UBT: I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die

Dear Chump Lady,

It’s nearly one year to the day since ex walked out on me and our two kids into the arms of the OW. (Although it took five days before I discovered their ugly affair through our cell phone records). He sent the following to me about a month ago.

I just had to share this very rare glimpse into the mind of a flaming narcissist. How I spent 22 years married to this man I’ll never know. He was so good at convincing me of my flaws that I still struggle to see any worth in myself.

Been up all night thinking. Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right. So I am just going to write whatever. I didn’t really mean to screw up your life. I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you. I don’t know who I am, but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them. I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you. Please give them a better life than I was able to. At best I was a good provider. Not much else. I’ll continue to provide the best I can. I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess. I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore. I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come. It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar. My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam. It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person. This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology. I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response. I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.

Can you UBT?

Dumped Chump

Dear DC,

Wow. Is anything more narcissistic than bragging about your humility? You just gotta love sad sausage self-flaggelation. Woe! No one feels worse about all this than ME, so don’t even TRY. Have you stopped trying? Great.

Geez, the manipulation channel is firmly set to self-pity with this one. It tends to work on chumps, with their achilles kindness. All the cheater has to do is bleat on about their shittiness, and the chump is there handing them tissues. Gosh, no! You aren’t a terrible, ugly person! You have worth! And a pretty smile! Here’s a fistful of kibbles!

Annnnd we’re right back to cheater centrality again. Which is where all the kibbles belong.

Anyway, I have awoken the UBT from its autumn nap. Here you go.

Been up all night thinking.

Sat on the toilet and composed this in five minutes.

Trying to say something to you for a while and nothing sounds right.

I can’t polish “I ran out on my wife and two kids for a fuckbuddy.” So I thought instead, I would demonstrate my apologies by telling you I’m Not a Bad Person.

#yourewelcome

So I am just going to write whatever.

Like those proverbial monkeys trapped in rooms with typewriters, consider this your opus.

I didn’t really mean to screw up your life.

I wasn’t really considering you at all.

It’s like at one of those keg parties, where after a few too many, I barf on your sofa. OMG, who put that sofa there?!  Barf happens.

I’m so sorry for everything that I did and said to you.

Everything should just cover it, right? Lacking in specificity shows I care.

I don’t know who I am,

Have you seen me? Maybe we should put out an Amber Alert? Or flashing highway signs? MISSING: MIDDLE-AGED FUCKWIT, SOUL PATCH, GUT, INAPPROPRIATELY AGED GIRLFRIEND.

but I do know I have two amazing kids and I love them.

Because the State reminds me to every month. I’ve got a coupon book and everything.

I LOVE them unconditionally and it is because of you.

“Unconditional love” is walking out on their mother. That was because of you.

Please give them a better life than I was able to.

Please do all the adult-ing. I don’t adult well.

At best I was a good provider. Not much else.

I use all my coupons!

I’ll continue to provide the best I can.

Or the State will take my driver’s license.

I’ve never been good at expressing myself. You know that. I don’t know if what I am saying will help your anger but it doesn’t matter I guess.

I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.

I try help. WORD! I make sad monkey face. WORD! wordwordword.

Why you angry? Not matter I guess.

I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing. What i have become. I don’t think I can ever make you whole or come close to repairing anything anymore.

I gave this some thought, while on the toilet, and decided there’s no point in trying to repair anything, because…. effort.

I’ve made my choices and I live with the consequences. Sorry just isn’t enough and the things you seek, decency, peace, understanding may never come.

Who knows the ways of Decency? It’s like the Great Pumpkin. Wait in your frozen fields of gourds for my return!

It’s not that I am a bad person. I’m flawed and I hurt you deeply. So deep you will always have the scar.

Please wear my scar! Some men give brooches, I give scars! I’m not a bad person, I’m just flawed at gift giving.

#kibbles #yourpainexcitesme

My actions have defined me in so many ways. You will never understand and I can’t explain. Please listen to the song nothingman by Pearl Jam.

You are weak and can never understand the pathos of a 90s Seattle grunge band.

Please listen to the deep lyrics of And he who forgets…will be destined to remember…oh…oh…oh…Nothingman…

It’s DESTINY. #Icantexplain #needsmorecowbell

It does a better job explaining where I am. I’m sorry I was a terrible husband. A horrible father. A shitty friend. A terrible ugly person.

Feel free to stop me at any time…. Loser. Half-wit. Couldn’t get it up with a hydraulic crane…

Um, really jump in! Scoundrel! Idiot! As much fortitude as a Trump toupee in a wind tunnel…

This is probably the best you will get from me as an apology.

Takeaways: I’m not bad, I forget who I am, I exult in your scars. #thebestyouget

I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.

Like those schizophrenics shouting about the radio transmissions in their dental fillings. I needed to say something.

I’m a broken empty person searching for meaning and happiness before I die. I want to be different and be something else but I’m a nothingman.

Do you have a scar? I MAY DIE UNHAPPY!

#nothingman

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Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

This guy is not a “nothingman” (whatever the hell that means). This guy should NEVER use the word “man” in reference to himself in any way/shape/form. No real man (or woman) cheats on his partner, walks out on his family, or abdicates his adult responsibilities.

Beenthere
Beenthere
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

No real woman does the same. Put her daughter my stepdaughter through college, send our youngest off to college and then say see you time to cheat. This line was the best “The kids don’t need us anymore” second best line “the girls will still love us and we can be a family”. Not sure where they get the audacity to claim this is a family while you run off with the maintenance guy at work and I work two full time jobs. Don’t matter male or female cheaters are the most awful of all.

Stephanie
Stephanie
6 years ago
Reply to  Beenthere

“They/you don’t need me any more!” is straight out of the handbook. I heard it, too.

It’s an absolute abdication of any responsibility to be a stable and honorable role model to your adult children, whom cheaters put through emotional hell when they walk out on their families.

I just had dinner with a guy whose wife has been cheating throughout their relationship, mostly with women, and otherwise abusing/controlling him. He finally had enough. His own father was a cheater who announced that he was leaving when my friend was in college. Just for good measure, he declared, “I never loved your mother.” My friend had a near breakdown at this assault to his identity. Who was this man who had been his childhood hero and role model? Whom would he pattern himself after now? Surely not his own father! I am MOST certain that my children each had the same identity crisis in one form or another. But! The cheater is off to another life, and that is that.

Be the sane parent. It’s not easy, when your ex spouse does their level best to drive you INSANE. But it is a deep and gratifying satisfaction that walk-away cheater parents will never know. How sad for them that they are ruled by fleeting impulses, always chasing happiness, never really understanding what it is, where it comes from, what it means, what it actually FEELS like.

Hang in there, dear. It gets so much better once the crazy and its lingering odor have left your life.

K
K
6 years ago
Reply to  Stephanie

Well said!!

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago

First of all, how dare you besmirch Pearl Jam in this undignified manner? Sir, HOW DARE YOU? ::takes off glove, slaps his face with it::

But seriously. Not cool man. Not cool. Leave Eddie Vedder out of your bullshit.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Instead of Pearl Jam, this fuckwit should listen to AC/DC’s “Hell Ain’t a Bad Place to Be.”

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Anyone else seeing a FRIDAY CHALLENGE in song?!?

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
6 years ago

A ‘song’ related Friday would be good!
I have a story or two or three or…… 😉

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Had Enough, by Breaking Benjamin

To the narcs out there from us chumps (STBX, this has your name on it!):

“Milk it for all it’s worth
Make sure you get them first
The apple of your eye
The rotten core inside
We are all prisoners
Things couldn’t get much worse
I’ve had it up to here
You know your end is near
You had to have it all
Well, have you had enough?
You greedy little bastard, you will get what you deserve
When all is said and done
I will be the one
To leave you in your misery and hate what you’ve become.”

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

🙂 Love Breaking Benjamin Chickynot 🙂 Thanks for the reminder of this 🙂 Helps alot 🙂

notsure
notsure
6 years ago
Reply to  Hesatthecurb

Stabbing Westward’s “Save Yourself”

“Save Yourself”

I know your life is empty
And you hate to face this world alone
So you’re searching for an angel
Someone who can make you whole
I can not save you
I can’t even save myself
So just save yourself

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  notsure

“This song goes out to all you lonely cheaters out there who have a bad case of the Sadz on this dreary, cold, lonely evening…..”

Motley Crue’s “Don’t Go Away Mad….Just Go Away”

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago

How about “God Will” by Lyle Lovett? He asks, who keeps on trusting you when you’ve been cheating, lying, messing around?

God does
But I don’t
God will
But I won’t
And that’s the difference
Between God and me

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
6 years ago

Old school Gloria Estefan: “Go Away”
“Go away,
Why don’t you just go away,
Live your life,
Just live it real far away.”

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
6 years ago

oh, yes! thank you, superduperchump!

Emily369
Emily369
6 years ago

Al Wilson’s “The Snake”

It’s mentioned in the archives.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Emily369

Twisted Sister: “Burn in Hell”

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
6 years ago

The narcissists in my life make me think of “One” by U2. These are just a few of the gems:

– Did I ask too much? More than a lot. You give me nothing, now it’s all I’ve got.

– You act like you never had love, and you want me to go without

– Love is a temple, love the higher law. You ask me to enter, but then you make me crawl

– I can’t be holding on to what you’ve got, when all you’ve got is hurt

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

My wedding ring said “we are one but we are not the same”. That was extremely important to me: the fact that we chose to behave as one unit, but we were different people with different wishes, ideas, beliefs. I didn’t make the mistake of thinking that One was a happy love song, as some people seem to think. But I never thought I was going to be killed by the same death that was hurting the voice singing that song.

Michelle
Michelle
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

U2 has so many great songs but, one that’s always held a special (dark) place in my heart, So Cruel. Mostly for the line-
We’re cut adrift but, still floating
I’m only hanging on to watch you go down, my love

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Michelle

So Cruel is such a fantastic song, for the “dark place in my heart” absolutely.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

The day I reached “Meh”….U2’s “Beautiful Day” came to mind.

“It’s a beautiful day, don’t let it slip away…..”

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago

Awesome! Songs are anthems for phases on our lives.

During the months around my separation, I kept hearing the Beatles’s “Here Comes the Sun” wherever I’d go. Talk about an old song randomly appearing in my life! I haven’t heard it in the year(+) since then.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
6 years ago

TAKE A BOW by Rihanna:

“Don’t tell me you’re sorry ’cause you’re not. Baby when I know you’re only sorry you got caught!”

(Closest thing I got to an apology from my cheater however was “I’m sorry you have hard feelings!” Yeah, “hard feelings” seems like the appropriate descriptor for how I’ve interpretted and reacted to the aftermath of his destruction of our quarter century relationship and implosion of our family all to be replaced by his twenty-something ho-worker…insert “Trust they suck” here please as I’m losing my sanity over the blatant lack of respect, remorse, and accountability.

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
6 years ago

My Anthem – by Jill Scott – Hate on Me

If I could give you the world
On a silver platter
Would even matter? You’d still be mad at me
If I can find in all this a dozen roses
Which I would give to you, you’d still be miserable
In reality I’m gon’ be who I be
And I don’t feel no faults for all the lies that you bought
You can try as you may bring me down when I say
That it ain’t up to you, go on do what you do

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago
Reply to  2nd Gen Chump

That’s one of my all-time favorite songs for those beautiful lyrics. Funny, I haven’t listened since my breakup. You’re so right though… it fits them so perfectly.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago

If you haven’t already, listen to Mary J. Blige’s version with Bono. I love the original, but, wow… Mary kills it.

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
6 years ago
Reply to  kaycan

OMG!!! Thank you so much! This is my first time hearing it and I’ve got tears in my eyes. Love me some MJB. Thanks again Kaycan!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

“God’s gonna cut you down….”~~Johnny Cash

“….as soon as I could see clearly through my big, black eye, I lit up your world like the 4th of July.”~~Toby Keith

“…Long nights with the world sitting on my chest, it just showed me how much I could take.”~~Montgomery Gentry

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

I Will Survive!

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago

I would take this song over the last (un-requested song) XH uploaded to my i-tunes:

“Does he love you, like he loves me.” – Reba McEntire

I like Reba, but never purchased or expressed a wish to own her music. I guess this was his FU to me (or Schmoopie’s). Anyway, the music video has an interesting end, I guess they never watched, but as a “loser” in the pick-me-dance I rather enjoyed. 🙂

Hopeful
Hopeful
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Yes!!! If he felt so connected to EV he should have channeled The Fixer!

Hopeful
Hopeful
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Just want to add:

“When asked about “Nothingman” in an interview, Vedder stated, ‘The idea is about if you love someone and they love you, don’t fuck up…’cause you are left with less than nothing.'”

So, yeah. This guy needs to leave EV out of this. Monkeys obviously don’t understand.

FedUpChump
FedUpChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Hopeful

Yeah. I think “Better Man” would be a more appropriate song analogy.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago

He is so deep.
If only you would listen to Pearl Jam you will find the secret of me and write me back. We can talk about me and how sad I am. We can work toward forgiveness so I can call you, come over, eat leftovers and make sure you never forget me even for a minute. And to let you know how sincere I am I will bring the cowbell.
CL, this response is genius!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

That was one of my two favorite UBTisms this time too. 🙂

Though I do remember sending people songs instead of using my words to explain my complex feelings… In middle school…

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Exactly! LadyLiar is forever 10 years old…a 5th grade loser who hopes some day she can sit at the cool kids’ table in high school, but ends up getting expelled for having drugs in her backpack instead…

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

hahahahahaha! It is so middle school isn’t it? Ha ha! There are so many days that I truly wonder if these kinds of people ever mature into adults or if it’s just middle school for the rest of their sad little lives.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Right, Amiiisfree?!? Maybe he should’ve made her a mix tape instead of this mush.

Richard B
Richard B
6 years ago

Choked on “because . . . effort” lol

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Richard B

+1.
I take it the whisky and cloves worked, Chump Lady and Mr Chumplady. This column is brilliant, I would have fallen for a letter like that, thank goodness you fired up the UBT.

BetterEveryDay
BetterEveryDay
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Me too kiwi chump. It’s that “Achilles kindness”.

Loved this UBT. CL you crack me up.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Richard B

Me, too, Richard! Laughing until the tears run down my legs, CL. THIS. IS. EPIC.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Richard B

Hah! That’s when I laughed too. Ah!! Effort! The key word….

I never cease to marvel at CL’s ability to nail a precise diagnosis with key words.

Strad
Strad
6 years ago

He says “I honestly don’t know what dream I am chasing”. I can hear Chump Nation shouting in unison:
KIBBLES

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Strad

LOL! Count my voice! KIBBLES., KIBBLES, KIBBLES.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Yes!
More hooks in this letter than a pimp dadfdy on 42d St in 1970.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

“The Deuce” reference duly noted

DeAun
DeAun
6 years ago

How many times did this man use the word “I ” in his soliloquy? “I have 2 amazing kids” “I don’t know if I can make you whole” I, I, I, I, when I read this that is glaring at me. He needed to tell you how he felt, how he is hurting. You on the other hand are the stage hand in the drama that is his life.
My ex sent almost the exact thing to me. In one text (he was sending from his high profile job) he told me “I don’t know if I destroyed your life but I know I destroyed mine. My life is over.” So I told him I was going to call 911, he sounded suicidal. I got an immediate response that he was fine, just sad. Haha

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

Yup. He’s ugly; his ‘I’s are too close together.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

GAH! I almost forgot!

I also got
X: “I’m dying.”.
Me: No response
X “I have prostate cancer like my brother”
Me: No response
X: “My numbers are sky high! Also my heart and liver are in bad shape!”
Me: No response
X: “Looks like my numbers aren’t so bad”
Me: No response
X:”Life isn’t worth living without you! You’re my best friend”
Me: No response …. BLOCK

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Born Free

Amazon Prime could deliver a rope in 48 hours.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

TEMPEST,
I am late reading and you just woke me right up.
I love it when you come out with a real “killer”
You rock girl.
I just love you!

Sleep well!

Tahitibound
Tahitibound
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

OMG Tempest that is hilarious!!! Amazon prime, free shipping!

DrFormerChump
DrFormerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Hahahaha! Ordinarily I would never laugh at what would appear to be someone’s despair, but in this case, there are no lols big enough!!

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

I’ve a phone full of these pity-party texts. Followed the next week by rage channel.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

“You…are the stagehand in the drama that is his life.”

Spot on. I have used the one actor stage play analogy so many times myself because it really is entirely accurate. Props (important people), audience (less important people), acting, drama, spotlight, presentation of a fictitious personage…are precisely how disordereds relate to the outside world. It’s their show and you’d better know your lines.

She once apologised to me, exactly as follows:

Star – (Silent pause for effect…about a minute, then speaks): “I want you to know, I really am very sorry for what I’ve done to you.”

Extra – (Incredulous, he challenges): “Really? Sorry for what exactly?”

Star – (Taken aback) “Well, for everything. For the lies…for torturing you…for the abuse…the drinking…(and so on as Star tries to recall the complaints the Extra made in Act One.)

Extra – “Is that it?”

Star – (Thinks briefly then replies, eyes cast downward indicating remorse:) “Yes”

Extra – “Um. You left out cheating. You have cheated on me numerous times”

Star – “Oh, well yes, and cheating.”

(But the critics raved nonetheless I’m sure, and all that’s left, as always, is to await the Tony Award)

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Mine said sorry for what it had happened. As if cheating were a natural event. An act of God. Not something he did. Repeatedly. Fucktard.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Talking specifics would bring up pain, only briefly.
I got the same, sorry for everything, when asked for what he said ‘ive told you before’
Nothing nothing to work with, pure crazy makimg bs.
For the disordered a conversation is a game of power, there will be no surrender.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

TKO, this is GREAT!! Her trying to remember what words a real adult might say at that kind of moment, looking to you for her cues and reminders …..

My ex, during one of his fishing expeditions to see if we could ‘try again’, said he was sorry. This time I didn’t spackle or inject more hopium. Instead I asked what he was sorry for. His response; ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us’.

Really? Really? Crap husband, mediocre father, occasional very convincing threats of violence, an affair, followed by promises NEVER to do that again, followed by another affair, followed by abandoning the kids less than a year after I kicked him out ….. And your apology is ‘I’m sorry things didn’t work out between us.’?

My jaw must have been on the floor.

The next time he tried the ‘I’m sorry’ line, I asked if that was all he was sorry for. He managed ‘I’m sorry I did things that drove you, a strong, smart woman, away from me.’ I answered ‘you forgot pretty and sexy’, and walked away.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

Yep, the whole thing reads “I am so fabulous that losing me must have destroyed you, poor fing.”

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  DeAun

Mine threatened to kill himself and did o d for attention, I found out three weeks afterwards when he told me, yeh thanks, cause I haven’t got enough on my plate without worrying if your dead somewhere and having to tell the kids and feel shit for the rest of my life. Anyways the last time he pulled ‘I’m going to kill myself stuff’ I said I would send police around for a welfare check, he stopped pronto.
Narcs go into a tail spin when nobody is paying them attention or the fan club folds. They can’t validate themselves so they do desperate things.
Yes and seriously I need NC, cracked the door and he’s trying to barge right in.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

NC is the Narcan to hopium overdose.
You can quote me on that.
It IS the key to freedom!

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
6 years ago

I liked when Sasquatch took over . WORD WORD WORD. I try help!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

And this was my other favorite UBTism today! “I don’t know why I use word things. I go “WORD, Word, WORD, blah, blah…” and you Angry Monster.”

Sorry, CL, but I may have to channel.this occasionally in business meetings (and interactions with inexperienced phone reps who start angrily shouting MA’AM to try to make me sound unreasonable when they don’t want to solve my problem because the talk time will F up their phone stats) from now on. 😉

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

Loved the translation but I could only dream of such a letter. Mine can manage about two sentences and it would be trying to blame me in some way. Pretty depressing.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I thought the same thing. Like, who gets these letters?? Not me, that’s for damn sure.
Mine left, wanted to be my best friend ( because….settlement) and now lives with the affair partner he swore he didn’t have and her kids. I’m the devil….for not giving them all out money and my blessing.#bitterbunny
He would never write me a letter like that.
Mine would say
“Dear Cunt,
Below are the reasons why you are awful and I am awesome.
I deserve to be happy and don’t feel one bit bad for cheating on you…..always.”
and the list would go on for volumes, and would somewhere make reference that I owed him an apology for being such a shitty wife that he had to cheat.
If I ever got a self serving letter like this I would think my ex got body snatched.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Got to live it when they ask for your blessing!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Same here, Paintwidow. If I had received a letter like today’s post, I would have fallen for it with gratitude. Thank goodness for CL and the UBT, because for a few seconds, I envied the recipient. smh…

Rae44
Rae44
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

I also fell for it until i saw the translation! Is there no hope for me??? #openyoureyesRae
My husband is definitely slowing down my healing process by keeping that mask on 24/7. Ive seen it slip and show his true colours 3 times in the last 4 months since dday, i need to remember that before the affair he was also a massive dickhead towards me and the kids!

Intothelight
Intothelight
6 years ago
Reply to  Rae44

Me too Rae. STBX just goes from chastising me for dropping the ball on one of my responsibilities to treating me like some degenerate to be avoided. Five months since DDay. My jaw would have dropped if I would have gotten this kind of note. When I read it, I felt sorry for the writer until I digested CL’s UBT version.

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow, I’m so sorry you had to deal with such a cruel and self-deluded cheater. His words must have hurt you badly. Still, from the perspective of someone who got a sack of love-bombing lies, I find the honesty refreshing. The naugahyde apologies just prolonged the pain and delayed the start of Gain a Life.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Meh, thank you for your kind response.
I am thankful I never got any sappy stuff to muddy my resolve.
He would of sent something awful and he would go into how he can’t understand why our grown kids don’t speak to him. Nothing to do at all with all that cheating and lying…must be something I said to them.
I know I should be thankful to have a cheater that just went ghost on me, it does speed the healing process I think.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Right there with ya, Paintwidow. My stbx couldn’t be bothered with even feigning remorse, he was just far too anxious to be with schmoopie so he could “be happy and thrive.” Sorry for your pain, the anguish is exquisite, no matter which type of cheater-brand you happen to have been duped by. Keep pressing on, and our hearts will one day catch up with our heads, and it’ll be Tuesday…that’s what I keep telling myself, anyway 😉

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Paintwidow–It’s all YOUR fault!! Kim Jong-Il is your fault! The arctic cap melting–your fault! Can’t be HIS fault that the children’ don’t speak to him! Jeez, didn’t you get the memo? (I’ll pass it on as I have an extra copy.)

anewwoman
anewwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

This is what I was thinking. I don’t want to give this guy any credit but I do wonder if my ex ever has those moments of “what did I do??”

Ceri
Ceri
6 years ago
Reply to  anewwoman

Nope..mine said to me that he was willing to forgive me for all that I had done lol.. Hmmm nursing him through gallbladder surgery gastric bypass and paying all the bills through his extra long “recoveries” while he was taking my money and sending it to schools and her kids to pay their bills! Btw he was willing tobforgive me and “start over” about 2 weeks after marrying “the love of his life his true soulmate!” Lol

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  anewwoman

No, responsibility is not in their Repetroire, they always look outside themselves and as controlling as the are, things just happen to them. So sad.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I got the same from my cheater EXCEPT that he never mentioned that he hurt ME. He instead “admits” that he broke his promise to the priest who married us. No matter my pain and what was done to break promises.

OTOH, sparkledick needed to convince the judge to unfreeze his assets so, to become a splendid man, he writes in his petition that it is “natural to have extraconjugal affairs”.

Just as JesssMom says, these idiots make us go around in circles of guilt and anger.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I’ve gotten this stuff from my STBX and, honestly, it just prolonged the mindfuck.

Initially, it was very confusing. I had to learn that the SOUND of remorse is far different than ACTUAL remorse. So, I hurled back and forth between guilt, depression, and anger until I finally realized that the words were completely hollow. They were simply a part of his image-management. The disordered are extremely adept at making themselves look like victims in order to protect their image, maintain kibble, and to diminish the pain of their real victims.

Now my STBX (an abuser who also lied and cheated throughout our 20+ year marriage) is portraying himself as a victim of a sad universe, which has led to him being coddled and sympathized with. This leaves me looking like a horrible person for being angry with him for what he’s done … because he’s such a sad, lost soul ..

So, while the words sound contrite and they sound as if they might be somewhat satisfying to hear … they really aren’t. In my case, the “sad, lost soul” routine has just added salt to the massive wound STBX has caused our family — damage he caused unilaterally and repeatedly (until he got caught, of course).

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jessmom YESSSSSS!!!

The self-pity channel is such a real thing. X used this the most in my marriage because it pushed my guilt button and voila! you had me. Living with and knowing your abuser well also helps you see through the bullshit. On the surface, this letter almost seems as if it would be so nice to receive – “X is finally realizing that marriage to me was a good thing. Our children are recognized. X admitted to doing a bad thing.” But after so much self pity throughout the entirety of my marriage, it all just becomes one big string of denial. They are in denial that there is a problem (them), they are in denial that they should take any responsibility for problem (their behavior) and they are in COMPLETE denial that they can do anything about it (modify behavior for better results). All they are doing is looking for kibble. Rage, self-pity and charm all evoke those, especially from chumps.

Menopausemommy
Menopausemommy
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I feel this same way. As I was reading the original post I felt like I was reading something from my soon to be stbx. And I didn’t even realize the manipulation until chump lady dissected it for us. I have a long way to go to fight all this bullshit I get thrown at me. Thanks for sharing!!!!

EMC
EMC
6 years ago
Reply to  Menopausemommy

For real, it almost seems like a sincere apology that pulls on your compassionate heart strings. My ex wrote me something extremely similar… honestly thought he had a moment of clarity. I think they “just want to say something,”to have you hurry up and move past it so that they can get on with their image and not let some minor mistake ‘define them.’

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  EMC

Mines says ‘my past doesnt define me’
Really I would disagree, it defines you character.
I think he means he will spin a load of bullshit to his next victim/ girlfriend about it all!
Whatevs

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Yep. As I mentioned earlier in the thread, this letter seems to me to use a bunch of words that this bumbling orator thinks SOUND remorseful when the message clearly says “I am so fabulous you must be devastated by losing me” with a chaser of “tell me again how fabulous I am”. Remorse looks like remorse rather than sounding like it.

A person who understood the gravity of what s/he had done would be far too humiliated for such a logorrheic display of pure self interest.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

amiisfree..new word for me love it

logorrheic; pathologically excessive and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of bipolar disorder.

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Wow – and here I thought that X just like to hear himself talk. And talk. And talk. And talk.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I’m so fabulous, that when I fuck up, I fuck up in fabulous ways! I’m not just a stupid loser, I’m a lost and broken soul! And you, you will never understand, because you are not sufficiently fabulous!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Love the UBT! My abusive STBX has vomited up gems like DumpedChump’s X did in his letter to her.

My general take on STBX’s sad sausage word salads (thanks to my CL and CN education!):

“My actions are obviously bad … (panic!) How to maintain my image when my actions are indefensible? Hmmmm …. I know … I’m a lost, sad soul! If I can get people to feel sorry for me, then I am REDEEMED and I’ll start getting kibbles again! And the icing on my cake — if my STBXW doesn’t feel sorry for me, she’ll look like a bitch!”

What’s the truth?

Even IF he is sad and lost, he KNEW right from wrong. He knew it is wrong to abuse, lie, cheat, steal, abandon, etc. He actively chose to do what he knew was wrong and hurtful to others. He did not give a rat’s ass. But, most importantly, he did absolutely nothing to stop the behavior or to fix the damage he had caused. (In my STBX’s case, he just kept adding to the damage …. ).

I’m an extremely forgiving and sympathetic person when someone takes accountability and really tries to do better when he/she knows better. I love a good redemption story! But, I’m a cold bitch with people who have no real, active remorse … like my STBX. I’ll give all of my kindness and sympathy to the people he’s hurt (… our children).

“Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.” — J.S. Mill, address at the University of St. Andrew (1867)

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

The victim to the circumstances he created – poor sausage. He’s supposed to feel bad when he stabs someone in the back, but unfortunately that feeling isn’t about feeling bad FOR the person he hurt. He simply feels the sads for himself.

The shitty thing about acutaully having empathy is those people who use it against you as a weapon. It’s like that line in The Green Mile “He killed them with their love.”

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

>>”The shitty thing about acutually having empathy is those people who use it against you as a weapon.”

This is very well stated.

In one rage, STBX told me that my integrity and empathy made it easy for him to get away with what he did.

I’m still trying to come to terms with the fact that people do this … and it’s much more common than I ever would have imagined.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Can I take a different side? CL and CN. Is there a letter that would be good enough? I mean this guy is saying a lot of things many of us would like to hear. Because some of us get nothing once they leave. So if someone is sincerely regretful, not that we’re looking for a reason to take them back. But isn’t it possible the person does feel like shit. Even for a moment.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I think his letter is about manipulation, not apologies. He is dealing with the consequences of his choices and he does NOT like it nor does he like to have a glimpse of the shitty person he is. This letter is sent to make Dumped Chump feel sorry for him. She is a reminder of how shitty he is so he is looking for her to make it better.

This letter is NOT about true remorse. And as CL said, this letter would be about the hurt spouse and children and actions would follow if it were.

I have numerous text messages from STBX very similar to this. And there was a period of time between when he left and when I found out about OW that they were frequent. Those text messages just confused me and had me trying to “help” him. You never have the whole truth with cheaters.

This is one of them that got to me. I was in the dark about OW, so it is a message with so many lies of omission that it is meanless now when I look back on it.

“I wish I was happy. There is no reason why I shouldn’t be except there is something wrong with me. I have a beautiful wife, wonderful kids, a decent job, a petting zoo. This is what is supposed to make you whole and happy. I am sorry for the hurt I have caused you and the kids. I am hurting bad. I cannot sleep. I have never felt this alone.”

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I get what everyone is saying. And I agree that its all about him. But with all situations, we don’t know how it is until we are there. And if I ever did something like this, I wouldn’t even begin to know how to fix it. We’ve all deal with different levels of fuckedupness from our cheaters, some have actually been remorseful, but are too deep into themselves to even see the damage done to others. We didn’t have kids either, so its just me that he hurt, atleast directly.

GetMeFree says “He is dealing with the consequences of his choices and he does NOT like it nor does he like to have a glimpse of the shitty person he is” – this is possibly true. That’s all I was saying, that what if someone is truly regretting all the bad decisions? We’re not looking to take them back. And reading all these responses, now I hope I don’t ever get a letter like this. Because I may actually respond. I’m weak, my heart is weak, its still broken. So even a cheap ass bandaid that will surely fall off will be a relief. Then the pain will all come back and all the progress over this year will be gone.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

“What if someone is truly regretting all the bad decisions?”

Then, like CL said, actions! Generous divorce settlements, extra time and money for the children, and working on yourself to become a better person – not vomiting all your SadFeelz and “I don’t know what to do” on the person you betrayed and make fixing your feelings their problem.

Gato
Gato
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

It is very possible one of them is regretting what they did, ImAPhool. Simply from statistics, there must be 1 in all the rest (I’m sorry I’m being a bit snarky). However, the letter is worth nothing. So if you get one, don’t get your hopes high or open your heart. Words are free. They are so free, that you can put a letter like this on the other side of a scale containing the horrible things he told you. If you are like me, then the things he said after DDay are so bad that he would have to compose the most beautiful letter ever written in Spanish to have even a hope to get balance. And he can’t do that.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

ImaPhool – you’re no fool.

What I am hearing is that IN YOUR HEAD – not just in the letter – it’s still all about your cheater. And it’s just untangling the skein again.

This tells me that YOU aren’t central in your own life right now. So what can YOU do to focus on yourself and your needs?

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I do think some of them have pop-up moments where they realize they have done something shitty. But that doesn’t sit well with many of them. Some are narcissists and those feelings are uncomfortable for them. They then find justifications or shift blame.

The next step to realizing you have hurt someone or made wrong choices should be to look inside yourself as to why you did it AND to take steps to make up for it with the person(s) you harmed. For the vast majority of us, this is not the case with our cheaters. Instead, they continue with the same actions or they hit us again in a different way during the abandonment and divorce.

To be kind or empathetic, in my experience, just gave my cheater the agency and entitlement to betray, lie, and hurt me more. Disconnecting and letting him be 100% responsible for himself is the only way to get clear. And that is not easy for me…that is not the way I am wired. But healing only started once I did.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

A petting zoo? I am in tears with laughter on this one. Feels good!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

We have 2 dogs and a cat. He has a thing for dogs especially. No matter how shitty of a person you are, dogs will be happy to see you. Perfect for narcs. Easy kibble.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

I now see how the animal thing can go both ways. I am a dog person and always wanted a dog. Growing up, I would climb the fence to play with the neighbor’s dogs bc mom wouldn’t let me have one. Parents finally got a dog when I went to college and she was so attached. Said she should have got one for me.

Stbx ran out and bought me a dog in the lovebombing days. It was terrible timing as we were building a house and I was pregnant, working and living with his parents temporarily and his mom hates dogs. He bought the dog from a puppy mill and surprised me but I loved it even though the situation was difficult. Notice the theme- he didn’t consult me but how would I ever say no to such a wonderful gesture.

Anyway, fast foreward 25 years to when he left and we have a different dog. He didn’t care about leaving the kids and leaving the dog was as easy as leaving was as easy as leaving a snake in the back yard.

When adult daughter started dating a guy who had a dog and seemed to love it, I told her he must be alright because he cares about his dog. He ended up being a jerk in the end. I don’t have any knowledge that he cheated on her but he did go from love bombing her, wanting to do exciting things every day the first 5 months they were together to making sarcastic comments about her in front of me and canceling plans with no notice. Having the dog did not mean he was a loving person and I don’t think it was my imagination that he would try to put our dog down to lift his up. crazy making.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

feelingit,

I tend to see cats as better judges of character. They won’t let assholes pet them or pick them up and poop in/pee on somebody’s shoes/bag/side of the bed if something is “off “

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Makes me want to barf reading this and knowing it was sent before you knew about his schmoopie. My ex had it all too. But it was never enough. I do think this part of what they are saying is true. They think running off with a ho will fill the empty void that is their soul.

Poor sad sausages with a sadz. They stole the last cookie from the cookie jar and are standing there with crumbs on their faces. How dare you, the kids, and the family pet look at them like that….

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

ImAPhool,
I think the key points of this letter from Dumped Chump’s cheater that show that he is a lost case and is insincere are:

1) The centrality of HIS pain. As CL says, if you are truly remorseful you don’t make YOUR “pain” central. You dissect YOUR shit and remove the pain from the person you hurt. The rest is just impression management so the CHEATER can look splendid in the photo;

2) The lack of effort. Meditating while sitting on the can does not count as effort. Anyone can pick up some quotes on the internet (“mistake quotes” “failure quotes” and blend them in with some shallow thoughts. How many moral synapses did it take for this jerk to pronounce himself a “nothingman” AFTER he got caught?

I have no doubt the first time he looks bad in the photo he will be blaming Dumped Chump for something.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

I agree. This is how my cheater corralled the support of mutual friends. By the APPEARANCE of remorse. By pretending to want to save the marriage publicly but hiding money and continuing the affair privately. You don’t have to actually give a shit or want the best for your wronged spouse. Only to LOOK SORRY because people who believe you are normal, people who project their prosocial values and morals onto you, are so useful.

Creativerational
Creativerational
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

I think it’s the bait lines that clinch it as kibble seeking. ‘I was a good provider I guess.’ Dude you don’t have to call out the things you did right. We all know partnerships are full of good and bad and some things we excel at and others are not. It’s that this is plagued with so much ‘I’m so terrible, I say this so you tell me I’m not that bad’ it’s kind of… it’s like a throbbing boil waiting for lancing. As soon as you tap it ‘there there little boil, it’s not so bad. Maybe a warm compress will-‘ THERE SHE BLOWS. Pus, green throbby gelatinous pus, everywhere. It will word salad all over the poor chump with even more self flagellation that we have to mop up and comfort and deal with. If you’re sorry, say sorry and do the work. Or say sorry and disappear. This is Naugahyde.

Thea
Thea
6 years ago

What a visual! Made me queasy but super analogy!!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago

Yep. “I know I killed your dog, but hey, I played you a nice song on the guitar first, so I’m not all bad, eh?”

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago

And the “listen to the sound nothingman” thing. He likes it when she does what he tells her. #divorcehomework

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Sagefemme

Never thought of it that way but you are spot on!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

First, thanks for this translation- so nice to start my day off with a laugh!

ImAPhool, thought about it your way but still think #NeedKIBBLE sums it up best.

He is a narc. He may feel bad but not for the chump, for himself. He flat out says her anger doesn’t matter. He is saying he screwed up but it wasn’t his fault, just who he is. He is sorry he screwed her and left a scar but he couldn’t control that. WTF, who could then?

Btw, don’t know anything about Pearl Jam but looked at the lyrics and think they are a great synopsis of a cheater in a relationship. Would just change the line some words when spoken, can’t be taken back to some actions when done, can’t be undone.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“Oh, she won’t feed him…after he’s flown away”
Yep, no kibbles, fucker is getting hungry.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

They really signpost their behaviour, if we pay attention!

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Well said FeelingIt. I bet he is actually sorry now. For himself. #consequences

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This is so spot on!!! My fuckwit cheater has never apologized to me for anything and turns around accusing me of not ever apologizing for anything even though wrote him a stupid fucking apology letter a week before day for anything and everything had ever done to offend him or cause him pain. Best he ever gave was maybe a piece was my fault. WTFingH?

He told dd that he was sorry for her pain but never took any responsibility for causing it. His famous fucking words ‘there are 2 sides to this story and you will never know mine.”

He is hurting. Well good, so are we!

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

If i hear “2 sides to every story” one more time…!!! Yeah yours and the truth you dead beat dad. He had the fucking nerve to lie to our daughter that my last words to him were “i will turn our children against you” . Never happened…he pretty much did that all by himself. They are the author of their own shit show .

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“There are 2 sides to every story.” This!! Yet, they never sit down with kids and have a real conversation. They just text shit like that. It is just manipulation to make kids feel sorry for them and to create doubt about what happened.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

You get it! I keep wondering every time I go into a deposition, will this be the big reveal? Will we finally learn the terrible thing I did to cause him to cheat and leave his family. It is as if we all have amnesia and can’t remember the horrible crime I committed and caused all this. It is a crime so terrible, he can’t mention it to his kids.

It will come out though. But it won’t, because it doesn’t exist and the kids were here the whole time. They saw everything which was just life, problems and all.

There will never be an answer. I am still seething at MIL who said in her deposition that her cheater son left because feeling was hard to live with, just nagging him all the time for years. OK, so even if this were true, which I doubt. Her fucking son always did whatever the hell he wanted. Hunting trips, fishing trips, boys weekends, on and on. Maybe once I asked him not to but he went anyway. Even if it were true, she certainly never saw it. I was at her house, bells on with her grandchildren every Sunday and holiday. I was always the polite loyal dil bridging her gap with her grandchildren telling her how wonderful her fuckwit son was! So she takes his word that I was nagging bitch otherwise without asking me or her grandchildren. Boy do I have choice words for her but I will never say them as I treat her as I do her Narc son, NC. She will never get to know how I feel now.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

FeelingIt – the very very worst thing cheaters do to us is cause us to question ourselves. Good God.

The hole left in my life … did I light the fuse, pack the gun powder or load cannon ball???

The guilt and shame I felt/feel is real. The anger and bitterness that I feel when I KNOW I didn’t deserve this is also very real.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

And let’s not delude ourselves as to why they feel like shit–not because of pangs of conscience, but because they LOST. They lost half their retirement account, they lost their spouse appliance, they lost the respect of their children and some friends. Hannibal Lecher appeared to be remorseful on many occasions, but scratch the surface and it all came down to ruing the consequences. (I have LOTS of examples from emails & texts to support that; they’ll all be in the novel ; ).

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL…you are brilliant (just saying).
Here there is a truth…if they ARE shit, they SHOULD feel like shit.
Shit behavior = shit feelings.
Rare drop of congruence in an ocean of cognitive dissonance.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago

Except that they don’t feel like shit! They feel sorry for themselves because of the CONSEQUENCES of their choices. None of these idiots was apologizing and remorseful before getting caught/heading out the door.

I know my ex felt like shit, AFTER I wouldn’t take him back, then Schmoopie dumped him (for another man. twice.) and the kids had gotten sick of his selfish ways. He had a good life and trashed it all, so he felt shitty until he got back on his feet (with the help of another woman, of course! He doesn’t do alone, or independent.). Now he feels fine again (or as fine as his miserable self ever feels), and any and all problems are ALL my fault. Back to his normal, once he got most of the consequences out of the way.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL, absolutely. Skankboy said many times, “I’m soooooo sorry.” Told a neighbor/friend “I feel like an asshole for doing her wrong.” Yep, that fixes everything! (eye roll)

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

I forgot to mention the tears, sniveling, gasping for air apology. Boof******hoo!!!

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  nomoreskankboy

Yes I got the ‘I’m sorry I hurt you’. In a text. After 20 years together. Two teenagers. Screwing with daughter’s 20 something year old assistant high school sports coach. At both kids school. Not the first time he’s left for greener pastures. Fucker didn’t even care how would affect the kids-in their school, in front of their teammates and friends & teachers never mind how it affected me. I’m sure that ‘apology’ was more than most chumps get. But really it’s still all about him cause if he’s sorry, well then you know he’s not such a bad person.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes, this is a double edged sword. In the case of those of us who are done divorcing, settlement is signed, counseling is off the table, and they were so fucking awful but now bring the sorry, there’s nowhere to go.
You soooo badly want them to be sorry (they aren’t….see kibbles above) but in order to see if the words align with the actions you have to let that snake back in the door. No thanks.
My ex claims to have found the lord, has made a life with his mistress, claims to all that he’s a changed person and that he feels badly for how things ended…..allegedly.
I don’t care if he’s adopting orphans, I don’t want him anywhere in my orbit.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

One of the best things that I learned here was that words are just words-LOOK AT THEIR ACTIONS!
I got a sad sausage letter like this and it had the same “sorry for everything or anything I might have done”
Still not taking responsibility & definitely nothing specific. A thinly veiled invite for the front row of the cheater’s opera of “Me, Me, Me” at their personal theater of drama.
It’s all fake remorse designed to get more chump kibbles.
They don’t care and never will.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump Lady – Thank you for weighing in from the land of fall viruses. You really are so kind to us, who are such slow learners.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Years ago, I think just before I found out my STBX was with his whore the first time, I had a conversation with him about “actions speaking louder than words.” He literally said he didn’t understand what I meant. I was dumbfounded.

I personally think he did understand, but knew that to “understand” would mean working and putting in effort, so he played dumb instead. Oh, and got angry, too…yelling and screaming whatever garbage, to deflect and change the subject.

dumped_chump
dumped_chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

And as the recipient of that garbage, I agree with CL. I actually did feel bad for him when he sent this. And like a typical chump, I felt compelled to show kindness and compassion. I fought with myself for two days after he sent that text, then I finally sent a brief, compassionate reply. Big mistake!!! All I did was open the door to his evil once again, with my heart on my sleeve. And I was left wondering what happened to the sad, remorseful person who sent that text. What I saw instead was a self-absorbed, cold asshole who basically told me “I was just feeling down. I told you I didn’t want a response.” …among other things. Then I re-read that text and realized the hollowness and self-centered angle to the whole thing. I agree with CL. It’s about his actions.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

So sorry Dumped Chumped. I would have fallen for this too. They use our feelings against us, they’ve done it all along. NC is the only safeguard, but it’s so hard sometimes to just do nothing or block them.

Emily369
Emily369
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

The letter had me sucked in. While I could recognize there was substance/introspection, SOMETHING lacking, my heart went to the part where he was trying.

I would have responded too, and it shouldn’t be surprising that he didn’t want a response.
CL nailed it with the UBT even though I wanted to believe she was wrong.

All About. Him.

Nauseous Chump
Nauseous Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

Oh so sorry dumped_chump. I can totally relate to the chump struggle you describe, wanting to respond with kindness and understanding, only to be met with the cold reality that is him. This happened to me many times too. Trust that they suck.

Menopausemommy
Menopausemommy
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

This happens to me too. My stbx will send me something heartfelt and then when I show compassion or God forbid try to share my feelings it always backfires…and I’m left thinking “how can I be so stupid and fall again for that crap?” I’m hoping some soon I will learn!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Menopausemommy

It is all about my STBX also. He uses “I” every other word. I don’t remember that always being the case. It started when I stopped hiding his behavior and told people the truth about decades of infidelity. He is angry and he can’t do image management fast enough. He has not or will not have any concept of the gravity of his fucking around and abandonment. Some how it is right up there with not wearing pink or wearing my hair too curly. They are emotional infants.

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

Is your divorce final?

If not, give the letter to your lawyer ASAP!

I got a similar note…best part…it was document #1 at his deposition ????.

He was really sorry he wrote it when the judge, and his own legal team, said it was proof enough that he was the cause of the divorce (yes, I DO live in a no-fault state) and that I was entitled to a great settlement.

Best note I ever received – didn’t care why he wrote it!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

All of that. All of it.

Maybe if the letter said only “I was wrong and I’m sorry, no excuses.” Maybe then it would be ok…

Except no, because the apology is still about the cheater — “*I* want you to know that *I’m* sorry. I need to get in front of you again because I want to tell you things no matter how my contacting you makes you feel. I am addressing my feelings, regardless of how you feel.”

So back to everything CL said.

Nauseous Chump
Nauseous Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes, words are not enough and really don’t mean anything. This letter is a little dangerous, even reading it I felt myself getting pulled in by some of his hooks! Yikes! But the bottom line I agree with CL is that there are literally no letters long enough nor eloquent enough to make up for the actions of leaving your wife and two kids to search for happiness. Why couldn’t he try making happiness with his family? There are just the actions. And if there were words, like Amiisfree said, they would be along the lines of, “there’s nothing I can say…” Not this pity party nonsense.

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago

I could totally imagine my Jackass sending something similar down the line. They really are all alike. Maybe there is a group discount for the karma bus!

no-way
no-way
6 years ago
Reply to  slowtolearn

Snort! I believe the karma bus is full!!

Mehtamorphosis
Mehtamorphosis
6 years ago

He was up all night lying next to OW, who isn’t so sparkly and irresistible anymore now that he gets to breathe in her halitosis and bedfarts every night, and feeling a little sorry that he lost his grade-A wifely kibbles due to being a shitty person. If she buys into the apology from bottom of his broken, empty core, will the mother of his two amazing kids forgive him and try to fill him back up with happiness?

This was a Hail Mary pity pass from a narcissist hoping to score forgiveness and love. It’s the only kind of pass a narcissist knows how to make after the discard. Make a good enough apology, and maybe she’ll let me in there again! Score!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Mehtamorphosis

Yeah, there is no pot of gold at the end of the turd rainbow. I think he is now realizing that his new sparkling life ain’t so sparkling. So what does he do? Try to make DC feel bad FOR him. It’s all in the cheater’s handbook.

Someone asks why isn’t this “apology” enough? Because he is trying to drag her back in to his shit, make her feel sorry for him, let her guard down. Then, his next step will probably be to try to convince her to be his side piece… because the OW just doesn’t understand him the way DC does. Talk about a mind fuck.

And really, he doesn’t want forgiveness, he wants pity. Pity makes us do things we would not normally do. It makes us want to help the other person feel better. It colors our thinking in ways that compel us to overlook being fucked over.

I feel sorry for drug addicts, I truly do. Their lives are a living hell. I do not feel so sorry for them, however, that I would allow them to break into my house and steal my belongings. If they want to utilize the help available to them to get clean, wonderful. In the meantime, I will still keep my doors locked to prevent them from entering my house. DC should not allow her X to break into her emotional home, either.

dumped_chump
dumped_chump
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Very well put violet. I posted a response higher up already, but yes – this garbage actually worked for a brief time. He got me to open the gate in his search for pity. It’s amazing how the toxic mess of emotions and that abusive relationship bond can come swirling back when you let your guard down. I submitted this to the UBT to firmly fix the right perspective on this and help me never to let my guard down again. 29 years in an emotionally abusive relationship leaves one with a need for a permanent vigilance I think.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

>>”29 years in an emotionally abusive relationship leaves one with a need for a permanent vigilance I think.”

Only 23 years for me … but heavens, yes. It really does.

limon_b
limon_b
6 years ago

I swear cheaters have a playbook. I received a very similar letter a year or so after the divorce as well. I should look for that email and all the other ones where he was so sad and compare them.

The universal cheater manual – I’m sorry, not sorry letters. Cheaters are not originals.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

I almost had to vomit reading this narc’s letter.
How immature is this selfish piece of shut?

Leaving his family for his Whore? Let her have him..
He’s no prize. What the hell does “nothingman” even mean?

Please for you & your family, divorce this “man child”.
Hold the door open as he walks out sucking his thumb.

You deserve better!

Hugs to you..

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

“I don’t know what dream I’m chasing.”

My ex wanted to be her “true self” and chase her dreams (i.e., her married COW). We’ve all heard some ridiculous version of this crap at some point. Why can’t these people have a dream of being an honest and decent person? Be reliable or at least be a functioning adult. Why does chasing your dreams have to involve other people’s marriages, hiding money, hooking up in cars and plastic surgery?

You want to chase your dreams by sleeping with other people….fine…..don’t get married and try to focus your “dreams” on other single people. Then you can be the social butterfly you always dreamed you’d be. But do your thing and try to stay not to destroy anybody else’s life, why is that so much to ask?

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Blindside -“Why can’t these people have a dream of being an honest and decent person?”

Word.

crushed
crushed
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

My coworker’s cousin left her husband and kids to go ‘find her rainbow’ which as it turned out might be in the local bowling alley where she now drinks and hooks up with potential ‘crystals’ I guess who will produce this elusive rainbow.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

“I didn’t really mean to screw up your life.”

I DID mean to cheat on you; that you can be sure of. An awful lot of planning went into keeping everything hidden. I just didn’t understand the principle of cause-and-effect. Still don’t. I wasn’t in school that day, Mommy said I didn’t have to go if I had a tummy ache.

DC, I would never advocate responding to this bullshit. But if you did . . .

“Please sing the following lyrics to the tune of “Happy Birthday to You” — it does a better job of explaining where I am:

You’re a fucking asshole.
You’re a fucking asshole.
You’re pathetic and worthless.
You’re a fucking asshole.’

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

With candles 🙂

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Nice songwriting!!!

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
6 years ago

He could have saved himself from having to use so many WORDS by simply saying “I’m an Asshat, I suck. Now fuck off.”

mila
mila
6 years ago

Made me laugh. MEMEMEME is the refrain. Once you have the necessary detachment, you can only shake your head. They are pathetic, aren’t they?

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago

Nice work, UBT!!!

“Please do all the adult-ing. I don’t adult well.” My only edit would be to make it a command and take out the “please.”

My X has never and would never admit to not being able to “adult well.” That’s because he does EVERYTHING well! He’s at the top of the heap in EVERYTHING, in fact. His unemployment record is amazing, and his strained relationships with me and our kids consistently sucks. He is an EXPERT liar. He is an involved dad when it comes to enabling bad behavior. What other father would take his mentally ill, addicted son to VEGAS for his 21st birthday to learn how to gamble, drink his first legal drink and bag a prostitute?

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Chutes

So sad to think this is all dad has to offer. I’m hoping your son sees him and fights for himself.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

Oh, chutesandladders, I’m so sorry your son’s sperm donor did this to him. Who indeed? A horribly disordered sad excuse for a parent. I hope your son is getting the help he needs.

Alex
Alex
6 years ago

How did you get my letter?
Mine had some garbage wrapped in words from Pinterest about the Japanese art of fixing broken bowls with gold… he wanted to come home after injecting his deep and inbounding love into most of the small town I live in, POF and Tinder (rebound attempt no joke 6 of 8)
I never answered… he never stopped it was like he never said the words.
He is bankrupt now- I bought my home out of foreclosure.

I’m over here raising our 3 kids…adulting.

He is a victim…

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Wow
For a second I thought this was one of the letters I got from my narcissistic ex.
The words are literally identical.

Is there a website for these people to get form letters on this? Click here to down load a form letter you can send to your spouse that will make them feel sorry for you for cheating on them.

First of all hiding behind a computer totally voids any hit of a sincere apology (not that there ever was one). Tell me to my face coward.

Secondly, I don’t give a royal F*** about YOUR feelings in this. Don’t get into a relationship, if you want to screw around. Stay single and stop hurting people who will (gag) love you.

Born Free
Born Free
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

LOL’ed at the form letter website.

Right next to “Cover Letter to Resume” …. “Pity Sorry Text to XW”

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago

Yep, he’s definitely a nothingman…
No integrity
No respect
No loyalty
No accountability
No compassion
No empathy
No decency
No character
No desire to change
No vision
No insight
No awareness
N-O-T-H-I-N-G-M-A-N
#wasteofskin
#affronttothewordman

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

A Nowhere Man…a pod person…”Hello ? Is there anybody in there ? (crickets)”

deedee
deedee
6 years ago

Dumped Chump says that husband walked out almost a year ago, and that she received his sad sausage letter about a month ago. Soooo … what happened in the intervening 11 months? Is the Blissful Life with Schmoopie not so blissful anymore? Did she dump him? Did the fantasy wear off? Has he devalued her kibbles? Why would he suddenly, after almost a year, be “up all night thinking” about his ex?

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  deedee

I think it is a given that Schmoopie is no longer supplying sufficient kibbles.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  deedee

You nailed it. Why, indeed. 🙂

I have never been a gambler, but I would bet a years’ salary that this asshole has run low on kibble supply again. He is likely already cheating on the OW he left his wife for … and trying to re-engage with old supply.

deedee
deedee
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

For sure. Either the OW-kibble-supply has dried up, or it’s not as sparkly as it once was. He’s now going through his rolodex of reliable old suppliers, and ex-wife Dumped Chump has a gold star next to her name. And the price of reestablishing Narc-Supplier relations is a mere letter filled with self-flagellation and self-pity. A bargain!

dumped_chump
dumped_chump
6 years ago
Reply to  deedee

He’s still with OW. In fact I hear they’ve moved into a very nice place – upgrading together I guess. I can’t imagine what she sees in him. But it seems the “impression” they’re giving is still one of happiness. I imagine they’ll hang on fiercely. Otherwise they have to admit they blew up a family for nothing.

deedee
deedee
6 years ago
Reply to  dumped_chump

Still with the OW, but up all night thinking about you after a year. If his life was filled with true happiness (as opposed to impression-management-happiness), then he wouldn’t have any need to reach out to you with that pathetic letter. If I were you, I’d take his letter as an admission that life with OW isn’t all that.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  deedee

Agreed. Mine just messaged me today and asked how my pain was (I have rheumatoid arthritis) and I said, “Manageable.”

He said, “You know I am still here for you to talk to.” Why would I want to do that?

I said I didn’t feel like I could talk to him about my life and he said, ‘I don’t feel that way.” And I replied, ‘You are engaged. Why do you need to talk to me?”

Do you know what he said? “That’s not the point. We’ve always been good at talking.”

I have a feeling if the whore knew he was still trying to have conversations with me that she would hit the roof. I just smile because she got what she wanted – a man who cheats on his wife – and now she has to live with it.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

Emily, that’s right – it IS the point. But he will NEVER get it. He thinks we should be friends (even asked me to be FB friends and I shut that shit down immediately). I told him today I have not forgiven him and it will be a long, long time before I do.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

Yep. I don’t think she’s very smart (her grammar and spelling is atrocious) and I don’t think she’s very responsible (whereas I am probably TOO responsible since I took care of practically every adult matter that ever came up in our marriage).

I am just laughing over here. He has NO CLUE all the progress I’ve made, all the recovery I’ve done, all the research into narcissism/sociopathy. I have him PEGGED and know EXACTLY what he’s doing. I am now the fox! (See the Fox and Scorpion story for what I mean!).

twiceachump
twiceachump
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

OW’s are good fuckbuddies but not great companions. I guess he’s missing his cake and might have a sadz.

Emily369
Emily369
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

“That’s not the point. We’ve always been good at talking.”

But that is EXACTY the point. Why don’t they get that???

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

Winner, winner… chicken dinner! He’s already bored. Glad you shut him down KC!

I don’t know about you, but I get more honesty talking to a stranger at the bus stop than talking to my X.

Little red riding hood
Little red riding hood
6 years ago

4 years out…Thank you for the morning giggle. This could have been written by my ex, sad sausage toilet sitter.
It seems I would never understand either the explanation of a cowardice man child.
These cheaters are a joke, full of self importance.
I am so glad and thankful he is no longer my problem anymore.
OW got the boobie prize of a bald middle age man sucking up her youth to recapture his own.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

All I hear is…
I hope you keep hurting forever???? Please remain scarred forever????Please stay confused and angry and never forget how I destroyed you???? Aren’t I powerful to never be forgotten even when I’m gone???????? Power. Power. My legacy lives on inside you. Turn on the song now and cry please. Everytime you hear it please fall back into a depression and have a shit ass day????
Opposite of everything he wrote.

And I chuckle… “It’s not that I’m a bad person”… I am “a terrible ugly person”. Tattling on himself in his own text. It’s hard being an idiot and a Narc must hurt his brain.

I’ve never told someone I’m a good person. It’s a given. When you need to tell someone that it’s because you are a bad person. My Nothingman told me on our 3rd date “I’m a good guy. You don’t need to worry. I was raised right.” I wasnt fluent in Devil-ese back then.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago

Devil-ese, excellent way to put it!
That’s what the UBT does, devil-ese to English translation.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Yes- and another thing- he says he wants no response- well why the hell send it- it is all for his benefit.

When you apologize, aren’t you usually looking for the response: you are forgiven?

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I totally agree! I think that is evidence that it was sent for his benefit. And if it’s cloaked in sadz then it’s hard to see that his objective is to remain relevant and poke at healing wounds. Pain pain remember me?! No need to respond because that’s not the goal here! And I also think he’s telling her not to respond in case she doesn’t. Being ignored creates a Narc injury and just in case he’s ignored… it’s ok bc I told her not to. I’m still important.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

I thought this, too. He does want a response but if his precious ego is protected because he told her he didn’t want one AND if she does respond than he can rail her for responding after he told her not to. A circle gaslight.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
6 years ago

It took me several Dday “apology”letters much like this one before I saw it. They were always about HIS pain, his sufferings, his sadz. The only mention I ever got about me was how I couldn’t understand because I was perfect and how I needed to learn forgiveness because imperfect people like him are the norm in this world. In one letter he dared to compare a time I had to go to the ER and he sat with me all night to me not being able to stand by him after I discovered his latest affair, I quote “I stood by you when you were sick, and now that I’m sick you choose to not stand by me, how is this fair?” In his head my uncontrollable medical emergency was equal to his months of lying cheating and plotting behind my back, but he’s sick with the sex addiction and all. Blech these cheaters are all the same, the cry of me me me is all they know.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

Yes always about his pain. Mine told me he was sorry because “In hurting you, I hurt myself”
Those apologies rang hollow even then and they went straight to the recycling. I forgot, you’re not supposed to recycle dog shit!!! Hope I don’t get in trouble with the city.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago

The last day I saw my fuckwit was when I was doing the final moving out of the marital home with our adult daughters and himself in town about 2 months after the original abandonment. He was there lifting our girls’ things and making some dump runs, being present at all from a sense of guilt and obligation. The last thing he did before he left was to sob and clutch at me that he didn’t deserve me and that abandoning me was the worst thing he has ever done to anyone. I agreed.

He then went out into the world and continued on with his stupidity and made zero effort to walk even an inch back toward me or our daughters in the months since then. Not that I would have reconciled this time, but it was a very telling episode. I realized that when he sees me he can’t face what he has done and I think he realizes what a coward he is. He can quickly reassume his Mask of Awesomeness when he is gone from me and can gleefully text his 25YO sparkletwat and can completely forget about what a dick he is. Sparkletwat doesn’t know he is a dick yet, but let’s just give that some time.

I hope that as I see him at the obligatory parenting functions he continues to have that stab of pain in his heart. I hope he sees me happy (and possibly with a great guy on my arm) and feels wicked guilt. I do hope he genuinely regrets his life and his stupid choices. Nope, not at meh yet.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Now I.C.
Very telling indeed. After my STBX left the second time, it was all about his unhappiness. I didn’t know yet about OW2. This time, I didn’t let him cry “sorry…I regret leaving” and come back without proving it. I told him he had to go to a doctor to be evaluated for depression, get into individual counseling, and make choices about living his life differently (like a married person, not a single bar-hopping man).

He kept up with the sad text messages but did none of the three things I said had to be done for me to even consider taking him back. It was really hard as I am not good with enforcing boundaries and am too forgiving and loyal for my own good, but I am glad I had family to support me in keeping those three boundaries because they told me what I finally needed to know. It wasn’t long before he was living with OW.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yeah, I didn’t know specifically about the 25YO Sparkletwat at that point, just presumed some OW2 existed which of course he lied about. When he had done zero counselling or reflection within a couple weeks of that day I asked him about it (even though I had filed for divorce already) and he said he had just been too, too, too busy to look into that. Yah, right. That was the end of all discussion in my mind and I knew he was just doing the sad sausage routine (self-pity channel coming in clearly).

It scares me a little now to think where I would be if he had done some naughahyde remorse bit or made a show of counselling. I too would likely be sitting here miserable with my Chumpy self, oh so loyal. Instead he will soon be living with Sparkletwat in Europe and will lie about that to our daughters who are about OW2’s age and are completely disgusted by him. And I am free.

He continues to rapidly disappear up his own ass. #morecowbell indeed.

PF
PF
6 years ago

Nothin Man Sadz

I’m hearing music in your unapologetic apology but it ain’t Pearl Jam. Nothin Man seems more like a white shoed Cruise Liner lounge singer belting it out on his digital piano to a few drunken seasick passengers.

Nothin Man got the Sadz real bad and he’s sorry you don’t get where he’s coming from or going….that shit is deep as a puddle.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This has to be one of the funniest things I’ve ever read! 🙂 🙂

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

HAHHAHAHAHA-Well done, CL! That effing bitch. If there’s anybody I’d be violent with, it’s EstrogenPerel. I’d like to slap that smug look off her face.

PF
PF
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL…you’re brilliant!!!!

hehehe….Perel Jam

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

BAM!! Mic drop. You are firing on all cylinders today Tracy! You must be feeling better. 🙂

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

(Disclaimer: PJ is outside of my musical sweet spot, so I’m going by titles only of what appear to be famous songs of theirs)

Discography for Esther Perel Jam

— Given to Lie
— Just Cheat
— The Fix-Up
— Jere-MEEE!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

That’s freaking HILARIOUS… you have a gift, CL!

LivingMyLife
LivingMyLife
6 years ago

He’ll provide what he can. Sounds like he’s worried about his pocket book, and trying to make you feel sorry for him so you’ll go easy on his financial responsibilities.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  LivingMyLife

He will provide the bare minimum that the state is requiring of him but no more…

Kids want to play sports…sorry, I have no money to even eat with after support payments
Kids want to go to a camp…sorry, I am in debt up to my eyeballs
Kids want to go to college…sorry, where is that money supposed to come from?

He has nothing left after he pays his court ordered support. Don’t mind the new SUV he drives, the Kate Spade purses and Apple watches his girlfriend has received from him, or the weekend getaways the two of them take.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
6 years ago

Damn, CL! You must be feeling better! This is absolute perfection!! Thanks for firing up the UBT!!

HM
HM
6 years ago

“I’m not trying to stir up trouble with you. I just needed to say something and I’m not looking for a response.”

WTF is up with that?? I got the same EXACT language in my pseudo-apology. I didn’t believe it at all. I believed (a) he was trying to stir up trouble or even see if I would bite at all and (b) he was looking for a response – I mean every other email that came before was obsessed with “why won’t you respond to me?!?!”

I don’t know if you responded or not but I suggest you don’t. It is hard not to but it will dive him crazy if you don’t ????

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

Maybe there are some form letters for pseudo-apologies in the Cheater Handbook?? “See Appendix B.” 😀

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

NC is the preferred response, because once you respond then they think they can continue the conversation. However, I can understand the need to respond. I would (if pushed to the brink of homicide) respond “FOAD”, then redirect his email address as Spam. Let him find out what that acronym means.

Hang in there, Kid.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago

Oh, I LOVE this. Especially #needsmorecowbell

Throughout the many times we split and got back together, I heard a variety of these same things. Heard a lot of them before he decided he no longer wanted to be married. Heard a lot of them when I found out about the affair and he Facetimed me, drunk and apologetic and calling himself “the devil.”

But do you think any of those were genuine? Did his “sincerity” stop him from trying to sleep with me despite him having his whore? Did it stop him from hoovering me months later? Nope.

Narcs have moments of self-pity and self-awareness, but they are fleeting and easily forgotten.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin Calm

“Narcs have moments of self-pity and self-awareness, but they are fleeting and easily forgotten.” Amen to that, Keeping Calm.

It’s like we say about the weather in certain parts of the U.S.—if you don’t like it, wait 5 minutes because it will change. If a cheater has the sadz, it will only be temporarily until they work out in their disordered brains how it really was all the chump’s fault. Then cue the rage and blame. It is so wonderful to no longer be subscribed to any of the mindfuck channels.

Such incredible wit, Tracy. Thank you for the laughs and clarity. You are one talented woman.

Keepin Calm
Keepin Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

We have that saying here, too, about the weather.

And it’s so true. My ex has a switch inside of him and he flips it over and over again; one minute he’s a nice guy, the next a total and complete bastard. It’s astonishing how fast he can change in one conversation. Man, am I ever glad he’s gone.

JC
JC
6 years ago

Cheater or not, NO ONE wears self-pity well.

Own your choices, apologize, and take actions to fix whatever destruction you caused.

Don’t write woe-is-me letters lamenting your shit character, repeatedly. That’s high school melodrama of teenagers with low self-esteem. It’s barely genuine at 14 years old, and not at all genuine from any adult.

If there’s one thing we all understand, it’s that cheaters regard themselves VERY highly.