The UBT Takes On Mother-In-Laws

bitterbunny_lowrezHow sharper than a serpent’s tooth is it to have a thankless mother-in-law.

You raise their grandchildren, consider them family, and spend countless holidays in their charmless company, and yet when D-Day hits, they’re often first in line to blameshift this crap onto you. What did you do to be so unloveable? It couldn’t possibly be their precious snookums!

Chump Tracey writes:

I would love to read a UBT post on a mother-in-law letter/email. Clearly my XMIL can dish some serious bullshit, but I am sure this is pretty typical. Here is the email I just got from my XMIL for my birthday a couple days ago. She sent it to both me AND my 15-year-old daughter. My daughter and I have been no contact with MIL (almost 2 years now) due to her steadfast belief that “if I was only a better wife, her beloved son would not have cheated and abandoned his family.” He ran off with much younger woman with young child — just announced one day “Goodbye,” moved in with schmoopie. It turns out he was a serial cheater.

Here is the email:

Hello,

Again I will try to find the daughter-in-law I have known for so many years. I wish that daughter-in-law a happy birthday and good luck for the future. The person who is the mother of our only granddaughter.

The last two years you have showed us a total other side of your character. A part we only saw in some short moments in relation with other people.

We know now that there was no love in the marriage between you and our son. That was a pity, but you let it grow that way during years. Ignorance or indifference?

Nevertheless we (you and I as a person not only as your mother-in-law) had, in my memories, a good relation.

Is there nothing left?

We only have one life to live, so lets not spoil it with angriness or even hate.

Greetings,

MIL

Wow, Tracey, that’s some shit sandwich to get on your birthday. Before I get into the particulars of the UBT, I’d just say IMO it’s okay for you to go no contact on this crazy, but let your teenage daughter be the judge of her own NC. It’s certainly not your job to facilitate her relationship with Grandma Hag, but I wouldn’t ask her to choose between the two of you either. (Kids figure these relationships out in their own way, in their own time.) She can see Grandma Hag when she sees her father. If dad is too busy with his new family and his various fuck buddies, oh well. Not your problem.

Now back to the UBT.

Hello,

Again I will try to find the daughter-in-law I have known for so many years.

Hello. I am a pity vampire.

Where is that nice, chumpy DIL I used to know? We have a history, you know. Why do you ignore me? I’m trying to find you! Actually, I know exactly where you are and still have a current email address.

I wish that daughter-in-law a happy birthday and good luck for the future.

See, unlike you, I am above petty squabbles. I Am The Better Person. I wish you a happy birthday and to go fuck yourself in the future. Your bleak, grim future without the wonderfulness that is my son.

The person who is the mother of our only granddaughter.

Let me see my granddaughter. Apparently my son is too busy whoring around to visit.

The last two years you have showed us a total other side of your character. A part we only saw in some short moments in relation with other people.

I’m too much of a lady to spell out what the “other side of your character” means.

Okay, you’re a bitch. A bitch who won’t talk to me.

Oh sure, I saw you be a bitch in fleeting moments with other people, but in these last two years I’ve come to understand that you are a total bitch. One hundred percent pure bitch. How you concealed your utter bitchiness for so long is a mystery — but I was on to you from the start! I just didn’t realize how truly loathsome you are.

Happy birthday.

We know now that there was no love in the marriage between you and our son.

The divorce is all your fault because you’re unloving. How could you fail to love my perfect son? It was your lovelessness that drove him to fuck all those other women and run off with a younger woman. LOVE MADE HIM DO IT.

The man was starved for kibbles! You made him cheat. Divorce is so ugly. People may get the wrong impression when a man runs off with a younger woman. Some Very Wrong People might think that sort of thing is my son’s fault. Well, let me set the record straight — it was YOUR fault. And we could’ve had the nice appearance of an intact loving family, if you hadn’t gone and ruined everything. If you’re not going to love my son, the least you can do is let him fuck around and keep up appearances. But NO, you had to make him leave you.

That was a pity, but you let it grow that way during years. Ignorance or indifference?

Are you stupid, or just hateful?

Nevertheless we (you and I as a person not only as your mother-in-law) had, in my memories, a good relationship.

In my mind, I’m still the Better Person. We had a good relationship in my memories. Of course, at my age I’m prone to dementia.

Is there nothing left?

I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to be around someone who blames you for the dissolution of your own marriage?

We only have one life to live, so let’s not spoil it with angriness or even hate.

I blamed you for my son’s serial cheating and abandonment, but let’s not be angry or hateful! The problem isn’t what my son did, it’s your reaction to it! Don’t be a bitter bunny.

Greetings,

MIL

Fuck off and die. I will “greet” you every opportunity I get until you pay attention to me.

Many happy returns,

MIL.

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chjrn
chjrn
8 years ago

Wow! Wonder why Mr. Cheater Pants acts the way he does? He has Ms. Super Enabler in his corner! Tracey, you are MUCH better off without that whole mess of a “family”.

Block her email, phone, and go no contact with the whole family. I bet the rest of the family believes this drivel also…

Wish they could be adults, but they raised cheaters and justify their behaviors.

nicolette14
nicolette14
8 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

Have not read all the comments, and replying a bit late, but just like you said chjrn ” He has Ms. Super Enabler in his corner! ” my fuckwits mother, after I dumped his ass sent me an email saying, ” You know you will NEVER find anyone who loves you as much as he (my son) does!! Just saying!!” and all I could think was, fuck, I hope not! I don’t need that kind of love from a serial cheating, pathological lying, mooching, ugly thief son of hers! I so regret everything that I have done for her! Her sons, her daughter never bought her cards, gifts for her birthday, mothers day, Christmas etc. took her to lunches, dinners etc. or nice/ caring towards her even when she was sick. It was all me.. This woman never owned a real jewelry until me…I gave her this one particular beautiful expensive bracelet on one birthday and I CRINGE every time I remember that piece, because at the time when I was giving it to her in that expensive velvet box, the bitch knew her sons cheating all along among other things, yet telling me how happy she was that her son finally found a such a good woman like me and actively covering for him…then after everything came to light, she acted like it was no such a big deal and I was making a such an issue for nothing(my reaction was bad not what her son has been doing) and I gave up on a such a great guy over this nonsense… I went NC with her too and the rest of their clan, since I dismissed them all they been doing smearing campaign against me, which I really don’t care, the way I look at it dogs can bark all they want…

I don’t know if she was a cheater but his father, her husband was a serial cheat, she stayed until he found “the one” and left her after 23 years of marriage for the last OW, so she just went and fucked my cheaters best friend for a year. The ordinary alley cat has more morals than these fucktards… What a relief not to deal with these assholes anymore!

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

Have not read all the comments, so someone may have suggested this , already: Why not print off CL’s response and send it to your XMIL? I would include a definition of UBT for her, as she is unlikely to know what it stands for,

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

My thoughts, Arnold.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  chjrn

Often they are cheaters themselves. My XMIL had an emotional ? affair that last best part of 30 years.

fbi
fbi
8 years ago

When I left my fiancé last year after finding out he went to the stripclub and had questionable activities, I left him a letter saying I deserved better, packed my bags and took 100 dollars to pay for my gas since I work 300 kms away and in the 3 years I did all the commuting. Long story short he told everyone I had stolen from him 300 dollars! He exaggerated. It was like the end of the world for him…. et tu Brutus? How could she betray me? To this his mother told him to pray to the great jehovah so that he may not be tempted to fall for me again. It’s as if I was the devil incarnate. She even went to the length of convincing him to sell his house so he could move into hers for a year while the new house was being built. She even put a 20 000 dollar deposit. They were best friends for a while calling each other 4 times a day. I was out of the picture and she could hog him. But now that he is stuck living in his parent s basement like a troll he realizes he was never accepted since he was the black sheep that didn’t join the jehovah witness bandwagon. He asked recently if I could come watch tv and she answered : sure but only with us upstairs because who knows what you will be up to alone in the basement. The guy is 41!!

nicolette14
nicolette14
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

Ha ha ha, that’s funny! My cheater lives with his mom now too, he is almost 50 along with his brother, who is in his forties, also single. Mom with her 2 boys, awwwww how sweet LOL!! 😀

fbi, why would you still stay in contact with a guy who told everyone you had stolen from him, basically calling you a thief?

Monika
Monika
8 years ago
Reply to  nicolette14

Omg, do you know my ex’s mother?? She too is in her 70s, a decade into retirement and ended up with her 2 boys living in her home! Ex’s brother is in his 30s, ex is in his 40s… What pride and joy they are. She still thinks ex is her golden child and of course, the fact he has been living with her, happens to be MY fault. Sometimes (but rarely) I actually do wonder what she must think about her own parental abilities?

fbi
fbi
8 years ago
Reply to  nicolette14

Hi nicolette 14…to answer ur question I was surprised he would tell people I stole. He actually believes I did when I have explained that he could help with gas costs especially since I had wasted my time and money that weekend to deal with a liar. He was basically traumatized and to this day brings up how I stole from him. He has borderline personality so I think this really threw him over the top. Everything is perspective in life. But my friends and family and anyone with common sense can see it was not really stealing. ..as he put it

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  fbi

fbi , that is classic. Mine went back to his mothers thinking it would be a temporary measure till I came to my senses. They are so codependent it is creepy.

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago

Tracey, I’m so sorry you have to put up with this. Chump Lady’s advice is spot-on, as always.

My ex also just up and left one day to be with his schmoopie. His mother sent me a card (which arrived the day he flew 6,000 km to go stay with his parents while looking for a place to live) saying, “Just a note to let you know I’m thinking of you. I imagine that losing your relationship with [my son] is very painful for you, as it is for him. I wish you all the best in the future. MIL.” Ah, poor sausage! It’s so painful to be a cheater. It hurts, Mommy!! Owww, Mommy, make Karma E stop!!

Wasn’t that a sweet Hallmark moment from ex-MIL? Such a tender outpouring of love and compassion. NOT. That is the first and last contact I’ve had with her after D-day. Good riddance to him and his family of origin.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Aaahhhh!! KarmaE–did you buy a chain saw and some plastic sheeting after receiving that letter? Did it come with Victorian pink roses at the top of the stationery? kittens? sheets of Sweet-n-Low stapled to it?

“I imagine that losing your relationship with [my son] is very painful for you, as it is for him. I wish you all the best in the future. MIL”

UBT: “My son is the cat’s meow and I am sure you will grieve for a decade over losing him. But his pain at hurting you is actually greater than your pain, so please pity the poor little guy. I wish you all the best….best what? weather? granola? chai tea? well–just the best, deary!! Monster-in-law”

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL, Tempest! I can just picture her sitting on her deck, wondering whether to make her son Cornish game hens or coquilles St. Jacques when he arrived, and realizing that on her to-do list was to send me a card (it had some generic, fuzzy watercolour landscape, quite the metaphor for my relationship) to dispense her duty and tell me to FOAD. Then, after carefully crafting a very taxing three lines of text, returning to reading the New Yorker whilst listening to Bach on CBC Radio.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago

OMG. I remember the day my STBX threatened me if I did not stop telling people in our community what he had done that he would tell them I was violent. I suggested he go ahead. But I suggested he just deal with the truth. Speaking of truth let’s start with your mother. Yep 5 months past d’day and dear XMIL had no idea that her darling son had been out having sex with random guys in public toilets. All she knew was he had had a ‘brief affair’ 8 years earlier and due to my ‘violent nature’ towards him and ongoing ‘mental health issues’ had blown it out of proportion. So her response when I spelt it out for her was ‘you should not be telling me this’ and she is right I should not have had to. When I questioned why she had not been in touch to see how the kids and I were, as she never even called to see if all was ok after our youngest was diagnosed with leukaemia, knowing I don’t have parents. But was quick to consider me an irrational bitch for putting here son out, her very calm response was “I am not judging you on your actions now I am judging you on your actions over the past 20 years. Yep she is just a lovely committed Christian woman.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Most narcissists didn’t get that way on their own. But your MIL is truly special if she isn’t interested in the outcome of a leukemia diagnosis and doesn’t offer to move a mountain or two to help you and the sick chid. No wonder you are “thankful” to have these two out of your lives.

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

If MIL is a narcissist, the idea of having to do for anyone, even her grandchild will hobble her. Why? It isn’t ABOUT HER! The defective kid had nothing to do with her and must have been momkid’s fault. NOT NICE. NOT GOOD. WHAT A SHITBAG!

Susan
Susan
8 years ago

My MIL’s actions over 30 years are deserving of a daily “flip” calendar. She worships her golden boy and he can do no wrong. When he announced to his parents that we were divorcing, he neglected to tell them that it was because he had found “true” love. When my FIL found out the real reason, he called me and cried. (I love that man!) My MIL never once reached out.

I used to think that it was lucky that hubby had turned out to be more like his wonderful, caring, lovely father. But the funny thing is, everytime I see my STBX his actions and words remind me more and more of the shrew who raised him. Without voicing that to my daughters, my 23y.o. came home from dinner with her dad last night and announced that he’s just like grandma…and that’s no compliment.

ca-chump
ca-chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

I also used to think my cheater was more like his sweetheart of a father (divorced from the shrew) but now in middle age the cheater has trouble keeping the nice guy mask tied to his head. He has turned into his nutso mommy in so many ways – personality, bad habits, laziness and general expectation that the world orbits solely around him.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Gotta admit, my MIL and FIL were great to me. Among other things they have said about their daughter:
1) She is a habitual liar.
2) Why ask her anything, she will just lie.
3) She has to reinvent herself every 4-5 years as she ruins all her relationships.
4) We took to calling her ” the nanny” after watching how little she did around the house’
5) oh, My God. You let her have access to the bank account and cash card? She stole her father’s credit card in college and ran up charges.
6) She leaves a trail of enemies in her wake.
7) No, she never finished college and has no degree like she told you she does. She quit in her senior year and sent home a fake transcript. We had no idea she had dropped out ( to have an affair with a married factory worker in her college town, apparently), until her coach called us and asked us where she was.
This woman, my XW, has led a classic borderline’s life. Her parents know it and are aghast. But, she has the kids, so they do not want to piss her off too badly and lose access.

Nat1
Nat1
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold, this kind of worries me too. Guess I am spackling maybe, my XMIL actually told me that BIL was always her favourite. She didn’t raise X, his grandmother did. But imagine knowing your parents felt that way about you? Always calling you a liar, telling you hopeless you are with money, complaining about your temper. Doesn’t leave you anywhere to go. What else could he have become really?

My XMIL told me just after separation that she wouldn’t take sides, that was after I called her to tell her I still expected her to be in my kids lives. She didn’t call for months after that so I told the kids to send her a friendly email to check in and see how she was. She replied by telling them how awful the were because their dad was sad they wouldn’t talk to him. That was it…..until XFIL died. We sent flowers FOR HIM and daughter 12 planned and organised a fundraiser for the parkinsons foundation that he died of.

Well, when no body still wanted to speak with her (did it all for pop, not her), she called my dad. Long story short, she is back to thinking he is no good, he asked to borrow money at the funeral and she hasn’t seen him since. He gives her no support, no time, she has no relationship with her new grandson.

Yes, I believe she created him, but I do feel sorry for him too.

I don’t know what my point was really. Maybe he did need some kindness or something?

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Nat1

I agree. In looking at the way my X-in-laws treated my XW, it is no wonder she turned out as she did. It was a combination of passive aggressive withholding from the mom combined with idealization from the dad , due to his daughter’s athletic accomplishments, primarily ( she was all sate in 3 sports and a star college softball and soccer player).
Once it told her dad that I ws getting the silent treatment all day on father’s day, for some unknown reason. His comment: ” welcome to my world, Arnold”.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Don’t you wish she’d come with a warning sticker from the FOO *before* you married her?

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

We all do.

Heather
Heather
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

And, yes, my XMIL became more of a nemesis than her son!

Heather
Heather
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Does anyone EVER have an XMIL who changes their opinion & comes around to the truth???

Heather
Heather
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Nicole –
The almost exact same thing happened to me. When word broke, she told me she didnt want to know anything about his affair partner = total allegiance to me. That all changed. Within 6 months, she told me to “burn in hell”. That was the end of our 20something year long mother/daughter relationship.

The takeaway from this Chumplady post = Im amazed how many others have experienced this same thing and I am just so glad Im not alone on this occurrence.

Heather
Heather
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

This post IS my XMIL and my XMIL happens to have a VERY BIG MOUTH!!! She has told and convinced (I think) all of the many extended family on his side how horrible I actually was & am & that her son had no choice but to cheat. Seemingly, they are all going along w/this (altho secretly there may be some that believe that I am still the good person I was the last 25 years?)

QUESTION:
HOW do you get to a place where it doesnt bother you anymore? This whole thing started ~2.5 years ago. The XMIL & XFIL are one thing – but when she has some 30 people on the other side convinced as well? :=(

Monika
Monika
8 years ago
Reply to  ca-chump

Omg, classic! Socio-ex has been on mother’s couch since 2013 and it doesn’t seem to me that he’s even concerned about getting his own place. Why would he if mother dearest is a perfect enabler by cooking, cleaning, doing his laundry, short of wiping his ass. The sad part is that codependency 101 he was brought up with, could be a possible explanation behind the nature of our relationship as well. I’ve never realized until recently that I only served a certain purpose to him and that was to be his maid, accountant, etc.
Anyway, he’s back at his mother’s at 44 and it’s all my fault. I’ve bankrupted him, I made him foreclose on his rental property because I refused to “help” him rent it, as I’ve done for 10 years prior. I also am the reason for his lack of professional and financial success. If I didn’t insist on placing our child in a private school, he wouldn’t be broke, if I didn’t “make” him buy German cars, he wouldn’t have such high costs of maintenance, if and if and if…
Ex’s mother is a wolf sheep’s clothing. She raised a self entitled narcissist with zero life skills and emotional intelligence of a toddler. She’s in her 70s, a widow, former cheater herself, she speaks fluently the language of blame shifting and irrational justifications. So the apple doesn’t fall far.,,

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

My 16 yr old son commented the other day how rude his father was to his mother. He is clearly grateful for the roof she is currently putting over his head.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago

Holy shit. Tracey, do you see now where your XH gets his NPD? It’s been shown to be hereditary, and it’s usually from the mother. Factoid for ya there. Mothers and sons have a unique relationship, as do fathers and daughters–and that has a lot to do with the dynamics of opposite sex parents. It’s icky if you think about it in adult terms, but in kid terms, children don’t understand or present boundaries with parents–that is UP TO THE PARENTS TO ENFORCE and teach.

When a parent doesn’t have those strong boundaries, like my MIL didn’t ever have with her boys (treating them like stand-ins for her absent in more ways than one husband-s, yes, she killed two of them)—those kids don’t grow up knowing in their bones that they are not going to marry mommy or daddy. These parents are Narcs themselves and they teach children that boundaries do not exist.

This letter could have been written by my MIL, but we were clear on one thing–I hated her, and she hated me. We dropped the whole pretense thing.

But, it could have also been written by my mother. She was and is a master manipulator. She would drive us away with her crazy borderline bullshit—and after a year of NC from her for some imagined slight—she would write letters to everyone saying that she feels like an orphan. How could you abandon an orphan! I did my best. You just don’t understand my state of mind at the time (you know. when she left us for 4 days with no food so that she could galavant off on some weekend trip with her boyfriend). How could you.

The only cure, Tracey, coming from someone who was subjected to this mindfuckery from a parent as well as an in-law? NO CONTACT. Nada. Zip. Zero. No response to even tell her to fuck off and die. She’ll find another target—just like her son did.

As far as your kid–let her decide, yes–but you tell her in no uncertain terms that you will support whatever she decides to do. Don’t do what my mother did—just isolate us from all of my dad’s family because they hated her and she didn’t want them telling us tales. Not only did she not respect that we had a right to have relationships with our extended family, but she also insulted our intelligence to know truth from fiction. But then, that’s the problem with NPDs….they don’t want the truth known to people they want to control.

Don’t bother with this woman. Remember who taught your XH to be who he is.

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Interesting factoid Sphinx. I pray this means that my boys will not be narcissistic at all. I couldn’t bare it if my sweet boys ended up behaving like their father. I don’t understand why these MILs can’t be bigger people and just say something like “I have to support my son unconditionally, just know I love you and care about you and thank you for giving my grandkids.” They can’t even do something like this.

moxie
moxie
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S.

I love your post, Nicole.

Nicole S.
Nicole S.
8 years ago
Reply to  moxie

Thank you moxie. 🙂

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago
Reply to  Nicole S.

I agree, Nicole. It’s an interesting dynamic–I do not, however agree that anybody should “support their son/daughter unconditionally”. This is how the behavior begins. Nothing the kid does is wrong, no boundaries.

My XH actually said, “My mother HAS TO LOVE ME, because I am her kid.” Read: my mother will look the other way, because she raised me to know that no matter what I do, she will always support me.

Nope. You bring consequences to your kids. They get punishment when rules are broken and rewards when they do well. What has gone out the window is any type of accountability. “Everybody’s a winner!” No, no they all aren’t. Clearly. NPD/sociopath cheaters are NOT WINNERS in any way shape or form. When you raise a kid to think that they are just all that and can do no wrong…you get an ADULT who thinks that they are all that and can do no wrong.

The mother/son and father/daughter dynamic and resulting possibility of narcissism depends on the parent. Overweening and smothering is just as bad as being overly critical and demanding. I try not to be either one with my kids, but it happens. I do make them accountable, though—you do wrong, you will be held accountable, to me and to whomever you harmed. They know I love them, but there are limits to what children should be allowed to get away with.

Nicole S
Nicole S
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Don’t get me wrong Sphinx, I don’t believe in unconditional support either. You are not doing your child any favors by supporting spoiled, selfish, destructive behavior. IMO, parents who support this type of behavior are ultimately leading their child to the destruction of their soul. My thought was if MILs don’t have the courage to expect more from their children, why can’t they at least love everyone? I guess their fragile egos just can’t do it. It’s pathetic really.

Friend
Friend
8 years ago

Tracy,
I laughed this morning!
Thanks.

Ps. You had me at “vampire”. ♥

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Yeah, because nothing says I’m above hate and spite than blaming your DIL for your son’s abandonment of his family and sleeping around. I guess such behavior is acceptable in her (xMIL’s) family. It doesn’t mean it has to be in yours, Chump Tracey.

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago

My mother is a classic Narc – and I believe this is why I *married* a Narc (my now XH).

Tracey, what Sphinx says is the truth. My X’s eldest daughter is quite a bit like her dad. My son is much more like me. There’s definitely a hereditary factor.

Although my mother KNOWS my son and I were abused – *she*, sometimes, pines away that we no longer have my X around. Mind you – she *really* talks about my X this way because she only wants a male *presence*. But if she is pissed enough at me for not being around as much as *she* wants, I will start to hear about how she misses my X so she can dig it into me. “How *did* he abuse *you* anyway?” And now that she is *quite* elderly, she uses this as an excuse to often fire the same questions at me, hiding under the excuse of “dementia”. Now this sounds bitchy of me – *however* when she *wants* to remember shit, you can *count* on the fact *she will*.

In the infant days after I told her I was divorcing my X, I unfortunately needed quite a bit of financial help from her. She looked up at me and said, “Yeah, and what if I decide to not help you?” My answer? “Well, I guess I’ll just be on my way”. Oh well, the sorry/pitiful/hurt puppy arrived. “Oh honey, I really didn’t *mean* that …”

Oh by the way – totally off topic? I found another dead mouse in my house that I have to remove. Things come in 3’s don’t they?? I guess the third one will turn up sooner or later. If there’s *anything* I miss about my X?? Ok – it’s dead mouse removal.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago

What a load of shit. Thanks for de-coding it, CL! I love the alternate reality this enabling Mommy spins… “Again I will try to find the daughter-in-law I have known for so many years. I wish that daughter-in-law a happy birthday and good luck for the future. The person who is the mother of our only granddaughter.”

Yes, Chump Tracey, “I still wish THAT daughter in law a happy birthday,” just not the REAL daughter in law that you are. You’re a bitch who hid your true self from me all those years… but since my son bred with you, I’m stuck with you forever.” Nice. Classy birthday greeting. She should have saved herself the trouble, what a FAKE birthday message!

I didn’t have to deal with a dysfunctional MIL but instead a SIL with my cheater. After 16 years of praising me and calling me a “saint” for tolerating his “anger management problem” (= narcissistic rages and abuse), and gushing how the whole family was glad I was with him (= supporting him financially so they wouldn’t have to), upon learning of Cheaterpant’s infidelity, she turned on me. After accidentally blurting out, “you do know about the terrible incident in his life, don’t you?” (I still don’t know what that was), when realizing I did NOT, she clammed up and on the next phone call a few days letter, was addressing me in the past tense. “It’s been nice having known you Muse.” and “I’m really happy for him as he begins this New Chapter in His Life.” Then she recommended a couple of books to me, one about Ultra-Sensitive People because X had been one his whole life, and Mommy’s favorite (their deceased mother), and SIL was an Ultra-Sensitive as well, who I just didn’t understand.
Oh, and Cheaterpants was “healing too,” and would I kindly pay for his airfare to fly to Montana to stay with her for awhile so he could heal?

Interestingly, 30 years later I am still friends with both of ExH#1’s parents. They are the grandparents of my kids and lifelong friends now. They never ONCE excused anything their son did, and in fact, on the day I told my then-MIL that I was divorcing him for having an online affair as well as ten years of NO financial contribution to our family (3 kids), she said “WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG???”

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

Tracey,

No contact is the best way to go. No reply to her nasty email, nothing. They are too disordered to be in your life.

My cheaters dad cheated on his mom for years with her best friend (no one knew) and then announced he was leaving her. This was 20 years ago. They live in a small town so of course, everyone knew. The OW, a demanding bitch, had money and they didn’t so he left her to live a ‘better’ lifestyle. It devastated her. To this day she is is on multiple antidepressants and living on very little money. Their grown kids, including cheater, didn’t want to take sides so they spent time with both parents. It disgusted me but as an in law who lived many states away, my opinion didn’t matter.

When my STBX’s cheating was revealed and I kicked him out, he said he told his mom and her response was that she loved him but she was disappointed in him. She initially hung up on him but called him back later. She never reached out to me, her DIL for 24 years, even during fake reconciliation. Only one of his siblings reached out to me but we never discussed the situation. Eventually, she stopped contacting me too. I’m sure he’s lied to all of them about what happened and blamed me. It hurts but that’s ok. They can all bask in his glow from now on because I certainly won’t be anymore.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Interesting Tracy…I haven’t thought about it that way. Thanks!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

And of course she is probably living on a diet of shit sandwiches in order to preserve her family.

nic
nic
8 years ago

She’s an npd marital therapist who sucks the air out of every room she enters so no one can point out to her that she’s an imbecile. no boundaries, no consequences for her loved ones. And as long as you appear to love people, it’s all good. When she found out (mow was her employee) I reached out to her for support and she implemented 14 months of no contact. Hasn’t seen her grandkids either. I was hurt all over again. Triangulates, manipulates and acts as if she’s married to her son. It’s beyond gross. The sun rises every morning to shine on her, and she is the kibble queen. If you don’t give them, you are excised out of her world. I could fill this whole space with my mil stories, but I’ll just leave it at

“If it’s not one thing, it’s his mother.”

Ro
Ro
8 years ago

Reading an e-mail such as this from a person who claimed to be close to you when life was going the way she wanted it to, AND on your birthday at that, is a reminder that you are definitely better off without the mother-in-law or the cheating son she allowed to get away with such bad behavior towards you. I just don’t understand the cruelty of people and why they do the things they do, and how they sleep peacefully at night. Hugs and good wishes….
http://intheknowwithro.blogspot.com/2015/02/life-is-short-have-affair.html

Chumpguy
Chumpguy
8 years ago

My mil was a fiesty, chain smoking, gravel voiced, heavy drinking and partying, mouth like a sailor on leave, lady. Now almost 90, she has mellowed some. In her younger years she had a 10 or so year affair with someone. Fil is long gone; I loved him dearly and still do.

When w started cheating, mil told her daughter that I was a good man and that she felt bad for me. She took me aside one evening and said, “Chumpguy, I love you. I think your wife is crazy.”

I told her I love her too, and asked her seriously, ” Do you mean crazy like, off on a bad tangent that she should know better than to do; or like really, truly insane?”

She thought for a second and said, “Both. I think she is going to end up very unhappy.”

She loves to have breakfast and/or dinner out with my son, and often includes me. W came along a couple of times over Christmas (when she didn’t have other ‘plans’), and my son told me that mil was not happy that w “butted in.” On one of these, w was creating a bit of a scene by arguing with the waitstaff, etc. At one point she was away from the table complaining about something, and mil said “Jesus, she’s a pain in the ass”. Dead serious, no fondness at all. Maybe mil’s behavior when she was younger somehow validated w’s entitlement to cheat. But she is no supporter of w now. There if w needs to talk to her but not a lot of affection there.

Sad and sick. Go figure. Cheating and cluster diseases take few prisoners.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpguy

CG –

My MIL from HB#1 called my ex (her son) a fool and helped me with the divorce. She is no saint. She was a cheater and so was her husband and they both divorced long before I met her. She never stopped contact with me and even would have Christmas presents for my two children I had later, with my second husband.

We had our disagreements, but she worked on keeping our friendship. I love her for that.

She is a 90 year old pistol, smart as a whip, and to this day (32 years later) we are still great friends. I just recently took her out to get our hair cut. As for x husband, I look at him like someone I use to know. Serial cheater.

I lost a husband but I kept a great friend.

MIL from second ex-husband? If HE called HER (she never called) she would ask, “How’s the girl and the boy?”. Never by name. No acknowledgement, barely a card and never on time for birthdays or holidays, yet very well to do.

Complete lack of bonding.

Cold as ice.

Go figure…

Lucky 35
Lucky 35
8 years ago

I still remember the words of my XMIL shortly after cheater and I became a couple: “he’ll never cheat on you, if you are worried about that.” At the time, I thought it was an odd thing to say and chalked it up to her wacky character. In hindsight, I realize it was a grim warning of what was to come.
Even more remarkable was that this woman (somewhat of a narcissist herself) actually did tell me she was “sad” after d-day, and reminded me I had my career ahead of me and to “go find someone better.” All of it is odd and I believe she does know how messed up her son is and yet, as her only child, she hangs on to the relationship, hoping he’ll magically morph into a decent human being.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky 35

Hmmmm, Lucky, you sparked a memory of mine.
When my STBX was in the early stages of withdrawal from our family and his behavior was beginning to be noticed my MIL pulled me aside and told me that she took notice of his odd behavior, particularly his face being buried in his phone at all times and him never letting it out of his sight. She proceeded to assure me that he wasn’t having an affair, which is the first place HER mind went to, as well. She then went on to say that his behavior mimicked his fathers when he was “doing things he shouldn’t have been doing.” Who know what my ex said to convince her he was innocent but whatever it was, it was a lie.

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  Lucky 35

Mine said to me, when we were having money trouble, a year before the affair (we had never had any drama or marital shit in 20yrs, until we moved close to her), “well you can only leave him if he cheats.” I had never even contemplated leaving him, it wasn’t a horrible crisis, it was life crap and it was a bump in the road. She then told me how excited she was to have him back. Not his wife and kids too, just him. My skin crawled. Why would a mother say that to her dil? It was so out of context. I swear she wanted it to happen – she wNted our marriage to bust up so he could be all hers again. As the mother of a boy, I find this so disordered and disgusting.

He put his fingers in his ears and claimed it didn’t happen until his ic and mc gently then not so gently pointed out how fucked up she is.

Casey
Casey
8 years ago

My ex-mil sent me an email, around my wedding anniversay during false R about how there is only one true love and so on and so forth, that ex made a mistake…… She then went on about how now I know how my own mother felt after my dad cheated (like it was some rite of passage????) and that my mother found a way to forgive my father. She did forgive him eventually, before they both died at early ages, but they hated each other for years and they both had remarried and I had a good life with my mom and stepdad.
I guess my point is that ex-mil is so fucking delusional….like ex’s cheating is a rite of passage. I sure hope my kids never have to go through that. Ex-mil is also a chump that has stayed with cheater. She claims that all the women just love her husband (never puts blame on him) and told me, while they were living in my house for 3 months, that even after she dies (poor health now) if her husband tries to have sex with another women, she hopes with his first thrust, he drops dead. Nice huh? LOL
Oh, and shortly before my dday, she found out that her husband, ex-fil had been secretly conversing with another woman. Yep, cheaters rarely change….
After they moved out of my house, I went no contact. It has been almost two years since I have spoken to any of them. They can keep their lying cheater son.
Oh, and even though ex-mil told me that ex-fil had cheated on her, and ex said that he had a conversation with her about it, ex still denies that his daddy cheated on his mommy. DELUSIONAL!!!!!

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  Casey

My MIL raised four kids. Three of them boys. The ENTIRE family is whacked. Here’s the rundown:

Son # 1: porn addict, cheated on first wife and left her and young daughter for OW. First wife complained about FILs inappropriate behavior towards her. Called her a liar. At 9, found dad’s stash of porn with my stbx who was 8, and they both started masturbating to it regularly.

Son# 2: This one was my special kind of hell. Porn addict, pathological liar, financial fuckerupper, and also ignored me when I told him his father was inappropriate with me. Most likely a cheaterpants, but denied any physical contact other than loving his very own precious penis while looking at “youngish, teenage looking girls”. Yuck.

Daughter #1 pregnant at 16, told me that when she was a teenager, “someone” would slide a mirror under her door to view her dressing or showering. She thought it was her youngest brother, but I think it was her father. When I met her, she had married the father of her child and was on child# 3. And now has 6 girls. The significance of this will become apparent.

Son# 3: This guy. Raped a 16 yo girl when he was 19. Spent a year in jail. Married 5 times and has 3 children from 3 different marriages. MIL blamed all the porn on her computer on him. He is a cheaterpants, and financial horrorshow,and a porn addict.

MIL: Passive aggressive. You know the type. “Oh sweetie that IS a nice diamond my son got you, but you should have seen the engagement diamond he got xyz. THAT was HUGE diamond. But yours is nice”. She said this many many times over my 13 year marriage to her pervert son. And lots of other snide remarks over thirteen years. She also knew of her husband’s oddities. Little stuff like shaving ALL his pubic hair off and not wearing any underwear. Or walking around the house with cotton gym shorts and no underwear when guests were in the house. He also liked to touch me very subtly. Brush against my breasts when hugging me. Hand sliding down to my ass when putting his hand on my back. Hugging a little too tight. I made her and my husband aware of this. We had an “intervention” at my insistance. He sat stonefaced, with his arms crossed and said not one word. Stopped for a while then wholehearted again. Finally, after my stbx actually SAW his dad touch me, after three days of arguing, he told his dad that he could not come over anymore till he got “help”. She did not like the grand children (the girls) to be around him. She said it made her uncomfortable. Finally, it came to light that he did in fact molest three of his granddaughters. When the family had an intervention, she literally fell off her chair crying “I knew it!”. No one would file a police report so I did. She is still married to him. And her children all still see her and her sicko husband. My children are under my protection order and are not allowed to see him or he at the home of FIL. MIL has minimal contact with the youngest two. My older children won’t see or talk to their dad or grandma.

FIL: Child molester, porn addict, pervert. That’s who he is.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Wow wow wow, Irish! Wow….my goodbess, how did you tolerate these people?

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

TBJ, I didn’t know about stbx double life for the three years we dated and the first six years of marriage. I caught him with the porn first time when I was nine days away from having child# 3. His mom and dad lived in a different city across the state, but eventually moved back here. I did not know about the rapist brother until after we were married. The molestation happened 2 summers ago. I told them I was going to file a police report. At that time stbx was a sheriff’s deputy (yeah I know, right?) And he forbid me to file. I did it anyway and it launched an investigation against his dad. And the whole family was pissed at me. My stbx called his sister, told her I had filed a report and told her not to answer the phone or door, and do not answer any questions. The parents of the three girls refused to press charges, and since the molestation happened here and the family lives in a different state, unless the parents press charges, no victim, no crime. I kicked stbx out shortly after, as I found porn usage again. I had told him if I found it again, he would have to leave. He is living in our RV on a friend’s property. He lost his job at the Sheriff’s dept. He went to jail for domestic violence for breaking in and assaulting me after he got served with divorce papers. Of course his parents bonded him out. 18 months and he is dragging this divorce out. He is on his third attorney.

This whole family is perverted. How I didn’t snap to that sooner I’ll never know. I am in a living hell, believe it. I am keeping my eye on the prize though. Escape. Get the Courts ok to move me and my children to a different state and start a new life without these freaks. I know dad will have visitation,with the two who will see him. The older two have not spoken to him or spent time with him since last June.

Who knew there were actually people this f#@$ed up????? I still feel blindsided by this whole thing. And my MIL is a perfect work.

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

MIL is a PIECE of work!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Irish

Clearly the whole family is cracked in the head. Glad you are oughta there, with protection orders in hand, Irish.

Irish
Irish
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thanks LAJ and Calamity. I had to file. It was the right thing to do. I couldn’t sit by and let him get away with that. When it all went down, And stbx was angry and yelling at me for filing on his dad, I asked him what he would have done had it been our girls. He looked at me and said,”I don’t know”. Then I knew all was lost. I knew all I ever needed to know about him. He would not even protect his own daughters. The case against his dad is suspended for now. But if one of the girls decided to prosecute they can. The investigation is still open.

Now I need to get me and my kids out of here. I am definitely afraid of him. He pushes right to the edge of the law. Just this side of illegal. And because he worked as an undercover narcotics officer, he knows how to use surveillance to keep tabs on me. I am in a small town,and he still has friends in the department.

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Irish

I cannot commend you enough for filing a report on that bastard against all odds. I promise the children involved will never forget the person who acted on their behalf. You are a heroine regardless of the outcome.

It took big ovaries to do that.

God speed you to your new location.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

Tracy, I am a MIL and I also have one granddaughter. I have been a part of her life since the day she was born. I have had her every weekend Friday through Sunday since she was a baby as their business required them to work every weekend. When my daughter divorced my son in law I continued with this arrangement. When she was 4 my daughter moved to California. I continued to have my granddaughter every weekend without missing a beat. She has always had her own bedroom and knows I have always been there for her throughout many rough events she has had in her life. My son in law appreciates everything I do for this beautiful child. Last weekend I had three of her friends at our home for a sleepover. She is fourteen now. She loves her mom but our relationship is amazing. Raising a healthy teenager is more important to me than dating.

It is so apparent to me that your MIL is a manipulative bitch. I interpret her bullshit as saying, “I am so selfish and disordered that I would rather hurt my granddaughter through the ‘gift’ of sending her a copy of a hateful, sick, mind fuck of a card than actually have a loving relationship with her that nurtures her soul. This is a perfect example of how narc’s cannot provide love, comfort, and appreciation for the most important people in their lives.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna,
Your granddaughter is so lucky to have you! Sometimes we do not bond with our mother, or the bond isn’t enough support given mom has so many responsibilities. How lucky for her to also have you!
Jen

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Thank you Jen!

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Donna and Drew,
I so mended to read your posts today. I had an amazing relationship with my grandmother growing up. My mother disowned me in my late teens and althought I have tried to mend bridges over the years it has always failed. The last time I saw her was almost 11 years ago my youngest is 10. She knows nothing of my youngest having cancer or my X being a cerial cheater but sends all three of my kids $5 in a card on their birthdays each year. And then I have the XMIL who always favoured her youngest sons defacto in order to influence her should anything go wrong, as she just assumed by my being a Christian if her middle son ever misbehaved I would feel obligated to stay with him. Well out of her three sons only one is still in his long term relationship. And she is a codependent enabler bad mouthing both myself and my defacto SIL in describing how poorly treated her boys are. She smugly said to a friend of mine recently if it was not for her and my X’s younger brother my two girls 10 & 12 would receive no nurturing at all. Yep in just 48 hours a fortnight which is all he has them for. She is a selfish bitch and so is her son.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Thankful, we always want the best for our children. I tell mine that it’s not always family that comes through but those kindred spirits we run into along the way. My children are hands down my greatest blessing…. My prayers and good thoughts go out to you and your precious daughter.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Thank you Chumps! Part of the reason I stayed with my EX through the years of hell was because I was raised by a beautiful, selfless, mom who loved unconditionally. My father is an abusive raging narc. He is so toxic I stopped seeing him when my mom passed. My ex prefers his OW to his family. He gave each of my children 100 for Christmas and has limited contact with his only granddaughter. My children are adults and came to understand their father through his behavior. They realized I was the one that was always there for them and why I stayed. My biggest regret was staying past the boiling point in my relationship. My children suffered as a result of my staying with my EX throughout their childhood. I didn’t realize my EX was a narc until this year through therapy. He wasn’t like my father, he appeared to be a good guy. As they age the abuse becomes blatant and sadistic. He controlled me through undermining over the years. Once he said, “If I were a woman, I would be the most beautiful woman I could be”. No one will rob me from the joy my children and granddaughter bring to my life. Staying with a cheater is accepting a slow drip of toxic waste into your veins. Its never too late to gain your life back, however painful.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Wow Donna, I have a wonderful and loving relationship with both of m grandmothers and I can truly say that their unconditional love & affection has made such a difference in my life. You’re a great role model.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Donna

Wow, Donna, you are to be admired. Young people today are growing up in moral vacuums. They don’t have what your granddaughter has, a real loving relationship that feeds her soul. My in laws (both SILs as my ex’s parents died young) are incapable of building healthy relationships for whatever reason so I was more thankful for those few people in my children’s lives who recognized they were worth loving than I was for the people who were actually related to them. My own mother is a Narc whose idea of love is to toss dollars at my kids rather than attend anything they had going. Their father, as the years passed, became someone more and more the same (disordered), more and more concerned about what he wanted, to the exclusion of our family (he is however very successful in other areas of his life, like Tiger Woods, lol) . His family only show up at important events (graduation, holidays) and my ex SIL posts crap all the time on my children’s web pages lauding their new “lovely” (Owife). Makes me sick. No contact is best for me.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

The MIL…. The tree from which my fuckwitt did fall…. On his head… And under the wheels of on coming traffic. The pseudo pillar of strength that she is… So dignified… Smug…handing out her old testament advice. Pulling that fucking bible out of her ass when she needed to ‘ learn me’
The woman who had a year long affair and was beaten to a pulp by her createn of a husband…. And her reward? She continues to live in a 40 year relationship with her own fucktard who has been involved with another woman x ten years. Turning a blind eye to save her marriage. Turning a blind….blackened eye to his infidelities and the physical abuse she has endured. Her advice to me. Pray. fight for your marriage.
I would call her a victim… But she has preyed upon my SIL …lashing out at her… Making her the target of her unhappiness. She even assaulted ( not just a slap in the face but full on punches) her in front of my SIL ‘s children. And the SIL husband , my ex BIL… He just sat and watched as his class act mother made his wifes face a pulpy mess. The SIL has since left with her children and never returned.
Idiot of course never confessed to his parents… But suddenly there is a girl with him attending the family fourth of July celebration…we were still married… He living in a dorm room… nobody asked questions and carried on like I never existed. It was just that easy for them… Poof I was there… Poof… Now your not. My daughter still cant wrap her brain or feelings around how I no longer exist in their world. The inlaws and the Ex call me ‘ ‘ ‘They ‘ and ‘It’
I simply dont exist anymore…. Works for me.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

It is becoming easier to understand how the Narc’s development went astray when their families allow the OW into their lives without a blink. They enjoy the pain they inflict. I am sure of that after reading about the MIL’s and FOO’s of these cheaters. After attending a funeral where my EX was present recently, I decided to never put myself in this position again.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip, this story ranks up there with the most disgusting things I’ve read here. It was a big shock to me when I started to understand narcissists as individuals. Now it’s clear that some narcissists come from a whole nest of similar nut jobs. It’s not surprising that it takes so long for chumps in such situations to recover, given that they are dealing with not just a cheating jackass but a whole dysfunctional family of abusers.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Loved, thank you for saying that and validating everything I have felt over these last few months. As brave as I try to come across … I still am deeply wounded by all of this. Tincture of time.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

It seems more common than not…. which makes sense considering how disturbing all of these behaviors are and how deeply depraved and disgusting the sexual issues… porn addictions…. sex addictions…. so many chumps on here talking about finding out their X’s have engaged with prostitutes of one or both sexes…. people trolling sex sites and craig’s list… etc.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip–“It” and “they”???!!!! Holy f*ing crap. I’m sure that must have hurt at first (adding insult to their son’s injury), but if there is anyone well-served by having their in-laws amputated, it is you. Garbage, the lot of them.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Ha ha… mine’s monster of a mother had to have breast surgery one month, almost to the day, prior to D-Day and it just so happened to be on MY birthday. Guess who she expected (and volunteered) to take care of her??? And although STBX thought she was a HUGE asshole for doing so, he naturally never had the “minerals” to tell her so to her FACE. I spent my birthday evening caring for her, giving her meds, helping her with her drains, making sure she didn’t fall on her ass for the first 24 hours. I had also previously cared for her through recovery of TWO hip surgeries. Three months later when he leaves… he goes to live with her…. one month later when I go in for my double mastectomy I get a text “Just want you to know you’re in my prayers good luck today”. That was it. Not one phone call to see how her youngest grandson was weathering the destruction….. no acknowledgement of the cheating (even though she knew about previous cheating and DENIED said knowledge)…. good riddance…. My family is dysfunctional but WE embrace that shit…. we talk about it… we do not hide and pretend we TRUDGE right through it and work it out!! I have NEVER in my LIFE met an entire family where the whole F*CKING lot shares the same delusional fuckwit mentality???? Holy sheepshit Batman!!

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  NCStevie

NCStevie – wow. This post hit me really hard. I can’t imagine what it was like to offer so much comfort to somebody like your mil – it is draining, very emotional and get rather close to somebody you are caretaking of. I’ve been through that. But, to have the reverse happen to you, and I’m so sorry you had the double M – wow – and she didn’t even fucking CALL YOU? I am beyond words with the appallishness (is that a word) of this. My faith in humanity can sometimes show the real Devils out there. I’m so sorry to read this. I hope you are doing well and high five to a fellow breast-cancer survivor.

NCStevie
NCStevie
8 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Hey Shechump…. high five back to you fellow breast-cancer survivor. I was very fortunate, healed up CRAZY fast after my double M and I am getting along fabulously. Cheaterpants has had my head swimming from all the mindfuckery so that the anxiety from his antics kept the freaking out from the breast cancer under control. These past 3 months have been some of the most difficult times of my life…. but hey surviving all of the dysfunction in my early life primed me for survival.

Honestly… “MEH!” to the MIL for sure!! I figured her ass out a LONG time ago and she’s no loss, she is the “great pretender”. Her second XH was a raging and abusive alcoholic from who she (supposedly) failed to protect X and siblings simply because she liked the perks of having his money & the lifestyle. Putting herself before her kids was about ALL I needed to know to write that bitch off as useless. What a bunch of pretentious ASS-WIPES. They are all “NON confrontational” no matter what the situation or cost…. it is so fucking MORONIC. They all TRULY believe they are ALL super special and everything is “always fabulous”. Narcfest!!

Early in our relationship (we were perpetually engaged) I suspected he had cheated on wife #2 and when I asked Mommy she said “oh I think they were both wanting to end the marriage”. When I suspected he was having an EA a year ago I just flat out asked wife #2 (we get along fabulously, I am good to her kids and she knows I love them) and she laid it all out. Yes.. he cheated, was always selfish… never wrong… always about him….. workaholic (never home)…. trips for him with the “guys” (probably cheater weekends)…….unaccounted for $$$…. had their taxes f’d up for a few years (non filing)…. avoid… avoid… avoid. Same. shit. show. Oh… and when she confronted him with the affair…. same thing… mask fell off & the persona evaporated…. what a fucking coward. Repeat cheaterpants offender.

deedee
deedee
8 years ago

My Ex MIL used to spend almost every holiday with us over my 20 year marriage. She loved her 2 grand kids so much. Used to phone me once a week and spend an hour on the phone. Never spoke to her son, I used to have to make him phone her once in a while.

During our separation while the ex lived in the spare room, she stayed with us for a month! I took time off work, took her out shopping, to the beach & her friends houses for visits. the last Sunday she was there I went to water the garden and ex came outside about 20 minutes later and started yelling at me that I have made his mother uncomfortable during her stay and what is my problem. I was speechless, I couldn’t even respond! Later that evening she had a full on confrontation with my eldest, who was 16 at the time, about her attitude etc. And my eldest is so helpful and pleasant to be around, but was only 16, and quite traumatized by her fathers behavior. She then threw herself on her bed and sobbed loudly for about an hour about how she didn’t feel respected and loved. OMG!!!!!

After that visit I was cut off from her totally, no calls and a “happy birthday” via SMS a week after she left, my two kids also only received “happy birthday” via sms for their birthdays and no gifts sent either. Come Christmas we got the same cold shoulder. 2 years later and I have still not spoken to her. The SMS’s have stopped. She has phoned my kids twice and it was very awkward for them. They do not want to see her or speak to her. She now spend every holiday with her son who lives about 20 minutes away. She has seen them once in two years.

These people are amazing!

Susan
Susan
8 years ago
Reply to  deedee

My MIL treats my daughters just like this. All she does is criticize them. Doesn’t communicate with them. My STBX insisted that his parents come to daughter’s college graduation. They drove 11 hours and when it came time for the ceremony, she took “ill”, spent the time in the bathroom and had to be driven back to the hotel room. She missed the ceremony and the baccaulaureate mass (she’s not Catholic). Then my STBX had to drive half an hour back to the hotel to pick her up for dinner while we waited at the restaurant. This is a pattern for her — every Christmas she’d show up, get “sick” and stay in our attic room for the day. Since she couldn’t be the center of attention, she had to find another way to make herself known!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan–sounds like histrionic personality disorder.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Female narcissists are very threatened by their younger female relatives, especially their own children. My mother tried to make herself the “victim” of my unplanned pregnancy at 23. I was not 16, and capable of handling the experience without her help.

She refused to attend any of the baby showers thrown for me by friends and coworkers. She refused to let any of her friends or family know I was pregnant because I was not married. She flat out refused to speak to me until I was eight months along. I refused to allow her to be at the hospital during the birth of my son mainly because I did not think I could get through labor and deal with her mindfucking bullshit at the same time. The nurses were very glad, as they were fielding her ridiculous phone calls trying to control decisions about being induced. She showed up the next day, very pouty, not at all thrilled with the miracle of her first grandchild.

She also ruined the process of planning, and the eventual wedding my sister had. She just can’t stand anything that is not about her own glorification. Then she tried to blame it on me. “You ruined your sisters wedding for me with your jealousy.” Projection much?

My ex’s mother is also a narcissist. I wonder if that is how we ended up attracted to each other. As I am working through my own feelings about a ten year (relationship?) ending, I am slightly comforted to know that I can leave the pathology behind. He was always going to belong to Momma and he hated that. But instead of directing that anger at her it was directed at me with his ridiculous passive aggression. God I hope to avoid this silliness if I ever have another relationship. I actually have no desire to marry.

CRHCHK
CRHCHK
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Ug. My MIL told me she was upset and jealous when they discovered and began caring for a daughter her brother had whom they never knew existed before (another F’d up story). I could not understand what she meant by that. Said she’d always been the only girl. Freak.

Thankful
Thankful
8 years ago
Reply to  Jen

Omg Jen,
This was my mum all over.
My mother attended neither mine or the wedding of my sisters(9 yrs older than me) claiming on both counts to be mistreated and unloved by us living our own lives.
I have come to realise that I married a man just like my mother, and they both love the drama basking in its glow. Good drama focused on them and bad drama (mostly of there making) projected onto others. My mother also refused to come to the baby shower of my first child as it was being held on the same day on which my father had passed some 23 years earlier. Her claim was that she would be spending the day as she always did in commemoration of him. I don’t recall any commemoration on Christmas Day a month after he died when the man who eventually became my stepfather moved in or the entire ten years he was with us. Yep Narc’s program their kids to pick Narc partners.

I so need to ensure my picker is fixed.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Yes, the getting sick at holidays is one of her favorite stunts. Then after my sister and I do all the cooking she says how happy she is that we did it, because she had to do it all by herself all those years.

My ex has to spend all holidays with his mother who lives 3 hours away. I was only invited a few times, but never argued with him going without me. She got downright angry if I tried to help.. She would not allow me to steal any of her spotlight. I am realizing now, he actually does resent her narcissistic claim on him. He was trying to act that out in a very passive aggressive with me.

I was always told to watch a man for how he treats his mother, but now I think it might also be wise to watch how she treats him.

conniered
conniered
8 years ago

The future of my relationship with my in-laws has been up in the air since DDay (back in August ’14). I called my MIL right after I confronted the cheater and told her everything and that that was the reason we were cancelling our plans to visit them in a week. I changed my marital status on facebook to “separated” that week. It was clear that my husband didn’t want to reconcile or even talk to me. He went NC. My MIL mentioned that to me. Said that maybe I was pushing him away and all that. Whatever. He just didn’t want anyone to know the truth. As time as passed, our relationship has become chilly. At Christmas time, she texted me that she wanted me to return a Santa table that her darling son used as a child. She told me she was afraid I would throw it out when I got out all my Christmas decorations. Why would she think that??? I would never do that. We had a row on the phone with me crying my eyes out about it. Then in January, I emailed her, FIL and cheater because my son wants to visit them this summer. He’s been bugging me so I reached out. No one has emailed me back. Not. A. Single. One. It’s almost March. None of them seem to realize that maintaining a good relationship with me benefits them. I have primary custody of our son, their grandson. *I* decide if he travels and for how long. And right now, I am preparing to tell my son that they are just too busy or something came up. I have had time to prepare to let this relationship die.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  conniered

Con, I havr a very similar dialogue, or lack thereof, with my ex-in laws. I too have primary custody and not once since our split in 11/2013 has anyone reached out to me concerning mine or our daughters wellbeing. They are completely dependent on their son to bring our 2 year old to them. But, as they will soon enough find out, he only works for himself. There will be a time when he’s not bringing her to them during his 1 1/2 days a week and guess who they’ll have to reach out to if they want to see her?

I’ve remained distant and allowed them to live in their miserable fantasy land, if they want to live in lies then they shall. But I did text his mother upon receiving multiple delinquent parking tickets and unpaid car bills of STBX’s (my name is still on the car so I get all the mail & phone calls about these things…how perfect for him). I informed her that i would be forwarding his mail to her home and during that text I mentioned that at some point we will have to communicate for the benefit of their grandchild. No reply.

Oh well….I hold the cards so when/if they want to see her in the future on a day that isn’t their sons they will have to cuddle up to the idea of communicating with me. They’ll also be at my mercy at that time….I’m not vindictive but I also won’t do them the favor of laying down, letting them control the narrative and being their victim.

We shall see. 🙂

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Love this, TheBetterJaime, “I also won’t do them the favor of laying down, letting them control the narrative, and being their victim.”

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Drew

🙂

conniered
conniered
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

TheBetterJamie, I don’t know WHAT they think of me. MIL has sent me a birthday present last month. I have stopped sending cards for Valentine’s Day and stuff like that. Christmas, yes. For my son. But he skypes with them but I don’t get in on the conversations. I just listen. It’s more stunted than before. I don’t know when (if ever) my son will see them again. I am putting him in therapy soon. Just waiting for the health insurance that cheater is supposed to be providing with child support.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  conniered

They probably would never admit it but I think deep down they’re ashamed. Like the abandoners, they find it easier to run and hide.

onthehill
onthehill
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

My X’s daughter – whom I basically brought up – sent me back a box of gifts that I had given her over the years. I think it is the same deal (shame in some way) – but it still stung.

conniered
conniered
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

LIna, I think you are right. And because they avoid anything “controversial” they won’t reach out to me about it. It’s just a big elephant in the room. It hurt so bad in the beginning. I would email them to give them updates about me and their grandson but they would never respond. Not often anyway. I’m sure I could reach out but what would be the point? I’d have to work just as hard as I did with my cheater to get something in return…and I’m just tired of doing that. Love and relationships shouldn’t leave you completely exhausted and unfulfilled.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  conniered

I really feel for those of you with children. My heart goes out to you.

Shechump
Shechump
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

Lina – my thoughts exactly. We never had children and I cannot imagine any of my sister’s/brothers’ who are grandparents to ever abandon their grandchildren in a zillion years – and oh yes, through kids’ divorces. Like – that’s the WHOLE point of having kids isn’t it? To enjoy the grandkids. This is making my heart ache.

And, I was lucky with my MIL, although she did raise her first born to be the Golden Boy who could do no wrong and who would always make her DIL’s feel like her sons ‘married down’….she’s been nice to me. Sent her flowers last Easter and she phoned me and now we talk. The first thing she, very nervously said was, I just don’t want to talk about ‘THAT”. {No Elephant for me – I felt sorry for us both} I felt the same way talking to her about it too — she doesn’t need any details but does know the Golden Boy has lost his shine in the family (I was well liked I guess). But, the relationship will die. No kids involved. That makes me sad after knowing her 36 yrs. The in-laws are gone because of the cheaters. That’s all.

kim
kim
8 years ago

Have any of you ever experienced the ugly hurtful comments from your mother in law( during the separation with your husband after he abandoned you and your family? ) If so did you have the misfortune of later finding out that your husband confided in your mother in law about the affair he was having weeks prior to walking out on us and her response was to him” life was just too short to be unhappy.” How do you manage even pretending to be OK with her having a relationship with your daughter? I struggle so much with this.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  kim

I am convinced that xMIL knew of the affair well before I did. And then she supported xH when he left, furnishing his new apartment with a dining table, chairs, a new BBQ, etc. She gave him emotional support, and gave him advice on the divorce proceedings, as if I was now her enemy, too. I am certain that she never really did like me. Believe me, I’d tried over the years, even when her son (my ex) and her daughter treated her like crap. She never once reached out to me to see if I needed anything nor to see how I was doing. Instead, she canceled our joint Costco membership, and I found out when I was in line ready to pay for my groceries. It was a slight, but I put up two middle fingers in my head and bought my own effing membership. She didn’t HAVE the grace to tell me–she is a coward and a victim, and she raised two of her own.

So, to answer your question, I am NC with the woman, and have been since the day she e-mailed me a long explanation of why she was counseling her son to NOT sign an agreement to pay half of her grandchildren’s college tuition at public universities. The letter included, of course, a reference to the fact that I was partly to blame for the demise of my marriage to a cheater who abandoned his family. Her justification was a thinly veiled threat that if I were to turn the children against their father, then he had every right to withhold financial support from them. She gravely instructed me to never badmouth him, forgetting, of course, that his actions did all the speaking for him. I didn’t have to say a word, because my children know first hand that their father is a mentally ill liar, and they know first hand that I am not the reason.

I am NC with her, and that has worked well for me. Twice she cornered me at a school event, once to cry and beg me to allow her grandson to have lunch with her and her son. Oh, for I am such a bitch and always was, you see. I am certain that she had delusions of me forbidding him to dine with his father and grandmother–nothing could be further from the truth. My son was of an age where he organized his own time, and I was merely facilitative. I briefly replied, truly bewildered, that I was sure my son would be delighted to join her. Then I walked away to visit with people I like. At another event she complimented my outfit. I smiled sweetly and said, “Thanks!” and walked away.

She sends Christmas cards to my home addressed only to my children. She is a manipulative and miserable old woman, dying a slow death of emphysema, alcoholism, victimhood, and bitterness. I used to try to help her with her worries–no more. When she cooked for the family, I cleaned her whole kitchen, while her entitled children basked in their satiety (and cigarettes and beer and TV and stimulating conversation.) No more.

But she was always very good to my children–very thoughtful and sweet. I will always love and appreciate her for that. My children visit her for major holidays–she hosts. In fact, my children have never visited their father’s new home that he shares with the troll who is now his “wife.” My MIL’s house is the only home they all visit together. I know my children will not allow her to badmouth me nor to portray me as a bully to her victim. I know she loves them and has done so for their ever. I know that the traditions she has shared with them and created for them are a big part of their emotional well-being, and I am grateful for that. So when they visit her with their father, I am happy for them, and I let it be. If I ever felt that anyone at her home was abusing them mentally or physically, I would encourage them to find somewhere else to be, but that’s not the case (they are adults.)

I thought about reaching out to xMIL for a while, to see how she’s doing, see if she needs anything. And then I thought better of it. I don’t want to be part of that life any more. I am not part of that family. It’s sad, but that’s what was chosen for me, and I accept it. Truthfully, I couldn’t honestly say to myself that I wasn’t just trying to get closer to my ex by reaching out to xMIL, and I couldn’t say for sure that it wouldn’t create entanglements that I don’t want in my life. I don’t want to hear xMIL excuse her son’s behavior nor sit through an impeachment of mine.

My advice? Go NC with your xMIL. Create no drama, do not participate in any way. Just let it be. You will find peace in that.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

well said: “I am not part of that family. It’s sad, but that’s what was chosen for me, and I accept it.”

kim
kim
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

I know in my heart you are right. I am almost envious of your healthy take on your children’s relationship with her. I was traumatized all over again after the news of her prior knowledge of ex affair that it rekindled the feeling of loss and betrayals all o er again. Two years later , still BC with any of in laws. Even after my confirmed cervical cancer due to the exs gift of a std hpv16, two surgeries, 10 rounds of chemo and 15 rounds of radiation. So so sad.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  kim

Rest assured that I do carry a lot of bitterness inside me. I am normal, too.

I just realize I have a choice–more pain by lashing out or even reaching out with an olive branch, OR, a slow and intentional road to peace.

I’m after peace. I’m not completely there yet, and I’m not sure I ever will be. I know that I’ve come a long way. I used to literally PACE and obsess when xH took my kids to a holiday at his mother’s house. Now I don’t do that. I know my kids are being enriched and I know they know right from wrong. Believe me–it took me a long time to get to that place. It was painful for a long time. But I’m doing much better. You will, too.

We can’t change what happened. We can only be smarter and wiser going into our futures. Sometimes very bad things happen to very good people. And how we react is what will make the difference, and it is up to us.

For me personally, that does NOT mean forgiveness. I will never forgive the betrayal and pain and loss not just to me but especially to my children. It just means that I am more selective about whom I spend my precious time with. I try to focus on the good in my life. There is plenty. I hope for that for you, too.

Take your vitamin D, hon! If you smoke–stop (THAT would be a sweet revenge!)
http://www.vitamindcouncil.org/health-conditions/cervical-cancer/

kim
kim
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Thank you. I want to be rid of this hate. This whole nightmare for me and my daughter is like being shot in the head by people I loved and then stood over and cursed because my blood was on their white carpet. I’ve never smoked (cigarettes that is). 😉 Weed was helpful during chemo though. Again you inspire me.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  kim

It IS a loss and it WAS a betrayal. Know that you are not crazy.

I can say that it did hurt to be left out of the old traditions I was once a part of. It feels as though you’ve been ejected from your life–when you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s an injustice!

But it IS. And you have to accept it, and you have to realize that your xMIL is not healthy. Sounds like that whole family is unhealthy.

I feel angry about what you’ve been through, health-wise, and the emotional toll that it must have taken, if you’re normal (you’re normal!)

But you will receive NO validation from them. Know that. Know that any attempt to reach out to them or to find solace–or even just a hint of admission–is chasing fool’s gold.

As badly as it hurts to be NC with the people you thought were family, when you need them most, know that NC is the most direct way to the State of Meh.

You are brave, my dear. Keep up the good work.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Ugh, this letter is so full of blame and arrogance. Happy Birthday to you (but actually go eff yourself and since I’m kinda bored today let me pass along my subtle, yet obvious judgments I’ve made about you from my sons infidelity).

Thankfully, STBX isolated me from his family months before I kicked him out and discovered his infidelity. He knew damn well I would expose him and his family had already begun asking questions. So, eliminate the source of the information that could incriminate you. They all happily obliged, too. I don’t know what family of trolls allows they’re loser 28 year old son/brother to control them, dictate their own behavior and throw up an invisible barrier between them and the mother of their, then 1 year old Grandchild/Niece….apparently trolls who don’t mind it. I was very close with his family, so I thought, but now realize they were all just like him- big talk, no follow through. If I were blessed to have a sibling (I’m an only child) and they were married and a split happened, whatever the reason….I would reach out to them. Especially if they shared a child! My God, what kind of awful creatures turn their backs on you while you single handedly raise their grandchild for their absentee son? I had our toddler for 3 months straight every day and night while he had her for a couple hours here and there, I’d lost 20 pounds from stress, was a total wreck from learning of the infidelity, was heartbroken from the dissolution of our marriage, was working extra to pay all the bills + keep food in the house because the ex withheld money and not so much as a “are you ok.”, “do you need anything?”, “can we help?”.

My STBX did move back in with his empty nester parents and I think his mommy was elated to have someone to cater to and a distraction from her very eon checked out husband. But that must’ve gone south quickly because he’s now living with his 23 year old college student OW in the apartment her parents pay for. Lol.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago

My Ex MIL is a narcissistic, selfish, self absorbed, nasty, judgemental, jealous bitch. During the discard he started acting just like her. Interestingly, after the last holiday together where she humiliated her teenage grandson in front of everyone in the family EH said said to me, “Now you know why I’m the way I am.” He was gone within two weeks. This is the only time I heard him speak bad of her. She never liked me, didn’t want him to marry me, and treated me like crap and an outsider throughout our whole marriage but he never saw it and never took my side. Then he comes out with that. Fucked up for sure. I have never heard one word from any of my former “family” of 23 years since he left. Not one has reached out to me. And he used to tell me it was my imagination that they didn’t like me. Good riddance to bad rubbish.

kim
kim
8 years ago

Yes Jamie I can relate to all of your trauma. I believe my cheater gaslite my in laws with smear campaigns as well. Then he unloaded his of course very justified affair. But he informed his mother WEEKS prior to walking out on us…. 22 years of marriage , her first grandchild( who is disabled and needing lots of medical and attention) and me, his wife& her daughter in law where previously there were no conflict. WTF?

The Middle of the Ride
The Middle of the Ride
8 years ago

Wow. I am so glad this posted today. A lot of the grief I have felt since my husband left me and our two babies has been from the loss of my inlaws. I thought they truely loved me. However, they turned immediately. My MIL posted passive aggressive memes on facebook. On my my daughter’s 2nd birthday she posted. “Divorce is not a tragedy. The real tragedy is staying with someone you do not love and teaching your children the wrong things about love. Never be afraid to leave anyone who does not grow you or make you happy.” As though my husband had done something brave and selfless by leaving with a coworker and giving her my car.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

The Middle of the Ride–time to “unfriend” MIL from Facebook (and in real life). Cuz, sure, whoring around, breaking your marriage vows, and leaving your daughter in a broken home is noble. (head on desk)

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, LOL, you are always “spot on!”

kim
kim
8 years ago

Exactly as if you are nothing and your children , her grandchildren are just things…..

The Middle of the Ride
The Middle of the Ride
8 years ago
Reply to  kim

Yes. And choosing to post on baby girls birthday was the last straw. It was only about 2 mknths since he announced his decision to leave without any warning. I did not want the focus her birthday to be on our drama. So I blocked her and proceeded to make the day the best I could. I have found out from my sweet little girl that the MOW has already been welcomed into the family. We are currently 5 months from his announcement and only 4 from me finding out about MOW. (Which he is still denying despite the fact the lawyers found he gave her my car. And our 2 year old comes back from visitation talking about how MOW and her kids sleep at daddy’s and bathe at daddy’s.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago

What an aggressive freak your xMIL is, posting crap like that on your FB page. WTH is wrong with her? She has no grace and no class. But I’m not shocked.

Keep up the NC with her. Eventually she will turn on the OW.

You see, this is personal to her. She HAS to blame anyone but your xH. Otherwise she only has her son to blame, and it is clear that she puts her ego in her son.

Yuck.

STAY NC!!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Middle, I’m so sorry. That’s SUCH a shit sandwich with a side of ass fries. I have to hear about how my 2 year old loves the OW and that buuuuurned like hell for quite some time. As difficult as it was, I e come to a better place on it. At least she’s good to my daughter and oddly, her interest in my child has made her father be more invested in his time with her (so he can keep up the superdad image that impresses sweet, naive OW so much). It’s really all bs in the end because everuthing he does is a farce but at least my child enjoys her minimal time with her dad and OW. It could be worse.

Hugs!

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

OW is faking her interest in your child. That interest is all about showing your ex that she is a good person–but she’s not a good person. xH is faking HIS interest, because he thinks that’s what OW will think makes him a good person. But neither of them are good people, and they will lose interest. You see, your ex can only put up with not being the center of OW’s attention for so long, and he is a hard-core cheater.
But you will be the rock in your kid’s life when their charade is over.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Yep, Miss Sunshine! Just what I was thinking when I read that crap! It’s all about image with these crap weasels and they can’t even be “genuine” with each other! They are such fakes! Makes you want to puke!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

And yes to this ^
I know they’re both putting on a great show to impress the other and their respective families. Hell….she might be a narc, too. Who knows! Lol b

I’m hoping the commodity eventually wears off and I just have my daughter all the time. If he were a functioning human I would be over the moon to have him in her life. But sadly that’s not who he is.

The Middle of the Ride
The Middle of the Ride
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Thanks so much corn then reply. You are right there is a comfort in my oldest being excited about visiting. I do not hear much about MOW herself but Babygirl is thrilled about seeing her little boy. I have not said anything to STBX about it since I know it would not help. He found out I knew at the deposition. But it frustrates me he is still pretending he left “for the good of the children” and has not got a girlfriend. A man does not give a car to a woman, leave his wife, and suddenly have woman around the kids without having a relationship, right? But according to the attorney I have nothing but a “vague intuition ” that he had an affair at all. I just wish he would admit it. But I know I will have to let that go.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Same here, I can’t prove he was with THIS OW before we separated. Now, his OW that was his first choice…I can prove that one. But sadly it does me no good. He has nothing to lose and I have already gained everything I could from just the divorce itself.
Sad, current OW/girlfriend has no idea what kind of ass she’s dealing with, but she will. She also likely has no idea that she was the backup plan to the backup plan…ouch. I bet she did her own fancy rendition of the pick me dance when he was “torn” between me (his wife & his child), first OW and her.
I kicked his ass out, informed first OW of his game and we both fled the scene. That left only current OW available. So sad. She actually seems like a decent human being aside from having a terrible picker, like myself. Just for the record I don’t believe she had any idea he and I were still together when they met, I also don’t think they were more than friends at that point because he was so aggressive with first OW.

Ugh…too much thinking about his games gives me a headache. Lol.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
8 years ago

Chump Tracey’s MIL is one scary, aggressive individual.

I have mixed feelings about my parents in-laws. On the one hand, My MIL supported me probably as best she could after D-Day #1. (FIL was fairly kind, too, although he gave his cheating abusive son, way too much credit–‘You both have such fine qualities.’) On the other hand, in spite of knowing that their son had gay extra-marital affairs, they blamed their cheating son’s first ex-wife (who preceded me) for destroying cheater’s previous marriage with a lesbian affair. They conveniently forgot to mention that their son was cheating on his then-wife. Their son’s ex-wife told cheater that she would reveal his secret to them if he didn’t, so he confessed to his parents.) After more than a decade, I finally understand why they got very uncomfortable when certain sexual issues were appropriately brought up in discussion. (I used to think that they were just ‘uber-religious prudes. Now I realize that the discussion hit too close to home. They were going to sweep all dirt under the rug.) Projection is the modus operandi in this family. If they had all been honest and open about their predilections (e.g., Cheater had not while we were dating outright lied to me about his gay affairs before I met him), this awful marriage and subsequent train wreck could have been prevented.

chumpfor21
chumpfor21
8 years ago

My ExMIL has been a pain in the rear from the start. She spent our wedding reception in the bar with my SIL and her “roommate” (who I declined to invite because SIL was still married to another guy and the roommate was a creepy white-power jerk). She blamed me for “ruining Christmas” because I insisted on having the Christmas celebration at my home instead of hers. She as invited to attend of course – but kids deserve to have that holiday in their own home. Plus, I shared custody and holidays with the kids’ dad – so my opportunity for that celebration in my own home only came every other year. Cannot understand why I would not want to drag little kids away from their presents to spend the holiday in a smoke-filled, filthy, and boring place.

I wish I had a tshirt made declaring that I ruined Christmas. It’s my favorite example of her lunacy. But she did raise a selfish, fake, and terrible person. Should have seen the red flags all around me.

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago

Tracey and all of you sufferers of in-law bullshit my heart goes out to you. My in-laws might be slightly weird and sowed the seeds of my ex-wife’s desperate narcissism, but they have been kind and inviting to me post split-up. They are starting to welcome in my ex-wife’s long term affair partner (ugh), and that is their business… or something.

It hurts in a way but is a reminder to me that moving on is a good thing. Reading your messages reminds me how absolutely devastating it would be to me if my daughters’ grandparents, aunts and uncles were blame shifting ass-wipes. That would be a whole other level of family loss and hurt.

You all are being string and awesome.

Kira
Kira
8 years ago

That letter is crazy all the way around. I detect the odor of MeMeMeMe Narc. “I keep trying to talk to you, but you won’t, you’re mean, you ruined your marriage to my son, you’re terrible, but didn’t we have some good times? See, I’m TRYING to reach out to you, aren’t I so nice and gracious?” There’s a lot of “I” in that! Bad enough to send to you, but to your daughter, her granddaughter? YEAH.

My ExMIL is a Narc. She is definitely where X gets it from. And he and his siblings are all Narcs of varying degrees – they all act entitled in some fashion, are all cheaters and all divorced, have trouble holding down jobs, etc. The funny thing is, X was always annoyed by his family, never wanted to be around them, quick to point out their terrible behavior, especially his mom, and then turns around and is JUST LIKE THEM.

ffghtr67
ffghtr67
8 years ago

This made me laugh this morning.

My XMIL was truly one of the most evil people I have ever met in my life. Complete manipulative, judgmental and narcissistic individual. Hypocrite to boot! It actually started from the moment I first met her when I was an 18 year old kid and I was dating her daughter. I could do nothing right in her eyes and I was not good enough for her daughter, no matter what I did. I could have shit gold bricks and she would have complained that they were 14 karat instead of 18 karat. She said I was the laziest SOB on the earth even though she never worked a single day of her life. She actually told my ex-wife that she should get an abortion when she found out her daughter was pregnant.

This is the same woman and family that got kicked out of a Bob Evans restaurant for dropping the ‘f’ bomb too many times. Classy! There are too many other bizarre stories about her to bring up.

The reality I discovered at the end of my marriage was that XMIL was a cheater herself; every story I had heard in my 24 years with my wife and her family suddenly made sense. XMIL and WAW had some serious FOO issues that I wasn’t going to sort out, nor do I want to.

Good riddance! I will never have to spend another horrible Thanksgiving, Christmas or Easter listening to or having to tolerate that utter stupidity! XMIL, XBIL and WAW can all go fuck off and die for all I care!

tryinghard
tryinghard
8 years ago

I can say I am the proud winner of having the most NPD, passive-aggressive MIL in the world!!!! I would have considered this a love letter compared to what she has done and said to me over 40 years. LOL the good news is she’s old and will soon be gone! And NO ONE will be sad she’s gone. NO ONE!! Check that one off my list.

I hope this woman completely ignores this old hag. I have an ex DIL and I treat her like gold even though I can’t stand her. YEP she was a cheater to my son but guess what I have a grandchild for whom she is the mother and my grandchild loves her. I will NEVER let on how loathsome I think she is.

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
8 years ago

My experience has been different. My mil witnessed the final scene w STBXH that caused me to file, and was horrified. She has told him I will always be her daughter, that I was always there for the family, and that he has lost his mind. And don’t bring any whores around HER house…

I am grateful. It has helped a lot to be able to talk with her. I am sorry the rest of you have had a hard time. None of this is easy. But I’m not sure I would have made it without her and my folks support. It’s near done me in, even so. I am in awe of what so many of you have coped with and come out the other side. I am looking forward to getting there.

Valerie
Valerie
8 years ago

My ex-MIL was a good person. We weren’t especially close because of a language barrier, but she knew I took good care of the house and of her son. When D-Day occurred, he even told me that when he told his mother what happened, she replied “Of my 4 children you are the smartest, but you acted the stupidest”. I ran into my ex-MIL,FIL and SIL in a grocery store 2 years after I left. MIL began crying right there in the produce aisle, said she always loved me. So sad to see elderly parents so broken up over the ramifications of their child’s fuck-ups.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago

You’ll get there.

I mean, check out your name! That’s awesome! You got something in you, don’t you. Your sense of humor is going to carry you far.

Nearlyfree
Nearlyfree
8 years ago

I’m almost as astonished at ex mil’s behaviour as her cheating sons. Her husband had an affair when her son was ten (thirty years ago) The story of her hurt and the evil pair who’d done this to her dominated her every converation. Even casual aquaintances heard about the evil ex and his foul OW. She wished death, horrible illness and made life difficult for my ex when he wanted to see his dad. When we said we were getting married her first words were “How could you do this to me I’m going to have to see them at the wedding)

Anyway the woman who had tried to run her husband’s affair partner, attacked her in the street and was still pouring hate on her 30 years later invited my son’s girlfriend round for tea, told me I must welcome this lovely young woman into the family, told me she’d be a lovely second mummy to my children and asked me what I’d done to drive her son to an affair, when I said that he should have been honest and ended the marriage if he was unhappy she said I was stupid and all men have to find someone else first “so they can make up their minds who’s best”..When her son took the children to see OW and lied to his own children I got cross with him..This upset his mummy who phoned me up said I was a jealous, controlling bitch and was not in control of “her family” any more and must not twist and turn my kids against their lovely daddy..I have never said a word against him..He’s upset them by lying to them.

She has offered no help or support, despite going on and on for years about how hard it was to be left with her one child she fails to empathise with me and see how hard it must be to try and work full time with four while her son swans in and out as and when he fancies..How can people have such double standards? I still struggle with how she has totally blamed me despite having stayed with us and seen how happy our marriage was

young
young
8 years ago

Yes, my MIL’s life revolves around my XH, and she lives with him now, cooking and cleaning for him. She and SIL never liked me, were always critical of me, said I needed to pay more attention to XH and clean up after him, that he deserved a “better” wife who could attend to his needs more. MIL tolerated an angry, abusive husband and I suppose expected to me to tolerate the same and cater to my XH. The one huge plus of this divorce is that I never have to speak to my ILs again!

XH said I “embarrassed” MIL when I told her older sister about XH’s affair and asked her to encourage him to return to the marriage. (This was part of Marriage Builder’s advice to expose the affair to help save the marriage.) Oh, well.

I think MIL raised her son to be narcissistic, as her whole life, energy, has been focused on him (the only son) and still is. XH always complained about her nagging and criticism but at the same time insisted that his parents live with us (to help take care of the kids) and then blamed me for her nagging and his parents’ stress and unhappiness. Strange that he lives with them now (again blaming me, saying he needs them to help look after the kids when they visit, which is only 4 nights per month). I think he just likes the attention he gets, even though it’s negative, because his MIL has no job, hobbies, social life–just spends the entire day taking care of him. She always said that no one could take care of him better than she could.

Though his parents and sisters were initially condemning of the affair, they later turned on me and blamed me for the affair, saying it was because I neglected him, wasn’t a good enough wife, that I was the cause of all his misery (XH repeated this as well) etc. His parents also said that the marriage should be void as I was a lesbian! Apparently, they were believing XH’s lies, and he was willing to say anything to avoid responsibility for his own actions. It’s ironic, because it is XH who may be a closeted non-heterosexual–becomes sexually aroused at the thought of being a woman and said he seriously considered a sex change before his affair with a girl 20 years younger than him (said she made him forget about his transsexual fantasies).

Now that XH and his family are free of me, they must be so happy. But then why do I still get emails from XH begging for reconciliation?

young
young
8 years ago
Reply to  young

I also think a lot of these MILs have to blame the wife for their son’s misdeeds; otherwise they would have to face the fact that they’ve raised an adulterer/cheater. Especially for someone who has centered their lives around the golden boy, that would be a hard fact to stomach.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago

My mother MIL is the most selfish woman I have ever met. In her eyes he was the special one who could do no wrong. I never knew why she hated me so much. I realized he would visit her and complain about his responsibilities and she always told him he deserved better. She allowed him to meet the OW in her home while he was still married and cheating. I went NC when she told him he could visit with the grandchildren at her house but I wasn’t welcome.

I used to think he was different from his FOO and that we had a wonderful life. He takes himself into his new life with his OW who calls him Daddy. I can see him complaining about the life he never appreciated. I lost a narc on DDay and I am grateful for the unmasking.

jajw
jajw
8 years ago

My MIL accepted her son’s deception and virtual abandonment of his children for a year with no difficulty. She lied about meeting MOW and even financed my EX’s secret love nest and trip abroad with his Ho-Worker.
When EX came to our house this summer to make a list of things he was going to take he had a whole list from his mother of pretty much everything she had given us in our 22 year marriage that she wanted back – including gifts she had given directly to me. She asked to “borrow” a bracelet she had given me at Christmas.
Her favorite line “It is what it is” just infuriates me. Once she became friends with OW (on Facebook, MIL and FIL live 2600 miles away) she dropped me 100% – blaming me, of course, because I didn’t make plans specifically with them when I went home for a visit and then she refused to accept or return my phone calls. Told EX that I hadn’t called her (which EX had to call her out on as our children told him “Mom called her, she refused to see us or call back”).
She was always a horrible, spiteful woman. She and FIL have been in a loveless marriage for decades (one of the things EX told me after I discovered his affair was that “I don’t want to be in a marriage like my parents” WTF?! Who would?).
My family has hated EX’s family for years and they are beyond thrilled that they cut me off. I’m usually the peacemaker and give in and make-nice. Not this time.

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer
8 years ago

My mother in law and I had one thing in common, we both really loved her son and I fed her delusional belief that he was just “misunderstood” and deep down was so sensitive he just couldn’t cope and needed to be protected from all the nastiness of the world.
I found out he was fucking 6 women and telling all of us we were the love of his life and caught him at a married woman’s house and then that night he moved in with some other woman and I dumped his ass and refused to keep insuring my car for him to drive. She emailed me to tell me that God says I should forgive him, that the breakdown of a relationship is never one sided and I needed to grow up and admit my faults in the relationship.
This Christian woman had known he proposed to a woman in Africa and was promising to bring her to Canada and she was emailing with the woman the whole time she was also emailing me and talking to me on the phone while I cried because I didn’t know why her son was treating me so badly. (she had encouraged me to try harder) She could barely look me in the eye when we went for a visit. No doubt as she also knew he had fathered a child while he was in Africa and stolen money from the charity he was working with. But I needed to forgive and admit how I contributed to the relationship failing. I had to stop being so vengeful and insure the car for him.
I wanted to rip into her but she is 80 something and in total denial.
I replied with one line.
“I will not be held responsible for the demise of a relationship that was based on lies.”
I never heard from her again.

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago
Reply to  Carrie Reimer

“I will not be held responsible for the demise of a relationship that was based on lies.” BINGO!

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer
8 years ago
Reply to  Einstein

thank you Einstein 🙂

redless
redless
8 years ago

My MIL is a full-fledged narcissist. The apple does not fall from the tree with regards to my exH. My MIL said that “he only cheated because I cook ‘White people’ food.” (I’m caucasian and he’s Asian). Funny, she always asked me to make her rum cake and mashed potatoes, hypocrite! Over 21 years I learned how to create amazing dishes, every Asian culture (Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai, Lao, Korean, etc.) you name it and I could make it deliciously all while working full-time, getting a Master’s, and raising 2 girls. Yes, sleep is overrated. I must have been pretty successful because every potluck I was asked to bring my famous Kalua Pork which is funny because I am vegetarian. ha ha ha.

BEHOLD. Ladies and Gentlechumps, I now know the secret to a cheat free marriage, “no white people food”. It was right there all along, if you cook then this will happen:

Meatloaf–Online dating site
Chicken fried steak–Facebook obsessive searching for ex’s
Rainbow trout with Ricearoni–Massage parlors
The “Blue Box”–You don’t want to know what happens but farmers hide your daughters and small farm animals!

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  redless

Red less, Mmmmmmm. I think I want your Kalua Pork recipe. 🙂

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago

My XMIL always pretended to genteel manners that were really a means of making sure everyone did exactly what she wanted. I managed her selfishness pretty easily while married because she always lived at a distance. She didn’t give a damn about me or the grandkids–only her wonderful son, so I didn’t have to do much but make her a nice dinner a few times a year. (She actually told me not to give her copies of the grandkids’ school picture each year because she hated people who blabbered on about their grandchildren, and she’d never allow herself to be such a bore. I was too dumbfounded to respond. The whole circle of thinking was so screwed up–because “grandchildren” weren’t part of her idea of a charming conversation, she didn’t care to own pictures of them.)

Once I left my EX, her true colors really came out. LIke Chump Tracey’s XMIL, she sent venomous emails explaining she’d always seen through me and had known I was arrogant and unworthy, etc.

But, I was lucky. Within six months she stopped all communication with me. She won’t even make eye contact with me on the few occasions I’ve done things like bring the kids to see them (at her husband’s request). She literally, sniffs, turns her head to the side, and juts her chin in the air like my very presence is a stench beyond toleration. I have a very amusing picture of this pose. Her husband asked me to take a photo of them with the grandkids on his camera when I arrived to retrieve the kids after a visit. But she behaved like a toddler, and refused to cooperate while her husband pretended all was ducky. (He sent me a copy of the photo to give to the kids.)

The episode very much captures their marriage. My XMIL pretended charm but made trouble all while my XFIL refused to acknowledge any problems. Frankly, my own marriage looked like this for a long time too. My EX made problems, and I spackled. I am relieved that, unlike my XFIL, I won’t have to suffer through decades more of it.

My one bit of sympathy for her, however, is due to the fact that I know she is furious with me in part out of fear. She is terrified that she will be widowed and have no one to live with. She always made it clear she intended to live with us when her husband passed. Without me, her son’s life is a disaster. His home could be condemned. He couldn’t take care of a house plant, let alone an elderly woman. And she knows it.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago

Since I’ve read only a few stories here about supportive FILs or MILs, I’m going to share one with you. Not my ILs, but my sister’s. During her first marriage 20+ years ago, when she was about 6 months pregnant, she realized her husband was acting odd. She talked with her FIL about it and he told her to hire a PI and send the bill to him She did, caught her then H cheating, and the FIL paid the PIs bill and told her he supported her leaving him. She kicked H out but took him back just before the baby was born. It was her decision and we all supported her choice. After about a year, she decided that she could never trust him again so she kicked him out. It turned out to be the best thing she ever did – he’s a serial cheater, masterful liar, deceiver, etc., even to this day. When he spent time with their D, he would take her to his parents house and ignore her while they cared for her. Eventually, D realized her father’s ways, stopped going with him, and has been NC with him for many years now. The ILs? We all still love them dearly – they have always been there for their GD and my sister. XMIL has passed away now but my sister’s XFIL stays in contact with my sister and even me – we exchange Christmas cards every year. They are the kindest, most caring people that ended up with a truly crappy son.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

My mother-in-law was a wonderful woman who would have supported me and the children if she had been alive today. The only good thing about waiting 8 years to find out about my STBX’s affair is that my MIL did not have to suffer the heartbreak of knowing that her son had screwed up another marriage.

JC
JC
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Good to hear that you had a good MIL, Tempest. Too many chumps I’ve met have MILs who blameshifted as best they could, or were generally the kind of people who may (or did) have affairs: egocentric, needy, excessively fun-needing, etc.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

I miss her (she passed away 2 years ago); her cheater son not so much.

Tflan386
Tflan386
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My MIL was a wonderful woman who would have also supported me and the kids. Unfortunately, she had slid into dementia at the time cheater ex had his affair. He would have never done such a thing in the years his mother was lucid – she would have been beyond heartbroken. FIL also a solid citizen, was so busy taking care of his demented wife, that son’s deception fell under his radar. They are both dead and I miss them terribly. Have no idea why ex turned out to be a crapweasal because that behaviour was not modelled by his parents.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago

Ah, in laws. My xMIL means well, but has some MAJOR issues. xILs have been very supportive of me and their grandchildren. But they also welcomed OW into their home and visited her before exH and I were legally divorced. I had to be the one to tell them that their son was a cheater.

Before we married, she told me that remember that “men have needs; I did not realize that.” This in reference to the fact that xFIL cheated on her at some point in their marriage. At another point, she took a slight disagreement, blew it out of proportion, and then called me three days later saying “Please do not keep the grandkids from me” WTF? I would never do that (and still do not, when I am the primary facilitator of contact between her and my kids). She is also very concerned about appearances, lying to family about where daughter was (xSIL) since she was living with her boyfriend out of wedlock.

So, I am torn. I do feel badly for her, as a fellow chump. But she is still angry and bitter after 30 years, and will not let xFIL out of her sight. I find that sad, and I pity exFIL, and always have. He seems truly repentant (maybe I am still a chump on this one….). They just need to divorce.

During false reconciliation, exH told me that he is closest to his mother. I found that interesting.
He is closest to her, and I guess learned his actions from watching her: appearances matter, do not speak your mind about real feelings/thoughts, be passive.
But yet, how could he do to me, what has clearly tormented his mother for almost 30 years? Defies understanding.

Carol
Carol
8 years ago

I also had the MIL from hell. She had the OW over to her house, while I was still very much married to her son and had NO IDEA that this woman existed. I believe MIL had a garden tea party for her. She, of course, insists that the OW was simply a friend to my now ex, and that I’m the bad person in this story because I’m so jealous (that’s what my ex told her) that he can’t even have a female friend. I’m not the least bit jealous, and that wasn’t a friend by any stretch of the imagination. My MIL seemed to love to do anything that undermined me, and no matter how hard I tried, she just couldn’t like me. I’ve always felt that she disliked me because I basically made a mess of everything she claimed to stand for, which was that a working woman couldn’t properly raise kids. Well, let’s get this straight. She raised two losers and she never worked a day in her adult life. I raised three decent, hard working kids, and I worked every day of my adult life, plus went back to school and even changed careers. I also kept my house as nice as hers, and she could never catch me slacking there and that bothered her. She did make a number of cracks, over the years, about the fact that her son had to help with the family meals, but OMG, what a crime. Her poor baby had to help his wife cook!!! Call the law!!!! I’m lucky to be done with that whacko family.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Carol, That is shocking, that a MAN in this day and age would have to COOK. WTF!?!? Equality is where it’s at, who nowadays wants a partner incapable of running a household ie being a grown up? My dad was a great cook when he had the time, and he certainly didn’t complain about it. We of course did the cleaning! My son is The BETTER Cook now! Lol. I have noticed that with the disordered the reasons for marital discord and the divorce are varied, many, and change with the direction of the wind. My marriage fell apart because my husband chose to fuck his racquetball partner. That is not just my truth but The Truth, Period. Oh yeah it didn’t help that he sucked.

juliet
juliet
8 years ago

When i was married my then husband was always very reluctant to visit his parents. He’d lived away from home since he left for Uni. I had to drag him there every month or so. I always wondered what the issue was.
When we were divorcing he wouldn’t tell his parents. In the end I wrote to them – it was a very calm factual letter – but I never got a reply.
Months later when the divorce was through and he was gone, I rang them and asked why they hadn’t contacted me to see how I was. My MIL said “Why should we bother, you never wanted to come and see us when you were married” ( !! ). I said that it was none of my doing and it was her darling son who didn’t want to visit. I pointed out that it was also her darling son who had been sc***ing his floosie in our bed. All she said was “Well, he won’t be the first and he won’t be the last” ( WTF !!)
Now I know where exH got his insensitivity and lack of empathy from.
‘The fruit doesn’t fall very far from the tree’ – as they say …

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  juliet

During false MC my ex told me the same thing– you hate my family and that is why we saw them less over the years. Um, no. He is the one who would see that his mother was calling and not pick up the phone.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

ZYX321, my stbx did the same thing. His family lives about 12 hours from us and we always made at least one trip there a year, sometimes more. They RARELY came to visit us in our 24 years of marriage. They only came if we paid for their plane tickets and provided a place for them to stay (we paid for a beach rental one year and they ALL came, of course). Before we married, I asked him to decide where HE wanted to live – in his home state with them or in my home state. I made it totally his decision because I did not ever want to hear that he he left his family for me, etc. He chose my state. But I was always told by him that I hated his family and never wanted to visit them which wasn’t true at all. We always went for a week so it was our ‘vacation’ but certainly not a ‘fun’ trip. We stayed at his sister’s house which was fine but 3 of us in a tiny room with 1 double bed wasn’t easy. And cheater would plop on the couch and watch sports the majority of the time and brag about how important he was. BIL would roll his eyes at stbx. He knew he was full of sh!t but like me, was an IL, so he couldn’t say much.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

BBC- more from me: we lived in current location because it was close to exH’s family, he wanted to return home post college. His entire family lives within 3 hours of my house. And now, he moved overseas and wants the kids all vacations! I have a list of over 15 yrs of visits and vacations spent with my family (tough to do when we all over the place) to demonstrate to the judge how important it is that the kids have some vacation time with me to continue a lomg established relationship with my side of the family!

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

no way he should get all the vacations – you get the school work, he gets the fun? That’s how they always want it. Stand strong!!!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

zyx321–your X is a piece of work. If he tells you he is wearing black socks, you should doubt him.

Monika
Monika
8 years ago

What’s UBT?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Wherein Chump Lady takes some letter or article or email and unpacks the mindfuckery and bullshit it contains.

stuntchump
stuntchump
8 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Universal Bullshit Translator. Powered by Chumplady.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  Monika

universal bullshit translator

BestPathForward
BestPathForward
8 years ago

So sorry, Tracey. Your letter is timely since I am really struggling with the rejection of in-laws and friends.

STBX became fairly estranged from his whole family in recent years during his affairs and I was the primary reason his family saw him or their grand-kids. MIL and I had issues from time to time, but we were friends and really liked each other. At my insistence, we took STBX’s sister in when she had been cheated on by a fiance. She lived with us for many months and I helped her get her stuff back when she was paralyzed. Now that she’s married, I’m the Godmother to her daughter. I also helped plan a celebratory warm-weather vacation with MIL for my FIL because he just survived cancer. STBX didn’t even want to go.

Fast forward to today: they are all on the vacation without me this week, posting pictures on FB of my kids. After the separation, SIL (one who I helped when she was cheated on) initially sent me a terse 2 paragraph email, then cut me off. She didn’t invite me to my niece’s birthday party. The whole family knows that he cheated on me and left, and they have tenderly tucked him back under their wing and cut me off. No one checks in on me or wants to stay in contact. His cousins and friends are de-friending me on Facebook. His high school posse has swooped in after years of absence and reconnected with him.

OK, so they’re all assholes. They’ve shown their true colors. They shouldn’t be in my life. But it still hurts.

It would be great to just turn to my circle of friends and depend on them, but that circle is shrinking, too. Of the people in our acquaintance world who know only we’re getting divorced, I seem to have gotten “divorce cooties.” The men and women avoid me, but many of the men still chat up STBX and stay in contact with him. Of the small circle of couple friends who know he cheated, the men have sided with him and avoid me. The women are Switzerland; they support me and take me out for lunch, but they bake cookies for him and send him long “how are you?” emails, so they’re really not my friends. A couple of their husbands are still good friends with STBX, so confiding anything in the midst of our divorce is dangerous. I have 2 divorced friends I trust and a therapist and that’s it.

So after what he did, I have suffered a huge social blow and he’s enjoyed a resurgence of friendship and support, even among the people who know he cheated. You need a network of friends and support to get through this, so “screw ’em all” isn’t working for me anymore. Guess that’s why I’m spending more time on this forum…

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago

BestPath, You’ve got the kind of cheater situation that blows up a lot of your life. You are going through something very painful, in the loss of you in-law family and the “acquaintances” that made up a big part of your social circle. So your rebuilding–in terms of gaining a life–is not just getting past the loss of your primary relationship.

I don’t have much to say about the in-laws, other than to note that you were used by them, perhaps unwittingly on their part, to stay in some contact with your STBX. If your STBX is a narcissist or on that end of the empathy spectrum, he may “love” his family but he certainly isn’t going to engage emotionally with them or provide support or spend time doing kind things. They know who he is. He outsourced that compassion to you. You’re being defended and discarded by the lot of them because that’s the price of having him in their lives. Soon enough, there will be a new GF/mistress/wife who will have the job about caring for his family. It’s hard, but I hope soon you won’t take it personally. It’s like being discarded by a narcissist–it’s inevitable once you are involved that the discard is coming. Just my take on this but I’ve seen it happen to many people.

As for the acquaintances and “couple friends”: While I understand people in some social environments having “couple friends,” like neighbors, coworkers, etc., there is always one bond in the couples that is stronger, and that is often the male-male bond. The men do things together–play golf, hunt, drink beer, have poker night–and that stuff maps onto the essence of male friend dynamic, guys doing things together. Unless the women are true intimate BFF types, you end up with the “having lunch” type of friendship where you know the woman you are lunching with will share what you say with your spouse, who will play golf with the STBX that weekend…So women are wise to nurture their friendships that are outside the couple orbit. While you might be accustomed to a bunch of acquaintances and couples, and while it surely feels like a rejection when they “take the cheater’s side,” you are on a path to being rid of anything and anyone in your life that is not true and authentically in your corner. I have probably even lost a “separate” friend because I just won’t bullied by anyone anymore, and that offends her. PFFFT. Let her go. I’d rather sit in the house with my cats than spend another minute in the presence of someone who is trying to manipulate me. Hang in there. If you have 2 or 3 good friends, you are rich indeed. And as you embrace loyalty as a key standard in your life, you will attract like-minded people.

Drew
Drew
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ, I love what you write and look forward to reading your responses. Straight up!

BestPathForward
BestPathForward
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Thanks, LovedaJackass. Lots of good advice there.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

***not “defended and discarded, “DEFRIENDED and discarded.” $%^&@ autocorrect.

Lizzy
Lizzy
8 years ago

BestPath – it sounds like your stbx might be spinning the events to make him look like the good guy or, at least, the not-so-bad guy. My stbxh also did this – he went to his whole family and some of mine and told his story while I was still paralyzed by the shock and pain. He wanted to get control of the narrative. He would start the conversation by “taking responsbility” and admitting some guilt but then move on to the blame game where he mentioned all of the usual cheater excuses – his wife paid too much attention to the kids, was “cold,” etc. His aunt told me I should take him back because he was “taking responsbility” for his actions!

BestPathForward
BestPathForward
8 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

Lizzy, I am worried about this, too. I think not-so-bad-guy-routine is exactly what he’s doing. He and they say he “admitted” it, but I’m also hearing through back channels about how I wanted out for years, was unhappy, my moods were too much for him, etc. Lyn, he also talks about how I’m a great mom but “things have been over for years.” For him, I guess. And in keeping with his proclivity for trickle truth, they only know a fraction of what he’s done. My attorney does not want me telling anyone more about the cheating until after the divorce, so I’m stuck. By the time it’s all final, the truth won’t matter much and they have all already made up their minds. Not sure what to do.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Lizzy

My ex told his family that I was a good mother but I wouldn’t let him be who he was. That’s right, I had a real problem with him being a cheater.

JC
JC
8 years ago

Tracey and Tracy,

Nail on the head. You hit it. Squarely. MILs spackle, heavily:

(1) When I first expose the affair to my in-laws, I heard nothing from my in-laws. Not a peep.

(2) One month later, I chumpily reached out to ask them to help my wife, who didn’t seem to realize what damage she was doing. (I know better now.)

(3) My MIL thanked me for writing and said she’d get back to me “tomorrow.” I’m still waiting on that promised communication.

(4) After D-Day Number…5, 6 (I can’t keep track, given for 6 months they didn’t really stop), I told my wife that it was time for divorce. My wife left our apartment crying about my impossibly high standards of a faithful spouse…and lo and behold my cellphone rings. Guess who’s calling? You got it: my MIL! I let that sh** go to voicemail, where she pleaded to talk to me. I never called her back. Given she previously saw no need to respond to my concerns, why should I respond to her concerns?

(5) That night, while my wife stayed at a friend’s, I moved out for the second and last time. My MIL e-mailed my wife the next day, with something to the effect of: “I’m concerned about JC’s ability as a husband given this is how he handles problems.”

Recently, I met my former cousin-in-law for lunch. She told me that my MIL misses me, “as I’m sure you miss her.” I corrected my former cousin-in-law right quick. I told her that I lost respect for a lot of people during my wife’s affair, including my blame-shifting MIL. I said that I didn’t miss her, and I thought less of her as a person given her affair-supporting behavior.

Look, I get it. No parent wants to accept that her daughter is a slut. But, after the initial spackling, even mothers have to accept reality. I loved my in-laws. They were welcoming and warm people — a good family and a lot of fun when things were going well.

But when the rubber hit the road; when there was an actual crisis, my MIL failed, miserably.

Not to be sexist, but my FIL never contacted me, once, during the entire ordeal. He was a good man who I believe put up with a lot from my MIL. I firmly believe he is truly embarrassed about his daughter’s behavior, and his silence speaks to his understanding that life has consequences, decisions have repercussions, and my leaving my ex-wife was entirely rational and wise.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

Wow, JC, that was a lot for you to handle, but kudos to you on exactly the right response to MiL.

JC
JC
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks, Tempest.

What amazes me is that we (or at least I) could always see through my MIL’s BS response, right away. No problem.

But because I was “in love” with my cheating wife, I couldn’t see through her BS response. Instead, I fell for the blameshifting.

I guess that’s the point, though. My wife gave sparkles. My MIL didn’t.

I’ve learned a lot about sparkles, their minimal and superficial value, and the danger they can unleash. Not worth it. Ever again.

stuntchump
stuntchump
8 years ago

Tracey — I’m sorry. I’m sure it doesn’t help much to see where he gets his winning ways, but there you go.

I have the support of my ILs who live on the other coast and are yet to meet the OW stbx left for. I do have the kids call them, and write to them, and send them pictures, fairly regularly, because I know their son won’t, and they are lovely people.

This is the end of the last card they sent me when buying some girl scout cookies from my daughter (for the kids and to contribute to the troops). “Thank the children for their communication. They are very imaginative, creative and thoughtful. We hope all is going well for you. Always know that you are all loved dearly. Love to all Grandma and Grandpa”

No UBT needed for them…but they raised a total crap son, who just yesterday, after he said he could see them later than usual on Sunday because he was hours late getting them on Friday I generously offered that he could stay for their first piano lessons that were scheduled then…and he took it as an opportunity to leave early, instead. Had some Oscar party to attend with schmoopie, not doubt. The lesson was great. The teacher loved the kids and the kids loved the lesson. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world 🙂

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago

My MIL who is at the end of her 5th marriage, has been the number one cheerleader for my wife to screw around….. Would invite ex boyfriends over for dinner while daughter was visiting….. But I guess they were to old she found her own 26 year old. Misery loves company!

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

Wow, sounds like the basis for a Lifetime movie. Gives new significance to “cougar.”

DavidB
DavidB
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Lifetime Movie! Nice! Without a doubt mine is above and beyond the normal bad….. Problem is, the apple seems to NOT have fallen too far from the tree…. One ex BF…. Her first love was readily accepted as a guess it turns out! Though not young, he has more tats than most…. A love for drugs and alcohol…. A real catch I might add…. A cesspool of stds…. She chased him for years it turns out…. She being to old for his taste, was dumped…. Hence the 26 year old ego boost!!! Had to find value in herself I guess by laying down for attention!!! In need of mental health check? Umm yes!

Cindy
Cindy
8 years ago

My XMIL is a piece of trash. Always had her nose in our marriage, especially financials, but it would never stop there (regarding financials, I out earned her Golden Child, and aside from mortgage, we had no debt). She’d take things to the extreme, like if we traveled with them, she’d count the number of suitcases her son would carry vs. me. Oh, Cindy, he has to carry 3, but you only have 1! Her son also ran marathons, I’m sure he was more than capable! Or if I bought something for myself, her son was also entitled to a gift! Or when we traveled the world, her darling son had to be able to run a marathon in a foreign country so that it would be “a win-win. You know Cindy, you get to go on vacation, and he get’s to run a marathon…win-win!” Was he not going on vacation too?!

She told me to “Fuck off” twice – once on Christmas, once on a vacation in Costa Rica while we were playing board games. XH said nothing to her until the second time it happened and I demanded that he set her straight.

About 9 months before BD, I had had enough of MIL in our business. My mom had unexpectedly died the month before and XMIL said, “Now that your mother died, maybe you and I can become closer.” WTF?!!!! I told XH that since he couldn’t control her and her sticking her nose into our finances and life and that of XBIL/SIL, that I am opting out of a relationship with her. I encouraged him to maintain a relationship with the bitch, but I was DONE. When the divorce came about, XH told XMIL that I hated her. Said that she had been an impediment to our marriage. Never did he tell her that he was banging his 9 year younger co-worker. Let his Mom take the blame for the failure of our marriage – which is partly true. He brought Schmoopie home to meet the parents 3 weeks after our 70 day divorce (we were married 16.5 years). Told mommy that Schmoopie was a friend, yet mommy told them that they could share a bed – because as she told xSIL – friends CAN do that! Also, she told XH that she called our home after I kicked him out to talk to me and that a man answered the phone, so she hung up! Really???!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Divorce was a painful process. I do not miss any of these sickos – you see the mold, you understand the Jello!!!!

Karma Express
Karma Express
8 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

Cindy, to say that your ex-MIL is a piece of trash is an understatement. I would say that she’s a piece of trash that’s been left out in the July heat and humidity to fester with maggots and mould. Looks like the rotten, wormy apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You have my sympathy… and relief that you’re free of the lot of them.

Cindy
Cindy
8 years ago
Reply to  Karma Express

Thank you both! Life is better without her intruding into my life. I constantly felt like I had to justify every time I spent MY money! My mom would also get upset with me when I did this and ask why I bend over backwards to please his mother?! I think it’s codependency – I was going to win her over! Not bloody likely! My IC finally set me straight on this one: “Why did you care what Hitler thought?”

As for XH, he never protected me or our marriage. My mom could never understand that one either. No need, I just whipped out the spackle: “Mom, he doesn’t need to protect me, he KNOWS I’m strong enough to handle myself!” It’s true, I am, but I shouldn’t have had to “curb his dog”. My XH had a damn good life with me. Although I worked a demanding salaried job to his less demanding hourly job from my home, he had a hot meal on the table waiting for him every night. I was loyal, caring, and honest. He’s engaged to schmoopie now, I’m sure his whack job mom and him have spun the affair into the romance of the century – kind of like Prince Charles and Camilla’s spin doctors did for their affair.

One Step at a Time
One Step at a Time
8 years ago
Reply to  Cindy

“you see the mold, you understand the jello”…hilarously true!!

Braveheart
Braveheart
8 years ago

I was very fortuneate, I had a great relationship with my Inlaws for 24 years prior to the split which I’ve maintained till this day. My Mother inlaw, a strong woman, broke down and cried for only the second time I’d seen her do it, the first time being at our wedding…. I told them both I realized “Blood was thicker than water”, but I had always valued their support and friendship. I also informed them as the grandparents of both my kids I would do everything in my power to maintain that relationship if that’s what they wanted. Their acceptance of this spread to the whole extended family. What my X feels about this I have no idea, but it makes the OM very uncomfortable.