The Ultimate Mighty Playlist?
The Friday Challenge is to share your mighty playlist — the songs that got you through.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Three months after my beloved husband died, just a few weeks shy of our silver wedding anniversary (we had been together over 30 years), the man I knew died again when I gained access to his gmail account and discovered both the fact, and horrendous extent, of his lies, betrayal and deceit over many years … as far back as his gmail goes … so probably the entire of our life together. It has been a horrible time grieving first the loss of my husband and then the loss of my marriage.
Your podcast and website have been a godsend. Thank you.
I started putting together a playlist after he died. The first one contained mostly sad love songs, but after the second death, I have now started a new playlist.
So my question is this:
What songs would you recommend for an ultimate You’re Mighty playlist?
Some of my current favourites are Kelly Clarkson’s Stronger and Since You’ve Been Gone; Dolly Parton’s Light of a Clear Blue Morning and Diana Ross’ It’s My Turn … and of course, Gloria Gaynor I Will Survive. I have just added Shakira’s Bzrp Music Sessions, Vol 53 having read your post (fab song). I would love to hear what songs get you and fellow chumps through the bad times?
Best wishes,
Widow Chumpy
***
Dear Widow Chumpy,
I’m so sorry for your losses — your time and your reality. As for the person who stole them? Well, he’s probably sitting on a front bench in hell. It takes a certain kind of personality disorder to conceal a 30-year double life. (We’ve got an upcoming podcast with therapist and researcher Sandra Brown on this very subject — I encourage you to listen when it comes out on Dec. 19.) It takes one hell of a playlist to recover from that kind of trauma.
But thank you for giving me an opportunity to inflict my musicals tastes on Chump Nation. Don’t we all thrill to sharing music? I don’t expect everyone to feel rapture at Aretha Franklin — perhaps some of you are in comas — maybe you’re the kind of person who needs English boys choirs or heavy metal to feel whole.
I got chumped before Spotify. My iPod and various lists for every flavor of grief. Tear the motherfucker down songs. Wallow songs. Righteous anthems. Cheating songs. Of course, Gloria Gaynor was on there — and the Cake version of that song too! (You have to love a band named Cake if you’re putting together a chump playlist.)
So here are my Spotify lists of mighty chump songs:
Chump songs (in general)
The first one is a rocking gospel tune “Sinner Man Where You Gonna Run To” by the Davis Sisters — which to me, is the sound track of a D-Day. It’s a gory vengeance in your mind karma song. The moon is going to drip with blood — it’s heavy. Don’t fuck with these women.
Sad songs
I have a taste for the lugubrious (but I really cannot match Mr. CL. He never met a depressing folk song he didn’t like.) If you want to free base pure grade depression, anything from Richard Thompson fits the bill. (There are several on this list — Waltzing’s for Dreamers is tops.) Joan Baez and the Indigo Girls singing “Don’t Think Twice, It’s Alright” is sublime. And not about cheating, but about hopeless sacrifice is the Irish ballad “The Rising of the Moon” by Tia Blake. Always gives me chills.
Better Days Ahead
When I need some uplift, these are my songs. Aretha, OF COURSE. Young Aretha. 19 singing “Trouble in Mind.” When she wails “I have almost LOST MY MIND. Never had so much trouble in my young life before.” But — “the sun is gonna shine in my back door again.” I put this on my headphones and marched around the block after my D-Day, believing those words: I REFUSE TO BE BLUE ALWAYS. Thank you Aretha Franklin.
I’m a very lapsed Methodist, but a total old gospel nerd. Love “Move Upstairs.” You cannot listen to this and not feel better. And the Detroit Cobras — the late Rachel Nagy’s voice was pure distilled Detroit. She was a stripper and a butcher. And an amazingly gifted vocalist.
Well, I hope this gives you a few new tunes. CN — what’s on your survival hit parade?
Strong enough by Sheryl Crow
Before he cheats by Carrie Underwood
One by U2
Mamas broken heart by Miranda Lampert
Go your own way by Fleetwood Mac
Sweet music man by Kenny Rogers
Sail on by Lionel Richie
Wake up – Arcade fire
Human – Aquilo
Three Little Birds – Dresage, AG
Here we go – wild
Toching the ground – Judah & the lion
Sparrow and Lilies – Pat Barrett
The middle – Audrey Assad
Both sides now – Joni Mitchell
Never going back again – Fleetwood Mac
Byegone – Volcano Choir
Dont think twice its alright – Bob Dylan
Big black car – Gregory Alan Isakov
Stay Alive – José gonzalez
The Wolves and the ravens – Rogue Valley
Find your people – Drew Holcomb & The neighbours
Low – The Slow Show
Changes – Langhorn SLim, the law
Hungry – DANA
Some great off-the-beaten path stuff on your list. 😀
Thanks, I like to explore music lists. There is a lot of great music out there that’s not that popular. I have a lot of “Wow!” moments if I I dive into it, so satisfying.
I’m sampling some of your picks. Something not played on the radio much anymore is Shawn Colvin’s Sunny Came Home or one I played on loop, Get Out of This House. 😀
You’re the pretender – Foo Fighters and the angsty Fiona Apple – Sleep to Dream!
I tell you how I feel but you don’t care
I say tell me the truth but you don’t dare
You say love is a hell you cannot bear
And I say give me mine back and then go there for all I care
I got my feet on the ground and I don’t go to sleep to dream
You got your head in the clouds, you’re not at all what you seem
This mind, this body, and this voice cannot be stifled by your deviant ways
So don’t forget what I told you don’t come around
I got my own hell to raise
I have never been so insulted in all my life
I could swallow the seas to wash down all this pride
First you run like a fool just to be at my side
And now you run like a fool but you just run to hide
I can’t abide
Thanks for Sleep to Dream!
It’s not particularly Chump themed, but Sammy Rae & The Friends has been the soundtrack to Meh for me.
“For the Time Being” and “Flesh and Bone” are two particularly good songs for healing feels and moving on. Edited to add: How could I forget about “Cold-Hearted Man!”
Love the playlists, Tracy!
“the soundtrack to Meh!” I like it.
It took years but yesterday I heard “Just Cool” by Obongjayar on the radio, and had already looked it up before thinking, “Oh! Here I am again. The me that’s interested and doesn’t think twice about enjoying new things.” Happy Tuesday!!
Chapel Hart
Oh Jolene, you can have him ’cause he don’t mean much to me
Well, I cried so much ’til rivers turned to seas
Oh Jolene, when you think that he’s in love, he’ll surely leave
Like he did me
You can have him, Jolene
YES! No shade to Dolly but I don’t want the FW back and I vibe with Chapel Heart on this one!
I like this ending so much better than the original.
Keep On Smiling by Wet Willie
Well you say you got the blues,
Got holes in both of your shoes,
Feelin’ alone and confused,
You got to keep on smilin’, keep on smilin’
Yeah, you’re about to go insane,
Cause your woman’s playing games
And she says that you’re to blame,
You got to keep on smilin’, keep on smilin’
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes til the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes, singin’ this refrain
Singin’ in a honky tonk cafe,
Nobody’s hearin’ what you play,
they’re too busy drinkin’ anyway,
You got to keep on smilin’, keep on smilin’
You say you found a peace of land
Gonna change from city boy to country man
Try to build your life with your hands
You got to keep on smilin’, keep on smilin’
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes til the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes, singin’ this refrain
you’re just hangin’ out in a local bar,
And you’re wonderin’ who the hell you are
Are you a farmer? are you a star?
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes til the sun comes out again
Keep on smilin’ through the rain, laughin’ at the pain
Rollin with the changes, singin’ this refrain
“Fighter” – Christina Aguilera
(Not all the lyrics, but the ones I like the most)
“I never saw it coming,
All of your backstabbing,
Just so you could cash in on a good thing before I realized your game
I heard you’re goin’ ’round playin’ the victim now,
But don’t even begin feeling I’m the one to blame
‘Cause you dug your own grave.”
“Makes me that much stronger,
Makes me work a little bit harder,
Makes me that much wiser,
Thanks for making me a Fighter.
Made me learn a little bit faster,
Made my skin a little bit thicker,
Makes me that much smarter,
So thanks for making me a Fighter.”
“How could this man I thought I knew
Turn out to be unjust, so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth.
You tried to hide your lies, disguise yourself,
Through living in denial
But in the end you’ll see
You won’t stop me.”
Hah, I double posted that one!
She’s acting single, and I’m drinking doubles.. Gary Stuart
The sky is crying…Elmore James
She’s not the cheating kind…Brooks and Dunn
Your funeral and my trial …Sonny Boy Williamson
Easy come, easy go…George Strait
Careless love…Elizabeth Cotton
You’ve done lost your good thing now…BB King
Raining in my heart… Slim Harpo
Too cold at home..George Jones
Evil Woman…Elmore James
Crying..Roy Or is on
Only the lonely..Roy Orbison
The entire Country Music and Black Blues canon of work are built on love, loss and a hell of a lot of cheating.
For the people who stuck around and helped me and the kids in the aftermath – rather than running for the hills like some people who I expected better from – it has to be “You’ve got a friend” written by Carole King and performed by either her or James Taylor.
For my own personal use, it has to be “Love and Affection” by Joan Armatrading. The opening line (“I’m not in love, but I’m open to persuasion”) gets me every time. I hope that one day I can get to the point when I can let myself feel like this about someone.
And just because ….. it’s “Somewhere down the crazy river” by Robbie Robertson. No idea what it’s trying to say or what it’s about, but (at least to my thinking) it’s a masterpiece.
LFTT
I love that you chose a song to dedicate to your support circle. That’s so sweet!
Wish there were more metal fans, cause Ghostqueen by Dethklok was a cathartic, over the top roast track aimed at the Ex.
No Fear of the Setting Sun by Amon Amarth is a dirge about conviction in the face of the worst circumstances.
For R&B, Beyonce’s Sorry is a great f*ck you FW kinda song to get yourself pumped up. Most of her Lemonade album is good for that except the very end, which sadly succumbs to the RIC.
Holy shit I didn’t think I’d see Dethklok on anybody’s list! You give my heart license to soar this cold Friday!
Unfortunately Beyonce herself sadly succumbed to the RIC, a woman with her gifts should not put up with shit from anyone.
Oh, trust, Dethklok was on there (“Go into the Water”), also
Opeth, “Blackwater Park”
Lamb of God, “Descending”
Damageplan, “Explode”
Megadeth, “Die Dead Enough”
Mastodon, “Oblivion”
Gojira, “The Way of all Flesh”
Astronoid, “Up and Atom”
etc,
\m/
It’s Summer here in Oz so I’ve been listening to the Beach Boys…
Warmth Of The Sun
Break Away
Let Him Run Wild
I love Sia’s Unstoppable.
“I put my armor on so you know how strong I am
I put my armor on to show you that I am
I’m unstoppable
I’m a Porsche with no breaks
I’m invincible
I win every single day
I’m so powerful
I don’t need batteries to play
Im so confident
I’m unstoppable today”
Sia was basically my musical hero when I was in the worst of my depression. She’s got so many good songs.
I had a Spotify divorce playlist During the divorce, I had to be at work at 5am and needed to get awake and stoked, and then my attorney was a good distance away from home. My ex made the divorce so complicated that there were many in-person meetings. So I kicked off my playlist full blast when I needed the push.
My favorites are different now, but here are the ones I remember (some Christian):
Rescue (Lauren Daigle)
You Say (Lauren Daigle)
I’m Still Standing (Elton John)
Burn the Ships (King and Country)
Old Ways (Demi Lovato)
Recover (Natasha Bedingfield)
Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right (Bob Dylan)
Yes! Lauren Daigle’s songs were on repeat in the early days.
The Stranglers – skin deep
Neko Case – hold on, hold on
Love Skin Deep!!!
Right when FW left, I bought the CD of Eddie Vedder Ukulele Songs… and would weep and weep. Then I stopped listening to it (although it’s great music) and went for the upbeat “I can do this shit” music like:
* American Authors “Best Day of my Life” and
* Rachel Platten’s “Fight Song.”
I took a long hiatus from all “standards” (especially Frank Sinatra — FW’s favorite) and sad country songs (I loved them but they were hitting too close to home. Sorry, Hank Williams Sr). These days I listen to anything and everything — especially country (FW hated it) and even “I Will Survive” by Gloria Gaynor (FW always HATED this song… now we know why lol)
Two from the Eurythmics: Would I Lie to You and Thorn In My Side.
I played “Thorn In My Side” on repeat during a bad breakup. Love Annie Lennox!
Bust the windows out your car – Glee
Before he cheats- Carrie Underwood
Say my name – Destiny’s child
Even before I knew I was chumped I collected FU ballads as battle anthems for various life challenges. Since everyone else is posting my favorites, here are a few more.
Hit the Road Jack– Ray Charles
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SrnWp5O0DEs
Fighter– Christina Aguilera:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PstrAfoMKlc
Never Gonna Get It– En Vogue
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JIuYQ_4TcXg
Buddy X– Neneh Cherry
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lCvfvFKKNjk
Going to Chicago — any recording
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fs3_koFgK6k
A few “doormat format” sad songs with a little edge of FU
Watch Your Step– Anita Baker
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ktwCxBr8u-Y
No One But You– Goat Rodeo
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=unknkdq_DVE
No Man’s Woman– Sinead O’Connor
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qD_Z3td4nRU
“Liar” – The Sex Pistols
Liar, liar, liar!
You’re a liar, liar, liar!
Tell me why?
Tell me why?
Why d’you ‘ave to lie?
Shoulda realised,
Well you shoulda told the truth!
Shoulda realised!
Ya know what I know!
You’re in suspicion!
You’re a LIAR!!!”
The way John Lydon spits out these lyrics perfectly expresses how I feel about lies and those who love telling them!
Other ones did include:-
“Carcass” -Siouxie and the Banshees, but I’ve calmed down a lot since then! Just as well, eh?
St Benedict’s Exorcism prayer in Latin Gregorian Chant:-
“The Holy Cross be my Light,
Let not the dragon be my guide,
Begone, Satan!
Do not tempt me with your vanities,
Evil things you offer,
Drink your own poison!”
This helps me not be consumed with anger so I don’t get dragged down to his level, plus you could also apply it to their hoovers; They tempt us with vanities- ” I love you”, “she meant nothing to me”, “I’ll get counselling/therapy” and all the other baited hooks they throw to try and hook you again, which are lies and what they really want is to use, abuse and deceive us again AKA it’s evil things they’re offering, so, say no to hoovers, begone to cheats and let them drink their own poison!
“One More Minute” by “Weird Al” Yankovic. This song was KEY to rewiring my brain to Trust That He Sucks after being blindsided.
Hell Yes! I first heard that one(one of the first CDs I owned when it came out!) and found it quaint. A few break ups later and it started to be like This is Spinal Tap…I nod more than I laugh.
I love that one! If you like that try “It’s a beautiful day” by Michael Buble (the video too) it has lines like this
And you may not believe, hmm
That baby, I’m relieved
This fire inside, it burns too bright
I don’t want to say “So long”, I just want to say “Goodbye”
My taste in music runs the gamut, which means my go-to playlist is a bit all over the place…
Last To Know- Three Days Grace
Chalk Outline- Three Days Grace
Obvious- Blink 182
Gives You Hell- All American Rejects
F*** You and All Your Friends- Falling in Reverse
You Be Tails, I’ll Be Sonic- A Day To Remember
Screaming Infidelities- Dashboard Confessionals
Do Re Mi- Blackbear
Figures- Jessie Reyez
Take a Bow- Rhianna
I Hope- Gabby Barrett
Irreplaceable- Beyonce
You Lost Me- Christina Aguilera
White Liar- Miranda Lambert
Thru Your Phone- Cardi B
Flowers- Miley Cyrus
I have a whole playlist on Spotify called “Walkaway Woman shit” (you can search it). Being over five years out, and firmly ensconced in this badass life I’ve gained, I rarely listen to it these days.
But: the anthem of my life is still (and always will be) Golden by Jill Scott.
“I’m taking my freedom
Pulling it off the shelf
Putting it on my chain
Wear it around my neck
I’m taking my freedom
Putting it in my car
Wherever I choose to go
It will take me far
I’m livin’ my life like it’s golden…”
yes!! Sublime
Cry Me A River – The Cliks
Before He Cheats – Carrie Underwood
Fuck You – CeeLo Green
Rolling in the Deep – Adele
IDGAF – Dua Lipa
Good as Hell – Lizzo
Respect – Aretha Franklin
Landslide – Fleetwood Mac
Liar – Davina Michelle
Womanizer – Britney Spears
Take a Bow – Rihanna
Nine Inch Nails has been my go-to for over a decade. Here’s a little selection of NIN songs that got me through the Chumpiest of times.
Mighty: Shit Mirror
Sad: Something I Can Never Have, That’s What I Get
Oddly Comforting: La Mer, In This Twilight
Also, when I went to go pick up my stuff from FW’s apartment, I was a wreck. My sibling sent me Electrolysis by Penny Parker. I put it on repeat the whole drive. It helped a LOT. I consider it my chumpy themesong.
You know what, while we’re here, I’ll share the last lines of Electrolysis.
“Flame alights upon my face
A spark ignites, again I brace
For every surge of agony
Another hurt is leaving me
Across the gap is closure and
If I can hold composure
I’ll be free
I’ll be forever set free
I long to be set free from the routine”
Happy/hopeful:
Love’s Gonna Live Here Again – Buck Owens and later cover by Martina McBride
Screw You – Pat McCurdy
Rock Hudson – Kelly Clarkson
Done – Frazey Ford
Sad:
She Used to be Mine – Sara Bareilles
Crazy – Patsy Cline
Fallen – Sarah MacLachlan
Love this, but I need to say, Nina Simone on Sinnerman! Related, who else has music you’ve loved over the years which now has a nasty taste due to FW associations? Wasband & I went to gazillions of shows at clubs etc–music was a real bond (so I thought) in the early years of our 25+ year relationship. Of course I do my best to remove old associations, but it goes so deep with music.
Nina Simone be the QUEEN, obviously there’s Feelin’ Good (for when you get to Meh) but have you ever heard “Funkier than a Mosquito’s Tweeter”?
You’re nothing but a dirty, dirty old man
You do your thinking with a one track mind
Keep talkin’ about heaven glory but
On your face is a different story
Clean up your rap your story’s getting dusty
Wash out your mouth
Your lies are getting rusty
Can’t believe nothing you say
’cause I’m around and I see what you do
You know you’re funky as a mosquito’s tweeter
You gotta mouth like a herd of boll weevils
Same old game, same old thing
You never changed
Always rappin ’bout the same old thing
But yeah, nasty taste … Here in Aus there’s a music legend called Paul Kelly. First gig I took my Brit ExWit to here. He was woven thru our marriage and our family. He wrote a song called “I Can’t Believe We Were Married”, which ExWit strategically sent me one evening post Dday … not only is Paul Kelly ruined for me, but that song showed me a cruel side of the rock icon. Same reasons I can’t stomach Bob Dylan or Leonard Cohen.
One that definitely needs to be on the playlist is the song “Done.” by The Band Perry. I don’t know what it is about Country & Western songs but they always seem to hit the right place:
Done.
The Band Perry
You’ve been wearin’ that crown and tearin’ me down
It’s been a while since you’ve treated me right
You strung me along for far too long ’cause I never gave up the fight
Until now
It’s gonna hit you hard ’til you see stars
It’s gonna put through you a world of hurt
Oh, I don’t believe in gettin’ even but gettin’ what you deserve
Oh my, oh my, huh!
Mama always told me that I should play nice
She didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
I’m through with you
You’re one page I’d like to burn
Bottle up the ashes, smash the urn
I’m through with you, la-ti-da
I don’t wanna be your just-for-fun
Don’t wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is done
Done
You crossed the line too many times
I’m gonna put you in your place
You play with dynamite
Don’t be surprised when I blow up in your face
Oh my, oh my, huh
Mama always told me that I should play nice
But she didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
I’m through with you
You’re one page I’d like to burn
Bottle up the ashes, smash the urn
I’m through with you, la-ti-da
I don’t wanna be part of your fun
Don’t wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is done
(Done) with your selfish ways
(Done) and all the games you play
I’m through with you and everything you say
Mama told me that I should play nice
She didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
Mama always told me that I should play nice
But she didn’t know you when she gave me that advice
(I’m through) I’m through (with you) with you
You’re one page I’d like to burn
Scatter in the ashes, smash the urn
I’m through with you, la-ti-da (la-ti-da)
I don’t wanna be your just-for-fun
Don’t wanna be under your thumb
All I wanna be is done
All I wanna be is done, ugh!
Hey, eh-eh-eh, aye, ooh-ooh-ooh
I wanna be done (so done)
So done (so done)
So done
This is on my playlist too and I crank it up LOUD.
Here’s the video:
https://youtu.be/4emYaDbaJ8w?si=hDKjBd89jDeAeW7X
I didn’t find Chumplady until after I had settled with my ex. We mediated most of our divorce (unfortunately didn’t discover the “don’t go to mediation w/a FW” advice until it was too late). Anyhow, those sessions with our mediator were very stressful. Thank goodness I was seeing a good therapist at the time that was helping me set boundaries and say, “no” to my ex, but the verbally manipulative garbage he spewed was awful.
In those days, I needed a lot of loud, angry rock. At the top of that list:
Rage Against The Machine – Killing in the Name of (needed that “Fuck you I won’t do what you tell me” line)
Not rock, but fits that mood, Ke$ha – Praying
Also needed stuff to pick up my mood after those sessions. I had a lot of 90’s and early 00’s top 40, old-school hip-hop/ r&b and dance type hits.
Also had my “girl-power” type of playlist:
Lizzo – “Like a girl”
“FItness”
“Boys”
“Water Me”
Demi Lovato – “Sorry Not Sorry”
The Interrupters – “Gave you Everything”
“Kerosene”
“She Got Arrested”
Slayyter – “Daddy AF” (very NSFW, lol)
Janelle Monae – “Make Me Feel”
Fabolous – “You Be Killing ‘Em”
Bruno Mars / Mark Ronson – “Uptown Funk”
Des’ree – “You Gotta Be”
Lady Gaga – “Teeth”
Royal Blood – “My Sharona” (Cover of the song by The Knack)
Rage Against the Machine for me too! And Killing in the Name of specifically that line… yup.
Shakira #53 — all the versions! This is the best one for me.
Neva Gonna Get It (My Lovin’) by En Vogue (Official music video)
You Give Love a Bad Name by Bon Jovi
Judas by Kelly Clarkson
So What by PINK
IDGAF by Due Lipa
Fun old FU ballad for she-FWs and sidebonks. Stupid Girl– Garbage.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rdw-e9UXW50
You pretend you’re high
Pretend you’re bored
Pretend you’re anything
Just to be adored
And what you need
Is what you get
Don’t believe in fear
Don’t believe in faith
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t break
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
What drives you on
Can drive you mad
A million lies to sell yourself
Is all you ever had
Don’t believe in love
Don’t believe in hate
Don’t believe in anything
That you can’t waste
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can’t believe you fake it
Can’t believe you fake it
Don’t believe in fear
Don’t believe in pain
Don’t believe in anyone
That you can’t tame
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
All you had you wasted
All you had you wasted
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can’t believe you fake it
Can’t believe you fake it
You stupid girl
You stupid girl
Can’t believe you fake it
Can’t believe you fake it
You stupid girl
Great call on Cake’s remake of “I will survive” Cake also does a great cover of Black Sabbath’s “War Pigs”
Male Chump playlist:
Dday stage;
Allman’s “Whipping Post”
Genesis “Misunderstanding”
Sad;
Cat Stevens “First cut is the deepest” and “Hurt”
Croce’s “Operator”
Recovery;
Zep “Your Time is Going To Come”
Springsteen’s cover of “Trapped”
Nugent “Stranglehold”
Meh;
Marshal Tucker “this old cowboy”
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=f9rCUQjmkxU
agreed, Chump Lady can’t even get any higher in my estimation except she just did by loving the Cake version of I Will Survive! Because Gloria Gaynor does get on your nerves after a while and Cake just get DOWN!
I have break-up songs – “Against All Odds” was a big one for me and Jon Secada’s “Just Another Day” but not really specifically mighty songs. I’d probably just play “Voodoo Child” or anything else by Hendrix or “Born to be Wild” or something like that. I have an idea for this lady, it’s the kind of thing I might do which may or may not help her. I do believe we can communicate with the dead. Because when someone has died with unfinished business, it really can sit painfully with the living without resolution. It’s an open wound, sometimes forever. Personally I’d write up a letter to this bastard, tell him what I found out, what I think of him, and what I hope happens to him – or whatever would make her feel good to communicate in person if she could, write it all up and just have a ritual around it – burn it and consider that as the smoke is released, the message gets to him to. I don’t doubt that he will face consequences in the afterlife as I do believe there is punishment for the wicked although it might not be like what we’ve told. My sense of punishment is that they would experience all the pain and hurt and injury they’ve foisted on others until on a soul level they truly understand what they’ve done. This may not end for some people. It might help to free up feelings that are holding her down and back right now. My heart goes out to her, I cannot imagine too many things more painful than finding out your spouse was a complete fake…but she has to take credit for her own good behavior. If he was fake, she never was. We have to take pride in our own achievements and honesty.
I built my Spotify playlist a few months after DDay. In the last several years I’ve rarely listened to music, mostly podcasts but I *needed* music after DDay. Some of my songs came from friends who I asked for songs about kickass women. Most of my songs are of the ‘revenge against the cheater’ or ‘I’m better off without him’ variety while many are also about picking yourself up and getting stronger.
Interestingly, my whole life I’ve disliked country music. I grew up with my mom listening to it and I never cared for the twangy stuff. But when I needed music after DDay I discovered Contemporary Country (thanks to TSwift’s crossover success). Nobody gets it like these folks. They speak my heart but usually have fun doing it.
I listened to The Chicks Gaslighter album too soon after DDay and it hurt too badly but I’m good now.
At any rate, my playlist on Spotify is called Reclaiming Me (I’m WritingStiles) and another terrific playlist that was recommended to me is Scorned. I’ve listened to the hell out of both of them. I need them less now at 13 months post-DDay but I still enjoy them.
Some of my faves:
Sleep on My Side, Megan Moroney “I sleep on my side and you sleep with everyone”I hope, Gaby Barrett “I hope she’s wilder than your wildest dreams, she’s everything you’re ever gonna need. “And then I hope she cheats like you did on me.”Gaslighter, The Chicks (of course)Done, The Band Perry “Mama always told me that I should play nice; She didn’t know you when she gave me that advice…”What Goes Around, Justin Timberlake “I know, he’s not great, but the lyrics are spot.on.-Tulsa, Elle King “He went back to Tulsa…and I ain’t talking Oklahoma…but if you spell it back to front you’re gonna know what I mean.”Miss Me More, Kelsea Ballerini “I thought I’d miss you [when it ended], I thought it’d hurt me [but it didn’t], I thought I’d miss you, but I miss me more.”Soulmate, Lizzo “‘Cause I’m my own soulmate, I know how to love me, I know that I’m always gonna hold me down…I know I’m a queen, but I don’t need no crown…And I gotta testify I get flowers every Sunday, I’ma marry me one day…”Me Before You, Kaylee Rose “I was fine before you walked in my life, so I’ll be fine after too. I know you don’t want to see but there was a me before you…”Stripes, Brandy Clark”The only thing keepin’ me from losin’ my head is I hate stripes and orange ain’t my color”Breadwinner, Kacey Musgraves “You’re gonna give it all and give it all but you won’t get it back.” — truthfully every word of this song is a Chump anthem!
Anyway, I hope you check them out. They have helped me so much!
Good luck reading my list, my formatting got stripped out. 🙁
(I hope everybody else is having as much fun with this as I am)
I will sort mine into categories. My taste is…eclectic to say the least. Might want to turn the CC on in Youtube. Enjoy my nerd music!
Sad/Heartbroken:
“Mary Did You Know” by Mannheim Steamroller(ran in my head THE ENTIRE TIME I cleaned out our old storage unit…while I was a sobbing mess)
“Antihero” by Taylor Swift(reconciling the issue…but I usually start to smile around “She’s Laughing up at us from Hell”)
“The Coin Song”-Nobuo Uematsu
“The Real Folk Blues” by the Seatbelts/Yoko Kanno (Kristine Sa also did a lovely rendition of this)
Anger(I hope you like metal):
“The Memory Remains” and “Unforgiven” by Metallica(S&M versions if you are feeling a little flighty).
“Burn In Hell” by Dimmu Borgir(yes, this is a death metal cover of the Twisted Sister song from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure)
“Normal Blood” by Shiro Sagisu
Vindictive/Jeff’s Smirking Revenge(not that I would ever stoop to her level, but it’s fun to pretend)
“When You’re Evil” by Voltaire
“I’d Rather You Be Dead” by Dethklok
“liveDevil” by daIce
Hope/Strength/Moving on(lots of foreign EDM in here-need to get my energy back up fighting the sadness):
“We’re Gonna Make It” by Hammerfall
“Invincible” by Amaranthe
“You Say Run” by Yuki Hayashi
“Max Power” by Dr. Love & D-Essex
“Never Fade Away” by LittleVMills(Covering Samurai)
“The Baddest” by LittleVMills(Covering K/Da)
“Will Power” by Shoji Meguro
“Don’t Stop! Carry On!” by RD
There is one last song that for me that covers all of the categories above…because…well…it was one of “our songs” at the very end. So apart from my usual “stay mighty”, I will leave you all with the last verse, as while the person I associate that song with well and truly sucks, the message does not:
“May All Blessings Find Their Way To You-I’m Wishing It!”
We used to listen to Chris Thile’s mandolin music a lot and there was one song that FW used to hum before the affair… the ultimate boo-hoo/sadz song about a FW lamenting consequences. I didn’t realize how pity channel it was until after D-Day when I really listened to the lyrics. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjAXuWIzXjM
Ugh. I identify with this. My ex loved this song (soundtrack to the movie Boyhood) https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PyMs0zh_Uls. And so did I! We would sing along to it in the car.
But now that I really read the lyrics, I see his love of that song in a different light. It was his anthem for freedom from the shackles of marriage and societal expectations. At least that’s my interpretations.
Now I can’t listen to it. Another thing ruined.
Hooray, eclectic taste! I see those VGMs – it’s a good selection!
Already gone by the Eagles; Tubthumping by Chumbawamba. Done by The Band Perry.
Psycho by Aitch and Anne Marie
I majored in classical music in college, and my tastes normally run to opera and symphonic works. But, there are just a few occasional instances in which country western music really gets it right. Being chumped is one such occasion.
I kind of failed in the “collect bada$$ chump songs” activity, but U also shared the experience of being a chump widow. I knew my spouse of 26 years had had an intense relationship with a work associate but he denied sex to his last breath then dropped dead 5 years into our wreconsillyation.
After he died, I would proof that his “coming clean” was full of lies and about 2.5 years after he died, I learned that there had been “other affairs” which caused me to have to reprocess our whole courtship and married life. For about 5 years, it was common for me to be thinking lightly about some random thing then I would remember some odd thing about it and then the light bulb over my head would light up “Oh my God, now I know why he was acting so weird that day”.
I think Im finally done with that whole process
When he died, even though he had been quite an ass for much of our marriage, I figured that he was MY ass. It was hard to realize that he never really was mine. I truly did love him when he died and I truly dont now. I had cried many many many tears during our marriage and the day I learned he was a life long cheater, I didnt squeeze out a drop. It was like the opposite of The Grinch (where his heart grew and got soft, towards his memory, my heart got small and cold).
The good news is that I could love again and life is great. My work has, however, been screwing me and Im about to walk. They know that Im deeply committed and there is not another job of this sort in driving distance, so I think they believe that I wont leave. They will be very surprised when I resign in 17 days. That is some of what I learned here…to WALK when you have been f’ed over. I didnt ever leave my Cheater human but Im about to leave my abusive work.
Unicorn,
when the pain of where you are surpasses the pain of leaving that is when you go.
I got that from a psychiatrist friend.
While I am not a Jackson Browne fan because he hit Daryl Hanna and for other reasons, he had a great line in his song “On and On”.
“try not to confuse who you are with what you do to survive”
You have shared so much of what you have gone through with so many of us and helped so many of us. This will be a small detour in your mighty journey. Better days ahead !
I am also changing. I am closing my private practice at the end of the month to go full time at a VA.
First, Im embarrassed that autocorrect changes so many of my words when I post. My actual thoughts are not as jumbled as my posts.
My workplace is a “nonprofit” city hospital with some really good people but has become very top heavy with execs making HUGE salaries while Im grossly under-paid. I was also given the opportunity to do a second role which used the Masters I got in 2021 with the catch that I would get no extra compensation. Ive been telling them that it’s a problem for about 1.5 years and Im literally ignored. They will likely be very surprised when they get the news.
I mobilize a lot of empathy and compassion in my work and in some ways IS who I am, so removing myself from it will be hard. I recognize that my decency, empathy and compassion are being exploited and that is a big “no” from me. The VA may be a great place to work in terms of working with clear processes that (hopefully) aren’t jacked up by individual people in the workplace – I hope it goes well for you !
The other day, I was recalling a recent conversation with a new person and I realized that as I told parts of “my story”, the former marriage wasn’t even part of it anymore. Not only has it ceased to be painful, it has ceased to even be relevant.
I refused to listen to sad music while I was separating from Fuckwit, so I listened to badass songs and ho-hum songs.
Badass:
Yonaka – Seize The Power
Chinchilla – Little Girl Gone
Little Sims – Venom
Taylor Swift – Look What You Made Me Do
Sophie Hunter – CVNT
Billie Eilish – I Think Therefore I Am
Carolina Chocolate Drops – Hit Em Up Style
Destiny’s Child – Survivor
Doja Cat – Vegas
Ho-Hum:
Dolly Parton – Here You Come Again
Billie Eilish – Happier Than Ever
Blondie – Heart of Glass
Gillian Welch – I Don’t Want to Go Downtown
Cary Ann Hearst – Hells Bells
Mazie – i think i wanna be alone
Sza – Kill Bill (please don’t kill your ex though)
Fleetwood Mac – Never Going Back Again
When I got further away from the ordeal I was able to grieve a little and listen to some sad songs, like:
Sufjan Stevens – Will Anybody Ever Love Me
Revenge Wife – Earthquake
Whitney Houston – It’s Not Right But It’s Okay
The Billie Eilish song has a perfect music video to go with it that really has to be experienced. It’s not totally a ho-hum song, there’s a tone shift at 2:30 and then it’s like a fucking baptism, I feel like I’m being washed clean watching this person experience all of the raw emotions that I can’t fully let myself feel: https://youtu.be/5GJWxDKyk3A?si=NvfWewbDUXXQr3Fx
Pretty much anything by The Beautiful South – their songs run the gamut from sad/wistful (“I’ll Sail This Ship Alone”) to angry (“A Little Time”) to hopeful (“Prettiest Eyes”). Another hopeful one: “Kintsugi” by John Flynn.
For empowerment songs, of course I have to include: “I am woman, hear me roar” by my borrowed namesake.
Also huge fan of Tom Petty’s “Won’t Back Down.”
Well, it’s not at all affair or relationship oriented, but I’ve had Rage Against the Machine going strong all year. I’ve got a lot of rage and this band helps me release it more than any other. Nirvana too. Cathartic screaming through song is my thing.
As for affair related songs, “Forgive them Father” off the Miseducation of Lauryn Hill album is gold:
It took me a little while to discover
Wolves in sheep coats who pretend to be lovers
Men who lack conscience will even lie to themselves
To themselves
A friend once said, and I found to be true
That everyday people, they lie to God too
So what makes you think, that they won’t lie to you?
Forgive them father for they know not what they do….
Also off the same album, “I Used to Love Him”:
I used to love him but now I don’t
Father you saved me and showed me that life
Was much more than being some foolish man’s wife
Showed me that love was respect and devotion
Greater than planets deeper than oceans
My soul was weary but now it’s replenished
Content because that part of my life is finished
I see him sometimes and the look in his eye
Is one of a man who’s lost treasures untold
But my heart is gold I took back my soul
And totally let my creator control
The life which was his to begin with
I used to love him but now I don’t
Whole album is so good… many more relevant songs.
I have a (very long) Spotify playlist as well, with many of the same songs as others (“Gaslighter” by The Chicks is first). But my fave is “Happier Than Ever” originally by Billie Ellish, but covered by Kelly Clarkson and I just love her version. Mainly because I feel like her she may be a chump too (though I never really confirmed that):
When I’m away from you
I’m happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn’t true
Give me a day or two
To think of something clever
To write myself a letter
To tell me what to do
Do you read my interviews?
Or do you skip my avenue?
When you said you were passin’ through
Was I even on your way?
I knew when I asked you to
Be cool about what I was tellin’ you
You’d do the opposite of what you said you’d do
And I’d end up more afraid
Don’t say it isn’t fair
You clearly weren’t aware
That you made me miserable
So if you really wanna know
When I’m away from you
I’m happier than ever
Wish I could explain it better
I wish it wasn’t true
You call me again, drunk in your Benz
Drivin’ home under the influence
You scared me to death but I’m wastin’ my breath
‘Cause you only listen to your fuckin’ friends
I don’t relate to you, no
I don’t relate to you
‘Cause I’d never treat me this shitty
I get it, you hate this city
And I don’t talk shit about you on the internet
Never told anyone anything bad
‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing, you were my everything
And all that you did was make me fuckin’ sad
So don’t waste the time I don’t have
And don’t try to make me feel bad
I could talk about every time that you showed up on time
But I’d have an empty line ’cause you never did
Never paid any mind to my mother or friends
So I shut ’em all out for you just like a kid
You ruined everything good
Always said you were misunderstood
Made all my moments your own
Just fuckin’ leave me alone
And I don’t talk shit about you on the internet
Never told anyone anything bad (yeah)
‘Cause that shit’s embarrassing, you were my everything (just leave me alone)
And all that you did was make me fuckin’ sad (oh, oh)
Leave me alone
Joe Dee Messina-My Give a Danm’s Busted, Jax’s- Cinderella Snapped , And of course, P!nk’s- So What. Carrie Underwood’s – Before He Cheats is also on that list.
Fuck It ~ Eamon
Favorite Song ~ Toosii
Kill Bill ~ SZA
Eagles- Already gone
Billy Joel- And so it goes
Paul Simon- 50 ways to leave your lover
Bob Marley- Three Little Birds
Gloria Gaynor- I will survive
Willie Nelson- Something you get through
Simon and Garfunkel- Bridge over troubled waters
Miley Cyrus- Flowers
Julie Andrew- My Favorite Things
Brooks and Dunn- Believe
Gotye- Somebody that I used to know
Bonnie Raitt- I can’t make you love me
Kelly Clarkson- Stronger
Alicia Keyes- Girl on Fire
Joanie Mitchell- Both sides now
Lizzo- Good as Hell
Demi Lovato’s Stone cold on the James Corden show about 5 yrs ago is on YouTube. Worth a listen, incredible delivery. I’ve listened to that countless times. Beautiful and the raw hurt emotion is so palpable, always gets me.
The Chicks- entire Gaslighter album
Carrie Underwood- Before He Cheats, Undo It, Good Girl, Songs Like This, Two Black Cadillacs, Cowboy Casanova
Billie Eilish – Your Power, Happier Than Ever
Avery Anna – Narcissist
Joan Jett – Little Liar, World of Denial
Lainey Wilson – Small Town Girl
Rachel Platten – Fight Song
Paula Abdul – Cold Hearted
Stryper – Honestly (a huge contrast from my ex!)
Just thought of some more:-
Fool’s Gold- Stone Roses
Step On-Happy Mondays
Acid Test- The Chemical Brothers.
You Got the Love-Candi Staton
Going Back to My Roots-Odessy
Also this song is the karma anthem: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XzOvgu3GPwY&list=RDEMb1vAi4rwXXeDlr7NZ68C_w&index=28