UBT: Ask Your Spouse Directly If They’ve Been Cheating

lyingrespectPeople send a lot of dumb articles to the Universal Bullshit Translator, so it takes a whole lot of stupid for the UBT to be agog — but this one takes the biscuit. “Here’s how to get definitive proof your partner is cheating” by HuffPo.

You’ll never guess what the secret is — YOU ASK THEM.

I know, I know — forehead slap! I’m sure you guys never thought of that.

It’s time to put these nuggets of revealed wisdom through the UBT. Without further ado.

There’s only one way to know if your partner is cheating: Nope, it’s not by thumbing through their text messages and emails. To really get down to the truth, you have to ask your spouse directly. 

“Instead of becoming a detective and snooping through their phone, consider talking about it,” Elisa Dombrowski, a marriage and family therapist in Orange County, California, told The Huffington Post. “Let them know you can handle the truth and that you believe you can work through anything, as long as there’s honesty.”

There’s only ONE way to know if your partner is cheating? Like, walking in on them doesn’t count? It’s only cheating if they say it’s cheating? Got it.

Try an icebreaker like “Are you fucking escorts at lunch?” or “Lately my penis has been oozing pus. Any idea what that’s about?” And see what they say.

The problem isn’t that they’re doing any thing shady, it’s that you can’t handle the truth. Let them know that really you’re okay with truth! Meet deception with vulnerability! What could possibly go wrong?

Below, Dombrowski and other marriage therapists offer more advice for broaching the delicate subject.

You deserve to know if your partner is faithful. If you have a suspicion that something is amiss in your relationship, don’t ignore the warning signs, Dombrowski said.

Yes, trust your gut and don’t ignore the warning signs. So when you ask him and he stares you straight in the eyes and says, “You know I would never do ANYTHING to hurt you or the kids,” believe him. Stuff those crushing doubts down, down deep into the recesses of your soul. I’m sure he has a very good reason for all that time he spends in the bathroom with his cellphone.

“Some people worry that confronting their partner will force the break up of their relationship,” she said. “They hope it will go away on its own but it’s often this lack of communication that creates distance in the relationship from the beginning, making it easier for an affair to take place.”

Yes, you caused the cheating because of your lack of communication and distance. So bridge that gap — reach out to a timid forest creature today.

Ultimately, you should trust your intuition and broach the subject delicately, she said.

“Too often, we condition ourselves to ignore that tiny voice inside that says something doesn’t feel quite right,” Dombrowski added.

So instead, ignore the screaming voice inside you that doesn’t believe their denial.

Don’t lower yourself to snooping through email or text messages, especially if you’re hopeful your relationship can withstand any possible betrayal, said Stephanie Mintz, a marriage and family therapist in Los Angeles, California.

“Resist the temptation to snoop,” she told HuffPost. “This would be a total breach of trust and privacy on your part and would make rebuilding that trust much more difficult. Although you may suspect your partner or spouse has already broken the trust, you don’t want to add fuel to the fire.”

Yes, looking at your partner’s text messages is a total breach of trust and privacy — unlike fucking other people and endangering your health, which is something you should hope to reconcile with.

Don’t blow it! How could your cheater possibly get over the devastating betrayal of snooping?

Timing is critical when discussing a subject this sensitive, Mintz said. You’ll both need to be in the right frame of mind, so to that end, don’t bring it up at 12 a.m. on a Monday, when you’re both exhausted. (Indeed, studies have shown that the brain’s emotional centers are more reactive when we’re sleep deprived.)

“You don’t want this to be rushed and you don’t want to do it before work, when children are around or with an activity to go to shortly after,” Mintz said. “Wait for an evening after each of you has had some time to unwind from work or a weekend where you don’t have plans for later on in the day.”

Did you walk in on your wife fucking someone else? Now is a BAD TIME to discuss this. Wait until you’ve had a couple refreshing naps by 2027 and quietly broach the subject.

This is bound to be an uncomfortable conversation. You may want to begin the talk by acknowledging how uneasy it makes you, said Todd Creager, a marriage therapist in Orange County, California and the author of The Little Black Book On Infidelity. 

“Let your partner know that you have some uneasy feelings and need him or her to help you sort through them,” he said. “Then go ahead and let your partner know what you are suspicious of or what caused your uneasiness.”

Go ahead and share your suspicions! Give ’em a head start to get that burner phone and start siphoning cash.

Your spouse still may get angry and defensive ― especially if your suspicions are true ― “but you’re cutting down the chances of defensiveness by focusing on yourself and not your partner,” Creager said.

Yes, YOU control the degree of your partner’s defensiveness. So approach with deference and stop making him so angry.

Let your partner know that when you feel uneasy or have an intuition, you owe it to yourself to check it out, Creager said.

“By bringing it up, you are educating your partner that you have integrity,” he said. “Let him or her know that you are owed the truth if nothing else. You deserve to know what is truly going on so that you can make a good decision for yourself.”

Cheaters care a lot about your peace of mind. They care so much that’s why they’re out until 2 a.m. with their cell phones turned off — it’s your peace of mind that they’re thinking of.

And if you demonstrate integrity? They will follow in kind! Moved by your example!

It can be isolating and painful to deal with infidelity. Depending on the answer you receive from your partner, you might consider seeking individual or couples therapy afterward, Dombrowski said.

“You might feel the need to tell friends and family about your partner’s cheating but once the secret is out, you can’t put it back in,” she said. “Friends and family are great but a good therapist can help you decide who your trusted circle of support will be while you are learning to navigate the difficult journey that lies ahead, whatever you decide.”

Friends and family are great, but they know you and love you and their advice comes free. A good therapist charges around $180 per hour and can help you stay in the hellish limbo of reconciliation navigate the difficult journey ahead.

Keep those secrets or you’ll scare your cheater away!

Who can you trust? The therapist who helps you decide who your trusted circle of support is, that’s who! Trust is not something you should leave to amateurs like yourself. You need a professional!

Continue that conversation, chumps.

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ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

This article could easily change its title to, “How to Be a Chump.”

What drivel!

JessiKat
JessiKat
7 years ago

This reminds of Shaquille O’Neal claiming he cheated on his wife because, “There were too many options.” Disgusting rationalization. Here’s the link for laughs https://www.clutchmagonline.com/2011/11/shaq-admits-to-cheating-on-ex-wife-because-of-too-many-options-is-this-true-for-most-men/

Alma Rivera
Alma Rivera
4 years ago
Reply to  JessiKat

I have a question if you suspect and he get really angry what should I think is he

JC
JC
7 years ago

Ah, there at the end–that advice to go to couples counseling.

Wrong.

What other anti-social and cruel behavior asks the victim to go to counseling with the perpetrator?

Domestic abuse?
Addiction?
Sexual harassment?
Assault?
Grand larceny?
Drunk driving?

Nope–only cheating.

Bullshit.

Awakeningdreamer
Awakeningdreamer
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

I was lucky enough to have great counselling, individual and couples.

She ripped him a new one for sabotaging the therapy process by lying to both of our faces.

My IC had me developing my support networks and building me up etc long before the breakup: she had seen the writing on the wall long before I did ?

Kristen
Kristen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Actually, I WAS advised by my pastor to go to counseling with my abusive ex. I did so, and was told that even though I was the one being hit, I had “power” over my spouse and that we both had “work to do.”

That set me up for 20 more years of gaslighting and spackle, a year of post Dday pick me dancing, and zero self esteem.

What the F is wrong with these people? !

lilyrose
lilyrose
7 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Same – almost 10 years of marital counseling was about each of us owning our parts. Of course, I was very introspective about mine, for example when my tone was too cutting during an argument. I always wondered why there wasn’t a line drawn in the sand to focus on physical violence when it was perpetrated. There was talk about how he felt abandoned by me (when I tried to escape our marathon, mind numbing arguments), so he lashed out physically. On the drive home from counseling, I would share my gut that he had crossed a line, then he would remind me of my failures and say we were even.

I am so grateful that his infidelity ultimately plucked me out of the relationship (against my will at the time – I had an iron grip on my dream of what I thought he was/ we were). It took a year for the fog to clear, and in hindsight, I don’t appreciate how marital counseling helped him convince me I was crazy.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  lilyrose

After reading all the stories on here, and knowing people who have gone through marital counseling, I’m almost tempted to say that if you need MC, the marriage is probably not working. Not a single couple I’ve known who has gone through marital counseling has actually gone on to have a viable long-term relationship (though MC may help on a short-term basis). Unless counseling is to improve certain skills, like fair communication or conflict resolution, by the time you’re in dire need of MC, the fissures in a relationship are already near-deadly, or (like most of us) you’re in a relationship with a disordered human being and nothing is going to help.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The deal about therapy is the cheater actually has to be willing to look at their own behaviors and have some insight. This is impossible for narcissists to do. I kept going to counseling because I thought there was something wrong with me for being so jealous of his behavior with his female coworkers. I was indeed codependent, which is what happens when you’re living in a situation you can’t control. Anyway, I did manage to get my husband to a couple of counseling sessions. The only revelations that came out of 2-3 meetings were that he didn’t like my family, and he wished I’d rub his back more often. No efforts to acknowledge any of his behaviors.

Drew
Drew
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Totally agree here. I think a majority of us were married to disordered people. Cheaters are shiny. Over the years I became more and more uneasy with mine (this when we had attained the dream ?: great jobs, beautiful kids, a home, each other?). The disordered sabotage relationships. Cheaters don’t have the same priorities as normal folk. The last few years ex became more argumentative and disengaged (gaslighting) then eventually turned his back on our twenty eight years together to be with “the love of his life.” I actually had the opportunity to see a show on Cheaters the other day, Maury’s, and I’d never seen his. A gal on there said it best, “when you come home to me after a long day “at work” and can’t muster up enough energy to “do the work” (“And I am!”) then I do know you are cheating! Cause you for damn sure are doing someone else!” Sex with Cheats is “doing all the work”, same as our marriages to them. Truth! Then the camera would pan to the Cheater and all the SOS would come spilling out of his/her face. Chumps believe in people changing because we are good people; what we need to understand is that people who cheat will never be worth our time. We deserve better.

lulutoo
lulutoo
7 years ago
Reply to  Kristen

Kristen, this is horrible–but unfortunately, typical!
((((Hugs)))) to you!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

How true JC. Mainstream’s depiction of cheating in a marriage is a joke. Cheating is abuse. PERIOD. It is intentional, negligent, parasitic and it causes major emotional distress.

I’m no attorney here but where is the loss of consortium for all the pain and suffering these cheaters cause? There is none! But they do offer therapy so you can continue to be manipulated by your abuser. Ummm… no thanks, I think I will embrace my agency to leave a cheater and gain a life. All cheaters and their enablers and apologists (including some therapists) could go piss off.

JC
JC
7 years ago

I hear you, SureChumped. I ended my marriage after 6 months of cheating by my ex. I feel I couldn’t have gone much more quickly than I did.

But I do regret every single second I spent in marriage counseling and/or trying to implement the advice of the MC. The experience was of two people (my wife and the counselor) manipulating me, trying to get me to take blame for my wife’s poor character. Never again!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

I completely agree. The money I wasted in MC was nothing compared to the misguided advise that was heaped onto my grief. He said I shouldn’t have told anyone Fucktard cheated, I need to communicate more concisely, I needed to understand Fucktard’s love language. Bullshit! All of it.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Same abusive experience in MC with the traitor.
My take on this proliferation of articles promoting counselling to deal with infidelity is that the RIC is now on the defensive. More people are realising this is bullshit, more and more people have been affected by infidelity, and many chumps have been cheated on a massive scale because of new technologies making it so easy to meet other cheaters, hundreds of professional or amateur whores, etc. So more are traumatised, it has reached epidemic proportions, exposing chumps to diseases which are now easily diagnosed. The finger can easily be pointed at the cheaters and the consequences of their behaviour, thanks to a better understanding of viruses.
In comes CL, with her site which has passed 12 million views. This movement is growing, it’s giving chumps some teeth at last and the RIC is fighting back. Expect more and more of this has they are trying to save their bacon. Things are changing, we are identifying abuse and abusers, so we must be stopped!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

We need a flag……

Izzard style.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oh Ian?!! Rumblekitty?!! That was your CUE!! Pay attention!

Marked711
Marked711
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

YES! A flag! (Go Eddie)

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Viva chump revolution!!

getting real
getting real
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

A -ucking-men. Seriously. I am screenshotting this one.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

From my experience, you could throw mediation in with couples counselling. Mediation was pretty traumatic.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

I experienced most of those. Now I am in therapy dealing with people who need to be in prison, and therapy.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago

Hahahahah!

I asked asshat directly after finding escort sites on the lap top he let me use. I asked! Guess what, liars lie and cheaters cheat and thieves steal.

He lied, threatened and stomped about. How dare I, ANC, question him about his integrity! Well, me being chumpy, I chose to believe the lie and then really really busted his ass two years later. The attorney counseled me not to ask him directly, just collect the evidence, get and STD tests and find a good individual therapist.

I think the authors of this Click Bait are cheaters themselves.

rickb89
rickb89
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

The author of the article is probably representing divorce attorneys!

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

If I had a dollar for every time I directly asked X if was having an affair, I could retire today! He was offended I would even ask. I was such a chump that I once told him I wanted him to be happy and if it meant being with her, I would understand. That got me the silent treatment for a week. The only conduct he ever admitted were things that could not be denied and, even then, he had his own special spin on “the truth.” Has this so-called expert ever heard of triangulation? It’s all the rage among cheaters and gives them the attention they crave, while we chumps question our sanity for doubting ourselves. Liars lie and cheaters cheat, indeed.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

They can lie for years! They are crafty and sneaky and know just what to say to put you in your place. Then make the changes needed so they don’t get caught. No integrity. You are foolish to expect an honest response from a cheater. They are deliberately and decidedly DIShonest. It just takes a while to trust that they suck.

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

It’s so funny how they lie and lie and lie then when caught, they get haughty how you insulted their “integrity” by calling them a liar. Narcissistic injury? Must keep up the Mask at all costs. My Ex huffed and puffed, “Well according to YOU, I am a liar and a cheater!!” all offended sounding. No. Dumbass. According.To.Your.Actions.

Newme
Newme
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Why did I not have some of these great lines to use on him when he made me feel like a piece of shit for questioning his integrity! The stupid therapist that made it sound like I was the bad guy because because I asked him if he was cheating, The 9 years of shit I put up with because I was scared he would get mad at me and leave if I asked him if he was cheating! piece of shit, fucktard, narcissistic bastard!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

Muse, my ex did the same exact thing. Over text I called him a liar and he came back with, “that is your opinion, not the truth” and the scary thing is he believes it. No you narcissistic asshole, the truth is you’re a lying cheating piece of shit who is completely delusional. These guys get so self righteous and defensive when their mask is no longer intact. This article is ridiculous and I live in Orange County where these quack therapist are practicing. So glad I actually listened to a
good therapist and my family who told me to get the hell out of there.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

I forgot all about the post d’day side step by the cheater. Where I would state a fact about his lack of remorse, or ongoing mindfuck and his response would be ” that’s your opinion” while he tried to stare me down.
Oh the shitty old days. Where everything negative you said that was fact about their characters was dismissed and the new era, where everything positive you said back then is now held as gospel, set in stone truth never to be altered or refuted.
For example back in MC I said that despite it all he was a good dad to my girls. Now three years on he is attempting to emotionally groom them so he can do as he pleases, he also financially and emotionally neglects them. When I raised this with the pastor of the church along with a few other concerns. My past comment was repeated back to me as a blanket dismissal.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Cheaters wouldn’t know truth if it jumped up and bit them in the gluteus maximus (which it should).

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

“I think the authors of this click bait are cheaters themselves”

YES!!!

echo
echo
7 years ago

Mine cheated because I asked him if he was cheating. He figured since I was “always” asking him about it, he might as well cheat for 20+ years. Any words of wisdom Dr. Dumbrowski?

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  echo

Echo, mine said this gem to me: “You always think I am sleeping with someone. And, like a broken clock, you are right twice a day!”

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

That is an astounding quote from your X, TOWMB. (Though at least it’s honest, because it admits the cheating.)

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Oh Chump Lady. I adore this site. I look forward to every new post and usually have a couple of singular insights that help me move forward with rebuilding the crater that my life is.

BUT THIS. OMG. THIS MADE ME SOOO ANGRY I THINK MY HEAD IS GOING TO EXPLODE.

All the fucking bad advice about this regurgitated in one article. How do you not just die of anger and frustration CL? You must be made of pure diamond.

FUCK. I will be back later when my eyeballs have stopped boiling in their sockets and my heart isn’t squeezing itself to death.

FUCK THESE FUCKING FUCKERS.
AAARRRGGGHHHHHHH

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Every comment on the article was contrary to the advice. Where does HuffPo come up with these frauds they quote?

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

(((Virtual hug)))

This shit is triggery. Luckily my support group supported me going Jackie Chan on the cheater’s ass.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

ANC

I didn’t even see that. Just thought I was angry as they are stupid and their ‘advice’ dangerous but yes. I just got triggered all the way to Pluto and beyond.
Still fresh and still raw to discover how he lies like he breathes – easy and automatic.
And right to your face. And to the kids.

Ian. Any fitting video thingies about pod people??

Thanks ANC for spotting a triggering situation.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

And one of the things that unhinges me most about all of this – is to think that I might never have found out. Or that he would have been another three or four or ‘n’ affairs down the line before I caught him. It’s so hurtful to know that you have been lied to and betrayed. All that time tainted by his sleeze.
One friend asked me if I had rather not known. If I wish I had never found out and I went cold all over.
Despite the awfulness of knowing it is far far better than to not know. To promote and suggest strategies that enable cheaters to continue cheating without holding them to account is unethical and immoral.

Reminds me of the first systematic research carried out in prisons that came out in the 60’s or 70’s I think. They found that “prisoners lied”. No shit Sherlock.

Aletheia
Aletheia
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

We are married people incapable of love. They abuse us even before we know about the betrayal. Ignorance is just bewildering, once we know, we can reclaim our lives and live (eventually) in peace. It is painful but better than living lies and feeling near constant cognitive dissonance.

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I agree, Capricorn, it’s far better to know the truth than to continue to live in ignorance, THINKING we know the truth. As hard as this divorce and recovery shit is, it’s significantly better than continuing to unknowingly live in a lie.

Vastra
Vastra
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

I totally agree – give me the painful hurtful ugly truth every time.
Reminds me of the Matrix – take the blue pill and live in a false reality, or take the red pill and see how far the rabbit hole goes.

NoMoreLies
NoMoreLies
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

Yes it is far better to know the truth. I recently revisted a CL 2013 post (that also) linked to a NYTimes article about how the deception is the greatest betrayal, and the difficulty in integrating the reality with what was our perceived narrative about our lives
https://www.chumplady.com/2013/10/standing-on-lies/

Supreme Chump
Supreme Chump
7 years ago

I did ask my cheater if he was cheating. I asked more than once. It was a direct question with no ambiguity. He said no. He was lying. Imagine that! ?

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

+1!!!!

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
7 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I asked my then husband if he had a “girlfriend”? He said “of course not!” Later after d-day I reminded him of that interaction 4 years previous. I asked him why he hadn’t been honest and answered “yes”. He said, “I told you the truth, I didn’t have a girlfriend, I had been with escorts and massage girls. They definitely not girlfriends”. See how that works?

Geode
Geode
7 years ago

Oh yes. It’s NOT an affair if it’s “just” a hookup for sex with a neighbor woman found on one of those websites. Wrong question, right lie.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Geode

“Wrong question, right lie.” AMEN

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

We were clearly married to the same idiot. It can’t be that there are several people with the same imbecilic logic in the universe, can it?

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago

No not the same idiot. Just the same DNA encoded cheater hand book.
My cheater is a champion at only answering the specifics of the question, effectively lying by omission.

This was frustrating because his support crew though they had all the answers because cheater was compliant with them. To this day they have no comprehension that they ask the wrong questions.

It Is What It Is
It Is What It Is
7 years ago

We just didn’t ask the “right”questions obviously. If only I had known that semantics were the real issue, not the cheating.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

Yes! Semantics! That’s what gave me STDs, too!

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

He always denied he was with anyone.

That is because, the day before I arrived (we were ex pat), he would tell OW he couldn’t see her because his family was arriving the next day.

Therefore, he wasn’t lying when he said he wasn’t with anyone.

It actually hurts that he was abusing OW as well as me. Horrible to know I chose a misogynist as a life partner. That is abuse, to tell someone that.

We must teach our young daughters this stuff.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

I did too. Multiple times. He denied it, then later told me that I was not asking the right question. Turns out “are you having an affair?” triggers the correct answer “no” when you are actually sleeping with prostitutes and one-night stands all over the world. That went for years. He still says he feels his conscience is clear and that he “never lied” to me because I never “asked a direct question.” It was only after he started having “affairs” with girlfriend experience-types that he could start correctly answer “yes,” but by that time I finally asked a different question having to do with our sex life stopping altogether, which triggered a fabulous answer: “You know.” I did not know. How could I have, since I never asked the precise direct question that would have triggered a revealing answer? A year later, his tune changed to “you knew all the time, that’s why you didn’t ask me.” Apparently, not asking him if he does things beyond my imagination — let’s say, sleeping with prostitutes all over the world for over two decades, or cooking meth, or clubbing baby seals — means that I definitely know about it. The whole HuffPo piece is a classic mindfuck.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago

Arrrgggghhh! How on earth did your head not implode with that “you didn’t ask the right question” bullshit?! Well done for staying sane and not committing assault!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

TOWMB, your ex is just a piece of work! Somewhere between a nasty Bart Simpson and a psychopath!

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

Oh my Gd, that is some serious mindfuck going on there, Burden.

That is horrific.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Supreme Chump

Similarly, I thought once the cheating was exposed, he would need decide what he really wanted: his devoted wife and lovely family or the easy AP. He chose us! Nope. Wrong. CAKE. There is no limit to their immorality. Cake serves no one but the cheater. He said we could restore our relationship while he continued to see her on the side THE WHOLE TIME. What a liar.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

I thought the same way too after DD#1, He needed to decide what he wanted. After DD#2 I realized he can go fuck himself and the whore too. I needed to decide what I wanted. It wasn’t a life filled with lies and a man who had no honor. Once I decided what I wanted, I informed him. So much better to be the plaintiff then the defendant.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

This happened to me too. Said he wanted to work on our marriage while he was shacking up with the OW and spending joint funds on dates, dinners, and presents for the whore. The asshole even sent me roses on Valentine’s Day with a note saying he was, “ready to fight for our marriage”, while buying her gifts the same day. The dumb fuck didn’t know I still could his credit card activity. To be a cheater you have to be a liar. One cannot be separated from the other. These guys will just look in your eyes and lie.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

NTG
I know that technology has made cheating easier but thank goodness it gave you the means to know the truth. Women in the past must have been put through a hell worse than ours as they had no means to check out their suspicions. They were almost forced to listen to the lying liars lie. No other option. And the lack of financial equality must have been a bitter pill to swallow.
Sorry seem to have segued into a historical rant there!

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago

Exactly! Lies…straight to my face…no problem. And just like you NWHI, promised he wanted to save our marriage while still seeing her on the side! Lying liars who lie. Period.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

OMG!!!!! My cheater acted like an abused bewildered puppy during MC claiming to love me and that he wanted to make our marriage work. I knew nothing of his infidelity at this point. Only to find after D’day he hooked up at the same time.

And to this day accepts no responsibility for the damage to our marriage.

lilyrose
lilyrose
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I’m sorry, Thankful. ?

Mine pulled the wool over both our eyes (counselor’s and mine) – we had a “check in” at the beginning of each session, for him to confess any straying issues. He would “confess” that he had been tempted to stare too long at a woman with a low cut blouse walking by, and I was grateful for his honesty. Little did I know that he was just throwing me off the scent, and his confession was the tip of the iceberg. Or maybe the confession was completely fabricated. At this point, all bets are off.

So I can’t blame the counselor for knowing more than I did in that arena, but I wish she had encouraged me to leave based on the domestic violence alone, instead of helping us work through it for years.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  EyesOpenNow

Me too. DDay 2 was the day I found out the affair had continued during counseling.
So, why didn’t said counselor meet with me separately and say “here is how it is…”
If she had, I would have thrown referrals her way like crazy. Instead, I feel betrayed by her as well.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

The MC we saw after DDay #1 had a consent form that clearly outlined that she would keep confidential anything that either person told her in private, but that she reserved the right to terminate therapy if anything was revealed that she thought would seriously impede the progress of therapy. And she queried carefully for issues of on-going infidelity, untreated addictions, or violence; all would be reasons for her to terminate the therapy (with referrals to appropriate resources in the case of addiction or violence).

Some of ’em are smart cookies, and ethical too.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I hope so as I am a therapist!
But I specialise mostly bereavement and also in historical sexual abuse.
I don’t do couples therapy.
It’s unfortunate that I am not very surprised by some of the therapy experiences here, you have to be very careful and choose well. Not easy for traumatised people.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

So very true. It took me losing my family to realize that the reason my depression wasn’t getting better wasn’t that I was too broken to be fixed; it was that my therapist was fucking incompetent.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Louisevilleflower

So your therapist knew the affair was continuing? You had separate sessions? That is IMO a serious breach of ethics.
That would be bad enough but the fact is that they check their brains in at the door too.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago

*facepalm

I didn’t have to snoop, beg for the truth, etc…he was VERY OPEN in his affair, parading her around our small town. Then of course denied it.

Entitled much?

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

So horrible. Others saw them together in my town too. I honestly think he believed it wouldn’t get back to us. But he had no shame. None.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago

Neither had any shame.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

One person saw it and told me thank god!

brit
brit
7 years ago

Reading this article makes me question the intelligence of these therapists.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Yes, these are perpetuating idiocy. My therapist said Unfaithful was a disordered narcissist and there were worse things than divorce.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

Sounds like you got a decent one.
My individual therapist was great, but MC was awful.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

A friend of mine called a couple’s therapist for help after she found out about her husband’s 3rd affair (that she knew of, and in that marriage. Of course his previous marriage had also ended due to his cheating). When she told the MC that, he asked ‘and you expect him to change at this point?’. They’re not all dumbells and cheater apologists, just the ones who get published in HuffPost!

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

Right! And these are the ones who get published! The cream of the crop!

EasyPray
EasyPray
7 years ago

“How could you even ask me that? You must be in such a negative place after two years of trying for a second child and working and caring for a baby and suffering two second trimester miscarriages in row. I think you are creating problems where there aren’t any.”

It is best to wait to snoop until your sense of reality and ability to trust your gut is so mindfcked and gas lighted into oblivion you won’t recognize yourself for years to come.

While you’re at it– wait until those Low-grade squamous intraepithelial lesions (LSILs) from the HPV you got after “monogamy” for 10 years turns into full blown cervical cancer.

See how that works out for you

Definitely- without a doubt. Just ask them. ?

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
7 years ago
Reply to  EasyPray

So sorry for what you’ve been through. I really wish you could sue your cheater for destroying your health, as some step to sorting the injustice you’ve suffered. I hope you are ok.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  EasyPray

EasyPrey

Yes. Literally life and death.

brit
brit
7 years ago

Something’s amiss with their logic and perhaps they need to be educated on the personality traits of a cheater. The bottom like is they’re manipulative liars and don’t give a rats ass how we feel.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  brit

+1

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago

Worst advice I ever got was from my pastor, from whom I sought counsel. I had already secretly obtained proof of the affair and determined the name of the mistress by “snooping” through the phone records of my then-husband’s cell phone that was in my name. My instinct was to keep quiet and strategize. My pastor told me I owed it to husband to tell him what I knew. I prayed about it and that night I calmly told him that I knew about her. Hubby told me he was relieved that I now knew. That “relief” didn’t stop him from then hiding hundreds of thousands of dollars in his mother’s name and going even more covert.
One of my biggest regrets of the whole ordeal was listening to this pastor, who I do know was well intentioned but still created worse problems.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Can we just all agree here that pastors and other religious figures are not necessarily people with great emotional intelligence or training in human psychology? Dealing with God, turns out, is a much more straightforward affair than dealing with spouses who play god.

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

Amen!! Perfectly stated!!!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

Lol

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

Yes!!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Same here. Lost another 2 years to wreckonciliation. STBX not only deceived me for years but deceived the priest as well. Then again, he seems able to deceive most people…

The whole problem with this article is that it is based on a false assumption. It assumes that these cheaters are honest people. I would think that therapists should know that is not reality.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

*Cheating is dishonest* expecting an honest answer and genuine concern for our feelings from our Cheater is absurd.
We’re supposed to be sensitive to their feelings? Be gentle while explaining why you suspect they’re cheating.
Explain you need to know for your peace of mind.., WTF? our peace of mind??
I don’t know about anyone else but finding out my husband is a Cheater didn’t give me peace of mind. just as I’m sure my “peace of mind” wasn’t a concern of his.

If they weren’t serious I’d be laughing..,

Snowflake14
Snowflake14
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

As the song/saying goes…”if your lips are moving then your lying, lying, lying” This is the Truth!

nomar
nomar
7 years ago

Find out if your spouse is dangerously dishonest by asking them a question?

Riiiiiiiight.

Also coming soon from Huff Po:

Find out if your CPA is a thief by giving her your life savings!

Find out if your neighbor is a pedophile by leaving your kids with him for the weekend!

And,

Find out if Vladimir Putin respects international borders by removing all defense forces from the Ukraine!

SMH. File under, “Bad Advice From People Indifferent To Your Misery.”

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

??? Thanks for the laugh Unicornnomore!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  NotThisGirl

I meant Nomar

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Uh, oh. Chump Lady is gonna get you for that Putin poke; if you don’t get some polonium in your tea first. But no worries. I hear once Vlad got the all clear from his bottom he started bombing with renewed vigor in Syria, so you’re good – he’s preoccupied.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Yes this.

I can tell you which step on the stairway I was vacuuming when I finally realized that all the hellish mess made sense if you understand that he was fucking Susan. The fact that he kept me off balance complaining that the house wasnt perfect was a red flag, no?

So I went to him with a little surprise, looked him straight in the face and said “You had sex with Susan___” and he got all snarly, didnt slow down, walked right past me with “I didnt have sex with Susan” but I wonder how flip floppy his insides got knowing that I was finally on to him.

but his face didnt flinch, not a quivver…I thought for sure he couldnt lie well about this and I was tragically wrong. He lied well because he was so well practiced…had been doing it for years. It is one reason I believed his mentor who told me there was earlier cheating. yup, it was his hobby

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

This 1000+

All those times in the past when I got a feeling that he may have cheated were probably accurate. I spackled and told myself that not trusting him would harm our marriage. Now in hindsight, he most likely was. I have uncovered and confirmed 2 of those to be cheating that it only makes sense that the other times he was, too.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  nomar

LMAO

TheMuse
TheMuse
7 years ago

Don’t “create distance” by not trusting someone who is perfectly FINE with lying to you, for years even. Because by being worried that you might be being lied to is what causes them to feel distant from you. So then they lie to you. Got it?

Don’t “snoop” because it’s a “breach of trust” with someone who has NO problem with abusing your trust. Got it?

Wrong, wrong, wrong. If your gut is telling you your spouse is cheating, go ahead and get the evidence you need to know the truth because this person is a LIAR and is not going to willingly give you the truth. In my own case, my gut told me something was just a little bit off in Ex’s explanation of why he was going to be late that night. Good little chump, I felt so guilty getting out of bed late that night and logging into our cell phone shared account. There I felt the gut punch of seeing hundreds of daily phone calls and texts to just one number and I just KNEW. When he arrived home, I asked him face to face, “were you out on a DATE?” and he looked me in the eye, laughed at me, rolled his eyes, and said, “What??! Are you crazy???”

He had no idea I’d seen the phone account logs. When I showed him and told him, then commenced the denials, blame shifting, minimizing, gaslighting, etc. And it persisted till even after 8 mos of NC when I found evidence of prior affairs spanning the entire 16 year relationship. So very glad I “snooped” or I would still be wasting my time with this asshole. Now I have my life back.

I am so grateful that I listened to my gut and then observed my Ex’s breach of my trust, total self-serving lack of consideration and respect for me as a human being.

Catlady Chump
Catlady Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  TheMuse

“…he looked me in the eye, laughed at me, rolled his eyes, and said, “What??! Are you crazy???””

THIS. I asked directly and got the very same response. I truly thought I was losing my mind for a number of years; he stole my trust in my own judgement with his gaslighting.

Sicatrose
Sicatrose
7 years ago
Reply to  Catlady Chump

Yes! I got the gaslighting too. I was”crazy”,”insecure”,”jealous,” “causing drama in our marriage.” Of course he didn’t have “a girlfriend “! Turns out he had a “friend with benefits “. Big difference to him, to me not so much.

getting real
getting real
7 years ago

As in the words of George Simon:

Character disordered people will only admit to the evidence you have.

Yeah, like my FF would be truthful. He hides his Viagra. He does not know I know where. I count them and he is taking them when travelling, going out with ‘friends’. So I asked him why is he taking Viagra with him before leaving the house or on trips.

Answer? ‘I’m not’

Yeah, HuffPo get your shit straight:

People who feel they are entitled are driven by deception, lying and manipulation. The lie, deceive and manipulate to get what they want. THAT is the issue. Now, side dish of fuck is just ONE way this manifests.

Financial infidelity is another. Cutting corners where society otherwise would frown.

Check it out. I bet you USD 1,000,000 those people who cannot keep their dick in their pants/legs closed when in a committed relationship are cheating in other areas of their lives. Why? Entitlement.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

Yes, a thousand times yes! Long before Fucktard cheated (that I know of, there were several times during our marriage that I thought he was but then he would snap back into loving mode…) he has always played fast and loose with the rules. Always looking for a loophole, always low balling, always bending rules to get that little tiny edge. Always with a straight face, and a sincere smile.

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago
Reply to  getting real

Spot. On.

DemHoez
DemHoez
7 years ago

Yea, I’m going to ask the guy who would blow up if you asked him to take the trash out if he’s cheating. You know how I found out? I saw Poop Boy talking on the phone and pacing in front of the window. I went outside to see what was going on and he walked away from me. He then started whispering into the phone. My brain immediately screamed, “THIS MOTHER-CHICKEN IS CHEATING ON YOU”.

Of course, he denied it when I asked directly. It’s only when I went to my mother’s house that he admitted to it. Couldn’t look me in the eye and say it, nope.

Honest only works with well-adjusted people. Liars gonna lie, hos gonna ho out. That’s just how it is.

chump for 30yrs
chump for 30yrs
7 years ago

Oh, for god’s sake…to cheat IS to lie. How to find out if a liar is lying? Why, ask them, that’s how… because the ONE thing a liar cannot lie about is lying!! THAT gets them every time. Oh, and FYI, give them plenty of notice and kindness before you ask if they are lying, because then they will not feel bad about the lying!! YES. Who knew that every time I asked why fuck face was acting so strangely as she sat in my home and ate my food and touched my baby and my husband said things like “she’s sad about her divorce”, or “people at work are threatened by her” , all I had to ask was “Are you lying to me? Are you fucking her face in the morning before going to the office?” in a very sweet voice and he would have said “Aw shucks, sure. You and I haven’t been connecting recently so I went to her place 5 minutes away and fucked her face. There’s a really good connection between her face and my penis. ” And then everything would have been fine. What garbage. PS : Therapy is great if you do it ALONE and FOR YOURSELF.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago

There was a point between D’days, when I was being trickle-truthed, with him admitting only what I discovered myself, that I decided to ask him something I already knew and had found proof for.

I was shocked at how convincingly he lied right to my face, and I had to look at the proof again to reasure myself of the reality.

This was around the time I was learning about Cluster Bs of psychopathology, and I tried it again soon after with another discovery I made, and had the same result.

The monster could look me in the face and convincingly lie, without doing any of the signs-of-lying that we all learn. This was a horrific revelation, and was the point I stopped wasting my time asking any questions. He thought that meant I was settling comfortably into this shit-situation, but it was the start of me working to free myself.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

At the point when I was almost ready to pull the plug and start the divorce, I had not asked questions for quite a while. I decided to ask about the thing he said we’d have to wait to talk about in marriage counselling. We hadn’t been to marriage counselling yet by this point because it (and literally everything [aka financial abuse]) was too expensive. But there was this thing that hadn’t yet been said, and had to be revealed in counselling.

So, since I was going to pull the plug, I was curious what this could be, and figured I’d ask. He told me it was another affair, but I had already discovered 7 others, so that didn’t seem like the sort of thing that had to be revealed in counselling. I know that this was not the ‘thing’ as it was just another affair with another ow, nothing hugely catastrophic after all the rest. I decided that the unrevealed biggie secret was whatever I cared to imagine it was. I’m figuring it was a circle jerk gay orgy. Whatever. I really can’t give a damn. I got out and to hell with him.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

CrimsonComet.
You write so clearly and calmly about such terrible things. You have grace.
I’m still and the raving lunatic f-word spluttering stage!!
You give me a place to aim for!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Now that’s a great description, Capricorn, “the raving lunatic f-word spluttering stage!!” I remember it well. There’s no other word in the English language that quite captures what the cheaters have put us through. You have every right to be angry, pissed off, hurt, and raging. The anger stage is self-protection. It may not feel like it, but you are preparing to get mighty. These BS spouting “therapists” have had their day. The righteously angry ex-chumps are rising up.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thank you. But please know that it’s been two years now that my divorce was final. I lingered in this hellhole for 22 months from first D-day to separation day. And by then, I reconciled with myself that he was a sociopath: unfixable, unredeemable, toxic, and really just ‘not-all-that’ like he saw himself.

I had tried to fix the marriage myself, tried a RIC support forum, where actually not one marriage building advocate encouraged me to reconcile. I went numb for a while, caught an std, and eventually found the strength and support to get out of there.

Now two years post divorce, I’m mostly at meh, but still have to navigate through his bullshit raising our kids in the meantime. BTW: Chump Lady’s “Cool, Bummer, Wow” wisdom is pure genius.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

I remember after my 1st dday years back when I asked my wife if she was fucking my little sisters husband.

Mind you this was 4-5 months or so after the birth of my youngest child.

Seemed unfathomable that she would be cheating that shortly after giving birth, right? But I still asked. Her response was, “What?, I just gave birth to our son.”

….Turns out my sis caught them a week or so after their act – in my home – and on my own bed!

Btw, she then saw one of these type of therapists only to eventually lead to dday 2….and 3. Fucking Lifetime channel episode, right?

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Water boarding sounds too civilized. How ’bout a good ole can of whoop ass?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Thumb screws or the rack might work, too, to avoid trickle truth, but you have to catch the cheater for those, too.

A cattle prod gives the potential for more distance between you and them.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ice-pics to the balls should do it.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I liked your idea of waterboarding the cheater to get the truth. Biggest problem, I suppose, is that you have to catch them and tie them up first.

lostntx
lostntx
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Not sure tying them up would even work. They are slippery little devils!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes, catching them Tempest would be difficult as they are so slimy and slippery – like mucus.

brit
brit
7 years ago

Good analogy SureChumpAlot, accurate. =)

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ahh, 2016. Where the only problem with waterboarding is we have to catch them first. Good times.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Okay, Ian, admit it. There was a phase where even your enlightened self would have liked to tie up MG and waterboard her. It’s alright, you can admit it; we’re all friends here ; ).

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My vindictive little heart says…

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

That looks like too much fun to get the truth out of a cheater. Frankly, I’m not even sure medieval instruments of torture would do it.

Chris W.
Chris W.
7 years ago

I asked for almost a year. Denials, denials, denials. My EH is a CIA level spy liar. Asking did nothing. Finding proof from snooping finally gave me the truth and the freedom to start taking my life back.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

I think I will never get over the irony that my cheater husband was a Supply Officer in the USMC (where the motto is “Semper Fidelis” – always faithful) absolute truth was expected of him and he lied like a rug. My new husband was a Special Agent officer who was for a time detailed out to the CIA – theoretically he should have expert lying skills and so far Ive never caught him in a lie.

Trust is something so many struggle with, but for some unknown reason I don’t worry about it at all. My house stayed in my name and my investments are in my name. My life insurance goes to my kids. I cost him money, he has no selfish reason to be with me other than I am a fabulous wife.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago

I asked him when we hadn’t had sex for months.
I asked him when half naked male adverts kept poping up on our computer.
I asked him again when he turned down sex.
I asked him when sex was scares and he struggled to get it up.
I asked point blank have you been with another woman.
I asked point blank have you been with another man.
I even began the second last time I asked with. “I am in a really good head space right now, so if there is anything you need to tell me. You should do it now”.
All I got was denial, dead eye stares and delayed responses, usually resulting in me losing my composure and him spinning some bullshit about the stress he was under at work, or the projection of my struggling and being unbalanced.
The last time I asked him was the night I managed to get him out of the house. He admitted to the porn our son had brought to my attention, but still denied being with anyone. It would be another week before that came out.

Ask them? I really want to slap a forehead and it is not my own.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Oh and shamedly this was over 6 years. He cheated for 8.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

You see Thankful, this is why the RIC would say it’s your fault: you didn’t ask for the first 2 years!
Silly you…

Blindside
Blindside
7 years ago

The crap they put on the HuffPo divorce section about infidelity ranges from ridiculous, to baffling, to confusing, to absurd. They had a couple of other posts on there around the same time as this one (and one from the OW about how she felt when her lover’s wife called). Yeah, this particular post takes the cake (pardon the pun). The title should read, “Here’s How to Bury Your Head in the Sand While Your Spouse Fucks Other People”. Alas…..it is HuffPo.

I’d beat my head on the wall reading this stuff, but rumor has it people are more serious about concussions now.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Hey, maybe THAT is what we’ve been doing wrong!! Instead of all of our other efforts to save our marriages/relationships, we should have just banged our heads against the walls. Concerned experts would have been all over us with offers of help and sympathy.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

Just wow CL. That poor UBT is going to need an oil change, a tune up and maybe a whole new transmission! I think my favorite part of the article is when chumps are put on notice not to betray the cheater by snooping. If this is an actual practicing shrink, she should have her license revoked immediately!!

Sure, trust a cheater to tell you the truth. What could possibly go wrong?

Sicatrose
Sicatrose
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

My terrible MC told us how he believed cellphones should all be password protected and people’s privacy respected. So I asked, “So you’re saying, I should never have looked at his phone and just remained unaware of his cheating?” He then tried to deflect this by asking who paid for the phone. I guess the implication was that if Cheater was paying, I should’ve kept my paws off. Too bad, I was the one footing the bill for the phone and lousy therapy too.

findingpeace
findingpeace
7 years ago

I asked if he was cheating and was told no! I was told how I am so insecure and how his staying out half the night was to take pictures! How could I tell him to come home and take away his hobby! How mean! How horrible! He works so hard and I want to take away little sliver of happiness!!
I told him he was leaving us. He lied, denied and justified.
A few months later he was gone. He said he was leaving (I know!! Get out already – we can’t take it anymore!!)
Here we are 11 months later and he told me the other day how I was so blind I couldn’t see what was happening.
We have a daughter in middle school devastated by his lies and sneakiness.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
7 years ago

OMG! Yes, please just ask…because we all know that honesty is such a strong character trait for cheaters. What a crock of shit! This just makes my blood!!!

My cheating xhole had his lies and denials all lined up and ready…except the proof from the messages I found put a damper on his “honesty”.

Not all liars are cheaters…but ALL cheaters are liars!!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago

Yes!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Two UBT’s in a row? We’re not worthy!

Ask. Ha.

A year ago today was the last time I saw Match Girl. Thinking back now on those last 36 hours we spent together at the end of our 10-year marriage (now 11 I realize) is still painful. After she lied to me and said she was going on a girls’ night out, she could have *told* me she’d actually just fucked a guy she’d met online. She could have *told* me that she didn’t mean to beat me and threaten to shoot me. She could have *told* me she wanted a divorce and one of us could have gotten a hotel room. (I am in complete agreement we should be divorced.) She could have *told* me that the next two months of emails from her after we split would be nothing but lies, and I’d never see my precious pup again even though I was only “going to see my family” while she figured stuff out. She could have *told* me the FIRST TIME I ASKED HER IF SHE HAD FUCKED HIM. Nope. She lied when I *asked* her just like almost every chump here.

I cried my guts out after she finally told me the truth. But I haven’t cried since then. That’s a bit unusual for me. But I knew from that moment on that the we we were was never going to be the same again. I just can’t bring myself to be sad. Depressed? Yes. Furious? Obviously. Optimistic?

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hey Ian.

I would agree that the first 31,536,000 seconds after dday are the hardest. You have been transforming right in front of our very eyes. You show courage.

..….”Optimistic?”…..*Value* optimism and leave pessimism with yesterday.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Thanks, for reaching out, R. At least I don’t have to do any more “firsts” with her. I have lived every event on the calendar. Thanksgiving without her? Survived. Small blessings.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Big love, Ian. That anniversary is wicked. Culmination of a path through calendar Hell.

You made it. And on this site you cheered MANY. You are sooooo much loved and appreciated. I can not begin the express the joy I have felt when exchanging a bit of nonsense with you. It has cheered me beyond words and I will never be able to properly repay you. Except to remind you how MUCH you matter!!!!

And I know that this truth does not erase the pain. But in time we re going to recover from this massive assault. And as we are discharged from ICU we will know that we are breathing, our heart is beating and our gonads still have a few contractions in them!!!!

I can’t wait for the contractions to begin!!!

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hey. I don’t know if this helps but you cheer me up every day. I like your picture things ? But more than that I like how you say it like you feel it. I’m still very polite and quiet and reasonable even around my cheater and in texts etc. I get a lot of energy from the genuineness of your posts. Like going down the luge in the Winter Olympics !
Hugs.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian D
I cried A LOT at the start but not so much now. I too get angry and then low and then actually quite hopeful about the future. I think maybe because although it is hard we have gained clarity.
Some part of us knows that actually this clarity is healthy. We are authentic again. No longer under their control. Getting stronger. Wiser. Happier
No need to cry about that.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Crying now seems like feeling sorry for myself, and giving her some satisfaction that I’m still hitting. I dunno tho. Today is raw.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

You okay? More court issues, or just the natural ebb and flow of betrayal-pain?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

The best way to to confront your spouse so as to get the truth out of them: Walk softly and ….

baseball bat

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Love it, Tempest!!!!!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Love this!!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Great visual aid and witty, concise remarks today, Tempest! I can tell you must be a fine educator.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

; ).

(I do tend to get higher evals the semesters I post instruments of torture in my power points. Not sure why.)

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yes, yes and yes….#swingforthefences

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago

Yeah. My Amazon parrot (who was staying with OW and xh at the love nest after BD) was the one who told me the TRUTH.
A bird. A talking parrot. With the intelligence of a 3 year old – ratted them out. P.I. cops, family all loved that one…..

Renting the bird for $5,000 a day – or free to chumps who have seed and nuts on hand.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Magneto: re $5,000 or nuts/seeds:

The women of CN have the seeds.
And the men have the nuts.
That should cover it, eh?

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Tell!!! What did the bird say???

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Well, I went out west and xh took our pet parrot to a “bird sitter”, even though she would have been good for the day or two by herself fed/watered. I got back – he was basically moved out- bird gone.
Found location of apartment complex, but had no idea what apartment number.
So I went over during the day – when I knew lovebirds were at work, and sang; “WHHHHOOOOOOOOO lives in a pineapple under the SEA??””

“SPONGEBOB!” She cried through the door. (Sometimes she calls me Spongepants – too.) Actually, I left in tears because she was clearly upset, and I doubted I’d see her again.

Quick trip to the rubbish can – OW name, then white pages husbands name – phone call, conversation – bird unceremoniously returned home 11:30 p.m. That was it. Never wanted to go back.

I was told by investigator he could not have done it any better….

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Wow. I am so glad you got your precious parrot back. That is an amazing story.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Well according to the RIC, your parrot was insensitive and its timing was off.

Finally realized
Finally realized
7 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Ha ha ha!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Best.story.ever. (but you have to tell the newbies the full tale, Magneto).

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

OMG. I cannot believe this. Best story ever!!

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Wait. For real? That’s the best story ever … except, of course, for the pain and betrayal and devastation. What did the parrot parrot?

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

If Jesus Christ himself, with a Louisville Slugger couldn’t beat the truth out of my XH – (I had a Jesus Cheater), how am I going to get it?

Apparently, I have never deserved the truth, because “He confessed it all to God, and he didn’t NEED my forgiveness, because GOD had already given it.”

– He got that Catholic confession things wrong, I thinkssss…..

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Jesus, being of gentle nature, didn’t use the Louisville Slugger, that’s why ; ).

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hahahahaha yes..

StartofSomethingGood
StartofSomethingGood
7 years ago

Wow! Just wow!

blessingindisguise
blessingindisguise
7 years ago

Ask directly for the truth from a cheater/liar? Bahahahahahaha.
When I asked about the first online dating account (clearly his) that I found on our shared computer, he flat out lied.
When I found out about the secret email account that went along with the first online dating account and asked for access to it, he deleted the entire thing.
When I found the collection of women’s underwear in his work bag (only time I had ever looked in his bag, and I wasn’t looking for evidence – I was looking for chocolate), he lied.
When I asked him to look after our young child while I went to an appointment with the other child, he told me that he couldn’t because he had a meeting. He did – with a prostitute. A half-truth on his part, I’d say.
When I noted that Ashley Madison had a money-back guarantee if you didn’t get any “action,” I asked him if he could get his money back. He said, “Maybe.”
When he skipped family outings to “work” and I determined that he was watching porn in this work time, his response was, “Everyone does it.”
So, flat out denial, destroying evidence, imaginative stories, half-truths, evasion, and minimizing – hmmmm, maybe asking directly is not an effective way to get the truth from a cheater.
These experts are delusional if they think cheaters are going to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Truly delusional.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago

Yep, DoneandDusted, XH was always answering in ways that would make him “seem” innocent. Like when he told me he hadn’t “dated” anyone one while we were separated the first time…but he never said he didn’t “fuck” anyone. Semantics again!!! Then, after the second wreckonciliation, I asked him if he did anything a married man should not have done while we were apart, and his “clever/funny” (not) little answer was, “Yeah, slept alone.” Oh, but that’s right, my question was just not direct enough..lmao!!!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

My STBX did this same thing. Always offered a snide comment in answer to a question giving just a sliver of truth but done in such a way to purposely mislead you. That’s lying, too.

DoneAndDusted
DoneAndDusted
7 years ago

It’s scary how these turds can just lie. I bet if they were to take a lie detector test they’d lie so well the outcome would be inconclusive ??

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

Sure. This definitely works. Each time you see some evidence of cheating or your gut is screaming to you that something is “off” with their behavior, you should nicely ask your partner if there is something going on with another wo(man). They will tell you that nothing is going on with a really quick lie (how are they so good at lying?). Repeat this conversation a few times over the course of 25 years. Eventually you will feel like you are going crazy or there is something wrong with you. You’ll be made to feel like you have “trust issues.” Then one day you will actually find concrete evidence that they cheated. After finding out the evidence, you will be told that your “trust issues” and you questioning them over the years forced them to cheat and pull away from you. It’s your fault that they cheated.

Fuck that shit! To any chumps out there that have a hunch that their partner is cheating — they are! Things I wish I would have known years ago: Trust you gut. It’s NEVER wrong. Install a hidden GPS tracking device on their car — oh, you thought they were going straight to work? No, they are going on secret coffee dates before work with a former ho-worker for nine years. Install keystroke-logging spyware on computers to see what they are up to. The FIRST time they show you who they truly are — BELIEVE THEM and RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

This is the best advice !! If you are reading this and suspect your spouse/partner is cheating, follow Martha’s advice. You will need to push past the fear of finding out for sure who they really are, the nausea as you buy the GPS and computer tracking, but it’s for your best in the end. Truth be told, before marriage I had doubts about my STBX and almost installed spyware on his computer. I hesitated because I was so in love and I didn’t want to imagine my life without him. However, 12 years later and seven years of marriage and I wish I had put that software on that computer and seen him for who he really when no one is looking. Get that spyware and GPS!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

When my ex and I were engaged (after almost 10 years and a child together), he told me that he was annoyed that there were rumors swirling around st work that he was having an affair with a woman he barely knew. He was indignant and ranting about it. I said I was surprised that the rumors weren’t about —- —–, because they had grown to be friends and he talked about her a lot more. He mumbled “yeah.” (Because of course he was screwing the latter.) Then I asked him gently if there was any truth to the rumors, reminding him that he had stepped over the line in the past and we were about to get married. He swore the rumors were false, he was happy and in love with me, he’d never do anything like that again, blah blah blah blah blah. Then a few months later, after the wedding, after I sold my house, after I quit my job, after I moved across the country with our son, he decided to come clean and send me packing. I desperately wish that I had snooped.

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

I’m not proud of snooping, FeeeVixen, and I should have understood that if I were snooping that the marriage was done, anyway.

But I will say that it helped me confront my denial, killed my hopium, and put the final nail in the coffin of my decision to leave her.

As for asking —- —-, I didn’t actually do that. I calmly confronted her and said that she was having an emotional (cough!) affair and should stop texting your man and seek help, and that I felt hurt and betrayed.

Did she come clean and confess that the affair was actually physical? No.

Instead she realized what a chump husband she had–it hadn’t yet crossed my mind that she’d already cheated on me, so best to play to my trustworthy stupidity and see if she can get a post-hoc approval for an open marriage…given I didn’t even yet suspect that I was in one!!!

It’s like the plot of some teen sex comedy. Porky’s meets American Pie meets…Unfaithful?

Ah, to think that was my life. What a fucking embarrassment.

Lyn
Lyn
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC, I’m not proud of snooping either. When I was hiding in the bathroom reading my ex’s journal I was shaking and felt so ashamed of violating his privacy. I always say that was the worst and best moment of my life, because I discovered the truth and it hurt like hell. But it was also the moment I realized my intuition was right and I wasn’t crazy. The truth truly will set you free.

WhichWayDidSheGo
WhichWayDidSheGo
7 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I’m not proud that I never thought to check her journal. When she said she was going to start recording major life events, I trusted and encouraged her. Turns out she was evaluating my performance and deemed me insufficient. I wish I had thought to read her journal to find out the truth rather than still being eaten alive by her comments over two years later. I have a feeling we beat ourselves up no matter how we behave.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

Like Tempest said, there is no shame in seeing more clarity in hindsight than you had in the moment. The deck was stacked against you, and what was actually at stake was still hidden behind door #3. What kind of person would you have been had you packed up and hustled out the moment you suspected something was amiss? It’s a nice retrospective fantasy, but it’s not what good husbands do. You did what all sane, responsible, loving spouses do: you addressed the issue, asked for what you needed, gave a little, tried to solve the problem. There is not an ounce of shame in that. When you came to the reasonable conclusion that your marriage was not salvageable, you left and closed the door. I know I’ve told you this before, but knowing that you left when and how you did helped me to stay strong in my leaving long before I knew who you were.

Regarding the snooping, take comfort in the fact that she’s getting a taste of her own medicine. We know for a fact that she snoops in my ex’s phone, so she has had the chance to walk in your shoes. In the not so distant future, she’ll get to walk even farther in those shoes, only without the legal protection of a marriage. Think she’ll be embarrassed? Nope.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JC

JC–don’t feel embarrassed; we all did things we regret in retrospect to try and honor our families and our marriage vows.

When my X asked for divorce during his affair with gradwhore (though I did not know why), he corralled me into the pick-me dance unknowingly. He called from Mexico during a conference to ask for a divorce (f’ing coward to do it by phone), then changed his mind a week later and issued a list of demands I had to meet for him to come back to the marriage. If I were to post that letter (which I still have), it would curl your hair (and cause today’s blog to be considered NSFW).

His demands were so odious, the letter depicted so little love or concern, that my immediate response was to tell him to GTFO and how dare he talk to me that way. So why did I agree in principle with his demands? Because a clinical psychologist friend told me divorce would damage my children irreparably the way her divorce had damaged her children.

Do you know how much I would LOVE to go back in time and kick Hannibal to the curb on the basis of that letter? I agonized for 8 years about swallowing my dignity and self-respect to accede to the demands in that letter. It remains one of my biggest regrets in life. But you and I and other chumps get to move on to an honest, respectable life, whereas the odious cheater character will follow our Xs everywhere.

JC
JC
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Called from Mexico to ask for a divorce?

That’s one of the most chickenshit things I’ve ever read

DoneAndDusted
DoneAndDusted
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

That’s some real mindfuck BS.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  DoneAndDusted

Yep. What a catch, eh?

heissobroken
heissobroken
7 years ago

That just killed my brain cells. Note to self next time I decide to get into a long term monogamous relationship and my deceptive prick of a partner cheats on me, I will go to that fluffy happy kind place where unicorns run free and there is actually gold at the end of the rainbow and think of this article and not about STI’s, or how this person betrayed me, or how all the trust is gone for a piece of ass and how this is going to impact the rest of my and my kid’s life (who am I kidding? never mind the kids are resilient, silly me).

Holy hell, I just choked on the kool-aid.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  heissobroken

???????

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oops sorry didn’t mean to blow you a kiss/heart?!?! If that’s ok take it! If not sorry! Crap typing.

David2016
David2016
7 years ago

After two (three?) D-days, none of which came about through my XW confessing unsolicited (does this ever happen?), I was terrified to ask her directly. Yes, terrified of what I knew was the truth–that she was still a walking Lie. So one night I timidly asked her, “You would never hurt me again, right?” She smiled and said sweetly, “Never deliberately.” To say my heart sank would be an understatement. In hindsight her response was chilling, creepy. Yet I hung in for another six months of abuse before I dragged my broken ass to my attorney. These people are sick.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

You are really stirring up my memories with your posts the last few days, David. “Not intentionally.” That is so, so cruel.

The EX-orcist
The EX-orcist
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

So I gather the original betrayal was “deliberate?” As chumps we want so badly to BELIEVE what horseshit is verbalized by these empty carcasses sired by satan. I mean, they seem to appear to be human after all. So us lovely chumps project our goodness onto them, wrongly assuming they could not possibly be so inhumane.
In truth, after the betrayal, the trust is gone. That you have to inquire with your spouse if you are safe with them or not is a complete mindfuck.
David, im sorry you had an walking, jive talking, dead carcass narcopath as your wife. It appears you deserved better, as we all did.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Kind of like I am sorry for hurting your feelings! Not sorry for the action….. and will continue to do so.

Chump Mama
Chump Mama
7 years ago

I asked many, many, many times. Guess what? Cheaters brains are hard wired to gaslight you as soon as you start asking.

Now I’d like to ask: Who are these idiots?? Clearly they are either cheaters themselves or complete idiots who have no experience with cheaters at all. Either way I just want to yell, “shut up!”

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

My anger this morning is sideways at these so-called therapists. If you are reading these posts realize this: your comments, attitude, cheater-apologistic, victim-blame mentality and behavior further harms victims of domestic violence. Cheating is domestic violence: Knowingly exposing a sexual partner to deadly diseases and having sex with a spouse who has specifically made consent to intercourse conditioned upon the assurances of fidelity is abuse, it is the tort of battery, it is fraud, and in most states it is a sexual crime such as rape in the 3D degree. It is also emotional abuse and extremely devastating from an intimate partner (gaslighting, deceit,
Blameshifting).

Would you write these same comments to a woman or man subject to more “traditional” forms of domestic violence? Of course not! So please stop perpetuating this victim blaming and get educated about the subject.

In my PTSD triggered state from reading these therapists’ advice, this is all I can think of at the moment.

ChefBella
ChefBella
7 years ago

How interesting, MotherChumper99,

We both ranted in unison on different blog posts about cheating being a form of domestic abuse.

Preach.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

MotherChumper.
Snap on the triggering thing. You are 100% spot on with all you said.
Hurrah.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thank you Capricorn! I love your posts, by the way. They really help me feel that I’m not crazy and not alone.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

MC99
You are definitely not alone. You are certainly not crazy. You are mighty and I love your posts too. What you have been through for so long is heartbreaking but to have such a generous spirit to help us newbie chumps is wonderful.
Hugs.

IC
IC
7 years ago

Hey HuffPo and esteemed Orange County, CA marriage therapists… distance in a marriage doesn’t cause infidelity… a person with no morals and no character causes infidelity.

Mr. Sparkles could look me in the eye, tell me he was going out to shoot pool, and go to a local hotel to meet up with someone from Craigslist.

Mr. Sparkles could sit in marriage counseling and DENY that he ever had his own online personal ads while I was holding printouts of them.

Mr. Sparkles could decide for himself that the “marriage was over”, go out and date a few women, and pick one BEFORE discarding me and our children… without saying a word.

Mr. Sparkles is a sham. People who cheat are DISHONEST. There is no point in conversing with a disordered person about their lack of character… better to spend your time pushing a pebble up a hill with your nose.

Mr. Sparkles got a blood test the minute he announced he was leaving our family – but wouldn’t wear a condom to earn back my trust after D-Day #1.

I know… let me go ask Ted Bundy… did you really kill those girls? I’m sure (if he were alive) he’d say, “Golly gee, not me.”

Good Lord… face palm Wednesday… here we go.

Rock on Chump Nation.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago

Snarks, CL! Ha ha ha ha!

‘Are you having an affair?’ is the first thing I asked when he arrived home disconnected.

“NO!’ he replied, and proceeded to give me a list of why I was a terrible wife.

I ran with that diversion for two, soul destroying, mentally and emotionally abusive years.

Those stupid counsellors should be shot. What are their qualifications. They clearly have never been cheated on and they don’t seem to understand cluster B personality disorders. How do I know my ex is a cluster B? Because after 2 years of listening to my whining, my qualified up to the wazoo marxist Jewish gay therapist lost his temper and told me he was.

Why did he do this? To impress on me to put down the hopium and give up, that he would NEVER change.

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

The qualified up to the wazoo African marxist gay Jewish therapist lost his temper like this:

[shouting] HE IS A NARCISSIST! HE IS NEVER EVER GOING TO CHANGE! – It was the very first time in my life that I had heard of the term ‘narcissist’.

What followed was a 6 months of open eye horror discovery of what narcissists are, and then I filed.

We have the sum total of zero in common, but my therapist is great.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

I went to an excellent therapist in the first weeks following the first DDay. She insisted that STBX allow her to talk to his “therapist.” When I threatened to kick him out, he finally signed the release. She called me after her talk with his therapist and said: “I’m very sorry to have to tell you this but your H is a narcissist with BPD, he has no remorse, he has no motivation to change, he blames everything on you, he lies with impunity, he will only continue to harm you so you need to leave him and divorce.” I was so shocked and ignorant and filled with hopeium that I fired her on the spot. This commenced 4 months of wreconciliation he’ll, abusive MC where he screamed at me about my defects that ruined our marriage (strange things from decades ago that he had never mentioned), and ridiculous sex addiction and anger management counseling. I finally had enough and kicked his ass to the curb. Took another 7 months to file. That therapist was 100% right! I’ve told her so several times.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago

Sometimes, maybe a lot of times, nothing happens right away. It takes a while for the truth to sink in and take effect. It may be disheartening for therapists to be in this place, but I am so grateful for those who truly help, who shine the spotlight on the reality of personality disorders, despite watching their client reject the truth and go back to the abusive spouse. Sometimes it just takes a while for the seed they plant to finally grow. And eventually, the message sinks in.

In my case, I saw a psychiatrist for severe depression following D-day 2. Told him about the infidelity, and he basically said my now-ex has a disordered personality, that I have a lovely personality. That ex should never have married and should be required to wear a sign saying “don’t marry me” and that I needed to find a lawyer, to divide up his things and my things, and get out asap. I was absolutely horrified that he would diagnose my ex without seeing him and I was determined to save the marriage, so I found another Dr to write the scripts. I stayed in this hellhole marriage about a year longer from the seed being planted until I made active plans to leave. But I did eventually leave, and I credit this psychiatrist, and also chump lady whose articles on serial cheaters opened my eyes to cluster Bs.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

CC
That’s such a great messsge for chumps to be compassionate with themselves and to not continually victimise themselves further by blaming themselves for not figuring out their cheaters earlier. It’s hard hard knowledge to accept. It’s not our fault we believe in love and marriage and trust and loyalty and integrity and to expect that from those we married. It’s not our fault that these monsters are hard to spot. It’s not our fault we struggled to leave our invested love behind. It’s not our fault we wanted to protect our children or ourselves from a broken family and financial insecurity. We need to love ourselves and be self compassionate.
It all takes time.
Well done you.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

I love your therapist. He might have a very full waiting list soon…….
Some people save lives.

Michael
Michael
7 years ago

Wow! These therapists will say anything to get that $180 per hour! As if being cheated on isn’t enough of a mindfuck. Now you can add a professional mindfucker.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Michael

I wonder if the professional mindfuck is more satisfying?

Disillusioned
Disillusioned
7 years ago

Wow. Well, I can’t be that surprised because I did try this. I calmly started a conversation just over a year before D-day when he was caught red-handed. I said we could work through anything and I was his best friend but please tell me what’s going on in our marriage. Of course he didn’t cop to anything but insisted on giving me all his passwords so his poor, crazy, suspicious wife could have peace of mind. He was thrilled to send me on a wild goose chase (“Ha, Ha, fooled her again”). Yeah, I’m a chump. Thank you Chump Lady for getting the word out. This is really bad advice. It doesn’t work.

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
7 years ago
Reply to  Disillusioned

Mine agreed to me monitoring him, but only if I involved him in the installation and use. Which of course defeats the purpose, even I knew that.

DavidB
DavidB
7 years ago

I tried this on several occasions. What I discovered was how crazy and psychotic I was for thinking such. All this direct questioning does is open opportunity for them to attack you and destroy you.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Anyone who suggests that knowing what your spouse is doing when you aren’t around is “snooping” is definitely on the side of the cheater.

I believed that horse shit for way too long. Wish I had been more of a “snoop”, cause if they aren’t doing anything wrong you won’t find anything wrong.

GiveTimeTime
GiveTimeTime
7 years ago

“Are you fucking escorts at lunch?”

Oh….. thanks!!

I guess I should have asked that question. Could have saved myself 20 years of trouble. Oh well, next time.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

More lies here:

On D-day, between sobs, Me: “You’re abruptly leaving our marriage aftter 16 years and I didn’t even know you were unhappy? How did this happen? When did this happen? IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE? [I did not shout — the caps are for text emphasis.]”

XH: “No, there’s no one else.”

(The following week: hiding phone, secret comings and goings, a long conversation on his phone while parked down the street from our house — he said it was a mutual friend counseling him…..)

One week later, he’s cleaning out the passenger side of his truck before a “work event.” — Very very dim bulb goes on in my head, “Ohhhhhhhh….”

He comes back in. I’m smiling, at my own stupidity. He asks, annoyed, “What?!?”

Me: “I think there’s something going on between you and Schmoopie.”

Him (exasperated): “Well, I told you I have feelings for her….”

— Oh yeah, the honesty in these guys. Legendary.

Also, CL lost me at the first HuffPo excerpt: “Let them know you can handle the truth and that you believe you can work through anything, as long as there’s honesty.” — If by “work though anything,” you mean “work through my strategies to divorce as quickly as possible with the best possible outcome for me”? Then, yes, I was prepared to work through anything. GTFO, MF.

Calmafterstorm
Calmafterstorm
7 years ago

Just like everyone else, I asked. I begged. I pleaded, I wrote letters. I even texted. All in calm, loving semi self blaming chumpy ways. I was denied until I caught him erasing her texts. And even then it was only an emotional affair because they didn’t have ‘actual sex’.

Liars lie. They lie for self preservation. To keep the status quo. To get what they want. Because they just fucking like to lie and the power it gives them. To avoid responsibility. To avoid consequences.

That’s it, people. That is why they lie. And you can ask prettily or subserviently all you want to. The truth will never come out of their mouths. Ever. I’m sure there are psychological reasons about this. I don’t care anymore – he is no longer my problem. But the point I would like to give all newly minted chumps out there is this– they lie, they cheat, they steal, they are destructive, entitled assholes who will stop at nothing to make themselves happy.

Gentle, shy forest creatures that can be startled by chumps asking if they are fucking around in a condemning tone of voice? No. Psychopaths, Sociopaths, soulless destroyers are what they all are.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago
Reply to  Calmafterstorm

Agree totally, Chump Dude. And asking gives them a heads up to take more money and assets and to suck whatever else they can before they run.