UBT: ‘He Played Me Too’

You guys won’t believe the letters I get from Other Women wanting my advice. I know, it’s like gnats wanting wisdom from a bug zapper. But really, it happens.

Behold a recent missive:

Dear Chump Lady,

I’m the other woman. Well, actually I refused to be the other woman. We fell in love, he said he loved me. He told me he had an understanding with his wife to have sex with other women because they had been sleeping separately for years. He told me they didn’t even stay in the same room except with the kids and they didn’t touch and didn’t talk to each other except for domestic stuff. I told him he needed to tell her he wanted to divorce and he did (he said he did!). Only after that I slept with him. She knew I existed.

He freaked out about losing his kids so he chose to suck it up and stay with her. I immediately stepped out because I didn’t accept to be the other woman. He contacted me several times and were in touch for over a year and I insisted I wouldn’t accept to be with him unless he told her he would divorce and moved out. He did. She wanted to try reconciliation. He said no but they told the kids he was moving out temporarily. She said if he saw me, they would divorce. He told her he wanted to see me and he moved out. We were looking for bed linen! To be clear, he intended to negotiate seeing the kids every day, he was looking for an apartment close to them. I slept with him again, but then he said he was missing his kids and wanted to give them a family and that seeing them even if it was everyday wasn’t enough so he was considering going back. He claims he would choose me but wants to live with the kids.

When I asked what would he said to her about me, he replied he would lie and he would do “whatever it takes” so she accepted him back. I felt like a whore when I heard he intended to lie to her. I couldn’t even look at myself. Manipulated and used! I contacted his wife to tell her I was sorry and felt dirty because I thought she knew he was with me but instead he was going to lie to her. I told her I felt terrified because I didn’t know what was true and what was false and he was manipulating both of us. She told me they never had an understanding to have sex with other people. He told me after my message she wanted to divorce. I know your cake theory but I can’t know now what’s true and false about his marriage and our relationship. He said he just married her because he was having a hard time and needed a family. He said he loves me. I don’t want him (I feel unsafe with all his lies) but I get crazy thinking about them reconciling. I’m sure he will tell her I meant nothing and he wants a family. I get crazy thinking she will accept him even if she doesn’t believe him!

I find that disgusting and unfair for women. I know how humiliated she must feel — because I feel humiliated too, so I would be furious if she took him back. I feel so used. I’m so sorry about how he treats her. What’s the truth? I’m sorry about all the chump ladies who blame the other woman but to be honest I feel he played me too. Did he do that on purpose? Was anything true at all? Does he love me? Does he love her? Does he just want cake? Is he a narcissistic? Did I do the right thing by telling her?

Thank you!

Not a bad person

You know where this is going? Hold your cookies. The Universal Bullshit Translator is shifting into gear…

Dear Chump Lady,

I’m the other woman. Well, actually I refused to be the other woman.

I refuse reality. I am whoever I imagine I am.

See also “Not a bad person.”

We fell in love, he said he loved me. He told me he had an understanding with his wife to have sex with other women because they had been sleeping separately for years.

This is textbook ‘I Am the Other Woman.’

He told me they didn’t even stay in the same room except with the kids and they didn’t touch and didn’t talk to each other except for domestic stuff.

They wore hazmat suits and had bargepoles. “I AM NOT TOUCHING YOU!” he would announce before entering any room. “WE ARE HAVING CRINKLE-CUT FRENCH FRIES FOR DINNER” she would reply. This was permissible as it was domestic. “YOUR KETCHUP CANNOT TOUCH MY KETCHUP.” “OKAY!”

I told him he needed to tell her he wanted to divorce and he did (he said he did!). Only after that I slept with him. She knew I existed.

He loves me so much, he must be reminded to leave his wife.

I know his wife exists by her refusal to sign the divorce decree.

I only fuck a man after he leaves his family. #lady

He freaked out about losing his kids so he chose to suck it up and stay with her. I immediately stepped out because I didn’t accept to be the other woman. He contacted me several times and were in touch for over a year and I insisted I wouldn’t accept to be with him unless he told her he would divorce and moved out. He did.

He freaked out about losing half his income, so he chose to keep cheating on her with me.

She wanted to try reconciliation. He said no but they told the kids he was moving out temporarily.

She threw his ass out.

She said if he saw me, they would divorce. He told her he wanted to see me and he moved out.

She threw his ass out.

We were looking for bed linen!

IT WAS REAL! Our love is not a poly-cotton blend! It’s a high-thread count Egyptian linen!

To be clear, he intended to negotiate seeing the kids every day, he was looking for an apartment close to them. I slept with him again, but then he said he was missing his kids and wanted to give them a family and that seeing them even if it was everyday wasn’t enough so he was considering going back. He claims he would choose me but wants to live with the kids.

He calculated child support. I could still be his side-fuck tho.

When I asked what would he said to her about me, he replied he would lie and he would do “whatever it takes” so she accepted him back.

And this is completely consistent with a guy who has an open marriage and can sleep with whomever he wants to.

I felt like a whore when I heard he intended to lie to her.

It began to occur to me, perhaps, just maybe, I was not as special as I first thought.

I couldn’t even look at myself. Manipulated and used!

Stuck with the Bed, Bath and Beyond receipts!

I contacted his wife to tell her I was sorry and felt dirty because I thought she knew he was with me, but instead he was going to lie to her.

Yes, I just care about truth. (I WILL WIN THIS PICK ME DANCE). Honesty. (BOW BEFORE ME.) Transparency. (EAT DIRT MOTHERFUCKER.)

I told her I felt terrified because I didn’t know what was true and what was false and he was manipulating both of us.

I’ve been fucking her husband for years. She should care about my feelings.

She told me they never had an understanding to have sex with other people. He told me after my message she wanted to divorce. I know your cake theory but I can’t know now what’s true and false about his marriage and our relationship.

I am certain she knew of my existence! A lying liar told me so!

He said he just married her because he was having a hard time and needed a family.

He’s been using me as a side-dish fuck. I should care about his feelings. The irony of this is completely lost on me.

He said he loves me. I don’t want him (I feel unsafe with all his lies) but I get crazy thinking about them reconciling.

I want him.

I’m sure he will tell her I meant nothing and he wants a family.

He has a family. I meant nothing.

I get crazy thinking she will accept him even if she doesn’t believe him!

That’s how much I DON’T CARE!

I find that disgusting and unfair for women.

I fucked a married woman’s husband, conspired against her, risked her health, and now I’m a born-again feminist. #disgusting

I know how humiliated she must feel — because I feel humiliated too, so I would be furious if she took him back.

I just care about HER feelings! I would be furious if she took him back and enjoyed the high-thread count sheets I purchased.

I feel so used. I’m so sorry about how he treats her.

Since I got thrown under the bus, I have a newfound appreciation for her welfare.

What’s the truth?

UBT: You suck. Work on that.

I’m sorry about all the chump ladies who blame the other woman but to be honest I feel he played me too.

Yeah, we’re all equal. OMG, go boil your head.

Did he do that on purpose?

Yes, of course he did.

Was anything true at all?

The bed linens. They were real.

Does he love me?

He loves his dick.

Does he love her?

He loves his dick.

Does he just want cake?

Yes.

Is he narcissistic?

Yes, you have that in common.

Did I do the right thing by telling her?

Yes, but with all the wrong motives.

Thank you!

Not a bad person

A pretty dreadful person, but thank you for the UBT fodder.

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Chumpdidodah
Chumpdidodah
3 years ago

Lol poor little homewrecker. ????

unicornomore
unicornomore
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

It does happen that some people genuinely think someone is single when they first start to date and I have seen CL had compassion on them in that exact moment. If they REALLY did not know, they were a victim…

BUT

The second they know, if they don’t immediately exit they they instantaneously turn into an OW/OM with all rights and privileges thereby granted.

Zero grace period for “we were already in love by that point so I ….. “

MovingOn
MovingOn
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

I found out after 35 years of marriage and my husband’s 2nd affair that I was the OW when we first started dating. I did not know he was in an exclusive 8 month relationship when he met me. I was so pissed when I found out – I said I would never have dated him if I had known. His response? “Why are you so upset? I picked you and left her!” Once a cheater always a cheater.

Mighty Mite
Mighty Mite
3 years ago
Reply to  MovingOn

Moving On, I found out after 21 years of marriage that when our relationship started, I was probably the OW. Great big sucker-punch to the gut! When we first started dating, he had told me his Xwife was a crazy, drug addict cheater….and ALL of his family and friends, and her family confirmed it. When we met, we were both going through divorces from our high school sweethearts…we had both already filed for divorce, been separated for months and ready to move on. Imagine my surprise when xwife turns out to be the other woman in my marriage all those years later! Why would he want to be with a crazy, drug addict cheater?? After I filed for divorce, i searched for their divorce records online and discovered he wasn’t in the process of divorcing her when we met. SHE filed for divorce weeks AFTER he and I started dating! My whole marriage was a lie and I was an OW….something I despise.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

I have not read all the comments but Dear Velvet Hammer, hope it is ok to use your expression, the one that says it all:
” Sweet Smoking Jesus”

( I actually felt dizzy reading the sad woes of the OW)
Ffs!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Use it loud, use it proud! Sometimes that is all that comes to mind!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
3 years ago

Thank you Velvet Hammer,
I do,
but in my heart I smile & I always think of you & give you credit for that one! ????
♥️

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

She does, it’s somewhere in the archives.

ihatehim
ihatehim
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

Where do these crazies come from? Felt like a whore and can’t look at herself? She is a whore and I wouldn’t be able to look at myself either. What a POS!

DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&3Kids
3 years ago
Reply to  ihatehim

wait, I’m confused.

I mean the mental gymnastics of this are too much for me EVEN NOW…

So she’s “NOT a bad person” — but she IS someone who ADMITS she told him for MONTHS to leave his wife and children ALL – FOR – HER.

WOW…. WTF is a bad person if that’s^^^ not??

So she didn’t burn the house down with the wife and kids in it.

Would THAT make her a “bad person”?? (Not in her world).

Crazylady
Crazylady
3 years ago

Mmmm…. i’m married… shouldn’t that be the narcissist little slut’s first clue to run away. Hope scumbag’s wife kicks him out and takes his cheating ass to the cleaners.
Don’t feel sorry for the narcissistic slut. She got played!! Lol!! Great story!!

Duped
Duped
3 years ago
Reply to  Crazylady

I am going to say something that will be very unfavorable, I’m sure, but give me some leeway here to point something out…let me try to play devil’s advocate….because I am a chump, just like everyone here…I was chumped by a husband of 25 years who dated me five years prior to marriage and abandoned what I thought was a pretty happy marriage – like an 8 out of 10 – for a 29 year old girl…

We were all fooled or duped by our cheaters. For the most part, all of us thought we were in happy relationships when we were really chumps. Many of us didn’t see it coming.

Why, then, do we all presume the other woman should not be chumped by our cheaters, too? Why do we hold these OW to some higher cheater detection than ourselves?

I’ve watched, with my own eyes, how this process works…at my workplace. I watched two married coworkers go from loving marriages to work friends, to work spouses, to convincing themselves they, together, were meant to be. And, yes, it made me sick because I saw through these people how my ex husband must have fallen for the twu-wuv scenario with his coworker. But it is an intricate, delicate dance – when does the relationship flip to something serious?

Now, I, having experienced this deception with my own 25-year marriage, probably should have told the spouses. But, when, exactly should I have mentioned it? When they chatted in the break room daily? When they talked in each others’ cubes? When they started sharing lunch at the picnic table? When he changed the headlight in her car? When is the point at which you feel certain you should say something? To alert the spouse? To shame the coworker? Is it even your place to say anything???

Sure, they probably have feelings for each other…but when is it flirtation? When is it wrong? You don’t want to make the mistake and ruin two marriages by being wrong.

We fell for lies. The OW/OM fell for lies…unhappy marriage, no sex, argue, together for the children, don’t want to give up the house….it’s pretty much always the same dialog…but there are people who are in unhappy marriages…that don’t have sex…that argue…and most people want a soft spot to land, should they leave…right or wrong, that’s what happens. My ex had a soft spot to land in his 29 year old girlfriend’s apartment.

I’m not even exactly sure what I’m saying here except that…we’re all human. We were duped by a cheater…but I know…I KNOW my ex’s girlfriend/fiance was duped by him too…I’m sure he claimed pure unhappiness with me to get into her pants…

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, in a perfect world the love interest of the cheater would say, “tell your wife/husband you’re unhappy, get a divorce, wait a year or two until you’re over it and then come see me or date.” But everyone wants a soft spot to land – and doesn’t want to think about how it affects the duped.

Until there is shame associated with leaving your spouse, nothing will change…So (for women) why call these women whores and every other bad word (yes, I have done it, too!)? Because all we’re doing is bringing women down. There is no shame in women wanting and liking sex – do not use the ‘whore’ word to describe women who involve themselves with married men. They are either fools, like us, or self-absorbed. (Sorry for focusing on the women’s issue, for the men that are reading…)

I hope this babble makes some sense….

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

Duped – It really is difficult to believe that you were cheated on. You describe watching coworkers in the throes of at least an emotional affair and you ask if it’s even your place to say something. If you, in fact, had been cheated on you would know the humiliation and rage of being “duped” publicly while bystanders watched and gossiped about you and your marriage. There have been OW who have commented on CL in the past posing as Chumps who feel the need to defend OW and their motives. One of their themes is that they were lied to and manipulated as well as the Chumps . . . they were victims, not whores. Your post sounds awfully familiar. OW/OM and Cheaters are WHORES. If that is offensive to you, it may be time to take a deep dive into your own morals and ethics. Just sayin’.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Duped.

It. Does. Not. Matter if the cheater lied to the whore about the state of the marriage.

The *point* is the whore *knew he was married and fucked him anyway*.

It. Does. Not. Matter what rationalisations whores of either sex choose to cook up to excuse their behaviour.

Whores *know* the man/woman they’re fucking is *married*.

People with character, integrity and a moral compass *do not fuck married people*.

I really don’t have the time or the crayons to explain this fundamental fact any further.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

For Duped,
Sorry couldn’t post in the right place. What happened to you is &@%#*^><€¥• My heart goes out to you. I’m a feminist too -as I think are many people are on this site.
I think your ex and his Shmoopie are both whores!
I think many of us have reclaimed the misogynistic words and give them our own meaning because of what we’ve been through.
For me, it has NOTHING to do with liking sex; it’s about cheaters creating situations that cause others to ear life altering shit sandwiches and usually sex just happens to be a part of that. I hate the ‘C’ word, and I can’t lie, I don’t love it when men use it on this site. However I did use that term to refer to both my ex and his accomplice in a correspondence to him.
It’s not about sex. It’s about betrayal, using, lying, manipulating
and for some of us discarding. If the OW knows the guy’s married, she knows the guy’s married. Regardless of what lies he may have told her, she knows what she needs to know and I feel I can call or what I want. For me, ‘whore’ is just a word that packs a punch regardless of its original meaning. I don’t think she’s too worried about what people think of her or about furthering the cause of women.
Take care.

Duped
Duped
3 years ago

Well, you’ve all got me figured out and decided to burn me at the stake.

I was cheated on by a husband of 25 years. He convinced me to move to another state when I didn’t want to – to make HIM happy. I left a home that I loved and cared for for 21 years. I left friends I loved and cared for. I moved to a state in which I never wanted to live so he could escape the rat race. He let me design our dream retirement home for over a year. And, while we were living in a rental home, two months before our dream retirement home was to be ready for us, he told me he was leaving me. Completely out of the blue. He was unhappy – except he presented it as me that was unhappy. He left me, at 50 years of age, in a rental home with a lease due to expire in a month. He left me in winter. He left me with no job. He left me with two dogs. He left me with everything we owned in storage. He moved out and into his 29 year old girlfriend’s apartment in another state. He would not tell me where he lived. I had to look it up on spokeo. He hasn’t spoken to me since the day he left. He gave no good explanation. He just vanished. I had to clean everything we owned out of storage myself, find a job, find a place to live, care for our dogs… I had known, dated, and been married to this man for 30+ years and he vanished for a woman half his age! And treated me like nothing. I was ready to commit suicide. I asked him if he’d take care of the dogs if I did. He told my sister and my sister nearly had me committed. My ex husband could only be bothered to notify someone who might actually care.

Do I effing hate the 29 year old GIRL that stole my husband from me by talking about her vagina to him at work?! HELL YES!!! Do I want to see Karma pay her and him a visit?! HELL YES!!! She is an entitled piece of shit millennial that is now living off my ex husband and getting her college degree paid for by him. I am, meanwhile, scraping together money to pay taxes on my spousal support. Am I angry like you all are?! HELL YES! Do I want to see her find some guy her own age and leave my ex crying in the dirt? Yes! I effing do!

But, I am a feminist. There is no term for men that sleep around. There is for women – it’s called whore. The term, whether you want to admit it or not, makes women feel they are wrong for liking sex. Period. Is sex with a married man wrong? Yes! But, is sex between a consenting, available man and a women wrong? No. So I hate it when women use the term whore against other women. We are feeding the misogyny we are subjected to every day from men!

THIS is not what RBG fought for…for us to tear each other apart with terms that make us feel dirty for our sexuality.

You want to call the other woman a c*nt for sleeping with your husband?! Fine! I’ve done the same thing! You want to call her a b*tch for talking to your husband at work about her vagina?! Fine! You want to call her an abbreviated Ho? Even that does not bother me. But whore crosses a line – it takes us into the realm where we are like men making women feel bad about liking sex.

The fact of the matter is that our husbands or ex-husbands lied to their affair partners like they lied to us. Maybe it’s too soon for some of you to accept that and to put the blame back onto the cheater. But I am not deluded enough to think that my husband didn’t tell his, now 30-year-old fiance, that I was a nag and a hag and was never happy and never wanted sex with him and we never did anything fun and he lived under this cloud of misery. Because THAT is what every man that has an affair does…he lies, he cheats, he gaslights, he blames, he runs away, he hides, he’s pathetic. So, some insecure, naive girl, or girl with daddy issues, or girl that wants a sugar daddy comes along and believes she can save him from his misery at that hands of his wife…and she falls for it…I wager to think that the cheater is still the one to blame.

And, why didn’t I report the work colleagues that were having an affair? Because I’m not the marriage police at my workplace. Period. Not my monkeys, not my circus.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Indeed. Makes you wonder what ‘Duped’ motives are. ????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

????

I am getting a bit tired of folks coming on here and trying to preach. This isn’t the place for that.

Many folks here are hurting and working through pain, they need to be able to feel supported, not preached at by someone with other motives.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

Duped,
I like CL’s line, “people don’t fall in love over the photocopier”
It takes continual investing that could’ve been stopped many times over.
People with morals would sense that there’s an attraction
and nip in the bud.
Why? Because they made vows to somebody else.
Or because they know the person they are falling in love with made vows to somebody else.
They would put the brakes on the friendship knowing that there was an undertone of a sexual vibe.
People who are selfish and enjoy all the attention, continue to feed the fun…. If they have any common sense at all they would know where the ‘we are just such great friends with a spark’ train leads.
They play with fire, then the house burns down and they blame the people who know how to use fire extinguishers.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

So true. When I was married, I was hit on *many* times. I *never* responded, because I was *married*!

Anyone who is hit on by a married person, and *responds*, is a piece of shit *whore*.
‘Duped’ is’ one of those ‘.

She attempts to secure the’moral high ground’ with her waffling defence of OW/OM’s, thereby implying the rest of us, who naturally *loathe and despise* the OW/OM, are somehow lacking, whilst she is the so superior ‘evolved’ person.

I think it was Kara who pointed out that people who persist in defending lowlife OW/OM, have a vein of OW/OM themselves, and I think that’s what we’ve got here, in ‘Duped’.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

“They play with fire, then the house burns down and they blame the people who know how to use fire extinguishers.”

Exactly, do these fuckwits ever get that we have been hit on too. We didn’t go there, and it certainly wasn’t because our spouse was perfect, he/she had faults too.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

Dear God, what a load of horse shit.

OW/OM are *whores*.

Yes, the cheater sucks *more*, but OW/OM still *suck*.

Your defence of them, predicated on your assumption that they were ‘fooled’ just as the chump was, is hugely flawed.

Little point in saying this to you, since you’re clearly floating around in some la-la land of patting yourself on the back for being such a ‘nice’ person that you don’t condemn these *whores*, but once again, you are determinedly comparing apples and oranges.

Chump’s are *unknowing*. Ow/OM are *whores* who know *exactly* what they are doing.

You’re full of sanctimonious bullshit, and you make me vomit. Go and boil your stupid head.

Whores, whores, whores. ????????????

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

You wrote: “There is no shame in women wanting and liking sex..” OH YES THERE IS AND IT’S HAVING SEX WITH A MARRIED MAN – THERE IS SHAME IN FKING A MARRIED MAN. And for the record, your statement “fools like us” is again insulting to Chumps. No Chump is a fool. We may have been deceived but we are not fools.

Duped
Duped
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Jo, I am just as mad at the other woman as you are…don’t go there with me!! I am a chump, too!!! Don’t for one minute try to tell me my pain or assume you know how I am dealing with my pain. Don’t for one minute tell me I am insulting chumps.

I am saying that we were deceived – we were fooled. It is not impossible other women were fooled by the same man. Blame the cheat. Blame the man/woman who played with the feelings of women/men. Blame the DECEIVER – man or woman.

Do I give a pass to the woman that stole my husband? NO!!! But, do I think she was lied to just as I was? YES! Because that’s what cheaters do!

And, I do not like women, or men, calling women a ‘whore’. That term is misogynistic, if you ask me. Men are not called whores no matter how many women they conquer. It is a term to bring down women. Men like sex. Women like sex. PERIOD!

That is an issue apart and separate from people sleeping with married persons.

jo
jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Duped

No, your babble unfortunately does not make sense. The reason is simple – the OW can never, never, never be defended because HE WAS MARRIED. HE WAS MARRIED. HE WAS MARRIED. I don’t care if the Cheater Husband is married to the Chainsaw Manson Monster – he should get his ducks in a row – be a man – get a divorce and then chase all the dirty skirts he wants to. Your defense of the OW is unfortunately both insulting and hurtful to many Chumps. The only time an OW can even remotely be considered a Chump is if the Cheater Husband lived an entirely double life and told her he was single. But this is not the case. If it helps you in your pain to be less angry at the OW than the Cheater – than so be it – as the Beattle song says “Whatever gets you through the night…it’s alright, it’s alright” But I fear you are giving a pass to the OW out of self-blaming and co-dependency. Know that they suck – the Cheater and the OW – they suck. Can people change? I don’t know. Can a Cheater become a Unicorn? I don’t know – as Chump Lady says – it’s possible, just haven’t seen any. Can an OW change and be remorseful? I don’t know – if either are sex addicts with a splash of Narc on top of it, I’d be more inclined to bet No. The truth hurts and it’s scary to think there are psychopathic and sociopathic people – and even more frightening to know/wonder if you’re sleeping next to one. Trust me I know…..I wish I didn’t – but I know. Be kind to yourself – just step up and over the OW – she doesn’t want/need your defense.

Rainbowpumpkin
Rainbowpumpkin
3 years ago

That is genius.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpdidodah

“… it’s like gnats wanting wisdom from a bug zapper.”

????????????

Like cheaters, OW’s are all the same.

Snivelling whiny cunt. Such self centered stupidity too, does this whore *really* think she’s going to get sympathy from *us*? ????????

Yes, you are totally a *bad person*, and I hope you never have another happy moment.

chumpedtoomuch
chumpedtoomuch
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

“Snivelling whiny cunt” ????????????What a great description.

One of the OWs I’ve had to deal with claimed to STBX that I ‘wasnt keeping my promises’ because I contacted her when I told him I wouldn’t. Because that whore values honesty and promises ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I can’t remember who on here said it, but yeah: “I wish them all the happiness they deserve”

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Supposedly, I was jealous according to Nancy. What she won was the booby prize, a stick crooked dick who wanted someone to clean the linen for the bed wetter and pick up depends after sweeping the camper.

Sandra Smith
Sandra Smith
3 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

GIRL!!!! YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY SAVAGE!!!!!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
3 years ago

Yikes!

I think we should all take a moment to get ourselves in check and NOT be deluded like this woman.

I’m sorry to any of my past hoe friends – but these hoes are disgusting!!

Chump B
Chump B
3 years ago

When other women write in, it always sounds like a humble brag. Why do they do this?

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump B

Because they think they are superior to the wife. Because of all the lies the cheater has told them, and they fell for it.

Maddi
Maddi
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump B

Because they are deluding themselves into thinking they are the main dish… they actually think their twu wives is superior to years of a relationship, marriage children etc…

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago
Reply to  Maddi

It’s a massive ego rush, I imagine. In reality, they’re a piece of ass used as an escape from adulting.

Married cheaters and their APs disgust me. Everything about them is absolutely shameful. I know CL and a lot of others act like the APs aren’t the problem and admittedly, they’re not the ones who made a commitment to you. However, they are complicit in being a giant piece of shit and knowingly trying to ruin your life. Not one of them, could hold a candle to what the spouse does. Turns out, it’s a lot easier just being a sneaky whore instead of raising kids, paying bills, and being an adult.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

“I know CL and a lot of others act like the APs aren’t the problem…”

CL doesn’t do this, she says the OW/OM sucks, but the cheaters suck *more*.

It’s just that once cheating has been discovered, what you have is a cheater with all the entitlement that goes with that. The OW/OM whores are basically irrelevant, they’re interchangeable. In the cheater mindset, any kibble dispenser is much like another.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

Right, we are supposed to respect them because they made no committment to us. Well we made no committment to them, so we don’t owe them anything either. No respect, nothing. We did make a committment to the cheater, and if there are children, we try to give them some respect for that.

I would never do anything or say anything directly to the OW in disrespect, simply because my son has to put up with her. And I wouldn’t lower myself to her level. But, I also wouldn’t piss on her if she was dying of thrist.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“I also wouldn’t piss on her if she was dying of thrist” ????????

If the rat faced whore was dying of a heart attack in front of me, I wouldn’t call an ambulance. ????????????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

????

Maddi
Maddi
3 years ago
Reply to  Maddi

Oops – twu wuv…

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

follow

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Hey, I’ve always wanted to know what does this mean? Why do you write follow? Also can someone tell me what the acronym DD is for? Not discovery day but I feel I see D when discussing kids.

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

Also at the top of the website there is a link to “resources” that offers some of the terms. It could use some updating and I think it would be hilarious if KK was added.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

What is KK. Something about Kibbles?

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

UX World’s horror show of an ex wife, he calls her “the Kunty Kibbler”, hence KK. ????

UX did a guest post UBT with a letter from the wretched KK it was hilarious. It’s in the archives. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Ha, good one.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

I just post that to get notifications of comments. Posting a comment will do the same, but most times I see the thread early in the am and am not ready to post yet.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

Shesux. Darling is the meaning.
DD = darling daughter
DS = Darling Son

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Writing “Follow” and ticking off “Notify me of follow-up comments by email” is done when you want to follow a particular discussion even if you have nothing to add to it at the moment. It took me awhile to figure that out.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Yep.

Same thing if you make a comment and check the follow up comments. It is just that in the am when the subject comes up, I am not usually thinking of comments.

Abby
Abby
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I love seeing other woman posts, some have the audacity to write to a blog specifically for woman who have been cheated on, physically abused, sexually abused, manipulated, gaslighted to an extent that you even forget who you are All with dealing with kids sometimes. BUT damn you found out he wasn’t leaving his WIFE. Ouch that pain must be unbearable… lmao. This is literally a Netflix movie like watch a Netflix movie and you’ll know the outcome of your relationship if you’re with another man who is MARRIED. I love chump lady and I love all you chumps honestly it feels like Tuesday is right around the corner with how good things have been lately. I hope you guys have a good day!!!

unicornomore
unicornomore
3 years ago
Reply to  Abby

This site is for all chumps including guys who were cheated on, but I get what you mean…any OW/OM who comes here has got a screw loose.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I would absolutely LOVE the UBT to translate a letter from the cheating husband, even if Clady has to make one up.
We have written the things they say over and over again.
I would love to hear the shit that comes out of their mouth UBT’d– particularly the cheater who discards a blindsided spouse for the ‘upgrade,’ that is the selfish, entitled narcissistic, dimwitted 0W.

The cheater abandoner will never write or reflect, he is too busy going full speed ahead in his new shiny life (often with a younger ‘I’m so special’ 0W) while the discarded are left picking up the pieces

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

There was one on here not too long ago from a cheating husband who just had a craving for Olympian style sex or something.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

Oh yea thanks, but I want to hear one from the type of man who says it’s not about the sex – he just fell in love with his true soulmate (after flirting, treating a coworker like a girlfriend, texting and secretly talking to her on the phone constantly and completely feeding a sexual dynamic) and decided he had to shatter his wife and decimate his family for the office slut – because she is such an amazing person.
The amazing 0W likes to break up families and fuck other people’s husbands while she’s married.
I want to hear him rationalize that poor him should’ve never gotten married -even though he’s the one who proposed- was never in love – even though he was the chaser and completely infatuated. And he didn’t look elsewhere – it just happened.
A few of us have had husbands like that.
They actually sound so reasonable and are the nice guy cheaters.
They will convince everyone that something was wrong in the marriage even though they acted like everything was fine.
That guy will never ever write in; he doesn’t even consider himself a cheater.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

They won’t write in. And mostly they will put up a wall between them and their concience. They have to.

My ex said once it isn’t about the sex. I just said it is adultery and it is exactly about the sex. (he did not like the word adultery) It likely isn’t now, as they are old as dirt just like me, but then it absolutely did start out that way.

I think it does for most of them. Just getting a little strange, then they get entangled. Too many lies, whore is pushing for him to divorce, work has his nus in a vice. A little different for each case, but that is the basic.

The reason I knew my H was lying about it not being about the sex, is he lied about everything for a good ydar and a half, so if he said it, it was a lie.

My guess is many of them have quite a bit of casual sex before they run across the one that entangles them.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you Tracy. The lot of us male chumps in CN appreciate that you do not forget that.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Dude! Publish that MF red herring for the real men that inhabit this little piece of CN heaven. ????☝️????

Chumpnzee
Chumpnzee
3 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Yes please – my STBX doesn’t fit the bill for ‘winning’ in a singular sense. She and her friend(s) we’re running a book of men which were updated every week with new conquests. Yes, it’s humiliating for me, but downright mortifying for my teenage kids and any mutual friends. It’s very hard to start an open conversation with anyone, although I’m getting there 9 months after day.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpnzee

Nzee
That’s some SERIOUSLY AND I MEAN PULP FICTION, fullON Brother JULES Fucked UP SHIT there. HOLY CHRIST ON HIS THRONE man. Please tell me you are Out if that crushing nightmare. FUCK!!

X concubine was fucking 2 at my awakening with about 4 additional triangulated.

Hope they all got/get/ or are getting a taste. OMG ???? I just shivered ☝️????

I’m making my old high school sweetheart ❤️and 82 year old mom a spaghetti dinner tomorrow night.
This will be Fun.

Keep it Simple Bro.

Chumpnzee
Chumpnzee
3 years ago
Reply to  MARCUS LAZARUS

Thanks Marcus. I am coming out of the nightmare though it will continue through coparenting and proximity (small town).
Your response gave me a real lift as my mind still boggles at what was going on.
Striving to keep it simple!

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

There are plenty of chump men out there. Some days I think it’s just three other guys and me on here, though. Statistics (and common sense) say women cheat as much men, but men are less likely to go out on the Internet and post about it. It’s very humiliating.

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago

Yep. Men post about it less than women. Even though it’s anecdotal, in my life, I’ve known so many women cheaters especially in the 30s-40s range.

My ex wife cheated on me. My best friend’s ex fiancé cheated on him. My brother’s ex wife cheated on him. My brother’s best friend cheated on him with her boss. My friend and former coworker’s wife cheated on him with their kid‘s basketball coach.

We have a generation of women out there who need attention like a drug addict needs a fix. They’re super selfish, obsessed with social media, and ready to dismiss anyone if they’re unhappy for five minutes.

Kara
Kara
3 years ago

I think that still goes back to my point about women being socialized to one up each other fighting over a man. The OW always seems to have this sense of bragging about how they “won” or a sense of superiority over the spouse. So when an OW feels like she “won” the Pick Me Dance, she brags about it. All these articles of OW writing about how their relationship with cheater was Tru Wuv or letters like this of Poor Me are two sides of the same coin with the same subtext: I’m the Better Woman. I’m Speshul. He Should Choose Me.

It’s the same thing with women who are the cheaters. It’s all about being Better. I’m better than his exes, I’m the Best, I deserve the Best. I’m Even Better Than Other Women Who Cheat Because My Luv is Twu Wuv.

With cheating men, at least the ones who talk about it, the theme that runs with them is more like, I Want. I Want to fuck as many women as I feel like. I Want my wife to pay attention to me 24/7 and damnitt she stopped doing that once we had kids. I Want a porn star spouse, but my wife isn’t that. I Want my dick to be serviced. Male affair partner it’s I Want this man’s wife and I’m entitled to her. I Want to have sex with that woman even though she’s my best friend’s girlfriend.

With cheating women and affair partners, the theme is I’m Better Than. With cheating men and affair partners, it’s I Want. Both are extremely selfish, but one side seems more rooted in self-centered entitlement and the other seems rooted in self-aggrandizement.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Good analysis.

As TtW puts it though, there’s also an element of shame. Historically, men who have been cheated on are nearly always mocked and laughed at, “cuckold’s all awry”, “wearing his horns”, etc etc.

The implication of course, if you were a *real man* your wife wouldn’t have to cheat on you.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

True, and it is just as unfair to them as “if she had kept him satisfied, he wouldn’t have cheated”

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Oh definitely, there’s the added layer of shame of not being man enough. But I see that reflected in both genders with the RIC. Like Esther Perel and her ilk pushing the idea that if wives are sexy enough and put out enough their husbands won’t cheat. Men need to be good enough providers, kiss their wive’s asses, earn more money, etc.

Same garbage message of being “enough” but for men it’s aimed at how much they earn or give, and with women it’s how much sex do you put out, how attractive are you. It’s two ends of the same line though. The “Be Good Enough” spectrum.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I think women have been indoctrinated into feeling they have to ‘justify’ themselves far more than men?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

That and men tend to keep their sex shananigans on the down low.

That is how we end up getting lied to for years. ????

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I think it’s both women are pushed to have to justify themselves more, and also we’re pushed to compete with each other over men.

Not that men aren’t pushed to compete with each other in their own way, but I think men are socialized to just compete to be the top dog, while women are socialized to be catty and fight over men. Get two women fighting over a man and one of the women is supposed to come out the “winner” over the other, but the man wins no matter what because he gets a woman either way, just depends on who Pick Me Dances harder. Women are told to see each other as enemies with a relationship being the zero-sum prize.

I don’t really see two men fighting over a woman though. There are plenty of Chump men in CN who seemed more to try to reconcile and beg their cheating spouses rather than fight with or confront the affair partners and try to battle it out with him.

There’s definitely chump men AND chump women, but there is a different dynamic between the genders. At least as far as concerns the heteronormative relationships.

IamChump
IamChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Truth, the OW in my case told me ‘I won’. I didn’t even know there was a competition!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  IamChump

Same here, didn’t know there was a competition until the game was over. Dang I know I could have won the swimsuit competition.

But, she took home the turd.

BookandDogLover
BookandDogLover
3 years ago
Reply to  IamChump

Yes! I heard the same.

What did she win? A narcissistic pathological liar with financial immaturity and massive debt, an STD, various addictions, and a rapidly aging body. Anything said/done/gifted to her was said/done/given to me first. You want him? Enjoy the sloppy seconds.

My counsel said 9 times out of 10, the OW is a drop down. Most definitely!

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  IamChump

Such a moronic mindset. Yes, I ‘won’ a liar and abuser, makes me so much better than you. Not.

Any woman who competes for a man has no sense of self-worth.

“If I have to compete for your attention, then fuck your attention”.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Very true.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  Abby

Same to you sis!!!

And yeah none of this shit ever bothers them until it happens to THEM. They’re not doing anything wrong, lying to anyone, until someone is doing THEM wrong and then they grow a conscience and suddenly they’re feminists who just have to let the wife know that the man is a lying liar! We have to stick together sisters! The humanity of him lying to us both. I mean she was okay when he was just lying to YOU and she was in on it, but this is WRONG periodttt.

Sorry for the ramble there, I get carried away.

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
3 years ago
Reply to  Abby

You forgot financially abused as well. I lost a huge chunk of my retirement money. Most of us have. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

I hate that so many women lose a lot of their retirement.

I was fortunate, we waived each other’s retirement, though he had more in his than I did. He gambled and racked up lots of debt, so he crashed and burned.

I still have a healthy retirement fund, though I worked for many more years to build it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

And most of these ow’s willingly hide away. If she didn’t go along with that, there would be fewer of them, and the wife would find out sooner, and get out of the situation sooner. Yes it is true that she doesn’t owe the wife anything. It is also true that the wife owes her nothing. No repsect, no sympathy, nothing.

The OW in most casses goes along with that financial theft. She knows her gifts and money are coming from marriage funds and that the wife is being decieved for her benefit. She keeps quiet because she is getting something out of it, and she knows what she is.

In my case I never spend much time after the first couple days even thinking about the whore. Still don’t, at least not until she messed with my son and his family. Even then I blame my ex, because he went along with it.

Having said that, she is simply a whore, and not worthy of any respect. Anymore than he is. The only respect I retained for my ex, was as my sons father, and that is pretty thin right now after their latest antics.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago

Dear Whore, you are too a bad person. You knew he was married. Get therapy.

Poor dear UBT, how you suffer. Thank you for your valiant efforts to decode this whorespeak. I hear your transponders whirl in my mind. Thank you.

no-way
no-way
3 years ago

“Stuck with the Bed, Bath and Beyond receipts” ???? ???? ???? ???? ???? x 100!

Buzzybird
Buzzybird
3 years ago

Youre my spirit animal

anuthatch
anuthatch
3 years ago

Sooo instead of just being a decent human being. By not dating/ continue to date a married man. She keeps encouraging the married pos she’s sleeping with to leave his wife. Then has the audacity to whine about not being picked? That may be updated depending on his mood or lack of cake. She’s as manipulative as he is.

NarcissistSurvivor
NarcissistSurvivor
3 years ago

You knew he was married and you still pursued a relationship with him. You do not have morals.
And, they lie to get what they want. Congrats little homewrecker, you have been manipulated.

MedusaInMeh
MedusaInMeh
3 years ago

Best UBT line: “The bed linens. They were real.”

AimingforMeh
AimingforMeh
3 years ago

Idiots like this enable cheaters. Love how she fails to acknowledge the damage and chaos she brought into the children’s lives.

Kathleen
Kathleen
3 years ago

I don’t understand why these “hoes” write in. Are they looking for some sort of validation in being a low class home wrecker?
You knew he was married… disgusting whore.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I honestly think so. Most of them are seriously disordered and love trolling (heh) and starting shit.

cuzchump
cuzchump
3 years ago

Wow,she sure has nerve. Poor little homewrecker. She knew exactly what she was doing. She sounds like
my cousin. Screwed around with my ex for 4 years and she plays the victim.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
3 years ago

They picked out bed linen!! How special these OW think they are. She’d take him back in a New York minute too if he’d have her. All this blathering from cake eaters makes my head hurt. Any person who knowingly sleeps with a married person is an asshole. Plain and simple. Like they expect empathy from US. Pffftttt

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
3 years ago

My ex’s ow. Thought he was wonderful, its surprising how stupid some people are.
We split up years ago, she still hangs around. in her defense she left her kids for him, he actually said that, I think she would have left her kids with anyone who would have them, tragic but true.

Kim
Kim
3 years ago

You feel like a whore because you are a whore.

BookandDogLover
BookandDogLover
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

I just can’t with women like this.

You put your trust in a narcissistic cheater. What did you expect?

Nothing but karma to see here.

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago

I feel we have a generation of women like this in the young 20s/30s range. These are the ones who post every aspect of their lives on social media and constantly fishing for attention and validation from men.

BTW, cheaters say the same stupid shit and the APs always believe it. No honor among thieves. But who seriously believes that they’re not being intimate with their spouse and “sleeping in separate rooms.” EFF OFF.

I bet the APs would be surprised to know they were still sleeping with the spouse when the affairs were going on or had just stopped.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

Two or three days before my ex left me for the OW, we had some serious fun in our living room on a chair. I was thrilled because I honestly thought, oh wow he does love me, he is getting his head on straight. (his words) (I didn’t know who he was screwing, though I suspected it was someone.) I was still pick me dancing.

That whole summer before Dday, we went out on the boat a lot and made use of the cabin for play. He was seeing her all that time, unknown to me. So either she knew, or he told her a lie and she bought it. Guess which one is more likely.

Kim
Kim
3 years ago

I think they rationalize it by assuming they’re somehow special.

But we women have each others numbers this way…..we know who the trashy women are.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
3 years ago

Dear Not a Bad Person,

If I actually believed you were duped (which I don’t)… I might offer you some sympathy and say… be glad you didn’t win the pick me dance… when you win a cheater, you win a cheater… and likely create a new opening for another OW/OM.

However, I have no sympathy for you. Not. One. Iota.

Forget him and his motives… you knowingly sought to blow up a family for bed linens… you were willing to permanently effect the lives of his children so you could do what exactly?… you imposed yourself on to the wife to tell her YOUR TRUTH… whattheeverlovingfuck… we don’t care what the OW/OM thinks… even after the ink on the divorce papers is dry. You feel like a whore? You feel dirty? You aren’t the OW… woman, you have a heap of denial you need to work through with your therapist… maybe put your energy there instead of fucking married men.

Well done UBT… well done.

Lulu
Lulu
3 years ago

She wasn’t duped even by her own standards. If they actually did have an open marriage, she was still trying to get him to divorce.

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

That’s a good point Lulu. Why is she trying to get a supposedly “open” man to leave his wife? <_<

Patsy
Patsy
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara this power struggle and MUTUAL MANIPULATION has been noted by therapists: that whilst being happy to help the man avoid his commitment to his wife …

OW after a while press for commitment!!! And he all the while avoiding that commitment.

Shintoga
Shintoga
3 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

If any man told me he was in an open marriage, I’d be immediately suspicious and ask to talk to his wife about it – not that I’d expect him to let me (but that on it’s own would be a massive clue, anyway!) Sooo not surprised to read the wife in fact did NOT have an “agreement” with him about sex outside the marriage. These people believe what they want to, even when it’s obviously a lie.

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  Shintoga

Yeah, the “open marriage” bit should have been her first clue this guy is not the faithful type and she clearly wanted an exclusive arrangement. She gladly bought into his garbage as it was convenient. She would not be labeled the OW and she figured with enough time she’d be able to lure him from his family. No matter how she dances around it, she was the OW and she got dumped like so many OW do…

Patsy
Patsy
3 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Surely a sensible woman would say, “I will just contact your wife and check she is in an open marriage”

Watch that face …

Shintoga
Shintoga
3 years ago
Reply to  Shintoga

I want to add, I wouldn’t consider doing anything with a married person anyway. I’d just enjoy letting them know I knew they were lying lol.

karenb6702
karenb6702
3 years ago

I honestly can’t believe anyone would believe the sob story of my wife’s and I have an open marriage / don’t sleep together / only together for the children .

Honestly it’s the oldest con in the book .

Anyone with an ounce of self respect should say ok I am sorry you are having difficulty in your marriage you should talk with your spouse and seek outside marriage guidance . If this doesn’t work then you should look at divorce . Then and only then once divorce is in motion if you must then start dating .

You don’t drop your pants because someone says my wife/ husband doesn’t understand me . Even a 15 year old knows this is a lie !!

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

I also thought it was quite telling that she considers only the times she’s slept with him as cheating….not the days and weeks and months of inappropriateness and emotional affair to get to that point. She never mentions that.

Then she continues the emotional affair for a year (if she can be believed here) before she slept with him again? That’s a whole lot of cheating that she clearly doesn’t see as cheating.

BetterDays
BetterDays
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

It’s the oldest line in the book but damn effective. Not only did The Entitled One’s little tarts believe him, he spread around to anyone who would listen that our marriage had been over for years and we were nothing but roommates and I was a frigid homebody who never wanted to leave the house. Even people I thought were my friends believed him. (I made new friends.)

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Right? “Oh we have an open marriage.” Sure you do.

I have a rule for this. If a man ever says “We have an open marriage/my wife allows me to sleep with other women” then ask to talk to his wife and see how it goes. If he’s telling the truth, it shouldn’t be a problem. If he panics and has a thousand excuses why you can’t do that, then he’s 99.99% probably lying. (I’ve known some poly couples who don’t like having contact with their partner’s …partners…which is also a reason to raise and eyebrow because it smacks of the spouse not actually being 100% okay with the setup.)

This OP was an OW. She’s just looking for someone to tell her she isn’t. She knew he was married, she said she stepped away but kept talking to him for a full fucking year, and she pushed him to leave his wife and children. When he wasn’t moving fast enough on that divorce, she tattled to the wife thinking that was finally going to get him to cut the cord and give her the title of Pick Me Dance winner.

OP, you feel dirty because you ARE. You feel like a whore because you ARE. You knew he was married. You engaged with him anyway no matter how much you try to make excuses for it. Instead of truly cutting him off, you pushed him to leave his family. You didn’t contact his wife because you cared about her feelings, you wanted him to finally leave her and you figured he’d do that if she got mad enough at him. All through your letter you have this thin veneer of being duped and hurt, but right beneath the surface is a massive layer of excuses. “We were in love!” “He said he was in a dead marriage!” “He said he’d leave her!” “We picked out SHEETS!!!” Oh my GOD SHEETS??? That’s like, better than being Facebook Official! Whore-Bag Sheet-Picking!

Stop trying to absolve yourself. You’re not a victim here, you’re an Other Woman who’s mad she lost the Pick Me Dance. If you understood Cake you’d realize you want it just as much as he does.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

I also thought it was quite telling that she considers only the times she’s slept with him as cheating….not the days and weeks and months of inappropriateness and emotional affair to get to that point. She never mentions that.

Then she continues the emotional affair for a year (if she can be believed here) before she slept with him again? That’s a whole lot of cheating that she clearly doesn’t see as cheating.

Marianne
Marianne
3 years ago
Reply to  Beans

Yes!

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Beans

^^^^^^
This.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

“I have a rule for this. If a man ever says “We have an open marriage/my wife allows me to sleep with other women” then ask to talk to his wife and see how it goes.”

I wouldn’t even contemplate this. If a man tells me he’s married, it’s buhbye, no matter what bullshit rationale he posits.

The rest of your post is spot on, though. ????????

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Chumpnomore6: Believe me, I’m not interested in joining anyone’s polyamorous circle. I left my marriage because my ex husband wanted that and he now has three wives. *barf*

This is just what I say when it comes to the “we’re open/my wife knows” line. Does she? Prove it. I’ve told this to a few poly friends who were clearly sleeping with men who were not as open as they claimed to be. A coworker told me she’s going on a date with a man who said he’s broken up with his girlfriend but they still live together, but they’re *really* broken up, he said so. I told her, how do you know? Did you talk to the girlfriend? Have you met her? Did you ask her this?

Nope. I said before you go on a date with this guy, I recommend you actually talk to the supposed girl he broke up with. You might find out that their breakup is news to her. If you ask to talk to her and he gives you excuses why you can’t, then he’s lying. Drop his ass.

Another friend who is poly was gushing to me about this married man she met who was open and how she was really into him, but he only ever seemed to talk to her when he wanted sex, they’d never hang out or do anything outside of that. I asked her if she’d ever spoken to this man’s wife. Nope again. I asked her how did she know he’s open? Did HE say that or did his WIFE say that? She broached the subject of talking to his wife and he dumped her. She was upset but I told her you should always, ALWAYS ask the wife. If it’s true, there shouldn’t be an issue.

c-
c-
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Ayup. My bf and me have an open relationship, and if you’re doing it right (read: ethically), there are norms and openness and communication and respect *and everybody knows what’s going on, always, from the beginning*. Too many people use polyamory as an excuse to cheat, which is bullshit.

We legit have a massive word document detailing what is and not ok to do with other people, what do we tell each other about other partners (to respect the other people’s privacy), what protections we use for sex with other partners & with each other, etc. And we each always tell any other person we’re interested in “hey, I’ve got a partner, we’re open, are you ok with that?” because CONSENT MATTERS and anyone has the right to know that the person they’re considering sleeping with is not single, so they can make informed decisions about what’s right for them.

So, to sum up: if someone tells you they’re in an open relationship, and they’re being honest, you’ll know because they will tell you unprompted, answer your questions, let you get in contact with their partner if you want, respect your no if you don’t want to get involved, etc. If it feels sketchy? It is, either due to dishonesty or to your not feeling comfortable engaging in polyam. Either way, stay clear.

The lines this man fed the OP were obvious bullshit and I’m sorry she fell for them, but she loses the right to ask for sympathy when she stops being duped and starts actively participating in hurting the wife and the children. Oy. Those are innocent people you’re hurting for the sake of your ego. WTF, lady?

Marianne
Marianne
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Seconding this. Plenty of cheaters will use the line “we’re open/ we’re poly” to get sex.
My only foray into polyamory I met all 3 other partners of the person I briefly dated.
Was it drama free? Nope. Never have I done so much processing. But it was ethical.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

You’re a really good friend.

Excellent points. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

It is so cliché as to be laughable.

But, many will suck it in. But you are right, the sparkle dick should have started divorce proceedings once he realized he was losing control of his dick. Takes only a few days. Then he is free to chase tail to his hearts content.

But, they don’t do that because they want to make sure what they really want. So they use the wife and manipulate her for months or years until they feel comfortable leaving. Many think they will never be caught because they are so damn smart.

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Yep. Or it could be like my ex wife, get me to move states, fund her a business and exit plan, then drop it on me. Good to know I was working my ass off, stressed every single day, so she could be happy all while she was chatting it up with her AP.

Then when caught, threaten divorce as a way to bully, blame for her cheating but not leave the AP, mind eff you and use you for money, etc. But when you go NC and then file for divorce, here comes the tears.

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

So many cheaters move states and then dump the spouse. I always figured it would be easier to divorce and then move on your own but apparently cheaters have another outlook.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  KB22

My best friend moved her and the family to a bigger nicer house, then dumped her within two months. He wanted the equity out of the old house, that disappeared, then she couldn’t keep up the payments so he got the house as there was not enough equity in it to make any money.

Personally I think she had a bad lawyer given that circumstance, but she accepted it, just to get out.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Only ever agree to move states when a spouse is acting spooky if the new state allows alienation of affection suits while the old one didn’t. Jujitsu.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

The manipulation and financial abuse is horrific.

My ex talked me into signing for a loan for a river property for our “retirement home” knowing he and whore were setting up the kill. He couldn’t wait and let whore do it, as she had no credit, having previously filed for bankruptcy.

I am so thankful my facility did not close (DoD) before Dday. He would have lied to me and I would have given up my job to stay where we were. He would not have cared a whit that I was left with nothing, just as long as things went by his timeline.

I don’t know what spured the disclosure, though I suspect the fact that he had his boys in a vice grip at work, with her being his direct report. I know in the last couple weeks, folks began to find out about it. Also, she was likely pushing for the divorce.

That is just my guess, I will never know for sure.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Yeah, really. I remember when I was young hearing things like that on the regular from married men, like it was some sort of enticing pick up line. Even more offensive than the fact that they were married, was the implication that I would be so stupid to buy it, and flattered by their attention. It comes off needy and desperate. Not a good look and a total turn-off. Probably why OW are almost always downgrades. What sort of female goes for that sort of BS? Unfortunately, we know all too well.

karenb6702
karenb6702
3 years ago

I wouldn’t be flattered if a married man came on to me I would think he was a desperate stupid dickhead .

Is there a shortage of men out there that woman can only seem to get married ones ? Then think this is ok ? Then when it goes tits up say “ THEY” were used ?

Nope they fell for a lie , they knew it was a lie so serves them right .

You are 100% right though unfortunately we are all too aware of this . ((( hugs )))

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

The line that was used a lot by these men was “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Yeah, probably because you’re a whiney sad-sack loser. Like we’re going to listen to you complain and sypathize with you so you can get a mercy fuck out of us.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago

I felt crestfallen when a friend– who happened to be a movie star, wealthy as hell, considered handsome and all that– tried to induce me to cheat with him on his live-in girlfriend whom I knew. I sputtered out something like, “If I love you and you love her then I love her and I would never do this.” I could have been a lot harsher but at that point the situation became political since he was close to someone who was pivotal to keeping my dream job. I shifted from feeling friendship to intimidation which, for me, meant I’d lost respect for him. In truth, I didn’t love him as a friend anymore. He’d once made a grand gesture of helping my career without asking anything in return but it all looked like grooming in retrospect. Fuck that. Fuck abuse of power. Fuck cheaters. I’d scrub toilets before taking part in that circus.

That was when I was really young. I don’t consider it “wisdom beyond years” to know better than to mess around with a committed person because it’s the same kind of social negotiation kids make in seventh grade. Even if I had been a scheming, rapacious POS who didn’t care if the guy was a big cheat or if his girlfriend got hurt, pure self interest would have kept me out of that mess. I knew I couldn’t replace his girlfriend because, by cheating with him, I would immediately disqualify myself as long term relationship material, not just with him (who so obviously chose someone devoted for himself even if he couldn’t keep up his end of the bargain) but with anyone worthy in the future. Who wants to be condemned to lie forever about your past to someone you claim to love? And who worth their salt would trust a former mate poacher/cheat? You have to be so dumb and so desperate not to figure this out.

I wasn’t flattered by the whole drama. I felt sad to lose someone I thought was a friend but not as sad as I would have been to lose basic integrity. Feeling sad and being a sad-sack cautionary tale are two different things.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago

Being young I don’t think it was wisdom speaking for me either. For me it was just disgust, like why would I want to do that with you, because you’re wanting to do something you shouldn’t and you’re trying to drag me into it? But my very first reaction was always, no matter how old I was, was why do you think I’m the sort of person who would take up with a married or taken man? I was insulted by how they judged me. And then in a flash in my head I would see a scene play out like a sped up movie reel, of a ‘relationship’ consisting of hiding and secrets, always something to be ashamed of and not what love really is. Why would any young person want that, especially since when young, there are plenty of single people to choose from? I thought they were crazy.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago

Sorry, repeat, the 1st attempt seemed to disappear.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

The one line that women kept hearing when I was young (married guys still probably do this): “My wife doesn’t understand me.” Yeah, probably because you’re a whiney sad-sack loser. Like we’re supposed to go all weak in the knees listening to your tales of woe and sympathize with you enough to give you a mercy fuck. Everytime I heard that, and not only to me but directed at any woman, I wanted to barf.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago

I always wanted to reply ‘Oh, I bet she understands you all too well. That’s why you’re looking for someone new who will buy your bullshit!’ But I was too polite, just gave them my best ‘ really?????’ smile and moved along.

SheSucks
SheSucks
3 years ago

God, you’re telling me. My ex wife and her AP liked to “understand each other” with their bullshit sob stories, woe is me, daddy issues BS. Hey ladies, newsflash for all of you, NO MAN OUTSIDE OF YOUR HUSBAND/FAMILY/THERAPIST WANTS TO HEAR YOUR SOB STORY and invites you to dinner and to their place unless they want to sleep with you. “But I have a…” No, no, you don’t.

My ex found a guy who was incredibly screwed up from her past. Never has this man provided for a wife or lived with a woman. Never was he a full-time dad (he has a son he didn’t know about it til years after he was born and shares with a ‘baby momma). But they really bonded over their BS.

I wish there was a way to identify these types of people so the normal folks can avoid them like the plague.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  SheSucks

As time goes on, there are a couple of things that can provide clues, at least for me (I’m sure there are many more). One, is it too good to be true? Two, is there a hint of desperation? These are the two things I usually notice first with liars. They will also over-explain everything and work too hard to be convincing.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Your comment reminded me of one time, not long before Dday, it was in the early part of Dec. (Dday was 25 Dec) We were supposed to go to his work Christmas Party. He was late. I met him at the door, and said where were you? He started stuttering about some work emergency. I just hugged him and said I was kidding, lets go. I should have stood there and let him dig.

Thinking back, he was doing just that; over explaining. Then later at the party while we were sitting at the table with our best friends and schmoopie and her girlfriend on the other side, I noticed he was sweating up a storm. God I was stupid. I know, I know. By then I had already began to suspect foul sex, but it never occured to me it was his employee. First because she was his employee, and I had always thought he was fairly smart. Second she was not a particularly appealing woman in terms of who you imagine your H messing around with.

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
3 years ago

So let me get this straight . ….you are an accessory to destroying the emotional social financial and physical health of an innocent woman and her children and you want sympathy ?! WOW ! You have balls the size of watermelons ! This is the equivalent of a burglar being pissed at the victims for not having any valuables in their home . Get over yourself ! You walked into your own propeller blades. Terrible terrible terrible ! From a guy’s perspective I love the high from attention from other women I also love chicken wings I wouldn’t while in a relationship stick my dick in either …..both would burn . I will also say that I love who I see in the mirror more and hold him to a higher standard than to destroy the people I swore to love and protect . Your character is reflected in the character of those you hang around with . He’s shit so you………..

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
3 years ago

My Man! My man!
Preach it Brother ???? Bag????
Hale Jesus wings. Nuclear North Carolina reaper style. ????????

????

TooSmartforthisShit
TooSmartforthisShit
3 years ago

I wouldn’t stick my duck in either bahahaha

Chumparoo
Chumparoo
3 years ago

I know!I loved that statement! Chicken wings and Other Women! Bahahahahaha! Im dying laughing! I love that!

Champignon
Champignon
3 years ago

WOW! They really only care about themselves. Me me me. How many times she says I is also very revealing.

Portia
Portia
3 years ago

It always amazes me how the OW/OM of the world think they are so Special, and how they believe in Twu Luv. I believe that someone could be sucked into a relationship with a married person, because they are lied to, and sometimes it takes a while to find out. But as soon as you know you have been lied to, you have the opportunity to walk away. It is not the same loss a spouse faces, there has been a wedding, and relatives, and financial obligations, and sometimes children, and time invested in a marriage. If an unknowing other finds out, and walks away then, they have been duped, but they have character and dignity. If they know from the start, and proceed anyway, then they are trying to build a relationship on shifting sand, and I don’t have time for mercy on those folks.

Leaving a cheating, lying, spouse takes more character and determination. Often there are other people involved (children), and financial considerations. These issues make the shock and trauma worse, and different people react to pain and the dissolution of a marriage in different ways. I will not judge another chumps choice or method of dissolution. Chumps make mistakes, and have more to lose than an affair partner does. Chumps have to find a path to MEH that works for them. Chumps are entitled to consideration. An affair partner is someone who finds out they have been dating the wrong person. It may hurt, but their whole world is not destroyed because they have not made the investment of time and energy that the married person has. These levels of pain are not equal, and it is a false equivalency to consider them so. Just look at this woman dithering over bed linens, and realizing he lied to HER! What about his wife and kids? How can she equate her bruised ego with the total loss of their way of life? You can only think this way if you are Special, better than others, and while you say you realize they have pain, your pain is so much more important. Give me a break. Please slink off and snivel elsewhere.

I am sure there are many bad marriages that need dissolution, for many reasons. It is hard enough to do what needs to be done, then. Adding another person into the mix is a fuckwit choice. It is like carrying a gallon of gasoline on your lap when you are headed for a car crash. There will be a danger of fire, anyway, at any crash. Carrying extra fuel, on your lap, is not a good choice. Exit a marriage if you need to, but wait to date. It may be a lonely choice, but at least you can concentrate on a new relationship after the old one is done. For the other person, don’t get into a car headed for a crash. Why would anyone want to ride along in that situation, knowing how bad crashes can be, without any added fuel. Seriously, don’t ask for sympathy when you make that choice!

Double Chumped
Double Chumped
3 years ago

When I met my ex 21 yrs ago, she was wearing a ring. I took a pass and said, sorry, I don’t get involved with married women. She continued to contact me over the next few months and announced she was no longer married and they had come to an agreement: they would share the house until it was sold. We met for coffee, her ring was gone, we went to a baseball game and ran into her “ex,” things were a bit awkward, but civil, yet I still held off anything physical. I interrogated her further, even did a background check on her “ex” and felt that she was telling me the truth..wishful thinking. Still I put on the brakes when she wanted to move in with me. We dated another year, I saw her “ex” often at sports events, things seemed resolved. Fast forward a year later and she moved in, we had a daughter and last year she began cheating. On D Day #1, she told me she had told her AP that we were broken up and only living as roommates until the daughter left for college in 2 yrs. So basically, she pulled the same lie on the AP as she did on me…or so I thought. I contacted her ex and apologized for what happened 21 yrs ago. I felt terrible that I fell for her crap and hurt another innocent person. But D Day #2, I discovered her AP knew all along and helped her conspire and lie. My point is, this post hit me. I feel dirty for what happened 21 yrs ago. I feel her treatment of me is my karma for accepting her lie without talking to her so-called “ex” at the time. At least her ex doesn’t hold it against me and says I’m not to blame for her shitty character.

KB22
KB22
3 years ago
Reply to  Double Chumped

Her ex from 21 years ago dodged a bullet, so he should be thanking you. Seriously, I get why you would call and apologize but if you think your ex just started cheating a year ago, think again.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
3 years ago
Reply to  Double Chumped

I was the Second Wife. I worked for the cheater for a number of years. He gave me the same line- the marriage was dead, they didnt sleep together. I was thirty with 2 kids, and wondered if I’d ever find a special Someone. (pre-Tinder and online dating years). He was respected in his field, smart and funny and attractive. He separated from his wife. We got married years later having lived together for 15 years. We had a child together. 22 years together total and I found out he is a serial cheater, and not just with first wife. I went from Goddess who gave him a son, to just another side-fuck. Am I the Other Woman? I feel like it- now.

Tell the truth
Tell the truth
3 years ago
Reply to  Double Chumped

This I don’t understand they say they said I don’t mess with married men/women but continue to correspond with the cheater. This is me if I don’t fuck with married men I’m not going to be excepting no text, email, Facebook, etc. so please stop saying I said I don’t mess with married women/men for god sake be truthful to yourself once you cross that path we know what kind of person you are: A self-centered disgraceful loser. No sympathy

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  Tell the truth

I agree. I’m 40 and have definitely been propositioned by married men in my time, in person and online. But I don’t entertain a damn thing. Block and delete. I’m not sticking around enjoying the attention or flirting or saying nasty things to pique their attention or trying to be “frieeeeends.” We all know how that goes.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Beans

Beans, you hit it. These are people that need the attention. At their core they are empty losers and they will take the attention and the kibbles from anyone who offers – it regardless of who it damages.
They are also liars, they lie to everyone else and they lie to themselves. They convince themselves this is true love… but really it was just empty ego fulfilment.
They were also very immature and have no concept of what love really is.

kb
kb
3 years ago
Reply to  Double Chumped

When I met my ex 21 yrs ago, she was wearing a ring. I took a pass and said, sorry, I don’t get involved with married women. She continued to contact me over the next few months and announced she was no longer married and they had come to an agreement: they would share the house until it was sold… I interrogated her further, even did a background check on her “ex” and felt that she was telling me the truth

I can’t tell you to feel better, but from where I sit, the only thing you neglected to do was to demand a copy of the divorce decree. She made a move on you. You said no because she had the big “married” sign on her forehead. This is what a normal, ethical person would do: tell her no. And when she said she was no longer married, you investigated and things seemed legit. You can’t own her lies. At least you tried to make sure that she was available.

I have known another man who was an unknowing AP. He had been dating a woman for about a year. She told him that she couldn’t see him on weekends because she had to stay with her parents, who were ill. He was okay with this. Finally, he suggested they move in together. They started looking for apartments, and it was then that she started getting cold feet. One day, he happened to get a look at the name on her credit card, and he realized that while he knew her as Jane Doe, her credit card had her as Jane Doe Smith. He did a google search and discovered a Facebook page with her standing with her husband and daughter. He’d seen a photo of her with her daughter, but she’d told him that this was her younger sister. Of course, that was the end of the relationship, but he felt physically ill, and he could not bring himself to enter into a relationship for well over a year. He felt as if he needed to contact the husband and Chump that I am, I said that yes, he should but not expect any response. His obligation was to inform the husband of what happened, but it was up to the husband to take things from there.

So yes, there can be unwitting APs. You didn’t enter the relationship until you thought she was divorced. That’s a big difference from entering a relationship with a married person who claims that theirs is an open marriage and that they haven’t had sex with their spouse and so therefore it’s okay for them to sleep with you. They still have that “married” sign on their heads, and that kind of line is pretty much a cheater cliche.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  Double Chumped

I know what you mean. On my first date with my now-XW, I asked her why it was that she didn’t already have a boyfriend. She answered “I do!” I was stunned and shocked. I had no idea, and I would never have flirted with her and asked her out if I’d known. Because I’m an idiot, I excused her by thinking that there had been some misunderstanding (we were in her home country and there was a little bit of a cultural barrier). I put the brakes on everything for a few weeks, but she told me that her boyfriend wasn’t good enough for her, that she had been planning to break up with him but didn’t want to do it over the telephone, that he was crazy and violent and she was worried about how he’d react. When she finally did break up with him, he was devastated and accused all her friends of knowing that she was cheating on him, and he broke off contact with her and all her friend group.

Now, granted they weren’t married, but now that I’ve been on the receiving end of *exactly* the same treatment I feel terribly about what I did, and incredibly stupid that I accepted all her (in retrospect, transparently bogus) rationales for why it was OK for us to date while she was also dating him. It took 20 years to manifest, but karma came for me eventually. I just wish our kids didn’t have to pay for my stupidity.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago

This probably won’t make me Miss Congeliality but I do understand where some (just some) of these women are coming from. They were taken in by super charming men who told them they’re separated and just cohabiting for whatever reason with their spouses/ children until divorce. I know two such lovely, kind and believe it or not, highly intelligent women. One I don’t feel really sorry for because she met who I believe is a cheater at the swingers’ club. Still, she completely believes he’s in in house separation. She should know better. The second one believes it’s currently ‘complicated’. She’s quite naive and i know this is what she firmly believes.

There are quite a number of you who at some point agreed to open relationships/ were separated in-house/ were in process of separation/ divorce when you met new partners. Also, all of you lived for years/ decades with cheaters, mostly not suspecting anything. If they fooled you who knew them so well, they could also fool even easier some naive woman (or msn).

I also know people who are Switzerland friends, enablers, because the cheater’s wife was asking for it because she was so controlling/ frigid/ didn’t meet needs, blah blah, you know the spiel. And some people just don’t see anything bad in cheating. They’re hero’s of their own stories because they don’t want to hurt their partners/ are better spouses and similar nonsense.

I’ve also noticed that female chumps are more often more angry at OW than the cheater but male chumps are more likely pissed off at their cheating partners and less angry at OM, which is healthier in my opinion.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

I knew not to fall for that crap at 17. Naivete is often willful, a bit like a fashion choice. I’ve seen a few she-poachers in action in the course of my work life (very cheatery field full of climbers, fantasists and abuses of power) and I’ve noticed how some age-regress and act like fluttery Victorian damsels as they’re about to embark on a sleazy affair with some married FW or other. They all turned out to be disordered backstabbers in the end.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

Keep in mind that some of these cheaters really are manipulative and some of them really can lie convincingly. She may well have believed the wife really did know about her and was ok with it and slept around herself, didn’t’ really care about him, and they could work out an arrangement with the kids. It sounds crazy to all of us because we have been on the other side of that and we know cheaters lie and that most wives are not, in fact, ok with the fucking around. Without that context, however, an easily manipulated woman really might not get that. Now that she knows for certain that the wife was never ok with any of this, however, she should be fully cognizant of his dysfunction, running for the hills and what his wife chooses to do about it all is really none of her business and not her problem.

I say this because when I was in college I had a male friend (someone I had had a crush on for a long time before he started dating his then girlfriend) try to convince me that he and his girlfriend had an open relationship and he wanted to sleep with me. I refused, but only because I was concerned about my own feelings. I didn’t want to be a sidepiece for someone who was in love with somebody else. It never occurred to me that he might be lying and that she might be devastated if he slept around. It was only concern for my own feelings that kept me from being an OW. If he hadn’t told me they had an open relationship, I would have been concerned about her feelings too (I had refused others who had girlfriends on those grounds as well as my own feelings), but I naively believed that what he said was true. It is also possible that it was true because some couples really do have open relationships. It’s hard to know unless you speak directly to the primary relationship partner. This woman should have done that sooner, but it may well be that she is more stupid than evil.

MARCUS LAZARUS
MARCUS LAZARUS
3 years ago

CIR
“ I didn’t want to be a sidepiece for someone who was in love with somebody else.”

This is the driving, irrepressible cognizant reality that equates to the naloxone for hopium. Once registered, it becomes our “moment of clarity” and lays bare all the reasons for continuing on.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago

Well, maybe she was naive before speaking to wife but she shouldn’t have been after.

But then, how many chumps have had more than one DD? Because the cheater are able to convincingly lie, gaslight etc.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

“But then, how many chumps have had more than one DD? Because the cheater are able to convincingly lie, gaslight etc”

You’re comparing apples and oranges. Chumps who stay after more than one Dday may have many reasons. First of all, they are *married*, they took a vow which many feel they should uphold even if the other party has reneged.

Sunk costs, a baby, young children, no money/resources, fear, etc etc.

The OWhires have none of these, they’re just entitled dumb cunts who think they’re ‘special’ and entitled to take whatever they want, because reasons. They are contemptible, no matter what revolting rationale’s they spew, like that dirty whore above who wrote to CL.

Why are you trying to defend these waste of skin and oxygen skank buckets? I don’t get it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

????

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I can tell you exactly why, strange and inconceivable as it may sound, but I can tell you why anyone would defend these ‘dumb cunts’ these home-wrecking whores…..it’s because they have a dumb cunt home-wrecking whore vein in them selves that they might feel a twinge of guilt about….or a twinge of defensiveness about….It’s my experience that every fking woman I meet who has a soft spot of sympathy for the home-wrecking whore OW’s is because they’ve been one themselves. May all these women rot in hell. Chumps are loving, kind, smart, trustworthy human beings that have dignity and integrity – but I fear in today’s lawless, pro-whore, sex-crazed world we’ll see the suicide rate for Chumps go up….and it’s a damn shame because the moment a Chump gives up to the grief; gives in to the disbelief of having been so deceived the world will simply respond; “see….she must have been nuts after all, no wonder the poor guy had an affair….” It would be so easy to cave in. The celebrity patients that flock to my fkwit Beverly Hills surgeon – they love him – even if they knew he had cum inside his White Lab coat an a whore’s pussy juice on his lips left over from the afternooner – they wouldn’t care. Nobody cares about decency anymore and the women who defend OW’s are dirty whores themselves.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

I agree, anyone who defends OW/OM in *any* way is definitely lacking a moral compass.

You’re right about these types having a vein of OW/OM in them.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

“Chumps are loving, kind, smart, trustworthy human beings that have dignity and integrity ”

I agree that this is the case most times with chumps male/female. Simply because their character traits makes them easier targets for betrayal. Add in committed to marriage and a chump will go the extra mile to perserve a marriage, even without knowing exactly what is wrong.

We will ask what is wrong (as I did) and we will be lied to, until the fuckwith is ready to bail. In biblical terms they are usually unequally yoked. They just don’t always know it.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Yep, and if Chumps could just see that once they get past the pain, overwhelmingly their life will be better. There is good life after being abused by a cheater.

Sites like this help get that word out.

And for those few that have a unicorn cheater, there is life ahead too. There just aren’t that many of them.

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I’m not trying to defend them as a whole group. I just said it’s possible that some naive women (men) are as taken in by the cheaters as the spouses are, and the spouses know their cheaters far better. Yes, probably some should pay far greater due diligence but a lot of spouses also continue to ignore red flags and don’t really do due diligence after first DD. I’m also not talking about the group as a whole.

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

There’s nothing naive about putting your dick inside a woman and there’s nothing naive about opening your legs to a man’s dick. Infidelity wears many masks and you’re adding the mask of ‘naive’ to the roster. It’s laughable. As Chump Lady said once about magically falling on to his magic penis…..the only thing that makes the cruelty of infidels worse is the defensive of them. It’s like saying the drunk driver that killed little Billy was only a ‘little drunk’ – open your eyes – then perhaps your heart will follow – I’ve seen babies born almost blind because the OW gave herpes to the fkwit who then fathered a child and the Chump broke out vaginally; gave birth; and add another suffering soul to the mix – this time a baby.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Well said.

SheSucksAsAHuman
SheSucksAsAHuman
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Five stars from me for use of “dumb cunt.” It’s a phrase that is apropos for cheating women and “other women.”

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

As Kara says somewhere above, if someone is told, “open relationship blah blah”, and still wants to become involved, a person of character and integrity will do due diligence, and *speak to the wife/husband* first.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

I like to think I’m open minded, but this whole “open relationship” BS just seems like an excuse to not grow up and be in a committed relationship. If I were young again I would not hang around anyone flinging that around as ok. Often one person in the couple wants to step out and the other goes along to maintain the relationship, sort of like they’re being blackmailed into allowing it. And if two people in a couple are both on board, then why be married? You don’t have a marriage, as far as I’m concerned. You are defiling marriage. I’m not religious or belong to any faith with rules about that, it just flies in the face of the definition of marriage. In my day it was “swingers.” My husband and I were approached twice over the years by people who wanted to be more than “couple friends.” One was our son’s pediatrician who had us over to dinner with his girlfriend and another couple. When the evening got strange, we left. I was so confused about their weird behavior and lack of boundaries, my husband had to expain to me what their agenda was. Yuck.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

Me too.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I agree.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago

I agree. I’m 40 and have definitely been propositioned by married men in my time, in person and online. But I don’t entertain a damn thing. Block and delete. I’m not sticking around enjoying the attention or flirting or saying nasty things to pique their attention or trying to be “frieeeeends.” We all know how that goes.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

Me neither.

This whore knowingly got involved with a *married* man, and *chose* to believe what the turd told her, then whines about feeling ‘used’, whilst continuing to fuck the piece of shit.

Persephone, that is in no way similar to chumps who trust a cheater before discovery – we were married to them, we trusted them, because one is supposed to trust one’s spouse. This whore chose to fuck a married man, chose to believe his lies when she admits herself she knew he was a liar. There is no moral equivalency here.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

????

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  Persephone

This OP, however, had more than one point where she found out he was lying and that he had not left his wife. And then another when she actually spoke to the wife and found out, again, he was lying, and still thinks she is a victim. You mention a lot of us in CN have had live-in separations, dealt with failed Open Marriages, etc. This man was not any of those situations. He was actively LYING about that. It would be one thing if he was either open or working a live in separation, but he wasn’t. And she found this out early on.

She had several moments of truth and chose to 1) Continue contact with him and 2) Push him to leave his family.

She was presented with reality more than once. She chose herself. Every time. Plus, consider this: This is an OW writing in to Chump Lady looking for sympathy. …Do you think she’s being 100% transparent about the events that transpired? She mentions she only slept with him twice. Do you really think that’s true? What was going on in the year she supposedly refused to sleep with him, but somehow also went shopping for household items with him?

I don’t buy it.

SheSucksAsAHuman
SheSucksAsAHuman
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

You will never get the full truth from a cheater whether it’s the cheating spouse or their AP. Just like in every aspect of their lives, it was always be self-serving and omit a ton of things. The cheating spouse lies to the spouse and to the AP. I imagine every chump here was shit talked by their spouse to their AP about all of our “failures” and flaws and of course, we had to be awful or why else would they be cheating? “SAVE ME, AP!”

I don’t buy they only slept together twice. LOL. Men aren’t leaving wives for that. This was going on for a long time and I guarantee the pushing him to leave his wife came when the AP was feeling like a worthless whore when he’d sleep with her and then he had to go elsewhere for the holidays or go play daddy/husband.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

My fuckwit actually admitted that.

I ask him if he spoke badly of me to whore. He said “what was I going to say, oh my wife is great, that is why I am here with you”

Jumper
Jumper
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

What an ass, good riddance.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Jumper

Yep, he really was, a apparantly still is.

Beth
Beth
3 years ago

C’mon OWs. You can do better than that. The UBT and Chump Nation love a good challenge. You know, a really tart piece of mind fuckery we can really get our teeth into. That bit of whiny dreck didn’t fry a single UBT transponder. YAWN.

P.S. As one of the Chump Ladies, I hope the wife dumps that turd (just a turd, not even a shiny one) and you get him back since you want to “win” so badly. You truly deserve each other.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I think I saw it one here: “when two women fight over a turd, the one who wins, loses”

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago

Wow, what’s wrong with you Chumps? Have you no compassion? I mean, this Not-OW really fell on the sword to do the right thing here. Bahaha!! ????????

Look, I take issue with Chumps who blame the OW as if their poor cheaters were completely duped. Turn that finger around and point it at the one who broke VOWS to you.
That said, the sudden onset of conscience these OW have when they don’t “win” , is so transparent & cliché. Suddenly it’s a good idea to chat with their lovers spouse. Why did the great need for truth arise only after being dumped, O’ ye of moral fortitude?
Yeah, clearly this communication is a last-ditch effort to win cheater back through exposure, or at the very least, to hit him where it hurts.
A good person doesn’t get involved in messes like this.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

ChumptyDumpty,
Did you make ‘vows’ to your neighbour not to rob them when they leave their door open?
Did you make ‘vows’ not to purposely rip up library books just because you felt like it?
Should you get a pass on any behaviour that hurts others just because you didn’t promise not to do it?
We need to care about other people in our society. The OW and OM care only about themselves (hurrah for me, eat shit spouse)- they see something they want and they go for it – at a huge expense to others, including children.
I feel the married spouse is the #1 asshole, but their accomplice is a close 2nd.

The simple fact is if the entitled would stop cheating with married people, married people would either work out the shit in their own marriage, try to work out their own individual shit, leave their marriage with integrity, or stay and be a miserable person and the non-cheater could choose to leave with honour and dignity.
The OW or OM helps the cheater fuck over their spouse and family – and it’s not a small thing – these are life altering betrayals.
It’s mind boggling to me that anyone would absolve the OW of any wrongdoing. It’s clearly a selfish, entitled and narcissistic act which helps destroy families.

I had a friend recently tell me that she didn’t think the OW had any responsibility because she didn’t make the vow. That ‘screw you’ attitude towards the betrayed wife and the lack of empathy shown to her in the hypothetical situation was very clear to me. I found it very much a ‘too bad so sad, not my problem’ kind of attitude. It was clear to me that years ago she had cheated with a man who was married and she felt no responsibility because she wasn’t married to the woman .
And I get it. But we have to do better and ask more of people.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Zip,
Nowhere did I say that affair partners are blameless or ‘get a pass’, FFS.
I referred specifically to chumps who place all or the majority of the blame on the affair partner .
It should be self-explanatory, I was speaking of *marriage* vows. Not general polite society/good samaritan “vows”. And yes, that opinion still holds.
See my follow up comment above for more detail.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

I think it’s a different situation when your husband uses sex workers vs striking up an emotional then physical affair with a coworker (who knows of you and your family situation).
They’re both wickedly horrible, yet different.
It’s also different when you are the one who left a cheating liar, vs a cheating liar suddenly and completely blindsiding you by dumping you for the OW, who encouraged and participated in the betrayal.
I’ve only been with my kind of cheater, and in my case I sentence them both to being horribly selfish, people.

He’s a big boy, he made the choice to decimate our family. And she’s not special, if it wasn’t her it probably would’ve been someone else down the line.
However it was her; she took her happiness on my back and on the back of my children.
They were both involved in knowingly causing pain and suffering to my family. She was in it to win it. They are both scumbags.

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Well spoken Zip. You are absolutely correct. There are many different scenarios of infidelity that all cause the same heart-wrenching pain – but the circumstances are different. I’d like to think with a cheater husband – if a Chump gets the opportunity to take him back – she should – just so she can throw him out further and harder. And, you’re right OW’s are dreadful home-wrecking whores – they’d be a higher class of whore if they took money and stayed in their lane. But the women who break up families have a special place in hell – right alongside the cheating husband – Karma will get both of them. A man who ups and leaves his family for an OW is not a man. Reasonable people can differ; bring problems to the table; and although there will be heartache they can separate as adults and move on – but the Cheater Husband who just selfishly leaves with an OW is disgusting. I wouldn’t want to even sit next to a guy like this on a bus or plane or be in an elevator with – pig men and pig OW’s. I’m so very sorry you ever had to endure such heartache – wonderful, generous women are always the one left holding the shitty stick. Watch what happens when a Cheater does the same thing to an OW…..usually the OW’s head begins to spin and her evil spirit surfaces. Difficult times reveal character – they don’t build it. Take your divorce papers – make a copy – and let the cat pee on them 🙂

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Jo

????????
It’s that whole spin dr thing they do that really did a number on me. All of a sudden the marriage was a mistake, buying home together was a mistake,… I never heard a word of any of this until poof the discard. And I just know because of the ‘nice’ guy charmer he is, that other people would buy into his sad sausage story.
I feel that if the world hated all cheaters and their accomplices it would be easier on us chumps. We have enough to deal with picking up all the pieces, can’t we have that? Worldwide cheater and OW disgust day!

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

You are correct Zip. At the risk of sounding self-serving, I’m a lawyer, I have a master’s in psych (it’s a degree recommended before law school especially for jury selection) and a BA in journalism – I anchored in the 90’s. I modeled all through college – I married a “nice guy” and helped him build his medical practice while I worked – 28 years married and this past May he told me he’s been with 30 whores throughout the duration of the marriage. And – who gets the blame? ME for working too much; too long. ME for being gone too much. His dead mother for being too over-bearing. Everyone gets the blame for his whoring except him – he’s the charming doctor that is loved by the masses while he jacks off watching porn in his white lab coat. I can’t even look at him and thank God I’m 1500 miles away. The person who posted so many defensive remarks about not blaming the OW ( paid whores and exception) is hurtful – this woman is delusional and only adds to the buckets of blame we already get. And why in God’s name people believe the lies that the cheaters make up is beyond me. Classic scenario “oh…his wife was dying of breast cancer so he slept with the nice neighbor lady while he was hurting…” Really??? When I heard that one I gave up all hope. We need to simply follow the ten Commandments – simple. Good luck Zip – walk tall – you deserve a lot of happiness.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

“They are both scumbags”

Yep, I would say; they are both lying scumbags. Speaking for my case only of course. The hid from me, they hid from their chain of command, they lied and manipulated, they were co-conspiriters plan and simple.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Well said Zip. ????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

“The OW or OM helps the cheater fuck over their spouse and family – and it’s not a small thing – these are life altering betrayals.”

And most are actively involved in it, and help with the screwing over.

Beth
Beth
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

I am one of the “lucky” ones whose ex was a serial cheater primarily with strippers who earned extra money hooking up with their “patrons”. Lucky in the sense that I managed to get out of the marriage without a lifetime reminder in the form of an STD, but also lucky in that it was always clear to me where the blame lay – with my ex. For the women, I am sure it was a commercial transaction (A LOT of commercial transactions). The only thing they were trying to “win” was a meal ticket. Well, he did marry one of them so if she feels like she “won” it was a competition with her fellow strippers, not with me, and I’m sure she’s realized by now that she will be in competition with them for the rest of the marriage. There’s always going to be a younger version of her trying to take away that meal ticket.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  Beth

This was my situation too. And while I have discussed and contempt for any kind of sex worker it was my ex who sought out and paid for the services. The blame rests squarely on him not only for stepping out on the marriage, but for not having the decency to address whatever problems he felt let him to that point before it actually got to that point

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

*disgust and contempt

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

I blame both. The cheating accomplice violated my boundaries as did my fake husband. It’s abuse that has two perpetrators.

Cheating accomplices use your thinking to justify and rationalize and excuse getting involved with a married person.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Yep.

She was in my house, she sat with us at social events, she hid away to allow him to keep lying to and stealing from me. She came to our church and stood right by my husband and I. She went with him on a business trip and spent the night in a motel with him. She let him come to her trailer in the middle of the night, knowing he was sneaking out. She accepted money and gifts from him knowing money was tight for us, and that I knew nothing about how that money was being spent. In twenty years of marriage I never even got a new couch, the one thing I wanted because there was never any money, but he showered whore with money and gifts.

Yet these fuckwits never think that just maybe if they showered their wife with gifts and treated her well, but no when the sex gets vanilla, out they go.

She hauled her son and her nasty ass to the river property that my fuckwit conned me into signing a loan for. That I spent several weekend working along side fuckwit, to build a deck. There is plenty more, and most of these woman do all this and more, my situation is not in the lest unique, though I thought it was at the time.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Yes. The rat faced whore stayed in my home, accepted my hospitality, and fucked my ex behind my back.

The whore accepted gifts from him, all the tome posing as the poor little soul who just needed a friend. Vomit. ????????

These kinds of women have a huge gaping hole where their souls should be.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

It’s acceptable to blame both, to various extents depending on any relationship you may have had with OW/OM. Was she/he your best friend? Then he’ll yes call out that dual betrayal.
What I’m really referring to above though, is who allowed this into your marriage? Whose responsibility was it to set boundaries & come to you with any potential problems -whether your best friend or some bar lush? Who allowed the home to be wrecked?
These observations really apply mostly to Chumps still in RIC. I know many who’ve forgiven their cheater & think (ie, claim) their marriage is even better than ever now. But they still hold OW in the highest of contempt, as if the cheater was a victim. Seems to be a pretty common coping mechanism… transference of the hurt & anger onto the other party so they can look cheater in the face every day & “move on”.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

And since we owe them nothing because we made no promises or vows to them, for me it is acceptable continue hold them in comtempt, or in my case dismissing them as not even worthy of comtempt. Which I think is what most chumps get to. That made no promises thing goes both ways.

“It’s acceptable to blame both, to various extents depending on any relationship you may have had with OW/OM. Was she/he your best friend? Then he’ll yes call out that dual betrayal.”

You, or I don’t get to set the acceptable bar for other chumps, they are capable of doing that for themselves when they are ready.

Jo
Jo
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Thank you Susie Lee for your responses to the individual Chumpty Dumpty who seems intent on defending the OW. I find this frankly both disturbing and sad. I think this individual, who continues to even hint at defending the OW, is either terribly mis-informed; suffers from co-dependency; is still in the mists of their own depression and post-pick me dance; or has a bit of a guilty streak themselves when it comes to infidelity. With the exception of Sex Workers and Prostitutes – there is no question that a “good whore” a “professional whore” stays in their lane – they take their money and if a John even hinted at ‘love or a relationship’ they would throw them out the door. So business/whores aside – the John called them. – so yes, I don’t blame the whore ( and my physician fkwit husband of 28 years slept with 30 prostitutes, he can remember). However, once a sex worker steps out of their lane (as his last one did after seeing his Tesla and finding out he was a doctor), and starts the ‘leave your wife’ ‘we can have fun together’ ‘I’ll make you happy, I’ll take care of you” “leave that silly old wife”, etc. – then the Sex Worker is just like all the other dirty OW’s – they are despicable and just as guilty and shameful as the fkwit married men who approach them. There is blame on both sides. There is NEVER any appropriate defense of a woman who sleeps with a married man – full stop. (I will exclude a professional escort/whore – then it’s on the john – he called her – so long as they stay in their lane) The whore that extorted thousands of dollars out of my fkwit husband didn’t stay in her lane – she became a dirty home-wrecker just like the secretary, the nanny, the boss’s wife – all the other shameful women that sleep with married men. Just look at the countless web sites for prostitutes, City Source, City Vibe, The Erotic Monkey, The Erotic Review – thousands of women – 22,000 alone right in the Bev Hills/ West LA area. Do you see that many men advertising as escort for sex with women? No, of course not. Believe it or not – understand it or not – sex is different for men. HOWEVER!! Loyalty, Trust, Dignity, Honor – are all the same for good men/women. My motto to these fkwit husbands is STAY FAITHFUL – OR- STAY SINGLE. The whores don’t care if someone is married. It’s business. Then yes, blame the guy only. But aside from a professional sex worker – the OW is a dirty and despicable as the cheating husband and there is never any defense for these kind of women. Good wives/chumps have taken the blame for years that if we had ‘been better wives’ he wouldn’t have cheated….we’ve not only accepted the blame it’s been thrown at us by the psychological community – the same as Multiple Sclerosis was horrifically diagnosed for years as “in her head” – I watched my poor neighbor go through that until the medical community recognized what MS really was. Chumps should never accept any blame EVER for a cheating husband – If he’s not happy – step up to the plate, discuss it and get a divorce. So, yes ALL OW’s are pigs.

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Geez,
By no means trying to set the bar for anyone else by stating that “I” take issue with the whole “duped” cheater excuse.
Morphing that into giving OP’s a “pass” is way off base.

IamChump
IamChump
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumptyDumpty

I resemble that!

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago

The OW actually wrote me a terse email in which she said she was sorry for having an affair with my husband (UBT – she was sorry I found out), and that she thought she was doing me a favor. So God only knows what he told her – certainly it wasn’t the truth (sex 3X a week). However, according to HIM, she took it up the butt, which I can’t do. And THAT is worth destroying a marriage and family over.

He also was amazed at her tale of woe that she and her husband never had sex. I mean, butt sex with her was MIND-BLOWING. I guess. Am I a bad person for wishing fecal incontinence on her as a lasting memory of when she helped destroy a marriage?

Meanwhile, I’m moving on.

Hey, be careful out there. My older sis does background checks on everybody she dates, which is probably a good idea.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Jo,
I know it’s not supposed to be funny but your lab coat sentence made me laugh.
OMG, you were just way too good for him. My first husband told me I didn’t work enough… I worked part time and stayed home with our kids. You honestly can’t win with assholes.
I just have to say though, there are some good people who think all blame should be put on the cheater you married..
I don’t get it.
I don’t agree with it. And I’ve had some very hurtful conversations with people who love and support me -to try to get them to see my point of view.
It really is traumatizing when somebody poaches your husband and people put no blame at all on the poacher.
Their brain must be wired differently than ours.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

That particular act is a no go for me. It was the only thing I turned the ex down on. He only asked once, and didn’t seem to let it bother him, so who knows. That was several years before schmoopie.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Mine was definitely bothered by it. He seemed upset over the fact that he thought I had done it for a previous lover. I hadn’t. That was one boundary I had managed to maintain with the previous highly manipulative lover. It doesn’t matter though. If I had, it clearly hadn’t been a positive experience so the fact that someone who was supposed to love me would ask me to do something that some other creep who didn’t have my best interests at heart also demanded is telling. He was more concerned with the possibility that someone else might have gotten better out of me than him. He was probably also bothered because other men had had that experience and he hadn’t and that was unfair. It all comes down to entitlement in the end.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

May this ow be afflicted with rectal prolapse and require a prosthetic sphincter. The market is rapidly growing (told to me by a friend who works in medical sales) because of porn.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Is porn where that comes from? I was surprised my ex ever asked about that. He was adventurous in terms of locations and positions, but that was the only ooky thing he ever mentioned. I was never aware that he watched porn, but then again I was never aware that he was a cheater either.

Who knows. ????‍♂️

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

When a local sex and relationship “expert” ended her column, she listed how things had changed over the previous twenty years. One of the items stated “Anal is the new oral” Full stop.
Before she started her column, she worked the phones for the local health department, fielding questions.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago