UBT: Other Woman Sorry for Not Being Able to Undo Past
It’s been over 7 years since D-Day and the Other Woman reached out to say she’s sorry, she cannot undo the past and she understands that her presence is too much to bear.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I have a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator. It’s a note I just received from FW’s affair partner, now wife.
Some background: I’m an unsuccessful chump in that I am definitely NOT HEALED and it’s been about 7 years since D-Day.
I have NOT gone on to have an amazing chump life and my FW and his HoWife have become a true power couple.
FW and AP were work colleagues. She was married as well, and we both had 2 kids in the toddler age range, of 2 to 4. We used to hang out as couples together with our kids and have dinner and pool parties. She was (and is) younger (by about 4 years), prettier, skinnier and blonder than me. She would always wear skimpy bikinis when we were at her pool, which I thought was weird around co-workers, but whatever.
Anyway, FW and I planned on and succeeded in getting pregnant with our third baby in 2018 and shortly after I found out about the affair. The shock and awe was so great that I lost the baby.
FW used every excuse in the book, including the fact that he thought I wasn’t Catholic enough. And AP was the one who could help him raise his kids to love God and also that she was “the woman who supported him throughout his father’s death.” Also, I was a bad housekeeper. (Despite the fact I had 2 toddlers and a 65+ hour/week job). I breastfed my second baby for too long (which woke FW up too much during the night and thereby proved I didn’t care about him while his father was dying). And I didn’t call his mother enough. He didn’t like my parenting style (I “coddled the children”) while AP was the most perfect example of motherhood since the Blessed Mary herself. (Minus the virgin part, obviously, since they were also doing parking lot blowjobs during lunch).
Mind you, none of this was brought up before the affair.
In fact, he told me that he never thought about divorce until he met this one amazing woman that he couldn’t say away from.
Ultimately, the force was too strong. He couldn’t decide between us. She was his soulmate.
He agreed to stop seeing her and we went to marriage counseling where he gaslit and continued to lie to both me and her. (He told her the third pregnancy was an accident but we were intentionally trying). Because, of course, he didn’t stop seeing her. He just took it underground and continued to try to convince her to leave her husband for him. Which she eventually did.
Now they are married and in an amazing, big house with a pool.
They both got better jobs and make more money than I could ever dream of. They are in extremely good health, have time to workout, travel and continue to look good. (She is still younger than me, dammit, even though she’s had birthdays since D-Day. The gap remains. Also much skinnier).
They hobnob with the jet set and her kids get to go to a super expensive private school where they excel. They literally got all the best things in life and I’m sure they both vibrate with joy whenever they think about the amazing decision they made to destroy their families, because it worked out so well for them.
Meanwhile, my life is just OK and I still can never get over the hurt of this and how my family was ripped away from me. I do find being a single parent hard, even still. I feel like I sacrificed everything as a woman to birth and raise this man’s children (body, health, time, all the pain, my career, etc) and he didn’t care or appreciate my sacrifices or his commitment at all. He found a better deal and just bounced. I was treated like garbage or shit on the bottom of his shoe.
Anywhooooo – D-Day was 2018! We finally divorced in 2020 after TWO YEARS of him lying to me, me pick me dancing and him continuing to tell me he was done with her. (Until I would repeatedly find more evidence).
He never properly apologized.
And I never heard a word from the AP ever again . . . until . . .
My daughter wants her 11th birthday party at FW’s pool. I told FW I didn’t want that bitch there and he resisted, saying, “It’s her house on a Saturday night. You will just have to avoid each other.”
So I told my daughter I loved her and wanted her to have a good day so I would go and be normal and polite.
Now . . .
I just got this note from AP, whom I haven’t heard a peep from since 2018:
Dear []
I want to first acknowledge how sorry I am for the situation we are in. I am deeply regretful for causing you so much pain that I know can never be undone.
I know I can’t undo the past but I am focused on being a loving and supportive figure to [kid 1] and [kid 2]. I want them to know that I care about them and support them for important milestones in their lives.
However, I know how hard it must be for you to be hosting your daughter’s birthday party at my house. While I do want to be there for [kid 1], I don’t want this to be miserable for you so I will plan to take my parents out to dinner to give you space at the party to enjoy [kid 1] and her friends. Please let me know if there is anything else I can have at the house for you to make your time more comfortable. I asked [kid 1] and [kid 2] what you liked to drink but they didn’t know, so please let me know if there is any type of wine or food I can have for you at the party.
UBT, what do you think?
Can you read anything into this note? To me it’s waaaay too little, way too late and she definitely doesn’t care about the kids because she destroyed their family. So, no, she still sucks.
Any insight you can provide would be most appreciated.
Best,
Not Over It
***
Dear Not Over It,
Yeah, my insight is that you need to stop giving this woman so much mental real estate. Not only for your sanity, but because Schmoopie feeds on the psychic energy of her centrality. Your problem is you both agree that she’s really important.
I’m not saying she doesn’t suck. She sucks.
Other columnists would tell you your ex is the problem, not her. She didn’t make a vow to you, have babies with you, yada yada. No, she totally conspired in your abuse. And I absolutely understand and validate your anger. At him, at her, at the entire clusterfuck of investing your life in a fraud. Been there, done that, have the blog.
What I utterly reject, however, is your continued pick me dance.
She’s not better than you, she didn’t win, unless you agree with two FW’s metric.
STOP COMPARING YOURSELF!
She was (and is) younger (by about 4 years), prettier, skinnier and blonder than me.
So is Pam Bondi. And she’s an amoral fuckwit running our country into the ground, so I really don’t give a shit what she looks like in a bikini.
See how that works?
I judge her ACTIONS (destroying the Rule of Law) and her CHARACTER (corrupt).
Let’s do you.
The Wifetress is blonde and beautiful.
So what? Judge her actions (cheating, lying, conspiring) and her character (corrupt).
Do you aspire to be an amoral fuckwit? If the Devil appeared at the crossroad and said he’d give you blonde hair and a bikini bod if you fucked over your family for a swimming pool, would you do it?
Remember who you are.
These people are not enviable. Yes, they have the trappings of a “better” life. It might be that they’re deliriously happy in that shallow way FWs are. (Until the next shiny thing beckons.) Or it might be that their life is a hologram of impression management. If you think kids who go to private schools aren’t socially maladjusted, you haven’t met anyone who’s gone to private school.
My point is, know your values. Then assess the situation with that lens. You don’t respect the Other Woman or your ex, ergo, you don’t envy them. These aren’t your kind of people. Ergo, you don’t want to be around them.
Not wanting to be around them is rooted then, not in your trauma (OMG! It’s the ALL POWERFUL SPARKLETWAT!) but in your values. I do not associate with fuckwits. That’s your credo.
Be true to it, because wanting the validation from the outside world — whether it’s skinniness, swimming pools, or friends-with-your-ex bonhomie — will make you miserable.
YOU DECIDE YOUR WORTH.
My daughter wants her 11th birthday party at FW’s pool. I told FW I didn’t want that bitch there and he resisted, saying, “It’s her house on a Saturday night. You will just have to avoid each other.”
Your ex was absolutely correct. It’s their home. She doesn’t have to vacate her home. You’re divorced, you have separate lives. Your daughter isn’t being disloyal by wanting a birthday party at her dad’s house. But that’s the point at which you must exit the scene and decide if you want to be a guest at their party (eat the shit sandwich), or not go (also a valid choice, rooted in your I Don’t Associate With FWs credo).
If your ex is a coparent, he can organize a child’s birthday party. Schmoopie is irrelevant.
Is it awkward? Sure. Divorce and coparenting are often incredibly awkward. So are hostage drop offs. Instead:
You chose the pick the dance.
New battleground: child’s birthday party. Who will vacate the arena? Schmoopie will, and take her trophy of centrality. And for an afternoon, you’ll pretend to do what? Be a hostess at a party at your ex’s house? Pretend like you’re still a couple to the kids? Let the world know that Schmoopie completely unnerves you?
If there is anyway to undo this mess, I would be the person to vacate the arena and leave them to the party. If your child wonders why you aren’t there, be true to your values. I don’t do things with your dad and Schmoopie. We aren’t friends.
And be matter of fact about this. Divorced people do things separately. It’s NO BIG DEAL, unless you make it a big deal.
Again, I’m not saying what you went through wasn’t traumatic. It absolutely was. I’m saying that is your pain to work though. It’s not your child’s job to accommodate your trauma. Your job is to have strong boundaries (which is how we accommodate our trauma).
“No thanks, Sweetie. I’m going to skip the pool party, but we can have ice cream on Thursday, okay?”
Now then, to the UBT.
The Other Woman is sorry. So sorry!
I want to first acknowledge how sorry I am for the situation we are in.
What situation is that? The vague unnamed situation. I’m as sorry as I am specific.
I am deeply regretful for causing you so much pain that I know can never be undone.
I am deeply gratified to know I am so powerful.
YOU’LL NEVER GET OVER ME!
Because the prize I won — a cheating fuckwit and his great ambivalent love — is worth having. My pool is very chlorinated! And we have inflatable unicorn floats and everything!
I know I can’t undo the past
If only I could rotate the planet backwards like Superman and reverse time. To that fateful day in the copier room, where I noticed the cut of his trousers. And made a salacious remark. Alas.
I cannot undo the past. Everyone expects me to bend time and I’m only human. I acknowledge, that yes, I am powerful, but I’m not undoing laws of physics powerful.
but I am focused on being a loving and supportive figure to [kid 1] and [kid 2]. I want them to know that I care about them and support them for important milestones in their lives.
Just like I support my own children by paying your children’s private school tuition. Oops! No. I mean like, the way I wrecked their intact family. Oops! No again. Okay, what kind of snacks do you want at this party?
However, I know how hard it must be for you to be hosting your daughter’s birthday party at my house.
It must be so hard for you to compare my fabulous home to your hovel and despair. Did I mention my unicorn float?
While I do want to be there for [kid 1], I don’t want this to be miserable for you
I so want this to be miserable for you.
so I will plan to take my parents out to dinner to give you space at the party to enjoy [kid 1] and her friends.
I am the sort of magnificent person who takes her parents out to dinner. Family first! Unless it’s your family, in which case I’ll fuck your husband. But anyway, enjoy your space IN MY HOME. WITH ALL MY THINGS. BEHOLD MY KINGDOM.
Please let me know if there is anything else I can have at the house for you to make your time more comfortable.
Xanax? A therapy support animal?
I asked [kid 1] and [kid 2] what you liked to drink but they didn’t know, so please let me know if there is any type of wine or food I can have for you at the party.
What do poor single mothers eat? Twinkies? Ramen? Gruel?
I’m just here to buy snacks and fail to understand your hostility. But whatever your lingering, bitter resentment, it can’t be so bad that you won’t swim in my pool.
Kisses!
OW
This really resonates with me. I honestly think you should not go to the FW house for the party. I know it is such a shit sandwich, BUT how freaking awful will it be at their home!
You can do something special with your daughter for her birthday, spa day anyone? If you don’t make a huge deal of not being there, no guilt or blame, she will be ok. Don’t let schmoopie be the martyr.
I agree so much with all of this and will add, the last thing she needs is to spend the day at what is probably a really nice house. She already is struggling with the unfairness of what they have materially that she doesn’t.
And it’s not like she is missing quality time with her kid. The kid is going to be having a great time with her FRIENDS. Mo can plan her own special day with the daughter, and then the daughter gets two fun birthday events. And yeah, then the AP doesn’t get to play the “Look how uinderstanding I am” card. If she was so understanding ashe wouldn’t have pursued a married man with kids.
Yeah, even back in the day I would not have gone to that party. In fact I didn’t go to a couple events simply because I don’t associate with those kind of folks. I did go to grand kids graduations etc. But no partying otherwise. I usually took my grand kids out for our own celebration.
I know grand kids are different than kids, but I just wouldn’t go.
Susie Lee, not even for grandkids did I attend X/ OW parties. We did our own or I just did 1:1 with grands and still do. My adult children knew from toddlerhood that for my mental sobriety, I HAD to limit contact with wealthy X and OW/ W. There is only so much manure I could digest, and walking into his barn was not my idea of fun. Plus my X loves kibbles and the more woman who flounce around him, fight over his pool or house or restaurant choices or who has what or WHO HAS HIM..all the better for centrality. A harem is often the goal…and that did not and does not, include me.
Oh I didn’t for grand kids either. (aside from graduations) I just meant it is likely easier to separate the grand kids events than kids. My son was grown before my Dday. I went to one Bday party for my grand kids that the fw and whore were attending. It was a skating party my son hosted. I dropped by, said hi and happy Bday to grands, and walked out the other door.
Like that👆..amen and amen. It just kept me sane. Enough pain is served with hostage drop offs etc..no need to walk into it. ESPECIALLY since cheaters LOVE to have 2 or more to tango. I’m out of the equation. Period.
What the crap? If it isn’t bad enough that the OW (and it doesn’t matter that she won and married the TURD prize, she will always be the OW) helped to destroy this woman’s life and traumatize her, OW just can’t help but show what a shallow, pernicious POS she is! Her centrality knows no bounds! How narcissistic can you be? I think this woman should opt out and be matter of fact explaining it to her kid like Tracy said, “I don’t hang out with the ex and I will do something later with you for your birthday”. When the child is older, she can tell them what their dad-turd and homewrecker did, again, matter-of-factly, and that she doesn’t conspire or hang out with people like that based on her own personal values. Sage advice from Tracy, as always!
👆agree👆👆👆👆
So cheating ex complained that he thought I wasn’t Catholic enough. And AP was the one who could help him raise his kids to love God.
Hilarious. The cheating OW is more moral, er, Catholic, and a better religious guide?
If FW got a better job with better money, I hope you went or go back to court to get better child support. Wifetress can afford trips, her/their big house, and private school for her kids. Is she also getting child support from the ex she cheated on? Is the private school a day school or are her kids away at boarding school, and how does that disparity impact your kids?
Sounds like this is the first time daughter has asked to have her party at their home. Presumably you managed the invitations, food and location for previous parties. If the party is at his home this year, he should take on all those responsibilities. Let him have a turn managing all of it, and sink or swim on his own. Could be Wifetress is vacating the field so she doesn’t have to manage the party, or face potential scowls from other parents who are not thrilled by homewreckers.
At 11, the guests’ parents probably won’t stay. You don’t have to play happy families by cohosting or even attending. Or you can choose to go, with your older, wiser and less blond head held high. It could be that the only person comparing you and the OW on the basis of looks and age is you. Compared on the moral scale of honesty, integrity and fidelity, you’re the clear winner.
BTW, if you do go, leave by the end of the party, and leave all the cleanup to the host.
I’m not Catholic, but from what I know about Catholic doctrine, Catholics aren’t supposed to remarry after divorce. Unless the prior marriage is annulled before the next marriage.
Doesn’t the Church consider remarried Catholics to be living in adultery? And they aren’t allowed to take Communion?
So how can the side piece be a “better” Catholic? This is making my head hurt.
“Could be Wifetress is vacating the field so she doesn’t have to manage the party, or face potential scowls from other parents who are not thrilled by homewreckers.”
Good catch GoodFriend
It sucks that they did this to you, you are a victim of their lying, manipulations, and cruel behaviors. At the same time, you have allowed two vapid and pathetic people to have centrality in your life for seven years. What has the bitterness and centrality given you?
My life on paper looks like trash compared to the ex, but I would not trade it another day to be married to someone like her; I have freedom the life and a possible partner again. Does anger and bitterness rise on occasion? Yes. But I have learned to redirect and realize that it’s okay to feel this from time to time, that is part of healing.
I would say to block her and only communicate with the ex; you owe her nothing. I hope you’ll find your mighty self one day and let these two choads out your mind.
DON’T GO.
My heart breaks💔 and bleeds for you NOI🩸!!!! I had the same scenario as you EXCEPT I despised my cheater and OW /W and did NOTHING with them except… over the next 18 years only graduations and 2 weddings. When I called cheaters big house I asked OW to put cheater on the phone for co parenting issues. She was a Non- entity and STILL IS 35 years later. I did not dance, grovel, beg or flirt with cheater. I lost 2 babies during his lying affairs..and the 3rd baby lived to become devoted to him yes the cheater. But all that has to be ok because I had a thousand fewer manure sandwiches to choke down
I lived MY LIFE and did not cojoin anything..separated all parties and all activities. This kept me sane. What you are doing will not let you heal, get to meh not allow you to move on forever. You cannot heal because your self respect waa abdicated by 2 creeps you still go belly up for.You are a rotating satellite 🛰 to their love rhombus and they are delighting in your discomfort and torture. I have to say this because Tracy taught me well. I am betting they send all the kids to a private school that teaches VALUES such as all the THOU SHALT NOTS.This is outrageous and I feel your sorrow. You have zero control over them, you have only control over you. Get the help you need and be the mighty you are. Listen to Tracy and CN. It’s the only way. Go get better!! ((Hugs from me..to you.))
Great advice…do not go. Keep the parties separate… This by far worked the best for me, now 11 years out.. Just kept everything separate. Don’t even talk anymore.
I am also a veteran of the Catholic psychodrama where husband (cradle Catholic) insisted that we marry Catholic and raise kids Catholic and where he was all aflutter with winning the argument (of what faith we would live) when I converted, but (despite the specific teachings about not replacing your wife with a younger woman) husband seems to find some way to break all the rules he claimed to agree to, betray you in the profoundest of ways and still convinces himself that he is a great guy and devoted Catholic.
Sorry for the run-in sentence…there is a lot of shininess to get into one idea.
I was told that I was both “too holy” and “too sinful” and that I was a terrible wife because I didnt have 7 children for him but it was OK to leave the 3 I managed to birth. One of his rationalizations was that me and the kids were SUCH good Catholics, we were Cheaters “gift to the Church” so it was OK for him to metaphorically set us on the altar and go off with Schmoopy.
He left for 18 months (where he swore he was not involved with Schmoops) but after he died, I learned not only was he playing house with her then, but there were many more before her. Im getting ahead of myself though…he returned but delivered a very specific Catholic mind-fuck. He insisted that we weren’t really married because he was so reluctant on our wedding day that his consent on that day was invalid and he could divorce me at anytime and get annulment. I was (at the time) so deeply devoted to living my faith according to the letter of the law, I begged him to convalidate our wreckonsiled marriage but in Cheater Fashion, he refused. I was left living in a bizarre Marriage Limbo where I was told I wasn’t actually married to him but couldn’t get married to another because I would have to divorce Cheater and get an annulment first.
I so wanted to live a true Catholic marriage but he made that impossible. That went on for a while until one day (right after an anniversary where he wailed about his misery) I told God that if there was a place where Cheater might be happy, I release him to go to that place. I thought Cheater would move to California, not Purgatory.
All that said, Catholic divorce and remarriage has levels of complexity (and betrayal) layered on top of the normal destruction and betrayal.
My healing from all this trauma has been slow – 20 years since the worst of “Im in love with Susan of Seattle” and years after his death, I still come here to process the magnitude of it all. I say that to show real compassion at your pain this many years in.
I think that CL gave you some good suggestions on how to navigate these tough waters while not putting yourself in a place to have needless pain inflicted on you. Create good times with your kids in your home and let them have time with their dad and his wifetress in ways that dont create a shit-sandwich for you.
At the time of my drama, OW was single, young and pretty with smooth Asian hair (in contrast to the greying frizzy mess I argued with daily. I know what it felt to consider myself less-than her, but I was wrong. I am rather awesome in how I have chosen to stay true to myself, my faith and raising my kids. I dont have to push down guilty feelings of pain I have caused others to live my life as I wished.
My feelings about it all have changed so much, I often shock myself. I really really thought that the worst thing that could happen was for him to leave me and marry Susan. I would be stuck watching them cuddle at graduations and such. What was worse was to watch my kids deeply grieve their father’s death. At my daughter’s college graduation, I actually realized that I would have preferred to have him and Susan sitting a respectable distance from me ready to cheer when her name was announced…
…but those are my feelings. You are allowed to feel however you wish about your life. I honor whatever that is. You took a massive kick in the teeth and it’s ok to admit to yourself how awful it was (and still is). You will hear from us to not compare yourself with amoral cheaters and to live your best life and be kind to yourself.
I did find that the long arc of my experience showed that God did not prevent my pain but was with me during it and that I ended up with a lovely new life that I treasure and that He did have me – al along – in the palm of His hand.
Ah, yes. The self comparison.
Me: Robustly built, mostly Northern European descent. Blue eyes and frizzy brunette hair.
Her: Korean, enough said and almost ten years younger than him to be sure that there was extra insult to injury.
I spent some time in self pity comparison land. Until I realized that although I would never be petite, with an even complexion and sleek, flowing hair, I would also never be disloyal, manipulative, and untrustworthy.
There’s a study titled “Narcissistic men and women think they’re so hot… but they are not” that found that, though narcissists typically self-report as being more attractive than average, objective independent assessment of unadorned photos (without makeup and not showing hairstyles) reported the opposite.
The study concluded that using self-reporting on “mate value” and attractiveness in research is highly unreliable which is kind of funny because most previous studies on narcissists or cheaters and/or mate poachers (same diff since most research on the latter declares them be be high in narcissism) have used self reports on attractiveness to determine that these types are, in fact, more attractive than average and have higher mate value. So the study basically negates that finding in previous research. Then the authors conjecture on whether the fact that narcissists tend to cosmetically adorn themselves more elaborately than average might lead some narcs to believe their own hype because they manage to fool people.
But I also think there’s some kind of”spellbinding” effect that narcissists rely on to sustain their own illusions of being more attractive and one way to create this effect is to victimize people– break their hearts. I even suspect it’s one of the reasons cheaters and poachers love to betray: because, through the lens of trauma and having their self esteem decimated, victims may see cheaters as more sparkly and desirable than they actually are, at least in comparison to how badly victims are made to feel about themselves.
But, with time, distance and healing, illusions like that tend to fade so abusers typically have to go find more victims in order to experience that brief shining moment of glory when some deeply hurt and injured party actually thinks the betrayers are all that and a bag of chips.
Please don’t go. I spent so much time rising to occasions, being the bigger person, sucking it up. And this was before I figured out that wasband was a serial “emotional” cheater. Looking back now, I see that I had a serious lack of boundaries. And in the end all of my “stepping up” did nothing but make me feel less worthy and appreciated.
People who lie, decieve, and manipulate are disordered. The basis of “Trust That They Suck”. This was the most difficult concept for me to grasp. My wasband is disordered. He may go on to live a fabulous life of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. But wherever he goes, there he is.
“My wasband is disordered. He may go on to live a fabulous life of champagne wishes and caviar dreams. But wherever he goes, there he is.”
This was something that it took me so long to fully grasp. I trusted that he sucked. I knew what we had was not acceptable to me. But very, very recentlysomething occured to me. So things didn’t woek out with AP, then he was moved ouyt and foiunfd a new partner, niot an AP as we were separated, but we weren’t divorced and they were immediately “extremely serious”. They recently broke up after one year. And I heard reports that he was immediately back on the dating apps and had already seen multiple women.
And it just suddenly occurred to me, if you are 50 years old, and you overlapped your “soul mate” relationship with your marriage for a few years, then immediately dove into another serious relationship when that ended, (not yet actually divorced! finalizes this summer) and then THAT ends and you still take no time alone, and are back to dating and I am certain the minute someone decent pops up, he’ll be lovebombing her and again, “very serious”… that is someone that is terrified to be alone for 5 minutes. He needed so mch validation that a wife and family wasn’t enough, he need the AP too. That is simply who he is. As you said, wherever he goes, there he is. He is looking for the woman who can make his miserable ass happy. Well, I spent decades giving up myself, piece by piece, trying to do that and he was still miserable. There isn’t a magical woman that can wave a wand and do that. “The misery is coming from inside the house”.
He makes a lot of money. He can afford vacations, and dinners out, fancy clothes, a luxury car. And yet, he’s still miserable. When he gets behind the wheel of that car, he is still in his miserable body.
There isn’t enough money in the world to make me want to live the rest of my life with that albatross of misery around my neck even if it meant that I would not be worried about money. Occasionally I feel like the OP here, it’s “unfair” that I’m now in my 50s worrying about finances that were once fine, better than fine. But I don’t envy his life because he can’t even enjoy his financial freedom. His life is hollow and empty and whatever woman has the misfortunate to find him next will be shiny for awhile until she isn’t.
I’m so sorry for your pain, and believe me, I get it. I don’t think you should go to the party, it will do nothing but cause you more pain.
For what it’s worth, when I was with Pennywise, we had the amazing big house with the pool, but Pennywise came with all that, and I was miserable. “Stuff” means nothing. Look around, there are people worth millions and own multiple mansions, and they cannot find happiness, because they are empty inside and cannot sustain a real relationship with anyone, nor do they understand empathy or love for another. So do not let yourself see those things as any kind of indication of your worth. They are not.
Now I’m financially struggling and living in a crappy basement apartment while I wait for a court date to get my settlement, and I still have some very difficult days, because Pennywise is dragging out this divorce as long as possible, and I’m still legally married to him. But I have good days too, and I know that once this is finally over, I can truly begin to heal.
Wish your daughter a great day at her pool party and send her off with a smile. Do something fun to celebrate her birthday just the two of you. Extra presents for her! Then have a good cry once she’s gone, if you need to, then do something nice for yourself that day, to take your mind off the fuckwit.
Like CL says to us all, KNOW YOUR WORTH!!!
Big hugs
I live in a very small house. No room for slumber parties with more than one or two girls. For a few years, we had Hotel Sleepovers for my daughter’s birthday. We booked a two-bedroom hotel room at an inexpensive local hotel with a pool. I stayed in one bedroom and the kids had the other bedroom. They swam in the pool and buffet breakfast was included. The kids loved it. It was an exciting adventure for them. I didn’t have to clean my house before or after. And one year when an overindulgent child threw up pizza and juice, it was not my carpet! Her friends looked forward to it every year.
Win win win all around.
I offer this as a suggestion for anyone here interested in a neutral alternative location for hosting a birthday party.
As for today’s situation, I would personally not be going.
I would respect what my child wants to do, and on my own manage my pain and anger around it without burdening my child with it.
I’d ask my child if they wanted to plan a celebration with me.
I’ve never seen a cheater or side piece who is even remotely cognizant of the grief and trauma the children feel when their family gets nuked by infidelity. What I usually see is that the children are treated like houseplants with no feelings who are ordered to be happy for the cheating parent, accept the side piece, and act as if everything is a-ok.
It never occurs to the cheaters that, for the involved children, the fancy new house is not a good thing but a painful in-their-face reminder of profound loss.
I have to wonder how much of this situation is about the child actually wanting the party at her dad’s house or having to accept the party at her dad’s house because she is trying to navigate the godawful loyalty issues foisted on children by cheating parents.
I hope you left generous tips for housekeeping!
I called the front desk immediately and covered the area with a thick layer of towels. Though grateful it was not my carpet, I was mortified and did not want the housekeeping staff to suffer because I was a housekeeper myself for many years. The child had asked me if I had a bowl. A bowl? It took me a minute to figure out she was asking for something to throw up in but by then it was too late! ☹️
Parent’s houses are emotionally charged places.
Think ahead and suggest a birthday celebration in neutral territory…that mitigates the power imbalance, both parents can attend and the child is taken out of the middle.
Not my idea, BTW. I learned the Neutral Territory tool decades ago from a trusted beloved excellent therapist.
I definitely do not take advice about how to handle situations from people who have proven their ineptitude, and that goes double for cheaters and side pieces.
Bingo!
This child is always going to be wondering how she can please Daddy so he doesn’t abandon her as well. Sadly this frequently carries over to her choices in boyfriends and husband. That is their “situation” recognized or not.,
My oldest is a teen and they have serious trust issues. They don’t trust ANYONE but me. I hate it. It puts so much pressure on me to always be the truth-telling paragon of fairness, which obv, isn’t a bad thing entirely. Being truthful with your kids is good! But there is a limit to what I will say to them on the subject of their father. And that sometimes gets sticky. I also think it is terrible that they don’t fully trust their friends. I have very good friends that I trust with my lie, so I just try to show my kids that there are plenty of good, honest people out there. Maybe in time, they will learn to be trusting.
That’s not guaranteed, not if the chump parent helps said child develop ethical, philosophical and political immunity against being groomed by abusers. My daughter was especially immune to any attempt by FW to brainwash her after D-Day and she was highly influential to her brothers.
I swear I didn’t plan it just so my kids would turn on FW when his double life was exposed but, out of natural maternal instincts to help my kids develop radars for danger and gain political sensibility, I’ve been feeding their little heads with political and ethical object lessons since they could speak in sentences.
I think it was actually necessary as a form of mental and emotional protection because one of my sons has a learning disability and not only he but also, by extension, all the kids sometimes faced brutal social rejection (even by extended family– ugh, heartbreaking) because some shitty people don’t like being around disability. I wanted my children to deeply understand that this kind of behavior is no reflection on the kids’ actual value but only a reflection of the low character of the perpetrators.
I also swear I don’t foist this stuff on my kids and torture them with boring moral sermons or psychobabble. They actually request it and constantly fire questions at me about why public figures and regular people do the horrible things they do to the point that I sometimes have to study up in order to keep up with the demands for “discourse.” They also find a lot of it hysterically funny. I hear a lot of Epstein island and Andrew Tate jokes over dinner and the kids laugh themselves sick.
Anyway, this was all FW’s very bad luck because, when the kids discovered his fuckwittery, they immediately nailed him to the wall. There was simply no chance for him to rationalize his behavior because the kids were able to call him on every single hypocrisy. But, even if he wanted to, he could never falsely accuse me with “parental alienation” because the way the kids acquired the sensibility to see his behavior as wrong and vile was not because I’d been undercutting or demonizing him in some personalized way but merely part of their comprehensive social education.
Great parenting skills for the win!
Why thank you. 😉 But I honestly can’t take full credit because these whippersnappers are sharp as tacks. I don’t dare contradict myself since they remember every word I ever said. Like my lame and incorrect attempt to call the last election a year and a half ago which I’d really prefer to deny.
So, this might not be popular and I’ve had people argue that it’s very unhealthy and that it’s avoidant, yada yada yada. But the thing is I went through a pretty brutal childhood and I’m able to trust people and have healthy relationships. I later found out I was married to a pedophile and lost my whole life and everybody in it except for three people, and I’m still able to trust and build healthy relationships again, just five years out from that. So I feel like my method works.
I’ll give an example of what I do. So, I could not have a regular wedding when I got married. If I had a wedding, my parents would have ruined it and made it hell. I knew that. But if I didn’t invite them, the rest of both sides of my family would have lost their minds and it would have been hell. So I couldn’t have one. Oh, that’s not fair. I should have one anyways! Yeah, no. I’ve known people in similar situations who did that and it was hell. Reality does not change because it is proven unfair. That reality is still going to be there the whole time. In dealing with my parents I embraced the concept of radical acceptance. This is what they are. I can’t change them, I can’t use any type of negotiation to change reality. I can’t shake it and turn it upside down and pretend it’s ok for a minute because it’s not. It’s never going to be.
I can only control me and what I do. I can live in the dramatic hell of nightmarishly disordered people or I can choose to not have a normal, family wedding and just do a small little ceremony with a couple friends. I’ve had a lot of these instances in my life and it comes down to prioritizing values. Do I value the appearance of fairness, which frankly is not reality, and photo opportunities (also not reality) or do I value my peace? And for me peace has won and I think that’s why I’m generally a really happy, upbeat person even though I’ve been through some really bad stuff.
In this case, I would not host a birthday party at the ex’s house. She wants her party there, her father can handle that. I would do something with my daughter for her birthday just the two of us, or let her have a slumber party at home or something. I’d keep it separate and not go near their home. I would not respond to the OW. Now, I’ve been called petty for this behavior. A shrug, a smile, and a “sorry but I’m still not going.” is about the extent of my f*cks to give about it. People will talk but they were going to talk anyways. Your daughter will not be damaged by her father hosting her birthday party at his home. If he refuses, well… that’s a learning experience for your daughter about who her dad really is. You still don’t have to be at their home. There’s no good reason for it.
I agree completely with this approach and think it’s totally healthy. I think there are high occasions where chumps can eat shit sandwiches and endure an ex, and your child’s wedding rises to that occasion. But most things do not. The societal Friends With Your Ex narrative is so ingrained, but we must resist it. And be secure in our sanity and boundaries. The anxiety comes from the pressure to eat the shit sandwich of impression management and pronounce it delicious. Your method avoids the shit sandwich buffet all together.
“The societal Friends With Your Ex narrative is so ingrained, but we must resist it. ”
Obviously some divorced people CAN be friendly-ish. And I think those rare examples are where the idea comes from. But if the marriage ended due to one person being a disodered, abusive, cheating FW all bets are off. There is just nothing to work with. And why would you WANT to?
I was out with some women last week, my cousin and some mutual frimds I hadn’t seen in ages. They didn’t know about my impendign divorce They got the extremely condensed, 3 sentence version and were now aware that thinghs were pretty bad between my STBX and I.
My cousin has been divorced for maybe 20 years. One woman turned to her and asked “But you get along well with your ex, right?” And I swear there was a hint of smugness* when she replied “yes.”
Well, they broke up for VERY different reasons. They lived completely adverse lifestyles, she wanted to be out and sicoal all the time, he prefered the quiet of home. Neither was wrong, but they were jsut a terrible fit in that way and it cused a real gulf between them.
He had always been the beadwiner because she was always trying new careers, when they split he didn’t put up the least bit of a fight, he agreed to pay her alimony for years, left the whole house to her, and continued to be a supportive person in her life. All by choice. They had no kids.
Of course THEY get along. What’s not to like there? In the meantime I spent a good year of my life worried my husband would kill me to make a smooth transition to AP, and STILL am not sure he won’t come back in a rage because I “got away”.
*in fairness, she may not have been being smug in that moment and I may have just read into it because that is a sensitive topic for me. But she has had an air of arrogance about this at times, like she is so above all that drama. As if Chumps are just drama queens
I want them to know that I care about them and support them for important milestones in their lives.
You celebrate D-day in your house? That was a pretty important milestone in their lives: the day their family came crashing down.
Honestly I’m just struggling to imagine the conversations you’d be having with the parents of your daughter’s friends. “What a lovely house your replacement has!”
This sounds to me like the WORST birthday party ever!
Not Over It,
You need to go a bit easier on yourself and give yourself permission to say “I’m sorry, but that doesn’t work for me” once in a while.
LFTT
It’s all u fair, but it is what it is I can tell you that it is forever to some extent. My marriage ended after 30 years. My children are adults. My daughter would embrace other woman for her dad . My son will never, but FW is not in either of their lives and it is painful for them.
So, just know that not having a parent ( even when they have done so much damage) is worse. Let him have the party. She asked for it. I’m sure she wants it there to impress her friends. She will get older. She will see and understand who truly holds the values she should embrace and aspire.
Don’t go. If you want to drive her over and walk in and drop off a gift on a table and wave as you’re leaving… well, that might just give you a little power back. Sure I can step into this situation. I can also choose to not stay.
I would respond to OW. If you don’t I feel it will just become another gossip aspect to happen. I would respond that daughter has chose to have the party there and there is no reason for anyone to not be there that wants to be there.
I would only respond to that.
“but I am focused on being a loving and supportive figure to [kid 1] and [kid 2]. I want them to know that I care about them and support them for important milestones in their lives.”
This is a sly little implication that Not Over It isn’t focused on being supportive to the kids but is instead focused on OW. Her passive aggression would tell me this woman is a walking nightmare even if I didn’t know she was such an outrageous fuckwit. She must be creaming herself over the centrality.
NOI, what I don’t understand is why you think they “vibrate with joy” simply because they have money and status. As CL says, those are *their* values. Don’t internalize them and make them your values. If you could stop using a faulty yardstick and comparing your life to theirs, you could find you own joy, which would be authentic. It’s about living your values, on your own terms and the self respect and deep contentment that comes from that. You need to work on that. It’s been seven years since Dday (same for me) so it’s time to stop letting these two take up so much space in your head. I know being a single mom is hard, but there are positives to it. Your relationship with your kids is much deeper and fuller than Fuckwit’s could ever be, for example. You don’t have to answer to a partner about how you spend your time and money, for another example. It’s time to let go and leave OW and FW to their shallow values while you build yours stronger and get busy creating the kind of life you want. That means doing the mental work of ridding yourself of this misplaced envy. A FW is not enviable. No matter what the surface trappings of their lives are, FWs fundamentally suck as human beings.
This all sounds horrible.
On the bright side, you have an apology coming from your 11 year old one of these days. See below. Not that it will be of much consolation in the short term.
I see things like this and the solace I take on your behalf is that a reckoning is coming. It sounds like there are two sets of kids that are going to have to get “the talk” someday when everybody is older and understands better. And hoo boy is the fuckwit and Schmoopie going to have some ‘splaining to do.
Kids aren’t dumb. They pick up on things. Eventually, they are going to start dating and falling in love and having hormones and sex and co-signed leases. They’re going to question the “and then suddenly dad and mom got together and made the Bougie Brady Bunch” and start to figure out why other people in the equation were pissed off(I shudder to think what Schmoopie’s personal chump would say about all of this-I doubt they are pleased with the outcomes either.)
They are going to see what the house of cards they grew up in was built on. And that will be a VERY interesting day.
I remember when I put two and two together about my mother and confronted her (this was years before my own chumping-she is still Facebook friends with my fuckwit despite apparently hating her. Odd.) And she wonders why I never reach out. She is very alone after everything she did. “I’m not going to say that she deserves it, BUT…”
As for the party? Personally I’d refuse to enter the house, bring your own refreshment/comfort items-I am told Cuervo makes an absolutely delightful Peach Mararita if the whimsy takes you (DO NOT ACCEPT GOLD FROM NO-FACE!). There are no gifts from the Fae. That seems like a fair compromise. You do not need to see anything triggering if you don’t absolutely have to. Do what you have to do to stay sane. Gray Rock.
And our fearless leader, as always, is right. This is a character impaired individual that has ulterior motives-most obviously that she wants forgiveness for a pretty significant sin. You do not have to give that to her if you don’t want to-if you ever do it will be on your time, not just because you 11 year old is going to have an awesome birthday party.
This idiot has ceded you complete control of the situation. My suggestion is that you take it.
You owe her nothing. She is very fortunate that you have already taken the high road and not destroyed her. There will ALWAYS be somebody younger, and blonder, and thinner, and prettier, and more compromised. Hell, she might betray your fuckwit, too. I cannot repeat this enough: anybody that would cheat WITH you would cheat ON you.
And it’s all appearances. Nice houses and cars and pools can be bought. Or rented. Better hair and clothes can be gotten at the mall. Better boobs, tummy tuck, botox, liposuction? I know a girl that knows a guy if you are interested. But that’s all just superficial at the end of the day. If somebody owes their success to Visa and not to their character…are they even really successful or just willing to take a credit score hit to look good?
That is all a VERY fragile house of cards this idiot lives under-even if it’s nicer on the outside. and has a pool.
This is YOUR life. YOU have character. YOU have morals. YOU are resilient. YOU are genuine. YOU are a survivor. YOU have not let this beat you. YOU still put the kids first. And YOU are walking into this bitch’s pool with your head held high.
Tell me again how you’re not Mighty?
When this is all said and done…please give yourself some permission to heal. And some more grace than you have given yourself. You are amazing. Believe it or not, you are DOING amazing. You have all of my respect for what you have been through and what you are doing for your children.
You fell in love with an idiot. Just because he decided to have fucked up priorities and went for appearances over actual quality with another fucked-up individual says NOTHING about you, you value, your qualities, your anything. Give some of that love back to yourself.
I repeat: you fell in love with an idiot. But you can stop reading that sentence early. You fell in love! And that’s amazing! And you experience a whole-r and more complete love than anything either of those idiots will ever really experience. And that’s worth more than all of the swimming pools in the world.
And you have an apology and a hug coming from an 11 year old who’s very mighty mother is walking into enemy territory in the name of love.
We are here for you!
Today is Tracy Gold🏅especially the unicorn float…whoa!!
Oof. The AP’s letter drips with noblesse oblige: “Look how great I am, how magnanimous, how caring.” Remember, “pretty is as pretty does.” She conspired in your abuse. She sucks. Internalize that.
Don’t attend the party. #boundaries #self-preservation
I really believe what CL preaches, that gaining your own life is the best revenge. Oh, and not giving two shits about this pair of FWs. Trust that they suck, and hold your own head high!
Good luck!
“Oof. The AP’s letter drips with noblesse oblige: “Look how great I am, how magnanimous, how caring.”
One aspect that stuck out to me was “I can’t undo the past” .
No, of course she can’t. But more importantly, she wouldn’t. She is exactly where she wants to be, with the asshole cheater husband in their big fancy house. So what even is the point of saying that? Empty words that aim to reduce blame “well, what’s done is done”. It’s insulting. She may as well have finished the sentiment “I can’t undo the past but even if I could I wouldn’t make different choices because I wanted your husband despite him being married with kids, and now we all just have to deal with this “situation” beause I love my pool, thanks”.
Dear NOI,
All I can say about the birthday party is to echo others who say “nah, don’t go” and organize your own wonderful event instead. But I do have a lot to say about the torture you’ve been through, including the religious abuse your ex subjected you to to keep you in your little box while he banged the ho of Babylon.
Bear with me but I think it all falls under the banner of “coercive control” which, from working in advocacy for DV survivors, I came to view as mostly driven by the “brutal enforcement of one-sided monogamy” because virtually all domestic abusers cheat. In other words, while keeping you hog tied with overwork and children, your ex was more assured you could not do to him what he was doing to you (not that you would but narcs project) and, furthermore, he could be more assured that you’d be too crushed and broken to move on and replace him if he betrayed and abandoned you.
Not to compare you to Betty Broderick but, if you see the Dirty John series, your ex sounds a lot like Dan Broderick, part of whose strategy was using Catholicism to keep her constantly pregnant and exhausted and under his thumb. Then he idly ditches Catholicism when it’s no longer useful to him as a tool of misogynist sexual control.
That’s not to diss faith or religious practice but to say what your ex did is a gross misuse of it as well as being grossly ironic. I think Pope Francis must be rolling in his grave that a cheater compared your Catholic status to Ms. At-Least-Six-of-Seven-Deadly-Sins-Parking-Lot-BJs. It might even be seven in case she’s secretly binging and purging to maintain her bikini butt.
But as far as your own “sins”? Meh, I don’t even think you’re really guilty of #3 or #4 because I suspect what you’re suffering from is jealousy more than envy and protective instincts more than “wrath.”
For the record, I wasn’t raised religious but my mother, a thorough agnostic, could quote the bible back to front because she thought a lot of scripture was just basic common sense like the Ten Commandments and SDS.
Take the fact that the bible says “envy,” not jealousy for example, The word “jealousy” may not sound much better than envy but jealousy is said to be a reaction to threats to or theft of that which rightfully belongs to you while envy is about hankering for what other people have that’s rightfully theirs.
If we’re really going to parse this, I think it’s arguably true that a lot of what this creepy AP has was taken from you. Even her fitness and sleep routines that account for her “good health” were poached from you because she participated in abusing you mentally and emotionally and likely robbed you of sleep, the energy to take care of your health and basic peace of mind for years. She robbed time that your ex could have spent helping with childcare (not that he would have but still no thanks to her) and probably the family assets you could have used to get help at home and take care of yourself.
And, regarding the crossover between concepts of mortal sin and secular criminality, don’t think for a minute that destroying your health and peace of mind wasn’t intentional on the part of the AP and driven entirely by #3 and 4, not to mention #1, 2, 5 and 7. According to social research, “mate poachers” tend to be very high in psychopathy which correlates to sadism and general criminal capacity. They feed off the suffering, victimization and violation of others and derive a sense of personal value from what they can take from others.
Pointing out what a shitty person the OWife is and all her various sins isn’t about “pride” or “wrath,” etc., but an important exercise in being able to sort through and identify your own emotions within the chaos of trauma in order to heal, including considering that part of your reaction is plain old terror.
Maybe you don’t want to go to her house because she’s really scary. Bottom line, brushes with empathy-impaired individuals like this are terrifying for reasons beyond merely what they take but the fact that people like this may– in a measurably statistical sense– be dangerous in other ways.
Just look up “dark triad + criminality.” No wonder you feel sick about having your children anywhere near this freak. No wonder you resent the OWife’s trappings and appearances that make her socially acceptable so that bystanders don’t perceive the danger you may sense in your gut. It can make any decent person feel very at risk and alone in the world when dangerous people wear masks and gain footholds in polite society. So consider whether you really envy the masks and facades or fear how masks and facades help evil people commit injustice and pave the way for more.
Whether or not this type ever manifests their full criminal potential or just commits banal harm, mere proximity to evil like this can definitely fire up all sorts of defensive instincts but that’s far different from “wrath.” I think it’s terror mingled with protectiveness, probably a good dose of revulsion and “what hath God wrought in mankind?” kind of existential angst over watching the unjust get away with injustice.
By the same token, I think jealousy is a critical territorial instinct, the same one with which you would ferociously defend your children against danger or malign influence. Speaking of which, that goes back to something else my mother got out of analyzing scripture from a common sense perspective: the view of not just Jesus but the Virgin Mary as an important historical and even feminist figure who, possibly due to misogyny, was made more bland, less instinctual (her prophesies), less passionate, less protective and gutsy (her vigil at the cross with six other women but only one man, John), less assertive and less political (her anti-imperialism) in modern scripture than she was first depicted.
Whether or not this is because of my mother’s corrective message about proper “womanhood” being strong and fierce through scriptural example, I personally have no shame about being territorial. It’s why, as a city dweller, I have security gates and an alarm system, why I have a radar for creeps and users and nuts and street thugs, why everyone around me and the kids is vetted up the yin yang, why we now have this great posse of protective people around us and why my kids are being raised to be cheerfully canny about red flags and to have a sophisticated sense of ethics.
Granted, being ferociously protective makes it a bit harder to get past theft and violation and brushes with evil but what’s the alternative? Turn off the protective instincts? The only thing I know to do about my inner pacing tiger’s response to present threats and past violations is to keep directing my inner beast where it can be effective– attending to kids, self, home, friends, finances and, last but not least, political involvement in the hopes of making the world safer for my children’s futures and posterity. I am also ferociously protective of democracy, justice and civil rights. If the price of being a bit tiger-ish is that I hold onto grudges and a sense of being violated a little longer than I want to, it seems a pretty fair trade.
But if– after parsing what part of my feelings are simply the trauma of someone who was robbed and is watching the culprit parade around with the stolen loot and fool the world– I were to discover that what remains is a wee bit of envy, I would see it as an interesting opportunity to weigh the actual value of the things I don’t have and decide whether or not I would like them for myself and how to rightfully get them along with getting back the things that were taken.
The trauma of being chumped definitely robbed me of health for a time so I heavily focused on getting that back through a very disciplined and healthy “anti-inflammatory” diet (moderate keto), exercise, sleep and a bucket of natural supplements to boost immunity. That was an essential thing but I also felt pissed off over less critical stuff– for instance, the fact that FW had sort of frog-boiled me over the years into being dowdy, not wearing makeup, never getting my hair done and donating all my designer professional glam gear from before we met. He didn’t do this under the banner of religion, probably more a hippie ethic but, after convincing me that he hated makeup and preferred me in old jeans and sweat shirts, he goes off and bonks (in a parking lot, lol) Ms. Fast-Fashion-Cakey-Pancake-Makeup.
I’m not sure my reaction to the above really counts as envy so much as a “D’OH!” sense of being pranked and a desire to retrieve a harmlessly fun part of myself that I was conned out of expressing. I certainly wasn’t “envious” of the AP’s expensive barfly existence, poly-blend mall rat wardrobe, yo-yo-ing weight, cheap CFM shoes, ugly gel talons or salon tans. There’s nothing enviable about adding to the world’s microplastic pollution, contributing to sweat shop labor, getting thyroid issues from binging and purging or cancer from UV exposure and premature wrinkles. There’s nothing enviable about being hated at work as the office doorknob known for stabbing other women in the back, contributing to negative work environment and sucking up to sexual harassers (I’m sure if you knew more of what happens behind the scenes at work, this would turn out to be the case with the Owife in your case, too).
But I did feel tricked into playing the role of the dun-colored nest bird because, again, most FWs’ biggest covert fear is that their chumps will do them in kind and have romantic options other than them. So, silly as it was, after D-Day I scoured resale and vintage sites for deals and started replacing my lost fab wardrobe and groovy boots, got my hair done for the first time in 11 years (not blond, yawn) and went back to wearing crimson (organic) lipstick.
Yeah, I probably had a bit of sin #1 over the fact that I know how to do this on a budget and not contribute to pollution or slave labor but I think those are good things to be proud of.
In any event, I think if you reflect back on all the things your evil ex systematically and purposefully did to you over the years to crush your sense of self worth and perspective and enforce one-sided monogamy, you’ll realize that people like him and his co-conspirator can only gain a sense of self worth by driving other people down. Ergo, the things you currently think you “envy” may merely be a kind of spellbinding that puts greater value on things that, deep down, you don’t actually value like materialism and vanity. Or they may represent lost serious or fun parts of yourself that you feel robbed of and would like to retrieve. That’s not “envy” but a desire to reclaim your true self.
Wishing you meh and mightiness.
I read the OWs note a little differently. I think she was throwing her affair in NOs face by saying “….my house…anything I can have for you” that’s pretty in your face. Seems she is pissed she is being asked to leave the house. This is her establishing dominion while appearing to be accommodating. Yeah..I’m a cynic. 8yrs out and not over it either. I have created a new life which I am content with and all new friends and activities. I’ve been involved in therapy using Internal Family Systems which has given me some peace. It’s about how our emotions exist to protect us. So when I feel I’m not over it, I get curious about why I feel that way and what I am protecting myself from. I still have moments as I did this last weekend. It helps to think of my hurt and pain as being protective. Somehow it makes me feel like I am taking care of myself. Anyway, hugs NO..these situations suck! I’d probably find a swimming pool at a YMCA and have the pool party there. Avoid Dads house completely.
NOI – I’d like to opine on a tangential issue I see from you, which is your devaluation of yourself because the wifetress is young, slim, beautiful, etc. Please stop this. Females have been trained from an early age to devalue themselves and it is neither right nor good. It keeps us in our place (well, not really “our” place but where “they” want us to be) and harms us psychologically and physically. At age 11 your daughter is probably already one step into the self-denigration of her body and the influence of the mocking of her peers. (I say that because it is the standard female experience.) The wonderful world of bulimia, anorexia, and other behavior disorders await unless you teach her directly and by your example that the way she is made, just like the way you are made, is beautiful. You compare yourself to the wifetress and find yourself lacking because she slim, blonde, blah blah blah. Is one/both of the wifetress’ children female? She will most likely be like her mom. Meanwhile your daughter will be like you. How would you feel if your daughter came to you at age 16 and told you that her stepsister is so beautiful and that she herself was a craptacular example of womanhood? Teach her about her own beauty and grace by learning it about for yourself. You are NOI and nobody else, stand up and count yourself.
Do I sound harsh? If so it’s because it has taken me over six decades to value my short/fat self, and I wish that kind of ride on nobody. Please forgive if I am reading my own experience into your attitudes.
I just want Not over it to know that OW are very insecure, even though it seems like she’s living the dream life and has it all.I saw it with FW dad’s AP wife. She would bring up his mom ALOT in an obsessive manner. Never mind that his mom was 15 yrs older same age as his dad, or that she lived in poverty scraping a life together for the 3 boys, or that she got remarried, or that they were divorced at this point longer than they were married. Owife still obsessed playing the pick me dance after 30 yrs. It always seemed weird to me because she had a beautiful house, a pool, nice car, younger, attractive, but still oh so insecure! So I think that message cloaked in niceties and concern is again a way to exert her control over the situation. Hoping it’ll get back to FW, see how nice I am? Probably doesn’t want to be there anyways in case she runs into other parents. That was another thing FW Dad’ s Owife never felt comfortable or accepted by other parents at the school. It’s a good excuse for her not to be there. Telling people oh I can’t be there because The Ex wife will be there and she’s so hostile! Never take them at face value. There is always an angle to their every action. I used to take people at face value. Not anymore! Now if I have any sort of feeling or suspicion towards someone or why they are doing something believe it, even without any proof I trust my gut.
Some day, this OW wife will encounter someone blonder and skinnier or maybe simply younger who will come along offering parking lot bj to your FW thankfully ex husband.
I’d bet money on this.
Huh. I side with Chump Lady in that it would have been better to skip the party. But, having committed to her daughter that she’d go, I think she should go.
I’d ignore the note from the side piece. And be prepared in case she decides to be present anyway as a nasty little surprise. I think that note was impression management. She can produce it in the future if she needs to.
And remember to think long term. Things are going well for the FW and side piece…NOW. But, as CL would say, neither of them has received a character transplant. Because there is no such thing. Sooner or later, their lives will fall apart because of their own behavior. Character matters, and bad character surfaces, sooner or later.
“Things are going well for the FW and side piece…NOW. But, as CL would say, neither of them has received a character transplant.”
They are BOTH cheaters, for starters So either could have an affair. Double the risk! And even if neither does, they both know the other is capable of it. That knowledge will eventually start to gnaw at them and that alone may end things for them. And the Wifetress is only 4 years younger than the OP, in 4 years, maybe she will need replacing.
Let me tell you about my friend. She has little money, a little chubby and people love her. People would choose to be her friend over those with money and nicer houses. Why? Because she embraces & exudes life & positivity. Be like my friend! The OW pfffttt….
I stay away from FW & OW because they are superficial & evil twats. I can’t imagine being in “their enemy territory”. I would back out & tell my kid, we’ll do something different on another day. If she throws a fuss, time to let her know that dad & step mommy were mean to you and that’s why you’re not with dad anymore. Your kid should understand this at some level because she likely navigates this some at school.
Please don’t call yourself an “unsuccessful chump”! The way that you so casually (and accurately) called her the “HoWife” shows your power. You know who she is. She knows who she is. All the money and “fanciness” in the world can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear – or a decent woman out of a whore. Whether you choose to go the party or not, you win. You win every day. Your ex showed you who he really is and you are better off without him. Believe that. As for “healing” – it’s a long, horrible process isn’t it? I am coming up on 4 years from first D-Day and it still hurts like crazy. And I am still angry. And I still want to kill somebody. And maybe we will never “heal”. Maybe we will carry this pain and anger to our deathbeds. Okay. But take solace in knowing that YOU DID NOT DESERVE IT. You are the better person – by a long shot! I think the best we can do is not let the pain and anger define us. It’s just another part of who we are now – but it is SURVIVABLE. You are successful. You are powerful. She’s a whore and he’s a lying cheater. And that’s all they will ever be.
This OW hates you. She is jealous of you, and needs to remind everyone all the time that “she won”. The best revenge is to be happy and magnanimous with her. it will drive her crazy. Tell her you would LOVE to attend and take advantage of her graciousness and if she likes, it would be great for her to have …. (insert expensive food and beverages here—-Vivue Clicquot sounds about right for a swim party). Cancel last minute. But as an apology for the last minute cancellation, send your daughter over with loads of silly string and glitter for her and her friends to enjoy. Never let her see you upset. joy joy joy is all you need to show her to drive her crazy. you are free, she is saddled. she is hosting a party for a pre-teen that is not her own…trust me. she’s not looking forward to it.