UBT: How do I find that next married man?

delusionalA woman writes to the Life and Style section of the Guardian newspaper to ask whatever shall she do when her affair of 10 years ends? She has such high standards. It’s not as if she can just go online shopping at Easy Undiscriminating Guys R Us. Do you know how hard it is to find a man who wants no-strings-attached sex?

Judging by the 40 million or so Ashley Madison members, it’s apparently impossible.

She writes to the Guardian to get reader feedback on her quandary. Something tells me my reply would not be among the “Guardian Picks.”

As she’s asking for responses, I thought it only fair to put her dilemma through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

I’ve been having sex regularly with a married man for about 10 years. The sex is amazing, which is why we’ve continued for so long.

Well that and the ability to suffocate our consciences with a pillow of sociopathy. Yes, the sex is amazing in that let’s-fuck-but-I-wouldn’t-want-to-introduce-you-to-anyone kind of way.  #stillwithhiswife #10years

We are intellectually matched and get on very well, but neither of us want the relationship to be anything more than it is.

No, I’m fine with it being nothing more than it is. Really okay. Peachy. Did I mention we both like Tolstoy and clandestine fucking? We’re intellectually matched! By “matched” I don’t mean in the relationship sense. But in the we-get-on-very-well-in-a-non-relationship-relationship sort of way. I WANT MORE. It’s sophisticated.

I feel lucky to have what I have with him.

It’s so rare to find a cheater. I should thank my lucky stars.

I am independent and very happy not to be in a “normal” relationship.

Normal relationships? Who needs them? Which is why I’m publicly reaching out to thousands of strangers to ask how I can get another man. I NEED A MAN. #happywithmyindependence

I work overseas a lot and having him to satisfy me when I am back is perfect. I am very content with all aspects of my life.

He’s like one of those General Mills International Coffee advertisements — so satisfying! Go through customs, take a taxi home, unpack, screw the married guy. Repeat for a decade. Spend holidays alone looking at my airport gift shop snow globe collection. Wonder why he hasn’t called. Text him furtively. “LoveUBabe” reply at 3 a.m. Smash Denver snow globe against wall. Fuck him. He texts, “Tuesday’s good.” I text back “K”. I pick up the shards of my shattered snow globe. A faint trail of glitter tears remains on the wall. Everything is perfect. I am very content with all aspects of my life.

However, I know that the relationship will come to a natural conclusion at some point. As that time gets closer (we don’t have a fixed date, but we are not getting any younger),

I am aging. There is no fixed date on my obsolescence. Forty grows closer. My tits are kinda saggy. I will be replaced. #naturalconclusions

I wonder how I will feel.

Will I boil a bunny?

Yes, I will be immensely sad to have lost a special, intimate relationship but I am not sure if I will suddenly want to share my life with someone full-time.

Men who want me full-time are just lining up. I have a world of options. Which is why I’ve chosen to secretly fuck a married guy for a decade. #special

If I do, how will I go about finding that next someone?

Ashley Madison, Adult Friend Finder, Craigslist… However how?

I will have such high expectations that I wonder if I will ever find another man who can make me feel satisfied – both sexually and emotionally.

I can’t tolerate a full-time relationship. Or sharing an intellectual connection. Or open intimacy. My high expectations of deep shallowness are very difficult.

I don’t want what I have to stop, but I know that is not possible.

He’s going to throw me under the bus soon. And I will lose that special intimacy that comes from being utterly expendable.

There must be others, both the single lover and the married one, who have had a similar experience.

How did you ever move on? Is there an app for this? Can I swipe right and find another? Help me.

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Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
7 years ago

Do you have her email address? We can all email her our cheaters’ names. She’ll have a lifetime of fuck buddies, otherwise known as soul mates with expiration dates.

Darkstar
Darkstar
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Hahaha good idea

elle madison
elle madison
6 years ago
Reply to  Darkstar

OMG! Luv this!!!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

You’ll find Mr. Sparkles in the supplements aisle…. he’ll give you that sense of HOPE but you’ll never see REAL CHANGE.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

^^ this.

Think of all that Tolstoy…

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

+1

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Oh, scratch him from the list. She wants amazing sex and he’s out of the pool as he’s not married.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

BOOM.

Rebecca
Rebecca
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

I love the above!
Email address or snail mail – we should all write and give her our male cheaters’ contact info. That would keep her busy.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

UniqleyMe – or soulmates sans the souls.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

hahahaha! 🙂

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

“Soul mates with expiration dates!”
I love it!
The ones from the dairy section expire really quickly and obviously.
Mine was more from the herbs and spices section – lost his flavor but I allowed him to sit in the cupboard a long time before I threw him out.

just around the bend
just around the bend
7 years ago

“The ones from the dairy section expire really quickly and obviously.”

Except the ones with the higher fat contents.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
7 years ago

Thanks for making this so much fun, Louisvilleflower! Mine would never even make it to the shelf. It would have been rejected in the production line.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Rejected in the production line! bwahaha.

omg – you guys owe me two keyboards now.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago

Mine would be a milk past it’s expiration date. It looks fine until you open the container and then it’s a horrible smell you cannot un-smell. Yuck!

btw, “open the container” equates to “see behind the mask”.

Kristen
Kristen
7 years ago

My ex packaged himself as a wholesome, healthy, and whole-grain, but upon more careful inspection turned out to be chock full of preservatives, artificial ingredients, and toxic molds. Buyer beware!

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

FUGU. Maybe it should be my new name for him. I don’t like the ones I have. But it sounds too cute. Could replace G with K … kinda contrived.

Anyhow, what, you ask, is fugu? An adorable little puffer fish, an “elite delicacy” in Japan. And among the most deadly edibles on the planet.

“Coursing throughout its vital fish organs is deadly venom—tetrodotoxin– that renders its attackers paralyzed. Ingest enough of this fish’s poison and you’ll go belly-up, too dying a slow death from conscious paralysis and asphyxia. Currently, no type of anti-venom exists to undo what’s done from fugu poisoning.”

“Regardless of the risk … licensed fugu chefs [who do many things to minimize risk]…” in Japan’s most opulent restaurants “prepare fugu for high society types, fugu aficionados, and culinary thrill seekers.”

“Has fugu killed anyone? You bet it has … For true gastronomic satisfaction the best chefs … prepare fugu laced with a remaining trace of venom, which reportedly tingles on the tongue, providing the eater with a sensory brush with death. The potential risk makes fugu even more a thrill to consume …”^

I heard about this fatally poisonous ersatz delicacy 10 months ago. Unbeknownst to me until recently, pretty sure I have been eating small bites for 10 years, probably hidden by Gaslighter in expensive chocolate truffles I love. The chefs are damn near everyone around both of us, all of his coworkers, and especially, his now THREE consecutive therapists (one was our prior MC) who bought his act, i.e. neurotically repressed and vulnerable [to abuse by Claire]. Their assistance with his “insight” cranked out “a happy, well-adjusted abuser.”^^

Yep. Fugu. In the disgusting delicacy aisle. The fucking things will NEVER be on the endangered species list.

^http://www.culinaryschools.org/cuisine/10-disgusting-delicacies/, accessed 9/19/16

^^Lundy Bancroft, “Why Does He Do That?”, p. 355. (https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656)

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Claire,myou are not alone, exasshole learned new abuse tactics form therapy and began accusing me of abuse. He went further. When he attacked me after I told him we were divorcing he got me arrested, rather than him. Slick motherfucker he is.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

OMG, Datdamwuf, that’s HIDEOUS. Just wrong. I am so furious just picturing that!

I keep thinking, nah, … he’s not going to turn this. No one will believe that a 5’5″, small woman could do anything to a 6’1″, 210 man. BUT his male therapist called mine to report that we had to “address violence.”

Mine looked at me quizzically. I said, “He’s never hit me.” Uh, no. We needed to discuss MY violence against him. I said I had no idea what anybody was talking about. Got filled in.

Four years ago, he came home at 5 a.m. First time that late. Didn’t answer phone. Coworkers vouch that he was at a company party. (Uh, so was OW. And it was at a local hotel.) I think he drinks too much, and he falls asleep at the wheel. I was worried sick. He came in, jauntily. He’d harangued me about a lot. Something in me snapped.

I explained how I felt. For the first time, I got the dead eyed stare. He said, “So?”

“So that’s NOT okay!”

He,”Oh, YOU’RE one to talk. SUCH a paragon of virtue.” (Ongoing issue about which he is delusional and enraged.)

He smirked, smugness oozing. I could see he thought he’d shut me up but good. I snapped. For the first and last time in my life, I slapped another human being. He howled like a wounded wolverine, said I’d left a bruise (hadn’t), and I’d slapped so hard that his ears were still ringing. My therapist actually laughed, probably because I was so horrified, and said he deserved it. I could not believe my ears. About any of it.

I’m beginning to wonder though, about the other way around. Violent porn now. Authority-figure men, raping women who are often bound, and gang rape. I won’t touch him. OW and he just ARE are a disease, and his mind is rotten. God this shit sucks.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Claire–that is alarming. HIS therapist wants to talk to you about having slapped him years ago?

No fucking way do you go to that therapy session.Your STBX is setting you up for some heavy current accusations. I do wish you’d tell your full story in the forums; count me as worried that staying in the same house as your cheater until you line up your ducks is putting you at risk (whether lawyer- or therapist-sanctioned; not even professionals understand the depth to which the disordered will sink). Please get out as soon as you can.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I just finished a good book called, ‘Sudden Endings’ by Madeline Bennett.
The last few pages deals with the movie – The War of the Roses and how it depicts how mean and violent it becomes at the end.
It’s not really a comedy at all. The author, who also made the movie, wanted to depict how desperate the hate can become.

I quote, “Barbara’s (Rose) terminal fury at her husband really starts as an internal squall. Feelings of disgust and contempt seem to gather and then – like the rejecting husbands whose wives I interviewed – she erupts in rage and attempts to eject him as if he was overloading her lifeboat. Whether he deserves this treatment is irrelevant. Typical of rejecting spouses, she has deleted all positive memories of her marriage. . . .Barbara Rose’s incipient hostility intensifies into bad-object rage…wishing he would have died of a heart attack instead of a small intestinal issue…..
And, of course, ‘Oliver disregards his wife’s assaults and her dire warning:”You have no idea what I’m capable of’.

The whole thing sure holds true to form. Just may have to watch that movie again.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

I heard about that…for people who have grown weary of sushi, and like to mix possible death with eating.

Claire, are you no contact with this poisonous freak?

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

God, I would LOVE NC. No. I LIVE with him. Long story, buying attorney- and therapist-approved time. Feel shy, embarrassed (ashamed?) about telling the story. I find it … repulsive. And it’s almost too convoluted to be believed. Maybe I have internalized his poison. Hence fugu.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

Velveeta. Bright and cheerful looking, but artificial and fake in every way. But low class non-discriminating types cannot get enough of it. Pairs well with spam.

Geode
Geode
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Mine can be found in the fine confections aisle at a trendy food mart. Shiny wrapper covering a rich chocolate outside. Totally nuts on the inside.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

That is great, DixieChump! “low class non-discriminating types cannot get enough of it” !!!

Brightness
Brightness
7 years ago

LouisvilleFlower,
Darkness is definitely found on the clearance shelf. Jumbled in the chaotic pile of almost expired dry food and over ripe fruit/veg. He’s the stale bread that you have to sniff to check for mold.

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Brightness

Fatty meat. Flavorless. A 200 lb chub.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago

Lottery dispenser. You keep investing and come out a loser EVERY. DAMN.TIME.

champchump
champchump
7 years ago

Every damn time is right.

Mine is like a carton of cigarettes. Highly addictive, but will kill you in the end. Needs a warning label on the packaging.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  champchump

Oh. Good one.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

That’s it.
A big trick.

kb
kb
7 years ago

Wow, Louisvilleflower! I was already laughing at the UBT, but you made me snort my coffee!

Ah, CheaterX is tofu. He picks up the flavor of whatever you put next to him. That’s why he can switch from raging bigot (use of the n-word, homophobic remarks, etc.) to diversity advocate, from alt-right to ultra-liberal. Just change whatever his podcast is, and he’ll pick up the flavor immediately.

Whatever opinion he’s exposed to, he’ll embrace completely and passonately–making it his own until the next opinion comes along.

Looking back, I think that’s also how he handles relationships. Hmm…Schmoopie has a limited shelf life, lol!

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  kb

These folks, the disordered are shape shifters, chameleons. It is pretty well established that the cluster B’s are experts at mirroring.
I discovered, after I was married to my second wife for a short time, that she is racially bigoted. I listened to her bad mouth black people all the time.
Sure enough, after she and her initial affair partner split, she started seeing a married black guy. Now, they are married.
I bet the guy has no idea how bigoted she is.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
7 years ago
Reply to  kb

Kb, you nailed it, exasshole appeared to be liberal and a feminist for years. After divorce shit started I found out he was a racist pig. They mirror us nod others. It’s sick as hell

EyesOpenNow
EyesOpenNow
7 years ago

Love it, Louisvilleflower! Everyone here is so creative, it brightens my day every time.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

Great analogy. My ex is a cup of yogurt left on the shelf too long. It looks perfectly lovely and healthy on the outside, but as soon as you buy him and take him home, you realize the inside is rotten. The only option is to throw it away and start over again with a new one.

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

+1 Yep, “The only option is to throw it away and start all over again with a new one” Love this!!! Lol

Chompingchump
Chompingchump
7 years ago

Fish aisle -he looked expensive and sophisticated but after you’ve bought him you realize he’s slimy and slippery with an undefinably rotten aftertaste.

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

@Louisvilleflower — WOW, are you daring us to match your creativity here? OK, I’ll take a shot . . .

Kunty Kibbler is more from the deli section — unoffensive as presented in the display, but thinking about the ingredients, and how it’s made, makes you want to vomit.

Arnold
Arnold
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

WTF is wrong with this woman? Just go to a bar, pick up a guy and start fucking. If he is no good, just repeat the process.
This is not rocket science. If she has lost her looks etc. she may have to shoot lower. Augment this with a vibrator if necessary.
This woman must be dumb as shit. Just go out and ask some random guys to bang you, lady. Test drive a bunch of them. How fucking complicated is it?

2days19hrs
2days19hrs
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Married men pay to play. She’s not admitting it here but I’d bet the black off my ass he’s”helping” her here and there, buying crap and guys at the bar aren’t gonna do that. Why else do most OW stay quiet and accepting so long? These glorified prostitutes get rent and utilities paid, free cars or car notes, cellphones and all they have to do is slob it once every few days or times per month.

If course the other type of OW exists who is truly just in it for the sex but to go 10 years with the fact that there has to be literally millions of other ready to party penises out there? Trust me she is looking for her next long term John.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Yah, and remember she is looking for an intellectual equal. The search might be soooo long and difficult. Gag.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

For some reason Arnold it’s more exciting knowing they are married.

C.
C.
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Aspartame. Appears sweet and goes with everything. Originally everyone thinks he’s ‘healthy’ for you. But rots you insides, distorts your brain, and kills your soul. And NEVER tasted as good as the authentic stuff.
Don’t want to dump it down the drain or into the landfill let it poison some innocents.
Chuck into the fireplace for the perfect cleanse.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  C.

Hmm, I call the x “pink sugar daddy”, they think their getting a real sugar daddy, but he’s just fake!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  C.

He is in the dented can basket in thei center aisle without a label. Three for a dollar. You never know what your getting.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

They should come labeled, right? With large warning labels.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Uniquelyme–that is hysterical! Do let me know if you have her email address; there are signs of cracking in Hannibal’s New Life with 20-year Younger Girlfriend (he thinks she needs anti-depressants–poor AP/GF is suffering from narcissistic abuse?).

My X definitely belongs in the school supplies section–the 6 pack of glitter.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ha, Tempest. Somehow, I am not surprised. Cheater ex is complaining to co-workers that the OWife is draining him financially and that she doesn’t make a lot of money. He told folks that “she used to make a lot of money”. She was unemployed for a couple of years when they met and he obviously bought her story that she had the potential of making a ton of money, and she bought his story that he can support her ridiculous, very expensive lifestyle. House built on sand (and lies) and all that is now crumbling down. And yes, my favorite word is also schadenfreude.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

Complaining is the first step to cheating, if he hasn’t already done it.

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I think he would be more like a protractor- all sorts of angles and triangulation…

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Now Tempest, you seem quite chuffed about Hannibal’s latest predicament. It’s almost like you’re gloating. But you’re a good chump. You’d never revel in the pain of another.

What, verbatim, pray tell did you hear about AP? How soon will she be sent to the padded room? Should we keep her away from sharp objects and open windows?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Is it telling that my favorite non-English word is shadenfreude (though only when the pain is deserved)? His AP/GF knew he was married with 2 children when she started carrying on with him, and she herself was married with two children. k.a.r.m.a?

To quote Oscar Wilde, “To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.”

In Hannibal’s case, this will be not “both,” but the THIRD wife/live-in girlfriend who started to show signs of cracking after life with him. He, of course, will never conclude that the problem is him, but other people might.

Sweatpants
Sweatpants
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

There must be something in the cheater water. I too have heard rumblings that the great love that cannot be denied is in fact headed for divorce after 2 short years. Turns out that while I’m a bitch much younger second wife is a basket case. Naturally the Big Boss remains perfect in every way. And I’m definitely not gloating 😉

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh, that one is easy…….rat poison, as in the kind that makes the consumer slowly bleed to death over time, while it thinks it is eating something delicious.

Ali Rose
Ali Rose
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

My ex belonged in the paper products aisle – he was a real asswipe.

MNbordergirl
MNbordergirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

MIne was a suppository. He wanted other people (Ideally men) to put things up his @$$

Aletheia
Aletheia
7 years ago
Reply to  Ali Rose

I think mine was over inflated bag of chips. When you open it, barely any there, mostly broken and stale. Nothing like advertised.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Aletheia

Mine was poisoned cider and cookies.

Louisvilleflower
Louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Love it! Let’s put him back through the grinder!

I hope others join in! Mondays always need more humor!!

denvergirl
denvergirl
7 years ago

Mine would be a kumquat . Cute but you got nothing to work with . His real nickname is wannabeman.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

Cat Toy section ~~~ ready for the next pussy.

MNbordergirl
MNbordergirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

too good!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

awesome!

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

mic drop!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Mine would be in the isle between the Jiffy corn muffin mix and the Nestle Tollhouse cookies as in….. Duncan Hines “Cake”.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Cake! Lol

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Bread aisle. He had a half-baked idea of marriage and was already a little stale when we got together. I am 11 years younger than he is, but the OW is 31 years younger! Closer to our kids’ age than to mine. Gross.

Ashley
Ashley
7 years ago

Fucktard was like an open bottle of wine. The first glass or two and I was feeling so happy and the love tasted great but within a few days was as sour as vinegar.

Lldodd60
Lldodd60
7 years ago

Okay I thought 21 years was bad but 31? Is he fucking a teenager?

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Lldodd60

Yes, it is me, happily ever after !!

JeanM
JeanM
7 years ago
Reply to  Lldodd60

Lldood 60, my exhole grandfather daddy is 30 years older than his “daddy issued” new baby momma!
Yes, they procreated!
They both wirk for a large grocery chain!
Little vomit comes up just typing this!
Any bets on their Expiration dates?
BIZARRE!

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  Lldodd60

X age difference was 40 yrs. I believe I win that contest*** or at least co-win with Maree (I think it’s her.) Nauseating, isn’t it.

***not a contest. Still disgusting.

Champ
Champ
7 years ago

I don’t know what mine would be, but he’d contain alcohol.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago
Reply to  Champ

+1

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
7 years ago

And now, I’m visualizing all of our cheaters as products on store shelves, just waiting to be chosen for this bimbo’s next adventure in her “Eat, Prey, Fuck” fantasy.

Only the store has been picked over in that post-apocalyptic, zombie sense.

And everything is rotten.

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
7 years ago

‘My high expectations of deep shallowness are very difficult.’
Brilliant Chumplady. Let’s hope she stays single for a while, maybe long enough to mature into someone who doesn’t fuck other people’s husbands.

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
7 years ago

My X is from the pet food aisle. He lied about what’s inside and only a bitches would eat him.

getting real
getting real
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

@MissDeltaGirl Holy shit, I think that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  MissDeltaGirl

Lol

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Crazy. Bet she could find plenty of “men” at bars interested in her “no strings attached” proposition. But then she would run the risk of NOT harming a faithful spouse…

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

Interesting, DM. I read the first bunch of comments on the article (criticism, apologia, what’s owed to whom) and I kept thinking, “No, what REALLY drives this insanely cruel woman who put out so many conflicting signals that people are tempted to latch onto every psychological theory except the obvious one?”

Here’s a gem, though not about her per se: “[Y]ou seem to think that people who indulge in extra-marital affairs do so in a callous, selfish way to satisfy their own needs with no regard to the spouses. That is almost always crap! If a person ‘fools around’ it’s usually because their ‘legitimate’ relationship is either dead or seriously damaged.” That comment takes the attention away from this woman’s particular cruelty to women who engage in affairs generally, to affairs generally.

Re-focus. This woman’s particular cruelty?

She likes to inflict pain on other women. She likes control. She likes to win. But mostly, she likes to inflict pain. Occam’s razor.

ArmchairPsychology
ArmchairPsychology
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Not callous or selfish to fuck a married man? What does she think she’s doing them a favor because their relationship is so bad? Give me a break… If the marriage was awful they would have broken up during that decade. The lies these people have to telling themselves to look in the mirror each day… Ugh

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago

Absolutely, Armchair! The disordered rarely stick around for any of the hard stuff. If someone even looks like they want give cheater narc a hard time, cheater narc is outta here.

Awful marriage my butt! BS… BS… BS….

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

The simplest explanation is usually the right one.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Oh, she would have found my husband there. Of course, she wouldn’t have been interested because he took his wedding ring off and told the skanky bar ho’s that he was single!

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

Never

The Limited was PROUD of the fact that she knew he was married as he had his wedding band on. He was excited to tell me, “She knew I was married and didn’t care.”

Guess that’s why he ended up with a crazed mentally ill whore.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Ugh! Doingme, Unfaithful went through many women, and then he found one who didn’t care that he was married either – just like yours!!

She was willing to be a side piece for a couple of years. We met face to face, and I told her we were married, having sex, and raising two kids. She didn’t care about any of it. I kicked him out and now she has him.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
7 years ago

“She was willing to be a side piece …. We (talked on the phone once in the beginning – 3 weeks after DDay #1 for 2 hours) and I told her we were married, having sex, and raising (3) kids. She didn’t care about any of it. I kicked him out and now she has him.

+1

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago

I take comfort in knowing he got a trashy whore in the end. There couldn’t possibly BE a more disgustingly grotesque woman he could have ended up with. For the thrill of the chase he was blinded by the excitement of fucking a pig who picked up one nighters routinely at a bar. He’s embarrassed to be seen with her as she is classless, ugly as can be, and dumb. It was an easy lay that in the end destroyed HIS life, not mine.

So there is no brain tumor. His need to repeat the cycle of the infatuation stage became his downfall as he could no longer find attractive or intelligent. He ended up living in his own self created hell with no way out.

TheClip
TheClip
7 years ago

She needs a mirror….seems to work for parakeets!

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Sweet! Nice to see you chirping in again.

Natalie Can Have Him
Natalie Can Have Him
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

You chumps are so funny, and this entire grocery store analogy exchange is among the most hilarious, creative, wonderful things I’ve ever read. Good stuff!

I wrote the other day about my ex boyfriend, Bob, and I’d like to submit one about him. You’d never find Bob in a run of the mill grocery store, Oh noez! He’s way too uniquely special for such a place; even Whole Foods market would be too pedestrian for the likes of the shiny diamond that is Bob. You’d only find him in some exclusive boutique specialty grocery, perhaps in the condiments aisle, and you’d pay a premium. Let’s say he’s spicy mustard. But,when You’d open the jar, you’d discover he’s just plain old mass produced product, all gussied up and disguised as something one of a kind.

Keep these coming!

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago

Dean & Deluca and Bob and John and Tom and Bill and Brad et all

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

You have been gone for a long time! Nice to see you here!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

For the win!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Applause, TheClip!

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

I think every Monday morning before heading out for work, all us Chumps deserve a good laugh — “Spend holidays alone looking at my airport gift shop snow globe collection. Wonder why he hasn’t called. Text him furtively. “LoveUBabe” reply at 3 a.m. Smash Denver snow globe against wall. Fuck him. He texts, “Tuesday’s good.” I text back “K”. I pick up the shards of my shattered snow globe. A faint trail of glitter tears remains on the wall.” I love you, CL! I don’t know where you come up with this stuff, but you are one of smartest and funniest (sans Jeffrey Dahmers OW, Whore-tons Coffee Snatch — she’s the “funnest person!!” he knows — and “funnest” isn’t even a word — this from a man who has declared himself to be the best in grammar and language composition.) Have a GREAT day, Chumps!!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha – Yes, your Ex OW is so funnest, that she’s a clown and should come out of a clown car. Puleez. It’s as if he’s a teenager describing a girl he likes, she’s the funnest. The description of her is really off. Usually adults describe each other as cultured, interesting, good listener, well traveled, educated, sophisticated, charming, lovely. But funnest?? Who the heck says that past the teen years to describe someone? Not very mature or descriptive. It’s almost he’s like a teen and his parents are away and wants to have fun! Very immature.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kellia, that was my thought EXACTLY! Jeff Dahmer actually said that in the flirtatious, “let’s go out for drinks instead of coffee” email that sent her. And she replied, “Well, you need more fun in your life!” Read it with my own eyes. I really think my ex is a teenager stuck in a mans body. He’s very mature when it comes to his job, but in relationships he just doesn’t get it. Not my problem anymore. Tim Whore-ton Coffee Snatch can have him or all the other ho-workers that he chases!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Fucktard told a friend when he got engaged to the OW that “I feel like it’s prom night.” What the fuck grown man wants to ever feel like prom night again?
Ian?
UXworld?
Arnold?
DavidB?
Allfornothing?
JC?
Anyone else who I’m sorry I didn’t mention?

I mean really, put me in a pink satin puffy sleeve (it was the 80’s) frock, ply me with too much alcohol, I’ll promise you get to go past 3rd base, but I’ll really puke on your shoes.

I can’t believe I married an idiot.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

What?? Prom night? Really, when we were pimply teenagers and had no idea what the heck we were doing. And Prom is overrated, I really didn’t have a good time. I’ve had better times with other friends on vacation or exploring a beautiful countryside. But Prom night isn’t a point in my life I’d like to reference, unless I had NOTHING else going in my life and hadn’t accomplished anything that I have to refer to the teenage years. Ick.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

OMG Kellia – but I will NEVER forget my first dance in 7th Grade and the last song of the night! They were playing Hey Jude, as it had just come out. I am still in love with that guy I slo-danced with! Please don’t tear my fantasy down…

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

What’s third base again? I forgot the rules to the game.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian,

No. What’s on second. I don’t know’s on third.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I think making it to third base means you didn’t quite hit the home run of an orgasm.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, here @ CN we have commented that cheaters act like stupid adolescents. Texting, sexting, love letters, throwing fits, sneaking out of the house, telling ridiculous lies when they get caught, etc. So shallow! They forsake their vows and their family for teenage-type cheap thrills.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago

“They forsake their vows and their family for teenage-type cheap thrills.” Amen!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha, no, your ex’s ow can’t be the Funnest Person, cause my ex’s ow is! At least she’s the “funniest person” he knows. Sorry, loser, actually she’s not. She is a negative, immatutre, dolt of a person who enjoys the misery of others. No one likes her, cause she is such a nasty individual. He was just chasing the new pussy and trying to dress it up, cause he sure couldn’t take it anywhere.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

My exes coffee slut has a little bit of a reputation of being “difficult” at work. lol. Awww, I can’t wait until her mask falls off someday, too. lol. Karma.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

If she’s difficult at work, she’s difficult at home, too. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.

The coffee shop where my X did all his seducing of students closed shortly after my divorce. As my therapist remarked drily, “they should have encouraged a better clientele.”

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I bet you an your therapist got along grand! Funny how so many of us have to go into therapy after all that’s happened to us. They are the one’s that seemed disordered and could benefit from therapy, but they don’t seek it out. We went into faux MC with our pastor and my ex did almost nothing and what he did do was all fake “trying.’ Like I’ve said to my ex many, many times — God has seen it all! And all that lying and faking in church — I’m sure God’s not at all happy about that!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

We all know that liars lie, and cheaters cheat, that’s what they do. The person who wrote the letter is lying about something, I’m not sure what. She is being dumped, maybe Mr. Fuckbuddy can no longer get it up, or he HSS another cheater on the string. Whatever it is, she’s just another pathetic, cheating loser who is “getting on up in years” and being replaced.

By the way, OW, it’s not difficult to find someone to have a “fragment” of a relationship with. If you just want sex, or trust, or intellect, or appearance you can find them easily. The trick is to find all of the things you want in a person, who also finds the things they want (and don’t want) in you.

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

She’s lying about her appeal. She had none.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Asswipe belongs in the frozen food section as most of the time thats what he is frozen but just like ice cream would melt at the site of new pussy. Funny comments. Spit my cofee again!

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Of course we all know that, incredibly, the biggest lies cheaters tell are the ones they tell THEMSELVES. Like thinking they are so sophisticated, or special, or not hurting anyone, or they can trust someone who fucked around on their marriage, or the person who fucked around with them won’t do it to them. Delusional, delusional, delusional. It really should be classified as a mental disorder to be a cheater. Married or single.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Yeah, and instead WE’RE the ones who are crazy.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Agree totally. Asswipe is the biggest liar and hates himself but does nothing to improve himself. He just gets worse and worse as time goes on. He knows hes fucked up but does nothing about it. But im the crazy one, im the unreasonable one. Im the victim. Well i am a victim of his chicanery or rather i was. He plays nothing on me. Just waiting for the motherfucker to close on the house so i can disappear. Do i hate him no thats too much work and time wasted. I just dont care. He lied way too many times. How many times did i lie. Never. Fuck them all.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Kar Marie, you said, ” Do i hate him no thats too much work and time wasted. I just dont care. He lied way too many times.” Interesting. I hadn’t considered that I was still pouring energy into the bastard by hating him. I think I shall stop as he’s not even worth that energy either. I do enjoy talking about the fuck-up here at CN, but it’s good to share and to help newbie chumps. Plus it’s always good to come here for the laughs and the “you too? — that happened to me too!!”

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes indeed martha i do not hate him i now feel nothing for him. Hate takes too much time and real estate in our heads. Too much waste. Feeling nothing is way better for me. I cant hate or feel anything for nothing. Thats what he is to me now just nothing. And he hates that he still loves me, still wants to be my friend, date me, fuck me. Haha! He hates i feel nothing for him now. Very clearing actually. And if you feel that nothing that nothing can no longer get to you. He wants to be my friend. Cant be friends with nothing. Hate is way too much trouble for a nothing like him. Feel nothing for ex martha its great. He felt nothing to cheat lie and destroy my life and then the guilt and i wanna be friends wah, wah, wah set in. Im returning the favor. Try it martha very freeing.

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

I will Kar marie. I remember when this all started, a divorced friend said she neither loved or hated her ex. She said she was “indifferent” to him. I guess it’s like “meh.” And you are so right. They thought nothing of lying to and cheating on us. That’s as much energy and thought we should give them. The same amount of energy and thought they gave to us when they were off doing their thing — they gave us nothing!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I treat and talk to him the same way he started treating and talking to me. He hates it but i give as good as i get. I will be far away from this nothing pod soon and im pleased as hell.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Anita

+1

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

+2

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

“I am very happy not to be in a ‘normal’ relationship, but I worry I won’t find another man who can make me feel satisfied”

I read the article and every word made my blood boil. CL’s response was mild compared to what I would have written about this woman. Mine would have said something like: “Dear Hoebag, you should worry, because you’re not a good person and it’s very likely you will never find anyone else. You will never be satisfied, because you are whore and a home wrecker. You should just call it quits now and shrivel in your home and die. And newsflash, you don’t deserve happiness, you’re not worthy of it.

Tahitibound
Tahitibound
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

+1

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Killing me again with the hashtags, CL. #special

UnknownComic
UnknownComic
7 years ago

“Will I boil a Bunny?”
HAHAHAHHAHAHA!!!

fbi
fbi
7 years ago

Mine, who is otherwise known as the Grand Cooch Connaisseur , can be found at the 50% discount bin. He’s been around the block one too many times and is starting to smell like cod.

BetterDays
BetterDays
7 years ago

“Will I boil a bunny?”

Hahahahahahaha.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
7 years ago

I would not be so sure you can’t get a comment in the Guardian. Jessica Reed, who is the US editor for the Comment is Free section of the Guardian, is looking for divorce stories. Her Twitter handle is @guardianJessica.

Done4Good
Done4Good
7 years ago

Wow. Just wow! The first thing about this story that has my head spinning is that this woman seems to imply that there is some kind of shortage of this type of person. Clearly, just from experience in my small little world and several months on this site, it’s obvious that there is anything but a limited supply of human beings willing to cross over into the world of devoted partner mindfuckery.

Second, this problem of losing her oh-so-wonderful (married) fuck buddy is posing her such a quandary that she had to post her dilemma…..in a newspaper!!! I don’t know why these types of people still manage to shock and bewilder me, but they do. I guess she considers herself too special for the likes of Ashley Madison or is horrified at thought of having to pay for sex like some common delinquent.

This article made me think of a children’s story that my daughter loves, written by Dr. Seuss called The Sneetches. Basically it’s a story about creatures who are born with stars on their bellies and those that aren’t. It’s a lesson designed to teach kids that we’re all special, stars or not. This woman’s letter made me ponder a possible solution to her dilemma. What if all cheaters had to wear a permanent symbol on their bodies? Somewhere visible, where they couldn’t hide it. Heck, they could even believe that the stars made them “special.” (We would never tell them any different.) That way, they could easily find each other and people like us could avoid them like the plague. Bingo, everybody’s happy and there’s no confusion as to who is who!

But I suppose there is one teeny, tiny issue with this solution (for the cheaters). The very nature of being a cheater is the stone-cold, indifferent manner they have of pulling one over on someone they “love.” If people like us knew who they really were inside, we certainly wouldn’t commit to them so there would be no more opportunities for cheating. No thrill of sneaking around. Secret texts. Pretending to be soul mates. Just shallow, disordered people wreaking havoc on other shallow, disordered people.

At the end of the story, The Sneetches had removed and re-added the stars so many times they didn’t know who was special anymore. Without their unique status of having a chump AND a sparkly one to bump on the side, the cheaters might starve from the lack of kibble supply and eventually face extinction. Perish the thought!

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

I don’t quote Dr. Seuss anymore. He abandoned a sick wife and left for his OW, who abandoned her own children because she didn’t really like having them.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

and didn’t his abandoned wife eventually commit suicide?

ringinonmyownbell
ringinonmyownbell
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

If you live in San Diego, you know that Ted Giesel was a piece of work and so is that whore Audrey. For the record, and a deeply held little secret, Ted and Audrey hated kids. They lived up on Mt. Soledad in La Jolla and when every some little child had the temerity to find their way past their long driveway up to their august door, they would be rude to the kids. Personally, I tried never to read his stuff to my kids, I found both him and her repugnant humans. Oh but Audrey got the last laugh. Ted didnot want to license any of his work, but his body wasn’t cold before Audrey was licensing anyting that didn’t run away. Seriously… a bad bad man and a bad bad woman.

Anita
Anita
7 years ago

Yes, I researched Ted for a project for my child and found an obscure reference to his cheating and his whore. Never could like him after that. Despicable human impersonators.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That’s awful. Hadn’t heard. Just looked it up. Helen Palmer Geisel’s suicide note, see Wikipedia — hell, the whole story, including HIS self-serving reaction — could be posted here.

And ICK: his niece characterized her aunt Helen’s suicide as the greatest gift Helen ever gave him. Collusion, much? Apaths R Us.

Helen died in 1967. Almost 50 years ago. Half a century. Not much sociocultural change.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

I love everything you write.

Do you know what makes me nuts, Done4Good? I broke up with my X so many times, giving him so many chances to leave me alone. This is before he cheated….(that I knew about). He probably cheated from Day One. It was just he never added up. I would spontaneously burst into tears around him. The body knows.

I even wrote him a nice letter, and said I wanted to love him from a distance, but I could not take his inconsistency and the partying. I changed my phone number more than 5 times. He pursued me relentlessly.

I wish he would have just left me alone or been up front abut who he is. Wore a horn on his head or something.

But as you wrote…I guess that would not have been as much fun, making a fool of me.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Mine wouldnt and wont quite leave me alone. He hoovers. After hpuse closing im dissappearing to yhe opposite of where i told him to go. That should do the trick. None of my friends will tell him nor will the kids. They know how i feel and will respect my wishes thankfully they agree with me i will not be friends will the ex. They support me. With the kids i got lucky. Disappear. Poof! Im gone.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Do you have a date certain on the closing? But, you have to play it cool.
Don’t tip him off.
Sociopaths read people so well.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

No sylvia not yet now is should be in october sometime. He has fucked up everything cause hes such and expert. I keep my distance and sure asswipe i will still be your friend. Uh huh wink wink! House closes im gone poof!

dealwithit
dealwithit
7 years ago
Reply to  Done4Good

They have those… a scarlet letter A.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  dealwithit

Exactamundo!

And the penalty for my notional legislation would be to carve that “A” right into an adulterer’s forehead. So even when they are rutting with their next disease-infested conquest they can never escape the pain they inflicted on an innocent.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian i second that idea! Burned in!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Freeze burnt, Animal Welfare Act wouldn’t allow us to hot iron brand them in NZ!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Anyone still have one of those old wood burning kits that some unthinking parent got us for Christmas because we would never leave it on and unattended?

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I still have a rock tumbler. We could dissect it to figure out how to make a REALLY big one out of a steel drum.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Cue Lt Aldo Raine.
(good mornin’ and good idea!)

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Is Ian putting together a special team of chumps to go looking for some of them there cheaters? I’m in.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago

Annie, I’m in, too. I’ll bring a good video camera, and if necessary, quick feet and a mean left uppercut. Virago, your attitude is posse-perfect.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Shechump, who’dathought?
Cell phones could be fun!
Like how you think, kiddo.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

No reply button here either, so highjacked this one.

Annie, ‘no Reply button for you, so find here.’
Virago ‘ Wonder ~~ maybe no cell phones or audio recording devices.’

Only vibrators. And no tucking your cell phone up – you/know/where to get it to vibrate.

(oh god, better go climb in my igloo after that pathetic one. lol)

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Annie, no Reply button for you, so find here.

Love the idea of daily stay out of jail public service announcements!!!

Wonder ~~ maybe no cell phones or audio recording devices.

Jail must suck. Fortunately, I’m guessing!

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

ClaireS,

Never, ever, ever…..EVER bring a video camera. Quick feet and uppercut yes. Virago’s beautiful attitude, absolutely. Not even one quick Polaroid. Nope. Never. This has been my stay our of jail public service announcement for the evening.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

Phones go IN the basket on the way into Yurt.
No exceptions.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago

Puhlease don’t forget your guns, Annie.

I’m just taking dull knives and my attitude.

Mag
Mag
7 years ago

This woman is smart enough to see the smoke signal on the horizon. Her crash and burn is coming.

She has over a decade of stealing the wife’s life. Time, attention, gifts and sex that SHOULD have been wife’s- she horded from her for over 10 years. She is now seeing in the rear view mirror the past – looking at the smoke on the horizon – he’s NOT going to leave his wife for her. Never.
What gives her the right to screw another woman’s spouse?
What gives her the right to steal the wife’s life? If only for a few moments?

If she was so darn “independent” she would not be worried about lining up sucker II, she would be too busy enjoying her life –

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

Exactly! OW tries to portray herself as an “oh so sophisticated, successful, independent and worldly woman. What a load of crap. Independent woman do not lower themselves, taking whatever scraps they are thrown from a married man. They play second fiddle to no one. OW is a sniveling little run of the mill trollop, that has been pathetically hanging on to a married man for 10 years, hoping he would eventually leave his wife for her. Now she is getting the heave ho from her married boyfriend (he has someone else lined up to replace her for sure) and desperately needs someone to fill the void.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Mag

Bingo! You are so right, Mag. I’ll bet her devalue-and-discard phase has already started.

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yet she frames it in a way that makes he feel special. I don’t want to keep him,I just want to live a single life, fuck him, and send him home.

So special that her arrangement is difficult to replicate. Somewhere along the way her shelf life expired. Her response to becoming an aging whore? Where can I find another married man to fuck. Sociopath.

The things these mindless whores vomit is sheer cunt logic

The Limited’s whore BELIEVES the serial cheater will never cheat on him. He’s the best liver she’s ever had. Um, no he’s like fucking a rubber chicken. No brain or balls.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Rubber chickens don’t have balls?

Doingme
Doingme
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Saggy ones

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Now I cannot get that image out of my head…

rubber chicken

Annie Get Your Guns
Annie Get Your Guns
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I am so going to use that when I’m losing an argument. I’m just going to say, “Rubber chickens don’t have balls.” And then exit stage right.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago

My 87 yr old great friend always says.
If you’re lying or creating a stupid argument, you have to take off your clothes.
A piece for every lie you’re telling.

I like her.
Honestly, it works and it shuts people up.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

If most of us had enforced that rule, our cheaters would have been running around buck naked most of the time. [shudder]

Divinelife
Divinelife
7 years ago

My ex is like the chocolate bunnies you find at Easter time.

Looks amazing on the outside. Completely hollow on the inside.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Divinelife

That’s a good one.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

The desperation is dripping off the page.

My favorite is imagining the happless married man not realizing he’s about to catch herpes when his 10-year-side-piece takes her snatch-show on the road. They deserve each other.

I feel bad for his wife and kids, but I do hope she boils a bunny.

This story, chumps, is a happy reminder that no matter how good looking she is, somebody, somewhere is sick of her shit.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

My friend’s husband (now ex) was cheating on her and unavailable WHILE she was giving birth to their second child in the hospital. Fast forward 20 years and my friend now has genital herpes. As for the ex- husband cheater, he found his soul mate on Positively Single, a dating website for people with STDs (I kid you not).

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

No way!! A dating site for people with STD’s! Learn something new every day and it’s sad when that something new is creepy.

Blerg
Blerg
7 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Martha-I actually don’t think it’s creepy at all. I think it’s the opposite in fact. The idea of those sites is to match people up with other people that have STD’s, so there is no deception about it. Also, it makes it easier for some people with STD’s as it would be a hard subject to broach with someone that doesn’t have an STD. There is a ton of stigma surrounding STD’s. Anyone can get one, even if you don’t sleep around and use condoms…

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

‘No way!! A dating site for people with STD’s! Learn something new every day and it’s sad when that something new is creepy.’

Well, I’ve never heard of a dating site for STD’s but, since my nephew is HIV positive, he only goes to sites for other HIV daters.
He makes it well known and he is a spokesman for a lot of HIV carriers.
I imagine, if you have herpes – an incurable, life-long infection apparently, you’d only want to date others with herpes. (barfing a little here)
If I saw herpes, and I don’t even know what it looks like, I’d sure be running as I’m very paranoid of anything that stinks of sexual disease.

Crabs, you can get rid of and apparently, many others. But, it’s the long-termed incurable sex diseases you can get so, I imagine, somebody with Herpes could fuck another Herpes sufferer without using a condom.

The saddest group would be the ones with HPV and worried about cervical cancer. I doubt they would be messing around to join a site like that for HPV, unless it was for support and not dating.

I don’t think the X would even know how to put a condom on so, who knows what he’s carrying from a 4-bit-group-sex-butt digger. (Is that better than gold-digger?) Still trying to find my name for her. Yeah, her and he X were ‘swingers’. (I had to look up what that implied)

Blerg
Blerg
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Shechump-I hope that you are not trying to be offensive, but I find your comments about herpes extremely offensive. I dated a man that had herpes for 2 years. He got it from a woman he had dated that knew she had it, but never told him.

We had sex without condoms. He took Valtrex every day, and I never got it. I knew it was a risk ,but I loved him, and I was willing to take that risk. It isn’t something to barf over, and didn’t make him gross or less of a person. Anyone can get an STD. Condoms are not foolproof, and as we all know, many people lie.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

Blerg – ‘Anyone can get an STD. Condoms are not foolproof, and as we all know, many people lie.’

This is a big problem with cheaters, as your friend knows.
Many don’t realize that Herpes is often caused by oral sex.
(the only kind the X wanted on him)

When I found out he was cheating, he just didn’t seem so squeaky clean anymore.
And, we all know cheaters don’t use condoms.

It’s just a damn scary world out there.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

Oh, Blerg – I’m SO sorry if my off-the-cuff-comment was offensive to anybody with Herpes. I know better.
It always seems so incurable to me that I labeled it one of the ‘worst’ std’s you could get – it was a stereotype back in the 80’s.
My good friend was a nurse who was doing research on the Herpes Vaccine and went on to teach people how to control it through various outbreaks.
Like HIV, I think we all learned a lot about how Herpes is not so bad.

I, in no way, meant to puke on a std like this. Any more than I would on my nephews HIV diagnosis at 20 yrs old.
Herpes IS with you your entire life but so controllable and very manageable and not deadly.
My nephew takes a cocktail of drugs every single day.
My point was more that, having an incurable sexual disease like herpes or aids, it just makes sense to get on a website for dating like that.

Perhaps it’s time to give folks like me a 6×12 about various STD’s, so we know which one are killers.
I had no clue, for instance, that HPV was deadly.
And, during my very l/t marriage, I was having bad Pap smears the entire time, enough so that I had to get a hysterectomy at 40 and I still wanted kids.
So, shit no – I take this stuff very seriously, and the more we get the word out about STD’s, the better.

Again – I’m so sorry if you took offense.
Sometimes my keyboard works faster than my braincells.

Blerg
Blerg
7 years ago
Reply to  Blerg

you use condoms…

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

OMG. No idea. I have the urge to hire a PI, find out Guardian woman’s name, and register her there, stat.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I hope she does NOT harm any animal. I never make jokes about animal cruelty and I don’t care if it seems too sensitive. People are so cruel. I don’t like to give them any ideas.

It’s interesting you assume she is good looking. I did not assume that at all. It never entered my mind.That whiffs of the pick me dance, for some reason. Cheating is not about looks. It is not about a beauty pageant between women.

And….no matter how good looking HE is….some smart woman has broken up with him.

Women go CRAZY for my X. High cheekbones, full head of brown hair, slim with broad shoulders, ice blue eyes, tall, strong, six pack abs, sociopathic, deviant, pathological liar, inappropriate with all females, ethics of a Calcutta sewage rat- he is the whole package, don’t ya know?

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Ian is actually referring to a fairly famous quote “show me a beautiful woman and i’ll show you a man who’s tired of sleeping with her.” I’m not sure why it’s become so popular or who coined the phrase first but I don’t think he was suggesting that the woman in the article was anything (except for maybe a slut). It’s just something people say.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Yeah…I hate that quote.

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I also hate the saying, ‘skin a cat’.
It’s just gruesome!!!!

yo
yo
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I know its just a figure of speech but it turns my stomach.?

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  yo

Yes, I can’t make any jokes about things like that. Because it happens, and worse.

Have you ever done any puppy mill rescue work? It will haunt you forever.

This is how I describe it: Either I am an alien, or the people who do that are aliens, but we are not of the same race.

Where I live in the South- not good. I have almost been arrested several times when I see animals in distress and I go onto the property (trespassing!)

Spits tobacco and yells at me, “Whad ye gettin’ so upset fer…..she’s got a bucket of water and some old tin for shade!!!

Sir, the water has dirt, twigs and bugs in it. The tin is making it hotter. It is 102 degrees. Her food has congealed in the dirt.

And this is an actual quote:
Git off my land before I smash yer face in whore.

🙁

Off soap box
Spay and neuter your pet!

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia is Sad – ‘I will help you. I have gotten in so much trouble over animal rights and protection’

That’s me too, Sylvia.
I’ve risked getting my teeth knocked out many times and it still never sways me from stepping in.
Good for you!

Not to get this thread off track, however. No animal cruelty jokes permitted – many thanks!
(I know you were just kidding, Ian!)

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

He he chumps, thread definitely off track between the food jokes and the animal stories. Love it, that crazy letter writer didn’t deserve our attention and didn’t get it. Meh…

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I have 4 rescues and there are far too many people that have absolutely no right to own an animal. Upon retirement I am going to lobby for animal rights and hopefully put in place a law/regulation that once you neglect or abuse an animal you can never own another animal again.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

I will help you. I have gotten in so much trouble over animal rights and protection…I have had to hire lawyers.

It is one of those issues where I “don’t back down.”

Yes, I want to create a WALL OF SHAME database. This is for people who adopt and then return or abandon because of their failings and laziness. It would be an invaluable resource the animal shelters, both public and private. A data base of the ones who abuse, abandon and neglect, discard and then try to get another one.

He is not housebroken. Did you train him? No, I just shoved his nose in it.

I am pulling out my base ball bat.

He jumps.

Did you teach him not to? He is a Lab/Boxer/Husky. They jump and are athletic. It is not personal. Have you done basic obedience?

No. Sulks and rolls eyes. I did not realize he would get so big.

RED RUM! RED RUM!

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Dogs by nature jump as they want the face to face contact and these people that hit puppies or shove their nose in crap should be hung. I love the ads where there is 5-7 year old dog that the owners are moving (or whatever other lame excuse) and can no longer care for their pet so need to adopt out. No, the dog is no longer a puppy and the novelty has long worn off. I would live in a goddamn tent before giving away my dogs. College towns are notorious for having wandering/stray cats when students leave town. Very cruel. Oh & I am also guilty of a few illegal acts and making several enemies in the name of saving animals as well. The criteria for pet care has to change, being tied up all your life and having a bowl of filthy water being acceptable is deranged.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

All my furbabies are fixed. Thats the first thing i do with them shots and spay. They look out for me way better than asswipe ever did.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yes, I have always been obsessed with animals. I don’t say anything to people I am eating with. It is just me.

I think when you grow up and your *never know* what mood your parents are going go be in …an animal is steady, non disordered and incapable of deceit. Limited but still comforting. The smell of a horse…bliss!

We had a horse farm and I used to roll around in that barn with so many animals (I think that is why I have NO allergies and a very strong immune system until D Day) as I actually used to get fleas because I was rolling in the hay, always filthy.

I actually think that woman wrote that letter so people would comfort her. I think she has already been dumped and wants to
a) get sympathy and kibbles
b) have her ego stroked (same)
c) hopes that someone will contact her to start a new affair

Either way, she represents many woman. An X friend of mine (X!) used to make comments about married men, their hotness, how she wanted to have sex with them.
I finally told her that if she did not stop, our friendship was O-V-E-R. She was unrepentant. When she emails me, I just delete it without reading it.

I did try to tell her about all the pain she would cause if she slept with a married man and it was like trying to reason with a bag of turnips. Buh-bye.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Speaking of boiling, I only recently learned that mussels are alive when dropped into boiling water or put in paella. I won’t eat them again; I had assumed they were already dead when sold in stores (since they are on ice). No, alive.

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I did not know this. I will not either.
Thank you!
I will not hijack the thread, but if it has a mother and a face….I ain’t eating it.
But, it is a personal choice. NO Judgment!

It comforts me that so many people on here love and cherish animals. A coincidence? No! We are highly sensitive and compassionate.

Listen to this funny story. I hope it makes someone laugh.

I went into a venture with a high school friend where she was going to raise free range, free roaming pigs. No antibiotics, no steroids, with their moms, rolling in the grass, happy. I do not eat pork, but I was like…well, people are going to eat it….maybe we should have them where they have a good life and we can make money. People who knew me were like…this will not end well.

I was torn, but I wanted to be around her horses. I gave my money and started going over to help.

Long story short, the day I shook the dog treat box and 30 little faces sat….sat like a dog and waited for the next command, with absolute trust on their faces….it was over. I said, Rebecca, I now have 30 pet pigs. I can’t do it. I just can’t do it.

Her husband acted like an ass, but I think he is slightly afraid of me, as I get sort of nuts about animals.

I now work a part time second job (just online, translating legal docs) to pay for these pigs.

I don’t care. They are happy and it is not too bad money wise. I do have a friend who goes to the grocery stores and discreetly gets old veg, bread and fruit for me that they are going to throw out but is still good and edible.

I am thinking of moving to a place with more land, and I will get them! But they will NOT be a pork loin. They are spoiled and Rebecca is secretly relieved as she was dreading the day as well.

They are as smart as dogs. Some people think smarter. Okay, I will stop. This is a topic I am never grow tired of. (and they don’t lie!)

Tempest, when you referenced The Elements of Style by Strunk and White the other day, I wanted to tell you I named one of my favorite pigs, unoriginally- WILBER.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Of course you must have a pig named Wilbur! De rigeur!

Years ago, we had an adorable little jumping mouse living in our back garden, who would come to feed from dropped bird seed every morning. His name? Templeton.

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Sylvia, you remind me of my sister who went in on a deal to raise rabbits for market. Needless to say not one bunny made it to a plate! We still give her grief over her business venture!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

Hi Sylvia, I was typing while you were, and yes I guess it’s a bit of a hijack and we’ll probably just agree to disagree on meat.
Anyway it’s quite noticeable that they isn’t that much interest in the fuckwit letter writer’s future today, understandably. She’s a waste of space. She could do this with single men who don’t want a full relationship, more of a good fuckbuddy part-time thing. They are out there too, some may have had serious committed relationships in the past but have reached that age where they have settled into their post divorce life and don’t want to live with anyone again or change anything about their new independent life. Nothing wrong with that nor with not wanting any deep relationship intimacy if you don’t interfere with other people’s lives.
Some men my age do advertise themselves like this here. They are single, usually divorced, and want a friendship with benefits, not spend too much time together, monogamous or not, just state what the parameters are and that’s fine. Some people are out of the country a lot and know from past experience that it will put strain on a traditional relationship. So they prefer something more casual and part time. No problem.
But this fuckwit is looking for another married man. Sick.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

If i had livestock and i dont i just know i would fall in love with each and every one and name them all and they would never go to market. Id make a bad farmer.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Lobsters are alive too when dropped in the pot. And crabs. Only way to cook them. Not pleasant thoughts i know. I dont eat a lot of meat but i cant be a vegan. When im eating meat i dont think about where it came from. Like asswipe he came from great parents and he turned into a complete shit head i try not to think about him either.

Creativerational
Creativerational
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Gordon Ramsey and most cooking shows have shown them gettin a knife right through the brain immediately before dropping them – to spare them the cooking pain but to keep them alive right to that point. I’m allergic to shellfish but I thought I would throw in my 2 cents about how it should maybe happen.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Yes i have heard that but i dont think i could stab it to death. I usually only cook two at a time that way its instant when they hit the water. Two many in the pot and the upper ones suffer. I grew up in new england and learned to cook them on the maine coast. Cooking maryland soft shell crabs is way more heart breaking. I havent cooked lobsters or crabs in years. I hate buying the frozen. Frozen to me is nasty instead of fresh. Maybe i will never cook them again. I saw gordan ramsey cooking italian food once my grandma would be rolling her grave if she saw him. There are many different types of italian cooking i have no idea what gordan was trying to do. I got dragged to an italian infused place once time. Yuck! Guess im spoiled.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Chiming in on boiling seafood alive. It seems worse to me to be alive for a few days transport from the ship to the harbour, on to trucks to distribution centres, then supermarkets, then into your car back to your kitcher, than to die quickly when thrown into boiling water. I also think fish dying of asphyxia when hauled out to the water onto the fishing trawler suffer more. I won’t eat any seafood or freshwater food either.
I am a meat producer, been to meat works and watched lambs wait calmly in shaded pens with water and hay, then walk calmly to the slaughter chain to be stunned before being killed. No more dogs in the yards to push them around. The worst part for the sheep, I have to admit is loading them onto the truck on the farm when they don’t want to go, and even that has improved a lot lately and truck drivers load them calmly. They actually are better at it than farmers because they do it all day and they know what works. Don’t stress the livestock and it will all to well. I never use a dog to scare them up the ramp and since the traitor is gone they are loaded calmly and, guess what? It’s a lot quicker cos they’re not stressed. The traitor’s behaviour was much harsher than the other farmers’ I know and I often threatened to shut the business down if he carried on. Eventually I took over all loading because I couldn’t stand what he was doing. Shame they have to travel longer and longer distances with local meat works closing.
Watch some of Temple Grandin’s videos to see what goes on in the meat industry and compare with eating fish or shellfish.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

?

Kurleegirl
Kurleegirl
7 years ago

I definitely need to put my Ex on the list to send to this one. Even though he is not married right now, I’m expecting wedding announcements from him and the ho-chick he threw me over for any day now. Since he promised me that he would continue cheating not making this up, I had a witness), he’s probably already fishing for another hole to fill. This should work out perfectly as I already know she’s a screw up— they are automatically perfect for each other.

But as for the great sex, I’m not sure the relationship would last long, as ex sucked in the sack–he had problems remembering which woman he was screwing at the time and mixed up our preferences, lol.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  Kurleegirl

In my experience, cheaters attend only to their own preferences.

I like your ‘fishing for another hole’, Kurleegirl. Wish it worked like the Bermuda/Devil’s Triangle.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Brilliant. Wow, talk about how to segue! We’ve got quite a few Keith Jarrett-like wordsmiths here.

Virago
Virago
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Is that Keith Jarrett, the jazz pianist, who squealed and squirmed?
Probably not, eh? I’m old.

ClaireS
ClaireS
7 years ago
Reply to  Virago

Shit, I meant Thelonious Monk. Was checking the spelling of his name, hit copy in a list of jazz pianists, aaannnnd pasted in the wrong dude. Monk was among the most inventive jazz musicians in history, was classically trained (which he imported into his inventiveness), and could segue effortlessly.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  ClaireS

Monk!

I’m not much into Bop, but it has its moments. Blue Note 1957 – Monk & Coltrane – Live at The Five Spot — Bliss!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vAZSc1wT8Mo

iWasaChump2
iWasaChump2
7 years ago

When she mentioned the “natural conclusion,” I couldn’t help but think she’s just amazed she’s gotten away with it so long, but knows that sooner or later that chumpy chump’s gonna wise-up to what’s been going on. Yes, sooner or later the release date on the truth is going to come due.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  iWasaChump2

I thought about that, and also thought her married lover is elderly and is about to die, or has some form of terminal illness, and their fuckfest will be coming to an end soon. And she’s concerned where she’s going to find her next sex supply to satisfy her.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

Simple answer? Everywhere. They’re fucking everywhere.

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

+1

Sylvia is Sad
Sylvia is Sad
7 years ago

When you play a shitty game, you get a shitty prize.

If you want to retain your faith in humanity, don’t start reading the comment section for this Cheating Mentally Ill Whore.

Here is an example. It is public use, once they post it. This user’s name is:
DONTMESSWITHMIMI

You see….she’s a tough sociopath!

_________

I’m sure there will be plenty of people below the line who will castigate you for being the ‘other woman’ – but to be honest, I applaud you.

Life offers us so little opportunities for happiness, I think you should be congratulated for taking what was offered, and for making the most of it.

If anyone should feel ashamed, it’s your married partner. But – as a friend of mine ( who was in the same situation ) once said – ” if he wasn’t sleeping with me, he’d be sleeping with someone else. ” So you shouldn’t feel guilty about it.

And when it ends – as it probably will – console yourself with thinking of all the great times you’ve had together. Some people never have a relationship like you’ve had. You’ve been lucky.

___________________________

Now…about me living in a yurt in the upper Yukon…anyone want to come? I am a great cook.

sephage
sephage
7 years ago
Reply to  Sylvia is Sad

I’m in. I’ll bring the wine!

Seriously, what the hell is wrong with people?!?? Money makes me happy sometimes, I’m not out stealing it from other people via the justification of chasing my happiness dreams…