Happy Memorial Day, CN! Especially to all the veterans and military spouse chumps in our ranks. Thank you. Forgive the day off, but I just hauled myself up to Northern Michigan and I’m spending some time with my folks. Meanwhile, here’s a rerun featuring one of my favorite bloggers, her travails with dating, and the UBT, which eats a motivational speaker. Enjoy. See you back here tomorrow. — Tracy
Friend of this blog, and interior design blogger superstar herself, Laurel Bern, recently sent me a funny account of her dating travails.
Sick and tired of being alone after six years and with the writing on my meh mug, long worn off from repeated dishwashings, I put up a dating profile on match. Yeah. I did. Tracy, every time I read the word “chemistry” I want to throw up a little in mouth. Okay, maybe more than a little. Having a little time on my hands tonight, which is kind of rare, I got on the site and checked out my matches. One gentleman who calls himself “John” (could we be a little more original?) said that he’s 64. Nice looking, except that his photo says 44– 48– TOPS. Here ya go.
Right? Like a blond Ted Bundy? Adorbs. On Dirk’s profile on matchdotCON (the other photo, not seen, is him from a distance with his daughter at her graduation from something) He also has a son. Oh, it says on the profile that he has no kids? Well, he does. “I am an active, energetic person who is filled with gratitude for the life I have. I take the time to marvel at the look of a spectacular sunset, to listen to the sounds of birds chirping in the Spring, to smell the leaves in the Fall, to savor the taste of salt water on my lips, and to feel the warmth of a hand in mine. Music is in my soul, and is expressed in the songs I hum, sing, play, and write. Contributing my time and talent is important to me – I try to do what is right, even if it’s not in my personal best interest. I place a high value on integrity, honesty, generosity, and kindness.” (Barf! – CL)
[clearly] ???????? “And, although I sometimes ponder the meaning of life, I never miss the opportunity to be childlike[ish] to laugh, have fun, and be playful… and to use my sharp mind and quick wit. I have both the freedom and the zest for Visiting friends and family, Vacationing in wonderful places, and Volunteering for worthy causes.” *********
So, what does Laurel do? Laurel takes the image of “john” and puts it in google images. And voila. She finds the REAL John. It took all of 30 seconds. John is really a bleach-toothed motivational speaker named DIRK LIAR
And finally, Dirk’s beautiful WIFE, uhhhh… obviously not the one that made him a “widower.” which of course is bullshit ???????????? To be clear, I have absolutely no idea who these people are. I have not communicated with this man. It is remotely possible that it’s a fake profile and someone else ripped off his pics and is actually a bonafide swindling con artist. But I don’t think so. This dude is too visible in the real world with zillions of videos and on and on. A professional con would go for someone who looks like this but there’s nothing else out there about them. Could it be that Dirk-boy is merely going through an existential crisis? I’m sure that he is, but does it have to involve cheating on his beautiful wife and fucking with untold numbers of women on the internet? Apparently, it does. Believe me. I’m tempted to fuck him over royally. I could. But, I won’t. Clearly, he’s a rank amateur cheater, or else he’s just plain STOOPID. HE puts up a pic of himself on match that he also uses on FAKEBOOK!?
Takeaway for Dirk I-Snort-the-Sunset LIAR? Don’t fuck with bloggers who know how Google image search works. Laurel can source an ottoman with a couple blurry pixels. Your fuckery was never going to work here.
And my pro-tip for any aspiring daters in Chump Nation is to avoid anyone who mentions sunsets in their profile. Either, it was written by robots. (Whirp! Whirp! Must. Be. Comfortable. In. Jeans. Or. Tux. Whirp!) Or written with the hackneyed insincerity of a con artist.
EVERYONE likes sunsets. NEXT.
The UBT wants to date Dirk. (Are you a robot? Swipe right!)
The UBT has put Dirk’s prose through the Universal Bullshit Translator.
“I am an active, energetic person who is filled with gratitude for the life I have.
I have an energetic index finger that cuts and pastes dating profiles. I’m filled with gratitude for the wife I have (and her chumpiness).
I take the time to marvel at the look of a spectacular sunset,
I marvel that this line works on you.
to listen to the sounds of birds chirping in the Spring
I am a Disney forest creature twittering in a technicolor garden. Let’s dress Cinderella for the ball! I am as harmless as a bluebird with a thimble!
, to smell the leaves in the Fall,
Ah, leaf mold!
to savor the taste of salt water on my lips,
I like ALL THE SENSES! Do you have senses? All the better to dupe you with!
and to feel the warmth of a hand in mine. Music is in my soul, and is expressed in the songs I hum, sing, play, and write. Contributing my time and talent is important to me.
I am a misunderstood singer/songwriter who only wants to inflict his talent on a cruel world. Won’t you hold my warm, clammy hand as I sing to the sunset? I HAVE A CONTRIBUTION TO MAKE. To art! To life! To leaf mold!
Thanks Laurel for this warning to vet all your “matches”. CN, share your dating tips or motivational speaker horror stories. Remember — good people exist! You just have to wade through a lot of bleached teeth and sunsets.