UBT: Ex-Husband Apologizes on Their Anniversary
Her ex-husband apologizes on what would’ve been their 25th anniversary. “There’s nothing I can say…” blah, blah, blah. Then she realizes AI wrote the message.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
August 5 would have been my 25th wedding anniversary. D-day (#2) was in January of 2022 and I kicked him out right away. Divorce is finalized. He cheated with men and women our entire relationship. (Dating, engaged, through pregnancies and miscarriages.)
I have 90% custody of our 4 kids — 2 with autism. He has stepped up a bit parenting but recently (6 months ago) believed his stupid girlfriend instead of our kids about how our youngest broke his wrist.
I woke up to this email.
What do I make of this?
Subject: 5 Aug
Good morning,
I was reflecting this morning and felt the need to acknowledge, again, the pain I’ve caused you. I know there’s nothing I can say that fully captures the depth of the betrayal and heartbreak you’ve endured — not just in the moment of discovery, but in the days, weeks, months, and even years that followed. I can only begin to imagine how confusing, devastating, and isolating that must have felt.
I’ve been working hard to put myself in your shoes, to truly understand the harm I inflicted — and the ongoing ripple effects of my choices. It’s painful to sit with, but that discomfort is a necessary part of my growth. I want you to know I see your pain more clearly now, and I’m not turning away from it or minimizing it.
While I am sober today, I know that sobriety alone doesn’t heal the wounds I’ve created. I can’t undo the past or erase the destruction I caused — but I can commit, every day, to living differently. I can continue showing up in ways that reflect real change and integrity. I hope you’ve started to see some of that shift, even if it’s just in small ways. And I hope that, when you’re ready, you’ll feel safe enough to hear my full amends.
You — and our kids — are incredible people. You deserve safety, consistency, and love that you can trust. I am striving every day to become the man and father who lives up to that. Not just in words, but in actions. I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m committed to this path.
Thinking of you today.
Sadly I JUST figured out this was AI generated, as likely the past 3 years of these I get randomly have been. I didn’t see that before.
Fun times…
Warmly,
Lynn
****
Dear Lynn,
It’s totally fitting that your ex-husband apologizes on your anniversary using artificial intelligence. His sorry is as counterfeit as he is. It’s a clone of a sorry. A robot mimicking human speech. Had this been an actual sorry… it still wouldn’t mean anything.
What does he want you to do with this apology?
Did it come with a check? Respite care for two autistic kids? A voucher for 25 wasted years? No, it’s a vague promise and another attempt to gain centrality in your life. Fuck him very much. If he were truly sorry, he’d shut up and show his contrition in meaningful ways. The first of which would be respecting the boundaries of no contact.
But these clowns can never do that because, Woe! THEY HAVE BIG FEELINGS! And would you please give them a contact high with your grief? You still CARE, right? RIGHT? Dance little ego satellite, dance!
Ugh. Let’s feed your ex-husband’s crappy apology to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
Happy anniversary.
Good morning,
Hi! It’s me! I exist! REMEMBER IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY! Just want to ensure that your day is off to an awful start.
I was reflecting this morning and felt the need to acknowledge, again, the pain I’ve caused you.
Do you have a need to never hear from me again? My need trumps your needs. I must tell you about your pain.
I know there’s nothing I can say that fully captures the depth of the betrayal and heartbreak you’ve endured
Energy vampire says what?
— not just in the moment of discovery, but in the days, weeks, months, and even years that followed. I can only begin to imagine how confusing, devastating, and isolating that must have felt.
Your devastation turns me on.
Don’t you want to imagine it again — together — with me! On our anniversary?
I’ve been working hard to put myself in your shoes, to truly understand the harm I inflicted — and the ongoing ripple effects of my choices.
I’m working really hard on this empathy thing. Which is why I’ve employed a machine to manufacture feelings for me.
It’s painful to sit with, but that discomfort is a necessary part of my growth.
This has been hard on me. No, harder really.
The UBT would like to suggest that he sit on a syphilitic porcupine. Only as a necessary part of his growth.
I want you to know I see your pain more clearly now, and I’m not turning away from it or minimizing it.
You divorced me, raise our four children with minimum effort from me, and I live with my girlfriend, but now — 3.5 years after our break-up — I’d like to discuss your pain.
I have a dim vision of it, slowly coming into focus. Hang on there and wait for me to describe it you. I think I have a glimmer of a scintilla of an iota of a FEELING.
Trust me, I’m sober.
While I am sober today, I know that sobriety alone doesn’t heal the wounds I’ve created.
While I’m sober today, I’m an emotionally tone-deaf nitwit every day.
I can’t undo the past or erase the destruction I caused — but I can commit, every day, to living differently.
Like drink smoothies, or take up Wordle. Maybe do more stretching.
I can continue showing up in ways that reflect real change and integrity.
Maybe I’ll take the kids 12 percent of the time. How’s that sound? Well, only if I can fit it in between Wordle stretches.
I hope you’ve started to see some of that shift, even if it’s just in small ways.
I didn’t sue you over our son’s broken wrist. I just questioned the veracity of his story. Progress!
You can feel safe with me! The guy who cheated on you!
And I hope that, when you’re ready, you’ll feel safe enough to hear my full amends.
I have more AI apologies to send you. Did you know you can just make up as many of these things as you want? Sure, it’s a tax on the energy grid, but what’s environmental destruction compared with my contrition?
You — and our kids — are incredible people. You deserve safety, consistency, and love that you can trust.
Vote for FW 2026! You deserve all good things. It’s enough for me to write safety, consistency, love and trust. I don’t need to actually provide any of these things.
I am striving every day to become the man and father who lives up to that.
I almost felt your pain for like, three entire seconds.
Not just in words, but in actions.
Here are a lot of words and no actions.
I know I still have a lot of work to do, but I’m committed to this path.
I’m committed to doing absolutely no work whatsoever, but keeping you in suspense is narcissistic supply and hey, monsters gotta feed.
Thinking of you today.
ARE YOU THINKING OF ME TODAY?
Happy anniversary!
I Love the UBT – it made me laugh when I was lining up for at a local support centre for food hampers – because my FW left us, for his OW “soul mate” with nothing but debt.
But, I just had a crazy thought – How would AI have responded to this ?!
You are left paying his debts? What a bastard!
AI to write apology letters now. WOW. If my ex had AI 11 years ago, his fake apology would have been even worse.
I’ve thought sometimes: what would it look like if he really were sorry?
If he were really sorry, he would stop farting around with lame low-paying dance jobs, get a real job, and be the best possible father he could to our kids, all while continuing to leave me alone as much as possible. He would stop being such an insufferably bad co-parent.
But our oldest is 19 and our son turns 12 next month. That window is slowly but surely closing.
If these serial cheating narc FW were ever a good parent and spouse capable of sincere apologies, then they would not have chose to be a chronic cheating liar to begin with
Can’t wait for my own window to close as well. If only we could coparent with an AI intead of an NS (natural stupidity).
My mother used to tell me and my siblings “Sorry is as sorry does.” That phrase has now become “Behavior is a language” -nuf said.
As far as nonapologies and fake remorse go, I’d stick with an LLM over a FW any day of the week. The feelings and self-reflection involved in coming up with the words are quite the same, but at least the grammar and style are way better.
I am glad I have never received an apology, it’s pointless and empty.
I really didn’t either. People have asked me if I ever wished for one.
Nope, not after the divorce. I was off to do my thing, and he could do his thing. Just leave me alone.
100%, leave us alone.
I’ve never received anything like that, because (firstly) Ex-Mrs LFTT doesn’t do apologies, as that would mean owning her own sh*t and (secondly) I don’t think that using AI is her thing …. not because she has any moral or ethical objection, rather that because she is not the most technologically literate of people.
That said, whenever I see any communication from Ex-Mrs LFTT (the kids are all young adults now), I find myself thinking “What does she want now?” and the answer is usually “Centrality of course.”
LFTT
Artificial is as artificial does…
Lynn, you have been majorly mighty, and it seems the judge saw how pathetic a parent he is by awarding you 90% custody of 4 kids. I don’t doubt that the 10% time he has them is worrisome for you, especially in light of your youngest breaking his wrist and the OW lying about how it happened. If you think she was responsible, or either OW or FW was negligent, you could report to Child Protective Services, or ask your child to explain what happened to your family doctor, school nurse or teacher, all of whom in the US are mandated reporters.
You might also check with ARC or other organizations that serve kids with autism, to see if they have any sort of respite program that will provide either funds, caregivers or supervised activities while you get a much deserved break.
Congrats on seeing through FW’s use of AI. It may explain why my ex’s last apology was more literate than usual.
Abusers sometimes choose key events to get maximum effect from their minimal efforts to be central and hurt others. Now that he has AI doing the work, you may get these on Mother’s Day, birthdays and other milestones.
Keep on being mighty!
I have to laugh because my ex was so phony he sounded like AI before it was a thing. He was never very technical and he’s old so I doubt he’d know how to use it, but the emails I used to get from him must have been used to train AI. LOL.
I can only imagine what I’d have gotten if he’d had AI at his disposal.
Mine too. Every single email and text message sounded like AI. Overly formal, cold sounding, and with a few odd little blips like you see in AI.
These AI written letters tell on themselves. They go in threes “the days, weeks, months…and even years that went by” “consistency, safety, and love…that you can trust.” and they don’t write the way normal humans just talk. They’re not conversational. Tell an AI program to send an ex an apology letter and you’ll get the most non-specific, hyperbolic bs it can spit out.
Messages written by real people don’t have their nouns tied up in neat little triplicates, they have specificity. They sound the way that person talks.
But I’m sure he figured you would think he swallowed a Thesaurus and suddenly grew the ability to write with the eloquence of an 18th century nobleman taking up ink and quill to pen a letter to his long lost Lenore. 🙄
Last line kills. 😀
A modern update might be a rhapsodic spoken word ode to Lost Lenore set to interpretive dance like the landlord recital scene in Big Lebowski.
“But I’m sure he figured you would think he swallowed a Thesaurus and suddenly grew the ability to write with the eloquence of an 18th century nobleman taking up ink and quill to pen a letter to his long lost Lenore.” 😆
Once again I could have written this post nearly word for word.
I have gotten teary phone call version of this BS thankfully not for a long time because I found CL and followed the NC Grey rock path.
Evil truly walks amongst us but rather than a dramatic Antonio Banderas as Armand, they are indeed often a banal, balding, Colin Robinson sort.
Middle aged FW with porn dick ED using AI to fake apologize should be a CL cartoon!
I think OP FW might be doing impression management by showing these faux apologies to a third party in addition to seeking narc supply.
Its absolutely frightening that a sick mind can inflict such personal harm. I’m silenced and outraged but such audacity using technology. It’s like baiting your hook with plastic worms. They look real, you get hooked and you fell for a prank very very sad
This is CL gold! I love the UBT takedown of all this fake drivel/emotion vampire crap.
What struck me the most is this:
Good morning,
Hi! It’s me! I exist! REMEMBER IT’S OUR ANNIVERSARY! Just want to ensure that your day is off to an awful start.
When I had separated from my cheater and was trying to see if reconciliation was possible, he would write similar self-serving “apologies” (only his were also blameshifty and full of DARVO and maddening phrases such as “It takes two to tango”).
One of the most artificial things of these messages is how he would start them off with Good morning, or Good afternoon, or Good evening. It was shockingly odd. Still is, actually, as we still have need to communicate on occasion and he still prefaces them with “Good evening”, etc.
We didn’t begin our long distance calls with these formalities whenever apart during our 26.5 years of married life. What American goes around saying “Good afternoon” to a friend or spouse or family member?! It’s formal language used on stages with microphones. But my now ex somehow thought it was a good idea, maybe a part of showing me (and others – impression management ya know!) what a big, thoughtful man he is. Hey, he *wished me a good morning*! What a guy!
So THANK YOU, Tracy, for helping me understand what I so often read in the middle of betrayal pain and fog. Your crystal clear insights are so therapeutic for us all.
My FW was strangely formal in his communications as well, and not at all in person. I think they do it to sound decent, intelligent and polite, because they know texts, emails and letters can be kept and used against them if they act like their true selves and start off with; “Hey juicy ass! Whaaaasup!”
When I finally went almost No Contact (we have kids, so it;s “low contact, not No contact) it was because he completely flipped out on me and threatened suicide. He had spent a couple of days saending me the most vile , angry texts and then said he was going to commit suicide. It scared me and finally something jsut flipped and I saw the cycle of abuse I was in for what it was, and I pulled the plug. No more trying to be amicable with a abusive, cheating FW.
Anyway, at that point I stopped speaking to him about anything but the kids. And what ensued were walls of text from him going back a year now, where it is just him having hours long arguments all by himself 97% of the time, him asking valid kid-related questions occasionally and me only showing up to reply “yes, he will be at soccer practice until 4pm on Thursday”.
There is not one thing that a judge would take issue with from my side. It is polite, direct and informative.
In the meantime, he looks like the maniac he is. One minute it’s a flowery apology, the next it’s him screaming his head off. Frequently it is a weird combo where he appears to be trying to be civil, but he can’t help but oooze some snark in there.
All to say, he should know that all this is permanent. He is either too stupid to care, or he cares and just cannot help himself. I look forward to my youngest turning 18 so I can simply block him and never hear from him again. I will say, over time, my lack of engagement has absolutely reduced the # of rude texts I get. Now it’s more like he only does it if he has a real reason to reach out to begin with, a question about the kids will include some kind of snark…vs him just sending hours yelling on a Tuesday for no reason)
I think the formal salutations are what typically get added to confusingly distract from any still undisguised bits of bile, jibes or threats that remain after several drafts of a letter that originally began with “I shall smite thee, vile succubi!”
Yes! Thank you for sharing that you experienced this too. And so much yuck in this!
Looks like they chose an AI that was also a narcissist because that’s a whole lotta word salad.
A.I. is going to be quite the boon for those low in E.Q. (emotional quotient).
Why should you (the disordered) have to sit with the icky feelings of the people you damaged when you can “ask Siri or Alexa” to generate a legit sounding recognition that addresses all the key words and phrases that are attached to infidelity betrayal.
There! Problem solved. Don’t you feel better now?
To me these kinds of apology letters in which abusive individuals breach NC and insist their former victims must still be pining for them, heartbroken and in “pain” always completely creep me out because this smacks of the escalation seen in “intimacy-seeking” stalking where the stalker starts foisting graphic descriptions of their sexual fantasies on targets which often include the parasocial fantasy of the target enjoying it (“I will do this to you and you will scream with pleasure…”). Except in this case the parasocial projection seems to somehow relate to something called “begging fetish.”
There’s actually a whole SM subgenre of “begging porn” where (usually women) “beg for cum” or beg to be dominated. There are even begging fetish instructionals on how “submissives” should properly plead (on their knees with big teary eyes…). I don’t see that as much different than FWs insisting their exes must be weeping in fetal positions and crying their names forever.
It’s creepy enough when abusive individuals presume to name victims’ emotions or motives (“Yer so angry!”, “Yer just trying to punish me!”) but if being on the receiving end of these gestures somehow feel like being literally groped and violated, it’s no surprise because the receivers are being forcibly cast in wanking centrality fantasy without consent and furthermore aggressively “drafted” into participating by being told of it since unwanted “sharing” is half the fun for these kinds of predators.
In short, the “apology” is really just the format to justify the psychological equivalent of sending a dick pic. When this is done by an ex-FW, I think it also belies that sadism was probably a big component of betrayal– that they get off on the idea of bringing victims to their knees.
I believe this is absolutely a thing. They feed on chump pain to give them centrality. And it kills them to think you’re over them. That’s why I preach no contact. Don’t let them see your tears or your triumphs. Just be a cipher.
Btw, I always thought the song Somebody That I Used To Know was about what happens when a chump goes NC with an unreflective serial cheater. It seems to start with a FW expressing the usual “hur-der huh what?” martyred mystification and resentment at being subjected to NC without being specific about the shit he did to bring it about. There are a ton of country westerns and ballads along the same lines but the song is a bit novel in how the radically contrasting chump perspective follows the whiny-weenie FW lament and fills in the missing narrative.
I think the implication is that the male narrator was in an endless cycle of getting hung up on former partners who shut him out for (aside from cheating– i.e. “screwing over”) being hung up on former partners who shut him out and on and on.
I don’t know if the song is just an unironic asshole confessional or deliberately ironic but the takeaway is pretty much that FWs find NC and the loss of centrality the most confounding which is interesting.
“but the takeaway is pretty much that FWs find NC and the loss of centrality the most confounding which is interesting.”
My FW over the course of the long drawn out discard/separation/divorce etc would cycle through different stances. Now, we have been very low contact for about a year. And since then, two themes are brought up frequently.
He had a long term affair, he was abusive prior to and during it, he was awful in the divorce settlement process. He was awful after. Why would I want to have anything to do with him? And I mean, HE is the one that threw away 2+ decades first. But yet, he acts posiively flummoxed.
And it really shouldn’t be surprising that if your wife divorces you, you don’t get to control her anymore. But he keeps trying and I keep eluding him. At this point there is a liit to what he can even try to control, but he still tries.
Very strange how those who can’t hold on also can’t let go.
I’m just glad he didn’t try to make you his “spirit wife” a la that heinous Guns N’ Roses song:
I used to love her but I had to kill her
I knew I’d miss her so I had to keep her
She’s buried right in my backyard
I was certainly convinced he might at one point. And I still have safety precautions in place. There’s no doubt in my mind that the idea that things could have gone easier for him if I was permanently out of the way crossed his mind.
Early on when the AP was still in the picture? He came to a crossroads at one point and realized that to move forward with her meant changes in the rest of his life that he hadn’t considered. People finding out that he was “that guy”, his kids being affected, maybe even the loss of cake.
And that was when he suggested the idea that we would remain best friends, do holidays together, hang out, have family dinners etc all WITH the AP. She could move into a house nearby so that he was able to spend time equally amongst his soul mate and me, his best friend. We wouldn’t even need to get divorced. (To be clear, this wasn’t exactly an offer of polyamory/open marriage/sister wives as WE wouldn’t be romantically linked anymore)
It was the most batshit thing I had ever heard in my life. (I hadn’t found CL yet, nor CN so I hadn’t seen everyone else’s batshit stories which don’t normalize mine but do make it less unique than I had originally thought LOL)
To me, this nonsedsical solution was almost equally as desperate as the people who kill their spouse to make way for the AP. And it has the same end goal, to somehow get to be with schmoops, without all that messy stuff like losing money, social standing, time with the kids.
You wrote: “And that was when he suggested the idea that we would remain best friends, do holidays together, hang out, have family dinners etc all WITH the AP. She could move into a house nearby…”.
Exactly what Fotis Dulos envisioned for his family– that AP Michelle Traconis and her daughter would move in with his wife and kids. And when Jennifer Dulos didn’t go for it, Fotis “disappeared” her.
The Dulos case was what made me think that it’s often the most potentially explosive abusers who float this “Let’s all live together” thing. For one I think it screams of masked dependency which Dutton and Golant report is a trait seen in some of the most explosively violent abusers– often the ones whose victims are found splattered in little pieces while perps won’t even remember what set them off or what they did.
Then the sheer degree to which that kind of offer is disconnected from reality should be a flaming red flag for psychopathy. Plus I just have a gut instinct that the idea is subconsciously meant as a way staying out of prison because, deep down, they know the murder fantasies will ramp up and overtake them once victims escape their control.
That’s why I think it’s literally dangerous to buy into the “masked” part of masked dependency and take at face value that post-separation abuse is only motivated by appearances, money and custody and that abusers otherwise have zero intentions of hoovering back to their chumps in future. That view fails to prepare victims and their supporters for the degree of psychological abuse or violence that can follow when chumps refuse to accept this kind of weird “standby” role.
Nevertheless, bystanders often urge victims to “just accept that FWs don’t care” on the idea that it’s smoking hopium, “hanging on” or even flattering themselves to assume abusers actually do “care” deep down. But what isn’t being considered in that view is that, deep down, these abusers are only capable of a type of fixation and mewling, drooling dependency which, if it weren’t carefully disguised, rather than being “flattering” or “heartwarming,” would make most people immediately get the ick and bolt.
I think in many cases it’s basically a stalkerish brand of “wuv”- at best “Uncle Ernie from Tommy” and at worst “Bundy.” Maybe people’s confusion about this is due to the fact that a lot of the culture (aside from those who’ve experienced stalking) still believes obsession is a normal component of actual love.
By that token, what demanding the standby role may really be about is roping discarded (“for now”) victims into enabling the fiction that abusers aren’t dependent on them and territorial towards them. In other words, if victims are kept within reach (like keeping a porn video on file even after it fails to get them off just in case it ever does again), it won’t set off the Category 5 separation anxiety and rage that disordered individuals with reactive attachment disorder are said to experience.
Abusers who mask their dependency might very well consciously think they’re solely driven by money, custody and image during the discard stage but the “mask” in masked dependency isn’t (theoretically speaking) just to conceal MOs from partners and bystanders. It’s so abusers can conceal this MO from themselves. I imagine this is because the mewling, drooling, repulsively infantile dependency they develop within long term relationships is so catastrophically shameful to this type of personality that they simply can’t own it.
Anyway, I’m just repeating old points but I think it perfectly explains the unnecessary bravado and cruelty during discard. Again, if you really want someone to move on and leave you alone, why constantly put them down and rub their face in your rejection of them? Why not build them up and make them hope for a better future?
That is a terrifying thing to read. I didn’t know that about Fotis Dulos. I thought my FW was the only one crazy enough to think that was an option. I had heard plenty of stories where the FW suggests polyamory or an open marriage- but not this specific brand of crazy which just doesn’t even make sense. He may as well have said “I want to move on into my new life, but have you stay here too, so that YOU can’t move into a new life, and so I don’t have to deal with any of the unpleasant parts of leaving a marriage to start a new relationship.” The audacity!
He went as far as to say that if I didn’t, my kids would miss out and so would I– a veiled threat of how I’d have to give up all our family traditions, ad the AP would be the one having them.
And you are right, you said: “Then the sheer degree to which that kind of offer is disconnected from reality should be a flaming red flag for psychopathy.”
It did set off alarms in my head, because it was just so unreasonable. Especially given how jealous HE is, flip the scrpt and he would never be open to the same offer.
But even though alarms were ringing, it wasn’t enough to get me out immediately. I was more scared that it would actually happen, that I would end up as some kind of platonic Sister Wife with this woman living next door, because I was not yet in therapy and I really needed it. I was way too entrenched in the “do what he says or he will be mad phase”. So when he suggested this situiation, I at first couldn’t believe he was serious and then immediately started worrying about how I would get out of it.
Sorry to spook you but it’s one of the really standout details from the Jennifer Dulos case. It’s also kind of a “thing” in the DV arena– batterers who want to continue cock-blocking their victims on any pretext or excuse even after separation and divorce (or prosecution).
In any case, I think it’s the spookiness of it that upends any victim-blaming psychobabble that might be aimed at you. I think it should be pretty clear that any periods of paralysis you experienced could be easily ascribed to mortal terror, not cOdEpEnDenCy or whatever.
Oops, the black box was destroyed in the crash. No data to extract. Let them go “sit” with the mystery lol.
You — and our kids — … deserve safety, consistency, and love that you can trust.
If that’s the case, why did he invalidate his own son when he was injured!?
This piece is typical AI. As a former comp teacher, I know it when I see it most of the time. I actually made a lateral move within my school to another department to escape the comp world because the AI use was getting so bad.
Anyway, so I went no contract during the divorce process and then email-only, all business during closeout. My ex is a very, very wordy person. When I was still getting my ex’s long missives in closeout, my attorney taught me the BIFF method and said to BCC him on every reply because there was indeed a smidgeon of closeout stuff in each one. My attorney actually got a kick out of all of that and assured me that he didn’t dwell long but only looked for the few critical sentences and then my reply to make sure we were staying on track.
There were indeed a few times when my ex was ranting about things that had already been handled, and he generally apologized when I pointed that out.
But big apologies/amends for all the chaos, nope. Not ever.
As someone who loves language but sucks at understanding grammatical rules and only has a gut sense of why AI-generated speech feels “off,” I would love to read a technical breakdown by a comp expert on all the ways AI is detectable and different from actual human-generated written messages. I can “sense” it kind of like a monkey figuring out that a bowl of plaster fruit is fake but can’t explain it.
As a side note I found it interesting to learn that the faculty for understanding grammar actually relates to mathematical and analytical intelligence as much as it does to language skills. Which explains why I also suck at math… 😉
This is a good article that a number of us were passing around last summer: https://medium.com/@SandleenShah/how-to-detect-ai-vs-human-written-content-a-comparison-f3a13903dca3.Of. Of course, it’s getting harder and harder to tell.
A significant development, though, was when a student who typically expressed themselves in very basic sentences and struggled to meet the minimum word count suddenly began using much more complicated sentences and easily passed the minimum word count requirements. I could also tell by examining document parameters to see how much time they actually spent on the piece. With Copilot being automatically integrated into Word in January 2025, I spent the rest of the school year nagging them not to use it and trying to figure out who was using it. Several admitted they were “lightly” using it, and frankly, I couldn’t tell.
So yes, I emailed my headmaster to take me off composition entirely. Thankfully, I had another option.
I don’t blame you for moving in a different direction. It seems to be a new era of cheaters. Plus AI itself is plagiarizing so anyone using it is doing so secondarily.
Thank you for the article. 🙂
Sending it on what would have been your anniversary is a “nice” touch. I find our “would be” anniversaries weird now. “Oh, this would have been x number of years” but it isn’t so…I guess that day should cease to mean anything really.
Depending on where you are in your healing process, maybe that day is a hard one. I am not fully at meh, but the anniversaries do not bum me out one bit. I should figure out my first day of meeting with my therapist, and celebrate THAT day, as that was the the first step in getting OUT. That is an importamnt day that reflects my current life. Not an anniversary that marks somethig that no longer exists.
Anyway, as far as apologies go, I have gotten several. Maybe he means them in that moment but he is unable to regulate his emotions and he goes back to a place of blaming me/hating me/being scary to me soon enough. Kind of negates the apology. And makes future apologies less well received. Go be sorry way over there and leave me alone.
I feel like the best response for the OP here is to not respond at all. At the end of the day, if he were actually growing and becoming a better man, that is good. It is good for him. (not that we care if he has good things), it is good for his kids that see him 10% of the time and it is good for the world at large, if he truly is improving, that is one less FW in the world. So ok, *IF* he is doing the work, and that is a BIG if, it’s a good thing. (And I sincerely doubt he is actualy growing, it is so rare in these types)
But it is none of OP’s business. If he feels sorry, that too is not something she needs to know. He can go be better way over there away from her. He presumes that his growth is good news for her. But I contend that it has nothing to do with her. The idea that she needs an update on his emotional state? Nope. She is out and doesn’t need to worry about you anymore, whether the news is good or bad.
You wrote: “Maybe he means them [apologies] in that moment but he is unable to regulate his emotions and he goes back to a place of blaming me/hating me/being scary to me soon enough.”
I was thinking about this a lot recently– that what partly defines a disordered partner is similar to a shitty Wifi signal. Any capacity for “wuv” just randomly fades in and out and is never consistent enough to download anything intelligible.
I heard my FW is making AI generated sad sausage/ hoovering/ smear campaign profile pictures that everyone sees. It’s a picture of him sitting alone on a bench in our favorite place with a caption „Missing you so much“. Ultimate image management. I have so many ideas on how to reply with my own AI generated image of the crap he has pulled, but following CL advice of „if it feels good, don’t do it“
That stuff is so incredibly infuriating. The FW in my situation is more subtle. I don’t think he wants to post a pic like that where just anyone could see it, because frankly, he is hoping NOT to draw attention to his situation. There may be people out there that do not know that we don’t talk. Who think we are on good terms. He’d rather not alert those people to the truth.
But he does tell some people his sad sausage story. I ran into a friend of his recently and they told me they had just caught up with him a few nights prior, and how he loves me so much and misses me so much. How sad he is about how things have gone.
This happened on a busy sidewalk. And this guy is his friend, not mine. (I mean, he is a nice enough guy, I like him, I was happy to see him but he isn’t really a mutual friend. He is my ex’s friend, no question) I just gave him a look and didn’t bother trying to set that story straight. Told him it was great to see him. And kept it moving.
But of course it still irked me to think that my ex probably told him a sad tale of woe of how he made a (singular) mistake and now I would never forgive him and he is just so broken up about it.
He had no problem having a 6 year affair though.That part didn’t leave him despondent.
Also atleast 6 year affair and I also got a (singular) mistake. But „mistake“ was in quotes. So pretty sure AI didn’t write that one. So infuriating.
That singular mistake BS is in the top 3 most aggravating things to hear from the FW. It seems that SO many of them try to use it. Six years of an affair- how can any of that be singular? It is mind boggling.
Just because you don’t do the thing that feels good doesn’t rule out imagining it. For instance, you could (in a better world) respond with a picture of you sitting on a park bench laughing your ass off with a posse of affectionate friends and supporters surrounded by flowers in bloom. Or something like that. 😉
“just because you don’t do the thing that feels good doesn’t rule out imagining it. ”
This is one of my favorite coping mechanisms, actually. And since I am considering things that I won’t ACTUALLY do, I can daydream of the absolute most insane ideas.
Then I send the scenarios to my friend group chat and we all laugh.
It can be little things. I had an ex, named Tristan. He was the last guy I dated before the FW. My ex was obsessed with Tristan and never stopped bringing him up for the 2+ decades we were married. That probably should have been a sign.
Anyway, we had a snow storm and my ex, who I was not speaking to, texted to see if I had any trouble clearing the driveway. This might sound kind on the surface, but trust me, it was just a way for him to try to find a way back in. My friend said “You should have told him Tristan came by and plowed you.” I have not spoken to Tristan in 30 years, but I guarantee you, had I said that, whether he caught the double-entendre or not, FW’s head would have exploded. THOSE are the kind of scenarios I like to think about. The truth is, I would never do it because I won’t poke that bear. I am still afraid of him and am not tryng to set him off. But it is fun to think about.
But, ironically, as you stated elsewhere on this thread, the thing that actually gets to a FW the most is the loss of centrality. So going no contact is the ultimate revenge. And the bonus is, that is what you need to heal anyway. And that is going to keep the court and the law on your side. It’s the ideal move, and it bothers them the most.
But thinking about the revenge fantasies is still a fun way to get over a rough afternoon. Or have a laugh with your friends.
I read a study about how people who exact mild revenge (harmless pranks, mild vengeance) tend to be more psychologically resilient or healthy or something.
My therapist laughed when I told her how I used to lull myself to sleep at night imagining a fiery single car freeway wreck involving the school principal who deliberately covered up for staff physical abuse of my tiny disabled son.
She had double PhDs from Trinity and was head of her department but I think her most valuable trait was a pretty good gut sense of who would or wouldn’t actually act on these kinds of daydreams. Apparently I don’t really read as “a danger to self and others.”
I wasted a lot of time wishing/hoping for an apology. But six years after our divorce was official, I now realize that it would have been neither honest nor sincere. I couldn’t have believed a word he said, and would have been looking for the manipulation behind the faux apology. So what’s the point?
Im so grateful my cheaters, both x husband’s, had never apologized, could not get the words sorry out, could not write the word sorry, nor act sorry, nor breathe sorry. My last X did say if I got better at pleasing him, upped my unknown dance for him,He would stay. IF I did better with his demands. The gilded gift of Him would await me and I could keep the house and him. I have a great deal of sympathy for the chumps that got the sorry in all forms but they were lies. I’m sorry you felt you had to reconcil only to find out they were lying. I never got any sadness just more arrogance and very entitled. It was raw but it broke my denial.
Any FW apology, whether AI or human generated, is just an attempt to source cake. I recently received a bullshit apology letter from my fuckwit nearly 7 months after DDay. Had he apologized in the immediate aftermath, I might have been more open to it, but all I got was lies, rage,and gaslighting. An apology on HIS time and HIS terms is absolutely meaningless. It just demonstrates his fundamental inability to feel any empathy or to even consider where I’m at or what he put me through. It’s just more manipulation. He wasn’t suddenly hit with a wave of contrition or remorse, he wanted something from me. I figured he either missed or backyard (which is really nice during the summer) or was having trouble getting laid. Although not AI generated, it had all the sincerity of a line of code programmed by an 18 year old tech bro.
A line of code programmed by an 18 yer old tech bro: “I feels your pane. Let me use the hammock in the backyard. And does you have any snacks and money?”
I think had I gotten that email (we didn’t have email back then) I would have said “Who is this?”
PRICELESS!!!! I am keeping that in my pocket for later, when my youngest is 18. Maybe I won’t block FW’s number until he sends a text and I can say that, THEN block him.
This letter has gave me the icks, whether it’s AI generated or not. What in the world are you supposed to do with it? To me, it generates confusion, which I’ve learned is a way of hiding abuse.
A few years ago, about a year after my divorce, the XH emailed me a very short letter, stating that he had become active in AA again and was working the step where you “become willing to make amends,” and could he meet with me.
I hated that letter because it brought back to me my history of jumping in and reading into his words what I wanted to believe while ignoring his lack of action. And I was able to see so clearly his pattern of putting forth an idea and letting someone else do all the heavy lifting.
It also said nothing to me. So what if he was becoming willing to make amends! It wasn’t actually making amends. And what would be amends for 35 years of deceit, spending unknown amounts of money, and giving me an STD? At that point, he wasn’t offering anything- he probably wanted to just check the box with his AA sponsor.
I decided to answer it with a simple “I don’t feel comfortable meeting with you.”
Never heard from him since.
OMG this brings back a pathetic memory. My STBX’s sex addiction counselor is big on having FW’s write amends letters. But these guys are so emotinally stunted that he provided them with templates written by other guys, and then all they had to do was basically cut and paste. Nothing says forgiveness like a form letter from your husband!
Every damn one of the templates ended in a promise to renew the wedding vows. So my STBX promised that as well, but when I asked him a question about it, he stared at me with a completely blank face. He’d already forgotten.
Anniversaries? August 13, 2015 is the day my entire world changed. He packed a small duffel bag, left and left me with three post-it notes: “It’s about us”, “Let’s make this work”, and “Maybe we can date”.
Apologies? I have never even received an EXPLANATION! After a 36 year marriage, I was not even given a heads-up that he was filing for a divorce. My notification came with the Marshall knocking on my door!
I don’t need an apology. These ten years have given me clarity. May he and his “side piece” live happily ever after. He is her problem now.
I am dying of laughter! “The UBT would like to suggest that he sit on a syphilitic porcupine. Only as a necessary part of his growth.”
AI is useful to CLs, too! My pet name for FW was “Unctuous Invertebrate” after betrayal. I had AI generate artwork of this concept: greasy, oily, lying, worm with no spine. It looked truly disgusting, like a Martian caterpillar and amused me greatly. (This was before meh.)