UBT: I Let My Wife Have An Affair
In a NYT Ethicist column, a man writes to say his wife had an affair and now she wants him to understand she’s grieving the end of that relationship. Does he have to? The Ethicist flubs it once again, and the Universal Bullshit Translator is here to help.
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The New York Times Ethicist columnist Kwame Anthony Appiah sure has a long record of god awful advice about infidelity. You think he’d skip those questions, but instead he keeps leaning in, determined to bludgeon us all with his false equivalencies. And failing that, the sop of therapy. (He covers both of those bases here.)
So, once again it’s up to the Universal Bullshit Translator to make sense of this slop.
The letter, the wife, the affair that blew up
Here’s what some deluded chump wrote the Ethicist. (gift link)
I have been married for many years, and I still love and care deeply about my partner. Over the past year, she had an affair, and I knew about it from the beginning. She said that she needed it, that it gave her vitality, that she enjoyed a sexual freedom she had longed for and that she felt it was wrong to do this in secret and without my consent. I agreed; what she said made sense to me, and she convincingly assured me this was no threat to our relationship. At the same time, I always suffered when she was away with her affair partner and could not find a way to take this easily.
She recently decided to break it off because the overall emotional burden for both of us was too great. But while she is grieving about it, I feel relieved. Even though I wish that I could have better coped with a situation I rationally and ethically consider OK, it conflicted with something deeper inside me that I can’t easily change.
My question is: Should I feel sorry for my wife? At the moment, I don’t. I understand her feelings and I care about her, but at the same time I feel it is not my job to console her for this particular loss. What do you think about this? — Name Withheld
Dear Name Withheld,
The UBT thinks this is a mindf*ck. This “consent” was an ultimatum to accept her cake eating, at the same time she’s felling you with the blow of betrayal — informing that she wants to open the marriage.
That was the moment to consider divorce attorneys.
She said that she needed it, that it gave her vitality, that she enjoyed a sexual freedom she had longed for and that she felt it was wrong to do this in secret and without my consent. I agreed; what she said made sense to me
Did she offer you the same? The reciprocity appears to be missing here. You have no other Gods before her and she continues to explore her options at the dick buffet. Yeah, makes total sense. (Not)
and she convincingly assured me this was no threat to our relationship.
Dumping raw sewage in the Potomac is no threat to our ecosystem. Shooting peaceful protestors in the face is no threat to our democracy. Your wife’s lover is no threat to your relationship.
Stop eating cognitive dissonance for breakfast.
She recently decided to break it off because the overall emotional burden for both of us was too great.
In other words, she got dumped.
It’s not your job to help your wife grieve her affair.
But while she is grieving about it, I feel relieved.
If this is some light, superficial sexual exploration, no harm! no foul! What exactly is there to GRIEVE? This implies a kind of connection your wife assured you wasn’t possible.
Even though I wish that I could have better coped with a situation I rationally and ethically consider OK, it conflicted with something deeper inside me that I can’t easily change.
Why does the UBT have a sneaking suspicion that the Ethicist edited this passage? By adding “ethically consider OK” under the guise of paraphrasing.
Sir, this bullshit is conflicting with your common sense. You’re choking on the cognitive dissonance cornflakes.
Feel sorry for the wife?
My question is: Should I feel sorry for my wife?
At the moment, I don’t. I understand her feelings and I care about her, but at the same time I feel it is not my job to console her for this particular loss. What do you think about this?
She shagged herself into this mess. Her sulking (that she got dumped, that your feelings are a buzzkill) is just another bid for centrality. Tell her to go enjoy her vitality. Fly, be free!
The Ethicist’s advice
You will not be surprised to learn that the Ethicist failed to notice the blithering narcissism of the wife and instead leans into the dunderheaded idea that her failed affair is an equivalent bummer to his distress.
We don’t have voluntary control over our emotional responses, at least not in any straightforward way.
However, we do have control over our Times subscriptions, a choice the UBT considers every time it reads an Ethicist column.
You’re glad; she’s sad.
What kind of monster are you to rejoice at her sadness! The Ethicist will give you a pass, however, because we don’t have control over our feelings.
And neither of you can simply choose to feel otherwise.
Holy false equivalence, Batman
From what you say, it sounds as if she gave up the affair for you and for her relationship with you, just as you consented to it for her and for your relationship with her.
If she was dumped (most likely) or gave up her affair because her husband was such a buzzkill about it, doesn’t address the inherent THREAT that was levied at the beginning of this f*cktangle.
You most likely felt you had little choice about acquiescing to what she wanted, and, in time, she may have felt that she had little choice about acquiescing to what you clearly wanted. Your partnership would not have gone well, you perhaps thought, if you had withheld your consent; it would not have gone well, she perhaps thought, if she had persisted. Beneath the velvet of sweet reasonableness lurked the edged steel of unspoken ultimatums.
Your ultimatum is as sharp and steely as hers. How dare you expect monogamy from your wife! That arrangement you all agreed to with free will and then she bait and switched.
Thank your wife for ending her affair
But while your sense of relief is unsurprising — and while you can’t simply resolve to feel otherwise — maybe you could help her deal with her loss out of gratitude for her belated acknowledgment of your needs? Solace is one of the gifts of marital love. And consoling someone you love when they’re in pain doesn’t require that you share that pain.
Perhaps she could refrain from sulking? No, no. Chump-o, it’s your job to feed her entitlement and acknowledge that your wife has a sadz about her affair. Be grateful she notices you! She tethered her needs for vitality and sexual adventure to settle for your boring ass. Is solace too much to ask? You don’t have to enjoy the taste of sh*t sandwiches. Just eat them.
Consider therapy!
Still, these distinctions may be elusive in practice. And so it may be worth your both talking this all through with a counselor. Neither of you will ever be able to adjust your feelings on demand, but it could help to give them somewhere to go, in a way that helps you stay connected.
Do your feelings need somewhere to go? Your wife’s have wandered off to the dick buffet. You could try the Reconciliation Industrial Complex. Limbo for $180 an hour. STI testing is extra. When questions are too thorny for the Ethicist (PEOPLE ARE ASKING FOR ETHICAL CLARITY Kwame Anthony Appiah!) he defaults to therapists. Take your feelings there!
The UBT suggests you take them to a divorce attorney.
It’s not clear to me that she was hiding it from him for a year. He wrote: Over the past year, she had an affair, and I knew about it from the beginning.
Not sure why he’s calling it an affair, but I reckon it’s because he felt it as a betrayal, no matter what he agreed to. It will be the first of many such “requests” from her, along with increasing distance, because she wants “vitality” and “freedom” instead of her husband. Actually, she wants all of the above.
He feels bad because he intuits that he is going to have to do a lot more consenting to b.s. requests in order to keep his marriage.
She’s a more clever narcissist than most of the FW here. His intuition is not wrong because it feels like an affair
I doubt she was 100% honest about her activities
We must have cross posted. I edited my initial reply because I glossed past “I knew from the beginning.” In any case, he endured a year of cake eating. My CL brain is also skeptical that she asked for permission and then had an affair. But even if she had, it’s still a bomb to drop on someone, let alone expect sympathy for her choices.
My “open marriage” offer/demand was an attempt to pretend to show consideration while having done so much more behind my back for so much longer. In all likelihood, as you’ve stated previously, this guy was already in an open marriage without his knowledge. But, yes, it was enough to have tried it (while operating in the confines of what he believes to be true) and finding a gross aftertaste to the whole thing.
I knew a young woman who told her husband she wanted an open marriage and he said no and promptly divorced her. She thought he made a big mistake and that he won’t find anyone else because he had had a very serious brain tumor in the past and “who would want someone with that past” well she went out there and had relationships with who knows how many men until that did not work for her and she found religion. Then married a guy who had been a drug abuser and had to divorce him because he started using again. She was barely scraping by financially as she somehow was no longer a hospital nurse.
Anyway, her first husband did meet someone who shared his values and he had a good life after her. Even her own family was upset with her behavior and maintained contact with first ex husband.
So that was karma.
JFC the irony of so many chumps here who thought their FW must have a brain tumor to have morphed into a shark-eyed monster (raising my hand here), while this gentleman who ACTUALLY had a brain tumor acted with integrity and courage!
I too can raise my hand as part of the “does my FW have a brain tumor?” club. And yes, how ironic that a guy with an actual brain tumor didn’t act like a FW at all.
Yes he did.
Also in the above case, she wanted ongoing therapy with him so they could work out how they would have an open marriage. She was mad because the therapist said they need to split up because they have different values and it won’t work. At least that therapist got it right!
I really really hate the RIC!!! And too many therapists are on board with that crap.
I doubt that I’m the only one here thinking that Name Witheld’s wife has proven herself to not be so much of a catch. He’d be better off releasing her back into her natural environment so that she can find herself and the happiness that she undoubtedly believes that she is entitled to. Or, to put it another way, he should divorce her and go “no contact.”
Life is too short to have people like her in your orbit; better to cast them off into deep space and have done with it.
LFTT
PS – As for Mr Kwame Anthony Appiah’s scribblings …. however much the NYT are actually paying him is is too much.
Her natural environment is with the other bottom feeders!
Thank you, once again, CL, for providing the sane and helpful response. The Ethicist always, always, takes the side of cheaters. Can you imagine the pain the LW is in for if he tries to take Appiah’s advice?
I read all the comments (and left one, saying the LW should send his letter to you), and no one else pointed out, as you do, CL, that if this out-of-wedlock sex was supposed to be physical only, the cake-eating-wife should not rationally have the sadz.
LW’s wife said she “needed” to have an outside affair because it made her feel vital and she enjoyed sexual freedom. If LW was willing to agree to this, I’m sure he would have also agreed to some fun vacations, volunteering together, and a copy of a good sex book. Wife just wanted to cheat without having to hide it. And with the bonus of knowing her spouse was suffering every time she was with her AP.
I too suspect she was dumped. If she broke it off, I think she would have told LW before, instead of after. And if she ended her affair for her marriage, I think she would have been trying to make amends for what she did, instead of expecting him to console her.
My ex-husband of four decades also demanded that I console him after I discovered he planned to marry a catfish scammer he’d met online less than two months before, despite never meeting in person or vido chat, and only a two-minute phone call.
When I discovered this and proved it was a romance scam to get him to send tens of thousand of dollars, he was devastated and demanded that I console him for losing the love of his life. He flat out told me that I had better please him, including sexually, if I wanted him to chose me over the scammer! It was always all about him. He never considered how I felt or what I had lost.
He repeatedly told me he was mourning the loss of his true love-someone he’d never met, Months later, during his sole visit with our tween, he left his cell phone open to his current “I love you” messages to the scammer, and tween screenshotted them.
He would not give up his delusion, and I suspect letter-writer’s wife would not give up hers. His wife saw her AP as much more than just sex.
It’s telling that she hasn’t tried to make amends for the pain she put him through. Instead it’s all about her.
I suspect she is going to “need” another AP as soon as she can find one.
And how ethical is it to expect someone to comfort the person who betrayed their marriage vows? The columnist doesn’t seem to think the wife’s behavior was unethical. She’s grieving the loss, not regretting her prior actions. His answer is pretentious and ignorant.
Not just unethical but I think downright cruel. I know we hear about this crap of consoling your FW when they are brooding over their lost “love”
I find that expectation to be cruel and re victimizing of the victim. Expecting the chump to console the FW because it’s all about FW happiness.
Sounds familiar. My not-yet-ex also has an ongoing “relationship” with a scammer, and expects me to console him when she won’t make plans to meet him nor move to a non-paying communication platform. He accuses me of having no empathy when I stare at him disgustedly as he cries over whatever fake drama is happening with their texts.
Sorry, I can’t feel bad for someone who has cruelly discarded me and thinks that a girl half his age, who he has to pay to text with, is his soulmate. Too bad, so sad. He should be getting his emotional support from his little online girlfriend.
His little online girlfriend is likely a male Nigerian teenager, so there’s that.
Yep. And when I brought up that possibility, he said I am a conspiracy theorist and am always negative (unlike his scammer who is always optimistic sunshine and roses). Maybe living with a FW does not liven up my mood.
I suspect the the “Ethicist” was raised by some scientist’s wire monkey. It is apparent he doesn’t understand mutual attachment and commitment and it’s place in a fulfilling life.
Or maybe he understands that the only way to rise in rank within a FW-tainted media company– one where at least 10% of shares are owned by a mutual fund that heavily invests in the porn and sex industries (both of which arguably depend on the public’s “infidelity tolerance” for market growth), where the current CEO is the spawn of several generations of adulterers in an industry that lost umpty-gazillions due to #MeToo takedowns, not to mention a company directly rocked by scandal when, in the same year, a reporter and former bureau chief were accused of serial sexual harassment– is to blur public conceptions of sexual consent and erode public prohibitions against sexual abuse without straight out advocating for rape, domestic violence and sexual harassment and while still appearing pRoGrEsSive.
It’s a lot to ask of an ink-stained hack and requires improbable contortions of logic and ethics. So who better than someone who did his dissertation on “probabilistic semantics” at Cambridge– something not even Wikipedia tries to explain?
“probabilistic semantics”: How To Justify Anything In Ten Easy Steps
Ai?
Or he’s simply a cheater himself. Or both.
I suffered from blind trust which led to the inability to see that Cheaty McLiarface’s friendship with Joyful Jil was oh, so much more. When the time came for him to (semi secretly) grieve her relocation and his subsequent loss of contact he heaped those negative emotions on me in a vicious manner. Of course I internalized his angry rejection as another “If only I could do/be better he’d treat me better”. If I’d have had any idea of what his angry sadness was really all about, I might have pointed and laughed at him.
It seems to me the letter writer was bludgeoned into accepting a one sided Open marriage so his narcissistic wife could be seeking new dick under the label of ENM or some such BS.
It’s abusive and cruel no matter what anyone labels it.
I have a friend whose daughter agreed to her husbands request to engage in a non monogamous “relationship” with a third person- female. They were all living together.And of course it turned out hubby just wanted to have sex with the other woman. Wife caught them when they were not supposed to be there. Wife finally divorced husband who is so far still with the other woman. I’ve yet to know of one of these situations that work out for all parties. And who knows what their child knows and how it affected her.
OP: Divorce your wife and a life that requires you to write to an ethicist for help.
Then find someone for whom you are enough.
I also suffered an attempt to change our agreed upon rules of marriage. In hindsight, the request was supposed to cover up the non-monogamous behavior he had been conducting the entire marriage (and possibly relationship). If she’s “letting you know” now, there may very well be a larger, non-ethical non-monogamous iceberg under those waters. I will tell you that from my perspective it was the mindf*ckiest of mindf*cks, and *I* spent days grieving this very rock-and-hard-place “request” (read: order) that has been given to me before ultimately rejecting it. Should you comfort them for their loss of something yucky that they foisted upon you? Heck to the no. Understandably you’re sitting there in the aftermath wondering where your comfort might be. The self-centeredness of such actions leave no room for you and your feelings, chump. I would say put all of your comforting toward yourself (because what she did was heinous and inconsiderate regardless of whether or not you believe it was your choice), create a plan, and exit the mindf*ck. It is not what you signed up for, and that is enough of a deal-breaker to go. If you’re okay with the non-monogamous turn your marriage has taken, batten down the hatches, because this is probably going to keep happening until she finds something for which she will more overtly stop “considering” you.
I just have to stop and applaud this sentence: “…there may very well be a larger, non-ethical non-monogamous iceberg under those waters.”
Exactly!
Agrees 100^
I’ll just say for the record that my divorce lawyers gave me vitality.
Oh, good one!
HAHAHAhahahhaa !!! comment of the day !!!
A similarity to my own situation was that my ex was definitely sad about her affair ending, although the big difference was that I didn’t know about it at the time. However, one thing that might happen to the OP which happened to me is that his wife might continue to seek “happiness” outside the marriage (or, as Trecy put it, line up at the dick buffet), instead of working on the problems inside the marriage. And this might happen without the OP’s knowledge.
Regardless, even if the OP agreed in the beginning, he should trust his feelings about not liking the arrangement because he likely won’t like it she continues to try to fulfill her “needs” by jumping from bed to bed.
It is a certainty that both my exs had break ups and EA affair losses..it just showed up as depression, mental illness imbalances, visits to psychiatrist, meds for depression, worsening of baseline stability. No direct conversation for an open marriage, no D-DAY until a solid D day with some truth trickle in.. so this is a Chump alert…a direct grieving confession is a reality to deal with ..but the underground is deeper and wider…Tracy- your book gives us all the blueprint of what to do and not to do…so NYTs are just idiots who are stumbling in the dark, eating bread crumbs from their readers and don’t know what they are saying for advise..let’s give them CL book
No comforting them and no comforting me from the Cheater
…file
I spend a fair amount of time in my depression grieving alternative realities. “What could have been.” I realize that is irrational. It’s what therapy is for in part.
I see this person and I see the Jeff that permitted the open relationship instead of shutting it down(it happened anyway, so um…this sort of happened anyway.) Same fundamental dynamic-the cheating was happening anyway-they got sad because they didn’t have permission and were feeling guilty. There is that quantum of solace when it fails. It was always going to fail. We knew it because they knew it, too. Then this traitor needs comforted that their decision did not turn out to be the right one.
Reconciliation Industrial Complex, anyone?
The Times, ever inimitable in their “well the heart wants what the heart wants and if anybody else gets hurt that’s on them”, wants our new friend here to go and patch up his traitor’s sadness and be thankful that it is over.
Which, let me see if I have this here-she cheated. Check. She asked for permission to continue(and let’s be honest-was probably coercive about it-it was either the old “I am doing it anyway with or without your permission”, or the “if you really love me you will want me to be happy.” I doubt it was the simple “I will stop if you tell me to” that it was presented as, but our new friend is understandably in denial there.) She was happy for a while. Check. It stopped working either because somebody caught feelings, there was another schmoopie elsewhere in the polycule, or the sex got bad. Check. Now his traitor is sad.
I think it is perfectly fair and natural to see your partner in pain and want to fix that. To hurt knowing that some small part of you vowed to make sure that they never hurt again. Those parts make sense to me.
That being said…he was betrayed. She came to him after the fact to get his permission to continue(and again-I very much doubt that the whole thing was couched as “I want to pursue this but it’s completely OK if you don’t want me to.” I am probably the last person that gets to weigh in on that particular issue-all that being said though, if he gave the permission for her to be in this liaison, I think it perfectly fair that it’s on her to work through the heartbreak on her own. I very much doubt that she was going to be supportive of his heartbreak if she was left our new friend.
His “consent”(and is it really consent when it is coerced?) does not automatically mean he will be responsible for the aftermath, good or bad. That was her choice to make-and if she didn’t understand the likely consequences then she probably should not have made the choice. If her emotional calculus was “but so-and-so will be OK with it no matter what I do” he should probably be letting a lawyer know that she is soon to not be his problem if she is more concerned about being able to sleep around instead of honoring a legally binding commitment.
If I were this guy, I’d be a lot less concerned about how his wife is mourning her extramarital affair and more concerned with her doing it again when she has sufficiently “mourned.” And I’d probably also be taking a good hard look at any other impaired decision making that she was seemingly OK with.
Again-I live in the alternate reality from this guy. Having spent the last two and a half years “playing tapes” as my father would say I’m definitely seeing larger patterns of impaired, self centered decision making that makes me life far, far better without that person.
Have a Mighty Monday!
What is with this RIC thing about staying in a relationship/marriage No Matter What?? I really don’t get that.
When we are betrayed why should we have to try to fix anything?
And you know if they do it
Once they will do it again. His wife just came back cuz she wanted a plan b. She will in short order, need to find “vitality” again because she’s already told him he’s not enough.
Why oh why is there such a push to maintain any relationship here?
It’s good he reached out to CL so he can start taking care of himself and hopefully dump that uncaring selfish b*****.
He unfortunately did not reach out to CL. He reached out to the “ethicist” at the NY Times. 🤣. CL would’ve actually helped him.
It’s a very good point — she will need the “vitality” again. It’s not a one-and-done.
Thank you for the clarification. Yeah he should have reached out to CL.
I have mixed feelings about the public conversations we’re having about consent.
On the one hand, there can’t be a healthy relationship without consent.
On the other, there can’t be real consent in a relationship without honesty, mutual respect, or trust. And some practices are cruel and harmful in every situation.
“Everything goes as long as you technically agreed to it” doesn’t really cut it.
I concur, especially if it was agreed to under any kind of pressure, even if it’s covert and not stated openly. For example, if FW sulks and gives you the silent treatment when you say no, it isn’t genuine consent if you give in and say yes.
Remember how fat shaming was seen as “last socially acceptable” prejudice a little while ago even as outspoken racism and misogyny became not OK to say out loud?
Chump shaming is actually the last “okay” social prejudice to openly embrace, aided and abetted by the media which itself is full of cheaters.
Being neither famous nor rich all I can do is say my truth, refuse to take shame or blame for the marriage whenever I speak about my divorce, and repeat CL mantra that chronic infidelity is ABUSE. In life and online.
And hope in whatever small way I can, to change that prejudice one mind at a time.
In this whole story, I am not surprised by the behavior of either side.
I am not surprised by the NYT and its Ethicist columnist, because we constantly see and read something like this, that is a manifestation of increasingly vague morality – in the press, on television, in films and in literature in various forms. (I am particularly struck by Adam Sandler’s portrayal of betrayed partners.) Thus, tolerance for cheaters, as in this case, has become a kind of social norm and even virtue, driven to the point of absurdity by the idea of personal freedom despite the obligations assumed by the person. If a person lies, insults, causes moral damage to another person, destroys people’s lives, including children, in any way other than infidelity, we unanimously publicly condemn them and even drag them to court. But for some reason, everyone thinks that fu**ing affair partners beeing in a committed relationship is just an easy romantic mistake and all the participants in the tragedy will forgive and forget and will live happily ever after.
I am not surprised by the advice of an Ethicist columnist, who suggested the expected trivial panacea for infidelity – to consult a therapist (IC, MC), that is, to make a significant monetary contribution to the reconciliation industry.
I am not surprised by the narcissistic OP’s wife, who is clearly not cut out for a monogamous relationship/monoamory, and who, after receiving a hall pass, demonstrates complete disregard for her husband’s feelings. There is reason to believe that she enjoyed both lover’s and OP’s cocks on the same day/night, without even washing her vagina or showering. And, indeed, why?
And I was not surprised by OP, who is a typical weakling without a glimmer of pride and self-esteem. Besides, I suspect he’s a hidden cuck. I’m sure he’ll neglect any advice on ending the marriage and their strange sexual cohabitation will continue until the death of one of the partners. Perhaps OP will be thrown a bone for good behavior and invited to participate in threesomes.
But I will never stop wondering why so many people continue to blindly believe in “reconciliation” and in “correcting” cheaters and relationships with them, why so many people remain blind and deaf to the arguments of reason and to the experience of hundreds of millions of people around the world. And why do more and more people believe over and over again that setting firm boundaries in a relationships that meets their moral standards and personal comfort is a violation of a cheater’s rights? We ourselves teach the cheaters how to treat us.
P.S. I am not against polygamy/polyamory in principle, but only if these relationships are “ethical”, that is, all interested parties are aware of them and agree with these relationships, and these relationships do not bring moral, physical or material harm to any of the parties and their loved ones. But such relationships are never sustainable and do not fully meet all the ethical principles that I have described. This kind of sexual freedom never ends well.
Your comments on OP being weak and a “hidden cuck” are out of line in a group for chumps. Guy chumps are shamed like this all the time, no different than saying it wouldn’t have happened if he had been more of a man. My story is different but the theme is there, my wife of nearly two decades at the time, who had never even given me a reason to doubt her said she wanted to try online chats (I can explore my sexuality safely! It will be totally random! I will let you know everything I do!) Yeah right. Online searches of trusted sources and “experts” led me to say yes. The predictable happened the mild and anonymous led to personal and awful, online affairs, losing a job from sexting at work….and the full compliment of cheater tactics-gaslighting lying, blameshifting-all of it. It nearly killed me. After I repeated your comments in my head weak, pathetic, cuck. It was before chumplady so I didn’t know any better. It took way too long, I was in a situation I was utterly unprepared for, with toxic advice, while trying desperately to hold my family together. I hope OP reads Chump Lady and sees through the bullshit he has been fed, and does it quicker than I did.
Give the poor guy some grace when he is in hell.
Crazy but true, I have known a few polyamorous couples in recent years and I have had a front row seat watching each situation implode for one reason or another. I am not against adults making consensual decisions for themselves together. Consenting adults have every right to explore this if in fact as you say it is ethical for all parties involved.It seems eventually lines blur, expectations change, hurt becomes a central feeling in the mix and the situation implodes.
Exactly. You stated many of my thoughts so well. I don’t get it either. If the spouse had stolen money from him society would collectively say she can’t be trusted you need to leave her.as a society there is more care about money and material things than other people.
The ethicist says “solace is one of the gifts of marital love’…. So ethicist is playing the Esther perel game of cheater apologist and choosing ‘cake for me and not for thee.’ What definition of marital love is ethicist referring too? Cheater has one set of definitions, ethicist has another and husband has one too. So at least three definitions since ‘marital’ is no longer a definitive term, especially when dealing with a narcopath/cheater entitled arrogant p-of-s
I didn’t read this column in the New York Times because I knew it would upset me. And there’s plenty of other things in the news right now that are upsetting me already.
As the UBT says, the Ethicist routinely gives terrible answers to any letter concerning infidelity. As to just why that is…I think we can all draw our own conclusions.
Anyway, I agree with the UBT’s take on this.The letter writer’s spouse cheated, yes, with his coerced consent, but she did. And NOW she expects him to console her for the end ot the affair??? Incredible chutzpah!!!
Original letter writer, get thee to a divorce lawyer!!!