UBT: ‘I Will Always Love You’
He cheated, left, and took their kids, but left a note saying “I will always love you.” Is this self-reflection or terrorism?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Your blog has been a source of strength for nearly a year. I found out about my husband’s chronic infidelity last fall when I discovered deleted explicit messages from five different women and evidence he had met up with two of them at a hotel earlier that month. (Separately, at least?)
This all went down about a month after I landed a phenomenal (but short-term) research position and relocated to a major city, with our two very small children, as part of a long-term plan to both secure jobs in his dream area.
Turns out he’d been unfaithful for most of our relationship.
(He even solicited Craigslist hookups during the honeymoon phase of dating—he claims he didn’t meet up with them, it was just the fantasy!) He let me move to two different cities, conceive a second baby, juggle a long-distance setup as the primary caretaker of two tiny kids while also holding down a job, and dedicate my doctoral dissertation to him, all while actively cheating on me.
You will be disappointed to know that I didn’t file until last week, though: I desperately tried to save things for the sake of our kids (and because holy shit, economic insecurity). He put in the effort, but eventually, he’s the one who decided he couldn’t take my anger, grief, and constant fighting and moved out. With the kids (I got them back). Without telling me. While I was on a work trip. On the other side of the planet. Two weeks before our lease was up. He just assumed I’d figure it out—after all, the kids could stay with him in his new place. It had a pool!
While cleaning, I found this letter he left me, which is essentially what he said after I came back from my trip:
“I love you, and I will always love you. I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused. I have to take responsibility for making us a better team and better partners for our children. I can’t do that as your husband. I will always do that as your partner in parenting and as a part of this family that will still be a family. The family requires us both at our best. We are not our best when I can’t be my best, and I feel like my best is just disintegrating trying to fill this hole you need and deserve. I don’t say that in (???) self-judgement but with a heart that truly loves us all, myself included. As I must love myself to be the parent they need and the co-parent you deserve.”
Is this… actual self-reflection? Is he genuinely putting the kids first? Did I mess up a rare shot at true reconciliation (or at least, stable housing) because I couldn’t do my own inner work? Now I’m stranded in this city which I can barely afford, and so worried that life will just be a long, humiliating struggle from here on out. I’m oscillating between extreme anxiety about the future, grief over the loss of our family, but also…relief?
Thanks for reading — I just wanted to write it out to process that this is really happening.
Sincerely,
Stranded
****
Dear Stranded,
OMG, I am reaching through the computer screen and slapping that skein of fuckupedness out your hands right now! STOP IT!
This is not “self-reflection. It’s terrorism.
As much as the Universal Bullshit Translator would like a snack of “I will always love you”, let’s first address the central horror in your letter.
He put in the effort, but eventually, he’s the one who decided he couldn’t take my anger, grief, and constant fighting and moved out. With the kids (I got them back). Without telling me. While I was on a work trip. On the other side of the planet. Two weeks before our lease was up. He just assumed I’d figure it out—after all, the kids could stay with him in his new place. It had a pool!
HE TOOK YOUR CHILDREN AND DIDN’T TELL YOU.
So, you come back from an international work trip to… an empty house?! And you don’t know where your children are? And you find this note later, which DOES NOT HAVE AN EXPLANATION OR ADDRESS?! As if, HOLY DARVO BATMAN, you are the bad guy? As if you’re the abuser who he must leave in secret?
Yet, you’re so mindfucked that you write to me asking if you MISSED A CHANCE with this monster? Bitchslap yourself!
HE IS AN ABUSER!
What he did was a deliberate act of terrorism to you and your children. It’s a total threat. “I can make Mommy disappear.” With the further mindfuck of “And it’s for your own good.” Also, it’s a threat to you. “I can make the children disappear. And you drove me to it.”
He put in the effort, but eventually, he’s the one who decided he couldn’t take my anger, grief, and constant fighting and moved out.
He couldn’t take the accountability.
Your anger and grief are NATURAL RESPONSES TO HIS SERIAL CHEATING. And if he was one of those rarified reconciliation unicorns, he’s supposed to accept your grief and help you work through it. Not feign reconciliation, wait until you’re out of town, and KIDNAP YOUR CHILDREN!
Stranded, I’m seriously frightened for you. Document this immediately with your attorney. I would argue that this stunt was NOT in the children’s best interest and given his control issues and emotional volatility, he should not be left alone with the kids. Please, reframe your situation. It’s not a breakdown of a man who can’t handle your anger. It’s coercive control from an abuser. You need to operate from that perspective in your custody proceedings.
Do not let him control the narrative.
He just assumed I’d figure it out—after all, the kids could stay with him in his new place. It had a pool!
Let’s try this ridiculous logic another way.
- I tied you to a chair to rob you, but I left cartoons on the TV.
- Your pension is missing, I assumed you’d figure out the embezzlement eventually when you retired.
- I assaulted you, but afterwards, I gave you an ice cream cone.
A swimming pool does not cancel out terrorizing your children. He left you no forwarding address. How exactly were you going to figure this out? Only he controls if he answers his phone or when he returns the children to you. How… unilateral. Just the way he likes it.
Tracy, I was promised a UBT!
Snark seems about as much of a non sequitur as a swimming pool about now.
Come on!
I think this guy needs an arrest warrant, not a Lebkuchen machine. But I’ll have to take comfort from ridicule until you’re legally free of this freak.
I Will Always Love You
“I love you, and I will always love you.
I will always control you.
Or try, unless the full boot of the law is on my neck.
I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused.
As evidenced by my kidnapping the children. Refusing accountability. And probably not paying your legal bills.
I have to take responsibility for making us a better team and better partners for our children.
Did I mention that my undisclosed address has a swimming pool?
I can’t do that as your husband.
Fact is, I don’t do much as a husband. That would require respecting my wife and keeping my dick in my pants. But with an untethered pecker, I promise to be a better partner for our children! So long as it doesn’t interfere the hours I spend at the pussy buffet.
Sorry. Thursday’s out. I double booked Monica and Becky.
I will always do that as your partner in parenting and as a part of this family that will still be a family.
Once a wife appliance always a wife appliance. #family
The family requires us both at our best.
I require an adult to raise our children. I’m certainly not it.
We are not our best when I can’t be my best, and I feel like my best is just disintegrating trying to fill this hole you need and deserve.
I spend a lot of time trying to fill holes. So many orifices, so little time.
I don’t say that in (???) self-judgement but with a heart that truly loves us all, myself included.
I love myself. And I never judge myself. You, however, are lacking. Work on that anger thing.
As I must love myself to be the parent they need and the co-parent you deserve.”
My selfishness has a higher purpose! I fuck around for US! Because you deserve it.
***
Stranded, you’ll be okay on the other side. I promise. Don’t spend another minute wondering about what motivates this freak. Put all that energy into getting free and being the only sane parent to your children. Big (((HUGS)) of support.
It’s the “disappearing with the kids” bit that really hits me the hardest. This is all about control and demonstrating that the power lies solely with the Cheater.
In the time before D-Day, Ex-Mrs LFTT had a habit of deliberately provoking arguments with me and then, when I reacted, flouncing off with our 3 kids to her mother’s place and going incommunicado for about a week …. and, without fail, when she eventually came back, she would maintain that I was the unreasonable one and that it was all my fault.
It took me a long time to understanding that this was all deliberate on her part and that the only way to deal with it was to “Grey Rock” her BS.
I hope that Stranded finds her way through this for herself and her kids.
LFTT
This is almost word for word my experience at the end. You don’t know it yet but his leaving will be the best thing that could have happened given the circumstances. He has shown you who he is over and over. It’s probably worse than you know. The pain is so high, your vulnerability as a mom of young kids and the economic impact can paralyze anyone. In my case, I also was blamed for not being able to forgive and forget to move on – my subconscious would not let me! It knew more than I would allow myself to see. It took awhile to heal and see the light but soon you will see, you are free! You will get 80% of your mental energy back because it’s not wasted wondering and worrying about what he is up to anymore. Your kids will grow up in a healthier environment with you and the difference between an honest parent and him will be night and day. No one can rush your healing but have faith much much brighter days await you. Sending you love and strength for you and your children. ❤️🩹
You make a great point here:
When I was trying to figure out what to do, I questioned my inner strength and doubted I would be able to pull off the single-mom gig. What I didn’t realize was: immediately post discovery, nearly all my energy was sucked away by pain, uncertainty, the need to know why and yearning to get my family back…I couldn’t imagine myself moving forward without him. IF I had accepted that he sucked, was an abuser and my task-at-hand was NOT analyzing the minutiae of a Cheater but was rather being a mighty mom, I would have done a lot better.
I got bogged down in WHY WHY WHY?? Because he wanted to and did, that is why – he chose it because he really did suck THAT much.
The letter is a weaseling-out of actual husbandhood using the excuse that if spared the pesky consequences of betrayal, he could be a great co-parent, but if you keep expressing your anger about the cheating, he will be a bad coparent and it will be your fault. What a shit sandwich.
You will gain a lot of superpowers when you get to the point where you seriously do not give a single fuck what he thinks or does (outside of the time he is parenting) but that takes time.
At risk of skein untangling, this writer sounds like a great wife appliance (like me) who married a person who was really never ever husband material from the start. He would have cheated on any woman he might have married. Some people really aren’t marriage material but try a facade marriage likely for social reasons.
Yes I became a shell shocked marriage police husk of a person during the false reconciliation trying to piece together timelines and evidence while FW continued to gaslight and steal that I was barely able to parent.
The thing is, Stranded, if you take him back, you’ve essentially told him that you accept his cheating, and he will only become more brazen about it. Right now, after you discovered his secret, he’s on the defensive, which is what this letter is–an attempt at defense, but one that casts you in the wrong. If you fall for his version of why your marriage failed, that the problem is you and your behavior, not him and his, then you have acquiesced to a new set point in your marriage, one that will empower him and his abuse tenfold.
I got letters from my ex that were as full of self-serving bullshit as the one your husband has sent you. Don’t fall for it. Remember that his number one priority is preserving his prerogative to do what he pleases. He did this originally by keeping his behavior a secret. Now that it’s out in the open, he’s attempting to do it though manipulating you (that’s what this letter of his is, an attempt at manipulation).
His promises are worth as much as those of an AI chatbot, which is to say they are worth nothing. Please don’t fall for them.
So good, Adelante! My ex did and said similar things as what you and Stranded described, including the “I will always love you.”
It’s all selfish, abusive manipulation.
He had been living in another state for over a year, “re-inventing” himself. Finally getting my head together, I had refused reconciliation, and of course, he blamed and gamed. Then he made a phone appointment with me to tell me “something important.” Yes, he wanted a divorce. I had to agree.
One of the things he said that hit me hard was, “I will always love you.” He said he had been crying for days. Well, I cried daily for months after he left, and then I started facing reality and making better choices for the future. He also claimed that he would never, ever date and remarry because he loved me SO much. Well, I knew the truth there.
He also PROMISED an easy divorce. That wasn’t true either. It went on and on, and then the same in closeout.
Trust that they suck. And there’s quite a playbook— so many common elements.
One of the best things about this blog is the posts from other commenters almost all showing similar behaviors and words, which reveals these FW come from the same NPD abuser mold and use the same playbook.
It destroys the unicorn BS one painful realization at a time so we can see the NC path to the truth and the light
“One of the best things about this blog is the posts from other commenters almost all showing similar behaviors and words, which reveals these FW come from the same NPD abuser mold and use the same playbook.”
I agree with this so much. I think the combo of Chumplady’s straightforward bits of wisdom, and the experiences that Chumps share are a lethal combination against that awful state of confusion and hopium that so many Chumps face immediately after D-Day. So many of us want to make excuses for our FW, or think that there is some deeper reason for it other than “nope, they just suck and will continue to suck”.
Seeing how little variety there are in our stories? Newbies come in and see what the obvious plays are. It also helps get us over the parts that stump us, one example would be, how many of the FWs cheated, made it clear thaey wanted to continue to cheat, yet dragged their feet on the divorce. A newly betrayed Chunp sees that and can’t help but think “oh, they don’t really want to go. If they did, they would have filed for divorce themselves by now.” NOPE! It doesn’t have to make sense to be true. These FWs routinely “leave” the marriage and leave the paperwork/initiation of the legal side to the Chump.
I agree. I had an older, very experienced attorney, and he would just nod at times and say, “I’ve seen this before, I know what to do.” I thought, oh? Yes, patterns. No wonder he knew!
I didn’t find Chumplady until I was newly divorced, and then it was AH-HA a hundred times over.
Ummm no! He isn’t expressing love, he’s setting you up. This is control. Love is a BEHAVIOUR. His actions are what you need to pay attention to. He’s essentially saying “You’d better behave with what I’m about to do.” Be prepared that once you put up a boundary and say NO, he will likely go nuts. Mine did, but he started out exactly like that. A letter expressing how he’d screwed up and how he’d always loved me, I gave him the best years of his life, blah blah. And when I didn’t comply with his way of doing things. Wham! I felt the full wrath of his control. Don’t for one minute believe that this is remorse and contrition. It’s control and he’s front footing it. Put your guard up and don’t fall for it. You’ve got this!
‘And when I didn’t comply with his way of doing things. Wham! I felt the full wrath of his control.’
This was me too! He became the victim and I was blamed because after nearly 30 years I wanted half of everything more out of fear about how I’d cope and I felt that would give me the best chance! It didn’t help that in his anger and determination to make me suffer, he delayed the divorce and meanwhile his mother died! Since we were still married, the settlement increased! Thankfully now I look back and I thank god that I didn’t have young children – my kids were adults and though in the early days, I got the ‘I’ll always love you’, actions speak louder than words! These days nearly 12 years on, I’m the sane parent and he, at 67! bounces around between any women who will pay him any attention. My now 3 year old granddaughter has no clue about her papa being a cheat and I share the same air in the same room as him for her sake on birthdays and holidays!! I see him now for exactly what and who he is!!
So, so true! It wasn’t until the mask dropped after I refused to just go along with my ex’s ideas about the disposition of marital property that I was able to understand that his “When we’re through the hard part I hope we can be friends” and “This is so hard! The only person who knows what it’s like to dissolve a marriage after so many years is you, and you’re the one person I can’t talk to!” was all meant to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted.
“was all meant to manipulate me into giving him what he wanted.”
Mine suggested we download a form off the web and file that way. He was incensed when I refused. The level to which he could have and would have screwed me over if I had agreed to that.?
“And when I didn’t comply with his way of doing things. Wham! I felt the full wrath of his control.”
Ditto, and it shocked the hell out of me. And not only me but everyone who did not support his “Devoted to the Mistress and Continuing to Use the Wife” agenda. Nobody was safe from the wrath of Dr. Delusional.
Thank you for sharing my letter, Chump Lady! For everyone concerned: I got the kids back that night after informing the police, but the mind-f*ckery surrounding the situation is even more convoluted:
Husband is the one who picked me up from the airport (with hugs and kisses) and proceeded to take me on a romantic dinner date so he could hear all about my trip uninterrupted. He then brought me home to the surprise of “Oh, the kids are staying at the hotel with my dad…which actually isn’t a hotel like I told you, but my new apartment…because a week ago I decided reconciliation wasn’t working anymore and this was my chance to escape, bye!” He thought this would be a good move in case the news triggered an emotional breakdown (it did, for about five minutes), but then refused to bring me to the kids or disclose their whereabouts, trusting that after years of life-altering lies and deception (including keeping up the charade of normalcy and affair recovery work while I was on my trip) I would be assured by his promise that I would “see them in the morning” (after making a scene and crying myself to sleep on my own, presumably).
The lies he “had” to maintain while I was gone included continuing to plan for a romantic couple’s trip on our upcoming D-Day anniversary, and saying he was finally ready for a third baby, something I had pined for for years—that, of all lies, was so deeply unnecessary and cruel. Oh, and he lied that he had actually signed the lease for our new apartment—I had to learn that one from the landlord. What he thought I would just “figure out” is securing housing, packing, and moving all the furniture with two week’s notice, and with a fraction of the income I had while married.
Months of books, podcasts, individual and couple’s therapy, and the basic idea that it’s wrong to lie to your partner or make life-altering decisions on their behalf, without their input or knowledge, just never sank in.
He’s diabolical.
Obviously, the most concerning is that he took the kids and wouldn’t disclose their whereabouts. So glad you got them back quickly.
But the other really scary part is how he acted so normal when he picked you up. Greetings of hugs and kisses at the airpot, then a dinner together…all while he knew the next step was dropping you at the apartment your kids were missing from that he had already moved out of. That is so creepy and just bizarre.
Stay safe.
You are still with him..I’m even more sorry
Stranded,
As the saying goes around here, “You have nothing to work with.”
NPD don’t want to truly learn nor improve nor change. It’s not about why can’t he learn relationship skills that’s RIC crap. He’s perfectly fine being the gaslighting manipulator that’s WHO HE IS
Stranded – as FYI says this man is highly disordered, like full-on wacko. Get as much support as you can from DV services, a lawyer, tell your friends and family and the children’s school what is going on. Tell everybody! Church, neighbors, anyone you can think of who can help you out either long term or at a moment’s notice. You don’t have to word vomit on anyone, just let them know that you have concerns for yourself and your children and that hopefully you will never have to trouble anyone. So much heartache could be averted if your community has your back. Not that that’s any guarantee but OMG a man who would take your children from your home and hide them from you would certainly do the same from a school pickup or at a playground. I’m so sorry you are going through this.
A friend of mine in graduate school was lucky enough when her husband cheated that her supervising professor stepped in to give her the money for a lawyer. So Stranded shouldn’t forget that her dissertation committee and department might also be a source of support.
PS – it just occurs to me that you want to be careful exactly what you tell to others because you don’t want to be accused of slander by your STBX or his lawyer/s. Check with your own counsel as to what you can say to protect yourself and your children.
I am so, so glad you called the police, for many reasons but primarily to keep your kids safe and to document that he did this. My children were both in college when I returned home from a trip and found that my X had secretly packed all his things and moved out, and I just want to attest to the brutality of such a moment — it is intentional cruelty.
My X had carefully left me an arrangement of my favorite flowers (which he hated; he said he was allergic to them) and a bottle of my favorite wine, with my favorite snacks and other food in the fridge. Which was quite a mind-bender for me — I never knew he noticed these were my favorites because he never bought any of them for me while we were together, in fact he often just bought cheaper versions and I thought that was because he was too distracted to notice my preferences. Having the flowers, wine, snacks and everything arranged also gave me false hope that he still cared about me — perhaps he was just having a midlife crisis, etc. (I had no idea at that moment that he’d been cheating.)
Reading your story is horrifying and makes me thankful my kids were safely out of my X’s reach when he staged this elaborate impression management in our half-empty house. At the time I thought he was showing he cared about me, but now I realize he was hoping I would paper over his abandonment and tell other people he was still a good person, we would still be friends, etc. Which I did not.
My X also sent me a weird breakup email (after 20+ years of marriage) that he couldn’t love me the way I deserved, and all the other clichés that you will find on this site if you spend any time paging through the archives or reading Tracy’s book, which was a huge eye-opener for me.
Two years later I am doing much better, and I trust you will be, too, with time. It is hard to realize we are not loved, but that reality helps in the very difficult task of detaching from someone we bonded with and committed to. It hurts, but it does get better. Stay no contact as much as you can because he sounds very manipulative. Your kids will be stronger in the long run, too.
“My X had carefully left me an arrangement of my favorite flowers [and] my favorite wine … ”
Breathtakingly cruel. Sheez-us.
Narcissistic abuse is a term way overused these days and often by people who ignorantly cast any relationship discord as such, but when people in the know speak of it, this is the sort of thing they are talking about. He is a grade A self-obsessed, manipulative, abusive narc, probably a malignant one, and an emotional terrorist like CL says. His terrorism comes with the fakest and creepiest of smiley faces on it. He is now the Smiley Face Killer to me.
None of the therapy, books etc. sank in because he is not an ordinary human in his own blinkered mind. He is incredibly special and above everyone else. The rules which apply to humans do not apply to supermen.
Do whatever you need to do to get him gone from your life as much as humanly possible. The process is going to suck, because he is going to make it as difficult as he can for you to move on. He can’t bear the thought of you not being in his thrall. Hence the ludicrous hoovering.
Eventually, if you stick to your guns, he will have to give up, and at that point he may lose all interest in this pretense of wanting to be a family.
What you’re describing is emotional torture. Your STBX is a sick SOB. I hope you know that now and are not still wondering if you missed your chance at reconciliation. Brava for calling the cops.
I know money is tight, but please do talk to a lawyer (your STBX won’t do this quietly) AND some kind of domestic violence service so you can be fully prepared for what he may do. Seriously, forearm yourself against this dude. He’s a nutjob.
Just be really nice to yourself- you have withstood a terrible amount of abuse, you are understandably going to need a lot of healing – and get a lawyer and a therapist and go as grey rock or no contact as much as you can. You will be free and your physical and mental health will return. Keep coming here. And do let us know. This update is horrifying. Your soon to be ex is a monster.I am so sorry but mine was too, I’m working on my shame at having been with him for so long. You are in the right place.
Strength in the face of adversity. I admire you so much. Totally understand. They are all just so messed up. What a waste of oxygen. Stay strong!
Cheaters share a universal trait — to obfuscate their brokenness with an attempt at a deeper meaning to their infidelity. This often looks like an inability to take any accountability (which it is, of course). But it’s like the dumbest person in the room trying to wax poetic philosophical ideals. Tracy has a great description of these people: they are shallow puddles. Some of them don’t have any self awareness of this; others realize this but can’t accept that they are such losers; sometimes, after hitting rock bottom, they might begin to realize some of their vapidness.
At the end of the day, they are immensely selfish and entitled. No one else in the world matters more than them. They believe they are special.
Run, with a great lawyer in tow, to a life not weighed down by the gravity of this depravity.
You don’t deserve any of this horror, in spite of his best efforts to blame you. We’re all sorry that you are a member of this club, but you have found the right place to move on with your life, a life that will always carry a deeper meaning for you and your children than one with this disordered, selfish, entitled person.
Perfect response. ITA.
While I was still reeling from discovering what a cheating, deceitful, secret double life juggling POS my now ex of 30 years actually was, he said the same things, “I will always love you. Even though I can’t be a married man right now, you will always be my only valentine. Oh, and probably my soulmate, too.” I had already found Chumplady at that point and channeled my own UBT to untangle his word salad, but it still hurt like hell. This was before complete no contact and he knew what to say that cause me to question my decisions to make him experience consequences for his horrific behavior. I’m not sure how I responded, but at least it didn’t make me stop the divorce. The damage they inflict is just so sad. What a cruel way to treat someone who’s your “one and only true valentine”. Sheesh.
“…you will always be my only valentine. Oh, and probably my soulmate, too.”
Never a barf bag around when you need one.
Those are the kinds of things that he knew I loved to hear but he always had an out option so he could later say, “I thought you were my soulmate but I was wrong.” Only this time he never got the chance to further gaslight/manipulate me cos I quietly went 100% no contact. That freaked him out. Oh well. I’m not “probably” no contact, I went full on NO ACCESS, not through me or my son. All doors closed and locked.
“Probably my soulmate?” If somebody is your soulmate, aren’t you supposed be sure? Isn’t that an essential part of being a soulmate, that you just know this is your person?
What a blithering idiot.
So I clarified it and repeated to him, “so this is how you treat your soulmate?” and hand to heart he said, “MAYBE soulmate, I didn’t say for sure”. How is that for twisting the knife after 30 yrs? How can one human be so cruel? I literally devoted my life to him and that was what I ended up with.
😂 😂 🤣 omg, missed that — “probably” my soul mate! 🤪
Yeah, read my response reply above, He made sure that it was a “maybe” not “definite”. And after 30 yrs. SMH. Asshole.
dear stranded,
you’ve been shafted and it hurts. getting over it takes the time it takes. in the meantime, keep busy with helpful activities like exercise + health initiatives + taking good care of the kids. see a therapist.
i noticed that i didn’t make a lot of strides until i realized that the X was not capable of much because he has no empathy. this meant there never was true love or intimacy. he was play acting. i loved him but was confused.
so, whenever the X would say or do something i’d repeat to myself, he’s not capable of what normal people are capable of. he’s damaged. this helped.
narcissists are manipulative by nature and most everything he’s doing is manipulative, so be guarded. he will not make a divorce easy. there will be further lying and cheating tactics. just stay the course and consult with your lawyer. the best answer to his requests/demands outside of the kids?
good luck!
#damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
Taking children like that is horrid. Recently two little girls were killed by their homeless father after the mother was forced to let them go visit him in a freaking car.
My first concern is the safety of your “very small children,” and his remark that his apartment has a pool. My ex said the same thing. He’d never taken our child to the HOA pool on his own, so I doubted he’d do so at his apartment, which did not have lifeguards. Your lawyer can file a motion that the children are not left without personal adult supervision.
Moving your kids while you, their mom, was away must have distressed them. Ask your attorney and agencies for domestic violence and child abuse agencies for the names of therapists skilled with small children and abusive/neglectful parents. Get your kids, however small, into therapy. Try to find a therapist who is willing to testify in divorce cases (many will not). If the therapist determines that cheater’s behavior was detrimental to the children, that will help your lawyer make the case that any parenting time cheater has should be supervised, or better yet, therapeutic supervised visitation, which means that the supervisor is a licensed clinician. And ask that HE pay for all visitation, since he cause the trauma and had you move under false pretenses.
At this point he should have to tell you where he’s moved. As their parent you have the right to know where they are. (I’m sure that in court, he’ll say he would have told you if/when you called.) He may have used the two weeks to convince the kids of some narrative he wants to spin.
You aren’t stranded, even though you feel that way. You’re the captain, you’ve completed one phenomenal position, and can find another job.
Since he knew you took a short-term position in the expensive city, ask your lawyer if you are allowed to move back with the kids.
You’ve managed mothering, two moves, a prestige position and a doctoral dissertation while he was… cheating?
BTW, you may be able to change the dedication on request, especially if you haven’t received your degree yet. Check with the office that handles dissertations at your university ASAP.
Best of luck. You’ve accomplished so much. You can successfully manage this, too.
(Back from vacation. Let’s get it!)
No.
No this is not genuine self-reflection. This is a conciliatory measure hoping you will not kick his ass in court. Where was this BEFORE his dick wandered, I don’t know, it sounds like four times ago(more?)
My suggested solution: Kick his ass in court.
Taking your kids without your foreknowledge to the other side of the planet (was just there-it’s too hot and humid!) is not a good look at all. Bet the judge is going to LOVE that.
I am very glad that you filed. You go! We’ll see how his schmoopies are when you aren’t in the picture to carry his emotional baggage.
My personal fuckwit (coming up on two years ago) did a similar level of verbal spew on D-Day…pretty much point for point sans the bit about kids-faux remorse, “just enough insight”, etc. Within 2 weeks she had run pretty much all of it back one way or another. And quite frankly ramped up the verbal abuse and mind games. Looking back on it I am pretty sure she cribbed it from some “how to break up with somebody” website. It was very disingenuous-and yours is no different.
WOW. This is … frightening. Truly frightening.
“He put in the effort” after you discovered that he was cheating for your entire relationship, including when dating? What effort? Did he stop cheating? Did he go to therapy? He put in the effort to kidnap your children. He planned that, over several weeks at least. And he very likely has a woman in the wings to do all the wife-appliance things.
I’m scared for this LW. That’s all I can say.
This skein only untangles in the direction of “He belongs in jail.”
I’m not sure whether to take the “other side of the planet” thing literally– as in this FW crossed international borders with children without Stranded’s consent? Even if he managed to take the children to one of the countries that doesn’t require a Child Travel Consent document from the non-traveling parent or proof of sole custody, I believe it’s still considered child abduction if the other custodial parent didn’t agree to it and there’s no statute of limitation on child abduction.
It’s likely Stranded could still make a criminal report and, if the state she’s in is starting to adopt a legal understanding of coercive control, the “catch and release” tactic of stealing the kids and then “allowing” them to return might be understood within that framework. I’m not a lawyer but I think this could also include crossing state lines.
If that complaint could be made, I sense Stranded might eventually regret pulling that punch because CL nailed it that taking the kids without warning to the other side of the world was a deliberate and balls-out act of domestic terrorism and clearly preface the nature of the post-separation abuse this FW will engage in down the line– namely weaponizing the children and weaponizing child custody. Even if the FW manages to wriggle out of severe legal consequences this time, filing a criminal complaint could alert the system that he’s likely to try it again if given unsupervised visitation.
It was also clearly done in rage and to cause shock and horror. And if he could do this, then it’s guaranteed he’d been engaging in acts of coercion and control all along and similarly mislabeling them, probably by pretending there was a harmless and explicable motive within the framework of blameshifting. Also, if he’s capable of such a monumental act of sadism, the skein untangles in the direction of predicting he’s capable of doing worse.
But the thing with most abusers’ “intentions” is that their tendency to abuse, coerce, intimidate and control becomes so practiced and rote that it no longer requires thought much less conscious intention. This provides them with the perfect luxury of controlling others through terror, pain and punishment while not only pretending innocence but feeling innocent.
That’s another skein that only untangles in a very dark direction since that level of rationalization and radical compartmentalization– something called “neutralization” in forensic psychology (search the paper Denying the Darkness: Exploring the Discourses of Neutralization of Bundy, Gacy and Dahmer)– is found in a range of serial offenders, including– oops– serial batterers and serial killers.
How’s that for a terrifying skein? Theoretically, neutralization is not only to shield perpetrators from a sense of negative stigma for past offenses but also to pave the way to repeat the offense so is therefore predictive of future offenses. When I worked in advocacy for domestic abuse survivors, we likened the neutralization mechanism to one of those magnetic security tag removers used by shoplifters. Neither are easily acquired and both are very weird things to carry around so that no normal person becomes skilled at using the neutralization guilt-reduction strategy just like no one but a habitual criminal wanders into a shop carrying a magnetic tag remover.
Personally, I think it’s part of the reason that rape victims almost universally feel “guilty” of and tainted by the acts done to them: It’s the contagious effect of perpetrators’ deeply held delusion that what they are doing is harmless and/or that victims brought it on themselves.
In short, being faced with a perpetrator who is so thoroughly convinced that they’re justified in committing heinous acts can be spellbinding. And if the guilt does not fall on the perpetrator, then by deduction it must fall upon the victims. In any case, I think that’s exactly what that letter was about– blameshifting as a neutralization and spellbinding strategy– and suspect the reason Stranded didn’t go to the police immediately is because she’s been frog-boiled by spellbinding blameshifting for years. But it may be time to break that “spell” for safety reasons. This FW seems really dangerous.
She did go to the police as soon as she discovered what he’d done. Very mighty! She has a follow-up post.
He took them to his new apartment and didn’t tell her. Or the kids actually (if you read her reply up thread.) *She* was overseas on the work trip. That’s when he acted. But yes to the rest. Dude’s a super creep.
Oh thanks, I misconstrued. That tends to happen when I’m seeing red.
The Supreme Court describes removal of custody as the “family court equivalent of the death penalty” because of the catastrophic impact. In that sense, the FW waved a metaphoric gun at Stranded’s head and the children’s heads to hint what he was capable of while the letter was meant to distract from the intentional menacing. But word and gesture align if you swap the word “love” for “control” or “punish,” reverse every claim of good intentions and add “or else” at the end of every sentence.
👍🏽 Loved your opening sentence: “This skein only untangles in the direction of ‘He belongs in jail.'”
Isn’t it just insane the things we blame ourselves for because we’re so conditioned to do it? Stranded, with time you will see this for what it is, ABUSE. Like Tracy said, this man is incredibly abusive and he has you blaming yourself for it. RUN. Lawyer up and RUN.
Stranded, you are stronger than you know. You’ve already shown incredible bravery and you’ve taken a huge step by filing. Way to go. You are the sane parent. You aren’t to blame for any of this. He is a calculating, manipulative cheater of the highest (or is it lowest?) order.
My FW said exactly the same thing on the day he blindsided me with accusations that our marriage had been on the rocks for years. The reason, he informed me, was that I had been a bad romantic partner. He said he had no intention of divorcing me, but our relationship “had to change.” He said, “I’ll always love you. We’ll always be a family.” After 1.5 years of pick-me dancing, I Nancy Drewed my way to the truth. Confronted with the evidence of his long term affair, he bullied me to keep it all a secret. He said, “This is between us. This is about our relationship. You’re vindictive. You just want me to have consequences.”
I insisted we tell our adult children and I made him move out. He kept trying to hoover me but I went as no-contact as possible.
This all went down eight months ago. I filed for divorce a few weeks ago.
Keep posting in Chumplady’s forums and read her book/blog. We’ve all got your back and there is so much support and valuable advice here. Sending hugs.
Stranded, I got the whole love of my life speech and even several expensive trips to entice me to forget and forgive.
My divorce involved police visits, protection orders, lots of FW self pity and rage channels and guess what? Continued marital asset theft as well as lying through the process and he is a s*’_$type father even on the limited times he’s got custody.
It’s ALL MANIPULATION and lies to keep you looking up while he fatally stabs you in the liver
Behavior is a language, and is the primary language to pay attention to. LOVE is a verb. Actions. If the words do not match the behavior, they are meaningless subtitles which can confuse and obfuscate.
Here is what Emmet Fox, a wise spiritual teacher, said about love:
“WHAT IS YOUR ACT?
People are to be judged by their actions. We sometimes hear it said, “His conduct is bad but at heart he means well”; but this is nonsense. In the old-fashioned phrase, “handsome is as handsome does.”
The bad-tempered person cannot possibly have “a heart of gold” as is sometimes charitably said. A bad-tempered person has a mean, selfish heart and should get busy and change it without delay.
One who loves does not seek his own advantage. Love acts the part, and anything else is hypocrisy.”
– Around the Year with Emmet Fox
(June 3)
Lying, cheating, deception, defrauding, betrayal, intentionally doing things that hurt people, proves an individual’s inability to love.
If you saw someone pulling the wings off of a butterfly, would you believe they were a loving person? Not me.
The cheater and their side pieces, who emotionally and psychologically batter and defend it in the name of love, are confused, unclear on the concept, and stunningly delusional.
Don’t you be.
❤️
As they say in nursing school, “Love has legs.”
COERCION and manipulation are key factors in our brain washing. WE DONT EVEN KNOW ITS HAPPENING
.and we are believing solid lies dresser as truth. We let them take kids thinking they CARE, we listen to the smooth words that sound so moving but they are all a masked man at a costume party. I know because for 30 years my now X could make me believe he loved me and our family all the while living a double life, using my kind heart to his benefit. Please put your hands over your ears and get legal and get busy. He is not your friend, he is dangerous. No contact and lawyer up. I’m sorry!!