UBT: Other Woman Doesn’t Want the “Mistress” Label

Universal Bullshit Translator
Universal Bullshit Translator

Many alert chumps sent me the Carolyn Hax column from yesterday, “Will She Always Be the Mistress to Her Now-Husband’s Children?”

Having been elevated to the status of wife from sidepiece, apparently she’d now like the proper deference.

The Universal Bullshit Translator is here for it.

My husband separated from his ex-wife six years ago as result of our affair, and we have been married for three years.

I won the pick me dance! Where are my prizes?

There was period of estrangement from his kids (ages 22 to 28 now) around the breakup.

I was promised prizes. Who are these sullen children?

After much abject apologizing, talking, accepting responsibility, and frankly extreme financial generosity on my husband’s part — well beyond what was legally required — they now are finally on a path to a better relationship.

We paid for better children. Well beyond what was legally required. I am very disappointed with my purchase.

As the mistress, I have been persona non grata from Day One.

But now I am the wife. BEHOLD MY LEGITIMACY.

I accepted that both as a foreseeable consequence and as the better place for their anger than with their dad, so they could someday get on the path they now seem to be on.

I couldn’t foresee a consequence if came with a GPS.

I love my husband so much, I’ll let his children blame their father’s wandering dick on me. Such is my devotion. Until the day his dick wanders elsewhere, and I am replaced. At which point I’ll marvel at my stupidity.

But as they repair their relationship and as I build very cordial relations with his extended family, who have been welcoming and gracious, I find myself unhappy with being the fall guy with his ex and kids. I exist and I no longer want to be treated as if I don’t.

Seething resentment is an excellent foundation of marital bliss. I EXIST, Children! Even Aunt Mildred is gracious! WTF is your problem?

His kids and ex explicitly excluded me from the kids’ high school and college graduations these past few years.

Fuckwit bleacher seating was full.

That was fair, and I supported my husband as he attended.

That was unfair. And I fervently texted my husband throughout the ceremonies. DO NOT SIT NEXT TO YOUR EX-WIFE. I am the new wife! BEHOLD MY LEGITIMACY! The turd is mine!

My husband has sought to introduce me to his kids several times, individually or as a group, but they have repeatedly refused, saying they are not ready.

It’s been three years. How long can someone be busy washing their hair?

I am invited to my husband’s niece’s wedding next year — and we plan to go.

Finally! I’m choosing my outfit, a subtle number with sequined epaulets that says, “John traded up!”

#bedazzle #destinationwedding #cleveland

However, his kids are close with her and will certainly attend. None of them has said anything to their dad yet about my being there, but it’s coming.

I wouldn’t want to detract from the niece’s big day, but my appearance may create DRAMA.

#shoesdiedtomatchmydysfunction

I don’t want to undo all the progress my husband has made,

Did I mention how generously we paid for these children?

so I am prepared to bow out; he won’t go either, he says, in that case.

Everyone will be crushed if we can’t make it. Especially Aunt Mildred.

But when will it end?

The UBT suggests checking his Tinder. Probably soon.

Am I going to be The Mistress forever?

Singular? No. You never were.

Does adultery carry a life sentence? Appreciate any guidance about how to move forward or if we should just give up trying.

I would appreciate any guidance that sees me as the true victim here. Which is why I didn’t write to Chump Lady.

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Kim
Kim
1 year ago

Even if the kids ultimately become cordial she’s always going to be known as a trashy whore.

Congrats…..all the hard work of fucking a married man who cheats on his wife has paid off handsomely for her I hope it’s worth it!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

It didn’t pay for Clara Petacci. Many people assume the gruesome photo of a woman strung up next to the corpse of Mussolini by Italian partisans was his wife but it was actually his #1 side dish, Petacci, who was lined up against a wall and shot along with her dictator schmoopie.

There’s no justice in associative killings like that but, just in light of the logic of the time, I don’t know why partisans didn’t also execute Mussolini’s fanatically loyal wife Rachelle (who had also been a side piece during his first marriage). They caught her and had the chance to kill her but she were merely interned for a period and released. She lived until nearly 90. I suppose the “Marie Antoinette” in that scenario was perceived to be the visible mistress who publicly cavorted while the masses suffered and died, not the gray little wife-appliance-on-a-shelf.

There seems to be enduring notion that one can end up married to a rotten person by accident and even remain loyal to them by default but, if you cheat with them, you’ve consciously signed off on all their present rottenness and somehow absorb more of it. Whether someone likes it or not, they can’t deny that the attitude is a reality.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

“Even if the kids ultimately become cordial she’s always going to be known as a trashy whore.”

Kim, I think you hit the nail on the head. She’s never going to be able to rewrite the narrative, even if she eventually coerces everyone into acting nicey nice. She can keep inserting herself until everyone gets tired of protesting, but she can’t change their shitty opinion of her when it’s based on actual shitty things she did. (If she even recognizes the distinction – FWs and Schmoopies don’t seem to know the difference between impression management and actually being a good person.)

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

Last words to ex as he came to get the last of his crap from MY now basement two days after divorce decree was signed, “Hope in the end it’ll all be worth it to you.” Ex sheepishly walked away. He reached out 1 yr later but I shut that shit down – thx Chumpy Lady.

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
1 year ago

Substitute the life changing crime – assault, theft, rape, arson – and ask when a family needs to include the assailant in a sit-down dinner. Never – you dumb bitch.

CBN
CBN
1 year ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

Yes! I was just thinking today about out how FW’s therapist asked me to look out for FW after his schmoopie and he split up and he was threatening suicide over losing her, not losing me. Therapist asked me to watch him, remove scissors and knives from the home, etc. Substitute assault, rape, etc. and would therapist still ask me to help my abuser? Of course not!

The narrative needs to change. Thank you, CL, for all you’re doing to try to change it.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

Well I don’t really want to be labeled “elderly lady either” but “them’s the facts” and I won’t be getting any younger.

So yeah you will always be the whore to many, many folks: so embrace it, or not; it won’t change any time soon. Someday though, you will likely become the ex wife replaced with a new mistress; so you have that going for you.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

funny, i misread mistress for mattress, also true. #hah

Alicia
Alicia
1 year ago

I wondered what Chump Lady would say and she did not disappoint!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
1 year ago

“The UBT suggests checking his Tinder. Probably soon.”

????????????????????????????????????????
????????????????????????????????????????

I needed that today, LOL!

Alexandra
Alexandra
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

That’s the line that got me too!

LeftToxicTown
LeftToxicTown
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Me too. THAT ^^^ was epic.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago

I didn’t think the answer Carolyn Hax gave was harsh enough. When you blow up a family the victims are entitled to craft their own response and heal in their own way. Extended families who didn’t have front row seats or skin in the game are always going to be more likely to accept the interloper. They weren’t traumatized. The kids don’t ever have to accept her. And that is just fine. Consequences are sometimes a bitch.

Rob
Rob
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Hmmm, I don’t know. Wasn’t Carolyn saying that this is for the kids to decide, rather than us casual observers and newspaper columnists? I’m cool with that. Yes, she could have been harsher, but it seems that it’s between this POS and the kids. I’m Team Kids. They’ve got it goin’ on.

The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

While I agree completely with you about consequences, I was surprised that Hax was as harsh as she was. Hax, after all, showed up to her divorce hearing hugely pregnant with the twins she conceived with her lover. She’s usually pretty forgiving of cheaters.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Carolyn Hax isn’t very good, IMHO. I have seen similar from her before. Not surprising.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

I never thought about that! Another great prize for winning the pick-me dance is the hatred, disgust, and disapproval of the FW’s decent family members.
Holidays, weddings, birthdays, will never be fun or comfortable for either of them.
Then again, they will be filled with drama or at least months of anticipatory drama (the niece’s wedding is NEXT YEAR for pete’s sake). So in the cheaters’ eyes I suppose that’s a win.

This woman’s whiny sense of entitlement is colossal.

Kim
Kim
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

See my comment below.

CH is a cheater who got pregnant by new hb while married to ex hb.

Almost Monday
Almost Monday
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

The story/dates are described by the parties as follows:

“Hax married her first husband, cartoonist Nick Galifianakis, in 1994.[1] Hax divorced Galifianakis in June 2002. She was pregnant with twins by the man who would become her second husband at the time of her divorce, and had been separated from Galifianakis for 10 months at the time she got pregnant. Despite this, some of her readers were critical. Hax discussed her situation in her weekly online chat, Carolyn Hax Live.[5][verification needed] Hax and Galifianakis continue to collaborate on the advice column (he continuing to providing the cartoon), despite the divorce.[6] Galifianakis has publicly commented on their eight-year relationship as well, saying, “We were a great couple that could maybe be greater apart. The point of the column is not to keep people together; it’s for people to be happy. And sometimes being happy means making that kind of adjustment, where maybe you’re not together.”[6]

Hax married her second husband, a childhood friend, Ken Ackerman, in November 2002, and they are parents of twin boys and another son.[5] Hax and Ackerman reside in Massachusetts.[clarification needed][citation needed]

Kim
Kim
1 year ago
Reply to  Almost Monday

I suppose it’s possible that within one month of separation she managed to meet and get pregnant by husband 2.

But that timeline is awfully tight and convenient.

I’m glad for them if all parties involved are at peace with it. I just question her ability to be unbiased where cheating is concerned.

FYI
FYI
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

She got pregnant 10 months after they separated. She did not give birth 10 months after they separated.
I’m not a huge fan of hers, but the timeline is not so tight.

Kim
Kim
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

Sorry, I just saw that she already knew hb 2. I still question the convenient timeline.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Yes, I read Carolyn’s response yesterday and didn’t like it either. That OW pushed her way into the lives of those adult children, and they have a right to refuse that.

My kids were in college during the split, and my oldest commented that his father had shattered his childhood and that he was struggling to figure out who he was because of that. People wrongly say that older kids handle this better, but they don’t. Thankfully, the young adults figured all that out, but they still don’t have anything to do with their father. I went alone to their graduations including the pandemic ones online because that’s what they wanted.

My ex’s family doesn’t know the depth that my ex went to, and how he manipulated his image with them, so they are A-OK with him to some extent. I chose to leave it that way because they were painting the picture they wanted, not the picture that was. They think “time heals all wounds.” Well, as my wonderful attorney said periodically, “Only a fool would be friends with the person who burned down their house.” Sure, you can forgive to bring yourself to a point of acceptance, but that doesn’t mean you want to hang around with your ex and his enabling family.

A friend of mine that is a therapist specializing in women in these types of relationships did an interview with me after I was finished with my divorce close-out that he has behind his paywall. As I related the story, he commented several times that usually this type of person repeats their behavior because it works for them. What a chilling thought, but so true.

Lifeisgood
Lifeisgood
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

Same for my oldest who was 16. Older kids go thru similar motions the chump goes thru – questioning childhood experiences and pictures where the cheater poses one way, but now they know, reality was different. It messes with their heads too.

IMarriedJudas
IMarriedJudas
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

I didn’t like Carolyn’s response either. I wondered if she had experience being an OW. Not sure, but her first marriage ended the same year her second marriage began. She was pregnant with twins when she married for the second time.

IPickMe
IPickMe
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

I prefer the “Time wounds all heels” version. ????

And so true – the cycle of abuse just continues with them.

FYI
FYI
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

“That OW pushed her way into the lives of those adult children …”
The youngest was 16 when the charming couple blew their lives up.

KB22
KB22
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

Cheaters usually have a history of being selfish and all around jerks even when they weren’t cheating. So when adult kids see their parent blow up the family due to an affair I think they are upset by the cheating but they also look back and reflect on what a crappy, selfish parent the cheater was throughout their lives. It’s like the kids put up with a lot of BS but the family was intact so ok. Then the cheater parent goes and breaks up the family in the end anyway. It’s a lot to process.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago
Reply to  KB22

Yes, that’s exactly what mine expressed. Dad had been iffy throughout their childhoods and then blowing up the family closed the book.

Freedomsoon!
Freedomsoon!
1 year ago
Reply to  KB22

This is so true. My kids have nothing to do with their father. My son said when I told him your dad cheated again and I’m done. He responded he’s a pos and you should’ve got rid of him long ago. My kids lived their life with him. Some family friends tried to pressure our daughter (adult also) to let her father be in her life afterall he loves you and its between your mom and him. She said you need to mind your business because you weren’t in the house to see the monster when the mask slipped. You have no idea of the lies and crap we have had to deal with and his drinking. You didn’t live here walking on eggshells.

Mari
Mari
1 year ago
Reply to  Freedomsoon!

Same! Mine didn’t drink, he was a stone cold sober type of asshole. Sad, but I repeated the cycle and just married a more polished version of my father.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

Not surprised in the least, sadly. Disordered people don’t change.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Yeah, I’m tired of society harping on victims’ feelings about being victimized (including harassing them to forgive the perpetrator). We should be holding perpetrators accountable, not their victims.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago

No sympathy. If ya don’t want to be known as a home-wrecking whore, don’t be a home-wrecking whore.

dumberer
dumberer
1 year ago
Reply to  Cam

There’s calling a spade a spade, this is calling a whore a whore.

Brit
Brit
1 year ago
Reply to  Cam

If the shoe fits…

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago
Reply to  Brit

“#shoesdiedtomatchmydisfunction” shoes that is!

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

A note to those not familiar: It used to be very popular in the U.S. to buy a specific brand of identical white shoes for bridesmaids. Then you’d get them dyed to match the exact color of the bridesmaids’ dresses.

I had dark green ones for my brother’s wedding. Also, my dress looked like a shiny tablecloth and became discolored from sweat after the first wear. Ahhh- the 90’s…

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago

I’ve forgiven myself, why can’t the kids forgive me now?!? They are always desperate to get others to swallow their faulty narratives. Can’t you just forget the lives I’ve destroyed so that I, I, I, can have the life I want?!
Sorry, you will always be the moral less bitch that contributed to the destruction of their family.
The only way you become a loving step parent is if you deserve that moniker. Adultery denies you from ever applying for loving parent status.
It’s generally known to the majority of people as “consequences,”
I’m sure you’ve never heard of such a thing.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Outrageous but not surprising.

What’s worse is Carolyn Hax’s response, which seems the children’s anger MISPLACED. That resenting the side piece to their graves will be bad for their souls. I didn’t see her hold the Sidepiece Special accountable anywhere in her reply. Carolyn Hax is placing all responsibility for the illicit relationship on the “dad” who burned the house down and granting immunity to his co-conspirator.

Gee Carolyn. My therapist taught me, back in the 80’s, that people in relationships are unavailable for me to date. Full stop.
That we do one relationship at a time. That we do not get into anther relationship until we have processed the one we just left. That we do not have affairs. I was taught all that in my early 20’s and those are the teachings I have followed. It is just amazing how many problems like the writer’s I have never had because I did not fuck around with anyone in a committed relationship.

WAPO spells her name wrong. It’s HACK.

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago

The kids are making things cordial with the dad for his extreme financial generosity. They hate him just as much as they hate the letter writer. I’m guessing they’ll never be ready to be around her but may stop fighting it as much and may accept her but not engage with her or care about her. And that may feel even worse to the LW. To be included but not centralized. If their marriage lasts long enough to get to that point. We have our doubts.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

I imagine the kids are being cordial to his father because he is their dad and they have a history together. Also, as someone else has pointed out below, who knows what “extreme financial generosity” even means here. I know parents who have paid for their children’s college tuitions, bought cars as graduation gifts, or even helped out with the down payment on a house. This was never seen as trying to buy their kids’ loyalties and affection, but rather “since we can, we will.” Most intact families will see the flow of resources to the children as only a positive to themselves (eliminating worries that their kids will be in debt, have a safe car to drive, a stable place to live). Clearly, the letter writer sees it as a threat to her.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Or did he pay for their sports, field trips, lessons, tutoring, car insurance and college application, admission fees and whore called that extremely generous …

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

It could be some paltry sum or a significant amount. I just don’t think we should believe the children find it as important as the OW clearly does. I feel like cheaters are always telling on themselves when they say things like that. She would have that sort of transactional relationship, therefor the kids probably are too. Although, TBF, I wouldn’t malign the kids even if they were just trying to extract their dad for whatever they could at this point.

traffic_spiral
traffic_spiral
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Yeah, considering how much she harps on about how it was beyond what was legally required, I’m wondering if it was like “continued to pay for their college instead of buying me diamonds and luxury vacations.”

CLKBWformerchump
CLKBWformerchump
1 year ago

So what was it Dave Chappelle said, if you don’t want to be labeled a whore don’t wear a whores uniform… You wore the uniform, you got issued the name tag!

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Carolyn Hax’s response is what really pisses me off.

Carolyn Hax got married in 1994.

Carolyn Hax got divorced in 2002.

Carolyn Hax got married again in 2002.

Carolyn Hax has three children with Husband Number 1.

I have a hunch about where Carolyn Hax’s sympathetic immunity-granting answer to the letter writer comes from…..

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

I just fact-checked myself….the kids are with Husband 2.0, but the marriage dates still suggest “cheater”
to me, and I still think her reply shows a stunning lack of respect for the kids involved.

I am never ever going to defend a person who deliberately hurts another person, and being a side piece is just that, full stop.

In my early 20’s, way back in the 80’s, my therapist taught me that people who are already in a relationship are not available. Period.
A guideline which makes the identity of Mr.or Ms. Right crystal clear.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
1 year ago

I’m locked out of the Post website now for too many free reads, but the one time I read through I thought Hax’s response was a little scattered, but not entirely wrong. She did kinda tell OWife she did this to herself, and the kids have the right to feel however they’re gonna feel. I thought it was wrong she suggested OWife ask the dad to reengage (re-abuse) the adult kids, but I’m pretty sure she addressed the core issue that OWife inserted herself, and doesn’t get to tell the kids how to feel about it.

She also had a column calling out a sad sausage dad who wants his wife to quit her job and mommy, refused counseling and suggested divorce, then is upset she left immediately. Hax said exactly what I would have: sad sausage just proved the wife right about keeping her job/independence, and is also an idiot in general.

Agree Hax is sus though, just based on life history.

Kim
Kim
1 year ago

I seem to recall her vaguely admitting to having an affair in a few of her chats but then minimizing it. I can’t prove that, I just remember that it stuck with me.

Either way I’m not actually addressing her situation. I’m saying that I don’t trust her judgement where cheaters are concerned.

traffic_spiral
traffic_spiral
1 year ago

In fairness, it does look like they had been legally separated for a long time first.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Here’s her advice to a sad sausage husband who cheated and wrote in (2019) for help because his ex-wife hates him and is not interested in ever speaking to him ever again:

“So stop. Stop pressuring her to talk to you, immediately. Respect her right to be furious at you and completely uninterested in hearing what you have to say. That’s basic.

I’ve found this exercise useful: Scour your past for times you were dead certain you were wronged by someone, and see these incidents with new eyes. Were you really so blameless? Isn’t it possible you just defaulted to thinking you were right, because it was you and you meant well (of course!), but in fact you were partly, if not entirely, in the wrong? Challenging yourself like this is like antiseptic on a cut — sharply painful, strangely satisfying and crucial to proper healing. Get to it.”

But I guess this doesn’t apply to kids of cheaters or side pieces in 2022?

Trudy
Trudy
1 year ago

Actually, her children are with husband#2 – her first hub didn’t want kids so they divorced.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Trudy

I’m checking out Kim’s input on this….it seems that it is very possible Carolyn Hax is a cheater.

Foolmoitwice
Foolmoitwice
1 year ago
Reply to  Trudy

And her first husband draws the figures/cartoons for her daily column, so I’m guessing they still have some sort of relationship.
I’m not sure why she can be so generous with cheaters. Like some have said, you tolerate behavior with an arsonist or a robber of your home.

Foolmoitwice
Foolmoitwice
1 year ago
Reply to  Foolmoitwice

you WOULD NOT tolerate that behavior. Oops!

ExLifeLessons
ExLifeLessons
1 year ago

Two of my kids ignore the OW & my other kid is cordial. The OW seizes upon that as him liking & accepting her & she will go as far as saying, “he’s my family!”. But he doesn’t accept her one whit as family & finds it amusing that she turns his politeness into something more. Of course, her & his dad try and “buy” him too.

Brit
Brit
1 year ago

I think there’s nothing she’d like more than to distract from the nieces wedding and she’s looking forward to it.
Maybe as an added bonus his kids will be so upset they’ll disappear and she can move forward and live
happily ever after..

Alexandra
Alexandra
1 year ago

My grandfather’s girlfriend was the mistress for 40 years.

You think we like her?
You think we “want to get to know her?” Hell no.

MollyWobbles
MollyWobbles
1 year ago
Reply to  Alexandra

My childhood best friend’s dad cheated on her mom with his secretary. They divorced and he married the secretary. That was over 45 years ago. She is still the OW in my eyes. Dont’ care how long they’ve been married. He destroyed my best friend’s family and the secretary side piece will ALWAYS be that in my eyes.

Monique Yvette
Monique Yvette
1 year ago
Reply to  Alexandra

the mistress for 40 YEARS?!?!

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Monique Yvette

…..so much for the “unhappy” defense.

Affairs are chosen and designed and set up as such for deliberate reasons, and it isn’t about creating a monogamous relationship with the “right” person because you chose the “wrong” one. I’ve ended all my unhappy relationships without cheating or lining up someone to go to when I left.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

Oh but they were unhappy. They just didn’t get a divorce because of all of the pain that would cause the family and they care too much about their wellbeing to put them through that. Truly, they are the real victims in all of this. Sacrificing their own happiness so the marital funds, sorry – I meant, marital home stays together.

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago

“…and frankly extreme financial generosity on my husband’s part — well beyond what was legally required…”
I’d love to know how much and what this was. Sounds like she counted and resented every penny he spent beyond court-ordered support, which probably ended at age 18. At the time of separation, the kids were between the ages of 16 and 22. And notice she doesn’t even mention the number of kids?

“His kids and ex explicitly excluded me from the kids’ high school and college graduations these past few years.” Since she doesn’t mention being excluded from marriages or showers, I’m guessing that the “extreme financial generosity” she resents means a father contributed towards their college or living expenses, rather than just cutting his kids off.

I also notice she doesn’t mention the number of kids. or how old they were when she crashed into their family. “There was period of estrangement from his kids (ages 22 to 28 now) around the breakup.” No kidding. She smashed their family to bits, and she was siphoning their dad’s attention, energy, time and money away from them. Given their distance now, they probably hated her guts then.

“My husband has sought to introduce me to his kids several times, individually or as a group, but they have repeatedly refused, saying they are not ready.” Despite that, “I am invited to my husband’s niece’s wedding next year — and we plan to go….However, his kids are close with her and will certainly attend.” These kids are close to a cousin they’ve known for years, who she may not even have met, but she’s willing to spoil the kids’ happy family occasion and potentially the cousin’s wedding by insisting on attending.

Selfish is as selfish does. She could step back graciously and not spoil the (adult) kids’ enjoyment of the event. But no, she demands centrality.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

Yes. Yet another realm side pieces need to stay the eff out of is the financial arrangements of the divorced couple, especially when there are children involved.

Note to side piece: cheaters aren’t generous, and neither are side pieces.

MaisyL
MaisyL
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

In a shitshow of a letter (and life!) that financial generosity part was THE ABSOLUTE WORST.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  MaisyL

It was money that was previously earmarked for jewelry and “business trips” and fancy dinners while he was “grabbing drinks with the guys” and now it’s all being sent to the children ???? ????

Trudy
Trudy
1 year ago

My kids who are also thinking adults, are always polite and cordial. Ex wanted more from them but my youngest would have none of her opining on their lives, no matter how much dad fumed. He just blamed me anyway. She eventually got annoyed and wouldn’t attend family events and ex went by himself and she went to hers. They broke up and no one told me. I’m sure that’s also my fault. I, being the all powerful, all mighty chump. I need my wand!! Fetch me my wand!!

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
1 year ago
Reply to  Trudy

Trudy, Absolutely! These FWs think we have some very cool super powers that can bend people to our will. I get blamed for our son being NC with him. Really???? I have that much power over a grown adult? My son is in the Navy and make his own decisions (not all of them have been great but he always accepted consequences). WTF? Oh, one of us is probably responsible for the hurricane as well according to FW rules.

Resilient One
Resilient One
1 year ago

I would LOVE to see the responses to this this article from the “other side” point of view for the original post. However I totally chime in with CL responses to the letter. My ex married his affair partner and it’s the same BS

Doingme
Doingme
1 year ago

Basically the OW wants to fit in with the family. The fact that some family members tolerate you doesn’t mean they respect you.

I’d rather doubt adult children need time to accept your lack of a moral compass. They’ve made adult choices to have no contact. You’re not allowing them take out their anger for your actions. You’ve earned it. Hint: you weren’t invited to graduations. Nor will they want their children to call you grandma.

There’s really no special place set for you other than the one in your entitled head.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Doingme

I’m still appalled that x and AP somehow convinced themselves that they WOULD be accepted by all. Oh, I suppose they knew there might be a period when the kids were cool to them, but they didn’t expect that period to last more than a few months or so [Note: it’s been 3 years]. Also, x promised AP that she and he could babysit his granddaughter. Ummm. NOPE. They are not allowed near the grandkids bc that would require having contact with a daughter who refuses any contact.

x told me that it would “cut him to the core” if I ever dated someone who would be considered a sort of grandpa to the kiddos. So basically he thought the he alone could have a new partner.

Although the AP started her affair with my x when they were both married, I think she told her own barely adult kids that it happened after her divorce. Oh the lies!!! Lies upon lies. I don’t know how these cheaters can live with themselves or how they can ever trust each other. Sounds hellish to me.

CL is right. Karma is those two being together.

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
1 year ago

The prostitute my x used did not like the label–maybe she didn’t understand that collecting $500 for sex was prostitution, thinking it was out of the goodness of my x’s heart to provide her with drug money, gambling winnings, booze, etc. Hell will freeze over before my children will meet this person. Payment for sex=prostitution. If she didn’t like the word, she should have chosen a different career path.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Faithful Rage

I’ve heard of cases where APs were reported to the IRS after expensive affairs. I’m hardly a tax expert but I gather that the standard to determine whether something is a gift or “payment” is apparently the giver’s reasons for giving. If the giver’s reasons are disinterested– simply being generous– it’s considered a gift and anything over $15K annually is taxed to the giver, not the recipient. But if the giver has any expectations in giving the money– including sex, “affection,” company, etc.– then the money given is considered payment for “services rendered” and it’s all taxable income.

You can read about one of those cases here: http://archives.cpajournal.com/old/12543365.htm The case was of two sisters in TX who bilked an elderly widower and were convicted of tax evasion. The conviction was overturned on appeal because the govt. relied on the giver’s intent and one of the defendants produced a letter in which the widower basically said he liked to give for the sake of giving. But that was a near miss. The case shows is that if a bilking AP can’t produce this kind of explicit evidence in their own defense, they may be liable.

I imagine it’s more difficult to quantify meals, trips, bar tabs and other amenities as taxable income. Still, that’s also reportedly happened following affairs. That means that if the giver decides not to step in as savior and take the rap for unpaid gift/transfer taxes (18% to 40% on amounts over $15K per year) and refuses to claim merely charitable intentions, the AP could theoretically be fined or worse if they didn’t claim the gifts as income when filing.

From a site on tax evasion penalties: “Under Section 6531(2) of the U.S. Tax Code, the IRS has six years from the time the tax return is filed or from the last willful act that prevented the filing of a tax return from bringing a criminal tax charges [felony].”

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

It never ceases to amaze me at how self-deluding and unempathetic FWs and APs are.

She is asking how long she will remain the “mistress” and if it’s a “life sentence”?? My response would be “when you chose to end the chump’s marriage by cheating with FW, did the Chump expect her marriage to be for life — like they said together in their vows? How much longer is the end of her marriage to FW? Oh … forever? Well then, you’re forever the mistress that ended it. Let’s review…”

No answer matters really. This AP is just whining and acting like the victim. She will only listen to sympathy, not reason.

Pink Flamingo
Pink Flamingo
1 year ago

There’s no hope for that woman.
BUT Chumplady is my hero. Thank you for the laughs ????

CarolJ
CarolJ
1 year ago

Not a frequent commenter here at all. But I do read daily. And this is worthy of my two cents worth.
Some people have tons of nerve – i.e. – home wreckers/APs/mistresses/etc.
But this one takes it all.
Good for the kids who obviously are quite loyal to their Mom, still unforgiving for their Dad’s dalliance.
WOW

Granny K
Granny K
1 year ago

Here’s a thought: stop telling others how to feel. Also, there are these things called consequences. #YouMadeYourBed #OhBoyDidYouEver

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Granny K

Amen, Granny K. Nothing pisses me off faster than telling me how to feel, or someone telling Little Hammer how to feel.

You nailed it.

dumberer
dumberer
1 year ago
Reply to  Granny K

Or #youscrewedinthebed
Think of this as a lifetime of having to sleep in the wet patch

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago
Reply to  dumberer

???? ???? ????????????????

portia
portia
1 year ago

I think former friends and extended family do not want a scene, so they are polite to OW/OM now spouse. There is really nothing they can do about the situation anyway. But children want a relationship with their parent. Some of them have always had a dysfunctional relationship with that parent. Usually, they do not have life experience necessary to fully understand the betrayal experience. They feel they were left behind, or replaced, or their world was torn apart through no fault of their own. Sometimes they even blame themselves. Children have the right to work through their own emotions and feelings about the entire situation. They need time and distance and experience to evolve into their new roles.

The OW/OM generally want the spouse title to make them legitimate. They do not seem to realize the same betrayal could, and probably will, happen to them. People who are comfortable with lies and deception do not think the same way chumps and children do. They think ME, ME, ME!

I required my children to be polite to others. I explained they did not have to like others, but they had to remain civil. If they did not like someone, they could come home and tell me why, and I would try to counsel them, if they wanted that. My sons had to meet many “dates” after our divorce. They did not like most of them. When their dad finally remarried, they were not happy, but they adjusted. Now that their dad has passed away, they are dealing with his widow as adults. They are beginning to understand her limitations and thought process. As soon as their dad’s estate is settled, I predict she will gradually fade from their lives. There is no true connection there to hold them. I also think she will soon seek another older man with money to secure the status she has grown used to. I doubt she will ever see herself as complete unless she has a partner. It is just who she is.

These are things my sons have to learn as they mature. I believe they know more than I did when I was in my early 30’s. I hope they never personally have the chump experience, but if they do, I think they will handle it better than I did. They saw me struggle to be the sane parent, the provider they could count on, the one who always showed up. They started to really appreciate those things when they went through their 20’s. I think they will experience the struggle if they have children of their own. I cannot imagine my sons ever putting their own desires over the love they would have for their children. Of course, I am a proud mom, so I might be wrong. But that’s what I believe based on my own experience.

SusanK
SusanK
1 year ago

I read this letter yesterday too! My Ex wife /affair partner could have written this letter however my 3 sons were all in their 20’s with 2 married at the end of our 38 year marriage. Now the upcoming marriage of #3 son and I was told Ex is invited to the wedding but wife not included. Ex said he won’t go without her????. Truly I did not think my sons thought about the new wife in any way positive or negative….my son said he told his father “these are the consequences over the choices you make”. Wow. I am happy to know the values I practice and taught my sons made a impact. I expected an uncomfortable destination wedding weekend coming face to face for the first time with ex and affair partner/wife. But the drama continues as Ex pondering who is more important….his wife or his son or perhaps maybe himself?!?

Bruno
Bruno
1 year ago
Reply to  SusanK

My nephew got married in November. His mother was a disgusting cheater. The AP had been a close family friend and part of a close knit group at the local Catholic parish. Twelve years later the now husband is specifically excluded from the wedding, but shows up at the hotel where guests stay. He just has to make his presence known, despite being persona non grata. Once an asshole, always an asshol

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Bruno

Ooof. This guy is boorish AND ballsy. What a combo!

Sorry for the bride/groom et al.

KB22
KB22
1 year ago
Reply to  SusanK

Your ex may grandstand and skip the wedding because Owife was excluded but he will resent Owife down the road for missing his son’s wedding. He’s definitely in a damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t pickle. Good.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago
Reply to  KB22

My ex blames my son for AP not being invited to the wedding! He yelled and screamed at his own child.
Feels that he and the AP did nothing wrong.
????????‍♀️

KB22
KB22
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Matter of time before your ex will target the AP. I hope your son has gone no contact with your ex.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

#bedazzle #destinationwedding #cleveland” ????

Dear Entitled Wifetress,

The marriage post affair is lipstick on a pig. By having an affair, you chose to have that cheater label tattooed on your forehead. Oh, I suppose it can fade over time. Bangs might cover it, and some people may choose to ignore the thing entirely. #badeyesight #spineless

But God, let the kids feel what they feel. Make no demands on them. Keep in mind that throwing money their way won’t buy their affections. That you would think so reveals something about you and your moral compass. #broken #whataremorals

Also, did you ever consider that the kids want nothing do with you, in part, because you’re an invalidating, selfish bitch? Try to be more understanding. Make no demands. Be kind. Be patient. Accept the AP label. Tell the kids you get it. Ugh. So basic. #empathy

–Spinach

LaurShel
LaurShel
1 year ago

I think this man’s kids are shaking him down for cash and still hate him — I’m impressed! Get every nickel and make the wife seethe.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Cheater Haiku

You are a sidepiece
Marriage doesn’t clean the slate
Kids highlight your guilt

Opt for married one
Who is unavailable
Sign up for problems

You hurt a family
Now you have a consequence
That is what you reap

Oh they are married
They are unavailable
Integrity rocks

His (her) children hate me
I helped destroy their family
I don’t understand

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

More Cheater Haiku

You meddling children
Please forget about my crime
I want peace of mind

You did the wrong thing
Evidence is consequence
How’s it feel Mofo

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

‘Mistress’ is so harsh
I want to erase the truth
I demand your help

Reality sucks
Delusions must continue
Please pass the spackle

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

When you do a crime
Whatever your title is
You are still a crook

Kim
Kim
1 year ago

Carolyn Hax is a cheater who screwed around on her ex hb with her current hb and got pregnant with twins while still married to ex.

So she’s a biased party.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

Hi Kim! I speculated on this above. I think she’s a cheater, and Trudy said she her first husband didn’t want kids so they divorced….what’s your source? I’m curious to know! Thanks!

Kim
Kim
1 year ago

Hey Velvet! I actually read her column for a long time and it’s come up….always minimized of course.

A poster above linked a timeline of events, which claims she got pregnant 1 month after separating from husband 1.

Even if we believe that it’s an awfully short timeline to separate then get pregnant by someone you aren’t already involved with.

Since she still works with hb 1 it appears they have peace and that’s fine. I just question her judgment where cheaters are concerned.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Kim

Thanks.

I’m staying in the “I think she cheated” camp. And regardless, I am not an advocate of ending a marriage and getting remarried in the same year. No matter how you slice it, I am not taking relationship advice from her.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago

Velvet Hammer, I wasn’t aware of this. I’ll have to stop reading her columns.

KB22
KB22
1 year ago

Here is a couple of things the mistress should keep in mind if they end up marrying the cheater. Yes, you will always be mistress status in the eyes of his kids and many others as well. No matter how cordial or friendly the kids are towards you, no matter how generous and loving you were towards the kids, when the marriage ends (and the odds are the marriage will end) you will be dumped like yesterday’s garbage. You will always be the homewrecker that upset their mother and ruined the family. Another thing to contend with is respect, or lack of, for your marriage. In the eyes of many you will never be considered legitimate. Women that normally would never consider getting involved with a married man will consider your cheater fair game and available. Since you broke up his legitimate family, you don’t rate nor deserve respect. As for the welcoming family and friends of the cheater, you can count on being ghosted once your replacement is in the picture.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago

At least this AP admits to being a mistress! FW and GF#3/Wifetress never use words like affair, mistress, adultery, or the like. They use euphemisms like star-crossed lovers, meeting the right person at the wrong time, soulmates, etc. They’ll never use the word “mistress.” So, bizarrely, I’m pleased to read that level of self-awareness in this letter: “I was (am) a mistress.” I’m only impressed because the bar, for me, is so low a snake could slink across it. Good job, mistress; you’re able to use the word “mistress” and know what it means and how it applies to you.

Where this FW/Mistress combo are alike with my FW/Wifetress situation is with that smug “Look, I *said* I was sorry! You’re a bad person for not accepting this new situation that favors me and trampled you into financial, medical, and emotional depression, because, look… I SAID I was sorry; what more do you want?! Just accept my narrative!” attitude. It shines in every part of this letter writer’s prose.

That’s how my FW and the Wifetress play it. “I said I was sorry and if you are still hurt, well… you’re a jerk who can’t accept apologies.” Thankfully, after a period of post-discovery harassment, my commitment to No Contact bore fruit and they do not contact me, bother me, poke me, or ask (anymore) why I can’t just accept their love and play happy extended family. They mostly leave me alone (I had to train FW to do that but the No Contact training worked) and it’s bliss. And there’s no point in reaching out at all because, if I do, the first words that will come out of their mouths will be “…What? You’re still hurt? Oh my god, why? It’s been ten years. You just don’t let go of grudges, I guess.” Pretty much everything the letter writer espouses here. She shows no empathy or compassion for her now-husband’s children and their feelings about the situation. Instead, she just wonders how long it’s going to be until everyone sees her as she sees herself.

So, No Contact.

OverIt
OverIt
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Call these idiots Side Pieces. Mistress sounds too Hallmark channel.

DoneDoneDone
DoneDoneDone
1 year ago

“Does adultery carry a life sentence? ”

Yes, it’s called consequences.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

How interesting that this letter appeared today.

My ex had a long affair with his co-worker who me and the kids knew for years. She was welcomed at family events, we vacationed with her and thought she was a friend. Turns out to be a very long time affair partner.

In the 10 years since the divorce, ex has never insisted she be at any family function. It would be him versus me and he know he would lose so he’s always come alone. He never asked to bring her and he came alone to the youngest’s wedding and all celebrations for the grandkids.

Another child is getting married and I learned this morning that he is insisting on bringing “her” to the wedding or not attending. Even threw in that he’s dying. He had a heart attack and refuses to diet or exercise but dying? IDK. He was told not to come if that was the condition.

Me and my kids have a different word than mistress. We prefer whore. Better reflects the hard truth of who she is and what she did. Who comes around the wife and kids while having an affair for years? A whore.

If the letter writer doesn’t like the term mistress than she should have thought about that while fucking the kids’ father.

In my case, the whore doesn’t have kids and never cared about hurting mine.

Who uses someone else’s celebration to stake your claim? A selfish, immature, narcissistic, rotten individual no matter how pretty they try to package themselves.

Ugh, they never just crawl into a hole and stay there, do they?

Zip
Zip
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

‘Who uses someone else’s celebration to stake your claim? A selfish, immature, narcissistic, rotten individual no matter how pretty they try to package themselves’????????

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

“We prefer whore”
Using the word mistress is attempting to put lipstick on a pig. (sorry pig).

Whore’s of course get paid for their services and that is exactly what happens in adultery. The whore always gets paid, if not COD, then gifts, dinners, shows, entertainment, time stolen from another family, the excitement of pulling off a scam, etc. They get paid every bit as much, and sometimes more than a working whore. They wouldn’t stay in it and keep their mouths shut if the payment wasn’t flowing.

Falling Forward
Falling Forward
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, this quote hit me right in the brain: TRUTH
“If the letter writer doesn’t like the term mistress than she should have thought about that while fucking the kids’ father.”

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago

Speaking as a lawyer here, I spit out my coffee at the suggestion that this fuckwit was being generous and paying out “well beyond what was legally required”.

Seriously, that’s actually what they all say. That’s not a figure of speech, it actually is what they all claim. The truth is they pay exactly what they are legally required to pay, if they even do that much. That “extreme financial generosity” you’re talking about? Kids don’t see it that way. Kids need help going to college. Parents are part of that.

They see it as the minimum that parents normally do, in familes that are not dysfunctional and have normal means. They don’t understand why you presume to have bought their affection, by virtue of your being married to someone who is their biological father.

I Am Enough
I Am Enough
1 year ago

thank god they aren’t minor children that they have to co-parent. When does FW realize that adults choose their friends AND their family?

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago

This one triggered me bad.
We were separated 5 months, and X , also known as “Conflict Avoider” bent to his mistress’s demand that she attend a family wedding with him, out of state.
Keep in mind, X and I were married for 10 years, together for 15, raised our children together, and while not particularly close with his side of the family, they all liked me well enough and we had yearly visits with most of them staying in our home.
This family wedding was more like the yearly reunion, as some family members lived over seas.
Some of them did not even know of our separation.
But she went.
I can’t even fathom how awful and uncomfortable it made everyone, and yes, took a little bit of the spotlight off Bride and Groom.
As much as anything else this awful creature did, said, wrote to me – forcing herself into that wedding, expecting to be accepted, rubbing their faces in it… shocked me. Of course Ball-less went along with it, another stab.
I still have trouble forgiving the brides mother, who I was close to, for not enforcing a “not included” to the mistress on the invite.
Anyway, she did not get the reception she expected and I heard she stomped her size 11 foot and announced his family was “negative and judgmental!”
They’re on the rocks now and yes, the word “ Consequences” comes up quite frequently for me.
I guess “delusional, selfish, and mate poacher” comes up too.
I keep thinking I’m at Meh, but perhaps not.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

I absolute think you can be at meh, and still get a giggle out of a touch of Karma.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
1 year ago

Gosh, Dad has been more generous than “legally” obligated to the kids? Stop the presses! Let’s give this man the keys to the city! Oh, wait—doesn’t virtually every parent help kids beyond high school graduation or age 18 where the “legal” obligation ceases ? Yet, how many of us require applause and appreciation for our normal human behavior? This woman is setting the bar pretty darn low.

Which makes me wonder how horribly the EX wife has been treated financially. Is she scrapping by with her “legal” settlement, and is it hard for the kids to watch? The letter doesn’t cover this territory, but the mistress’s tone makes me suspicious.

Loved A Jackass
Loved A Jackass
1 year ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

She wants a bitch cookie for the fact that CheaterDad did more than the minimum.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

You hear that “don’t blame the side piece” bit a lot. It presumes so much and there’s no quippy way to respond to it without blathering on and on about complex moral equations, at least in modern English. But I was sitting in a cafe with a few people talking the new media spin on cheating when a tipsy woman in too much hairspray from the next table leaned over and drawled, “Why do people hate the mistress? They’re not the one who broke vows.” A friend from Argentina started laughing and shared some old Argentine stock response: “No odies a la chancha sino al que la engorda,” or “Don’t hate the pig but the one who fattens it.”

I love some old-timey expressions. People have been wrestling with the same problems for thousands of years and somewhere along the line some village elder got tired of watching everyone wail and untangle skeins and sorted the mess with one blow. Yes, the cheater mentioned in the letter to Hax is being spared some of his adult children’s ire, but that doesn’t mean it’s “unfair” that the AP is being viewed as a rampaging pig that tipped over the trough and is gobbling up the Christmas turkey.

Anyway, the applicable subtext is that when kids are trying to preserve some semblance of a relationship with a cheating parent, this appears to play into the cheater narrative that the kids are “diverting” anger and hurt to the affair partner that’s really the rightful due of the cheater (who can be relied on to flip through the cheater channel of charm/rage/self pity and pawn the guilt off elsewhere). But I think it’s just an illusion that’s only possible to maintain in situations where kids are struggling with their anger at the cheater while not making the same exhausting effort to suppress contempt towards the AP. If it were a situation where kids weren’t stifling their anger at the cheater and openly expressing it, they’d still probably exhibit the same quantity of resentment towards APs.

It’s funny how perpetrators always try to set rations on the emotions of their victims when the same perpetrators claim they couldn’t control the impulses or emotions that drove them to do whatever they did that caused harm. Another mistaken premise in the “don’t blame the side piece” is that the resentment displayed to an AP was all there ever was and should rightfully be capped instead of realizing that what the AP is enduring is just the tip of the iceberg. The cheater may not realize no one forgot who fed the big until they’re withering away in an old age facility and no one comes to visit.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

More Cheater Haiku.

I know what is mine
I know what is not mine too
Cheaters do not care

Loved A Jackass
Loved A Jackass
1 year ago

“It’s funny how perpetrators always try to set rations on the emotions of their victims when the same perpetrators claim they couldn’t control the impulses or emotions that drove them to do whatever they did that caused harm.”

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

“Anyway, the applicable subtext is that when kids are trying to preserve some semblance of a relationship with a cheating parent, this appears to play into the cheater narrative that the kids are “diverting” anger and hurt to the affair partner that’s really the rightful due of the cheater (who can be relied on to flip through the cheater channel of charm/rage/self pity and pawn the guilt off elsewhere).”

Good point. She seems to view herself as a martyr, absorbing wrath that’s due the dad. “If these ingrates weren’t angry with me, they’d be angry with YOU.” In her simple mind, it’s a zero sum game. No doubt she makes this point very clear to the FW, which is probably annoying AF.

Meanwhile, he’s probably thinking: “If it weren’t for you coming into my life, I might still have the wonderful love and attention of my kids. You, AP-wife, are a constant reminder of my cheating. And it’s my cheating that’s gotten me into this mess.”

Perhaps it’s meh-less of me, but it pleases me to think that these cheaters might view each other as unpleasant reminders of their crappy behavior (provided they have any self-awareness and remorse). At the very least, I’m guessing there might be some resentment and distrust that just won’t go away.

They may stay married (or whatever) for the rest of their lives, but that doesn’t mean they are living the dream.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Hah, I didn’t think that far into it and you’re right. If anything, cheaters are blame-shifters and blame-shifters gonna blame-shift whenever consequences loom. Here’s an equivalent scenario: A pair of married thieves get away with a big heist. They both go on manic spending sprees but neither is quite sure which flashy purchase tipped the scale and got the attention of the IRS– the pimped out vintage luxury car or the designer clothing hauls? Fingers start waggling and voices are raised as they both face consequences whether these are in the form of back taxes, an audit or worse.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Zip
Zip
1 year ago

‘His FORMER wife ( I Am The WIFE Now), was treated horribly, with 0 respect, and will to live with the god awful consequences of the abuse we inflicted on her for the rest of her life.
But I want respect now!
It would work for ME, if they could all just move on. I did, even when my cheater was married.

thelongrun
thelongrun
1 year ago

Wow! Two easy days for replies! Today’s reply is pretty much the same as yesterday’s. But instead of going to some anonymous, pathetic cheating male, it’s to Her Majesty The Mistress Now Desperately Trying To Become The Respectable Second Wife. Makes me wonder if the FW XW is going thru something similar. Similar situation, and if she is, same response. Picture Kevin Kline’s character of Otto from the movie A Fish Called Wanda:

ASS-HOLE!!!

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  thelongrun

“Picture Kevin Kline’s character of Otto from the movie A Fish Called Wanda:

ASS-HOLE!!!”
????
I thought I was one of only a few who remembered that and thought that character was one of the funniest things ever.

thelongrun
thelongrun
1 year ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS,

Kevin Kline won his only Academy Award ever as Best Supporting Actor for that character. It certainly was his funniest role, I think.????

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
1 year ago

“Does adultery carry a life sentence? Yes. It does.

Unknowing
Unknowing
1 year ago

Interesting. I’m in the “unknowing” phase. Two kids. D- day was just over 2 years ago. Kids know i detest what the OG did and what their mother did. Not sure how they feel about it. They love their mom which is a good thing. Ex is trying to introduce the OG to the kids. Again, I know nothing about it.

Just trying to be the best dad I can be.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Unknowing

“Just trying to be the best dad I can be.”

That’s all you need to do, Unknowing. So if you’re kids should decide they don’t want to be around the homewrecker, you have every right to insist they not be forced.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
1 year ago

A question to add to “ When will it end?”
Is, “ How did it start?
There is no perfect princess ending to this fairy tale, so take one for the cause, and both of you stay home, wrapped up in your stolen marital bliss!
Looks good on ya!

Coinsets
Coinsets
1 year ago

“ Does adultery carry a life sentence? “
Yes. Yes it does. Enjoy the title, you earned the mill stone around your neck.

Loved A Jackass
Loved A Jackass
1 year ago

The comments on this Hax letter nearly drove me insane. So many people with their notion that an unhappy person can just cheat, lie and back-stab their partner before discarding them–as if all marriage involved with who sleeps with whom and spouses can be changed out on a whim.

Zip
Zip
1 year ago

Yes, that whole “unhappiness“ narrative is ridiculous.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago

A few observations:

1. I largely agree with the takes people have made regarding the OW/wifetress who wrote to Carolyn Hax. She doesn’t get that she doesn’t have the right to be resentful that people are “getting over” seeing her as “the mistress.” Cue sound of world’s tinyest violin playing “My heart bleeds for you.” If I were one of the kids, my response would be “How about never? Is never good for you?”

2. Someone who said they prefer the word “whore” to “mistress” is right on the money. “Mistress” sounds too much like those imaginary scenarios where everyone is French and cheating themselves and shrugs their shoulders while sucking on Gauloises, saying “But what can you do?”

3. I think people are off-base about Carolyn Hax. From what I can discern about the timeline, she and her first husband were separated for 10 months before she got pregnant with the man who became her second husband. I would have to suppose that things got pretty bad in her first marriage before they separated. There’s no evidence that I’m awared that there was any third party (other man or other woman) that sparked that split. And frankly, I think once separation has happened, one should absolutely know that divorce is not only on the table but may be inevitable. One tell is the relief many people feel after separating, which signals what the final outcome (divorce) should be. And among other things going on, Hax’s mother was dying, and Hax wanted to have kids, while her first husband did not. When confronted with imminent premature maternal mortality, that can make the choice of not having kids even more fraught. We don’t know when divorce proceedings were initiated, only when they were final. Presumably, that took some months. Mix in some mild clinical depression (dealing with a fraught marriage and a dying mother). I think the divorce outcome was likely even if Hax had not reconnected with the man who become husband #2.

I don’t like all of Hax’s calls–she occasionally makes ones that I think stink–but I think she makes many good ones. She always comes down squarely on trying to do what is best for kids in a marriage. I learned something from her about having expectations of other people (when they show you who they are, decide if their behavior is okay with you and if not, step away–don’t expect them to change). I personally believe people can change, but rarely do–so I’ll assume someone hasn’t changed unless I see marked and sustained changes in behavior for the better.

So I think it’s unfair to judge Hax so vehemently when we obviously are not privy to all the information about what happened when her marriage ended and she connected with the man who became her second husband. She and her first husband still work together, which presumably means he doesn’t see her as an awful person who must be shunned at all costs. I think that’s significant.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

I still own a business with Traitor X. I have to work with him out of necessity. It remains civil because of me. I can’t speak to their circumstances, but I can say that the fact that they still work together means nothing to me.

I do think anyone soft on a mistress has very likely not been a chump.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

“I do think anyone soft on a mistress has very likely not been a chump.”

Agree. Speaking for me, what I don’t understand and yes get a bit irritated about is the cry that “Whore didn’t make any vows to betrayed wife/husband” Whore owes them nothing, but yet the betrayed is supposed to respect them, not badmouth them etc.

We all know full well that in most cases the ow/om has badmouthed and schemed and plotted right along with the cheater against the betrayed. But hey they didn’t make vows so it’s all good. At least until they are the wife-tress then they start crying for respect.

I personally in real time rarely said anything about whore, because honestly in my fight to survive I didn’t have time to mess with her. I didn’t start making comments until I got on this site, and it was about the time whore and fw blew up his relationship with our son with their nastiness. That is when my fangs came out against her, and that was years after their fuck fest at my expense.

So fuck all the whores, the long, short and tall, fuck them all; and I hope they and the cheaters they rode in on, get all the respect they so richly deserve.

Possible Chump
Possible Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

You are so right about all of this, Susie…I’m so sorry that happened to you.

And I agree. I, too, have a problem with the idea that the AP is never to blame or that they don’t owe the betrayed person anything.
The cheater is the one who is mainly at fault, but that doesn’t absolve the AP of all responsibility.

I hope you are living a wonderful life now!

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Every single one of us makes an implicit vow, by accepting the benefits of living in a society of human beings, that we will not deliberately destroy the lives of other members.
Anybody who violates it no longer has right to enjoy those benefits, including and most especially the expectation of receiving respect and goodwill from others.
If APs and FWs don’t like those terms they are free to go live in a cave, survive on roots and berries, and destroy only each other. Shunning them is as close as we can get to giving them the estrangement from society they surely must want, since they commit anti-social acts.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

“I think people are off-base about Carolyn Hax. From what I can discern about the timeline, she and her first husband were separated for 10 months before she got pregnant with the man who became her second husband.”

Point taken, though it is a suspiciously short time from meeting to baby-making. But I suppose if your clock is ticking, you might want to start that soon. We only know what she says, and if she’s a cheater, she’s lying. We know cheaters often claim a relationship started after their marriage broke up.
But since we can’t prove it, it’s probably best to reserve jusgement.

What bothers me is when people bash her for getting pregnant before she married. CN’s more fanatically religious contingent does things like that upon occasion (rarely, thankfully) and they should be called out when they do.
That might be why some are so hostile towards Hax without proof of her being a cheater.

Personally, I just think she’s not very bright and her column is a bore.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago

Correction in point #1. Second sentence should have said “She doesn’t get that she doesn’t have the right to be resentful that people are NOT “getting over” seeing her as “the mistress.”

Zip
Zip
1 year ago

Mistress” sounds too much like those imaginary scenarios where everyone is French and cheating themselves and shrugs their shoulders while sucking on Gauloises, saying “But what can you do?” ????

Zip
Zip
1 year ago

What part going to a wedding, when you’re a cheater and broke up a marriage or two…..do Fuckwitt’s not find hysterical?

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

“Am I going to be The Mistress forever?

Singular? No. You never were.”

Mic drop.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Good response.

I also thought of:

Am I going to be the mistress forever? No, you are the wife now, the job of mistress will be/is being filled by someone else now.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago

My comment to the post:

The kids can “re-estrange” their father [a comment on Hax’s comment to the LW]? Their father is the one who caused the estrangement. He blew up their family. And although, yes, the one who is most responsible is the father, this self-named mistress helped.

It never ceases to amaze me that those whose actions dissolve long term bonds seem to thing there’s a short statute of limitations on the consequences for their actions.

The kids don’t have to actively “resent” the mistress “to their graves.” But they can in establishing healthy boundaries for themselves continue to refuse to engage with the former mistress, now wifetress. Whatever their father does in response is not up to them; you don’t control others’ behavior by your own actions.

(I wouldn’t be at all surprised if the kids felt the father’s “extreme financial generostiy-his attempt to buy his way back into their affections–was a fair exchange for his nuking their family.)