True Cheater Confessions?
Lying liars who lie occasionally… every so often… blurt out the truth.
Maybe they did it inadvertently. Maybe they said it to hurt you. Maybe they couldn’t keep their story straight. But for whatever reason — once in a violet moon, they say something unassailably correct.
“Because I can tell her what to do, that’s WHY.”
Your Friday Challenge is to share that time the mask slipped, or the mindfuckery machine got gummed up, and you heard a True Thing.
What was it? What happened next?
TGIF!
It was the half truths that led me to the actual truths. Worked out this was a tactic. My ex had a harem of friends called Tracey, all mutual with me, all enabling him. It was a movie with Tracey (sci-fi, his thing not my thing) or live bands with Tracey (also not my thing). You guessed it, was all a cover for a 4 year affair with….Tracy!
Funnily after I left I got a therapist called Tracey (we laughed and laughed about the Tracey’s), and I pretty quickly found this blog so I’d mention things Tracy had told me here too, as if Chump Lady was someone I knew 😂
Hi NenaB,
I have been experiencing lots of coincidences lately. Here is one that just happened 10 minutes ago. I went for a massage and the masseuse was a wonderful Black woman named Janelle. She was terrific. I had to laugh to myself.
FW had a years long EA with a Black woman co-worker named Janelle. He’s a balding old white dude trying to stay relevant. Good luck with that.
I got the good Janelle. And maybe a sign that FW is truly a FW and I am on a healing path!
I had a friend years ago (who betrayed me in a non-sexual way, job related) who was cheating with a married guy named John and he was the latest in a line of guys literally named John she cheated with. Guess she actually knew what she was. She did end up marrying the last John though.
Incidentally, that makes me think of a bit of an unrelated point….if you have a friiiieeeeennnndddd who will betray you or someone else in a non-sexual way, they probably cheat too or vice versa. People who mistreat or betray others don’t just do it in a sexual context, so pay attention to general clues about character (or lack thereof).
Tracys have evil twins. I’m so glad some good Tracys are outweighing the bad ones.
I asked him why we had lasted 5 years, when all of his other romances were short-lived. He quite quickly replied “because you let me do what I want” bingo, and thats exactly what he was doing, anything he wanted. I never asked him where he had been, most afternoons at the local watering hole. But he owned his own business and his days were spent who knows where. I shudder to think. Rear view mirror now and I have my sanity back. Give them enough rope, they will hang themselves everytime.
Up until disclosure, I was so proud of him and how he had matured from that 18 year old I had married. I was proud of me, and us together. All that we had built together in our 20 year marriage. I trusted him and held my head high.
I was a freaking clueless idiot. I hope he enjoyed using me, and he and his whore(s) laughing behind my back.
“If I came in another girl’s ass, would you lick it up?”
WTAF.
Found out after I left that he’d actually anally raped a girl WHILE WE WERE TOGETHER.
Was that something he actually said? I can’t imagine anyone…..saying……yes to that…….he must have been out of towels.
Yikes! Glad you’re away from that sick one!
Please tell me this rapist is in jail!
Currently on bail pending trial. That I am going to be a witness for because of things he said to me around the time it happened 🤦♀️ determined to be strong and see I through!
Way to be mighty. I’m glad you’re standing up as a witness to his sexual assault. Thank you.
A couple of things spring to mind:
– He made a pros/cons list comparing me to OW (as part of trying to choose between us during what I now call Ultimatum Weekend); what topped the OW’s pros list was “She praises me”.
– During the rewrite-our-13-year-marital-history-to-completely-suck phase he was in, while he was blaming the affair on me not paying enough attention to him: when I asked him why he’d seemed so happy with me during lockdown, he said “Because you couldn’t leave the house”.
Nina, same! Reasons for the affair were:
-First time I asked, “she flattered my physique”
-After he read a RIC book and had a week or two to figure out how this could work for him: “You are not grateful for me” along with a list of other reasons.
Of course the truth was the first thing he blurted out, but either way the answer was kibbles.
Totally – kibbles! It always boils down to that.
Mine told me “she flirted with me”
…. So it’s cool to cheat on your wife if the cockwhore flirts with you???
Mine had a list too – apparently AP had dicky hips which meant I got a point for having mobile joints – he claimed her mobility issue related to his desire to go bushwalking – I dont know about that although I am sure there was a bush involved
Ha I got a point for having thicker hair, though he really valued what a romantic hero he was for looking past her “lank” hair. I swear to god this is a man who calls himself a feminist.
He never let on about the cheating but about 9 months before dday he was in a dark place emotionally, full of self hatred. Like the sweet little chump that I am I tried to build up his ego. I told him how I thought all the time he spent taking care of his mother was heroic. Some hero he said, I always have to have the best of everything, my Italian bicycle, fancy shoes, my car, my expensive shotgun. It turns out he was letting his mother bankroll all that stuff. It was the ONLY moment of self reflection I saw in 26 years of marriage! It turns out he wasn’t spending all that time with his mother after all.
We were in Wreckonsillyation and he had gotten away with a mild Dday considering the volume of his cheating over the years. (I realize now that I had other days but wasn’t reality based to even realize what I found).
He had a closet full of stinky skeletons and I wondered if he feared being found-out. He looked miserable so I would tell him “You shouldn’t be sad, you have everything.. a wife who loves you, great kids, nice house, good education…” I had no idea that my encouragements likely made his dread worse…I was reminding him of all he would lose if some resentful Schmoopie showed up at the door.
Unicorn,
The month before Dday I told FW that the greatest guy on earth and biggest idiot was her first husband who divorced her because I was able to marry her. I would publically say she was the most intrinsically good person I ever met and saintly.
Probably was hell on her now realizing that she was cheating and that her bulimia nearly killed our 2day old son if I wasn’t home to do CPR
When after leaving with no explanation claiming he ‘felt empty’ then giving his reason as trauma from childhood, I told him ‘you have a secret’, nothing made sense. He just couldn’t hide the smirk before quickly producing the big sad face and denial and 4 years later I can still see it.
In the thread right above, I commented on Cheater looking like he was carrying around a huge secret…I was too far in denial to figure out what is was then
That’s so interesting. That is one of the the three sentiments my cheater expressed to me. Apart from him telling me I didn’t smile enough and he didnt love me anymore, he then said, “I feel empty inside.” And of course, that was my fault. So interesting. Thank you for sharing. I hadn’t heard of another cheater using that line until now.
Yes mine too said he felt empty inside or dead inside. Of course, that was my fault.
Now I know why cheater told me he no longer feels butterflies when I walked into a room.
He must have felt empty inside..,
The smirk.
This is what opened the doors for me – to clear 40 years of fog. After several days of replaying that split second in my mind, I entered into google search something like strange facial expression smile. And that was the key to understanding damn near my entire lifetime.
Oh, the smirk! Yes, I’ve got one in my memory banks that I could still see, if I gave him any further thought from the Land of Meh. (hey newbie chumps, it DOES get better!).
When my teenage son came home after an outing with his dad post D Day and excitedly announced: “Dad said he is really happy he doesnt have to be a good role model anymore”.
Wow cheers dickhead. Where’s a Mack Truck and a lonely highway when you need one.
My teenage son came home to tell me Dad said if I live with him full time we can live like college roommates.
Just what a 16 year old boy needs is a college room mate.
Let’s rent that truck together and I’ll drive!
Asshat said to my query about how our children were going to respond to the new situation: “Kids bounce. Besides, I’ll just take them on vacations when convenient for me”. He also threw in “you’ll never be a grandma because our kids are never getting married. So no worries about us having to attend their weddings”.
My Cheater did tell my sone to never marry and they never will…its OK if they decide that but to just portray it as misery is fucked up
Wow. Words fail me.
In the Susan of Seattle era, he hated being a husband and father …he hated every little responsibility us being in his life created for him. One day he had to drop kids off at High School…the traffic was annoying (as school traffic generally is) and he reacted like a dick-head and went speeding down the school driveway like a criminal on crack.
He knew I would not approve and eager to get the episode over, said something like “I can do what I want” …he had no idea what direction my explanation for why his actions were wrong I would go in…I said “You dont have the luxury of being such a terrible example in front of all of those kids”. I was rather proud of myself for coming up with that so fast, and his reaction was a sadz face, so I think I got through to him in that moment, but generally he lived like a dickish 25 year old bachelor, not a 45 year old husband/father.
About one month after D day. I asked what was so great about my cousin? After me asking that question several times. He yelled she was fun to be with. She was happy all the time. She never bitched. She always was happy to see me. When I asked him what kind of fun she liked to have. He rolled his eyes and said that she just liked to have fun. Then told me to drop it.
I realized that he threw away a 33 year marriage for a little fun. I hope all the fun at my expense was worth it.
cuzchump, I got the ‘having fun’ excuse too! Imploding marriages, families and finances, putting someone’s health at risk, lying and showing incomprehensible moral deficiency doesn’t seem like fun to me, but to FW’s it totally is…
Well, you know. A girl just got to have fun. Even if it ruins a marriage. However, the fun ran out fast when their affair was outed. But, at least they had fun while it lasted.
I think that “fun” dries up pretty quick in the sunlight.
I remember FW after he left about two months out came by the house and accused me of calling the whore. He said whore was getting phone calls. I said, I never once called her, and you know I didn’t. I wouldn’t give either of you the satisfaction. (hell I never even called him, except for a couple business calls). He just ducked his head and left.
In hindsight I think things weren’t as exciting for them, and either he or she was trying to drum up some excitement. Likely her, because if he wanted excitement he would get it else where, and much to her dismay he did.
He was in excited protect the whore situation when they were sneaking around, but when they were outed and the sunlight hit them, everyone one knew they were just a couple turds; and no one cared. It isn’t like the police department didn’t have plenty of cheating turds to talk about.
No offense to the police officers who were decent, and I believe there are a lot of them.
Yes I wondered whether all the farcical lies post D Day (people getting murdered and so on – yes very realistic) were just a grab for attention rather than manifestations of a psychological disturbance. A total loser trying to be a bad boy.
“…and no one cared”
Ultimately this lack of caring is what crushes them.
Susie, he wanted you to call the OW. The centrality! The drama! But when you didn’t, all that triangulation, drama, and sneaking around vanished, and he was left alone with her. What a downer this must be for cheaters!
I experienced something similar. My ex accused me of calling the OW’s then-husband. He said that if I called him, I’d “have blood on my hands.” Oh FFS! Of course I hadn’t called the guy. I sensed that those two disordered cheaters were, oddly enough, disappointed.🙄
By the way, CL is right about disengaging: “Remember, if you want to end things with a narcissist, nothing says fuck off louder than silence. Disordered people WANT engagement. It’s kibbles.” (from: https://www.chumplady.com/2014/01/going-no-contact-and-staying-no-contact/)
“Susie, he wanted you to call the OW. The centrality! The drama! But when you didn’t, all that triangulation, drama, and sneaking around vanished, and he was left alone with her. What a downer this must be for cheaters!”
So on point, Spinach. The OW texted me. Just once, said some awful things, (including that he cheated on her too, as if he CAN cheat on the gf that he has on the side of his wife) then immediately apologized for bothering me.
Two things here:
One, I didn’t respond. I held on to “if it feels good, don’t do it” with all my strength, because god knows I REALLY wanted to respond. I also knew that not replying would bug her the most. So that fueled my determination not to give her a kibble.
Two, he then told me that he told her to text me because she had been threatening it for a long time. They had been carrying on for 3 years before I found out, and I found out because he told me. (These texts came much later, but I have to guess that when she was urging him to leave his family, she threatened to tell me if he didn’t. )
Gotta say, he did a lot of shitty things, some so much bigger than saying “go ahead AP, text my wife”, but that one really stung despite being so benign in comparison to all the other fuckery And I am sure he LOVED it. The only thing that would have felt better is if the 2 of us women started fighting over text. So I am doubly glad I didn’t say boo.
Cheaters love to lie. At first, I believed the cheater because well, trust. Then one day, I found the first piece of evidence that his solo trip was not going to be solo. Then I found photos and videos (his home-made porn with Schmoopie that he accidently put in my son’s shared photo account). I downloaded the videos and photos. Son found them as well. The sad thing when I confronted the cheater, he told me that was not him. I did not believe it but when he told me how awful I had treated him, I believed it and even did six weeks’ worth of RIC. It was during that time when I was being pushed to take half the blame for the affair (oh and others before that too that I found out about later), that I realized everything he was saying was a lie. I took all the evidence and got a lawyer and freed myself from living with lies and a FW.
Life is better on this side, I have never been healthier and am very happy. Have NC with cheater just glad I am away from his toxic mess. I am currently dating a fellow chum and I am learning what a healthy and reciprocal relationship is.
So when he left I was trying to win him back for some crazy reason and he said “you lose nothing from this. It’s not like you had my affection “
100 percent! I lost nothing. Once divorced he had to watch our son every other weekend – so I got a bit of a break. And he was finally forced to contribute financially. (I was the one paying for everything for our son)
He was never a partner to me and now that I’m remarried – it really sinks in how much better things are with a real invested partner
The hope for any truth lives happily in my unicorn stable.
Okay here’s a gross one…
My husband talked about my body all the time. It was over the top and it made me uncomfortable. In particular he loved certain bits and once he said, “Your p is so beautiful, and believe me I would know.” I thought it was a weird comment at the time but after DDay it all became clear because he’d actually seen so many p’s he was confessing that he was some kind of an expert 🤮
Wow!
ExFW said to me out of the blue once, “I knew you were the only one I was ever going to have kids with.” We were probably on year 20 of our marriage had three kids and had been together since I was 19 and he was 21. WTH . I said, “I better be the only person you have kids with!” Smug sly smirk in reply.
Folks, he continuously cheated for 30 years. I am thankful that no other children were produced to my knowledge. He must’ve kept it wrapped. Child support is so unfair and tedious, as you know.
OMG! I had mostly forgotten, but my Ex FW said the exact same thing multiple times. 🤢
It was 2 weeks after Dday, 2 years ago. We were on our first vacation together since Covid and my illness. I Had been looking forward to the vacation for months, that was until I was blindsided by a Dday I never expected. I was still blaming myself trying to wrap my head around everything.
We were sitting on the beach and she said “I will move out for a while and then I will move back”. I was happy to hear this. It was followed by “but we will not being sleeping together together. For a woman to sleep with a man she needs to feel something, and I feel nothing for you.”
That was devastating to hear. It was/is the only truthful thing I believe she has ever said to me.
That woman is like staring int an abyss…
Sorry that’s a lie. She doesn’t feel anything for anyone.
Maybe I am kidding myself, but I truly believe after seeing so much of this is that most of them just don’t have the capacity to feel that a normal person does.
You are correct. A normal person would feel terrible guilt and shame after doing the things they do. They are disordered. They don’t have the capacity to love. They don’t feel much. When I finally, finally realized that my ex took pleasure in the cruelty, is when I knew I had to end it.
WAY before Dday when I was simply living a life with a mean asshole and had no idea why he was so mean, I told a friend (one of the few male friends I had…Im glad he didnt get mad at me for saying this) that “I dont think men have the capacity to love”. Cheater was the only husband I had ever had, so my sample was n=1. Im glad that life has shown me that there are men (at least the one I married) who can love.
During our first Divorce hearing, Ex-Mrs LFTT’s Barrister went on and on about how Ex-Mrs LFTT wasn’t in a relationship with her AP and that how I needed to get over myself; he finished off with a definitive statement to the effect that the AP was “merely a gentleman friend of Mrs LFFT who takes her out to dinner on occasion.”
I resisted the temptation to state that AP was no gentleman and that it was a lot more than dinner that was going on here ……. but imagine the moment during our next hearing when my Barrister produced a screenshot of Ex-Mrs LFTT public Facebook profile. This showed that she was in a relationship with her AP and had been from the month that she walked out on the kids an I. None of this was news to me, but this did not land well with either Ex-Mrs LFTT’s Barrister (who found out that his cheating lying client had been – clutches pearls – lying to him) or the Judge (who didn’t like being lied to).
The truth comes out at the oddest of moments.
LFTT
LFTT,
I would like to say “wow, I can’t believe they lied in court when the evidence was right there on FACEBOOK and easily pulled up!” But I can believe it, because these cheaters are idiots.
My father’s siblings abandoned their mother in the later years of her life and refused to take her calls. They magically reappeared when they’d heard she was dying and sued my father for guardianship so they could get their hands on Grandma’s estate. Keep in mind we’re talking about an old lady who had been surviving off food stamps and didn’t have a pot to piss in.
Anyway, so my poor father had to go to court and listen to his siblings lie about how he’s allegedly abusing their mother and won’t let them see her. They kept pulling the most ridiculous allegations out of their asses even when we easily refuted them because we had the receipts.
Then one week we discover my aunt had been recording all her phone calls and submitted 800 pages of the transcripts to the court, as if it was some “gotcha” proving what an asshole my dad was. The first 15 pages included confessions from my aunt that she’d been abusing her mother for years, plus other stuff contradicting all the lies she’d been telling the court. Because she’s an idiot.
The best part is my dad warned his lawyer that his sister would do something like this, but his lawyer refused to believe it: “She wouldn’t be that stupid.”
Days later, my aunt submitted the transcripts and the lawyer called my dad back and said, “I owe you an apology.”
SortofOverIt,
“Cheaters are idiots” is the understatement of the century. I have lost count of the number of pointless and easily disprovable lies that Ex-Mrs LFTT told …. one that springs to mind was her trying to pin an empty vodka bottle on our eldest daughter (then 18). The fact that eldest daughter would never drink room temperature vodka and that Ex-Mrs LFTT’s lipstick was smeared around the top of the bottle told me everything I needed to know.
Eldest daughter (who is sometimes more clearsighted than I am) summed it up brilliantly when she said “I think that Mum hasn’t just got stupid recently … I think that she was always this stupid and we just failed to notice.”
LFTT
I’m doing all the things with her I wanted to do with you. Well I, didn’t want him to give up his business, buy two campers or junk vehicles. Nor did I want to move to a landlocked oppressive 55+ community of 80 year old neighbors without being a snowbird. I didn’t want to move multiple times from one dump to another due to having my apartment condemned.
I said NO to ridiculous unnecessary spending. The truth was sitting right there all the time. Getting sucked into the fantasy she willingly allowed him to make decisions and ‘do’ all the things he wanted. Stuck with it is an understatement. Thank God I filed.
I wish I knew. He had lied so much, I just don’t know how I would tell. At the time of hell there were a couple things he said that I really wanted to be true. But, doubtful.
I honestly think he was flailing and just saying whatever shit he could to destroy me, and in his mind make it easier walk away. What it did to me never mattered. I don’t think for the last two month that we were together he even saw me as a human being. Just a punching bag.
I guess the only truth I could put my finger on was in his letter of “apology”. It was a joke, and the only reason I believe he wrote it was to get me to manipulate me. The first line was “I don’t know I I acted like a dirt bag” And only half of that was true, he knew why; (because he was a dirt bag) but I guess he did at least admit he was a dirt bag. Kind of.
I never responded to that letter.
He said, in a very rare moment of clarity and truthfulness, “you’re right, it is all my fault”. This is after he gave ridiculous reasons for having cheated on me, and I said, “no, you cheated because you chose to.” He had the sadz face too, exactly like that kitten in the meme lol. Then the next morning he was back to his usual manipulative, spiteful, verbally abusive ways.
Mine said this, too… Technically it’s not a lie, but it wasn’t said for your benefit, or because they actually feel that way. Mine said it as a means of placating me, so I’d “get over it” quicker. Like a whole, “but-I-admitted-it-was-my-fault-why-are-you-still-upset” kind of thing. And, they always go back to the manipulating, lying, abusive, cheating bullshit once they realize it didn’t work. It costs them so little to say a couple of words they don’t really believe when the potential reward is you thinking you got some sort of admission of their guilt (that they don’t really have.) It’s the cheater way of trying to giving you just enough to keep you on the hook.
When I discovered communications with women they all just ended in a peck kiss according to him. Laughable!!. Even when he married the last one. He said they only peck. I guess some how that he thinks that makes him not as bad? It’s ridiculous. As I found out more he said, you will never see the same again. When asked what he saw in his new wife, he said. She just lets me be. I believe that. As long as he bankrolls her and her kids he is just in the background existing. Pathetic non self reflective life. They have to be the hero. Lots of ego stroking needed!!
In-between D-Days, after he spent an hour making fun of me, criticizing me, making me feel really unloved, I asked him what good quality did I have? He said ‘You’re a good loser’
Mine said to our counselor…She was loyal! ( maybe like Lassie?)
My thoughts for newbies…put all these hurtful things said to you on paper. As you read them back to yourself,ask your beautiful soul..
Do I accept and deserve being talked to and treated like that? I turned into a scribe with both my cheaters and going back in my journal when I began to get weak and not trust that they are awful and low characters. This kept me a believer and I could get through 2 divorces knowing I could be much kinder to myself than anyone else.
When I’d made it clear I’d done my investigations and she understood she had no way to explain everything away, she said: “I’ve become the thing I always said I’d never be. I’m a cheater . . . I’m a cheater.”
I just let those words hang in the air. I didn’t hug her or say “we can get through this” or pat her on the head. I just stood there, as if to say “And? . . . what are you going to do about it?”
She didn’t take my silence well. That was Day 1 of the Rage Channel Ramp Up.
Mine did this too. After all the semi-fake crying and crap, I asked her “what happened to you? You aren’t the woman I started this relationship with. You’re the one you always claimed to hate.” She acted all horrified like she didn’t just spend months convincing herself that it was okay before saying that she was a cheater… All I said was, “Yes you are. Just like you said you never could be. Guess what? Now you can never NOT be one.” Slept in my RV for 2 months…
There were several but one time in particular when we were being intimate (after having several drinks) and she asked me how I liked being with an older woman. I am four years older and I said “what?” I’m older than you she said no “I’m older” and then seemed to realize her mistake and said “oh, that’s right – you’re older”. Her AP is roughly 4 years younger. Needless to say that killed the moment.
Yikes! And oops!
It’s more what one of my kids said about their dad recently than anything my ex ever 1/10000000 revealed to me….that has stuck with me. “It seems like Dad just goes through the motions, like he’s deeply unhappy & only has brief moments of happy”. Interesting thing for my kid to say now considering Schmoopie was supposedly his “twu wuv” & she “made him happier”. I replied to my kid “that seems really sad doesn’t it?” My kid replied “ya it really does”. FW still hasn’t figured out true happiness doesn’t come from external sources, but from us being alright with ourselves. I have a sneaky suspicion he ever will.
x is a killjoy, a buzzkill , no matter how good things were.
thanks for the reminder. sour sad sausage.
*he never will
Mine told me to “expect nothing from him except money.” It was a month before DDay. And truly nothing has been more truthful.
He also said if he’s happy everyone is happy… this was after DDay. 🙄
There were lots of those, so I’ll post only a partial list.
“I just wanted you GONE!”
(Shouting);”I DON’T LOVE YOU!
(Sneering); “I’m sick of hearing about your health problems. I don’t care about your health.”
The context of this was him asking me to do something and me explaining that I could not because I was not feeling well enough. He acted like I had bitched about it, which I had not. I just politely stated my reasons. I never complained about such things to him, as it was obvious he did not care. So his statement that he did not care was demonstrably true and was not, as he later tried to claim, just said out of frustration. At other times he complained that I didn’t talk to him about my health issues and said I should. Such a bizarre person. Living inside his head must be like having an unpleasant carnival ride you can’t get off of.
(Coldly);”You’re used up. I wanted a new toy.”
(Shouting again) “YOU ARE JUST AS CAPABLE OF DOING IT AS ME!”
Again, this was in reference to a task he had promised to do, then reneged and tried to get me to do it. It involved moving heavy things and I suffer from chronic pain, so his statement about my capability was flat out ridiculous. He used incidents like this to complain to OW and his buddies that I was lazy.
Once I asked him to please put his laundry away which was all over the bed and I wanted to lie down. He always insisted on doing his own laundry himself, the one chore he ever did. His response;
What?! I don’t have to put my laundry away! Stop being so controlling!” There was a haughty emphasis when he said the word I, as if he was a king and I was a peon.
With all of these, he apologized after he realized how bad he looked. He claimed he didn’t mean those things and didn’t know why he said them. But I knew he meant them.
I’m so relieved to be free of King Fuckwit. In addition to the mental health relief, the house is much easier to keep clean without his piggish habits and hoarding tendencies. For example, when he started hanging around with a buddy who was into bikes, the idiot got 4 expensive bikes, all pretty much identical. He would claim his latest bike was too heavy and wasn’t fast enough in order to justify buying another. Meanwhile, I had a beat up bike that was 15 years old. He would also hoard things like old magazines, books and floppy discs he’d had since his college days. He had drawers full of never used headphones, phone cords, strings of wire, and other junk. Our basement and garage were completely full of useless crap. Just before I left he tried to get me to help him clear them out. I laughed and off I went. I’ve heard he’s still trying to clear it out, years later. Smh.
OHFFS, I was NC with my crazy, alcoholic, cheater father for the last 20 years of his life. When he died, I attended the funeral, and the executor then allowed me to remove some family heirlooms from his property (he left his estate to his church.)
He was living on a piece of land in a rural county in Texas, in a manufactured home that was falling apart. There were 5 2 story storage buildings on the property. I found the things I was looking for in the first one, so I didn’t personally see the inside of all of the buildings. I was told the other buildings were full of junk.
But in the one I was in, there were crazy things like big family sized cans of food (he lived alone), and boxes of things he inherited from my grandmother. I think he literally just kept moving the boxes around with him from house to house the last 20 years of his life.
Thank goodness I wasn’t the executor and didn’t have to deal with it!
My ex is a hoarder too.
I am sure the cheating to hoarding connection is simply entitlement. Entitled to make a mess, to take up space, to not clean up after themselves, to only do what is easy and fun.
My FW is a bit of a hoarder too… also wants the latest new thing all the time. Never made happy by what he already has.
I don’t think it’s entitlement. I think they use things and people to fill their endless, empty, void.
“I think they use things and people to fill their endless, empty, void.”
Yes, that’s what it is. Love your screen name btw.
I agree about the entitlement. My XH had the habit of shopping for those things you need (not a hoarder) and he loved to run shopping errands for me. He’d come home, put all the bags on the kitchen table, and go watch TV. Nevermind if I was cooking & ready to put a meal down for hungry kids.
I did learn to speak up and ask him to come put the groceries away. That’s when I’d feel like I did something wrong- I guess it was his body language. If it was his stuff, I’d just quietly put the bags in his office.
My son is going to inherit several pieces of property filled with horde. When the time comes I hope I’ll be around to hand him a match if he asks me how to deal with it.
I also will be helping my kids with a hoard.
If they hoard they probably have OCPD as well as NPD.
My ex was doing “some” confessing and said that, he and OW were having dinner at the hotel they had a room and the “OW’s” husband came and took her away. The kicker he said he just finished his meal walked up to the bar and picked another woman!! Serial cheater-addicted!
FW: “I don’t want to be married”
(Very very very long pause)
“to a fat disgusting woman like you”.
First part was truth, second part was mindfuckery. #FUCKHIM
I got “I should have divorced you the first time you got fat!”
My life-long weight issues and crippling anxiety used to stab me in the heart. I still can’t look at myself in the mirror.
I got something similar. I am so sorry.
My guess is that he wasn’t exactly a prime specimen of man. Talk about grasping at straws. Fuck. Him.
“The only thing I care about is being liked. I want to be liked so badly that I will say and do absolutely anything to make someone like me. But it’s lonely, because nobody really knows who I am.”
[Long pause.]
“Worth it, though. Being liked is the most important thing in the world.”
Might be only true thing she ever said to me.
My ex has an unhealthy need to be “liked,” even by toxic people, which just leads to poor choices so they’ll like him. Also an utter inability to set healthy priorities. I was expected to make my needs smaller & smaller so I could do whatever he needed me to do to “be liked” by whoever he was trying to impress at the moment.
Mine is the same! My son and I used to feel bad for him because his parents and family used to only bother with him when they wanted something, and would make a Joey of him, but ignore him the rest of the time, even on his birthday! Not even text! I would try over and over again to encourage him to set reasonable boundaries, and to remind him he didn’t even have to answer his phone if he didn’t want, as he had a mute button on it, but no, he’d always either jump for them, or make excuses! He just didn’t have the moral courage to say NO without lying!
Then he started letting non-family members make a Joey of him, and at our expense on many occasions. It has occurred to me that he can’t set reasonable boundaries with entitled, exploitative people, and the more toxic they are, the more he’ll bend over for them. He is more than willing to shove me and even my son into the ditch for scummy users, and doesn’t care how much it angers nor upsets us, nor how much problems it causes us, because WE’RE not exploitative, not entitled and we’re certainly NOT bloody well toxic! Even if I was boiling mad, I’d get over it and let it go, so he wasn’t afraid that I would make him pay- until I did by booting him out and telling him I want a divorce of course, lol!
Therefore I’ve concluded, he doesn’t deserve genuine, decent people like us in his life and if he only ever has people round him who want him for their Joey, that’s his problem, because he chose people like that over us far too many times! He’s a coward!
This was my parents…my mom would throw me under a bus if she thought it would make someone like her more.
Oh yes, I relate to this so much. My fuckwit would often shame me for liking/ believing/ enjoying certain things, because she thought that my enjoyment of them would make HER look bad.
But the moment she met someone who liked the same stuff, suddenly she LOVED that stuff, had always loved it, and what’s wrong with you Dracaena, why would you even bring that up, don’t you know this is who I AM? Guh.
When dating, he told me about a movie he saw with an actress who “looked so good in that little nightgown with her perfect tiny breasts”. (I have rather large breasts, which made the comment awkward and hurtful. I let it slide at the time, because I felt a lot of peer pressure to be “sex positive” — a term which has been twisted and weaponized – along with so many others — to coerce good people into stretching beyond our consent so we won’t “seem prudish”.)
Years later, the discovery that he wasn’t asexual at all, he just preferred his constant high speed stream of significantly hebephilic porn and his own hands, because he could maintain extreme novelty via his own control without any messy complicated human respect for my feelings, desires, or needs.
Now that my BS meter is upgraded and well maintained, comments like that inspire the result they should — with zero remorse.
I’m not prudish. I’m also not interested in throwing myself around like I don’t matter. I’m selective and I’m clear on what I do and don’t want. It’s reasonable to wait to share deeply until I’ve confirmed my interests and needs are compatible with the other person’s. That’s not prudish. It’s wise.
I’m a proud prude, lol! Well, in fairness, I was no nun before I committed to FW but I always had certain lines I refused to cross; never had any complaints but had a fair few compliments!
TBH, I reckon all that “sex-positive” stuff is to manipulate people, mainly women, into not sticking to their boundaries, and letting men push them past their limits, eventually getting them doing things that are actually degrading to the woman.
When I am wondering what type of women these FWS betray us for, the line “She lets me do things to her you wouldn’t do to a farmyard animal! ” from a character in The Royale Family talking about his “little tart”, comes to mind.
sex positive=women allowing themselves to be degraded
Mostly, yes. There are some groups who use it in a truly positive, consent-centric, acceptance-of-others-consensual-choices sort of way. But that seems more the rarity than the norm these days. Narcissists love to appropriate anything good from those they wish to dominate and twist it in their favor, like the gaslighters they are.
While whining that I don’t walk outside when I see him there alone and comfort him because, “there is nothing inside. I’m empty.”
My brain agreed. That was one of his first slips
“The only connection I have to that house are my clothes in the closet.” He was very angry and was trying to intimidate me. The kids were standing by the window making sure I was safe.
My thought was no shit. You’ve shown us that repeatedly. your wife and kids live here and you have zero connection. He used it as a pit stop. I never ever touched his clothes after that statement. He could connect them off the floor or chair into the washer and dryer his self. I was not going to fold his underwear for him to drop them for prostitutes or girlfriend of the day. Fuck that!
“I was never going to leave you.” This after he blamed me for his cheating.
Another no shit thought. I was a perfectly controlled compliant appliance. He severely underestimated me.
“I’m never going to leave this house but I’ll move you and the kids out and I’d better not come home to an empty house.” This was the end of a conversation where I told him to move out and go to a dr, therapist or counselor. Nothing to work with. I was working with the women’s shelter at this point and once agin he severely underestimated me. We developed a plan and I moved us out in the middle of the night as safe as I could. He came home to a half empty house. He cried that it echoed when he walked in and his dog was sad walking through looking for us. That gave me the yucks.
I was so worn from marriage policing and pick me dancing and asked what he wanted from me because I really didn’t know. He responded with, “ when I walk through the door I want to see you on your hands and knees scrubbing the floor and you to immediately suck my dick.”
I was stunned with a WTF in my head. THIS is what you want? THIS is how you want to treat me? He’s very wealthy and entitled so I’m sure he was used to controlling others to fill his fantasies. Fuck that!
Wow.
Makes me feel better that my ex used to say “Things have to change around here!” but would never specify how. Given his once asking me if I could suck my own nipple (and thus revealing his porn habit) the answer might have been something like you heard.
So sorry you had to experience that. Glad you’re out.
Does he think you have a tongue like Gene Simmons, of the band Kiss ?
Maybe he thought my breast was like that old toy Stretch Armstrong!
Truth bomb.
Sick.
Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Seriously, there’s a lot of “ew!” in this conversation, but Informal may have won the prize.
During wreckonciliation (don’t do it, new chumps!), marriage counseling, etc., I was badgering him with the question of “why?” one night. After I dismantled all the standard FW answers by providing examples of all the ways I had, in fact, been supportive, loving, sexually engaged, etc., he finally got the shark eyes look and said,
“Because I knew she would ask less of me and be fine with it.”
That was the turning point for me internalizing that the OW is not better, she’s just easier.
I got “She understands my situation!” .
What that “situation” was I’m not sure; that he’s married and thus, a cheat? That he’s a drug addict? That he’s become an alkie as well? That he’s a self-pitying wreck of a middle-aged failure who is blaming everyone but himself and mainly blaming me?
She must have been VERY understanding! Much more than the wicked old witch he married anyway, lol!
Cheater:
“I lied to you every day for 2 and a half years.”
“You’re psychologically stronger than I.”
“You got everything.”
“Over the years, I know I was chronically depressed, moody and often had an unpleasant look on my face.”
“I fully understand that infidelity is abusive in and of itself.”
“I made a bad mistake.”
“New untested love might not last.”
“You’ll have so much of your old life than I will.”
Oof. So much truth!
So much truth…and all in the service of the sad sausage narrative. Poor, poor him.
Exactly. Poor, poor pitiful me. (Apologies to Linda Ronstadt).
It’s in keeping with these questions that he asked me shortly after D-day? “Will the kids even come to my funeral?” AND “Do I deserve to live?”🤦🏻♀️. Standing there holding the pin to the grenade, he bemoaned the wreckage. No self-awareness.
This is a repeat of my post yesterday. My ex was/still is abusive. He would go in rage filled rants, while scary, there were some confessions in them. One example, I asked him “Why her?”. He had NEVER acknowledged the affair with Howorker before even though he flaunted it all over our small town. In his rant to me, yelling and screaming, being intimidating, he said “She does what I tell her to.” My response, “Of course she does what she tells you to! She’s an employee!” With that kind of attitude and statement, that is a huge, waving red flag! Good luck Howorker, now Wifetress. If you don’t do what he tells you to do, that will be his excuse to cheat again. 🤷♀️
Yup Howorker was a younger female whom he mentored. She was a subordinate. He said he liked the fact that she listened to him, was interested in what he said and she did what he asked, and looked up to him. I said yeah but shes getting paid to do all that, its part of her job description and she needs to flatter you up so you will teach her. Doofus had a few female mentees. He liked to talk about what a great guy he was mentoring minorities aka women. Turns out 70% of law school and all professional schools are women these days. His company did not consider white women minorities. They restructured his company and they put him with a different group in a different building. I have a feeling his former boss was separating them.
We were watching something on Netflix that had sex workers as some of the characters. He said, out of the blue and with much bitterness, “I don’t think whores even actually like having sex all that much.” Turns out he came to this conclusion through personal experience. I knew it as soon as he said it, though it would be some time before I had concrete proof.
Yes! No little girl has ever said “i want to be a prostitute when I grow up!”
FW argued with me when I said that sex workers are trafficked, it is basically modern day slavery and anyone who visits them is condoning this. He liked to fancy himself a champion of women.
He used to subject me to near daily lectures about how sexually inadequate I was. I didn’t do it enough, didn’t want it enough, and when I did do it I supposedly wasn’t enthusiastic enough. This, he said, was making him miserable. It was destroying his self esteem and making it so he couldn’t get a job or a degree for the past 20 years. It was ruining his life.
I asked him a question I had asked many times before: “exactly how many times a week would make you happy?” Usually he would side step that question to keep me trying to chase an invisible goal post, but to my surprise that day he actually answered, “Three times a day or more. Honestly, I’d like to find out what the upper limit is.”
And that is the story of the day I decided to call my lawyer.
Ugh I asked my Fw the same question about the sex, after he had told me we weren’t doing it enough and that he needed ore to feel close. He said every day, and I compromised and agreed to every other day. We did that for five years and he would get mad at me for “not acting in the mood.” No shit, I spend my days looking after a 2 and 4 year old. Last thing I want to do some nights is sex but I was abiding by the schedule. Apparently it took a toll on him and he found someone more enthusiastic, a married coworker with two young kids of her own.
3 TIMES A DAY??? Ain’t nobody got time for that!!!
And you’d have a bastard of a sore fanny within the week as well! Ouch!
Ouch is right ! Hello urinary tract infection…
one more:
Cheater: “I’m not the person you thought I was.”
#understatement
Mine said “You have no idea who I really am.”
Yep.
Yes, I heard that one too. His other great line on DDay #1 was “well, now we can have an open marriage…”
We already had an open marriage, but I was not informed about it until that day! So glad that I am out.
Ha! If you had said, “Okie dokie, FW, let’s have an open marriage! I’m all for it!” He would have lost his fucking mind. Especially when you could have out-opened him 5-0 on the first day!
And this:
Cheater: “You’re right in saying that I should have immediately told you about what was happening. I didn’t have the courage or foresight to do so.”
Yup.
The night he asked me for a divorce (after our “trial” separation), “Lying is an instinct to me. I want to be with someone for whom honesty isn’t as important.”
Well then! Go right ahead. I was shocked, but really, those words were a gift. Otherwise who know how long I would have been begging & pleading for a lousy spouse to stay (and become a not-lousy spouse, which would have been asking the sky to turn green).
During the devaluation and discard, he told me “you bring me no value”. It has stuck with me, not for what he was saying (I totally brought him value), but by what he meant. It didn’t hurt because it truly was one of the only true things he had ever said to me and I had known this man since 1983. During the divorce, the things he spewed at me were meant to hurt me because he was hurting, but the “no value” statement was his truth. It helps me understand what a complete narcissist Asshat is which helps me put our relationship in perspective and stops me searching for any deeper meaning. We had a purely transactional relationship, although I did not know that for over 25 years. I do now, so that’s how I will treat any interaction we have in the future, on my terms and what I can get from him as he’s getting nothing from me, including no reactions from hoovers.
He’s never admitted he had a sexual affair, even when he sent a text to me and the kids stating “I loved sleeping with you”. When he told me they only “slept” together–no sex, it was like he was trying the lie out loud for the first time to see how ridiculous it sounded. I hope he used that one on the kids. Ridiculous.
“You could have been anyone” (like I felt so special at the time I found out our entire relationship was a lie)
“I don’t think I know how to love” (and yet I still tried to figure out how it could work for a few months more)
I was told I had “served my purpose”. That I had done well with the children and helped him through his career but he wanted someone that ate like he did and like the same music! Probably the most honest statement he made in our 30 years together. I had served his purpose and he was ready to discard me for his next supply of which he already had lined up. It was the statement that punched me in the gut but brought clarity to our relationship and who he was. I would classify him as a covert narcissist but didn’t learn what that was until I began healing. Doing well now and living my best life serving God’s purpose.
That statement makes me so angry however I think you heard the real root thought these disordered individuals have about us. They can yell, blame, give any excuse in the world but the unsaid “Served a purpose” is what they mean in the end. You actually got to hear it and gain clarity.
I pounded a lot of nails in that marriage coffin. I wish he’d of said that to begin with because I’d like to think it would have stopped me cold from any dancing and policing. He was saying that through his actions but it took me too much time to interpret, decipher, and take action.
We were cuddled up after an intimate moment, and he whispered, “I own you.” Then tried to play it off as a joke. A few hours later, I discovered his sex video chats with other women and left him, abruptly and permanently. True to form, he did behave as if he owned me after my departure, and it took two protective court orders to get him to leave me alone. So glad to be done with all that.
The classic when we were separated long-distance, “If I cheat, it will be your fault.” As if I could magically fly across the miles and unzip his pants for him? It also assumed that human beings can’t control themselves which is just sad. I related that statement one time to my twelve-step group sponsor, and she said, “Then why be married at all?” True.
Later, during negotiations, his attorney told mine that he didn’t want to go to trial with his client because of having to deal with the adultery issue and the problems he was having with his client, including my husband’s flaring mental health issues. I don’t know the details because his attorney was oversharing with mine, but my attorney said that addressing that in discovery and with a PI would be a must if it went to trial. In my state, that’s still a for-cause issue before a judge.
Thankfully, we settled though, and I didn’t have to sit through hearing the details in court.
“I am a terrible person.” Said with much self-pity and waiting for refutation from me (which didn’t happen). May be the only true thing he told me.
I got the “I’m just a bad person” line as well.
Who talks like that?
Cheaters, evidently. I got the same.
Oh, yes, I got the sadz face with “I’m a bad person” in the days immediately following DDay. I told him that was a cop out and I didn’t accept it. I said that being a bad person wasn’t a get-out-of-jail-free card to explain away his almost-decade of infidelities. I was very busy trying to untangle the skein at that point and wanted to know WHY and this was one of his reasons.
Also, of course, I was no longer attractive to him, I had sexual hangups (I don’t think I do), I have a bad temper, I am too emotional, he just didn’t know, etc. But I heard “I’m a bad person” several times until my response above and then never again.
Hard to tell looking back if it was truth or just verbal vomit to hurt me, but I did get these:
I cheated because I wanted to.
I like feeling like I’m saving women.
I like having all the attention.
I never liked being married and a father.
Sex distracts me from boredom.
I want to fk everyone.
I need someone who wants to fk strangers too.
I tried to f**k my dog as a teen.
I tried to rape our maid as a teen.
My emergence from heavy brain fog enabled me to see that ending this farce marriage of 30 years probably was dodging a bullet. I realize now he was not only a liar, cheater, alcoholic and abuser, but probably also sexually deviant.
The last two in the list are frightening, but this one — “I like feeling like I’m saving women” — is hilarious. Dude, please. Women don’t need a psychopathic to the rescue. (Or anyone to the rescue, really.)
“I tried to f**k my dog as a teen.
I tried to rape our maid as a teen.”
😱🤮
Here are the two that really stand out to me.
“I’m NOT a good Dad.”
“This is all my fault.”
So true. So very, very true.
I asked him whether he actually thought he could keep his gay double-life a secret forever, and he said “I just figured it would all come out after I was dead.”
You know, because that way he wouldn’t ever face the devastation he’d wreaked on his loved ones, and avoiding a trace of discomfort is worth it.
The absolute disregard for you is astonishing.
I experienced the same thing from my closeted trans spouse, who said, at one point, “I wish I’d never told anyone.” (He only told three people, in this order: the ex-student, me, his sister.) I realized then that he would have been perfectly happy for me to go through life wondering what was wrong with my marriage and trying to fix it, and blaming myself. Definitely one of the moments that told me I had nothing to work with.
I asked FW why he had been on FB for the past 10 years and had blocked me that whole time letting me believe he did not have an account. He said, “I don’t know. I guess I was angry.”
WTF.
Yes, people. He was “angry” so he created a virtual life where I don’t exist and it’s just him and his high school friends and workplace gal pals yukking it up on the daily. He went there to post pictures of his kids and his life where I don’t exist. My son (21) says I am overreacting. Sorry son, this is not about you. (Also, PS. Since I confronted FW he has disappeared from social media as far as I can tell. What a moron!)
There are so many personal reasons it is a betrayal to me. He would not be nice to me or care about me in real life, but here he was on FB being such a buddy to countless rando women. It makes me sick. He is that cowardly that he has to make a secret online life where he can “be himself.” To me, that is the tip of the sicko iceberg. I don’t want to know what all is happening below the surface.
A decade or more of him treating me with contempt and coldness and then I see him online giving hearts and I see the phone bill with long conversations and multiple all day texts with women he is helping with their careers. FW, when did you ever ask about my career? When did you engage with your kids? Clean up the house? Pay the bills. Make me a cup of coffee even?
FW is too cowardly to make any changes IRL. So he went into his secret sicko basement where he can “be himself.” Dumbass.
I listened to a podcast about emotional affairs and it said the person who seeks emotional affairs is doing so because they can’t/won’t engage with their partner. It’s easy to be a buddy to someone over text or FB!!! You don’t have to put on a clean shirt or do any real work like helping your kid fill out the FAFSA or cleaning the litter boxes! It makes me so angry. I did so much work so that he had free time to sit around and text these fuckin rando women and be their buddy.
I have a lawyer now. I am doing the divorce thing. I wish I had done it sooner. One of my kids is dealing with depression and substance abuse. He won’t leave the house or go to therapy or get a job. We argue almost every day. He says he wants to kills himself. He is verbally abusive to me. He is supposed to go back to college in the fall, but he doesn’t put much interest into registering. All of this cowardly passive aggressive BS—That’s what he learned from living for 21 years with his dumbass father. Thanks stupid useless dad!
DrDr, I’m so sorry to hear about your son’s depression and substance abuse. My heart goes out to you. (My daughter’s life ground to a halt for a while in her late teenage years because of severe agoraphobia, and your “he won’t leave the house” resonated for me. It’s heartbreaking, for a parent!) I hope your son figures out soon that he needs some help. Take care.
Thanks Leedy. I’m glad your daughter is doing better!
DrDr I was impressed with your description of your STBX and then I got to the heartbreaking part of your letter.
I had a similar situation. When I was considering divorce, our son, who has high functioning autism, was struggling with the transition to community college. He started drinking Everclear, to pass out, and he started getting MJ from kids (it wasn’t legal in our state). When he threatened to jump off a bridge, I took him to the hospital.
During this time, FW only helped if I asked, or told, him to do something. It became clear that FW was checked out. It also became clear that I had to get counseling for myself. My son was discharged from the psych unit & spent months on the couch doing nothing. He wouldn’t go to counseling or 12 step groups. I began to look at the situation from a safety issue. I was stronger when I focused on issues that affected all of us (me & 2 younger teens) in the home. This gave me more energy & willpower to follow through. He had to go to his medical appointments with me. But if he was safe at home during his free time, not drinking, ok. When he forgot to take his meds, that was a safety issue. I had to start making him take his meds. I had to accept that he probably wouldn’t go to college. My dreams for that son died. And I had to accept him where he was at that point in time, and go from there.
I felt I like I was giving up on him at times. I also felt selfish at other times, trying to continue a life for myself. (I felt guilty going to a sewing group and a book club, both just once a month!) I mean, moms put their kids needs first, right? But in order for me to help anyone, I had to accept reality, get help for myself, and not try so hard to “fix” a 22 year old who has substance abuse problems.
For me, it turned out ok, as that son actually had worse medical issues & when that was diagnosed, things got better. And we all got better when I separated from FW. We could all live in reality.
It’s so hard to go through this stuff.
Hi UpAndOut, thanks for your kind response.
I am sorry to hear about your son, but glad you are all doing better. It’s really hard to have a FW who is so checked out of their kids’ lives. My STBX FW clutches his pearls when I tell him how our son is acting. But then does NOTHING about it. No surprise. He was the same when he lived here. Which is why our son is struggling now. No real father figure in his life. Son is in pain. Son uses substances to numb. Feels like a loser and hopeless. These are all internal thoughts that son could replace with positive thoughts, but he doesn’t because he is so down. Feels abandoned. Blames me—I’m here after all.
I am going to therapy. I am praying. I am trying to be the sane parent. I love my kids and I do my best to show them that. I know it feels selfish to do something for yourself like join a club or go to dinner with a friend. But you have to fill your cup too! You can’t down yourself to save someone who is drowning.
I will continue to suggest to my son that he: 1. get a PT job, 2. finish his degree, 3. go to therapy. Thanks again and I am sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes! It’s a great help to be able to come here and share this stuff anonymously. Thanks CN and CL!!
I’m so sorry DrDr. I don’t have any practical advice about the best way to help your son that doesn’t want help. I don’t know if any of the other chumps with addiction experience (Velvet Hammer maybe) have any insight into how to try approaching this?
Thank you CurlyChump. I am praying for my son. I don’t know what else to do. Every once in a while I see a little glimmer of himself not being totally down and depressed. It gives me hope that he will come through this.
I haven’t seen any posts from Velvet Hammer in the last few days, which worries me ever so slightly. I hope you’re healthy and happy and just on vacation, VH!
Hi DrDr, it sounds like you are early in this process. I am sorry you are going through this. Both you and your son need support and therapy. My sons were as traumatized as I was about their Dad and what he did and the breakdown of the family unit. You’re fighting with your son cuz you’re scared for him. He doesn’t know how to process this grief and you are in the middle of the trauma too and processing it yourself. One of my sons went to a therapist and went on antidepressants he was so upset. My heart is hurting for your son and you. Please try to be gentle with him and yourself. Know that you both are hurting. Grief recovery is a process. Find outside help for both of you. Huge hugs!!! Keep journaling and talking here.
Thank you Thrive! Every day I beg my son to go to therapy. He won’t budge. Maybe one of these days! Thanks for your kind words and your kind vibes!! I am sending you lots of blessings too!
My son didn’t. But I did. All much better now.
x in the rearview.
Things he said that allowed me either to see behind the mask or in which the mask slipped:
1) about the ex-student with whom he had long been unprofessionally entangled (including while she was his student) and “experimenting” with his gender identity:
“I’m having fun again.”
2) when I was leaving for a weekend to get some distance and perspective:
“While you’re gone I’ll think about what I want from you.”
3) after I told him I was done and was about to leave for six weeks to cat/house sit for out-of-town colleagues, and asked him what he wanted to do about meals in the week interim:
“I realized this benefits me, but I’d like for you to keep doing the cooking.” (Meal planning and shopping, too, of course.)
“While you’re gone I’ll think about what I want from you.”
🤣😂😝🤣😂😝🤣😂😝
What a dumbass loser. What HE wants from YOU?! Good luck with all that thinkin’, fool. 🤣 God, the entitlement! The DELUSION!
I figured out early on that my ex was conflict avoidant and phony. But I still had a few moments after the initial confrontation that cued me in to just how phony he was.
I had plenty of evidence that he’d kept an ex gf around our entire relationship, but i didn’t actually have poof of a physical affair (he didn’t know that). So I decided to throw some simple questions his way to see where he’d start lying, and it was immediate. I asked if he’d kept in touch with any of his exes and after he gasped and stuttered he mentioned having said whore on LinkedIn but claimed he hadn’t spoken to her in years. I knew that was a lie because I’d seen the FB messages, so I asked if he was on FB with her. He said no.
That’s when I knew. He would later admit that his first thought was “OMG what does she know?”.
During another argument I asked him why he married me. He said that he thought I was the best he was ever got to do. He’s right about that but it’s still a shitty thing to say.
He was also good at remembering dates. He’d send me monthly emails for our “anniversary” and get me little gifts. He later said he didn’t mean any of it and thought it was stupid but he did it because he thought it was important. That’s when I knew that our entire relationship was a phony lie and I was never anything more then a pathetic attempt to boost his fragile ego by pursuing someone a lot younger. The irony was that while he liked the phony image I provided….I’m younger, in great shape, and make a lot of money….he was very jealous of me and went out of his way to tear me down.
Whatever, I’m doing great without him and he’s a broke, pathetic old guy with ED and a shitty toupee.
He said he would be a horrible parent. Although he was an OUTSTANDING Uncle.. he is the worst parent. Sigh.
“I’m a terrible person”
“You’ll find a better man”
“If you don’t gain weight for me I’ll cheat on you with a chubby girl”