who was ‘Mattress Worthy’….like my lover/fiancee!~ woohoo
yeahright,
I acknowledge your pain and I do cop to having the blessing of full no contact. I live with PTSD, but I don’t live in PTSD. But recovery and meh is 100% possible. If you call a few milligrams of Lexapro that I no longer need for depression but still use for obsessive cleaning OCD heavily medicated, okay. I’ll be sure to remember not to balance my 45 year old body on one limb in yoga, ride my longboard, or get up on a ladder to string Christmas lights on the home I own free and clear by my bad mighty self.
I kind of truly like some of the post betrayal aftereffects. I would never thank the Cold Slab O’Meat for secretly impregnating his ho worker, but the deepest pain of my life forced me to fix me in ways I have been limping against my entire life. Forced me to force out what and who does not serve my greater good. Built me the kinda Douchedar that comes factory ready for most 12 year olds.
Most wounds heal. Even Stage 4 ones right on the bum, with proper wound care. I hope you stick around and see.
Speaking of which, Meh town needs a Wound Clinic!
Amen to 100% no contact (well in my case I do get the occasion stupid and meaningless breadcrumb text message from my vapid ex. Rather than block her #, I allow these to serve as inoculations or ‘booster shots’, to remind me of what an idiot she is, and I promptly deliver each one to the trash (where they belong).
Meh town should have some awesome car-free roads for us longboarders, not to mention the cyclists. Ripping down a hill at full speed with the wind in your face is some of the best chump-therapy, in my not-so-humble opinion!!
Strict policy on who gets in. If you’re a cheater who ended up getting cheated on, while you may have things in common, you don’t get the bite at the same apple. You got your karma. Meh Village/Town/Country is for those who’s ethics were intact all the way.
No parades for so called great people who make a mess out of their personal lives. You could have solved world hunger. That doesn’t give you the right to ruin a marriage, your kids future, the identity built around your facade. The only parades are for the mighty chumps who overcame and went on to kick butt.
I could go on and on…but that’s a start.
Meh Town is a beautiful place. A quaint town with old fashion charm. Everyone walks around town saying hello, parks are full of families having picnics, couples walking hand in hand, town holiday festivals…basically the Hallmark channel Christmas movies year round.
However, if you walk on the outskirts of town, you will see a high wall surrounding the town and stricter border patrols that east Germany before the wall came down. Their sole purpose is to keep out the cheaters.
It is a great town, trusting of each other because of the strict border patrol. High quality moral people in and the rest out!!!!
Sounds like you are in the throws of the rock tumbler, yeahright.
We have all been there.
Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Baby steps. The town exists. Quite a few of us are there.
In Meh town focus is on the chump, not the cheater.
Gotta be room for my cat, the one that only ever peed on Narkles the Clown’s suit cases.
(Imagine my surprise when I learned the Flying Whore also had a cat.)
God, I love that cat!!!!
Luz inspired me with her post. As I was reflecting on it I felt inspired by her optimism outlook on life. Thank you for that Luz. Previously, I felt my glass was always full despite the ups and downs.
There will be small bridges of hope everywhere leading to Meh Community Center where locals gather to dance and sing around a bonfire monthly. There will be music lessons and art classes for every child. There will be a healing pool and an organic community garden.
The people of Meh will reuse everything they want to discard under the Free Dome of Giving semi annual flea market.
Boundaries grocery store will house a farmers market. Cake will forever be banned.
“The Marriage Police were disbanded. There’s just the Boundary Enforcement squad now.” This is the BEST! And dogs. There must be dogs.
There will be rescue dog for each chump to bring into their home. A loving furry salve for the chump and their sad broken children to love, comfort and heal one another.
Not sure some things should be reused, I’m pretty sure we all have a little something we’d like to use to keep that bonfire going.
I want Mehville to be absent of all reminders of the cheaters. Leave them and the toxicity behind.
Oh, hell, it will be an eternal flame. There will always be new chumps adding to it. Meh will always have light and warmth from it, to draw in the folks who aren’t there yet.
Ooooh. Can we burn cheater leavings in the bonfire? Hasbeen left two t-shirts, the silver ring I bought him in Mexico and his Wedding Ring, inscribed “MY LOVE FOREVER” in Welsh. We barbecued them on the grill and roasted marshmallows over them. It was delicious! Hugs, Donna!
I did the burning of his pictures, hat collection in my fire pit in a private cleansing ceremony. It was awesome. 14k gold rings are going toward a singles cruise.
In Meh Town, people live quiet and honest lives. Nobody is trying to one up each other or be super extra sparkly.
People trust each other and believe in each other. In Meh Town we don’t have kibbles but instead we get actual satisfaction from the honest way we lead our lives. Self generated happiness.
I drove around meh town for the last 6 months as a perspective buyer and moved in yesterday when I put the key in the door of my new place. The last 2 yrs have been hell and I am never looking back!
In my meh town, Narcs and their flying monkeys are banished to the haunted forest where the sun never shines and they survive on large pails of spackle.
When I was handed the keys to my new place it was as if the real estate agent handed me keys to shackles that bound me….
To all the new chumps, you will get to meh, don’t under estimate yourself and NEVER let anyone else under estimate you !
That’s exactly how it felt. I was free and I have a place to lay my head that I call My Own! Good for you Little Red.
While I maintain my first dibs on running “Pie, Bitches” I would also like to open two new businesses;
– AOK’s Happy Hair Twigs kiosk
and
– PetSmarter Than My Cheater
Hoping to move in sometime around Summer after giving EMDR a try for my PTSD (Thanks for the rec Dat) and learning to be comfortable paying all the bills on my own.
YeahRight, I totally get it. The pain is all consuming. All you see is the and feel is the storm clouds and the icy rain. I remember doing little more than curling up in fetal position and crying and praying. Understand that I’m a minority member here. I’ve stayed. I think because of that, it’s taken me longer to see things clearly. It’s been almost 14 years. This site has has been the most validating place for me to heal. a new vocabulary and perspective has been opened up to me; gas lighting, blame shifting and a whole chump nation that supports that has helped me realize I was chumped. He lied. And lied and lied and lied. His explanations that I’ve demanded don’t make sense. He was trying to forge a connection with me. Taking him at his word, I grappled to make sense of this. Finally, I gave up my naive husband view, that he was being honest with me, and realized that was all part of blame shifting and gas lighting.
I know I was chumped. This is not the marriage or the life I dreamed of. My story is different in that there was no physical (at least he says so – I’ll go as far as believing it was not sexual. It was mostly via email with work hours contact). But the best thing I’ve gotten out of our marriage is 4 beautiful children. And I’ve learned to dance in the rain.
I gotta be honest here. I think this meh town — while fun — is pretty idealistic. Don’t get me wrong. I mean I love, LOVE the superstores… “Bed, Bath, and . . . Beyond Giving a Damn About That Loser”. I would add “Boundaries R Us”, lol.
But I no longer feel I need to escape to that place…because the home and lifestyle I have is my choosing. It is my meh-town.
Granted, I am in year 6 post-divorce. In the early days, I was desperately reaching for that elusive thing called closure. Coming to this site has helped me enormously. I feel that CL and the CN are the minority that really ‘get it’ . It has helped me unravel and understand what I went through and why. I can clearly see my EX as a narcissist.
Newbies, trust me. You will get there.
Moving Forward
I’m not sure there is ever closure. I’ve detatched from him and forgive myself. Is closure living better?
Woops…forgot to add – thank you Tracy! I love how to tackle the really tough stuff and also manage to keep things light!
Tracy is awesome! She has a heightened sense for BS and knows how to put the trolls and pity partiers in their place! I imagine her, in my mind, focusing in on her cheater prey and OW/OM whiners! Then she hunkers down with the grace of a cat and pounces on the vermin! She wrestles them to the ground and goes in for the kill!
Meh town sounds like a place I am just about ready to move to! I can’t wait. Just a few more miles………..! I can do it! Just gotta keep putting one foot in front of the other! Thanks Luz for such an inspirational idea! You gave us all a great Christmas gift whether you realize it or not!
I am so there! Working on my version of Mehville with some land in Coastal Maine and a tiny house, my parrots, a garden, chickens, a place to make art, peace and some spare tiny house bedroom units to sponsor Chumps in all stages. My rules will be do what you want harm none.
This plan is going to take awhile to get going, but, I am working towards it.
YR, I too have been where you are. I am sorry, I know your pain. I am not medicated anymore, there are plenty of really shitty days still, but what I get now are moments of peace and clarity. They truly feel like a miracle! The more you can let go of the bad in the old life you had, the more chance you have of a ray of sunshine slipping into your new life… Do not lose hope, with time and healing you will see those glimmers of Meh, if you really want to…
Totally need lots of room for the books! Over the last 6 months, I’ve been working on reacquiring the books Cheater made me give away “so the bookshelves could house HIS books”. It’s felt great to reacquire these treasures!!
I love those tiny houses but always wonder where the books would go. Yeah, yeah, there’s kindle, but I have to hold an actual book; I need the physicality of it. And what about my great old art books and vinyl collection? I don’t need much, but I just can’t give up those things.
Donna and Violet …………As a sister book lover, I just put a book wall into the design of my tiny house. Where I go, my books go…. well most of them….. along with my kitties, my dog and my recumbent trike…..
As for my Mehville….I would love a university with free tuition and books where we could all go to learn anything our little hearts desire.
And there would be hug booth open 24/7 for chumps who are having a tough time of it. Also an adult playground so chumps could get some good exercise and have a ball doing it.
I would also surround Mehville with an energy barrier that would automatically repel cheaters and cluster B’s so the border patrol could get lots of time off to enjoy life.
There are free classes offered by well known and loved American universities. Many are online. Just google it. ?
PF–That was simply brilliant!! Love, love, love the idea of bashing a cheater pinata. Thanks for the laugh and the smile.
I move that we cast a unanimous ballot for CL to conduct all HOA meetings: dues to be paid w/ homemade pies. Pie sales support pet kibble fund and kids’ play area. Oh dear … will there be any pies left to sell or will gluttony prevail?
Hello! Non-medicated, mighty chump here. In many ways I feel like I’m already living in Meh Town, just because every single day is so much simpler without the gaslighting, and having to take care of a (grown-ass) baby on top of the actual child. 🙂
But in my fantasy Meh Town, the water is “fluoridated” with truth serum, so that if a narc happens to get past the narc-detector at the gate, they’re physically incapable of putting up the Sad Sausage smoke screen. They go to say “I’ve made some mistakes. No one’s perfect,” and to their horror, out pops the truth: “I plotted for years. I actually hate hanging out with my kid. I do it because it makes me look like Father Of The Year. I stole a bunch of money directly out of my kid’s resources. I’ve moved cross-country several times to escape the consequences of my philandering.” etc. etc. etc.
Love the truth serum idea!!!! My ex skank boy would say ” I left a wonderful woman, attractive, intelligent, loving, caring, honesty woman who took care of my aging mother and my children for 16 years. I’m a frigging liar, cheat and self-centered dick wad, who wanted to have my cake and eat it, too. Instead I banged a barfly, cheating pig! I’m a fucking loser!” Only problem is, fucking lying male whore wouldn’t have the balls to drink it!
Love it Chumptastic! X will say it didn’t work out with my last girlfriend but instead he will say, “I discarded my wife like trash for an ugly bar whore and when my wife threw me out and filed fir a divorce I moved in with her while I was still dating Joanne and Sharion.
Meh town is sparsley populated. More trees than people, but the kids are there, with a cat, and a dog to keep her in line. Gardens, a couple of chickens, and bees. Right off the long driveway is a sweet bakery, a little general store is kindness, and a few folk hang with when the mood strikes.
Cudos CL. Yeah, this board is full of compassionate people, but my second thought was a big ‘fuck you’ to that poster. Being a chump my first was a quick ‘ is she right? Am I a narc??? Am I in denial? Am I self-medicating??’ But the no, FUCK THAT.
I’m pretty damn meh lol.
Glad you booted her.
I’m heading towards Meh town. I’m back on the path, trudging along after wandering off the path yesterday. I know someday I will see it on the horizon. It has been a tough road, but it seems to get better every year. I’ll see you all there some day. I look forward to all the great shopping, but mainly the peace.
Its in the foothills of the mountains. A place of peace and quiet. Morning coffee on the back porch as the sun rises. Or sleeping in and catching all the college football an guy could want. MEH is simple. No keeping up with the Jones….. No marriage police…. faithful dog sitting by my side waiting on a walk through the woods.
Soon my house will be sold and I can move hours from “he who wants to be best friends still and have sex” sheesh and oy! Far enough away he can’t sit in the car more than an hour. That will be meh land for me. Near some friends and loved ones. Small house big yard for my dogs. Peace, quiet, no drama, no cheater fucking bastard. I know I will never get over the love and betrayal, however I will get past it and let it go. Best way for me. The whore can have his moaning and groaning negative, whiny cheater ass. He’s alienated his family they won’t move near him and won’t have anything to do with the ho. She only wants him and have him forget his family so he can be in charge and order her family around. His family ain’t having that and now refuse to walk on eggshells around him. Me I stopped walking on eggshells long ago. So for me to be far away from him and no longer have to deal with his madness, insanity and temper tantrums, the whore will have to deal with it. That is meh land for me!
In Meh Town, I wouldn’t have to leave home at 6:30 AM tomorrow morning for a two-hour drive through hellish traffic to the downtown courthouse where my ex is demanding a modification of support — modified to zero. Adding to the insult, the ex won’t even be there….. he gets to attend by telephone call from his dad’s house 2000 miles away.
If you guys heard the craziness he wrote in his declaration to the judge you’d wet your pants laughing, but I’m not finding it funny right now. What’s even worse is the sociopathic mind fuck he pulled on me while applying for this modification. I have him blocked on my phone now, but I’ll have to sit there and listen to his crazy lies tomorrow, then pray the judge decides in my favor.
I wish I could go to Pie, Bitches afterwards, man, that would be great.
I’m so sorry, after everything he has put you through. I hope the judge sees through his shit. He’s so crazy that I can’t imagine he has much credibility. Didn’t he voluntarily quick his job to avoid making payments? That’s a big no no in most places.
The judge will see through his shit. Or laugh at his idiocy. Strength to you!
Sending you strength for tomorrow, GIO!
What a jerk…isn’t your son only a few years from graduation anyhow? And your ex wants to protest paying ANYTHING for even just a few years?!??! Sheeeesh.
That hand you feel tomorrow morning will be me giving you Jedi Hugs Gladit’sOver. Sending you all the good energies!
(((GladIt’sOver))) – Sending you good vibes! I hope the judge will not only maintain but increase your support, as well as have your ex pay for court fees, your transportation, and any other legal fees related to the support issue.
GIO – you don’t need me to tell you that man is a complete horror. Time, distance and all the freedom to ‘chase the stardom dream’ hasn’t mellowed him one jot, has it?
I line up behind Dat in a veritable conga line of CN friends sending you ‘The Force’ tomorrow.
Peace, strength and the full force of Chump Nation mightiness be with you GIO [x]
Meh Town for me is where all chumps have peace of mind from the past. I think I am getting very close to Meh where my ex husband is concerned. I need to apply the same rules to my kids now and I am there. Also, Meh Town should have an honesty policy, so we already know that many narcs will never gain access because our pickers are now highly trained. I know one or two narcs may slip through the net but we will expel them immediately. Peace and happiness to all chumps and especially our esteemed leader CL for Christmas and the New Year. Here is to a very happy 2016 for everyone. 🙂
Without ever being frisked by the TSA or loosing any luggage the Chumps of Meh Town travel the world. Sometimes residents are lying on a beautiful beach and wake up on a lofty mountain. Meh Town’s always gliding about the world with it’s special Chump detector finding the kind souls ready for peace. Meh Town’s also fully equipped with drama dialysis so those on the verge can reach the other side. Meh Town has lie detectors so advanced no assholes can cross it’s boundaries. There is always a good friend, a quiet corner and a happy pet around when you need them. The gardens we grow in Meh Town are eccentric or traditional, and everyone is as beautiful as the individuals who created them.
PS: we have holograms and transporters, I am setting up the network now!
Dat – can I have a ‘jaunt belt’ please? There was a kids programme in the 70’s called ‘The Tomorrow People’ (in the uk) and they had jaunt belts which were like transporters but just involved pressing a button on the belt and – hey presto! there you were, somewhere else! Yay! I’ve always wanted one!
I could use some Drama Dialysis….that sounds lovely. I would need an entire extra liver and kidney set to filter out all the toxic BS from my ex’s antics.
As I envision it, Meh Town would be a sweet village with an quaint, old-fashioned look. Honest businesses in stout, well-kept vintage buildings would line the streets, along with lots of healthy trees and shrubbery. It would feature a park with environmentally savvy tennis and basketball courts, baseball diamond and amphitheater. Included would be a central plaza with inviting water features for children (of all ages) to play in when the weather is warm, and plenty of benches for sitting and visiting, or just to enjoy the contentment of the community. A community with no narcs, spaths, bullies of any kind, or their flying monkey friends. We would carefully screen for that kind of behavior. Because of the zero tolerance of such disordered people, the crime rate would be next to zero. Okay, maybe a three-year-old snatching a Tootsie Roll from the store, only to be brought back to the storeowner with a parent, the pilfered candy, and a heartfelt apology – because the children of Meh Town would have healthy morals, character, self-esteem and boundaries, as taught by example from every citizen.
We would have music, and theatre – a town band, orchestra, choir and theatre troupe. They would perform in the park on lovely summer evenings, or in a gorgeous concert hall that features stunning stained-glass windows and amazing acoustics. This community would be so appealing that world-class performers would want to visit and share their talents – free of charge.
A farmers market would be held weekly, with local growers, bakers, quilters, artisans and more able to showcase their crafts and talents on a regular basis, and the community would benefit from their labors of love.
There’s much more, but in conclusion, another thing would be assured:
Pie, lots of delicious, home-made pie.
In Meh town everyone is honest, even to tell you that they don´t want to date you or hang out with you…in a non-condescending way. Residents hang out with whoever they like and likes them back. No phony friendships or pick up lines. Mehtown is very diverse and accepts people from all sorts of backgrounds, sexual tendencies, religions, etc. likes and dislikes. The only condition is that people live honest lives and carry out their dreams without hurting each other while they co-create sustainable “meh.” And the best part is that comfort food or any type of food that Mehville residents enjoy is nutritious, does not hurt the environment and does not make them sick or fat!
In Meh Town, all the children bred of fucktards leave guilt at the border. Meh Town is like their own safe house where they can visit the healthy parent with no backlash. The air is clean and bright and their steps are lively. For some reason, all pre-programmed agendas (from the fucktard) evaporate and their hearts mend. They don’t know why this happens, but like calorie-free pie – it just happens. If Meh were real estate I’d have a multi-unit condo by now – and kids could live here rent free.
Pie.
Apple, pecan, pumpkin, cherry, key lime. Pot pie. Meat pies. Peanut butter, Mississippi mud, sweet potato. Ritz & whipped cream w pecans. Pizza pie, tamale pie, Frito pie…
And if your (new) loving spouse lies, their nose grows. So you always have to stay current and talk about stuff, and no need for PTSD.
With pie. ?
Has to have water, I like the horses, and yoga as the sun comes up. With choice of high tea, a cocktail hour or coffee (with pie!) in the afternoon.
Concert venue w headliners from all eras, tea dances on Sunday (so we can get to bed early), tango and swing lessons and a once-a month disco. And occasional parades.
I’m happy just thinking about Gaga unplugged or the Stones coming through. (I need a little excitement, even over 60. With my pie.)
I happily roll out of bed in Meh Town. It’s Tuesday!!! Looking good, as usual. Too sexy for my car. Too sexy for Milan. Too sexy for my cat . . . poor pussy. I digress! I meh-ditate. I take my Meh-gnesium for my meh-gnetic personality and smile that meh-gawatt smile.
I grab my Prouda, swing it over my sexy (oops, sorry!) shoulder and head down the Chumps Elysees. Past the museum (the Meht, of course) where a meh-zo soprano is entertaining on the steps. I notice that Love Potion #9 closed and is replaced by Kryptonite For Chumps (you got it, KFC).
I grab a couple of Robert Tuesdavi wines for chump change. I thought the circus was in town but it was the Not My First Rodeo. Don’t need tickets to either. Needless to say. Picked up my car (too sexy . . . oh, never mind!). The meh-chanic put on my new plates ~~IDGAD (I Don’t Give A Damn). I do, but not about some stuff.
I stop at Meh-Karthur Park to see the dogs playing off leash and taking a break from the border patrol. They can smell cheaters from miles away. Apparently it is a more noxious odour than that of cancer. The rotties, shepherds and dobies act as if the next worst odour is of Switzerland family/so-called friends. No surprise, eh?
Am off to Pie, Bitches. CL says no calories. Who cares, really. I’m too sexy anyway. In Meh Town.
OMG I LOVE this! Let me think…hmmmm…..
Well, first of all I so want to have coffee and breakfast everyday at the Pie, Bitches Diner. (I will of course NOT gain weight when I eat all the pies that I love each day). The name of the diner will remind me of the kick-ass woman I was to survive my former life and get myself and my children to the promised land.
There is no porn on the web, at least none secretly being piped into my home while the children and I sleep. Instead, there is Downton Abbey and football on TV, oh and Big Bang Theory (I’m a geek).
There are a variety of churches and new age centers with insightful and intelligent members and pastors, which we can choose to join or visit if we want. There are many activities, groups and committees to peak a variety of interests both religious and secular. We Chumps are particularly good at introspection and self-reflection and we need to ensure we have outlets for our awesomeness talents and abilities.
The town has beautiful vistas, mountains, a lake, woods, and oddly enough also has an ocean (OK I’m getting greedy). There are hiking trails, skiing, ice skating, swimming, beaches, parks, dog parks, and great schools, as well as a small but kick-ass university.
There are libraries where we can go to read read read–either “real” books or download to our various devices.
The residents are not competitive about their appearance, weight, or amount of money anyone has. We are thankful for what we’ve got, and we know what is really valuable in life. But we do not use our utter coolness as a sword. We are just….really truly cool. 🙂
We feel perfectly whole whether we have new spouses or not. If we do get re-married, our spouses do not lie to us, in fact, he/she talks things through, shares authentically, rarely loses his/her cool, and really values us. And we do the same back. Problems are raised early and only as necessary, and they are tackled as a couple and a family. We are amazed what a little true discussion, honesty and LOVE can do.
When a couple experiences problems they feel they need help with, they see a kick-ass counselor in town. These counselors are not pathological or damaged and know just how to help us see the light, talk to each other and work it through. The spouses are also not pathological so they work things out because their foremost goal is to continue loving each other and staying together.
Our children like to spend time with us, because we are happy, safe and feel trust in the world; and of course they learn the same thing.
Goes without saying that sociopaths, narcissists, and cluster B’s are banned from this community.
P.S. Oh, and in case we ever get a little too crazy, we do NOT drink the Kool Aid. (hahahahha!)
It’s been six weeks since my D-Day – and some days are harder than others. But today is Tuesday and I’m feeling better – even looking at furniture sites and dreaming about my new home (altho right now I’m living out of a suitcase in my brother’s basement).
Part of what’s helped me today is my adult daughter asking me if I would trade my pain for STBX’s pain…mine is finite. Meh Town is ahead.
He, on the other hand, will have to live with the shame and disappointment and general fuckedupedness he’s caused for the rest of his life. He’s a sad little middle aged man with a pretty big beer gut jutting out over a tiny little penis. His teenage webcam “true love” scammed him out of all of our savings and everyone in his family knows the truth. That alone will haunt his ego.
I wouldn’t trade my pain and just knowing that makes me feel better. I’m suffering without the added burden of being a Piece of Shit.
Chump Lady and Chump Nation have saved my life. Thanks to all of you.
Roaring, I love that you are already starting to dream about your new life. Please take care of yourself in these difficult days. And yes, there is meh on the other side of this. Just keep pointing your self in that general direction, as, over time, you continue to grieve and heal and rebuild and, eventually, make your way towards Meh.
Roaring – you are mighty to feel this way being just 6 weeks out from D-Day. Totally awesome!
Depression and drinking almost killed me when I was with the snake. The emotional abuse and gaslighting is what led to medication, self-medication, and endless soul sucking pain. He couldn’t have broken me down the way he did if I wasn’t deeply invested in him and our life together. I was loyal to the point of near total self-destruction.
Ending this marriage is painful, but here’s the thing – every day that goes by is a day I am further removed from the abuse I was subjected to. I’ll always have the sad memories, but with him gone, I’m not continually creating NEW sad memories. The agony of the past can fade now that it isn’t continually being renewed. I’m off the hamster wheel.
I have a future to look forward to where my life, my decisions, my future is my own. I get to be truly, deeply, authentically me, not continually twisting myself in knots over what he expected me to be.
It may not be perfect, but I’ll take it.
I’ll be in Meh town, but I expect I’ll remain my generally quiet homebody self. So you all may not see me around all that much. If you find dog hair in your Pie, Bitches, I was probably there earlier, because at the rate I’m going, I’ll have a whole sled dog team. Some of them might even be well trained enough that I can take adventurous souls on sleigh rides in the winter. When I’m not skiing, that is.
Snakebit – The Future – YES! More quotes from Neal Shusterman ‘ s National Book Award winning novel, Challenger Deep: “For the captain, there is no history, no yesterday, no memory. ‘Live for the moment and the moment after. Never for the moment before.’ It’s a creed that defines him.”
This has been similar to my experience. I’ve stopped (without trying) most of the overeating and drinking and smoking pot that I was doing on a regular basis during my (sham) marriage – I never considered that it was self-medication!
But with the weight loss of the Infidelity Diet and the clear head from no-more-stress, I actually feel better than I have in years.
Except for the ache in my chest that feels like a shotgun blasted a hole through.
Intellectually I get it. Emotionally I’m still “in love” with him and want to “help” him recover. Each day of No Contact diminishes that longing, though.
Roaring – 6 weeks is no time. My heart goes out to you. The shotgun blasted chest? Yes. I’m so glad you have found CL and CN.
Of course you are still ‘in love’ with him and want to ‘help’ him recover. That’s a good thing. You are not a narcissist. Your love is authentic. You know he’s a fraud – he is not authentic.
I remember these early days. Hell on earth. I’m so sorry for you. Please accept my cyber-hug [ x ]
So, let’s imagine Meh Town — what’s it look like? What’s your immigration policy? Are there block parties?
In my Meh Town, the Marriage Police were disbanded. There’s just the Boundary Enforcement squad now. There are beautiful dog parks for all the faithful pups, and peace and prosperity reign.
And every morning I have my coffee and carbohydrates at the successful chain “Pie, Bitches.”
At Christmas, all the homes in Meh Town are decorated with pinecone elves and blue lights (I love blue Christmas lights! Damn tradition!)
So — tell me, what’s your peaceful kingdom look like? And when are you moving there?