UBT: ‘You Aren’t Discarded’

Universal Bullshit Translator
The Universal Bullshit Translator

Hello Chump Lady!

I am in need of a good wake up call in the form of the UBT.

I have been dating FW for approximately 11 years and met him about a year after my divorce from my verbally abusive, narcissistic (non-cheating) ex-husband.

Admittedly, I discovered by accident a few years in that this FW was cheating on me with prostitutes, randoms and even found that he had a sugar daddy account. He left his laptop open, and I snooped. Of course, he denied everything even though I had proof. I kept foolishly taking him back after countless fabulous trips, jewelry, and empty promises to change. Frankly, I think I did this because I couldn’t admit defeat. Not to mention the thought of my newly remarried (still abusive) ex-husband laughing at me from afar.

Contrary to what you might think, this text was not penned by a 12-year-old, but actually a 58-year-old “man” with not only children, but grandchildren whose lives I was very involved in for over a decade. We do not have children together and we do not live together (I moved out once I discovered a prostitute situation), but we continued spend a lot of time together. Every other weekend and several weeknights. Recently, he took on a larger territory for his job, and I wasn’t seeing him as often because of that (supposedly), but I would still spend time at his house and help out with his dog, etc. when he couldn’t get back early.

Well, one evening I decided to stop in unannounced to deliver an early birthday gift to him that I would not be able to give him in person because my daughter had a chorus concert on his actual birthday and he claimed he was spending that night celebrating at his daughter’s house in another state. Not surprisingly, that turned out to be false. According to her Instagram, they celebrated the night before I later saw. But I digress. He was not answering his texts, so I figured I would just stop in since I knew he was home.

Anywhoooo, I showed up unannounced with said birthday gift, and there was an unfamiliar car in the driveway. I pulled in the driveway and rang the doorbell. No one answered. I opened the garage door and his car was parked in the garage. I then received a text saying “Just go home”.

Ok ok I know!! This is a KNOWN cheater. And I should have known that his new territory probably wasn’t taking up as much of his time as he said, but I’m a chump through and through. Even so, this was so humiliating.

Mind you, I had just finished spending the weekend (this was the day after, on Monday) with him, his daughter, her husband and his grandson, hanging out with them and doing “family“ things. When I was leaving to come back to my house Sunday night (as my son just got home from college), I noticed he was stripping the bed, but again, it didn’t really occur to me that was a red flag.

So after I peeled outta the driveway in a confused, humiliated and enraged stupor, he texted me and asked if he could call me and I declined. He texted me the next day and asked if we could meet and talk and I declined. I said that a neighbor of mine would be coming to take the dog crate that was there and anything else of mine, he can give to whoever that was because I don’t want it back. I informed him that he would never see me or hear from me ever again, and I intend to stick by that. I told my kids and all my friends exactly what happened to ensure that I would never go back. I was completely and utterly blindsided because I had never actually caught him in the act. And, yes, I know I shouldn’t have been. He’s a FW after all.

So a day later, I got this weak, self-serving “non-apology” apology and that was pretty much the last communication from FW. Can this be put through the UBT based on my background information?
It would be so much appreciated! Even though he’s a dirty, lying FW, my pride is really injured from this incident. I mean after over a decade I get “just go home“ and then this. Ouch. I will say catching him red-handed was strangely satisfying at the same time as being utterly humiliating. I’m sure he was pooping his britches, and that gives me some small bit of satisfaction.

Sincerely,

Foolmetwice

“Foolmetwice, I love you and your family and dog. You aren’t discarded but we haven’t been working for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell you. I’m sorry about us. I am. I feel horrible. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know where my life will go. I feel lost to be honest. I thought taking this new job would help and it’s only made my life worse. I’m lonely most of the time. I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry”
Signed FW

***

Dear Foolmetwice,

Before I feed this self-serving, sad sausage dreck to the Universal Bullshit Translator, we need to give you that bitchslap wake up call you asked for. We’re all chumps here, we know from hopium. But let’s be clear on the concepts. To be chumped is to be duped, to be acted upon unknowingly. One you discover cheating, you must make a choice — invest further, or dump.

Further investment (chasing unicorns, turning a blind eye) is on you. (And all of us who gave 15th chances.) So let’s square this:

Admittedly, I discovered by accident a few years in that this FW was cheating on me with prostitutes, randoms and even found that he had a sugar daddy account. He left his laptop open, and I snooped. Of course, he denied everything even though I had proof.

… with this:

I was completely and utterly blindsided because I had never actually caught him in the act.

You had proof he was a cheater. So you weren’t “completely and utterly blindsided.” The spackle just wasn’t sticking. Figure out why “prostitutes, randos and sugar daddy accounts” weren’t immediate dealbreakers.

You don’t need to catch someone in the act. And, you didn’t actually catch him in the act. He was just very, uh, busy. He could gaslight you and say it was tiddlywinks.

Ok ok I know!! This is a KNOWN cheater.

Right. Ask yourself why that was acceptable to you. For a decade. Why being a Potemkin girlfriend was enough.

I kept foolishly taking him back after countless fabulous trips, jewelry, and empty promises to change.

Who’s the sugar baby here? Examine your values.

Whatever you told yourself to make the cheating go away — unpack it. Know your worth going forward.

Okay, we can kick the UBT into gear now.

“Foolmetwice, I love you and your family and dog.

And Golden Girls. And Rice Krispy treats. I love all the things. Like your dog Whattizname. And your Aunt Whosis. Very fond.

You aren’t discarded

You’re obsolete. No longer needed! Thank you for your services dog sitting.

but we haven’t been working for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell you.

I thought my BackPage ads would say it for me.

I’m sorry about us.

I’m sorry you thought there was an “us.”

I am.

I feel horrible.

Enough about you.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

These dating profiles just keep writing themselves.

I don’t know where my life will go.

Syphilitic dementia most likely.

(Sorry, the UBT is getting stroppy.)

I feel lost to be honest.

Screwing randos. Wrong left turn. Tomato. To-mah-to.

I thought taking this new job would help and it’s only made my life worse.

I blame my employer for my terrible life choices.

I’m lonely most of the time.

Saw you Sunday. Boinked a prostitute Monday. There are entire intervals I don’t have to pay someone to be near me.

I don’t know what else to say except I’m sorry”

For being a lonely, lost man whose job makes him unhappy. I’m sorry I’m suffering. If only I could alleviate this pain. Let’s call Bambi. 1-800-36D-TITS. Hey, Foolme — could you dog sit Wednesday?

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BTAW
BTAW
11 months ago

Not discarded? Well since he’s technically keeping her around while doing whoever he wants to, she’s more kept at arms length while she’s serving a purpose for him. FWs are so transactional.
I’ve come to hate the term compartmentalization. My FW has been able to live a double life for 14 years, but once those compartments broke and he saw things, self pity showed up. OP FW is looking for pity when caught. Wtf! They lack empathy completely. He expects her to feel sorry for him about his job that’s causing him to cheat. Seriously?

Letgo
Letgo
11 months ago

This is that sunk cost thing that’s the CL writes about. You’ve put so much energy and time into this relationship that you thought you could get more out of it than you have. This is not a human being you’re dealing with. I have no idea what he is but he’s not worth another minute of your time. One more minute is adding to that sunk cost stuff.
I heard the UBT cough. It must be this tired, dusty crap about the relationship being bad that so many FW use.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
11 months ago

FMT,

For someone who says that he’s sorry, your Cheater isn’t acting very sorry. And remember that when a Cheater tells you that “it isn’t what it looks like” – in this case “you aren’t discarded” – it is absolutely and completely what it looks like.

It’s easy to tell when a Cheater is lying; if their lips are moving that’s your clue right there.

LFTT

Maringal
Maringal
11 months ago

Yes! 100%.

IcanseeTuesday
IcanseeTuesday
11 months ago

“Discarded” is a grownup word for this man baby.

I suspect the letter writer may have shared some infidelity literature with him to try to explain why it really was legitimate to accuse him of cheating although they weren’t married and/or living together. That explanation may have included references to each other’s families and dogs.

The relationship wasn’t working. Really.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
11 months ago

“but we haven’t been working for a long time and I didn’t know how to tell you.

i thought my Back Page ads would say it for me.”

there it is. the weird/mindmelding/fantasy communication that many men use. why would they open their mouths and speak honestly? i mean, their mothers/ex-wives/ex-girlfriends, especially the petite hairdresser always knew what they were thinking at all times and did everything for them, right? so why can’t you?

excuses?

but i left the empty toothpaste tube on the counter as a sign to you that i was out of my favourite crest tooth whitening paste. you shouldn’t have to write it down on the shopping list. you should just know.
but we just drove past a sign on the highway for life insurance. you should just know i’m worried about getting older, hence the tooth whitening. and, also, i took out a large policy on you just in case i accidentally choke you to death one night because i’ve been fantasizing about that a lot lately.
but i selected ‘eyes wide shut’ to watch on friday night viewing so you should just know that i’m attending orgies at every opportunity. i mean, i left you a sign, and not just any sign, a tom cruise sign. that’s the highest order of signs.
but you didn’t hold my hand on that trip to europe when it was 44 degrees celsius in rome and the pavement was melting, claiming you were too hot. what about me? what about my need for constant adoration through sweaty hand-holding? my mother/ex-wife/ex-girlfriends especially the petite hairdresser with the medical grade gloves always did. my mother held my hand ALL ACROSS EUROPE when i was 8 years old. that’s love, right there.

if only these guys had their own personal flashing screens parked on their lawns that they could broadcast their inner thoughts/desires/complications. things like “DEVOID OF EMPATHY BUT LOVES CAKE” and “FEELING LONELY BUT LOVES LAP DANCES”.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago

“my mother/ex-wife/ex-girlfriends especially the petite hairdresser with the medical grade gloves always did. my mother held my hand ALL ACROSS EUROPE when i was 8 years old. that’s love, right there.”
😄

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago

It’s amazing how few of the words in FW communications need to be changed in order to get at the truth.

“Foolmetwice, I love whoring, and your family and dog are okay too, I guess. You are being discarded because my conscience hasn’t been working for a long time and I didn’t bother to tell you. I’m not sorry about us but I’m sooper dooper Alice Cooper sorry as fuck for me. I am. I feel horrible for me. I don’t know what I’m doing because I have the IQ of a shadfly. I don’t know where my life will go and don’t care. I feel lost without these many and varied hookers to fuck, to be honest. I thought taking this new job would help and it’s only made my life worse because work cuts into my whoring, which is My True Calling. It’s lonely most of the time inside my empty noggin, so My True Calling is a great distraction. I don’t know what else to say except I’m truly sorry for me, like, all the time. I know you will feel my pain after you read this, but you’ll be happy to hear that I’m thinking of starting my own business, which will be much more fulfilling for me. For business purposes I will probably be changing my name to Enrico Pimping. Please address future correspondence accordingly.
Signed,
Whoremaster Mcdrippycock aka Enrico Pimping.”

Maringal
Maringal
11 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Right on sister!

KatiePig
KatiePig
11 months ago

I’d send back “just go home” as a response to that. But I’m petty. I’ve decided that if i ever must speak to FW again (like at our sons wedding or something like that) it will only be in sound bites that he hurled at me during the discard.

Maringal
Maringal
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I hope he is a sad fuck alone by then!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Lol, my friend got me one of those Beavis and Butthead toys that repeats various classic lines when you press a button like, “Did you say balls? Huh huh huh huh heh heh heh heh.”

ChumptyDumpty
ChumptyDumpty
11 months ago

Epic! Also, excellent accompaniment to any UBT opus. The final chord even.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I would also use the sound bites FW used about me to OW.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Except that it goes right over his head because in his mind he was nothing but kind…..🤦🏼‍♀️

Boudicca
Boudicca
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Right?!?

MB
MB
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

FW was at our son’s wedding. I danced with my new partner to every slow song at the wedding.
FW is still alone as no one can stand him for more than 2 months.

susie lee
susie lee
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I like that.

In my case fw wouldn’t ever look me in the face again. Whore spoke to me a couple times, and I did the nod, hows the weather thing. But, fw would find a reason to look at the floor and scurry away.

I don’t think he was scurring away, or couldn’t look at me because of what he had done to me, but because of what a mess he had made of himself and since we shared a sane child, he knew I knew.

Whore was perfectly fine because she had lived in chaos her whole life, and had no idea what living a decent life meant. in ensuing years both her surviving kids cheated and switched partners like musical chairs.

She and fw ended up in bankruptcy due to gambling debts. Still she was better off than she ever was before. At least he paid the rent on their trailer.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
11 months ago
Reply to  susie lee

SL,

It might be me, but “at least he paid the rent on their trailer” is setting the bar pretty low when it comes to choosing a life partner.

One might almost think that Cheaters have lower standards than Chumps do? Who knew?

LFTT

Cam
Cam
11 months ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I’d send back “just go home” as a response to that.

Brilliant. I’d do this and then block him.

Cam
Cam
11 months ago

I then received a text saying “Just go home”.

OMG, I would have LOST MY SHIT.

I’m not advising anyone to set fire to the Shmoopie’s front lawn. I’m simply saying the disrespect here is breathtaking and I would have had a very, very tough moment catching myself before I did something I’d regret.

Foolmetwice, this guy is a joke and I would never respond to his bullshit non-apology. I would block him everywhere, put any shit he still has at my house on my porch for him to pick up, and change the locks.

When you lose at the tables in Vegas, it can be easy to double down and hope to regain what you had. You can lose more years you will never get back to this asshole, or you can accept he’s a bad bet and cut him off.

Maringal
Maringal
11 months ago
Reply to  Cam

Omg! Time to cut and run. Don’t look back. Regain life. Honestly, was miserable with sad sack and I needed a wake up call. We can all go on and be our best self, best revenge!

Rebecca
Rebecca
11 months ago
Reply to  Cam

Yup. “Just go home” is as humiliating as it gets.
I suggest doing just that and never, ever communicating again. No marriage, no kids, no shared property. Hard work ahead to figure out how you got yourself into this relationship and why you stayed.

Phoenix
Phoenix
11 months ago

My sympathy meter is running low on this one, sorry to say. I think this lady liked the $$ and wasn’t willing to give it up, so she stuck it out with someone she knew deep down was a FW all along.

Cam
Cam
11 months ago
Reply to  Phoenix

Thank goodness stupid comments like this are rare on this site, otherwise I’d regret the lack of a downvote feature.

Phoenix
Phoenix
11 months ago
Reply to  Cam

What’s stupid about my comment?
I’m a chump myself, and I’m not trying to shame her or anything. I do think money is a powerful motivator. She didn’t have any of the typical reasons that people try to hold relationships together for, like marriage, kids, entwined finances, sunk costs etc. They didn’t live together. What’s this guy got that makes him so irresistible? She mentions that he bought her expensive things and experiences.

Cam
Cam
11 months ago
Reply to  Phoenix

If you don’t know the difference between being empathetic but firm vs kicking someone when they’re down, I can’t help you.

SuziQ54
SuziQ54
11 months ago
Reply to  Phoenix

Sorry but what? I can’t respond other than to say you know what site you’re on??

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
11 months ago

There’s no Olympics of pain, but….. some of FMT’s statements indicate she did not experience the levels of HELL many of us here have. I was with my XH 26 years – 25 married, 4 kids, pets, homes, businesses, loved him deeply and spent nearly every day doing fun things together as a couple and family including watching our kids’ sports, running races, hiking, writing a book together. XH acted totally invested – before Dday he gave me a Pablo Neruda book of love poems for our anniversary and read them to me, discussing which lines resonated for him regarding his feelings for me (one AP who found me after Dday told me he read the same poem to her🤬🤬🤬). When kids caught dad cheating on Christmas (!!!!) and told me, I was completely and totally blindsided. I literally could not believe it! It was so incongruent with the man I thought I knew. I was so shocked I fell to the floor like a character in a Victorian novel, and I’m a kick ass litigator and no stranger to stressful information. So….. FMT, you had a first Dday and I am sorry for that. I am also sorry you made the bad investment of continuing with a known fraudster. I hope you choose differently going forward.

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
11 months ago

It’s absolutely soulcrushing to discover the person you thought you knew didn’t exist. In actual fact, he is an lying cheating evil sociopathic monster void of empathy. It’s such a mindfuck on every level of understanding.

I too fell to the floor while wailing…my soul felt like it was literally dying. I will NEVER forgive him for everything he did to me…including risking my one precious life to get his disgusting thrills fucking randos unprotected – men, couples, groups. May his dick become gangrenous and fall off.

Heather
Heather
11 months ago

This could be my story! March 11 was D-day and been in an emotional hell since. Divorce is the next step but I’m finding it difficult to find the strength to do what is required while I’m a broken heap on the floor.

MB
MB
11 months ago

I’ve pondered why they (in many cases) were seemingly so good to us …

I think it’s because it gave THEM a happy life. They were living a fairy tale and we were useful in that way.

Phoenix
Phoenix
11 months ago

That’s a horrible story, I’m so sorry you went through that. I can relate to the feeling of being totally floored, I had a similar experience in that we were married 15 years, kids, all of the warm fuzzies you describe (maybe not as fuzzy, but close!). People would tell us we were so cute and how they “loved our love” yada yada. It was just so incredibly out of character for him, and the person I always knew:(

Maringal
Maringal
11 months ago
Reply to  Phoenix

The death of the life you thought you had. But we all rise from the ashes and they will continue to burn.

Granny K
Granny K
11 months ago

Please tell me you didn’t give the birthday gift to him. Better yet, that you’ve already returned it.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
11 months ago

Well if you know hes a cheater sees prostitutes and other girlfriends and you are ok with that you can still date him. You are not married, you know what hes doing and you are not living with him. You have a life. At least you know that he is seeing prostitutes and can make him wear a condom. You know he has other girlfriends and you are not exclusive. You can just enjoy his company and have a casual relationship. I understand you felt ok with the relationship having your head in the sand, dont know dont tell. But it hasnt really changed. It just was brought to your attention yet again. Dont feel bad about yourself. We all like to pretend things are different despite knowing. But if you want a monogamous relationship he is not it. Casual dating, sure.

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

I think LW should follow FW’s advise and….”Just Go Home”. If someone ever tells you such an insulting fucking thing, you should never interact with them again. Let them die alone in a fucking gutter.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

“At least you know that he is seeing prostitutes and can make him wear a condom.”

I forsee a few problems with trying that.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
11 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Yes condoms rip and don’t cover everything. And say hello to hpv in one’s mouth and throat, unless the letter writer insists that this winner wraps it up for oral. Oh and dental dams if Mr. Selfish bothers to reciprocate. 🤮

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Problems like orally-transmitted HPV throat cancer and herpes in the eyeballs? Maybe someone should design a FW condom– basically a latex body bag with an HVAC breathing tube. https://www.pinterest.com/pin/380272762255631243/

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago

I must admit eyeball herpes did not occur to me.
👍 To the latex body condom for FWs. Conveniently, I’m allergic to latex.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
11 months ago

Fool Me Twice,
First, you’ll be fine. You just have to stay the course and not break this time. No contact (not even to send a snarky reply of “Just go home.”) Promise yourself that you won’t bother with that FW again… You deserve better. NO CONTACT

Unfortunately you got sucked into hopium for too long and as CL said “The spackel just wasn’t sticking”

My only concern is that you ”discovered by accident a few years in that this FW was cheating on (you) with prostitutes, randoms and even found that he had a sugar daddy account” and you kept on letting him lure you back with trips and jewelry… But you moved out once you “discovered a prostitute situation.” You moved out!!

So why did you keep spending time together? You got together every other weekend? Why did you think this was a relationship of any sort when he was suddenly never around supposedly for work reasons? He was getting what he wanted… privacy to do whatever and whoever he wanted… and still have you on the hook for dog care.

Please please please get yourself some help/therapy to work this out. Because if I found out FW was doing all of that with prostitutes and more during our relationship… I’d honestly be afraid of catching something. Enough that it would keep me away.

He’s a crap person. He’s been using you. Enjoying cake. The message to you was disrespectful. He wasn’t crapping pants or embarrassed.

That’s not to make you feel bad. It’s to help you see WHO HE IS. There is no empathy there.

You deserve so much more and so much better.

Please no contact with that tool.

FYI
FYI
11 months ago

Yes, exactly. I doubt he was crapping his pants. He wasn’t worried at all. Why should he be? He figured he’d lure you back in, like before.

MB
MB
11 months ago

Why do people keep trying ? Pride/Status/SunkCosts/MisplacedHope/Naivete/FinancialDependence/Fear

It’s a long list of possibilities

I’ll admit I wanted to keep the family unit together too much

Ain't It a Shame
Ain't It a Shame
11 months ago

Reframe that surprise visit as a blessing in disguise. If you hadn’t busted him, he’d have continued stringing you along for months and years; now you no longer will waste a moment of your time with or on him.

He’ll do what these types do best, find a new mark to do the girlfriend/partner labor when he’s not occupied with randoms or pros. Other people are replaceable and disposable props in their minds.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
11 months ago

FMT, I have a story very similar to yours. Long, hard, cold marriage (though bonus! My ex-husband turned out to also be a cheater.) and a subsequent relationship with a prize FW – a sociopathic, abusive, mooching Peter Pan I like to call the Lying Cheating Loser.
In that relationship, I was a true chump for less than a year. But, like you, I hung in there for several more. That makes me a volunteer. A participant in my own abuse.
Why did I stay? When it was raining D-Days and I was exhausted from being the phone police, the location tracker, the alcohol police AND the breadwinner and his employer??
The work I’ve done in the five years since I finally dumped him tells me that it had a lot to do with cherished outcomes. I had a fantasy about a great Love Story, an extraordinary, unconventional partnership that I was sure was my destiny. My reward for enduring the crap marriage for all those years.
That fantasy was WAY harder to let go of than some two-bit punk cheater.

You say you hung in there because you couldn’t admit defeat. I get that.
As we get older, the odds of finding a healthy, lasting relationship go up.
I dumped the LCL a few months before my 50th birthday. For the longest time, I was angry at him “for wasting my last shot at a relationship.”
I’m not angry about that anymore. Because, unhealed as I was and with a lifelong broken picker, I now realize if it hadn’t been him, I would have just picked some other lying cheating loser.
It was all me. That’s the good news and the bad news.
I stopped working so hard to single-handedly create this fantasy relationship. I just allowed him to be his FW self for a few weeks as I lined up my ducks.
Then one day, almost exactly five years ago, the landlord came by and placed a for lease sign in our front yard. And that’s how the LCL found out I was done.
The life I’ve gained post-cheater is better than any I could have imagined. I wish I had learned my lesson faster so I could have left sooner.
But at least I learned.
I hope you’ve learned too.
Go gain a fabulous life. It’s the best middle finger we can give to a disrespectful FW.

KADawn
KADawn
11 months ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

thank you WAW, for reminding me of the dream of the “extraordinary, unconventional relationship”… that resonated with me and makes me give the OP more sympathy than my comment below might suggest.

WalkawayWoman
WalkawayWoman
11 months ago
Reply to  KADawn

KADawn, I’m glad that resonated with you. To be honest, the reason I keep coming here, and participating in CN, is that some comment, thought, or phrase will resonate with me and provide a new puzzle piece to my healing.
For all the similarities we chumps have, we’re different people with different experiences and perspectives.
That’s the power of CN if you ask me. 😊

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
11 months ago
Reply to  WalkawayWoman

“the reason I keep coming here, and participating in CN, is that some comment, thought, or phrase will resonate with me and provide a new puzzle piece to my healing.” I agree! I left my a long time ago, long before I discovered Chump Nation, but visiting this site and reading people’s comments has given me new insights into why I had such a broken picker and how my FOO contributed to that. It has helped me forgive myself for bad choices.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
11 months ago

left my ex-husband (why I should re-read my comments before hitting “submit.”

KADawn
KADawn
11 months ago

I mean, I”m trying hard to have some sympathy for FoolMe (10,000 times), but really? AFTER prostitutes she continued to provide sex, fun, AND dog sitting? From someone who was subjected to full-on deceitfulness, gaslighting, covering up, distracting, punishing me for asking questions, etc., I am kinda … out of my element here. At least FMT can now say this is it and go no contact, right?? RIGHT?????

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
11 months ago
Reply to  KADawn

Yep. I can empathize but man hopium is a really strong drug and I imagine it’s hard to go back to being alone. This reminds me of my good friend who, in the first few months found out her new partner was buying hookers. She forgave him but now she just doesn’t trust him and they’ve been together for 7 YEARS despite not trusting him. It wears her down and all our friends find it hard too but we keep gently coaxing her to leave. FoolMe- you need to stay away and recover from the hopium ❤️

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
11 months ago

As many of us here have had multiple d-days and taking hits on the hopium pipe of “I only have these receipts; I only have these random phone numbers on the bill; I only have these copies of emails he sent to hookers on Craigslist; I only have these 6 different personal ads from multiple sites; I only have this hotel room receipt… BUT I NEVER ACTUALLY CAUGHT HIM”

Egads. Do you really need to see your cheater f’ing someone else to get it through your head that they are who they are and they aren’t going to change for you, your kids, your dog… or anyone?

Two things I’ve learned from CL and CN that keep me sane and no contact:

Cheaters don’t change for the next person. If they cheated in a prior relationship, you can be 99% sure they will cheat on you. In fact, just by them admitting they’re a FW to you while dating is a way of testing you to see what level of abuse you will accept from them. Know your worth, recognize the red flags.
The only thing a cheater is ever sorry about is GETTING CAUGHT. They don’t care about the kids… the house… the memories… the future you were building. Now that you’ve seen them for who they are, you will never look in their eyes again with the kibble glowing adoration they require. The discard becomes inevitable.

I also noticed that you started dating this FW within a year of your breakup from a FW. Maybe, just maybe, you didn’t take enough time to heal… fix your picker… and pay your own way through life (to see that you can take yourself on your own vacations and buy your own jewelry).

My last thought… when healing from discard…divorce…discovery… take the time for yourself to understand how it happened so it won’t happen again. Patterns and chumps are what a cheater loves… demand better for yourself.

CBN
CBN
11 months ago

“1-800-36D-TITS” Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. There’s no one who compares to CL in the LOL department. 🙂

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
11 months ago
Reply to  CBN

The 👑 of Snark 🤣

Happy Now
Happy Now
11 months ago

I think the writer is a man. Lots of references here to “her” and “she” and “girlfriend,” but he says he’s a 58-year-old “man” (quotation marks presumably because he knows his behavior is and sounds immature). I think it’s important to acknowledge someone’s identity. And I do hope he really walks away this time, and takes comfort in his children and grandchildren while he uses the resources here to heal and to fix his picker.

OHFFS
OHFFS
11 months ago
Reply to  Happy Now

I believe the OP was saying the FW being quoted is a 58 year old man. I was confused by that at first, too. I had to read it again.

susie lee
susie lee
11 months ago
Reply to  OHFFS

That is the way I read it, that the FW was a 58 year old man. I just assumed the chump is a woman, but of course it doesn’t really matter.

susie lee
susie lee
11 months ago
Reply to  Happy Now

Hmm I didn’t get that at all.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
11 months ago

He’s not lonely.

HunnyBadger
HunnyBadger
11 months ago

Poor lost little FW. At 58 how could he possibly know what he was doing? No, he’s ‘lost’! Maybe if he were 70 or 95 he would have a better idea what he was doing in life, right? And being such a sad sausage, he was really in a tough spot about having to tell FoolMeTwice the truth — i.e., hiring a prostitute is easier than investing in an adult relationship, and boinking the occasional rando doesn’t require expensive trips. In other words, this particular man-child is just another common FW with the regular list of excuses for his abhorrent behavior.
FoolMeTwice, I’m sorry you’re hurting. I get it. And I can understand the very first time you took him back, optimistic it was a one-off. But the second and all the subsequent times? You knew what he was but you stayed with him anyhow.
Please get tested for std’s. And for your sake, go strictly no contact forever.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
11 months ago

Three times today I have been booted while typing. The site boots me if someone else hits “send” before I do.

I think I’m giving up for today.

In the future, I’ll try to remember to compose elsewhere, then copy and paste here.

Have a great day everybody.

Grrrrrr.

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
11 months ago

“Call 1-800-FUN-BAGS”

DrDr
DrDr
11 months ago

Foolmetwice,
I totally get that you feel humiliated. You came close to “catching him in the act,” which up until that point, you maybe could have been gaslighting yourself based on the other things that were happening: exchanging gifts, care, pet-sitting, time with children and grandchildren. It was all very much a scene out of Norman Rockwell. All except the prostitutes.

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
11 months ago

I’m sorry FMT that this happened to your life. I was so upset reading your story WITH YOU ….because well, you are no child and you saw what you had in a creepy using man.BUT the gifts were good, the acting was academy award level and you allowed yourself to buy thicker richer spackle. I was upset with you because my story, though not as awful( maybe,??? as I don’t know the whole truth) Had all the features of allowing the losses of my 32 year marriage to overwhelm me. The loss of step kids and grandkids, the loss of my house, the loss of friends, and a million other losses had my self worth paralyzed. Not to mention the fear of being injured by a ragahilic was high too. I wanted my STBXH to pull the plug so he would let me go peacefully in a hostage exchange… SWAP me for OW. But he was having sex with Co workers or anyone, he loved the pick me dance and cake. I didn’t know that. So now with no contact and a divorce nearing the finish line, I have lost compassion for myself. Therefore I have no compassion for anyone who stays with a creep for inadequate reasons. That was my excuse. I know with professional help, I will gain back my self worth for the many times of being a VOLUNTEER and not a chump. When i knew it was bad and he had to be cheating, I needed more proof. I got proof and I needed more. That line in the sand, that boundary kept moving until finally I had enough. No Contact and Tracy S of CL and CN kept me focused on NC and gaining my new life without a cheater who gave me STIs and gas lite me to it all being my fault. Everything was my fault. So when your creepy man tells you to go.home, well that’s what I say to stray dogs. You are just one of the pack animals he keeps handy. I’m sorry you let him continue to hurt you. I am free now and no amount of words will ever move me again. I feel at peace with my decision and I love love love my new life. Once you value your precious self,the creeps will drift away. You will make better choices. Your life is worth so much more. NO CONTACT is the way to save yourself. Please don’t take anymore bait it is POISON.

DrDr
DrDr
11 months ago

Don’t waste time beating yourself up. Just let your feet do the talking and move on with your life. Forget this asshole and his sad sausage bullshit poor me soliloquy. He is not worthy any of your precious time. Move on!! Forgive yourself and get going! I am sending you peace and healing! ❤️❤️❤️

Mehitable
Mehitable
3 months ago

I just saw this thread again and it occurs to me that poor LW is just one of an army to service this guy’s bottomless pit of needs. How many of us are just part of the FW Red Rash Service Brigade?