UBT This Word Salad Apology
Her cheater sent her a word salad apology, complete with misspellings. He didn’t intend to hurt her! Can the UBT please decode?
***
Dear Chump Lady
I received this email after 6 months of no contact. My gut response was annoyance then anger. I’m not responding.
I knew it wasn’t a real apology thanks to reading many of your clear eyed bullshit translations.
The vague unspecific nature. Stating there was no intention to hurt. Please use this. I left in the typo.
Dear (Chump)
I’m sending this because I deeply and sincerely want to apologize for the pain and hurt I have caused you. It was the last thing I ever wanted to do!
I apologize for not being able and ready to receive your love the way you deserved it, I’m so sorry!
I send this from an open hart and mind. There are no expectations attached to this.
Thanks,
CantFoolMe
***
Dear CantFoolMe,
Thanks for the bullshit submission. It’s Lebkuchen season and our favorite machine needed a snack, word salad apologies being its favorite.
I’m beginning to wonder if AI doesn’t generate this nonsense.
You’re not going to replace me with AI, are you?
I would never! My lovable, old school, mechanical beast! You are made of rust and steel from a stamping plant in Detroit. Nothing could ever replace sweet analog you.
(Although think of the savings in Lebkuchen…)
I saw you type that!
Don’t you have some bullshit to translate?
grumble….
Such sincerity…
I’m sending this because I deeply and sincerely want to apologize for the pain and hurt I have caused you.
I deeply and sincerely do not respect your no contact.
Had I wished to actually deeply and sincerely apologize, I would’ve included specifics about my actions, enclosed with a check.
It was the last thing I ever wanted to do!
And you can judge my sincerity by this exclamation mark! Hurting you was the LAST thing on my mind. Getting my dick wet was the first. Everything else is meaningless.
I apologize for not being able and ready to receive your love the way you deserved it
I have no apologies for how I delivered my “love” to you. But I do fault myself for not being able to sufficiently appreciate how you worshipped me. Let’s try again. And again! You DESERVE to give me love. And I’d be happy to receive it!
So I can shit on it, like before.
Let’s continue our one-way transaction love affair. #winning
I’m so sorry!
I wasn’t ready to receive love. Love is very difficult for me. I’m love dyslexic. I don’t receive voles. This is very hard on me. Harder really.
I’m not able to receive love. But you can fix me! By continuing to love unloveable me! And I will reward you with insincere apologies and exclamation points.
I send this from an open hart and mind.
Please accept this splayed open deer. I tied it to the front rack of my car. My mind is venison.
There are no expectations attached to this.
PAY ATTENTION TO ME!
***
CantFoolMe, keep rocking the no contact. And if he persists, please send all future missives to the Universal Bullshit Translator.


Sounds like a request for absolution. I wonder if Catholic priests feel like UBTs.
Stepbystep. It does sound like a request for an absolution. Interestingly he is a Catholic.
I suspect that the last thing that Can’tFoolMe’s Cheater really wanted was to get found out and to face consequences, hence the rather pathetic non-apology framed as an apology attempting to hoover her back in.
All the more reason to maintain “No Contact.”
LFTT
You realize you could make a goldmine on a UBT app, right? I’d pay $5 for one. Heck, I would probably need an annual subscription for 10 years or so. UBT needs to get to work!
Talk is cheap. And you can’t trust FWs.
I received similar messages filled with “I regret” and “I didn’t mean to hurt you.” At first, my chumpy heart was soothed. “Oh, he really, really didn’t mean to hurt me.”
But then he tried to screw me in the divorce. And spewed things like, “You gave as good as you got” (which to this day baffles me. Was it my inability to buy the proper ratio of caf to decaf coffee? #unforgivable In his mind, I guess we’re even.)
These FWs are manipulators. They say what they think will work in the moment to lessen consequences, gain absolution, and (a favorite pastime–second to their other favorite pastime) to mess with their chumps’ emotions.
Most FWs won’t and can’t sustain the regret or back it up with actions. Their default is to play the victim and malign the chump.
So I don’t buy these apologies.
Mine was never ever sorry. I deserved it. Both cheaters
I’m afraid you’ve beaten me on two cheaters in your life, 2xchump. And I’m very sorry for that.☹️ One FW XW was enough for me.
But we do share the never apologizing part! Nope, in all her wrongfully self-entitled requests by her (ok, mainly one) to be cordial to her AND to now discuss what was done wrong in our marriage (pretty sure it’s all on me in her mind, so no, thank you), she’s never, EVER expressed that she’s sorry for her cheating. Not even a non-apology apology.
So if that’s what you have as well w/your fuckwits, and it sounds like you do…
Let’s give them more of what they actually deserve and ARE entitled to from us: CRICKETS
Wishing you your best possible day, 2xchump, and the brightest future possible.😁
Hi Long run!! How I look at zero apology and zero remorse x2 married cheaters and one boyfriend is this good news. There is NO GOING BACK!! No begging, pleading and they get more cake, no second third or 4th chances. No back into bed with them( after D day that is) for more babies or STI STDs. No pulling back on the divorce. No lying apologizes for me. I am so grateful because I DID NOT HAVE TRACY until after D day with #2 cheater and not 35 years ago with #1 ..now I know!!! But sorry means nothing without reform. My #2 cheater said sorry to the pastors and the church but never to me. So I am grateful I did not have to believe that lie. I am so thankful to be free after years as a husband pleaser and human sacrifice. I am at peace. Thank yoi for writing back!! Loved your take on this subject!
“They say what they think will work in the moment to lessen consequences, gain absolution, and (a favorite pastime–second to their other favorite pastime) to mess with their chumps’ emotions.”
Great observation, Spinach. The baffling statements (one that still makes me 🤷 was “I bent over backwards to make you happy!”) are so much easier to let go of (and not respond) once you realize this.
It’s not that he didn’t do anything for me or spend quality time with the family when he was around, but it was honestly nothing extraordinary considering he did whatever he wanted on his own schedule 6/7 days. He was just saying whatever to fit his narrative where he was the victim.
“… wasn’t ready to receive your love…” Sounds like he’s been reading online self help stuff and had a major revelation that– zounds!– he has an attachment disorder.
I get the feeling that, when FWs start untangling their own skeins, they’re really doing it as a kind of strip tease hoping chumps will leap in to do the rest of the emotional labor of untangling in an effort to “fix” the poor broken sad sausages. But what if chumps– oops– wander off the approved path of cheater-coddling RIC psychobabble sources and start untangling in another direction after, say, straying into the annals of forensic psych?
Like guess who else has clinical attachment disorders? Serial killers. How’s that for a recommendation? What’s even more fun is that specific type of attachment disorder can predict whether they leave your mangled body wherever it landed or cart it off to dump it in a ditch! Choices!
From An Analysis of the Connection Between Insecure Attachment Style and Bodily Disposal Methods in Serial Homicide Offenders Style and Bodily Disposal Methods in Serial Homicide Offenders:
Results indicate that serial homicide offenders with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style are likely to utilize transport/concealment and no-transport/concealment bodily disposal methods, individuals with dismissive-avoidant attachment styles will utilize transport/dumping bodily disposal methods, and individuals with fearful-avoidant attachment styles will utilize no-transport/as is. Three offenders were utilized to
exemplify the findings of this study, Jeffrey Dahmer represented the anxious-preoccupied
attachment style, Donald Henry Gaskins represented the dismissive-avoidant attachment style, and Dennis Rader exemplified the fearful-avoidant attachment style.
Hahaha you haven’t let me down HOAC. 50 Shades of Decay. Better bookmark this one.
OMG!
In general, I find this attachment style nonsense deeply unsettling as I have seen it used so often by women who just don’t want to understand that their partner has narcissistic personality disorder and is a FW. Some of them genuinely have never heard of or never fully grasped the concept of NPD. That is sadly common – so many times a woman has described what is clearly simply lovebombing as if it were an indication of real love. Mindboggling! The most recent time I read that was on reddit today (not in the Chump space) and then I read Lane Moore’s “How to be Alone”. She sadly seems to have no idea that the two abusive relationships she describes indepth were both NPD. She writes extensively about the lovebombing, but fails to recognize it as such. She then labels both incorrectly as “avoidant”.
The point I was trying to make is that using any kind of psychiatric labels for what is ostensibly “abuse” (or what should often be regarded as criminal abuse if, one day, coercive control is ever universally criminalized)– though it’s often used by abuse apologists (RIC, CSAT) and abusers themselves to sad-sausage-ize, spackle and pathologize these things as if these individuals were helplessly mentally ill– can also backfire on that whitewashing/spackling agenda if people simply shift their searches to forensic psychology rather than online armchair psychobabble.
Since narcissism isn’t an official dx in the DSM5 and attachment disorders are (specifically Reactive Attachment Disorder or “RAD” and Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder– or “DSED”) I’m not sure I agree that it’s less legit to call an abusive partner “attachment disordered” than it is to label them narcissistic. RAD is bloody terrifying since it’s associated with domestic batterers. But, again, whether these categories are actually helpful or not to survivors depends on whether people limit themselves to squashy, fuzzy, whitewashed, commercialized, pop psych psychobabble self help resources or pursue more criminological interpretations of these behaviors. Because, if anyone follows the forensic thread, the message is generally that these kinds of abusers are intractable and survivors should run screaming.
I seriously don’t care if anyone categorizes abusive behaviors under the heading of “banana” as long as that label comes with the urgent warning those individuals are unfixable. As far as victims getting mired in squashy, whitewashed, hopium-laden interpretations of abuse, I hardly blame victims for it. I chalk it up to the fact that this stuff is the most prevalent and most often shoved down survivors’ throats, a message from the culture at large that we’re not allowed to call abusers “abusers” which I think can contribute to Stockholm syndrome. It sends a message to victims that they’re supposed to whitewash and spackle and “see things from their partner’s perspective” lest they get no social support or even condemnation.
I’m not sure what you’re referring to as I know several criminologists who do use NPD in their reports and assessments. However, why would the DSM5 be relevant for the world? It’s an American guideline for American psychiatrists. I’m not American and neither were my abusers. Apart from not relevant to me, the DSM5 will be a bit of a joke to me until they strike off “oppositional defiant disorder.” And as an autistic woman, I have only ever found psychiatrists useful for very minor issues – like phobias. There is a good book on that “The Autism Therapy Survival Book”. The psychiatrist at a domestic violence shelter told me that she doesn’t want to deal with me, as she finds autistic people “odd”. So I didn’t get help. I know some use only “Dark Triad” or just “personality disorder”, arguing that all abusers have narcissism, sociopathy, psychopathy – the percentage of which is which (the triangle) just differs. Whether the abuser is more a narc (while also being a psychopath) or more a psychopath (while also being a narc).
I’m not currently in the US either, not most of the year anyway, but there’s no denying that the US psychiatric establishment has too much power to influence and dominate policies around the world, particularly related to psychopharm. Journalist Robert Whitaker and his advocacy organization Mad in America publish a lot on this subject. So does David Healy (UK) and Peter Breggin.
Personally I can’t stand the whole corrupt, politicized racket and have worked with psychiatric reform activists and organizations (none with connections to Scientology) for more than two decades. I first got involved when I discovered how battered women were being clinically re-abused and then started doing research and editing for disability rights lawyers and eco health organizations when I learned about rates of death and injuries, especially among the disabled, due to psychiatric practices like restraint and seclusion, aversive shock, medication mandates, psychosurgery, unethical human research, etc.
But as much as I question the legitimacy of psychiatry, there’s also no denying that laws and policies are often based on science for better or worse. I see forensic research as potentially powerful in that sense, especially after seeing how research and statistics influenced the criminalization of coercive control in the UK.
But there’s also obviously a “for better or worse” element with criminology. On the one hand I sort of prefer it in a political sense since it’s working backwards from concrete actions and behaviors which are defined by laws, courts and juries, not merely ephemeral psychobabble concepts drummed up by the industry-fattened shills on the DSM panel or holding posts in psychiatric institutions. But even if forensic psychology– via the justice system– theoretically has more checks and balances than the whimsical biases of typical shrinks, forensic science– like criminal justice– can be especially terrifying when corrupted. On the dark end of this are things like the endless hunt for so-called “crime genes” which I think is basically dystopian eugenic junk science with the potential to be weaponized against the usual targets– minorities, the disabled and ethnic groups in resource rich third world countries which are the targets of hegemonic schemes.
Anyway, it’s all the more reason for average people to gain a degree of literacy in science and view this as a political duty in any democracy since otherwise they won’t understand a lot of what they’re voting on.
Speaking of which, things are getting super trippy in the US in this regard due to Trump’s election. Kind of like a stopped clock is right twice a day, Trump’s general jaundice towards the psychopharmaceutical industry and psychiatric establishment could have some interesting effects on US and, by extension, global policy. I would definitely welcome certain reforms but it feels really uncomfortable and grotesque that this may be happening under such a dangerous administration. Frankly I feel a bit like a vegan or animal rights activist under Hitler and I’m sure a lot of the aforementioned psychiatric reformists feel the same, kind of like “Great, Adolf loves puppies and doesn’t eat meat… while murdering millions of humans, retch.”
Oh, NO! Trump??? RFK Jr., Dr Oz??? Eliminating CDC / NIH / global health funding? Health insurance? I am absolutely filled with dismay.
Public health agencies, like many regulatory bodies, have been industrially captured, conflict-ridden cesspools for a long time but there were some very important babies in that bath water and I think those are getting killed off first.
“I never meant to/wanted to hurt you” is probably my favorite cheater platitude.
Like you never meant to hurt me, or wanted to hurt me, but you still did. You actively chose to do things you knew would hurt me. And you continued to choose those things over and over. Every single time you were presented with the option to do something that would hurt me, or walk away, you went with the hurtful thing. Consciously, repeatedly.
So I don’t give a fuck what you never wanted to do. I give a fuck what you DID do. And that was decide what you wanted and your ego and entitlement were more important than my feelings every single time.
“i never meant to hurt you” translates to “i planned to hurt you, and actively enjoyed it. in fact, i get off on it.”
it’s a real mind fuck.
“I’m not trying to/didn’t intend to/never meant/wanted to hurt you” always reminds me of Curt Cobain singing,
Well, I swear that I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
Obviously he did have a gun since he shot himself with one, oops.
Frankly, I think Cobain was blatantly playing on the fact that protesting too much generally conveys the opposite and meant the lyrics to be chilling though most people aren’t that self aware. But not being aware of intent doesn’t mean there’s no intent. Occam’s razor would have it that the reason people do all sorts of hurtful things they know are hurtful is because they intend the harm they do on whatever level.
That might be different if the person had some serious neurological condition that prevents them from understanding basic cause and effect or understanding other people’s perspectives but that’s not the case with most abusers. In fact, there’s considerable evidence that abusers typically subject others to the very things these abusers fear most.
There are different theories that attempt to address it like the masked dependency concept– the idea that, because abusive personalities typically have pathological, infantile fears of abandonment yet simultaneously feel so much shame over their own vulnerability, they seek to mask it by displacing those fears on others (by threatening abandonment). Plus it’s very reassuring when the person you fear will abandon you is clinging to your legs and begging you not to leave them– which is how many freshly traumatized partners respond. That in turn is said to have something to do with reenactment compulsion. I imagine that kind of superstitious compulsion relates to dynamics within abusive families. Because somebody always had to be the scapegoat, they settle into a “better you than me” mentality. Causing distress and pain in others may even relieve chronic anxiety, like “the gods of calamity have been fed and I can relax for now.”
The why of it is another question but, in any case, there are a lot of things that garden variety FWs do that seem unnecessarily and gratuitously cruel and seem to take a lot of energy to carry out– more than one would expect if the individual “simply doesn’t care” or is fundamentally devoid of empathy. Like being an effective torturer, in a strange way this kind of abuse seems to require a type of empathy to max out the harm it causes. And what says someone’s taking their last shot to get their digs in more than post-separation abuse? So it didn’t surprise me when a recent study of narcissism discovered that sadism is a formerly unrecognized but predictable component of the personality disorder.
In general I’m curious about sub- or un- or quasi-conscious intent because I’m fascinated by hypocrisy and the mental gymnastics that crappy people will engage in to deny their own darkness. Also it’s just practical since unmasking intent can be a risk assessment tool– figuring how much further some scary individual or other might take their destructive campaigns so the targets can protect themselves.
Anyway, take it from Cobain. Anyone who keeps repeating lack of intent probably intends that very thing.
This helps me so much. I had left in the typo “I send this with an open hart” The UBT take on this had me laugh so loud.
“Please accept this splayed open deer. I tied it to the front rack of my car. My mind is venison.”
So intelligently funny. (hart being a deer).
Which is why the UBT will never be replaced by AI. Bots aren’t wryly insightful, don’t do gallows humor, don’t condense thousands of years of patriarchal hypocrisy to generate piercing irony– and forget about weaving in Old High German and taxidermy themes. 😉
I actually collect oddities and skulls and taxidermy. If one of my exes presented me with a splayed hart I would laugh and say “good luck with your new taxidermy hobby. You’re gonna need it🤣”
I never really got an apology, I think because he thought he really hadn’t done anything wrong. My therapist said that was a sign of a really screwed up conscience and more. He promised me an easy divorce, and then gave me a mess even into closeout. Yes, I just had to trust that he sucked and still does.
Elsie,
I never got an apology either, but in my case I am certain that part of Ex-Mrs LFTT’s logic is that she’s not going to apologise for something that she doesn’t want to admit to doing, even if she knows that she did it, you know she did it and she knows that you know that she did it.
LFTT
Yes, if they don’t apologize, they don’t have to lower themselves to something less than they think they are.
Both my attorney and my therapist recommended not initiating contact with my ex unless it was legally necessary since I am indeed the one who effectively brought him down and know what a wreck he is. At one point, he was reportedly planning my demise and told his attorney, so just no.
HAHA! I laughed so hard at this my napping dog raised her head to see what was up! Love the UBT!
All laughs aside though, this is SO like something a cheater would say. Know what mine said when I caught him cheating on his phone? I had him pinned to the wall with one arm and the other stretched out for him to give it to me (this after he had already attacked and arm bared/choke holded me over the damn thing). I had already seen enough, but wanted to see all of “it”, as in the cheating texts, on the phone and I told him, “I’ve already seen it” over and over. He just stood there like a deer in headlights, wide eyed and looking terrified. And he repeated multiple times, “It will hurt you, It will hurt you.” But then weirdly, after all that, handed it over silently. I sat down and the first thing I said as I was scrolly through it, shaking my head, was, “I knew it.” He had been acting weird and treating me like shit for months and I had suspected he was cheating, but he always denied it saying, “I would never do that, I LOVE you!”
But back to the moment I had him pinned to the wall. How did he know it would hurt me? Because he knew what he was doing was wrong, he wasn’t supposed to cheat on me and it was a mean/ugly thing to do!
They all like to play the victim, sad sausages like Tracy says, but this – what my husband said in the moment – proves they know what they are doing is wrong, but they do it any way because #entitlement#IwantToCheat#Kibbles…the list can go on and on.
This “apology” this woman got is a prime example of the entitlement they feel. And also a prime example that they SUCK!
Yes yes! So same it’s creepy. I found his burner phone, managed to hack into it in front of him and got the same DEER in the headlights look and then I printed out 20 pages of calls/texts. That was the day before I made him leave forever. He strung out the divorce for 3.5 years as the narcissist he is (with a big sprinkle of psychopathy as per my therapist.) He said he knew what he did was wrong, and he did it anyway. At the end, he asked if we could have a “relationship without responsibilities” THIS after 30 years of actual marriage. He had no effing clue. No contact is the only way. Still, this is a sad time of year.
Like Someone who farts LOUD in a crowded elevator 🛗 and then asks, who farted???? These cheaters know they are wrong but start lying to themselves and then to you and then to the world. Thank you Tracy for being the lighthouse and pointing us around the rocks and sandbars. I am indebted to you for helping me see the lies and getting out. I know who farted!
The “receive love” part is mindblowingly revealing! Positively insane!
I am relatively certain that my ex FW (for no reason other than being abusive) is tracking my cell phone (we used to have each other’s passwords – I never touched his). Any other advice from Chump Nation apart from resetting to factory settings, please?
https://www.avg.com/en/signal/prevent-your-phone-being-tracked
Hope this helps.
Thank you!
You mean he put spyware on your phone?
https://www.zdnet.com/article/how-to-find-and-remove-spyware-from-your-phone/
Yes, thanks! Either spyware or some kind of sharing my location all the time. Probably both. He is really strong on the psychopathic arc of Dark Triad.
Bring it in if possible. They can check it for you. Verizon, T Mobile, Best Buy, etc. Otherwise I would buy a new one.
I’m not in the US and bought it second hand. I can’t afford buying a new one. I am barely staving off homelessness (and won’t be able to do that very long).
I had to get a new phone. That solved that issue for me.
I got many of these and responded to none of them. Finally he stopped as there was no kibble to be had. Once in a while he contacts my son, also no response. No contact is the only answer. By the way, “Last thing on the list” means it’s still on the list.
Some might argue that we are bitter bunnies for not being able to accept an apology. IMO, these are people who have never experienced the pain that comes from being abused and betrayed. As chumps, we are wise to keep our shields up (to borrow CL’s language) and be wary of slick talkers and con artists who say whatever will further their own agendas.
We won’t be fooled again.
As I write this, I realize that this is my MO now. My ex completely blindsided me when he fessed up to a nearly 3-year affair after 35 years of a mirage (thanks, VH). I can’t believe I never saw a sign. I will be damned if someone fools me again. It’s not that I don’t trust people. I do. But my antennae are tuned to BS in all its forms.
What’s so bad about being a bitter bunny? Justified in some situations.
It’s not that we don’t accept apologies. It’s just that we know they are not sincere and we don’t care about the FW’s feelings anymore, so why bother to even listen. I think we can probably all accept sincere apologies. FW apologies are always about self pity, never empathy for the chump, and today’s example is no exception.
I consider my BS-meter a superpower gained from my mess. I have so many post- divorce stories where I saw something that no one else saw. Here’s one.
My employer is embroiled in a legal mess. I know that they way they are handling it is 95% B.S. This very same issue nearly closed the business eight years ago. The owner has bottomless pockets; lawsuits and binding arbitration were involved last time. They sued a manager for whistle-blowing and eventually settled out of court. There was arbitration over royalties that they refused to pay employees who left. And over time, they returned to doing business the same way. There are less than a dozen of us who know all of the history.
But having been through my divorce mess and another lawsuit that took over five years to settle, I know that lay people saying “we will prevail legally” is proud and naive. Being a Christian business, they even said God is on their side. So, all kinds of grandstanding is going on from upper management right now. Really? None of my attorneys ever talked that way. At times there was guarded optimism, but they never promised the good results we eventually got. They knew it took time and effort, and negotiations and the courts can be fickle.
Thankfully, I don’t need this income, being already semi-retired. So I’ll do my stuff and keep my head low, and I’m remote. And if it starts getting to me, I’ll quit and be 100% retired. But yes, a boat-load of B.S. yet again.
Spinach – I also find myself skeptical of others’ fidelity. But in my own friendships, I have little to no patience with emotional disregulation. My “trauma” now requires maturity, honesty and predictability.
Agree. I won’t be around dramatic, self-pitying, immature, manipulative people, not even if they are family. I no longer have the ability to stomach their behavior. I used up a lifetime’s worth of tolerance for other people’s bullshit just on the FW and was running on fumes with everybody else. So now I keep away from toxic people for the sake of my own mental health.
I was most mystified by “I apologize for not being able and ready to receive your love the way you deserved it”. Thank-you UBT for your translation.
“…I deeply and sincerely want to apologize for the pain and hurt I have caused you. I apologize for not being able and ready to receive your love the way you deserved it, I’m so sorry!”
Huh. Doesn’t sound to me like he’s actually apologizing for what he did.
I hope CantFoolMe didn’t respond.
It is impossible for me to believe the sincerity of an apology from the person who essentially poured gasoline all over the house while our daughter and I slept, and then handed the matches to his side piece. Even if it were sincere, it is meaningless and useless.
After quite some time processing the events, I realized the relationship was over whenever it was that he was deliberating whether he should or shouldn’t engage in deceptive sexuality. Which means it may have been over even before it started. He didn’t even need to act on it. That it was an option is enough of a dealbreaker for me.
I’ve never wondered if I should or shouldn’t cheat. For me, agreeing to be exclusive and monogamous means exactly that, and there is no internal debate.
Cheaters and side pieces are a dime a dozen.
Let them have each other. Create an amazing life of integrity, safety, security, and trust and launch everybody who doesn’t share those values
My life is now a fortress with a moat around it, and the drawbridge is not going to admit anyone who demonstrates they are not safe and trustworthy.
If someone you let in betrays you, put “em on the trebuchet and cut the rope.